Hey there, Werebangers! This week’s episode of Teen Wolf was not for the weak of heart or stomach.
Erica became the Catwoman to Stiles’ Batman, just in time to have her kitty-clawed arm twisted out of it’s socket. Lydia had the unfortunate experience of having her “My Date with Emo” romantic comedy life, merge with her “I See Dead People
(or rather the Same Dead Person, Over and Over Again) ” horror movie life, in a way that forced her to recognize that she might actually be Tyler Durden from Fight Club.
Jackson got to have snakes crawl in and out of every orifice of his body, like it was a jungle gym. Big Bad Hoodie Guy reminded us why you should never EVER go to the hospital in Beacon Hills. And Allison’s mom went really, REALLY overboard sharpening a pencil.
Let’s review, shall we?
[As always, thank you to MY Master . . . of screencaps that is, Andre! Thanks for all of your hard work, and for not being at all evil. I also appreciate your not making snakes come out of my eyeballs. ]
“Well, hello there soon-to-be-dead people we’ve never met!”
Ahhh, the good ole “Victim Extras Whose Soul Purpose in Life is to Die Terrible Horrible Deaths Just So We Know the Big Bad Means Business.” It’s a tale as old as horror movie time. But the writers of Teen Wolf took this one step further, by using these seemingly random and senseless deaths to actually add to the season’s over-arching mystery.
We open on a youngish married couple — late 20′s, early 30′s tops — who have recently fallen on hard times and have been forced to make their home in a particularly dingy trailer. But wait, it’s about to get worse, when the husband of the couple goes out side to chat with a heretofore unseen Big Bad Hoodie Guy about some faulty lights, and ends up being (1) ripped from the ground by a giant snake; (2) murdered by said snake; and finally (3) shoved through the window of his trailer, so that his wife can look at the snake’s handiwork.
Same old, same old, right? But here’s where things get interesting . . . After doing away with the husband, the snake comes back inside the trailer to finish off the wife, who totally seems like a goner. But then the camera pans down and we notice, at presumably the same time that the snake does that the wife is VERY pregnant. So, we’re thinking. “Great! Two for one special for the Big Bad Snake.”
Except, it isn’t. Because, for SOME reason — which I plan to speculate about in a bit — the snake has decided to show this pregnant lady mercy . . . for now.
So, what have we learned from this . . . I mean . . . aside from the obvious: ((1) Don’t talk to people in hoodies! (2) Don’t park your trailer in the creepy woods! (3) Getting knocked up might just save your life!)? Well, we’ve learned that Kanaima Jackson, unlike his werewolf counterparts, is not just limited to his human and lizard form. He’s a true shapeshifter, one that can morph into multiple types of reptiles, and possibly even animals from other species. This is also the first time we’ve seen the Kanaima Puppet Master in Action, pulling Jackson’s strings from beneath a trademark Dark Hoodie Worn By Every Villain in Every Teen Horror Movie Ever.
And this guy (or girl?) means business . . .
The next day, at school . . .
But what if Stiles has to pee?
I’m rather ashamed to admit this, but the moment I saw the trailer for this week’s episode — which hinted that the erstwhile kidnapped Kanaima Jackson convinced his parents to get a restraining order against Scott and Stiles — I spent an inordinate amount of time wondering how the heck that was going to work, when, by mere virtue of going to the same high school, Scott, Stiles and Jackson would nearly ALWAYS be within 500 feet of one another. Well, apparently, the writers must have spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about it too. Because they treated us to Stiles absolutely HILARIOUS speech about how Jackson’s restraining order could negatively impact his bodily functions . . .
“What if I have to pee? And Jackson has to pee? And the only two available stalls are right next to one another?”
Of course, Jackson’s dad thought Stiles was being sarcastic and making light of the situation, which, knowing Stiles, I suspect he was. And yet, in a real Restraining Order situation the whole Pee Standing Up thing would actually become a genuine legal issue . . . not to mention the fact that Jackson seems to have Every Single One of his Classes with Scott and Stiles
despite the fact that Scott is a total mental midget, and would probably never place into the high-level type classes Stiles, Jackson and Lydia would take.
Mama McCall is understandably freaked out by her son’s foray into kidnapping, and even goes as far as to take away Scott’s most prize possession as punishment . . . his Stiles. A Scott without his Trusty Sidekick / Wingman? Now, that would be a sign of
Teen Wolf’s impending cancellation the Apocalypse. Though Scott comes awfully close to telling his mom the truth about why he’s seemingly acting like a total teen sociopath, Stiles coaxes his bestie out of the completely unbelieveable “The Lizard Thingy Made Me Do It” excuse, by navigating his pal toward a much more “believable” one, i.e. “I’m just sad because I have a deadbeat dad.”
Way to guilt trip your mommy for being single, Scott!
Meanwhile, over at Wolfpack Hideaway 2.0 . . .
Derek is busy telling wolf pups Isaac and Erica (SERIOUSLY WHERE IS BOYD
and who did he have to blow to get out of all these mandatory lecture sessions?) . . .
. . . to “play nice” with Scott and Stiles, so that they’ll readily give up intel about the Kanaima. Erica, who’s idea of “playing nice” typically involves “thinly-veiled propositions of sex disguised as not particularly credible threats to one’s safety” thinks this is a super idea,
one that might just end up getting her impregnated, thereby contributing to the Wolf Bloodline.
Because everyone knows that if Jackson was a Hogwarts Wizard, he’d be a Slytherin
We interrupt our regularly scheduled program to bring you this seemingly nonsensical, not to mention utterly disgusting scene, in which Jackson impressively charms a Class Pet snake . . .and then SWALLOWS IT HOLE. I wish I could say this was a metaphor for sex, but it SO wasn’t.
In which the sight of Naked Jackson eliminates my ability to come up with a clever subheading for this section . . .
I’ve showed it once before, but it bears repeating . . .
It turns out that Derek’s wolf pups aren’t the only ones trying to “squeeze intel” out of the opposition. Based on further research regarding the Kanaima, Team Scott n’ Stiles decide that it’s actually a “good creature” most of the time. And by “good creature” I mean it still murders people, but only really, really bad ones . . . kind of like that Dexter guy on the Showtime series . . . So, why is Jackson’s Kanaima such a total douche, they wonder?
Well, obviously, it has something to do with the fact that Kanaima Jackson’s Master is clearly a douche. Oh, and did I mention that Jackson is also . . . at least about 98.999% of the time a douche? I don’t know . . . the answer to this one seems pretty darn obvious to me. I mean, if it walks like a douche, talks like a douche, and looks like a lizard . . .
Nevertheless, Scott and Stiles are willing to give Jackson the benefit of the doubt, and blame shoddy parenting on his sociopathy / lizardy tendency to KILL EVERYONE, even members of his own kind . . . Except, in order to make this hypothesis stick, they need to first figure out what happened to Jackson’s bio parents . . .
Not surprisingly, Stiles hits up Jackson’s ex, Lydia for information. Unfortunately, the Jackson-centric portion of Lydia’s genius, but increasingly addled brain is a locked vault.
Lydia is loyal to Jackson and his secrets, because, in between verbally and emotionally abusing her, Jackson occasionally gives her nice kisses . . .
Erica overhears this exchange take place, and decides that it’s the perfect time to swoop in and “play nice.” She tells Stiles that she just might have the information he’s seeking. But when Stiles does run straight into Erica’s waiting tongue and / or lodge his head in between her boobs, girlfriends gets pissed, pushes him up against the wall, and tries to claw off his face. So much for “playing nice.”
Fortunately, for Erica, Stiles, who’s kind of used to this sort of abuse, take this precursor to date rape in stride. He even throws a little comic book humor into the mix for good measure!
Elsewhere, Scott is taking a makeup chemistry test. Here’s hoping he doesn’t hallucinate scary questions onto it, like last time. (Wait, now that I think about it, that might have actually been an important plot point. More on that later.)
Also elsewhere, Allison is busy stalking Jackson near the boy’s locker room, when she runs into her own personal stalker Creepy Camera Guy. It’s like a Stalker Circle Jerk! Creepy Camera Guy awkwardly invites Allison to a rave. And I have to wonder if it’s at the same gay club the cast visited last week . . . because . . . let’s face it, no matter how many unflattering close-up shots, Creepy Camera Guy takes of Allison’s face, he’s not fooling ANYBODY!
Speaking of folks who enjoy gay porn, Allison hears a scream coming from the locker room, and rushes in to find a Wet and Naked Jackson just, for lack of a better term, hanging out by the showers.
Can I get a heck yeah? This might very well be the best looking lizard thingy I have ever seen!
Ab-tastically beautiful, though he might be, Jackson has some not so kind things to say to Allison about the state of her relationship with Scott. In short, he thinks it’s soon-to-be about as dead as that random guy from the first scene of this episode. Then Jackson gets up in Allison’s face, and tackles her . . . but not in a sexy, “I’m the perpetually naked high school jock in the smash hit porno flick, High School Humpsical.” In fact, the whole scene is pretty darn dark and terrifying.
To Scott’s credit, the minute his wolfy senses note a shift in Allison’s pulse, he immediately (and correctly) assumes that his girlfriend is in danger, without ever once considering the possibility that the heartrate increase is the result of Allison and Jackson . . . um . . . playing find the lizard with one another? He speeds through his exam. (OK, this dude is never graduating . . . ever!) And then rushes to the locker room to be Allison’s Knight and Shining Werewolf once again . . .
Back on top of Allison, Jackson is beginning to return to his non-Kanaima senses, and figures out that body tackling your “friends” and calling them b*tches is NOT cool.
Of course, this realization might have come too late, because it’s Scott to the rescue!
Rumble in the Restroom!
“I have a restraining order!” Jackson screams frantically, as Scott storms toward him.
Non-Kanaima Jackson has always been a bit of a wuss . . .
“Trust me, I’m using restraint,” replies Scott. (Wow, that was actually clever. All this time hanging out with Stiles, might have finally paid off.)
Look, it’s a commercial for Immodium!
Sinks are being ripped out of wall sockets, lockers are being knocked over, water and cement particles are flying everywhere. It’s a supernatural Battle Royale!
Meanwhile, outside, Erica is trying her hands at “playing nice” with Stiles’ again, but it’s hard to tell whether she’s being for real, or if it’s simply part of Derek’s plan. Erica admits to Stiles that, back before she was a Werewolf Slutbag, she had a major crush on him, which is sweet.
Fake or not, it’s precisely the kind of thing Stiles’ needs to hear every once in a while . . . that he’s not invisible . . . that he’s more than just “Scott’s friend,” that girls notice and pine over him, the same way he notices and pines over Lydia. We all need to hear that sometimes, don’t we?
But then, Stiles sees water seeping from the Men’s Locker Room, and it’s “Danger, Danger, Scott McCall!” Within minutes, the fight is literally taken outside in the hallway, and Stiles, Erica, Allison, and, oddly enough, Creepy Camera Guy, who was “just happening by,” rush into the fray to “Stop the Violence.”
No good deed goes unpunished. And their effort results in the entire gang getting detention thanks to Positively No One’s Favorite Chemistry Teacher . . .
Meanwhile, back at Scott’s house, Mama McCall starts not-so-subtly rummaging through Scott’s room to find out why he’s seemingly become a sociopath overnight. She doesn’t need to look hard, before she finds a HUGE, ECONOMY SIZE and very nearly empty, box of condoms just sitting right there on the counter.
On one hand, WAY TO GO, SCOTT! YOU STUD! On the other, really kid, how dumb can you be? Hide your condoms in the false bottom of your teddy bear, or at least in the bottom of your sock drawer like everybody else . . .
Because everyone who’s seen The Breakfast Club knows that one detention can change EVERYTHING!
Detention in the library for the Princess, the Jock, the Rebel, the Basketcase, and the Nerd . . . OK, maybe not . . . maybe it’s just Scott, Stiles, Jackson, Allison, Erica, and Creepy Camera Guy . . . close enough! Scott and Stiles cleverly note that having Jackson sit at their table violates his restraining order, prompting Chemistry Teacher to move him to the next table. Seriously? Worst enforcement of a restraining order, EVER!
While the Chemistry Teacher is gone, the Supper Club uses this time for their own personal research. Creepy Camera Guy researches the Kanaima based on intel he stole from Scott’s (?) iPad. Erica, who’s dad is an insurance provider or something, looks up Jackson’s parents death, and confirms that they died in a car accident the day BEFORE Jackson was born. This means either that Jackson was C-Sectioned out of his mother’s dead body, or something is seriously amiss here.
Speaking of seriously amiss, Jackson is starting to look super sick and headachey . . .
Oh, look, it’s a Tylenol commercial!
. . . so he dashes out to REMOVE THE SNAKE FROM EYEBALL! WHY, WRITERS, WHY?
Elsewhere, Scott’s mom chats with Mama Argent at school, about the very real possibility that Scott and Allison might be not-so-much broken up and boning. This prompts Mama Argent to sharpen a pencil to a size that I suspect is supposed to represent Scott’s weiner, so that she can wave it around like a not particularly well-endowed cast member of Magic Mike. Now, that’s just cold!
Later, Mama Argent calls Scott to the office, and warns him to keep it in his pants . . . literally. She’s a real sweetheart, this one . . .
Meanwhile, Stiles wonders if Creepy Camera Guy is the Kanaima Master, just because he’s creepy, which, I guess is a good enough reason . . . it’s why I always used to suspect him.
On the other hand, moments later we get confirmation that the Chemistry Teacher drives the car with Einstein bumper sticker . . . the one the Kanaima was fondling a few episodes back. This would suggest that HE is the actual Kanaima Master. And yet, I think we’d all love to be proven wrong about this. It all just seems too obvious. Plus, from a nitpicker’s standpoint, Chemistry Teacher seems so much taller than Big Bad Hoodie Guy, who actually looks like it might be a woman . . .
Just sayin’ . . .
On the other hand, the Kanaima Master uses a trick of mental manipulation on Jackson that we’ve only seen before in the context of the Chemistry Teacher. Remember I told you about Scott, and that weird test, with the ever changing answers? Well, now the spines of Jackson’s books are talking to him, and telling him to take a nap, so the Kanaima can resume control, and do it’s duty.
He obeys . . .
The next thing you know, a half-lizard, half-zombie, half-whatever Jackson is zipping around the room, destroying everything in his path, and venoming Matt and Erica, the latter of whom promptly starts seizing again, something we haven’t seen her do, since she was turned.
Then, the THING, whatever it is, writes a warning on the board for everyone still conscious. It says, more or less, don’t get in my way or I’ll kill you.
I don’t know about you guys, but I believe him. As a rule, I generally don’t like to involve myself with people who swallow snakes, and then proceed to poop them out of their eyeballs.
Then again, maybe that’s just me . . .
When all is said and done, Scott and Stiles decide to take the seizing Erica to Derek, while Allison waits with Creepy Camera Guy. Scott and Allison, of course, make a huge deal about splitting up for a couple of hours, as if doing so symbolizes the beginning of the end of their relationship.
“Chill out, I’m just going to the bathroom!”
We can dream, can’t we? And, because this is TV, maybe it does . . .
Flower Guy is Peter / Peter is Lydia / Lydia is Flower Guy / Lydia is Peter Corpse, a.k.a. WTF!
Elsewhere, Lydia and her weird new “boyfriend” who no one has ever seen but her, make plans to meet near his house, which seemed to just suddenly appear out of nowhere, fully formed behind Lydia’s own. Creepo tells Lydia to bring his wolfsbane flower on her date. But she’s lost it, and can’t seem to find any in her garden . . . probably because Creepo pulled that flower out of his ass . . .
In a trance, Lydia walks behind her house, and comes upon a really nice house, that’s completely empty inside, save for some leaves and debris. What’s with people in this town and empty homes? Doesn’t anyone here like furniture? Just wait . . . all will be explained in a bit . . .
Lydia meets her creepo in the middle of the house, and apologizes about the flower. It’s all very dreamlike and surreal
probably because none of it is actually real. The pair randomly start making out . . . yeah, because that’s how most of us would react to a guy we just met, who gave us a dinky flower, and invited us alone to his unfurnished serial killer lair . . .
Lydia, I’m disappointed in you! I thought you were supposed to be smart.
But wait . . . this isn’t a new, nice house at all . . . it’s that OTHER unfurnished house . . . Derek’s, the same one Lydia was drawn toward, when she escaped naked into the woods from the hospital, which suggests that this has been Lydia’s “neighbor” all along. The Hale house . . . Lydia’s hallucination of the place was probably a depiction of what it looked like before the fire charred it all up.
You know what else isn’t looking so hot anymore. Creepo . . . probably because now he’s Dead Burned-Up Peter. Apparently, Lydia’s bite has had the impact of allowing Lydia to see how everything Hale looked prior to the fire . . . Peter included. In other words, Creepo is nothing more than a Young Peter. And Young Peter, just like the nice-looking Hale house, no longer exists. He’s been a figment of Lydia’s imagination all along.
Or has it?
You see, in the scene that follows, a charred up looking Peter informs an oddly unemotional, under the circumstances, Lydia that her unique immunity to the bite, will mean big things for Peter. Apparently, she’s going to do something for him. But what, revive him? Allow him to possess her body, in a way, that, to some extent he already has? The scene was purposefully unclear in this respect. All we know is that Peter’s nasty ass decaying body is currently buried beneath the Hale house. The question is, for how much longer will it stay there?
“You make a good Batman.”
Over at Derek’s lair, hot stuff looks so incredibly sexy, when he’s playing Barbarian Witch Doctor, breaking poor Erica’s arm to leech the toxins from it.
Meanwhile, the poor girl cries out in pain, and Stiles holds her gently, a look of fear and genuine concern on his face. Erica’s eyes flutter as she looks up at Stiles. “You make a good Batman,” she tells him.
Oh, this chick is good . . . using pickup lines, mid-seizure, while your arm is being pulled out of it’s socket . . . that’s gotta deserve some kind of reward.
Later, Scott tells Derek that he’s willing to join the latter’s pack for the sole purpose of locating Jackson and the Master, [provided they do it "HIS WAY." Aww, it looks like the gang's getting back together again. How sweet!
You know what's not so sweet though, that poor mom, who just gave birth in the hospital, only to have Big Bad Hoodie Guy snuff out her life with a pillow, which, as far as deaths go, is so much less cool than Dismemberment by Snakes . . .
But hey, you Kanaima win em' all, right? Until next time, Werebangers!