You know what I like best about Shower Sex? IT ACTUALLY OCCURS IN A SHOWER . . . not on the film set for the Chronicles of Narnia!
Sigh! Oh, True Blood! How you tease me with your wanton promises of Sexy Seric Shower Sex! How you made me wait patiently, week in, and week out, for some hot, soapy, bubbly, lathery lovely loving, only to give me something that was . . . well . . . NONE OF THOSE THINGS.
On a brighter note, I have a brief message I would like to pass along to Eric Northman’s Tushy, on behalf of all Fangbangers . . .
WE SALUTE YOU!
Let’s recap, shall we?
(By the way, special thanks to Skarsgardfans.com for the fabulous screencaps you see here.)
Vampire Jessica is Having a Very Bad Day . . . Mostly
“Oh Jason! You’ve saved my life! Please, let me reward you with a quick Floor F*&k in Daddy’s lobby.”
When we last saw Vampire Jessica, that Mean Ole Witchipoo was spelling her into wanting to meet the sun . . .
This week, it was JASON STACKHOUSE TO THE RESCUE!
“Really wishing I had a cape, and some tights, right about now . . . “
Like a TOTAL BOSS, he tackles Jessica to the ground (Kinky!), and slams the door to Bill’s big fancy mansion WITH HIS FOOT, so Jessica can’t get out. While, still under the influence of the spell, Jessica flips Jason on his back (More kinky!), and starts attacking him . . .
Hey! She kind of looks like she’s playing air guitar, in this picture!
But then the spell inexplicably stops, and Jessica’s thinking, “WOAH! Weirdest Sex Dream EVER
almost as bad as Sookie’s and Eric’s Winter Wondersex!”
She looks down at her hero (who she is oh-so-conveniently straddling at the moment). Adorable Jason is looking up at Jessica with these big lovey dovey puppy dog eyes, despite the fact that she pretty muh looks like sh*t, right now AND was, just a few minutes ago, trying to EAT HIS FACE OFF!
“I love you . . . you Crazy Sunburned B*tch!”
And she’s so overcome with passion for him,
not to mention, she can feel his massive hard-on poking through her jeans that she plants a big sloppy wet one right on his mouth . . . After it happens, she pulls away, in shock over what she has done.
“Oh gosh . . . I must have the worst morning breath. I’m so ashamed!”
But Jessica needn’t be upset. After all, this is Jason we are talking about! Former manwhore Jason. And he loooooooooooooves Jessica. In fact, he’s so horny for the girl, right now, that he sits up, and pulls her in for another kiss . . .a REAL ONE, this time! There won’t be any chalking up of this kiss to “The Excitement of the Moment,” no sir!
Things are getting REALLY GOOD! So, of course, you can count on King Cockblock to screw them up. “
SOOOOOOKEHHHHHH JESSSSICAAAAAAA!” He whines . . . like a b*tch.
“No one gets lucky on my watch . . . NO ONE! Not even JASON STACKHOUSE, the guy who was gang-banged by werepanthers!”
Jason carries Jessica down the steps to King Cockblock’s hidey hole. And it’s pretty darn adorable
though Floor Sex would have been much more adorable. Don’t you think?. Beeeelll thanks Jason for having to save Jessica’s life, because her own maker was too big of a weenie to put the right amount of silver on her. He then tells Jason that Jessica is going to need to stay in bed, and under silver, for the rest of the day, just in case Witchipoo decides to star in Evil Vampire Spell 2: Electric Boogaloo. Jessica agrees, because now that she has a solid sex partner, she REAAAAAALLLLLY wants to live!
Jason puts the RIGHT amount of silver on Jessica, while he tries to come up with “happy thoughts” for her to think about, so that she won’t focus on the pain. “Hot summer days . . . barbecues . . .” He begins.
Though Jessica is too in love with Jason’s face to notice how unintentionally inappropriate he’s being, Jason eventually recognizes his mistake, and changes his “happy thoughts” to things that Vampire Jessica might actually like such as Jason’s ENORMOUS COCK: the moon, never being cold, and Tru Blood . . . (Awww, Jason! No vampire actually LIKES Tru Blood. You should know that by now!)
The pair looks like they are going to make out right there on that coffin bed. So, of course, you can count on cockblock Bill to chime in again, and interrupt. He reminds Jason to not rat out Jessica for eating one of his guards.
Don’t worry, Jess! Bucky’s not dead. He’s just taking a nap . . . in his own blood.
Jason says, more or less, “Cool, no problem. I won’t tell on Jess for eating ‘Bucky,’ if you won’t tell on me for shooting the Extra you had stationed outside.”
Jason and King Cockblock have themselves a deal. They’d probably even shake on it, if Bill wasn’t chained to his bed with silver . . . oh well!
The next time we see Jessica it’s “nighttime.” She arrives home to an unwashed Hoyt, and tells him it’s over between them . . .
He does NOT take it well . . . We watch him cry and blubber, beg Jessica to take him back, and offer to drink her blood everyday. Then THIS happens . . .
OH MY GOD! You just killed Hoyt, you bastar . . . I mean . . . b*tch!
Then Jessica runs outside with a big honking smile on her bloody face, and finds Jason waiting in his car, ready to give her the best de-virginization of her life. And the fact that she doesn’t seem upset AT ALL about just murdering her first love, makes me think, “WOW! Jessica Hamby is one SICK PUPPY!”
It’s still pretty hot though . . .
Then Jessica wakes up in her little silver coffin bed. And we realize it was nothing but a bad dream
. DARN! PHEW! What a relief!
But then nighttime comes AGAIN. And AGAIN, Jessica goes to the house she shares with Hoyt, to dump his adorable naive butt. And AGAIN he doesn’t take it well . . . But this time, it’s a little bit . . . different.
“I KNOW you killed me in your dream! You . . . DREAM MURDERER!”
In Jessica’s dream, Hoyt was a pathetic sniveling mess, when she dumped him. In real life, he is hurt . . . defensive . . . and, as a result, very MEAN. He hits Jessica in all her sore spots: her perpetual virginity, her lack of . . . life, and her former religious roots.
“OH NO, YOU DI-N’T!”
Though Jessica claims that she is dumping Hoyt, because she doesn’t believe vampires are meant to be monogamous, Hoyt is no dummy. He knows Jessica has been distant for some time, and suspects that another man is the reason. And it is . . . partly.
But there’s another part of Jessica, who just wants to embrace her vampire identity. And she feels she can’t do that while playing house with Hoyt. This is why, in her dream, Jason said things to her like, “I love when your face is all covered with blood. I want you to f*ck me and bite me at the same time.” Dream Jason loves the vampire side of Jessica, in a way that Real Life Hoyt doesn’t, necessarily.
“Maybe God really does hate fangers. And so do I!” Hoyt exclaims, as he rescinds poor Jessica’s invitation to his house, and proceeds to throw furniture around to assert his manhood.
It’s pretty heartbreaking, actually . . .
But if Jess thinks she’s going to get comfort from Mr, Sexypants, himself, Jason Stackhouse, she’s got another thing coming! Because Jason is nothing, if not loyal. And he’s also a firm adherent to the Bro Code. So, when he hears that Jessica dumped his best friend, though he’s clearly affected by the pain she’s in, he’s petrified of the notion that she might have done it for HIM.
“Time out! Cut to commercial break!”
It just goes to show how much Jason has grown up, over the past few seasons, that he is able to restrain himself from jumping on Jess, out of allegiance to Hoyt, despite the fact that it’s OBVIOUSLY what he wants to do. (Remember Season 2, when Jason boned that crazy preacher guy’s wife? Good times!) Jessica on the other hand, is still young, inexperienced, and impulsive. In short, she is the female version of who Jason used to be . . .
That being said, it was still SUPER sad, when Jason rescinded Jessica’s invitation to HIS house too. I mean, how much heartache is a girl expected to endure in a single hour?
Man, he looks good in that tight tank top! Just so you know, Jason. I’m NOT dating Hoyt
. So, you can totally have sex with me.
That’s right, Jess. And he probably would have done a whole lot more to you, if King Cockblock didn’t intervene. Who knew King Cockblock was on Team Hoyt?
After Jessica “leaves,” Jason starts incessantly doing pushups, which, oddly enough, I’m starting to think is his way of jerking off . . . weird.
But don’t worry Team Jassica fans! I suspect this little love triangle is FAR from over! Alan Ball would NEVER let so much sexual chemistry go to waste
except when it comes to the SHOWER SCENE! WHY, OH WHY did you screw up the shower scene?
Meanwhile, back in Sookieville . . .
Neck Biting: Good! / Snow Hallucinations: BAAAAAAAAD!
“Don’t take this the wrong way, but would you mind terribly taking off that ugly flannel you’re wearing. It’s distracting me from my wonderful Neck Bite Orgasm.”
Back at Amnesia Eric’s Hidey Hole, Sookie rips off the Viking Vamp’s silver chains, only to find that he is not healing, as fast as he should be. It turns out that Amnesia Eric has been WAY too busy having woodland creature sex to think about feeding. In fact, the last thing he ate, was THIS . . .
So, Sookie offers up herself as breakfast, holding on to silver for dear life, as the Viking Vampire gives her the Biggest Hickey Ever! When he’s done SUCKING, he bites his own hand, and offers it to Sookie to drink, so that they can “become one” or whatever . . .
“I do hope you washed that first! I mean, lord knows where it’s been . . . Oh wait, I know EXACTLY where it’s been.”
Talk about biting the hand that feeds you!
Rub-a-dub-Dub! It’s time for the SHOWER SCENE!
Everything is going great, until Sookie turns on the showerhead, and SNOWBALLS come out . . .
Honey, this would be a really good time to call your plumber!
After that, things went downhill fast . . . with Amnesia Eric and Sookie sharing V / Fairy blood induced Narnia hallucinations . . .
“Is that a snowball in my ass, or are you just happy to see me?”
Then, Bibbity, Bobbity Boo, all those snowballs magically turn into a fur bed. And I suddenly know what Cinderella would look like as a porno flick . . .
Do you REALLY want to help, Fairy Godmother? Than PUT THEM BACK IN THE SHOWER, WHERE THEY BELONG!
While the sex fiends are coming down from their mutual high in a decidedly NON-snowball covered bed, Amnesia Eric asks Sookie to run away with her.
But Sookie tells him that they can’t run away, because it is their duty to help BEEEEEEEEL fight Witchipoo. After all, Viking Vamp is a “warrior” and stuff . . . and . . .
WAIT! NO! You two have NO obligation to fight for Beeel, at all! Stay HOME, for Heaven sakes! Have more Narnia Sex! Anything but THIS! In fact, what happens at the end of the episode to Amnesia Eric is YOUR fault Sookeh for making him “fight like a man” . . . or should I say . . . a vamp! See? This is what happens when you avoid the shower!
Just so you know, Sookie. You and I are in a fight, right now.
So, Sookie and Amnesia Eric visit King Cockblock, dressed like an old frumpy farming couple from East Deliverance, U.S.A. . . .
What not to wear when going on a witch hunt . . .
The pair tell Beel that they want to fight on his behalf, because Beel is Eric’s liege, and Sookie’s um . . . Bill. King Cockblock doesn’t think Sookie can be of any help . . . her being . . . you know . . . a girl, and all. But Sookie reminds him that she has The Glow Fingers. And, suddenly, all is right in the world . . . until the end of the episode, of course . . . when it isn’t.
Speaking of people who’d like to f*&k Sookie . . .
Leader of the Pack . . . But Still Whipped . . .
“Hi Greasipoo, meet my girlfriend, Sookie . . . er . . . I mean Trailer Trash Debbie.”
For someone who “isn’t into the whole pack thing,” Alcide sure seems to be fitting in quite well. First, he helps break up a fight, among warring pack members. Then, he showers Greasipoo with compliments about his decision to keep the pack out of the supernatural in-fighting between the vampires and the witches. Greasipoo tells Alcide that he has “a little Alpha in him” and Trailer Trash Debbie agrees . . .
I’d like him to put a little Alpha in me!
Greasipoo informs the Studly Alcide that he can move up in the pack, if he plays his cards right. But Alcide doesn’t seem all that interested in such political crap. Cue Trailer Trash Debbie, and her broken record complaints that Alcide spends too much time with Sookie, and that she
is probably better in bed than I am is a TOTAL SLUT bad influence, since she sleeps with all those vampires. Alcide, reluctantly, promises to stay away from Sookie. And, to his credit, he keeps that promise for an ENTIRE TWENTY MINUTES!
Sorry Debbie! You’re just not fairy enough for Alcide.
Meanwhile, over in that
it’s becoming really annoying Not-so-Evil Baby Storyline . . .
What Big Freaky Ass Eyes You Have, Ghost Mom!
Awww! Evil Baby and Evil Baby Doll have matching outfits. How cute!
So, we finally know what’s up with this weird baby storyline. Apparently, the ghost haunting Evil Baby Mikey is not Rene’s at all. Rather, he belongs to THIS CHICK . . .
Creepiest EYES EVER!
Apparently, as we learn from flashbacks, Creepy Ghost Mom had sex with some married white dude, back in the day, and gave birth to a child, that he . . . I think . . . killed, so his wife wouldn’t know he was cheating. The white dude lived in what is now Hoyt’s house. And Creepy Ghost Mom had brought Ugly Doll originally as a gift for her dead kid.
Don’t hate me because I haunt innocent people, and have really bad taste in toys
. Hate me, because I have scary eyes.
Somehow, Creepy Ghost Mom believes that Evil Baby Mikey is the reincarnated version of her lost child, because he just so happens to enjoy playing with the Ugly Doll. So, Creepy Ghost Mom does what any mother would do in a situation like this: She POSSESSES LAFAYETTE’S BODY!
That night, while everyone is sleeping at the Bellefleur mansion, Possessed Lala saunters right into the house, like he owns the place, tip toes upstairs, and snatches Evil Baby. What she/he plans to do with it now, is anybody guess. However I suspect it involves torturing the poor kid with those annoying ass songs Creepy Ghost Mom always sings . . .
“Get me out of this sh*t storyline, Hooker!”
In other boring news . . .
Cat Barbie Still Doesn’t Like Sam (and neither does Greasipoo) . . .
“I dated a Cat Barbie once, back when I shapeshifted into a Ken Doll. She was very pretty, but kind of wooden in the sack, if you catch my drift.”
Here we go again, folks! Once again, Sam is at Luna’s house, with his proverbial tail between his legs. It was good that he came in person, because I don’t think they make an e-card yet for: ”I’m sorry my Skinwalker Teenage Brother pretended to be me, and had unsatisfying sex with you.” Sam tries very hard to get back into Luna’s panties, by telling her, that he thinks that what Tommy did to Luna was worse than what he did to his parents. (Really Sam? Because, last I checked, Bad Sex couldn’t KILL YOU!)
“So, what’s a little white lie, if it helps get you laid?”
Sam wins decidedly more points, by playing Barbies with the kid, while Luna cooks dinner. But then Greasipoo interrupts dinner. And he’s SUPER PISSED about Sam’s unexpected presence. Surprise, surprise! The ”jealous boyfriend” / father of her kid Luna was referring to, is actually Marcus Greasioo, a.k.a Shreveport Werewolf Packmaster.
“I’ve even got an evil villain beard!”
Sam tries to make peace with Greasipoo, but the dude is clearly not having it. “You just pissed on the wrong boots, my friend,” he says threateningly.
I don’t know. I don’t think Greasipoo isn’t giving Samipoo enough credit. It’s not easy to piss on someone else’s boots. For starters, it requires excellent aim . . .
Speaking of people who piss on your boots . . .
Tommy Boy Strikes Again!
This week, Tommy impersonates his once-surrogate Mommy, Maxine (He stole her clothing and makeup from her house the night before), in order to get his hands on the oil money to which he had learned she was entitled, a few weeks back. Unfortunately, for him, the payoff ends up being not nearly as much as he expected. But the day is not a total loss! After all, Tommy Boy still gets the chance to wear awful makeup, do his hair really weird, and order the food Sam hides for himself in the back of the bar “because he is selfish.” Just another day in the life of a Skinwalker/ Transvestite!
Lookin’ good, Tommy/Maxine!
I actually think that Tommy Merlotte, would make for a pretty hot chick, don’t you?
In completely unrelated news, that curler-wearing vampire from last week is dead . . . er . . . deader. (R.I.P.) So, of course, V-addicted Andy almost licks her off the floor.
Come on, Andy! Have a little class! At least use a fork!
And finally, the storyline you’ve all been waiting for . . .
“Sit, Viking Vamp. Good dog! Now beg
for shower sex.”
Poor Eric Northman! Why must they continue to emasculate you on this show?
Penis size envy, perhaps? For a while there, things were looking really good for you. You were ripping throats out, and taking names. I thought you were finally coming back to yourself. Then, THIS happened, and well . . . yuck!
It all starts when King Cockblock compelled a reporter (Selah Pumphrey . . . readers of the book series should remember the name) to allow him to monopolize the airwaves to give out a Pro Vampire PR message, in light of Curler-Wearing Vampire’s death . . .
Witchipoo honestly cracks me up, with her frantic inability to turn off the television to get Vampire Bill’s annoying face off her screen. (I feel your pain, Witchipoo!) This was a clever touch on the writers’ part, as it’s easy to forget that “Antonia” hasn’t been around for a LONG time, and has probably never seen a television in her entire life.
Tara is hanging out with Witchipoo. For about two seconds, she pretends she didn’t know that the purpose of their little witchy spell that morning was to KILL ALL THE VAMPIRES, and feigns outrage over how AWFUL that is. Then, Tara gets bored of pretending to be a decent human being, and goes right back to being her sniveling, whining, selfish, murderous self . . .
“Hey, Witchipoo! You’ve got the wrong idea about me. I never said I wanted the vampire to all die! I just don’t want them to be on this Earth anymore. You know, so you should like ship them all to Uranus, or something. . . “
Witchipoo is SEETHING over the fact that her little spell only killed that Curler-Wearing vampire! But she manages to maintain her cool, when a slick and slimy King Cockblock calls her on the phone to arrange a meeting.
“So, Witchipoo, what are you wearing!”
Witchipoo is hesitant to meet with King Cockblock, at first. But then he blows so much smoke up her ass that she nearly floats out of the room. And so the pair agree to meet alone at the cemetery at midnight. Of course, when the meeting time arrives, neither party is exactly alone.
I love when Sookie and Tara look at one another from across the cemetery, and realize they are on opposite sides of this battle. It’s a total “Et Tu B*tchay?” moment! King Cockblock promises Witchipoo that the vampires will leave her alone, if she takes her evil spells off of Eric and Pam. But since Eric and Pam were some of the many vampires who actually HARMED Witchipoo . . . or rather, “Marnie,” she’s not having it.
But then, Witchipoo starts chanting again. And Eric does THIS . . .
. . . which is a decidedly NON-Amnesia Eric thing to do. So, maybe she despelled him, after all . . . for now.
Eric’s throat grabber is like the starter gun that begins the race. And all of the sudden, vampires are kicking witches ASSES, left and right. Sookie even eliminates a few coven losers with her magic fairy fingers. (You GLOW, girl!)
“Damn! I could really use a manicure! My nailbeds are shot to hell!”
Then, the moment we’ve all been waiting for arrives. Pam corners Tara, and prepares to break her neck . . . ONCE AND FOR ALL!
”Go Pam! It’s your birthday! Gonna murder Tara, like it’s your birthday! Gonna rip her throat out, like it’s your birthday.”
But then, who should come and screw it all up? But KING COCKBLOCK, who COMMANDS Pam to spare TARA!
I CONCUR, PAM! King Cockblock ruins EVERYTHING!
Then someone SHOOTS SOOKIE!
And if you think she actually dies, I have a bridge to sell you in Brooklyn for five cents . . .
Suddenly, all the men in Sookie’s life stop short in their tracks, because . . . you know . . . EVERYBODY LOVE SOOKEEHHHH!
Witchipoo uses this crucial, “Not without my Soookeeeeh” moment, to try on some new colored contacts . . .
. . . and put YET ANOTHER spell on Eric Northman. This one seems to make him her (sex?) slave. (Well, hey, at least SOMEONE’S going to get shower sex!)
Meanwhile, it’s actually ALCIDE, who rescues Sookie from her once-a-season near death experience . . . lifting her up and out of the frey, in those big burly arms of his . . .
“Man, this is the biggest doggie treat I have ever seen!”
Of course, where there is an Alcide, there is a Trailer Trash Debbie stalking nearby. And she is NOT a happy camper. So, much for that “stay away from Sookie” promise. Right Alcide?
“Apparently, while in her wolf form, Trailer Trash Debbie is capable of curling her hair, and putting on makeup. Talk about Stupid Pet Tricks.”
So, just to review: the episode ends with Formerly Amnesia / Now Sex Slave Eric, getting a head rub from Witchipoo; Sookie being carried off the premises by the Big Bad Wolf; Trailer Trash Debbie rethinking her 80′s hair; and Tara still alive . . .
In short, NO ONE is happy . . . and life sucks. Did I mention they forgot to include the Shower Sex?
Oh well . . . better luck next week, Sookehhhh. If you live that long . . .
Tata for now, Fangbangers!