Greeting, my Pretties! This week on PLL, we got a deeper glimpse into “Vivian Darkbloom’s” past. In other news, Blind Jenna got a wicked eye patch, Fitzy got a bit testy with the parental units, and Facelift Vampire Jason’s home underwent some “explosive” renovations. Oh, and don’t even get me started on Spencer and all the awesome eye sex she got to have this week. It’s a good thing retinas can’t get pregnant . . .
They can’t . . . I promise!
So, hop into that rickety plane with a complete stranger, and hold on to your music box, because it’s time for another Pretty Little Recap . . .
(Screencaps provided by prettylittleliarsfans.com)
Well, THAT was awk-ward . . .
So, remember that cute little cupcake shop, where “A” COMPLETELY BRUTALIZED Hanna, by forcing her to eat a vomit-inducing amount of little piggy-shaped cupcakes, in front of a crowd of judgmental jocks? Well, apparently, Hanna was not quite as traumatized by that moment as I would be.
(Let’s not forget, this is a girl who’s already been HIT BY A CAR, ARRESTED AS A SUSPECT IN HER “BEST” FRIEND’S MURDER, and almost DROWNED IN A LAKE. It’s entirely understandable that our ideas regarding what’s considered “traumatizing” would differ.) After all, the episode opens with Hanna enjoying a CUPCAKE (not pig-shaped) with her fellow little liars at that very same sweets shop.
As the girls pretend to eat cupcakes, and chat, we learn a bit more about the Anonymous Hot Guy who mistook Aria for “Vivian Darkbloom” at the end of last week’s episode. It turns out, his name is “Duncan.” He has a last name, but since I wasn’t paying attention when it was referenced, I’m just going to call him Duncan Donuts, OK?
“You can trust me, because I dress like I’m 75.”
So, apparently, Duncan Donuts and Vivian Darkbloom were REALLY close . . . as in close enough to go on numerous secret dates in a town nearby . . . and close enough for him to buy her a not particularly cheap red jacket . . . but not close enough for him to CALL HER ON THE PHONE, AFTER NOT HAVING HEARD FROM HER FOR OVER A YEAR . . . and certainly not close enough for him to READ THE LOCAL PAPERS, SEE HER PICTURE ON THE FRONT PAGE, AND FIND OUT SHE’S A CORPSE.
Aria thinks she should give Duncan Donuts a call,
basically because her contract requires her to have a boyfriend-type figure in every episode. And Fitzy and Holden won’t be sharing scenes with her, this week . . . From experience, every PLL girl already knows that meeting Strange Men – who may or may not have had sexual relations with Dead Ali in the past — while alone, is a bad idea.
However, they wholeheartedly support Aria in her stupidity. That’s what friends are for, right?
Oh, hey, look who’s back in town? It’s Abs Toby and Blind Jenna . . . correction, it’s Abs Toby and Half-Blind, Eyepatch Jenna. That’s right, my Pretties! As we’ve long been promised, Jenna finally had her groundbreaking,” blind-no-more” surgery . . . in one eye . . . which hasn’t healed yet. Yep, they are really going to drag this plotline out for as long as possible. aren’t they?
“At least I will save money on my pirate costume, this Halloween!”
Truthfully though, we are less concerned with the return of Half-Blind, Eyepatch Jenna, than we are of the return of Spencer’s ex-boyfriend with the HOT haircut, and the ice COLD chip on his shoulder. Cue the Spencer Face . . . the longing looks (on Spencer’s part), and the glares (on Toby’s part) to the tune of . . . Intense Mood Music, and Slo-Mo Walking.
Also, notice how Abs Toby is no longer treating Half-Blind, Eyepatch Jenna like the brother-raping, police boy banging, little-liar framing, ninety pounds of pure evil she actually is! He actually seems to NOT MIND hanging out with her, as evidenced by the way he keeps . . . you know . . . touching her and stuff. Did they give you a lobotomy with that haircut, Tobster?
Spencer runs into Abs Toby again later at school. And she’s all, “What’s the deal with your Creepy Sister and her fugly eyepatch?”
So, Toby’s all, “She finally had the operation. What’s it to you, you Maneating B*tch?
I miss you! I love you. Why did you start humping that hot British doctor, when I would have let you be part of my Abs Toby Sandwich?
So Spencer says, “Let’s get back together. Mm-kay? Because Emily was totally kidding about me banging the British guy.
I didn’t do that until we were ‘on a break.’ ‘A’ still might end up murdering in your sleep, because you’re dating me. But that’s just the price of True Love, right?”
But Toby’s all, “Ya snooze ya, lose, Ho!
I LOVE YOU SPENCER! KISS ME, YOU FUNNY-FACING MAKING BUNDLE OF LOVE!“
Then Half-Blind Jenna emerges from the Principal’s office, and creepily tells Spencer, she KNEW she was standing in front of her, despite Spencer not having uttered a word, since Half-Blind Jenna’s appearance. This means Half-Blind Blind Jenna knows her Pretty Little Liars so well, that she can smell them, when they are close by. Yeah . . . because that’s not creepy, at all . . .
“Stop sniffing my ex-girlfriend. That’s MY job!”
Missed Calls and Mixed Messages . . .
Back at the Marin household, Hanna and her mom are in a fight. It turns out that Mama Marin won’t buy Hanna a new phone to replace the one she DROPPED IN THE SOAPY SINK, last week, in order to prevent Mama Marin from confiscating it.
As much as I adore my Hanna, you have to admit, this was a pretty ballsy request on Hanna’s part . . . I mean, sure, we all know that Hanna only destroyed the phone to prevent her mother from discovering A’s identity, thereby, putting herself in danger. But she has to see that, from her mom’s perspective, the whole “phone drowning” thing, came off as a very deliberate and highly personal “F-U Mommy.”
Besides, Mama Marin worked hard to steal that money from the Old Dying Lady! She can’t be going off spending it, wily nily, on electronics, every time Hanna decides to drown them, or throw them in a blender!
Part of me thinks it would have been REALLY funny, if Hanna got one of those prepaid phones mailed to her by “A,” with a message like, “Try not to get this one wet, or make it into a smoothie.”
However, considering it was Mona, who ended up providing Hanna with a replacement phone, and many people think SHE’S “A,” perhaps my scenario is precisely what happened. More and more, we are seeing Mona get involved in the PLL girls’ dealings with “A” in ways that help the mysterious evildoer complete her master plan. In this case, obviously “A” wants Hanna to have a phone, so that she can continue to taunt her with text messages . . . like the one the girls received later on in the episode: “Where there’s smoke, there’s payback.”
But here’s a question for you? Assuming the cell phone Hanna received from Mona was on Mona’s account (which Mona explains to us that it is), how did “A” manage to snag Hanna’s new number, if not from Mona herself? (Assuming Mona and “A” are two different people, of course.) Unless, Mona somehow transferred Hanna’s old number to Mona’s account, in which case, I take back everything I just said . . .
Speaking of anonymous, and not-so-anonymous communications, “Maya” has been secretly contacting Emily, with text messages saying she is “OK,” and sweet, exceptionally well-written e-mails, about their great times together and “perfect goodbyes.” Emily is touched that Maya is reaching out to her, but torn as to whether she should clue Maya’s parents in to her possible whereabouts. In the end, she decides to confront the St. Germaines with the information she has received.
The question is . . . did Emily jump the gun? After all, Maya’s messages (particularly the e-mail) certainly SOUNDED like they were from Maya. But what if they weren’t? After all, both messages were sent from an “undisclosed sender.” Is it possible that “A” has been sending these messages, on Maya’s behalf, to keep her off the trail of a girlfriend in danger? Only time will tell . . .
Crash Fly with Me!
Duncan Donut has two
dates meetings with Aria, in this episode. The first one is normal. The second one is ridiculous. First Duncan Donut meets Aria in the school courtyard, where he admits that he knows that Vivian Darkbloom was just an alias for Ali. (No mention as to whether he believed that big ole black wig was actually her real hair.)
He also seems to know a heck of a lot about Ali / Vivian’s friends, including Aria . . . “the writer . . . who keeps journals.” Interesting . . . because the only time I’ve ever heard Aria even talk about writing was in the pilot episode . . . right before she humped Fitzy in the bathroom. I thought the whole “writing thing” was just a pickup line. Go figure!
Talk about being the bearer of bad news! Aria then has to tell Duncan Donuts that Vivian/Ali is . . . you know . . . not-so-much alive, anymore. Check out Duncan Donut’s face in this scene. He’s clearly shocked . . . and totally crushed by the news . . . either that, or he’s a really great actor. P.S. He claims to have been with Ali / Vivian the weekend she supposedly disappeared . . .
Having had so much fun on her first date with Duncan Donut, Aria decides to set up a second one with him, this time in a totally secluded area in a town called Brookhaven. Be careful Aria. Your best frenemy hung out with this guy, and then DIED. Does that make him a killer? Not necessarily. Does that make him REALLY bad luck? Absolutely . . .
So, you know those comedy sketches that take place in front of green screens, where it’s supposed to look like the television character is doing something CRAZY, like water skiing on Niagara Falls, or climbing the alps, or hanging off the top of Mount Rushmore. But actually, they are basically just standing in front of a piece of paper with a picture on it. Well, those all look WAY more realistic than the image of Aria and Duncan Donut flying a plane together on their date / mutual interrogation session.
Why does Aria get into a plane with this Admittedly-Hot, but not particularly stable-seeming loon, you ask? It beats the hell out of me. Supposedly, this was something Ali/ Vivian just loooooooved to do. According to Duncan, flying with him (he has a license, she didn’t), made her feel free from all the little people on the ground, who were trying to kill her. You know, because death-by-plane crash is much more pleasant than death-by-shovel-repeatedly-bashed-into-brain. (So much for that dream!)
Throughout the entire experience, Aria basically looks like she is about to pee in her pants. So, of course, this gives Duncan Donut the brilliant idea to FORCE her to takeover the controls, despite her complete lack of experience flying planes, under the ridiculous rationalization that this will help her “understand” Ali. (If you mean because they will both be dead, by the time they have finished with you, then, yes, this is a brilliant idea, Duncan Donuts.)
It certainly doesn’t help matters that Duncan is sporting a serious case of the Crazy Eyes throughout the entire scene. I’ll be honest, this made me miss a lot of what the pair were talking about, because I was so busy screaming at my television, “Don’t kill Aria, before she gets to have that sex scene. Ezria fans will FREAK!”
Nonetheless, here’s what I got out of this lovely near-death-by-green-screen conversation:
(1) Duncan Donut would have loved to have intimately explored Vivian’s “dark bloom” (if you catch my drift), before she died. However, he suspected that there were other men out there, who were beating him to the punch.
(2) Aria admits to Duncan Donut that she thinks the police and the newspapers are wrong regarding Ali’s murder. Creepy Pedo Ian didn’t kill Ali. He was either framed, or willingly took the fall for someone else, before he died.
(3) Duncan Donut notes that on the weekend prior to Ali’s disappearence, he flew her to Philadelphia from Brookhaven, which means she had been back in town for hours, by the time she met up with the girls. (What was she doing in Rosewood, during all those missing hours?)
(4) Duncan observed that Ali seemed “different” the last time he saw her. He assumed this was because she had “just figured something out.” However, the proponents of the “Ali has a twin” theory, could easily surmise that “Ali” seemed different, because she was actually a different person, than the one with whom Duncan had developed a relationship.
Oh yeah, and he and Aria didn’t end up dying in a plane crash. So, yay for hot people surviving the danger of their own idiocy . . .
Speaking of men who want to put their hands all over Aria’s “controls” . . .
Fitzy Must REALLY Like that Couch . . .
Fitzy, you little lazy scamp, you . . . why do you always seem to be laying on that couch of yours? Aren’t you afraid of falling asleep and missing your classes? Do you actually teach any classes? Or do they just pay you to sit on that couch and pretend to grade papers?
After “Who’s A?” and “Who killed Ali?” this is the third biggest mystery of PLL. Fitzy is an enigma wrapped in plaid, wrapped in a nerdy sweater vest, wrapped in Aria’s arms . . . He also seemed to grow a pair this week, when he was visited by not one, but BOTH elder Montgomery’s.
How did he grow a pair, you ask? Well, he basically told them both where to stick it, in terms of their attempts to control his career / relationship with their daughter. (Well, on second thought, he was a bit more polite to one than the other . . . bet you can’t guess which one . . .)
Oh, one more thing about Fitzy, before I recap the conversations he had with Aria’s parents . . . he can be a little . . . how do I put this kindly . . . intense . . . when he’s feeling disrespected. We saw this for the first time, during his “don’t wake a sleepwalker” speech to that scheming harlot, Jackie.
We saw it again tonight. Now I’m not SAYING Fitzy is “A.” (For one thing, he lacks a comprehensive motive . . . so far.) However, I will say that those of you who subscribe to that theory, got a lot of juice out of his scenes in this episode . . .
First up was Mama Montgomery, who also, seems to rarely teach, as she just decided to hop on over to Hollis college smack in the middle of the day to give Fitzy a piece of her mind. “I’m not an ally,” insists Mama Montgomery to the Perpetual Couch Dweller. “I don’t have an opinion on [the job offer my husband is using to manipulate you to leave town].” She adds.
“It matters what you think of me,” Fitzy replies stoically. (Well, that was a nice thing to say, under the circumstances . . . I guess.)
And yet, lest you think this conversation is a total waste of time (which I’ll admit I did, initially), before leaving, Mama Montgomery lays her cards on the table, regarding why she REALLY made this long journey to Fitzy’s office in the middle of the day. I’ll give you a hint: it starts with the letter “A.”
Apparently, Mama Montgomery is still very much hot on the trail of the “A” who (1) initially informed her about her husband’s affair; (2) clued in Byron to the continuing nature of the Ezria relationship; and (3) may or may not be torturing Aria and her friends on a fairly consistent basis. So, she turns to Fitzy for clues, hoping that, perhaps, one of Aria’s Deep Dark Secrets will help yield another.
Fitzy’s words are brilliantly filled with alternative meanings, and double entendres, depending on whether you view him as an “A” suspect or not. For those of you who view Fitzy as 100% innocent in the torture of Aria and her friends, his statements, “I would never intentionally hurt Aria,” and, “there was someone who would want to hurt [me], but not any more” seem perfectly honest and straightforward. The first statement, simply refers to his complete and unabiding love for Aria, and the second refers to Jackie, the one person, aside from “A,” Aria’s parents, and, of course, Bushy Eyebrows Noel, who ever sought to ruin the Ezria relationship.
And yet, those who think Fitzy might be “A” see the statements in an entirely different light. Assuming for a second that Fitzy was “A,” his statement regarding how he would never “intentionally hurt Aria,” seems to dovetail directly with fans “concerns” regarding the fact that, of all the liars, “A” goes the absolute easiest on Aria. As for Fitzy’s statement about someone wanting to hurt him and Aria, but “not anymore,” well, one might surmise that he was referring to Ali, herself . . .
Just a suggestion . . .
While Fitzy’s meeting with Mama Montgomery was all mixed meanings, and double entendres, his conversation with Papa Montgomery gives off a much clearer message. And that message is: ‘I hate your guts . . . BASTARD.”
*insert growling noise*
Whatever your feelings are regarding Ezria, you have to admit that this scene was just incredibly fun to watch. Initially, the two grown men are icy, yet cordial, to one another. Fitzy informs Byron he’s not going to take the job in New Orleans, and Byron says he’s “sorry to hear that.” But that’s when the gloves really come off.
Fitzy tells Byron that the reason he’s not taking the job in Mardi Gras town is that he doesn’t want Papa Montgomery to have that kind of “power” over him. There was also some smack talk flying back and forth about which man had the bigger “ego.”
In other words, Classic Male Pissing Contest. It was awesome. Fitzy’s been running scared from the Montgomery’s for such a long time now. It’s nice to see him finally taking charge of his own life
even if he does end up being “A.” Oh, and, after it was all over, he called Aria, and told her he loved her, thus proving that Classic Male Pissing Contests are exceptionally good for the libido . . .
“I wanna whack her like a pinata!”
Oh, Mona! I used to find you insanely annoying. But now I kind of adore your smart mouth, and warped sense of loyalty. You are like the female version of the comedically- inclined hitman character on one of those mob shows. (So, I really hope you don’t end up being “A.”
like you were in the books.)
Anywhoo, the PLL girls have plenty of good reasons why they want Abs Toby to stay away from Half-Blind, Eyepatch Jenna. For one thing, that’s SPENCER’S man, dammit
though, I still prefer Wren. For another, Half-Blind is a fairly awful human being, who never really forgave the girls for their part in her blinding, and has more than once framed them for some Very Bad Things. For a third, she’s just CREEPY. And has been known to do things like rub Toby’s leg, while saying that she “wants to surround herself with things she love, and you [MY BROTHER WHO I LIKE TO SCREW] will be there too.
“Get your paws off me, pirate!’
(By the way, where the heck are Half-Blind Jenna’s and Toby’s parents, during all this? Did Half-Blind Jenna eat them?)
To be honest, I’m not quite sure why MONA hates Half-Blind Jenna (assuming she’s not “A,” of course). But whatever the reason, she’s REALLY quick to offer a helping hand in getting Hanna some alone time with the Tobster, for anti-Jenna reasons. (She’s also really quick to offer to basically BEAT HER TO DEATH, but that’s neither here nor there.)
“If you show me your abs, I’ll give you this car.”
Mona get Toby alone by
offering a threesome with her and Half-Blind Jenna claiming to have some random “car question” for him. But once she’s got him cornered, she’s out like a tubby girl in dogeball, and in comes Hanna. Now, in Abs Toby’s defense, Hanna comes on just a LITTLE bit strong, with her whole, “How dare you hang out with your sister, when she’s so mean to your ex girlfriend,” logic. That said, Abs Toby, is more than a bit douchey in response, by playing the whole “YOU BLINDED HER” CARD, and then storming off, like it’s his job.
Speaking of doucheyness, Abs Toby has an extra special dose of it lined up for Dr British Hotpants Wren, when he happens by Half-Blind Jenna in the hospital, on the day she is supposed to have her bandages taken off. If looks could kill Hotpants would be one very sexy puddle on the floor. That said, I have to give the Line of the Day Award to Half-Blind Jenna, who refers to Dr Hotpants as “Spencer’s personal physician,” and insists that “even a lie would sound good in that accent.”
Truer words have never been spoken . . .
Ali DiLaurentis – Closet Hoarder?
It’s odd, isnt’ it, that mere days after Maya goes missing, Facelift Vampire Jason pops by to claim that she ”just happened” to drop some of Ali’s stuff by the house, in a big fat duffelbag? The PLL girls are thrilled, assuming that they will find something in the bag that leads to discovering who either “A” or Ali’s killer is. Unfortunately, most of the stuff in there is just a bunch of childhood junk
(though I did notice the Voodoo doll from the Halloween special in there. YAY, continuity!) . . . or is it?
While searching through the crap, the girls realize that the newspaper in which it is wrapped, is actually from prior to Ali’s disappearance, and contains within it, some sort of a code. (Thank you Hanna for your insanely accurate memory of Michelle Obama’s wardrobe). It seems that Ali and “A” were communicating with one another through personal and classified ads prior to Ali’s death. (How very low tech! I’m disappointed in you, A.)
In fact, on the weekend of Ali’s demise, she met “A” at . . . wait for it . . . the Creepy Doll Hospital.
(Oh, Ali also has a creepy music box. I’m not entirely sure why that’s relevant, but the producers seemed to focus on it a lot, so I figured I would throw it in there.)
Burning Up for Your Love
Upon realizing that the bag might contain even more clues than originally suspected, the girls rush to retrieve it from Facelift Vampire Jason’s porch, where they had dutifully returned it, earlier that day. Hanna gets to do the honors. So, you can imagine her suprise when HALF-BLIND JENNA’S FACE POPS OUT OF NO WHERE, and THE ENTIRE FIRST FLOOR BURSTS INTO FLAMES.
It’s Hanna and Spencer (when did she get here?) to the rescue, as they pull Half-Blind Jenna from the wreckage, just seconds before the flames . . . excuse the expression, whack her like a pinata.
Off to the hospital we go to assess the damages. Surprisingly, Hanna is absolutely fine, aside from her hair smelling like smoke (which, of course, brings back memories of Emily’s “I have glass in my hair,” moment.) But Spencer has glass in her HANDS. YAY! Wait . . . why am I saying, yay, to Spencer’s injury?
Wren is “cleaning and mending Spencer’s hands” very carefully (which I wish was a euphemism for something, but isn’t). He’s also talking to her in this super sweet and soft voice of his, and telling her that she has a very complicated life. (See, Wren is smart!) He then eye sexes her up, so hard, she pops out about ten eye babies. Upon eye baby delivery, he asks her if she would like to pretend certain things between them (like massive makeout, eyesex, half-nude massages, and drunken sleepovers) never happened.
Spencer responds, “HELL TO THE NO!” (As most of us would. Because, seriously, who would want to forget any time spent with Dr Hotpants . . . I mean, really.)
In other news, Spencer’s mom is apparently not on Team Facelift Vampire Jason, for obvious reasons. Spencer takes issue with this because . . . well . . . he’s her half-brother, a.k.a. family. (Makes sense.) In fact, judging by the way things are turning out for the Hastings brood, he might very well be the most SANE hastings of the bunch . . .
But for not so obvious reasons, Mama Hastings claims that SHE, and not her husband, was the one who spent $15,000 for the private investigator to find Ali. Hmmm . . . Why do I feel like we are still missing a big chunk of this story? Toward the end of the episode, Facelift Vampire Jason and Mama Hastings seem to share some not entirely antagonistic words at the hospital. So . . . um . . . progress!
Controlling the world . . . one Rosewood Resident at a time . . .
Oh, I guess you’re interested in finding out how Half-Blind Jenna is, right? Well, she’s fine . . . if you ignore the fact that she is still half-blind . . . hysterical crying . . . and of couse, an evil brother-f*&king shrew. As it turns out, Half-Blind Jenna was in Facelift Vampire’s house based on a message she supposedly received from Jason . . . a message he claims he never sent. In other words, “A” basically tried to have Half-Blind Jenna killed, but Hanna saved her life (with Spencer’s help). “Where there’s smoke, there’s payback,” right?
Again, where the F*&k are Half-Blind Jenna’s parents? HELLO! YOUR KID ALMOST DIED! Time to return from the mall, or wherever the heck it is you’ve been for 2.5 seasons
There is an interesting, and suprisingly divisive, scene toward the end of the episode, in which a tearful Half-Blind Jenna asks Hanna why she would possibly save her, given the awful history the two have with one another. (The Slap Heard Round the World Comes immediately to mind here.) To this, Hanna responds with a rather icy, “You’re welcome,” before exiting stage left.
Having perused the message boards, I notice that a lot of you felt this was rude of Hanna, considering Half-Blind Jenna’s emotional state. However, I kind of think, under the circumstances, Hanna handled the situation quite well.
After all, Hanna and Half-Blind Jenna are NOT friends, in fact they are nearly enemies. So Hanna certainly didn’t save the girl out of any fondness or loyalty she felt toward her. Rather, she simply did it, because it was the RIGHT thing to do . . . She probably would have done it for ANYONE . . . possibly even a complete stranger (like Duncan Donuts). While this is a perfectly good reason to save someone’s life, it’s not a particularly nice thing to say to someone.: “I saved you because I was SUPPOSED TO DO IT.”
And like Mommy always says, when you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all . . . which was exactly what Hanna did . . . at least in my opinion. (That said, giving Jenna a little smile when she said it, certainly wouldn’t have hurt . . .)
In the final moments of the episode, Gloved Hand leaves Police Boy Garrett’s badge on the floor near Facelift Vampire Jason’s house, thereby implicating him in the fire. In hindsight, he’d make for a good suspect, considering we’ve seen him arguing with Half-Blind Jenna, and angrily fleeing her home many times in the past.
Ahhh, the plot thickens. Next week on PLL, more Creepy Dolls, Creepy Old Ladies, and an Ezria sex scene? You can check out the promos here . . .
So, who do YOU think is A? Until next time, my Pretties . . .