“Y’all come back now, ya hear?”
The Glen Capri Motel: Come join us at this 1.5 star, home away from home! Our accommodations are so spectacular, the guests would literally rather kill themselves than leave! (198 suicides and counting!) Amenities include nicotine-scented towels (Mmmmm!) . . .
cable TV . . .
a buffet-style continental breakfast . . .
and, for those workout buffs, a gym, right in your bedroom!
So, give us a call today! Our friendly staff will be more than happy to arrange your death . . .er . . . I mean, your stay!
This week on Teen Wolf, our friendly neighborhood Darach got a bit lazy.
It was bound to happen sometime. I mean, the guy was clearly over-exerting himself . . . killing three victims a week, THREE TIMES A PIECE (when one would suffice).
But this week, the Darach decided to rest on his laurels, and let the werewolves KILL THEMSELVES! You know, because, if this series has taught us anything about werewolves its that they ALWAYS succeed at everything they try to do . . .
The plan failed . . . MISERABLY. (Werewolves: 4, Darach: 0) Imagine, an entire hour dedicated to suicide, and not a SINGLE DEATH.
Let that be a lesson to you, kiddies. If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself . . .
Pack your bags, Werebangers! Because it’s time to check-in to “Motel California” . . .
[As always, special thanks to Andre . . . the greatest screencapper in all the land . . .]
That 70′s Show
Whenever television shows do 70′s flashbacks, I’m always struck by the bizarre nature of sideburns.
They make everybody look like werewolves, which, I guess, in this case, is kind of fitting . . .
Nice knowing ya, Random Argent Relative . . .
“I’ll miss you Burt Reynolds’ mustache!”
The Usual Suspects
Meanwhile, over on the Beacon Hills Cross Country Team Bus . . . actually, I shouldn’t say, “meanwhile,” because it’s 36 years later . . .which reminds me, why 36 years? It seems kind of random, no?
At first, I thought, perhaps, Jeff Davis had ole “Uncle” Argent croak on his birthday. But according to Wikipedia, Jeff Davis was actually born in in 1975, not 77 . . .
I guess we’ll never know . . .
Anywhoo, Scooby Gang ends up being forced to spend the night at the same hotel where Sideburn Guy ate the business end of his revolver. Needless to say, Lydia is not pleased . . .
While in bed with Scott . . .
. . . sorry, I mean, in the bed “next” to Scott, Stiles helpfully reviews with us his chief suspects in the “Druid Sacrifice” killings.
“Previously on Teen Wolf . . .”
They are . . .
Mr. Harris, because he’s ALWAYS a suspect
Derek, because “Sterek” hasn’t exactly been going as planned, this season . . .
Cora, because she’s related to Derek (see earlier comment about “Sterek failure”) . . .
Mr. Deaton, because Stiles is creeped out by that whole “Obi Won” thing he has going on . . .
. . . and Lydia, who is basically the female version of the kid from The Sixth Sense . . . except the kid from The Sixth Sense, doesn’t suffer from blackouts, and never poisoned all his friends with wolfsbane. (Then again, that’s probably because the kid from The Sixth Sense didn’t have any friends except Bruce Willis, who, spoiler alert, was already dead.)
Stiles also posits that it’s entirely possible that the killer is someone completely random like
the English Teacher good ole Kanaima Master Creepy Matt, from last season, who Stiles (AND I!) suspected as being bad news, from the get go . . .
Honestly, though, I was surprised that Stiles didn’t through Peter in the mix, as a possible suspect. After all, he’s been a Big Bad before. Not to mention he seems way smarter than both Derek and Cora . . . just sayin . . .
After all, didn’t Lydia note last week that these sacrifices seemed designed to build the killer’s strength for impending battle? And we all know Peter has hasn’t quite been back in fighting form, ever since his awakening from the dead . . .
Personally, I’d be bummed if Sassy Uncle Peter ended up being the Bad Guy again. I’m just putting it out there . . .
In other Villain News . . .
Get in MY BELLY!
BOW CHICKA WOW, WOW! Ethan and Danny are putting this creepy hotel to good use . . . a use that involves nipple licking . . .
“Nom, nom, nom, nom . . .munch”
Talk about making the best of a bad situation . . .
Mid-foreplay, Ethan and Danny discuss the latter’s scars, which Danny has had since he’s a child. Ethan basically offers to heal them for Danny . . . but he does so in a casual enough way, so as not to make Danny think, “My boyfriend’s totally a werewolf, who occasionally gets fisted by his brother, and merges into this big ugly Shrek-looking thing . . .”
Danny, however, likes his scars. They make him feel like a survivor.
“Where’s the scar?”
Ethan replies that he hopes Danny will be a survivor . . . a statement I’m sure Danny found sweet, but sounded kind of threatening to me, under the circumstances . . .
Don’t you hate when you are just about to hook up with a guy you really like, and indigestion appears?
“Sh*t, not again.”
“Can’t a guy get a meal in here, every once in a while? Danny’s weiner only has so much protein in it.”
I don’t know about you, but when I find a bald guy growling in my stomach, I reach for the Pepto Bismol. Chainsaws are just too messy . . .
Then again, it’s possible that Ethan just has a distaste for pink drinks . . .
“This is how Real Men deal with getting the runs . . .”
Fortunately, Stiles and Lydia arrive just in time to stop Ethan from giving himself an emergency tummy tuck. Unfortunately, the mood has definitely been killed. No sex in the dingy motel room for Danny and Ethan . . . at least not tonight.
“Was it something I said?”
So remember how last week, I made this comment about how I sort of missed Edgy Scott, from Season 1 . . . the-not-yet-in-control-of-his-wolfiness guy, who tried to pork Lydia, even though Stiles was clearly in love with her?
Yeah, he was kind of a douche. But dude was fun to watch!
Anywhoo, the writers of Teen Wolf must
read this blog have heard my prayers, because guess who made a surprise return to TV, this week?
It’s Scott McRapey!
Walking in on Allison in the shower? Grasping for her, even though she asked him to leave? Telling her that sex “as friends” would solve all their relationship problems? Then, magically “snapping out of it,” and claiming he “forgot what just happened?”
Scott just became the male star of every Lifetime movie I’ve ever seen . . . It was awesome!
In other news, the Red Eyes were back. Alpha, shmalpha! Get this boy some Visine, STAT!
Come Play with Us!
It was a busy week for Team Human, this week, who pretty much had to do all the heavy lifting this week, while our supernatural friends were . . . you know . . . out of their minds and trying to find increasingly creative ways to off themselves . . .
Downstairs in the lobby, trying to complain to an old lady with emphysema, because the towels in her supposedly smoke-free room smell like ASH, Lydia stumbles upon some unpleasant history about the motel where Coach Crackpot has willingly forced his students to spend the night. As it turns out, the Glen Capri hotel holds the record as the “Motel that hosts the most Suicides.”
It’s an admittedly dubious distinction. But Emphysema Lady is proud, nonetheless. I mean, people could choose to end their lives ANYWHERE. But the fact that 198 depressives chose the Glen Capri motel, of all places, as the last place on Earth they will ever see while among the living, must be kind of touching to the motel owners . . . in a totally creepy way.
In fact. Emphysema Lady is so “touched” by the deaths, she’s decided to convert each room into an unofficial suicide museum, helpfully hiding newspaper articles about each of the suicides in the King James Bibles of the room in which they occurred!
Having 198 corpses on your premises, also makes you about 10 times more likely to be haunted than your average Best Western or Motel 6 . . .
In fact, it kind of reminds me a bit of that Other Hotel . . .
This might explain why Lydia keeps “overhearing” suicides, in presumably empty motel rooms. You know, like those two kids who shot one another in the head simultaneously, Romeo and Juliet style.
Speaking of Lydia, this isn’t exactly her day. As if it wasn’t bad enough having 198 people wanting to play with you, Stiles informs her that she might very well be the evil Druid killer. It makes sense, a bit, considering how wacky all the resident werewolves are acting. The last time we saw these guys act like that, was the type Lydia, possessed by Peter, poisoned them all with wolfsbane at a party.
“I think I liked you better when you worshipped the ground I walked on, and didn’t accuse me of being a serial killer, each week . . .”
Downstairs in the lobby, the sign touting the hotels 198 deaths, seems to have magically increased to 201 . . . a number we keep seeing pop up throughout the episode.
201-198 = 3
The question is, which lucky trio will get to check into Suicide Motel . . . FOREVER?
Insert “Yo Mama” Joke Here
“Ring, ring! Hey, Scott! It’s your mom calling.”
“Just wanted to let you know I’m about to get my throat slit by your nemesis, while you watch.”
“Also, I hope you brought a sweater to your track meet. I hear it’s a bit nippy outside.”
“Just kidding. I’m not really dying. I’m just a metaphorical representation of your fear that your Wolf Life will ultimately cause the inevitable demise of everyone you love.”
“But I meant what I said about the sweater . . .”
Ice, Ice, Baby . . .
You ever see that commercial, where the football player is really hungry, so he temporarily turns into Betty White?
Well, Boyd’s definitely hungry. But I’m not quite sure Betty White would be able to do this?
“Care for a Kit Kat?”
(Fun fact. At the vending machine, Boyd selected candy number 201 . . . you know as in 201 DEATHS in the motel? Could he be one of the lucky three?)
Later, while getting some ice, Boyd finds a prize inside the icebox . . .
Later in his hotel room, Boyd can’t seem to stop hearing the taped transcript of his police interrogation, following his little sister’s abduction at an ice rink, after which she was apparently murdered.
In all seriousness, this actually explains a lot about the heretofore enigmatic Boyd . . . a loner, who relives his sibling’s abduction each day, by working at, of all places, an ice rink, and driving a Zamboni. Not only does this appear to be Boyd’s way of punishing himself for losing track of his sister on that fateful day, it’s also a way for him to make sure that no other little kids at the ice rink suffer the same fate his sister did.
Feeling sorry for himself, Boyd decides to take a bath . . . with a safe?
“Glug, glug, gurgle, fizzzzzzzzzzz”
Fortunately, Lydia’s ability to converse with dead people, apparently extends to the future dead. Because Lydia predicts Boyd’s future drowning, just in time for her and Stiles to finding him taking a nap in the tub, sans Rubber Duckie. Upon determining that heat could be used to break the werewolves out of their suicidal trances, Lydia instructs Stiles to get some signal flares from the (unlocked?) bus.
He waves one in Boyd’s face and . . .
“How dare you interrupt my water aerobics session!”
Phew, that was a close one. Fear not, kiddies. It looks like Boyd will get to live to be a not-particularly-well-developed-character (save for the dead sister thing) another day . . .
But Boyd isn’t the only werewolf hanging out around ice boxes tonight . . .
Get in the Icebox!
Since there’s nothing good on television . . .
“Why are all the werewolves on True Blood such inbred douchebags?”
Isaac decides to take a walk down memory lane, with his dear old dad . . .
“Hey dad, remember that time you locked me in the icebox, because I gave you the wrong-sized tool?”
Isaac actually seems more scared than suicidal, when Stiles finds him hiding under the presumably grossly dirty hotel bed . . .
But Stiles decides to put a burning flame in his face anyway. (That’s what friends are for!)
Speaking of friends with benefits . . .
Sex Heals All Wounds . . . Apparently
When we last left English Teacher, she was huddled over a nearly-dead Derek in the school parking lot . . .
So, she does what any woman would do in such a situation:
takes him to a hospital uses a first aid kit on him in an attempt to staunch the bleeding makes some cheesy jokes about what a hot body he has, and then proceeds to have sex with him, as his gaping, gross, open wounds rub all up on her privates . . .
Not that Derek is complaining . . .
Did I mention that English Teacher has a magic coochie, apparently?
One roll in the hay with this chick, and he’s CURED! It’s a MIRACLE!
“Thank you, Magic Coochie!”
English Teacher has officially become my hero!
Too bad it’s looking more and more likely that she’s evil.
Gas Pains . . .
Speaking of Magic Coochie, Scott could probably use one of those, when Suicide Motel motivates him to douse himself in kerosene, while holding a signal flare . . .
Team Human watches in horror, as Scott threatens to kill himself, thereby putting a premature end to a series that has clearly been written around him . . .
“Goodbye Cruel Television Show!”
OK, so most of the fanbase KNOWS the writers wouldn’t really kill Scott, smack in the middle of the season. But still, it’s an emotional moment . . .
Then, Scott starts telling Stiles what losers and nobodies they used to be, before Scott turned into a werewolf . . . the implication being, obviously, that Stiles is STILL a loser and a nobody.
OUCH! If I was Stiles, I might have been tempted to let him die for that . . . just sayin . . .
“If I’m such a loser, how come YOU’RE the one who smells like gas?”
Obviously, I’m kidding. But seriously! Show Stiles a bit of respect, Scott! He pretty much solves EVERY CRIME COMMITTED ON THIS SHOW! Not to mention, he’s constantly getting Scott’s dumb ass wolf side out of trouble . . .
But Stiles is clearly a better person than me. Because rather than telling off Scott, he gets all teary, and offers to die with him . . . calling the Teen Wolf his best friend and brother . . .
“It gets better.”
Once again, Dylan O’Brien hits the scene out of the park, almost making me forget how annoyed I am at Suicidal!Scott for dissing him . . . almost.
When Stiles pulls Scott out of the fire, Lydia gets a surprise glimpse at Voldemort from Harry Potter! Talk about a cool cameo appearance!
“Was the signal flare a horcrux?”
Thar she BLOWS!
The next day on the bus, Lydia steals Coach Crackpot’s whistle, and finds out that someone filled it with wolfsbane, which would explain why the wolves were acting so wacky on this little trip.
Except, correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t EVERYONE . . . wolves, humans, and kanaimas alike . . . effected by the wolfsbane, back when Lydia slipped it into her punch at her birthday, last season? Why was it so much more selective, this time around? I mean the Coach blew that sh*t RIGHT IN STILES’ FACE!
Also, how was Coach able to get any sound out of the whistle, with all that purple crud in it? Anyone? Bueller?
Logical reasoning aside, the gang determines that the Darach . . . and not the Suicide Motel . . . was responsible for all the almost-murders . . . If I was the Suicide Motel, I’d be massively offended by this . . .
Also, on the bus, Ethan thanks SCOTT for saving his life.
SCOTT? SCOTT? SERIOUSLY?
Scott was out playing in the gasoline! STILES AND LYDIA saved your life, Ethan!
Why is everybody crapping on Stiles, this season? Correction, why does everybody crap on Stiles, EVERY SEASON?
Makes me mad, is all . . .
Anywhoo, to thank SCOTT for “saving his life,” Ethan tells the Scooby Gang that Derek is still alive . . .
However, the Alpha’s plan on killing him . . . again . . . to avenge the death of THIS GUY . . .
Something tells me that the Magic Coochie won’t help Derek, this time around . . .
Can I Get You a Tissue . . . GERARD ARGENT?
Back in Adult Town, Papa Argent figures out his daughter flauted his authority by attempting to murder Alpha’s Katnisss Everdeen style, without daddy’s approval. So, he punishes her, by letting her rot for the night in the same hotel where his Uncle, shortly after turning werewolf, decided to off himself . . .
“What’s this random escalator doing in here?”
At the end of the episode, Papa Argent pays a visit to a familiar face . . .
“Hi honey, I’m home!”
and my massive over-acting?”
That’s right, Kiddies, it’s the MOUNTAIN ASHHHHHH guy . . .
(who, apparently, after all these years, has never learned how to blow his nose)
And he’s got some interesting intel about who bit Uncle Argent, back in 1977 . . . It was . . . wait for it . . . THE DEMON WOLFFFFFF!
Next week on Teen Wolf, Deaton becomes the Maggie Grace character from the movie Taken (which, I guess makes Scott, Liam Neeson?)
See ya then, Werebangers!