Bad Girls Club – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “Darkness on the Edge of Town”

mean girls

Who’s the evilest of them all? Three new contenders for the crown arrive in Storybrooke, but the true winner is someone you’d never expect…unless you saw the promos

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And They All Lived Crappily Ever After – A Recap of Galavant’s Episodes 7 and 8

buddies

It seems like only yesterday (because it more or less was) that we first met Galavant (a singing, pungent-smelling, chicken-loving hero, who looked his absolute best when naked and wet and/or wearing hoodies).

hoodie

Since then, we’ve ventured with him on a four-week journey to win back the heart of the b*tch he inexplicably loved, and rescue an obscure, sparsely populated kingdom from the clutches of an “Evil” King who was supposed to be The Worst but was actually The Best.

shoot with cross

And now here we are at the stunning conclusion of a show that will very likely not be renewed, given its fairly abysmal ratings and the fact that ABC had the genius idea to air its second episode opposite the Golden Globes . . .

lost it galavant

But hey, at least we’re guaranteed to get a happy ending right?

mad var

OK . . . well, not like a totally happy ending (they need to save some conflict for the rare chance we actually get a Season 2), but some things will surely work out for the best, won’t they?

not giving up

Like the mutually attractive Galavant and Princess Lots-of-Last-Names will get to begin their courtship in earnest ?

shakes head 2

Orrrr . . . Gareth and King Evil Dick will belatedly admit their love for one another and rule their glorious kingdom side by side?

shakes head 3

Umm . . . the odious Madalena will finally get what is coming to her?

no emotions

Galavant will get to have his long-awaited Hero Moment?

sad rump

Everybody will get to eat more chicken?

majorly dancing cook

Well . . . one out of five ain’t bad! Let’s review shall we?

You can check out the rest of this recap here.

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Xanax Makes Everything Better – A Recap of Galavant’s Episodes 5 and 6

gervais

Ladies and gentle donkey turds (Madalena’s words, not mine), we have arrived!

arrival

After two weeks of Medieval musical foreplay, and countless songs about lady who-ha’s and male ding dongs, Galavant has finally reached his rousing CLIMAX!

inhales

This is the moment we’ve all been waiting for! The episode where our hero, and the guy who is supposed to be the villain but is actually MY FAVORITE, meet again in (sort of) epic fashion and prepare to do battle for the heart of . . .

. . . this b*tch . . .

maddy

Also this week . . . more guest stars . . . like the guy who made fun of all those Michael Jackson songs in the 80s . . .

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And the British version of Steve Carrell’s character on The Office . . .

dildo

But most importantly, Daisy from Downton Abbey . . .

lumpy

Playing the part of . . . well . . . Anna from Downton Abbey . . .

So reign in your horses and hold on to your drawers, because even the cook gets lucky in this hour . . .

You can check out the rest of this recap here.

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So Many Balls, So Little Time – A Recap of Galavant’s Episodes 3 and 4

appreciate it

Greetings Galavantians! And welcome to week two of ABC’s four-week medieval musical extravaganza, Galavant . . . the show where three quarters of the songs are about male genitalia and I’m still rooting for the bad guy to win.

spitting

While most of you were off enjoying Globes that were Golden, I was busy being entertained by balls of an entirely different sort . . .

. . . or lack thereof, as in the case of this eunuch (who may or may not be Varys from Game of Thrones‘s dumber, but slightly more jovial twin brother) . . .

loss is gain

mad var

No seriously, watching this guy get his non-balls get kicked repeatedly was one of the highlights of this episode, which undoubtedly says terrible things about me as a human being.

Also in the balls category, as in soirees, Galavant’s first half hour featured not one, but two wild and crazy parties (i.e., the kind of balls you won’t find attached to a eunuch’s groin) . . .

. . . neither of which featured Matthew McConaughey or his beard, unfortunately.

72nd Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

livin

And definitely no Meryl Streep.

The second half hour of Galavant was a dream come true for anyone who has ever laid in bed at night and wondered, “Golly gee, I wonder what Lord Grantham from Downton Abbey would look like as a pirate.”

must sked

I know I have!

. . . also MORE BALLS! This time, belonging to This Guy . . .

more than

Let’s review, shall we?

You can check out the rest of this recap here.

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“Maybe You’re Not the Worst Thing Ever” – A Recap of Galavant’s “Joust Friends”

galavant-top-tv-shows-to-look-forward-to

“Your frigid and demanding, I shudder at your call.

Whenever you come near me, my skin begins to crawl.

But sometimes there are moments, I’m not repelled at all.

Maybe, you’re not the worst thing ever.”

- Galavant – Episode 2

So says the final song of the first of two episodes of ABC’s Galavant, an eight-part medieval musical miniseries conveniently squatting in Once Upon a Time’s time slot over the next few weeks. They also pretty much embody my feelings toward the series pilot in general.

Although there were some genuine moments of laugh-out-loud funny, this sitcom gets bogged down by a mish-mash of other ho-hum stuff like a tired musical training montage, a forced will they/won’t they/obviously they will love-hate relationship between the lead and his “princess in distress,” and a few winking Game of Thrones references.

haters going to

(And don’t even get me started on the Galavant-inspired singing commercials we had to endure throughout the hour. If I never hear anyone sing a song about ABC’s Revenge again for as long as I live, it will be too soon . . . although I suspect I will . . . probably as early as next week.)

despise you

On a lighter note, the Evil King is my absolute favorite! Is it terrible that I’m genuinely 100% rooting for the bad guy to win in this one?

picky eater

So, get on your high horses, raise your swords high, and try not to get gravy on your tummy flowers, because it’s time to gallop into the weird, wacky world of Galavant . . .

You can check out the rest of this recap here.

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It’s Always Dawn-est Before the Dark – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “Heroes and Villains”

queens of darkness

Welcome to the mid-season finale of Once Upon a Time, a.k.a. The Episode Where We Learn How Everything That Was Fixed in the Last Episode Will Turn to Crap Just in Time for Part B of the Season. It was an episode jam packed with ooey gooey goodness, and a heaping helping of angst thrown in for good measure. Let’s see, we got a wedding . . .

clapping

. . . well . . . part of a wedding . . .

ouat 4.1 belle

. . . we got to see a bride look in the mirror before her wedding . . .

“What? She couldn’t have waited another 20 minutes, until she got home? What a b*tch! Team Regina all the way!”

Two lovers rekindled their romance . . .

say goodbye

. . . and then . . . un-kindled it.

regina tears

Rumpel had a very good day . . .

everything i desire

. . . followed by a very bad one . . .

im afraid

. . . followed by a trip to the aquarium?

Lots of people made out with one another.

reunited kiss hook

And three very fabulous Drag Queens of Darkness finally found their King.

Let’s review, shall we?

You can check out the rest of this recap here.

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Happily Ever Asshole – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “Shattered Sight”

hell am i

Last week on Once, in the final seconds of the episode, the moment we’d been waiting for all season finally arrived.

The Snow Queen’s wacky plan worked! She broke that mirror. (Seven years bad luck for her!) Then, glass got into the eyes of everyone in Storybrooke and promptly turned them all into a bunch of raving assholes. (Granted, a lot of them were already assholes, but this spell kind of made it like official?)

snowwing brook

Now, Emma and Elsa are in race against time (and assholes) to defeat the Evil Snow Queen and put an end to the Shattered Sight Spell before everybody DIIIIIEEEEEES!

dont trust blondes

No pressure, right?

So put on your safety goggles and get nice and comfortable, because it is ASSHOLE TIME!

You can check out the rest of this recap here.

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