Aloha, Werebangers! This week on Teen Wolf, Nogitsu-Stiles found some even more creatively disgusting uses for his seemingly never-ending army of Fireflies-on-Steroids.
Seriously, where the heck does he store all these busy little dudes on their days off? What’s the firefly equivalent of an Ant Farm or Roach Motel? Firefly Flea Circus, perhaps?
As if that wasn’t enough, “De-Void” also introduced us to some new characters . . . Meet
Nogitsu-Brain Washed Derek . . .
Nogitsu-Brain Washed Isaac . . .
Nogitsu-Brain Washed Ethan/Aiden . . .
and Dream Slut Allison . . .
It was almost like an alternate dimension Beacon Hills, where the entire Scooby Gang were a bunch of evil psychotic assholes . . . Actually, when Ethan / Aiden, and, to a lesser extent, Isaac, were first introduced, they pretty much were a bunch of evil psychotic assholes. But we like to forget about that nowadays, don’t we, Werebangers?
So open your eyes, close your mouths, and, for heaven sakes, try not to get possessed by any evil fox spirits within the next twenty minutes or so, because it’s time for another Wolf-cap . . .
[As always, a hearty Werebanging Thanks to Andre for the gorgeous screencaps you see here. Andre’s mind probably doesn’t have as many red balloons, lockers, evil tree stumps, or unwinnable Games of Go, as Stiles’ mind does, but I’m sure it’s still a fairly impressive and fun place to spend the afternoon.]
Silly Adults, Tricks are for Kids!
I hate to say it, folks. But Nogitsu-Stiles is super sexy.
What can I say, I have a soft spot for TERRIBLE BOYFRIENDS!
Just as smart as human Stiles, but twice as powerful, he expertly stacks his chess pieces on the board, without them even realizing they are playing right into his hands. The most dangerous villain is the one who gets his enemies to fight his battles for him. And that’s precisely what Nogitsu-Stiles did here.
Step 1: Draw your enemies into one place, making them that much easier to control.
“You know, we all spend a lot of time in here . . . fighting evil, and such. So, I was thinking we could do a little decorating. Maybe put in a couple of couches, a flat screen TV, the carcasses of Derek’s dead relatives . . . that sort of thing.”
Step 2: Pray on their weaknesses.
A father’s love for his son . . .
A hunter’s ego and bloodlust . . .
“Constantly being outsmarted by teenagers can really take a toll on one’s self esteem.”
A friend’s loyalty . ..
“Not going to lie. I’m a little turned on right now. You should know that your being a homicidal maniac is totally not a deal breaker for me. Pretty much all my exes are evil.”
“Trust me, friend. This hurts me a lot more than it hurts you.”
“Really? Because I’ve had paper cuts more painful than this?”
Step 3: Know when to get the f&*k out of the way . . .
“Sh*t, this place again. Why doesn’t the Nogitsune ever possess people someplace fun . . . like college students on Spring Break. We’ve been waiting 800 years for a tan!”
“It’s been fun guys. But I’ve kind of gotta jet. Call me when you want to discuss options for Derek’s new oriental rug!“
As much as Nogitsu-Stiles knew the Scooby Gang wanted him expelled from Stiles’ body, or at least incapacitated, he knew they wanted the Oni out of the picture, even more. After all, keeping Real Stiles body alive and unharmed was the Scooby Gang’s only hope for keeping alive the loyal and snarky brains behind their operation.
And the Oni don’t exactly have a reputation for making clean breaks . . .
And so, when night fell, and the Oni appeared on Derek’s doorstep, Nogitsu-Stiles knew all he had to do was step back and enjoy the fruits of Real Stiles’ beloved status amongst his pack. They couldn’t defeat the Oni, of course. But at least they could distract them from their real target, at least for one night . . .
“I feel so used!”
Truth be told, Real Stiles could stand to take some lessons from Nogitsu-Stiles on big pimping. Had he followed even a bit of the Evil Ones advice, the fan favorite undoubtedly would have bagged Lydia Martin long ago . . .
Of course, by the time Scott and Kira arrive, all the damage has already been done. Derek’s injured, Nogitsu-Stiles is gone, the Oni have vanished.
Is it possible to impeach a “True” Alpha?
True Sassy Peter was a Total Socio, but at least he never would have let things go down like this . . .
Should Have Brought More Bug Spray
Speaking of massive failures, Mama de Kira goes to the Insane Asylum to pay respects to the lost love of her life, Toilet Paper Head . . .
“Hey sweet cheeks. My body is rotting, my soul is gone. But, surprisingly enough, my equipment still works. Care for another roll in the toilet paper for old times sake?”
“Tempting, but I’m still pulling flies from my underwear following our last rendezvous . . .”
We can understand her nostalgia. After all, Nogitsu- Reese may not have been much to look at . . .
“I’m too sexy for my head scarf . . .”
. . . but at least he had a rockin’ body . . .
“Let’s not forget, I had massive balls.”
. . . and unlike Mama de Kira’s current Boy Friday, it took WAY more than a single stupid firefly to bring her last boyfriend to his knees . . .
“Hey, I have a very sensitive stomach!”
Talk about trading down!
Enter Nogitsu-Stiles . . .
“This is the part of the show where I figure out a way to stick your tail inside me, while still keeping this show suitable for general audiences.”
Kid travels fast! Last I checked, Derek’s house was not quite next door to Eichen House. Being an evil fox spirit must come with unlimited frequent flyer miles from the Kitsune Equivalent of Jet Blue . .
While, the Scooby Gang is still back at Derek’s house, licking their wounds . . . Nogitsu-Stiles is already squaring off with Mama de Kira, stealing one of her tails, and stabbing it into Stiles’ tummy . . .
“So much phallic symbolism, so little time.”
WOAH Stiles???!!! What the heck were they feeding you in the Loony Bin?
“Now, I know why my dad always told me not to sit with my tongue out and my head out the window, whenever we went on car rides . . .”
Though I’ve been told an all bug diet is actually surprisingly rich in vitamins and minerals, while still being low and fat, something tells me the FDA wouldn’t approve . . .
“I told them I liked to eat FRIES . . . with an ‘R!!!”
Especially, since it seems like someone forgot to kill the bugs before our rascally mental patient ate them . . .
“Don’t knock it, until you’ve flied it!”
Anywhoo, Beacon Hill can now add “Bug Infestation” to the long list of reasons why its property values are plummeting weekly . . .
Best Commercial for Band-aids EVER!
Everyone knows Teen Wolf is no stranger to product placement . . . from Bing Search Engines to Samsung Phones to pimped out motorcycles to Stiles’ never ending supply of witty t-shirts, MTV, as a network has never been afraid to sell out their much-coveted aged 18-25 viewing demographic and sell them HARD!
I myself, am usually quite immune to product placement . ..
But you know what I did after watching this episode? I bought myself Band-Aids, lots and lots of Band-Aids . . .
Because, apparently, if you don’t use Band-Aids, evil bugs will crawl into your cuts and bruises, and make you try to kill all your friends . . .
And I’d like for my friends to stay alive for the time being, thank you very much . . .
That said, evil bugs aren’t all bad . . . apparently, they help you get laid . . .
“YEAH! BUG PORN!”
Which tells me that if I ever run out of Band-Aids, I should really stock up on contraceptives, if I don’t want an army of baby TV Recappers running around my not particularly large apartment . . .
Product placement, Teen Wolf . . . you got me this time . . . TWICE!
Living just outside a major metropolitan area, I have little use for private transportation and can no longer afford to pay for long-term parking . . .
But back in the good ole days, when I owned a car, I had a rather complicated relationship with my GPS system. I lovingly named her Taylor. And Taylor and I spent many hours alone together on the lonely roads of the Garden State. Sure, she got annoyed at me sometimes, snarkily saying things like “Calculating Route,” or “When possible make a legal u-turn,” when I disobeyed her patient instruction. But I couldn’t navigate my way out of a paper bag, so I gladly accepted her lectures . . . despite those times when she “accidentally” navigated me into “bad neighborhoods,” “roads that haven’t existed for 15 years,” and “possible illegal drug transactions made by Gangs with Guns.”
“Make a left turn at the Hell Mouth, followed by a right turn at Your Inevitable Death.”
So, I can commiserate with Lydia, who finds herself having phantom conversations with a GPS no one else can hear, while driving with her boyfriend, which unwittingly lead her to the possibly possessed unconscious boy who SHOULD be her boyfriend, lying in the middle of the road.
“You have reached your destination . . . for sex in Season 4.”
MY GPS almost got me killed many times, but it never once gave me romantic advice . . .
Lydia, consider yourself lucky . . .
Fifty Shades of Nogitsune . . .
Back at Chez Argent, Allison learns that the S&M of romance novels may be sexy in theory, but in practice, being chained to a bed is less sexy than TOTALLY DEMORALIZING . . .
“I know my father told me I should stop opening my legs for every boy I meet. But this is kind of ridiculous.”
Back at Derek’s loft, Nogitsu-Stiles annoys everybody enough with his smart mouth to get a wad of ducktape on his lips, or as the Nogitsune refers to it . . . foreplay . . .
“Talk dirty to me?”
Hey, the guy has already pretty much screwed over everyone on the show, why not at least get a little pleasure-pain enjoyment out of the process?
Speaking of Derek, it turns out that his Nogitsune-possessed incarnation is a lot less forgiving of the Argent’s slow burn of the entire Hale werewolf clan and their happy home, than the Derek we’ve known for three seasons . . .
“Think of it as REALLY HOT massage oil. . .”
As it turns out, Possessed Derek believes that what his newfound bromance with Papa Argent needs to really be at its strongest is a little FIRE . . .
I like how the Nogitsune in this episode, doesn’t so much completely alter the minds of its pawns, as it does remind them of their pre-existing anger, and use it to his own deviously destructive advantage. After all, Derek likely genuinely does still harbor some ill-will towards the Argents for pan frying his mother and siblings. Isaac truly has never been able to 100 percent forgive the twins for murdering Boyd (and possibly Erica). And there’s a part of Ethan that probably is super pissed that his twin brother’s inability to play nice with others has kept him from enjoying the full protection of membership in Scott’s pack . . .
Allison and Kira arrive on the scene to help, but . . . really . . . these dumb brainwashed boys are fully capable of fighting their own battles . . . aren’t they?
“We aren’t being the least bit helpful. But at least we look super fashionable while we do it . . .”
Weapons of Mass Destruction
With half of their pack turned into angry vengeful zombies, the Scooby Gang is forced to dig into their bag of less desirable weapons against Nogitsu-Stiles. Their reluctant choice? Sassy Uncle Peter, of course!
Of course, Sassy Uncle Peter isn’t the type to give away something for nothing. He requires payment for his temporary dalliances with heroism. And that payment comes in the form of secrets from Lydia about the true name of his bastard child.
Lydia reluctantly agrees to give up the goods. And before you know it, Sassy Uncle Peter is inducing one of his trademark nail rapes on his subjects, and Scott and Lydia are on board a first class flight into the uber terrifying Mind of Stiles Stilinski .. .
Tell me, Werebangers, what kinds of awful goodies do you think Professional Nail Rapist Peter would find in YOUR MINDS????
Be afraid, Werebangers . . . Be Very Afraid . . .
This is your brain on Stiles . . .
Stiles’ brain is a fun place to play . . . a nostalgic trip into Teen Wolf episodes’ past . . .
First our Scooby Heroes’ find themselves in the memorable “five-point restraint system” of Echo House.
And, of course, it’s entirely up to Lydia to remind the Alpha Wolf in bed beside her . . .
“Hey, Dumbass . . . WOLVES BREAK RESTRAINTS!”
And so he does . . .
After that, Nogitsu-Stiles switches to a divide and conquer strategy that would make Dream Warrior Freddy Krueger proud.
“Toilet paper head . . . I should have thought of that!”
He places Lydia into the midst of her Season 1 Prom Fantasy Gone Bad . . .
“Haha, look at all those blue balls. Bet I cause a lot of those in high school!”
And he appeals to Scott’s weakest member, his p*&nis . . .
“Should I be creeped out that my best friend clearly fantasizes about me having sex with my ex?”
. . . with an impromptu makeout session from a version of Stiles’ ex-girlfriend Allison, who is DTF, all the time!
Kira may be cool with fully clothed smooches in the bed. But let’s face it, when it comes down to naked action, the sly fox is no match for the sexually adventurous hunter . . .
You go, Stiles! Who knew your brain was such an X-rated playground in which to play . . .
Papa Don’t Preach
Meanwhile, at Sheriff Stilinski’s impeachment hearings, Stiles’ pops finds himself an unlikely ally in . . .
“You kind of suck at your job.”
“True, but everyone else on the police force pretty much gets killed after two episodes max. So it’s not like you have a lot of options.”
. . . Detective McCall?
“Douchey on the outside. Soft and mushy on the inside.”
Turns out, Scott’s dad just used the whole “Firing Stiles’ Dad from his Sheriff Job” thing as an excuse for some father/son bonding time. Yikes, Papa McCall . . . most dads just spring for a fishing trip, or something . . .
Back in Stiles’ head, thanks to a much needed wakeup call from Peter, Lydia and Scott finally break out of their personal hell’s long enough to find mission control in the Stilinski Brain . . . turns out, it’s Stiles caught in a never-ending game of Go with the Nogitsune.
“GROW A BRAINNNNNNN!”
(Apparently, Go is kind of like Monopoly . . . you know, one of those games that literally can go on for decades, if none of your opponents are smart enough to admit they are tired of playing, and would prefer to spring for some pizza, instead.)
“Poor man’s checkers . . .”
Compared to the rest of Stiles’ brain, this is just plain BORING . . .
“Is this supposed to be like a shopping mall?”
Time to blow this popsicle stand, Oh Skinny Sarcastic One . . .
I know what will help you! How about a little Care Bear Stare . . . er, I mean, call from your Alpha . ..
And with one wild roar, everyone in Scott’s back has been de-Nogitsuned . . .
Talk about a powerful mouth! No wonder Scott is so popular with the ladies . . .
Got any toilet paper?
Back in Derek’s loft, Lydia and Scott are back from their vacation in Stiles’ brain, but Stiles still seems sort of / kind of unconscious, at least until Lydia whispers in Peter’s ear the name of Peter’s daughter: Malia.
“Bulimia is BAD, kiddies! Do not try this at home!“
SEX . . . teens and sex . . . if the Scooby Gang only knew that all it took to end Stiles’ nogitsune possession was to utter the name of his first sexual partner, they may have gotten him laid long ago . . .
Cue the massive toilet paper vomit of Lost Love Remembrance . . .
“Hey guys! We’ve got enough toilet paper in here to last us a month!”
But wait . . . which Stiles is which?
Hint, Nogitsu-Stiles may NOT be the one beneath the bandages . . .
“Fooled you again, SUCKAS!” Say Nogitsu-Stiles as he runs off with Real Stiles’ Lady Love Lydia . . .
Now, how’s THAT for a Mind F*&k? You’re move, Scooby Gang!
Until next time, Werebangers!