Category Archives: Teen Wolf

Stiles-ception – A (Ridiculously Late) Recap of Teen Wolf’s Season 3B Premiere “Anchors”

dark tunnel

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“Is this real? Am I real?  Is this even a real door?  If I repeatedly bang my head on it, will I figure it out?  Ouch . . . ouch . . . ouch, maybe not.”

What’s up, my fellow Werebangers!  I missed you!

ep 8 i love you twg

How was your New Years?  Did you dance?

stiles dancing at gay bar melchiors

Meet any new and interesting people?

surprise bitch

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Die in a bath tub, and come back to life, only to realize you’ve somehow forgotten how to read?

cold stiles

read good

cant read good

(Don’t worry if this happens to be the case.  Most of this blog post will be pictures anyway . . . :))

Wherever you’ve been, whatever you’ve done, worry not!  Your Werebanger Family welcomes you back with open arms.

ep 8 stiles dad hug fyeah

So, lets get on with this recap, shall we?

nodding oh yeah

[As always, a big werewolfy round of applause for my good pal Andre, who in addition to being the Lean Mean Screencapping Machine who generously provided us with all the awesome pictures you see here, also happens to be a pretty kickass person, in general.]

Sleeping with Stiles . . .

sleeping stilessss

Teen Wolf . . . it’s no longer just a show you watch to see hot guys take their shirts off, flex their muscles, and get all sweaty with one another . . .

(Though that, in and of itself, is a pretty good reason to watch the show.)

ep 9 no fit gravyjones

more shirtless male review

shirtless issac

This is show is educational!  You learn stuff here!  For example, this week on Teen Wolf, I learned about the Tibetan Buddhist concept of “Bardo,”which from what I gather, is basically a cross between Purgatory, and whatever the f*&k happened on the last season of Lost  . . .

state between life and death

20100524_lostending_560x375

“So you mean to tell me all this time, we thought we were battling Baddies, Bionic Bears, and Black Smoke in a jungle, we were really just sitting around in this lame old church?”

Also, I learned from Stiles all the nifty tricks you can use to tell that your dreaming, while you are actually dreaming .  . . you know, for all those times you find yourself possibly-but-maybe-not asleep, and don’t have on hand Leonardo DiCaprio’s Magical Spinning Top from Inception . . .

spinning-top-inception

We start the episode off in bed with Stiles, which is as good a place as any to start off a series, AM I RIGHT ladies (and men)?

hi stiles

We know immediately that Stiles is dreaming, by the way he’s sweating, rapidly blinking his eyes, moaning amorously, curling his toes under his blanket, and thrusting upward, while he grabs on to his sheets for dear life .  . .

amorous sleeping stiles

Unfortunately for us fans, it ended up not being one of THOSE kind of dreams.  But we totally see where you were going with this, Jeff Davis, you naughty minx, you .  . .

gives me joy

At the start of the “Dream,” Stiles comes out of the closet . . . er . . . I mean the locker . . .

stiles comes out

“I feel so liberated!”

Then, Stiles takes a long slow glance in the mirror to remind fans how buff he’s gotten during the hiatus .  . .

buff stiles

“Someone’s been sneaking Wheaties into my Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs . .  .”

Stiles hears a sound, so he goes to investigate.  This is what he finds . . .

evil tree

“Don’t you just hate it when an Evil Tree crashes through your classroom, and then tries to eat you?”

feed me seymour

feed me

I know I do!

Then, Stiles “wakes up” only to learn that he’s slept through his entire courtship with Lydia!  Apparently, they’ve gone from “heat of the moment” first kiss partners, to bed buddies, who sleep together on school nights and massage one other’s arms after nightmares, in the span of less than two episodes . . .

lyd and sty

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“Is it Season 5, already?”

This is the moment I usually realize that I’m dreaming . .  . when things are simply too good to be true. . .

stiles

Stiles breaks the fourth wall at this point in the narrative, leading us to believe that he realizes he’s still dreaming as well . . .

stiles looks at camera

“I can’t really be this much of a pimp, yet . . . CAN I?”

And while most hot blooded teens would take advantage of their Super Awesome Dream, by say .  . .  taking this unique opportunity to do away with a certain Pesky Virginity Problem .  . .

sex me now 2

Stiles, being the tragic hero we know him to be, decides instead to go and CLOSE THE DOOR . .  .

door

3 the door 1st

This concept of THE DOOR, is one that presents itself throughout the episode.  Throughout the hour, we see Stiles and Allison, in their dreamlike states opening doors that they shouldn’t, doors that release evil spirits, funky trees, and b*tchy dead aunts into the ether.  We learned last season from Deaton, that “dying and returning to life in a bathtub” opened a seemingly figurative, but possibly literal, door in the characters’ minds, through which some pretty nasty Big Bads can pass through, if they aren’t careful.

in tub

Notice how adamant Dream Lydia was against Stiles closing the door to his room / mind.  This reminded me a bit of something Leonardo DiCaprio’s character in Inception said about dream characters becoming violent toward anyone or anything that might disrupt the dream.  Perhaps, Dream Lydia didn’t want Stiles to close the door in his dream, because if he did, it would end his Bardo, thereby closing off the possibility of the evil demons connected to the Evil Tree / Nemeton breaking free into the Real World.

lyd screams

That would make Dream Lydia kind of evil.  So maybe it was a good thing Stiles didn’t have sex with her . . .

Then again, Stiles never actually closes the door.  Instead he WALKS THROUGH IT, thereby exposing himself, once again to the Nemeton, and the horrors of sleep paralysis . . . which, some might say, was a worse result than if he simply ignored the door and started humping his lady love. . .

wake uppppp

“DAMMIT, YOU MEAN TO TELL ME I COULD HAVE GOTTEN LAID!”

wake uppppp stiles

We then see Stiles wake up, go to school and tell Scott all about his theories about waking dreams, and how his, in particular, might be related to the Sacrifice to the Nemeton that the three of them made last season.  Scott grunts, stares at his friend dumbfounded, and has absolutely nothing whatsoever intelligent or helpful to say, as per usual.  Everyone in the class pretends the two boys don’t exist, despite the fact that they are both rather attractive, have great bodies, and are talking very loudly about very weird sh*t .  . .  also as per usual.  Everything seems normal enough.  But Stiles still feels like something is off . . .

is this real babe

And that’s when he wakes up again . . . for real this time . . . maybe . . .

stiles and dad

In a sense, Stiles’ intense self awareness and extensive knowledge of dream states functions as both a blessing and a curse for him.  On one hand, Stiles is more likely than any other character on the show to instinctively realize he is dreaming.  Therefore, he would theoretically have the easiest time lucidly navigating his own dream world, and, when necessary, waking himself up.  On the other hand, Stiles’ innate ability to detect dreamlike things in everyday occurrences will undoubtedly cast a pall of strangeness on every aspect of his life, leaving him perpetually uncertain as to whether he is ALWAYS AWAKE or ALWAYS ASLEEP.

stiles and the new pack

This has led some to speculate that Stiles may already be dead (either from the tub, or from the car accident he experienced later that same episode), and that the entire second half of the season is taking place in his (unconscious?) (comatose?) (purgatoried?) mind . . .

ep 9 stiles hale tumblr going to die

In short, the cold open to Season 3B was about twenty times more meta than anything we’ve seen on the show, thus far.  But I liked it.  Unlike most dream sequences in teen shows, which bash you on the head with their symbolism  (Common Example 1: A precocious student is afraid of bombing her SATs.  So, she has a dream that she bombs her SATs, and ends up a homeless bum.  Common Example 2: A woman fears her Bad Boy boyfriend lacks ambition.  So she has a dream that she marries him, and ends up living in a dirty trailer park with 10 kids, married to her Bad Boy boyfriend, who is now a fat, burping, unemployed mess.), Stiles dreams were subtle, confusing, and disjointed.  They didn’t insult viewers’ intelligence, by tying everything up in a nice pretty Bardo Bow.  And that made them seem more like . . . well . . . real dreams . . .

dream bigger

I still wanted to see Stiles get dream laid though . . .

stiles with wolf hat

My Shadow Self

As is usually the case on this show,  other characters experience Real Problems, while Scott experiences things that are mildly annoying, but also kind of fun / funny.

nails

“My Shadow Self really needs a manicure.”

manicured

“If you think it, it will come . . .”

Allison has 100% turned into Haley Joe Osment’s character from The Sixth Sense . . .

i see dead people

Complete with cold gusts of air coming out of her mouth, every time she encounters the dead . . .

cold alli

“Oooh, either it’s getting a little nippley in here . . . or I just stumbled into a commercial for breath mints.”

breath mint

She’s also hallucinating entire trips to the hospital mortuary on her walks to school, and may or may not be suffering from multiple personality disorder  . . .

two allisons

“Which one of us do you think looks better in this outfit, Me or me?”

To top that off, her hands are shaking constantly, as if she’s suffering from DTs, so she can’t shoot her bow and arrow for sh*t, and her pesky zombie dead aunt, not only can’t seem to leave her alone, but almost made her  kill her best friend, and TOTALLY cockblocked her Awesome Dream Sex with Isaac. . .

peekaboo i see

“Helllooooo?   Anybody in there?”

whassuppp

“Sup, girl?”

BabyScared

shooting

hello again its me

“Hey again.  If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were avoiding me, Allison?”

see me

“Was it something I said?   Is it because I have zombie breath?”

surprised-face

woah

“Woah, Allison, there are much easier ways to make sure you win prom queen than scalping the competition .  . .”

shexy

“Oh Isaac, I’ve wanted this for at least three episodes so long.”

cock block 1

“Hey girl!  Can I get in on this too?  Argent Family Threesome?”

not an orgasm

“Worst . . . orgasm . . . EVER!”

So, I’d say that’s all pretty sucky.  Stiles, as we know, can’t tell whether he’s asleep or awake . . . like ALL THE TIME.  He may, in fact, already be dead . . .  As if that wasn’t bad enough, the sole income earner in his family either just got fired from his job by his best friend’s bio dad .  . .

sheriff do not remove

more files

. . . and /or became a serious hoarder.  And to top it off, in the past couple of days, Stiles has officially become a barely functioning illiterate who can’t count to ten . . . .

cant read

weird writing

read good

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So, in what horrible way has Scott been affected by the ritual sacrifice you ask?  Well, his shadow is being sort of a pain in the ass . . .

peter pan

“My shadow has officially become more attractive than I am.  Now, I know how Peter Pan felt. . .”

take off shadow

“I am SO done competing with this douchebag.  Off he goes!”

And his best friend is crushing on his ex . . .

fly isa

weeeee

“Weeee . . .  I’m flying.  Hey Scott, is this what it feels like to have sex with Allison?

Oh, and he’s also experiencing a massive case of dry eyes / anger management issues!

red eye scott

nothing to see here

“Nothing to see here.  This is totally normal.  I treat my friend like he’s the Hunchback of Notre Dame all the time!”

pain

“You wouldn’t like me when I’m horny . . . “

smash 2

In  other words, it’s nothing a little Visine, and a pep talk from Mommy about how he’ll find love again, couldn’t cure . . .

visine

mommy dearest

“You don’t need a girlfriend to keep you from turning into a monster, Scott.  Remember what that nice man Anthony Bates said in Psycho, ‘A boy’s best friend is his mother . . .’ “

janet leigh pyscho scream

ep 8 more shower scott 2

Perhaps, that wasn’t the best example.

So, to summarize, Stiles and Allison are going through Hell.  And Scott?  Well, he’s going through puberty . . .

That’s Sign Language for “You’re totally f*&ked.”

all signing

signage

Have you ever had one of those dreams, where it’s the end of the semester, and you realize that you totally spaced and forgot to attend one of your classes.  And now,  suddenly, you have to go take a final for a class for which you’ve never even cracked open a book?

ep 8 funny stiles

Well, imagine that the class was Sign Language 101.  And you arrive to find everyone repeatedly, and angrily motioning toward you in a way that might be the Macarena dance, for all the significance it has to you.

1996_macarena

That’s what happens to poor Stiles in this episode.  Fortunately, our trusty old Coach Crackpot is there to wake our hero up from his nightmare.  The problem, of course, is that, while all this was happening, Stiles wasn’t actually sleeping.   He was . . . drawing . . .

wake up scrib

But wait . . . check out the shape of Stiles’ incessant scribble of “Wake Ups.”  Does it look like anything to you?  Because it sure as heck looks like an “anchor” to me . . . as in .  . . THE TITLE OF THIS EPISODE .  . .

anhor

ep 5 more oral fixation stiles tyler

Here’s a theory.  You know how all the werewolves require a mental “anchor” to keep themselves from wolfing out at inopportune moments.  What if to escape “Bardo,” our heroes also need an anchor to keep them “tied down” to the real living world, which is becoming increasingly hard for them to reach?

nodding oh yeah

Kind of like the “anchors” who first guided our heroes into the Ritual Ice Bath Sacrifice in the first place?  (i.e. Lydia for Stiles, Isaac for Allison, Deaton for Scott, or according to Scott’s mother, Scott for Scott).

About that whole “Bardo” Concept . . .

So, it just occurred to me that I’ve been going about this  recap kind of backwards, in the sense that I’ve been consistently referring to this Bardo Concept, without explaining how this information was actually introduced to our characters . . .

verbal keyboard smash

It all started with Lydia, who was taking way too much joy in the fact that she was no longer the token wackadoo of the group . . . i.e. the one who screamed really loudly at really inappropriate times for no reason at all, occasionally drugged her friends with wolfsbane, and had a strange tendency to wander around in the forest naked in the middle of the night .. . (Well, actually, she’s still that person.  But now all her friends are acting just as nuts.)

no longe crazy

She also really, really wanted to figure out what the heck was going on with all her friends.

(By the way, you would think that a BANSHEE would be a bit more attuned to the fact that her entire social circle is potentially half-dead.  But whatever . . .)

you crazy

“Well, you all can’t be THAT dead, because I’m not screaming my head off.  Then, again, if all of this is just a dream in Stiles’ head then . . . at least his subconscious put me in a cute outfit.”

And while Lydia was busy being totally stumped by the situation, someone else had already figured things out.  Meet Kira . . .

teehee

She’s the new girl in school.  This is her dad . . . who is a history teacher, and who is inexplicably teaching Kira’s history class, despite the fact that the school is pretty large and likely has at least two other history teachers on the faculty who weren’t murdered by evil Druids . . .

new guy

“I really don’t want to be a history teacher.  History teachers never survive supernatural teen shows.  Can’t I teach gym, or woodworking?  How about making me a nice lunch lady?  No one ever kills the lunch lady.  I’d even be willing to wear a hairnet.”

Some have speculated that Kira (or her dad) might be the foxy kitsune who gets into our Scooby Gang’s heads this half of the season, and functions as its trickstery, mental manipulating big bad.  But, for now, all we know about her is that she knows all about Tibetan Buddhism and Bardo, totally believes Scott and Co. are hallucinating and stuff because they are about to croak.  Oh, and Scott thinks she’s a total hottie.  Anywhoo, I’m sure we haven’t seen the last of this chick . . .

Speaking of Characters Whose Sole Purpose Seems to Be to Explain Complicated Tidbits of Mythology to the Audience. . .

oooh

He pops up just in time to tell the kiddies what we all pretty much figured out from the promos.  Basically, that whole ritual sacrifice thingy, which actually had nothing at all to do with the finale or how Darach Jenny was ultimately defeated has made them Stiles, Scott and Allison, nutzo.  And so they all need to  . . . wait for it . . . close the doors in their brains to keep them from going straight to hell and letting all the evil demons escape into the world, just like they keep threatening to do but never actually do on The Vampire Diaries  . . .

demons

helpful

Don’t worry Isaac.  At least you were more helpful than Deaton, this week!

In Seemingly Unrelated News . . .

This guy . . .

le douche

 . . . is a total douche, who is trying to take Stiles’ dad’s Sheriff job away, seemingly just because that’s the kind of thing douches do.

Stiles’ dad, of course, wants to keep his job, and randomly decides that solving a REALLY, REALLY cold case involving a missing little girl who IF she was still alive she’s totally still alive would be Stiles’ age now, is precisely the way to do it . . .

Meet, not really dead Malia Tate . . .

malia tate

Her mother and sister(?) were killed in what may or may not have been a wolf mauling, but her body was never found. Malia Tate looks a bit like a younger version of this lady, Shelly Hennig, who has signed on to be a “Super Secret Important Character on this Show.”

malia older

They even have the same side part in their hair!

For reasons that don’t quite make sense to me, Stiles’ dad decides to visit Malia’s slightly strange, and very pissed off, still grieving father, who has a strange obsession with, and seeming hatred, for coyotes  . . .

holding trap

“Coyotes are evil.  My missing daughter and/or I might be a were-coyote.

  . . . so that Scott can quite literally sniff around Malia’s room, and see if he can pick up her scent, despite her not having lived in the house for about ten years . . .

smelling stuff

She must have been a really smelly girl?

Scott can’t seem to latch on to Malia’s body odor.  But he and Stiles do have a fun little encounter with another smelly creature .. .

hanging with doggy

“Please let me join your pack.  I’m already house trained.”

cute dog

“I’m also a very good finder.”

Stiles and Scott narrowly escape the Tate home without being discovered by Creepy Papa Tate.  Later that night, the two of them head off into the night in search of Malia’s dead body.  (Riiiiiight, because this strategy of searching for dead things in the forest has served them both so well in the past . . .)

teen wolf chewed body

And while they don’t locate Malia’s corpse, the best friends do come upon one of her baby dolls, which, just so happens to have the best working batteries of any toy I’ve ever seen  . . .

hungry

What toy works that well after 10 years?  Even the Chuckie doll  from the Child’s Play series has started to show signs of slowing down, and he’s possessed by an honest-to-goodness serial killer . . .

Later that night, Scott stumbles upon a coyote or wolf (I’m not really good at differentiating between K-9′s) and is inexplicably convinced it’s Malia . . .

malia

It’s important to note that the creature .. .  whatever it is . . .  has blue eyes, which means it has killed innocents (possibly its own family members . . . possibly by accident, during a Full Moon turn).  So, who is it . . . Malia Tate?   Her father?  The Mysterious Kira?  It’s probably too soon to know for sure.

Oh, and for those of you who have been wondering where Derek and Sassy Peter have been all episode . . . the answer will shock you . . .

hostage

electroshock therapy

electrifying

Poor Derek!  He can’t even make it through one episode without having his manhood burned and denigrated in some way.  But hey, at least he still looks good shirtless . . .

ep 9 yeah shirtless derek

Some thing never change . . .

Next week on Teen Wolf . . .

And if that didn’t whet your appetite, perhaps this will . . .

http://www.mtv.com/shows/teen_wolf/ep-14-sneak-peek/991310/video/#id=1719787

Until next time, Werebangers!  Sweet dreams . . .

stydia kiss 5

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Are You Ready to Rumble? – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s Season 3A Finale “Lunar Ellipse”

im the alpha

alpha now

im the alpha

stiles alphabet 1 allisonargents

When I was little, my dad used to love watching WWF Wrestling.  I never got the appeal, personally.  The fat ugly guys dressed in weird costumes . . . the fake fights . . . the ridiculously badly written skits the various fighters would be forced to act out prior to each match . . . the fact that every match began with a pre-ordained Designated Loser, thereby taking all the intrigue and guesswork out of the entire viewing experience.

rip my blouse

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One thing I did enjoy about WWF Wrestling was the announcer . . . and how, before every match, he’d say in this booming voice, “Let’s get ready to RUMBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEE,” always carrying out the last syllable of the word “rumble” for as long as humanly possible.

Now, that guy was awesome!  In fact, I spent a good portion of my childhood, trying to be That Guy.  So much so, that I’d been known to run around my house repeating those words, ad nauseam.  “Are you ready to rumblllle?  Are you ready to rummblllllleee?  Are you ready to rumbllllllle?”

stop hounding me

In case you haven’t guessed it by now, I was kind of an annoying kid . . .

In WWF Wrestling, every once in a while, they’d have these events called Cage Matches, where pretty much the entire cast . . . Good Guys, Bad Guys, and Designated Losers . . . would get thrown into the ring at the same time.  Sometimes a few of the fighters would form alliances with one another . . . good guys versus bad . . . plotting, strategizing, taking turns at fighting, so as not to tire themselves out.

dancing derek and ennis

But most of the time they all just beat the crap out of one another, with no rhyme or reason at all . . .

not sure how to stop

“Lunar Ellipse” kind of reminded me of one of those Cage Matches.

In a season that contained more villains than any one preceding it, this week’s finale had the unenviable task of deciding what to do with them all.   Putting them in the same room, and letting them beat the crap out of one another, must have seemed like the most logical solution . . .

kung fu fighting - Copy

This is not to say it was a bad episode.  It wasn’t . . . at all.  “Lunar Ellipse” offered a ton of action, some solid fight scenes, and a neat little conclusion, which, while providing the kind of closure fans need going into a four-month hiatus, also paved the way for some intriguing future story lines.  I just suspect that the episode appealed a lot more to people who are fans of say . . . WWF Wrestling, than fans like me . . . who spent half the length of her last recap dissecting a 15-second long kiss between Stiles and Lydia . . . which this episode never mentioned, by the way.  It was almost as if it never happened  . . .

sex me now

[Of course, I must thank my good pal Andre for working tirelessly each week to provide me, and the five people who read this, a collection of some of the best Teen Wolf screencaps you'll find on the internet.  And I can say that, without being conceited, because I have no hand in their creation, whatsoever. You rock, Andre.  And I'd totally want you at my side, if I ever found myself in a cage match . .  .]

crying stiles

And so, without further adieu, “Let’s get ready to RUMMMMMMBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLEEEE!”

The Wet Nap

When we last left our heroes, Stiles, Scott and Allison had decided to cope with the prospective loss of their parental units by taking baths.

tsst

glurg

burgle

This, coincidentally, is the solution Trusty Veterinarian Deaton suggests for all all major problems on this show.  It’s his deus ex bath-shina.  Then again, maybe he’s just really into hygiene.

cryptic vet

magic eraser

When the episode opens, the threesome awaken, surprised to find that their bathtubs have been moved to some random empty office building with a big ole tree stump in the center.  Basically, this whole scene can serve as a PSA for the dangers of smoking too much weed, before taking your deus ex bath-shina.

in tub

office space

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the tree

Sorry . . . I just couldn’t help myself.

Stiles, Scott and Allison each touch the tree, triggering their memories of the time they first encountered it, which, coincidentally, happened to all three of them on the same night.

touching the tree

Of course, I’m referring to the night from the pilot episode.  You know, the one where Scott and Stiles went out into the woods in search of a dead body, the night before the first day of school.  Then, Scott ended up getting bitten by Werewolf Peter Hale AND almost hit by a car driven by Allison Argent’s mom.

baby scottdead girl

“Remember me?”

big eyes

goofy stiles

why do i

Why do I look significantly older than everyone else?  Oh yeah . . . because my scene wasn’t shot three years ago.”

i love youuuu

“I love you Allisssssssssoooooooooon!”

You all recall seeing a big fat tree stump in that scene, don’t you?

memba tree

“Remember tree?”

look confused

No?  Well, that, my friends, is what we in The Biz ” (I’m not really in The Biz.  Being in The Biz would require me to actually get paid for doing this.) call RET-CON.

(I do, however, remember Scott almost getting hit by a car. And I’m intrigued by the notion that Davis always planned to have the Argents play the role of Hit-and-Runners.  If so, that was some pretty crafty story boarding on his part.  If not . . .)

stefan shrug

Upon waking up back in Deaton’s office, the kids learn they’ve been snoozing in their bathtubs for SIXTEEN HOURS!  SIXTEEN HOURS . . . that’s almost an entire day!  I thought they’d be more, you know, brain dead, from lack of oxygen . . . or at least a little pruney.

dont get it wet

Before . . .

wet gremlin

After . . .

Actually, the whole “out for 16 hours” conceit really seems like nothing more than a plot-manufactured time jump to get us closer to the time when the Lunar Eclipse is meant to occur.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, I loved the way the Surrogate  Sacrifices concept was portrayed in the last few moments of Alpha Pact, and the opening moments of this episode.  It was poignant, visually appealing, and compellingly morbid.  I adored how each hero carried a totem of his or her parent into the water, and how Stiles, Allison and Scott each literally put their lives in the hands of someone they cared about.  It was all very Inception-esque. . . in a good way.

inception water

spinning-top-inception

But there was one teensy tiny problem with this whole design .  . . THERE WERE NO ACTUAL SACRIFICES!!!!

verbal keyboard smash

By temporarily suiciding themselves in bathtubs, Stiles, Scott and Allison did not, as was initially suggested, free their parents from the Darach’s clutches.  Instead, it just made them into Human GPS’s for a big ole’ tree stump that, honesty, didn’t look all that hard to find in the first place.

ep 9 obviously stiles

And since I’m nitpicking, what exactly did Isaac, Deaton and Lydia do for those sixteen hours, while their friends were “dead?”  Sleep?  Pray?  Marathon the entire first two seasons of Teen Wolf?  (Without commercials, of course.)

ep 5 not watching notebook again

I’m just saying there were probably at least one or two more efficient ways the Scooby Gang could have spent their time, during the last sixteen hours before the Druid Apocalypse, than Bath Time with Rubber Duckie . . .

rub my ducky

pissed at sleeping

“Couldn’t you have put an alarm clock in there or something?”

Also sleeping on the job, since last week?  Der Bear.

grooming

Source

We find him in his loft, being lovingly coddled by a no-longer-spewing-black-goo Cora.  Meanwhile, Peter Hale screams at him to hurry up and actually do something heroic, and/or run and hide under a table from that wacky lady with foot fungus, who seems intent on murdering them all . . . whichever he prefers . . .

lizard people, geriatric psycho

Hiding under the table is looking like a more attractive option, by the minute . . .

Breaking and Entering

Back at the Vet’s office, Ethan . . .

ethan

gay one

. . . pops by to see Lydia.  And I’m wondering how he knew she was there.  Is her scent so strong that it could be tracked after sixteen hours?  That’s a LOT of perfume . . .

what are you doing here

DEATON: “Why is he here?  I thought you were dating the other one?”

LYDIA: “Beats me.  I’ve been screwing the guy for months, and I still can’t tell the two of them apart.”

Perhaps, he popped by her mom’s house, and asked if the red-headed teen could come out to play.  Then, Mama Martin replied, “I’m sorry Sexy Teen.  Lydia isn’t home.  In fact, she hasn’t been home for over 24 hours.  Last I checked, she went to visit that creepy veterinarian at his office, after hours.  Hmmm . . . I wonder if I should be concerned for her well-being.  Probably not.  I mean I did her hair this morning, and she looked so cute.  Girls with cute hair NEVER get murdered by creepy veterinarians who have no friends their own age, right?”

harm a hair lol

Lydia and Ethan head to Chez Derek to confirm for him, what he pretty much already knows . . . that Kali Toe Jam is coming to his house to kill him.

lyd back

chatting together

So, now would be a good time to run screaming like a little girl.  Lydia helpfully notes using her Banshee-Spidey Senses that she feels like she’s standing on a graveyard, which the Hales immediately take to mean that if Derek stays at home he’ll die there.  But, I don’t know . . . didn’t Boyd die in Derek’s house?

boyd kicking ass

too soon haha - Copy

Back in “Scott-Land,” McCall and Co. are skipping around to their various homes, so that the wolf can smell Allison’s and Stiles’ dad’s personal items, and “follow his nose” to the Darach’s lair.

in home

“Don’t worry Stiles.  I won’t mistake your underwear for your dad’s.  I’ve sniffed your boxers before.  They have a very distinct scent . . . particularly after lacrosse practice.”

Wait . . . what?  Don’t they know where the parents are already?  Isn’t that what the 16-hour wet dream was for?  Is there a plot specific purpose for Scott’s inexplicable desire to sniff Chris Argent’s boxers?

sniffing

smell something

Oh . . . now I get it . . . they had to run back to Allison’s house, so that they could have a run-in with This Guy . . .

daddy o

. . . a.k.a. FBI Douche . . . a.k.a. Scott’s Dad . . .

not you

ALLISON: “Is that what you are going to look like in 25 years?  Because I could live with that.”

ISAAC: “Me too.  He’s kind of a DILF.”

How did he get in?  I hope he has a warrant.  Nevermind.  This is Beacon Hills we are talking about here.  The only laws that matter here, are the Laws of the Jungle .  . .

Jungle Boogie

How many Alpha Males do you know that let girls fight their battles for them?

ep 9 yeah derek just teenwolf

So, Derek goes to hide under a rock somewhere, leaving Lydia and Ethan to house sit for him.  (You know, because he has so much expensive furniture for people to steal.)

ill get you

“I’ll slay you with my snide comments about your poor personal hygiene, and uninspired fashion sense.”

A few seconds later, that car alarm Derek installed in his wall, goes off, and in comes Kali Feet-for-Brains . . .

kali here

“Bored now . . .”

. . . along with Aiden . . .

and aiden

straight one

Aiden starts off fighting at Kali’s side.  But his alliance shifts quickly when Kali starts talking smack on his showmance girlfriend Lydia.  Do I smell a Character Rehabilitation?

mad ethan

Josh-can-smell-something-being-human-us-17734049-400-210

“Smells like Jackson’s replacement.”

Something is missing from this little party.  What can it be?  Oh, wait, I know . . . an Evil Druid in tight leather pants!

came through ceiling

That’s better.  Now, we can REALLY have some fun . . .

stiles dancing at gay bar melchiors

Cue the 80′s Video Game Theme Music.  It’s time for a Girl Fight!

Now, as much as I usually snooze through extended battle scenes, I have to say, this one is pretty awesome.  There is something elegant, and almost graceful about the well choreographed way Jenny the Darach and Kali attempt to kick one another’s asses.

dancing kali and jen dancing jen 2 dancing 3 dancing 4 dancing 5

lets put our heads together

“Let’s put our heads together and strategize.”

not happening

“Not so fast, Siamese Lunkhead Twins.”

(I guess they should have merged by Aiden fisting Ethan, like they did last time . . . These guys brains are clearly not their strongest organs.)

And then, all of the sudden, they stop fighting, and the music gets all cheesy and romantic.  Jenny is talking about how much prettier she is, now that she has her Magic Coochie, and doesn’t have to look like Lord Voldemort 24-7.  Then she starts levitating, while Kali gazes at her lovingly.  And I’m thinking, if this were another show, these two chicks would make for some really hot lesbians . . .

looking loving

looking loving 2

Then, Jenny throws some glass from the ceiling in Kali’s face, and she dies instantly.

opens ceiling glass blower glass in face

dead kali

BabyScared

Wait . . . WHAT?  Did I miss something?

Please tell me that Jenny Darach didn’t murder virgins, soldiers, philosophers, and countless birds, just so that she’d have enough strength to shove a one-inch thick shard in someone’s face.

Solstice Sunglass Boutique - Safilo USA at the HBO Luxury Lounge In Honor Of The 66th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Day 1

Should have worn these . . .  could have saved her life.

I’ve seen carpenter ants that are harder to kill than Kali .   . .

Anyway, nice knowing ya, Wolf Girl.  I hope they find a coffin for you that’s large enough to fit your massively long toe nails . . .

feet

Worry not, Lydia.  It’s Shrek to the rescue!

shrek to the res

offended shrek

. . . or . . . maybe not.

neck snap down on floor

You know that old adage about always wearing clean underwear, so that, if you die, you don’t have to be embarrassed about the state of your skivvies?  Well, I’m pretty sure the same goes for wearing YOUR OWN PAIR OF PANTS . . .

Sensitive chick that she is, Jenny Darach tries to cheer up a bereft Lydia, by quoting, the always Hilarious Coach Crackhead . . .

bigger bigger

“The bigger they are . . . the harder they fall the bigger they are . . . indeed.

Where there’s smoke, there’s a screamer.

Boys and their toys .  . .

sitting showing weapons

Allison cleverly uses her impressive knowledge of advanced artillery to mesmerize Scott’s dad, before gassing him with a grenade, and using the diversion she created to escape with her harem of wolf men . . .

can of whoop ass

“And this weapon is what I like to call a Big Ole Can of Whoop Ass.”

Elsewhere in town, an abnormally thick fog causes Stiles to get into a car accident, and Lydia screams . . . though the two events aren’t necessarily related.

driving stiles fogcrash

lyd screams

Derek hears Lydia scream, and decides to return to town, which kind of seems counter intuitive to me.  Correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t Derek running away like a little wussy, BECAUSE Lydia sensed death?

ep 9 no fit gravyjones

And since she’s a banshee, isn’t Lydia’s scream supposed to signify that someone’s death is imminent . . . someone like Derek?

nodding oh yeah

Do they not teach logic in Werewolf School?

View to a Death

All over Beacon Hills, heroes and villains are preparing for their battle royale.  Allison and Isaac FINALLY find that damn root cellar, where all the parents are being held . .  .

find cellar 1

find cellar 2

Scott reluctantly agrees to join forces with Deucalion against the Darach.

with deuc

Derek inexplicably links himself with Jenny once again.  (That must be one SERIOUSLY POWERFUL Magic Coochie.)

dennifer

And Stiles . . . Stiles?  Bueller?

sleeping stiles

Back in La Casa de Ineffective Alpha, Cora and Lydia watch Shrek morph back into two teenage boys, each with their own pair of pants.

find boys

find boys 2

“These two are so much more likeable when they are unconscious.”

They decide to bring the pair to Vet Deaton.  Maybe he’ll make them take a bath, like he does with everyone else . . .

magic eraser

And then, because this episode hasn’t satisfied its product placement quote, Scott sends the Evil Darach a message on her Android phone . . . you know, because villains use Androids and heroes use iPhones, just saying . . .

revenge sign

reading text

“Is he for real with this sh*t?”

Who’s Your Alpha?

It’s fitting that the final Cage Match between all our characters occurs right under the revenge sign Ennis made, back in “Visionary.”  The Same Vengeance Sign that led to Gerard blinding Deucalion, which led to Deucalion creating his Alpha Pack, which led to his Alpha Pack killing their emissaries, which led to Kali not-quite killing Julia Baccaria / Jennifer Blake.   This was the Vengeance Sign that started everything.  And it would be a great place for everything to end, except for the fact that Scott and Derek are both under the delusion that being a “Good Guy” means having to be a “Doofus.”   But we’ll get to that soon enough . . .

ephemeral

Anyway, our chance to see Death -Destroyer-of-Worlds Deucalion’s Alpha Form has finally arrived.  Let’s take a look, shall we?

cyber smurf

Interesting . . . he’s kind of like a cross between an Evil Cyborg . . .

terminator

.  . . and a Smurf.

Movie_Grouchy_Smurf

Or, maybe like a blue version of Jim Carrey’s character in The Mask.

jim carrey mask

Sure, Peter’s Gorilla-Alpha, and Jackson’s Kanaima were scarier.  But Demon Wolf gets points for making a fashion statement.  Blue is, after all, the new black.  Smurf-Borg does to a pretty good job of kicking Jenny the Darach’s ass . . . at least until Scott creates a familiar diversion . . .

come at me bro

come at me bro! noo hahahah familiar diversion

Annnnnnnd then comes the Lunar Eclipse.

luna r e

Welcome back, Lord Voldemortette.  We’ve missed you!

voldemorteet

“Wait . . . let’s talk about this Jenny the Darach.  Before you kill Deucalion, don’t you want him to see how ugly you look in the morning without your makeup on,” Derek offers hopefully.

your adorable prettylittlegossipgirl

Come on, Jenny.  You’ve been a fairly intelligent villain up until now.  You aren’t going to fall for this one, are you?

But she does!  Perhaps, the Lunar Eclipse not only deprives werewolves of their powers, it also makes television characters into morons.  Knowing that she only has 15 minutes to kill the guy she’s been waiting eagerly to kill since 2002, Jenny the Darach suddenly decides that it’s more important to (1) fix his eyesight, so that he can WATCH her kill him, and (2) play pattycake with Derek!

eye fix

der and jen

Villains the world over, are hanging their heads in shame . . .

draco malfoy facepalm

I like how the writers analogized Derek’s endurance of his Stage-Five-Clinger Girlfriend’s ineffective punches to his human form, to Derek’s endurance of his errant werewolf children’s scratches, back when they went all rabid batty, early on in the season . . .

torn up derek 1

Then, the Lunar Eclipse is over, and everyone’s back to Werewolf Cage Fighting . . . except for Jenny, who has a meme to share with all of you.

mountain ash

“I know you like cages, so I put a cage in your cage,” she says.

And I bet you’ll never guess what that cage is made out of?  That’s right!

mountain ash

This annoying ass brown dirt is fast becoming a lead character on this show.  It’s the deus ex dirtshina.

making mountain ash

Now, Scott is miming again.  Get it?  He’s the man outside the box.  We’ve been here before . . .

more bubble

bubble pop 1

Jenny calmly tells him he should probably be thinking more about saving the parents, who are stuck underground in an avalanche, than putting on a show.  But Scott will not be deterred from his performance.  Besides, he knows that, as per usual, “his pack” will do all the dirty work of saving lives, while he pops bubbles with his mind  . . .

That’s right.  It’s Stiles . . . in the root cellar .  . . with his trusty bat.  How’s that for an answer in the game of Clue.

im batman haa

batman catwoman

im batman

(P.S. I’m so glad he didn’t die in that car accident.  I hope the massive head injuries he suffered from his airbag not deploying have no long-term impact.)

Speaking of not-dead, Deaton puts gas masks on the Alpha Twins, and they magically come back to life.  You know, because gas masks heal broken necks all the time!

saved

I’m teasing Mr. D.  In all seriousness, I’m proud of the guy.  At least he didn’t throw the twins in an ice bath, this time . . .

Back in the Cage Fight, “True Alpha” Scott finally pops that pesky bubble.

bigger bubble

And Deucalion easily dispenses with Jenny Darach, by gently nipping at her neck with his nails.  That’s embarrassing . . .

neck swipe 2

Surely, Scott and Derek are going to kill the Son of a B*tch now aren’t they?

done trying to kill

NO?  NOOOOO??? They are going to let the guy live, because they heard that one time, back in 2002, for a few days, he was a nice guy?

im a moron

“I’m a moron.”

HE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DEATHS OF AT LEAST THREE PACKS OF WOLVES!!!!! AND THOSE ARE THE ONES WE KNOW ABOUT!  HE TRIED TO MANIPULATE SCOTT AND DEREK TO KILL EVERYONE THEY CARE ABOUT, AND VERY NEARLY SUCCEEDED.  AND THEY ARE JUST GOING TO LET HIM GO?  JUST BECAUSE?

smash 2

soap dish smash

smash

verbal keyboard smash

WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?

haha losers

“See ya in Season 3B, SUCKERS!”

I’m kind of relieved this season is over.   This show increases my blood pressure . . .

Back at the Argent house, Allison has chosen a new credo for the Werewolf Hunters, “We help those who can’t help themselves.”

help those

Nice right?  Except, the old credo: “Only kill werewolves that murder innocent humans,” was pretty nice too.  The problem was that NOBODY FOLLOWED THE CREDO, EXCEPT CHRIS ARGENT.

argents

Here’s hoping the Argent’s improve their reading comprehension in Season 3B . . .

At school, everything seems to have gone back to normal, except everyone seems to have coupled off.  And Scott and Stiles have to pretend they don’t care that they are the only two people out of their entire group of friends, who aren’t getting laid . . .

aid lyd better eth dan better isal stiles and scott

blue balls

never have sex

Also, Derek left town with Cora .  . . a major plot development that will probably last until about 10 minutes into Season 3B.

left town

. . . which brings us to our final scene, and it’s flashback . . . to about ten minutes ago in the episode.

Jenny Darach is ALLLLIIIIIIIIVE!  She’s crawling to her precious Nemeton . . . hoping it will save her a second time.

save me

But Magic Tree is having NONE of Magic Coochie.  Not when she had this great chance at World Domination and blew it so royally.   Nahh, Nemeton is going to grant its power to a WINNER this time around.  A winner like THIS GUY . . .

out on top

kills

always been the alpha

Source

And that’s all she wrote folks.  Thanks for sharing Teen Wolf with me this summer.  It’s truly been a blast.  See you January 6th!

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Family Values – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “The Alpha Pact”

never the same stilinski stiles

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Every single one of us has two families.  We have the family into which we were born . . . our parents, siblings, aunts and uncles . . . with whom we share a genetic code and a legacy.

ep 8 stiles dad hug fyeah

ep 8 scott and mom

argents

And we have the family we choose . . . our friends and lovers . . . with whom we share common interests, a history, and bonds of loyalty.

bloody scott

lets die together

woah shes up

tearful lyd

stalking

To each of these families we owe certain obligations.  To the former — who have given us the gift of life, and enabled our existence — we owe a duty to fight for our survival at all costs, so that we can carry on the family name, and secure its place in history, no matter how small or insignificant that place might seem to outsiders.

fall

To the latter, we owe our devotion and support.  We vow to stand by them in times of strife.  Carry them when they are weak.  Bolster them, when they are strong.  And we hope they do the same for us.

sterek comfort

“The Alpha Pact” saw each of the members of our stalwart Scooby Gang struggling to simultaneously fulfill their obligations to each of their respective families, even though those obligations seemed to be in conflict with one another.

ready to heal

This week’s “family-friendly” installment of Teen Wolf is brought to you by the letter “S” for “suicide” (sort-of) . . .

waiting to go

“sacrifice”

kidnapped dad

“sucking face”

stydia kiss 4

teen wolf allison argent stiles

“Scott’s Dad” (Surprise!)

um sure ok

And, of course, “Stiles” . . .

mischeivous stiles

Let’s review, shall we?

nodding oh yeah

[As always, a big hearty thanks to stellar screencapper Andre, who has never once tried to drown me while I was submerged in an ice bath, no matter how many times his sage veterinarian told him to do so . . .]

Rude Awakening

huh wakeup

“My new alarm clock is very aggressive.”

We begin the episode with Stiles b*tch slapping the crap out of Derek, while straddling him in the middle of an otherwise abandoned elevator . .  . or as Sterek fans like to call it . . . “foreplay.”

straddle elevator

“Doing this isn’t going to get me pregnant, is it?”

Derek wakes up just seconds before Stiles can punch him in the face . . .

ouchi punchy

 . . . which is weird, because punching people in the face is usually what you do when you want them to pass out, not wake up.  Of course, after Stiles breaks the news to Derek that his psycho girlfriend made off with his friends’ parents, Cora’s still dying, and Scott may have just decided to join Team Evil, the D-list Alpha wolf is probably wishing he had hit the snooze alarm a few more hundred times . . .

torn up derek 2

Cheer up, Der Bear!  It’s not so bad!  At least you got to get your arm fondled by Stiles in an enclosed space . . .

sterek wakeup

Source

big sterek

Outside the hospital, the mere sight of Allison and Chris Argent, a.k.a. the folks whose aunt / sister he killed, back when he was the Big Bad Gorilla-Looking Thing, make this little Piggy, Peter Hale, cry “wee wee wee wee wee,” all the way back to Derek’s loft.

chillin in car

“Oh hey, look, it’s Allison and Chris Argent!  Yoo-hoo, Argents!  Come meet my new pal, Peter!”

given slip

“Peter? Maybe he had to pee . . .”

If the cast of Teen Wolf were ever sorted into Hogwarts houses, Peter would totally be  the Slytherin, to Scott’s, Allison’s, and Derek’s Gryffindor, Isaac’s Hufflepuff (He IS a really good “finder.”), and Stiles’ and Lydia’s Ravenclaw.  When he’s not pumped up on Epinephrine, posing as a teen in Lydia’s hallucinations, or dressed in a gorilla suit, Peter’s a total wussy.  And I love that about him.  It’s all very Draco Malfoy . . .

beat up draco

scared peter - Copy

Sometimes bravery in the face of total and complete danger is akin to stupidity.  And  say what you will about Peter Hale.  But the dude is definitely not stupid . . . which is more than we can say for some other “braver” characters on this show .  . .

ephemeral

Speaking of Scott . . .

The Bad Dad

After waking up from his little Elevator Nap, Derek rushes to retrieve Dying Cora, so he can bring her back to his loft.  In doing so, he inadvertently abandons Stiles, who, in turn, gets to hang out in the hospital waiting room, looking broodier and sexier than we’ve seen him look in quite some time . . .

better moody stiles pic

Misery looks good on you, Sweetie.

It’s there that the unofficial Alpha of Team Human runs into This Guy . . .

scotts dad 1

We find out This Guy’s true identity soon enough.  (Hint: See the title of this section.)  However, since, at this point in the story, who he is has yet to be revealed, I’m simply going to refer to him as . . . FBI Douche.

3 7 fun police oh miss nothing

As an American viewer, I am comforted to know that if my hometown sprouted a serial killer every few months,  by the 23rd or 24th death in under a year, my government would finally care enough to send its very best douche to investigate.  That’s your proud tax dollars at work, Wolfbangers!

stydia big 2

As with most federal law enforcement guys in film and television, FBI Douche seems like he has an axe to grind with our heroes, a personal vendetta that may or may not take precedence over the case that he’s trying to solve.  Case-in-point, when the Sheriff of a town with a Dead Cop Problem, mysteriously goes missing, FBI Douche’s first instinct is to badger the guy’s teenage son about his dad’s alcohol consumption habits.

stiles alphabet 1 allisonargents

stiles alphabet2 allisonargents

Source

FBI Douche isn’t totally useless, however.  He does reveal a heretofore unrecognized talent of our current lady killer . . .

evil jenny

Apparently, in addition to having a Magic Coochie, being capable of performing (and un-performing) plastic surgery on her face just by turning head from side to side . . .

mistletoed

 . . . forcing people to chant in Druid against their will, and causing them to experience intense hallucinations, Jenny the Darach is also a master graffiti artist . . .

taunting

Who knew?

Speaking of females with odd talents, let’s talk about Cora Hale, or, as I like to call her, The Girl Who Spewed Too Much . . .

The Lone(ly) Wolf

dying cora army

“I hate puking up black goo all the time, but it sure makes for a rocking shade of lipstick.”

Derek’s chilling in the loft with his girl Cora.  I mean, sure, he’s pretty much just letting her die, and ignoring the fact that she needs obvious medical attention.  But hey, at least he changed her out of that unflattering hospital gown, and dressed her in sexy army fatigues.  Because, really, who wants to die while wearing blue plastic?

ep 9 no fit gravyjones

Unfortunately for Derek, his beta boo, Isaac, doesn’t agree with me about the importance of being “fashionably dead.”  He believes Derek should do penance for his brief (and ridiculous) communion with the Evil Magic Coochie .  . .

mackin

turning on channel

“This porn is AWESOME.”

 . . . and like . . . actually try and save people and stuff . . .

isaac is mad at you

“You are way too hot to suck this bad as a half- human being.”

For me, the most interesting part of the scene is when Isaac asks Derek why he bothered to turn him, Boyd and Erika, in the first place, especially since, at least on the surface, he never seemed to have any interest at all in leading them, or even protecting them .  . .

wolf pack

wolf pack turne

It’s pretty gut wrenching when Isaac accuses Derek of turning  three innocent teens into supernatural monster killers, just because the latter wanted to have friends; and Derek doesn’t immediately disagree with his pack member’s assessment.

cowed derek thinker

the_thinker

The accusation begins to sound even worse, when you consider the fact that, had Derek not turned Boyd and Erika into werewolves, last season, they’d probably both be alive today .  . .

you are a monster

When Isaac storms off to be with his new love interests, Allison and Scott  (Can you say, “threesome”?) . . .

gotcha al

Sassy Peter magically appears to comfort his nephew.

seductive peter

“Don’t feel bad, DerBear.  Isaac isn’t abandoning you because you are a sucky leader.  He’s abandoning you because he’s bored of humping you, and wants to hump Scott and Allison.  The fact that you are a sucky leader is just an added bonus!”

Good Ole Uncle Pete . . . always managing to look on the bright side of life.

sour wolf

Peter also intimates that Derek can save Cora, by using his Alpha power to transfer her pain on to him.  But doing so could render Derek un-Alphaed, or worse dead.  Peter cleverly tries to reverse psychology his not too bright nephew into doing this, by telling him how much he shouldn’t do it, and how, by doing it, he would be playing right into Jennifer’s Darach-y hands.

peter being shady

Basically, Peter is using the old “Red Button Trick.”  You know, the one where someone tells you:  “Don’t push the red button.  It’s SOOOO COOL to push it, but totally dangerous.  So, whatever you do . . . don’t push it.  No matter how much you really, really want to . . . or that it’s the only thing you can think about right now . . . or that it seems to be your life’s mission to push that red button.  Just don’t push it.  PUSH THE RED BUTTON!    PUSH IT GOOD!  PUSH. . .  THE . . . BUTTON.  The red button is SEX.  Don’t push the red button.  Do you hear me?”

easy button

Some have speculated, based on this scene alone, that taking the Alpha status back from Derek may have been Peter’s design all along . . .the reason he’s been “hanging out” with the Scoobies, all this time.  Some have even gone as far as to suggest that it was Peter and not Jenny the Darach, who poisoned Cora, for this exact reason.  I wouldn’t put it past him . . .

big prob

In other spunky relative news . . .

Parental Guidance Suggested

Papa Argent attempts to reassure his daughter and Stiles, that he won’t end up tied to a big ole tree like some other parents on this show, because he has a big . . . “gun.”

phallic gun

Though he doesn’t want to be rude to his friend’s dad, Stiles is unimpressed and particularly comforted by this, basically because Stiles, himself, also has a big “gun” . . .

condom 2

condom 3

And if Stiles has a big “gun,” there’s a good chance Sheriff Stilinski has one as well.  I mean, he’s the Sheriff, right?  What’s a Sheriff, without his big “gun?”

big gun

And he still ended up tied to a tree by a girl  . . .

well this is awkward

As for Isaac, he KNOWS the size of his gun, is no match for the Argents or the Stilinskis.  But he’s got other assets to offer the ladies (and men).  For instance, he’s REALLY good with his hands . . .

bad manicure

While Stiles heads back to school to retrieve his Dead Body version of a Metal Detector, Lydia Martin, Isaac and Allison accompany Papa Argent to the vault, where he surprises the two kids by electrocuting them, and handcuffing them to a wall, respectively.

BabyScared

It turns out, Papa Argent isn’t planning on using his big gun on Jenny the Darach at all.  He’s planning to join the Parents-Tied-to-a-Tree-Party!

ready to be taken

“I make bad decisions.”

busted cool

“That’s OK.  I find incompetence a major turn-on.  It’s why I dated Derek for three episodes.”

To be honest, I’m not really sure how exactly Papa Argent thinks he’s going to save Beacon Hills, without the use of his “Big Gun,” or his “Dexterous Hands.”  But I’d really, really like to see him try .  . .

want to kiss you

ISAAC: “Would it be inappropriate for me to make out with you, right after you just found out your dad is probably going to die?”

ALLISON: “A little . . . yeah.”

hugsies is al

ISAAC: “Can I still fondle your boobs?”

ALLISON: “That would be nice.  Thanks.”

That’s right, Werebangers.  Strife brings people closer.  It reminds us that our time on Earth is limit.  It lowers our inhibitions, and forces us to seize the moment.  Which brings me to . . .

Leave Me Breathless

proud of neck scars

This sweet mother/daughter moment between Lydia, and the-mom-who-didn’t-seem-to-notice-that-her-daughter-had-a-different-strange-guy-in-her-bed-every-night-this-summer . . .

sex again

. . . is brought to you by Tampax Tampons . . .

tampon-med1

All kidding aside, I enjoyed this quiet, subtle scene.  Not only does it offer a nice bonding moment between two characters who we rarely get to see interact with one another.  It also illustrates just how far Lydia has come as a character since Season 1.

lydia brave tatikatelena

This once shallow, vain, girl, who hid her intelligence, because she thought it would make her less popular . . . who was ashamed by her connection to the dead . . . who would never be caught dead without makeup on, is now displaying the neck scars she received last week from Jenny the Darach proudly, because their existence makes her a Survivor.

proud of neck scars 2

You GO GIRL!

lydia smirk

So, of course, a new, wise and mature, Lydia needs a new, wise and mature boyfriend, am I right, ladies?

nodding oh yeah

Upon receiving an update on the first twenty minutes of the show from Stiles, Lydia decides that Jenny the Darach might have had some other reason for trying to murder her, apart from her being a banshee.  So, the pair inexplicably head off to school, to talk to Aiden?

now im pissed

straight one

Unfortunately, before they can do this, Stiles gets a text message from Isaac that Papa Argent is missing.  And that Jenny from the Block of Druids now has not one, not two, but THREE parents in her murder collection.

panic attack stiles

Oh, hello, Stiles’ Panic Attacks!  Long time, no see . . .

Lydia pulls the hyperventilating Stiles into the skanky boys locker room, in hopes that the stink of male teenage sweat will stop Stiles from breathing in through his nose so much . . . but to no avail . . .

stop the attack

“It smells like feet in here.  And I wanna die!”

Next Lydia tries the old “Think Happy Thoughts” cure.  After all, it worked for those kids in Peter Pan.  It made them fly!

calm down please

“Happy Thoughts?”

care-bear-funshine-umbrella

Unfortunately, for Stiles, his “Happy Thoughts” involve his good relationship with his dad . . . who is about to be killed . . . the girl who was going to get him laid . . . who is ALREADY DEAD . . . and his best friend . . . who just gave his soul to some guy called The Demon Wolf.

dead baby day 2

Fortunately for Lydia, Stiles has one happy thought left in his bank, that has yet to be marred by Jenny the Darach . . .

(Werebangers, if the Play button on the below video looks a little funny, it’s because I wore it out by pressing it 85,000 times this week . . .)

Let’s over-analyze this scene, shall we?

nodding oh yeah

Let’s start with Lydia . . . there are two possible ways to read her reaction to this moment.  The first is by taking her at her word.  She read somewhere that holding one’s breath stops a panic attack.  And so, in a moment of impulse, she covers Stiles’ mouth with hers, forcing him to involuntarily hold his breath . . .

trying to stop it

say what

lips mouth

But there’s something about the intense, dare I say, loving way that Lydia looks at Stiles, right before she pulls him in for the kiss that makes me think her explanation of her actions is less than truthful . . .

stydia kiss 1

(All the Stydia kiss pics in this section have been brought to you by This Awesome Tumblr)

A clinical “hold your breath” kiss would have involved a brusque and cursory pressing of Lydia’s mouth against Stiles.  But Lydia kisses Stiles slowly, caressing the sides of his face, and tilting his head upward, as she makes the connection.  When Stiles does begin to hold his breath, she doesn’t stop kissing him.  Instead, she deepens the kiss, pressing her lips against his even more intensely . . .

stydia kiss3 screwyapic

When Lydia finally pulls away from Stiles, she seems entranced by what just happened.  Upon coming to her senses, Lydia appears almost reluctant to break the connection that they shared.

stydia kiss 5

Oh yeah!  She was definitely into it!

stiles

When Lydia gives her explanation to Stiles of what just happened, the usually confident girl seems oddly timid and uncertain, like a girl who just realized she’s developed a crush on a boy she never really noticed in that way before.  She licks her lips, a clear cut sign of attraction . . . and also, coincidentally, a telltale sign that someone is telling a lie . . .

lips licking

Stiles reaction during and after the kiss is a bit more clear cut.  At first, he’s surprised . . . (after all, the kid did feel pretty much on the verge of death, about two seconds earlier) . . .

stydia kiss 2

Then he’s aroused.  I mean, here is the girl he’s been dreaming about kissing since kindergarten . . . the girl he recently accepted that he could never have, finally kissing him . . . REALLY kissing him.  And, what’s better, she seems to be just as into it, as he is . . .

stydia kiss3 screwyapic

After it’s all over, Stiles is in awe, of this beautiful, smart, strong woman, who pretty much just saved his life.  And maybe, just maybe, he’s a smidge disappointed that her explanation of the kiss was more clinical than his interpretation of it.  But that doesn’t make what she did for him any less awesome . . .

stydia kiss 6

But when Lydia jokes that Stiles should go get some help for his panic attacks from the school guidance counselor, Stiles gets an idea . . .

lightbulb-idea

And it’s right back to business as usual again for our resident Mulder and Scully . . . (sigh)

Seeing the Forest Through the Obsessive Compulsive Drawings of Trees

guidance counselor scene

“Hello, Teen Wolf Contest Winner, who has now gotten speaking lines in not one, not two, but THREE episodes, and is prominently featured in the MTV Teen Wolf after show!”

she doesn't

Seriously, I thought “Danielle” attended private school with the Dead Chick who almost screwed Stiles.  Why is she seeing the Beacon Hills Guidance Counselor?

Anywhoo, Special Guest Star brings the funny, when she quickly cedes her therapy session with the Missing Ms. Morrell to Stiles and Lydia, upon learning from Lydia’s files that she’s a freak of nature who obsessively draws creepy looking trees all over all her notebooks, rather than ever doing any actual school work . . .

looking at the trees

And yet she still gets straight A’s!  Now that’s impressive!

That’s when Stiles figures out that what Lydia is actually drawing is the Nemeton, i.e. the root cellar where all the TV parents are now being kept . . . i.e. the place where Derek killed Paige.

root cellar

smush

In other words, Jenny the Darach didn’t try to kill Lydia, because she’s a banshee.  She tried to kill her because she saw her drawing the one key piece of information that, if exposed, could cause all of the Darach’s plans to go up in smoke . . .

jenny

So, Stiles sends Lydia off to give Derek this important information, while he heads off to distract FBI Douche.

Awkward Encounters

That’s right, FBI Douche.  Stiles’ dad is missing.  And all his friends didn’t show up at school today.  So, you should totally let him go off with the strange gentleman, who is creepily lurking around the school, at the exact moment when this clearly fragile teenage boy needs a place to stay . . .

talking to scotts dad

ill take him

“I like emotionally fragile teenage boys!”

Well, FBI Douche.  The good news is that no one would ever accuse you of being a good guardian.  That means you are totally safe from Jenny the Darach . . .

um sure ok

“Season 3B, here I come!”

Deaton has an idea as to how the Scooby Gang might be able to save their parents.  But, surprise, surprise.  They are going to need Scott for help.

Meanwhile, downtown . . .

me

Source

Peter was hoping he wouldn’t run into Lydia again, until he found a Hallmark card to send her that says, “Sorry I mind controlled you into trying to kill all your friends, and then pretended to be a teenager, so you’d make out with my grimy corpse.”

As instructed, Lydia tells Derek and Peter about the root cellar.  Unfortunately, thanks to a nice little neck rub they got from Mommy Dearest, Talia, both werewolves have conveniently forgotten its location  . . .

memory removal

Hale Fail #247 . . .

Over in a forest somewhere . . .

Mountain ASSSSSHHHHHH 2: Electric Boogaloo

making mountain ash

mountain ash

If I had one gripe about this otherwise pretty flawless episode it would involve this scene . . . you know, the one where Scott has supposedly made the hugely dangerous decision to join Deucalion’s Alpha Pack, in order to save his mom . . .

standing around with scott

“I’m a bad guy now . . .”

 . . . and that Big Sacrifice seems to mainly involve standing around in a forest with the villains for a few minutes, while they fail to kill Mrs. Morell.  And then going right back to Deaton and his Scooby Gang . . .

ephemeral

You were fun, while you lasted, Random Plot Twist!

But hey, at least now Kali, and the Alphas know that Deucalion was the one who actually killed Ennis!  That ought to . . . have no impact on the plot, whatsoever . . .

dying ennis

cave painting ennis

“But I was such a good artist!”

The Circle of Life . . . and Death

There’s this old movie called My Big Fat Greek Wedding, where the old grandpa believes, for some reason, that the World’s problems can be solved, by merely spraying some Windex on them . . .

put windex on it

I feel like that’s how Deaton feels about ice baths . . . Isaac lost his memory?

see me 2

Try an ice bath!  Stiles’, Scott’s, and Allison’s parents may be murdered by an Evil Darach?

cold stiles

Let’s put them all on ice!

1 19 getting colder

Now, while logically, I think the idea of surrogate sacrifices brought on by near death experiences is a TERRIBLE IDEA, I must say that it made for an incredibly poignant way to end the penultimate episode.  Let’s see . . . there was the ominous warning, that, not only will temporary death cause Allison, Stiles and Scott pretty much permanent emotional damage, it will also open up Beacon Hills as a Hell Mouth for every Big Bad in the world recently kicked out of Sunnydale, who is looking for a place to commit carnage . . .

pensive stiles

There was the ritualistic offering up of Totems to represent the deep bonds that exist between each parent and child . . .

items of value

sheriff badge

There was the part where Matchmaker Deaton outed Stiles and Lydia, and Allison and Isaac as future lovers, by pairing them together in the sacrifice, and basically left poor Scott out in the lonely cold . . . literally . . .

guess we are in love

jelly at is

And then, if that wasn’t enough, right when they are all on ice, ready to die, Stiles reveals to the audience that FBI Douche is actually Scott’s dad, who is officially back in town . . .

surprised-face

burgle

Yikes!  When the promos said that this season of Teen Wolf might hurt, they weren’t kidding!

glurg

*gurgle gurgle*

tsst

*tssssssst*

P.S. Derek just un-Alphaed himself to save Cora.  How do ya like them apples, Peter?

ready to heal

veiny

He really ought to consider doing something about those varicose veins . . .

red eye der

blue eye der

smirky peter

Next week, on the season finale of Teen Wolf . . .

See ya then, Werebangers!

stiles with wolf hat

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Alien versus Predator – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “The Overlooked”

Alien v. PredatorPitting two well-established super villains against one another is a tantalizing prospect for any horror series writer (copyright permitting, of course).  For one thing, it pretty much guarantees that your story will have double the body count, and triple the gore factor, of any single-villain horror tale.  For another, it gives you the opportunity to try your hand at answering a question over which fanboys and comic book nerds, the world over, have been arguing for decades: Which Bad Ass, is Badder Ass?  Whose Super Villain is the Super Villainiest One of All?

werewolves not bond villains

Of course, there are drawbacks to this type of story (as anyone who has ever seen Freddy versus Jason or Alien versus Predator will tell you).  For one thing, in a tale of two antagonists, its hard to find a character to root for.  And this makes the ultimate conclusion of the Battle Royale seem somehow less important.  In fact, there’s probably a part of you that’s hoping the two villains will BOTH blow one another away, simultaneously, just to put the nameless, faceless victims of the story out of their misery.  For another, having your Big Bad get its ass handed to it by another Big Bad emasculates it, making all of its Evil Deeds seem just a smidge less impressive in hindsight.

ep 12 sayonara alpha

“Now, you tell me.”

Such are the benefits and drawbacks of “The Overlooked,” an episode, which was undoubtedly action packed . . .

ouchi punchy

. . . and yet, in pitting the Alpha Pack against The Darach, inadvertently relegated Scott and his Scooby Gang to supporting character roles in their own story.

robin all the time

And yet, despite its flaws, the episode did feature some spectacular acting by Dylan O’Brien, a cool heroic turn by Mama McCall, and a crazy-action sequence featuring none other than a “chemically-enhanced” version of PETER HALE!

neede in self

Source

So, shoot yourself up with some epinephrine, warm up the crash cart, and hide your ambulance keys from the Barefoot Lady, because it’s time to check in on “The Overlooked.”

lets rumble

Source

[As always, special thanks to Andre, the wisest, most talented screencapper in all the land, who, just like the rest of us, desperately hopes not to be unconscious the next time Stiles' lips find his mouth .  . .]

It was a dark and stormy night . . .

dark and stormy 1

The trouble with Druids is that their ritual sacrificing of people who fall into stereotypical categories really tends to f*&k with Mother Nature.  And when Mother Nature gets f*&ked she liked to f*&k back.  And so we open the episode with one of those freak storms that only seem to take place in television series.  You know . . . the ones with torrential downpours from which no one ever seems to get wet, unless it’s plot convenient for them to do so?

care-bear-funshine-umbrella

Anywhoo Freak!Storm appears to be causing some trouble at everyone’s favorite hospital.  So, it’s up to Mama McCall to tell everyone how to do their jobs . . . which makes sense, since she seems to be the only one who actually works there . . .

i run this town

“I really don’t get paid enough for this sh*t.”

I like how that random George Costanza from Seinfeld-looking doctor KNOWS that he’s left his patient Cora Hale (a.k.a the only chick in the world for whom one of the symptoms of having a concussion is spewing black tar on the floor at regular five-minute intervals) to die in an abandoned hospital. And he doesn’t really give two craps about it, because his recently remodeled basement at home might be flooded . . .

george cost

seinfeld

Dear Cora,

George Costanza doesn’t care about you . .  .

Love,
Teen Wolf

I’m no medical expert, but I’d think in most flooded hospitals, the near-death black-goo pukers would be the first to be evacuated, no?

blargh

black crap spew

“I should really stop eating liquorice . . .”

Speaking of black goo pukers?  Don’t you just hate it when their existence inadvertently causes you to awkwardly run into your sociopathic ex boyfriend, who once turned your son into a werewolf, and who used to occasionally wander around killing people in what sort of looked like a mutant gorilla suit?

how strong

happy mom

“Hey, remember how you took me out for dinner at The Olive Garden, and then told my son you would eat my face off?  Good times!”

Damn you, Cora Hale!  You ruin everything, including recently washed floors . . .

Relationship Dealbreakers

kissy kiss

“Just because I murdered a third of your town, and occasionally look like Lord Voldemort, doesn’t mean you should stop rubbing my Magic Coochie for good luck . . .”

Sensing that she’s about to get dumped by the guy with the best abdominals in Beacon Hills, Jenny the Darach teeters into Derek Hale’s loft, wearing the least sensible shoes for a triple-human sacrifice I have ever seen . . .

running in

“Beauty is painful .  . .  coincidentally, so is getting murdered by me.”

(Seriously girl!  Your garroting forty-somethings, not walking the runway on America’s Top Model.  Get yourself a nice pair of comfy flats from Payless.  And call it a day.  Simple shoes would probably clash less with your “murder face” anyway . . .)

darach

stiles grossed out

Anywhoo, Jenny is trying to tell Derek that, regardless of what his high school friends might tell him, she does not occasionally sport a face that looks like cottage cheese with strawberries mashed in it.  (It’s impolite for a male to comment on how a female looks without makeup, anyway, right?)  Oh, and the whole “Multiple Murderer Thing”? That’s a lie too . . .

Unfortunately for Jenny, Scott and Stiles get to the loft first.  And they are about to SERIOUSLY ruin Jenny’s chances of ever using her magic coochie on the brooding Alpha Wolf again.

crying stiles

Source

you are a monster

splash

“Say hello to My Little Mistletoe!”

mistletoed

“I’m melting . . . I’m melting!”

To say Derek doesn’t take the news of his girlfriend’s supernatural plastic surgery well is an understatement . . .

my girlfriend is not hot

strnagle

You mean you are UGLY?  How DARE you try to seduce me with Magic Coochie?  Derek Hale doesn’t date Ugly People . . . only Attractive Sociopaths.

The only thing that keeps Derek from squeezing Jenny’s neck until her faux-pretty little head pops off of it, is Stiles’ tearful plea that they let her help him locate his missing father . . .

wheres my dad

Source

See?  Derek does care about Stiles, even though the writers sometimes seem to forget this . . .

stiles father

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But first, there’s the little matter of Cora and her “Black is the New Brown” vomit, which just so happens to be caused by . . . wait for it . . . mistletoe.

Saving Cora Hale . . . Fail.

The Scooby Crew heads to the hospital with the Worst English Teacher Ever(!) and Derek in one car, and Scott and Stiles bringing up the rear.  (Yes, I intentionally made that sound dirty.).

big sterek 2

Jenny continues to try to explain herself to Derek, not realizing that the WORST way to get to Derek’s heart is by talking.  I mean, this is a guy who considers three successive grunts a dramatic monologue . . .

your sister 2

your sister 3

your sister 4

In the other car, Stiles notes that Jenny seems a bit too calm for a woman recently exposed as the second coming of Lord Voldemort.  He doesn’t trust her.

ep 9 obviously stiles

Well good.  At least someone on this show is still using their brain as something other than a mushy substance inside your head that keeps your ears warm.

nice try bat boy

On second thought . . .

When the gang arrives at the hospital, it’s raining.  And no one has an umbrella.  But only Stiles’ hair seems to actually get wet . . .  Perhaps, all supernatural creatures come installed with their own internal blow dryers . . .

all in elevator

Speaking of supernatural weapons, I particularly enjoy the scene in the elevator, where everyone is trying to put on their best Menacing Game Faces.  It’s a good thing Scott’s mom leaves her bat in the back seat of their car, otherwise human Stiles would probably have to use his wet t-shirt as a weapon.  That would be just awful, wouldn’t it? ;)

wet stiles

The crew arrives at Cora’s hospital room to find it empty . . .

surprised-face

Then Peter slides in with a Very Special Announcement . . .

big prob

You’ve really got to hand it to Peter Hale.  He may no longer look like a big scary gorilla.  But the dude still knows how to make an entrance . . .

ep 6 alpha

Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s time for another brawl between our Scooby Gang, and  . . . that Shrek-Looking Thing that Used to be Ethan and Aiden . . ..

offended shrek

“What happened to my second pair of pants?”

Scott, being Scott, tries to appeal to the Massively Large lunk’s human side.  “Ethan / Aiden STOP!”  He cries.

lets talk about our feelings

“Let’s talk about how strangling me makes you feel?”

shrek fight

“What the f*&k is wrong with this kid?”

But it’s not really Scott their after . . . at least not this time .  . . it’s Lord Voldemort-ette Jenny!

jenny

Don’t get them wrong, the Scooby Gang would love to see Jenny dead too.  But that would put a big red X on their plan to rescue Stiles’ dad from potential Druid Sacrifice . . .

ep 8 stiles dad hug fyeah

Unfortunately, this little friendly exchange between wolves gives the Druid just enough time to escape.

draco malfoy facepalm

But wait!  Here comes Foot Fungus Lady, and her Blind Friend Who Talks Too Much!  It’s like a supernatural Teen Wolf villain reunion!

heard party

If only Kanaima Jackson was here, we could throw a Party of Evil!

half kanaima jack

Kali tries to attack Jenny in the elevator.  So Jenny, forgetting Kali is a woman (a common mistake on this show) attempts to defeat her by giving her blue balls . . .

tries to get in

evil jenny

blue balls

throw blue ball

Outside on the hospital floor, Mama McCall runs into Deucalion, and instantly calls him out as “The Bad Guy.”

him

him 2

him 3

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If this was a sitcom, a comment like that would make Mama McCall adorable and hilarious.  It would also probably garner her a Big Bad Boyfriend . . .

ep 10 yay mom

But because this is a teen horror show, a comment like that wins Mama McCall nothing but a giant nametag on her back that says, “Hello, my name is: Your Next Victim.”

killing mom softly

“If this is your idea of foreplay, it sucks.

Bad Medicine

how strong

neede in self

Source

And the award for Best Non-Medical Use of Epinephrine in a Television Series goes to . .  .

Reunited with Jenny, the Scooby Crew begins in-fighting about what exactly they should do with her.

jenny

scoobs

Peter advocates torture.  Now THAT would have been fun to watch.  Scott advocates ceding to her demands.  (Typical Scott . . .)

teen wolf 12 eye roll

“True Alphas are SUCH a pain in the ass . . .”

Stiles is just pissed at Derek for once again letting his weiner cause him to f*&k things up so royally.

about to kiss

“If you were gay, like half the fandom wanted you to be, none of this would have happened, Derek.”

But wait . . . there’s another problem.  Now, Deucalion has Scott’s mom!  Surprise!

BabyScared

There you go, Scott.  The time has come to let all your friends know what a Special Snowflake you truly are . . .

already an alpha

The crew ultimately decides to help Jenny escape the Alpha Pack, in hopes that she will return the favor by saving Stiles’ dad from Jenny-cide, and Cora from Black Goo-icide.  But first they have to get past Shrek Thing.  And as Special a Snowflake as Scott might be, he’s not yet special enough to battle two boys who inexplicably insist on wearing one pair of pants.

growling

So, Peter and Scott decide to do what all their favorite former American baseball heroes do, they use performance enhancing drugs.  Boys and Girls, DO NOT try this at home . . .

epinephrine

in chest

growling 2

Though, Scott and Peter end up getting their asses kicked AGAIN, by the Alphas, at least the diversion they create in doing so, is enough for the rest of the gang and Jenny Darach to get out of the hospital and into the ambulance that could transport Cora Drools-A-Lot to safety.

safety

“I’ve decided I’m going to lose my virginity in the back of an ambulance with my comatose sort-of girlfriend.  When this ambulance is a-rockin, don’t come a-knockin!”

There’s just one problem: The ambulance driver is somewhat “indisposed.”

dead amb

“Someone call 911!  Oh, wait .  . . I AM 911.  Crap!”

And Foot Fungus Lady took his keys.

got keys

(Well, technically,  I guess that’s two problems.)

Vomiting Black Goo 2: Electric Boogaloo

stora

“You know, you’re a lot nicer to me than my other crush, Lydia.  Maybe it has something to do with the fact that you’re always unconscious.”

Back in the abandoned ambulance, Cora has stopped breathing, so Stiles decides to make out with her . . .

make out stora

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Part of me kept waiting for Cora to spew black goo in Stiles’ mouth.  Talk about a mood killer!  Instead, she coughs a bit, and goes back to bed . . . ALIVE.

cough

This proves that Jenny the Darach isn’t the only character on this show with magic . . . um . . . lips.  (Yeah, I went there.)

Stiles warns Cora that the next time he rapes her face, she sure as heck better be awake to enjoy it.

lips mouth

Source

If that was a comment on Stiles’ Facebook page, Lydia would not “like this.”

lyd screams

You’ve been MISTLETOED!

Speaking of romance, back in the hospital Derek and Jenny find themselves trapped in an elevator, because Deucalion forced his hostage, Mama McCall, to flip off the power switch in the hospital . . .

trapped in elevator

3 1 always horny imperial bedrooms

Be strong Derek.  Every time your weiner wants to bone her, just remind yourself that beneath the modelesque facade, she’s really Lord Voldemort in lipstick, and a pair of skinny jeans . . .

sad derek hearing

darach

“Kiss me, baby.”

Since they appear to have some Time to Kill (bad choice of words?), Jenny decides to enlighten Derek with her Origin Story.

talking to derek

(Question: Why, in this day and age, must every super villain require an Origin Story?  Sometimes, I miss the Olden Days, when villains just magically appeared, did a bunch of awful sh*t for no logical reason whatsoever, and then died horrible deaths.)

ep 12 dead kate

Jenny Blake used to be Julia Baccari, an emissary of Foot Fungus Lady, who the latter liked a bit too much to murder out-right.  So, she merely burned her face beyond all recognition and left her to die.  How sweet!

sad kali

“In my emissary’s honor, I vow never to wear shoes or cut my toenails again.”

Fortunately, Foot Fungus just so happened to not-kill Julia right next to the Magical! Tree (i.e. the “Nemeton”) where Derek’s first lovey dovey Paige croaked, a few months early.  Basically, it was the blood of Derek’s virginal girlfriend, dripped onto this magical tree, that gave Julia Baccari the power to become Lord Voldemort.

dying julia

BEFORE

voldemort

AFTER

In other words, pretty much everything awful that happened to anybody this entire season is Derek Hale’s fault.  Nice going, Hot Stuff!

ep 9 no fit gravyjones

Then, Jenny starts waxing poetic about this mythological crap, and I start to zone out a bit . . .

4 10 nod off

But then I force myself to listen, because I know you guys are more intellectual than I am, and actually care about this stuff . . .

ep 6 youryodai will be gravytrain

Now, in defense of Haley Webb, I should mention that, as much as I bitched about her character, early on in the series, she makes a pretty captivating villain.  Delivery of this particular monologue would have died on the lips of some.  But Haley really brought it to life.  She actually made me give a sh*t about Mistletoe.  And for that, I salute her . . .

blah blah blah

“Blah, blah, blah, I’m an evil psychopath with feelings . .  blah.”

bored by story

*crickets*  “Did someone say pizza?  All this talk about murdered ugly people is making me hungry . . .”

So, here’s the story.  This guy Balder was a hot God, who all the male Gods wanted to befriend and protect, and all the female Gods wanted to bone . . .

BalderAll this attention Balder was receiving royally pissed off Loki from The Avengers . . .

loki

Balder kind of looks like Thor.  Why does everyone who is better than me look like Thor?”

smash 2

 . . . who, despite being the god of Mischief (which is pretty much the coolest thing ever to be the god of, with the exception, perhaps, of being the god of Sex), seemed pretty much destined to be the Jan Brady of the gods, in a world of “Marcia, Marcia, Marcias” . . .

marcia marcia marcia

So, he follows Balder’s mom, when she’s going on this journey to make all the world’s natural weapons promise not to “hurt” Balder, finds the one potential weapon mom forgot, and promptly uses it to kill the Poor Unfortunate Thor-Lookalike.  That weapon?  You guessed it . . . mistletoe.

mistletoe kisses

puking danny

Now, I don’t know about you.  But if I had a kid, and someone killed him using a type of tree branch, the last thing I would want to do, is hang that tree branch over my door, and makeout with people under it, for the rest of eternity . . . That just seems really morbid to me . . .

jaws of death

It’s also pretty much ruined mistletoe for me, forever.  So, thanks Teen Wolf!

hate you so much

So, how does this relate to old Jenny from the Tree Block?  Well, basically she considers the emissaries murdered by the Alphas in their Alpha Pack to be like mistletoe, because both parties were overlooked, and underestimated.

small_violin

The world’s smallest violin plays for Evil Jenny . . .

Personally, I don’t like the analogy.  You know who I think is “overlooked,” Jenny Dearest?  All those innocent virgins, and sweet woodland creatures, you murdered just so your face wouldn’t look like 100 slugs died on it . .  that’s who!

dead heather

“I could have been laid by Stiles Stilinski, and his extra large weiner.  Instead, I’m sitting here on a mortuary slap.  Thanks a lot, Jenny from the Tree!”

Jenny also casually mentioned that a Lunar Eclipse is coming up.  Apparently, Lunar Eclipses make werewolves lose all their magical powers.

full moon

Hooray for Team Human!

moon face

moon face 2

Oooh, wait . . . Jenny the Darach is happy about this too. .  . This can’t be good.

evil english

We interrupt this Lesson in Norse Mythology, to bring you MAMA MCCALL BEING AWESOME, AND ELECTROCUTING SHREK WITH A CRASH CART . . .

electrocute

electrifying

Apparently, Deucalion set her free.  This lady may have just officially become my favorite TV mom of all time . . .

A Deal with the Devil(s)

The Argents and Isaac finally arrive at the hospital, and plot with the Scooby Gang to free Jenny from the wrath of the Alphas.  When, Papa Argent asks the crew to describe Jenny Blake, he describes her as “dark hair, kind of hot,” to which Allison responds.  “Hey, I have brown hair and am kind of hot too!”  (It’s always good to be humble Allison.)

arrogant allison

And so, a plan was born . . .

lightbulb-idea

Basically, the plan involves Allison impersonating Jenny to draw the Alpha’s out of hospital  . . .

running as jenny

watching her

ETHAN: “She’s dark haired and hot.  But is she Evil Druid Cougar Hot?  Or Age Appropriate Werewolf Hunter Hot?”

AIDEN: “I don’t know.  I couldn’t stop staring at her boobs.”

alli

shooting

“Once again, I waste lots of bullets, and hit absolutely no one . . . This is my design.”

missed us

“Kiss my dirty, fungus-ridden feet, Argents!”

 . . . while Mama McCall turns the hospital power back on, to get the elevator . . .

turn back on power

“Is it weird that I’m finding this erotic?  I really need to get laid?”

 . . . where Jenny and Derek are currently trapped, working again.  Isaac and Peter will drive the getaway car.

driving getaway car

Scott will stand around looking confused.  And Stiles will look nervous and teary-eyed, because the writers know he’s super sexy when he cries.

mopey stiles - Copy

The plan works!

teen wolf allison argent stiles

But, of course, there’s a problem . . .

sad stiles

Remember how the Darach was looking for “Guardians” to fill her collection of human sacrifice stereotypes?  Well, apparently Mama McCall and Papa Stilinski both fit that bill.

verbal keyboard smash

The minute the elevator starts working again, Jenny goes all Cottage Cheese Face on Derek’s ass, and disappears into the night, taking Scott’s mom with her Ugly Ass . . .

ugly face

passed out

“Elevator music makes me sleepy.”

And that’s when Scott, bereft of hope, and severely lacking in creativity, dejectedly decides to accept Deucalion’s offer to join his pack, if only so he can save his, and his best friend’s parental unit.

made the pact

Stiles, understandably is crushed.  Scott is crushed.  Jenny’s face is crushed.

medium_voldemort-looking-up-9fzhu4mo

But no matter how miserable these folks are, no one is having as bad a day as Mama McCall and Papa Stilinski

The Tree of Life . . . and Death

stuck on nemeton

Hello, Teen Wolf Parental Units, welcome to your new home at Magical!Tree.  Relax, enjoy yourselves, and PREPARE TO DIE!

well this is awkward

“This is pretty much the most awkward date I have ever been on.”

sadly

“I wish I could say the same.  But I once went on a pity date with Gerard Argent.”

funny face grandpa

Next week on Teen Wolf . . .

See ya then, Werebangers!

stiles with wolf hat

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Unbelievers – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “The Girl Who Knew Too Much”

you just don't believe

don't believe 2

Source

We know the fire awaits unbelievers.  All of the sinners the same.

Girl, you and I will die unbelievers, tied to the tracks of the train.

-Unbelievers by Vampire Weekend

Belief . . . in our causes, in our selves, in our family, friends and lovers.  Believing in something is essential to our survival as human beings.  It gives our lives direction and meaning.  It gives us hope, and the strength to get out of bed each morning, and face another day.

stydia big 2

Sure, this week’s episode of Teen Wolf was about revealing the not particularly surprising identity of the Darach, and the even less surprising explanation of Lydia’s gifts.  But it was also about the Scooby Gang struggling to believe . . . in one another’s good intentions and abilities, and in their own capacity to become heroes, and defeat evil.

my hero

stiles with wolf hat

For a show steeped in fantasy and the supernatural, “The Girl Who Knew Too Much” sure did see a lot of characters being forced to face Reality . . .

stiles sad 3

Brush up on your Druid chanting, and artistic representation of Oak Trees, Wolfbangers, because it’s time for another recap . .  .

ephemeral

[As always, special thanks to my awesome screencapper Andre, who I know would be kind enough to spare my life, if he ever forced to engage in the ritualistic sacrifice of obscure bloggers . . .]

Death Becomes Her

Can I just put it out there that I believe the TV Trope of Anonymous-Unimportant-Character-is-Introduced- and-Subsequently-Killed-Off-in-the-First-Five-Minutes-of-Your-Teleplay should be banned for all eternity?

die in blinkin8

sour wolf

Yeah, yeah, I know.  Anonymous Character deaths are a necessary evil when your main story plotline is Serial-Killer-Murders-Three-Vaguely-Related-Characters-Each-Week.  I mean, there’s only so many “Important Characters” you could eviscerate in a single season, without causing fan revolt, right?  (Sorry Boyd!)

boyd kicking ass

And I also recognize that, in this particular case, the “entertainment value” of these scenes has much less to do with the murders themselves, and more to do with figuring out what “theme” will tie them together, so we know which of our main characters is currently in danger of not making it out of the episode alive.

dead baby day 1

dead baby day 2

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I just wish the writers would change it up a bit.  You know, instead of having the character get introduced and die in the first scene . . .

hello my name is

unfortunate plot device

Why not start with a lighthearted scene featuring the main characters, to lull the viewers into a false sense of security, and THEN bring on the random violent death . . .

hello my name is 2

less of a

Or maybe you introduce the random character in the first scene, but, in a surprise twist, you let THAT character survive, and kill off the main character nobody was worried about . . .

there again

red herring

A third option?  What about making the anonymous character / assumed victim ultimately turn out to be the villain of the episode . . . kind of like the Teen Wolf writers did themselves, when they introduced Kate Argent, back in Season 2?

1_kate

big bad

My own petty grumbles notwithstanding, this week’s “Opening Kill” was actually pretty masterfully done.  For one thing, I found the victim’s stupidity maddeningly engaging.  Girlfriend looks about 100 pounds soaking wet.  And she still decides to wander around an empty school alone, even after she sees an unidentified being dragging a HUMAN body across the floor, with as much ease as if it was a cotton blanket.

feety

stupid bitch chasing the ghost

It takes a lot to get me to scream at the television, these days.  So, the fact that I am yelping, “GET OUT OF THERE!” and “CALL FOR BACK UP,” and finally “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOUUUUUU!” throughout the entire cold open is actually pretty impressive.

dumb girl

no no on

Then comes that deliciously meta moment where the soon-to-be victim finally encounters the corpse she’s been watching the killer drag across the floor all this time, only to find that . . . wait for it . . . IT’S THE VICTIM HERSELF.  She’s been chasing her own dead body, this ENTIRE TIME!

dead shelf

“At least I died clean . . .”

Now, that’s gotta hurt . . .

You know what else has to hurt?  This . . .

dead shelf killer

“Oh no!  Lord Voldemort is going to kill me.  Where’s Harry Potter when you need him?”

draco malfoy facepalm

Speaking of meta, I love the self-referential nature of the scene that follows, during which Lydia gripes about how annoying it is to constantly be the one finding the all the dead bodies.  So, Scott graciously “finds” this one for her . . .

find the body

the effing angel of death

(Speaking of Angels of Death, wouldn’t this be a slightly cooler thing for Lydia to be than what she ultimately ended up being?  Angels of Death are awesome!  Banshees just give you a headache.)

found the body

Small town cops . . . always sleeping on the job .  . .

This show is quickly becoming the “Where’s Waldo” of Druid Sacrifices . . .

wheres waldo

Another nice touch is the later reveal that this particular “Anonymous Murder” isn’t quite so anonymous, in that both Stiles and his dad are personally acquainted with the victim.  As the son of the local Sheriff, who also happens to be a single dad, it makes sense that Stiles would spend a lot of his childhood hanging around the police station, and would, therefore, know most of the cops that worked there.  The fact that Stiles had a relationship with this female cop before she died adds some realism and poignancy to a supernatural series that can sometimes come across as a bit cavalier about its high body count . . .

mopey stiles - Copy

Meanwhile, over at the Argent Apartment . . .

The Morally Ambiguous Father Figure Club

It’s a surefire sign that something is amiss in your parent / child relationship, if a series of brutal murders occur in your hometown, and your first thought is “Yeah, my dad totally did that.”

allison twirly stiles pls

Unless, of course, your father is This Guy . . .

Dexter-dexter-26095020-1280-800

The fact that Allison was so quick to assume her father was the Evil Darach, says a lot more about her than it does about him, particularly since, I suspect that few viewers ever genuinely considered him a suspect . .

argents

Then again, maybe all this cloak and dagger suspicion was just an excuse to get Allison rolling around on her bedroom floor with Isaac .  . .

hump hump d

Because if anyone understands what it feels like to be the spawn of a possible sociopath, its the guy whose dad used to lock him in the icebox for sh*ts and giggles, when he breathed too loud at the dinner table . .  .

vulnerable isaac

For about two seconds, Allison seems genuinely annoyed that Isaac climbed through her bedroom window, simply because Scott told him to do so .  . .

isaac

(Honestly, sometimes its hard to tell who Isaac has a bigger crush on, Allison or Scott. . . .)

kissy face alissac

looking at you

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But then she gets to straddle him on the floor, while he’s sporting what I’m sure is a massive hard-on, and, instantly all is forgiven . . .

knifepoint

straddle hump

Source

Allison quickly fills in Isaac on the whole “My dad is probably the Darach” thing.  And the two quickly head to Papa Argent’s lair, where they promptly find, etched into his desk, an artistic representation of all the Druid Sacrifices that have occurred in the town this past season . . .

guardians

OK, now I know I just said that Papa Argent never seemed like a legitimate suspect to me, but the whole desk art thing threw me for a bit of a loop.  For one thing, etching a Celtic symbol on your desk, with words like “Virgins” and “Guardian” emblazoned across its center, pretty as it might be, seems like a tremendous waste of time for a detective, who could have just as easily gotten the information across, using a piece of notebook paper and a black magic marker.  Secondly, it’s just plain illogical.  Say you catch this Darach, and all the murders are over.  Now, you are stuck having to buy an entirely new desk for when the next inevitable supernatural murderer waltzes into town . . .

soap dish smash

Anywhoo, after calling Stiles and warning him that his “Guardian” cop father might be next on the Darach’s hit list, these two crazy kids figure out where the next body will likely be discovered.  So, they head over there, pronto, for what they believe will be a Daddy / Daughter fight to the death . . .

Smells Like Sex and Plot Exposition . . .

Special congratulations go out to the two-weinered monster of Ethan/Aiden this week, for sprouting a second personality to match its second face and sexual preference!

dont do it

“It’s like looking in a gay mirror . . .”

It all starts when Aiden tells Ethan that just because the Demon Wolf told him to have sex with Danny, doesn’t mean that Ethan should actually enjoy it . . .

another shot of danny

But enjoy it Ethan does, soooooooo much!  And better yet, now that the Alpha Pack has decided that nobody else on the show gives two sh*ts about Danny, Ethan can enjoy the sex guilt free!

dethan

Personally, I think Aiden’s just jealous, because HIS mandatory sexual conquest, Lydia, stopped f*&king him, after he used Derek’s claws to kill her sort of/ kind of / but not really pal Boyd . . .a total faux-relationship faux pas.

blue balls

But Lydia’s “friends” force her to start screwing Aiden again, so that they can pump Ethan for more information about Deucalion, which should probably make Lydia feel a bit prostitutety.  But it doesn’t . . .

not an orgy - Copy

Hmmm . . . I wonder if werewolves have the capacity to transmit venereal diseases . . .

grotesque-forward-walking-spanner-crab1

Crabs . . .

Perhaps, they just transmit fleas like the rest of their species . . .

So, while one personality heads off to Pound Town, the kinder gentler one is punished with the much less glamorous job of Plot Exposition . . .

exposition

Apparently, before Ethan/Aiden were the studly two-headed Alpha Wolf that occasionally shared a brain and a pair of pants, they were just a puny pair of Omega Wolves, who suffered regular abuse at the hands of their pack.

the bitches of the pack

That is, until one faithful day when a kindly Demon Wolf taught them to merge bodies, and become a Shrek-looking psycho killer . . .

offended shrek

Question: How did Demon Wolf know they could this?  Is there some sort of a Werewolf Handbook out there that we should know about?

stefan shrug

Has Demon Wolf been eating Twins for breakfast, the way most athletes eat Wheaties?

destroyer of worlds

Oh, and did I mention that Alpha Pack wolves have a very bad habit of murdering their trusty pet Druid Emissaries, along with the rest of their pack?

picture of the wolf

Sucks for you, Chick from Pretty Little Liars . . .

Also, now there’s a pretty good chance this Darach Thing is nothing more than an Undead Disgruntled Former Employee, which, in case you were curious, is kind of like a regular Disgruntled Former Employee . . . only smellier.

donald trump you're fired

We interrupt this Plot Exposition to bring you More Sex .  . .

mackin la

And we interrupt More Sex to bring you this Pretty Picture of a Swirly Thingy . . .

artwork by cora

Damn, Lydia and Straight!Wolf fogged up those windows FAST!

whats that

Oh, I’m sorry, did I say Pretty Picture of a Swirly Thingy?  I meant MASSIVE ASS-KICKING BY DEREK HALE.

ep 9 go derek maria-ackles

Oh, I’m sorry did I say MASSIVE ASS KICKING BY DEREK HALE?  I meant Not Particularly Impressive Attempt at an Ass Kicking By CORA HALE . . .

you die

Still girlfriend gets points for spunk, along with what is probably a concussion . . .

thwack

ouchie

 Fortunately, Ethan has the magic power of being able to “feel” when his brother is being a douchebag (which is pretty much all the time).  So, he rushes in with the rest of the Scooby Gang to stop his brother from morphing from Pathetic Loser Who Beats Up Teenage Girls into Horrible Human Being Loser Who Kills Them . . .

now im pissed

“B*tch ruined my black wife beater shirt . . . All the coolest wife beaters wear them!”

Speaking of horrible, Cora is kind of the most ungrateful wench ever.  She thanks the Scooby Gang for saving her life by telling them they suck at their job as Crime Fighters.  “All you guys do is find the bodies,” Cora quips.

BRRRRRR!  That’s COLD!

see me 2

Rudeness aside, Girlfriend’s kind of got a point . .  .  It seems like each season, the series’ Big Bad successfully murders increasingly more Casting Extras, before the Scooby Gang can finally pull their heads out of their asses long enough to stop them . . .

verbal keyboard smash

Speaking of people with their heads up their asses . . .

Afternoon Darach elight

We interrupt this Scene of Actual Character Development and Plot Significance to bring you this completely pointless Moment of Derek and English Teacher Making Out in the Middle of a Creepy Dark Tunnel . . .

dennifer

Remember how I used to say the writers should hurry up and give Derek Hale a love interest, because watching a delicious male specimen like Derek Hale hump another human being would be a MAJOR turn-on, no matter who that human being happened to be?

ep 9 no fit gravyjones

Be careful what you wish for Wolfbangers . . .

Let’s add “Thinks Only With His Weiner” and “Occasionally Forgets What Show He’s On” to the ever-growing list of character flaws the writers have saddled poor Derek Hale with this season.  Shall we?

We interrupt this makeout for yet another shot of Lydia Martin Screaming . . .

lyd screams

That’s right, Wolfbangers, it looks like some other random extra has been taken.   It appears the Darach’s current target of “Guardians” is not actually “Cops,” as the Scooby Gang once thought, but . . . wait for it . . . teachers.

talk to hot english

Apparently, the Episode’s First Victim was a Teacher, Before she was a cop, which is convenient news for the storyline, but really sucky news for her . . .

As promised, Isaac and Allison track the new body to yet another abandoned warehouse.  (Sidenote: Beacon Hills apparently contains even more Abandoned Warehouses than it does werewolves and random assorted supernatural creatures.  They should put THAT in the brochure . . .)

There, they encounter the body  . . .

the body

the Darach .  . .

medium_voldemort-looking-up-9fzhu4mo

. . . and Allison’s dad, who, SURPRISE, isn’t a Serial Killer After All!  Huzzah!

cool dad

Truth be told, Allison’s Pops looks mighty sexy, as he came out of the shadows guns blazing to attach the evil Darach . . .

argent chris

DILF . . .

And yet, considering the guy is supposedly this FABULOUSLY Talented Hunter, you’d think he’d be better at conserving bullets . . . or at least, actually hitting the target at which he was shooting . . .

machine_gun_cat

Darach: 1, Papa Argent: 0

It looks like everybody’s favorite Druid is going to have to Die Another Day . . .

Speaking of dying . . .

Dying to Be Heard

At least as far as TV Parents go, Papa Stilinski is typically beyond reproach, working hard every day to support his son financially and emotionally, while keeping him (mostly) safe from the evils that seem to lurk around Beacon Hill’s every corner.  The writers even allow him to solve a crime every once in a while!

sheriff pic

This week, however, Papa S has a bit of a setback, character wise, when Stiles, after weeks of procrastination and hand-wringing, finally decides to come clean to him about the fact that the two of them are actually characters on a supernatural teen television series, despite the sheriff’s belief that he is the star of CSI: Beacon Hills.

No amount of carefully-crafted chess metaphors are going to make an average blue-collar guy like Sheriff Stilinski take this information well . . .

teen wolf chess

“You see, Allison’s the Queen.  Scott’s the King.  Danny used to be the pawn.  But now, I guess Lydia’s the pawn.  Isaac’s the Rook.  And I’m the Knight that actually gets sh*t done . . .”

Disbelief is one thing, but Papa S’s anger at Stiles for revealing this information makes the scene particularly hard to watch.

heart wrench

But wait . . . there’s hope!  Stiles has an ACTUAL WEREWOLF, on hand!  Show him your funky wolf face, Cora Hale!  Make the man a believer . . .

woozy

 . . . or just fall on the floor, and take a nap . . . whichever you prefer . . .

After taking Cora to the ER, Stiles tries again to get through to his father, who is now thoroughly fed up with his son’s “overactive imagination.”  But Stiles has one final hand to play, and it’s a doozy.

mom would have

Stiles’ mother’s untimely demise has always been an emotional lynchpin of this series.  The revelation of Stiles’ panic attacks, his belief that he somehow played a role in his mother’s death, his father’s struggles with alcoholism, all of these little peeks into the collective Stilinski family psyche have made these characters so much more complex and interesting than they otherwise would have been.  So as much as I love nerdy, jokey Stiles, Dylan O’Brien’s seamless ability to convey the character’s darker, more vulnerable side, never fails to impress me.  And we got a nice glimpse of that in this episode . . .

stiles-15

That said, Papa Stilinski and I are kind of in a fight right now . . .

No one makes my Stiles cry, without incurring my WRATH . .  .

smash 2

Speaking of people who refuse to be silenced, Mama McCall helpfully recounts to Papa Stilinski the tale of a  female patient  mauled by animals a few weeks back, who somehow managed to get an entire flock of birds to mourn her death, by committing suicide against her hospital window?

Sound familiar?

birds

There aren’t any birds at Cora Hale’s bedside though, only one very guilty-feeling big  brother . . .

guilty brother

Meanwhile, back at Beacon Hills High . . .

Concert of Horrors

You know your town suffers from way too many, untimely, unexplainable by traditional science, deaths, when you start foregoing the tradition funeral / memorial service, and start paying homage to your dearly departed by just throwing them a high school band concert, every once in a while.  You know, because nothing says “I’m sorry you were hung from your wrists and gutted like a fish,” like a bunch of sweaty 16 year olds playing a bad rendition of Beethoven’s “Moonlight Sonata” in a smelly gym . . .

memorial concert 2

Our entire Scooby Gang converges on the school that night to watch a lame concert, and protect their beloved teachers from being the Darach’s next victim.  Danny is one of the players. So lovestruck Ethan wishes him luck by giving him a breathmint, before he goes on stage . . . a gift which not only implies that the poor kid has bad breath, but also is REALLY dangerous to be sucking while you are PLAYING A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT.  Hasn’t this kid already choked enough on foreign substances to last a life time?

breath mint

Source

puking danny

Though really dumb about the art of playing musical instruments, Ethan is smart enough about supernatural killers to know that something SUPER BAD is going to go down at his concert.  So, he tells Danny to find him, the minute things start to go wrong . . .  unless of course he’s under the control of the Darach at the time, and chanting in Druid . . . in which case Ethan will just see him later, Mmm-kay?

playing music

Meanwhile, in the audience, Lydia has a surprisingly sweet moment with Scott, during which she promises to find the dead body BEFORE it dies this time around.  Scott promises her that, if she does that, he will put an end to the Darach.  They hold hands and silently remind the audience that they once sucked face, back in Season 1 . . .

swear i will

hands

Source

Then, Lydia gets a text to meet Aiden, in private for a matter of “Life and Death,” which in Aiden-speak is code for “Blue Balls.”

right now

Lydia goes to meet him, around the same time Aiden complains that he lost his phone.  Ruh-ROH!

Upon hearing that telltale chanting once again, Lydia finds herself face-to-face with the ever elusive Darach, who is . . .

Because Every Woman Who F*&ks Derek Hale Turns Out to be Dead or Evil (sometimes both)

DEREK’S F*&K BUDDY MAGIC COOCHIE THE ENGLISH TEACHER!  SURPRISE!  Not surprised

evil english

This reveal reminds me of the time, back early in the season, when a disgruntled Sterek fan wrote publicly to Jeff Davis, about how much she hated the Dennifer pairing, a ship that seemed to come literally out of nowhere, caused Derek to behave in a manner that was entirely out of character, and had about as much substance as one of those bad romance novels my grandma used to buy for $2.50 at the local Shop Rite . . .

mackin

Jeff Davis cautiously replied that he hoped the fan didn’t give up on the show, because there was more to Dennifer than met the eye . . .

Clearly, this is what he meant.  And while the Jennifer-as-Darach plot conceit mostly exonerates Davis for what appeared to be the poorest written romance in Teen Wolf history . . . (It was SUPPOSED to be SHALLOW, GUYS!  She’s EVIL!  It’s like writing Lord Voldemort as a romantic lead in Harry Potter . . .  Dude just doesn’t do hearts and flowers.)

darach

Be my Valentine?

 . . . it does present to viewers another, much larger problem, one which I like to call the “Dumbification of Derek Hale.”

torn up derek 1

The two or three of you that have actually been reading these recaps of mine since Season 1 know that Derek was MY GUY . . .

ep 9 yeah derek just teenwolf

(I didn’t jump onto the Stiles Bandwagon with you smarter, less shallow, viewers until somewhere around late season 1 .  . .)

He was the “Bad Boy” . . . the “Brooding, Morally Ambiguous Anti-Hero” with the dark past, who was battling his own personal demons . . . and (as all TV Bad Boys do) just really needed the good love of a nerdy TV Recapper to solve all his problems . . .

ep 5 running derek

let me love you

But as the series progressed, I learned, much to my chagrin, that Derek is not an anti-hero because he’s morally ambiguous . . .  he’s an anti-hero, because he fails miserably at heroism . . .

scary derek

Let’s face it, in the past two seasons, the writers have made Derek terrible at solving crimes, lousy at battling big bads, unskilled at choosing pack members, uninspiring as an Alpha, inexperienced as a leader, not so hot at being a big brother, and an absolutely HIDEOUS judge of character, when it comes to the women with whom he chooses to share his Little Dog . . .

ep 5 kate der

Having Derek, a guy who supposedly has SERIOUS trust issues, fall so quickly for an evil vixen like Jennifer, who most of the fans pegged as being bad news, since the day she creepily texted all her students a quote from Joseph Conrad’s Heart of Darkness, does terrible, horrible, no good very bad things for a character, who was already in serious need of image rehabilitation.

hot trainer der

And I’m just not sure the writers are going to be able to put the proverbial Humpty Dumpty back together, this time around . . .

Oh, and I almost forgot.  Lydia’s a Banshee . . .

lyd screams

naked lydd

ep 5 screaming lyd

Jennifer tells her so, in one of those frustrating scenes where the Big Bad has it’s nemesis by the claws, and then proceeds to talk for 12 minutes, rather than just . . . oh . . . I don’t know, killing her, like she promised to do in the first place.

grabbing her

“I know I was supposed to be doing something right no.  And I just can’t seem to remember what it is . . .”

(Here’s a fanfiction idea for you guys.  I think Stiles should have been the one to tell Lydia of her true nature.  I just think the reveal would have been a lot more poignant coming from him, given all the two have been through together, with respect to Lydia’s “gift.”  Start writing now! ;))

Meanwhile, back at the concert, the entire high school band becomes possessed and starts that creepy chanting, as one of the teachers, a piano teacher, quickly falls dead of Mistletoe poisoning .  . .

bad chant

dying teacher

But hey, at least Danny’s breath is super fresh!

Poor Stiles’ Dad.  He should have baby stepped into the world of Supernatural Knowledge, when Stiles gave him the chance.  Instead, in a matter of about two minutes, he (1) watches a Concert of Evil; (2) hears Lydia Banshee Scream; (3) sees Scott Wolf Out; (4) Gets kissed by a hot teacher, who turns into Lord Voldemort mid tongue lashing;

made out with darach

(5) gets staked in the stomach with a flying knife thingy; and (6) probably gets kidnapped as the Darach’s next Guardian Sacrifice, while his son watches in horror from behind a locked door, in the episode’s chilling final cliffhanger moments . . .

knifed dad

“Is it Friday yet?”

Methinks someone is going to be needing A LOT of therapy, after this all is over . . .

But hey, at least now, he knows his son is not a liar . . .

poor stilesy

Next week on Teen Wolf , Peter Hale finally comes out of retirement!  Stiles and Lydia MAKE OUT . . . and I’m sure some other stuff happens with that pesky Darach . . .

Until next time, Wolfbangers!

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Filed under Teen Wolf

Nature versus Nurture – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Visionary”

derek the bluegold to blue

“I kind of always assumed it was genetic,” shrugs Stiles, when asked by Peter if he knows why some werewolves have golden eyes, and others have blue.

ep 8 funny stiles

This week on Teen Wolf, we learn that, unlike human eye color, the hue of a werewolves’ peepers is borne out of life experience.

life sucks get a helmet

In fact, much of “Visionary” deals with the theme of “Nature versus Nurture.”

born into greatness

In addition to offering up some pretty meaty back stories for Beacon Hills’ most notorious heroes and villains, this uber ambitious Teen Wolf installment also aimed tackle some of the series’ longest running mysteries, like:

Was Derek Hale always such a sour wolf?

ep 9 go derek maria-ackles

Does he know how to play any other musical instruments, apart from his washboard abs?

derek dream 1

Was Peter Hale always such a creepy stalker type (or is this a new “post death” habit he’s developed)?

looking good peter hale

Was Dead!Ennis ever capable of human speech beyond just grunting?

dying ennis

“Grrrrrrrrr .  . .”

Is Deucalion faking his blindness, or what?

the deuce

see or not

Does telling the fable about the scorpion and the frog three times in one hour make the story less annoying?

2 16 damon says stop talking

And yet, as informative as this season of Teen Wolf has been, I fear there are some questions about this show to which we might never learn the answers.  For example:

What the f*&k is up with the Teen Wolf timeline?

how old

Are Derek and Peter Hale secretly older than the Salvatore Brothers on TVD?

as young as

If werewolves age more slowly than normal humans, how come they are the only characters in flashbacks that consistently get older, while the human adults always look the same?

chris argent

sheriff thinksession

funny face grandpa

Frustrating, isn’t it?

verbal keyboard smash

Anyway .  . . onward, to the RECAP!

[As always, special thanks to our resident recapping genius, Andre, who I know would totally be kind enough to squeeze my hand and take all my pain away, if I ever started drooling black goo .  . .]

About a Girl

For a good looking guy, Derek Hale sure has SH*TTY luck with the ladies . . .

hot derek

Up until this point, we’ve all assumed that it was saucy sociopath Kate Argent, who converted Derek into the cliched Lone Wolf, by seducing him, and then summarily proceeding to BURN DOWN HIS HOUSE, AND KILL EVERYONE HE EVER LOVED . . .

ep 5 kate der

As it turns out, Derek’s experience with Kate only further cemented his belief that love sucks, and almost always ends in horrific untimely death . . .

ep 12 dead kate

Meet Paige.  She plays the oboe(?), and wears Mom Jeans.

oboe

mom jeans

staring at

She’s also about to ruin Derek for women for all eternity . . .

torn up derek 1

(Well .  . . at least women, who don’t have magic coochies .  . .)

talk to hot english

When Paige who almost looks too much like Miss Magic Coochie for it to be a mere coincidence accuses young Derek of interrupting her “Band Practice” . . .

basketball in gym

. . . he proceeds to shove his balls in her face . . .

balls in face

. . . well . . . more like one ball, actually.

eye roll

Derek Hale – DE-NIED!

blue balls

Round Two of the Mating Game:  Paige offers to tell Derek her name, if he can play her a musical instrument.  Derek’s choice?

plays triangle

(Personally, I think the drums would have been a more manly selection.  But the triangle wins on snark value, as it is pretty much the most useless musical instrument ever invented . . . No offense to all you Concert Trianglists out there . . .)

hate you

mackin time

kiddy kisses

Thank you for playing the Mating Game, Derek and Paige!  You may now proceed to grope and fondle one another in dark, creepy abandoned places, where teens like you tend to get killed in horror movies . . .

its perfectly safe

“Come grope me in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre house.  It’s totally safe!”

making out in caves

you love me dreams lost in water

Speaking of killers, this episode marks the return of Young!Peter, a character wh0 heretofore only existed in Lydia’s wacky hallucinations . . .

lose something

staring at you

What’s interesting about this portion of the episode is that Derek’s flashback is told entirely from the point-of-view of Peter, even though Peter seems to have NOTHING AT ALL TO DO WITH THIS STORY.

chillin pete

“I’m just cool like that.”

So, basically, we get to watch a bunch of scenes with Derek and Paige, during which Peter is inexplicably lurking in the background, doing absolutely nothing of importance . . .

lurking pete

stalker

lurking 1

lurking 2

In other words, it’s kind of like what happens in every episode of this season . .  .

peter says hi luceateis - Copy

Some fans have speculated that this is because Peter is lying to Cora and Stiles.  And that HE and not Derek was the true heartbroken lothario in this story.

perfect combinations

He’s even shown to have golden (and not blue) eyes himself, when the story begins . . .

peter with golden eyes

But what would Peter gain by lying about something as seemingly unrelated to the main narrative as this?

stefan shrug

Since we are on the subject of Peter, it’s important to note that his presence in the story is our first shred of evidence that all is not what it seems, when it comes to werewolf aging.

what century

After all, in present day, Peter appears to be a good six to seven years older than Derek, whereas in the flashbacks, he looks to be only a year or two older tops . . .

no one will ban

To further complicate things, Flashback!Derek makes a comment that Peter isn’t supposed to be on school grounds.  Since we already know from previous episodes that the latter graduated from Beacon Hills as a basketball star, this little tidbit of information would seem to suggest that Peter IS much older than Derek, and DID graduate about six or seven years earlier than him, but still LOOKS the same as he did in high school.

basketball

Speaking of playing basketball . . .is it a mere coincidence that both Peter and his nephew excelled in the sport?  Or is this yet another hint that Derek’s “Doomed Love Story” with Paige was actually Peter’s own?

He’s also a tad pathetic for continuing to hang out with high school kids, despite being well into his mid twenties . . .

teen wolf 12 eye roll

Then again, the same could be said about Derek and Peter, in present day . . .

Anywhoo, if we are to believe Peter’s narrative, even though he is the first to plant the seeds in Derek’s head that he must turn Paige into a werewolf, or risk losing her forever . . .

turn her

bite is a gift

So is herpes, buddy . . .

 . . .  it’s ultimately Derek who arranges for Ennis to attack Paige at school, and give her “The Bite.”  (Of course, this so-called agreement between Ennis and Derek happens off-screen.  So, we can’t be too sure.)

2 16 lie

So, a bite is exactly what Paige gets.

stranger danger

magic eraser

Talk about someone who should be banned from school grounds.

pedo

playing hard to get

“I love it when girls play hard to get.”

gotcha en

“Hey there, Little Girl.  Ever had a hickey from a Big Bad Wolf?”

And then she BITES THE DUST . . .

sterek comfort

“I am the Angel of Death.”

hand grasping

smush

But not before a heartbreakingly agonizing scene during which she tells Derek she pretty much knew exactly what he was, and loved him anyway . . . thereby making this whole biting thing completely unnecessary.

know who you are

She could have lived, DAMMIT!

draco malfoy facepalm

Let that be a lesson to YOU, people who like to hire strange men to bite their significant others .  .  .

naughty naughty

Paige then, more or less, asks Derek to kill her fast, because she is unable to cope with the pain of the slow, painful death of her body rejecting the bite . . .

he killed her

So, Derek gives Paige the “Hug of Death,” which I assume breaks her spine.

And that’s how Derek Hale first became a murderer, or more accurately a mercy killer.  He saw an animal in a lethal amount of pain.  And he put that animal to sleep . . .  kind of like a veterinarian . . .

the vet ac

That was cold.”

Of course, like I said, most veterinarians don’t hire grunting gorilla types to bite people’s pets, and make them die .  . . no matter how much that would help their business to thrive . . . at least I hope not.  Almost immediately after “killing” Paige, Derek gets a shiny new pair of colored contacts . . .

derek the blue

mommy

“Worry not, Sonny Boy.  I still love your murderous ass.  Too bad I’m about to suffer a horrible death, like every other woman in your life . .  .”

Peter tells Cora and Stiles that wolves’ eyes turn from gold to blue, after they take an innocent human life.  (As a blue-eyed person myself, I find this highly offensive and “color-ist”)

listening to story 2 three

“I’m not a colorist.  Some of my best friends have blue eyes!”

It also poses more questions than it answers.  Jackson’s eyes turned blue, when he became a wolf, presumably because of all the people Matt had him kill as a kanaima . . . most of whom did little more wrong than attend a party where a little boy fell in the pool and almost drowned.  Sure, laughing at a drowning kid is mean, but it doesn’t make a person sufficiently “not innocent” to deserve untimely death . . .

blue eyes

On the other hand, Jackson only killed while under the control of Matt, and arguably should not be “blue,” for actions over which he had no autonomy.

matt and ma

kanima tatt

too soon haha - Copy

The case of Peter, who’s beta form also includes blue eyes, is even more intriguing.  Peter killed a crap load of people as the Alpha in season 1.  However, each of those people played a significant role in the fire that killed his family.  And therefore, arguably none of them were “innocent,” like Paige.

peter pan

Perhaps, Peter secured his blue-eyed beta form when he killed Laura Hale to become an Alpha. . .

crying chick

teen wolf chewed body

But was Laura Hale, herself truly innocent?

At the time we first heard about her, we all assumed that Laura inherited her title of Alpha, when her shapeshifting mother Talia (who we now know was Alpha prior to Laura) died in the Hale family fire.

But according to “Ye Olde Wise Hale Family Guide” Deaton (with the exception of Special Snowflake Scott) Alphas only become Alphas by killing their predecessors.  So, did Laura kill Talia?  And, if so, under what circumstances?  Had she euthanized her mother due to injuries she sustained in the fire?  Or was the murder something a bit more malicious?

wachu talking about deuchy

“Whatchu talkin about recapper?”

I found it noteworthy that Laura Hale appeared nowhere in this flashback, despite her presumably being around the same age as Peter and Derek at the time all this “Paige Stuff” was going down . . .

dont understand

Have I confused you enough yet?

awww stilesy

Here’s another question?  What happens to a pack whose Alpha dies for reasons entirely unrelated to homicide?  Do they just wander the Earth Alpha-less?  Because that seems like a pretty piss poor way to run a species . . .

wolfy adrixu00

“Will YOU be my Alpha?”

Upon determining that Sassy Uncle Peter is full of sh*t, Stiles decides to go to the source, and ask Derek himself, what really happened between him and Paige.  So, maybe we’ll get some answers from him.

sterek next to eachother

“So, do you wanna talk about it?”

“NO!”

“All righty then . . .”

But somehow I doubt it.  Derek has never exactly been the eloquent type .  . .

ep 9 no fit gravyjones

This is your brain.

walking with brain

This is your brain on Teen Wolf . . .

squish

Meanwhile, elsewhere in Flashback Land . . .

Beware the EYES of March . . .

Peter Hale isn’t the only Teen Wolf villain doling out bedtime stories.

drooly

In exchange for some magical hand fondles from Scott, that sexy Drooler of Shoe Polish, Gerard Argent decides to tell Scott and Allison the story of how Deucalion first lost his sight . . .

hand shake

this hurts me worse

“This feels kind of like an orgasm . . . only really, really sh*tty.”

It all starts when Ennis . . .  yes THAT Ennis . . . loses a member of his pack, presumably after that member is killed and cut in half by Gerard himself.

soon to be dead

blah

“So much for being the first talking Asian wolf on this show . . .”

If we are to believe Gerard’s story, before they became the Alpha Pack, Ennis’s Pack, Kali’s Pack, and Deucalion’s Pack all live in the vicinity of Beacon Hills.

damn you ennis

*lots of hot extras, who we will unfortunately never see again*

the douche

For example, I’m really liking the guy to the left of the douche who ultimately tried to kill Deucalion . . .

(Also if we are to believe Gerard’s story, the Argent family lived in Beacon Hills long before they supposedly “moved in to town” during the episode pilot.)

teen wolf hunters

Commence retcon immediately . . .

Ennis somehow arranges for all the packs to convene in Beacon Hills to discuss the “Hunter Situation.”  Specifically, he wants to meet with Derek’s mom, because she’s a naked chick, with the power to turn into a “Real Wolf,” as opposed to those bizarre wolf-headed man things into which everyone else on the show turns.

pissed ennis

full happy wolf

Happiest wolf ever . . .

nakey lady

Happiest Wolf Ever after a good shaving . . .

But then, of course, once everyone arrives at the meeting, Sneaky Ennis decides to engage in some graffiti.

cave painting ennis

Apparently, doing this makes everyone in the room wolf-bound to help him in his plan to get vengeance on the hunters.

this guy sucks

BETA 1: “Dammit, I knew I should have gone to the bathroom.  Now, I’m stuck on this stupid Revenge Death Mission . . .”

BETA 2: “Ennis is an ass.  He’s the kind of guy who would kill his own pack, just to gain their powers.  We are so lucky we have a nice, level-headed Alpha like Kali leading us.  She’d never do something awful like that.”

KALI: “Whistles.”

Long story short, pretty much everything bad that’s ever happened in this series is Ennis’ fault . . .  No wonder they decided to squash his head like a melon . . .

melon head cat

Gerard and the wolf pack ultimately arrange a “peaceable” meeting, and, from Gerard’s telling, the wolves turn on him, as is their “nature.”

meeting

There goes that pesky Scorpion / Frog story again   . . .

However, as viewers, we have the benefit of SEEING flashbacks.  So, we know that Gerard is full of crap, and lashed out against the wolves first, by gassing them with wolfsbane . . .

gassy

“I swear I thought it was the air conditioner . . .”

lots of gas

“All right, which one of you wolves farted?”

 . . . and then wacking them on the noggin with this weird club thingy that makes him look like a REAALLLLLLY OLD version of Bam-Bam on the Flintstones . . .

bam bam

bam bam bam

better bam bam

Of course, it’s Gerard who ultimately blinds Deucalion . . .

boing

“Care for some Lasik Surgery?”

its electrifying

electrifying

oh my eyes

“I knew I should have just stuck with contacts . . .”

 . . . but not ALL of him  . . . as one ill-fated power hungry beta soon learns, when he tries to use Deucalion’s newfound blindness as an opportunity to take control of his pack . . .

you are done

“I’m not being beta to a blind wolf again.  They are always making me walk into walls.”

deucalieyes

“See ya in hell, Douchebag!”

You see, Deucalion may be blind as a human, but as a wolf, he still has his full sight.  (And that, my dear Wolfbangers, was the first part of this story that actually made sense to me.)

nodding oh yeah

Nice knowing ya, Guy Who Strangely Resembles Marcel from The Originals.  See ya next lifetime . . . when you become a vampire in New Orleans.

how you like me now

So, now we know Deucalion wasn’t always such a douchebag.  In fact, he probably would have ended up being a nice, peace loving Alpha, with a penchant for old man sweaters straight out of This Guy’s closet . . . .

better mr. rogers sweater

mr-rogers

“Won’t you be my beta?”

 . . . were it not for Ennis and his cave paintings . . .  He also, apparently, wouldn’t have had that accent.  (Because I’m pretty sure he didn’t have it in the flashbacks.)  Because suffering and loss have the power to make you British . . . who knew?

demon wolf

Like Stiles and Cora, Allison and Scott also happen to think their bedtime storyteller is full of crap . . .

dont believe you

“Why should I believe you when sh*t LITERALLY comes out of your mouth, every time you speak?”

But to really learn the truth about what happened back then, Allison and Scott will probably have to ask Deucalion himself

destroyer of worlds

. . .  which seems like a monumentally BAAAAD idea . . .

Speaking of Bad Ideas, guess who has decided to take up cave painting?

revenge

remembering

no no on

Silly Sour Wolf!  Revenge Plots are for people who want to end up with their heads squashed . . .

Next week on Teen Wolf, we finally get to learn what Lydia is probably a banshee, and the true identity of the darach probably Magic Coochie.

darach

Also  . . . SHIRTLESS ALPHA DANCING!

shirtless male review

more shirtless male review

(It’s like Magic Mike . . . only hairier)

magic mike

Annnnnd here’s the trailer(s) . . .

Until next time, Wolfbangers!

stiles with wolf hat

[www.juliekushner.com][My Tumblr] [Fangirls Forever 2 - I SELL TEEN WOLF SHIRTS HERE!]

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Sacrificial Wolf – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Currents”

awkward death

“Well this is awkward . . .”

One of the downsides of being a lead protagonist on a supernatural series is that the mere act of being your friend, relative, lover,  or random acquaintance literally causes people to DIE.  Elena Gilbert, Buffy Summers, Sam and Dean Winchester, Sookie Stackhouse, the folks from Being Human, Arya Stark . . . these folks actually share very little in common with one another, apart from the impenetrable cloud of death that follows them wherever they go . . .

the effing angel of death

Unfortunately, the same goes for Scott McCall and Derek Hale, both of whose friendships are not unlike some venereal diseases . . . incredibly painful and deadly, if not properly treated.

going to die

All of this is basically my long-winded way of saying, R.I.P. Vernon Boyd.  If only you had been wearing protection . . . like a bullet proof vest, or a body condom . . .

condom 2

Thank goodness, Stiles already has one of those . . .

condom 3

But if I were Isaac, I’d probably be wearing this over my clothes every week .  . .

Immortals-2011-daniel-sharman-31573654-534-800

Is that a toilet plunger he’s holding?

This week, on Teen Wolf we learned all about currents . . .

the current

 .  . . and why, no matter how badly you want to be kissed on Christmas, it’s a bad idea to eat Mistletoe . . .

puking danny

 . . . also this week on Teen Wolf, I was reminded why I’m petrified of moths . . .

lots of moths

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always special thanks to my amazing screencapper Andre, to whom I would absolutely lend my body condom (never used . . . don't worry), if I thought, for a second, that being my friend was harmful to his health . . .)

It's Hard Out There for a Pimp Nurse . . .

Mama McCall is having a rough night.

having a bad day

sad mom

It's as if she went to bed a supporting character on Teen Wolf, and woke up the star of Grey's Anatomy . . .

ep 10 yay mom

"Doctor McDreamy is so steamy!"

McDreamy

 .  . . which would be great for a swinging single lady like Mama McCall, except for one small problem . . .ALL THE HOT DOCTORS ARE EITHER DEAD . . .

dead guy on floor

 . . . or out catching butterflies . . . with their mouths . . .

eating the moth

"Nom-nom.   Got one!"

Talk about warped priorities!  Then again, what do you expect from a woman stupid enough to pick up a hitchhiker who looks like THIS . . .

hitchhiking no no

"Could I possibly trouble you to drop me off at the Gates of Hell?"

(I guess they don't teach you about Stranger Danger in Med School.)

Meanwhile, back in the hospital, Scott takes away some lady's pain, just by fondling her boob wrist.

touch me

veiny hand

I thought he was only able to do that with puppies!

Then, because everybody needs a little Christmas (right this very minute), Ethan carries Danny into the hospital.  And the latter proceeds to vomit SO MUCH Mistletoe (definitely an entire wreath's worth) all over the hospital floor . . .

puking danny

mistletoe kisses

Ethan must eat poison mistletoe all the time, because he knew exactly what it was the minute Danny spewed . . .

you rock

"My boyfriend is a total lightweight . . ."

(It kind of reminds me of that time, back in fourth grade science class, when I had to dissect pellets of owl vomit, and determine, based on the types of bones I was pulling out, what the bulimic bird had for breakfast.  I wish I was kidding about this . . .)

stiles grossed out

I'm just trying to figure out how the Darach managed to get Danny to eat all that plantlife, without him even knowing what he was consuming.  Of course, I have my theories . . .

mistletoe weiner

Christmas weenie?

(Speaking of kissing, if we are to believe what Ethan told Scott this week, now that the Alpha Twins know that Scott doesn't give two craps about Danny, the "love" between this computer hacking, musical instrument-playing, science nerd / former best friend of Jackson and the Gay Alpha Twin could actually be 100% legit.  And they say romance is dead!)

i promise

cuddles dan eth

From Showmance to Romance . . .

When Danny stops breathing, due to an allergic reaction to the mistletoe, Mama McCall saves him by stabbing his chest with a syringe, to allow air his escape his lungs.  I was impressed to learn that the medical science presented in this scene was actually real . . . at least the part about the deflated lung, and the syringe.  I'm not really sure about the whole "Mistletoe Thing."

Mama McCall is hero!  (Though, in hindsight, wouldn't it have been easier for Scott the Messiah to just fondlle Danny's chest a little bit, like he did with that lady?)

in pain

"Now you tell me?"

Speaking of ladies in pain,  did you ever hear the expression, "You are what you eat?"  Because apparently, that doctor chick from earlier in the episode turned into a moth, which made driving her car highly inconvenient . . .

found moth

Driving Ms. Mothy . . .

I'm just kidding, of course.  Moth eating lady, and that Other Doctor are both taken (and ultimately killed) by the EEEEEVVVVIIIIIL DARACH.  I just happen to think transforming the doctor into a bug would have been much funnier, than hanging her from the ceiling (like MISTLETOE!) and murdering her off-screen . . . DARACH FAIL!

voldemort

"I get no respect."

Window Dressing

Speaking of fails, Kali the Werewolf may be tops, when it comes to grabbing foreign objects with her toes, and murdering people.  But when it comes to Threats Disguised as Window Art, she's kind of one-note.

tagging

kali

"I think it's beautiful."

If I were her, I'd probably go for something a bit more personal, like "KALI & ENNIS 4 EVA."

dying ennis

Rest in Peace guy who had no lines the entire season (and who eventually had his face squashed like a rotten melon).

Speaking of window dressing, how adorable were Scott and Isaac, when they kept bedside vigil by Mama McCall's bedside, so she wouldn't be kidnapped by Lord Voldemort and his band of Evil Moth-Loving Tree People?

sleepy mommy

So what if they ended up being the Worst Bodyguards EVER?  It's the thought that counts, right?

woah shes up

"We were just resting our eyes.  We promise."

mom wakes up

"I don't remember anyone telling me this kid moved into our house."

In other window dressing news, I know Deaton's a vet, and loves animals, and all.  But his idea of curtains leaves much to be desired . . .

window treatment

"I wanted my drapes to match my carpet."

Upon seeing the moths hanging out outside his window, Deaton calls Scott, and tells the werewolf he's about to require a rescue.

calling you

"Is this 1-900-KILLDARACH?"

can you hear me now

"I can't talk right now.  My English teacher keeps texting me about not taking calls during class."

I thought this was particularly insightful on Deaton's part.  I mean, if I saw moths outside my window like that, I'd probably just call the exterminator.  Or, more likely, I'd tell whoever was in the house with me at the time to go kill them, while I cowered in the corner with my hands over my eyes.  Yeah, I'm THAT Girl  . . .

I hope you have flood insurance . . .

I'm not exactly sure how much time passed between the events of "Motel California" and those of "Currents."  But I did find it odd that Boyd and Isaac never said boo to Derek about how he more or less faked his own death, devastating the pack, while he hid out in a hole boning the English Teacher . . .

thank you for being a live

"You are pretty much the worst packmaster ever.  But we still heart you."

I also find it strange that Derek seemingly had no problem with flooding his whole apartment, just so that MAYBE he could electrocute one barefoot wolf lady.

sounds like a terrible idea

"Your idea is kind of terrible, to be honest."

Granted the guy has no furniture in his apartment, apart from  . .  . sometimes a table.  So, it's not like there was much property to be damaged.  But still . . .

P.S.  Where is Peter during all this?

smirky peter

"You people are idiots."

Sassy Uncle Pete would have totally talked some sense into this crew, if he were here.  Maybe Boyd would even still be alive!

Daddy Daycare

Stiles, I know things are tough for you right now.  But its high time you came out to your dad about how pretty much all your friends are werewolves, and your future girlfriend is most likely a banshee  . . .

it gets better

Like they say in those commercials . . . "It gets better."

Speaking of getting better, Team Parents was a roll this week.  Not only did Mama McCall save Danny's life, and manage to make it through the entire hour without getting eaten by moths, she also, along with Sheriff Stilinski, pretty much solved the entire mystery of the episode.  The nurse and the sheriff basically took on the roles typically embodied by Stiles and Lydia on this show.  Like Stiles before her, Mama McCall was responsible for determining the way in which the Darach murdered the "healers."  (Asphyxiation by hanging).  As for Sheriff Stilinski, he not only ended up being the first on the scene, when Scott's father figure Deaton first went missing, he was also, ultimately, the one who ended up saving his life.  (More on that later of course . . .)

whos your daddy

Speaking of smart cookie characters over the age of 30 (a rarity in teen TV), Papa Argent also played a part in solving this week's mystery, which I'll get to in just a bit . . .

Knock, Knock . . . (Who's there?)

Meanwhile, back at school, Lydia is getting laid by Aidan again.

humping

"He still hasn't learned where to put his hands."

(What's with these two hooking up in classrooms all the time?  Why can't they do it in the car, or their parents' basement like normal teenagers?  Then again, I'm not even sure the Alpha Twins have parents.  Perhaps, they used to have them, but they ate them . . .)

let me out

"Son, have you done your homework?"

Someone pulls the fire alarm at this point.  But no one really seems to go outside . . .

stefan shrug

Then, Cora appears out of nowhere, which I guess means she pulled the fire alarm?  That reminds me, does Cora even go to school?  I hope so, because I'd hate to see what kind of education one would get by being home-schooled by Derek Hale . . .

threatened

Cora tells Lydia that Derek doesn't want her to date Aidan anymore.  Derek's sudden concern for Lydia is pretty adorable, especially considering that the only real interaction these two have had with one another was that time that Lydia blew wolfsbane in Derek's face, and brought his "evil" uncle back from the dead, who she sort-of / kind-of made out with once . . .

glitter blow

Not exactly a match made in Heaven when it comes to these two . . .

Now that I think about it, having dated both Kanaima Jackson, (almost, but not really) Peter, and now Aidan, Lydia has swapped spit with nearly every season's Big Bad.  Who's next?  Deucalion?

demon wolf

The Darach?

medium_voldemort-looking-up-9fzhu4mo

Hey, at least if Lydia started making out with Gerard, he'd finally get some of that black crap out of his mouth . . .

mountain ash

Anywhoo, on Deaton's sister, Ms. Morell's advice, Stiles and Cora decide to "inspire" Lydia to find where the Darach is hiding by playing with Ouiji Boards and letting her draw stuff . . .

no no on

Silly Stiles!  Haven't you figured out by now that Lydia can only "communicate" psychically with the dead, and Vet Deaton is still alive?

verbal keyboard smash

I was also kind of surprised that Stiles didn't recognize that, by drawing a tree, Lydia might actually have been communicating with the Darach, after all.  Wasn't he the one who translated the word Darach to mean "dark oak?"

draw a tree

"It's like the writers forgot you were smart?"

I fear that perpetual virginity is starting to eat away at Stiles' brain.  It's time to fix that problem.  I'm looking at you, Lydia . . .

sex me now

Elsewhere in school, Scott hears the annoying sound of a tapping cane.  Sigh . . .  am I the only one who thinks this Big Bad needs a new prop?  The blind jokes are getting kind of old . . .

deucalion in elevator

Choose your adventure . . .

In yet another abandoned classroom, Deucalion commandeers Scott for a game of "Cane Keepaway," which, from the looks of it, is kind of like Monkey in the Middle . . . only for blind people . . . with no friends . . .

the deuce

After that fun is over, Deucalion helpfully tells Scott that he can find is little Vet friend by "following the currents."  The only problem is, if he does that, Derek will probably die, because Kali will kill him . . .Choices .  . . choices . . .

Is that a boner in your pocket or . . . is that a boner in your pocket?

Unable to decide between saving the boss who pays him minimum wage, and the hot guy who always lets him down, Scott heads on over to Allison's apartment.  Because while Big Scott can't even decide whether he wants cereal or pancakes for breakfast, Little Scott always seems to know exactly what he wants . . .

boner in frontboner in back

is that a boner

Now, admittedly, I've never exactly been a Scott and Allison fan.  That said, I absolutely ADORE Allison and Little Scott.  Check out how much chemistry these two have with one another in the closet?

In fact, with the exception of Stiles' Weiner, Scott's Weiner might very well be my favorite character on this show . . .

hot dog costume

After their close encounters of the closet kind, Scott and Allison head to Papa Argent's lair, where they learn that the now-out-of-retirement werewolf hunter, has not only been closely mapping the Darach kidnappings and murders, he's also been predicting where subsequent ones will take place!

showing the light

I told you Team Parents took home a win, this week . . .

I dream of Stilinski

Speaking of winning, my favorite scene in the entire episode was the one where Stiles visits Danny in the hospital, and tries to convince the latter, he's dreaming, so he can snoop in peace . . .

dreaming

looking in your bag

shh go sleepy

*whistles a lullaby*

Stiles correctly assumes that the Darach poisoned but didn't kill Danny, in order to prevent the latter from important information about the other sacrifices.  Lo and behold, Stiles finds a term paper in Danny's bag about . . . wait for it  . . . currents.

Did someone say "Currents"?  (That's the title of this episode!)

There goes Teen Wolf trying to make us learn again . . .

ephemeral

Upon comparing Chris Argent's Murder Map of Beacon Hills with the one from Danny's research paper, the Scooby Gang discovers that all of the kidnappings, murders and body discoveries each took place at specific places in town where electrical currents were most powerful.  The explanation actually reminded me a bit of the whole "expression triangle" bit the writers used on TVD this past year.

location found

That said, I give the writers of Teen Wolf a bit more credit for actually basing all the supernatural occurrences that take place in the fictional town of Beacon Hills on something resembling actual scientific principle.

Also . . . they didn't call it a ridiculous name like "expression triangle."

taking the heart bonniegraham

It's actually Cora who takes the final logic leap to determine that the Darach is most likely holding Deaton in the same vault where she and Boyd had been held captive at the beginning of the season.

skeptical cora

(Congratulations Cora!  When it comes to intelligence, you might just take more after your Sassy Sociopathic Uncle Peter  than your pretty, and very good at punching things, but not particularly bright, brother Derek.)

And so the group decides to split up, with Scott heading to the vault to save Deaton, while the rest of the crew head to Chez Derek, upon learning that Boyd's plan to electrocute Kali by flooding Derek's apartment ended up being . . . wait for it . . . all wet.

teen wolf 12 eye roll

Even Magic Coochie can't save you now . . .

In a move that surprises absolutely no one, Kali  kidnaps Miss Magic Coochie, herself, and drags her to Derek's apartment, in hopes of getting him to toe the line and join her Big Bad Alpha Pack.

got your coochie

"Got your coochie!"

Derek looks forlornly at Magic Coochie, hoping that she will help get them out of this mess.  Unfortunately, the Magic Coochie remains powerless unless her pants are down . . .

better got your coochie

"Coochie, coochie coo?"

And so, as they do every episode, Derek's pack, and the Alpha pack begin beating one another up in a warehouse like space . . . only this time, due to the flood in the apartment, the fighting looks more like water aerobics than anything else .  . .

water aerobics

Speaking of aerobics . . .

Scott shows off his talent for miming .  . .

OK .  . . OK . . . I get that it is supposed to be this "Huge Triumphant Moment," when Scott finally realizes what most fans figured out in week 1 . . . that this Special Snowflake would somehow manage to become an Alpha, without putting in the hard work, and/or coping with the mental anguish of ACTUALLY KILLING SOMEONE.

red eyes

I just wish the moment of realization was . . . oh I don't know . . . A LOT COOLER?

Think about it, Scott spent his Big Red Eye Alpha Day making constipated facial expressions and knocking up against an INVISIBLE WALL.

pushing the wall

miming

constipated look wall

mime

"I'm in a box."

He couldn't even save Deaton!  HUMAN Sheriff Stilinski had to do it for him, using something as common place as a gun to shoot down the ropes from which  the vet was suspended.

hanging deaton

bang

shot down

"That was easy."

Superhero Origin stories are supposed to be epic.  Everyone remembers the first time Spiderman threw a web from his hand, and climbed up a skyscraper.  As kids, we ooohed and aahed to see Superman Fly "faster than a speeding bullet."  We all wanted to ride in the Batmobile with Batman, smash a building with The Hulk, wield a hefty hammer like Thor . . .

smash 2

I understand that Scott's "Magic Power" comes from him being such a "nice guy."  I just kind of wish he was a "nice guy," with the ability to do cool sh*t, like say manipulating electric currents with his bare hands . . .

trust scott

It would make Big Bad's like Deucalion's interest in him make a lot more sense . . .  Just sayin . . .

Bad Vibrations

electrifying

Good news: the Scooby Gang managed to turn back on the power in Derek's house!

electrocuted better

draco malfoy facepalm

Bad news: they totally electrocuted the wrong people!

Worse news, the Alpha Pack took this electric opportunity to stake Boyd using Derek's OWN claws as a weapon.  Talk about traumatic!

sad boyd

Quick, Boyd's hurt!  Someone bring over the Magic Coochie!  Seriously, if anyone needs to get laid on this show, it's Boyd . . . possibly even more than Stiles.  At least Stiles can SMILE sometimes through his virginity.  Poor Boyd has always been a perpetual sourwolf.  And now it looks like he will be a sourwolf for all eternity . . .

All kidding aside, as tragic (and arguably useless) as Boyd's death was, the scene was exceptionally done.  Everything from the brief flashback of Erika going down swinging . . . to Boyd's final words . . . to the poetic use of the concept of a lunar eclipse as strength in death . . . to the quiet way Derek allowed Stiles to comfort him, when his entire life seemed to be going to Hell in a Handbasket . . . was beautifully shot and painstakingly directed.

erika rising to the occasion

erika dying

sterek comfort

As much as I tease the writers of this show sometimes, it's moments like these that remind us why we, as fans, keep coming back, week after week to watch .  . .  which, of course, brings me to . . .

A Spoilery Sneak Peek into Teen Wolf's Future . .

Normally, at this point in the recap, I offer you a link to next week's trailer.  But this week, I was much more intrigued by the SUPER SPOILERY Comic Con trailer.  So, I'm going to post IT instead . . .  (Warning:  While I've never been a TV fan who shies away from spoilers,  this particular trailer gives away SOOO much information, that I would advise anyone who is even the slightest bit spoilerphobic not to view it.)

3 10 go away crazzyfruit

This is the part of my recap, when I give spoilerphobes a chance to click away from this website . . .

Are they gone yet?

gone looked big

OK  . . . for the rest of you, please enjoy the trailer, which, if you watch carefully, provides you with, not only the true identity of the DARACH (or at least one of it's key henchmen), but also a MAJOR MAKEOUT SCENE, featuring one of the series' most popular will they/won't they couples . . .

In other news from Comic Con, apparently next season of Teen Wolf will feature a kitsune, the very same supernatural creature, whose television debut Andre and I have been rooting for, for about two years now.

kitsune

(Jeff Davis referred to it as a “Japanese shapeshifter,” but we know better . . .)

Annnnnd, that’s all she wrote, Wolfbangers!  Please feel free to drop me a line in the comments regarding your thoughts on “Currents,” “Comic Con,” “the Darach,” and kitsunes . . .

stiles dancing at gay bar melchiors

Until next time!

[www.juliekushner.com][My Tumblr] [Fangirls Forever]

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