“Hey, it’s me Stiles! Let me in! I’m totally harmless, and not at all possessed by an evil sociopathic spirit, who experiences orgasms from your pain.”
So you probably all read that story in school about how the Greeks defeated the Trojans during the Trojan war, by making them believe they had already won the war, presenting them with an attractive looking package that seemed to cement their victory, and using that package to get themselves behind enemy lines and ultimately defeat their oppressors.
My Little Trojan Horse Pony
Quite a few times this season, we’ve seen “Stiles” trick people into accepting dangerous substances, by wrapping those substances in shiny white paper and pretty silver bows, and disguising them as gifts.
And yet, when you think about it, the REAL Trojan Horse of Season 3B is Stiles, himself . . . Good, Snarky, Skinny, Smart, Loveable Virgin Stiles . . . the guy we loved, adored and rooted for, over the course of three seasons. By using this fan favorite character as his host, the Nogitsune gains unofficial membership into Scott’s pack. He enjoys the benefits of their power and protection. He becomes privy to their secrets.
He defeats them, without them even realizing they are being defeated . . .
All of the Teen Wolf villains have tried to some extent to accomplish this, with varying degrees of success. Peter tried to get behind enemy lines by controlling his adversaries . . .
“Dance puppet, dance!”
. . . the Kanaima by terrorizing them . . .
. . . the Darach by boning them (or, at least, one of them) . . .
. . . Grandpa by manipulating them . . .
. . . the Alpha Pack by torturing them.
But none of these attempted takedowns have been as effective as the one perpetrated by Nogitsu-Stiles . . . a sly villain who understands that the best way to defeat your nemeses is to become one of them . . .
Let’s review, shall we?
[As always, a big hearty thank you to Everyone’s Favorite Supernatural Screencapper Andre, whose every picture is worth a thousand words . . . which means I can write a lot less. :)]
Dr. Dolittle’s Revenge
Once upon a time, there was a veterinarian with the quirky ability to talk to animals. Talking to the animals made the doctor seem like a bit of a nutbar, but it also made him better at his job.
By being able to ask the animals directly what exactly it was that was ailing them, he could more quickly and easily cure them.
But this magical ability also came with a darkside, as efficient a healer of animals as Dr. Dolittle was, he was also it pretty efficient killer of animals. He knew their weaknesses, how to gain their trust, how to disarm them . . .
Poor Yuki and his well-meaning, if slightly curmudgeony, Yakuza owner, learned this lesson the hard way, when Dr. Dolittle Deaton Trojan Horsed their asses, just so he could do a little weeding in their backyard . . .
Now, that’s just rude!
Now, I haven’t checked Career Builder recently to find out how much they pay vets in Beacon Hills, but it must be a lot, because our Deaton had enough moolah to fly all the way to Japan just to slip some paralytic Kanaima snot into poor Yuki Wolf’s puppy chow.
“OK, be honest. Which one of you yakuza pooped in my Kibbles n Bits?”
Under the guise of attempting to cure little Yuki, Deaton quickly gains access, not only to Yakuza headquarters, but also to the cursed garden where Nogitsu-Yakuza was murdered by the Oni, in that flashback a few episodes back.
“Why was my adorable Yuki eating fox poison from this creepy shrine to my dead father and his massively f*&ked up teeth?” The Yakuza wants to know.
“Just kidding!” Deaton replies. “He wasn’t. And I just made you touch Kanaima goo. Nana-Nana- NOO NOO!”
“I wonder how high I would get if I smoked all of this?”
Dr. Deaton blows the most powerful man in Japan a raspberry, as the latter lies on the floor dumbfounded and motionless, trying to figure out what the f*&k just happened to him, and how he wound up on a teen television show as the nameless patsy, as opposed to in a Martial Arts movie as the main villain, where he clearly belongs. Then, Dr. Does-Slightly-More-Than-a-Little (at least this week) pockets some Nogitsu-Stiles killing weeds, and heads back to America on JetBlue, like the BAMF he is . . .
“Suck on that, Eddie Murphy!”
The Electric Slide – It’s Not Just a Lame Dance You Did in Middle School Anymore . . .
Meanwhile, halfway across the world, only mere minutes have passed since we last saw Kira, who is still dancing with a pesky livewire outside the hospital. Please kiddies, do NOT try this at home!
Cue the slew of dying extras, who moronically step out of the cars into puddles of water, and do the Electric Slide all the way to the morgue (which is very conveniently located, seeing as this all happens right outside the hospital).
“Ooh an electric puddle. I think I’ll step in it!”
“Me too! Electric puddles are awesome and not at all dangerous!”
Remember those cartoons you used to watch, when you were a kid, where the guy showed his lady love how chivalrous he was, by taking off his coat and putting it in a puddle of water, just so that the woman he secretly wanted to bone wouldn’t have to suffer the indignity of having wet feet?
Well, Isaac, bless his heart, takes this whole chivalry thing, even one step further, by getting electrocuted for Allison, just so she didn’t have to suffer the indignity of getting her hair fried and looking like this . . .
“This idea played out a whole lot better in my head.”
Then, Kira does some show-offy backflips over cars . . .
“Situations where the entire town is in danger are the best times for me to practice my gymnastics!”
. . .verrrrryyy SLOWWWWWW-LY sucks up all the electricity into her fist to the tune of Dramatic Music, and becomes a hospital hero . . .
“I bet if you put your iPhone on my forehead, I can charge it for you!”
(Though I’m sure Dead Extra’s 1, 2, 3 and Isaac are probably wishing she did a few less backflips, and chose a slightly snappier Heroic Theme Song, since her doing so would have prevented them from suffering the indignity of frying like bacon).
“Thanks a lot, Foxy!”
Nonetheless, Scott and Derek are understandably enthralled. After all seeing Kira perform this feat brings back fond memories for both of them . . .
“That was really hot, and gave me the strange compulsion to suck my thumb and then stick it in an electrical socket.”
Like the time that Scott verrrry SLOWWWLLLY popped a bubble with his mind . . .
. . . and the time that Derek verrrry SLLOWLLLY allowed two wacked out baby werewolves to beat the shit out of him, so that they wouldn’t beat the sht out of his girlfriend, who ended up being a Skeletor-faced psycho killer, anyway.
Who is on Team Nogitsune?
Many of you Werebangers have speculated that Nogitsu-Stiles is not acting alone. Granted, his repeated use of the word “We” when making his villainous speeches, could just be an annoying habit . . . like those awful people who always talk about themselves in the third person.
But it could also mean that he’s acting in tandem with someone else . . . a second Trojan Horse . . . one who is still hiding dormant behind enemy lines . . .
Like for example, the Hot New Deputy, who instantly insisted that the “Mysterious Package” delivered to the Sheriff’s office contained nothing but “harmless batteries and flashlights.” (How many Fedex Delivery guys do you know, who inform you what’s inside their packages before they give them to you?)
“I thought you were about to comment on how huge my package is. And I was going to tell you all about how with good diet and exercise, anyone can have a really large package, even you Sheriff. But, then again, maybe it all comes down to good genes.”
And what about Allison? The only member of Scott’s pack, who has yet to be marked by the Oni as her “Self” . . . the woman getting mysterious messages from Japanese internment camps, who, like Stiles, is being haunted by her darker other half . . . a woman who seemed EXTREMELY INTERESTED in Scott’s pain-sucking abilities when he went to visit Isaac, and who made a point of holding his hand tightly, while the wolf did his Arm Fondle Thing . . .
“Maybe I should touch his butt again. It made him stronger last time!”
“I really hope she touches my ass again. That will solve all my problems.”
Just sayin . . .
“Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Possessed by an Evil Spirit Who Wants You Dead.”
At school, Kira suggests that Nogitsu-Stiles may be terrorizing Beacon Hills as part of some Long-Con Revenge Plot, for wrongs perpetrated against him long ago . . . Riiiight, because we’ve never seen THAT before, on this show? Have we . . .
In the men’s locker room, a woefully fully dressed Scott and Alpha twins (I thought nudity in the locker room was a requirement on this show. What gives, Jeff Davis?) are summoned to the school basement by the sound of an emitter held by none other than Stiles Stilinski . . .
“I come in peace.”
But WHICH Stiles Stilinski is it?
Will the real Stiles Shady please stand up?
Stiles assures his pals that he’s the Good Stiles. And they instantly believe him, for no other reason than that the kid is just so doggone cute with his spiky hair and blue flannel shirt. And because this particular portion of the pack are not exactly its “A” students, if you catch my drift . . .
“Stiles” shows the crew his alter ego’s “Big Ole Bag’ O Mischief,” and they look at him like he’s the Leprechaun who’s just shown them the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
And while this Stiles may, in fact, be a Leprechaun, of sorts, I don’t think he’s one of the Lucky Charms Variety . . . More like This Guy . . .
“Mrs. Robinson Martin, are you trying to seduce me?”
In the film, The Graduate, a young Dustin Hoffman gets nookie from two beautiful ginger-headed ladies, who just so happen to be mother and daughter.
Peter Hale is equally slutty. Just half a season ago, he was posing as his teenage self, and locking lips with Lydia. Now, he seems to be putting the moves on her mommy. Or is he?
“This is the most action I got, since Klaus drowned me in the fountain on The Vampire Diaries!”
Upon speaking to her mother, Lydia gets the impression that Peter, with his cryptic talk of “hearing tests,” is using her mother to get to the aurally-attuned banshee, herself . . .
. . . because seducing a child through the woman that gave birth to her isn’t creepy at all!
Dumb like fox!
It’s Trickster Spirit – 3, Wolf Pack- 0, when, mere hours after electrifying the hospital, Nogitsu-Stiles (1) frames Papa Argent and Derek for Silverfinger’s “Murder” still not sure that guy is actually dead, by planting the money from the “weapon sale” in the Argent’s house; and (2) buries a metal chain in the ground near the school cross country field to distract Coach Crackhead, from the trip wire and poison-tipped arrow lying in wait for the comic relief character, right in the middle of the woods.
“Let me guess, this is another one of those times when you give me a present, I open it, and something falls on my head, right?”
“Not quite, Coach.”
“Sh*t, I knew I should have gone to Clown College instead of becoming a teacher!”
But hey, at least we got a little makeout time between Danny and Ethan, for all our troubles, right?
“The nogitsune is probably going to murder us all anyway, so we might as well have a little fun now, while we are still alive!”
Speaking of which, Danny, you ignorant slut? Aren’t you supposed to be back with your ex? What are you doing making out with your serial killing other ex?
Still playing “defense,” Scott absorbs a bleeding (and very whiny) Coach Crackhead’s pain, while Papa Argent and Derek become unlikely allies / co-defendants in a quest to find out the Real Reason they find themselves in handcuffs, while trapped at a police station.
“Is it at least a middle finger? Because it would be a heck of a lot funnier if a middle finger framed us for murder?”
“I’m the spark that lit your fire, sweetheart.”
Peter shamelessly hits on the still-underage Lydia, while Allison stands by for moral support (with a few weapons up her sleeve, just in case). Uncle Alpha informs Lydia that his bite is responsible for bringing out her banshee abilities, which he seems to know quite a bit about, for someone who spent most of season 2 decomposing in the dirt, like a very tall, recently stomped-on earthworm . . .
For example, Peter tells Lydia that the real gift of the banshee is not its scream, but its exceptional supernatural hearing ability. The scream merely blocks out other sounds to make hearing the dead more possible.
“Everybody stop talking, Can’t you see I’m trying to think?”
Of course, with Peter, there’s always a catch. And this one involves Lydia communing with the nasty fingernails extracted from Derek’s mom’s dead body, which apparently contain within them a memory Mama Hale extracted from Peter Hale’s scull before she died . . .
Meanwhile back at school . . .
“There’s a Bomb on the Bus”
Apparently, Nogitsu-Stiles planted a gift-wrapped bomb on a school bus and handed it to none-other than Puking Jared from the Motel California episode . . .
(Poor Puking Jared, for a kid with a chronic case of bus sickness, he sure seems to spend more time on a bus then any other character on this show.)
If only Keanu Reeves were here. He’d know what to do for sure!
Instead, we have that creepy deputy, who decides that moments before Puking Jared’s head is blown off is the perfect time to give him beauty secrets on how to keep youthful dewy skin, well past the ancient age of 24.
Umm . . . I think he was going to say “modest.” You look really “modest,” and not self-absorbed at all.
“Hey Pretty Green-Eyed Douchebag! You keep talking, and Puking Jared won’t have any skin left on his face to protect!”
Keanu Reeves would never make us listen to annoying shit like that, moments before we were supposed to die. Partly because Keanu Reeves is a cyborg incapable of emoting.
Fortunately, as it turns out, there isn’t actually a bomb on the bus. It’s nothing but a crafty ruse. A ruse that Nogitsu-Stiles put into motion to distract the Sheriff’s Department from the location of the Real Bomb . . .
“Hey look! Puking Jared bought you a new name placard for your office. Wasn’t that nice of him?”
We know this instinctively because this “Trojan Horse” is wrapped in blue ribbon, which Stiles, himself, has explained has no real purpose, apart from just being “pretty.”
Hint: it was planted in a box that was supposedly filled with “harmless batteries,” and brought to a place where Derek Hale and Papa Argent are currently under investigation for a murder they didn’t commit . . .
Where would you hide your deepest darkest secrets? Talia hid hers in her gross chopped off nails, which for some inexplicable reason revealed to Lydia that the werecoyote from The Secret Circle is actually Peter Hale’s daughter.
“Take that, bad manicure!”
Kira’s mom hid hers in a book . . . probably because most of the students at Beacon Hills High are functional illiterates. Though Kira may not have nine tails yet, her mother does . . . or at least she did, before Nogitsu-Stiles Firefly Fried five of them.
Since when do foxtails look like Shredder from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?
“Go Ninja, go ninja, GO!”
No wonder she keeps them locked away in a book. Having nine Shredders attached to your ass on a daily basis would hurt like a bitch!
Speaking of things that hurt like a bitch, this couldn’t have felt good for Derek or Papa Argent, who were almost exploded by Nogitsu-Stiles, but just barely escaped with their lives . . .
(By the way, I found it interesting that Derek was willing to risk his life to save the life of the guy who spent most of Season 1 trying to murder him. Does anyone else think that Derek’s magical dream talk with Talia involved her predicting his own untimely demise? Between offering sage advice to Scott, to risking his life for people he doesn’t like very much, Muscles McWolf sure seems like I guy whose just been given a Death Sentence?)
If only the same could be said for This Guy . . .
“Is it Friday yet?”
But hey, at least he got to get his arm fondled by Scott, before he Walked into the White Light . . .
There are worse ways to go, honestly . . .
It was a dark and stormy night . . .
In Beacon Hills it rains a bunch . . . the better to endure intense chase scenes where-in the firefly guys attempt to murder “Stiles” and his friends fight gamely to protect him.
But who are they REALLLLLY PROTECTING?
Inside the vet’s office, Nogitsu-Stiles reveals his true colors. And they are EVEEEEEEELLLLLL SEXY! He knocks out Kira, and digs the Oni sword deeper into his bestie’s tummy, as he monolgues about all the pain he manipulated Scott into sucking up that day . . . pain that could give the Nogitsune more power. (But how did Nogitsu-Stiles know about Scott sucking up Isaac’s pain, when he wasn’t there to witness it? Or was he . . . at least in spirit?)
Then, this happens, and I’m pretty sure it’s the closest Virginal Stiles has ever come to an honest-to-goodness orgasm caused by something other than his right hand. (Hey, even psychotic fox possession has its benefits, right?)
“Was it as good for you, as it was for me, Scott?”
“Virgin,schmirgin, you are so much better at this than Allison ever was!”
Talk about getting off on pain! That Nogitsu-Stiles is one sadomasochistic b*tch, isn’t he? That couple from 50 Shades of Grey has nothing on him!
But lest you worry too much about the safety our resident Hot Girl, Scott . . .
. . . help is on the way! The Fox is subdued, poisoned by the same green leafy weed we saw Deaton leach from the Yakuza’s yard less than 40 minutes prior?
“Enjoy some Japanese Ganja, Nogitsu-Stiles!”
“That’s some good sh*t!”
And all is safe and right in Beacon Hills? But for how long?
Next week on Teen Wolf, Nogitsu-Stiles winds up in the Loony Bin, which is precisely where Lydia predicted he’d be. He claims being locked up will keep the world safe from his trickster ass. But what if this mental institution, a possible former sight for a Japanese Internment camp is precisely where Nogitsu-Stiles wants to be? What if getting committed is nothing more than another Trojan Horse move from our crafty fox?
Until next time, Werebangers!