Get Your Snowballs Out of My SHOWER! – A Recap of True Blood’s “Spellbound”

You know what I like best about Shower Sex?  IT ACTUALLY OCCURS IN A SHOWER . . . not on the film set for the Chronicles of Narnia!

Sigh!  Oh, True Blood!  How you tease me with your wanton promises of Sexy Seric Shower Sex!  How you made me wait patiently, week in, and week out, for some hot, soapy, bubbly, lathery lovely loving, only to give me something that was .  . . well . . . NONE OF THOSE THINGS.

On a brighter note, I have a brief message I would like to pass along to Eric Northman’s Tushy, on behalf of all Fangbangers . . .

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WE SALUTE YOU!

Let’s recap, shall we?

(By the way, special thanks to Skarsgardfans.com for the fabulous screencaps you see here.)

Vampire Jessica is Having a Very Bad Day . . . Mostly

“Oh Jason!  You’ve saved my life!  Please, let me reward you with a quick Floor F*&k in Daddy’s lobby.”

When we last saw Vampire Jessica, that Mean Ole Witchipoo was spelling her into wanting to meet the sun . . .

OH NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

This week, it was JASON STACKHOUSE TO THE RESCUE!

“Really wishing I had a cape, and some tights, right about now .  . . “

Like a TOTAL BOSS, he tackles Jessica to the ground (Kinky!), and slams the door to Bill’s big fancy mansion WITH HIS FOOT, so Jessica can’t get out.   While, still under the influence of the spell, Jessica flips Jason on his back (More kinky!), and starts attacking him .  . .

Hey!  She kind of looks like she’s playing air guitar, in this picture!

But then the spell inexplicably stops, and Jessica’s thinking, “WOAH!  Weirdest Sex Dream EVER almost as bad as Sookie’s and Eric’s Winter Wondersex!”

She looks down at her hero (who she is oh-so-conveniently straddling at the moment).  Adorable Jason is looking up at Jessica with these big lovey dovey puppy dog eyes, despite the fact that she pretty muh looks like sh*t, right now AND was, just a few minutes ago, trying to EAT HIS FACE OFF!

“I love you . .  . you Crazy Sunburned B*tch!”

And she’s so overcome with passion for him, not to mention, she can feel his massive hard-on poking through her jeans that she plants a big sloppy wet one right on his mouth . . .  After it happens, she pulls away, in shock over what she has done.

“Oh gosh . . . I must have the worst morning breath.  I’m so ashamed!”

But Jessica needn’t be upset.  After all, this is Jason we are talking about!  Former manwhore Jason.  And he loooooooooooooves Jessica.  In fact, he’s so horny for the girl, right now, that he sits up, and pulls her in for another kiss . .  .a REAL ONE, this time!  There won’t be any chalking up of this kiss to “The Excitement of the Moment,” no sir!

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Things are getting REALLY GOOD!  So, of course, you can count on King Cockblock to screw them up.  “SOOOOOOKEHHHHHH JESSSSICAAAAAAA!” He whines .  . . like a b*tch.

“No one gets lucky on my watch . . . NO ONE!  Not even JASON STACKHOUSE, the guy who was gang-banged by werepanthers!”

Jason carries Jessica down the steps to King Cockblock’s hidey hole.  And it’s pretty darn adorable though Floor Sex would have been much more adorable.  Don’t you think?.  Beeeelll thanks Jason for having to save Jessica’s life, because her own maker was too big of a weenie to put the right amount of silver on her.  He then tells Jason that Jessica is going to need to stay in bed, and under silver, for the rest of the day, just in case Witchipoo decides to star in Evil Vampire Spell 2: Electric Boogaloo.  Jessica agrees, because now that she has a solid sex partner, she REAAAAAALLLLLY wants to live!

Jason puts the RIGHT amount of silver on Jessica, while he tries to come up with “happy thoughts” for her to think about, so that she won’t focus on the pain.  “Hot summer days . . . barbecues . . .” He begins.

Though Jessica is too in love with Jason’s face to notice how unintentionally inappropriate he’s being, Jason eventually recognizes his mistake, and changes his “happy thoughts” to things that Vampire Jessica might actually like such as Jason’s ENORMOUS COCK: the moon, never being cold, and Tru Blood . . .   (Awww, Jason!  No vampire actually LIKES Tru Blood.  You should know that by now!)

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The pair looks like they are going to make out right there on that coffin bed.  So, of course, you can count on cockblock Bill to chime in again, and interrupt.  He reminds Jason to not rat out Jessica for eating one of his guards.

Don’t worry, Jess!  Bucky’s not dead.  He’s just taking a nap . . . in his own blood.

Jason says, more or less, “Cool, no problem.  I won’t tell on Jess for eating ‘Bucky,’ if you won’t tell on me for shooting the Extra you had stationed outside.”

Jason and King Cockblock have themselves a deal.  They’d probably even shake on it, if Bill wasn’t chained to his bed with silver .  . . oh well!

The next time we see Jessica it’s “nighttime.”  She arrives home to an unwashed Hoyt, and tells him it’s over between them . . .

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He does NOT take it well . . . We watch him cry and blubber,  beg Jessica to take him back, and offer to drink her blood everyday.  Then THIS happens . . .

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OH MY GOD!  You just killed Hoyt, you bastar . . . I mean . . . b*tch!

Then Jessica runs outside with a big honking smile on her bloody face, and finds Jason waiting in his car, ready to give her the best de-virginization of her life.  And the fact that she doesn’t seem upset AT ALL about just murdering her first love, makes me think, “WOW!  Jessica Hamby is one SICK PUPPY!”

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It’s still pretty hot though . . .

Then Jessica wakes up in her little silver coffin bed.  And we realize it was nothing but a bad dream.  DARN! PHEW!  What a relief!

But then nighttime comes AGAIN.  And AGAIN, Jessica goes to the house she shares with Hoyt, to dump his adorable naive butt.  And AGAIN he doesn’t take it well . . . But this time, it’s a little bit . . . different.

“I KNOW you killed me in your dream!  You . . .  DREAM MURDERER!” 

In Jessica’s dream, Hoyt was a pathetic sniveling mess, when she dumped him.  In real life, he is hurt . . . defensive . . . and, as a result, very MEAN.  He hits Jessica in all her sore spots:  her perpetual virginity, her lack of . . . life, and her former religious roots.

“OH NO, YOU DI-N’T!” 

Though Jessica claims that she is dumping Hoyt, because she doesn’t believe vampires are meant to be monogamous, Hoyt is no dummy.  He knows Jessica has been distant for some time, and suspects that another man is the reason.  And it is . .  . partly.

But there’s another part of Jessica, who just wants to embrace her vampire identity.  And she feels she can’t do that while playing house with Hoyt.  This is why, in her dream, Jason said things to her like, “I love when your face is all covered with blood.  I want you to f*ck me and bite me at the same time.”  Dream Jason loves the vampire side of Jessica, in a way that Real Life Hoyt doesn’t, necessarily.

“Maybe God really does hate fangers.  And so do I!”  Hoyt exclaims, as he rescinds poor Jessica’s invitation to his house, and proceeds to throw furniture around to assert his manhood.

It’s pretty heartbreaking, actually . . .

But if Jess thinks she’s going to get comfort from Mr, Sexypants, himself, Jason Stackhouse, she’s got another thing coming!  Because Jason is nothing, if not loyal.  And he’s also a firm adherent to the Bro Code.  So, when he hears that Jessica dumped his best friend, though he’s clearly affected by the pain she’s in, he’s petrified of the notion that she might have done it for HIM.

“Time out!  Cut to commercial break!” 

It just goes to show how much Jason has grown up, over the past few seasons, that he is able to restrain himself from jumping on Jess, out of allegiance to Hoyt, despite the fact that it’s OBVIOUSLY what he wants to do.  (Remember Season 2, when Jason boned that crazy preacher guy’s wife?  Good times!)  Jessica on the other hand, is still young, inexperienced, and impulsive.  In short, she is the female version of who Jason used to be . . .

That being said, it was still SUPER sad, when Jason rescinded Jessica’s invitation to HIS house too.  I mean, how much heartache is a girl expected to endure in a single hour?

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Man, he looks good in that tight tank top!  Just so you know, Jason.  I’m NOT dating Hoyt So, you can totally have sex with me.

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That’s right, Jess.  And he probably would have done a whole lot more to you, if King Cockblock didn’t intervene.  Who knew King Cockblock was on Team Hoyt?

After Jessica “leaves,” Jason starts incessantly doing pushups, which, oddly enough, I’m starting to think is his way of jerking off . . . weird.

But don’t worry Team Jassica fans!  I suspect this little love triangle is FAR from over!  Alan Ball would NEVER let so much sexual chemistry go to waste except when it comes to the SHOWER SCENE!  WHY, OH WHY did you screw up the shower scene?

Meanwhile, back in Sookieville . . .

Neck Biting: Good! / Snow Hallucinations: BAAAAAAAAD!

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but would you mind terribly taking off that ugly flannel you’re wearing.  It’s distracting me from my wonderful Neck Bite Orgasm.” 

Back at Amnesia Eric’s Hidey Hole, Sookie rips off the Viking Vamp’s silver chains, only to find that he is not healing, as fast as he should be.  It turns out that Amnesia Eric has been WAY too busy having woodland creature sex to think about feeding.  In fact, the last thing he ate, was THIS . . .

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So, Sookie offers up herself as breakfast, holding on to silver for dear life, as the Viking Vampire gives her the Biggest Hickey Ever!  When he’s done SUCKING, he bites his own hand, and offers it to Sookie to drink, so that they can “become one” or whatever . . .

“I do hope you washed that first!  I mean, lord knows where it’s been . . . Oh wait, I know EXACTLY where it’s been.” 

Talk about biting the hand that feeds you!

Rub-a-dub-Dub!  It’s time for the SHOWER SCENE!

YEAH! 

Everything is going great, until Sookie turns on the showerhead, and SNOWBALLS come out . . .

Honey, this would be a really good time to call your plumber! 

After that, things went downhill fast . . . with Amnesia Eric and Sookie sharing V / Fairy blood induced Narnia hallucinations .  . .

“Is that a snowball in my ass, or are you just happy to see me?” 

Then, Bibbity, Bobbity Boo, all those snowballs magically turn into a fur bed.  And I suddenly know what Cinderella would look like as a porno flick . . .

Do you REALLY want to help, Fairy Godmother?  Than PUT THEM BACK IN THE SHOWER, WHERE THEY BELONG!

While the sex fiends are coming down from their mutual high in a decidedly NON-snowball covered bed, Amnesia Eric asks Sookie to run away with her.

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But Sookie tells him that they can’t run away, because it is their duty to help BEEEEEEEEL fight Witchipoo.  After all, Viking Vamp is a “warrior” and stuff . . . and  . . .

WAIT!  NO!  You two have NO obligation to fight for Beeel, at all!  Stay HOME, for Heaven sakes!  Have more Narnia Sex!  Anything but THIS!  In fact, what happens at the end of the episode to Amnesia Eric is YOUR fault Sookeh for making him “fight like a man” . . . or should I say . . . a vamp!  See?  This is what happens when you avoid the shower!

Just so you know, Sookie.  You and I are in a fight, right now. 

So, Sookie and Amnesia Eric visit King Cockblock, dressed like an old frumpy farming couple from East Deliverance, U.S.A. . . .

What not to wear when going on a witch hunt . . .

The pair tell Beel that they want to fight on his behalf, because Beel is Eric’s liege, and Sookie’s um . . . Bill.  King Cockblock doesn’t think Sookie can be of any help . . . her being . . . you know . . . a girl, and all.  But Sookie reminds him that she has The Glow Fingers.  And, suddenly, all is right in the world . . . until the end of the episode, of course . .  . when it isn’t.

Speaking of people who’d like to f*&k Sookie . . .

Leader of the Pack . . . But Still Whipped . . .

“Hi Greasipoo, meet my girlfriend, Sookie . . . er . . . I mean Trailer Trash Debbie.” 

 For someone who “isn’t into the whole pack thing,” Alcide sure seems to be fitting in quite well.   First, he helps break up a fight, among warring pack members.  Then, he showers Greasipoo with compliments about his decision to keep the pack out of the supernatural in-fighting between the vampires and the witches.  Greasipoo tells Alcide that he has “a little Alpha in him” and Trailer Trash Debbie agrees . . .

I’d like him to put a little Alpha in me! 

Greasipoo informs the Studly Alcide that he can move up in the pack, if he plays his cards right.  But Alcide doesn’t seem all that interested in such political crap.  Cue Trailer Trash Debbie, and her broken record complaints that Alcide spends too much time with Sookie, and that she is probably better in bed than I am is a TOTAL SLUT bad influence, since she sleeps with all those vampires.  Alcide, reluctantly, promises to stay away from Sookie.  And, to his credit, he keeps that promise for an ENTIRE TWENTY MINUTES!

Sorry Debbie!  You’re just not fairy enough for Alcide.

Meanwhile, over in that it’s becoming really annoying Not-so-Evil Baby Storyline . . .

What Big Freaky Ass Eyes You Have, Ghost Mom!

Awww!  Evil Baby and Evil Baby Doll have matching outfits.  How cute!

So, we finally know what’s up with this weird baby storyline.  Apparently, the ghost haunting Evil Baby Mikey is not Rene’s at all.  Rather, he belongs to THIS CHICK . . .

Creepiest EYES EVER!

Apparently, as we learn from flashbacks, Creepy Ghost Mom had sex with some married white dude, back in the day, and gave birth to a child, that he . . . I think . . . killed, so his wife wouldn’t know he was cheating.  The white dude lived in what is now Hoyt’s house.  And Creepy Ghost Mom had brought Ugly Doll originally as a gift for her dead kid.

 

Don’t hate me because I haunt innocent people, and have really bad taste in toys.  Hate me, because I have scary eyes. 

Somehow, Creepy Ghost Mom believes that Evil Baby Mikey is the reincarnated version of her lost child, because he just so happens to enjoy playing with the Ugly Doll.  So, Creepy Ghost Mom does what any mother would do in a situation like this:  She POSSESSES LAFAYETTE’S BODY!

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That night, while everyone is sleeping at the Bellefleur mansion, Possessed Lala saunters right into the house, like he owns the place, tip toes upstairs, and snatches Evil Baby.  What she/he plans to do with it now, is anybody guess.  However I suspect it involves torturing the poor kid with those annoying ass songs Creepy Ghost Mom always sings . . .

“Get me out of this sh*t storyline, Hooker!”

In other boring news . . .

Cat Barbie Still Doesn’t Like Sam (and neither does Greasipoo) .  . .

“I dated a Cat Barbie once, back when I shapeshifted into a Ken Doll.  She was very pretty, but kind of wooden in the sack, if you catch my drift.” 

Here we go again, folks!  Once again, Sam is at Luna’s house, with his proverbial tail between his legs.  It was good that he came in person, because I don’t think they make an e-card yet for: “I’m sorry my Skinwalker Teenage Brother pretended to be me, and had unsatisfying sex with you.”  Sam tries very hard to get back into Luna’s panties, by telling her, that he thinks that what Tommy did to Luna was worse than what he did to his parents.  (Really Sam?  Because, last I checked, Bad Sex couldn’t KILL YOU!)

“So, what’s a little white lie, if it helps get you laid?” 

Sam wins decidedly more points, by playing Barbies with the kid, while Luna cooks dinner.  But then Greasipoo interrupts dinner.  And he’s SUPER PISSED about Sam’s unexpected presence.  Surprise, surprise!  The “jealous boyfriend” / father of her kid Luna was referring to, is actually Marcus Greasioo, a.k.a Shreveport Werewolf Packmaster.

“I’ve even got an evil villain beard!” 

Sam tries to make peace with Greasipoo, but the dude is clearly not having it.  “You just pissed on the wrong boots, my friend,” he says threateningly.

I don’t know.  I don’t think Greasipoo isn’t giving Samipoo enough credit.  It’s not easy to piss on someone else’s boots.  For starters, it requires excellent aim . . .

Speaking of people who piss on your boots . . .

Tommy Boy Strikes Again!


So, this is how it’s going to be, huh?  Each week a new actor gets to pretend to be Tommy, Tommy assumes a new identity.  Comic Hijinks ensue?

This week, Tommy impersonates his once-surrogate Mommy, Maxine (He stole her clothing and makeup from her house the night before), in order to get his hands on the oil money to which he had learned she was entitled, a few weeks back.  Unfortunately, for him, the payoff ends up being not nearly as much as he expected.  But the day is not a total loss!  After all, Tommy Boy still gets the chance to wear awful makeup, do his hair really weird, and order the food Sam hides for himself in the back of the bar “because he is selfish.”  Just another day in the life of a Skinwalker/ Transvestite!

Lookin’ good, Tommy/Maxine! 

I actually think that Tommy Merlotte, would make for a pretty hot chick, don’t you?

In completely unrelated news, that curler-wearing vampire from last week is dead . . . er . . . deader.  (R.I.P.)  So, of course, V-addicted Andy almost licks her off the floor.

Come on, Andy!  Have a little class!  At least use a fork! 

And finally, the storyline you’ve all been waiting for . . .

“Sit, Viking Vamp.  Good dog!  Now beg for shower sex.”

Poor Eric Northman!  Why must they continue to emasculate you on this show?  Penis size envy, perhaps?  For a while there, things were  looking really good for you.  You were ripping throats out, and taking names.  I thought you were finally coming back to yourself.  Then, THIS happened, and well . . . yuck!

It all starts when King Cockblock compelled a reporter (Selah Pumphrey .  . . readers of the book series should remember the name) to allow him to monopolize the airwaves to give out a Pro Vampire PR message, in light of Curler-Wearing Vampire’s death . . .

Witchipoo honestly cracks me up, with her frantic inability to turn off the television to get Vampire Bill’s annoying face off her screen.  (I feel your pain, Witchipoo!)  This was a clever touch on the writers’ part, as it’s easy to forget that “Antonia” hasn’t been around for a LONG time, and has probably never seen a television in her entire life.

Tara is hanging out with Witchipoo.  For about two seconds, she pretends she didn’t know that the purpose of their little witchy spell that morning was to KILL ALL THE VAMPIRES, and feigns outrage over how AWFUL that is.  Then, Tara gets bored of pretending to be a decent human being, and goes right back to being her sniveling, whining, selfish, murderous self . . .

“Hey, Witchipoo!  You’ve got the wrong idea about me.  I never said I wanted the vampire to all die!  I just don’t want them to be on this Earth anymore.  You know, so you should like ship them all to Uranus, or something. . . ” 

Witchipoo is SEETHING over the fact that her little spell only killed that Curler-Wearing vampire!  But she manages to maintain her cool, when a slick and slimy King Cockblock calls her on the phone to arrange a meeting.

“So, Witchipoo, what are you wearing!”

Witchipoo is hesitant to meet with King Cockblock, at first.  But then he blows so much smoke up her ass that she nearly floats out of the room.  And so the pair agree to meet alone at the cemetery at midnight.  Of course, when the meeting time arrives, neither party is exactly alone.

“Expecto Patronum!” 

“Ditto!”

I love when Sookie and Tara look at one another from across the cemetery, and realize they are on opposite sides of this battle.  It’s a total “Et Tu B*tchay?” moment!  King Cockblock promises Witchipoo that the vampires will leave her alone, if she takes her evil spells off of Eric and Pam.  But since Eric and Pam were some of the many vampires who actually HARMED Witchipoo . . . or rather, “Marnie,” she’s not having it.

But then, Witchipoo starts chanting again.  And Eric does THIS . . .

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 . . . which is a decidedly NON-Amnesia Eric thing to do.  So, maybe she despelled him, after all . . . for now.

Eric’s throat grabber is like the starter gun that begins the race.  And all of the sudden, vampires are kicking witches ASSES, left and right.  Sookie even eliminates a few coven losers with her magic fairy fingers.  (You GLOW, girl!)

“Damn!  I could really use a manicure!  My nailbeds are shot to hell!” 

Then, the moment we’ve all been waiting for arrives.  Pam corners Tara, and prepares to break her neck .  . .  ONCE AND FOR ALL!

 “Go Pam!  It’s your birthday!  Gonna murder Tara, like it’s your birthday!  Gonna rip her throat out, like it’s your birthday.”

But then, who should come and screw it all up? But KING COCKBLOCK, who COMMANDS Pam to spare TARA!

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I CONCUR, PAM!  King Cockblock ruins EVERYTHING!

Then someone SHOOTS SOOKIE!

And if you think she actually dies, I have a bridge to sell you in Brooklyn for five cents . . .  

Suddenly, all the men in Sookie’s life stop short in their tracks, because . . . you know . . . EVERYBODY LOVE SOOKEEHHHH!

Witchipoo uses this crucial, “Not without my Soookeeeeh” moment, to try on some new colored contacts . . .

. . . and put YET ANOTHER spell on Eric Northman.  This one seems to make him her (sex?) slave.  (Well, hey, at least SOMEONE’S going to get shower sex!)

Meanwhile, it’s actually ALCIDE, who rescues Sookie from her once-a-season near death experience . . .  lifting her up and out of the frey, in those big burly arms of his .  . .

“Man, this is the biggest doggie treat I have ever seen!” 

Of course, where there is an Alcide, there is a Trailer Trash Debbie stalking nearby.  And she is NOT a happy camper.  So, much for that “stay away from Sookie” promise.  Right Alcide?

Apparently, while in her wolf form, Trailer Trash Debbie is capable of curling her hair, and putting on makeup.  Talk about Stupid Pet Tricks.”

So, just to review:  the episode ends with Formerly Amnesia / Now Sex Slave Eric, getting a head rub from Witchipoo;  Sookie being carried off the premises by the Big Bad Wolf; Trailer Trash Debbie rethinking her 80′s hair; and Tara still alive . . .

In short, NO ONE is happy . . . and life sucks.  Did I mention they forgot to include the Shower Sex?

Oh well . . .  better luck next week, Sookehhhh.  If you live that long . . .

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Tata for now, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

16 Comments

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16 responses to “Get Your Snowballs Out of My SHOWER! – A Recap of True Blood’s “Spellbound”

  1. Jellie Bean

    Good episode although all the weird LSD type dreams were annoying but erics butt made up for that.
    I felt sooooo bad for Jessica 2 resinded invitations in one night & no hot steamy Jason loving poor girl can’t catch a break.
    & I’ve had more than enough of Dipsh*t Debbie commandering Alcide and his awesome abs we need her to be killed off preferably by Sookie & her glow fingers she can then commence in a totally hot menage a trois with Alcide and Eric.
    How long until Miss Witch dies? If she turns Eric into her sex slave I may jump in the TV & off her myself along with Tag along Tara, that girls joins any stray group/cult that wanders by.
    Also I want to adopt evil baby.

    • LOL, this is true Jellie Bean! Eric’s Butt solves ALL problems. In fact, I’m pretty sure that ass is capable of bringing about World Peace. :)

      I felt awful for Jess too. On one hand, you could see where both guys were coming from. From Hoyt’s perspective, he had just had his heart stomped on. And Jess’s delivery of the “it’s not you, it’s me” talk, WAS pretty cold, and emotionless, all things considered. Hoyt was hurt, and angry, and wanted Jess to feel what he was feeling. But that really wasn’t an excuse for him to deliver some of the low blows he delivered. I really hate when people go for your weak spot in arguments, just because they can. And that’s exactly what Hoyt did.

      As for Jason, he WAS trying to be a loyal friend to Hoyt. He just went about it the TOTALLY wrong way. I wish he was a little more sensitive to Jess’ feelings, especially considering that he ABSOLUTELY did kiss her that morning, and he kissed her HARD! It’s not Jess’ fault that she enjoyed it. (I mean, who wouldn’t?) Then again, Jason Stackhouse has never exactly been someone known for his social skills. :)

      And yes, I’m with you. Let’s tie Tara and Trailer Trash Debbie together, attach their feet to some big heavy boulders, throw them in the lake, and see if they can swim. ;) (By the way, good point about Tara joining “any stray cult that wanders by.” You would think she would have learned a lesson from the whole Maenad thing, but NOOOOOO!

      I do think Witchipoo has some sexual plans for Eric, unfortunately. I just really hope we don’t have to see Aunt Petunia naked because . . .well, I’m not going to say it, because it’s not very nice . . . I think you can figure out what I’m thinking though . . . ;)

      Yeah . . . I would probably go into the adoption lottery for Evil Baby too. Except, I’m pretty sure, Evil Baby comes with Ugly Doll, and Creepy Eyed Ghost Mom as a three-part “package deal.” And, if that’s the case. . . NO THANKS. (The Ugly Doll wouldn’t be so bad, but I DEFINITELY couldn’t stand all that awful singing from Ghost Mom! :)

      Ooh, Alcide AND Eric Sex in one bed? Now THAT’S a hallucination I could be down for! I’d even let them throw in a few snowballs, for good measure. :)

  2. Beau

    I just want to say I looove you reviews, I have been reading them since TVD start of season 2 :) Thank you for always keeping me updated and sharing my love for Damon end Eric!

    • Thanks so much Beau! I am so glad you’ve been enjoying these recaps! They’ve been a ton of fun to write. And I love chatting in the comment section with awesome TV fangirls, like yourself. I mean, considering that you are a TVD, TB, Damon AND Eric fan, you clearly have spectacular taste, in both television and men! :)

  3. East Coast Captain

    Hoyt is a douchebag calling Jessica names because she wants to move on, I hope Vampire Bil gives him a good rude awakening.

    Alcide is the new Bill nuff said.

    Tara needed to be wiped out but she should stop bitching now about her self pity and her hatred of vampires.

    I love the Narnia scene, it bordered on NC17.

    As for Jessica she really takes after her father, he´s gotten his invitation resended like a few times now from several places.

    • I was shocked at Hoyt’s behavior too, East Coast Captain. This was the first time, since the character has appeared on television that I truly saw a bit of his awful prejudiced mother in him. I mean, I get that he was hurt, but it’s not like he didn’t see it coming. Jess has been pulling away from him, since the beginning of the season, LONG before Jason Stackhouse even entered the picture. And yet, as Jess said, this was both of their first relationships, so I guess we can forgive both of them a bit for acting immaturely.

      I’m not sure if Vampire Bill is going to get involved in his daughter’s sex life. On the other hand, Jess has already admitted to him that she has fallen out of love with Hoyt. And it wouldn’t take a centuries old vampire to see that there was some SERIOUS sexual chemistry going on between Jason and Jess, when he carried her back to the cell. So, Bill definitely knows what’s happening here. And now, homeless and alone, Baby Vamp is going to need her Maker’s support more than ever.

      Hmmm, how is Alcide the new Bill? :)

      I don’t know about the Narnia Scene being NC-17 (though I guess the whole show kind of is). I actually could have standed it to be a heck of a lot raunchier, with more close-ups and sound effects, if you catch my drift. ;)

  4. Linn

    Holy shit, I actually thought Jessica killed Hoyt! I jumped out of the sofa! It wasn’t until she got out to Jason in the car and he liked all the blood that I realized it was a dream (and then I felt like a fool ;) Also I am now totally in love with Jason. Sorry amnesia Eric, you’re now in second place. I’m such a fickle fangirl…

    Eugh, but I really didn’t like what Antonia was doing to Eric in the end of the episode. Creepy! And I fear the consequences (much more than I fear Sookie’s injuries. Was it a wooden bullit by the way, or some friendly fire in the fog?)

    I also felt cheated out of a shower sex scene. And I feel that we don’t need more tender, soft focus Seric sex. Show us some passion! It’s real love, we get it, they love each other. It doesn’t mean they only can have look-deep-into-eachothers-eyes slow-moving lovemaking. I bet if they hadn’t both been so high, they could have had an amazing shower. Another example of how drugs are bad for you…

    • I’m glad I wasn’t the only one who was fooled by Jessica’s dream sequence. I guess it’s just a testament to how bizarre this show could be sometimes, that a likeable protagonist could brutally murder another relatively likeable protagonist, and a whole bunch of us simply accept it as being Just Another Weird True Blood Twist (despite many of us having read the book series).

      I definitely shouted at the screen, when it happened. I believe my words were “HOLY CRAP! How the hell are they going to ever redeem this character, AFTER THIS?”

      And then Jess woke up . . . and I felt REALLY silly for having yelled at my television for no reason.

      Of course, I have NO REGRETS about yelling at my television during the NOT Shower Sex Scene. You are absolutely right. Drugs are VERY bad indeed, if they make you replace Hot Sexy Shower Sex for Loopy Lame Narnia Sex!

      Don’t get me wrong, I love this season. But sometimes I feel like Alan Ball is writing the Seric Storyline the way he THINKS women want to see it. What he fails to realize is that woman can be just as dirty and raunchy as men are. And WE LIKE HARDCORE SEX TOO! :)

      I think it was you and Amy who both mentioned that, of all the MANY Seric Sex Scenes we have witnessed this season, the sexiest by far, was the FIRST one . . . where Eric and Sookie, overtaken by passion for one another, start going at it like monkeys on Sookie’s couch. Unlike the glossy woodland sex, the porn-esque bedroom sex, or the trippy Narnia Sex, COUCH SEX was raw, unbridled, sloppy, and full of passion.

      I loved that, instead of the blissfully blank faces we witnessed on Sookie and Eric during Woodland and Narnia, during Couch Sex, their eyes were bugging out of their heads, their mouths were open, they were panting, and they both looked just the slightest bit in pain. That’s what REAL sex looks like . . . the good kind, anyway! It’s not SUPPOSED TO BE PRETTY!

      *sigh* OK I feel better now, having gotten that off of my chest. Thanks for stopping by and talking about sex with me. :)

  5. Linn

    Haha, any time Julie ;)
    And you are absolutely right. I’m actually offended that anyone would think that a woman’s idea of perfect sex would look like something straight out of barbie world. That couch session was by faaaar the best and we want more of that. Give me that, and Amnesia Eric goes back on the top of the list (especially if he goes back to being funloving and cheeky, like in the first few episodes of the season).

    “Unlike the glossy woodland sex, the porn-esque bedroom sex, or the trippy Narnia Sex” hahaha, these are perfect descriptions! I want AB to hire you as a special sex scene consultant. That should sort it out!

  6. imaginarymen

    I could watch the Jason Work Out GIF until my eyes melted out of my head!

    This Jessica/Jason/Hoyt triangle is killing me! I love me some Hoyt and I my jaw DROPPED when I thought they finally had done what I’ve warned for every episode “Don’t kill Hoyt!!” But Jess and Jason have SO much chemistry! AGH!!

    I guess if it gets dragged out longer with lots of Jason shirtless and tank topped working out – that would be OK ;-p

  7. serendipity

    OH, Julie! I’m totally there with you! The title and the comment on some of the pics had me cracking up! “You know what I like best about Shower Sex? IT ACTUALLY OCCURS IN A SHOWER . . . not on the film set for the Chronicles of Narnia!” :D :D SO TRUE! A shower scene should make me think of hot and steamy, not have me shivering and fearing icicles in unwanted places (which this one totally did!)… But that’s what you get when you’ve got freaking SNOW coming out of your shower! “Honey, this would be a really good time to call your plumber!” I AGREE! But ;) for Cinderella as a porno flick!

    If that was THE LONG AWAITED SHOWER SEX SCENE, IT TOTALLY SUCKED! Okay, it was sweet and I could have lived with it, IF IT HADN’T BEEN THE SHOWER SEX SCENE ! :( Remember the Sookie/Bill shower scene AB stole from us in Season 3? Now THAT was shower sex! So unfair! What is it with TB this season? All those out-of-body experiences and weirdness going on… :(

    Though I’m so with you on Eric’s Tush (the capital T is intentional) :D AB must have read something in the books right, huh? ;) … I just went to look it up in Dead to the world. Sookie thinks “If there were an international butt competition, Eric would win, hands down – or cheeks up. He would get a large, large trophy.” Hear, hear. I wholeheartedly agree LOL ;) Give the guy a trophy. A large one. He can take it home and stash it next to that gold viking crown he stole from crazy king Edgington last season ;)

    Do you know? Now that I think about it… The bed with the furs and the snowflakes… It does remind me of something else in the books… Think hard and ye shall find LOL How about the Fangtasia hunky calendar, where Eric poses as Mr. January on a bed with a fur strategically placed to hide the crownjewels, and snowflakes in the background… Now that would be a sight for sore eyes ;)

    Oh, you were really in excellent form! Nearly all the captions underneath the pics had me cracking up! Especially the Jason ones were so great! I totally loved the superman one “Really wishing I had a cape, and some tights, right about now . . . “ and “Time out! Cut to commercial break!” You know, I think you are right: Jason has replaced jerking off with pushups! Not that I blame him… He’s probably gone off the odd hand job since season 1, where he had to do for an entire episode, so long he probably gave himself carpal tunnel and blisters! So now he just does one handed pushups in the air (which is so much easier) LOL It certainly explains his droolworthy Body (Yes, capital B again intentional)… all those naughty Jessica thoughts are definitely keeping him in shape ;)

    Sorry, I’m not even going to touch all those other story lines…

    I just want to say that the end made me incredibly sad :( Poor Eric Northman! Not only are you cheated out of your memory, your fashion sense, your gorgeously sexy wardrobe and your snarky comments (which I admittedly miss, no offense to Amnesia Eric but still…), now you’re also made to give up the one thing that made all of those things bearable, Sookie-Sex (in- or outdoors)… This vamp needs a hug :(

    And Sookie… Isn’t it a pity? You have all those vamps whose blood you’ve dutifully swallowed (along with other stuff, possibly, but we’re SO not going there as it’s totally irrelevant here LOL), and not a one of them gets to come to your rescue when you need it. You need a freaking st bernard (you know, the rescue dogs – well, wolfie version – sorry Alcide, I like to look at you, but you are so totally whipped!) to come and pick you up! Now Eric has a good excuse: being enslaved by the evil witch of the west can do that to you… and Bill has run in to the glowy contacts of course… Boy, what has happened to those all-powerful, crazy-ass vamps all of a sudden? Where’s Klaus when you need him?

    That being said, that was one great recap! You’re the best, Julie! :D

    • Awww, thanks Valerie! For what it’s worth, your comment had me cracking up too. :) Now you bring up a really good point, about the Sookie / Bill Shower Sex in Season 1. THAT scene, combined with the few seconds we got of Eric Northman’s ass in the shower, illustrate that Alan Ball is 100% capable of giving us a shower scene worthy of the books. After all, the cool thing about the shower scene in the books had LESS to do with the actual act of sex, and more to do with the SUPER HOT description of mutual body foreplay that was included therein. It would have been SO easy for the producers to throw us a bone here, while still sticking with whatever censorship rules where required in filming the scene.

      I kind of get the impresson that Alan Ball, in trashing the shower scene, is trying to make very clear that Sookie/ Amnesia Eric is more fantasy than reality, hence all the Narnia sex. And though there is some truth to that point, I feel like Book 4 made it pretty clear that Amnesia Eric was stil VERY much the same person as Memoried Eric was, he just had less baggage. So, when the book ended, I was left with the impression not that these two people COULDN’T be together in “real time” (I’m trying not to spoil here, for those reading this comment, who haven’t read the series ;)), but that they had the potential for an EXCELLENT relationship, if they could just get passed all the hang-ups, baggage, and insecurities, with which real life had burdened both of them.

      And the fact that Alan Ball has conveniently missed this interpretation, makes me a little mad at him.:( (I still like seeing Eric naked though, for half the season though . . . don’t get me wrong!)

      LOL, yes, I DO think Jason’s painful bout of priapism, combined with the werepanther gang bang, has influenced him to find “healthier” means of relieving sexual frustration. I also think the world would be a much hotter place, ifALL of us, male and female, exercised whenever we got . . . um . . . frustrated. :) You know, we could market this concept: The Jason Stackhouse Way of Life! ;) I think we are really on to something here . . . ;) (Now, if we could just get Alan Ball to give us some legal liberties with the character name. Damn! Now, I’m wishing I wasn’t so mean to him about the whole Shower Sex Scene. Talk about biting the hand that could make you a billionaire! :))

      And yes, for creatures at the top of the food chain, our vampires sure have been “playing” the Wolves versus Witches versus Vampires grudge match at more of a Junior Varsity, than Varsity Level. It’s TIME to straighten up, and fly right, FANGERS! Us humans are counting on you, to KICK ASS, and live up to your respective reputations! Because you KNOW Damon Salvatore and Klaus, would NEVER let Witchipoo get away with what she just did to Eric!

  8. I do not get why the vampires just didn’t GO OUT OF TOWN for the event! Why torture yourselves with silver?

    And as much as I was dying to see shower sex, I LOVED Sookie and Eric’s faces when they saw the narnia bed! Sookie: It’s snowing. Why is there a bed? Eric: Can we make love in it? Sookie: I may never stop. LMAO!!

    I’m really worried about Amnesia Eric too :( Why did Sookie have to go drag his godly butt into that mess??

    • Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting, Channelle! Great point. When King Cockblock evacuated Bon Temps, I always thought it would have made more sense for EVERYONE to leave, not just the “non-royals.” Even if Bill, himself, felt obligated to stay in town, he could have AT LEAST sent Jessica on an overnight camping trip to New Orleans. Now THAT’s just bad parenting! ;)

      LOL, and you are right, Eric’s and Sookie’s “Wow, they put a bed in the forest, just so WE could screw there, without getting pinecones up our butts again!” facial expressions were pretty classic. I applaud you for being able to appreciate the scene like a mature rational adult, whereas, I pouted and threw a temper tantrum, the minute they left the shower. :)

      And, yes, I totally blame Sookie for Amnesia Eric’s recent transformation into house-trained puppy dog / sex slave for Witchipoo. Talk about a couple of people who could used a nice romantic getaway! And Eric was MORE than willing to get out of town TOO! For shame, Sookeh! For shame!

  9. Ali

    you gorgeous bue-eyed perfect recapper… I felt so sorry when I saw the one-second-in-the-shower-two-days-in-narnia sex scene and though oh my… Jules must be throwing all sort of stuff at her TV…. Boo A.B.

    I loved the whole recap…. and the coments are also hilarious. So funny how must of the people apologize for not even considering other story lines besides Seric and Jassica… And when they do they are like kill Tara.. Shoot Trailer Trash Debbie… Priceless.

    The Hoyt thing.. I think they showed us the dream where Jess kills him just to prove if we can handle how much of an ass he was with her…Sorry but no… He lost any chivalry he had left. I still felt sooooo bad for Jess. Maybe the fact that I have a major crush on her helped a little.

    See u next week… I hope Eric bitts Witchipoo´s head off already :)

    • Awww, Ali, flattery will get you everywhere! *blushes*

      http://tvrecappersanonymous.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/blair-happy.gif

      (But then again, you probably knew that. ;))

      Yep, you called it. There is now a stiletto-heel-sized dent in my television that will forever be attributed to The Shower Sex that Wasn’t.

      And I think you hit the nail on the head. This season is ALL about Seric and Jasica. Almost everything else is just an annoying screentime eater, as far as most fans are concerned. But Tara and Trailer Trash Debbie make for great mutual villains for us disgruntled fans to direct all our non-Shower Sex frustrated anger toward. I mean, I’m pretty sure I hate TARA more than Witchipoo right now. At least the latter has a cool voice, and some funny one-liners. I’m TOTALLY with Pam. Bill’s cockblock of the Tara murder was LAME with a CAPITAL “L.” King Cockblock is definitely a murderer of fun!

      I hope Eric ends up being the one to kill Witchipoo, as well. He’s EARNED IT! That’s for sure. But before he does, he should really thank her for all the Woodland Creature, and Narnia Sex he got from Sookie as a result of her spell. Even Eric, with his six-hour Yvetta basements sex sessions, probably hasn’t gotten laid THIS much in a long time. (It helps that Sookie never seems to work at Merlotte’s anymore. Those two had NOTHING BUT FREE TIME!)

      Thanks again for your awesome comments and insights. I always adore talking Supernatural TV with you! :)

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