GAME OF THRONES: Bran Stark, You Had One Job! (S6: Ep 5 Recap)

white walker meet up

“Hey, you are the Night King, right? You are much shorter in person . . .”

“The Door” a.k.a. the episode in which Bran Stark, binge-watcher of Warg-DVR, taker of naps, tree-hanger-outer, RUINS EVERYTHING! Also, this week, Sansa throws some much-awaited shade at Little Finger; Arya watches a porn version of Season 1 of GOT; and the winner of the Kingsmoot gets the medieval equivalent of a toilet bowl head-dunk swirly.

Let’s chat about it, shall we?

Sansa to Littlefinger: “Now I Know Why My Mom Dumped Your Ass.”

little and sans

Our Little Sansa Stark is all grown up now, isn’t she? It seems like only yesterday, she was blindly following Littlefinger, letting him slide his snaky tongue down her throat, and allowing him to give her a Darth Sansa makeover.

Now, she’s making her own outfits (and Jon’s too, more on that later), has loyal Brienne at her side as the best bodyguard who isn’t Cersei’s Zombie Mountain Dude ever, and isn’t taking any crap whatsoever from the man with the silly name, the even sillier mustache, and an accent whose country of origin changes in every other sentence.

“Do you know what Ramsey did to me?” Sansa interrogates her former ally icily, in a not so thinly-veiled allusion to that Controversial Brutal Rape Episode of the season past.

know about ramsay

To Littlefinger’s credit, he looks deeply abashed, horrified, and contrite over this reveal, though its unclear whether this is because he cares for Sansa like a daughter, a lover (ick), or the best chance he has to get anywhere near the Iron Throne.

“You saved my life and rescued me from monsters who tortured and killed my family, and sold me to other monsters who tortured and killed my family,” Sansa rightfully seethes.

Sansa is soooo done with Littlefinger now. She doesn’t need his stupid army, led by that creepy Pee Wee Herman looking kid and his pet bird, thank you very much. And so Littlefinger is forced to shuffle out of the room with his head hung low, and his tail between his legs, like a dog who just got caught scooting his butt across a recently shampooed white carpet, seconds after pooping outside.

sad puppy

But, of course, our Machiavellian antihero still has one more card up his sleeve to play. “By the way, your uncle on your mom’s side (may she rest in peace) has an army that’s recently combined with mine / that Pee Wee Herman-looking kid’s. And both armies would be more loyal to you than your bastard half-brother . . . not that you care, or have any interest in becoming Future Queen of the World, or anything.”

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See, that’s the thing about Littlefingers. They are excellent at planting even smaller seeds . . . that grow into massive weeds . . . which end up slowly but surely overtaking and destroying your entire garden . . .

Game of Boners

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Meanwhile, over at Burgerless White Castle, that Nasty Ginger Chick is still beating the crap out of Arya, like the one-trick pony she clearly is. “You are never going to be one of us,” taunts The Evil Ginger.

“Why the heck would I want to be you? You spend your life washing naked dead people, and punching the blind, at a glorified fast food joint that doesn’t even serve the burgers with holes in them for which it became vaguely famous. #lifeambitionletdown” Arya retorts, or at least she would if she were me, instead of Nobody, which is not to say that I’m not also a nobody, but she’s a nobodier-Nobody and . . . OH NEVER MIND!

beat up by ging

Anyway, Jagen pops by to tell Arya that she’s been so very good at being a blind girl and taking regular beatings that she’s earned the right to try and kill yet another completely innocent person. Hooray!

Arya’s target is conveniently the star of a porno version of Season 1 of Game of Thrones. (She plays the character of Cersei Lickmypenister.)

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We know that this is the porno version, because the acting and special effects are really bad, Sansa’s boobs make an appearance, and, after its all over, the Joffrey character gives us a six-second close up of his genital warts for no good reason, whatsoever.

head choppy

sad arya

Poor Arya. It’s super hard and traumatizing for her to watch someone play her dad in a porno. Fortunately, his character gets his head chopped off, before she has to watch him get laid . . . the top head . . . not the bottom one. Then, Arya learns that the lady she’s supposed to kill enjoys drinking rum. And, obviously, all rum drinkers deserve instant death by poisoning, so it’s all good. (Unless, of course, it’s Malibu Rum, because that’s my favorite.)

actress to die

When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Them Into Evil Ice People Who Will Bring About the Apocalypse

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Once upon a time there were these tree people, who lived in the forest, and were super happy, because they didn’t have to wear clothes, or get jobs, or do any other sucky stuff like that. Then Mankind came. And Mankind was super douchey, chopping down trees, littering, making all the tree people register for Obamacare . . .

So, the tree people did what any environmental extremist hippies would do in such an untenable situation. They turned Mankind into an army of world-ending White Walkers, by shoving dragon glass in their chests. (Hey, if you had to walk around with a piece of dragon glass in your chest, you’d be pretty grumpy too!)

icky the blue

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Think about that the next time you think about not recycling your cans and bottles, and only using one side of your printer paper, MANKIND!

YOU BROUGHT THIS ON YOURSELVES!

YOU BROUGHT THIS ON YOURSELVES!

Kingsmoot: It’s Just Like the 2016 U.S. Presidential Election . . . But With More Toilet Bowl Swirlies

taking on the world

You know, after watching this episode of GOT, I think the U.S. political system has got things all wrong. All these primaries and caucuses, debates, and fund raising events. It’s all so time consuming!

I say, we just throw it all out the window, and have a Kingsmoot! Think about it. Hillary and Trump could just stand around outside, and tell everyone why we should vote for them. Then, after its all over, we could all go shove Trump’s head in a toilet bowl and give him a swirly (which, by the way, would be a massive improvement over his current hairstyle). Now, that’s what I call democracy!

So, yeah, long story short, no one really wants to be the King of Super Humid and Perpetually Raining Place (probably because its super humid and perpetually raining) except for two people: Yara Greyjoy and That Dude Who Killed Papa Greyjoy on the Bridge Last Week. (Note: That guy’s name is Euron, which you would think would be pronounced like “urine,” but, unfortunately, it isn’t.)

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Some people think that Theon should apply to be king of Super Humid and Perpetually Raining Place, instead of Yara because he has a pen . . . umm, well, because he’s a boy. But Theon’s all, “You know, spending two seasons covered in feces and being referred to as Reek really puts a damper on your political aspirations. I’m going to let my sister Yara take this one.”

i am theon rightful ruler

Yara seems relieved and pleasantly surprised that having his weiner cut off and being made to wear excrement as a t-shirt for a couple years has actually made her brother a nicer person! Inspired, she gives a nice why I should be QUEEN of Super Humid and Perpetually Raining Place, and earns a lot of goodwill from the crowd.

Then, that Urine Guy comes, makes a lot of penis jokes about Theon, brags about possible future sexcapades with Dany Targaryen, and promises to jail every woman who has an abortion / build a wall to keep out all minorities . . . wait . . . wrong election. Sorry!

So, of course, Urine Guy wins, because Mankind is awful! (Just ask the tree people from a few scenes back!)

To celebrate this victory, Super Humid and Perpetually Raining place has this tradition of dunking the winner’s head in the sea (because there were no toilet bowls in the middle ages, and that’s where everyone peed and pooed?) and holding it there until he loses consciousness. If the victor doesn’t die from this, he gets to be king. If he does die, oops!

Unfortunately, Urine lives. The good news though is that, while Urine’s face is swimming in the toilet bowl, Yara and Theon make off with all his best ships. Take that, New King Urine!

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Love Means Never Having to Say: “My Arm is a Zombie and I Have Cooties For Life.”

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Meanwhile over in Dany land, She of the Boobies Impervious to Fire is wondering out loud why kicked puppy Jorah keeps coming back to her for more abuse and increasingly painful cases of blue balls.

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“The bad news is that my arm is a zombie, and eventually I will turn into one too because I have the incredibly not creatively named, Greyscale disease,” Jorah explains. “The good news is now I can tell myself that the reason you are not sleeping with me is that you don’t want to become a zombie, and not because you find my dad bod, balding head, and withered pre-Viagra weiner a turn off. P.S. I love you, XOXO.”

banished twice always love you to serve you

“I command you to find a cure for the incredibly not creatively named STD you have and come back to me,” proclaims Dany.

“Really? You want me back, because you are secretly in love with me too? That’s awesome,” exclaims Jorah, as he skips off into the sunset like a giddy school girl.

“You know he’s never coming back alive, right?” Daario whispers in Dany’s ear shortly thereafter.

“Obviously,” responds Dany.

“Feel like boning right now?” Daario adds.

“I thought you’d never ask!”

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In other weiner news . . .

In Which Not-Melissandre Reminisces with Varys About That Time He Got His Weiner Wacked (Worst Spring Break Ever!)

new red queen

Back in Mereen, Tyrion decides he needs to make the good folks living there who aren’t terrorists love Dany, despite the fact that she recently rode off on a dragon and left them all to die. To do this, Tyrion wants to hire Melissandre, but the GOT budget for this episode was too bloated with White Walker and Zombie fight scenes to pay the actress’ salary, so we end up with another red priestess named Not-Melissandre.

Not-Melissandre agrees to spread the word around town that Dany’s the sh*t, and Tyrion is thrilled. But Varys doesn’t trust her. “So, you think Dany is the chosen one now, huh?” Varys challenges. “Remember last season when you thought Stannis was the chosen one, and you birthed shadow babies out of your hoo-hah to murder his brother, burnt his daughter to a crisp, did some weird things with beetles, and then Stannis ended up dying anyway? What was up with that?”

stanny

“Melissandre did all those things. I’m Not-Melissandre. There’s a big difference,” explains Not-Melissandre matter-of-factly.

“No difference,” responds Varys, unimpressed. “All you women who wear red dresses on this show are exactly the same!”

“Oh really,” argues Not-Melissandre. “Did all women in red dresses ghost stalk you while you were getting your weiner chopped off and give you words of encouragement while it was happening, because this woman in a red dress did?”

mad var

“Wow, if I still had a weiner, I’d be totally turned on by how hard you are hitting on me right now,” admits Varys. “But I don’t, so I’m just really freaked out.”

Why DVR Warging Without Your GOT Watch Buddy Makes You a Bad Friend . . . And Could Possibly Bring About The End of The World.

warg

So, you know how you have these certain friends or significant others with whom you just have to watch certain shows? And if one of you can’t watch the show at a certain date or time, its an unspoken rule that the other Show Buddy has to wait to watch it as well?

Well, apparently, nobody told Bran this. Because he totally, turned on the Warg DVR to watch GOT: The Flashback Years, while Old Man in the Tree was indisposed. (I think he might have been in the bathroom at the time.)

Bran tunes into this episode of GOT just as the Night King is raising his zombie army. And then, the “Smartest Stark” proceeds to just stand there next to this Really Scary Super Dangerous Guy like a doofus, until the Nights King grabs Bran’s hand, as if the two of them are boyfriend / girlfriend.

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Bran is lucky this isn’t a horror movie. Because, if it was, this ding dong wouldn’t even make it past the opening credits. And the fact that he is DVR-Warging is no excuse. Even in our nightmares, we all know to run away from the axe murderer, the scary monster, and the evil lunch lady from first-grade who was so awful that she single-handedly ensured that you would never buy school lunch for the remainder of your public school career . . .

When Bran wakes up, he learns that during the DVR-Warging session, the Nights King has put some GPS tracking device on the kids arm, and now, basically, he and all his friends are doomed.

he knows touched you

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“You have to leave this place now,” exclaims Old Man in a Tree.

So, Bran does what any rational boy would do in such a life-threatening situation. He takes another nap . . .

In Which Jon Snow Gets a New Jacket

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Back at the Wall, Sansa and Jon are talking about which families will join them in battling that Asshat Ramsey Bolton. “Ooh, I know, I know!” Sansa exclaims excitedly. “We can get the Tully Family army! Brienne can go and win them over on my . . . I mean OUR . . . behalf.”

“Did Littlefinger tell you to say that?” Jon wonders suspiciously.

“No,” fibs Sansa uncomfortably. “I just knew, OK.”

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“Then, why do I hear him offstage laughing maniacally like the Joker from Batman?”

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“That’s the sound of my stomach growling . . .” Sansa covers. “Indigestion from all this hearty Wall food.”

Later Brienne wonders whether Sansa will be safe on her own with Jon Snow and all his emo broody, recently back from the dead and suffering an existential crisis-ness. “I’ll be fine. Jon Snow’s my bro,” Sansa insists. “It’s not like we are both fighting to sit on the same Iron Throne or anything. Littlefinger, stop laughing maniacally. Everyone can hear you, and it’s totally blowing my cover!”

Just to show that there are no hard feelings, Sansa makes Jon a coat just like the one her dad was wearing the day that he got his head chopped off. Um, thanks?

made for you

gives cloak

thanks

Why It’s GOT’s Fault That, If You Are Ever Walking Behind Me Into a Building, I Probably Won’t Hold The Door Anymore

hold the door

Meanwhile, back at the Tree on the Edge of the Apocalypse, Binge Watching Bran can’t resist watching another episode of GOT: The Flashback Years, while everyone else around him is rushing to save his ungrateful life. So, of course, we assume he’s going to choose the Tower of Joy episode that the rest of us want to watch, so we can finally figure out if Jon Snow is the love child of Rhaegan Targaryen and Lyanna Stark as many have suspected, right?

tower of joyless

Nope, he chooses the same damn episode with his dad as a little kid that we’ve already seen before. Selfish brat!

At this point, the White Walkers and their zombie army have already penetrated the tree. So, now, Meera is stuck dragging dead-weight Bran to safety, while everyone else is forced to commit suicide to save that little sh*t’s life. Forest lady gives up her life first. Then comes Old Man in the Tree, because, after your TV Watch Buddy has betrayed you, there really is no reason to go on living. Next up is Summer the Direwolf, because the writers of this show apparently HATE adorable animals with a passion, but love lazy couch potatoes like Bran.

summer working it

Seriously, STOP KILLING THE CUTE DIREWOLVES, SHOW WRITERS! It’s emotionally manipulative, mean-spirited, and never actually advances the plot. Just saying . . .

Because, all these characters have willingly offed themselves to save Bran, Meera is able to succeed in dragging him out of the tree. But he won’t be safe unless large, loyal to a fault, Hodor can bar the zombies and walkers from escaping the tree until Meera and Bran are out of sight. “Hold the door,” Meera exclaims, over and over again.

So Hodor’s giant body fights to protect dumbass Bran, by blocking the door to the tree house while being ripped apart by zombies.

Back in DVR-Warg world, reality has once again intruded upon Bran’s flashback fantasies. This time its young Hodor whose impacted, and forced to relive the zombie demise he’s doomed to inevitably experience years later. Instantly young Hodor collapses to the floor and begins seizing, “Hold the door. Hold the door. Hold the door,” he repeats frantically over and over again, until the three words merge into one and become . . . you guessed it, Hodor.

hold the door 2

And that’s it. That’s Hodor’s origin story . . . how the last words he’d ever utter in life, became the only words he’d say forever more . . . and all because Bran’s a schmuck.

R.I.P. Hodor, you were the strong and silent type. Plus, you had really great manners. In other words, you were my ideal man.

Also, R.I.P. Summer. You shouldn’t have died, but since you did, you should know that:

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Until next time, Westeros!

Cross posted at Happy Nice Time People.

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GAME OF THRONES: Luck Be a Burning Naked Lady Tonight (Recap: S6, Ep 4)

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(Book of the Stranger, a.k.a the episode in which everyone in Westeros experiences something more rare than a double rainbow or boobies that are completely immune to fire damage . . . a good day. Well, at least everyone whose name isn’t Osha, Nameless Dead Dothraki Dudes, and Loras with the Bad Hair . . .)

I’ve always felt like Game of Thrones is a really fun show for everyone . . . except for its characters. I mean, can you imagine what a modern-day travel brochure would look like for a place like this? Westeros: The best place in the world to go when you want to: get your head chopped off; get stabbed repeatedly in the heart by all your friends; get blinded by your boss; have your face smashed in by an ogre; get brutally raped by your husband; walk through the town naked with a shaved head, while everyone flings poop at you.

shame shame look

“Best Vacation Ever!”

And that’s why this episode of GOT was so amazing! Good things actually happened to these people . . . A LOT throughout the hour. At times, it was downright perky . . . so perky, in fact, that I’m still not sure what I watched was actually an episode of the same show show that I’ve been watching for six years. Did I hallucinate Book of the Stranger? Did you all see this too?

(As always, special thanks to Andre:Father of Screencapping, King of Capturing Awesome Moments on Screen, the Unworried Photographer, Breaker of JPEGS.)

Let’s review, and find out, shall we?

Workman’s Comp At It’s Finest

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I don’t think I was alone last week in my well-founded fear that Jon Snow’s perfectly justified abandonment of the Knights Watch, a.k.a Those Douchebags Who Murdered Him, Because They Thought He Had Fallen in With a “Bad Crowd,” would prevent him from reuniting with his long-lost half-sister Sansa, who was en route to the Wall at that very moment. But, as it turns out, I underestimated Jon Snow’s deep understanding of modern day labor laws. Get murdered on the job? They can’t fire you! You are on permanent disability, man. Reap the benefits!

wake up snowy

(And they said he knew NOTHING!)

Just because Jon isn’t working for the Knights Watch anymore, doesn’t mean he can’t hang around their house, sleep in their beds, and eat all their food? I mean, whose going to challenge his right to do this? Olliepop?

olly pop

Nonetheless, unofficial new Lord Commander of the Knights Watch, Edd, wants to know what Jon’s going to do with the rest of his life, now that he doesn’t have to spend it lying naked on a slab and looking sexy, but progressively decayed.

“I don’t know, man. I feel like I just really need a vacation, you know?” Jon muses. “Maybe I’ll go to Disney World, and ride Space Mountain until I puke. Or I could do the whole Spring Break thing, like in that movie where James Franco wears gold teeth and dreds, and shoots people for fun with that chick from High School Musical.”

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“Don’t be a jerk,” argues Edd. “That secretly old lady didn’t spend half an episode washing your naked body and bringing you back to life, just so you could reenact a crappy Harmony Korine movie with a great soundtrack.”

We interrupt this conversation to bring you the arrival of new guests, Sansa, Podrick, and Brienne. Holy crap! They actually made it to the wall, before Jon Snow could leave! It’s a TV Miracle!

What follows is a total fanfiction type scene, in which Sansa apologizes to Jon for being the self-centered brat she was during Season 1, and Jon apologizes for being such a typical broody, non-communicative bad-boy type in the first few episodes. Sansa wants Jon to join her in the battle to retake Winterfell from the Boltons. But Jon is all like, “Girl, what about ‘I’m on Disability / Vacation’ don’t you understand? My hero-ing days are over . . . at least until next week’s episode?

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Fortunately, for Sansa. She’s pretty. And pretty girls are never at a loss for men willing to do stupid, life-threatening, things for them . . .

Under the Thumb of a Littlefinger

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What’s always fun about scenes with Littlefinger is that you never know exactly what his motivation might be for doing all the seemingly random things he does. And yet, the actor’s mustache twirling, exaggeratedly devious, delivery of nearly every line he speaks (even the most mundane lines like “Hey creepy Robyn, who breastfed from his mum until he was 13, I bought you a bird), seem to indicate that he’s about thirty steps ahead of the entire cast of GOT, in terms of scheming towards an ultimate endgame.

On the surface at least, Littlefinger’s motivation this week is pretty clear. He’s carefully positioned creepy, woefully stupid, young Robyn Arryn as King of the Vale, and gained the little Pee Wee Herman-looking kid’s trust completely.

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This way, he can pull that latter’s puppet strings and, more or less, rule the land himself. But when Littlefinger not-so-subtly coaxes young Robyn to utilize his army to “rescue” Sansa from Psycho Ramsey Bolton, we can’t be sure whether he’s doing it out of genuine affection for the child of the woman he once loved, or merely as another step in his Long Con to take the Iron Throne for himself.

Speaking of dubious motivations . . .

Let Them Eat Prostitutes

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Even those of you GOT fans who are 100% Team Dany, when it comes to who should ultimately rule the Iron Throne at the end of the series, have to admit that our girl is at a bit of a loss when it comes to diplomacy. Don’t get me wrong, she’s great at grand gestures of force, and magical razzle dazzle that will scare the bejeezus out of anyone who dares to stand in her way (See, e.g. the end of this episode). But when it comes to the actual politics of negotiation, no offense, but she kind of sucks . . .

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(In Dany’s defense, you can’t exactly blame a girl who was raised by lunatics and assholes and married to a guy who communicated through grunts and sex thrusts, for not being Alexander Hamilton.)

Tyrion, on the other hand, plays the game of politics like a champ, much to the chagrin of the more honest and innocent minded, like Greyworm and Missandrei, who prefer to pursue political gambits in a way that is a bit more transparent. “Hey there, funders of terrorists,” Tyrion offers gamely to the three rich douchebags who bankrolled the Sons of the Harpy, who recently destroyed the city of Mereen and ran Dany out of town on her dragon. “Agree to give up slavery in seven years and you all can get laid right now simultaneously, while each other watch, because, who doesn’t love doing that!”

For Tyrion Lannister, apparently, the road to the Iron Throne is filled with booze and watching sex scenes involving people that aren’t him . . . poor guy!

Speaking of homoerotic sexcapades . . .

Daario Wants Jorah to Know He Has a Big Penis . . .

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“I also make a mean French Toast breakfast, the morning after . . .”

On the same night that it is to be determined whether Dany can hang out with the Dothraki widow Mean Girls, or live out a lifetime of loserdom as a slave, Daario and Jorah are hot on the trail to rescue her from both fates. (To continue the Mean Girls Metaphor, Daario and Jorah are 100% the Damian and Janis of this story, though its up to you to determine which one gets to be Janis.)

damian and janis

Despite the fact that this mission is purportedly all about Dany, Daario still wants Jorah to know that he’s spectacular in the sack, as opposed to Jorah, who, well . . . unfortunately,Westeros in the Middle Ages is entirely without Viagra. “Honestly, I don’t think you could ride the dragon,” brags Daario. (Hint: He’s not talking about the fact that time when Dany hopped aboard Drogon, then ditched his ass and didn’t let him hop aboard Not Barney’s Back to safety with her last season.) “It’s almost too much for me, sometimes, and I’m a young man!”

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While preparing for battle with the Dothraki, Jorah inadvertently reveals his zombie greyscale disease to his sexy frenemy. Daario, to his credit, is sympathetic, but nonplussed. “STD, Shemsh T D. You turn the people you have sex with into zombies. I make their hoo-hah’s burn like the dickens, and give them crabs. Same difference.”

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“BRB,” adds Daario. “I’m going to go stab a Dothraki with a knife carved into the shape of a naked lady with big tits, then bash him in the head a few times with a brick, so no one could figure out it was me who did it.”

“I am so turned on right now,” admits Jorah. “Too bad I am old. My arm has already turned into a zombie. And I was born about three centuries before the invention of Viagra. And therefore, will probably never again get to have an erection for as long as I live.”

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A Slightly Less Sucky Day for Margaery

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Was anyone else more than a bit disappointed that the High Sparrow’s origin story was essentially, “I got really drunk one day at a party, felt guilty about it, and then forgot my shoes?” I mean, as a super villain on HBO I was expecting something sexier, a freak gas leak that left him without eyebrows and a soul or something.

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Fortunately for Margaery, she has a way better “I think what you are saying is really, really interesting” face than I do, and this allows her to be reunited with her brother Loras after weeks of asking.

The bad news is that Loras is a TOTAL MESS. I’m not just talking about his hair in the prison humidity, which I was totally right about, by the way! I’m talking about the fact that his entire spirit has been crushed like Oreo cookies in a hot fudge sundae. And, just as High Sparrow predicted, it is seeing her brother like this that finally convinces Margaery to do the “Get Naked while People Throw Poop at You” shame walk of atonement.

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Former King Renly would NOT want to hit this . . .

But fear not, people who hate poop! (Who doesn’t hate poop!) Margaery has found an unusual ally in the very person who submitted to the same Poop Walk last season, CERSEI????!!

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That’s right ladies and gentlemen, Cersei and Jamie “Fuck Everyone Who isn’t Us” Lannister have appealed to Lady Olenna, and suggested that the Tyrell’s use their army against the High Sparrow to prevent Margaery from taking the Walk of Poopy (more importantly, cutting that GORGEOUS HAIR). The look on Lady Olenna’s face when this plan is suggested is pretty much how we all feel in this moment.

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And besides, Poopy Walks are soooo Fifth Season . . .

Love Means Never Having to Send Your Sister Your Penis in the Mail

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Back at that place where it seems to always be super humid and perpetually raining (seriously, why on Earth would anyone want to live there?), Theon is reuniting with his sister Yara. At first, Yara is super mad at Theon, because she thinks he’s just coming home to become King of Super Humid and Perpetually Raining Place, but a tearful Theon has no interest whatsoever in doing that. He just wants to be with the only family he has left. Yara then admits to Theon that she knows he no longer has a penis, because Ramsey sent it to her in the mail.

Count on Ramsey to help people to avoid having Really Awkward Conversations with one another. What a swell guy!

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Oh He’s a Jolly Sociopathic Fellow!

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Poor Osha! Had she watched last seasons episodes of GOT (or Bran streamed them for her on his Warg-Eye DVR?), she would know that the way to get close enough to Ramsey to murder him is not by mounting him like a stallion and giving him the ride of his life. Sex with Ramsey will get you nowhere in this world, apart from a lifetime of therapy. And for Osha, what she got was worse. She got stabbed in the neck, because someone in this episode had to have a bad day, and it couldn’t be Dany, for reasons we’ll find out in just a bit . . .

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Come and See!

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Back at the White Wall, Davos is casually asking Melissandre what happened to his good pal Shireen. Awk-ward! (Where’s Ramsey to send someone’s weiner in the mail, when you need him?)

Fortunately for good ole, Meli, Brienne arrives to offer a tactful change of subject. “Hey Davos, speaking of people who met untimely demises, I killed your other pal Stannis. How do you like them apples?

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Later, the entire gang (Jon and his pal Edd), Davos, Wilding Bro Tormund, Brienne, Podrick and Sansa are eating dinner. You could almost smell the love in the air between Tormund and Brienne . . . which is weird, and wouldn’t be nearly as emotionally satisfying as a Brienne and Jamie hookup, but I’ll take it.

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Their babies will be super tall at least . . .

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Then again, maybe that isn’t love in the air I’m really sensing, but the Sweet Smell of Olliepop decay. Yep, still celebrating that turd’s murder. As I may have mentioned before, I’m a horrible human being.

olly pop

During the meal, Jon gets a taunting letter from Ramsey, in which the latter indicates that he has Rickon, has killed the poor kid’s direwolf, and wants Sansa back at Winterfell for more therapy-for-life inducing rape fests. “Come and See!” Ramsey repeats throughout the letter, like he’s a travel brochure for an exotic island, and not a total and complete douchebag, who is going to get murdered so gruesomely before this series is over, that it’s going to make that Little Shit Joffrey look like he died in his sleep.

joffrey death - season 4

“Yeah, my spring break days are totally over. (Sorry James Franco.) We are sooooo killing this Ramsey guy,” admits Jon plainly to the rest of the dinner table.

Ramsey Bolton, ladies and gentleman: moving along plot points by being an awful human being, since sometime around Season 3 . . . Come and see!

And Finally . . . The Firestarter

emerging

Back in the Dothraki camp, Daario and Jorah reunite with Dany and totally want to rescue her. But Dany, who birthed dragons from her hoo-hah, and has magical boobies that can’t burn, has loftier ideas. At the trial to determine whether Dany can live with the Mean Girls, Dany totally sasses Not Khal Drogo. This seriously pisses Not Khal Drogo off, causing him to tell Dany that he’s going to punish her for her insouciance . . . by having sex with her. Oooh! Scary! (Dude, when your threats to women involve telling them what a bad lay you are, you have way more serious problems than a small wee-wee.)

trial

Dany responds to threats of lousy sex, by telling all the Khals that she is about to rule the Dothraki once more, just like she did a few seasons back. This, all of the Khals find to be absolutely hilarious, because, like Osha, they refused to watch the last few seasons of GOT on Bran’s Warg DVR to their peril. “I will never be ruled by you,” exclaims Not Khal Drogo.

serve you

“True, because I’m about to turn you into bacon. And I can’t be the boss of bacon,” explains Dany matter-of-factly, before knocking over a pire to burn down the Dothraki temple and all the bad-at-sex Khals inside of it.

cannot leadd cannot lead 2 cannot lead 3

All the cast extras rush outside to watch their temple and all their super-bad-at-sex Khals turn into bacon. But just when it seems like the Dany is going to turn into bacon too, she emerges from the flaming temple, totally naked, but with boobies untouched by flame and as white as snow.

dany inflammable boobs

The rest of the Dothraki who weren’t turned into bacon bow at her feet, as one does when they see the majesty of inflammable boobies. Daario and Jorah bow too, possibly just because they’ve been walking in the desert for an entire season, and their legs are really tired . . .

bowing

Until next time, Westeros . . .

Cross posted at Happy Nice Time People.com

[BUY MY BOOK! Please?]

 

 

 

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ONCE UPON A TIME: DIE, MAGIC, DIE! (Season 5 Finale Recap)

422HenryPen

The war on magic starts today, folks! Until we decide that we actually like magic. Then, the war on magic ends. And we start a war against something else . . . people with multiple personality disorder, I think. Also, vanilla ice pops. We hate vanilla ice pops!

The Season Finale of Once has finally arrived! And all of your burning questions can now be answered. Like, what are they going to do with all those side storybook characters, who no longer have any relevance to the story? Who is going to be next season’s Big Bad? And where does Regina hide her fabulous Evil Queen outfits, now that she’s a “good person?”

All that and more, coming right up . . .

Whose Got Two Thumbs and a Not-Dead Boyfriend? THIS GIRL!

they kiss hook

At the after party for Robin Hood’s funeral, Emma struggles to gently break the news to Regina that one of their respective boyfriends might not be quite as dead as the other. (Spoiler Alert: Emma’s boyfriend is the less-dead one.)

“Maybe when I see her on the street, I could just run and hide,” suggests Hook helpfully. “Not forever, just like for the next two seasons, or however, long it takes the writers to give Regina a new boyfriend.”

the dance by hook

“Or, every time she walks by, I can pretend to be a statue of myself. She’ll never know the difference.”

“That could work,” muses Emma.

Two seconds later, there’s a lightning storm in Storybrooke. And because Captain Hook is super afraid of lightening, he runs right into the funeral after party, and pretty much stands right in front of Regina’s face with a neon flashing “I’m alive, and your boyfriend is not, nah-nah, nah-nah, boo-boo,” sign over his head.

To this, Emma responds, shaking her head, “You had one job, Hook! One job!”

pissed reg

 

 

Because Portals are Like a Box of Chocolates: There Are Always a Few Really Crappy Ones Hidden in There

someplace shitty

As it turns out, the aforementioned lightening storm was caused by Rumpel, who is using the vanilla ice pop to make more magic, so he could wake up Belle from her sleeping curse, since Belle’s dad refuses to make out with her. Such a jerk, that Belle’s dad! A good dad would make out with his daughter in a heartbeat! Wait, that came out wrong . . .

OUAT Belle

(A word on the Olympian Crystal / vanilla ice pop. I read that a lot of you folks on the message boards are calling it a dildo, which, I must admit, is funnier than calling it a vanilla ice pop . . . except for the fact that it’s all jagged edged and pointy, which would make it a rather painful dildo. I mean have any of you ever tried to . . .nevermind. I’m just going to stick to calling it a vanilla ice pop. Thank you very much!)

the crystal

 

Our heroes figure out that Rumpel is somehow tethering all of Storybrooke’s magic to the vanilla ice pop, in order to wake Belle. They fear that after he does this, he will then use that magic to hurt the good people of Storybrooke . . . possibly by making them all use pointy dildos, or something equally awful.

To prevent this from happening, our heroes ship all the extra characters they don’t need anymore (like Merida, and Robin Hood’s merry men, and poor orphaned Roland Hood,) through the portal to No Longer on this Show, which is good. But then something goes wrong with the portal. And it accidentally sends the Charmings, Zelena, and Hook to Still On the Show, But in Someplace Really Shitty, which is bad.

New York City: Where Magic and Affordable Real Estate Go to Die

map in igsty

In hindsight, our heroes were probably a bit hasty in shipping off their extras, and accidentally beaming themselves to Still on the Show, But in Someplace Really Shitty. What they don’t know is that Henry and his new girlfriend Violet have taken it upon themselves to use Henry’s author powers to steal the vanilla ice pop right out from under Rumpel. Now, the young lovers have skipped town, and plan to use that ice pop to destroy the magic that keeps murdering everybody’s boyfriends on the show!

fix this

Rumpel informs Emma and Regina that if Henry destroys magic, Storybrooke will cease to exist, and all the characters left there who didn’t portal to either No Longer on the Show or Still on the Show, But in Someplace Really Shitty will die. So, of course, Emma wants to find Henry and stop him from doing this. Regina wants to come with her. But Emma fears that Regina will end up doing something crazy and Evil Queeny because the latter is still sad about the whole Dead Boyfriend thing, which basically happened about five minutes ago in show time.

delicate with me

At first, Regina and Emma think that Henry went to destroy magic in Boston. But then they realize that he actually went to destroy magic in New York, because fake sets that look absolutely nothing like New York City are way cheaper to make than fake sets that look absolutely nothing like Boston.

 

Rumpel follows Henry and Violet to New York too, so he can get back the vanilla ice pop and use it to wake Belle, before Henry can destroy it, and/or try to use it as a dildo.

At a place that looks nothing like the main branch of the New York Public Library, Henry and Violet conveniently find a black cup that looks kind of like the Holy Grail. The Holy Grail, if you recall, was the cup from a few seasons back, that, if people drank from it, it caused them to either become immortal, or turn into a giant fart.

glass break

takes grail

Henry breaks a glass in the library to steal the cup. And no one seems to notice or care that he committed a major crime, nor will he pay any consequences for doing this at any time during the episode. Never mind the fact that the librarian who led him to the “rare book room” where the Black Version of the Holy Grail was located will absolutely recognize him, because she said to him, and I quote. “No one has been up here in ages. Everyone who comes to the library now is only into YA books.”

(Yeah, that was her actual line. I wish I was kidding. For your Emmy consideration, folks!)

Shortly thereafter, Rumpel comes to the rare book room . . . but only after he checked out the entire Twilight series, and a bunch of self-published Harry Potter fanfictions in which Voldemort and Hermione Granger became a couple. Rumpel easily disarms Henry and Violet and takes back the vanilla ice pop, but not the Black Version of the Holy Grail, even though its obviously a magical object that could be of equal or greater use to him than the vanilla ice pop, because Plot.

hotel rump

Rumpel, then checks into a fancy hotel room, where he again tries to do some voodoo with the vanilla ice pop to wake Belle up, but again, is unsuccessful in doing so. (Honestly, I’m not sure why he wasted so much money on a room, not to mention the $100 tip he left room service, when he could have failed in his magic trick outside for free. It’s New York City. People do weird stuff with vanilla ice pops that slightly resemble dildos in public all the time, and no one bats an eyelash. But more on that later . . .)

Then, Regina and Emma come to the hotel, and attempt to take the vanilla ice pop back from Rumpel. So Rumpel tries to hurt Regina and Emma. But Henry intervenes to steal the vanilla ice pop AGAIN, pair it with the black version of the Holy Grail, and destroy magic once and for all . . . or at least for the next two minutes.

The Land of Untold Stories

in a cage

Meanwhile, the Charmings, Zelena and Hook arrive at Still on the Show, but Someplace Shitty. A nerdy gardener is there, and he seems really afraid of this guy he calls “The Warden.” We figure out why when this other dude comes out, tasers all our heroes, and puts them in a cage. As it turns out, Taser Guy is not the warden. Eventually, the real Warden shows up. He has really bloodshot eyes, hates Rumpelstiltskin, and thinks our heroes are working for old Rumpy.

mean hyde

Later, the gardener comes back, claims that he’s actually a scientist, and offers to help the heroes escape from The Warden, by helping to rebuild Zelena’s wand, which was crushed during the whole tasing incident. However, while the kindly gardener / scientist in the process of doing this, we learn that he and The Warden are actually the SAME PERSON, despite the fact that they look absolutely nothing alike. It’s Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, naturally.

kindly

changing into

Look, it’s the Kool-Aid man!

At first, Mr. Hyde is against Dr. Jekyll helping the heroes, taking the serum that will separate him from Mr. Hyde for good, and leaving with the heroes to start a new life in Storybrooke. But then Mr. Hyde realizes that, in order to be the Big Bad of Season 6, HE HAS TO GO TO STORYBROOKE TOO! So, Mr. Hyde actually allows Dr. Jekyll to succeed in taking a serum that will split his multiple personality disorder into two entirely different people. This actually kind of defeats the entire purpose of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, but whatever.

The only problem is that with magic destroyed by Henry, our heroes are now kind of stuck where they are in Still on the Show But Someplace Shitty, or are they?

Just Believe the Crazy Teen Standing on Top of a Lion Statue Telling You About Magic

believ

Upon learning that destroying magic will basically end this television series, Henry conveniently decides that he doesn’t hate magic anymore. In fact, he loves it so much! So, he, Violet, Rumpel, Emma and Regina all go to this Asian Herbalist guy known as the Dragon for magical advice. Dragon tells them, “If you build it, they will come.”

No wait . . . that was James Earl Jones’ advice from Field of Dreams, but the sentiment here is the same.

will come

Henry and the fam go to this fountain that doesn’t at all actually exist in front of the New York Public Library and throw coins in it while wishing to be reunited with their families. When that doesn’t work, Henry stands on top of a Lion Statue and starts ranting and raving to a bunch of New Yorkers about how magic is really really real, all they have to do is believe it.

Now, anyone who has actually been in New York City knows that having some crazy kid ranting and raving to you about the existence of magic, or the coming of the apocalypse, or that Rice Krispies are going to come to life and eventually murder us all, is not all that unusual. I mean, this shit happens daily. So, Real New Yorkers learn to just stare straight ahead, avoid direct eye contact with these people, and continue on about their days.

proudd

Fortunately for Henry, everyone who happened to be near the fake New York Public Library at the time of his ranting and raving wasn’t a real New Yorker. Rather, they were all tourists traveling to NYC for the weekend from the small town neighboring town of Born Yesterday. So, Henry gets all the tourists to throw coins in the fountain and wish for stuff. And all this wishing apparently, brings back magic to the world, and causes the Charmings, Hook, Zelena and their new friend Dr. Jekyll to get immediately transported from Still on the Show, But in Some Place Shitty to Fountain that Doesn’t Exist Near Place That Looks Nothing Like the New York Public Library! Hooray!

And then, everyone lived Happily Ever After . . . or, at least, they would if there weren’t still about Ten More Minutes Left in the episode . . .

In Which Regina Embraces Her Inner Evil Queen (And by “Embraces” I Mean Pulls Her Out of Her Crotch and Subsequently Murders Her)

believe in you

believe in you 2

Throughout most of the episode, Regina’s been kind of bummed about the fact that she used to be a super villain and serial killer, and never really had to pay for her crimes, apart from having numerous dead boyfriends, having to wear less fashionable clothes, and experiencing a generalized feeling of Survivors Guilt whenever among her new friends, all of whom she attempted to have murdered at least once, throughout the course of the show.

So, rather than dealing with her guilt and taking responsibility for her actions like a rational adult would, Regina takes the easy way out, by taking Dr. Jekyll’s serum. This serum allows our erstwhile hero to remove the Evil Queen from her rental home inside Regina’s crotch, and crush the latter’s heart with her bear hands.

This tactic, of course, fails miserably. Now, not only is the Evil Queen freed from the confines of Regina’s crotch, she’s also completely heartless and out for revenge.

queen is back

queen is back 2

Speaking of folks who should have stayed buried inside the crotches of their better halves, Mr. Hyde somehow brokers a deal with Rumpel, so that he can take all his random new soon-to-be-one-episode-wonder fairytale characters from Still on the Show, but Someplace Shitty and move them to Storybrooke, which, P.S., thanks to Rumpel, Mr. Hyde now rules as . . . I guess . . . Mayor?

mine now

So, let that be a lesson to you folks: keep your pointy vanilla ice pop dildos away from your crotch, and your evil multiple personality disorders inside your crotch, where they both belong.

Until next season, Oncers!

 

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GAME OF THRONES: A Shaggydog Story (S6: Ep 3 Recap)

naked and adraid he is

This week, we bid farewell to the most adorable of Shaggydog(s) and the most odious of Olliepops. Also, Jon Snow has a small dong. Dany meets a Dothraki Regina George. And Bran realizes that playing Back to the Future could have Butterfly Effect consequences Ashton Kutcher never dreamed of!

Let’s review, shall we, Westeros?

[A special thanks to my pal Andre for what everyone knows is the best part of any recap . . . the pretty pictures]

Jon Snow: Naked, Afraid, and Not Quite As Well Endowed as We Had Hoped

Jon-Snow-Naked-Game-Thrones-Pictures

Jon Snow . . . no longer dead, but still very, very naked!

There is nothing like being murdered in cold blood, and awakened from the great beyond by a really, really ridiculously old lady to make you appreciate the importance of a good pair of pants.

Amazon.com__iSuperpants_Smart_Pants_undies_for_iPhone_4_4S_5__5S_Underwear_case_for_Smartphone_Protector___home_key_pants-leopard__Cell_Phones___Accessories

Or at least a nice pair of leopard undies!

When John first attempts to stand on his feet, he collapses instantly, and has to be positioned upright again by his old friend Davos. This is because Death can be hell on your physical fitness regimen. Fortunately for Jon Snow, being Dead also apparently does wonders for your six pack abs! Weird!

naked and afraid

Once Jon has acclimated himself to the World of the Living once again, Davos says to him, what we’ve all been thinking. (Or, at least, what we WOULD all be thinking, if we hadn’t been totally certain the GOT writers wouldn’t permanently kill off this very important character, with so much of their series still remaining . . .)

dead not dead 1

dead not dead 2

As for that religious nut, Melissandre, she, of course is most interested in learning whether there is, in fact, life after death . . . but not in the “Jon Snow was dead, now he’s alive” sense . . . more in the Heaven or Hell, sense.

lord let you come

To this Jon responds, “Girl, are you kidding? I just spent these past few days binge watching Girls on HBO. And if watching Lena Dunham get naked on screen and dance badly for hours on end while contemplating her navel isn’t enough to prove to you that Heaven just doesn’t exist, I don’t know what will.”

hannah dancing

This is actually what Hell Looks Like . . .

Eventually Jon emerges from his hidey hole to reveal his rebirth to his fellow Knights Watchmen (at least the ones who didn’t recently temporarily succeed in killing him) and erstwhile allies, the Wildlings. Tormund, my absolute favorite Wildling (sorry Ygritte and Gilly), approaches Jon first. Jon Snow’s rebirth from the grave and possible zombification does not scare Tormund. The ginger Wildling knows that his former friend is not evil. After all, Evil has a Big Penis, and Jon Snow, well . . . he has . . . a really nice smile . . .

pecker that smalll

Jon’s loyal confidant Ed is less certain. Though Jon’s eyes aren’t blue like the zombie white walkers, he does seem to be sporting a trait he never exhibited during his life time . . . a sense of humor.

hold off on burning

hold off two hold off three

And that’s a good thing, because when you have a small dong, being funny is the only shot you are ever going to have at getting laid . . .

Speaking of not being able to climax . . .

More Blue Balls for Bran

tower of joyless

This week’s flashbacks bring Bran to his father’s storied battle with the well-renown swordsman, Ser Arthur Dayne. We find a younger (hotter, gingerier) Ned’s Stark and his men, including Meera’s dad, Howland Reed, galloping toward the oddly named Tower of Joy to rescue Ned’s sis Lyanna from the “evil” clutches of one R. Targaryen.

fighting

Bran is surprised at how crappy his dad is at fighting in comparison to the Great Dayne (no pun intended). But, spoiler alert, he knows his father lives on at least long enough to give birth to a few spawn, start to resemble actor Sean Bean, and get his head chopped off by the Lannisters. The question is: how did Ned manage to beat a swordsman who was so much better than he?

The answer arrives not long into the flashback, when the presumed dead Howland rises to stab Dayne in the back, saving Ned from a fate of certain death.

Ouch! Ned Stark may have lost his head (literally) in the Game of Thrones, but, at least, up until this point, his honor was beyond reproach. Now, not so much . . .

But Ned has little time to ponder the morality of an unfair fight, as he hears the cries of his sister coming from on top of the Tower of Joy. Is Lyanna crying in agony? Is she crying in ecstasy? Is she giving birth to a baby Jon Snow, as many fans have suspected? Flashback Hot Ned rushes to find out, and Bran calls out to him, almost on impulse, because he’s just as curious as the rest of us as to what’s inside that tower.

There’s this odd moment when Ned appears to hear his son’s cries, and turns in their direction, causing us fans to wonder just how passive our young protagonist is during his milky-eyed warging jaunts. If people can see and interact with Bran, while he’s time traveling, can he change the future? Can he stop his dad from being beheaded, his older brother from being brutally murdered, his sister from being raped? Can he stop himself from becoming paralyzed from the waist down? The possibilities are endless.

father hello

hears

But those are all thoughts for later. Right now, Bran (and us viewers) REALLY want to get to the top of that tower! So, of course, you can count on that old dude in the tree to pull us back to dull flaccidity, just when we are about to come . . . to a satisfying conclusion.

Olenna to Cersei: “You Can’t Sit With Us!”

not cool

Meanwhile, over in Kings Landing, Cersei is also not getting any satisfaction. When she and Jamie try to sit on their own son’s King’s Council, that BAMF Olenna tosses them both enough SHADE to render them Vitamin D deficient for a lifetime. First, she chides them for not having a direct line to their son on the throne. Then, she plays the incest card, because, really, Cersei and Jamie just make it too easy. They even have the same haircut now!

bit confusion

But the absolute worst slap in the face for the Lannister twins comes when the entire King’s Council up and abandons them to have their meeting elsewhere. Cersei and Jamie, if Kings Landing was a Facebook page, you’ve both just been Bulk Unfriended!

cant sit

Speaking of massive dips in popularity . . .

Dothraki Widows to Dany: “On Wednesday’s we wear black . . . also Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays.”

regina g

When we last left Dany in Dothraki territory, she was busy learning the tough lesson that being the Mother of Dragons and having perpetually salon-styled hair, even in desert-level humidity, does little to help you make friends and influence people, especially when those people are the kind of people who eat horse hearts for shits and giggles. (But probably more of the former, than the latter, because Stallion hearts cause major indigestion . . . or so I hear.)

Dany-heart

pepto

 

When Dany first encounters the Dothraki widows, those nasty bullies strip her of her trademark blue gown, and replace it with a black dress. And I’m not talking about a little cute black dress either. I’m talking about a “your husband died, and now nobody should look at you like a sex object for all of eternity” black dress.

wtd

But being unpopular with the mean girls, and forced to dress like an uncool nun are the least of Dany’s problems. According to the head Dothraki widow (who kind of reminds me of what Regina George will look like in 35 years, after her fourth divorce, and twenty-fourth failed round of plastic surgery), Dany would be LUCKY to lead a sexless existence with the Dothraki ladyfolk. As it turns out, by leaving the Dothraki after Khal Drogo died in exchange for greener, dragonier pastures, Dany has broken an oath, and the punishment for such oathbreaking may very well be death . . .

In Which We Finally Figure Out Who Those Friggin Birds Are that Varys is Always Talking About

Speaking of oathbreakers, while a bored Tyrion attempts to convince his teetotaling pals, Greyworm and Missandrei to engage him in a raucous round of “Never Have I Ever,” Varys, thanks to his “little birds” has managed to track down a conspirator of the Sons of the Harpy, who he offers passage to freedom, in exchange for who happens to be funding them.

history of world

convos in elegant

 

The traitorous snitch reveals that the Sons are funded by not one, not two, but three of Mereen’s neighboring cities. Varys is going to need a lot of birds to put down a rebellion like that.

mad var

Fortunately, Varys’ little birds just so happen to be the cast of Sesame Street, so there are literally thousands of them at his disposal.

birds

Unfortunately, Cersei has found those birds too, and has decided to use them to be her own spies in Kings Landing. This way, she can have her zombie friend, the Mountain, continue to murder anyone who has the gall to speak against her.

want birds

Looks like little birds may not be enough for Varys to get what he wants this time. This seems like a job for a Big Bird!

big bird

In Which the Actor Who Plays Sam Tarley Perfects His Vomit Noises On Camera

sam and gilly

For those of you who felt like there wasn’t nearly enough puke on Game of Thrones, there’s an entire scene dedicated completely to Samwell Tarley’s seasick upchucks! Apparently, Sam is on a boat headed first, to his childhood home to drop of Gilly and her baby for safekeeping, and then, to Old Town, where he will learn to become a Maester.

At first, Gilly is cross with Sam for making her and her kid go to his boring house with the Durstleys, rather than cool Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Maester-dry. But ultimately she relents, because Sam is her family. And family members don’t blame you for puking on their only pair of shoes, and shipping them off to the worst chapters in every Harry Potter book, while they go off on their Gryffindor adventures with Ron and Hermione. They just don’t.

The Eyes Have It!

once was blind

Over at Burgerless White Castle, we get to watch Blind Arya get the crap beat out of her repeatedly by that red-head chick for the third week in a row! But this week, things are different, now Arya gets to get the crap beat out of her by a red-head chick, while reciting the Cliff Notes version of the Arya-stark centric chapters of the first few Game of Thrones books, and sniffing pots.

When Arya is done doing this Jagen Hgar rewards her by letting her drink from the fountain that kills people. (If I were Arya, I would have probably asked for some chicken nuggets and fries instead of the Death Water. But that’s probably because I’m not NO ONE, I’m just a nobody blogger with a hankering for fast food.) Arya is apparently NO ONE, however, and the death water actually succeeds in helping her to regain her vision.

drinks

sees

Thank goodness. Now, we maybe we won’t have to watch her get beat up so much, anymore!

Please Stop Killing All The Adorable Direwolves on This Show!

got em

Meanwhile, over in Winterfell, the new Lord Bolton, Ramsey, is convening with the Carstarks. They are much like the actual Starks, only Car-ier, also way bigger dicks. To prove this, one of the Carstarks offers Ramsey the gift of Rickon Stark and Meera, who have been missing for roughly a gagillion seasons . . . i.e. long enough for Rickon Stark to turn into Justin Bieber.

rickon defiant

“How do I know that this is actually Rickon Stark, and not just some boy bander, you plucked off the concert circuit?” Ramsey wonders out loud.

Carstark then offers Ramsey the head of Rickon’s direwolf, Shaggydog, who is now looking way less like Shaggydog, and way more like Decapitated Dog.

surprised monkey

 

What the heck? Carstark, you prick! What did the Justin Bieber Lokalike’s direwolf ever do to you?

You know what direwolf murderers like you deserve? You deserve to be OLLIEPOPPED!

Please Continue Murdering All The Little Shits Like Olliepop on This Show!

olly pop

carlton dance

Back at the Wall, Jon Snow is about to prove to us viewers for the second time since this show started that we are terrible human beings. Remember that time when that little shit Joffrey got poisoned, and his face turned all purple, and he died a terrible, horrible death, and then his parents boned on his casket, and we all cheered so much?

dead joff

Orphan-Black-DAnce

Well, GOT fans, I present to you, Little Shit Death 2: Electric Boogaloo.

It’s time for Jon to hang those asshats who stabbed him to death last season. There are only five guys strung up for all to see, even though I distinctly remember more people than that doing the stabbing. Perhaps, GOT needed to conserve its hanging people budget for more scenes with the dragons . . .

Before Jon kills his betrayers, he diplomatically offers them all the opportunity to give their last words. Thorne, even facing his own demise, remains self-righteous to the end in his insistence that he made the right decision by killing Jon, which I weirdly respect. Olliepop on the other hand, that little shit, just has this constipated look on his face the whole time, and says nothing.

So, when Jon hangs them all with one fell swipe of the sword, of course, it’s Little Shit Olliepop’s purple wide-eyed corpse face the camera lingers on for a full five minutes, before the camera cuts to something else. It’s positively glorious. And those of you who say you didn’t enjoy watching it are lying to yourselves.

It makes Jon Snow sad though, because Jon Snow is a way better person than I am. This is probably why, when I go, there for sure, won’t be any old lady washing my naked body, and bringing ME back from the great beyond.

cloak

When it’s all over, Jon offers Edd his cloak, and leaves Castle Black for good, claiming, “My watch has ended,” which, for any of you planning to quit your job in the near future, is pretty much the coolest phrase to say, while doing it.

watch ended

A few fans have sagely pointed out that while Watchers on the Wall pledge their lives to Castle Black, Jon Snow’s “death” offered him up a pretty nifty loophole to save him from this fate.

So, what is next for Jon Snow, you wonder? Only Big Bird knows . . .

bamf

Until next time, Westeros!

Cross posted at Happy Nice Time People.com

[Shameless self promotion alert: Do you like stories with snark? Romance? Friendship? Awkward sexual encounters? Vengeance? Drag queens? Puppies with two wheels for back legs? If so, please feel free to check out my new novel, Snarky Goes to Hollywood. It’s only a $1 on Kindle, Folks … the same amount of money you occasionally give homeless people on the street, when you can no longer avoid making eye contact with them .]

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ONCE UPON A TIME: The Dead Boyfriend’s Club (Recap- S5: Ep 21)

hook graveside

You get a Dead Boyfriend! And you get a Dead Boyfriend! And you get a Dead Boyfriend!

This week, the writers of Once celebrate Mother’s Day, by murdering a handful of the show’s menfolk. Because, in Storybrook, girls run the world, and boys are just there to look pretty.

It’s feminism at its finest, ladies. Let’s review, shall we . . .

Like a Bridge Over Troubled Waters . . . I Will Kill Someone For No Good Reason

take my baby please

No flashback in this episode . . . possibly because the killing of pretty boys is way too time consuming to waste minutes on silly things, like context and fairytale morals that have relevance in modern day life.

We pick up the episode right where last week’s left off. Hades and Zelena have just arrived in Storybrook from the Underworld. So, they decide to go for a “romantic stroll” on a bridge, while they wait for their “friends,” the Heroes, to arrive back home.

“I’m so thrilled that I get to be a good person on this show now, despite being The Absolute Worst for three seasons, because I’m a woman. And all female villains on this show (except Cruella?) get redemption, while all male villains get to be douchenozzles for life, unless they happen to be really, really, ridiculously good looking,” explains Zelena excitedly, as she cradles her newborn baby, who hasn’t had a diaper change in about three months.

Speaking of douchenozzles, Hades is so obviously still one of their number. But Zelena is completely oblivious to this, despite having been a villain herself up until about two minutes earlier. (Perhaps, Zelena has simply been rendered virtually comatose, by Hades painfully . . . slow . . . manner . . . of . . . speaking, and, therefore, is not actually awake, during most of this episode.)

hades head

“Please hold my baby, Lord of the Underworld / Possible Devil Worshipper, while I go for a frolic around town. That’s what good people do on this show right? Frolic and read books without words in them to solve all their problems?” Zelena asks.

“I wouldn’t know, because I’m a terrible human being, who wants to murder everyone in this entire town,” responds Hades (really, really, slowly), while he sizes up Zelena’s baby for a virgin sacrifice.

“What?” Zelena inquires.

couple of

“I said please go, because your baby is peeing, and she wouldn’t want to see you frown,” answers Hades.

“That makes no sense,” posits Zelena.

“I know . . . because . . . I . . . am . . . also . . . a . . . terrible . . . liar,” answers Hades.

“OK, well . . . bye!” Zelena says, as she skips away, because, apparently, heroes not only frolic, they skip too.

Once Zelena is gone, King Arthur conveniently rushes onto the scene in handcuffs. Apparently, he’s had a jailbreak or something. “Hi, my name is King Arthur. I’m a terrible person, who turned my wife into a Stepford Doofus, and have just questionable enough morals to become your ally,” explains Arthur.

arthur 1

“Hi, I’m Hades. I’m going to kill you, and villain monologue that it has something to do with my Master Plan to Rule Storybrooke, even though what, exactly, your death has to do with my plans for world domination is never really made clear, in the context of the episode. In fact, you actually end up helping the heroes kill me. I guess the writers just felt like the fans were not intelligent enough to see that I’m not a nice person, and needed it beat into their brains for the thousandth time.”

So Hades murders King Arthur in broad daylight on the bridge. And his wife Gwynnie is stuck alive, and presumably still a Stepford Doofus because of magic, only with no husband to be a Stepford Doofus toward. I wonder if this dangling plotline will ever be addressed. Who am I kidding? I know it won’t be . . .

stepford

Hook and King Arthur . . . Like Thelma and Louise, Only with More Facial Hair

thelma and louise

Shortly thereafter, in the Underworld, Hook breaks the news to King Arthur that he’s dead, and that his wife has become a Stepford Doofus-y dangling plotline. “The good news is, if you help me stop Hades, you will probably get to go to Heaven, instead of Hell,” offers Hook.

“But if I’m a basically crap person who is only helping you, because I’m afraid to go to Hell, and not because it’s the right thing to do, doesn’t that mean I still kind of deserve to go to Hell?” King Arthur posits wisely.

“Meh,” Hook responds, shrugging his shoulders. “Cora got to go to Heaven, just for being nice to her reformed villain kids for all of five seconds. You are going to get at least five minutes of ‘being nice’ screen time! That’s going to make your getting into Heaven shoe in. Because, apparently, Heaven is like a really crappy college that’s on the verge of bankruptcy. It’ll take anybody!”

Hook explains to King Arthur that in order to help the folks in Storybrooke to murder Hades, they need to find the pages of the book that include the pictures of how to kill him. (And only pictures, because, remember, no one in Storybrooke can read.) “If I had something I didn’t want anyone to find, I’d hide it in the place no one would want to look,” explains King Arthur.

“Inside your toilet bowl?” Hook inquires wrinkling his nose.

your opinion

My throne,” King Arthur corrects.

“Same difference,” responds Hook, before digging inside Hades’ “throne” to find the pictoral instruction manual on how to murder him.

Hook and Arthur want to use the Underworld phone to “haunt” Emma with the information on how to kill Hades, but Cruella has taken it down. Fortunately, Hook has another bright idea. “I’ll find the Once Upon a Time picture book, and put the pages in there, which will make them automatically appear in Emma’s version of the book, because the Once Upon a Time picture book is apparently a metaphor for the internet, where everything you type appears instantaneously all over the world, even if you really, really don’t want it to do so.”

the book

Unfortunately, the “Internet” is surrounded by a river of sperm (MORE METAPHORS!). And a couple of giant sperm men try to fondle King Arthur, while Hook is getting the Internet / Book. Fortunately, Hook saves King Arthur from being raped by sperm. Then, King Arthur, in turn, saves the book from suffering a similar spermy fate. See, King Arthur is nice guy today! He totally doesn’t deserve to go to Hell for turning an entire kingdom into Stepford Doofuses!

Then, the white lights appear, and Hook informs King Arthur they both can go to Heaven now. “Meh,” responds King Arthur. “I’d much prefer to be King of this sh*thole, because power is way more important to me than Salvation. Also, because this red camera lens filter does wonderful things to my skintone.”

So, Hook moves on alone. The question is to where?

Fractured Fairytale . . . Characters

still in pain

Meanwhile, back in Storybrooke, no one can figure out how to kill Hades, because Hook hasn’t posted the pictures on the Internet/ Book yet. Emma just wants to go in guns blazing, but everyone else thinks that’s a bad idea, because she’s so “fragile” after Hook’s death. We know that Emma is “fragile,” because she’s wearing her hair in a ponytail and isn’t wearing makeup. (Apparently, this means that I am “fragile” right now, so you can’t trust anything that I type.)

so sorry

Also at odds are Robin and Regina, because Regina thought it was totally cool to give Robin’s daughter to the Lord of the Underworld and the Wicked Witch of the West for safekeeping. “My sister is a good person now,” Regina insists. “Remember that time last week, when she gave me a hug and didn’t use it as an opportunity to stab me in the back with a knife? That means she’s a saint!”

When Regina and Robin confront Zelena about the Lord of the Underworld still being a douchenozzle, Zelena refuses to listen to reason, and then disappears in a cloud of green fart like a petulant child. So, Robin and Regina are forced to break into Regina’s old office and kidnap Robin’s child back for him.

Back at the office, Hades informs Zelena that he will protect their “family” from their enemies using something called “The Olympian Crystal,” which is supposedly an all powerful object, even though it looks like a vanilla ice pop that has been left in the sun too long.

using the crystal

How to Get Away with the Murder of a Greek god

Over at the library, Emma has gotten “the posting” from Hook on how to kill Hades. SURPRISE! It’s by using the same vanilla ice pop that Hades introduced minutes ago.

So, she goes to Regina’s office, and starts shooting her lighting fingers at it to break in.

At the same time, Regina and Robin are also breaking in to steal back Robin’s baby, but not before they kiss and make up from the whole “I gave your baby to the worst people on the planet” little snit they had moments ago. “You are my future,” says Robin to Regina, before sucking face with her outside her old office.

pre death

Uh Oh! In case you didn’t know, the line “You are my future” is the fairytale equivalent to “I’ll be right back,” and “I’m drunk and have big boobs. Please, take my virginity” in horror movies.

Say these lines, and you are pretty much etching your own tombstone.

david nolan

Long story slightly less long: Hades finds Regina and Robin Hood taking back their baby, and Hades decides to use his vanilla ice pop to kill Regina. We know Hades is about to do this, because he announces it . . . very . . . slowly. This gives Robin Hood more than enough time to step in front of Regina and take the . . . ice pop for her.

looking at baby

Death by ice pop = better than Death by Giant Sperm, which means that Robin Hood won the murder the lottery this season. Good for you, Guy! Sorry about the whole “being dead” thing.

to heaven

Zelena, who has been fighting outside with Emma, up to this point, enters the office in time to find her sister crouched crying over Regina’s lifeless body, and Hades, brandishing his ice pop. She puts two and two together and finally realizes, hey, maybe my boyfriend isn’t such a nice guy after all.

A skirmish ensues and Zelena ultimately ends up getting control of the ice pop. Now, she must make a decision, murder her sister or murder the douchenozzle who represents her only chance at ever getting laid again. Zelena ends up killing douchenozzle Hades, which is good for humanity, but possibly bad for her vajayjay. Hades turns into a puddle of ash on the floor, which is also not as bad as turning into giant sperm . . .

Then, she and Regina comfort one another over their mutual dead boyfriends.

cry for eachother

Zeus is Super Scrawny and Why Theme-Funerals are the Best Funerals Ever

ONCE UPON A TIME - "Last Rites" - Emma, David, Regina, Robin and Henry are finally back home in Storybrooke and reunited with Snow, but, unfortunately, they still have to contend with Hades, who continues to deceive Zelena as he lays out his plan to use the all-powerful Olympian Crystal to take over the town. The heroes desperately search for a way to defeat Hades while Hook does the same in the Underworld, looking for those missing storybook pages. Regina and Robin take a more direct approach, which culminates in an epic showdown that will leave our heroes forever changed, on "Once Upon a Time," SUNDAY, MAY 8 (8:00-9:00 p.m. EST), on the ABC Television Network. (ABC/Jack Rowand) BEVERLEY ELLIOTT, MICHAEL P. NORTHEY, JASON BURKART, FAUSTINO DI BAUDA, RAPHAEL ALEJANDRO, MICHAEL COLEMAN, GINNIFER GOODWIN, JOSH DALLAS, MIG MACARIO

Back in not-Storybrooke, Hook finds himself in a place that seems like it might be Heaven, because its bathed in white light, and there is a very skinny boy there wearing a dress. I don’t know about you folks, but I always pictured Heaven as a place for cross-dressers. The skinny boy informs Hook that he’s Zeus, which is probably the most underwhelming news I’ve heard, since I learned that Froot Loops are all actually the same flavor, despite being different colors. (It’s true!)

Zeus is super thankful to Hook for helping to kill his brother, Hades and shows his gratitude by escorting Hook back to . . . guess. Is it?

a) Heaven

b) Storybrooke

c) the Peter Pan ride at Disney World

Speaking of Storybrooke, the whole gang gathers for Robin Hood’s funeral, and it’s themed! All the guests get a bow and arrow with a rose on it, and get to lay it on the coffin one by one. I love the idea of theme funeral! How fun . . . though, personally I probably would have gone with a 1920’s theme, or maybe Ancient Egyptian.

At the funeral, Zelena sweetly informs Regina that she will be naming her baby daughter after Robin, because unisex names are all the rage today. Also because it is customary for all the dead boyfriends on this show to get a baby named after them.

run to hook

reunited

Speaking of Dead Boyfriends, Hook is back! He and Emma share a tearfully heartfelt reunion over Robin’s coffin, which is adorable, but kind of adds a bit of insult to injury for Regina, don’t you think? Then again, maybe it’s for the best. Naming a newborn baby Hook, pretty much guarantees she will grow up to be the serial killer from I Know What You Did Last Summer . . .

In Rumpel News . . .

Rumpel sort of had his own sideplot, this week, where he tried to get Belle’s dad to kiss his daughter, and wake her up from her self-imposed sleeping curse. But Belle’s dad said no, because he’d rather have his daughter and her unborn child spend all eternity in a coma, than have her live with a Bad Boyfriend. Perhaps, this is why the ladies on this show make all the major decisions. Storybrooke men are clearly morons.

At the end of the episode, Rumpel digs his finger into Hades’ ashes and brings up a piece of vanilla ice pop, which has not only traversed the innards of two dead boyfriends, it’s also been on the ground for more than five seconds. That means, you can’t eat it Rumpel!

ice pop cometh

The ice pop cometh!

Until next time, Oncers!

Cross posted at Happy Nice Time People.Com

[Shameless self promotion alert: Do you like stories with snark? Romance? Friendship? Awkward sexual encounters? Vengeance? Drag queens? Puppies with two wheels for back legs? If so, please feel free to check out my new novel, Snarky Goes to Hollywood. It’s only a $1 on Kindle, Folks … the same amount of money you occasionally give homeless people on the street, when you can no longer avoid making eye contact with them .]

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Game of Thrones: Please, Don’t Eat the Help! ( Recap S 6: Ep 2)

dragon meeting

This week on Game of Thrones, Jon Snow LIVES! Roose Bolton DIES! Tyrion doesn’t get eaten by dragons. And Hodor expands his vocabulary, sort of. One of the benefits of posting a late recap, is I can spoil big plot points right off the bat, while only feeling mildly guilty about doing it.

So, let’s do it, Westeros!

[A very special shout-out and thanks to my spectacular screencap provider / friend Andre. He alone has the power to make Jon Snow’s naked corpse-like torso shine like the top of the Chrysler Building!]

Bran-Tastic!

warg

Bran’s back, you guys!

cersei eye roll

Wait! Don’t leave! It’s a good storyline, this time, I promise . . . well, I mean, it’s a slightly better storyline than the Uber Depressing, Nature Walks with the Permanently Disabled of seasons past!

So, Bran’s doing that thing he does, where his eyes get all milky, and he gets to see stuff through the mind of a bird, or a wolf, or a blade of grass or something. This time, he gets to be a flesh and blood real boy! Oh Pinocchio would be so proud!

with legs

Bran Stark . . . now with even more usable legs!

Bran’s LSD tripping travels this week take him back to his father’s childhood at Winterfell. Bran’s uncle is there! Also, Bran’s sassy dead aunt on his dad’s side, Lyanna (. . . not to be confused with his creepy dead aunt on his mom’s side, Lysa, who breast fed her kid until he was like 20, loved Littlefinger and got thrown to her death from something called a “moon door). P.S. Start using different letters than “L” and “M” to name your second-tier female characters, George R.R. Martin!

sassy

dying lysa

But Bran’s real find on his Virtual Reality for the Middle Ages journey is a then-fully communicative young Hodor. What happened to him to make him lose all his words? Did he fall off a very high horse and hit his head really hard? Did he experience something so traumatic that it robbed him of his capacity for speech? Did he watch the scenes of Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy one too many times?

hdoo

hodor

The world may never know . . . or at least they won’t find out this week.

Fun-Fun with Wun-Wun

So, do you remember that scene from last season, when the Wildings are battling the White Walkers, and a real scary looking one latches itself onto the Giant, Wun-Wun’s neck, and Wun-Wun swats it off its body, like it’s nothing more than a pesky fly? Now, imagine what a guy like that could do with a troop of wimpy, non-magical power having, Jon Snow murdering, cowardly traitors?

wun-wun

For those of you (like me), who’ve been wondering how long it would be for Jon Snow’s allies, Davos and Edd, to seek the help of the Wildings in avenging the “death” of Jon Snow, you all got your wish this week! Just when it seems like Team #Dead Jon Snow (including Ghost) is a total goner, holed up in a small room with limited weapons and manpower, as Thorne’s Knights Watchmen gradually bash down the door that’s keeping them protected, in walk the Wildings, led by Wun-Wun and kickass Ginger Dude Tormund, to crash this party. (Jon’s ill-fated lady love, Ygritte, for sure would be loving this!)

ygritte

“Kill those douche nozzles, Wun-Wun and Tormund. Kill them hard! Especially that little rodent, Ollie!”

As Wun-Wun starts boredly tossing those Knight’s Watch Weiners into the Castle Wall (Please toss that little sh*t Ollie! Please toss that little sh*t Ollie!), these men, who are supposedly ensuring the safety of Westeros, start running away like little b*tches, which, by the way, says very little about the “military of Westeros.” I don’t know about you guys, but I’d absolutely prefer Wun-Wun and the Wildings to watch over me at night, rather than these backstabbing losers . . .

done

Ultimately, the Wildings and those Knights Watchmen Still Loyal to Jon Snow gain the upper hand, and all the asshat Front-Stabbers of Jon Snow (including that little sh*t Ollie – YEAH!!!) get dragged away like the mangy dogs they are.

But who will lead this rag tag crew filled with men and one Giant, whose name rhymes with Fun-Fun? Davos has an idea . . .

idea davos

“Sup Melissandre?” Asks Davos, later that evening.

Melissandre is wearing her necklace now. So, Davos is looking at her like she’s a late thirty something hot chick, as opposed to the Estelle Getty character from The Golden Girls. mixed with The Crypt Keeper that we all now know her to be.

crypt

“I’m sexy and I know it.”

“You seem like the kind of girl who does creepy things, like drink poison for sh*ts and giggles, and pull murderous black shadow babies out of your hoo-hah. Do you think you could maybe amorously wash the corpse of a definitely dead sexy man, until he comes back to life, and subsequently leads us all toward World Domination?”

“Maybe,” replies Melissandre, noncommittally.

Well . . . it isn’t a “no!”

F*ck Everyone Who Isn’t the Lannisters!

Jamie’s inspirational (not to mention aspirational . . . especially, considering the fact that Jamie may well never have actually f*&ked someone who “wasn’t a Lannister” before) comes into play, in earnest, this week, when The Mountain stomps around town murdering anyone who has the gall to speak ill of Cersei Lannister. He even kills the drunken lout, who unconvincingly brags to his friends about boning Cersei immediately after her naked walk of shame. (Because nothing makes you super horny, like utter humiliation, am I right ladies? *insert eyeroll here*)

mountainn dont take that

Feminists come in all shapes and sizes . . .

And yet, all is not well in Kings Landing. For starters, King Tommen is not letting Cersei attend the private funeral viewing of her own daughter! (And we all remember how much fun Cersei had at the funeral viewing of her last dead kid!)

corpse sex

Speaking of funeral sex, Cersei’s lover Jamie is not fairing much better. His not-so-thinly veiled threats to murder the High Sparrow, for tearing apart his family and ruining its (well not exactly “good,” but not nearly as bad as, say, the Bolton’s, because they are the ABSOLUTE WORST) name, crashes and burns, when the High Sparrow brings all his fellow cult followers to the fight. And Jamie One Hand finds himself to be not so much of a match for them.

face off

“Can’t we just get along and have sex on top of this corpse instead?”

In slightly better Lannister news, mother and son, Cersei and Tommen, eventually make amends with one another, when Tommen begs Cersei for help him to become a stronger ruler. Now, Cersei, herself, is far from someone I would call, the ideal queen. (I’d still vote for her over Donald Trump though.) But hey, if Cersei can get Tommen to do something on this show aside from play with his pussy, that would be a big help, plotline wise.

father mother

Pussy CAT . . . I mean . . . obviously, I meant his pussy cat.😉

tommen with cat

Dungeons and Dragons and Drunk Dwarves, Oh My!

what am i nuts

A word of advice for any of you out there planning on adopting some pet dragons from your local animal shelter. Dragons don’t like being chained up! In fact, chaining up your dragons will give them a permanent case of the sads.

sad drag

And you don’t want your pet dragons to be sad, do you? So, what if they eat you, the second they find themselves unharnessed? Isn’t it worth losing your head (which you weren’t using anyway) and other random body parts, for the love of fire-breathing reptiles?

With Mereen in utter turmoil and Dany nowhere to be found, Drunk Tyrion somehow gets the “amazing” idea to free Dany’s dragons, in the hope that this will make the recently conquered land appear more formidable to its enemies.

drink and know things

“The dragons will like me,” insists Tyrion, when questioned as to whether he’s the least bit worried that he is about to become dragon food, during his noble Free the Reptiles quest. “Everybody likes me. I’m small, and snarky, and I get all the best one-liners on the show!”

Tyrion sure seems confident enough, when he’s chatting with his fellow councilmen, but when he’s alone with the two not-so-baby dragons in the dark, with nothing but a small torch to protect him, it’s clear that the dwarf is beginning to doubt himself.

cool

“I’m here to help you. Please don’t eat the help,” Tyrion pleads, as he gently removes the shackles from the first dragon.

And, wouldn’t you know it, the darn thing actually doesn’t eat Tyrion, when he has the chance!

But then something really amazing happens! The second dragon, actually bends his neck toward Tyrion to HELP the dwarf remove HIS shackles too. It’s a downright sweet, and almost loyal, puppy-like thing for a dragon to do.

Could this mean that the long-held fan theory that Tyrion has Targaryen blood is actually true? Or do dragons just really find drunk men the size of small children to be just as hilarious as the rest of us do?

Whatever the reason that the dragons are merciful to Tyrion, the deceptively courageous dwarf isn’t about to engage in a repeat performance anytime soon. “Next time I decide to do something like that, please punch me in the face,” the littlest Lannister insists to Varys, as he leaves the now-free dragons behind him.

tyrion-dancing-top

 

Well, I’ll drink to that!

Burgers for the Blind Beggar

follow me

Another day, another beat-down for Blind Arya by that b*tchy red head who works with her at Burgerless White Castle. But this time, something different happens afterwards. Jaagen Hgar offers Arya food, a bed, and her sight back, but only if she reveals her “true name.”

beat up by ging

“I have no name. I am nobody,” Arya continually insists, like the good little student / Possible Scientologist she has become. “Except, Tom Cruise. I might be him.”

“Well played, Arya Wan Kenobie, A++,” responds Jaagen. “For your efforts, come back to Burgerless White Castle with me for the night. I can’t feed you a burger, because we are burgerless, obviously. But I’ll feed you a dead rat, and some folks tell me that the two taste exactly the same.

Way to give up your originality for a Scooby Snack, Arya! Your brutally murdered parents must be so proud!

It’s a Dog Eat Baby World Out There!

Ramsey Bolton is bummed. Having been a bastard child all his life, he’s always been the Jan Brady of his frightening family.

Ramsey Snow

06

But then he learns that his father’s wife has given him a legitimate male heir to the throne! This demotes Ramsey even further down the Bolton pedigree. Now, he’s no better than Cousin Friggin Oliver! And nobody likes a Cousin Oliver!

oliver-gif

So Ramsey does what any vaguely ignored child would do in his situation . . . he brutally stabs his father in the gut, then feeds his step mother and brand new little half brother to hungry dogs.

dead roose

“I prefer to be an only child,” explains Ramsey, in apparent justification for his unspeakable actions.

It’s the first thing this psychopath ever said with which I actually agreed . . . ONLY CHILDREN RULE!

Reek, No More! (Because you can shower in the snow!)

Sansa, Podrick and Brienne are headed to Castle Black, where they hope that Sansa’s half sibling, Jon Snow, will lend her protection from the Boltons’ murderous intents and generalized rapey grossness. Theon’s invited too, but he’s not coming. “I cannot make amends to your family for the things I’ve done,” he admits.

crying theon

(Fortunately, for Theon, most of Sansa’s family has already been brutally murdered, so there isn’t really anybody left alive to judge him for his crimes.)

Nonetheless, Theon wishes to leave Sansa and Co., and, instead, return home to his own awful family who hates him so. But hey, at least the Greyjoys aren’t as bad as the Lannisters or the Boltons. Don’t get me wrong, GOTers, they are almost as bad, but only bad enough to receive the Bronze Medal of Despicability, not Silver or Gold.

hugging

The good thing about being a guy formerly known as Reek, and traveling to a water-logged town like the one of his birth, is that there are always a multitude of new and exciting places to shower. This means, you can always prevent yourself from smelling like a barnyard animal, when trying to charm the ladies, which is super important, if you ever want to get laid ever again, in spite of the whole “no cock and balls” thing . . .

The Bridge of Kerplop

on the bridgee

Back at Theon’s birth home, Balon Greyjoy is being a dick to his daughter, as per usual. When he tires of doing that, he decides to go for a walk on the most poorly constructed bridge of all time, in the midst of what appears to be a pretty bad storm, since Greyjoys are SUPER SMART! It is there that his own brother unceremoniously tosses the old dude off the bridge into the watery depths, because, much like most of the characters on this show, Balon’s brother is a terrible person.

Then again, maybe he just wanted to prove the long-held rumor that really, really, ridiculously old men could fly?

You Know Nothing About Vampires and Zombies, Jon Snow!

rise wolf

Speaking of really, really ridiculously old people, Melissandre has agreed to help bring Jon Snow back from the dead. In about two seconds of screentime, we know exactly why! Apparently, in this world, “awaking the dead” involves flirtatiously wetting all their erogenous zones with a washcloth, and cutting their hair. Sounds like a blast to me!

wash and waaiting

Though, in all honesty, I can’t imagine how actor Kit Harrington managed to keep a straight “dead” face through it all. I mean, seriously could you imagine how many takes it would muster to complete that scene, if poor Kit were the least bit ticklish to the touch . . . or worse, if he got a Corpse Boner? Rigor Mortis anyone?

she can do it

Anywhoo, when Melissandre is finished haphazardly bathing Dead Jon, and he still seems dead as a doornail (though cleaner and with a way better haircut than he’s had in four seasons) she dejectedly goes back to her room to take off her necklace and re-Golden Girl herself. Tormund, Davos and Edd stick around a bit longer, but, eventually they too give up hope that Dead Jon will come back to life as an evil zombie, who will murder them all in their sleep. So, they head to bed as well.

But then, Ghost, who has been rudely napping throughout this entire, vaguely pornographic, resurrection, abruptly awakens and stares at his human alter ego, Jon Snow. Could this mean that . . .?

Yep, it can! Seconds later, JON SNOW IS ALIVE and gasping for air. The only problem is that he’s super super pale. Do you think they have tanning beds over at Castle Black?

arise

“I don’t know about you, but I could really go for some White Castle burgers right about now.”

Until next time, Westeros!

[Shameless self promotion alert: Do you like stories with snark? Romance? Friendship? Awkward sexual encounters? Vengeance? Drag queens? Puppies with two wheels for back legs? If so, please feel free to check out my new novel, Snarky Goes to Hollywood. It’s only a $1 on Kindle, Folks … the same amount of money you occasionally give homeless people on the street, when you can no longer avoid making eye contact with them .]

Cross posted at Happy Nice Time People.com.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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ONCE UPON A TIME: Get Out of Hell Free Card (Recap S5: Ep 20)

"Now what the heck are we supposed to do for two more episodes?" "Disney World, anyone?"

“Now what the heck are we supposed to do for two more episodes?”
“Disney World, anyone?”

This week on Once, all the disjointed plot points line up in just the right way for everybody to conveniently get out of the Underworld . . . well, everybody except the guy they went in to get in the first place. Also, we learn the true inspiration behind Emma’s fashion choices.

It’s time to finally cash in that “Get Out of Hell Free” card, we’ve been holding on to all season long. Let’s do it, Oncers!

Crimes of Fashion

finding her

The year is 2009. The world economy is in the crapper. Twilight: New Moon is in theaters. And Emma Swan is still in the throes of her Emo Glasses and a Ponytail phase of life. When we meet up with Emma, she’s hanging around some fast food joint near where Snow White and Prince Charming abandoned her, by putting her inside a tree with a guy suffering from a rare disease that causes the wrong part of his body to grow when he’s thinking naughty thoughts.

pinocchio-970x545

Emma is hoping maybe the people at the fast food joint might remember her parents from 26-years ago, when they abandoned her ass. Apparently, Emma has never worked in fast food. If she had, she’d know that it’s hard enough to remember whether the person in front of you wanted just lettuce and tomato on her burger or onions too, let alone what terrible parents frequented the joint 26 years ago. And that’s assuming any of the same people still work there from back then!

sad_hamburger_poster-p228451572348564750qzz0_400

A hip looking middle-aged lady seems creepily sympathetic to Emma’s lost cause, waxing poetic about how “young and beautiful” our protagonist happens to be. But then, just when you think the older lady is going to ask Emma out on a date, she not so subtly lets her know that she’s a bail bondsperson, tasked with collecting Emma and bringing her back to Arizona, where our plucky heroine had apparently recently skipped bail.

This, bail bondsperson, named Cleo Fox, is clearly not very good at her job, otherwise she would have handcuffed Emma, right when she was sitting across from her at the fast food table, rather than eye sexing her for three minutes, and then allowing Emma to get a running head start away from her. Cleo does eventually manage to catch Emma though. Then, she brings her back to her hotel room and chains her to the radiator, while she showers and “changes into something more comfortable.”

Damn, this flashback is getting kinkier than I thought!

Left to her own devices, Emma easily frees herself of her handcuffs, and rifles through Cleo’s stuff, finding some cash, and a picture of a little girl named “Tasha” taken in 1999. Also nearby is a computer conveniently left on a Stalk People for Free website. Suddenly, a lightbulb goes off in Emma’s head. Maybe she can use the Stalk People for Free website to find her no goodnick parents. Emma briefly considers the fact that she can also use it to check up on HER son, who she gave birth to in jail, and then gave up for adoption eight years ago. But meh! Kids are boring!

ouat 4.2 henry 2

Emma somehow convinces Cleo to spend the day with her engaged in the futile task of searching court records for her parents, before Emma returns to the authorities in Arizona. This is likely either because Cleo is a moron. Or, she’s super attracted to Emma, and is also a moron.

Emma’s trip to the court house is predictably fruitless, as public records about NOT REAL fairytale characters have always been a bit lacking. “You should buy yourself a nice bright colored leather coat, so you don’t have to think about how sh*tty your parents are,” suggests Cleo.

“Why would a stupid coat make me forget that I was abandoned by my parents 26-years ago, spent my life in the foster system, and was turned to a life of crime?”

“I don’t know,” shrugs Cleo. “Something about the toxic fumes from the paint used to dye the leather causing a very specific type of brain damage. It’s the reason I keep allowing you to drag me around on these wild goose chases against my better judgment. The parts of my brain that deal with emotions and logical reasoning have decayed to basically nothing by now.”

Speaking of brain damage, Emo Emma must have been inhaling some of the toxic fumes in Cleo’s leather jacket, because she leaves the hotel in the middle of the night, to BREAK INTO THE COURTHOUSE and read the exact same records she just found a few hours ago, again. Cleo wakes up and heads to the courthouse to find her, and they somehow both end up being chased by the cops. Rather than telling the cops that she was only on the scene to perform a citizen’s arrest on Emma, Cleo inexplicably jumps out a two story glass window to evade “capture,” and then appears surprised, ten minutes later, when she finds a lethal shard of glass in her abdomen.

(Let that be a lesson to you kiddies, drugs and leather paint fumes are bad for you! Wear cotton!)

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With her dying breaths, Cleo conveniently admits that the child in the picture in her wallet is the kid that SHE abandoned years ago. “Interesting,” responds Emma to dying Cleo. “I have a kid too, and I won’t give a sh*t about him for another three years.”

Shortly after Cleo’s death, Emma takes a job as a bailbonds person, herself, and uses all her good stalker software to track down Cleo’s daughter at where she works: a clothing store that specializes in leather jackets that cause brain damage. “Hi Cleo’s daughter,” Emma begins. “I was directly responsible for your mom’s death, but here’s a folder filled with stuff about her, you probably could have found yourself on Google. By the way, can I buy a brain-damaging red leather jacket from you? I want to wear it for five seasons, and never wash it ever, because hygiene is for weiners.”

sad emma

And that, my Dearies, is how Emma came to own her most prized piece of clothing . . .

Meanwhile, in the FUTURE . . .

The Heart Wants What It Wants

happy couple

Something is happening to Hades. Every week, he reads his lines slower and slower . . . with . . . more . . . and . . . more . . . unnecessary . . . pauses. It’s to the point where, if this keeps up, every remaining episode is going to have to be over two hours long just to fit in his dialogue. And he doesn’t even have a brain-damaging leather jacket to blame it on!

Anywhoo, Hades wants our Gang of Heroes to help him rescue Zelena, who has been captured by Rumpel and Pan. In exchange, he will grant them all a free pass out of the Underworld. Emma totally trusts Hades, despite having absolutely no reason to do so, because her brain-damaging leather jacket has turned her “Super Power of Always Knowing When Someone is Lying” to complete and utter mush.

Rumpel’s and Pan’s conditions for Zelena’s release are easy. All Hades has to do is rip up the contract giving him rights to Belle’s and Rumpel’s unborn child. Hades does this immediately, and without much fanfare, because he never really wanted Rumpbelle’s baby anyway, it was just a plot conceit to get the two characters involved in the Underworld story.

But then Pan reveals the twist in the plan. Hades can have Zelena back, as long as he gets to remove her heart and use it so that he can leave the Underworld and return to Earth. Fortunately for Zelena, Emma is on hand to rescue her from Pan. As for Rumpel, upon realizing that his baby is free, and remembering that he doesn’t give two sh*ts about his awful father Pan, he quickly disappears to give True Love’s Kiss to Belle, except, GASP, it doesn’t work, and she stays comatose . .. because the actress is still too pregnant to show her belly on camera.

ouat 4.1 belle

Back in our main plotline, Zelena has been saved! It’s time for her and Hades to finally swap spit. I mean, can you imagine, two of the most evil villains of all time, too pious to get first base, until they’ve dated for nearly the entire season? Was there a plot point where Hades became a member of the Duggar clan (but not Josh!) that I missed?

So, anyway, Zelena and Hades play some tonsil hockey, and this causes some rainbow special effects to fly around the room. You know what that means! Zelena’s a closet lesbian! Just kidding! It means True Loves Kiss, obviously! Now, Hades has become a true mortal, with a beating heart. And this means he can leave the Underworld with his lover Zelena and the rest of the heroes!

And they all lived Happily Ever After, right? WRONG!

Justify My Love

Hades leads the entire cast to a newly opened portal back to Earth, and dutifully removes all the characters names from the tombstones, so they can leave at will, since none of them were actually dead in the first place . . . correction: only one of them was actually dead, in the first place.

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With Regina’s help, Emma splits her own heart in two, so she can share hers with Hook to bring him “back to life and home.” Unfortunately, it doesn’t work. Apparently, Hook has been dead too long, has rotted and decayed too much, and had his corpse feasted on by way too many maggots to be revived by a simple half heart.

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Emma is understandably devastated. Sex with a smelly corpse would be such a turnoff, even if that smelly corpse looked like an only slightly rotting version of Hook.

“Don’t worry, Emma. You can go down to my basement and get Hook some munchies called Ambrosia. That will bring him back to life. Why don’t you and Hook go and get that stuff, while the rest of the cast waits around for you and does nothing? Meanwhile, Zelena and I will take Robin Hood’s baby and return to Storybrooke by ourselves. What could possibly go wrong with that plan?” He inquires, before twirling a mustache he doesn’t have, and laughing maniacally at the camera.

the moving hair

“Nothing suspicious to see here . . .”

“I trust Hades,” Emma responds dumbly. (I blame the leather jacket.)

“Me too,” replies David, Regina, Hook and Henry. (I blame plot convenience.)

“What are you guys f*&King nuts?” Robin Hood asks.

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“Even I know something is fishy about this guy, and I spent most of my life not wearing underpants . . .”

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“I feel so free!”

“Shut up, Robin! You aren’t a well-developed enough character to have opinions on stuff like this,” lectures Regina. “You are grounded. Now, go outside, so you can think about what you’ve done . . . also so Rumpel can steal your heart and give it to Peter Pan, thereby leaving you stuck in the Underworld.”

“Hodor,” responds Robin Hood.

Then he realizes he’s not on Game of Thrones, steps outside and waits patiently for his heart to be ripped out.

Downstairs in the basement, Emma finds that in order to open the pantry door with the munchies in it that she will need to feed Hook, so he can get out of Hell, she first has to weigh her heart, to see if it needs to go on a diet. Just kidding, the weighing process is supposed to show whether she really loves Hook, or whatever.

hearts on fire

“Don’t worry. This is all part of the foreplay process. Our heroes love foreplay!”

When Emma first puts her heart on the scale, not only does the Munchies Pantry door not open, but Hook gets engulfed in flames, and Emma suffers from what appears to be a heart attack, even though she isn’t wearing her heart at the time. Instead of rescuing her own heart, Emma jumps on top of Hook to snuff out his flames, also because it’s kind of sexy to jump on top of your boyfriend in the basement of Hell. How many people get to say they’ve experienced that in a lifetime, I mean seriously?

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*insert 70’s porn music here*

This act of sacrifice proves that Emma loves Hook more than she loves herself or her brain damaging leather jacket. And so, the Munchies Pantry from Hell opens!

hell test

Not so Fast . . .

grab on

The only problem is that someone has gone and eaten all the ambrosia out of it already. Those pigs!

Realizing that Hook is likely going to be stuck down in Hell forever, and this whole season / Underworld Road Trip has potentially been a massive waste of time, Hook and Emma share a seriously sweet goodbye. Emma promises not to lock up her heart with brain damaging leather jackets as a result of losing Hook. And Hook promises not to have Emma as his unfinished business, thereby allowing him to get to Heaven. It’s the kind of all-encompassing conversation we all wish we could have had with loved ones prior to their passing, but most likely did not.

Then, Hook and Emma hold one another’s hands for as long as possible, until Emma rises above ground and emerges from the basement.

In other bad news, the rest of the Once Gang finally figures that Hades tricked them, when Cruella and that witch from Hansel and Gretel lock them all in a room, so they can’t make it out to the portal back to Storybrooke.

new sheriffs

Fortunately, this bad news is quickly eradicated when a tearful Emma emerges from the basement. Together, her and Regina free the gang in time for them all to get to the portal. But what about Robin Hood? Doesn’t Pan have his heart?

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As it turns out, Rumpel was just kidding about the whole stealing Robin Hood’s heart thing. He promptly vanquishes his dad, puts his sleeping girlfriend in a box for safekeeping (Oh the metaphors!), and returns to Storybrooke with the rest of the crew . . . except Hook . . . and Pan . .. and all the people who got turned into sperm this season . . .

Until next time, My Dearies!

[Shameless self promotion alert:  Do you like stories with snark?  Romance?  Friendship?  Awkward sexual encounters?  Vengeance?  Drag queens?  Puppies with two wheels for back legs?  If so, please feel free to check out my new novel, Snarky Goes to Hollywood.  It’s only a $1 on Kindle, Folks … the same amount of money you occasionally give homeless people on the street, when you can no longer avoid making eye contact with them .]

Cross-posted at Happy Nice Time People.

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