Best . . . gynecologist appointment . . . EVER!
How’s it hanging, Werebangers?
This week on Teen Wolf, we got a little lesson in “family values.” Every family has some . . . even the really awful ones. For example, if you’re an Argent, you value the Code, and cutting things in half . . .
. . . even if those “things” happen to be your own arm.
You also value that oh-so-fun family trip to the Gas Station, where you bound and gag one another to chairs, while you taunt eachother using that machine that makes your voice sound like the Ghost Face Killer from Scream. Conversely, if you are part of Derek’s werepack, you value ice skating . . . and Derek . . . and . . . well, so far, that seems to be about it.
Let’s review the episode, shall we?
(As always . . . the awesome screencaps are all Andre’s. The boring words are all me!)
“Would you like a complimentary window-washing with that kidnapping?”
Oh those Wacky Argents! They sure know how to have a good time! We begin the episode by joining Allison Argent at a rather familiar looking gas station.
Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong, but I think we’ve spent more time at the gas station on this show, then we’ve spent at Stiles house . . . or even Scott’s house for that matter. (I guess the set’s a bit cheaper.)
We know right away that something VERY BAD is about to happen to Allison. After all, why else would we spend three minutes of a preciously limited-time episode, watching her fill up her gas tank? This isn’t reality TV!
Allison’s not entirely alone. There’s a hot African American guy at the station, who seems to be checking out Allison. I only mention that he’s African American, because he’s the first African American “Argent” we’ve seen.
But more on him, in a bit . . .
The lights go at the station, and Allison, sensing danger, rushes back inside her car. (Did she pay? I hope she paid! Gas station attendants have to feed their children too you know . . . even the gas station attendants who work at fake movie set gas stations.) It’s too late though, she gets tackled by someone in a black hoodie . . . the official uniform of Bad Guys in Teen Shows everywhere.
Allison awakens in some sort of a woodshed near the handy dandy gas station. She’s bound and gagged to a rather uncomfortable looking wooden chair . . . though I guess any chair would be uncomfortable, if you were bound and gagged to it.
Her father is facing her, looking similarly screwed.
“Happy Father’s Day!”
A disembodied voice taunts the pair, while they struggle to get unbound.
Ghost Face Killer voice poses an interesting question, especially in light of all the different responses we’ve been seeing to one single Alpha Wolfbite, this season. Namely, what happens to an Argent, when he or she gets bitten . . . you know, aside from the fact that her family disowns her, and may or may not try to cut her in half, while she hangs from a tree. Would her body reject the bite, like Jackson’s seems to be doing? Would she experience wacky hallucinations, like Lydia? Or would she just become your garden variety werewolf, like Scott and now Isaac?
Unfortunately, we don’t get to learn the answer to that question, because Papa Argent breaks out of his binding, like he’s that magician dude, Criss Angel. He smiles and bows. Then, the Hot Black Argent returns, carrying an iPhone with a Ghost Face Killer voice app.
Allison Argent . . .
“Is this how we’re doing daddy-daughter talks from now on?” Allison pouts.
Probably. But the purpose of this little fun gathering was “training.” Papa Argent quizzes Allison on some basic werewolf fighting techniques, and informs her that the Argent family is a matriarchal society. The men kill, and the women “lead” . . . and also kill. Hooray, for feminism . . . I guess. Hot Black Argent sets the timer on his iPhone, as he and Daddy A, exit stage left, while Allison uses the tip of an arrow to cut herself free.
She does it in two and a half hours. And Hot Black Argent, who’s been waiting for her, all this time, thinks that’s just awesome. It took him three hours during his “training.” Unfortunately for Hot Black Argent, that extra half hour, might have caused him his life. We see some snake like thingy, that may or may not be the Lizard Thingy from last week, trip him up, and nip him in the neck.
“This is the part, where I point my gun out in front of me, even though it’s quite obvious that my attacker is making his move from below.”
Then, in a distance, we see . . . the claws. Oh, Hot Black Argent, we barely knew yee . . .
Hitting the Wall
We’re in gym class now. Allison is kicking ass on the rock climbing wall, while flirting with her beau Scott, to boot.
“Stop looking at my bum. You dirty bum looker!”
Who knew the littlest Argent possessed so many talents, aside from making out with Scott, and busting out of faux-kidnapping situations faster than Hot Black Argent? Allison knocks Scott off the wall, and everyone laughs, especially Coach Crackpot.
Next up is Stiles and New Character Erica. New Character Erica kind of looks Drew Barrymore’s character from all those flashbacks in the movie Never Been Kissed . . . and not just because she’s probably a 25 year old playing a teenager . . . but because she’s clearly an attractive girl that the costume designers have tried really hard to “ugly up” for character development purposes.
In other news, Stiles is like the best wallclimber ever. He trounced Scott and Allison, and nobody noticed.
Who knew he had that in him. Maybe Stiles IS secretly Spiderman, after all . . .
But back to New Character Erica, she has a little panic attack on the wall. Allison informs Coach Crackpot that she’s epileptic, and he lets her come down. No big deal right? You know that’s not the end of that story.
Back in the locker room, Scott and Stiles gossip about their upcoming evening plans. While they talk, Stiles takes off his shirt, a sight which is conveniently hidden by an open locker.
I’m starting to be convinced that Stiles naked body is like Neighbor Wilson’s mouth on that old show Home Improvement. They are going to taunt us with the idea of it, constantly. But never actually show it to us.
Scott then gets a weird shaking feeling in his hand. Turns out, New Character Erica had the dumb idea to return to the rock climb on her own, and with out a harness. And then . . . wait for it . . . she suffers a seizure, and falls off the wall. Scott catches her, before she hits the ground. “My hero!”
“They always make this look a lot easier in the superhero movies.”
Allison, who runs back into the gym with a bunch of other girls wants to know how Scott knew New Character Erica was in trouble. I want to know how Allison and the other girls knew . . . but that’s just me.
Perhaps, Erica’s seizures made the entire school shake . . . kind of like that T-Rex in Jurassic Park.
Scott says “he just felt it.” Because apparently, being a wolf allows you to sense other people’s epileptic seizures. Groovy!
Now we’re at the hospital. Scott’s mom is telling New Character Erica that she still has hot legs, despite being a mom. It’s always about YOU, isn’t it, Mama McCall?
“Don’t worry, Erica. Some day soon, you too will be able to play a mom on a teen show, who has nice legs.”
Mommy leaves soon after. Then Derek, who’s dressed in a super sexy grey tank top, appears to wheel New Character Erica to the morgue. (I guess he “felt” her too.)
DEREK TO ANDRE: “Hey! You cropped out my sexy tank top. What gives, buddy?”
Again . . . this hospital has the Worst Security Ever. You would think, after the whole Alpha Thing, that Derek would at least have to don a pair of scrubs to gain access to patients rooms. But noooo . . . I guess hot people like Derek can do whatever the f*&k they please, just because they wear droolworthy grey tank tops.
Derek seduces Erica, which isn’t that hard, considering he’s Derek . . .
He reminds her how crappy her life is, because she has epilepsy, by reading her the side effects of the medication she’s clearly not taking. At least now we know why she’s not taking it. Derek offers her a better life, then, presumably gives her a nice big ole fang-making stomach hickey, when she accepts.
“Golly. I sure do wish MTV could afford to put red eye reduction on its camera lenses.”
It seems we are learning more and more “cool things” about werewolves with each passing episode . . . like the fact that becoming a werewolf seems to cure human diseases.
But what about diseases to which animals are susceptible? Like rabies. I mean, you could argue that the werewolves on this show, act like they have rabies already. So, getting it again is no big deal.
I’m getting off track again. What’s important is this . . . New Character Erica has just become the newest member of Derek’s wolf pack. Umm . . . yay?
Speaking of cures . . .
The Healing Qualities of Sex with Lydia
In biology glass, Jackson learns about vaccines, and decides that all those times he’s schtupped Lydia, over the past few months, have rendered him “immune” to werewolfism.
“Daydreaming of Wolfy.”
This is probably the first time, Jackson actually successfully applied something he learned in class to his real life . . . you know, aside from that time in Sex Education, where the kids practiced putting condoms, on small, shriveled rotten bananas . . .
Out in the hallway, Jackson screams at Lydia because her Super Vag has apparently ruined his life.
“You killed my inner wolf with your magic winky, AND you made me watch The Notebook. You are like SOOO evil!”
Then, she runs off to the bathroom to cry.
I don’t know. If I had a Super Vag, that made asshats like Jackson have a miserable life, I sure as heck wouldn’t be crying. In fact, I’d be doing this . . .
Anyway, while Lydia’s weeping in the bathroom, a pair of really gnarly bare feet can be seen from outside the stall. Wow, you must be some kind of idiot to walk around barefoot in a public restroom . . . especially a girl’s public restroom. Do you have any idea what kind of crap ends up on that floor? Forget Athlete’s Foot. We’re talking Athlete’s Gangrene!
All dogs may, in fact, go to Heaven. But clearly, they don’t offer pedicures there.
Of course, by the time Lydia emerges from the potty. (She didn’t even wash her hands!)
Big Foot is gone. But wait, he’s walking around the school, checking out Peter Hale’s old athletic trophies. So, Lydia isn’t actually seeing Dead People. She’s just seeing Dead Peter.
As far as Super Powers, that’s kind of a lame one, don’t you think. Now, having a Super Vag, on the other hand . . .
The “Fa” Sound
We’re starting to piece together what Scott and Stiles’ Fabulous Secret Plans are. They apparently involve a set of keys that only New Character Boyd possesses. I immediately like Boyd, because he’s a loner, who knows how to negotiate.
$50 for a single set of keys is kind of pricey! So, you can understand why a poor soul like Stiles, wants to whittle the asking price down to twenty. “The price is fifty, with the Fa sound,” Boyd repeats, unmoved.
It’s like Sesame Street. This episode has apparently been brought to you by the letter “F.”
As in Stiles is totally f*&ked, if he thinks he can get those keys for less than half the asking price.
“As in Forty?” Stiles tries again. (At least he has the Fa sound right this time.)
But Boyd is unmoved. Ultimately, Stiles coughs up the cash. That’s a lot of money for a high school student! What kind of allowance is Sheriff Stilinski giving his son?
Speaking of things that make you go “Fa,”
New Character / New Wolf Erica, makes her grand slo mo entrance into the cafeteria, complete with background music that basically consists of the word “Hot,” repeated over and over again. (Because that’s not too obvious at all!)
Speaking of cliches, she eats someone’s apple off his table. I think there’s supposed to be some Adam and Eve reference there.
But to me, that’s just plain RUDE!
Erica then leaves school, and rides off into the sunset with Derek.
Hmm . . . I wonder if, when they screw, it’s in wolf form, or human. These are the things I think about, while I watch Teen Wolf. . .
After this, we get two little seemingly random scenes, both of which will have more importance later. In the first, Scott tries to broach the whole “werewolf discussion” topic with The Vet, who demures, and ends up giving Scott a raise instead. Then Papa Argent asks Allison to “look out” for Lydia, i.e. find out if she’s a wolf, so Grandpa can hack open her body . . . ah . . . friendship!
ALLISON: “You would look SOOO pretty with your appendages cut off!”
LYDIA: “You really think so? That’s SO sweet!”
It’s a Petercicle!
Armed with Boyd’s keys, Scott, Stiles, Lydia and Allison head off to the old ice hockey rink for “Date Night.” We watch Stiles’ adorably awkward seduction techniques, as he plies Lydia with ugly orange jackets and Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. (Hello, Product Placement.)
“Hi boys. You should TOTALLY buy Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, because they will help you get laid by girls like me.”
Stiles seems to think he’s striking out, but us females know that Lydia’s seeming ambivalence toward Stiles is starting to crack at the surface. In other words, he’s growing on her in a big way . . .
We are then treated to some “cutesy skating montage scenes.”
Then Lydia has another freak out, because she hallucinates wolfsbane (pretty) . . .
and Peter (not so much) growing out of the ice . . .
“Hey girlfriend. Got an extra Reeses Peanut Butter Cup for your old pal Petey?”
“I guess that’s a no?”
If this was a different show, I’d say Lydia was simply suffering from a serious case of PTSD. But there’s clearly something wolfy going on here . . .
Speaking of something wolfy . . .
B*tches ARE CRAZY!
In the hallway at school, Scott tries to get Erica to tell him, who’s the next lucky candidate for Team Derek’s Hickey of Dreams. Erica doesn’t answer, instead she aggressively hits on Scott, while Allison looks on pouting.
*Pouts* “Maybe if I got hairy every full moon, Scott would look at ME that way.”
It kind of makes you wonder if Derek chose Erica, specifically, because he thought her Little Lost Girl with Epilepsy Story would lure Scott away from Allison. And it might have worked too. After all, Scott has always been a sucker for a damsel in distress, and Allison certainly isn’t that.
What Derek probably didn’t count on, was that Wolf Erica would undergo a complete personality transformation, upon being bitten, and start channeling Lindsay Lohan, in that awful movie where she plaid the dead stripper. Also, if two pack members screw, isn’t that kind of like incest?
Speaking of aggressively unlikeable ladies, Allison’s Bat Sh*t Crazy Alien-Looking Mom finds a love letter from Scott in Allison’s books, and then proceeds to SLICE A BIG FAT HOLE IN HER ARM WITH A KNIFE, just so that she can have an excuse to interrogate Scott’s mom at the hospital.
“Hmm . . . I wonder if these knives need to be sharpened again.”
“Yep, definitely need to be sharpened . . .”
I don’t know. To me, that seems like a lot of pain for not much reward. Scott’s mom basically doesn’t tell Allison’s mom anything she (or we) don’t already know. When you really think about it, aside from being super creepy, it was kind of a useless scene. (And seriously, is Scott’s mom the ONLY nurse in this place? No wonder Scott can run around every night, in faux canine form, without his mom suspecting anything! She’s always working!)
“But I thought all teenage boys ran on all fours and barked at the moon!”
Snow Dogs on Ice!
Back at school (The time jumps in this episode are making my head spin.), Scott and Stiles find New Character Boyd’s lunch table empty, and they know right away, because he must be the new pack recruit. (Why? Can’t a guy have a sick day?) Stiles finds Scott impulsive need to save every wolf man in Beacon Hills very sexy . . . stupid . . . but sexy. “Can we just try to make out for a few minutes?” Stiles asks hopefully . . .
Now, THAT’S something I’d like to see . . .
Elsewhere, Jackson tries to confront Derek at his Crapbox House, only to be accosted by a boatload of Argents with guns. I’m thinking someone’s going to need a dry pair of pants, after that experience.
Back at the rink, Stiles and Scott find Boyd driving the Zamboni, which is pretty much the most awesome high school job you can have EVER.
“I sure am one bad mamma jamma!”
Scott tries to convince Boyd that Being a Wolf is BAAAAAAAD, which prompts Derek and his new pack of puppies to pop out, and illustrate the other side of the debate.
Meet the Douche Squad.
Eventually, all this philosophizing starts to get really dull. And that’s when things really pick up. I smell a WOLF FIGHT. Wolfy Scott literally wipes the icy floor with Isaac and Erica.
Naptime for wolfy . . .
(I guess Slippy Scott got that “balance”problem on the ice straightened out.)
But then Derek wolfs out, and promptly wipes the floor with Scott, thus proving that all is fair in love and werewolfism.
“Dammit! Why do I always miss out on the good stuff?”
Once he regains consciousness, Scott makes one final plea with Boyd to stay on Team Human. But it’s too late. Boyd lifts up his shirt, and there, clear as day is his tummy hickey. But Boyd assures Scott that he doesn’t want to be just another member of the pack, like LAME Isaac and Erica. He wants to be like SCOTT . . . a lone wolf. Except, then he follows Derek off into the sunset like an obedient puppy, thereby proving he’s exactly like Isaac and Erica . . .
Now, that’s faaaaa . . . ucked up.
In other news, Hot Black Argent finds himself on The Vet’s table, as a seriously mutilated corpse. I’m betting HE wishes he had Derek’s Hickey of Dreams Right now.
Dinner is served!
Bites from that Lizard Thing just aren’t as sexy. Upon seeing this, The Vet decides it’s time he had that Werewolf Birds and Bees talk with employee Scott, after all . . .
Oh, and I almost forgot. Jackson can lift up cars with his bare hands now.
How nice for him. I guess Lydia’s Super Vag isn’t quite as effective as we once thought . . . go figure.
Until next time, Werebangers!