The post where I pretend to have a Twitter Account, and help Jimmy Fallon host the Emmys

 

As you probably already know, the 62nd Annual Primetime Emmy Awards will be airing live this Sunday night (August 29th), at 8 p.m on N.B.C., with Jimmy Fallon acting as host.  What you may NOT know, is that YOU have the opportunity to write some of his jokes!  And who do we have to thank for this groundbreaking opportunity?  Why, Twitter, of course!

You see, unlike during other Emmy specials — where you spend half the time cringing at the lame one-liners the hosts come up with to introduce the show’s various celebrity award presenters — this year, you get to write them, YOURSELF!

Here’s how it works.  When you click on this website, you will be directed to a list of all of the presenters for this year’s Emmy awards.  Do you have something funny, amusing or poignant to say about a particular celebrity?  Do you have an existing Twitter account?  If you have answered “Yes” to both questions, simply click on your favorite actor or actress’s name, and you will be directed to a place where you can tweet about them to Jimmy Fallon and his writing staff. 

If Jimmy and his staff like what you wrote, there’s a chance Mr. Fallon will read it LIVE ON TV (giving full credit to YOU and your creative Twitter handle, of course)!  You can tweet to Jimmy throughout the Emmy Broadcast (or, at least until your choice presenter has presented).  Pretty cool right?

Well . . . here’s the problem.  I don’t have a Twitter account . . .

 . . . and I don’t plan on opening one just for this contest, cool as it may be.  So, here’s what I decided to do.  I’ve written a Twitter-sized Emmy intro for EACH of the presenters.  You can read them.  If any of them don’t make you groan or roll your eyes, feel free to tweet them to Jimmy Fallon.  If you do that, and throw at least partial credit to “KJewls” or “TV Recappers Anonymous,” I will be your best friend for life! 

If not . . . well, at least I tried. 

So, without further adieu, my Emmy presenter introductions:

1) Ann Margret

You might remember her from classic films like Bye, Bye Birdie, The Cincinatti Kid, and Viva Las Vegas.  But what really stands out in my mind is her brilliant performance in The Santa Clause 3.  It’s Ann Margret!

2) Anna Paquin

On HBO’s True Blood, she plays the coolest fairy to ever date a boy that doesn’t age, since Tinkerbell.  It’s Anna Paquin!

3) Alexander Skarsgard

Bite into America’s favorite Swedish meatball  . . . It’s Alexander Skarsgard!

4) Betty White

Before Twilight, or True Blood, or The Vampire Diaries, before the wheel was invented, America’s first true vampire was a Golden Girl.  Please welcome the immortal, Betty White.

5) Blair Underwood

Barak Obama was busy tonight, so we got the next best thing.  Set to play the President of the United States, in the upcoming NBC Drama Series, The Event , it’s Blair Underwood!

6) Boris Kodjoe

He’s sexy.  He’s bald.  He’s black.  He’s beautiful.  I’d do him.  Everybody welcome, Boris Kodjoe!

7) Christopher Meloni

Question:  If Detective Elliot Stabler from Law and Order SVU fought convicted murderer, Chris Keller, from Oz, who do you think would win?  Only this guy knows . . . It’s Christopher Meloni.

8 ) Claire Danes

When Jordan Catalano broke up with Angela Chase, I cried.  When Beth died in the Little Women movie, I cried.  When Juliet died in the Romeo and Juliet movie, I cried.  Stop making me blubber like a baby, Claire Danes!

9) Edie Falco

Last night I had this dream that Carmela Soprano was getting high in the on-call room with Nurse Jackie.  Thanks for the memories, Edie Falco!

10) Emily Deschanel

If this lovely lady is leaning over you and stroking your face, it probably means you’re dead!  She plays Temperance Brennan on Bones.  It’s Emily Deschanel!

11) Eva Longoria Parker

Though perhaps best known  for playing the delectable Gabrielle Solis on Desperate Housewives, our next guest REALLY won my heart as Flight Attendant 3 on Beverly Hill, 90210.  It’s Eva Longoria Parker!

12) Gugu Mbatha Raw

She bears the distinction of having the hardest name to pronounce in Emmy history.  Dr. Who is she?  It’s Gugu Mbatha Raw!

13) January Jones

We can’t really blame Betty for dumping Don Draper on Mad Men.  Her people are Nordic.  It’s January Jones!

14) Jeff Probst

He’s been on Survivor for TEN YEARS, and NEVER once been voted off the island.  Everybody welcome, Jeff Probst!

15) Jim Parsons

In order to invite Dr. Sheldon Cooper to present this award, we had to disinvite Leonard Nimoy and Stan Lee.  They both have restraining orders against him.  Sorry guys!  It’s Jim Parsons!

16) Joel McHale

Joel McHale is the nicest, smartest, hottest, and most wonderful man on the planet.  Shh, I’m only saying this, because I don’t want him to make fun of me on The Soup.  It’s Joel McHale.

17) John Krasinski

For our next presenter, we wanted to get the hottest paper salesman at Dunder Mifflin.  But Dwight Schrute was unavailable, so we settled for Jim Halpert.  Everybody welcome, John Krasinski!

18 ) John Lithgow

What is this world coming to? The world is at war, the economy is a mess, and the dad from Harry and the Hendersons is a serial killer!  Say hello the Evil John Lithgow!

19) Jon Hamm

The Dapper Don Draper is here.  An attendant will be stopping by to retrieve all the panties that just dropped on the floor.  Everybody welcome, Jon Hamm!

20) Julianna Margulies

Women scorned by slutty manwhore hubbies the world over, can take a page out of this lady’s book.  She plays Alicia Florick on The Good Wife.  It’s Julianna Margulies.

21) Keri Russell

Please give a big round of applause for the gal who played Felicity Porter . . . or she might cut her hair again.  Ladies and gentleman, Keri Russell!

22) Lauren Graham

She went from playing the fast talking, coffee swigging Lorelai Gilmore, to the bartending, teacher smooching, Sarah Braverman.  It’s everybody’s favorite MILF, Lauren Graham!

23) Laurence Fishburne

Our next presenter is the only guy who could possibly explain The Matrix movies to me.  It’s Laurence Fishburne!

24) L.L. Cool J.

Someone tweeted me this really funny L.L. Cool J. joke.  But when I told him about it, his mama said knock me out.  Please don’t hurt me, L.L. Cool J!

25) Mariska Hargitay

This next presenter could totally kick my ass.  She plays Dr. Olivia Benson on Law and Order:  SVU.  It’s Mariska Hargitay!

26) Matthew Morrison

On Glee, he plays Will Schuester, a teacher who can Bust a Move, Alone, Like a  Gold Digger, Somewhere Over the Rainbow.  He also looks great in a thong.  It’s Matthew Morrison!

27) Matthew Perry

He’s the Friend who got it on with Courtney Cox BEFORE David Arquette.  Could he BE any luckier?  It’s Matthew Perry!

28) Maura Tierney

Nurse Jackie learned everything she knows about addiction from this next presenter.  She played Dr. Abby Lockhart on ER.  It’s Maura Tierney!

29) Nathan Fillion

I had this great idea for a mystery novel.  So, I tweeted it to Rick Castle.  Then I realized he’s not a real person.  Thanks a lot, Nathan Fillion!

30) Neil Patrick Harris

If Barney Stinson gave relationship advice to Doogie Howser, M.D.  and Dr. Horrible, they’d all look a bit like this guy.  Please don’t steal my job, Neil Patrick Harris!

31) Ricky Gervais

When I made that comment about Dwight Schrute being the hottest paper salesman at Dunder Mifflin, I really offended this guy.  Everybody welcome, Ricky Gervais!

32) Sofia Vergara

I’ll admit, I don’t always understand what she’s saying on Modern Family.  But it always sounds beautiful.  It’s Sofia Vergara!

33) Stephen Colbert

I’m proud to present the next President of the United States, Stephen Colbert!

34) Stephen Moyer

He’s the only person in the world who can make the name “Sookie” sound like a sex act. It’s Stephen Moyer!

35) Ted Danson

This man needs no introduction, because he only goes where “everybody knows his name.”  It’s . . . shoot  .  . . what’s that guy’s name again?  Oh yeah!  Ted Danson!

36) Tina Fey

She’s a writer, producer, actress, and an Emmy and Golden Globe winner.  Thanks for making us all look stupid and lazy, Tina Fey!

37) Tom Selleck

I’m so excited about this next guest.  He’s been such a role model for me throughout his distinguished career.  Everybody, put your hands together for Tom Selleck’s MUSTACHE  . . . oh, and Tom Selleck too, I guess.

38) Will Arnett

Our next presenter is perhaps best known for his role as magician GOB Bluth on Arrested Development.  Well, if you’re such a great magician GOB, why don’t you make your show reappear!  It’s Will Arnett!

There you have it, 38 celebrity Emmy presenters, and 38 introductions for Jimmy Fallon.  I sure hope he appreciates it!  See you at the Emmys!

[www.juliekushner.com]

2 Comments

Filed under Emmy Awards

2 responses to “The post where I pretend to have a Twitter Account, and help Jimmy Fallon host the Emmys

  1. imaginarymen

    Clap! Clap! Clap!

    Well done!! This is far more entertaining than pretty much everything else I already read on Twitter!

    • Awww, thanks Amy! That means a lot, coming from one of the funniest, most talented, bloggers I know, not to mention a fellow fangirl / pop culture whiz. :)

      You know, there’s still time! You should totally get in on this competition. I’d be willing to bet, if you submitted a few, you’d get on the Emmys, for sure!

      To be honest, with all the great TV shows on tonight, I don’t know if I’ll be watching the Emmys at all. Why do programs insist on airing new shows on awards nights (particularly cable channels like HBO and AMC, that aren’t as dependent on ratings as the Big Four)? It just seems counter intuitive, seeing as everyone involved with making those programs will be at the awards or watching them.

      Sigh! It’s times like these when I wish I had DVR . . .

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