OK girls, if you got some LOVIN’ tonight, I want you to open your eyes really wide, open your mouth slightly, and give a really confused look to the camera . . .
Phew! Is it hot in here, my Pretties, or is it just the latest installment of PLL? This week’s episode was ON FIRE! We were treated to not one, not two, not three, but FOUR different prospective couple’s makeout sessions!
Oh, and there were some “A” shenanigans too . . . like the way she seems to have framed Spencer for her murder . . . while sitting in a rocking chair . . .watching a home video . . . and eating a HUGE BOWL of POPCORN. (Girlfriend can certainly multi-task!) And Jenna was there too . . . and Pedo Ian . . .
and Wren, Alex, Lucas, Sean, Noel, and Maya. OK, so not everybody was there. The PLL Missing Mate Vortex still has many victims held tightly in its clutches. But with all the kissing, and sexing, and getting naked we got to enjoy during this hour, did you honestly mind that much?
Let’s get to recapping, shall we?
Does Pedo Ian have a thing for younger girls? (And other questions to which the answers are painfully obvious.)
When the episode opens, each of the PLL girls are taking turns submitting to interrogation by Police Chief Puss Face, who looks like he could pass for Deputy Douchey’s dad . . .
See the resemblance? Yeah . . . I didn’t either. I just felt like adding another shirtless dude to this post, for no reason, whatsoever . . .
From the looks of it, Spencer’s mom sat in the interrogation room the whole time, and acted as the attorney for each of the girls. Just in case you were wondering, this is a TOTAL conflict of interest, especially if one of the girls becomes a suspect in the murder . . . which, by the way, is about to happen in less than an hour. But hey, nobody ever accused the writers of PLL of going to law school!
Anywayyyyy . . . no good deed goes unpunished. The girls’ seemingly selfless act of turning Ian’s bloody trophy over to the cops — because, at the time, they THOUGHT it was the weapon used to murder Ali — only results in a lot of discomfort and heartache for all of them. During the interrogation, Police Chief Puss Face asks each of the girls about Ian’s relationship with Ali. He also questions them about the Phantom Videotape, which, as you recall, featured the grossly inappropriate pair presumably “making monkey,” just seconds before Ali Took the Big Dirt Nap.
Police Chief Puss Face wants to know why somebody as “charming and fabulous” as Pedo Ian, would want to sex up little underage twit like the now-dead Ali, when he could have Spencer’s sister, B*tchface Melissa, instead. “Maybe he has a thing for younger women,” Spencer notes wryly. (Well, THAT’S the understatement of the CENTURY!)
And yet, when Police Chief Puss Face asks Spencer what she meant by that, the usually intelligent teen inexplicably lies about the smooch SHE shared with Ian, when she was not yet 15 . . .
. . . and the rest of the girls lie about it too, thus proving that temporary stupidity can, in fact, be contagious. Of course, this little white lie will inevitably come back to bite Spencer in the behind, in just a bit . . .
After their respective interrogations are over, the girls conveniently run into their old friend, Police Boy, who, apparently lives in their neighborhood . . .
. . . he acts all chummy with them at first. But then Police Chief Puss Face tells him to spy on the girls and find out what they know about Ali’s death. So, when Spencer later confides in Police Boy that Ian’s probable motive for killing Ali was that she was going to tell Melissa about their affair, we know our little Nancy Drew has made her SECOND major mistake of the episode . . .
The Awkward Moment When Everybody in Your Family Thinks You’re A TOTAL WACKADOO!
The next morning, Spencer heads downstairs to find her family on the couch poised for what seems like an intervention, staged on her behalf. Basically, Ma and Pa want Spencer to see a shrink, because Spencer is perpetually afraid of her new brother-in-law, Ian (with good reason!) and thinks he might have murdered her best friend. Never mind the fact that ALL THREE OTHER PLL’S confirmed EXACTLY what she said! She’s still NUTSO, according to Mommy and Daddy! (Parenting FAIL!)
To add insult to injury, Melissa and Ian pop downstairs, so that Ian can offer Spencer a SUPER-patronizing speech, “I’m not mad. I’m just confused,” he offers, laying it on REAL thick. (The totally threatening ASSHOLE version of Pedo Ian, who manhandles Spencer, and threatens her not to reveal certain bits of information about his private life, is, conveniently, no where to be found in this familial setting.)
Of course, Spencer certainly doesn’t help her Case for Sanity, by cackling like a maniac, in response to Ian’s phony show of concern for her well-being. “Why did you come back, when you already got away with it?” Spencer asks, with a disturbing smile on her face, that makes me wonder if she really has gone Cuckoo Bananas.
But then comes Whiny B*tchface Melissa, with her moaning and groaning, about how DARE Spencer go nuts, so soon after her Shotgun Wedding! The NERVE! “Why can’t you just let ME be happy?” Melissa mewls. (And at the moment, the world’s smallest violin begins playing in her honor . . .)
No longer feeling wanted in her house, Spencer runs right into the arms of, you guessed it, Creepy Toby . . .
Ohhh, so you were “Playing Scrabble” in that Hotel Room All Night. Is that what the kids are calling it, nowadays?
Well, HELLO, Shirtless Creepy Toby! Who knew all that Sexy was hiding beneath all those layers of Broody Angst and Flannel?
Apparently, Creepy Toby has been shacking up in the Only Motel in Rosewood, because he’s afraid of what the Bizarre Sociopath Jenna and her Cane of Destruction will do to him in his sleep, while his parents aren’t home. (Hey speaking of that hotel, remember when WREN checked into it, to get away from B*tchface Melissa? Good times!)
So, Spencer, being the Good Little Neighbor that she is, drives Creepy Toby to the motel. Once there, Toby vows to help Spencer find out if Blind Jenna framed her for Ali’s murder. While hanging around outside the motel, Spencer hears the sound of flute playing coming from room 214.
Instantly connecting the room number with Jenna’s braille code, our girl Spencer puts on her Investigation Face . . .
. . . and tiptoes to the window to check it out. Though she doesn’t see anybody in the motel room, she can make out the Mysterious GREEN BAG Ian was seen giving to Blind Jenna, during this past week’s episode . . .
Later, Spencer and Creepy Toby finagle their way inside Room 214, by paying off the motel housekeeper. They find Blind Jenna’s dark glasses on the floor. (THE PLOT THICKENS!) They then look inside the Mysterious Bag, which is currently located on the bed. . .
. . . it’s empty.
By HEY! Maybe tomorrow it WON’T BE! Spencer should really spend the night in bed with Creepy Toby, in his motel room
and have lots of really hot sex just in case! (We’re SO on to you, Spencer! You Naughty Little Minx, you!)
When heading out to get supplies for her Slumber Party with Creepy Toby, Spencer comes with an abundance of “really important” survival goodies, including the game of Scrabble and some Mad Libs. She conveniently forgets to bring clothing, though . . . OOPS! Silly Spencer! Now, she’ll have to sleep NAKED!
After Toby beats Spencer in Scrabble . . .
I know, I couldn’t believe it, either . . .
Creepy Toby inquires whether Spencer is a “top” or “bottom,” when it comes to making Luuuuuuuuve. Just kidding! He wants to know whether she wants the top or bottom of his pajamas. Besides, everybody knows Spencer is TOTALLY a “top.” Our little Nancy Drew is a Take Charge Kind of Gal, after all . . .
So, Creepy Toby goes to the bathroom to change . . . into his bottoms. Of course, he conveniently leaves the bathroom door open, so Spencer can ogle his male form . . . (Why bother going to the bathroom in the first place, then?)
Creepy Toby is a PIMP! I may have to stop calling calling him Creepy now, and just start calling him ABS!
A now TOTALLY turned on Spencer waits until Creepy Toby is fast asleep before
getting on top of him . . . er . . . putting on his top . . .
She then jumps
him into bed beside him . . . Goodnight, Spencer and Abs Toby! Don’t let the bed bugs bite! (No, seriously! This looks like a motel that has LOTS of bed bugs . . .)
Honestly, I’m not sure how Spencer got to sleep AT ALL, with that SIX PACK lying, just inches away from her, waiting to be CHUGGED! But, Spencer eventually does fall asleep. And, when she wakes up, she finds herself in quite the compromising position . . .
Would you like a fork with that SPOONING?
A bit embarrassed, Spencer slides her hand out from underneath Toby’s armpit. The sensation
arouses awakens him, but he pretends not to notice. “Were you up all night?” Toby asks innocently.
Only while we were f*&king No,” replies Spencer, awkwardly.
Then the pair hears the sound of Room 214 opening. So, they dash inside, before the door can lock. Inside, Spencer learns that the “flute playing” she heard was, not from an actual “Blind Jenna” flute, but, rather from a CD. The good news is, there’s something inside that Mysterious Bag NOW!
Yep, apparently the
Scrabble players got played. But, the evening wasn’t a total loss, of course! “You can come back tomorrow night,” says Abs Toby, with a twinkle of hopefulness in his voice.
“I may take you up on that,” Spencer replies adorably.
“It was fun to kick your ass in Scrabble,” Abs Toby offers wryly (Ooooh, this guy is GOOD!)
And then, this happens . . .
In other makeout news . . .
Since when did Little Orphan Butchy Get a Personality Transplant?
To say things are AWKWARD at first, between Little Orphan Butchy Paige and Emily, after their impromptu car Makeout Sesh, is a TOTAL understatement. This week, the pair first meet . . . you guessed it . . . in the swim team locker room . . . AGAIN. Apparently, Paige has been avoiding Emily, by swimming at night, so she doesn’t have to see those sweet lips that she enjoyed sucking on so much . . .
Emily wants to talk about The Kiss That Changed Everything
until the next chick comes along. But Closet Case Paige wants to pretend the whole thing “Never Happened.” This causes Emily (who, by the way, seems to have totally FORGOTTEN about being all hung up on Maya . . . you know . . . the chick who got sent to De-Gaying Camp, because of HER) to stalk off in a huff.
However, things start looking up for Emily, when she finds this little love note in her locker . . .
An ORANGE Post-It Note?! Who the heck owns ORANGE Post-It Notes? Oh, this girl is BAD NEWS, I can feel it!
So, apparently, Paige wants to meet Emily at a remote bar where, unlike at Cheers, Nobody Knows Your Name and, coincidentally, Nobody Knows Your Gay . . .
For whatever reason, the minute Paige enters Nobody Knows Your Gay Bar, she undergoes a complete physical transformation. The Little Orphan Butchy Haircut is suddenly darker looking, blunt cut, and stylishly messy. She’s wearing MAKEUP! And an OFF THE SHOULDER TOP!
But, perhaps, more important than Paige’s physical transformation, is her personality one. Now, Paige is finishing all of Emily’s questions, asking her wryly seductive questions about her sexuality, and flirtatiously surmising that Emily is into BALLSY WOMEN (and nobody is more ballsy than Little Orphan Butchy, who probably OWNS a genuine pair of CAJONES, if you catch my drift).
What is cool about this conversation, is that it allows both girls to FINALLY open up to one another. We learn that Paige first discovered that she was gay, when she saw Emily and Maya walking the halls as a couple. We hear Emily admit, for only the second time in her life (the first admission was as to the PLL girls, on the day of the SAT’S), that Dead Ali was her first love, even though Dead Ali didn’t love her in return.
Then, just to prove she is a TOTALLY DIFFERENT PERSON than the Little Orphan Butchy we met a few weeks back, Paige rushes on stage and starts singing a ridiculously off-key rendition of “So What,” by Pink. (Interesting choice of song, under the circumstances . . . . am I right?)
Emily seems pretty into it, anyway.
*sings* “So what? She’s got a bad haircut. She’s in the closet. But I am hornnnnyyyyy.”
Eventually, Paige pulls Emily on stage, and the two complete the duet together. Then, they go out to the parking lot, and start MACKIN’ HARDCORE!
A few days later, Paige and Emily go out for their second date — an outdoor picnic that is, once again, located someplace REALLY, REALLY, REALLY faraway from the town where they live . . .
Things seem to be going great for Emily and the Fun Chick Who Body-Snatched Formerly Lame Paige. But then, Paige makes some random comment about how she can’t be seen with Emily in public, because Emily is . . . (gasp) . . . GAY! (Well ain’t that the pot calling the kettle a Lesbian!)
But don’t worry, Emily! The Grand High Paige still wants to hang out with you . . . just only in Seedy Karaoke Bars and in deserted alleyways! SCORE! Of course, Emily — who has just recently emerged from the closet, herself, and who, not too long ago, was on the other side of this conversation with her LAST girlfriend Maya — is more understanding, than I think most folks in her position would be, under the circumstances.
Emily doesn’t blame Paige for not being able to “come out” yet. However, Our Girl (probably rightly) believes that continuing to see Paige in secret, will eventually make her feel like SHE, Emily, has something to hide. Inevitably, this would result in Emily feeling bad about herself, and her sexuality. This, of course, is something Emily doesn’t want to experience again. So, Emily lets Paige down gently, informing her, that she would rather the two of them just be friends for now. (GOOD CHOICE, EMILY!)
You know who, as it turns out, might NOT be making such great choices? HANNA!
Never Trust Guys with Longish Hair . . .
When we check back in with Hanna and Caleb, they are still playing house. He is still secretly living in her basement. She is still making him cereal for breakfast, each morning.
And he is still running to hide, everytime Hanna’s mom comes tramping into the kitchen. The only difference now, is that these two are TOTALLY swapping spit with one another, like every second, of EVERY DAY!
So, of course, now is the time for Hanna’s mom to FINALLY figure out that her daughter’s boyfriend’s been squatting at her Casa, all this time . . .
Furious that her daughter would have the audacity to lie to her about having a Strange Man in her house *cough like Deputy Douchey cough*, Hanna’s mom kicks Caleb out on the street. She does this, despite Hanna’s pleas that she reconsider. After all, Caleb has no other place to go.
When Hanna’s mom fails to reconsider, Hanna and Caleb decide to go on a little Camping Trip . . .
Apparently, back in the day, when Hanna was a little Chubbster, she went to Fat Camp, where she became quite the Outdoorsy Type. Caleb’s super touched that Hanna has confessed to being porky, so he shares with HER a confession about how his parents abandoned him. This, turns Hanna on . . . So, she . . . SURPRISE . . . makes out with him for the 85,000th time this hour . . .
All this making out, while wearing dorky hats, makes Hanna and Caleb very HOT (in more ways than one). So, they go back to the tent to “change into something more comfortable . . .”
THIS = MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE!
“Are you sure?” Caleb asks.
“HELLLS YEAHHHHHH!” Hanna says (Actually . . . that’s what I said to my TV screen, when this happened. Hanna, was admittedly a bit more reserved.”
“Do you have . . .?” Hanna inquires responsibly . . .
“Uh huh,” replies BIG PIMP CALEB.
Then THIS happens . . .
Then, we pan away from the tent, and head to commercial break . . .
Well, it’s STILL ABC Family! What did you expect?
I’d say now would be a good time to sing a little song to Hanna’s Virginity. What do you say? Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, hey, hey, hey, GOODBYE!
The next day, Hanna comes home, and her mom is PISSED! But when Hanna brings up the fact that her MOM was also abandoned as a child, and narrowly missed suffering Caleb’s fate, she ultimately relents. In just about the nicest thing Hanna’s mom has done all season, Mama Marin gets in touch with Caleb, herself, invites him for dinner. It is there, that Hanna’s mom tells Caleb that he can stay in the guest bedroom for a little while, until he can find more permanent lodging. He is also officially permitted to call her “Ashley.” (Awwwww!)
Of couse, “Ashley” would like Caleb to know that if he hurts Hanna, she, “Ashley” will rip him a new a**hole . . .
Not-so-thinly veiled threats of butt ripping aside, Caleb is so touched by this unexpected act of kindness by an authority figure, that he immediately goes outside to . . . make a phone call ??????
“I can’t do this anymore. It’s over. I’m out,” says Caleb to
Blind Jenna The Mystery Person on the Phone.
Oooooh Caleb . . . you Dirty Rat! I’d watch your a**hole, if I were you . . . just sayin’
Meanwhile, over in Fitzyland . . .
Blind Jenna, Get your OWN Inappropriately-Aged BOYFRIEND! (Assuming you don’t already have one.)
We already know, from past experience, that, when it comes to her Fitzy, Aria is most certainly the jealous type. So, when she enters Fitzy’s English Class, and finds Blind Jenna’s paws all over him, while they “read over her short story,” which (SURPRISE!) is about a Blind Girl who uncovers deception, the Petite Brunette is NOT PLEASED AT ALL. Always one to add fuel to the fire “A” decides THIS is the perfect moment to send Aria a text . . .
To add insult to injury,when Aria heads to the bathroom, Blind Jenna is THERE too, making cracks about how well Aria “knows” Mr. Fitz, and how he should add 1984 to the class reading list. “Big Brother is Watching” Blind Jenna intones annoyingly . . .
OK . . . note to PLL writers. Cheesy Jokes about High School English books? NOT FUNNY!
To this ridiculously lame, but admittedly “A”-like remark, Aria replies, “Fitzy is not seduced by controlling characters.” (HA! See . . . now THAT was funny!)
Knowing she MUST take quick action, if she wants to keep her man, Aria heads to Fitzy’s house to embroil the Straight-Laced English Teacher in one of her, now-becoming-weekly, Seduction Plots . . .
The problem is that, tonight, no matter how many times Aria tries to get into Fitzy’s pants, all he seems to want to talk about is BLIND JENNA?????
Dude! You and Ian . . . and your interest in the much younger chickies. What gives? Isn’t ONE enough?
Aside from creeping Aria out, and making her feel VERY JEALOUS, Fitzy’s new insistence on talking about Jenna, and asking repeated questions about how she became blind, are hitting WAY TOO CLOSE TO HOME for Aria, who promised all the rest of the PLL girls that she would never tell ANYONE about the Jenna Thing!
So, Aria initially copes, by avoiding Fitzy, which kind of sucks. But then, after she gets the A-OK from Emily to do so, Aria pops by Fitzy’s house with a Very Important Confession to Make . . . She’s afraid, if she tells him that he won’t look at him the same way again. And yet, Aria DOES end up telling Fitzy about the Jenna thing. And he, actually, seems TOTALLY COOL WITH IT! (Would YOU be, if you were him?)
“Nothing you just said to me, changes how I feel about you,” Fitzy remarks sweetly, as a tearful Aria nuzzles her head in his chest.
“Thank you for looking at me tonight, the same way that you did yesterday,” she replies.
WOW! THAT’S SO SWEET! Let’s watch these two tongue eachother again to celebrate . . .
The Person of Interest is . . . SPENCER!
Things may be looking up for Aria, but they are certainly looking down for Spencer. When the poor girl comes home from her “little vacation” with Toby, she learns, in a matter of seconds that (1) her SISTER, NOT Ali, was the one at Hilton Head with Ian the night before Ali’s death (apparently, at the time, the pair went to get an ABORTION); (2) Spencer’s former “relationship” with Ian was discovered by the cops; and (3) now, the police want to question SPENCER about HER whereabouts the night of Ali’s murder . . .
In the final moments of the episode, the rest of the PLL girls receive an “S.O.S.” text from Spencer. So, the threesome rush toward her house, just in time to find her getting into a cop car, and driving toward the police station AGAIN . . . Of course, they then get ANOTHER text from “A” . . .
It says: “Breaking news b*tches . . . Spencer Hastings is now a PERSON OF INTEREST (See what they did there?) in my death!”
Thereafter, we are treated to a final image, of “A” watching the whole scene we just witnessed take place via hidden camera, while she . . . or he . . . lounges at home eating LOTS OF BUTTERY popcorn . . .
Then again, this might not be “A” at all! It could just be some random schlub, who’s sitting home on a Monday night . . . watching PLL . . . just like US! (So META!)
And that’s it for this week! Tune in next week, when (1) Caleb gets discovered for the spying rat he really is; (2) someone tries to take Spencer’s laptop . . . AGAIN; and (3) Blind Jenna’s glasses come off . . . AGAIN! You can check out the promo for Episode 20, right here:
See you soon, My Pretties!