Category Archives: Teen Wolf

Buggin’ Out – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “De-Void”

no go

Aloha, Werebangers!   This week on Teen Wolf, Nogitsu-Stiles found some even more creatively disgusting uses for his seemingly never-ending army of Fireflies-on-Steroids.

bug mafia

bugging

Seriously, where the heck does he store all these busy little dudes on their days off?  What’s the firefly equivalent of an Ant Farm or Roach Motel?  Firefly Flea Circus, perhaps?

firefly people

As if that wasn’t enough, “De-Void” also introduced us to some new characters . . . Meet

Nogitsu-Brain Washed Derek . . .

crazy derek

Nogitsu-Brain Washed Isaac . . .

ready to kill

serial killer

Nogitsu-Brain Washed Ethan/Aiden . . .

evil now

and Dream Slut Allison .   . .

dont stop

It was almost like an alternate dimension Beacon Hills, where the entire Scooby Gang were a bunch of evil psychotic assholes . . .  Actually, when Ethan / Aiden, and, to a lesser extent, Isaac, were first introduced, they pretty much were a bunch of evil psychotic assholes.  But we like to forget about that nowadays, don’t we, Werebangers?

Loved it!

winky stiles

So open your eyes, close your mouths, and, for heaven sakes, try not to get possessed by any evil fox spirits within the next twenty minutes or so, because it’s time for another Wolf-cap . . .

more dancing stiles

[As always, a hearty Werebanging Thanks to Andre for the gorgeous screencaps you see here.  Andre’s mind probably doesn’t have as many red balloons, lockers, evil tree stumps, or unwinnable Games of Go, as Stiles’ mind does, but I’m sure it’s still a fairly impressive and fun place to spend the afternoon.]

Silly Adults, Tricks are for Kids!

I hate to say it, folks.  But Nogitsu-Stiles is super sexy.

stiles upward looking

What can I say, I have a soft spot for TERRIBLE BOYFRIENDS!

Just as smart as human Stiles, but twice as powerful, he expertly stacks his chess pieces on the board, without them even realizing they are playing right into his hands.   The most dangerous villain is the one who gets his enemies to fight his battles for him.   And that’s precisely what Nogitsu-Stiles did here.

dont trust the fox

Step 1: Draw your enemies into one place, making them that much easier to control.

was thinking of doing some interior decorating

“You know, we all spend a lot of time in here . . . fighting evil, and such.  So, I was thinking we could do a little decorating.  Maybe put in a couple of couches, a flat screen TV, the carcasses of Derek’s dead relatives . . . that sort of thing.”

Step 2: Pray on their weaknesses.

A father’s love for his son . . .

gun showdown

ep 8 stiles dad hug fyeah

A hunter’s ego and bloodlust  . . .

ep 8 papa a

“Constantly being outsmarted by teenagers can really take a toll on one’s self esteem.”

A friend’s loyalty . ..

aww thats cute

kind of turned on right now

“Not going to lie.  I’m a little turned on right now.  You should know that your being a homicidal maniac is totally not a deal breaker for me. Pretty much all my exes are evil.”

tazed

“Trust me, friend.  This hurts me a lot more than it hurts you.”

take that taser

“Really?  Because I’ve had paper cuts more painful than this?”

Step 3: Know when to get the f&*k out of the way . . .

havent you all learned

“Sh*t, this place again.  Why doesn’t the Nogitsune ever possess people someplace fun . . . like college students on Spring Break.  We’ve been waiting 800 years for a tan!”

kill them

“It’s been fun guys.  But I’ve kind of gotta jet.  Call me when you want to discuss options for Derek’s new oriental rug!

As much as Nogitsu-Stiles knew the Scooby Gang wanted him expelled from Stiles’ body, or at least incapacitated, he knew they wanted the Oni out of the picture, even more.  After all, keeping Real Stiles body alive and unharmed was the Scooby Gang’s only hope for keeping alive the loyal and snarky brains behind their operation.

And the Oni don’t exactly have a reputation for making clean breaks . . .

nogitsune

man no head

And so, when night fell, and the Oni appeared on Derek’s doorstep, Nogitsu-Stiles knew all he had to do was step back and enjoy the fruits of Real Stiles’ beloved status amongst his pack. They couldn’t defeat the Oni, of course.  But at least they could distract them from their real target, at least for one night . . .

which way did they go

“I feel so used!”

Truth be told, Real Stiles could stand to take some lessons from Nogitsu-Stiles on big pimping.   Had he followed even a bit of the Evil Ones advice, the fan favorite undoubtedly would have bagged Lydia Martin long ago  . . .

lyd and sty

Of course, by the time Scott and Kira arrive, all the damage has already been done.  Derek’s injured, Nogitsu-Stiles is gone, the Oni have vanished.

ephemeral

Is it possible to impeach a “True” Alpha?

bad scott

True Sassy Peter was a Total Socio, but at least he never would have let things go down like this . . .

always been the alpha

Should Have Brought More Bug Spray

Speaking of massive failures, Mama de Kira goes to the Insane Asylum to pay respects to the lost love of her life, Toilet Paper Head . . .

hey look whose back

“Hey sweet cheeks.  My body is rotting, my soul is gone.  But, surprisingly enough, my equipment still works.  Care for another roll in the toilet paper for old times sake?”

not tonight loverboy

“Tempting, but I’m still pulling flies from my underwear following our last rendezvous . . .”

We can understand her nostalgia.  After all, Nogitsu- Reese may not have been much to look at . . .

nogitsune teeth

“I’m too sexy for my head scarf . . .”

. . . but at least he had a rockin’ body . . .

my balls

“Let’s not forget, I had massive balls.”

. . . and unlike Mama de Kira’s current Boy Friday,  it took WAY more than a single stupid firefly to bring her last boyfriend to his knees . . .

gulp

“Hey, I have a very sensitive stomach!”

Talk about trading down!

Enter Nogitsu-Stiles . . .

got your tail

“This is the part of the show where I figure out a way to stick your tail inside me, while still keeping this show suitable for general audiences.”

sex me now 2

Kid travels fast!  Last I checked, Derek’s house was not quite next door to Eichen House.  Being an evil fox spirit must come with unlimited frequent flyer miles from the Kitsune Equivalent of Jet Blue . .

hi stiles

While, the Scooby Gang is still back at Derek’s house, licking their wounds . . . Nogitsu-Stiles is already squaring off with Mama de Kira, stealing one of her tails, and stabbing it into Stiles’ tummy . . .

self stab

“So much phallic symbolism, so little time.”

WOAH Stiles???!!! What the heck were they feeding you in the Loony Bin?

infestation

“Now, I know why my dad always told me not to sit with my tongue out and my head out the window, whenever we went on car rides . . .”

Though I’ve been told an all bug diet is actually surprisingly rich in vitamins and minerals, while still being low and fat, something tells me the FDA wouldn’t approve .  . .

ep 5 more oral fixation stiles tyler

“I told them I liked to eat FRIES . . . with an ‘R!!!”

Especially, since it seems like someone forgot to kill the bugs before our rascally mental patient ate them . . .

bug tummy

“Don’t knock it, until you’ve flied it!”

Anywhoo, Beacon Hill can now add “Bug Infestation” to the long list of reasons why its property values are plummeting weekly . . .

Best Commercial for Band-aids EVER!

Everyone knows Teen Wolf is no stranger to product placement . . . from Bing Search Engines to Samsung Phones to pimped out motorcycles to Stiles’ never ending supply of witty t-shirts, MTV, as a network has never been afraid to sell out their much-coveted  aged 18-25 viewing demographic and sell them HARD!

macys product placement

2 17 phone

I myself, am usually quite immune to product placement . ..

But you know what I did after watching this episode?  I bought myself Band-Aids, lots and lots of Band-Aids . . .

bandaids

Because, apparently, if you don’t use Band-Aids, evil bugs will crawl into your cuts and bruises, and make you try to kill all your friends . . .

into the wound

*Slurp, slurp*

And I’d like for my friends to stay alive for the time being, thank you very much . . .

That said, evil bugs aren’t all bad . . . apparently, they help you get laid . . .

taste buggy

spoon

ogle

“YEAH!  BUG PORN!”

Which tells me that if I ever run out of Band-Aids, I should really stock up on contraceptives, if I don’t want an army of baby TV Recappers running around my not particularly large apartment . . .

condom 2

Product placement, Teen Wolf . . . you got me this time . . . TWICE!

Damn, GPS!

Living just outside a major metropolitan area, I have little use for private transportation and can no longer afford to pay for long-term parking . . .

But back in the good ole days, when I owned a car, I had a rather complicated relationship with my GPS system.  I lovingly named her Taylor.  And Taylor and I spent many hours alone together on the lonely roads of the Garden State.    Sure, she got annoyed at me sometimes, snarkily saying things like “Calculating Route,” or “When possible make a legal u-turn,” when I disobeyed her patient instruction.   But I couldn’t navigate my way out of a paper bag, so I gladly accepted her lectures .  . . despite  those times when she “accidentally” navigated me into “bad neighborhoods,” “roads that haven’t existed for 15 years,” and “possible illegal drug transactions made by Gangs with Guns.”

left turn at hellmouth

“Make a left turn at the Hell Mouth, followed by a right turn at Your Inevitable Death.”

So, I can commiserate with Lydia, who finds herself having phantom conversations with a GPS no one else can hear, while driving with her boyfriend, which unwittingly lead her to the possibly possessed unconscious boy who SHOULD be her boyfriend, lying in the middle of the road.

parking lot

“You have reached your destination . . .  for sex in Season 4.”

MY GPS almost got me killed many times, but it never once gave me romantic advice . . .

Lydia, consider yourself lucky . . .

not an orgy - Copy

Fifty Shades of Nogitsune . . .

Back at Chez Argent, Allison learns that the S&M of romance novels may be sexy in theory, but in practice, being chained to a bed is less sexy than TOTALLY DEMORALIZING . . .

so not sexy

“I know my father told me I should stop opening my legs for every boy I meet.  But this is kind of ridiculous.”

Back at Derek’s loft, Nogitsu-Stiles annoys everybody enough with his smart mouth to get a wad of ducktape on his lips, or as the Nogitsune refers to it . . .  foreplay . .  .

hush yo mouth

“Talk dirty to me?”

Hey, the guy has already pretty much screwed over everyone on the show,  why not at least get a little pleasure-pain enjoyment out of the process?

orgasm face

Speaking of Derek, it turns out that his Nogitsune-possessed incarnation is a lot less forgiving of the Argent’s  slow burn of the entire Hale werewolf clan and their happy home, than the Derek we’ve known for three seasons . . .

kerosene

“Think of it as REALLY HOT massage oil. . .”

As it turns out, Possessed Derek believes that what his newfound bromance with Papa Argent needs to really be at its strongest is a little FIRE .  . .

electrifying

I like how the Nogitsune in this episode, doesn’t so much completely alter the minds of its pawns, as it does remind them of their pre-existing anger, and use it to his own deviously destructive advantage.  After all, Derek likely genuinely does still harbor some ill-will towards the Argents for pan frying his mother and siblings.  Isaac truly has never been able to 100 percent forgive the twins for murdering Boyd (and possibly Erica). And there’s a part of Ethan that probably is super pissed that his twin brother’s inability to play nice with others has kept him from enjoying the full protection of membership in Scott’s pack . . .

sibling rival

kill you both

Allison and Kira arrive on the scene to help, but . . . really . . . these dumb brainwashed boys are fully capable of fighting their own battles . . . aren’t they?

charlies angels

“We aren’t being the least bit helpful.  But at least we look super fashionable while we do it . . .”

Weapons of Mass Destruction

With half of their pack turned into angry vengeful zombies, the Scooby Gang is forced to dig into their bag of less desirable weapons against Nogitsu-Stiles.  Their reluctant choice?  Sassy Uncle Peter, of course!

lit your fire

Of course, Sassy Uncle Peter isn’t the type to give away something for nothing.  He requires payment for his temporary dalliances with heroism.  And that payment comes in the form of secrets from Lydia about the true name of his bastard child.

malia older

Lydia reluctantly agrees to give up the goods.  And before you know it, Sassy Uncle Peter is inducing one of his trademark nail rapes on his subjects, and Scott and Lydia are on board a first class flight into the uber terrifying Mind of Stiles Stilinski .. .

in the head

Tell me, Werebangers, what kinds of awful goodies do you think Professional Nail Rapist Peter would find in YOUR MINDS????

derek body

wet stiles

want sandwiches and sex nickmillerfixed it

little miss scatterbrain

Be afraid, Werebangers . . .  Be Very Afraid . .  .

This is your brain on Stiles . . .

Stiles’ brain is a fun place to play . . . a nostalgic trip into Teen Wolf episodes’ past . . .

mischeivous stiles

First our Scooby Heroes’ find themselves in the memorable “five-point restraint system” of Echo House.

big trap

trapped

And, of course, it’s entirely up to Lydia to remind the Alpha Wolf in bed beside her . . .

“Hey, Dumbass . . . WOLVES BREAK RESTRAINTS!”

lyd screams

And so he does . . .

After that, Nogitsu-Stiles switches to a divide and conquer strategy that would make Dream Warrior Freddy Krueger proud.

freddy-krueger1

“Toilet paper head . . . I should have thought of that!”

He places Lydia into the midst of her Season 1 Prom Fantasy Gone Bad . . .

lots of balloons big

“Haha, look at all those blue balls.  Bet I cause a lot of those in high school!”

And he appeals to Scott’s weakest member, his p*&nis . . .

penis likes brain doesn't

“Should I be creeped out that my best friend clearly fantasizes about me having sex with my ex?”

nodding oh yeah

. . . with an impromptu makeout session from a version of Stiles’ ex-girlfriend Allison, who is DTF, all the time!

Kira may be cool with fully clothed smooches in the bed.  But let’s face it, when it comes down to naked action, the sly fox is no match for the sexually adventurous hunter . . .

allison bamf heir of slytherin

You go, Stiles!  Who knew your brain was such an X-rated playground in which to play . . .

Papa Don’t Preach

Meanwhile, at Sheriff Stilinski’s impeachment hearings, Stiles’ pops finds himself an unlikely ally in . . .

you kind a susck

“You kind of suck at your job.”

gettin fired

“True, but everyone else on the police force pretty much gets killed after two episodes max.  So it’s not like you have a lot of options.”

. . . Detective McCall?

nice guy deep down

“Douchey on the outside.  Soft and mushy on the inside.”

Turns out, Scott’s dad just used the whole “Firing Stiles’ Dad from his Sheriff Job” thing as an excuse for some father/son bonding time.  Yikes, Papa McCall . . . most dads just spring for a fishing trip, or something . . .

singing-fish-singing

No GO!

Back in Stiles’ head, thanks to a much needed wakeup call from Peter, Lydia and Scott finally break out of their personal hell’s long enough to  find mission control in the Stilinski Brain . . . turns out, it’s Stiles caught in a never-ending game of Go with the Nogitsune.

wake up

“GROW A BRAINNNNNNN!”

(Apparently, Go is kind of like Monopoly . . . you know, one of those games that literally can go on for decades, if none of your opponents are smart enough to admit they are tired of playing, and would prefer to spring for some pizza, instead.)

whats that spell

“Poor man’s checkers . . .”

Compared to the rest of Stiles’ brain, this is just plain BORING . . .

is this a mall (2)

“Is this supposed to be like a shopping mall?”

Time to blow this popsicle stand, Oh Skinny Sarcastic One . . .

tear jerk (2)

wake uppppp stiles

I know what will help you!  How about a little Care Bear Stare . . . er, I mean, call from your Alpha . ..

the how

carebear stareee

And with one wild roar, everyone in Scott’s back has been de-Nogitsuned . . .

better now

“Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz”

Talk about a powerful mouth!  No wonder Scott is so popular with the ladies . . .

Got any toilet paper?

Back in Derek’s loft, Lydia and Scott are back from their vacation in Stiles’ brain, but Stiles still seems sort of / kind of unconscious, at least until Lydia whispers in Peter’s ear the name of Peter’s daughter: Malia.

seriously what have i eaten

“Bulimia is BAD, kiddies!  Do not try this at home!

SEX . . . teens and sex . . . if the Scooby Gang only knew that all it took to end Stiles’ nogitsune possession was to utter the name of his first sexual partner, they may have gotten him laid long ago .  . .

sexing

Cue the massive toilet paper vomit of Lost Love Remembrance . . .

no shopping

“Hey guys!  We’ve got enough toilet paper in here to last us a month!”

But wait . . . which Stiles is which?

who am i

Hint, Nogitsu-Stiles may NOT be the one beneath the bandages . . .

super gross

“Fooled you again, SUCKAS!” Say Nogitsu-Stiles as he runs off with Real Stiles’ Lady Love Lydia . . .

its me its me

Now, how’s THAT for a Mind F*&k?  You’re move, Scooby Gang!

Until next time, Werebangers!

bad stiles more

4 Comments

Filed under Teen Wolf

Taming of the Shrewd – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Echo House”

let me out big

let me in

stiles upward looking

Welcome to Eichen House, Werebangers!  It’s like Hogwarts for the severely mentally disturbed (and those possessed by evil fox spirits).   Speaking of Hogwarts, remember when Ginny was possessed by Lord Voldemort!  She and Nogitsu-Stiles could have totally bonded back then!

eichen house

 

Eichen House is a fun and magical place, which offers its residents a variety of recreational activities . . .

hanging three

 

“I thought you were supposed to bounce back up when bungee jumping?”

Five-star cuisine . . .

the bug

 

“Tastes like chicken?”

A professional and friendly staff, who is ready and willing to cater to your every need .  . .

gonna get you

 

stab

 

And the accommodations?  Talk about luxurious!

oliver

So leave your personal possessions in a baggy with the orderly at the front desk (We don’t allow shoelaces here.), and stay a while.  Because this Teen Wolf recap is literally a trip to the nuthouse . . .

344_bag_of_nuts

[As always, special thanks to Andre, who is the Alfred Hitchcock of screencaps, basically.]

The importance of being Stiles’ Pillow

Say what you will about the Nogitsune, but he is definitely no slacker.  If mind manipulation was MY modus operandi, and Beacon Hills was MY playground, Stiles would probably be at the bottom of my list of potential victims.  Why?  Because he’s a smart guy!  He’d un-Jedi my mind tricks, decipher my cheesy riddles, and block my mental chess game advances, like it was his job, because, basically it IS his job on the Scooby Crew.

ep 6 youryodai will be gravytrain

 

funny-gif-Yoda-dancing-stormtroopers

I’d choose to mind f*&k someone a bit . . . dimmer . . .

no idea what im doing

Simpler-minded . . .

ephemeral

Less complex . . .

ep 8 scotts bowl sunshower 80

I’d probably choose SCOTT, I WOULD DEFINITELY CHOOSE SCOTT one of the Alpha Twins, or something.

lets put our heads together

 

“Which one of us should get the brain, this time?”

But the Nogitsune is a smart guy too.  One who clearly likes a challenge.  And when it came taming his chosen host into total submission, he did it night by playing on Stiles’ mind, which, admittedly, is a steel trap.  He did it by playing on his heart, which is loyal, intensely protective of friends and family, and extremely vulnerable to the sexual wiles of pretty supernatural girls.  Stiles’ heart is a pile of mushy goo, more or less.

stiles sad 1

They say nice guys finish last.  But, in this case, nice guys get Nogitsuned!  Sorry Stiles!  But hey, look on the bright side, at least you got to get laid first . . .

more dancing stiles

As usual, I’m getting ahead of myself here.  Let’s travel back in time a few hours, to when Stiles had awakened from his poison-induced nap, after almost killing Scott.  Our hero/villain then, presumably ran home to Papa, and promptly told him it was high time he got committed into an insane asylum.  Papa reluctantly agreed, probably because Eichen House got such great reviews on Yelp!

i dont like this

Father and son ride into the night toward Stiles’ new Wackadoodle Castle.

dad thinks one

“Looks pretty swanky.  I wonder if this is covered by the Beacon Hills PD health insurance plan?”

And because there “ain’t no party, like a loony lockdown party,” Scott pulls up on his bike just in time.

trust scott

Though Stiles has apparently convinced his father to let him do this, by reassuring him that the lockdown would only be temporary . . . just enough time for Papa Stilinski to drive to LA to see a brain specialist, without having to worry about having a fox-possessed serial killer riding next to him in the passenger seat, he promptly offers his bestie the real deal.

never get out

“Make sure I never get out,” the Teen whispers insistently to his Alpha pal.

Because that’s what friends and family do for one another, right?  They lock themselves inside insane asylums, so that they don’t accidentally eviscerate the ones they love, while under the control of evil Ancient Japanese Spirits, with a penchant for wrapping their faces in toilet paper . . .

nogitsune teeth

Inside the asylum, Papa Stilinski has a mini freakout over Stiles’ having forgotten to pack his pillow on his trip to the Gates of Hell.

forgetting

“But I even used your favorite Fabric Softener the last time I washed it!”

no sleep

But really, he just does not want to say goodbye to his Baby Boy.  *sniffle*

ep 8 stiles dad hug fyeah

Just Hanging Out . . .

Stiles first begin to question his choice of living arrangements, upon learning that Eichen House’s “No shoelaces,” rule may very well be the metaphorical  equivalent of putting a bandaid on an amputated leg . . .

hanging self 1

 

hanging self

He had no shoelaces, so he hung himself with bedsheets!  Very clever!

eli says happy birthday

Of course, no public wackadoodle hanging would be complete without a riddle.  And the soon-to-be-dead guy’s got a doozy for you.  Ready?

nodding oh yeah

“What’s part of a bird that’s not in the sky.  It can swim upon water, but still remain dry.”

angry bird

Get it?  It’s a SHADOW!

take off shadow

 

ep 9 obviously stiles

Come on Nogitsune!  Stop giving us riddles with the same answer.  Not only is it annoying, but it makes it way easier for us to cheat . . .

trademark scott face

 

“Wait . . . I think I got the answer to this one . . . it’s wings, right?  The answer is totally wings!”

Speaking of cheating, Stiles is immediately ready to break the no phone calls for the first 72 hours rule.  But Nurse Ratched isn’t having it.  She threatens to chain Stiles to his bed, if he doesn’t behave.

nurse ratched

 

Speaking of misbehavers, check out Stiles’ new roomie!

another oliver

 

hi stiles

All things considered, Oliver seems like a pretty nice guy.  He shares our hero’s penchant for nerdy facts!

another oliver again

“Most suicides happen on Mondays!”

a third oliver

“This place has a lot of echoes.  That’s why they call it the “Echo House.”

yet another o

“Did you know the human head weighs 8 pounds?”  (Just kidding.  He never said that one.)

In another life, I imagine Oliver could have gone to Beacon Hills High and been an unofficial member of Scott’s pack . . .

drlling

. . . at least until he went into a homicidal rage, and started murdering his classmates with a buzzsaw he stole from woodshop . . .

By way of conversation, Oliver notes that he’s swallowed a bug.  Normally, that would just be a disgusting side note.  But it’s actually pretty important to the plot later.

You know that scene in Mean Girls where Lizzy Caplan’s character tells Lindsay Lohan’s character about all the different “tribes” of High School . . .

Well, Oliver sort of does that for Stiles at Eichen House.  Unfortunately, it seems like Eichen House only has one tribe . . . People Who Think they are Jesus . . .

jesus one

 

jesus 2

Imagine all those Jesuses sitting at the same long lunch table.  I wonder what that would look like?

last supper

Also in Eichen House, People Who Have Imaginary Conversations with Non-Working Phones.

you cant sit with us

Now, in Beacon Hills High, Stiles might not exactly have been considered popular.  But surrounded by nutjobs like these, he’s total Prom King Material.  So, of course, he wants to hang with the hot coyote chick whose life he saved right?  Together, these two could RULE the Insane Asylum . . .

my queen

 

“My queen!”

my fist

“My fist!”

punching

Then again, maybe not . . .

that all went a lot better in my head

 

hate coyot

But hey, at least Stiles has an in with a member of the faculty.  Check it out.  It’s Ms. Morell, also known as the Woman Who Every Single Female Job in Beacon Hills, except for Hospital Nurse, because Mama McCall got to that one first . . .

picture of the wolf

While recovering from having his lights punched out by a girl, Stiles gets a glimpse of the Eichen House basement and recalls it as the place he probably was trapped during “Riddled,” even though everybody but Lydia thought he was in Malia’s old coyote den . . .

basement

 

memoris

 

aliceinwonderland

 

Curiouser and curiouser . . .

Fun with Flags Scrolls

This is what happens to the Scooby Gang, when they lose Stiles as their voice of reason.  Instead of relying on the internet for research like normal teenagers would (and should), these goons decide to revert back to children’s books . . . oh, and ancient rolls of paper, that may or may not be the property of Japanese Mafia hitmen.

pretty paper

 

“These are some really expensive paper towels.”

For reasons I can’t quite understand, this crack team decides that the best way to get access to this ancient scroll is to rob an armored car containing police evidence taken off of the body of a dead guy?   Huh?

stiles in strife

 

“Why are my friends so stupid?”

Might I suggest a good old fashioned Google search for the term “Nogitsune exorcisms.”  Sure, it’s not nearly as exciting, but it’s also not a FIRST CLASS FELONY!

internet derek 2

In Which Everybody Threatens to Kill Stiles

Poor Stiles!  A good portion of this episode is spent on people plotting his untimely demise.  First there’s Papa Argent, who fondly tells Derek about this one time, at Hunter Camp, when he murdered a kid who turned into an evil bear, and how he’d gladly do the same thing to Nogitsu-Stiles, if he had the chance.  Back at the Nuthouse, Ms. Morell tells Stiles that the rash on his body represents the poison that’s keeping him un-Nogitsuned.  And that when it disappears, he’ll be evil again, so she can kill him.

a lot like death

By way of apology for death threats, Ms. Morell gives Stiles a bottle of Speed, so he can keep from sleeping.

have some drugs

 

or ill give you other drugs

 

“Are you going to take the blue pill, or the red pill, Stiles?”

The adults on this show really are spectacular role models, aren’t they?

Animal Instincts

While popping pills in the boys room, Stiles has another run-in with Malia.

hallucinating

 

“Well, I guess it’s better to hallucinate naked chicks than guys with toilet paper wrapped around their head.”

 

But this time, the interaction is slightly more pleasant . . . probably, because she’s a hot naked girl, and he’s a hormonally-charged teenage boy.  Also Stiles and Malia both have something the other wants (and they rhyme with weenis and wagina).  Stiles wants Malia to help him to get the keys to the basement, so he can figure out why the Nogitsune dream-trapped him in there.  Malia wants intel from Stiles’ wolf pack, about how she can turn back into a coyote permanently, and never suffer the ignominy of having breasts again .   . .

naked

 

cant get warm

It’s a match made in Insane Asylum Heaven .  . .

know who i am

After a clever ruse, during which Oliver beat the crap out of Malia, while shouting at the top of his lungs.  “They are not going to drill holes in my head.”  (FORESHADOWING?), Stiles finally gets those keys.

fighting

 

key pass

 

teen wolf allison argent stiles

But then the Evil Orderly Catches him confiscates his Speed, and shoots him up with Haldol, a SERIOUS downer drug that conks him right out.

why does everyone keep

 

“Can everyone please stop shoving needles up my ass?”

 

Good lord, there’s a lot of illegal drug use on this show!   Am I watching Season 3B of Teen Wolf, or Requiem for a Dream 2: Electric Boogaloo?

Give me the Finger!

So many mixed metaphors on this show.  First we find Stiles dreaming he’s trapped in a locker, trying to get out, while the Nogitsune, is screaming, “Let me in.”

teeth

OK, maybe that’s kind of an obvious metaphor.  But hey, at least it’s not another riddle with Shadow as the answer.  The Nogitsune’s sense of humor is improving, even if his fashion sense and dental hygiene aren’t.

Back at the armored car robbery, Scott demands that Mafioso Kitashe (sp?) give him the finger, when what he really means is . . .

finger

Give him the finger . . .

Yeah, Scott has always sort of been a bit of a literalist.

more funny

 

“I’ve got it!  The answer is shadow!”

Anyway, big Mafioso werewolf ends up limping away while little kid werewolves abscond with the finger, even though it totally seemed like he could kick their asses, with both his hands and one of his legs tied behind his back.

ooh

Maybe he just didn’t really want to get fingered badly enough . . .

huh

 

angry

Back in jail, that Mom chick who tortured Derek and Peter in the first episode of the season, pays Papa Argent a visit, reminds him of his loyalty to the hunter code, and makes some oblique references to his daughter.

talk dirty

Basically, all of this is foreshadowing the moment when Papa Argent learns the Nogitsune is inside his daughter, and he has to decide whether or not to kill it, just as aggressively as he threatened to kill Nogitsu-Stiles.

Honestly, I have no idea what the f*&k she’s talking about.  Maybe she should go back to speaking in Spanish.  She was much more interesting then . . .

frumpy mom

La Loba . . . El Bano.

Meanwhile, back in Crazy Town . . .

Let’s Do it Like They Do on the Discovery Channel   . . .

Malia rescues Stiles from lockdown, and the new buds somehow find their way into the precious basement, where Toilet Paper head’s body is quietly decomposing, while carrying a mysterious picture of someone Stiles apparently recognizes.

my trusty bat

 

“How did I get my bat back?”

hes not cute

“I”m glad you and I are going to bone soon.  Otherwise, I may have ended up having to seduce that guy.”

picture

“Why does the Nogitsune have a picture of President Obama in his pocket?”

In addition to being a crypt for Evil Dead People with a penchant for toilet paper and old photographs, the basement is also where Eichen House apparently keeps all its records about how they used to drill holes in people’s heads.  (Does nobody use computers on this show anymore?)

brain

Rock on, Stiles.  It’s once again time to get your Nerd on!

stiles dancing at gay bar melchiors

Malia, whose entire sexual history up to this point consists of lifting her leg on rocks and humping trees, apparently finds people with holes in their head a huge turn-on.

talking

Other turn ons for Malia?  Dingy insane asylum basements, crude medical experiments on mentally ill people, ugly baby dolls formerly belonging to the little sister you ate . . .

hungry

(Different strokes for different folks, I guess.)

yumm

 

kiss

What’s a girl to do?  I know!  You should totally have sex with the virgin with a hole in his brain!

sex me now

 

sexing

Wham, Bam, Thank you, Nogitsune!  Next thing you know, the half-possessed by a fox boy is doing it with a were coyote to sexy emo music, and it’s kind of hot.  (So much pretty on one television screen!).

hand porn one

 

hand porn two

 

hand porn three

 

But also kind of cheap, in a way.  Like Stiles has been hanging on to his virginity all this time, just to lose it in pretty much the least romantic locale possible,  with a woman he barely knows, who once punched his lights out, in those fearful final moments before he may lose his identity for good.

crying stiles in hos

 

“You are totally killing my sex buzz!”

Then again, it’s also kind of realistic.  Not everyone’s first time can be picture perfect, you know . . .

winky stiles

Or . .  . maybe this is all just a dream, and young Stiles will live to first screw again, for real this time!

stiles with wolf hat

Anyway, let’s get a better look, shall we?

You know what would be hotter though?  If they did it to This Song  . . .

Even better news?  Stiles’ ugly body rash is going away . . .

backne

 

improved backne

 

stiles approves

Oh wait . . . that means he’s going to be possessed again soon . . . nevermind.

stiles and dad

Back at home, Dr. Deaton reads the teeny tiny paper that Scott and co, for which Scott and co. committed a first class felony.  And it tells them . . .  pretty much nothing.

this is silly

“It just says Shadow.”

Actually, it instructs them to expel the Nogitsune by changing the body of its host.  And we all know what that means . . . it’s time to hit the gym Stiles!  You need to bulk up . . .

dylan growl

. . . or turn into a werewolf . . . or put the Nogitsune back in its decrepit body in the basement of Eichen House where it belongs . . .Whatever . . .

The Trouble with Eating Bugs

Did you know that the average human swallows as many as twelve bugs a year, while they are sleeping?

ep 5 more oral fixation stiles tyler

Kind of makes us all a bit like that bug-eating Renfield guy from Dracula right?

But I bet you never before worried that swallowing a bug in your sleep would turn you into the mindless zombie slave of an evil Japanese spirit, who will force you to willingly try to dig holes in the heads of hot people, who recently lost their virginity to one another?

et tu olive

 

“Et tu Oliver?”

sucks for m

“That depends, does et tu mean, I’ve been turned evil and will drill a hole in the brain of you and/or your new lover?  If so, then yes.”

Now, you will!

Thanks Teen Wolf, for adding another to my already long list of Irrational Fears Involving Gross Bugs . . .

stiles alphabet 1 allisonargents

 

stiles alphabet2 allisonargents

Long story short, Stiles gives up control of his body to save the pretty little head of the girl he just boned.   And so, Nogitsu-Stiles awakens just in time to give the camera, his signature Sexy Evil Smile to the camera, just moments before the end-credits role.

tied up

 

crying

But wait, there’s more!

Look who has just escaped the nut house in hopes of becoming the Scooby Gang’s newest member?

blue eyes

Watch out, Lydia!  The race to get in Stiles’ pants just got a bit more crowded . . .

sterek comfort

 

lyd screams

Next time on Teen Wolf . . . Chaos!

See ya then, Werebangers!

ep 12 derek smile bitten by gif

12 Comments

Filed under Teen Wolf

The Trojan Horse – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s Letharia Vulpina”

big gift

“Hey, it’s me Stiles!  Let me in!  I’m totally harmless, and not at all possessed by an evil sociopathic spirit, who experiences orgasms from your pain.”

So you probably all read that story in school about how the Greeks defeated the Trojans during the Trojan war, by making them believe they had already won the war, presenting them with an attractive looking package that seemed to cement their victory, and using that package to get themselves behind enemy lines and ultimately defeat their oppressors.

my-little-pony1

My Little Trojan Horse Pony

Quite a few times this season, we’ve seen “Stiles” trick people into accepting dangerous substances, by wrapping those substances in shiny white paper and pretty silver bows, and disguising them as gifts.

birthday present

happy birthday

not trusting

And yet, when you think about it, the REAL Trojan Horse of Season 3B is Stiles, himself . . . Good, Snarky, Skinny, Smart, Loveable Virgin Stiles . . . the guy we loved, adored and rooted for, over the course of three seasons.  By using this fan favorite character as his host, the Nogitsune gains unofficial membership into Scott’s pack.  He enjoys the benefits of their power and protection.  He becomes privy to their secrets.

mischeivous stiles

He defeats them, without them even realizing they are being defeated . . .

bad stiles more

All of the Teen Wolf villains have tried to some extent to accomplish this, with varying degrees of success.  Peter tried to get behind enemy lines by controlling his adversaries . . .

ep 6 alpha

“Dance puppet, dance!”

 . . . the Kanaima by terrorizing them . . .

half kanaima jack

.  . . the Darach by boning them (or, at least, one of them) . . .

dennifer

. . . Grandpa by manipulating them . . .

funny face grandpa

. . . the Alpha Pack by torturing them.

destroyer of worlds

But none of these attempted takedowns have been as effective as the one perpetrated by Nogitsu-Stiles . . .  a sly villain who understands that the best way to defeat your nemeses is to become one of them . . .

stiles and scott

Let’s review, shall we?

nodding oh yeah

[As always, a big hearty thank you to Everyone’s Favorite Supernatural Screencapper Andre, whose every picture is worth a thousand words . . . which means I can write a lot less. :)]

Dr. Dolittle’s Revenge

Once upon a time, there was a veterinarian with the quirky ability to talk to animals.  Talking to the animals made the doctor seem like a bit of a nutbar, but it also made him better at his job.

220px-Dr_dolittle_movie_1998

By being able to ask the animals directly what exactly it was that was ailing them, he could more quickly and easily cure them.

sleeping scott

But this magical ability also came with a darkside, as efficient a healer of animals as Dr. Dolittle was, he was also it pretty efficient killer of animals.  He knew their weaknesses, how to gain their trust, how to disarm them . . .

great pic

Poor Yuki and his well-meaning, if slightly curmudgeony, Yakuza owner, learned this lesson the hard way, when Dr. Dolittle Deaton Trojan Horsed their asses, just so he could do a little weeding in their backyard . . .

noooooo

“NOOOOOOOOOO!”

Now, that’s just rude!

Now, I haven’t checked Career Builder recently to find out how much they pay vets in Beacon Hills, but it must be a lot, because our Deaton had enough moolah to fly all the way to Japan just to slip some paralytic Kanaima snot into poor Yuki Wolf’s puppy chow.

sleepy puppy

“OK, be honest.  Which one of you yakuza pooped in my Kibbles n Bits?”

Under the guise of attempting to cure little Yuki, Deaton quickly gains access, not only to Yakuza headquarters, but also to the cursed garden where Nogitsu-Yakuza was murdered by the Oni, in that flashback a few episodes back.

nogitsune

magical forest

“Marijuana farm?”

“Why was my adorable Yuki eating fox poison from this creepy shrine to my dead father and his massively f*&ked up teeth?”  The Yakuza wants to know.

“Just kidding!”  Deaton replies.  “He wasn’t.  And I just made you touch Kanaima goo.  Nana-Nana- NOO NOO!”

touch it

good pot

“I wonder how high I would get if I smoked all of this?”

Dr. Deaton blows the most powerful man in Japan a raspberry, as the latter lies on the floor dumbfounded and motionless, trying to figure out what the f*&k just happened to him, and how he wound up on a teen television show as the nameless patsy, as opposed to in a Martial Arts movie as the main villain, where he clearly belongs.  Then, Dr. Does-Slightly-More-Than-a-Little (at least this week) pockets some Nogitsu-Stiles killing weeds, and heads back to America on JetBlue, like the BAMF he is .  . .

nighty night

“Suck on that, Eddie Murphy!”

The Electric Slide – It’s Not Just a Lame Dance You Did in Middle School Anymore .  . .

shine the light

You can’t see it, IT’S ELECTRIC! Woonky, Wonky, wonky . . .

Meanwhile, halfway across the world, only mere minutes have passed since we last saw Kira, who is still dancing with a pesky livewire outside the hospital.   Please kiddies, do NOT try this at home!

live wire

its electric

electrifying

Cue the slew of dying extras, who moronically step out of the cars into puddles of water, and do the Electric Slide all the way to the morgue (which is very conveniently located, seeing as this all happens right outside the hospital).

dead 1

“Ooh an electric puddle.  I think I’ll step in it!”

bye bye

“Me too!  Electric puddles are awesome and not at all dangerous!”

Remember those cartoons you used to watch, when you were a kid, where the guy showed his lady love how chivalrous he was, by taking off his coat and putting it in a puddle of water, just so that the woman he secretly wanted to bone wouldn’t have to suffer the indignity of having wet feet?

chivalry-quiz-0208-de

Well, Isaac, bless his heart, takes this whole chivalry thing, even one step further, by getting electrocuted for Allison, just so she didn’t have to suffer the indignity of getting her hair fried and looking like this . . .

einstein

not going to end well

to save her

to save her 2

to save her 3

“This idea played out a whole lot better in my head.”

So romantic!

Then, Kira does some show-offy backflips over cars . . .

flippy

“Situations where the entire town is in danger are the best times for me to practice my gymnastics!”

 . . .verrrrryyy SLOWWWWWW-LY sucks up all the electricity into her fist to the tune of Dramatic Music, and becomes a hospital hero . . .

glowy eyes

“I bet if you put your iPhone on my forehead, I can charge it for you!”

(Though I’m sure Dead Extra’s 1, 2, 3 and Isaac are probably wishing she did a few less backflips, and chose a slightly snappier Heroic Theme Song, since her doing so would have prevented them from suffering the indignity of frying like bacon).

2 3 bacon

isaac scarf

“Thanks a lot, Foxy!”

Nonetheless, Scott and Derek are understandably enthralled.  After all seeing Kira perform this feat brings back fond memories for both of them . . .

super hot

“That was really hot, and gave me the strange compulsion to suck my thumb and then stick it in an electrical socket.”

Like the time that Scott verrrry SLOWWWLLLY popped a bubble with his mind . . .

bigger bubble

. . .  and the time that Derek verrrry SLLOWLLLY allowed two wacked out baby werewolves to beat the shit out of him, so that they wouldn’t beat the sht out of his girlfriend, who ended up being a Skeletor-faced psycho killer, anyway.

torn up derek 1

Who is on Team Nogitsune?

Many of you Werebangers have speculated that Nogitsu-Stiles is not acting alone.   Granted, his repeated use of the word “We” when making his villainous speeches, could just be an annoying habit . . . like those awful people who always talk about themselves in the third person.

eye roll jackson

But it could also mean that he’s acting in tandem with someone else . . . a second Trojan Horse . . . one who is still hiding dormant behind enemy lines .  . .

two allisons

Like for example, the Hot New Deputy, who instantly insisted that the “Mysterious Package” delivered to the Sheriff’s office contained nothing but “harmless batteries and flashlights.”  (How many Fedex Delivery guys do you know, who inform you what’s inside their packages before they give them to you?)

mysterious package

“I thought you were about to comment on how huge my package is.  And I was going to tell you all about how with good diet and exercise, anyone can have a really large package, even you Sheriff.  But, then again, maybe it all comes down to good genes.”  

condom 2

condom 3

And what about Allison?  The only member of Scott’s pack, who has yet to be marked by the Oni as her “Self”  . . . the woman getting mysterious messages from Japanese internment camps, who, like Stiles, is being haunted by her darker other half . . . a woman who seemed EXTREMELY INTERESTED in Scott’s pain-sucking abilities when he went to visit Isaac, and who made a point of holding his hand tightly, while the wolf did his Arm Fondle Thing . . .

look at is

holding hands again

taking pain

allison tear heir of slytherin

“Maybe I should touch his butt again.  It made him stronger last time!”

bacon issac

“I really hope she touches my ass again.  That will solve all my problems.”

Just sayin . . .

“Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Possessed by an Evil Spirit Who Wants You Dead.”

At school, Kira suggests that Nogitsu-Stiles may be terrorizing Beacon Hills as part of some Long-Con Revenge Plot, for wrongs perpetrated against him long ago . . .  Riiiight, because we’ve never seen THAT before, on this show?  Have we . . .

matt and ma

evil jenny

In the men’s locker room, a woefully fully dressed Scott and Alpha twins (I thought nudity in the locker room was a requirement on this show.   What gives, Jeff Davis?) are summoned to the school basement by the sound of an emitter held by none other than Stiles Stilinski . . .

trust me

“I come in peace.”

But WHICH Stiles Stilinski is it?

good witch or bad witch

Will the real Stiles Shady please stand up?

more dancing stiles

Stiles assures his pals that he’s the Good Stiles.  And they instantly believe him, for no other reason than that the kid is just so doggone cute with his spiky hair and blue flannel shirt.  And because this particular portion of the pack are not exactly its “A” students, if you catch my drift . . .

no idea what im doing

“Stiles” shows the crew his alter ego’s “Big Ole Bag’ O Mischief,” and they look at him like he’s the Leprechaun who’s just shown them the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

plans

lucky charms guy

And while this Stiles may, in fact, be a Leprechaun, of sorts, I don’t think he’s one of the Lucky Charms Variety . . . More like This Guy .  . .

“Mrs. Robinson Martin, are you trying to seduce me?”

In the film, The Graduate, a young Dustin Hoffman gets nookie from two beautiful ginger-headed ladies, who just so happen to be mother and daughter.

trying to seduce you

Peter Hale is equally slutty.  Just half a season ago, he was posing as his teenage self, and locking lips with Lydia.  Now, he seems to be putting the moves on her mommy.  Or is he?

looking at you kid

smug

“This is the most action I got, since Klaus drowned me in the fountain on The Vampire Diaries!”

Upon speaking to her mother, Lydia gets the impression that Peter, with his cryptic talk of “hearing tests,” is using her mother to get to the aurally-attuned banshee, herself . . .

narcissistic teens

. . . because seducing  a child through the woman that gave birth to her isn’t creepy at all!

Dumb like fox!

It’s Trickster Spirit – 3, Wolf Pack- 0, when, mere hours after electrifying the hospital, Nogitsu-Stiles (1) frames Papa Argent and Derek for Silverfinger’s “Murder” still not sure that guy is actually dead, by planting the money from the “weapon sale” in the Argent’s house; and (2) buries a metal chain in the ground near the school cross country field to distract Coach Crackhead, from the trip wire and poison-tipped arrow lying in wait for the comic relief character, right in the middle of the woods.

the chain

is this the trap

“Let me guess, this is another one of those times when you give me a present, I open it, and something falls on my head, right?”

stabbed

“Not quite, Coach.”

this hurts a little

“Sh*t, I knew I should have gone to Clown College instead of becoming a teacher!”

But hey, at least we got a little makeout time between Danny and Ethan, for all our troubles, right?

i think i love you

 

“The nogitsune is probably going to murder us all anyway, so we might as well have a little fun now, while we are still alive!”

 

into it

Speaking of which, Danny, you ignorant slut?  Aren’t you supposed to be back with your ex?  What are you doing making out with your serial killing other ex?

Still playing “defense,” Scott absorbs a bleeding (and very whiny) Coach Crackhead’s pain, while Papa Argent and Derek become unlikely allies / co-defendants in a quest to find out the Real Reason they find themselves in handcuffs, while trapped at a police station.

give him air

 

the finger

 

make peace

 

“Is it at least a middle finger?  Because it would be a heck of a lot funnier if a middle finger framed us for murder?”

“I’m the spark that lit your fire, sweetheart.”

lit your fire

 

he's insane

Peter shamelessly hits on the still-underage Lydia, while Allison stands by for moral support (with a few weapons up her sleeve, just in case).  Uncle Alpha informs Lydia that his bite is responsible for bringing out her banshee abilities, which he seems to know quite a bit about, for someone who spent most of season 2 decomposing in the dirt, like a very tall, recently stomped-on earthworm . . .

heard party

For example, Peter tells Lydia that the real gift of the banshee is not its scream, but its exceptional supernatural   hearing ability.   The scream merely blocks out other sounds to make hearing the dead more possible.

lyd screams

 

“Everybody stop talking,  Can’t you see I’m trying to think?”

Of course, with Peter, there’s always a catch.  And this one involves Lydia communing with the nasty fingernails extracted from Derek’s mom’s dead body, which apparently contain within them a memory Mama Hale extracted from Peter Hale’s scull before she died . . .

stole a memory

Meanwhile back at school . . .

“There’s a Bomb on the Bus”

Apparently, Nogitsu-Stiles planted a gift-wrapped bomb on a school bus and handed it to none-other than Puking Jared from the Motel California episode . . .

not happy

(Poor Puking Jared, for a kid with a chronic case of bus sickness, he sure seems to spend more time on a bus then any other character on this show.)

not throw up

If only Keanu Reeves were here.  He’d know what to do for sure!

Instead, we have that creepy deputy, who decides that moments before Puking Jared’s head is blown off is the perfect time to give him beauty secrets on how to keep youthful dewy skin, well past the ancient age of 24.

you look really

 

handsome thank you

 

Umm . . . I think he was going to say “modest.”  You look really “modest,” and not self-absorbed at all.

“Hey Pretty Green-Eyed Douchebag!  You keep talking, and Puking Jared won’t have any skin left on his face to protect!”

Keanu Reeves would never make us listen to annoying shit like that, moments before we were supposed to die.  Partly because Keanu Reeves is a cyborg incapable of emoting.

matrix1

Fortunately, as it turns out, there isn’t actually a bomb on the bus.  It’s nothing but a crafty ruse.  A ruse that Nogitsu-Stiles put into motion to distract the Sheriff’s Department from the location of the Real Bomb . . .

stilinski

 

“Hey look!  Puking Jared bought you a new name placard for your office.   Wasn’t that nice of him?”

We know this instinctively because this “Trojan Horse” is wrapped in blue ribbon, which Stiles, himself, has explained has no real purpose, apart from just being “pretty.”

blue just pretty

Hint: it was planted in a box that was supposedly filled with “harmless batteries,” and brought to a place where Derek Hale and Papa Argent are currently under investigation for a murder they didn’t commit . . .

explosions

Telling “Tails”

Where would you hide your deepest darkest secrets?  Talia hid hers in her gross chopped off nails, which for some inexplicable reason revealed to Lydia that the werecoyote from The Secret Circle is actually Peter Hale’s daughter.

controlling nails

 

“Take that, bad manicure!”

not just an uncle

comparison

Kira’s mom hid hers in a book . . . probably because most of the students at Beacon Hills High are functional illiterates.  Though Kira may not have nine tails yet, her mother does . . . or at least she did, before Nogitsu-Stiles Firefly Fried five of them.

hidden tails

 

the tale

Since when do foxtails look like Shredder from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

teenage-mutant-ninja-turtles-3

 

“Go Ninja, go ninja, GO!”

No wonder she keeps them locked away in a book.  Having nine Shredders attached to your ass on a daily basis would hurt like a bitch!

eyes doing thing

Speaking of things that hurt like a bitch, this couldn’t have felt good for Derek or Papa Argent, who were almost exploded by Nogitsu-Stiles, but just barely escaped with their lives . . .

the rescue again

 

you're ok im ok

(By the way, I found it interesting that Derek was willing to risk his life to save the life of the guy who spent most of Season 1 trying to murder him.  Does anyone else think that Derek’s magical dream talk with Talia involved her predicting his own untimely demise?  Between offering sage advice to Scott, to risking his life for people he doesn’t like very much, Muscles McWolf sure seems like I guy whose just been given a Death Sentence?)

internet derek 1

If only the same could be said for This Guy . . .

friday yet

 

“Is it Friday yet?”

But hey, at least he got to get his arm fondled by Scott, before he Walked into the White Light . . .

fonde fondle

There are worse ways to go, honestly . . .

It was a dark and stormy night . . .

In Beacon Hills it rains a bunch . . .  the better to endure intense chase scenes where-in the firefly guys attempt to murder “Stiles” and his friends fight gamely to protect him.

big bad oni

But who are they REALLLLLY PROTECTING?

Inside the vet’s office, Nogitsu-Stiles reveals his true colors.  And they are EVEEEEEEELLLLLL SEXY!  He knocks out Kira, and digs the Oni sword deeper into his bestie’s tummy, as he monolgues about all the pain he manipulated Scott into sucking up that day . . . pain that could give the Nogitsune more power.  (But how did Nogitsu-Stiles know about Scott sucking up Isaac’s pain, when he wasn’t there to witness it?  Or was he . . . at least in spirit?)

arm twist

Then, this happens, and I’m pretty sure it’s the closest Virginal Stiles has ever come to an honest-to-goodness orgasm caused by something other than his right hand.  (Hey, even psychotic fox possession has its benefits, right?)

tickle finge

 

twisty

 

give it to me

 

even more

 

orgasm face

 

was it as good for you

 

“Was it as good for you, as it was for me, Scott?”

that was amazing

“Virgin,schmirgin, you are so much better at this than Allison ever was!”

Talk about getting off on pain!  That Nogitsu-Stiles is one sadomasochistic b*tch, isn’t he?  That couple from 50 Shades of Grey has nothing on him!

sex me now 2

But lest you worry too much about the safety our resident Hot Girl, Scott . . .

hot girl

. . . help is on the way!  The Fox is subdued, poisoned by the same green leafy weed we saw Deaton leach from the Yakuza’s yard less than 40 minutes prior?

have some weed

 

“Enjoy some Japanese Ganja, Nogitsu-Stiles!”

that's some good shit

“That’s some good sh*t!”

And all is safe and right in Beacon Hills?  But for how long?

dont trust the fox

Next week on Teen Wolf, Nogitsu-Stiles winds up in the Loony Bin, which is precisely where Lydia predicted he’d be.   He claims being locked up will keep the world safe from his trickster ass.  But what if this mental institution, a possible former sight for a Japanese Internment camp is precisely where Nogitsu-Stiles wants to be?  What if getting committed is nothing more than another Trojan Horse move from our crafty fox?

Until next time, Werebangers!

winky stiles

8 Comments

Filed under Teen Wolf

The Shadow Knows . . . – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Riddled”

stiles in strife

 

honeybadger dont care

Source

“The Riddler” . . . not exactly one of  the Batman franchise’s most impressive villains.  For one thing, he seemed totally redundant.  I mean, why would Gotham need another “Joker-type” when it already had the Best Joker Ever?

good at something

Second, “The Riddler’s” modus operandi was basically asking his adversaries inane questions . . . making him seem much less like a Denizen of Evil, and much more like your Annoying High School Algebra Teacher . . .

old riddler

But, more than anything, “The Riddler” just looked lame . . .  with the scrawny body, the bad ginger haircut,  the head-to-toe neon green spandex suit with those stupid question marks all over it.  This was a man meant to evoke fear in the hearts of comic book geeks the world over?  He looked more like an out-of-shape cage dancer you’d find working at a gay nightclub catering to the over-70 crowd .  . .

gay dancing riddler

Teen Wolf too has had problems in the past creating truly terrifying looking baddies.  I mean, they always got off to a promising start.  Who could forget the mesmeric druid chanting of the Darach . . . the growls of the Alpha pack and the bloody marks they left in their wake .  . . or hushed talk of the unstoppable, all powerful Demon Wolf?

demon wolf

But then, when these evil doers finally made their way to center stage, their appearances were . . . well .  . . a bit underwhelming, to say the least . . .

cyber smurf

voldemorteet

funny face grandpa

In a sense, Season 3B’s Big Baddie is a comment on all the poorly executed villains of Teen Wolf past.  He’s a Riddler done right .  . .

whose behind the mask

Sure, just like a certain Batman character, the Nogitsune speaks in puzzle, using his words as weapons.  His war against the Scooby Gang is one waged, not on it’s body, but rather against it’s mind, soul and, perhaps most importantly, it’s heart.

crying stiles

But unlike the Baddies before him, the Nogitsune’s appearance is truly terrifying, mainly because it has no appearance at all!  By lingering in the darkness,  and shrouding itself in shadow, the Nogitsune becomes no one and everyone all at once.  He (or she) embodies all of our deepest most secret fears, and tosses them back at us in the form of a mirror showing us our darkest, most despicable, selves  . . .

whose behind the mask 2

He also has really f*&ked up teeth . . . and f&*ked up teeth are the worst .  . .

nogitsune teeth

So, come out of the shadows, Werebangers; and be sure to bring your thinking caps . . .  and some dentures,  because it’s time to get “Riddled” . . .

[Once again, a special thanks go out to Andre the Most Powerful and Talented Screencapper in all the Land . . . also the first person I would call at 4 a.m., if I ever found myself trapped in a coyote den having schizophrenic conversations with myself . . .]

Wish you were here . . .

Poor Stiles!  He’s on a Bad Trip.  And I’m not talking about the usual garden-variety bad trip . . . the kind where the pillow smells like feet, the blanket has bed bugs, the pool is being fumigated, the baby in the room next store won’t stop crying, and you are positive the housekeeping staff is stealing your toiletries.  I’m talking about the Wrong Turn, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, House of Wax, Evil Dead kind of Bad Trip . . .  the kind that usually ends with you rotting away in a forest, missing a few of your most prized body parts . . .

crawling

 

panic now

Stiles wakes up in the middle of the night to find himself in a dark, fetid smelling place, with no clue where he is or how he got there.  What’s worse,  he’s injured and can’t escape.  What’s even worse than that?  He’s pretty sure he’s not alone . . .

wake uppppp stiles

Stiles still has his trusty cell phone though!  And in Beacon Hills, even the Depths of Hell, apparently, get pretty decent cell reception.  So, Stiles does what any of us would do in a situation like this.  He calls . . . The Hottest Girl.

hot girl

Even under the best of circumstances, Scott is not exactly a brainchild.  And he’s hindered here by a sleep-fogged mind, and the almost incoherent,garbled ramblings of a confused and clearly terrified Stiles.   But Scott still does his honest best to keep his bestie calm, and find out the information he needs to find his pal quickly, and keep him from harm.

wazzuuuup

wazzup

The problem, of course, is that the call keeps getting disconnected!  And whenever Scott calls him back, it goes straight to voicemail!   Time to switch to Verizon, Scott!  (Hmmm, I wonder if I can get product placement money for saying that.)

can you hear me now scott

hear me now

 

 

Scott wakes up the new Robin to his Batman (who also happens to be currently boning his ex), Isaac, so that the two can be useless and ineffective together in finding their pal.  (You know what they say, two half-brains is better than one!)

i think i just

“I think I just pissed my self.”

orly

“Me too!”

But Stiles is no dummy.  He knows that if he wants to increase his odds of being found, he has get someone with above-average IQ on the case as well.  And so we head to Beacon Hills High, where Lydia and Aiden are engaged in some Sexy Naked Painting Times to the tune of Sexy Retro Music from not-so-retro Bose Speakers, without the threat of being found by school security, because,  as Lydia rightly notes,  “No one in their right mind would take a nightshift job at the High School Where All Extras Die Gory and Painful Deaths.”

thinker

 

the_thinker

 

lydia smirk

 

“Screw this Banshee Crime Fighting Sh*t.  I’m going to art school!”

And then, just when it seems like things are about to get a little X Rated, Stiles, whose possession by the Nogitsune has apparently armed him with Magical Cockblocking Abilities, chimes through the speakers with a Very Important Message: DON’T HAVE SEX WITH THAT DOOFUS FORMER ALPHA AGAIN, WHEN YOU COULD BE TAKING MY VIRGINITY FROM ME. “HELP FIND ME!”

sexy time

artschool

standing

bose

 

hi stiles

 

“Hey Lydia!  It’s me . . . Stiles .  . . climbing through your speakers . . . snatching up your sex life.  The usual.”

Come quick, Lydia/ Daphne!  Stiles/Velma and the rest of your Scooby Gang need you!

dammit

deflated balloon

The Cats in the Cradle

You ever play that game when you were a kid?  The one where you and a friend would hold a single string together, and use it to form a series of unrelated images, the chief of which being a baby cradle, and a cat’s eye, which all somehow wove together to tell a very abstract, loosely defined, story?

ep 9 obviously stiles

There’s a bit of childlike innocence in Stiles’ obsession with the red yarn, and his use of it to weave together “unsolved cases” in Beacon Hills.  It’s almost as if there’s a part of Stiles that believes that by physically connecting a series of unrelated incidents together with a strand of yarn, he can somehow forge a literal connection between them.

pulling strings

It’s also kind of f*&ked up.  Seeing the strands of red yarn, each connecting  from a gruesome picture on his bedside wall to his bedpost, one can’t help but be reminded of every episode of Law and Order: SVU she ever saw, where the bad guy inevitably gave away his identity by having similarly lousy taste in room decoration.

crazy board

4 12 psycho handbook

 

But, as Lydia notes when she and the Scooby Gang convene in Stiles’ yarn-warped bedroom, Stiles’ Yarn Art may very well be more than a childish pipedream, or even the workings of a diseased mind.  Stiles may be offering his friends up a clue to all the wacked out things that have happened in the town over the past few years.  Could the Nogitsune be the cause of all of them?  Could the Nemeton?

likes you  a lot

 

the picture 1

 

the picture 2

 

evil tree

 

After rightly lecturing Scott for listening to an addled-brained Stiles’ advice,  and not telling the teen’s own father he’s missing, Lydia decides to remain behind, amidst the yarn of Stiles’ psyche, in hopes that she alone might be able to decipher the message her partner in crime has been desperately trying to convey.

red unsolved

 

colored strings

If only Stiles was around to see how easy it was to get Lydia to more spend time on his bed . . .

teen wolf allison argent stiles

It’s Just Me, Myself, and I

With the flashlight app from his cellphone casting the only light in his world of darkness, and his foot bare and bloodied inside a coyote trap, Stiles’ schizophrenia / multiple personality disorder / existential crisis gets a bit more literal,  when a bandaged figure crouched in the corner of Stiles’ prison, scratches the Oni “Self” tattoo onto the wall in white chalk, in between what appears to be two crude drawings of eyes.  Then the figure cackles demonically and disappears, as the “self” mark evaporates, and Stiles is left alone with nothing but his smelly bloody feet and those pesky judgy eyes . . .

shin light

 

“Hey buddy, you got a first aid kit in here?  I could really use a band-aid?”

bloody foot

 

ust chillin

 

“No bandaid.  Just the entire roll of toilet paper wrapped around my head.”

disappearing self

damon dont judge

But who is Stiles’ true Self anyway?  Is he the scared kid lying on the floor in the middle of the night?  The crazy kid with all the yarn over his bed?  The goofy guy who everyone thought was funny, but no one took seriously?  The smart guy who solves all the mysteries for the Scooby Gang?  Or the freaky guy with toilet paper wrapped around his head, who draws all his “S’s” backwards?

ep 5 more oral fixation stiles tyler

And just like that, this show just got a whole lot more Meta . . .

Wack-a-doodle

It’s kind of refreshing to see that Scott’s douchey dad has become the Town Joke, after he spent the first few episodes trying to make Stiles’ dad look like the crazy one.  With his jacket wrapped around him like a cape, due to his broken arm, Papa McCall storms into the Sheriff’s office and tries to give the new deputy hell for not following up on his description of the “Caped Crusader” that massacred his arm last week.

daddy o

The Deputy smiles smugly as he inclines his head toward the two Wanted Posters behind him, both of which look more like those “Learn to Draw Cartoon” advertisements you find in the back of comic books, than renderings of actual criminal masterminds.  One picture looks like a cross between a Cowboy and a Pirate.  The other looks like a cross between a Ninja and Darth Vader.

haha

 

darth vader

“Hey dipshit,” the Deputy tells Agent McCall, more or less.  “Maybe if you pulled your head out of your ass long enough to listen to the police radio, every once in a while, you’d know that nobody gives two craps about the Ninja that clipped your wing, when the Sheriff’s son has gone missing on the coldest night of the year . . . .”

going to die

At the hospital, the cops have located Stiles’ jeep, but it’s been abandoned and the batteries are dead.  Surprisingly enough, it’s Derek of all people, who makes himself the most useful, by smelling Stiles’ body odor on the rooftop of the hospital, and concluding that he smells “stressed.”

on the roof sniffing

 

“Smells like Teen Spirit.”

Well thank you, Captain Obvious!   I’m glad you are here to tell me he’s stressed.  Because the last five times we’ve seen Stiles on screen, he’s seemed downright chipper to me!

winky stiles

In all seriousness though, Derek wins MVP of this episode for being the first member of the Scooby Gang to correctly ascertain that Stiles is struggling for control of his body against the Nogitsune trying to possess it, and make it do  Very Bad Things!  He proves himself further useful later, by explaining to Kira that her Electric Light Show with Barrow might have been the precise spark the Nogitsune needed to make that possession possible.

derek to andre

 

“I rule!”

Hey Sterek fans?  Do you think it’s possible that Secret Sex has the ability to transfer IQ points?  Because Derek seems to have gone and become intelligent on us all of the sudden?  Who’dda thunk it?

sterek next to eachother

 

“Was it as good for you as it was for me?”

Back on Stiles’ bed,  Lydia decides to play banjo with Stiles’ Crazy Strings,  and somehow comes up with the idea that Stiles might be trapped in an insane asylum.  Why? Because the Crazy Strings told her so!

touching string

Dear sweet Lydia,  Stiles might not be the only one who ends up trapped in an insane asylum by the end of this season.

now im crazy gg plotholes

On the bright side, the two of you could share a cell, and spend your days drawing one another crazy pictures!  Now, if that’s not True Love, I don’t know what is!

lyd and sty

stydia kiss 6

 

Ooh, how embarrassing!  Lydia gets the entire police force to search for Stiles in the basement of the insane asylum and he was never there!

not there

lydia brave tatikatelena

Or was he . . . .?

self

 

mischeivous stiles

My What Big Teeth You Have?

Alter Egos can be a real pain in the ass, sometimes.  And Stiles’ alter ego is the worst!  First of all, Dude doesn’t shut up.  Yammering on in Japanese, then English, then Japanese again, spouting off stupid riddles that no one cares about.  “When is a door not a door?”  “Everyone has it but no one can use it?”  “Hey,  watch my magic trick, where I make the trap on your foot switch legs!”

stiles alphabet 1 allisonargents

 

stiles alphabet2 allisonargents

What a douchebag!

He’s basically the kid from the Jerry MacGuire movie, only slightly less adorable . . .

Then, he gets all up in Stiles face with his  janky teeth and bad breath,  and tells him that “we” have to save ourselves, or “we” are going to die.

 

2 16 damon says stop talking

Now, that’s just rude.   There’s no “we” about Stiles Situation.  Bad Teeth Guy doesn’t have his leg trapped in a coyote trap?  Bad Teeth Guy is warm and cozy in his rotten bandages, so HE’S NOT FREEZING TO DEATH in a thin cotton t-shirt.  Bad Teeth Guy can just get up and leave anytime he pleases.

In fact, he’s doing it right now, dragging Stiles across the floor, like it’s no big deal.

shut up

 

“This is really not very sanitary!”

Outside of Hell, Papa McCall has somehow used his vital life experiences of getting drunk and peeing in closets, because he was convinced they were toilets, to find Stiles in a coyote den.

Wait, what?  Did I miss a connection here?

here's a story about my pee

 

“So, basically, what I’m trying to say is that, all this time you thought I was just a bastard and a bad drunk, I was really a super hero whose pee possessed magical powers.”

So, according to Papa McCall, Stiles was sleepwalking and wandered right into the coyote den, where they found the pretty chick from The Secret Circle a few episodes back, and where the cops apparently sprayed some stinky stuff, to keep the animals, but not the Nogitsune, at bay.  And the poor guy’s basically been sleeping this whole time.  In fact, he may very well have been sleeping all through Season 3B.

rescued

That’s fine.  But it doesn’t explain the abandoned jeep, or the stinky sweat smell on the hospital roof .  . . or the Crazy Strings, or the “S” on the insane asylum wall, or what it was about Papa McCall’s laundry basket that made it look so much like his toilet . . .

gameovertoiletBig

Color me confused . . .

BatMan Strikes Again . . .

Derek wanders into Beacon Hills High, as he is wont to do on occasion, hijacks Kira, and takes her back to the site of her almost-electrocution.

kira and derek

Ahhhh . . . memories!  There, they find Stiles’ Magical Metal Bat, which has been magnetized and possibly possessed by evil demons, much like Stiles’ brain .. .

bat the bat

im batman haa

Speaking of Stiles’ brain, back at the hospital, Mama McCall finally breaks the news to Papa Stilinski that his son might be suffering from the same degenerative brain disorder that killed his mother ten years earlier.  Papa Stilinski is understandably devastated, but admits he’s been suspecting the same thing for quite awhile.   They agree to have some tests done at the hospital.

sad dad

 

“I think I liked it better when my son was solely used on this show for comic relief.”

Not cool, Teen Wolf writers.  Stiles’ brain is too cute to be fried, scrambled,  hard boiled, or sunny side up, maybe.  But never fried!

broken eggs

Fix this, Jeff Davis!  And fix it fast!  Or I’ll personally see to it that all your breakfast bacon is burnt for all eternity!

gives me joy

S.O.S. – Save Our Stiles

As Stiles waits to endure his MRI, he and Scott speak honestly about his possible condition: frontal temporal dementia, which is basically incurable . . . unless, of course, you have a powerful Alpha Werewolf Friend with the power to bite your brain, and make it healthy again.  The two lifelong best friends embrace, as their parents look-on sadly, in this quietly devastating scene that is possibly one of the series’ strongest to date . . .

bromance

A word about frontal temporal dementia . . . After reading a bit about it, am I the only one who thinks the symptoms don’t seem all that consistent with Stiles’ and his mother’s at all?

great cap

For one thing, they both seem much too young,  considering the disease tends to afflict most individuals in their 50s and 60s, while Stiles is still a teenager, and his mother passed in her early 30s.  For another, sleep paralysis, hallucinations, insomnia, none of these are listed as common symptoms of frontal temporal dementia.  In fact, they are more common symptoms of other diseases . . . like, say, a brain tumor . . .

not a tumor

So, now I’m thinking that either Jeff Davis an Co., didn’t do their web MD homework, before choosing their character’s ailments, or BOTH Stiles and his mom never had frontal temporal dementia at all.  Rather, they are/were both suffering from something else .  . . something everyone has but no one can lose . . . the Shadow of the Nogitsune.

crying stiles in hos

Though,  I guess the MRI they show of Stiles’ brain toward the end of the episode would beg to differ with me . . .

thanks mommy the mri

What do I know, I’m not a doctor . . . I’m just the recapper.

doctor-bot-operation

Speaking of symptoms . . .

Lydia appears to be suffering from a really bad migraine.

lyd screams

Did I say migraine?  I meant MRI / brain hijacking sympathy pains for Stiles.

 

It’s not easy being a banshee . . .

In which the Bad Guys Win . . .

Inside the MRI machine, Stiles faces off with Toilet Paper Head, FINALLY solves that stupid riddle (“It’s a SHADOW, DAMMIT!”), and gets to meet the man behind the Charmin for all his trouble.

eyes open

And the guy dressed up in the lame Mummy Halloween costume with the funky-looking teeth is .  . .

great shot

toilet paper on floor

good stiles

STILES?!

bad stiles more

 

BabyScared

Wait . . . what?

take off shadow

So, Stiles has an evil doppelganger?  What is this The Vampire Diaries?  All I know is if someone starts talking about “Saving Elena” I’m changing the channel . . .

shadow self

All kidding aside, Evil Stiles is both super cool, and extremely terrifying.  Real Stiles could stand to take a few notes from this guy . . . what with his sexy Bad Guy Walk, and sly self confidence.  Lydia would f*&k Evil Stiles in a heart beat . . .

no thank you

 

stydia big 2

By the way, I’d totally watch the HBO version of this show, in which Stiles and Evil Stiles engage in a threesome with Banshee Lydia . . .  Now, that would give her a good reason to scream .  . .

not an orgy - Copy

Back on the roof of the hospital, Derek and Scott learn that Real Stiles and his stinky stress sweat, ultimately lost the battle with Evil Stiles and the pair ended up electrifying the entire power grid of the hospital, all  while Real Stiles was supposedly “dreaming” in the smelly coyote den.

explosion

Take that, Papa McCall . . .

electrifying

Elsewhere in the hospital, Evil Stiles attempts to make his escape, only to be encountered by the two remaining Oni he didn’t kill in last week’s episode, and their fearless leader . . . Kira’s mom?

bamf

 

honeybadger dont care

 

It’s a pretty cool scene, actually, with Kira’s mom all sophisticated and self-righteous, “I’ll kill you, even if you are hiding inside the most popular character on Teen Wolf!”   She threatens coolly.

stiles doesn't care

 

bored now

Evil Stiles shrugs it off, throwing some major shade in the direction of his elder.  “Bring it on, Firefly B*tch,” he responds, before casually walking out of a hospital that’s about to be completely electrified.  In other words, Nogitsune Stiles is the Honey Badger . . . basically . . .

Outside the hospital, a stray electrified wire almost kills Kira . . .

foxfire

ah no

 

surprised-face

Somehow, I think the Girl on Fire will make it out just fine .  . .

Speaking of girls Scott wants to bone, Allison seems to be on a completely different show from everybody else.  She slept through Stiles’ entire ordeal.   And now she’s getting telephone messages from Fake Japanese Internment Camps?  (By the way, for an honestly brilliant theory about the Nogitsune’s true identity that actually connects to Allison’s bizarro subplot, check THIS out . . .)

two allisons

Evil Stiles is unamused . . .

unamused

Next time on Teen Wolf . . .

Until next time, Werebangers!

stiles with wolf hat

5 Comments

Filed under Teen Wolf

Hello Darkness, My Old Friend – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Silverfinger”

whose behind the mask

 

whose behind the mask 2

 

Source

Konnichiwa, Werebangers!  This past week, on a heavily Eastern Mythology-inspired episode of Teen Wolf, Scott and Kira read a children’s book together . . .

reading

 

“I’m not a great reader.  But I’m very good at looking at pictures.”

Isaac dressed up like one of the bad guys from The Matrix . . .

gotta wear shades

 

agent smith

 

Lydia . .  . did nothing, because she wasn’t in the episode.

not an orgy - Copy

And in earth-shattering, climactic news, Stiles . . .

stiles key

. . . killed a firefly.

raaaid

 

Perhaps, more than any episode in the 3B block, “Silverfinger” was, at its heart, an origin story.  Nothing fleshes out a hero more than a Great Origin Story.  It shows us what drives and motivates this character . . . how he came to be the living, breathing entity you are watching on screen.

alpha now

But what about the Villain?  Too often writers don’t care enough about their villains to give them a satisfactory Origin Story.  Rather, their motivations for wreaking havoc are hastily explained in the moments before their demise at the hands of the hero.

kind of dead

Writers neglect their villains at their peril.  Because the viewing public loves a solid villain, one with specific dreams, goals and disappointments, beyond the usual “Plans for World Domination.”  Cool villains like the The Joker, Loki,  and Magneto make their protagonist counterparts more interesting, and their inevitable final encounters more epic.  In short,  it’s  the ultimate love / hate relationship . . . a twisted romance of sorts.

312 homerangeldevil

Now, I’m not saying that the Oni and Nogitsune we met this week, are particularly well fleshed out yet.  I mean, we aren’t even sure what the latter looks like.  And though there are five of the former, we still can’t tell them apart . . .kind of like those pesky not-so-Alpha twins.  Yet both of these baddies,  actually have fairly solid motivations for doing what they do.

look into my firefly eyes

 

“It’s complicated.”

The Oni are kind of like cops.  As far as they are concerned, the Nogitsune is seriously bad dude, a dark spirit that infects society with evil.  Is it so wrong them, for these guys to hunt it down and try to destroy it?  I mean, they are even learning from past mistakes and trying to minimize harm.  Back in the day, they used to just kill everybody, in hopes that one of them would be the Nogitsune.

bloody knife

 

“In hindsight, we might have overreacted just a bit.”

But now they test people first.  If they aren’t evil, they get a nice little neck tattoo and can go on their merry way.  That’s a pretty humane practice for a bunch of so-called super villains?  Don’t you think?

nodding oh yeah

As for the Nogitsune, we’re told he’s this awful guy.  But so far, all he’s been doing is hiding from the Oni and trying his best to stay alive.  Wouldn’t each of us do the same thing, if some pesky fire fly guys were trying to kill us?

derek body

See . . . it’s all a matter of perspective, folks.  Let’s keep that in mind as we review, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to my Evil Genius Screencapper Andre,who is deftly plotting his path toward World Domination, one screenshot of shirtless men at a time . . .]

A Long Time Ago, We Used to Be Friends . . .

When Papa Argent first encountered the Oni (i.e. the new word we learned this week for the Firefly Guys), he wasn’t the badass Mr. Mom he is today.  Rather, he was a strapping young arms dealer, just trying to please his old man, by striking a deal with the Japanese Mafia.

attractive

 

“I’m way too attractive not to get my own prequel . . .”

Enter the Oni, whose idea of successfully closing a deal is killing everyone on the other side of it.

what the heck is that

 

say-hello-to-my-little-friend-al-pacino-scarface-poster

 

eyes doing thing

 

“Say hello to your intestines leaking out of your body.”

What a waste of some seriously swanky suits!

And then there was one left . . . and, as luck would have it, he was the one the Oni were searching for all along.

nogitsune

 

“I feel pretty.  Oh so pretty.  I feel pretty and witty and bright.  And I pity any yakuza who isn’t me tonight!”

feed me

This one supposedly had a dark spirit inside of him, and some awesome magical powers. But the only thing “impressive” I saw about him was impossibly large teeth and some bad cataracts.  He growled and made a lot of noise, but ultimately Nogitsune 1 died without putting up much of a fight.

king of the world

 

not really sir

 

“When are people going to learn that throwing your arms out and embracing the world pretty much guarantees you aren’t going to make it out of the end credits alive.”

Or did he?  Because I have this sneaking suspicion that a very important part of this story is missing.  And the Ole Horse Teeth was nothing more than a pawn in the Real Nogitsune’s game . . .

let you save my life stiles

But, of course, we can forgive Papa Argent for being a bit hazy on the details.  After all, he was young (and hot) and spent most of the experience peeing himself behind a rock . . .

Then Young Papa Argent shot an Oni in the mask, and learned he had no face, which pretty much makes the Oni the Japanese Cousins of the soul-sucking Dementors from Harry Potter . . .

dementor

This little distraction allowed Little Papa Argent to escape  .  . .

Not satisfied with Papa Argent’s explanation of the leather suit-wearing freaks currently trying to murder them all, the Scooby Gang decide to gather additional intel from some old bald Japanese Yoda-like guy, who conveniently also survived the great Yakuza Massacre of 1980 something . . .

The problem, of course, is the last time Papa Argent attempted to find Beacon Hills Yoda, he kind of / sort of got his ass kicked . . .

ep 8 papa a

So, being a Good Dad, Papa Argent does what any self-respecting father would do . . . he sends the guy who wants to bone his daughter directly into harms way, to do his dirty work for him!

dumb idea do it

It’s actually a pretty crafty idea, if you think about it. I mean, either way, the Elder Argent eliminates a threat . . . though the latter threat is only to his daughter’s panties . . .

another werewolf

Beauty and the Beast

Awww how sweet!  After a night of battling Oni, Kira rode home on the back of Scott’s motorcycle, he showed her his goofy-looking wolf face, and she fondled it, and thought it was the most beautiful thing in the world, thus proving that this girl REAAAALLLY needs to get out more . . .

touch face

 

hes dreamy

In other romance news, Ethan and Aiden stalk Scott on their matching motorcycles and tell him that they will stay loyally glued to his side forever and ever, or until he gets eaten and brutally murdered by Oni, whichever comes first.  I smell a werewolf threesome!

be your friend

 

why are you obsessed with me

 

 

I guess there are some folks who were born to always be minions to “The Hottest Girl.”

hot girl

Now, while I’m not entirely sold on the twins as individual characters,  I’m actually not minding the idea of them as part of Scott’s pack.  After all, up to this point, Scott’s Scooby Gang basically consisted of Allison (weaponry), Lydia (annoying screaming / death detection), Stiles (brains), and Isaac (?).   Every good pack needs a little muscle power . . . no matter how empty the heads that come attached to those muscle bags might be.  And Ethan and Aiden, they give good muscle (and good bone), if nothing else .  . .

more shirtless male review

Speaking of Stiles’ brains, they are beginning to look a bit less like hard boiled eggs, and a bit more like scrambled ones,  with each passing week . . .

This is your brain on Nogitsune . . .

wake uppppp stiles

Scott wants to warn Stiles about the Oni.  But Stiles is too freaked out that someone had the nerve to erase his chalkboard encoded murder message to Barrow about Kira.  That same someone has stolen his key to the chemistry closet.  Hey Stiles, ever heard the phrase, “Take a picture.  It lasts longer . . .”?

evil stiles

Maybe, next time, Kira will let you borrow her camera phone . . .

For his part, Scott is fairly confident that his best friend is not a love-interest murdering sociopath.  But, in all fairness, Scott and Stiles haven’t been spending all that much time together of late.  As for Scott, he’s been kind of busy swatting fireflies and eating mouthfuls of wasabi with his new girlfriend, the fox.  Meanwhile, Stiles has been making out with random bisexuals, going on investigation missions with his gal Friday Lydia, and, most recently enduring the horrors of a life that has become a perpetual waking nightmare.

stiles and dad

Scott and Stiles have been so out of sync lately, that Scott has barely had time to tell Stiles all about his most recent Oni encounters.  This is a shame, because we all know that demon-possessed or not, Stiles would have been all up in that amazing opportunity for Nerd Research  . . .

ep 6 youryodai will be gravytrain

Though not necessarily wise enough to retain evidence of his own serial killing tendencies, Stiles is smart enough to seek the help of a medical professional when he’s about to go full-on nutso.  He visits Mama McCall because she is clearly the only professional left alive in Beacon Hills hospital.  Being a mom first, and a nurse second, Mama McCall is loath to get Stiles any more riled up than he already is about the potential severity of his condition, before she knows what exactly is wrong with him.  And so, she diagnoses Stiles with “being sleepy, very sleepy,” shoots him up with some hospital-grade Ambien and shuffles the young lad off into Dream Land . . .

diagnosing you

 

the good stuff

. . . which is precisely the place where all Stiles’ troubles began in the first place.

“Thanks, Mom,” indeed . . .

In the “After Show,” Holland Rhoden suggested that Stiles half-asleep referral to Scott’s mother as “Mom,” is a foreshadowing of sorts . . .

thanks mommy

I’m going to take her word for it.  But, foreshadowing (and Mama McCall’s questionable medical tactics) aside, I actually think it was a very sweet, quiet, authentic moment between these two characters.  After all, why wouldn’t Stiles, whose spent at least the past few years of his young life without a mother, experience feelings of warmth and parental gratitude toward a woman he has known since he was a very small child and trusts very much, who has tucked him into bed, and is lovingly caressing his forehead as he drifts off into some much-desired sleep?

stiles sad 2

As for Stiles’ biological mom, it appears, based on some quick research on the part of Mama McCall that she experienced the same symptoms as Stiles shortly before her own death, which actually dovetails quite well with my trusty ole Brain Tumor Theory.

not a tumor

However, based on the last few moments of the episode, something a bit more supernaturally sinister may, in fact, be afoot here . . .

stiles symptoms

 

claudia symptoms

 

claudias file

 

claudia stilinski

Why it’s bad to take selfies on your dad’s computer . . .

Agent McCall / Daddy Douche, tech savvy scamp that he is, apparently installed some security function on his computer that takes pictures of people other than him that try to use it.  And while I’d say, just password protecting the darn thing would be a heck of a lot more efficient  /effective.  Doing it this way, does make it that much harder for the intruder in question to deny his guilt.  Not to mention the fact that secret selfies are just hilarious.  Because who doesn’t look super goofy, while they are staring into a computer screen?

security alert

 

hahah

 

teen wolf behind you

Anywhoo, Daddy Douche wants answers. So off he tromps to his son’s house to get them.

Meanwhile DARKNESS IS COMING . . .

BabyScared

Isaac Plays Dress-up

Sure Daddy Argent, dress your daughter’s boyfriend up in a penguin suit and send him into a scary warehouse filled with roid-raging bouncer types with really bad manicures under the pretense of selling some old gun.  Sounds like a great idea!

isaac in suit

 

surrounded by idiots

Because Isaac is not a total moron, he’s a bit conflicted about the whole “entering the jaws of death” thing.  So, Allison puts her tongue down his throat and makes him grab her ass, and suddenly everything is totally cool!  (Everyone claims Allison is totally human.  But I’m not so sure.  Clearly she has a Magical Vajayjay.)

making out

 

grab my ass

 

Source

vagina voe

As Isaac yammers on about stuff he knows nothing about, the Argents easily work their way through the lamest excuse for security ever.  Then Mr. Clean tells Isaac the true story about the weapon he’s “selling,” turns out it was used by one Argent to shoot another one, before he could turn into a werewolf, back in the day.

mr clean

 

isaac is busted

Pretenses tossed away, Isaac and Mr. Clean both show their fangs to one another, while, upstairs, Papa Argent reunites with Silverfinger for the first time in 24 years . . .

the silver finger

 

Silver Finger . . .

 

finger missing

 

Missing a Finger . . .

Mr. Miyagi from Karate Kid is more than happy to explain to the Teen Wolf audience the mystery of the Firefly Guys.  They are Oni, demon warriors traveling through the darkness in search of one being possessed by a dark spirit, the Nogitsune, a form of kitsune.  They sift through individuals with supernatural auras, marking them with an S, once they have determined they are still themselves.  And once they find their target, they will kill everyone in their way to reach him or her.

demons

Mr. Miyagi politely thanks Papa Argent for saving his life all those years ago.  Then, he warns the werewolf hunter that if he finds the Nogitsune he should kill it, “even if it is his own daughter . . . or that goofy kid that hangs out with her daughter’s wolfy boyfriends . . .”

Meanwhile, Scott and co. are back at his house, learning about the Oni the hard way . . .

It’s an Oni Slumber Party!

Scott, that horndog, somehow convinces Kira that the place she will be safest for the night is right in his bed . . .

trust scott

So, Kira does what any girl would do when she finds herself in a sexual situation with the boy she likes.  She . . . pulls out a children’s picture book about kitsune and reads to him.

the book

 

cute kitsune

 

too cute to be goo

Dear Sweet Kira.  Didn’t you get the memo?  You’re on MTV, home of sexed up series like The Jersey Shore, Teen Mom, and about six shows starring Snooki . . .

4 2 snooki jazzwiththebooty

Sesame Street is two studios down . . .

cookie-monster3-7769871237963363

Scott’s and Kira’s playdate soon gets rudely interrupted by Agent McCall, who is piping mad about Scott and Kira getting their grubby pawprints all over his MacBook Air.  Then, Scott’s mom comes home.  And this place is starting to get more crowded by the second.

daddy o

Honestly, for me, the funniest part of the episode, was when the CLEARLY DEMONIC AND SUPERNATURAL Oni materializes in the kitchen, and Scott’s dad’s response is not “AHHHHHHHH!!!”

ahhh

Or, “HOLY F*&K!  WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?”

scared peter - Copy

As most normal people would react.  Rather, he’s all, “Who is this tall, poorly dressed gentleman?  He is clearly not on the lists of people I approved for you and your mother to hang out with, before I abandoned you both years ago?”

Doofy Papa McCall then walks toward the Oni like he’s actually going to ARREST HIM  .  . .

draco malfoy facepalm

So, of course he gets a sword in his belly for his trouble . . .

need to speak to scot

 

know why

With Papa McCall out of commission and Mama McCall tending to his wounds, this were-house party can really get started.  Enter Twins . . .

what are you

 

what are you 2

And Derek . . .

derek fighting

And MORE ONIS . . .

It’s like the blacklight party all over again, minus all the body paint and bad choices!

talk scott 1

talk scott 2

Mama McCall gains her hero wings by temporarily ejecting the Oni from her home using . . . you guessed it . . . Everybody’s Favorite Magical  Plot Device . . .

mountain ash throwing

mountain ash

 

mountain ash touch

Buuuuuut then they get in anyway . . .

hi again

 

 

verbal keyboard smash

Allison conveniently calls Scott just in time to tell him that, provided he and his girlfriend are not totally evil, the Oni are just there to give them both nice neck tattoos.  So, chill out!

ep 9 obviously stiles

And so, hands clasped, Scott and Kira meet the Oni head on and prepare to receive their brands . . .

carebear stare

 

carebear stareee

 

. . .  which they do.  So, the Onis disappear . . . in search of their real target.

nap time

 

that was fun

 

“Zzzzzzzzzzzz…..”

That was easy.

easy button

Eat Stiles’ Dust, Firefly Guy!

In the hospital, Stiles awakens to find everybody gone.   He wanders sleepily into a lonely dark corridor, just as the McCall family wheel in douchey daddy on a gurney.

down allway

Then the Oni come to give Stiles his tattoo . . .

walking back

But we all know how Stiles feels about tattoos . . .

teen wolf stiles - Copy

So, when the Oni moves to give him one he RIPS OUT THE ONI’S FIREFLY SOUL WITH HIS BARE HANDS, INSTANTLY KILLING THEM ALL .  . .

no thank you

 

takes heart

 

firefly

 

in they go

 

Source

It’s a miracle!  Stiles is a hero!  Yay Stiles!

clap for bonus clap

Oh .  . . wait . . . that means he’s evil.  Oops!

soap dish smash

Then, Scott comes in and Stiles acts like he’d didn’t just do something totally awesome and bad ass, which is not like Stiles at all.

all is cool

Because everyone knows if the REAL Stiles defeated a villain, he’d be acting like this . . .

more dancing stilesAnd this . . .

ep 8 stiles excited jeff bernbie

And this . . .

teen wolf allison argent stiles

Not like this . . .

mischeivous stiles

grinch smile

Consider myself officially freaked out by you, Stiles Stilinski .  . .

(You know that Grinch Gif is actually really frightening if you look at it for too long . . . )

Next week on Teen Wolf. . . AHHHHHH STILES NOOOOOOO!

Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.  Until next time, Werebangers!

winky stiles

6 Comments

Filed under Teen Wolf

Unmasked – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Illuminated”

the mask

Happy Faux-Halloween Werebangers!  As much as this week’s installment of Teen Wolf was all about black-light parties, mostly naked people with paint on their toned torsos, and oddly-attired warriors, who may or may not have descended from fireflies, with the capacity to tattoo people with their fingernails and produce long swords from their stomachs . . .

sword maker

2 18 hencer holding a knife pll

. . . it was also about masks . . .

time to die

smokin

.  . . but not just the masks we wear on Halloween with the little eye holes cut out of them so we don’t bump into walls while we are trick-or-treating .  . .

got a rock

. . . but the more subtle masks we wear every other day of the year.  These are the masks that allow us to hide parts of our true selves from the rest of the world . . . parts of ourselves that we don’t like, or don’t think others would accept . . . parts of us that make us seem less . . . normal . . .

stiles like i have the right 2 one

stiles like i have the right 2 2

become

Source

Of all the characters on Teen Wolf, Stiles — goofy and virginal, though he might be  – always seemed to be the one most comfortable in his teenage skin.  It’s one of the things I always admired most about his character  . . . how unabashedly unafraid he was of being himself, even if being himself got him pushed around or excluded, or kept him from getting the girl . .  .

stiles with wolf hat

In “Illuminated,” however, we learn that Stiles too is wearing some masks.  And these masks are more dangerous than the ones donned by his friends.  Why?  Because he doesn’t even realize he’s wearing them . . .

wake uppppp stiles

So turn out the lights, break out the glow-in-the-dark body glitter, and beware of creepy neck-tattoo giving ninjas, because it’s time for another Teen Wolf-cap . . .

more dancing stiles

[As always special thanks to my supernaturally gifted screencapper Andre, who I would totally invite to my blacklight party if I had one, because I know I could trust him not to tattoo me against my will in a wine cellar . . .]

SMUSH!

jack o

It’s a bad day to be a jack-o-lantern in Beacon Hills, with mean derelict kids around every corner, just waiting to put their foot in your skull, and turn your brain into the mushy stuff on the inside of a pumpkin pie . . .

smush

“What did I do to deserve this?

But worry not jack-o-lanterns!  The Neighborhood Watch has come to the rescue!

matrix

why

“Dressing up like the guys from The Matrix for Halloween is SO last decade!”

Boy, the Neighborhood Watch has changed a lot since I was a kid.  It used to be a bunch of soccer moms in bathrobes.  But these guys are stylin!  I mean, check out those leather dresses.  I would not want to be Jack-o-Lantern Killer in Beacon Hills.  That’s for sure!

leather jackets scottnerdedstiles 1

Speaking of the Neighborhood Watch, Jack-o-Lantern Murder isn’t the only bad act that seems to royally piss them off.  They also seem to REALLY HATE THE POSSIBILITY OF PREMARITAL SEX.

off shirt 2

Sorry Isaac.   But the Neighborhood Watch is apparently very against the idea of your impregnating Allison with your were-cub sperm . . .

time to die

Population control . . .

When Allison and her dad find Isaac, he’s super traumatized and definitely still feeling the effects of his run-in with the black skirted ninjas, who he described as having Firefly Eyes . . .

what happened

“Between this and my dad locking me in the freezer before getting killed by my classmate the were-lizard, I’m going to probably need to be in therapy until I die.”

Hmmm . . . now where have we seen fireflies before on this show?

firefly people

Something about the way Allison’s dad was behaving during Isaac’s “debriefing,” seemed to suggest this wasn’t his first time at the Firefly Eye Guys rodeo.  Maybe it was the way he instinctively knew that beating the sh*t out of Isaac to force him to wolf out would break the spell the Firefly Eye Guys had him under . . .

punch throat

(Then again, perhaps he was just using that as an excuse to beat the sh*t out of the current winner of the Teen Werewolf Most Likely to Bone his Daughter this Season award . . . sorry Scott.)

another werewolf

Or maybe it was the way he warned Allison and Issac to keep their mouths shut about the Firefly Eye Guys for the next 24 hours while he “figured things out.”

shifty dad

cant trust anybody color

Oooooorrrrr maybe it was the BIG OLE BROKEN FIREFLY EYE GUY MASK HE HAD HIDDEN AWAY IN HIS DRAWER, RIGHT NEXT TO HIS SECRET STASH OF HASHISH AND PORN MAGS . . .

so pretty

ep 9 obviously stiles

And if we think the Firefly Eye guys react poorly to kids smashing up jack-o-lantern faces, imagine how pissed off they get about people who smash up THEIR FACES!

kidnapped dad

Cue the theme song, which was a bit more “club dancey” than usual, wasn’t it?  I was only kidding about it last week, but this week’s version of the theme song REALLY did remind me of this . . .

This Girl is on Fire

Once upon a time, there was a popular young adult fiction character who wore a pyrotechnically enhanced outfit designed by Lenny Kravitz, and everyone called her The Girl on Fire . . .

girl on fire

But That Girl apparently, has nothing on our Kira, whose face literally appears to burst into flame, every time someone snaps her picture.  Now, most cameras these days have a Red Eye Reduction function that is probably very helpful for folks like Scott .  . .

red eyes

However, until iPhone invents a Face Flame Reduction Feature, Kira is kind of crap out of luck . . .

on fire

But hey, at least she didn’t end up chargrilled by Mr. “Their Eyes Were Glowing” Barrow!  Something that Scott’s dad honestly seems pissed off about, because dead kids have always been super good for his career.  Have I mentioned yet this recap that Scott’s dad is a douche?

le douche

Well, consider it mentioned!  Anywhoo, the Scooby Gang, plus Kira, find themselves in super hot water with Douchey Daddy for accidentally blacking out the entire town in their attempt to evade being murdered by a child-killing psychopath.  The nerve of these kids and their pesky survival instincts!

darn kids

Meddling Kids!

Douchey Daddy gets incredibly frustrated when he can’t get a straight answer about what happened from our characters . . . something Papa Stilinski finds positively hilarious, because, for once, he’s not the adult being made to look like a moron by a bunch of teenagers less than half his age.

winky stiles

“How come you and Lydia always seem to solve every mystery on this show, when no one else can?”  Scott’s dad asks, echoing the question in the minds of Teen Wolf fans everywhere.

“Because my dad’s in law enforcement,” Stiles replies with a wink.

power station 1

dad in law en

Adorable . . . but also not true.  I mean, Scott’s dad is in law enforcement too, and it hasn’t helped him a lick, when it comes to logical reasoning .  . .

no idea what im doing

I mean, Scott’s a sweet guy and all, but, let’s face it, he’s kind of dumber than wolf poo  . . .

teen wolf 12 cry scott

Of course, by the end of this episode, we have another, more logical, explanation as to why Stiles has seemed to miraculously have all the answers so far this season.  And it’s genius, on a Usual Suspects-like level that leads me to believe I haven’t been giving these writers nearly enough credit in my recaps this season.

mischeivous stiles

I like how the show took the inherent ridiculousness of the “Kill Kira” coded message on the chalk board last week, and immediately offered the explanation that SOMEONE ELSE, aside from Barrow, wrote it.    Now, while that assumption ended up being correct, I’m not sure, as a detective, I would have immediately arrived at that conclusion.  (In fact, if I recall from the message boards on last week’s episode, most fans, myself included, assumed that the code came from Barrow, himself.)  I mean the guy was basically a schizo psychopath who enjoyed killing kids with glowing body parts.  Why would he need a coded message instructing him to do the thing he loved doing so much in the first place?

glowing

Just a thought . . .

Speaking of glowing body parts . . .

Clothing Option . . . Paint Mandatory

At School in the Dark, Stiles finds a new mysterious key on his key chain, which I can totally relate to, because every time I stick my hand in my purse, I’m always finding things I don’t remember putting in there.  I swear I’m convinced my purse is a portal to another land . . .  either that or a very expensive trash receptacle for old receipts, candy wrappers, pens without ink and unmatched gloves  . . .

key enter

But enough about me!

Let’s talk about Kira . . .

i so want to hit that

Last week, Stiles was TOTALLY pro Kira, telling Scott he should absolutely hit that because he’s “the hottest girl” in school . . .

hot girl

Then again, maybe Stiles was just saying those things to hit on Scott . . .

attractie to gay guys

This week, Stiles basically thinks Kira is Jenny the Darach 2.0, which makes her more or less undateable, unless you are really hot for people who secretly look like Lord Voldemort . . .

shes evil

“Let’s leave the dating of secret murderers / super villains to MY future girlfriends, mmmm kay?”

voldemorteet

. . . or you’re a moron . . . like Derek . . .

torn up derek 2

And because I had the exact same idea last week, I am now more convinced than ever that Stiles and I do, in fact, share a brain . . . which worries me, because I’m pretty sure Stiles’ brain has a tumor in it . . .

not a tumor

In the boy’s locker room, Aiden and Ethan are naked, and everyone else is fully clothed, because, like children in the 1950s, these are two characters that are at their best when seen not heard.

the nakeds

Danny’s there too.  He’s fighting on the phone with some unseen person, about a blacklight party, which will now have to be canceled due to the “blackout.”  Hello Irony!

make them want us

Ethan wants to help Danny find an alternative location for the party, because he feels that will help him find an alternative location into Danny’s very busy pants.  He also believes that helping Danny through a really bitchin party will make Care Bear Scott know that Ethan and Aiden “care a lot” about their fellow man.  And even if this doesn’t cause Scott to make Ethan and Aiden into fellow Care Bears like Stiles . . .

awww stilesy

flower power

. . and Isaac .  . .

isaac scarf

grumpy

. . . and Lydia . . .

lydia smirk

stopped caring

. . . it might at least convince him to take the twins on as Care Bear cousins . .  . you know . . . the characters that weren’t bears, but still got to make an appearance every so often in the Care Bear Movies, and Specials, because they were basically nice people/ animals .. .

At first, Aiden is not down with being a Care Bear Cousin.  But then Lydia, whose mom will likely be brutally murdered very soon is now teaching at the school (?) and everyone knows that the only teacher at Beacon Hills High who can never die is Coach Crackpot tells Aiden that he can’t f*&k her in janitors closets anymore because his murdering Boyd just became a total turn off.

no bad guys

big boyd wolf

“Awww . . . how sweet . . . and also about 10 episodes too late.”

And Aiden and his blue balls decide being a Care Bear Cousin is better than being eternally celibate.  So, he decides to help Danny by suggesting he throw a party in Derek’s supposedly abandoned loft.  Yes, Aiden, because throwing a party in the place where Boyd died, will TOTALLY make Lydia forget you killed him.  Good thinking!

gotcha twins

Photo Finished!

Kira is sitting alone in the hallway eating her sad sandwich, and wearing very sad pants.  Scott completely ignores Stiles’ advice .  . .

bad scott

. . . and decides this is the perfect opportunity to hit on her . . .

sad pants

. . .to show her gratitude Kira shows Scott her nifty magical power that involves looking weird in photographs . . .

taking pic

(I don’t know, Kira.   I always look weird in photographs too.  And nobody’s ever tried to electrocute me for it . . . yet.)

Scott agrees to help get Kira’s cell phone (which contains evidence of her weird photographs) out of the police station’s evidence locker.

Meanwhile, Derek (rightfully) scares some kids who are stupid enough to go trick or treating in an abandoned parking lot during a blackout.   (Seriously, are all the parents in this town mentally retarded?)  But before he does that, he gives them candy.  Because grown men who carry Milky Ways and M&M’s  in the back of their truck, just in case they happen to come upon unaccompanied minors aren’t creepy at all . . .

candy for kids

“Hey kids, wanna hop in the back of my truck and eat Snickers?”

tee hee

“Sure sounds like fun!”

arh

“STRANGER DANGERRRRRRRRR!”

Obstruction of Justice 101

I’ve always said that watching Teen Wolf makes me smarter and more pervy.  This week’s installment of Teen Wolf had the added benefit of making me a better criminal!  Be amazed as Stiles teaches us just how easy it is to break into the police department and steal incriminating evidence against yourself!

thieves

Step 1 – Clone the key cards

Thus proving that Stiles literally does own the keys to every door in this entire town . . . including the door to his own mind, Lydia’s heart, and of course, the chemistry lab.

stiles key

“This could be The Key to solving this week’s mystery . . . literally”

Step 2 – Avoid the completely incompetent police force, by merely crawling underneath them . . .

dummy

“Off to get some donuts.”

Step 3 – Unlock evidence Drawer

the phone

Step 4 – Find evidence, and then dawdle for an unreasonably long time for no other reason than to increase narrative tension . . .

too long to charge

                Was it just me, or did that phone take a ridiculously long time to charge enough just to turn on?  That’s BAD product placement, if ever I saw it.  An iPhone takes about 20 seconds.  Just sayin . . .

Step 5 – Almost get discovered, just so Stiles will have to save your ass by being Stiles . . .

I don’t know about you.  But I vote when Teen Wolf gets canceled about 25 seasons from now, Stiles gets his own spinoff, which consists solely of him ragging on Scott’s Douchebag dad for an entire hour . . .  I’d watch that show.

the hero

P.S. What do you guys think the “big secret” Stiles’ dad has on Scott’s dad is that makes the latter hate the former so much?  Part of me thinks it has something to do with Scott’s mom . . . then again, maybe that’s because I’m totally rooting for Stiles’ dad and Scott’s mom to start boning in the next season or two.  They’d be adorable together!  Admit it!

not amused by stiles

After they escape, Kira is totally turned on by her introduction into a Life of Crime.  She wonders whether Scott and Stiles have ever broken the law like this before, at which point, Stiles wryly hands Kira a DVD set of the first 2.5 seasons of Teen Wolf, and replies, “Only every Monday at 10 p.m., for the past three years.”

teen wolf abortiaclinique

Ain’t No Party Like a Firefly Guy Party

Danny’s blacklight party is banging!

time warp

The music rocks, the nudity and creative body paint all over the place is insane.

And what other place can you go to get drawn on by Kelly Osbourne!

kelly o

.  . . or at least someone who looks a lot like her.

kelly os

Danny is eagerly getting painted up, when someone calls for ice, and a flirty Ethan tells him he’ll   . . . BE RIGHT BACK . . .

very gay

painted 3

Silly Ethan.  Did you forget you were on a horror show?

be right back

Sex makes men stupid . . .

While Ethan goes off into a dark abandoned corner of Derek’s loft to get brutalized, Danny notices some uninvited guests at his party, who are wearing way too much clothes . . .

matrix guy

“Why is Neo from The Matrix at my blacklight party?”

uninvited

But they have cool firefly eyes, so he decides to let it slide.

Elsewhere in the loft, Allison and Isaac show up at the party completely overdressed (just like the firefly guys).  So, they decide to improvise and also hump . . .

where are we

. .  . because really no blacklight party is complete without some good old fashioned humping . . .

talk scott 1

talk scott 2

talk scott 3

Also humping?  Stiles!  You go boy!

mackin

So what if he may end up being this season’s Big Bad?  Stiles is so Geek Chic and Dorky Sexy that even lesbians whose girlfriends were recently brutally murdered want to bone him!  Because everyone knows that having Stiles in your mouth is better than any antidepressant.

stiles

But who does Stiles want in HIS Mouth?  Answer:  Apparently EVERYONE!

like boys

like boys 2

Source

It’s always the “innocent” ones that end up being the biggest freaks in the sheets . . .

halloween shy sexy amariesworld

Stiles takes a break from sucking face with a lesbian to notice that his Magical Mystical Key has chemicals on it . . . as in chemicals from a chemistry lab.

check out your key

glowy key

RUH ROH!  It looks like our baby may have done a bad bad thing . . .

Speaking of bad things . . .

Ashes, ashes, they all FALL DOWN!

At the blacklight party, relationships, advance, discoveries are made, people are attacked, and everyone gets tattoos, all in a matter of minutes!

After coming to a silent understanding with Allison that they are both going to screw other people this season, Scott finally sees Kira for what she really is . . . a fox . . .

No, I mean, like, a real fox . . . like the “fire” around her body in pictures actually has a fox shape . . .

fox head

And being a member of the canine family himself, Scott totally digs it . . .

next victim

Allison and Isaac too finally give in to their mutually shared sexual tension, which causes Allison to discover Isaac’s brand new neck tattoo.  A backwards “five,” put there by the Firefly Guys?  Why, are they dyslexic?

found sign

Then again . . . it could also be an “S” for Superman . . . or STILES . . .

stiles rescue

Speaking of the Firefly Guys, Lydia spots them at a crowded party stalking her.  And so, rather than staying amidst the massive crowd of people who will undoubtedly keep her safe, she decides to say “I’ll BE RIGHT BACK,” to no one in particular, and heads out to balcony alone.

oh no

“Oh no, demons are trying to get me!”

make it easier

“Let me go out here, and make it so much easier for them to do so.”

draco malfoy facepalm

Silly Lydia!  This is what happens when you don’t hang out with Stiles, and allow him to makeout with lesbians instead of protecting you . . .

And they say you’re the smart one . . . sheesh.

not an orgy - Copy

The Firefly Guys take Lydia’s Banshee scream, give her the dyslexic tattoo, and then seem to entrance her in some sort of way.   But I guess we’ll have to wait until next week to determine what the consequences of that entrancement are . . .

look into my firefly eyes

“Look deep into my firefly eyes.  You are getting very sleepy.”

really loved you in matrix

“I really loved you in The Matrix, Mr. Keanu Reeves.”

Also, attacked and tatted up?  Ethan . . . and Derek . .  . whose super pissed off about it, and breaks up the party, the exact same way he traumatized those pesky trick our treaters.

this partys over

“STRANGER DANGERRRRRR!”

The Scooby Gang, minus Stiles, reconvene in the now empty loft to face off against the Firefly Guys.  I smell a Musical Battle Sequence . . .

kung fu fighting laala

“MORTAL KOMBAAAAAATTT!”

Unlike most Musical Battle Sequences on this show, in which the Werewolf Always Wins.  This time around, the Werewolf Always Sucks Ass . . .

had a bad da

In the Scooby Gangs’ defense, Firefly Guys are much better armed than our heroes, with Magical Tummy Swords . . .

sword maker

Hypnotic Tattoos . . .

superman

 

negativity and scarf

 

Bet Isaac is wishing he was wearing the scarf last night . . .

isaac scarf

“No tatt for me, Firefly Guy!”

And the Ability to Regenerate Heads . . .

danger

Then The Sun comes and saves everyone from getting murdered!  Hooray Sun!

the sun

Unfortunately, things are less sunny elsewhere in Beacon Hills, like back at the Argent house, where Papa Argent looks like he had a pretty crap day . . .

dying daddy

Also having a crap day, Stiles who has just learned that HE might be the one trying to kill Kira . . . which was a pretty ingenious development on the part of the writers, as it makes the oddity of Stiles magically figuring out the “code” on the board make so much more sense in hindsight.  It also makes Lydia’s comment about not wanting to be with the “bad guys” seem much more ironic / ominous.

evil stiles

Either that, or he’s dreaming / in a coma . . .

sleeping stiles

Or he has a brain tumor . . .

not a tumor

Whatever the reason, Stiles sure seems to be working very hard to make sure “The Hottest Girl” in school doesn’t get it on doggystyle with “The Fox.”

abominable snowman

Thus, proving that prolonged virginity can make you evil and/or cause brain tumors / comas.

So, go forth and get laid, Werebangers!  It might just save your life and YOUR SOUL!

sex me now 2

Until next time . . .

hi stiles

 

5 Comments

Filed under Teen Wolf

This Bug’s For You – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Galvanize”

galvanize

pocahantas

“Can you paint with all the colors of the wiiiiiiiiiiiiind?”

Aloha, Werebangers!  Since the main driving force behind Season 3B is to illustrate the consequences of our Beacon Hill’s Scooby Gang landing on a Hellmouthsuccumbing to a Kryptonite-Infused Meteor Shower,   dropping The Veil between the Natural World and the Supernatural One, temporarily sacrificing themselves as a tribute to the Supernatural Beacon Tree that is the Nemeton, it makes sense that this collection of episodes would seem a bit more disjointed and “freak of the week”-y, than the ones that preceded them . .  .

never the same stilinski stiles

Let’s see, so far, in addition to our usual round-up of Alphas, Betas, Omegas, Banshees, Were-hunters, Emissaries, and people who REALLY, REALLY HATE MOUNTAIN ASH .  . .

mountain ash

. . . we have met Were-Coyotes . . .

coyote

why am i naked

. . . Fly Guys . . .

firefly people

. . . Bug Tummies (who may or may not be related to the Fly Guys) . .  .

bug tummy

This is kind of like what happens to me whenever I eat burritos . . .

 .  . . Samurais (who also may or may not be related to the Fly Guys)  . . .

samurai

It’s like the Scream Mask on Steroids . . .

Scream-mask200

.  . . and Kira the Kitsune . . .

i so want to hit that

There’s a benefit to this type of narrative structure.  For one thing, the plot possibilities are endless.  (Consider how long shows like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Smallville, and Scooby Doo managed to stay on air!)  Freaks-of-the-Week also enable episode plots to be self-contained.  This means that new and casual viewers can join the fandom at any time, without getting bogged down in the quagmire of complex series mythology.

stiles-15

The downside?  End-of-the-season payoffs on these type of shows tend to be much smaller, and the rewards for loyal viewers, who stuck by the show since episode 1, are less substantial.

crying stiles

But hey, it’s only been three episodes.  Maybe I’m wrong.  Perhaps, all of these seemingly disconnected episodes are about to tie together in some brilliant way we have yet to discover.  Maybe the entire season is taking place inside Stiles’ Brain Tumor!

mischeivous stiles

not a tumor

On that note, let’s review, shall we?

nodding oh yeah

[As always, a special thanks to Andre, whose X-Men esque spectacular screencapping abilities, unique YouTube video-finding powers, magically delicious capacity for internet research relating to all things supernatural, and undeniably awesome propensity toward snarky commentary, have all clearly been brought on by his being born next to a Nemeton-Tree .  . . on a Hellmouth . . . surrounded by meteors.]

Making Mischief

mischief

“To be honest, I wasn’t sure this show had actual seasons.  But apparently, it’s almost Halloween!  YAY!”

It’s Mischief Night over in Beacon Hills and Scott and Stiles have just broken into the school to play a very kitsune-approved prank on everyone’s favorite teacher, Coach Crackhead . . .

stiles with wolf hat

four years younger

Meanwhile, over at The Hospital Run Entirely By Scott’s Mom, a child-killing psychopath is being wheeled in for an emergency operation by, you guessed it, Papa La Douche McCall.   Seriously!  This guy is basically a magnet for mentally disturbed, murderous, and basically sh*tty people.  He brings them wherever he goes, like some Pied Piper of Evil.

evil pied piper

“I’d like you to meet someone.  He murders kids who look just like our son, so I brought him to your hospital just for you.  You’re welcome!”

woah

“And to think I had honest-to-goodness sexual intercourse with this person.”

Papa La Douche wags his eyebrows suggestively at his ex-wife, as he casually tells her that the man she will be feeling up with her stethoscope is an Electrician Turned Child Blower-Upper with shrapnel in his tummy, and basically no remorse for his bad deeds.

yet another scott face

To her credit, Mama McCall maintains her composure, even as Mr. Bug-Eyed McCrazypants  totally invades her personal space and stares into her eyes like he wants to swallow her whole.  Bug-Eyed McCrazypants pretty much goads Mama McCall into asking him why blowing up tots is his favorite pastime, and he explains, quite tellingly, that “Their Eyes Were Glowing.”

sounds like your heart

“Sounds like your heart is two sizes too small.”

also i eat kids

grinch smile

“Yeah . . . I can see that.”

Then, he goes all batsh*t, and practically bites Mama McCall’s face off  . . .

glowing

.  . . once again reminding the Mother of the Alpha that she totally should have taken the job at Seattle Grace / Grey’s Anatomy, where she could spend her days humping doctors who look like Jesse Williams in the on-call room  . . .

jesse-williams-greys-anatomy-shirtless-scenes-01

. . . instead of having to put up with this crap . . .

mommy dearest

In other news . . .  glowing eyes, huh?  We know a few guys with glowing eyes on this show?  Don’t we?

alpha closeup

“SH*T!”

Greenberg Strikes Again

It’s a Beautiful Day in Beacon Hills!  It’s Mischief Day!  It’s Coach Crackhead’s Birthday!  It’s . . . a Day of Forgiveness?

we want t be in your cub

“We want to be series regulars part of your pack.”

um no

Not so much on that last one . . .  as Scott and his Scooby Gang totally reject the not-so-much Alpha anymore Twins from joining their Pack . . .

ep 7 in spanish

And why shouldn’t they?  After all, the Twins are responsible for the death of Boyd . . . and Erica  . . . and their entire range of emotions can pretty much be summed up in two expressions: Growl . . .

gotcha twins

. . . and Smirk . . .

twins - Copy

moon face

moon face 2

These are NOT the kind of dudes you want in the foxhole with you, when you are battling Lizard People, Skeletor, Gorillas on Steroids, and Crotchety Old Men . . .

matt and ma

darach

ep 6 alpha

funny face grandpa

Besides, Scott doesn’t need lame-o Growlers and Smirkers in his pack!  He doesn’t need anybody!  He’s The Hottest Girl in School!

hot girl

yay

Wait . . . what?

Yeah, apparently, that’s Scott’s new nickname!

BabyScared

(I hear gender identity disorder is particularly common among werewolves.  Basically, this is what happens when your private parts are covered in fur, and you can’t always see them.)

Elsewhere in school, Coach Crackpot learns an important lesson:

screw one

screw 2

screw 3

screws fall out

A lesson that inadvertently led to our first “Greenberg” reference of the season  . . .

not trusting

happy birthday

love greenberg

OK, I’m calling it right now.  Somewhere around season 7 or 8 of this show (if it lasts that long), Greenberg will be revealed as the Ultimate Uber- Big Bad of this show, and Coach Crackpot will be his first official victim . . .

hand down greenberg

(P.S. I like how, with all the bardo, and mental breakdowns and murder going on in Beacon Hills, Stiles and Scott still somehow find the time to pull elaborate pranks on their favorite Psycho Coach.  It’s kind of sweet, actually . . .)

punks evi

laughing

By now, we all know that being a teacher in Beacon Hills is a pretty dangerous profession.  Of course, it’s not nearly as dangerous as being a medical professional in Beacon Hills . . .

Just ask This Guy  . . .

bloody doc

“Is there a doctor in the house, or just Scott McCall’s mom?”

. . . who learned the heard way that joking about “accidentally” killing your psycho patient on the operating table, while he’s not quite unconscious, is the easiest way to earn a first class ticket to your nearest Morgue.

haha not funny

“That joke about my dying was hilarious.  You should have gone to clown college, instead of medical school.  Maybe you still can .  .  . IN HELL!”

Ever see those weddings, where, SURPRISE, a flock of doves fly out of the wedding cake and probably poop in it on the way out and it’s supposed to be “Oh So Romantic.”  Well, this is kind of a variation on that . . .

bug tummy

(Andre had a great screencap of this up close.  But I just didn’t have the “stomach” to use it.  TOO GROSS!”

puked on your shoes

Seriously, they are coming up with new and inventive ways to off doctors every week on this show!  (Perhaps, Jeff Davis secretly flunked out of medical school, and this is his subtle way of exacting revenge.)

Interestingly enough, this isn’t the first time Teen Wolf has used insects as a tool of doctorly demise.  Remember THE MOTHS IN THE CAR?

eating the moth

Except, this time, if we want to get technical about things, Bug Tummy didn’t actually murder Doctor Snarky by making him choke on flies and/or crash his car.  He just killed him the old-fashioned way . . . with a deft hand and a scalpel . . .

we all go a little psycho

See?  This is another problem with Freak-of-the-Week villains.  They croak before we ever get to really know them!  Bug Tummy is already dead (at least he is by the end of the episode), and I have so many unanswered questions about him.  Like . . .  why does he have bugs in his tummy?  Does he eat them?  Keep them as pets?  Did he just accidentally swallow them one night, while on one of his usual child-killing rampages?  How did he manage to stay awake under anesthesia?  How does he keep his model-thin figure?  Do bugs contain carbs?

light

The world may never know . . .

In other, seemingly unrelated news, that nifty box Derek and Peter Hale stole from the Mexican baddies contains .  . . wait for it . . . dirty nail clippings from Derek’s dead mom.

nail of mother

“Would it have killed her to add a little red polish?  Geez!”

Man, this show is gross . . .

Peter then wears the dirty nails, for reasons I still don’t quite understand, homoerotically stabs them into Derek’s backside . . .

fisting

. . .  and then Derek, sort of / kind of talks to his wolf mom in a dream / hallucination thingy?

is this a dream

“Worst . . . acid trip . . . ever!”

In which Beacon Hill’s School Security System Fails Yet Again

Bug Tummy steals an ambulance (the preferred method of escape for Beacon Hill baddies everywhere, like Zip Car for Evil People), and heads to . . . where else . . . the high school, of course!  In response to Bug Tummy’s presence, Lydia’s eardrums start being bombarded with incessant buzzing, which the Scooby Gang takes as a sign that they need to scour the school for Bug Tummy ASAP, before he murders everyone and Teen Wolf is forced to end prematurely without any Stydia sex scenes at all!  Oh the horror!

buggy

lydia looking at sky

no longe crazy

“Well, it was nice while it lasted . . . wasn’t it Lydia?  Looks like you’re the looney tune of your social circle, once again.”

At the school, despite being surrounded by hundreds of students, an entire troop of cops, and a pack of werewolves, Bug Tummy is able to (1) waltz in undetected . . .

waiting patiently

.  . . (2) hang out calmly in coach’s office, while Lydia the Banshee, who supposedly senses his near-dead presence, and Aiden the Werewolf with his GLOWING EYES and superior sense of smell, make out inches away from Bug Tummy’s grossly bloody, rather malodorous-looking, body   .  . .

aiden and lyd

“There’s something different about this room.  But I can’t quite put my finger on it.”

. . . (3) staple his stomach together (Well, at least now we know how he keeps his girlish figure.). . .

haha hah

“Now, I’m the hottest girl!  Eat that, Scott McCall!”

. . . (4) stop off in the chemistry lab to casually mix a few chemicals, and draw painfully cheesy,  and completely unnecessary Sesame Street-like, clues about his motives on the chalk board (more on that later)

. . . (5) stalk Kira in the library a midst the chaos of a pulled fire alarm, and

therehe is

. . . (6) escape without anybody ever laying eyes on him at all!

verbal keyboard smash

Now, that’s impressive!  So, impressive that I actually think Bug Tummy would make a great Alpha.  I mean, sure, he’s kind of socially awkward, makes weird, sometimes off-putting, facial expressions, has some issues with impulse control, and looks way too old to be a high school student.  But hey, the same could be said about Scott!

trust scott

Stiles tries to get his dad and the rest of the cops to stick around school and search for Bug Tummy some more.  But Stiles’ dad isn’t biting.  As much as Papa Stilinski is sort of/kind of coming around to the idea that pretty much everything that happens in Beacon Hills is somehow supernaturally related, he’s still not quite ready to buy into the idea that the annoying scream of a pretty red headed teen will solve all his murder mysteries . . .

wavinglyd

Parents can be so short-sighted sometimes . . .

With the adults out of the picture, the werewolves of Beacon Hills form their own search party, following their noses, just like Toucan Sam, into the school’s boiler room, in an attempt to literally sniff out evil.  Unfortunately, all these wolves seem to be able to smell is sex . . .

found

sad aid

my heart bleeds marlak

Then, Lydia figures out that getting all the school’s wolves into the boiler might actually have been Bug Tummy’s plan all along . . . to get all the Glowing Eyed kids into one place . . . and THEN BLOW THEM INTO SMITHEREENS!

danger

So, Stiles, our hero .  . .

batman catwoman

holding hands

. . . thinking fast, decides to pull the fire alarm, in order to get all his classmates out of the building before they can be turned into rainbow sprinkles . . .

confetti

meddling kids

Bug Tummy’s plan is foiled!  The children have been saved!  All is right in the world!  And Stiles is filled with the spontaneous need to dance . . .

dance

Really, it’s the dancing that gets him busted.  (Should have saved that for your bedroom, Stiles . . .)

busted

As for Scott, while the school and all its wolfy and non-wolfy inhabitants are being silently terrorized, and the apocalypse is becoming increasingly imminent, our hero . . . plots his Master Plan to Save the World from Bug Tummy . . . keeps his pack safe, by shuffling them off to a secret hideaway, where Bug Tummy can’t rip out their Glowing Eyes, and insert them into his abdomen as food for the creatures he has living in it enjoys a sushi dinner?

bad scott

Scott Gets a Little Culture . . .

I really like Kira’s house.  It’s uber modern, definitely Asian-inspired, has a real estate value of upwards of $2.5 million, and absolutely looks nothing like the cookie cutter, white bread, lower middle to upper middle class homes we’ve come to expect from the suburban neighborhood of Beacon Hills, CA . . .

asian inspired house

asian inspired house 2

. . .  which makes me wonder, just how much to teachers get paid to teach at Beacon Hills high.  Maybe they make a lot . . . simply because of the super high mortality rate.

try again fail better

Or perhaps, Kira’s mother is the big wage earner in this family.  After all, HE kept HER name.  And considering that she’s Japanese, and Kira’s dad is Korean, Kira’s kitsune traits are probably inherited from her mommy’s side of the family.

dinner

“I wear the foxy pants in this family.”

Hey, maybe she’s an “arms dealer,” like Allison’s dad!  He also seems way richer than a seemingly unemployed werewolf hunter should be  . . .

cool dad

“It’s expensive to look like this much of a bad ass.”

Anywhoo, Scott tries to use chopsticks, accidentally inhales a mouth full of wasabi, and hilarity ensues, which basically has positively nothing to do with the ongoing plot . . .

eating

Here Scott, eat my fish.  You’ll like it!”

Elsewhere in Adorable Town . . .

Stiles and Lydia Figure it out . . . Again

Lydia and Stiles are lounging on Stiles bed, wrapping each other’s fingers in balls of red yarn (kinky?),  as they discuss the Stilinski Family Board of Shame . . .

colored strings

blue just pretty

. . .  and what Lydia believes to be her first failure in her short career as a Banshee.  Seeing Lydia experience self-doubt, and insecurity . . . seeing her doubt her powers, and feel guilty about getting Stiles in trouble at school, by convincing him to pull the fire alarm . . .

stydia love

smiles

. . . shows just how far Lydia has gone as a character since Season 1. The Lydia we met back then  .  . . the proud, selfish, arrogant Lydia, who was concerned only with popularity and appearances, would never spend an evening geeking out in bed with Stiles, his yarn, and his detective theories.  She would never feel bad about getting someone else in trouble.   She would never question her own abilities and their consequences, or, for that matter admit to having those abilities and that intelligence at all . . .

awesome lyd pic

I love watching Lydia and Stiles together, because (as clichéd as it is that they always come up with the answers seemingly out of the blue at the last minute),as characters, they definitely bring out the best in one another.  Stiles makes Lydia more humble, more caring, more willing to be her true self.  He helps her untie the red “unsolved” yarn from her fingertips, and makes her feel more “solved.”  More whole.

red unsolved

In turn, Lydia makes Stiles more confident, more mature, and more self- assured in his intelligence, and problem solving abilities . . .  she also reminds him how to read, and gently (without judgment) keeps him from going insane.

stydia kiss 6

So, when Stiles tells Lydia he believes in her, despite her recent setback, I believe him . . . but kind of wonder where her parents are .   . . because, seriously, this girl never goes home.

Somehow, Lydia’s mere presence inspires Stiles to tramp back into school in the middle of the night, break into the chemistry lab . . . magically change into his “This is Only a Dream” Shirt for a split second . . .

http://colethewolf.tumblr.com/post/74036701586/colethewolf-i-dont-know-if-somebody-has

. . . and proceed to solve yet another “Freak of the Week” mystery, with his Lady Love Lydia by his side.

blood on floor

Yes, boys and girls, Engineer Bug Tummy, in addition to his bug cultivating skills and tendency toward invisibility, also apparently, is a master chemist, capable of masking his horrible scent, even to werewolves, as a result of his in-depth, knowledge of the periodic table that he just can’t help but share with the world, even if he is certain it will result in his inevitable capture / killing.

kira

draco malfoy facepalm

“Silly villain!”

Long story short, Stiles and Lydia find out that Bug Tummy wasn’t inside the school to capture werewolves at all . . . he was only interested in nerdy foxes with multiple tails and an impressive understanding of the concept of Bardo and eating with chopsticks  . .  . only interested in Kira . . .

Back at the Asian Inspired Dojo that is Kira’s Casa . . . .

Stiles and Kira eat pizza, and eye f*&k a bit.

eating pizza

“Should I be offended that you didn’t enjoy the taste of my fish?”

Then, Kira gets kidnapped, and Scott “You’re Going To Hear Me Roar Because I Am the True Alpha” McCall does nothing to stop it  . . . (though, in his defense, he’s sort of/ kind of unconscious at the time).

smash

“If you won’t eat Kira’s fish, I will!”

With the help of Lydia’s big mouth (Ears be damned!) and Stiles’ encouragement . . .

scream

scream 2

The Scooby Gang finds Kira tied up in some electrical warehouse thingy, where Bug Tummy is seconds away from electrocuting her . . . just because.

elect

electrifying

P.S.  Bug Tummy is also going to take pictures of Kira while he electrocutes her, using her Nokia phone because. . .  you know . . . product placement.

villains

Villains don’t like iPhones . . .

But Silly Bug Tummy  .  . . he messed with the wrong girl.  I mean, really, of all the girls you decide to electrocute you choose the one that has the kitsune-like ability to ABSORB ELECTRICITY!

galvanize

“This is SOOO going to help me get laid . . .”

Not too smart, Bug Tummy.  Perhaps, you aren’t the Good Prospective Alpha I thought you would be . . .

And so you’ll die.  Goodbye, Bug Tummy!  May glowing eyed children angels carry you to your much-deserved rest  . . . IN HELL!!!!!!

kind of dead

Meanwhile, Allison and Isaac are in Allison’s house, busily studying the beastiary in hopes of locating something about  the now-obsolete villain of the week.  Isaac cleverly suggests he’s Beelzebub, the Lord of the Flies, i.e. The Devil . . . also the name of one of my favorite books from high school, coincidentally.

almost kissing

Then Isaac tries to kiss Allison.  And Allison, in order to show Isaac that she is Not That Kind of Girl, takes off her shirt for him . . . wait what?

off shirt

off shirt 2

her turn

“I am not the kind of girl who just makes out with her exes’ best friend /roommate /sort of adopted brother!  I have more class than that!  Get naked with him?  Sure.  F*&K him?  Absolutely.  But I will never ever kiss him!  Get that through your wolfy weiner, Isaac LAY-HEEEEE!”

not amused

Not amused . . .

Then Allison’s dad walks in, and wonders why his daughter insistently falls in love with canines, and kind find a nice human boy to hump in her bedroom, while her dad is downstairs, plotting the destruction of animal kind.

office guns

office guns 2

another werewolf

While Allison’s dad is hilariously scolding his daughter about her choice of suitors . . .

mwah haha

.  . . some weird samurai things are taunting Isaac in her bedroom?  Thus proving, once in for all, that having sex with Allison, or even thinking about having sex with Allison, is not without its consequences . . .

blue balls

Next week on Teen Wolf, everybody goes to a rave?

Nikki Minaj makes out with Stiles?

nicki

And a bunch of other bad stuff happens to our Scooby Gang . . .

Until next time, Werebangers!

stiles dancing at gay bar melchiors

3 Comments

Filed under Teen Wolf