Love hurts . . .
Those wacky head shrinking Dredd Doctors are at it again, Werebangers! For the second episode in a row they are hard at work, forcing our Scooby Gang to confront their darkest fears and kinkiest sex fantasies, one CGI’ed hallucination at a time.
Question: Why they are doing this, when it seemingly has no conceivable link to their ultimate plan to craft the ultimate teenage chimera murder machine?
Answer: Because mentally torturing teens is hilarious, obviously . . .
Also because when the characters are spending 98% of their screen time battling Big Bads each week, the most convenient type of character development is not the kind which is deftly drawn out through dialogue, facial and body language (Zzzzzzzzz, bo-ring!), but the kind that is beat into viewers brains with a sledge hammer and ground into a fine paste.
Let’s psychoanalyze, shall we?
[As always, special thanks to Andre, whose screencaps are always so spectacular, that I sometimes find myself wondering whether the episode he watched was better than the one I did.]
Playing Hard to Get Versus Just Getting Hard
When we last left Evil Theo and Stiles, Evil Theo had just saved Stiles life from a guy who liked to eat electric wires so much! It was like he was a hormonal female, and the wires were his favorite brand of potato chips for that special time of month (You can’t eat just one!).
“Hey, speaking of dead teens with effed up teeth, how about that douchebag you impaled a couple of weeks back. His chompers were insane, am-I-right?” Evil Theo brings up conversationally.
“Grrrrr, Evil Theo,” fumes Stiles. “It makes me totally furious that you would know about my deep dark past of two days ago, because I totally hate your guts, and aren’t at all interested in ripping off your clothes to have sex with you. So, you know what I’m going to do? I’m going to throw your Adonis body hard against this chain link fence, grip your strong muscular shoulders in my fingertips, press my face millimeters from yours, and show you just how not attracted to you I actually am.”
“This is spectacular! Everyone on this show wants me!” Theo exclaims to himself, laughing maniacally, as he thumbs the lettering on his ‘I am Evil’ t-shirt. “After I murder a litter of puppies, engage in some light devil worshipping, suffocate some adorable babies, and have intense animalistic sex with Kira and Malia, I am totally going to come back and have my way with Stiles.”
“OK, so here’s the deal. I won’ t tell Scott you are a murderer, if you don’t tell him I’m a murderer,” Theo offers his new boyfriend. “And just to make sure our mutual friend isn’t at all suspicious of us, we should (1) never play ‘Never Have I Ever’ with Scott at a party, just in case he’s tempted to say “Never have I ever murdered a hot teenage boy with weird teeth, in which case we would both have to drink, obviously, because no one can lie during ‘Never Have I Ever’. It’s the law. (2) Bring him this dead body to fondle, as we know how much virtuous Scott loves to manhandle the bodies of the recently deceased.”
“Awesome ideas, Theo!” Stiles responds. “Let’s also put some sunglasses on Dead-y over here, so we can drive around Beacon Hills with him in the back seat, and pretend he’s still alive, Weekend at Bernies’ style.”
Meanwhile, Liam is trying to charm his love interest, Hayden (I tried so hard not to learn her name, but then the Dredd Doctors said it about 85 times this episode, just to screw with my plans), by telling her she is a science experiment gone horribly wrong. Now, if a line like that isn’t enough to make your panties drop, ladies, you must be dead inside!
Then, Liam doubles down on the seduction techniques, by transforming into monster, and trying to chew Hayden’s face off . . .
Hayden is unimpressed . . . possibly because she is legitimately dead inside . . . because the Dredd Doctors made her that way. So, she punches Liam in the face and runs away.
These two are going to be the best couple ever!
Habeas Corpus (Translation: “You should have the body.”)
Scott is thrilled that Evil Theo and Stiles have brought him a brand new sexy chimera body to play with.
“I really hope that bastard, Naked Garbage Man, doesn’t take this one from me, like he took all the other ones,” Scott pouts. “I mean, seriously. What’s a guy got to do to keep a corpse as a pet around here?”
“Stiles and I will babysit the body for you tonight, while we have sex in the car outside,” Evil Theo offers generously.
“What?” Scott asks, confused.
“I said Stiles and I will babysit the body for you tonight, and Naked Garbage Man will have nowhere to hide,” Evil Theo covers cleverly.
“We will also keep the video camera on my cell phone trained on the body, so we can see who tries to take it. I am offering to use my cell phone to film this eight-hour snuff film, because even though I want everyone to believe I’m dirt poor, my cell phone has an insane unlimited data plan,” explains Stiles.
Stiles and Scott conveniently leave Evil Theo alone for a few minutes, so he can yell at one of the Dredd Doctors for not keeping him in the loop on the whole Naked Garbage Man thing. “Inconsequential,” the Dredd Doctor repeats over and over again to Theo’s lecture.
Why? No reason. It’s just a cool word . . .
Back on the spinoff show Baby Wolf and Friends, Hayden’s car has mysteriously broken down, and the radio in it will only play one channel: It’s All Dredd Doctors, All the Time. Now, the Dredd Doctors may be totally awesome at Frankenscience and giving people hallucinations that are thinly veiled metaphors for their life, but they suck at other stuff . . . like talking. This makes them horrible disc jockeys for the radio station to which Hayden is being forced to listen.
First of all, the Dredd Doctors are nearly impossible to understand most of the time . . . they sound like I imagine Darth Vader would sound . . . if he was lying at the bottom of the ocean underneath something very heavy.
“Hey, I resemble that remark.”
And then, when you do manage to hear what they are saying, it’s almost always something totally lame. (The word “inconsequential” notwithstanding.) Here’s what they say on Hayden’s radio: “Hayden . . . Hayden . . . Hayden . . . (wait for it) . . . Hayden.”
And “Your condition improves.”
Fortunately, Liam hops on top of her car, and bashes in the window, to free her from the mind-numbing nonsense of bad radio.
So, to recap, Hayden and Liam repeatedly punch one another in the face. And when they aren’t doing that, they are destroying one another’s private property on a regular basis. How can you not ship these two?
(Recapper’s note: In all seriousness, I actually do ship these two, which I think makes me a terrible person . . .)
Speaking of terrible people . . .
Child Abuse is Adorable!
Kira’s been calling out sick lately from Scott’s Scooby Games, because she might be possessed like Stiles was a season or so ago, and doesn’t want it to interfere with her friends’ Fight Against Evil, which makes her super considerate as far as possessed people go . . .
Kira’s parents aren’t satisfied though, and decide to trick her into going to school on the weekend, so Kira’s mom can try to impale her with a katana. At first, Kira doesn’t fight back, because it’s her mom, and she’s like, old and stuff. But then, Kira’s mom is all “Come at me, BIATCH!”
She starts really coming at Kira hard, and getting all stabby with her.
So, eventually Kira starts to fight back, and knocks the sword out of her mom’s hand. Kira’s mom immediately crumbles in the corner, looking totally horrified and insulted that her daughter had the nerve to defend herself against her mother’s TRYING TO KILL HER. HOW DARE SHE? She should have just rolled over and died, dammit.
Kira’s mom blames the kitsune on Kira’s violent behavior. But, personally, I blame her parents being assholes . . .
Later that night, Kira’s mom gets back at Kira for the whole defending herself thing, by sticking a bunch of needles in her back. She says it’s to help “balance” the power between Kira’s human self and her foxy self. But if I wanted balance, I’d buy myself a scale, not impale myself multiple times over just for fun . . .
Kira starts to cry, and Kira’s mom asks her if she’s in pain. “DUH! OBVIOUSLY, SHE’S GOT ABOUT 85,000 NEEDLES IN HER BACK!”
(Yeah, I know . . . I know, acupuncture is supposed to be about pressure points, and it’s generally not supposed to be painful. But considering this woman just tried to kill her barely legal daughter a few moments ago, excuse me for being a bit suspicious.)
I actually felt kind of vindicated when Kitsu-Kira, took all those damn needles out of her back, used them to make the number 115 on the headboard of her bed, and escaped, leaving her asshat parents to think about what they’d done. Hopefully fox Kira was smart enough to call Child Services on her way out the door . . .
In Which Every Supporting Character in Beacon Hills is Gay (and wants to sleep with Mason)
Watch out, Evil Theo. You’ve got competition in the Sex Pot Department. Mason’s been macking it with so many chimeras and wolves lately, his tongue probably has rabies.
He gets another one this week. This time it’s the boyfriend of the chimera he made out with a couple weeks ago, before the latter was brutally murdered. (AWK-WARD!) Mason flirts with him long enough to realize, by golly, he’s a super healing chimera too!
Hey Mason, do you have any chimera in you?
No? Do you want some?
I love you like you’re my sister . . . who I may have murdered, coincidentally.
Outside on Sexy Stakeout, Evil Theo and Stiles eye f*&k one another so hard that if one of them was a woman she’d probably be pregnant by now. Evil Theo is trying to convince Stiles that murdering people is totally cool, if they are douchebags like Donovan and the guy who ate electric wires all the time. “See, I killed Electric Wire Eater, and my eyes didn’t even turn Murderer Blue. That’s God’s way of saying he approves,” Theo explains.
Or it’s because you are not an actual werewolf, but a chimera, made by science, and, therefore, not bound by wolf law . . .
“Yeah . . . I have to admit killing Donovan was kind of fun, especially when all that blood poured out of his mouth like a geyser, and it kind of looked like chocolate . . . a chocolate geyser,” Stiles admits.
“You remind me so much of my sister, who I pushed off a bridge, so she broke her leg and fell near a lake. And then I watched as she died of hypothermia,” says Theo.
“Um? A little help here? I’m dying, kind of?”
“Not really feeling up to it, to be honest. It looks a little chilly down there.”
“WHAT??!!!” Stiles asks incredulously.
“I said I really want us to be friends. And you are hot. So, I’ll always protect you, and occasionally bone your brains out.”
“That second thing you said, didn’t sound at all like the first thing you said,” Stiles muses suspiciously.
“Do you smell something burning?” Theo asks, quick to change the subject.
Speaking of burning . . .
The Scooby Gang (and new chimera, Hayden) all gather at the school. They have this ridiculous idea that they are going to trap the Dredd Doctors there by using high frequency dog whistles or something. Parrish is there too, because he has no friends his own age, and finds all girls over the age of 18, so crusty, old and gross.
“Hey Scott, I know you are supposed to be like my were-dad or something, but I think it’s kind of mean that you are dangling my new girlfriend in front of a bunch of psycho killers, and making her wear a sign on her back that says ‘Please brutally murder me,’” Liam admits.
“Don’t sass me, boy,” Scott lectures. “This is an excellent plan. Trust me, nothing will go wrong.”
“You’re right, Wolf Daddy. I’m sorry,” capitulates Liam.
Five seconds later, everything goes straight to hell . . .
The Dangers of Kinky Sex Without a Safe Word
It’s Dredd Doctor Hallucination time! Let’s start with the sexy ones and work our way back, OK?
Anybody who has ever watched the trailer for Fifty Shades of Grey knows that all weird sex should come with a safe word, to make it stop when things get too intense. Ideally, that word should be something you wouldn’t normally say during sex anyway, like “Ohhh,” or “Ahhh,” or “Owwww,” or “Are you almost done? Big Brother starts in five minutes.”
Parrish and Scott clearly didn’t get the memo about the safe words . . .
Parrish is sitting outside the school in his cop car, fondling his Lydia playing card, when Lydia herself appears in the flesh. Now, THAT is a great magic trick!
We know something is off about this soon-to-be sex scene immediately, because (1) Lydia is wearing a completely different outfit than the one she had on a few minutes ago; and (2) Lydia is ravaging Parrish like he is a juicy steak, and she has been on an all kale smoothie diet for weeks.
Sometime during the sex act, Lydia’s makeup comes off, and she starts to look a little rough . . .
Just kidding! Parrish completely burns off her face with his Naked Garbage Man hotness. Fortunately, Lydia doesn’t seem to mind a bit . . . Talk about a ride or die, girl!
Clearly the Dredd Doctors have tapped into both Parrish’s guilt at desiring a high schooler, and his fear that he may be an Evil Naked Garbage Man, who burns kids bodies on a big ole tree, just for fun . . .
All this self-awareness really pisses off Parrish, as we will see in just a bit.
Elsewhere in sexual guilt land, Scott is beating himself up over the fact that he’s totally turned off by Kira, now that she’s constantly wearing that dorky fox costume, and is kind of evil . . .
So, of course, his Dredd Doctor Fantasy involves rough kinky sex with Kira that ends in his own demise.
But what a way to go, am I right, boys?
The Trap Queens
The girls’ Dredd Doctor fears are a bit more shallow then the boys, which is saying a lot considering what you’ve just read above.
Malia spent eight years of her life as a coyote, living in a town covered in coyote traps placed by her own father, so of course, her fear would look something like this . . .
Lydia is a really good kisser, so her fear involves the ripping out of her tongue . . .
Just kidding, I think the loss of tongue fear comes from Lydia worrying that she will never truly be able to harness her banshee power (i.e. her scream) in a way that can actually help her friends. And if that’s the case, then she might as well not have that power at all . . .
In which the most likeable character on the show is murdered, a.k.a Stiles’ jeep
So, remember how I told you that Parrish was really angry that the Dredd Doctors called him out, via hallucination, for being a creeper. (Not to mention the terrible case of these, he undoubtedly received . . .)
Well, Parrish’s anger ended up being bad news for Evil Theo, who got punched in the face. Worse news for Stiles, who got smushed under his car, when Parrish knocked it over. But it was the worst news for Stiles’ poor jeep, Roscoe, which Parrish burned to death.
(I wonder if Theo would consider THIS justifiable homicide . . . you know . . . due to the whole blue balls thing. Not to say that the blue balls were Roscoe’s fault, or anything . . . )
Speaking of Evil Theo, he rescues Stiles from the burning car, saving his life A-GAIN, while Naked Garbage Man Parrish conveniently gets away with yet another chimera body completely unnoticed . . .
Am I being naïve to think, Stiles may be able to revive Roscoe for one more car accident . . . just for old times sake?
Just in case I am, R.I.P. Roscoe. You will truly be missed. I always liked you better than Scott . . .
In which Scott shows himself to suck just as much at fishing as he does at regular life
When Scott and friends are all done daydreaming, they learn that the Dredd Doctors have kidnapped Liam and Hayden . . . oops.
You see, that’s the thing about bait. In order for it to work, you actually have to keep it attached to the fishing line, not just throw it to the fish, and hope they come onto your line out of the goodness of their hearts . . .
Well . . . THAT happened . . .
Having a slightly better day than her son is Scott’s mom. Not only did she have a pretty adorable flirt session with Sheriff Stilinski (Take that, Lydia’s mom!), she also figured out the relationship between the chimeras. As it turns out, all of them had surgical procedures in which dead people’s body parts were attached to there’s, making them real chimeras/ wuzzles before they became fake monstery ones.
Scott’s mom is feeling pretty darn good about herself, when she arrives home from work. So, of course, Jeff Davis has to crap on that . . .
Until next time, Werebangers!