ONCE UPON A TIME: Holding Hands While Doing The Wave and Other Tips to Fight Evil (S5:E2 RECAP)


carebear stareee

This week on Once, we got to take a longer look at those lost weeks in Camelot, which transformed Emma from a Savior with Greasy Hair and a Slight Asshole Problem . . .

never emb

. . . . to the Biggest Asshole on the Planet with a Teensy Weensy Savior Complex.

im the ak one

Also this week on Once, Robin Hood proved that being good with a bow and arrow doesn’t necessarily translate to being good at . . . well . . . anything else.

robin hood

Robin Hood is the Mr. Bill of Once, basically.

As for the other men on Once, Henry learned that it’s easy to be a pimp when you and the girl of your dreams are the only two people on the show with speaking parts who are within ten years of your age.

ouat season 3 henry doesnt lie

And Dopey got to take the title of Second Most Important Dwarf on Once, by getting turned into a tree. DO you know how much oxygen those things produce? Let’s review, shall we?

Tree to Be You and Me

made a tree

Over in Hangover: Storybrooke Edition, the newly amnesiac dwarves have decided to skip town, because it only has one place to eat, no fun activities to speak of (apart from battling CGI Villains of the Week), and no words in any of its books . . .

ouat 4.2 dwarves

(At least the guys in the real Hangover movie got to hang out in Vegas with Mike Tyson and his pet tiger . . . UPGRADE!)

. . . also because they are really scared of Emma, who wears a bun, dresses in black, has weird eyebrows, and therefore, must be the Biggest Asshole on the Planet.

The dwarves want to know what sort of bad thing will happen to them this season when they leave town, so they bully their least valuable player, Dopey, into testing the waters and endangering his life for the rest of them. (Personally, I would have gone with Sneezy, who had already been turned into a stone garden gnome by Emma in last week’s episode and, therefore, really had nothing else to lose.)


At first, Dopey seems fine, but then he turns into a tree, which proves that Emma might be the Biggest Asshole on the Planet, but she’s also a huge conservationist. Last I checked, Storybrooke had seven dwarves, but only like three trees. And since trees are clearly more useful than dwarves, our “Dark One” was just evening the score a little bit, while also, possibly, trying to prevent Global Warming. Why should Emma be persecuted for this? Who knew Storybrooke was filled with so many Republicans?

Sav-ior Ass

at the tree

Back in Camelot, our fairytale gang learn that another “evil” conservationist went and turned Wizard Merlin into a tree too. “So, if we turn the tree back into a wizard, maybe he can bang the asshole out of Emma,” Hook muses, excitedly. “Except, not in, like, a sexual way, because I’m the only asshole who should be banging stuff out of Emma in that way,” he adds nervously.

“Only the Savior can chop down this awesome tree and turn it into a boring wizard who isn’t even good enough at his job to prevent himself from being turned into an awesome tree,” King Arthur explains conversationally.

Emma is about to reveal herself as the Savior, until Regina puppet masters her with her sword and declares that SHE is the Savior.

shut up and aw used to

“That’s cool,” King Arthur replies. “Let’s throw a party so you all have an excuse to get dressed up in period costumes and dance. Also, meet my wife Guinevere. She has a very thick foreign accent and no other definable personality traits.”

Then some hot dude comes and gives Regina an “I’m the Savior” purple necklace to wear to the ball, while stroking his Evil Mustache and Laughing Malevolently.

becklace beck

Regina, of course, suspects no ill will from this obviously-up-to-no-good guy, because she’s a Good Person now, and all Good People on this show are required to be frustratingly stupid when it comes to predicting the evil machinations of Not Good People.

To Love an Asshole Is to Be an Asshole, Just a Different Kind of Asshole

love one careful

Back in Storybrooke, Asshole Emma and her Assholey Bunhead are helping us viewers to narrow the field of people who actually betrayed her in Camelot by being somewhat less of a dick to some characters on the show than others. For example, she’s still totally cool with her son Henry. She also propositions Hook to come back to her new crib and bang the sh*t out of her, because, as we’ve previously established, Hook’s spectacular prowess in the sack is one of the main reasons she’s kept him around this long in the first place.

dark one cant be

Belle, being no stranger to the overwhelming desire to bang the sh*t out of major assholes, cautions Hook to try to think with the piece of meat between his ears, as opposed to the one between his legs.

lonely hearts

But Hook is totally convinced that by sticking his tongue down Emma’s throat, he can lick the asshole right out of her, so he doesn’t listen to Belle.

making out with evil

Needless to say, it doesn’t work. But Hook somehow manages to keep it in his pants long enough to fend off Emma’s advances, thereby, leaving Hook, Emma, and all the TV Viewers with a major case of these . . .

ouat 4.1 blue balls

The Fast and the Fury-us

In addition to turning characters with non-speaking roles and no relevance to the plot into useful, oxygen- producing trees, Emma’s curse also apparently involves bringing the cast of Camelot over to Storybrooke, which is really a bigger punishment for the Camelot folks than for anybody else on the show, because, as we’ve already established, Storybrooke is a lame place to vacation.

“Is that all you got? Trees, a bunch of medieval dudes, and a mild case of amnesia?” Regina challenges. “I’ve made poops with more malevolent intent than your Evil Curse.”

Then a big ole CGI creature that looks kind of like the Dementors from Harry Potter, and the Wraiths from Season 2 of this show, and the flying monkeys from Season 3, and the bad guy from Fantasia we saw last season, appears out of nowhere and takes Regina’s boyfriend away. Robin Hood just kind of hangs back and lets it happen, just like he let his girlfriend get body-snatched by a wicked witch last season, and then let that wicked witch fertilize herself with his seed, and then get kidnapped by that same wicked witch.


“It’s a dementor wraith thing from Fantasia flying monkey Fury,” explains Belle. “It’s kind of like the IRS, only instead of taking people’s homes when they don’t make proper payment, they take people’s people.”

“So, someone has to die in order for me to get my boyfriend back, because I may or may not have killed someone in Camelot. Kind of like those Final Destination movies, only the deaths here are nowhere near as fun and gory?” Regina muses.

“Yeah, that about sums it up,” responds Belle, as she goes back to lovingly stroking the petals of the wilted flower that currently stands in for comatose Rumpel’s weiner.

looking at it

You can check out the rest of this recap HERE!

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ONCE UPON A TIME: Being Evil Makes Your Hair Greasy and Other Stuff I Learned from the Season 5 Premiere

ONCE UPON A TIME - "The Dark Swan" - Immediately after becoming the Dark One, Emma disappears and the heroes must band together to save her, but first they have to find her, which will require the help of an unlikely ally. Meanwhile, in the Enchanted Forest, Emma struggles to resist her dark urges as she searches for Merlin in the hope that he can stop her transformation. Along the way to Camelot, she gets help from the plucky and brave warrior princess Merida, as well as King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table, in the adventure-filled season five premiere of "Once Upon a Time," SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 27 (8:00-9:00 p.m., ET) on the ABC Television Network. (ABC/Jack Rowand) JENNIFER MORRISON

Your favorite television series about fairytale characters who make exceedingly poor life choices is back, my friends! This week on Once, the newly crowned “Dark Swan” Emma, and her rapidly changing beauty regimens, took center stage as our cast of not particularly heroic heroes and not all that villainous villains banded together to engage the Fates in an epic battle for the former “Savior’s” soul. Also, the only place to get food and beverages in Storybrooke up and moved to Camelot, which means everyone left back in Storybrooke will probably starve and die. So, it’s a really good thing all the main characters are already accounted for and/or in a coma!


Oh, and the writers’ most favorite plot device reared its frustratingly fuzzy little head for a third time since the series began.

Let’s review, shall we?

Creepy Movie Ushers Are Creepy!

kid and usher

The year is 1989 (copyright Taylor Swift). Little Emma has gone to the movies by herself to see the surprisingly snoozy Disney film The Sword in the Stone, probably because the much better Disney film that actually did come out that year, The Little Mermaid, was already sold out. Also, the writers want to remind us that Disney once made a crappy movie about Camelot so they can justify the series inevitably spending so much time there this season.


While in the theater, Little Emma steals a candy bar from one of the patron’s purses and is caught by a movie usher, who knows her name . . . probably because the little tot is known for frequenting this particular theater and seeing the worst movies that happen to be playing there at any particular time. The usher could really care less about Emma’s purloined junk food. Instead, he instructs Emma to never remove the REAL Excalibur from its stone when she has the opportunity to do so.

What a lunatic! Who the heck hired this guy? I mean, he’s clearly not one of the best ushers the theater has to offer, which is why they made him usher such a bad movie.

“STRANGER DANGER!” Little Emma screams, as she dashes out of the theater.

scared emma

Or at least, that’s what she would have done, if she had good parents who taught her about these sorts of things, as opposed to her actual parents, who stuffed her in a tree and abandoned her for the first 28 years of her life . . .

ouat 4.2 snow baby

That said, Creepy Usher may have actually had a point, seeing as how back in Camelot, some guy who isn’t King Arthur tries to extract Excalibur from the stone and it causes him to turn into a smelly fart and die.


A close approximation of what happened to “Galavant” the series.

fartKing Arthur takes his turn next, and I instantly dislike him for reasons I can’t quite pin down. In fact, I dislike Once’s King Arthur so much that I am literally chanting, “Please turn into a smelly fart. Please turn into a smelly fart,” the whole time he’s struggling with the sword.

your turn

He doesn’t though, and I’m super disappointed.

King Arthur is disappointed too (probably because he doesn’t realize how close he came to become a smelly fart because, if he knew that, he’d be elated). But actually, King Arthur is peeved because someone went and ate half of Excalibur, or at least that’s what it looks like to him.

In actuality, half of Excalibur is actually in Storybrooke, playing the role of “Dark One Sword.”

The budget for this show must be getting tighter, because even the props have to pull double duty . . .

Save the Savior, Save the World!

bring back

Back in Storybrooke, Regina is super pissed at Emma for saving the No Longer Very Evil Queen’s Life and, in the process, usurping Regina’s role for the season as the Villain Who Does Terrible Things to Everyone But Is Still a Fan Favorite Because She’s Just So Darn Sassy and Wears a Lot of Eye Makeup.

so stupid

To prove to fans that Regina is still sassy even though she is no longer the Resident Evil of her group of friends, Regina mercilessly insults Captain Hook, calling him Guyliner, when he tries to use the Dark One Sword/Excalibur to summon Emma back inside his pants where she so obviously belongs.

“She’s obviously no longer in Storybrooke, Mr. Metrosexual,” Regina scoffs. “Another entire season spent in this dull town would be the death of this show. I mean, think about it, there is only one place to eat here. And all the books in the library are picture books, which is why nobody in town knows how to read. Emma is clearly someplace more exciting, so we have to go there this season.”


The crew go to visit Old Dirty Homeless-Looking Mickey (a.k.a. the Sorcerer’s Apprentice) on his deathbed in hopes that they can steal his frequent flyer miles to go on a much needed vacation to “Wherever the F*&k Emma Landed Last Season.” Unfortunately, Old Dirty Homeless-Looking Mickey has no frequent flyer miles (probably because he is Old, Dirty, and Homeless-Looking, which, in this day and age, pretty much guarantees you a spot on the “No Fly List.”) What Old Dirty Homeless-Looking Mickey does have though is some other sword or wand-looking kind of thing that can create portals to different lands a la Harry Potter.


“There’s a catch,” explains Old Dirty Homeless-Looking Mickey. “This wand-looking thing will only transport you to ‘Wherever the F*&k Emma Landed Last Season’ if it’s wielded by a real asshole.”

Then Old Dirty Homeless-Looking Mickey tosses the wand-looking thing to the floor and dies, and nobody seems to care all that much, especially since he’s already provided the plot-advancing information that was pretty much his entire purpose for being in this episode.

“I’ll do it. I’m a huge asshole,” Regina exclaims excitedly.

ouat 4.1.a regina mirror

She waves the wand-looking thing in the air, and nothing happens.

“You are a huge asshole, Regina, but apparently, no longer a big enough asshole to take us to Wherever the F*&k Emma Landed Last Season,” Hook announces, before sticking his tongue out at Regina and blowing a raspberry in her face.

hook intest

So much animosity between these two this season. It must be because they both desperately want Emma back in their respective pants, where they each believe she clearly belongs.

You can check out the rest of this recap HERE!

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Game of Groans – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s Season Finale “Status Asthmaticus”

good cover shotAfter watching 5 seasons of a show, the characters in it become sort of like your friends.

stydiaYou know them pretty well.

stiles and scottYou care about them . . . most of them, anyway.

more of that stuff halestilesYou want to see them succeed . . . again . . . most of them.

ep 8 stiles excited jeff bernbieYou want to shake them by their little scrawny shoulders, when they do things that are just so friggin stupid, and counterproductive to their leading long, healthy, successful lives, that you can’t fathom how they’ve survived this long in the world, without accidentally running headfirst into moving traffic, while wearing a red Superman cape, and/or drowning in a 3-foot deep kiddie pool.

no idea what im doingWhile you were watching Teen Wolf this week, you may have heard some strange sound effects in the background that you couldn’t quite place. That was me . . . groaning, grumbling, and vigorously shaking my head, at these teenagers, who, just seasons earlier, continuously stuck together, while each and every one of them took a turn at being temporarily evil, but now, for no conceivable reason, have decided to alienate, lie to, and occasionally try to murder one another, all because some good looking guy suggested it would be a good idea.

die in blinkin8In short, the Beacon Hills Scooby Gang has somehow become the kids in the slasher film, who you are supposed to be rooting for, but who make it kind of hard for you to do so, when they are constantly, walking alone into the scary basement with no lights and only one exit, when they should instead be running to the car outside, and booking it the hell away from the Cabin Where All Those People Got Murdered Last Summer.


Let’s review, shall we?

[A big ole thank you to my pal Andre, who convinced me that it was worth it to recap this series this summer, if only so it would give me an opportunity to enjoy his awesome screencaps of it.]

“Suck on My Girlfriend, Please?”

dying hayWhen you are in werewolf “family,” you are guaranteed to experience some really awkward life moments. . . like when you have to beg your father figure to give the new love of your life a hickey, that will make her really hormonal and hairy, so that she won’t die a horribly painful death.

give her bite

So, THIS exchange happened on the show:

Liam: “Suck on my girlfriend now! Chew on her really good!”

Scott: “Honestly, I just had dinner, and I’m not really hungry right now? Also, she’s really sweaty. I feel like eating her will make me break out. Thirdly, if I chew on her she may get rabies and die . . . but, like, in a different way than she’s dying right now . . . a wolfy way.”

full moon scott

Liam: “All that stuff didn’t seem to bother you when you were sucking on my arm last season, like it was a chocolate Tootsie Pop!”

mad liam

Scott: “That was different. You were about to become a main character on the show. And you weren’t as gross and sweaty as she is now. You have really great skin, you know that? Like baby soft, and no pores, whatsoever. You were an absolute pleasure to suck. Your girlfriend will taste like ass.”

Liam: ????

Scott: “Also, you were hanging from a building and definitely going to die. Your girlfriend only has a 99.99% chance of dying.”

Liam: ????!!

Scott: “Look, I don’t want to get to first base with your girlfriend’s gross neck, OK? End of discussion. Now, if you’d excuse me, I have to go further emasculate myself, by sucking on this fake inhaler.”

fake inhalerThen, the crew take Dying Hayden to MIA Vet, Deaton’s office, so Melissa McCall, who is neither a doctor, nor a veterinarian, can fail miserably at saving her life. Hayden, who knows she’s a goner, having placed her life in the hands of a bunch of bozos, repeatedly makes the dying request to see her sister before she inevitably croaks. It’s a request that everyone in the room blatantly ignores, because they are total assholes.

werkinAt one point, they actually send Scott out to pretend to go fetch the sister, but he goes to visit with his friend Lydia instead. And, of course, no one thinks of calling this woman on her cell phone, or trying to contact her at the police station WHERE SHE WORKS, because she is not a main character, and, therefore, unimportant.

Meanwhile, inside Stiles’ Jeep Roscoe. . .

Bummer Man

sad stilesRemember back in Seasons 1 and 2 when Stiles was fun? He was the comic relief of the show! The one who wore adorable tee shirts with cute sayings on them, or pictures of muffins . . . the one who had a quippy comeback for every line uttered on the show . . . the one who somehow managed to find a silver lining inside the death trap that he and his friends found themselves in every season?

sarcasm defenseDon’t get me wrong, Werebangers. Dylan O’Brien is still the best. He acts rings around pretty much everybody on the show, no matter what material he is given. He even pulled off being the best villain the series has ever seen. And he’s tugged at my heartstrings more times than I can count.

But man, has this character been a Charlie Brown with a rain cloud on top of his head all season!


raining on your parad

Somebody get this guy on Wellbutrin! Also, get him to a mechanic whose willing to fix his jeep for free. I mean the thing was literally flipped over and set on fire, and Stiles is still driving the thing. You would think his cop dad, might have a problem with that, seeing as there is absolutely no way Roscoe passes inspection, which means his son is violating about a million traffic laws, every time he gets behind the wheel.

stiles and jeepAnyway, Stiles in understandably bummed that his friend Scott is acting like such a turd, and, you know, because, he killed that Douchebag with the weird teeth. So, he throws a wrench at the window of poor, broke down Roscoe the Jeep, which is a total example of Kick The Dog Syndrome.

throw it

broken jeep

“I don’t like it when you hit me with tools, Stiles.

“When Malia picks him up (because, apparently, she’s a really great driver now), Stiles is being unusually uncommunicative, so Malia, being the good girlfriend that she is, attempts to break the ice, by telling Stiles it’s totally cool that he’s a murderer and stuff. “You killed some people, as Void Stiles. And killed Weird Teeth guy, as yourself,” Malia explains. “I thought I killed my adopted family. And now I actually want to kill my mom. We are a Killer Couple . . . like Bonnie and Clyde . . . if Bonnie was a werecoyote.”

stalia 1 stalia 2

“Um, can we talk about this after I witness my father having yet another brush with death that could have been prevented, if Scott didn’t suck so badly at being a hero?” Stiles asks hopefully.

“Sure, no problem,” replies Malia. “I’m just going to go hang out in the hidey hole where I lived and pooped for eight years, fondle a baby doll, and ogle unnecessarily naked Evil Theo, who, P.S. is part coyote, and is trying to steal me away from you, so you can go be with Lydia.”

my best friend

“Try not to look at the naked man in the hallway, baby. You are too young to see such things. Me, on the other hand . . .”

nakey the

“Sounds great. Bye soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend!” Stiles calls out over his shoulder, as he heads to the police station.

At the police station, Stiles finds out his father is out of the office. He’s actually at the school . . . with Hayden’s sister, and a large, as of yet unseen chimera, who must really hate Beacon Hills High, and, of course, those pesky not-very-good-at-speaking English Dredd Doctors . . .

broken beaconRuh-roh!

Also at the police station with Stiles, but not his dad . . .

Naked Garbage Man Finally Gets a Clue . . . Actually Lydia Gets it For Him . . . Because Thinking Makes His Brain Hurt

With bars between them, so they can no longer beat the crap out of one another as a form of foreplay, Lydia and Parrish are relegated to pretending their fingers are sex organs, and poking at one another through the bars.

fondle 1 fondle 2“Is life easier for you, now that you know you are a banshee, and can finally stop waking up dirty and naked in the woods?” Parrish inquires conversationally.

“Not really,” Lydia replies. “I mean, it would be if Jeff Davis could get a handle on what banshees actually do, but my powers and skills tend to change week to week, so I never really know what I am until I read the script.”

“Hey, I wake up dirty and naked in the woods sometimes, and seem to really have a thing for manhandling corpses,” Parrish muses. “Does that mean I’m a male banshee? It would explain why we are hot for one another, despite our obvious age difference, and the fact that I am a mental midget compared to you, so we couldn’t possibly ever have any interesting conversations with one another, that go beyond a third-grade reading level?”

more carrying“Nah. We are only attracted to one another, because we are both attractive people. And teen shows demand that all attractive people must eventually pork one another,” Lydia explains. “Also you aren’t a banshee, you’re a hellhound.”

hell hound“I thought I was a phoenix. Wouldn’t that make a lot more sense, given the hints that were thrown out about me last season?” Parrish wonders.

“It would. But then all the fans immediately pegged you as a phoenix. And that pissed Jeff Davis off. So, he decided to throw a curve ball and make you something else that he randomly found on Wikipedia,” Lydia responds.

“OK. But what exactly makes me a hellhound, as opposed to something else . . . like a phoenix?” Parrish presses.

“I don’t know. Let me go to the school library, and put myself in harms way to find out, even though I could probably just Google Hellhound on my smart phone and get the limited information we need to satisfy this plot point,” Lydia answers as she walks out of the police station, completely ignoring Stiles, who is there too.

stiles-15“I’m going to break out of here, steal some more bodies, and maybe accidentally kill some people, if you aren’t here to babysit me,” Parrish calls out after Lydia, by way of warning.

“I know and don’t care,” Lydia responds, as she closes the door behind her.

Moments later, Parrish breaks out of his jail cell, all red-eyed and dangerous looking. Stiles, who is a kid, and not a cop, tells all the cops around him not to shoot at the clearly violent Parrish. So, they don’t, and, instead just let Parrish go out into the world and potentially hurt some innocents, without going after him in their cop cars, or calling for backup.

dont shoot he leavesLaw enforcement in Beacon Hills is the best!

News Flash: Beacon Hills Officially Has a Vampire

shock and awe face

It was only a matter of time folks . . . just a matter of time.

Also, Braeden’s back, and fully confused by what happened to this show during the half-season she’s been away having 24-7 sex with Derek Hale.

what the hell was

“So, the guys in the black suits that talk funny? They are the Oni, right?” Braeden asks Malia, with whom she has never before exchanged words, but who suddenly seems like her best pal.”

“No, that was season 3. These are the Dredd Doctors,” Malia explains.

“But they kind of look and act like the Oni,” Braeden muses.

the girls“I know, right?” Malia replies.

“And Parrish . . . he’s a phoenix?” Braeden continues.

“Hellhound,” Malia corrects.

“What the heck is a hellhound?” Braeden asks.

Malia shrugs.

“What about the douchey good looking evil guy that hits on everyone in the cast, male and female? That’s Jackson?” Braeden asks.

theo“Nope,” Malia replies.

“Aiden then . . . or Ethan? I always get those two confused.”

“His name is Theo,” Malia answers.

“But he kind of looks and acts like Jackson, Aiden and Ethan . . .”

twins - Copy“I know right?” Malia replies again. “Anyway, enough about them. Come help me kill my mother, before she kills me.”

“I thought you’d never ask!” Braeden responds.

I know Malia and Braeden are both supposed to be straight and spoken for, but, honestly, wouldn’t these two be like the best lesbian couple ever?

More Violence Against Women (and Stiles) Ensues . . .

Theo finds Lydia in the library, and punches her in the face, knocking her unconscious, because he’s afraid she will clue in the Scooby Gang to the fact that she “senses death.”

going to dieBut clearly, he just punched her in the face for the fun of it, because, obviously she senses death, because like 50 teenagers died this season! So, why would that implicate Theo at all?

Theo’s basically been walking around this entire season, twirling his villain mustache, sporting his “I am Evil tee shirt,” everyday, murdering puppies, and eating babies everywhere he goes, in plain sight.  And yet, still, no one, but Stiles, ever suspected him of wrong doing . . . . probably because the entire Scooby gang has apparently spent the summer drinking Moron Juice, which prevents them from engaging in logical reasoning of any sort. So, why punch a girl in the face now, and ruin all this undeserved trust you’ve built up all season, right when your Evil Plan is finally starting to come to fruition? Because it’s the season finale, obviously . . .

real faceScott takes the bait to come find Lydia, when he should be off collecting Hayden’s sister and taking her to Hayden’s death bed. This was yet another super dumb move on Scott’s part. So, of course, evil Theo has to lock him in the library using mountain ash, and reveal himself as a villain to SCOTT TOO!

in library“P.S. Your inhaler is fake and filled with wolfsbane,” Theo explains helpfully. “P.P.S. I’m a chimera, who is going to steal your pack from you, even though I’ve been going around punching them all in the face, which would indicate that I have poor leadership skills. P.P.P.S. Liam is going to kill you and take your Alpha powers to save Hayden, and then I’m going to kill him and take those Alpha Powers from him. Now, I’d love to stay and chat, but I gotta go punch Stiles in the face, and hope that it will turn him on enough that he will have sex with me. P.P.P.P.S. I’m secretly in love with Stiles. See ya!”

void stilesTheo finds Stiles outside, and the two roll around on the ground for a little bit. It’s sexy in a Fight Club sort of way. At least Stiles is fighting back, so it doesn’t give off that domestic abuse sort of vibe we got when Theo was beating the crap out of Lydia. Then, Theo admits to Stiles that both Scott and his father should be dying by the end of the episode, and Stiles can only save one of them.

Stiles chooses his dad, because his dad is awesome, and, at least lately, Scott, is the worst.

stiles and dad saveIt’s the first good choice anyone has made all season . . .

So Many Zombies, So Little Time . . .

Liam has now arrived at the library, and he’s doing a pretty good job of beating to death Scott, the supposed “True Alpha.”

fightinWe are told that Liam is doing this because the Super Moon is making his Irritable Bowel Syndrome Act up, so he’s gassy, and really grumpy about it.

moonDid I say Liam had IBS? I meant IED. I always get those two confused . . .

Liam is so busy beating up Scott to save Hayden, that he totally misses Hayden’s ACTUAL DYING. (Also, no one ever answered Hayden’s dying request to see her sister at her death bed, so that sucks. Mason just barely stops Liam from killing Scott by informing him that Hayden, is in fact, already dead, which sort of defeats the purpose.

mad liam again


Then, Theo pops by, and is really pissed at Mason for stopping Liam from killing Scott, so he . . . wait for it . . . punches Mason in the face, just so the new pack member won’t feel left out, since he’s already done it to everyone else.

mason shcokYou would think now that Theo is totally screwed, right? Because he’s alienated his would-be pack by beating them all up. Plus, he can’t take Scott’s True Alphaness from him directly, as he’s a chimera, who wasn’t bitten by Scott, and Liam didn’t do it for him.

That would be logical. But this is Teen Wolf, where logic left the building two seasons ago. So, Theo kills Scott . . . for a few minutes at least.

killing scott

chest compress wake up

And then, he suddenly has the Alpha powers he needs, to do that neck fondling thing to Lydia, where he finds out where the Nemeton is located . . . because, again, big ole trees covered in dead bodies are near impossible to find otherwise.


This inexplicably renders Lydia catatonic, even though it hasn’t had that effect on anyone else who has been neck fondled on the show . . .

head fondle

Then, Theo takes the heroin mixed in cocaine and dirty water that the Dredd Doctors were using on themselves, and injects it into Hayden, Corey, Tracey, and that kid he killed on the roof a few episodes back, who liked eating electric wires. This act has the surprise effect of bringing them all instantly back to life, as mindless sycophants, who follow him, just because he’s good looking, even though he ACTUALLY MURDERED ONE OF THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE . . in other words, they act just like our Scooby Gang acted all season, only they have a slightly better excuse for doing so, because . . . ZOMBIES.

tracey is up corey up“Come with me if you want to live . . . my new pack, who are my second choice, because I punched everyone in my first pack in the face, and they no longer want to play with me,” Theo explains in his best Arnold Schwartzenager from The Terminator voice.

he walks they follow

Elsewhere, the Dredd Doctors finally reveal their true plan . . . and it involves . . . wall renovation, and really ugly artwork?

wall break


See ya next season, Werebangers!


Filed under Teen Wolf

It’s Official, Scott McCall is the Worst – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Lies of Omission”

wrench“Die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.”

Such were the wise words of Harvey Dent. You might remember him from the Batman film, The Dark Knight Rises, as That Guy Who (Spoiler Alert) Definitely Didn’t Die a Hero.

which oneOK, so not every person who doesn’t die young is destined to become a deformed super villain with multiple personality disorder. But I think it is safe to say that, at least for most of us, the longer we live, the more inevitable stains and tears we are going to rack up on our White Knight and Shining Armor pant suits.

At least from Season 2, onward, Scott McCall has always been more of a Superman-brand of hero, than a Batman-type one, reserving the very human pitfalls of heroism for the rest of his pack mates (broodiness and hunger for power for Derek, vanity for Lydia, a thirst for revenge for Allison, introspection and crippling self-doubt for Stiles) so that he could focus more fully on the “special snowflake” aspects of his job.

2 10 alpha bits

The True Alpha . . . Bits

And while special snowflake heroes tend to be the ones you’d choose first to rescue you from a burning building or sadistic serial killer, they also tend to be the last ones you choose to do anything else with you, because they are just so friggin uptight, judgmental, and downright BORING!

sleeping stilesUp until this season, Scott had a fix for that problem too. He never had to be charming, or even particularly likeable, because he came as a package deal with this awesome group of pals who were charming and likeable for him!

stiles-15Then those awful, unsanitary, poorly dressed, mumbling low-rent Darth Vader Dredd Doctors and their little minion Theo came along, and stole Scott’s special snowflake-ness from him. They gently pushed him to alienate his charming friends. Until, eventually, all that was left was a self-righteous kid with asthma, who was kind of a dick.

bad scottThe kind of guy who wouldn’t lift a finger to save his surrogate little brother’s dying girlfriend, because it didn’t conform with his “moral code” . . .

scott dog dishThe kind of guy who lets his own girlfriend sacrifice herself to an uncertain fate, just because the fox costume she always wears inadvertently took some steroids . . .

kira modeThe kind of guy who would believe the words of a douchebag he used to hang out with on swing sets eight years ago, over those of his best friend for life, Stiles.

rain stilesAnd really, anyone who hurts Stiles is a villain in my book . . . plain and simple

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to Andre for fearlessly screencapping so many gross pictures of silver nose snot.  He’s got a stomach of steel, that one!]

Adventures in Monologuing

immense darkness

Scott’s even starting to monologue like a super villain! But instead of talking about cool stuff, like world domination and mass murder, he’s talking about lame stuff, like his feelings, how his friends don’t smile at him in the hallways anymore, and his asthma. In fact, the entire opening sequence reminds me of one of those commercials for antidepressants starring Scott and his pals in the role of The Sad Egg . . .


“All of your whining is seriously harshing my buzz. I’m going to go hang out with my evil friends, the Dredd Dorks. At least they know how to party,” mutters Theo.


“What did you say?” Scott asks with raised eyebrows.

“Um . . . I said, everything is fine, Cuz! I’m going to go eat some moo shoo pork. I don’t want to be tardy,” covers Theo, as he exits stage left, laughing maniacally.

theo as wolf“Theo is such a standup guy,” Scott muses, as he watches from the window, while his new pal stabs three elderly ladies, kicks two puppies, and blows up a playground full of happy school children. “Inviting him to join our pack was my best decision ever.”

“Pee on me. Sit on me”

peregree syszegy

Theo heads on over to the Dredd Doctors lab, where the guys are clearly busy taking hits of their own “experimental” drug product.

No wonder we can never understand a word these guys are saying. They must be stoned out of their minds all the time!

inject“Hey fellow Bad Guys,” begins Theo conversationally. “Listen, I know you wanted to off Hayden so the Naked Garbage Man can add her to his ever growing Burning-Tree Stump Collection? But Jeff Davis told me to tell you that you can’t murder her yet, since she’s going to be a series regular next season.   Because Young Love and stuff. Also because all the other ships on this show are pretty much dead in the water.”

“Perigee-Syzegy” says one of the Dredd Doctors, as he takes another hit of what looks like heroine mixed with really dirty bong water.

chatting with dreddy“Pee on me? Sit on me?” Theo asks, clearly confused, as we all are.

“Perigee-Syzegy,” repeats the Dredd Doctor, more firmly, this time.

“Did you just say pot of bees, sick of fleas?” Theo posits.

“PERIGEE-SYZEGY!” The Dredd Doctor says a third time. (Now he’s really getting pissed.)

other“What about a Pedigree Symphony?” Theo inquires.

“You are going to die tonight, you hunk of dumb evil junk!” The Dredd Doctor growls.

“Ohhhhh Perigee-Syzegy! The Supermoon! You need it to complete your weird science experiment or whatever. Why didn’t you say that in the first place? Honestly, you stoners could be such intellectual snobs sometimes,” Theo replies with a knowing wink at the audience.

Meanwhile over at the love shack, otherwise known as “Behind the School Bus in Beacon Hills High” . .. .

Love Means Never Having to Say “You have silver boogers in your nose.”


Awww, Liam and Hayden! So cute! With their confessions of love, and their tongue kisses, and their patent inability to use tissues when they clearly need them . . .

noseApparently, not only are the Dredd Doctors raging drug addicts, they are giving all the teen wuzzles at school massive cocaine problems.   “Please don’t tell anybody about my gross snot thing,” Hayden pleads to her new boo. “It’s really embarrassing. Almost as embarrassing as that time during sixth grade when I had to take my school picture with a broken nose because you punched . . . too soon?”

nose pic“Let’s run away together! I’ll protect you from the Dredd Doctors. I’ll pack a bag with lots of energy bars for us to eat, and lots of tissues for me to clean the snot off your nose,” Liam decides impulsively.

“But I’ve only known you for about four episodes, and most of that time we’ve spent either unconscious or punching one another in the face,” Hayden posits. “How do we know our sudden passion for one another isn’t borne from the adrenaline rush of our recent brush with death, and won’t fade the minute, some other pretty wuzzle with a nose bleed casts a fist in the general direction of your nasal cavity?”

scared face punch“Ummmm . . . ,” replies Liam.

“Screw it, let’s do it,” exclaims Hayden excitedly, shooting an adorable snot rocket in Liam’s direction to seal the deal. (Everything Hayden does is adorable, obviously.)

“Oh hey, Scott!” Liam exclaims super awkwardly, a bit later, as he hauls a duffel bag filled with a lifetime supply of snot tissues and wuzzle food onto the bench in front of him. “Please ignore this massive piece of evidence sitting right in front of you that I am about to put myself in harms way.”


“Nice getaway duffel bag you got there. I’d love to stay and chat, but I have to go suck on my inhaler and monologue some more. Be careful of the upcoming Supermoon and your IBS,” Scott notes.

“I don’t have irritable bowel syndrome!” Liam protests.

confused liam“Oops. I mean IED. I always mess those two up. Anyway. Gotta jet,” offers Scott, as he skips off stage left.

“Seriously? You didn’t even notice how shady I’m acting? My loud and plaintive cries for help weren’t loud enough for you? You are the worst dad ever, Scott! And you think I have IBS? What a jerk! I’m going to go take my girlfriend to the creepy gay club and get us both killed now. Thanks for your support!” Liam huffs.

Meanwhile, elsewhere on campus, Stiles IS DEAD!!!

better picBabyScaredJust kidding. This show would so be cancelled, if that were even remotely true.   That’s just Stiles’ guilt talking. And Stiles’ Guilt has a big mouth, and a real knack for hyperbole.

Enough of this guilt talk. Let’s go to the gym, and get ripped with new wuzzle Corey!

I Wanna Get Physical!

liftBecause Teen Wolf is nothing, if not an educational program, I proudly present to you, “Workout tips from Soon-to-be-Dead Wuzzles.”

  • When lifting weights, always make sure to have a spotter, who weighs more than eighty pounds soaking wet..
  • Be sure to stretch before you get started, to avoid muscle strain.
  • Eat a light meal about 20 to 30 minutes before your workout to maximize your energy levels. Emphasis on light. Eating too much right before a workout, could result in some serious embarrassment, not to mention a ruined muscle-tee. And muscle tees aren’t cheap!

“I saw this going a whole lot better in my head.”

While Corey gets shipped off to the hospital with the 98% fatality rate, to blend into some walls, hurt some folks, and suffer an unceremonious demise at the hand of one of the Dredd Doctors . . .

corey dead . . . another one is at the school killing this chick, who doesn’t seem to have any cool powers, apart from being really efficient at biting her nails. Lame! Failure indeed.

gross nail


done deadSay what you will about the Dredd Doctors, but they really are the best when it comes to Team Work with a capital T!

Malia is just so done with this Dredd Doctor sh*t.  Dead wuzzles? A “pack leader” who can’t fight, and monologues too much? Shitty teachers that don’t appreciate her awesome color contacts? Living in a cave in the woods and eating her own poop is starting to seem like a really good idea right now. #Nostalgia.

color con opover thisSpeaking of nostalgia . . .

Lydia and Stiles reunite . . . for about two seconds

 Remember a few seasons back, when Lydia and Stiles used to sleuth together all the time, doing all the heavy intellectual lifting for their big hearted, but little brained pals, each week, tossing off a few witty one-liners and the occasional eye-f*ck as they worked side by side?

stydiaI miss that about this show. And we got some of it this week, while Lydia and Stiles wandered through the woods in search of the lost Nemeton . . . you know, because Big Ass Trees roughly the size of an entire town with mountains of dead bodies adorning them are SUPER hard to find.


“You know, it’s been fun sleuthing with you again. But I should really get Naked Garbage Man Parrish to help out with this instead because Sex,” Lydia insists. “Besides, it’s always better when the secretly evil characters on this show learn that they are evil.”

dont do it“Yeah, because when I found out I was secretly evil, I locked myself up I an insane asylum, had sex with Malia, killed a bunch of folks, and almost murdered Scott,” Stiles notes.

“Exactly, I knew you’d understand,” replies Lydia, patting Stiles on the head like he’s a dog.

flirting with lyd“So, really this is only about sex and nothing else,” Stiles says.

“Pretty much, yeah,” Lydia admits.

there it is“You know what would be fun, if we beat the sh*t out of each other in this forest,” Lydia says to Naked Garbage Man Parrish later that day.

“Why do all the couples on this show have to beat each other up this season? I feel like it sends a bad message to today’s youth that they should equate assault with foreplay,” Parrish posits.

“Stop acting like you have a brain, and look pretty,” Lydia insists. “Also punch me in the face.”

fighting more battle“OK,” Parrish responds, before giving Lydia a black eye. “Hey check it out! Isn’t that the tree where I carry all the dead wuzzle bodies?” Parrish notes.

turned“And to think, it’s been right behind us this whole time, and all it took was a little physical abuse for us to find it,” Lydia responds excitedly.

threeim afraid of me not afraidLater, Parrish locks himself up in a jail cell that might as well be made of paper clips, for all it will do to keep the Naked Garbage Man from stealing more dead bodies.

lock me up“Amateur Hour,” mutters Stiles under his breath, while shaking his head.

If Theo Can’t Have Stiles, NO ONE CAN!

theo equals evilYou know everyone believes that Theo is all obsessed with Scott, and wants to alienate him from all his friends, so he could like, become him, or something?  But personally, I think Theo is all about Stiles. This is simply a case of a boy, standing in front of another boy, with a bunch of decapitated puppy heads in his fist, asking him to love him.

car flirt
Step one in Theo’s master plan to win Stiles’ heart, is to break him up from his first love, Scott. “Hey Scott,” Theo begins casually, as the pair go for a nice leisurely drive around town, because Theo loves nothing more than riding in cars with boys. “I think it’s really cool how supportive you’ve been of Stiles, even though he beat that wuzzle with a wrench, killed him, and tried to cover it up. You’re a good friend!”

kept hitting him“WHAT?   STILES IS A MURDERER . . . ON PURPOSE, THIS TIME?” Scott exclaims.

trademark scott face“Oops, was I not supposed to tell you that?” Theo says with a wink at the camera, as he sticks his arm out the car window, and strangles a nun.

new guy theoStep two in Theo’s seduction of Stiles plan, is to get in good with his dad, by telling him that HE killed Donovan to save the Sheriff’s and Stiles’ life, this has the dual effect of exonerating Stiles for the murder HE committed, and making Theo look like a hero in front of his hopefully future father in law.

let him kill didnt knowSmooth, Theo! Super smooth!

All of this ultimately results in Scott dumping Stiles, in the pouring rain, no less! “You believe Theo over me, your best friend, about the whole murder of Donovan thing?” Stiles asks incredulously. “The guy wears a heart shaped locket around his neck with Adolf Hitler’s picture on one side and Darth Vader’s on the other. He’s so obviously a bad dude! What the heck is wrong with you this season that you can’t see that?”

believe me backs away“Whatever, I don’t like you anymore, because The Plot makes it so. Off to make some more ridiculously poor life choices. See ya,” Scott calls out over his shoulder.

waiting crying stiles raincrying jessIn Which Scott Makes More Ridiculously Poor Life Choices . . .

 found out

Hiding out at the gay club, where the Dredd Doctors are VIPs, who seem to show up there at least once an episode, seems like a great idea to lovebirds Liam and Hayden. The pair barely have enough time to steal some cash from the safe, and do a few shots of tequila off one another’s oh-so-perfect abdominals, when guess who shows up to spoil their fun.

Surprise! It’s the Dredd Doctors.

me againep 9 obviously stilesFortunately, Scott and Theo are there to suck royally at life, and not help at all!

uselesThen, the Dredd Doctors give Hayden another heroine injection and she dies.


“Give hugs not drugs?”

cracked eysurprised-faceJust kidding! She’s fine! Heroine is not dangerous at all, kids!

Later, in the car on the way home, Hayden conveniently decides that she’s dying again. So, Theo suggests that Scott turn her into a full-on werewolf to prevent this from happening. “Awww, can you do it, Daddy Werewolf? Can you, pretty pretty please with a cherry on top? I’ll be your best friend,” pleads Liam.

we can save give biteno“No! You’re grounded. Go to your room, Liam. And don’t even think about using your cell phone, playing video games, or watching the love of your life suffer a slow cruel and senseless death,” Scott scolds.

becoming wolf“I hate you, Dad! I wish you were dead!” Liam cries in anguish.

Meanwhile, somewhere off stage, Theo is kissing the photograph of Stiles he keeps in his boxer shorts, and dancing the Macarena in triumph . . . “Soon, my lover boy! Soon you will be mine,” he whispers to the photograph.

See you next time, Werebangers!

stiles with wolf hat




Filed under Teen Wolf

Very Unsanitary – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Ouroboros”

unsannSo, I’ve been thinking a lot about this, this past week. Do you want to know what I’ve decided makes the Dredd Doctors so terrifying?

It’s not the fact that I can never understand what the heck they are saying . . .

Or that they consider scuba masks with trench coats a fashion statement . . .

chatting with dreddyIt’s not even that they enjoy finding creative ways to murder teenagers, because every villain on this show does that . . . (bo-ring!)

Honestly, the Dredd Doctors freak me out, because they are such unbelievable pigs!

You want to know why all your little medical experiments are such “failures”, Dredd Doctors?

Perhaps, it has something to do with the fact that you operate on your “patients” on top of cars . . .

zoinc. . . or on dirty floors and rusted operating tables . . .

trac wolf

. . . reusing the same bloody medical equipment over and over again . . .


. . . after “sterilizing” it in murky gross vomit water with little (but not cute) creatures living inside it . . .

nasty stuff

. . . and then, after you operate, you leave all these kids’ wounds exposed, gory and festering . . .

dirty tabblood wound

They have these things called Bandaids now, Dredd Doctors. Maybe it’s time you learned to use them . . .


As if it wasn’t frustrating enough that the Dredd Doctors’ MO is murky at best: (Make the best wuzzle ever? Kill all the teenagers in Beacon Hills? Make everyone hallucinate for no conceivable reason? Turn Scott into a whiny b*tch?), they don’t even seem to be particularly good at their job!

A nice young studly doctor in a white lab coat, with a hospital full of sterile medical equipment, (not to mention lots and lots of bandaids!) would make way better wuzzles than these Dredd Dorks . . . just saying . . .


Anywhoo, let’s review, mmm-kay?

[As always, a special thanks to Andre, who somehow manages to make an episode that, to me, looked like a big ole ugly infected wound, into a work of screencapping art!]

Deaton Goes on Spring Break

Possibly because flights to Disney World, Vegas and Hawaii were too expensive (Since no one in Beacon Hills lives long enough to get themselves a pet, the vet business in Beacon Hills isn’t what it used to be.), Deaton decides to take his annual vacation to . . . a water treatment facility somewhere in Europe that is seemingly identical to the one in Beacon Hills?

Talk about a waste of frequent flier miles!

cryptic vetApparently, the Dredd Doctors were there too. The Dredd Doctors just looooove water treatment facilities, which makes me really glad my liquid diet consists entirely of Sugar Free Energy Drinks and wine. Water is dangerous!

We know this particular water treatment facility is a hang out for the Dredd Doctors because it has their logo on it, the Ouroboros, which is basically a snake eating its tail. I don’t about you, but if I was a Franken Doctor, I would choose a mascot that inspired a bit more confidence . . .. like, for example, ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WHOLE WORLD!

ouroborosEating your own body parts is just a bad idea generally. I mean, I bite my nails on occasion, but you don’t see me listing it as a skill on my resume . . .

At the water treatment facility, Deaton meets Malia’s mom, the Desert Wolf, who helpfully kills Deaton’s Russian-accented friend, so that the two can have a “private conversation.” Why is Malia’s mom hanging out at a random water treatment facility in Europe? I don’t know. I decided to stop asking logical questions about this show around the same time Dead Peter became a ghost teenage version of himself, so that Lydia could dig up his grave and make out with his rotted corpse.

Anywhoo, Malia’s mom wants to kill Malia, supposedly, but hasn’t been able to do so for 18 years, even though she’s supposedly the best hit woman in the whole wide world.

kill againNice to meet you, Desert Wolf. You are going to fit right in on this show!

Meanwhile, back in Beacon Hills, Scott is frustrated, because Baby Wolf Liam has been kidnapped, and his Alpha Wolf nostrils can’t smell the kid anymore.

disturbedDamn you, Old Spice Deodorant! DAMN YOUUUUUUUU!!!!!

At the Adult Table . . .

Mama McCall is quickly becoming my second favorite character on this show. (First, is Stiles, obviously.) This makes me feel old and very uncool, but also like I have good taste, because Mama McCall is awesome. (Giving birth to Scott, notwithstanding.)

wordShe calls her soon-to-be boyfriend, Sheriff Stilinski over to her house to help her with a rather pressing matter. “You’re a strong man, aren’t you Sheriff Stilinski?” Mama McCall inquires coyly. “Think you could help me move this monster teen’s corpse with Kira’s sword in it off my kitchen table for me? It is really hard to serve pot roast on top of her, as the murder weapon keeps getting in the way.”

suspic“You do realize I have to report this dead body to the rest of the police department, don’t you?” Sheriff responds judgmentally.

“Oh, don’t be such a stick in the mud!” Mama McCall complains. “Teens on this show have the lifespans of fruit flies. Who is going to miss another dead one? This one didn’t even get a name. Now, move her, so I can eat my dinner!”

the deadbody in kit“No!” Sheriff Stilinski retorts. “This girl is dead and your son’s girlfriend killed her. I’m going to make sure she gets the death penalty, and try to get your son thrown in jail too, for having such awful taste in women. I’m not sure that’s a crime per se, but I’ll find a way to make it one.”

“Are you just behaving this way, so viewers will understand why Stiles is so freaked out about telling you he killed that punk who wanted to murder you in self-defense?” Mama McCall inquires.

“Pretty much,” responds Sheriff Stilinski.

moving slapSo, Mama McCall does what any woman would do while hanging out with a corpse and a cop in the kitchen, she smacks Sheriff Stilinski in the face. “And to think, I was going to have sex with you on this murder table!” She mutters under her breath.

Mama McCall isn’t done having foreplay with Stiles’ dad yet though. She pops down to the station later on to file a police report about the dead body that is basically a recap of Seasons 1 through 5 of Teen Wolf.

“You know, I can’t file this, Melissa!” Sheriff Stilinski scolds. “There are way too many plot holes and inconsistent character development. Plus, who the heck is this Danny character? He’s around for four seasons, then he just disappears and everyone forgets he existed?”

sassy momThen, Mama McCall and Sheriff Stilinski start having hot angry hate sex right on Sheriff Stilinski’s desk . . . or at least they would if I wrote this episode . . .

Out on some random street, Kira is wandering around in a daze. So, Hayden’s sister tricks her into getting into the back of the cop car and arrests her for murder. Of course, she doesn’t read Kira her Miranda rights, so the arrest is totally invalid. But hey, at least they got the police code right. It’s 187 for homicide, like that 50 Cent song!

187 homicideKira’s dad confesses to the murder in Kira’s place, even though he totally thinks his daughter is a psycho fox killer, who will most definitely strike again. This makes him a good dad (better than Stiles’ dad!), but a bad member of society.

kira modeMeanwhile, over in the most unsanitary water treatment facility ever . . .

“Her condition worsens.”

The adorable Hayden and Liam are lying on matching operating tables, so that the Dredd Doctors can inject them with dirty water, and chop little pieces out of them for no logical reason. When the Dredd Doctors are done doing this, they leave the two teens on the dirty floor. They do this even though the operating tables aren’t in use, and it would make more sense to keep the teens on the tables, separated from one another, so they can’t (1) plot their escape; and (2) DIE FROM NASTY FLOOR INFECTIONS!

gross floorLiam tries to take Hayden’s pain from her by squeezing her hand in his own, but it doesn’t work, because his hands are not where Liam’s strength lies. (As we will find out, by the end of the episode, there are other parts of his body that are much stronger.)

mad about tLiam and Hayden are then taken to another room, where they meet another wuzzle, whose name is Zac, but whom, for purposes of convenience, I will call Exposition Chimera. Exposition Chimera helpfully tells Liam and Hayden that this is where the Dredd Doctors take all their failures, so they can morph into monsters, bleed silver, and then be subsequently murdered.

Exposition Chimera then shows Liam and Hayden his back, where he used to have wings, before the Dredd Doctors inexplicably chopped them off.   We know they used to be wings, because the Dredd Doctors are terrible at using scissors, and only cut off ¾ of the wings, so that two p*nis-like stubs can stick out of Exposition Chimera’s back.

my beck wiggle ing

Having given us all the information we need for this episode, which, honestly, isn’t much, Exposition Chimera starts bleeding silver, and is subsequently dragged away by the Dredd Doctors.

“Don’t worry,” Liam reassures Hayden. “Scott will save us before we bleed silver.”

“Scott?” Hayden inquires. “Isn’t that your loser friend who took a nap, while we got kidnapped, and has asthma, but needed you to growl at him so that he could remember how to use his inhaler?”

huh law“Yeah, that’s him,” Liam responds.

“We are SOOO dying!” Hayden replies.

We Interrupt this Important Plot Point to Bring You Deputy Parrish (a.k.a your friendly neighborhood Naked Garbage Man), in a Towel . . .

cleaned up speak up wearing a towel

You are welcome . . .

Reading is Fun. . . damental

Teen Wolf continues its war against literacy, when Kira angrily throws her Dredd Doctor book against the wall. “Mom, I’m supposed to read this book for Scott’s book club. But it’s a really sucky book with boring villains, so I can’t finish it. Also, I’m illiterate this season, because I’m dumb as a fox. Get it? Dumb as a fox? See, that was a clever play on a well-known saying the likes of which you’d never read in this crappy book,” Kira complains.

cant read kira“You should read the book backwards then,” Kira’s mom offers.

“But then I won’t understand it,” Kira argues.

“Which is exactly how fans feel about this Dredd Doctor plot . . .” Kira’s mom notes wisely.

bookKira reads the book backwards, and it causes her to remember that time in the premiere episode, when the Dredd Doctors experimented on her right in the middle of a traffic jam on Highway 115, in front of thousands of people, but nobody cared or tried to stop it, including her parents, because most drivers are selfish bastards.

best expWe interrupt this important plot point to bring you the first initial of Stiles’ real name

m stil

It’s “M”. Even though a few seasons back it was “G”.

genimYou are welcome . . .

Finding Liam

Desperate to locate Baby Wolf and Little Miss Baby Wolf, an increasingly desperate Scott rapes the back of chimera Corey’s neck to tap into his memories. Evil Theo watches him do this, and silently reminds himself to wear turtlenecks every day for the rest of the season . . .

neck tap liking neck tapOnce Corey’s neck has been successfully impregnated, Scott draws what he was thinking about during the whole neck fondling incident. It looks a bit like this . . .

drawingnow kiss cartoon

Just kidding. He draws the water plant! Scott, Malia and Mason immediately head there to find the baby wolves, while Theo continues to grill Corey on the information that was conveniently left out during the whole neck rape thing, like WHERE IN THE HUGE WATER PLANT CHIMERAS ARE ACTUALLY KEPT.

Long story short. Scott, Malia and Mason wander around the water plant aimlessly for hours, while Scott cries for his mother, and puffs on his inhaler. Then, Theo rescues both Baby Wolves in about the amount of time it takes someone to take a leak after they drank a small glass of soda . . .

open sesameIn the car, on the way home, Liam the PLAYA has come up with another idea on how to remove Hayden’s pain. He’s going to do it with his p*nis! Just kidding . . . it’s with his tongue. But still. Smooth, Liam, very smooth!

the mack daddTheo creepily watches the pair of baby wolves eating each others’ faces off in his rearview mirror, and contemplates canceling his internet porn subscription. Between this, and his front row seat to the neck raping earlier this episode, he’s totally covered in the sexual desires department.

creepin on

A Naked Garbage Man’s Job is Never Done

Back at the morgue, Parrish successfully mists an entire police force to steal yet another body, and is back on the job before you can say, “These cops are terrible!”

another body

Parrish acts so shady throughout the whole episode that it’s pretty much as if he’s wearing a t-shirt that says, “The Naked Garbage Man: Carrying Dead Bodies to a Tree without Wearing any Underwear Since Episode 2.”

soking dub

“I knew I should never have smoked those twelve doobies before coming to work. So incredibly baked right now.”

But just in case you happen to be illiterate like Kira, he also leaves his nametag at the scene for Lydia to find.

“For most people, this would be a total dating dealbreaker,” Lydia explains. “But if you’ve met any of my previous boyfriends, you’d know that psychopathy, multiple personality disorder, and a generalized fear of wearing clothes are pretty much my three biggest turn-ons.”

lydia smirk

Scott has a Major Case of the Sads

Good news, Kira’s dad fans . . . or should I say, the one person who really likes Kira’s dad . . . who is probably Kira’s mom? No dead body equals no murder, so the cops have to let him go.

Once this happens, Kira and her family decide to skip town, so that Kira won’t accidentally murder someone and leave her dead body on his boyfriend’s mom’s kitchen table. (I mean, obviously, she’ll keep murdering people, she’ll just leave them on kitchen tables that don’t belong to her boyfriend’s mom.)

poor kira

Kira’s fox self has been hitting the steroids hard, since it first appeared on the show . . .

old fox

Kira says goodbye to Scott, and the Lord is so sad about this that he cries raindrops down on them from Heaven. I’m not talking one or two tears here either. This is some serious ugly-face cry, bawling that’s going on here.

mackin in the rainpeace

We end the episode with Scott sitting in a closet, holding the leash of a dead dog. The pathetic scene is pretty much a metaphor for the character’s super crappy life right now.   “I am the worst True Alpha ever,” Scott mopes.

dead dog leash

“Yeah, pretty much,” Mama McCall agrees. “Now, if you excuse me, I’m going to see if I can find Sheriff Stilinski on Tinder, so I can right swipe his ass all night long.”

climb that like a tree badelaI love Mama McCall! Until next time, Werebangers!


Filed under Teen Wolf

Daydream Believer – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Strange Frequencies”

haha scott impaled

Love hurts . . .

Those wacky head shrinking Dredd Doctors are at it again, Werebangers! For the second episode in a row they are hard at work, forcing our Scooby Gang to confront their darkest fears and kinkiest sex fantasies, one CGI’ed hallucination at a time.

Question: Why they are doing this, when it seemingly has no conceivable link to their ultimate plan to craft the ultimate teenage chimera murder machine?

Answer: Because mentally torturing teens is hilarious, obviously . . .

nodding oh yeah

Also because when the characters are spending 98% of their screen time battling Big Bads each week, the most convenient type of character development is not the kind which is deftly drawn out through dialogue, facial and body language (Zzzzzzzzz, bo-ring!), but the kind that is beat into viewers brains with a sledge hammer and ground into a fine paste.

Let’s psychoanalyze, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to Andre, whose screencaps are always so spectacular, that I sometimes find myself wondering whether the episode he watched was better than the one I did.]

Playing Hard to Get Versus Just Getting Hard

When we last left Evil Theo and Stiles, Evil Theo had just saved Stiles life from a guy who liked to eat electric wires so much! It was like he was a hormonal female, and the wires were his favorite brand of potato chips for that special time of month (You can’t eat just one!).

“Hey, speaking of dead teens with effed up teeth, how about that douchebag you impaled a couple of weeks back. His chompers were insane, am-I-right?” Evil Theo brings up conversationally.


“Grrrrr, Evil Theo,” fumes Stiles. “It makes me totally furious that you would know about my deep dark past of two days ago, because I totally hate your guts, and aren’t at all interested in ripping off your clothes to have sex with you. So, you know what I’m going to do? I’m going to throw your Adonis body hard against this chain link fence, grip your strong muscular shoulders in my fingertips, press my face millimeters from yours, and show you just how not attracted to you I actually am.”

better now kissnow kiss cartoon

“This is spectacular! Everyone on this show wants me!” Theo exclaims to himself, laughing maniacally, as he thumbs the lettering on his ‘I am Evil’ t-shirt. “After I murder a litter of puppies, engage in some light devil worshipping, suffocate some adorable babies, and have intense animalistic sex with Kira and Malia, I am totally going to come back and have my way with Stiles.”

now kiss

“OK, so here’s the deal. I won’ t tell Scott you are a murderer, if you don’t tell him I’m a murderer,” Theo offers his new boyfriend.   “And just to make sure our mutual friend isn’t at all suspicious of us, we should (1) never play ‘Never Have I Ever’ with Scott at a party, just in case he’s tempted to say “Never have I ever murdered a hot teenage boy with weird teeth, in which case we would both have to drink, obviously, because no one can lie during ‘Never Have I Ever’. It’s the law. (2) Bring him this dead body to fondle, as we know how much virtuous Scott loves to manhandle the bodies of the recently deceased.”

“Awesome ideas, Theo!” Stiles responds. “Let’s also put some sunglasses on Dead-y over here, so we can drive around Beacon Hills with him in the back seat, and pretend he’s still alive, Weekend at Bernies’ style.”

Weekend-at-BerniesMeanwhile, Liam is trying to charm his love interest, Hayden (I tried so hard not to learn her name, but then the Dredd Doctors said it about 85 times this episode, just to screw with my plans), by telling her she is a science experiment gone horribly wrong. Now, if a line like that isn’t enough to make your panties drop, ladies, you must be dead inside!

hayden wait

get away

Then, Liam doubles down on the seduction techniques, by transforming into monster, and trying to chew Hayden’s face off . . .

Hayden is unimpressed . . . possibly because she is legitimately dead inside . . . because the Dredd Doctors made her that way. So, she punches Liam in the face and runs away.

scared face punch

These two are going to be the best couple ever!

face plant

Habeas Corpus (Translation: “You should have the body.”)

Scott is thrilled that Evil Theo and Stiles have brought him a brand new sexy chimera body to play with.

“I really hope that bastard, Naked Garbage Man, doesn’t take this one from me, like he took all the other ones,” Scott pouts. “I mean, seriously. What’s a guy got to do to keep a corpse as a pet around here?”

scott dog dish“Stiles and I will babysit the body for you tonight, while we have sex in the car outside,” Evil Theo offers generously.

“What?” Scott asks, confused.

yet another scott face

“I said Stiles and I will babysit the body for you tonight, and Naked Garbage Man will have nowhere to hide,” Evil Theo covers cleverly.

“We will also keep the video camera on my cell phone trained on the body, so we can see who tries to take it. I am offering to use my cell phone to film this eight-hour snuff film, because even though I want everyone to believe I’m dirt poor, my cell phone has an insane unlimited data plan,” explains Stiles.

Stiles and Scott conveniently leave Evil Theo alone for a few minutes, so he can yell at one of the Dredd Doctors for not keeping him in the loop on the whole Naked Garbage Man thing. “Inconsequential,” the Dredd Doctor repeats over and over again to Theo’s lecture.


chatting with dreddyWhy? No reason. It’s just a cool word . . .

Back on the spinoff show Baby Wolf and Friends, Hayden’s car has mysteriously broken down, and the radio in it will only play one channel: It’s All Dredd Doctors, All the Time. Now, the Dredd Doctors may be totally awesome at Frankenscience and giving people hallucinations that are thinly veiled metaphors for their life, but they suck at other stuff . . . like talking. This makes them horrible disc jockeys for the radio station to which Hayden is being forced to listen.


First of all, the Dredd Doctors are nearly impossible to understand most of the time . . . they sound like I imagine Darth Vader would sound . . . if he was lying at the bottom of the ocean underneath something very heavy.

darth vader

“Hey, I resemble that remark.”

And then, when you do manage to hear what they are saying, it’s almost always something totally lame. (The word “inconsequential” notwithstanding.) Here’s what they say on Hayden’s radio: “Hayden . . . Hayden . . . Hayden . . . (wait for it) . . . Hayden.”

And “Your condition improves.”

Fortunately, Liam hops on top of her car, and bashes in the window, to free her from the mind-numbing nonsense of bad radio.

running tog

So, to recap, Hayden and Liam repeatedly punch one another in the face. And when they aren’t doing that, they are destroying one another’s private property on a regular basis. How can you not ship these two?

make up for

(Recapper’s note: In all seriousness, I actually do ship these two, which I think makes me a terrible person . . .)

Speaking of terrible people . . .

Child Abuse is Adorable!

Kira’s been calling out sick lately from Scott’s Scooby Games, because she might be possessed like Stiles was a season or so ago, and doesn’t want it to interfere with her friends’ Fight Against Evil, which makes her super considerate as far as possessed people go . . .

Kira’s parents aren’t satisfied though, and decide to trick her into going to school on the weekend, so Kira’s mom can try to impale her with a katana. At first, Kira doesn’t fight back, because it’s her mom, and she’s like, old and stuff. But then, Kira’s mom is all “Come at me, BIATCH!”

fight mewtfmom

She starts really coming at Kira hard, and getting all stabby with her.

they fight howduken

So, eventually Kira starts to fight back, and knocks the sword out of her mom’s hand. Kira’s mom immediately crumbles in the corner, looking totally horrified and insulted that her daughter had the nerve to defend herself against her mother’s TRYING TO KILL HER. HOW DARE SHE? She should have just rolled over and died, dammit.

Kira’s mom blames the kitsune on Kira’s violent behavior. But, personally, I blame her parents being assholes . . .


Later that night, Kira’s mom gets back at Kira for the whole defending herself thing, by sticking a bunch of needles in her back. She says it’s to help “balance” the power between Kira’s human self and her foxy self. But if I wanted balance, I’d buy myself a scale, not impale myself multiple times over just for fun . . .

sad kira

Kira starts to cry, and Kira’s mom asks her if she’s in pain. “DUH! OBVIOUSLY, SHE’S GOT ABOUT 85,000 NEEDLES IN HER BACK!”

(Yeah, I know . . . I know, acupuncture is supposed to be about pressure points, and it’s generally not supposed to be painful. But considering this woman just tried to kill her barely legal daughter a few moments ago, excuse me for being a bit suspicious.)

I actually felt kind of vindicated when Kitsu-Kira, took all those damn needles out of her back, used them to make the number 115 on the headboard of her bed, and escaped, leaving her asshat parents to think about what they’d done.   Hopefully fox Kira was smart enough to call Child Services on her way out the door . . .


In Which Every Supporting Character in Beacon Hills is Gay (and wants to sleep with Mason)

i got thisWatch out, Evil Theo. You’ve got competition in the Sex Pot Department. Mason’s been macking it with so many chimeras and wolves lately, his tongue probably has rabies.

He gets another one this week. This time it’s the boyfriend of the chimera he made out with a couple weeks ago, before the latter was brutally murdered. (AWK-WARD!) Mason flirts with him long enough to realize, by golly, he’s a super healing chimera too!

Hey Mason, do you have any chimera in you?

No? Do you want some?

I love you like you’re my sister . . . who I may have murdered, coincidentally.

his eyes yelOutside on Sexy Stakeout, Evil Theo and Stiles eye f*&k one another so hard that if one of them was a woman she’d probably be pregnant by now. Evil Theo is trying to convince Stiles that murdering people is totally cool, if they are douchebags like Donovan and the guy who ate electric wires all the time. “See, I killed Electric Wire Eater, and my eyes didn’t even turn Murderer Blue. That’s God’s way of saying he approves,” Theo explains.

Or it’s because you are not an actual werewolf, but a chimera, made by science, and, therefore, not bound by wolf law . . .

“Yeah . . . I have to admit killing Donovan was kind of fun, especially when all that blood poured out of his mouth like a geyser, and it kind of looked like chocolate . . . a chocolate geyser,” Stiles admits.

more impale“You remind me so much of my sister, who I pushed off a bridge, so she broke her leg and fell near a lake. And then I watched as she died of hypothermia,” says Theo.

a little help

“Um? A little help here? I’m dying, kind of?”

closeup evil face

“Not really feeling up to it, to be honest. It looks a little chilly down there.”

“WHAT??!!!” Stiles asks incredulously.

mistrust“I said I really want us to be friends. And you are hot. So, I’ll always protect you, and occasionally bone your brains out.”

“That second thing you said, didn’t sound at all like the first thing you said,” Stiles muses suspiciously.

car flirt

“Do you smell something burning?” Theo asks, quick to change the subject.

Speaking of burning . . .

The Scooby Gang (and new chimera, Hayden) all gather at the school. They have this ridiculous idea that they are going to trap the Dredd Doctors there by using high frequency dog whistles or something. Parrish is there too, because he has no friends his own age, and finds all girls over the age of 18, so crusty, old and gross.

“Hey Scott, I know you are supposed to be like my were-dad or something, but I think it’s kind of mean that you are dangling my new girlfriend in front of a bunch of psycho killers, and making her wear a sign on her back that says ‘Please brutally murder me,’” Liam admits.

liam doesn't like it“Don’t sass me, boy,” Scott lectures. “This is an excellent plan. Trust me, nothing will go wrong.”

“You’re right, Wolf Daddy. I’m sorry,” capitulates Liam.

cuddlingFive seconds later, everything goes straight to hell . . .

The Dangers of Kinky Sex Without a Safe Word

It’s Dredd Doctor Hallucination time! Let’s start with the sexy ones and work our way back, OK?

Anybody who has ever watched the trailer for Fifty Shades of Grey knows that all weird sex should come with a safe word, to make it stop when things get too intense. Ideally, that word should be something you wouldn’t normally say during sex anyway, like “Ohhh,” or “Ahhh,” or “Owwww,” or “Are you almost done? Big Brother starts in five minutes.”

Parrish and Scott clearly didn’t get the memo about the safe words . . .

Parrish is sitting outside the school in his cop car, fondling his Lydia playing card, when Lydia herself appears in the flesh. Now, THAT is a great magic trick!

macking it

We know something is off about this soon-to-be sex scene immediately, because (1) Lydia is wearing a completely different outfit than the one she had on a few minutes ago; and (2) Lydia is ravaging Parrish like he is a juicy steak, and she has been on an all kale smoothie diet for weeks.

Sometime during the sex act, Lydia’s makeup comes off, and she starts to look a little rough . . .

do you think im prettyJust kidding! Parrish completely burns off her face with his Naked Garbage Man hotness. Fortunately, Lydia doesn’t seem to mind a bit . . . Talk about a ride or die, girl!

not liking thisClearly the Dredd Doctors have tapped into both Parrish’s guilt at desiring a high schooler, and his fear that he may be an Evil Naked Garbage Man, who burns kids bodies on a big ole tree, just for fun . . .

All this self-awareness really pisses off Parrish, as we will see in just a bit.

Elsewhere in sexual guilt land, Scott is beating himself up over the fact that he’s totally turned off by Kira, now that she’s constantly wearing that dorky fox costume, and is kind of evil . . .

So, of course, his Dredd Doctor Fantasy involves rough kinky sex with Kira that ends in his own demise.

more impale haha die sonBut what a way to go, am I right, boys?

The Trap Queens

The girls’ Dredd Doctor fears are a bit more shallow then the boys, which is saying a lot considering what you’ve just read above.

Malia spent eight years of her life as a coyote, living in a town covered in coyote traps placed by her own father, so of course, her fear would look something like this . . .

great trapLydia is a really good kisser, so her fear involves the ripping out of her tongue . . .

her tongue gorryJust kidding, I think the loss of tongue fear comes from Lydia worrying that she will never truly be able to harness her banshee power (i.e. her scream) in a way that can actually help her friends. And if that’s the case, then she might as well not have that power at all . . .

In which the most likeable character on the show is murdered, a.k.a Stiles’ jeep

So, remember how I told you that Parrish was really angry that the Dredd Doctors called him out, via hallucination, for being a creeper. (Not to mention the terrible case of these, he undoubtedly received . . .)

blue ballsWell, Parrish’s anger ended up being bad news for Evil Theo, who got punched in the face. Worse news for Stiles, who got smushed under his car, when Parrish knocked it over. But it was the worst news for Stiles’ poor jeep, Roscoe, which Parrish burned to death.

awesome punch great stiles(I wonder if Theo would consider THIS justifiable homicide . . . you know . . . due to the whole blue balls thing. Not to say that the blue balls were Roscoe’s fault, or anything . . . )

Speaking of Evil Theo, he rescues Stiles from the burning car, saving his life A-GAIN, while Naked Garbage Man Parrish conveniently gets away with yet another chimera body completely unnoticed . . .

gotcha boddyAm I being naïve to think, Stiles may be able to revive Roscoe for one more car accident . . . just for old times sake?

Just in case I am, R.I.P. Roscoe. You will truly be missed.   I always liked you better than Scott . . .

In which Scott shows himself to suck just as much at fishing as he does at regular life

When Scott and friends are all done daydreaming, they learn that the Dredd Doctors have kidnapped Liam and Hayden . . . oops.

we screwed up

You see, that’s the thing about bait. In order for it to work, you actually have to keep it attached to the fishing line, not just throw it to the fish, and hope they come onto your line out of the goodness of their hearts . . .

kidnapedWell . . . THAT happened . . .

Having a slightly better day than her son is Scott’s mom. Not only did she have a pretty adorable flirt session with Sheriff Stilinski (Take that, Lydia’s mom!), she also figured out the relationship between the chimeras. As it turns out, all of them had surgical procedures in which dead people’s body parts were attached to there’s, making them real chimeras/ wuzzles before they became fake monstery ones.

figure it out tog

Scott’s mom is feeling pretty darn good about herself, when she arrives home from work. So, of course, Jeff Davis has to crap on that . . .

dead body screamUntil next time, Werebangers!


Filed under Teen Wolf

Scott versus The Paperback – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Required Reading”

cant read at all

Throughout the seasons of Teen Wolf, Scott McCall and his wolfpack have battled numerous formidable enemies . . . and the Alpha Pack, which was totally lame, obviously.  They have fought Evil Alphas, Kanaimas, Daraches, Berserkers, and a really grumpy-old man, always ultimately reigning victorious.

funny face grandpa

But now, Scott McCall must face down a new evil, one much more terrifying than all the rest.  And that evil is . .  . a paperback novel at a fourth-grade reading level!

4 4 derek zooland

As a recapper who regularly joked about the thinly-veiled illiteracy of Scott and his wolf pack, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel mildly vindicated by the fact that Jeff Davis and co made this into an actual plot point.  Let’s put it this way, of all the main characters in this series, the only one who was actually able to finish that crappy dimestore novel without taking a break for “naptime,” was the one who spent half her young life, eating roadkill and sh*tting in the woods . . .

deer eat

But what really made Dredd Doctors: A Novel so horrifying, at least to our characters, was not that it was simply “too hard” for our heroes to comprehend (because it was!), it was the memories that attempting to read it brought to the surface of each of the main characters’ minds . . . (none of which actually had to do with the Dredd Doctors, like they were supposed to . . . but hey, why mess with a formula that works, in order to do something as silly as advance plot , right?)

nodding oh yeah

That’s right Werebangers. “Required Reading” was this season’s “Motel California,” and “Party Guessed.” Like these two previous episodes, which, in my mind were two of the strongest in the series’ history, “Required Reading” utilized (though not quite as successfully as its predecessors) a mixture of hallucination and repressed memory to illuminate aspects of our characters’ (like Lydia and Stiles) psyche that wouldn’t necessarily be evident at first blush.


They also made Scott look like an even bigger doofus than usual. . .

no idea what im doing

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always a special thanks to Andre for all the awesome screencaps you see here.  Without them, this recap would probably as much fun to read as Dredd Doctors: A Novel .  . .]

Digging up those HOLES

The cops find eight holes dug up on the football field, and Sheriff Stilinski thinks they each represent new chimeras, i.e just enough freaks of the week for each new episode of this season.  “Though in some episodes, we will probably have to double up on freaks, so everyone on Team Chimera gets a chance to play,” the Sheriff Muses.

I, on the other hand, think Shia LeBeouff dug up those holes, as part of his juvenile delinquent sentence, after he was falsely accused of stealing some sneakers that fell on his head .. .

digging holes


The Sheriff and Malia then helpfully recap our past freaks of the week, by literally X’ing out pictures of their faces with red marker a la Emily Thorne from Revenge.  Excluded from this board is that creepy black-faced guy from the premiere, because he is not an attractive Abercrombie-model looking teenager, and Teen Wolf, therefore, would like you to forget he existed.  Or, if not forget he existed, at least forget what he looked like . . .

Donovan is hot and young enough looking to be included in this list though!


Sheriff S wants to put an X over his nemesis’ face, but can’t because he hasn’t seen is corpse yet.  And he hasn’t seen his corpse yet, because our Friendly Neighborhood Naked Garbage man has already converted it to Evil Tree Fertilizer.  “Every horror movie ever has taught me that ‘no dead body’ equals ‘no dead teenager,” Sheriff S helpfully offers.

no sharpie

“That’s generally true, except for those situations where said dead teenager, gets made into a shishkabob by a falling ladder part, and his innards erupt into a puddle of grey goo,” mutters Stiles under his breath.

on the board

“What?”  Sheriff S and Malia ask.

“I said ‘I’m really hungry for shishkabobs, and I love you too,” replies Stiles.

Then Stiles pees in his pants, because his continued guilt over this asshat’s death is essential to the plot, even though it was totally done in self-defense, and if his dad had watched him do it, he probably would have cheered him on . . .

on the board

ep 8 stiles dad hug fyeah

Briefly during this scene, the characters pose the question of what the chimeras have in common, that makes the Dredd Doctors seek them out, when they are still human.  My theory . . . they’ve all had organs removed  / transplanted.  But more on that in a bit . . .

Punch me if you are horny, baby

orgy face

“Oh, I know, it hurts so good, baby! So good!”

Half naked, Parrish and Lydia, get hot and sweaty together to pop music under the guise of “jujitsu training.”  The lessons don’t go particularly well, because every time Parrish tries to disarm and take down Lydia, she feels the need to sigh amorously and nuzzle her head into his neck.  And he feels the need to take a break so he can sniff her hair and fondle her breasts.

marrish 1

Apparently, all this foreplay somehow managed to transform Lydia into the badass ninja we saw in the season opener.  I suspect this is because Parrish transferred his ninja powers to the banshee by infusing them into her boobs, while the two were getting to second base .  . .

marrish 2

Mid nipple tease, Lydia gets a Dredd Doctor flashback of some sort, which totally turns her off to future sex acts . . . er . . . I mean “martial arts training” with Parrish.

Don’t worry, Parrish.  I hear bursting into flames on top of a corpse encrusted evil tree is a great cure for blue balls . . . better than cold showers and a self-inflicted hand job, even!

phoenix parrish

blue balls

Scott McCall’s Book Club for Kids Who Can’t Read Good

cant read kira

words disappear

Scott’s entire Scooby Gang meet to read the Dredd Doctor book together, while laying on top of one another on the couch, because apparently reading is contact sport in Scott McCall’s world.  It’s also exhausting, obviously, because after reading exactly two pages a piece, everyone falls asleep.  I suspect this is because most of the crew’s idea of “reading” is doing this . . .


(Kira, at least has an excuse, according to Mason, because foxes are like soooo illiterate.  Everyone else is just dumb and/or lazy.)

sleepin stiles sleepin

Once the group is safely comatose, Theo helpfully changes into his “I am Evil” t-shirt, grows a black mustache from his baby face, so he can twirl it malevolently, and creeps up to Kira’s bedroom, so he can leer over her for a few minutes like a child molester, and tape her sleep talking with his iPhone.

creeper watch

“Hey Scott,” Theo says to his new/old pal the next morning.  “You don’t know this, but while you were passed out last night after an excruciating  twenty minutes spent sounding out the word ‘Doctor,’ I went up to your girlfriend’s bedroom and dry humped her while she was unconscious.  Does that bother you at all?”


“No, should it?”  Scott inquires, clearly confused.

(Other things that confuse, Scott: sneakers that come with shoe-laces instead of Velcro, double-sided tape, and doors that have the word “Push” written on them, even though they have handles . . .)

“Cool, well, I also taped her pillow talk, and then typed what she said into Google Translate.  It turns out her and her fox costume want to murder us all!”

kira mode

“Dude, you are so racist.  Not every phrase in Japanese automatically means, ‘I want to murder you all.  Only like 95 % of them do!’” Scott retorts.

“Did you hear me, Scott?  I said I found it on Google Translate.  And Google Translate never ever takes sentences out of context, or attributes to them American meanings that don’t jive with what they actually mean in other countries!”  Theo argues.

“Oh . . . well, in that case, I hate Kira now.  She is evil, and we are totally breaking up,” responds Scott.


“Then, you won’t mind if I have sex with her then, me being secretly evil, and really sh*tty at hiding it and all?  I think we’d be a good love match.”  Theo muses

“Didn’t you already have sex with her last night?”  Scott asks.

“No, we just dry humped . . .” Theo offers.

“OK then, be my guest,” replies Scott.

“Thanks, you are the best!” Theo responds, before heading off to the gym to corrupt and steal Stiles’ girlfriend too!

Obligatory Shirtless Scene in 3 . . . 2 . . .

takes off evil shirt

In the school gym, Theo sees Malia coming to visit him, and quickly disrobes, so that he can hypnotize her into submission with his sexy man nipples.

theo shirt off

“I think I’m supposed to be having a conversation with you about how I’m lying to my boyfriend about how my mom, the desert wolf, killed my adoptive mom, but I am too intoxicated by the smell of your man musk, and the way your pecs look covered in sweat to really concentrate on what’s being said in this scene,” says Malia.


“Mwah-hahahaha,” Theo laughs evilly, wishing he didn’t have to be naked for Malia, so he could put on his ‘I am Evil’ shirt again.  (How else will Teen Wolf fans realize this guy is up to no good, if they aren’t reminded of it every three seconds?)

her face

That Will Teach You to Read Books!

see it

Now is the part of the episode, where our main characters get punished for trying to be scholarly.  First up is Lydia.  While helping a fellow student, who she thinks is a chimera, but who actually just suffers from trichotillomania (Google it!) . . .

hair pull

. .  she flashes back to a time when she accidentally walked into Eichen House to find her grandmother bleeding in a tub, after having supposedly drilled a hole in her own head.  (Though based on the scene where the Dredd Doctors threaten to do the exact same thing to Lydia, Poor Grandma might not be entirely responsible for her own mutilation.)

the grandma drill

“They are coming for us, Lydia.  They are coming for us all,” Grandma warns ominously.

I guess it’s pretty obvious why someone would want to repress an effed up memory like that, am I right?  I mean, seeing your grandma naked?   YIKES!  But also the “hole in head” thing . . .

What’s interesting about this hallucination is that it actually tells us quite a bit about why Lydia might have subconsciously been hiding her own intelligence in the first season or so of the series.  We all assumed she did it to be popular.  But, perhaps, there was a part of Lydia that took her grandmother’s terrifying warning to mean that she should cover up those things that make her different from others (i.e. her genius IQ, her banshee powers, etc) at all costs, or risk being persecuted, or worse, hurt, for it . . .

Speaking of Lydia’s banshee powers, after hearing the name of Liam’s love interest chanted during one of her hallucinations, and seeing the gory operation done by the Dredd Doctors on this week’s nameless freak of the week, Lydia figures out that she is somehow able to tap into the memories of other chimeras.


So, Lydia inexplicably gets new powers every week that have absolutely nothing to do with her being a banshee, which makes her Super Girl, basically.

In other heartbreaking hallucination news, Stiles remembered a time when his mother, suffering from dementia caused by a brain tumor, tried to jump off a roof, because she was convinced that Stiles, who was only ten at the time, was trying to murder her.  She even attacked Stiles when he tried to confront her.

stiles crying trying to kill

Up until this point, we’ve heard bits and pieces about Stiles’ mother’s illness and subsequent death, while getting hints that Stiles felt somehow guilty or responsible for it.  (A perfect example of this was his hallucination during “Party Guessed.”)  However, this is the first time all those pieces are finally put together.

Clearly, there’s a part of Stiles that subconsciously wonders if his mother was right . . . if there is something in Stiles that is inherently wrong or bad.  This part of Stiles may have been what made him such an easy target for possession by the Nogitsune.  It also may explain why Stiles is so wracked with guilt over the part he played in that dirtbag, Donovan’s, death . .  .

he and mom

In Which Liam Appears to Be On a Completely Different Show Than Everyone Else . . .

While the rest of the cast is suffering from identity crises caused by violent hallucinations, Liam is making googly eyes at new love interest Hayden, while he practices lacrosse, and she inexplicably practices soccer two inches away from him, because, apparently, Beacon Hills High only has one sports field left, after the other one became infested with chimera birthing holes.  Isn’t that . . . like . . . dangerous . . . or something?

kicking ball lacrosse swat wathin

Speaking of dangerous?  I bet you all have been losing sleep at night wondering why Love Interest Hayden “hates” Liam.

You haven’t?  Well, too bad.  Because I’m going to tell you, anyway.  Apparently, Liam got into a fight with someone at school, tried to punch him, and accidentally punched Hayden, so her picture for the sixth grade year book was all jacked up.

nose pic

Why does Mason still have Hayden’s sixth grade yearbook picture on his cell phone after all these years? That’s just weird . . .

I get it.  I mean, it’s totally understandable that Hayden would vow vengeance against Liam for life.  After all, your sixth grade yearbook photo is the most important photograph you will ever take in your entire life . . . aside from your wedding photo, and your graduation from high school photo, and your graduation from college photo, and your “I just had a baby” photo, and your EVERY PHOTO YOU’VE EVER TAKEN AFTER THE AGE OF TEN!

During this episode, we also learn why Hayden needs money so badly that she’s whoring herself out as a bar wench every night at the local gay club.  Apparently, she had a kidney transplant, and the medication she needs for it costs $200 a bottle, which she hopes to repay her sister, who is footing the bill.

and sis

So, Hayden is incredibly good at kicking balls, and vain, and poor.  “She must be a chimera,” Liam decides for no reason whatsoever, as he heads to the club to eye screw her some more and pay her back for knocking over her glow sticks a few episodes ago.

(Actually, Hayden’s kidney transplant might actually indicate that she’s a chimera, as evidenced by the fact that according to her sister, she’s suddenly no longer taking her medication, yet experiencing no ill effects from it . ..)

Also, there’s the little fact that Hayden’s eyes get all ghostlike under a blacklight . . .

her eyes

Speaking of chimeras, we meet another one at Club Cinema.  (The Dredd Doctors must really like the gays.)  Did you catch him?  He was the one that complained to Hayden that his glo-stick burned out, then proceeded to effect the electricity of the entire town, by repeatedly eating electric wires, everywhere he went.

his face

Dude! Just buy a flashlight, and be done with it . . .

wasnt me

We’ll talk more about this week’s Freak in a moment.

But first . . . we must talk about how much Scott sucked at life, this week . . .

True Alph-Failure

Sleeping on the job again . . .

Sleeping on the job again . . .

While attempting to sign a drop form for his AP-Bio class, Scott, like Malia, Lydia and Stiles before her had a hallucination about a memory from his past.  In the memory, Scott was attacked by a pack of wolves (who murdered his dog, Roxy?) and it caused him to have his first asthma attack.

sad scott dog leash

Unlike his friends’ hallucinations, Scott’s says nothing at all about his psyche.  It merely notes the irony that a wolf attack initially brought on Scott’s asthma, and a wolf bite cured him of it.

Did I say cured him of it?  Because, apparently, much like herpes, Scott’s asthma is back . . .

Immediately sensing through Pack Mind that his Wolf Daddy is having an asthma attack, despite the fact that Scott has never had an asthma attack in the entire time Liam has known him, Liam rushes to offer Scott an inhaler from a classmate.

Of course, Scott is too dumb to save his own life, so Liam has to go all wolfy on his ass to get him to take a puff in front of a ton of students, possibly blowing his cover as a werewolf in the process.

scott and liam wakes up

In other Scott fail news, at the hospital, a Dredd Doctor crushes Scott’s pilfered inhaler, and he proceeds to lay on the floor and take the abuse like a b*tch, forcing Malia and his own human mother to fight his battle for him . . .

malia fight kick bbox grab kick

“We should never have read that book,” Scott exclaims, as he is cowering in the corner of an elevator like a toddler.

Sure, Scott.  Blame “reading” for your problems . . .

Meanwhile, on a roof somewhere . . .

R.I.P. Electric Wire Eating Guy.  We barely knew ye . . .

yellow eye

If Scott is a failure at life, Stiles fails at luck.  I mean, the poor guy can’t even have a good old-fashioned traumatic hallucination from his past, without his life being put in danger once again.  Stiles awakens from the memory of his own mother attacking him to find Electric-Wire Eating guy doing the same thing.

scared stiles

Fortunately, Evil Theo arrives just in time to quickly and brutally murder Electric Wire Eating Guy, like it’s no big thing.  (Take note, Stiles!)  As we know, most werewolves eyes turn perma-blue after they commit a murder, but Theo’s stay gold, indicating that he might be a chimera as well.  “Don’t tell Scott about my chimera murder, and I won’t tell him about yours,” Theo promises Stiles.  “You can trust me.”

attack theo

bloody hand

“But you are wearing an ‘I am Evil’ t-shirt, drinking blood and murdering a tiny puppy with your bare hands while we are having this conversation,” Stiles muses.

“Yeah, but I’m attractive,” responds Theo.  “And everyone knows that hot people are always honest.”

dont say

“Works for me,” replies Stiles, as he shakes the devil’s bloody paw.

And that was “Required Reading” in a nutshell.  Until next time, Werebangers!

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