OHHHH NOOO! Things aren’t going so well for the Henrickson clan! But, hey, at least they have all their limbs in tact, which is more than I can say for SOME people on this show. . .
When I think back on this week’s installment of “Big Love,” the first word that comes to mind is “bizarro.” In fact, if there was a camera on me while I was watching “Blood Atonement,” I probably would have looked a lot like this . . .
Yeah, I’m a monkey. Got a problem with that?
But if I HAD to pick a theme for this episode, it would probably be “family” — more specifically, the lengths a person will go to
save it . . .
seek vengeance on its behalf . . .
or prevent it from running her mildly successful jewelry business into the ground, by outing her as a polygamist.
So, without further adieu, let’s check in with our favorite family to find out who got married, who got knocked up, who almost got blown up, who has an “unhappy uterus,” and who is no longer capable of clapping . . .
Apparently, Nikki will not be having one of these any time soon . . . but someone else will.
For some time now, our favorite second wife, Nikki Grant, has been receiving pressure from her sister wives to conceive. At first, Nikki was hell bent against it, even going as far as to sneak birth control pills behind Bill’s back. Now, however, Nikki is suddenly desperate to conceive. Unfortunately, Heavenly Father has other ideas.
Nikki’s doctor informs her that, having reached the ripe old age of 30ish, she has suddenly developed . . .
. . . an unhappy uterus (thus proving you can find ANYTHING in Google Images).
Speaking of uteruses (uteri?), you know who has the most cheerful uterus in the world? Nikki’s Mommy, Adaleen, of course! Given that she has a 30ish daughter, I’m guessing Adaleen is probably somewhere in her 50′s, just a wee bit past prime child-birthing age. And yet, lo and behold, she is pregnant. It’s a MIRACLE!
Or is it? J.J. was acting very strangely when discussing Adaleen’s pregnancy with his sister. Plus, I didn’t trust that baby-faced “family doctor” to whom J.J. sent Adaleen (Nikki visited him later for help with her own infertility woes) as far as I could throw him.
It may be too soon to tell what the heck is going on here. However, my guess is that J.J. paid off that squirmy doc to inseminate Adaleen, in some strange and complicated ploy to either screw with Nikki or somehow become Prophet. That being said, I am more than a bit worried for Nikki right now. With J.J. watching her every move, an ”Unhappy Uterus” is the least of her problems . . .
In other pregnancy news, erstwhile fourth wife Anna still has a bun in the oven, and Barb is still trying to get her holier-than-thou mitts on it. “The Crazy Lady wants me to drink the Kool Aid again,” explains Anna in Russian to her vaguely attractive, but kind of dirty- looking fiancé, when Barb barges into the couple’s home for what feels like the 20,000th time this season, and begs Anna to reconsider her decision.
Anna explains that her fiancé, who is studying to become a doctor (yeah because this guy has PROFESSIONAL written all over him . . . PROFESSIONAL HITMAN), is in danger of being deported. Therefore, the two of them must leave the country ASAP. Seeing the writing on the wall for her jewelry business, should Bill win the Senatorial election and out the entire family as polygamists, Margene comes up with a thoughtful, if not entirely altruistic, solution.
SHE will marry Anna’s fiancé! This way, he and Anna will get to stay in the country! Anna’s fiancé can become the doctor he always dreamed of being! (Ha ha) Bill and Barb can get to screw up yet another child! And, most importantly, Margene can continue selling cheap bracelets on the Home Shopping Network! EVERYBODY WINS !
Except, I’m not sure Barb would agree. Then again, she has her own crap to deal with — or, as they say in the casino world . . .
Remember last week, when I warned Barb to beware of evil little women bearing sweet gifts?
She didn’t listen. Back at the casino, Barb and Tommy (I hate to say it, but these two are actually really hot together and they haven’t even kissed yet) have their hands full with a right-wing extremist group that is loudly boycotting the casino. Unfortunately, now that they actually need her, their high- priced media whore publicist, Marilyn, is no where to be found. Things really get out of hand when the casino receives a bomb threat and has to be evacuated.
In an effort to reach some sort of compromise, Barb contacts the head of the extremist group, while the latter is on business in Scotland. However, the Right Wing Nut Job denies playing any role in the bomb fiasco, and refuses to help. When Barb learns that Marilyn is also in Scotland, she puts two and two together, and figures out that Marilyn is in cohoots with the Right Wing Nut Job.
Her and Tommy have been set up! Marilyn is EVIL! I’m SHOCKED! (NOT!)
“We’re not in Utah anymore, Tito.”
While Barb is busy mucking things up at the casino, Bill and Joey are traveling down to Mexico to rescue Ma and Pa Looney Tunes and Bill’s oldest son, Ben, from that dastardly polygamist, Hollis Green and his wife, who reminds me of someone, but I can’t quite place her . . .
Oh yeah, that’s the one!
Anyway, Ma, Pa, Ben, and Pa’s other wife, Jodeen, are holed up in Green’s Mexican compound awaiting “trial,” while Bill and Brother Joey try to come up with a plan. Joey, still peeved at the Greens for their role in his almost-wife Cathy’s death, literally wants to go in with guns blazing. (He found Pa’s stash in the trunk of his car. Apparently, Ma and Pa Looney Tunes were not ONLY smuggling birds across state lines, but weapons too) Bill, however, has other ideas . . .
Leaving a very angry Joey behind, Bill sneaks onto the compound and almost manages to escape with his brood, when Hollis and his wife catch them. Hollis deems the escape the ultimate betrayal, and wishes to execute Ma, Pa, Ben, and Jodeen ASAP. In an odd moment of self-sacrifice, the typically self-absorbed Bill offers to give his own life for that of his family. Just when it looks as though Hollis is about to . . .
. . . his arm falls off . . . no really, it does. Ma Henrickson may be a bad parent; she may be really lousy at bird smuggling, but, apparently, she has a unique talent for swordplay. The now One-Armed Hollis crumples to the floor, and Pat Mrs. Green truly appears anguished over her husband’s agony.
Bill explains to Mrs. Green that her husband should be able to live, and may even be able to salvage his arm, but only if she gets him to a doctor ASAP. That means setting the Henricksons free. Fortunately, Mrs. Green chooses her husband, because I REALLY couldn’t take another Mexico-based episode of this show . . .
So, what did you think? Were you getting as sick of Mexico as I was? Will Hollis be able to reattach his arm? And what the heck is the deal with Preggers Adaleen?