When a television show ends with someone being shot, or blown up, recappers typically describe it as “ending with a bang.” Well . . . this episode of PLL ended with a hang . . .
Ummm . . . nice scarf?
Wildly inappropriate corpse jokes aside, Pretty Little Liars’ season one finale definitely did not disappoint, this week. In fact, the entire hour was jam-packed with twists and turns, unusual (and, sometimes, downright icky) alliances, oodles of OMG moments, and, of course, plenty of “A.” (Though, admittedly, all these supposedly ”SCAAAAARY” text messages are getting a bit . . . how do I put this kindly . . . LAME!)
OK . . . maybe that was putting it less than kindly.
So, what are we waiting for, my Pretties? Let’s get that bell tolling!
Video Killed the Blind Incestuous Porn Star
Hanna: “Wait to go, Tobster! Look who’s rocking the ABDOMINALS!”
Spencer: “Shut up! He’s mine! You already have three love interests!”
Hanna: “Come on! I only have TWO! Everyone knows that Weiner head Sean doesn’t count!”
The finale episode begins precisely where we left off last week. The PLL girls are huddled together in bed (kinky!) watching the disturbing videos captured on the flash drive that Dead Ali stored away in her Tweety Bird lunchbox, before she died. In addition to some SUPER CREEPY images of the PLL girls, as tweens, unknowingly dancing in front of the camera in their underwear, the flash drive also includes some EVEN CREEPIER footage of a not-yet-blind Jenna seducing a not particularly willing (though not as entirely unwilling as I would have liked) Abs Toby . . .
And YES, he was shirtless in the video . . . (Can I get a HELL YEAH!)
In the video, Jenna is heard blatantly threatening Toby that if he doesn’t let her . . . ”play with his flute” . . . she will tell their parents that he “forced himself on her.”
“Wow! I’ve never seen such a big . . . flute.”
By the way, if you were Jenna, and you were trying to SECRETLY SCREW YOUR BROTHER, would you REALLY do it in front of a WINDOW, so that anyone who happened to be wandering by with a VIDEO CAMERA could SEE? – Incestuous Sociopath FAIL!
*sings* “I once was lost, but now I’m found. I was blind, but now I . . . nope . . . still blind.”
(Interestingly enough, the video appeared to have been taken through a window, and yet the sound quality was PERFECT. So, I’m guessing the house was bugged?)
Disgusted by the sight of her new boyfriend macking it with his nasty ass sister, Spencer insists that the girls stop watching the videos. In hindsight, this was probably a mistake. After all, based on later scenes in the episode, it appears that more Rosewood Residents may have been featured in these videos, aside from the PLL girls, Ali, Toby and Jenna. Like, this GUY, perhaps?
“Oh no! If they watch the rest of the videos on the drive, they might find out I was in that Hillary Duff movie!”
As far as the PLL girls are concerned, Ian “I Like to Make Out with Girls Who Still Wear Training Bras” Thomas seems to be the most likely videographer of this Kiddie Porn DuJour. And, since Blind Jenna obviously knew about the flash drive and its contents (After all, she hired Man Whore Caleb to steal it for her.), they figure that Little Miss Brother F*&ker might be willing to share information with them that will incriminate Ian in Ali’s death.
But what if Blind Jenna is “A”? Are the girls walking into a trap?
Fitzy spells trouble J-A-C-K-I-E
This week, the role of Ezria Cock Block will be played by Jackie Molina . . .
Things actually seem to be going pretty well for Aria when the episode begins
aside from her being stalked by a sadistic stalker psycho killer. Admittedly, we were all a bit worried for Aria and Fitzy, when Police Boy Garrett knocked on the English teacher’s door last week, asking questions about “one of his students.” And we became even MORE concerned, when SOMEONE stole the VERY POORLY HIDDEN hide-a-key from underneath Fitzy’s Welcome Mat, and broke into his home.
Yet, when Fitzy meets Aria at the school, to tell her what went down, we learn that Police Boy Garrett didn’t ask any incriminating
or even vaguely interesting questions at all! (Gotta love Rosewood’s Finest, and their top notch investigating skills!)
But WAIT! There’s more! Fitzy, apparently, just got a job working at the local college . . . which means that he’s NOT going to teach at Aria’s high school anymore . . . which means that Aria and Ezra can feel free to date in public, without fear of persecution
(except for, you know, the whole STATUTORY RAPE thing).!
What’s more? Aria’s dad, who also works at the local college,
and REALLY wants to get into Fitzy’s pants is holding a Faculty Mixer at the Montgomery Household that evening as an excuse to get into Fitzy’s pants. So, since Fitzy is now officially FACULTY at the local college, he gets to go to Aria’s house and . . . visit her bedroom.
And we all KNOW what happens when boys get into girls’ bedrooms! (Right, Abs Toby?)
But then, things go south at the Faculty Mixer, when SHE shows up there . . .
It turns out that Jackie, the long-ago ex-fiance from far, far away, is not-so “long-ago,” nor is she so “far away.” In fact, she TEACHES at the college too!
To make matters worse, Fitzy has been with Jackie as recently as last year, back when she was a T.A. at the same college where the pair will now both be teaching.
(I hope you are wearing a bulletproof vest, Fitzy! Because you are NOT exactly Aria’s favorite person right now . . .)
But, hey! At least you got inside her bedroom! That’s gotta count for something, right?
In other BAD news . . .
None of my Exes Live in Texas . . .
Emily’s mom wants her and Emily to move to Texas, where Emily’s father will be stationed for a year. Poor Emily! What will happen to her 85,000 girlfriends in Rosewood?
And what exactly is the Gay Scene like in Texas? Will Emily have to change her ”look,” in order to fit in there?
Tune in next season
when we will, of course, learn that she is not actually moving, as she is one of the four MAIN characters of the show to find out!
In other news . . .
Marry me, Lucas!
LUCAS IS BACK!
And he’s wasting no time reminding us why we fell in love with him in the first place. When we first see Lucas, after a WAY TOO LONG HIATUS, he’s still giving Hanna the cold shoulder, as a result of her highly UNFORTUNATE rejection of him at the “I Didn’t Have to Get My Spleen Removed, Even Though I Was Ran Over by a Car” Party that Mona threw for her a few episodes back . . .
Yes, Lucas looks like a beaver died on his head, in this picture. But we are going to forgive him for that, since he is SO INCREDIBLY AWESOME.
Even though Lucas was deeply hurt by Hanna, he CLEARLY is still watching out for her. After overhearing Annoying Ass Mona lie through her teeth about the letter she was SUPPOSED to give to Hanna from Caleb, in which the Hot Man Whore professed his love for her . . .
Do, a little dumpster diving, Hanna! You might still be able to find it!
. . . Lucas THEN overhears Mona using Hanna’s PHONE to talk to Caleb. Mona actually has the GALL to tell the Poor Slutty Bastard that HANNA ripped up his love letter to her, when we all know that it was MONA who did the
not particularly effective ripping. When Lucas confronts Mona about this, she offers to help Lucas win Hanna’s heart, if he agrees to keep quiet about what he knows.
Well, THIS turn of events was kind of a head-scratcher for me. After last week, I was under the assumption that Mona didn’t want Hanna coupled with Caleb, because she wanted Hanna to stay single, like her. So, why, suddenly, would Mona prefer that Hanna date LUCAS, as opposed to Caleb? After all, just a few weeks back, Mona seemed determined that Hanna DITCH Lucas, in favor of Boring Ass Sean?
I’ve actually got three possible theories regarding the above conundrum: (1) Mona is a WAY better friend than us PLL fans give her credit for. And, as a GOOD friend, Mona recognizes that Lucas will be a better boyfriend to Hanna than Caleb. (2) Self-absorbed Mona wants to be Queen Bee at Rosewood, and she figures she will have a WAY better chance of doing so, if her biggest competition ,is dating a so-called”loser” than if he is dating the schoolest Hottest Homeless Bad Boy. And finally (3) Mona doesn’t have any intention of helping Lucas win Hanna’s heart. She just wants to keep Lucas’ mouth shut, and will say whatever she has to say, in order to accomplish this.
“I’m glad she only came up with three possibilities. Because I can’t count any higher than that.”
Whatever Mona’s intentions are, Lucas doesn’t give a RATS ASS about her shady offer to play matchmaker between him and Hanna. He proves this by tracking down Caleb (in Arizona?) and bringing him back to Rosewood.
“Why are you doing this for me?” Caleb asks incredulously, as the two men, who are both CLEARLY in love with the same woman, ride back to town with absolutely NOTHING interesting to say to one another.
“Because I am about twenty times more awesome than you will ever be.” “Because Hanna deserves to be happy,” Lucas replies solemnly.
(*Sigh!* Please put this recap on pause, while I retrieve my panties from the floor . . .)
OK . . . I’m back! Little do these newfound bromantic buddies know that, at the same time they are both gearing up for a Caleb / Hanna reunion . . .
. . . Hanna is deleting the Man Whore’s number from her cell phone. Oops!
You know, it might be a good thing, that most of our PLL girls have (at least temporarily) left their respective love interests in the dust this week. After all, they’ve got ENOUGH to worry about, without having to cope with Boy Drama . . .
The Flute Player Gets Played (In more ways than ONE!)
Creepy Kiddie Porn Flash Drive in hand, the PLL girls confront Jenna at school, about how the latter made her bedroom into her very own City of Brotherly Love. The PLL girls want answers from Jenna. They think they are entitled to them. They want the TRUTH!
As Little Miss Brother F*&ker shares what she knows with the PLL’s, we are treated to a Blind Jenna Flashback for the first time EVER, since the beginning of the series . . .
(Did anyone else think it was weird that Jenna was already wearing her “Blind Person Glasses,” back when she was first put in the hospital, following her Little Firecracker Accident? Wouldn’t her eyes be bandaged? Her face burned and bruised? I mean, those are DESIGNER GLASSES she’s wearing! Please, tell me what hospital gives THOSE out for free. Because I’m getting admittted!)
So, Ali comes to visit Blind Jenna at the hospital, following her trip to “Georgia.” She then promptly presents the Freaky Flute Player with the same video we saw earlier, of Jenna threatening, and subsequently making monkey with, Abs Toby. “The guy I like likes to make movies. I thought they were just about me. As it turns out, the Boy Next Door, likes watching ALL the Girls Next Door,” Ali monologues unnaturally, as if she is villain in a Batman Comic Book (The Riddler, perhaps?).
Now, of course, Jenna can’t SEE the video. But I’m assuming, she figures out what was going on in it based on
the extremely poorly written dialogue what is being said.
“Really Jenna? You ACTUALLY said, ‘It will be so easy to make my parents think you forced yourself on me?’ Ever hear of a little thing called subtlety? I mean, seriously, I know comic book villains that have a better way with words than you do,
and I am one of them.”
Caught between a rock and an incestuous place, Jenna is forced to make a deal with Ali. Ali will make sure the incriminating flash drive never sees the light of day. And, in return, Jenna will leave Rosewood FOREVER! (Aha! So, now we know why Jenna RETURNED to Rosewood for Ali’s funeral! Little did Ali know that their little agreement had an, easy out, Death Clause . . .)
After her confrontation with the PLL’s, Blind Jenna makes two phone calls . . .
“Can you hear me now? GOOD!”
The first call is to Creepy Pedo Ian. Upon hearing that the girls found the flash drive (which presumably includes videos he took), Creepy Pedo promises to “take care of it.”
“Hey, by the way, do you happen to have any 13-year old friends who are single? I’m looking to mingle!”
But it’s Jenna’s SECOND call that’s the MOST disturbing. Remember when I mentioned earlier that SOMEONE ELSE may have also been featured in Ian’s “home movies?” Well, that UNSEEN porn star, arrives at Jenna’s house. Jenna complains to him that this video is going to ruin all of their lives. But HE promises her that he won’t let that happen. Then HE takes off her glasses, and THIS happens . . .
Oh no, Police Boy GARRETT! Not YOU TOO! Man, are their ANY boys on this show who actually like girls their own age?
I stand corrected!
Nice Knowing Ya, Ian! (But, not really . . .)
“Now that I’m dead, I wonder if I can get a better deal on a cell phone plan . . .”
So, Melissa and Ian are planning to have their yet-to-be-born baby baptized at the local church. But Spencer is concerned that this might be a bit premature, since the baby might not be . . . entirely human.
Awww! He looks just like his dad!
Meanwhile, Spencer and the gang attempt to procure a confession from Ian about making the videos contained on the flash drive. They do this, by sending Ian a text from a blocked cell phone number (They stupidly used Spencer’s phone for this.) In the text, they instruct Creepy Pedo to bring $10,000 to a nearby park, in exchange for the flashdrive.
Hanna: “Hey, aren’t those the bears from the Charmin commercials? What are THEY doing here?”
Aria: “What do you THINK?”
Taking things one step further, the girls call upon Garrett the Police Boy to help them with the sting operation. Of course, as we know from watching him clean Blind Jenna’s teeth with his tongue, earlier in the hour, Police Boy’s intentions are not necessarily pure. Fortunately, Hanna, who knows a thing or two about shady police officers with ulterior motives . . .
. . . has the foresight to lie, and tell Police Boy that her mother knows where they are. (In other words, “don’t try any funny stuff, Officer Kid Groper!”)
Tensions are high, when a car pulls up, and a man emerges, carrying a bag filled with $10 grand in Cold Hard Cash . . .
Hey there, Sexy? Who are YOU? And why aren’t you a REAL cast member on this show?
Unfortunately, as you probably noticed already, that guy is NOT Ian.
He’s WAY HOTTER! Rather, it’s some dude that Ian paid to drop off the cash, and retrieve the flash drive on his behalf.
Woah . . . wait up . . . you’re telling me that Ian . . . a twenty-something high school hockey coach . . . has ten grand in cash, lying around his house AND has MORE money than that left over to pay hot guest stars? Ummm . . . I don’t think so!
Then again, Ian coaches at the SAME school where a youngish English teacher can afford to rent a limosine to (1) drive him all the way to Philadelphia; and (2) WAIT around for him for an entire evening, while he makes out with his underage girlfriend . . . so . . . yeah. (I’m SO getting a job teaching at Rosewood!)
Meanwhile, Spencer is cuddling with Abs Toby, falling asleep in his arms, and letting him adoringly play with her hair (AWWW!) . . .
This lovefest is interrupted, when Spencer gets a text from Melissa, stating that Ian never picked her from the church, following the Baptism . . . . interview(?).
(Wait . . . if Melissa walked to the church, why couldn’t she have walked HOME from there too? Lazy pregnant biatch!)
Fortunately, for us, Spencer doesn’t leave to pick up her good-for-nothing sister, right away. Instead, she spends some time sweetly telling Abs Toby that he is her “safe place to land.” In return, Toby tells Spencer that he will ALWAYS be there for her, whenever she is ever in need.
(Something tells me she is going to be taking you up on that promise REAL soon, Tobster!)
Then, of course, the two makeout . . . again . . .
Never . . . gets . . . old.
Eventually, Spencer finally manages to pick up her bratty ass sister, who’s Pregnancy Brain made her leave her cell phone in church.
“Wahhhh, MY PHONE! Waaahhhh My Creepy Pedo Husband! Wahhhhh you’re mean to me! Wahhhh I’m one of the most unlikeable characters on a show that is FILLED with unlikeable characters!
Wahhhhhhh I miss WREN!“
Spencer stops the car, to return to church, when WHAM, her car gets broadsided by another car (on purpose?). Next thing you know, Spencer is in the hospital, without a scratch on her. But Melissa seems pretty banged up, and is at risk of losing herbaby. So, being the caring sister Spencer is, she decides to go back to the church and retrieve Melissa’s phone. (Because, cell phones are way more important than stupid babies, anyway! Yeah, way to have your priorities straight, Spencer!)
“Oh, please! The baby is going to be EVIL, anyway! At least the cell phone comes with cool ring tones!”
So, Spencer heads back to the church. And there . . . SURPRISE . . . is Creepy Pedo IAN!
You know how, up to this point, it was kind of hard to figure this guy out. Because, as creepy as Ian was, he sometimes did NICE things, like rescue Spencer from the Fun House
that he may have trapped her in, in the first place? Well, all that is GONE in this scene. Creepy Pedo Ian is in full on EVIL mode!
“Melissa would want me to take care of this,” Ian says menacingly.
Creepy Pedo then admits that he KNOWS his wife was in the hospital, having just been HIT BY A CAR, but chooses to accost Spencer in the church, rather than tending to the mother of his child. (It is almost as if he KNEW they would be in an accident. Interesting . . .)
So, I’m convinced that the reason the producers chose to show a full moon in this shot, is to imply that Creepy Pedo Ian is actually a werewolf . . . Yes . . . I DO watch too much Vampire Diaries and True Blood.
“You were planning to’ take care of this,’ like you took care of Alison,” Spencer sneers.
Spencer then shows Ian the incriminating flashdrive (makes some fairly lame ”home movie” jokes, while she displays it). Thinking fast, the “Smartest PLL” tosses the flash drive at Ian, before dashing up to the Church’s bell tower.
Wait . . . WHAT? You THREW AWAY the evidence . . . AGAIN, Spencer! I’m hoping you were smart enough to make a copy this time, Little Miss Supposed Over Achiever!
Now, Spencer may have been silly, when it came to her flash drive evidence, but she WAS smart enough to call Emily on her cell phone, as Ian chased her around the church . . .
ARIA: “Crap! I forgot to DVR Pretty Little Liars, tonight!”
EMILY: “Don’t worry! It’s playing on my iPhone RIGHT NOW!”
This enables all the PLL’s to hear all the SUPER INCRIMINATING things Ian is saying while he TRIES TO MURDER Spencer. (I hope you recorded that, Emily!)
Admittedly, I had to watch this chase scene twice, to figure out what Ian was saying. And I STILL don’t think I got it all down. Mostly, Ian was talking about how he was planning to kill Spencer in the church, and make it look like a suicide. He planned to leave a note on Spencer’s computer, after she was dead, saying that she couldn’t deal with the pain of Ali’s death, and, therefore, offed herself . . . in a church.
There are two interesting things about Ian’s monologue:
(1) He inadvertently cites the WRONG cause of Ali’s death. While Ali ACTUALLY died of strangulation, he cites, in Spencer’s fake suicide note, that she “fell to her death.” This comment would seem to go AGAINST the commonly held notion that Ian killed Ali.
(2) Ian notes, once AGAIN, that he is killing Spencer, FOR Melissa. Is it possible then that MELISSA killed Ali (or at least that Ian THINKS she did)? Has Ian’s creepy behavior merely been a result of his trying to cover for his wife, because he feels GUILTY about cheating on her with Ali
and about being a disgusting pedophile, who videotapes half-naked tweens?
It wouldn’t be the first time this actress played a psycho killer!
The answers to these questions, apparently, are not ones we will get first hand. Because, moments later, Ian is dangling Spencer from the church bell tower. In a strange twist of fate, she is grabbing on to her would-be killer’s arm for dear life. Then, she pulls herself up onto the scaffolding. What happens next is pretty shocking. (As if all this WASN”T SHOCKING!) A black cloaked figure comes out of the darkness, and pushes Ian off the scaffolding. And yet, Ian doesn’t FALL to his death. Instead, he gets tied up in the ropes and is hung.
Of course, the rest of the PLL’s arrive, after the hooded figure (A?) has left the building. They reach the top of the church tower, to find the disturbing image of Dead Ian swaying back and forth, like the pendulum of a grandfather clock, as Spencer watches on silently traumatized . . .
Yet, by the time the police arrive on the scene . . . IAN’S BODY IS GONE!
But, look who’s back from the PLL Lost Boy Vortex?
It’s Bushy Eyebrows Noel!
In the final moments of the episode, the girls, OF COURSE, get, yet another text message from “A” . . .
And here’s what it says: “It’s not over until I say it is. Sleep tight, while you still can b*tches!” – A
Oh boy! Something tells me, many of us PLL fans will be having some trouble sleeping, between now and when the show returns in June for it’s second season! Fortunately, that gives us plenty of time to piece together all the clues we’ve gathered so far during Season 1. So, I now turn things over to you, My Pretties! Start sleuthing!