Weddings are the Worst – Game of Thrones “Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken” Recap

cover photo

WOW, George R.R. Martin must REALLY HATE marriage. (My apologies to his current wife, who I am sure is lovely.) Think about it. So far on GOT, we have had six weddings. One of them was red . . .

red wedding 1 red wedding 2

One of them was purple . . .

dead joff

One of them ended with the blushing bride taking a flying solo honeymoon out of a moon door.

dying lysa

Sansa’s first marriage to Tyrion Lannister, though filled with great booze, wasn’t exactly a joy to behold either.

The fact that GOT’s “best” wedding was a marriage that could almost literally be considered a cradle robbing says something about the author’s views on holy matrimony.

marg and tommen

This week, on Game of Thrones, the series’ war on weddings continues, when poor Sansa Stark experiences a wedding night so horrifying that, even if the producers didn’t thankfully fade to black after the first few seconds, most of us would have watched through our fingers anyway.

Also this week, Arya gets a promotion at Burgerless White Castle. Queen Margaery gets a major demotion. Bronn and Jamie play dress-up. And Tyrion and Jorah make some new friends with benefits, but, perhaps, not the kind of benefits they were hoping for.

Let’s review, shall we?

Two Truths and a Lie

When we last left the Artist Formerly Known as Arya Stark, she was scrubbing the naughty bits of some dead naked guy. When we meet up with her again, she’s still doing it. (He must have been REALLY dirty!)

arya washing

“What’s up with all the creepy corpse washing we do?” Arya asks her new frenemy and fellow scrubber of dead nudists. “Is there like a Dead People Beauty Pageant in Burgerless White Castle that I should know about?”

Arya’s coworker at Burgerless White Castle, the highly unpleaseant Frenemy, is so very unwilling to give up the details about the Corpse Top Model reality show going on behind the Secret Door, she slams said door in poor Arya’s face, when the youngest Stark sister tries to get a peek.

In an effort to distract Arya from what a thankless, sh*t job it is working for Burgerless White Castle, Frenemy then decides to play a game with her colleague, which reminds me a bit of the game Two Truths and a Lie. In the game, Frenemy tells Arya this sob story about how she came to be a creepy corpse washer at Burgerless White Castle (something about an evil stepfather, I think?), and Arya has to determine which parts of the story are true, and which are fake.

daughter of lord

“I have an androgynous haircut, just like you.”

(If this is what teenagers did for fun before the advent of technology, I can understand why the average life expectancy was so low. People were bored to death. Also, you know, murder, lack of modern medicine, poor nutrition and stuff. But mostly boredom.)

Later, Arya tries to play the same “fun” game with Jagen Hager, only this time, she’s the one telling the origin story, not Frenemy. Jagen, being Jagen, “generously” tries to make the game a bit more exciting and “high stakes” by punching Arya in the face whenever she lies, which is kind of rude, to be honest. Geez, Jagen! At least when the people who work at Burger-FULL White Castle get abused at work, they get free(or at least deeply discounted) bullet-hole ridden meat patties out of it. Arya gets bupkiss for her troubles! Just the opportunity to wash more smelly dead people. It’s not exactly a winning corporate bonus structure. (And for sure, Burgerless White Castle doesn’t offer a dental plan. Have you seen Jagen’s teeth?)

stupid game 1 stupid game 2

Given Jagen’s interpretation of Two Truths and a Lie, I’d be really frightened to see his take on other childhood classic games like Duck Duck Goose, Pin the Tail on the Donkey, and Simon Says. Something tells me his versions of those games involve regular and frequent ass kickings for Goose, the Donkey, and the person who didn’t listen to Simon’s instructions, respectively. Also they probably involve people talking like Yoda from Star Wars, because Jagen does that all the time. And I used to find it cool. But now I think it’s super annoying.

dancing yoda

Still love Yoda though. Best dancer ever!

Later that day, Some Random Dad arrives at Burgerless White Castle with his dying daughter, and orders a cheeseburger with a side of fries. Just kidding, he orders the prompt death of his Terminal Disease Kid. “Would you like that homicide supersized, sir?” Arya inquires.

“Nah, just your standard mercy killing with a side of ketchup should be fine,” replies Some Random Dad.

Arya expertly murders Some Random Dad’s dying kid by claiming that, if she drinks the Instant Death Water from the Burgerless White Castle Fountain, it will heal all her pain. (She must really want to wash this girl’s corpse!) The young girl does as instructed.

dying girl

“Dad wanted me to die at McDonalds instead, but I insisted on coming here after seeing the Harold and Kumar movie. That sh*t was awesome.”

Jagen is thrilled. (Such a Sadist, Jagen is!) So thrilled, in fact, that Arya gets to walk behind the Secret Door of Really Clean Corpses as her reward. Hooray!

Since I guess Braavos Next Top Corpse Model is on hiatus, all that Arya finds behind the door are a bunch of candles and some scary face masks, which may actually be real faces. How very Texas Chainsaw Massacre! While admiring one such face, Jagen tells Arya, that, even though she isn’t quite cool enough yet to be “no one,” she is currently cool enough to become someone else other than herself.

touching face touching 2

I hear the role of Donald Draper has recently become available, Arya . . .

Never Trust a Guy Whose Name is a Variation of Pinky

Meanwhile, over in Kings Landing, Littlefinger breaks the news to Cersei that (1) Sansa Stark is alive and well in Winterfell and set to marry that freak of nature, Ramsey Bolton; and (2) Stannis and his army are marching to Winterfell to murder the Boltons and take Winterfell for themselves. Two situations, which, coincidentally, Littlefinger has orchestrated himself.

littlefinger

But because playing god with three quarters of the cast of Game of Thrones is not nearly enough for this meddlesome Hand-y Man, Littlefinger makes Cersei an offer she can’t refuse. It involves Littlefinger sending his own army from the Vail to fight on behalf of the Lannisters, and taking Winterfell from whoever isn’t left dead of Roose and Stannis once they are done fighting. (Did YOU know Littlefinger had his own army? I didn’t know that.) In return, Littlefinger only asks that Cersei name him Warden of the North.

So to recap, Littlefinger has told Sansa that she will be Warden of the North, told Roose and Stannis each that they will be Warden of the North, and told Cersei that he will be warden of the North.

Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?

Speaking of shady . . .

The Trials and Tribulations of the Tyrells

smell shit smell shit 2

Olenna Tyrell arrives in Kings Landing to throw some customary shade Cersei’s way, in hopes that she’ll shame Cersei for imprisoning Loras based on (1) his homosexuality, and (2) the fact that Loras doesn’t want to get into Cersei’s pants as much as her own brother does. “Everyone on this show who hasn’t already been brutally murdered, is pretty much gay,” Olena explains matter-of-factly to her granddaughter before entering into her verbal smackdown with the Queen Mother. “If the religious nutsos put all the gay people on this show in jail, GOT would become Orange is the New Black, basically.”

oint

Unfortunately, it’s Cersei who has the last laugh, this time around. After waiting patiently while Loras admits under oath to Old Dirty Poo Smelling New Pope that he never “lied down” with another man, and Margaery swears to the truth of his statements, Loras’ erstwhile squire calls them both out as liars. He even goes as far as to describe a birthmark on Loras’ inner thigh, and to accuse Margaery of walking in on the couple in flagrante and not batting an eyelash. (Which, as we know, she most definitely did, in a way that was totally awesome, and most certainly did not deserve to be punished.) Margaery should only be punished for being the Most Popular Pedophile on the Show and nothing more. Because, aside from the whole pedophile thing, she’s positively lovely.

the trial

Boo Cersei! You are the worst! (Well, actually Ramsey is the worst. And Joffrey was the second worst. But you are a very close third.)

As both Margaery and Loras are dragged off to jail, Margaery calls to her prepubescent hubby, Tommen, for help. But he just stares off into space blankly, undoubtedly dreaming of all the pussy he’s going to get to play with now that his wife is no longer sharing his bed. I’m talking about his kittens, obviously. What did you think I was talking about?

tommen with cat

Fun with Sand Snakes

Over in Dorne, Doran Martell hasn’t moved from his chair for about four weeks now (not even to go potty). I’m beginning to think he might have no legs. Book readers, is this true?

doran mart

Meanwhile, young lovebirds, Myrcella Lannister and Trystane Martell ,are playing some serious tonsil hockey, and are super excited about their impending nuptials. It’s nice to know that some romance exists on this show that’s actually age appropriate, AND isn’t between two people who share DNA.

myrcella make out playing dress up

Speaking of romance, enter Jamie and Bronn, with their new groovy threads and super cool black stallions, to come rescue Myrcella from super sexy Spring Break Vacation Dorne, and return her to her rightful home in Smells Like Shit Kings Landing. Little Lannister Myrcella is understandably miffed by this idea.

Then, the Sand Snakes come to fight with Jamie and Bronn so THEY can kidnap Myrcella, except what they do looks must less like fighting and more like the cheesy line dancing you did at your cousin’s wedding last year.

fighting bronn something stupid

Then Doran’s henchman, whose voice sounds eerily similar to James Earl Jones, rounds them all up and arrests them.

Because that’s just what this season needs, more characters in jail. Also, more cowbell . . .

more cowbell

Everything is better with cowbell.

In Which We Learn a Not-So-Little Dwarf Anatomy Lesson

Outside Valyria, Jorah and Tyrion get captured by a bunch of guys who think Tyrion’s weiner has magical powers, which is pretty much the most awesome compliment you could give Tyrion, when you think about it. (Maybe it’s like the hair on those troll dolls, where if you rub it enough, it brings you good luck. Though, admittedly, this trick most certainly did not work for Shea.)

game over

“Should have gone with the four-leaf clover instead.”

The guys want to cut off Tyrion’s magical weiner, and carry it around like a lucky charm or rabbit’s foot, maybe even sell it for some serious cash. But Tyrion wisely explains to the men that his weiner is only worth something if people know it comes from a dwarf.

“We just assumed your Johnson was adorably, pint-sized like you,” says one of the guys.

“Actually, you should never judge a dwarf by the size of his dong . . . unless that dwarf is me, because my dong is massive,” Tyrion explains. “And I am awesome.”

Wait to go, Peter Dinklage! It’s not every day a male actor gets to admit to the television-watching world that he’s well endowed!

dancing ty

Anywhoo, Tyrion wisely convinces his would-be captors to keep his man bits intact, and not kill him and/or Jorah, by informing them that Jorah is a spectacular fighter. This gains Tyrion and Jorah passage to Mereen where they can battle in Dany’s recently-reopened fighting pits for cash and for the Mother of Dragon’s love, of course!

Well, Jorah will fight for cash and Dany’s love. Tyrion will just walk around town waving around his Magical Huge Cock.

Do you take this Psychopath to Be Your Lawfully Wedded Husband?

the wedding

Wedding bells are ringing in the North, as Sansa suffers the indignity of being bathed by that bitch, Myrcella in preparation for her marriage to awful Ramsey. “Did you know that I help Ramsey kill all his former lovers, after he gets tired of porking them?” Myrcella notes conversationally.

“Wow, grow some self-respect, girlfriend. It’s clear your boyfriend is just not that into you, if he makes you wait around while he occasionally sticks his hot dog into others,” retorts naked Sansa.

sausage player

It’s not even a nice looking hot dog. Kind of crooked, if you ask me.

It takes real balls to win a verbal smack down while in your birthday suit. And Sansa is going to need those balls for what’s about to happen next.

Dressed in her wedding finery, Sansa hears a knock at her door. It’s Theon / Reek ready and waiting to take her to her doom, er, I mean wedded bliss.

It’s fitting that the wedding takes place in the dark of night, and looks more like a funeral / ritual sacrifice than a happy occasion.

death march

run

After the wedding, Sansa meets Super Scary Ramsey in his bedroom for her first official deflowering. (Too bad she doesn’t have Tyrion’s magical cock with her. It would come in extremely handy at a time like this.)

fallen angel

Ramsey, being a sadistic bastard, forces Theon/Reek to watch, as he savagely rips the back of Sansa’s dress, and violently enters her from the rear repeatedly. Her cries of anguish can be heard throughout the room, as the screen fades to black.

crying theon

crying sansa

Unfortunately, there will be no mercy for Poor Sansa. At least not right now . . .

But if Joffrey’s death was any indication, something tells me the inevitable murder of Ramsey Bolton will be both absolutely disgusting and glorious to behold. No one messes with Darth Sansa Stark and lives to tell the tale.

Until next time . . .

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Battle Scars – A Recap of Game of Thrones’ “Kill the Boy”

finished battle

*wishes he invested in a better pair of gloves*

War wounds . . . we all have them. Even the luckiest among us, won’t make it to adulthood without earning a few. Some are visible, like childhood skinned knees that inevitably lead to lifelong scars, black eyes, bruised cheeks, that scaly makeup they’ve been putting on Shireen’s face, and, more recently, Jorah’s arm, not to mention whatever the f*&k happened to that poor dude in Mereen burned in half by Dany’s dragons this week . . .

shireen

Other wounds are less visible, but no less painful. They fester beneath the surface, subtly coloring our every word and gesture, preventing us from trusting and loving too easily, shielding us from a life lived to its fullest, out of fear that we might be hurt again . . .These are the kind of wounds that turn the once brazen and cocky Theon Greyjoy into the pitiful, stinky, silent and sexless Reek . . . and innocent sheltered Sansa Stark into Darth Sansa, the kind of girl who would willingly stick her tongue down middle aged creepy Littlefinger’s throat and like it.

This week on Game of Thrones, Dany feeds her dragon kids a gourmet lunch. Greyworm lives to be ball-less another day. Jon Snow grows a pair. Sansa comes to terms with just how badly her life sucks. Tyrion grudgingly acknowledges the perks of being held hostage.

no wine sad tyrion

And everyone gets covered in battle scars, some more visible than others . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

In which Dany’s Dragons Learn to Share, and Wish Their Mom a Happy Mother’s Day . . .

While a concerned, but relieved, Missandei hovers precariously over a wounded, but still living, Greyworm’s bedside, Dany and Daario stonily mourn Ser Barristan’s corpse, which, thankfully, doesn’t have those creepy googly eyes on top of it, like they put on all the dead bodies in Kings Landing. So tacky! But Dany doesn’t seem so much sad, as she does SUPER PISSED OFF!

Dany-heart

“I will cut a bitch.”

“I feel like scaring the sh*t out of some rich people,” says Dany. “Round up all the heads of Mereen’s wealthiest familes, so I can dangle them in front of my dragon kid’s faces, and make them soil their golden tighty whities.”

“But I’m filthy rich, and have golden tighty whities,” whines Hizdahr, a.k.a the guy whose talked about nothing but reopening the fighting pits ad nauseum, since episode 1. BOO-RING!

“Then, I hope you didn’t eat a big lunch,” remarks Dany, blithely, as her guards seize his smug ass.

Shortly, thereafter, Dany’s collection of rich assholes is assembled around her in the dragon pits.

unhappy rich men

“A good mother never gives up on her children,” speechifies Dany, as the quivering, quaking mass of rich folk hover precariously near Dany’s patiently waiting sort-of progeny, wondering which one of them is about to become dragon kibble.

dont_wake_the_dragon

SPOILER ALERT: It’s the fat bald guy!

burn dude

Extra cookies for all who called it.

Daario pushes the poor unfortunate soul into the pit, where Dany’s dragons promptly steam fry him, and expertly carve his body in half, so they each can get a meal. If you ignore the whole gross burning body thing, it’s actually kind of adorable.

watches

“All men must die,” remarks Hizdahr, feigning bravery, despite the fact that he is now wearing poopy pants.

“Yeah, but not today,” offers Dany blithely. “My dragons have already had a large fat bald man for a meal. And I don’t want them to get chunky. Because nothing is worse than having chunky dragon kids. Maybe tomorrow.”

Message sent and received, Dany. Mess with the Queen, and end up the expertly carved-up Lean Cuisine for two svelte dragons . . .

In which we hear the episode title . . .

kill the boy

Back at the wall, Samwell is reading to Maester Aemon news of his relative Dany. It’s boring news that fails to mention her making rich men sh*t themselves by feeding a fat baldie to her dragon kids. Talk about burying the lead! Apparently, there is no TMZ in Westeros . . .

Jon pops by to get advice from the Maester on a decision he’s about to make, that’s going to make him super unpopular with the rest of the Knights Watch, who used to like him a lot, because he’s really ridiculously good looking.

jon snow speeching

“I also have spectacular hair.”

“Kill the boy, and let the man be born,” explains Maester, winking at the camera, in the way people do, when they’ve just given out a slogan they know will become popular, like “Trix are for kids,” “Campbell Soup is Mmm Mmm Good,” and “WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS?!”

Emboldened by having just murdered his inner Toys R’ Us Kid, Jon approaches Ginger Tormund about forming an alliance between the Watchers on the Wall and the Wildlings to fight against those creepy white walkers that zombify babies for sh*ts and giggles. “We can offer your Wildling Folk shelter for your women and children, a fleet for your travels, and the right not to end up a creepy baby zombie, if you fight by our side.”

“I’ll get my people to join forces with you,” relents Tormund, “But only if you travel with me to visit them, because you are so damn sexy.”

“Curse my good looks,” mutters Jon Snow, but he ultimately agrees.

At the Wall Watchers meeting, everyone thinks Jon’s idea of allying with those smelly wildlings sucks, except, of course, for Samwell, because Samwell likes everything Jon says and does. As everyone yells at Jon Snow, Stannis mutteringly corrects all the Wall Watchers’ bad grammar, proving himself to be the nerdiest contender for the Iron Throne ever!

less enemies fewer

Jon Snow has a harder time justifying his decision to his apprentice, young Olly, whose entire family has been butchered by Wildlings. “You know nothing, Jon Snow,” says Olly, more or less. “Also, you suck and I hate you now.”

It’s always lonely at the top, isn’t it Jon Snow? Especially, when you’ve murdered your inner child, just because some old guy told you to do so . . .

And Jon Snow’s lonely days are about to get even lonelier, especially now that his surprise bromantic buddy Stannis Baratheon finally ships off with his men toward Winterfell . . .

sad snow

With Friends Like These . . .

Speaking of Winterfell, Darth Sansa’s friendly wash basin lady reminds her that she still has friends in the North, and that if she lights a candle at the top of the highest tower, they will come and kick some Evil Bolton ass on her behalf.

sausage player

Sorry ladies, he’s taken!

Speaking of Evil Bolton ass, Ramsey is naked and porking the kennelmaster’s daughter, Myranda, who is clearly psychotic JUST LIKE HIM! She whines that Ramsey will be marrying Darth Sansa and not her. When Ramsey accuses her of being jealous and boring, she attempts to prove that she isn’t either by biting a large chunk out of Ramsey’s lip. So sweet! Clearly, these two are a match made in smelly flayed body heaven.

bitten ramsey

Further wishing to metaphorically pee on Ramsey’s leg, so Darth Sansa knows that hot psycho piece of man meat is taken, whether or not she becomes his wife, Myranda finds Sansa on the grounds and passive aggressively Regina George’s her by complimenting her dress in a way that is clearly not sincere. Then, Myranda takes Sansa into her crazy Cujo dog kennel, it is there that Darth Sansa reunites with the artist formerly known as Theon Greyjoy, aka the guy she thinks killed her brothers Rickon and Bran.

sansa and myr

ugliest eff

Darth Sansa is understandably shocked by Theon (now Reek’s) disheveled appearance, obvious brain damage, nauseating scent, and the fact that he literally lies down with dogs. The look on her face when she sees him is one of pity and disgust, mixed in with anger.

watches sansa

“This is so not cute.”

Needless to say, Darth Sansa is having a really shitty day. And it’s about to get much worse. Because, she’s about to have dinner with her new family . . .

Meet the Boltons

sansa and ramsey

You know it’s a bad dinner party when the happiest person at the table is the dead pig you are about to eat.

“It must be strange for you, being here,” Walda Frey, Roose Bolton’s wife offers conversationally to Darth Sansa as the new family sit down for dinner.

“It’s not strange, this is my home,” corrects Darth Sansa. “It’s the people that are strange.”

Bam! Touche! Sansa.

Ramsey, the guy who flays men and cuts off balls for a hobby, and considers getting his lip chewed off by a woman foreplay, really doesn’t like being called strange, so he brings Theon/Reek to stink up the table and traumatize poor Sansa. (Whoever thought Sansa would come to miss the days of being married to that Little Sh*t Joffrey.) Ramsey forces “Reek” to apologize to Sansa for “killing her brothers,” then invites the guy to give her away at the wedding as her “closest living relative.”

lovely evening

Because nothing says familial bonding like the fake flaying of your baby brothers.

Even for the detestable Roose Bolton, Ramsey’s treatment of Sansa seems a bit grotesque. So, the father lashes back out, announcing proudly that Walda is pregnant with his legitimate son. Ouch! First Ramsey got his lip chewed off, now there goes his balls. It’s a painful day for everyone involved.

have baby

Later, Roose waxes poetically to Ramsey about the fond memories he has of raping Ramsey’s peasant mother, after killing her husband. “When this woman came to my door with a baby, I was going to throw you in the river, because, let’s be honest, most babies are complete garbage, but I took one look at your Crazy Eyes and knew you were my son.”

ramsey and roose

Eat your heart out, Stannis and Shireen Baratheon! Two can play at the Father’s Day Hallmark card game.

Roose follows up this romantic and inspirational story with a confession to his son. He knows that Stannis is marching toward the Iron Throne and wishes to take the North on his way. “Help me keep the North, by brutally murdering as many people as possible, and hanging their flayed bodies around our house for decoration, and I promise to love you more than the new garbage baby,” Roose offers gallantly.

If I were Darth Sansa, I’d be lighting those “Help Me” candles at the watchtower right about now . . .

A Match Made in Poopy Pants

Having literally scared the rich people of Mereen shitless by feeding one of them to her kids, Dany begins to take steps to solidify her rule in a more reasoned way. She visits a truly petrified Hizdahr in the dungeons to inform him of the good news. It turns out, she’s decided to reopen the fighting pits after all, but only to “free men.” (Considering everybody in Mereen is technically free now, it isn’t really much of a compromise, but details . . .)

Hizdahr-zo-Loraq-S4-EP-03

“Does this make me Father of Dragons? Is that even biologically possible?”

Also, she’s going to marry Hizdahr. Because nothing says romantic proposal like visiting someone in prison and saying “Marry me, or I’ll have your body torn apart limb from limb by a pair of dragons on a strict calorie restricted diet.”

Jorah Gets a Bitchin Tattoo

on the boat

“Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily, merrily merrily, life is but a disfiguring disease.”

Riding toward the lost city of Valyria, which admittedly pretty gorgeous, with its dazzling ruins, green grasses, and crystal clear waters, Jorah and Tyrion experience their first ever bonding moment post-kidnapping, despite the fact that Tyrion is woefully sober during it. They even recite a poem about Valyria together. Between this, Stannis’ grammatical corrections at the Wall meeting, and Samwell Tarley getting all hot and bothered over books earlier in the episode, this may very well be the nerdiest episode of GOT ever!

reading is fundamental

more you know

We interrupt this dramatic poetry reading and scenic tour of someplace pretty in New Zealand to bring you, DROGON THE DRAGON!

Drogon dragon

tyrion watches

surprised monkey

ALSO A GREYSCALE-AFFLICTED STONE MAN ZOMBIE!

fighting stone man

scared baby gif

Ladies and gentlemen, things have just taken a turn for the weird.

Jorah battles the Crazed Stone man, trying hard not to touch him, because, apparently, Greyscale gets transmitted like cooties. Meanwhile, Tyrion jumps off the side of the boat, his hands still tied together. Ultimately Jorah defeats Old Stoney and rescues Tyrion from drowning, YAY!

dancing ty

But he somehow manages to get Greyscale Cooties in the process. Boo!

greyscale gross

“I was going to get an ‘I heart Dany’ tattoo, but I guess this works too.”

Poor Jorah! All the guy wants to do is win a date with the Mother of Dragons, and he gets a deadly, disfiguring, mind ravaging disease for his troubles. He should have stuck with Westeros Match.com . . .

And that was “Kill the Boy” in a nutshell. Until next time, my friends!

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Lord of the Assholes – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s Season 4B Finale “Operation Mongoose, Parts 1 and 2″

punch author

This week on Once Upon a Time’s dramatic two-part season finale, the Author proved himself to be the crappiest alt-world fanfiction writer ever. Snow White got a new, even worse haircut. (Yes, it is possible!) A few people died, then un-died. A long-awaited “I love you” was exchanged. Old Dirty Homeless-Looking Mickey remained Old, Dirty and Homeless-Looking, then died and stayed dead. And Storybrooke got both a new Author and a brand new Lord Assholes to rule over the other Assholes, both of whom are most likely exactly who you expected them to be based on watching previews of this episode . . .

heroes and villains

And so without further adieu, for the last time this season, shall we review?

In Which The Author’s Crappy Origins Are Finally Revealed

author as salesman

If you are unhappy with any of the recent plot points of Once, please feel free to blame the shoddy hiring process that was utilized to pick the person who wrote the story. (The real-life writers and producers of this show couldn’t possibly have been more self-deprecating in establishing this particular story arc.) Apparently, the job of writing the “book of life” for the characters in “the greatest fairytale ever told” goes to the failed TV Salesman who chooses the coolest pen from a table full of otherwise really forgettable pens. (I’m pretty sure I even saw a Bic in that group.)

pens

It’s like one of those personality quizzes you take online, except much, much lamer . . .

“The previous author died about ten minutes ago, and we need to fill the position, ASAP. So, we don’t have time to do smart things like call your references, or ask you questions about your job experience, or do a criminal background check, or make sure you know how to read,” explains Old Dirty Homeless-Looking Mickey to future Author Isaac.

whats this

(In a clever nod to Disney verse, Isaac’s flashback actually took place in 1966, the year of Walt Disney’s death . . . thus confirming our suspicions that the man who created Disney World and Mickey Mouse has excellent taste in pens.)

“Look, there’s a magical door. Go play god for the rest of eternity,” offers Old Dirty Homeless-Looking Mickey carelessly, which kind of makes you wonder how he got his job.

Perhaps he had to pick the grossest beard from a table of otherwise forgettable examples of facial hair . . .

Sorcerers_Apprentice

EMIT A NOPU ECNO (That’s Once Upon a Time backwards, FYI)

If you want to venture a guess at the quality of the alt-world fanfiction Author Isaac writes at dying Rumpel’s behest, you may wish to consider the fact that he seemingly wrote the entire thing in about an hour tops. “Finish that book in T-minus ten seconds, or my prunelike black heart will turn to dust and I will become the Biggest Asshole this world has ever known. Also, there will be an Apocalypse. But no rush. Please, by all means, take your time determining the fate of all humanity,” Rumpel gently prods.

ouat 4.3 rumpel

Author Isaac barely has time to spell check, let alone storyboard a cohesive plot. So he does what most of us would do in this sort of life-or-death situation. He cuts corners. He plagiarizes himself a bit. A “story where villains get their happy ending” becomes a “story where certain characters Freaky Friday one another and the good guys still win, except for the fact that the good guys in this story look exactly like the assholes from the other story he wrote.”

bobs big snow

“It’s like looking in a mirror . . . a funhouse mirror that makes you look like you have a really bad haircut.”

It’s all very confusing, and yet oddly familiar. Also, the Author writes himself his own happy ending in which he’s a bestselling author in the real world, most likely by writing the world population into mindless illiterates who have terrible taste in pens . . .

But Evil Author Isaac didn’t count on one thing . . . a boy with the power to screw up all his plans, ruin his day, and expose his book for the middle school grade piece of fanfiction it actually is . . . a boy who has positively no friends his own age, has weird codependency issues with his mothers, and has nothing but free time. He’s Norman Bates from Psycho basically, a.k.a., at least in this world, Henry.

henry alone

Thinking fast, Henry decides to jump into Evil Author Isaac’s crappy book to save his family, much like the character in that 80s music video with the bad pencil drawings and the inexplicable car races . . .

You can check out the rest of this recap HERE.

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Mother EFFER! – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “Mother”

reunino

Just in time for Mother’s Day, Once has gone and delivered us an hour filled with mother/daughter reunions, mother/daughter reconciliations, mother/daughter bonding sessions, and a fire-breathing dragon who burns people’s faces off . . . You know, the usual . . .

After all, there’s nothing more universal than mothers. Everybody has one. Even if you were hatched out of an egg and thrown into a time portal with an extra infusion of someone else’s asshole inside of you.

So sit back, get comfy, and let’s review. Why? Because I said so! And I’m your mother . . . but not really . . .

Because Even Sociopathic Psycho Moms Enjoy Meddling in Their Daughters’ Love Lives

looking for a man

Back in Fairytale Land, Evil Queen Regina is super cranky. It’s the anniversary of her beloved stable boy’s murder by her mother. And to make matters worse, some jerks had the nerve to get married on her property. You know, because the whole kingdom is her property, basically, her being queen and all.

regina annoyed

“Next time book the church,” the Evil Queen advises, after crushing the groom’s heart with her fingertips, stalking back to her coach, and driving away, leaving her father to hitch a ride home with the folks whose son she just murdered.

the father

“On the bright side, think of all the money you saved paying for a honeymoon!”

Awk-ward!

Every mother instinctively knows when her child needs her most, and Awful Cora is no exception. “You know what you need?” Cora offers. “A man . . . you know . . . to replace the other one . . . that I killed.”

You see, Cora knows all about Regina’s dalliance with Tinkerbell and the whole “your soulmate has a lion tattoo on his wrist” thing. And because even the worst mothers want nothing more than to see their little girls settled down with a nice hunk of man meat, Mama Cora puts on her matchmaking hat and sets herself on the case.

Because Tinder wasn’t invented yet, Cora decides to pimp out her daughter in the next best place . . . a bar. She quickly comes across the Sheriff of Nottingham, who, as we know from previous episodes, is obviously a total tool. But to Cora’s credit, he is also kind of hot . . . so hot, in fact, that if he never opened his mouth, he might actually turn out to be someone’s dream man.

shirtless sheriff

If only men came equipped with mute buttons . . .

Cora asks the Sheriff about the Man with the Lion Tattoo, and the latter admits that the guy is kind of a wuss who, like, has morals and stuff. Bo-ring!

“I may be closer to finding what I’m looking for than I thought,” Cora purrs seductively to the Sheriff, in a way that makes me wonder if she’s taken a break from matchmaking for her daughter and decided to try a little of her pimp gifts on herself.

Later that night, Cora zaps Regina into the poofiest, least Evil Queen-like dress I’ve ever seen and tells her she’s found Regina’s soulmate, the Man with the Lion Tattoo. “Mom, I never thought I would say this, but you rock!” Regina exclaims. “I totally forgive you for the whole ‘brutally murdering my boyfriend’ thing.”

reg and cor

Regina meets “the Man with the Lion Tattoo” except it’s the Sheriff of Nottingham with a faux sticker tattoo on his wrist. Having never seen the face of the Man with the Lion Tattoo, Regina is initially thrilled; after all, like I said, the Sheriff of Nottingham is hot. But then he has to go and open his mouth, and everything goes to crap.

“You are such a douchebag,” says Regina. “And I’m, by far, the coolest person on this show. There is no way that you can be my soulmate.”

“Ouch, does this mean I can’t f*ck your mother behind your back on our wedding night? Because, FYI, I totally would have done that.”

“I bet that isn’t even a real tattoo,” Regina argues.

Robins-lion-tattoo-3x15-Quiet-Minds

“Why, because no two people can have the same tattoo?” Sheriff argues. “I mean, come on, a lion . . . kind of generic, don’t you think?”

Then Regina does this cool thing where she makes the Sheriff’s fake tattoo come to life, crawl up the Sheriff’s arm, and then proceed to chew it off. It’s awesome, like an evil tattoo pet!

“Hey, hey! Don’t get mad at me,” the Sheriff exclaims, as Lion Tatt chews into his pectorals. “It was your mom’s idea. She wanted to get you knocked up fast because, let’s face it, you aren’t getting any younger. I mean, I get that you are supposed to be playing like an 18-20 year old in this scene, but you aren’t fooling anybody.”

Regina responds by hanging the Sheriff by his ankles over the pits of hell. Way to mutilate the messenger, Regina.

Convinced that her mother was trying to get her preggers just so she could murder Regina and use her heir as her claim to the throne, Regina lashes out at her mother by drinking a potion so that she can never have children.

“Wow, overreact much?” Cora muses, when she finds out. “I didn’t want to kill you; I just wanted to get you knocked up because babies’ are awesome and your baby with that hot sheriff would be a totally sexy baby. And, yeah, I get that being married to a douchebag isn’t ideal, but we are magical, honey. We could have put a spell on him so he’d never be able to talk.”

no moe baby

“Anyone got any alka seltzer?”

“Oops,” replies Regina, clutching her now-forever barren belly.

“It turns out, your worst enemy is yourself,” Cora informs her bereft daughter. “Might I suggest getting a puppy?”

Meanwhile, back in Present Day . . .

You can check out the rest of this recap HERE.

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Population Control – A Recap of Game of Thrones’ “Sons of the Harpy”

obi wan

The Game of Thrones is a bloody one. There are no elections in Westeros. So, if you want to hold office, there’s a good chance you are going to be holding it over someone’s dead body . . . multiple someones, more likely than not.

For those of you who complained, “This season of GOT is not nearly bloody enough. I mean, sure, we had the obligatory Big Death at the end of each episode, Burning Mance in episode 1, headless Dany follower in episode 2, headless Janus at the end of episode 3 . . . that old guy at White Castle the House of Black and White. But I want some serious carnage. The sound of swords searing through flesh . . . rotting, fetid corpses in other places apart from the Bolton’s house, where they are merely decoration . . . a mountain of dead red shirts and extras, whose names we will never learn,” this, my friends, was the episode for you.

Let’s begin the body count, shall we?

She’s Just Not That Into You

Jorah-Mormont-house-targaryen-24524217-800-450just not

Poor Jorah. He truly believes that kidnapping Tyrion Lannister and hijacking a ship to Mereen is going to get him out of the dog house and into the pants of the Mother of Dragons. Clearly, he hasn’t been watching Game of Thrones this season, and, therefore has no clue about This Guy   . . .

daario

Hate to break it to you, Jorah, but a dumpy boat, and a humorous dwarf have nothing on washboard abs and a smug hipster in his sexual prime . . .

Speaking of boats   . . .

It Has To Be Me . . .

If Bronn is to be believed, the Dornish people currently holding Cersei’s only female incestuous love child with Jamie, are a bunch of nymphomaniacs with anger management issues and spectacular tans.

fuck and fight

“No offense, but sailing to Dorne on a merchant ship and rescuing your “niece” doesn’t really seem like a suitable job for a one armed pretty boy like yourself,” Bronn muses. “Why don’t you, I don’t know, pay for an army with your ridiculous wealth and power or something.”

“I’ve conceived three abominations with Cersei, and only one turned out to be a total sociopath / possible spawn of Satan,” Jamie explains. “I am grateful to the gods for this stroke of luck, which I may deserve a little bit, because I’m occasionally nice to Brienne and Tyrion. The least I can do is rescue my illegitimate, incestuous, but fortunately not three-headed, child from a life of beach blanket whoredom in Dorne, a.k.a. the Cancun of Westeros.”

“Spring BREEEEEAAAAK,” exclaims Bronn triumphantly, in a voice that sounds suspiciously like James Franco in that Harmony Korine movie with all the naked Disney stars . . .

Religious Cults are the Worst

sinners equal

After sending any potential dissenters in young King Tommen’s council on paid vacation, Cersei visits the kindly old poo-smelling man she made pope in last week’s episode, and gives him an army to beat the sh*t out of everybody basically.   The new High Sparrow’s “Faith Militant,” i.e. crazy cultists with creepy head tattoos like Charles Manson, led by Cersei’s cousin and former bedmate, dumb-but-hot Lancel,promptly proceed to break into Littlefinger’s brothel, assault and murder a few sex starved old guys and prostitutes, and later imprison, Sir Loras a.k.a the Knight of Flowers, a.k.a Renly’s former adoring boy toy, a.k.a. Queen Margaery’s scamp brother, for being a homosexual.

tough marg

Lovely Pedophile Margaery promptly appeals to her prepubescent husband to ameliorate her brother’s dire situation. “Tell your bitch of a mother to let my brother out of sex prison,” she demands. “Or you won’t get laid again until you are old enough to get a driver’s license in America.”

“But that’s seven years away,” whines Baby King Tommen. “17 is so old! Almost legal!”

“Well, you better get to work then, Little Blue Balls,” demands Margaery.”

blue balls

“Mother,” Tommen later demands. “I insist that you release Gay Loras from prison, so that I can continue to be regularly statutorily raped by my wife, Lovely Pedophile Margaery.”

“No can do,” relents Cersei. “But maybe our new Smells Like Poo Pope can save your disturbing sex life for you. Why don’t you ask him yourself? You are king, after all, even if you still suck your thumb and occasionally wet the bed.”

Tommen obediently attempts to visit new Smells Like Poo Pope, but is blocked by his creepy cultists, who insist he is praying and cannot be disturbed.   “You could kill his minions and take Smells Like Poo Pope by force,” offers one of Tommen’s guards. “It’s WTLSDJWD”,

“Huh?” Tommen asks incredulously.

“It’s What that Little Shit Dead Joffrey Would Do,” the guard answers matter-of-factly.

joff 2

King Tommen considers this briefly, but quickly finds himself distracted by all the townspeople calling him an incest baby, and has to leave quickly. “I’d totally murder you, but I’m long overdue for a breastfeeding by mommy, TTYL,” offers Tommen politely, as he excuses himself.

“Sex denied,” Margaery proclaims later that night, when Tommen gives her the bad news about Loras’ indefinite incarceration. “You can use your hand tonight.”

Tommen sighs sadly, then quickly extends his arm to pet and fondle all the furry pussies in his life that don’ t belong to his inappropriately-aged wife. It’s still a lot of pussy, just saying . . .

tommen with cat

In Which Everybody Loves Jon Snow (Except, perhaps, for the guy he decapitated last week)

Back on the wall, Jon Snow is teaching his men, how to fight, and Stannis is watching him adoringly from above. (Methinks someone has a Man Crush!)

Apparently, Stannis’ wife thinks so too, because she pops by to passive aggressively gripe and complain to Stannis about his thinly concealed warm fuzzies for Ned Stark’s bastard kiddie. “Gee Stannis, I’m so sorry I birthed you a girl with scar makeup on her face, instead of a strapping young hunk of man meat, like Jon, or an evil shadow baby that murdered your awesome brother like Melisandrei.”

Hey, did you guys ever notice that Stannis’ wife is kind of the worst? I mean, I’m not one to at all condone adultery, and certainly not with creepy Melisandrei, who may very well be Satan in disguise. But if anyone has the right to feel a wee bit dissatisfied with his marriage, it’s this guy.

stannis and grumpy cat

Speaking of Evil Melisandrei, she magically appears to remind Stannis to take her into battle at Winterfell with him, because, one never knows when they might need a woman who produces black shadows from inside her lady parts to vanquish one’s enemies.

Later on in the day, Jon Snow learns that, while the best part of being a commander is being able to sit at the big kids table at meetings, and occasionally decapitate rude baldies, the worst part is most definitely the paper work. Fortunately, Samwell Tarley is a kickass executive assistant. He puts the papers in front of Jon, and all the latter has to do is sign them.

“What is all this crap?” Jon inquires, as his signing hand starts to cramp up.

“You see Jon, over the past few seasons, we’ve murdered a lot of red shirt wall watchers in various battles,” explains Sam. “And just last week, you cut off the head of a bald one. And most people can’t fight without a head. So, these letters beg all the folks from the neighboring towns to send us more extras, who we can then murder and decapitate as we wish! It’s like an open casting call!”

like a wizard

“I hate that you are making me send a letter to Roose Bolton. He murdered my entire family, and his kid is a psychotic. Clearly, any extras he sends me will be demons from hell,” Jon grouses.

“Does this mean you want me to remove the ‘Hugs and Kisses, Jon’ from the signature block on his letter?” Sam asks nervously.

Enter Melisandrei, who is so evil and creepy, she should come with her own soundtrack, so you know she’s coming, like perhaps, the theme song from the Halloween movies, or the one they play whenever the Wicked Witch appears in the Wizard of Oz . . .

Game of Boners

seduction

No scene in GOT has felt more like a porn parody of itself than the one in which Melisandrei attempts to seduce Jon Snow into riding to Winterfell with her and Stannis. “The Watchers on the Wall don’t take part in the Wars of the Seven Kingdoms,” insists Jon Snow.

“There’s only one war, the war of life and death,” Melisandrei explains. “Here I’ll show you.”

“What are you going to show me,” scoffs Jon, “a vision in the fire?”

“Not unless fire is what you crazy kids are calling the vajayjay these days,” Melisandrei notes, as she disrobes for Jon, and places his hand on her tit.

WHAT? WHY? WHAT THE HECK AM I WATCHING?

BabyScared

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like sex scenes as much as the next cable subscriber. But this one just seems out of place. Maybe I was wrong about Melisandrei being accompanied by the Halloween soundtrack, when she enters a room. Perhaps, a 70s porn track would be more appropriate.

“Do you feel my heart beating?” Melisandrei asks Jon, because apparently they are playing doctor now.

gawp

“Um, I would, maybe, but your massive breast is in the way,” Jon muses.

“That’s cool, because I don’t have a heart anyway. Let’s screw and make a legion of evil shadow babies together that will conquer the world,” Melisandrei entreats, as she straddles Jon, and starts grinding against his leg like it’s a hobby horse.

“I don’t think Stannis, a.k.a the guy whose already cheating on his awful wife with you, would like that,” Jon argues.

“He would if we let him watch,” responds Melisandrei.

happy stan

(Actually, she didn’t say that. But something tells me that watching his mistress go at it with the adorable object of his man crush, Jon Snow, would not be the most awful experience Stannis could imagine. He also strikes me as a guy who really digs period piece porn, if you catch my drift.)

“I’m sorry. I can’t f*ck you today, because I’m in love with another ginger,” Jon insists. “Dead Ygritte.”

Melisandrei reluctantly relents, “You know nothing, Jon Snow,” she says before exiting.

know nothing

“Dammit! Why are women always saying that to me?” Jon grumbles, as he returns to his paperwork.

“Rats, foiled again,” whines Stannis, as he turns off HBO, in search of some real porn with actual payoff   . . .

In which Stannis and Shireen get their Hallmark moment . . .

better hug

Upstairs and completely unable to find good porn on Wall Watcher TV, Stannis finds a welcome distraction in his daughter’s presence . “The Wall is no place for a child,” he says apologetically, despite the fact that in the book, most of the Watchers on the Wall are actually prepubescent boys.

“It’s OK, I like it here. I’ve started my own business called ‘Shireen’s School for Westerosians Who Can’t Read Good.’ It’s been a great success. We’ll be publicly traded on NASDAQ next week,” Shireen answers. “Mom told me she didn’t want to take me.”

“Your mother is the worst,” Stannis replies, thus proving that Stannis and I agree on something.

“Are you ashamed of me?” Shireen asks boldly.

It’s something many fans have undoubtedly wondered about Stannis, who seemingly has kept his cute daughter with the scar makeup on her face locked in tower for most of the series’ run. His terrible wife is certainly ashamed of Shireen.

Stannis pauses a bit long before speaking. And, in that moment, fans undoubtedly share Shireen’s nervousness as to what he’s going to respond. He tells his daughter the story of how she got greyscale. As it turns out, she wasn’t born with it, as many, myself included, might have thought, rather she was infected with it by a poisoned doll that Stannis himself had purchased from a Dornish trader and put in her crib, when she was a baby.

According to Stannis, once Shireen became infected, everyone thought she would die, and begged Stannis to send his daughter to live with the Stone Men far away. But Stannis refused to abandon his daughter, and eventually found a Maester to cure her. “Because you didn’t belong with the Stone Men,” Stannis explains.

princess shir my daughter

The look on Shireen’s face, upon hearing these words is resplendent. And when the father and daughter hug for the first time on camera, you’d have to have no heart in your big boob like evil Melisandrei not to get a wee bit choked up at the Hallmark card-iness of it all . . .

Wardeness of the North

watching one another

On the much less Hallmark card end of the spectrum is Littlefinger’s continued dalliances and occasional open mouth kisses with the now fully reborn to the dark side, at least for now, Darth Sansa. Westeros’ second favorite pedophile (Marg is still winning) finds Sansa in the crypt lighting a candle for an aunt she never knew. There, Littlefinger breaks the news to Sansa that he’s leaving for Kings Landing. Thus, Sansa will be alone with gross Ramsey to live amongst all those fetid corpse chandeliers he loves so much.

“Worry not, Darth Sansa,” Littlefinger insists. “Stannis and his Creepy Wife with the army of evil shadow babies between her legs are coming to kill the Boltons. And once they do, they will name you Wardeness of the North, since you are the only surviving Stark child, apart from Bran and Rickon, who nobody cares about, and Arya, who is stuck in hamburgerless White Castle for the foreseeable future.”

“But what if Stannis and his Creepy Wife with the army of evil shadow babies between her legs lose the battle?” Sansa wonders.

“Then, you will become Mrs. Darth Sansa Stark nee Gross Rotting Fetid Corpse Bolton, and after about a year or so, you will stop noticing the smell of all the dead bodies your creepo husband will make you use as a comforter.”

Then, Littlefinger and Darth Sansa make out.

icky makeout

eww_face

“I suppose, the next time you see me, I’ll be a married woman,” Sansa muses half-flirtatiously.

“Never stopped me before,” winks Littlefinger.

little finger eye wag

In Which Bronn Gets his Very Own Dornish Stallion . . .

fighting together

While traveling in Dorne and munching on a yummy rattlesnake dinner, Jamie and Bronn come upon four men on horseback, who quickly suss them out as outsiders, and wish to murder them. “How many do you think you could take?” Bronn asks his new one-armed buddy.

rattler

“One, if he’s slow,” Jamie muses.

So, Bronn easily dispatches of three of the four men, steals the horse of one, and murders the horse of the fourth. “This one should be slow enough for you,” Bronn offers.

And he IS slow enough! Jamie kills him! Hooray! Kingslayer’s still got the swagger!

hot jam

Then, Jamie makes Bronn bury all the dead bodies himself, because he’s a pimp . . . also because it’s really hard to dig with only one hand . . .

Sistahs Sand Snakes are doing it for themselves . . .

they all watch

When we last saw Ellaria Sand, she was busy being disappointed that Doran Martell wasn’t cool with mutilating little Lannister girls to avenge Oberyn Martell’s death. Ellaria has a hunch that Oberyn’s illegitimate daughters , who appear to live under a sheet held up by three poles, will be less discriminatory about who they mutilate. “Do you choose peace or war?” Ellaria asks the three women.

In response, Obara, the oldest, throws a spear into the head of the guy who brought Jamie Lannister into town, just because she can. Clearly, this is not the kind of girl you sing Kumbaya with around a campfire, while eating s’mores.

Making the Best of a Bad Situation

singing ty

While on a boat bound for Mereen, the captive Tyrion entertains his captor Jorah by singing with a gag in his mouth. When Jorah removes the gag, Tyrion admits that he was going to see Dany anyway, and that the two of them, captor and captive, share a mutual disdain for the awful Cersei.

Tyrion is smart enough to surmise that Jorah’s kidnapping of him is nothing more than a desperate attempt of the latter to get back into Dany’s good graces and possibly her bed, after she banished him for trading her secrets to Kings Landing (probably because he accidentally deleted all the Dany / Daario episodes of this show on his DVR, and doesn’t realize yet that he’s WAAAAY outmatched, and there isn’t a chance in hell he’s ever going to get to hit that).

Jorah responds to this revelation by punching Tyrion in the face, and knocking him unconscious.  Bad move, Jorah. Who is going to sing to you now?

angry jor

Ser Barristan-Wan Kenobi and Grey Worm versus Those Creeps with the Weird Masks (a.k.a The Scene Where Everybody Gets Bludgeoned to Death)

barri and dani

Over in Mereen, Dany is having a warm conversation with loveable grandfather type Barristan about how her dad used to dress up like a minstrel and sing to the public because it was fun, also because he was a nutbar. She sends Barristan out for a walk amongst the people, while she attends her umpteenth council meeting about re-opening the fighting pits.

“Fighting pits unite the people, and give them something to live for. Reopening them will show you respect their traditions,” says Mereenite guy.  “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.”

We interrupt this episode of CSPAN- Westeros Edition to bring you LOTS OF PEOPLE GETTING VIOLENTLY MURDERED!!!!

the masks

Apparently, the Sons of the Harpy, aka, the folks in the weird masks stolen from the orgy scene in the movie Eyes Wide Shut are super pissed at Dany about the whole “no more slaves” thing, so pissed in fact that they want to KILL EVERYONE (which sort of doesn’t make sense, seeing as, if everyone is dead, no one can be a slave).

The unsullied, led by Greyworm try to put down the Sons. But Greyworm seems to be the only one really having any luck with it. Then Barristan joins in, and he’s like the coolest fighting old man since Obi Wan Kenobi, just slicing through Mask Heads, like they are his morning bagels.

kicking ass more ass kicking

Then he dies . . . which sucks, and Greyworm dies too. . . I think, maybe.

The final shot of the hour is a really gross hallway filled with a pile of murdered rotting disgusting corpses, kind of like what you would imagine Ramsey’s childhood bedroom would look like, if he ever had a childhood . . .

dead together

And that was “Sons of the Harpy.” Until next time, my friends . . .

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ONCE UPON A TIME: Ridiculously Bad Life Choices (S4:E20 – Insert obligatory weed reference here)

sees her

Regrets. We all have them. Sometimes they are little, like the time you drank too much and said those things you weren’t supposed to say. Sometimes they are big, like the time you ruined a friendship or broke the heart of someone you loved.

Sometimes they are friggin’ huge, like the time you kidnapped a baby, turned it into the biggest asshole ever, and dumped it through a time portal . . .

ouat 4.2 snow baby

Oh, so you are saying you never did that last one? Maybe that’s just Snow and Charming . . .

This week’s installment of Once was all about the balance between taking responsibility for our own crappy mistakes and understanding that there are some things in life that simply cannot be changed . . . well . . . unless you happen to know an Author who can conveniently erase your mistakes for you, thereby allowing you to f*ck up to your heart’s content.

Also this week on Once, Swan Queen road trips, car chases, kids who change nationalities when they become adults, a heart that gets tossed around like a hot potato, and a baby conceived under the creepiest circumstances ever, and I’m not even talking about the one that hatched out of an egg . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

Black Smoke Monster Cometh!

Bet you didn’t know the Black Smoke Monster from Lost is also the Sorcerer on Once Upon a Time. That sure is one busy time traveling fart . . .

text smoke

As the episode begins, Old Hairy Homeless-Looking Mickey Mouse is pleading with the Black Smoke Monster Sorcerer. “Please don’t vacuum me up into fart oblivion like you did to the drug runner on Lost. I really didn’t mean to play a part in sucking all of Emma’s assholeness out of her and putting it into Lily. It just sort of happened.”

Sorcerers_Apprentice

“Don’t worry. It’s not your fault. I don’t know what I expected, hiring a dumb unkempt hobo to be my apprentice. I blame that Author, which is why I locked him in a book forever, where he will never be found, until those meddling kids release him 30 years or so from now. . .”

Thirty years later . . .

Cruella’s Dead. It’s Vacation Time!

Our gang mourns Dead Socio Cruella for the required three minutes and twenty seconds (I wonder whose job it was to scoop up her squished body from the bottom of that cliff?), before heading back to Granny’s to get wasted. “I’m going to kill Rumpel for making me kill Cruella,” Emma says, her eyes filled with Asshole.

Once-Upon-A-Time-Episode-4-19-Lily-once-upon-a-time-38404452-500-333

“Whatchu talkin bout, Dark!Emma?”

“Hey, ease up on the killing talk, Killer,” offers Snow. “That’s just the Asshole in you talking.”

“Shut up, I still hate you and your hideous haircut,” replies Emma.

“This has been fun and all, but I have to go rescue my boyfriend from his wife . . . the fake one, obviously,” Regina explains.

Enter Maleficent. “Hey guys. I’ve decided I want to change teams.”

mal

“You’re going to become a lesbian?” Emma asks.

“No, silly. I was always a lesbian,” explains Maleficent. “Think about it, I asexually reproduced my daughter in an egg. I’m talking about joining Team Good Guys. I think you can help me find my daughter, Lily, somewhere in Massachusetts. You might remember her from back when she was a Latina girl in that flashback. She’s no longer Latina, since her face turned into another actress. But I’m sure you can find her anyway.”

lily and emma together

“Well, this is awkward,” says Emma, when she sees the 30-year old birth announcement Maleficent found of Lily. (How did she know it was the same Lily, especially considering the girl changes nationalities every few years? Did the birth announcement mention she cracked out of an egg?)

baby dragon

“I was kind of an asshole to that little asshole, back in the day,” Emma admits.

“Aint’ fate a bitch,” offers Regina sympathetically. “Hey, I’ve got an idea, Emma. You and me can road trip to Massachusetts to pick up Lily, then New York to pick up Robin Hood, then Disney World to ride the scary Snow White ride, where you and I can both get out all of our aggression against your awful mother and her ridiculous hair.”

fate a bitch
“I’m sitting right here,” Snow White chimes in.

“Nobody cares,” Regina and Emma say in unison.

Regina and Emma quickly make arrangements for their road trip. Regina hires Maleficent to guard Belle’s heart from Rumpel. And Emma grudgingly hires her parents to watch Henry. She also sexts Captain Hook some naughty pics of her to keep him warm while she’s away. Just kidding, but they do share some serious PDA as she’s leaving and admit that they are part of one another’s happy endings . . .

pda

It’s all very sweet. Captain Hook is going to be a brilliant housewife someday . . .

You can check out the rest of this recap HERE!

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Decapitated by Kindness – A Recap of Game of Thrones’ “High Sparrow”

marg and tom

“Puberty RULES!!!”

For all its violence, public beheadings, ball chop-offs, and toilet bowl stabbings, the world of Westeros was a surprisingly cordial place to live. Few people cursed, or raised their voices at one another, at least not while others were in earshot. In fact, winning the Game of Thrones, often required its players to smile genially at those they most detested, and inquire after their well being . . .while at the same time chopping their head off with a long sword.

This week’s installment of GOT depicted all of its characters, hiding their truly dark motivations, behind smiles and polite words. More specifically, “High Sparrow” featured Arya doing a little housekeeping, Sansa getting engaged again, Tommen getting a whole lot of nookie, Jon Snow getting a little head, Margaery beating Cersei in a verbal smackdown,  and a High Septon being quite literally beaten by his religion.

Let’s review, shall we?

Wax on, Wax Off

joggin

If Jagen Hagar didn’t have such cool hair, most people would think he was a real prick. . .

Inside White Castle the House of Black and White, Arya has become Jaqen Hagar’s maid, sweeping the floors of the House for days on end. In fact, it seems like everyone who lives at the House has been converted into Jaqen’s personal Downton Abbey service staff . . . well, except maybe for this one old guy, who Jaqen seemingly murdered, by serving him poisoned water. (Maybe his cleaning abilities were sub par?)

arya in dark

It seems Jaqen comes from the Mr. Miyagi / Karate Kid school of warrior training. If you recall, Mr. Miyagi told the Karate Kid that “wax on, wax off” was the key to finding patience and discipline in battle, but really he just wanted someone to wash his car for free. . .

Likewise, Jaqen tells Arya she must learn to serve others , most specifically the “One God,” before she can learn to do cool things like scare hoodlums by occasionally turning into an old grumpy black man in a hoodie . . .

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Arya responds by continuing to perform free labor for Jaqen. Mission accomplished! The floor of the House of Black and White has never looked cleaner. Jaqen might even be able to see his reflection in it . . . if he actually had a face . . .

In Which Tommen Gets Laid, and Cersei Gets Banished to the Loser Table

marg mean girl

The happy day has finally come for Westeros’s favorite pedophile (Work harder, Littlefinger!) to finally get hitched to Cersei’s less psychotic, but more age inappropriate, son, Tommen. The populace is clearly thrilled! They haven’t been this happy, since about 100 years ago, when one of their beloved queens actually married a fetus (which, made exchanging vows complicated, but totally worth it).

As Tommen and Margaery exchange vows, Tommen couldn’t look more pleased with his excellent luck. Just last week he was playing in bed with Ser Pounce, Lady Whiskers and Boots. Now, he has a much larger pussy to call his very own . . .

tommen with catSource

That night, newlyweds Tommen and Margaery do the deed. And it’s just as gross as you imagined, but not as graphic as you might have feared, especially given that this is an HBO show. Most of the naughtiest bits are hidden from view underneath an exceptionally large comforter.

“Sex is awesome,” Tommen exclaims, after presumably giving Margaery the best one minute and twenty five seconds of her life. “The history books shall call me the Sex King, because this will be all I’ll do throughout my entire reign, while my mother runs the country to the ground.”

“You’re a big boy now, a married big boy” Margaery cautions. “You should send your mother away, and let me run the country to the ground for you.”

“Well, that doesn’t sound very nice,” posits Tommen. “I mean, my mother’s always been kind of a bitch, but she did give birth to me through an incestuous act with her twin brother, and . . .

“Sex,” Margaery argues calmly.

“Whatever, you say, my Queen. That evil wench is history,” Tommen capitulates.

marg and tom gif

“Your wife is very pretty. She sure smiles a lot,” Cersei tells Tommen, as the pair are walking the grounds together the next day.

To Cersei, smiling a lot is a sin on par with murdering one’s parents, cutting off their faces and wearing them for sport. She herself hasn’t smiled once since she was an infant, and that was only because she’d bitten off her nanny’s nose and thought it was hilarious.

walking with tom

“You should go away and live at Casterly Rock, so my wife can run Westeros to the ground instead of you, and I can have all the pussy I want, both the cat kind and the other kind,” Tommen replies.

Cersei is outraged by her son’s suggestion, and knows that evil smiling Margaery must be behind it. She immediately goes to see the new Queen to put her in her place. On her way, she overhears Margaery telling her ladies in waiting what a little horndog her son is. You know, because a mother loves nothing more than hearing detailed and graphic descriptions of the skill with which her prepubescent son screws . . .

suspicious cers

“Oh, hello Cersei, I was so busy talking about the size of Tommen’s dong, I almost didn’t notice you standing there?” Margaery offers politely. “Tell me, was his father as well-endowed . . . his real one, I mean?”

What follows is the absolute best double-entendre laced conversation between two mean girls, I have ever witnessed. And it goes a little something like this . . .

sister

Margaery: “I’m sorry I didn’t have any wine to serve you. It’s a bit early for us.”

(Translation: You are a disgusting old alcoholic hussy, and everybody knows it.)

Cersei: “Marriage agrees with you.”

(Translation: “Try not to poison this son, like you did my last one, because I don’t have any more left, you dumb pedophile bitch.”)

dead jof

Margaery: “I’m so tired after so much rough sex with your son all night. But that can be expected, after all, he is half lion, half stag.”

(Translation: “Surprisingly, your kid doesn’t screw like the abomination / product of incest I know him to be.”)

Cersei: “That’s lovely.”

(Translation: “I hope you choke on my son’s cock, and die a horrible death.”)

Margaery: “With all the sex we’re having, you will be a grandmother in no time. And the populace will be so happy to see our spawn. But in the meantime, can I call you dowager queen?”

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(Translation: “Our kid will probably come out with three heads because of the whole incest thing. P.S. You are an old bag.”)

Cersei: “If there is anything you need at all, please don’t hesitate to ask me.”

(Translation: “I just peed in your cornflakes. Enjoy the rest of your urine-filled breakfast.”)

Rise, Darth Sansa!

riding to winterfell

Back at Winterfell, Ramsey Bolton has popped home with some happy souvenirs for his dad from his tax collecting business trip, about four or five gross flayed bodies. “Mmmm, nothing beats a nice celebratory steak dinner to celebrate a good old fashioned genocide,” he says triumphantly.

“You make me so proud, Bastard Son,” says Roose. “In fact, I’d like to reward your sociopathy by marrying you off to Dark!Sansa Stark.”

“Sansa Stark? Didn’t we brutally murder her entire family?” Ramsey asks.

“Details,” says Roose. “With her new goth hairdo, she’s totally your type.”

“Can we have flayed bodies as the centerpieces at the wedding tables?” Ramsey asks excitedly.

Meanwhile, Sansa is also learning of her impending nuptials from Littlefinger. “Not cool,” Sansa complains. “I dumped the tall blonde lady and her sex stud friend, because I thought you would better protect me from danger, despite the fact that you are creepy and clearly a pedophile. Now, you are marrying me off to the crazy guy who cut off Alfie Allen’s balls, last season?”

little finger eye wag

Littlefinger responds by totally invading Sansa’s personal face and sexually caressing her face like it’s the ring from Lord of the Rings, and he is Smeagol. “Your entire family (except for Arya, whose busy Mr. Miyagied at White Castle, and Bronn and Rickon, who nobody care about) were all brutally murdered, because they were too nice, and refused to get dirty by affiliating themselves with gross people like me and the Boltons. Your life has sucked so far. But now, you have cool black hair, and everything can be different. Rise Darth Sansa! And we can murder everybody else on this show, and live happily ever after together on a pile of their rotting fetid corpses, which coincidentally will be your new sigil, once you marry Ramsey Bolton.”

darth vader

“Sounds good,” replies Sansa in a voice that sounds suspiciously like James Earl Jones.

She then gets back on her horse. And Littlefinger laughs maniacally as the two ride off together toward the gates of hell, a.k.a Winterfell.

In which, Renly and Brienne get the origin story you’ve been waiting for . . .

ren and bri

Pod and Brienne take a break from stalking Dark!Sansa to make camp, and bond a bit over S’Mores and stuff. (Did they have S’mores in Westeros.)

Brienne offers to train Pod to become a real fighter, figuring if he’s half as good with an iron sword, as he is rumored to be with the one between his legs, he’ll be a real champ at it.

smile pod

Pod tells the story of how he became Tyrion’s squire, as punishment for eating a stolen ham. Brienne responds by telling this adorably awesome story about how Renly Baratheon saved her from becoming Stephen King’s Carrie, at a prom her father made to secure her a marriage, by dancing with her when none of the other boys would.

“Those boys are nasty little shits, and are not worth your tears,” whispered Renly in her ear. “So, um try not to burn down the gymnasium with your mind, and kill us all, mmm kay?”

And with that story, Renly officially became my favorite dead guy on this show . . .

RenlysDeathS2Ep5

How come all the good ones, end up being married, gay, or murdered by Shadows Born Between Melissandre’s legs?

Brienne admits that she deeply regrets not being able to protect Renly from his untimely, and frankly really weird, demise. “Nothing is more hateful than failing to protect the one you love,” she says, vowing to avenge Renly’s death by murdering Stannis, and his creepy shadow baby, once and for all.

Somewhere in Heaven, Renly Baratheon is pumping his fist in triumph . . .

The Perks of Being a Wall Flower . . .

jon snow

Back at the Wall, Jon Snow formally rejects Stannis’ offer of legitimacy, because he’s not willing to leave his post as high commander to fight alongside Stannis’ army. Stannis is disappointed, but grudgingly respects Jon Snow’s honorable nature, even if he thinks he’s a moron, whose going to end up with his head on a pike like his father, Ed Stark.

Nice guys on this show, always finish last, after all.

It’s interesting how, in their own way, Sansa and Jon have both been given the same choice in this episode, and have chosen opposite paths. Sansa has chosen to get dirty, and play the game to avenge her family’s death, while Jon, for now, anyway, has chosen to stay clean, and watch from the sidelines, as an honorable bystander. Davos tells Jon as much, after his boss Stannis, has left the building.

“Part of the oath you took as a member of the Knights Watch was to protect the people,” Davos explains. “I mean, sure, you are protecting them from those white zombie things we see once every season, usually in the last five minutes of an episode. But wouldn’t it make more sense to protect them from those disgusting Boltons whose idea of interior decorating is hanging gross fetid bodies from the ceiling as chandeliers?”

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“Yeah, but we’ve got like three more books to go, before I win the Game of Thrones, so it’s best I take my time,” responds Jon.

“You know nothing, Jon Snow,” says Davos.

“That’s what she said,” Jon answers truthfully.

In Which Arya Takes Her First Important Steps Toward Becoming a Homeless Looking Old Black Man

crying arya

Back in Hamburger-less White Castle, Arya is getting hazed by a girl with the same haircut she has. The girl slaps her around a bit, and keeps asking her name. Jaqen intervenes and instructs Arya that, in order to truly become a Homeless Looking Old Black Man, she must first rid herself of “Arya Stark’s” possessions. Arya does as she’s told, throwing all her possessions in the river. However, she can’t quite bring herself to part with her trusty sword needle, so she hides it underneath some rocks.

Hey, even Homeless Looking Old Black Men need to protect themselves somehow . . .

Later that day, Arya helps the mean girl with her haircut to wash the body of the dude who drank poisoned water and died at the beginning of the episode. “What do we do with them after we wash them?” Arya asks.

“We put on a naked corpse puppet show,” girl with the same haircut responds.

Actually, she doesn’t say that, but wouldn’t it be weird if she did?

I’ve Got Friends in Low Places

sansa on throne

Back at Winterfell Dark!Sansa puts on a nice show of being polite to those fetid Boltons, including her wackjob soon-to-be husband. When she goes to her room, her lady in waiting, offers her water to wash, and is extremely kind. “It is good to have you home, Lady Stark. The North remembers,” the woman tells her.”

Once alone, Sansa takes out her “People to Kill” list, and crosses off, Lady Who Gave Me Water. After all, someone is going to need to be there to help her and Littlefinger discard all those pesky dead bodies, after they’ve murdered all of Westeros . . .

Jon Snow Loves Gingers, Hates Baldies

janus still with head

“Is it too late to get a wig?”

In an interesting parallel between Jon’s rule of the Wall and Dany’s of Mereen, the new Commander of the Watch experiences his first resistance as ruler, and responds by choosing force over mercy, just as the Mother of Dragons did last week.

Deciding his strongest competition for leader, Allistair, deserves his respect, and will be a good ally to have in the future, Jon appoints him first ranger, giving the older gentleman watch over an adorable Ronald Weasley looking fellow hired to dig a new potty hole for all those dirty Wall Boys. Allistair is clearly satisfied with the appointment (and excited to finally get a new cleaner toilet).

Jon gets a much less appreciative response when he sends his other competitor for Commander, Janus, i.e. the wimpy one who hid an outhouse during their last battle, to fight far away in a remote town. “Shove it up your arse,” says the bald guy.

“Off with his head,” Jon responds, as he publicly decapitates Aging Mr. Clean in front of his peers, even after the latter cried like a bitch and begged for mercy.

Watching from above, Stannis offers Jon, an impressed thumbs up. “Decapitations are awesome,” says Stannis. “You may survive this series yet.”

happy stan

Shortly thereafter, the entire army on the Wall decided to dye their hair red. Who knew being a ginger could save one’s life?

High Sparrow – 1, High Septon – 0

high sparrow

In Westeros, the High Septon is a pretty important guy, kind of like the pope, only without the cool bubble car. So, you could imagine the shock of the good people of Kings Landing, when that religious cult, the Sparrows, led by that guy Lancel, who used to screw Cersei, drag the old fat naked High Septon out of a brothel naked, and publicly shame him.

The Septon claims he was just giving some good old fashion naked counseling to some prostitutes in need. Cersei responds by visiting the High Sparrow, who is also old, but not nearly as fat as the High Septon, since he is the one who ordered the public shaming. The High Sparrow is humble, lives amongst the poor, doesn’t wear shoes, and smells like poo.

“Hey Sparrow,” Cersei says to the smelly religious guy, “How’d you like to be the new pope?”

In which Tyrion makes a new friend . ..

tyrion

On the Road to Mother of Dragons, a restless Tyrion and Varys stop at a nearby town that may as well be called Danyville. All the priests sing her praises, all the whores dress like her and wear their hair like her. For a few Valor Morghulis coins, you can even get a t-shirt with Dany’s face on it, mouth wide open screaming, “WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS?”

Tyrion tries to win himself a prostitute but can’t seal the deal. Clearly, he’s still upset over the whole, “murdered my prostitute girlfriend, while my father was in the john, taking a break from boning her” thing.

He wanders upstairs, to piss his regrets off the side of a tall building, when he’s captured by a swarthy man, with a rope. “I’m taking you to see the Queen,” says Jorah Mormont.

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“Thanks for the lift, that’s where I was headed anyway. Can Varys come too?” Tyrion responded . . . or at least that’s how he would respond, if he wasn’t bound and gagged.

And that was the High Sparrow, in a rather large nutshell. Until next time, my dear citizens of Westeros!

snuggie throwns

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