Once Upon a Time Season Premiere Recap: A Little Bit Un-Savior-y

[The following has been cross posted at my new home, Agony Booth.com!  There’s lots of other cool stuff there too!  Check it out!]

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It’s that time again, Oncers! Time to reunite with our favorite red-leather jacket wearing heroine and her band of fairytale character pals. Time to head off on new adventures, battle evil villains, make questionable fashion and hair choices, and egregiously bastardize even more increasingly obscure bedtime stories from your youth.

On deck for fresh bastardization this season are: Aladdin, The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, The Count of Monte Cristo, and Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea.

Also this Season on Once, EMMA SWAN MIGHT DIE! (And if you believe that, I have a totally flyable magic carpet in my storage closet that I could sell you for twenty bucks. Contact me in the comment section if interested.)

Let’s get on with it, shall we?

I’m On a Horse!

Riding through an Anonymous Barren Wasteland there is a man on a horse. So, you are forgiven for temporarily thinking you’ve stumbled into one of those Old Spice Commercials. Not the ones where Terry Crews screams at you nonsensically for 2.5 minutes. The ones with this guy:

But wait! There’s a man on a magic carpet shooting at the Man on a Horse! I don’t remember that happening in the Old Spice Commercial. Maybe the man on the magic carpet is Terry Crews. Maybe I’ve just unwittingly come up with the theme for Old Spice’s next ad campaign. You’re welcome, Old Spice.

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The Man on the Horse runs into a hut of some sort, and asks for help from The Savior. Obviously, this is a bit confusing because fans of Once know of only One Savior, and she always wears a red leather jacket, which would be very uncomfortable to don in a desert, not to mention a bit smelly.

A young girl tells the Man on the Horse that the Savior is very busy and can’t see him now, which anyone who has ever worked as an executive assistant will tell you is code for “He’s shopping online for golf clubs, and can’t be bothered to talk to your unimportant ass.”

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Then, the man on a Magic Carpet appears. It’s Jafar from Aladdin. We know this because he’s wearing that funny hat Jafar always wears, and is carrying his trademark cane with the snake handle. Jafar uses his snake cane to turn Man on the Horse into a brown puff of smoke that may or may not be a fart. Then, he turns the cane on Savior’s Executive Assistant and makes her pass out. (Then again, maybe she just passed out because the fart that used to be Man on the Horse was so smelly.)

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There’s a man huddled in the corner of the hut. Jafar refers to him as Aladdin, but also as the Savior. However, “Aladdin” doesn’t look very Savior-y. For one thing, he has no red leather jacket, though that might be for the climate and hygiene related reasons I mentioned earlier. For another, his hands are shaking uncontrollably, and he seems like kind of a wuss.

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Jafar tells Aladdin it is the Savior’s curse to help people until he or she is all used up, and then die a thankless and horrible death.

Well, that’s cheerful! Remind me to give Jafar a job at the greeting card company I was planning to start next year . . .

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Meanwhile, back in Storybrooke . . .

Coitus Inter-Blimp-tus

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“Is that a Hook in my pants or are you just happy to see me?”

Hook and Emma are getting a wee-bit PG-13 on the couch in Emma’s house. Emma wonders whether maybe the pair should take off their jackets before things between them escalate to NC-17, but Hook demurs. Apparently sex in leather jackets is a common fetish amongst pirates. Who knew? I hope Storybrooke has a really good dry cleaner.

Unfortunately, because this an 8 p.m. show on ABC, this week’s installment of Fifty Shades of Leather Up My Crotch is interrupted by some strange vibrations being felt around the house, which isn’t nearly as fun as it sounds despite current circumstances. Apparently, there’s a new blimp riding above Storybrooke, and its about to crash land into a tree, but miraculously kill nobody in the process, Lost the TV series style.

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The whole town comes out to witness the crash, because blimp crashes are the Storybrooke equivalent of the rented bouncy castle at a neighborhood block party. Our Big Bad of this Portion of the Season, Hyde is on hand, to laugh maniacally, and tell the residents of Storybrooke that Rumpel has given him the keys to the town. Hyde’s first order of business as new Town Ruler, apparently, is to overpopulate it with homeless people.

Great plan! Move over Trump and Hillary! Hyde for President in 2016!

Emma and Regina don’t really like homeless people. So, they decide to shoot Hyde with the red dust that they can occasionally make come out of their fingers when they do jazz hands together. This red dust oddly seems to have no effect on Hyde. Then, again, he does seem to have a really bad case of pink eye the next time we see him up close. So, perhaps, Emma and Regina and can take some credit for that.

"Try to Visine this, asshole!"

“Try to Visine this, asshole!”

While giving Hyde pink eye, Emma gets a weird “memory” flash of herself fighting a hooded being. When it’s over, her hand is shaking like Aladdin’s did in the earlier scene. Coincidence? I think not. Emma’s boyfriend and leather sex buddy, Hook, asks Emma if she is OK. And she lies and says that she is just fine for Plot Reasons.

Dream a Little Dream of Beast

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Former Town Ruler Rumpel, apparently, gave his job away to Hyde in exchange for intel on how to wake Belle from the sleeping curse she put on herself, so she wouldn’t have to bone him anymore. (If you think pirates and saviors are kinky, you could imagine what kind of dirty things sparkly faced beasts are into.) Hyde instructs Rumpel to meet this Morpheus guy, who will give Rump some dirt to throw on Belle so he can intrude on her dreams, Freddy Krueger style. (As if sleeping in a dusty box for an entire season without showering didn’t make her dirty enough.)

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Upon learning that Belle’s dream is basically the Disney version of the Beauty and the Beast movie, Rumpel decides to use the dream to make Belle fall in love with him again, so he can use True Love’s Kiss to wake her up from the dream. This shouldn’t be so hard, because Dream Belle conveniently doesn’t remember what a turd Rumpel has been to Belle for the latter half of five seasons. What follows is more or less a fast-forwarded highlight reel from the Disney movie, complete with that admittedly epic Ballroom Dance Scene, but minus the singing ceramic and brasswares.

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“Darn it, I was really looking forward to a rousing rendition of Be Our Guest!”

About a minute and a half later, Belle genuinely seem to have re-fallen in love with Rumpel. Unfortunately for Rump, just as she’s about to suck face with him, Belle suddenly recalls the whole “he’s been a turd to you for the latter half of five seasons” thing. And that’s when things get Really Weird. (You know, because up to this point, everything I’ve mentioned in this recap has been totally normal . . .)

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So, that Morpheus guy, who looks about 25, suddenly pops into the dream to applaud Belle for not sucking face with Rumpel . . . the Turd. Instead, he explains, HE’D like to suck face with Belle to wake her up from her sleeping curse.

“Don’t get me wrong, dude. You are cute and possibly more age appropriate for me than Rumpel. But I’m not in love with you yet. Give me a few margaritas though, and maybe I’ll change my mind . . . Except, I can’t have margaritas, because I’m pregnant. So we may just be shit out of luck.”

“No silly! You love me because I’m your unborn child!” Morpheus explains, which disturbs me greatly, because, for about half a second there I was seriously considering shipping Morpheus and Belle as a romantic couple.

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Then, Morpheus kisses Belle as promised, and wakes her up.

Rumpel is overjoyed. “So, we can go back to boning now?” The Beast inquires hopefully.

“Go Rump yourself!” Belle retorts, before exiting stage left, so she can try to convince herself that she wasn’t temporarily attracted to her kid.

The Sister Act

A new, completely exorcised of evil, and, therefore, slightly less fun to hang out with, Regina has graciously allowed her still evil, and, therefore, still a blast, Zelena, to live with her in her mansion, while the latter is raising the spawn of Regina’s dead lover Robin. Now, THIS is a sitcom I would watch! Are you listening, TV Networks?

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Things get a bit tense between the two sisters, when a scatterbrained Zelena admits to losing a feather from Robin’s bow that is basically the last memento Regina will ever have of her lost love. Regina tells Zelena she is not at all upset about this, which, anyone who has ever been a woman will tell you, is passive aggressive she-speak for, “I HATE YOU SO MUCH! DIE BITCH DIE!”

Outer appearance

Outer appearance

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Inner Monologue

However, after head-shrinking sessions with both Snow White (which makes sense) and her thirteen-year old son (which doesn’t make sense at all), Regina learns that she is using anger over The Feather Incident to sublimate her resentment of Zelena over the part she played in Robin’s demise. (Apparently, someone in the writers’ room at Once has been re-reading his Psychology 101 textbook from college . . .)

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sic

So, Regina maturely returns home to have it out with Zelena, for realsies, over their many issues with one another. Interestingly enough, Zelena has some beef with Regina too . . . the latter of whom’s literal disavowal of her evil self, having been viewed by her still Wicked sister as a direct betrayal of their shared genetic code for sociopathy.

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Ultimately, this results in Zelena and her baby angrily moving out of Regina’s house, and back into her own, where she instantly encounters . . . wait for it . . . The Evil Queen herself! The latter immediately welcomes her fellow twisted sister with a pair of matching alcoholic beverages and plans for world domination.

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Now, that’s what I call a party!

Follow That Bird!

In Plot Convenient fashion, Jekyll instantaneously comes up with the idea to fashion a giant vibrator type thing, and use it to disarm Hyde. The problem is that when the time comes to use the darn thing, Emma’s hands are shaking so badly she can barely get her target off. (See what I did there?) Hyde eventually is disarmed though.

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“The woman on the box made this look so easy. False advertising, Adam and Eve.com!”

However, before Mr. Pink Eye is carted away to Storybrooke’s one-cell prison, he manages to make some choice comments to Emma about her recently acquired Savior-Syndrome, that make our heroine believe this mutton-chopped villain might be just the cure she is seeking.

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When Emma visits Hyde in prison, he instructs her to follow a red bird into the forest, and that bird will lead her to the answers that may or may not cure her gnarly case of carpal tunnel syndrome. Emma does as instructed, and comes upon the Savior’s Executive Assistant from the beginning of the episode. The young girl calls herself an oracle, and shows Emma a longer version of the vision she’s been having throughout out the episode, the one of her engaged in a Matrix-like battle with a dark hooded villain. However, at the end of the vision this time, Emma is disarmed and mortally wounded by her enemy.

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NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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The young girl tells Emma that this is her fate, and she cannot change it. But is that true? Are we really destined to lose our series’ main protagonist by series end?

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Probably not. Some have speculated that the young girl to which Emma spoke was not the Oracle from the beginning of the episode at all, but rather Jafar in disguise.

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This theory is bolstered by the fact that (1) Jafar has been known to pal around with a certain red bird named Iago; (2) to display the vision to Emma the girl used a cane with eyes that looked suspiciously like Jafar’s snake staff; and (3) earlier in the episode, Henry just so happened to mention how villains often twist the truth in a way that will inflict the most harm against heroes.

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That said, Emma is probably destined to have a Matrix-like battle with a dark-hooded figure at the end of this season, so Jennifer Morrison should really start working on her karate moves and swordplay . . .

Elsewhere in town, Snow White welcomes all the obscure fairytale characters / homeless people from the exploded blimp to Granny’s for food and shelter, figuring that maybe she can somehow wrangle this into a tax write off. After learning she has less than half a season to live, Emma meets the rest of the cast at Granny’s to perform her mandatory share of soup kitchen duties. Hook once again asks his girlfriend if she is OK, to which she responds, “Absofrigginlutely,” which, anyone who has ever been a woman knows is passive-aggressive she-speak for, “DO I LOOK LIKE I’M OK? MY HAND HAS BEEN SHAKING NONSTOP ALL EPISODE, AND I JUST SPENT THE LAST TWENTY MINUTES TALKING TO A HALLUCINATION IN THE WOODS. WHAT KIND OF IDIOT BOYFRIEND ARE YOU?”

"And I totally would, except my hand isn't capable of forming a fist anymore."

“Lucky for you, my hand isn’t capable of forming a fist anymore.”

And so, the premiere episode of Once ends with Storybrooke’s populating having instantly doubled with increasingly obscure storybook characters just waiting to be bastardized. That means lots more people needing to be “saved.” But what will happen if there is no longer a Savior to save them? Tune in next week, to find out . . . maybe.

 

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Let’s Talk about that cat from The Night Of

(Note: This post has been cross-posted at my new home Agony Booth!  Check it out!)

 

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(Warning: This post contains some spoilers from the HBO summer series The Night Of, lots of cat pictures, and one or two very gross pictures of John Turturro’s feet.)

Based on the hit British crime procedural/mystery miniseries entitled Criminal Justice, and a posthumous passion project of the late Tony Soprano himself, James Gandolfini, The Night Of definitely raised a lot of eyebrows this summer, with its unflinching look at the criminal justice system and perhaps overly intense fascination with actor John Turturro’s foot fungus problem.

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For some, The Night Of was about the inherent injustice of our criminal justice system, which places what many would consider an undue burden on everyone from low-end beat cops to district attorneys, demanding they craft a case that ends in the conviction of their chief suspect, even if that means purposefully turning a blind eye toward exculpatory evidence.

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For others, The Night Of was about our prison system and its penchant for creating criminals and nurturing criminal instincts, before spitting half these guys back out onto the streets without the resources they need to do anything but commit crimes again, or, in the case of the wrongfully accused, commit them for the first time.

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Still others felt like this was just the story of a kind-of-nerdy college kid who really, really should have stayed home from that “cool party” to which he garnered a surprise invitation.

I imagine there were others who thought the story was all about foot fungus. Because there was a lot of foot fungus in this story. Seriously.

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And all those people would be wrong. Sorry, but it’s true.

The Night Of was actually the story of One Brave Cat…

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Placed outside out of harm’s way by the victim of our tale mere moments before her brutal demise in the pilot episode (did she know what was coming? Did she save the cat because she couldn’t save herself?), this nameless orange tabby begins the series in a rather precarious position, alone and afraid in a world where literally nobody knows her name (she never gets one throughout the series; in fact, I’m not even entirely sure she’s female since it’s never stated outright, but I’m taking creative liberties here), and everybody seems allergic to her natural musk. (I’ve never watched a series where so many of the main characters suffered from severe cat allergies! What was up with that?)

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Though a few kindly cops leave our nameless feline heroine a bowl of milk and some kibble just outside the gory crime scene, it becomes immediately clear that no one is coming to claim this orphaned kitty.  Not the victim’s douchebag stepdad, nor her accountant ex-boyfriend (though in the end, I guess that ends up being a good thing), nor her drug-dealing waiter pal from down the block.

Enter attorney John Stone, he of the really gross feet, cat allergies, and penchant for sleeping with prostitutes/hanging out around the local county lockup to fish for new clients. At first, these two beings seem like the least likely of allies.

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In fact, John’s first main overture toward our Brave Cat is to drop it off at the local kill shelter, where the teen working the desk admits the little guy will likely be euthanized in ten days because he’s “old and ugly”.

NOOOOOOOO! Oh the humanity/felinity of living amidst a superficial and ageist world! We’ve all been there, am I right?

Fortunately, John Stone is nothing if not a sucker for a lost cause. See: Nazir Khan, the boy he fished out of a lockup, only to learn that he was found near the scene of a brutal murder with what appears to be the murder weapon, covered in the victim’s blood, and his sperm all over both the victim and her bed.

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So, despite his allergies, John decides to take a chance on our Brave Cat… albeit temporarily. “It’s not a pardon, just a stay of execution,” John insists to the teen, as he walks out with cat carrier in hand.

At this point, Brave Cat will take whatever she can get!

And admittedly, at first it’s not much. John’s cat allergies are so severe that he can’t be in the room with Brave Cat without gloves and a face mask. So the gross-footed attorney with the heart of gold relegates himself to sliding food, toys, and the occasional newly cleaned litter box into the closed guest room that’s become Brave Cat’s slightly swankier prison than the kill shelter, before heading out to: (1) defend our protagonist, (2) sleep with his favorite hooker, and/or (3) see one of his many foot specialists about the darn fungus.

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But Brave Cat perseveres, keeping her spirits up, even when things seem to be at their bleakest, by sneaking into John’s bed for an ill-advised cuddle during one particularly lonely night.

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Then come the dark days, when Nazir’s trial has reached its lowest point and a bereft John lashes out at the nearest party. We see him tossing Brave Cat’s toys and litter box in the trash and dumping the poor gal back at the kill shelter for a second time.

“NOOOOO,” says the teen working at the front desk, who has become as invested in this feline’s story as we all have!

And that’s the last we see of Brave Cat for a while.

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We go through the conclusion of Nazir’s trial, and Stone’s rousing closing argument, and the jury being hung, and the D.A. refusing to re-prosecute because she knows the creepy ex-boyfriend accountant did it anyway, and Nazir being released, and us thinking the guy from Boardwalk Empire is going to kill him as he’s leaving jail, but he doesn’t kill him because he really likes him even though he got him hooked on drugs and had him become an actual accessory to murder in prison and stuff.

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And all I’m thinking about this whole time is, “WHAT THE HECK IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO BRAVE CAT? DON’T LEAVE ME HANGING, DARN SHOW! I NEED ANSWERS, AND I NEED THEM NOW, DAMMIT!”

And then we get to the final scene. John Stone is back in his apartment, watching that Sarah McLachlan commercial. You know the one, with all the super-sad animals staring at the camera to the tune of that super-depressing “Angel” song. And John is crying, of course. Because anyone who can watch that commercial and not cry has no soul. (Then again, maybe he’s just crying because his feet are really itchy.)

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John rises from his chair, and as the end credits roll, all of us viewers watching at home are thinking the same thing: “He’s going to go get Brave Cat back! He’s totally going to rescue Brave Cat!”

John leaves the house, and then it looks like the series is going to end on the biggest cliffhanger of all, because we the audience are still stuck inside John’s apartment and don’t get to follow him out the door! I mean, Brave Cat is literally hanging from a metaphorical cliff at this moment in the story. And I’m trying to mentally prepare for this as I watch, telling myself that it’s okay, because I can imagine in my head that John did go back and get Brave Cat, whether or not they actually show the act of doing so. This is what I’m going to need to do, if I want to go on living my normal life, after this show ends…

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But then, just a second before the screen fades to black, a familiar puff of orange waddles across the frame. It’s Brave Cat! She’s been there all along! And better yet, now she’s allowed to leave that darn room! Severe cat allergies be damned!

Life is good! There is a god! Prayer works, people!

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Sure, things aren’t all rosy at the end of The Night Of: Nazir has a drug problem, his community hates him, that nice lawyer lady lost her job because she made out with him (but surprisingly not because she smuggled drugs into prison for him in her bra). But that’s okay, because Brave Cat is alive and well in John Stone’s house.

Personally, I think we all can learn a lot from Brave Cat’s story, a tale of bravery, true grit, and how sometimes we can find hope and salvation in the strangest of places: amongst the most disgusting of feet.

And cat allergies? Totally curable. Just saying.

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GAME OF THRONES: One Word . . . EPIC. (Recap S6: Finale)

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This episode of Game of Thrones was like my jeans after Thanksgiving dinner, bursting at the seams with good stuff (and some not so good stuff), but ultimately super satisfying, albeit extremely unhealthy. Long-held theories confirmed? We got that! Awesome deaths and comeuppance for people you hated! Got that too! A death of one person you liked? Yup. Creepy kids. Uh-huh! Little Lyanna Mormont proving she’s cooler than everyone else on the show? Yes sir!

For the last time this season, let’s do this!

Village of the Damned

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We open on Cersei Lannister, getting all dressed up in not-exactly-time-period appropriate tight black leather and sequins, like she’s the torture mistress of some BDSM underground club. This is most certainly NOT a woman heading to a trial that will most definitely end in her execution.

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Elsewhere in Kings Landing, the High Sparrow is also getting ready for his big day, by donning . . . the same old ugly t-shirt he’s worn all season, which leads me to wonder a few things: (1) Does the High Sparrow sleep in the buff? (Ew!) Or does he have Superman footie pajamas that he dons at night, after a long hard day of cult leading and brainwashing? (2) Does he have an entire closet filled with old ugly t-shirts that look exactly a like for occasions like these?

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Now, alas, we may never know . . .

But I’m getting ahead of myself here. (Almost) everyone heads down to the Sept of Baelor for the trial. Except, Maester Pycelle can’t go, because he’s busy being brutally mutilated by an army of evil six-year olds . . . wait, WHAT?

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Apparently, Varys’ Little Birds aren’t just good for collecting and spreading information anymore. They are also good for starring in a potential remake of that movie Village of the Damned from the mid-90’s. All we need is a crap-load of blonde hair dye, and some really cheesy glow-in-the-dark colored contacts.

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In case it wasn’t entirely obvious by now that Cersei has given herself over entirely to the dark side, she has to go and turn all of Sesame Street into the cold-hearted killers of various members of her son’s cabinet. Sorry Big Bird!

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Source

A second party unable to attend the trial proceedings is King Tommen himself, whose attendance is being bodily prevented by Cersei’s pal, the Mountain for reasons that will soon become clear.

At the Sept, Loras is up for trial first, his hair has been cut for the event, and its a massive improvement over the humid unwashed mass that was weighing down his face before. Not wanting to die, Loras instantly accepts what he sees to be the lesser of two evils, a gnarly forehead tattoo, and a lifetime membership into High Sparrow’s cult of religious nutbars.

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“But i always wanted to be in a fraternity!”

Don’t worry, Loras. You won’t have to hang out with these losers for long . . .

lancel pwns

Sent by the Sparrow to retrieve a tardy-for-trial Cersei and Tommen, Lancel Lannister also finds himself face-to-face with an evil first grader. Fortunately, for Lancel, this little guy maims but doesn’t murder him. Unfortunately, while lying on the floor immobile, Lancel gets a peek at something green and gooey on the floor near his face. It’s the ooze that made the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!

 

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Just kidding, it’s something way worse . . .

Back at the Sept, Magaery is the only one smart enough to realize that Cersei’s going to blow the entire Sept and all its inhabitants to smithereens. She attempts to worn the populace and hightail it out of there, but is narrowly prevented from escaping with Loras and her life from the building, because the High Sparrow is a moron.

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he knows

Two seconds later, we watch as that green goo, explodes Lancel first, then the High Sparrow, and finally everybody in the entire Sept, including everyone from House Tyrell who isn’t Lady Olenna.

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RIP Margaery with the good hair, and Loras with the bad hair. Neither of you ever really had a shot at the Iron Throne, but I liked you both lots anyway.

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Upon seeing his church explode, and knowing he’s indirectly responsible for the death of his hot wife and countless others, Tommen makes like a bird, and takes a flying leap out of his castle window. But because he’s not Dany “Inflammable Boobies” Targaryen or Arya “Indestructible Ab Muscles” Stark, Tommen hits the ground with a splat, giving a whole new meaning to the term “King’s Landing.”

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To add insult to injury, because Tommen is not super sexy like Jon Snow, there will be no secret old ladies like Melissandre to fondle his corpse back to life.

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I can’t believe this is the last time I get to use this ridiculous GIF in a recap?!

Sorry Tommen, better luck never! More importantly, though, who is going to take care of the cat now?

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Whose Shamed Now, Biatch?

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Because being a terrorist in your own kingdom, tainting the minds of tiny tots, and murdering multiple family members is just child’s play for Cersei Lannister, now that she’s suddenly become a comic book villain, she has to go and do some more bad stuff this week. The good news is, this time, no one we actually like, like Margaery Tyrell, is involved, so we can fully enjoy it.

First, Cersei ties Septa Unella, a.k.a The Shame Shame Nun to an operating table and pours buckets of wine on her face, while repeatedly chanting one of the nun’s favorite words. “Confess, Confess,” she says.

Then, Cersei accuses the Septa of enjoying her merciless torture of Cersei, Margaery, Loras and other prisoners of the High Sparrow. Then, the Sole Surviving Lady Lannister basically admits, not only to committing all the crimes of which High Sparrow accused her, but LOVING DOING IT SO VERY MUCH.

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Septa Unella thinks Cersei Lannister is about to kill her, just like she’s done to basically everyone else in King’s Landing at this point. But Cersei has more creative plans for Septa Unella . . . plans that involve a lifetime of torture at the hands of the Mountain.

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Shame, Shame, we know your name, Septa!

Be A-Frey-ed! Be Very A-Frey-Ed!

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Speaking of creative fates, after having Riverrun handed back to him on a platter by Jamie Lannister, that old coot Walder Frey is feeling might proud of himself. In fact, he hasn’t felt this good since the butchering of poor Robb Stark at the Red Wedding. In fact, everything is going perfectly for the head of House Frey . . . except for the fact that his sons are late for dinner, and his pie is tasting mighty funny . . .

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finger in pie american pie

Fortunately, a hot waitress is there to ease Walder’s troubles and his tummy. Except . . . that “hot waitress” happens to be Arya Stark, and the pie he’s eating contains the intestines and extremities of the sons of his she just murdered . . . and baked apparently with a nice lightly sugared bread crust (very impressive).

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The good news is that Walder Frey won’t have to worry about indigestion anymore. One of the few benefits of getting your head chopped off is that it pretty much makes all other bodily ailments just vanish!

It looks like the Assassin formerly known as No One is All Grown Up! Plus, her List of People to Kill just got a wee bit shorter! Not bad for a day’s work. Arya certainly wasn’t getting benefits like these at Burgerless White Castle!

Welcome to Hogwarts, Samwell Tarley!

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As if it couldn’t be any more obvious that Sam Tarley and Gilly are on an entirely different show then everyone else, we get this random scene where Sam arrives at Maester school, only to be greeted by a “delightfully quirky” groundskeeper, who talks in riddles like a character from Alice in Wonderland. Once Sam convinces Mr. Quirky that the former Maester on the Wall, has, in fact, croaked, the latter invites Sam to orgasm over the size of the school’s library.

Sorry Gilly, it looks like you’ve just been replaced as the object of Sam’s sexual desire . . .

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Speaking of unceremonious replacements . . .

Jon Snow to Melissandre: “You’re Fired.”

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Here’s the thing about burning children alive on a stake, while they are clutching magically indestructible toys, it has consequences . . . even if those consequences arrive a few seasons later than they probably should.

Armed with the knowledge that Melissandre murdered his pal young Shireen, Davos rushes to confront the Red Woman, and begs Jon for leave to execute her, in order to avenge the child’s untimely and horrific death.

poor shireen

Melissandre’s apology for such a horrific act, leaves a bit to be desired. “I, um, made a mistake. Oopsie! My bad!” She says, more or less.

davos

Fortunately, for Melissandre, she did bring Jon Snow back from the dead. So for him to order her death, seems a bit impolite on his part. (Emily Post would most certainly not approve.)

So, Jon basically decides to split the baby, and banish Melissandre from his army. The good news is, this means that Shireen’s death has (sort of?) been avenged. The bad news is that with no one around to wash his naked body, Jon will have to do it himself. And he might occasionally miss the parts that are super dirty.

know nothing jon

. . . about personal hygiene.

The Tower of Joy and Plot Development

secret

Lying in the snow, bored, with nothing to do, Bran Stark decides to pop on the Warg DVR. Fortunately, since there is no longer any Old Dude in the Tree to keep him from watching the good stuff, Bran heads right to the Tower of Joy episode, where a Young Ned Stark has been patiently waiting for months to finally climb that tower and rescue his sister, Lyanna from the “Evil” Targaryens.

The problem is that Ned is too late. (That’s what happens when you wait for months to climb a few steps.) Lyanna has just given birth, and is on the verge of death, as a result of doing so. She just has one dying wish for Ned: that he finally confirm for fans the theory they’ve been positing for five seasons now . . . that Jon Snow is not the love child of Ned Stark and “some random lady,” as previously thought. Rather, Jon is the secret son of Lyanna Stark and Prince Rhaegar Targaryen. Not only does that make Jon not a bastard, it also gives him a more legitimate claim to the Iron Throne than practically anyone else living on the show. So, how do you like them apples?

big snow baby snow

See? He was super broody, even back then!

Jon Snow: King of the North; Lyanna Mormont: Queen of Awesome

king of north 2 king of north 1

Ironically, news of Jon Snow’s legitimacy arrives precisely at the time when such technicalities of lineage may no longer be necessary. Following his success in the battle with the Bolton,s the ever humble Jon Snow is more than willing to give the title of Ruler of the North to his legitimate half sibling Sansa Stark, whose alliance with that slippery snake Littlefinger ultimately helped Jon’s army to win what would otherwise be a losing battle against a stronger, admittedly better prepared, army. But little Lyanna Mormont has other ideas . . .

my king

With the authority and confidence of a woman four times her age, Lyanna Mormont calls out the families who refused to aid Jon Stark in his hour of need, some of whom even fought alongside Ramsey Bolton against the Starks. She gamely shames each of these families for their cowardice, and ends her speech with a rousing nomination of Jon Stark as King of the North, a nomination that is immediately echoed by everybody else in the room, former friends and foes alike.

The only person who seems less than thrilled with this turn of events is Littlefinger, who seemed pretty certain that his rallying of the Knights of the Vale would end in Sansa taking the position of Queen of the North. And this, as he mentioned to Sansa earlier, was part of his long-con game plan to take over Westeros himself, with Sansa as his wife and Queen.

little and sans

Initially, Sansa rejects Littlefinger’s kind of slimy proposal. But the two share a meaningful look at one another, just as the rest of the room is chanting for Jon Snow to pick up the banner as King of the North. Did those Little Fingers get inside Sansa’s head?

littlefinger

I guess we won’t truly know until next season . . .

In Which Cersei Lannister Actually Becomes Darth Vader . . .

darth cersei

Speaking of new rulers, with Tommen’s body splattered on King’s Landing, and the entire Tyrell family, along with the High Sparrow, and all of his followers blown to smithereens, Cersei is crowned the Queen of King’s Landing. Even though this woman has been, more or less, running things in Kings Landing since the beginning of the show, now it’s official.

And that’s SUPER bad news for the rest of Kings Landing. As if it wasn’t obvious enough, the producers of the show play music that sounds suspiciously like the Darth Vader theme song, as Cersei, clad in all black, stomps up to the Iron Throne and accepts her crown. Even a recently returned Jamie Lannister looks at his sister and former lover with a newfound fear and disgust.

does not approve

*insert heavy breathing noises here* “Jamie, I am your sister. I am also The Worst.”

Now, if only the Mountain would lend her his helmet . . .

mount

darth

And Now, A Little Bit of Dorne (But Not Enough to Put Me to Sleep)

angryb oy

 

Fortunately, there is still hope for better Westeros, and oddly enough, that hope comes from Boring Dorne, where the murderous Martells have invited an understandably skeptical Lady Olenna to join their pact of vengeance, along with another familiar ally, Varys.

mad var

With the Martells uniting with the Tyrells, the Targaryens and the Greyjoys to take down Darth Lannister, I may be forced to change my opinion on Dorne and its annoying inhabitants.

Maybe . . . but probably not.

Break-ups, Pin-ups and World War Shake-ups

GOT610_112515_HS__DSC18311

Speaking of the Targaryens, back in Mereen, Dany is giving her beau Daario the “it’s not you, it’s me” talk, as she basically dumps him, by sentencing him to remain in Mereen as a babysitter, while she heads off to conquer Westeros with a massive army and her dragons. Dany claims this is because she will likely have to marry the head of a powerful family, in order to gain enough manpower and support to claim the Iron Throne, and she cant’ have her sexy lover boy by her side, when she does this. But we all know the real reason is that she’s “just not that into him.”

A shot of Daario shirtless is always welcome, even when it has no relevance to the plot of the story.

Daario, sorry you are now heartbroken. Glad you are now single!

Because, honestly, who thinks Dany is actually going to have to marry someone to gain control of their army? if she meets with any male resistance along the way, she’ll just do what she always does: threaten to burn up her “suitor’s” entire kingdom with her fire breathing dragons, if they don’t offer their full loyalty and support.

Dany-heart

“Eat your heart out, boys! No, seriously, do it, now, while I watch.”

Daario may have been left without a rose in this very special elimination ceremony of Bachelorette: Mother of Dragon’s Edition. But Tyrion is totally in it for the long haul. And to prove it, Dany has given him a rather ugly pin with a hand on it, thereby bestowing upon him with the official title of “Hand of the Queen.”

pin 2 pinn 1

I guess this means she forgives Tyrion for getting drunk with Greyworm and Missandrei and totally screwing up everything Dany built in Mereen, a few episodes back.

tyrion-drinking

 

The final scene of the season, shows Dany heading up an insanely large fleet of ships with Tyrion, her dragons, Missandrei, Greyworm, and Varys by her side (Varys, seriously? Wasn’t he just in Dorne, literally two seconds ago? Are eunuchs given teleportation skills as a consolation prize for no longer having balls?)

on aboat

Be prepared, Darth Lannister, because the Mother of Dragons is coming for you, and she is bringing friends!

ships

Until next season, Westeros!

Buy my book, please? (It’s only a $1. And you’ll have time to read it, now that GOT is on hiatus!)

snarky goes

Cross posted at Happy Nice TIME People.

 

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GAME OF THRONES: Sunday, Bloody Sunday (Recap: S6: Ep 9)

one on everyone

“Um . . . guys? I could use a little help here . . . I’m feeling a wee bit outnumbered.”

We’ve been waiting all season for this one. Ramsey DIES! Sansa gets REVENGE! The Starks retake Winterfell! Davos finds a TOY! Dany burns some boats, and gets hit on by a girl! Everybody gets their just desserts in GOT’s bloodiest hour to date, except me, because I lost my appetite . . .

On a series known for residing mainly in “shades of grey” territory, morality-wise, it’s refreshing, every once in a while, to see an episode where the good guys win, while the bad guys get dragon-charred, and have their faces turned into puppy chow, respectively. It’s kind of like a fairytale . . . a really effed-up fairytale, but a fairytale nonetheless.

victory ban

winter fell

I hope you didn’t eat a big meal before reading this, Thrones fans, because it’s about to get pretty gross . . .

Dany prefers her slavers flame-broiled

dany and drag

So, did you hear the one about the girl who flew in on a dragon, burned all her enemies, uttered a cool catch phrase, and then road off into the sunset?

I know, I know . . . by this point “Dany Targaryen OWNS everyone,” is pretty well-worn territory on this series. But that doesn’t make it any less awesome to watch. Plus, this time, ALL THREE of Dany’s dragons got in on the action. And everything is better in threes . . .obviously! (Not that I would know.)

threesome

When we last left Dany, she was absolutely going to ground her errant children Tyrion, Missandrei and Greyworm for playing drinking games and telling knock knock jokes, while Mereen was besieged by slaver ships and overrun by terrorists wearing cheesy Halloween masks . . .

harpy

jason hockey mask

Though typically an expert at talking his way out of sticky situations, Tyrion is at a bit of a loss as to how to explain himself here . . .

city on rise

If by “on the rise” you mean “crumbling to dust,” then, sure, Tyrion. Mereen is absolutely on the rise.

“Eh, no big deal,” Dany conjectures pragmatically. “I figure we can just cut our losses, and burn down the entire city. The Mereen storyline has been going on too long anyway. It’s getting to be like Dorne. And no storyline wants to be like Dorne.”

“So, in other words, ‘Burn them all?” Tyrion prods.

“Yeah, burn them all,” replies Dany casually.

burn them all

“Oops,” responds Dany, upon realizing she’s starting to sound suspiciously like her wackadoo father, the Mad King, (may he rest in Crazy Town).

And so, Dany opts for a more humane response to the slavers’ merciless betrayal of Tyrion and his seven-year plan for peace. She decides to only burn “most of them.”

When Dany finally meets face-to-face with the three rulers of the nations responsible for this season’s Current Siege (as well as last season’s funding of Sons of the Harpy), these dumb asses are actually stupid enough to think they’ve won this battle. Clearly, these guys haven’t caught up on the last five seasons of GOT on Bran Stark’s Warg DVR. If they had, they would know that nobody beats Dany at anything . . . ever!

reigno ver

reign begun

Having dutifully uttered her catch phrase for the episode, Dany “Inflammable Boobies” Targaryen can now get on with the business of doing what she does best, flying on the backs of dragons, while they burn shit down . . .

all three of the dragons

As Dany launches an air assault on the slaver ships attempting to bomb Mereen, her beau sexy Daario leads her sizable Dothraki hoarde in a ground attempt to murder the shit out of those dudes in the cheesy Halloween masks . . .

A shot of Daario shirtless is always welcome, even when it has no relevance to the plot of the story.

A shot of Daario shirtless is always welcome, even when it has no relevance to the plot of the story.

Poor terrorists! Maybe if they wore a costume with bigger eye holes, they would be more equipped to defend themselves.

With all the extras in this story line properly disposed of, in the literal sense, Dany leaves it up to her rebellious kiddies to handle the three idiot slaver leaders who actually have speaking parts in this episode. Tyrion calmly informs the threesome that one of them must die for their crimes.

abstract

abstract 2

With their lives now on the line, and the meager army that wasn’t already burned by Dany having promptly abandoned them, two of the slavers, gang up to form a plan.”Kill this guy. He’s the only one of us who isn’t truly a one percenter,” they insist, pointing at their buddy, who just so happens to be unfashionably dressed in last-season’s toga . . . an obvious sign of being only upper-middle class, if ever there was one.

Silly slavers, don’t you know that everyone HATES one percenters! Well . . . almost everyone.

trump

Greyworm — man of the people that he is — in a surprise move, that shouldn’t really be a surprise for anyone actually paying attention, murders the two one-percenter slavers, and lets the “upper middle class slaver” remain alive to spread word of the magical unicorn that is Dany “Inflammable Boobies” Targaryen to the neighboring lands.

To recap, it’s not even lunch time, and Dany has already defeated three cities. It’s just another average day in the life of boobies immune to fire damage . . .

dany inflammable boobs

In Which Yara Greyjoy Attempts to F*&k the Inflammable Boobies off Dany Targaryen

danywins

At some point during this very one-sided war, Yara and Theon arrive in Mereen, to plead their case to Dany. Basically, they will give her 100 ships and their loyalty, in return for Dany backing Yara’s claim to the Iron Islands over her uncle.

watching theon

Yara and Dany bond a bit over (1) being super tough women, who basically make all the men around them look like complete morons; (2) having crappy fathers who were even crappier politicians, but are now (thankfully) dead; and (3) boobies . . . because (a) Yara adores f*&king the tits off of them (which, though not possible in the Real World, may very well be possible in a world with dragons, zombies, and people who change faces like they are t-shirts), and (b0 Dany has ones that are inflammable, as we’ve already established.

Bonding complete, Dany gets back to business. “Why should I back your claim to the Iron Throne, and not your uncle’s, when both of you will offer me the same ships and loyalty?” She inquires reasonably.

“Because Uncle Euron will make you marry his gross ass, and I’ll just fuck off your tits,” explains Yara,”which I think you’ll enjoy much more.”

free of marriage

up for anything

For some reason, I don’t think gay marriage is legal yet in Westeros. But tit fucking, well that’s a national past time.

Score 1 for Yara Greyjoy, which, I have no doubt, will be her first of many before the series ends, in more ways than one.

It’s Good to Be Jon Snow, But It’s Better to Be Sansa

little and sansa together again

With our opening act wrapped in a neat little bow, it’s time for the main event, in which Jon Snow comes face-to-face with Ramsey. The once-bastard proves himself to our hero to be every bit as douchey as he’d been rumored to be . . . bragging that he hasn’t fed his dogs for a week, so they could feast on the corpses of Jon’s dead army (important later), and refusing Jon’s offer for one-on-one combat . . . because that would make for a way shorter and less exciting episode.

face off them

not impressed

House Mormont is not amused!

In short, Ramsey spends the entire pre-battle meeting, more or less, waving his weiner in Jon’s face . . .

hot dog

Interestingly enough though, it’s Sansa, who gets the last word in this round of verbal jousting.

die tomorrow

die tomorrow 2

After their gab session, Team Stark returns to its quarters to map out a battle plan. Basically, they decide they are going to let Ramsey’s larger army charge first, and then surround them, and box them in, thereby giving Jon’s smaller army, a territorial advantage. Sansa warns Jon that he shouldn’t take Ramsey’s psychopathy for granted when strategizing, but doesn’t elaborate further on what that means, or how exactly to utilize it during the war. Nonetheless, Jon vows to protect Sansa from Ramsey during the battle, though Sansa herself is uncertain whether Jon can make good on that promise.

Speaking of broken promises, Davos’ promise to spend the night before the titular Battle of the Bastards, walking around aimlessly and relieving himself repeatedly on the battlefield (No, I’m serious, Davos’ pre-war ritual apparently involves lots and lots of poop.) . . .

happy shitting

. . . is flushed down the toilet (see what I did there?) when Davos makes a rather disturbing discovery in the snow . . .

knows instantly

hold the toy

What are the odds right? Of all the places in Westeros that Davos could choose to relieve his bowels, he decides on the exact spot where his poor pal Shireen was sacrificed on a pyre by Melissandre . . .

toy for shireen

I gotta say, it’s a little odd that the toy Davos made for Shireen somehow managed to remain completely untouched by the massive fire that destroyed every trace of Shireen herself from this earth. Is it possible the Elk toy was fashioned from the same material as Dany’s inflammable boobies, and Arya’s immune to sword wounds tummy? The world may never know . . .

meli and jon

Speaking of Melissandre, later that night, Jon goes to visit the secret AARP member / Shireen murderer and makes her promise not to fondle his naked body back to life again, should he meet his demise during the battle at hand. Melissandre will make no such promises though. For one thing, Jon is the star of this show. For another, she just really enjoys rubbing up on all of Jons’ man parts, while he’s unconscious.

wash and waaiting

Honestly, can you blame her?

At the battle proper, the following morning, it soon becomes apparent that Sansa’s warning that Ramsey’s psychopathy will prevent Team Stark from getting the upper hand, in terms of battle strategy was a well-founded one. It all starts when Ramsey surprises Jon and his army, by bringing Rickon Stark to the center of the battlefield, and freeing him from captivity.

thrones-003_0

This can’t end well . . .

Ramsey, a child who prefers to taunt and torture his food before eating it, ruthlessly forces Rickon to run to his death, pelting the poor kid with arrows, and purposely missing him, only to land his kill shot, right when the youngest Stark is reunited with his favorite big brother, after years without contact . . .

rickon falls

sad snow

We all knew it was coming, but that didn’t make it any less painful to watch. RIP Rickon, we barely knew ye, but you had really nice hair . . .

Rickon’s death has its intended effect on Jon and his army, causing them to abandon their plan to wait for the Bolton’s army to make the first move. With Jon angrily leading the charge, the Stark Army advances first . .

one on everyone

This allows the much larger Bolton army to surround them, leaving Stark’s men not only on the defensive, but forced to retreat into an ever approaching ring of enemies on all sides . . .

battle weary

Kristofer-Hivju-as-Tormund-Giantsbane-in-Game-of-Thrones-Season-6-Episode-9 househornwood

To Jon’s credit, his army is pretty impressive, despite being both outsmarted and outnumbered. Jon and Tormund, in particular, make a good show of gamely getting in a series of really solid kills, before everything goes to crap. And let’s not forget WunWun, who has a grand old time, stepping on those asshat Bolton followers like the roaches they are, and tossing them over his shoulders like rag dolls, whenever he gets the opportunity.

wun wun win win

steps on

This is when things start to get a little disgusting. Since the battlefield has decreased sizably, on account of Bolton’s “cordon and conquer” plan, there’s no free space for all the dead bodies on both sides to go. So, they basically end up piling up the center, causing the living to have to climb over them to make additional kills. At one point, Jon actually nearly suffocates to death, under the weight of multiple corpses.

At this point, it really does seem like all is lost for the Stark army. And that’s when we hear the horn.

vale arryn

Holy crap! It’s the Knights of the Vale! These are basically the guys that regularly show up an hour late for work, but they come bringing bagels and coffee for everyone, so they never get blamed or fired. It looks like Sansa managed a Hail Mary, with her willingness to bury the hatchet with a certain erstwhile ally, who had a certain little lord under his thumb . . .

littlefinger

Who knew that creepy Pee-Wee Herman looking kid commanded such an impressive army?

peeweemovienetflix

“I know you are but what am I?”

Anywhoo, the Knights of the Vale basically demolish Bolton’s entire army in minutes, and send that shit Ramsey running back behind the doors of Winterfell like the little bitch that he is . . .

Despite having lost the war, Ramsey is still deluded enough to think he’s managed to retain ownership of Winterfell . . . until this happens . . .

breaks through door

shiningposter

“Here’s WUNWUN!”

Sadly, despite having breached Winterfell’s walls, with his face WunWun is ultimately taken down by about 1,000 arrows aimed somewhere in the vicinity of his stomach. The good thing about being a giant, is that you can step on your enemies, whenever they annoy you. The bad thing is that your body is a super big target for . . .well, pretty much anything.

fallen wun wun

All WunWun’s go to Heaven . . .😦

We will miss you big guy! Hopefully, there’s a really big fluffy cloud up in the sky with your name on it.

With WunWun’s and Rickon’s death weighing heavy on his heart and conscience, Jon finally gets to do what every fan of GOT has wanted to do to Ramsey Bolton since pretty much his first moment on screen . . . And it’s SUPER CATHARTIC TO WATCH!

punch punch punch

face smash

And with Ramsey down for the count (but not dead . . . yet), it becomes official. The Starks have recaptured Winterfell . . .

victory ban

carlton dance

And this would be an awesome way to end the episode, right? But wait! There’s more.

You see, Ramsey isn’t quite dead yet, which means he can get a long overdue visit from our episode MVP Sansa, who, more or less single-handedly won the Battle of the Bastards for Team Stark. But she hasn’t come alone. She’s brought Ramsey’s dogs . . . his hungry dogs . . .his dogs that, by his own admission, haven’t eaten for weeks. And you know what that means, don’t you folks? It’s PUPPY CHOW TIME!

ram

shopping

dogs mauling

Awww! It couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy! Until next time, Westeros!

(Buy my book. Please?)

snarky goes

Cross posted at Happy Nice Time People.Com

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GAME OF THRONES: Hell to the NO . . . One (Recap S6: Ep 8)

you got served
This week on GOT, Arya finally quits her job at Burgerless White Castle, Tyrion reveals his idea for a spinoff series, Tommen screws his mother (but not literally, because only her brother does that now), everybody gossips about how hot Jamie Lannister is, and all the best deaths happen off-screen.

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to our spectacular screencapper Andre, whose fraternity I would gladly join way before Brotherhood without Banners or Burgerless White Castle. The entertainment would be way better, as would be the shoes and the food!]

In Which Tyrion Lannister Becomes Ted Danson’s Character from Cheers . . .

tyrion-drinking

Besties Tyrion and Varys are taking one final casual stroll together through Mereen, before Varys heads off to another storyline (but hopefully not one in Dorne, because Dorne sucks). Tyrion admits that he will miss Varys terribly, because now he will have no one with whom to make weekly jokes about penises and bald people. But the two promise to text one another at least once a day (even if its just to send emojis) and regularly like one another’s Facebook posts.

pod and var

Recognizing that the series’ end is just a mere two seasons away . . . and that HBO’s other original series may not have room in them for a wisecracking alcoholic dwarf (Who are we kidding? Every HBO series could use a wisecracking alcoholic dwarf!), the ever intrepid Tyrion heads back to the castle to ply Missandrei and Greyworm with liquor. He figures that maybe . . . just maybe . . . he can get them drunk enough to sign on to his spinoff series, about a vineyard owner / barkeep, the uptight / sassy waitress he secretly loves, a know-it-all postman, and his chubby friend.

o-CHEERS-facebook

Oh wait . . . you mean there was already a show like that? Oh well! At least Tyrion can now market his own brand of wine to schlubs like us. Hey, it worked for that guy from the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt!

peni

Because Greyworm and Missandrei are super lightweights, Tyrion gets them wasted, after just a few sips of wine a-piece, and spends the next ten minutes filming the pilot of his new sitcom, which basically consists of these three sitting around the table telling bad knock-knock jokes to one another.

tyrion-dancing-top

"Knock, knock." "Whose there? "Astaphor" "Astaphor who?" "Gesundeit!"

“Knock, knock.”
“Whose there?
“Astaphor”
“Astaphor who?”
“Gesundeit!”

Then a bunch of slaver ships come, and start shooting at Tyrion and Co., which I guess is HBO’s not so subtle way of indicating they won’t pick up Tyrion’s pilot, because of the whole Copyright Infringement of Cheers thing.

slaver ships

shooting

Sorry Tyrion. Hey, maybe you could still snag that role as Hannah’s new boyfriend on Girls. What are your thoughts on cringe-inducingly awkward sex scenes, and long rambling monologues where every other word is “like”?

hannah dancing

But just when it looks like it’s about to be an all-out war in the temporarily peaceful city of Mereen. Guess who returns?

dany flying

Yup, that’s right. It’s Dany Inflammable Boobies Targaryen. Mommy’s home. And she’s very much not happy with the mess her little kiddies got into, while she was away. Tyrion is sooooo grounded!

where are my dragons

In Which The Hound Pulls Some Guy’s Feet and Indicates a Preference for Chicken over Turkey

prefer chicken

Over in the woods somewhere, the Hound axe murders a bunch of Brotherhood without Banners guys to get back at them for turning Ian McShane into Drew Barrymore’s character from Scream last week. He tells the last guy he murders that he’s crappy at dying, because his last words are the lame insults: “asshole” and “cunt,” rather than something more eloquent like, “Arrrrrghhhhh! RAHHHH! *sound of blood spurting*”

last wordsshit at dying

Then, Hound meets some other dudes from the Brotherhood without Banners, who are also super mad at their coworkers for the whole “murder of Ian McShane” thing. (Ian McShane is a National Treasure, after all!) The Brotherhood is so mad, in fact, that they want to hang the Bad Brothers for their sins . . . at least the ones that the Hound hasn’t had the chance to axe murder yet.

hanging

You would think that the Hound would like death by hanging, because it gives the doomed more opportunities to give eloquent speeches than they would if they were axe murdered. But noooo! The Hound wants to axe murder these guys too. To recap, the Hound doesn’t like the way Brotherhood folks die AND doesn’t like the way Brotherhood folks kill. So judgy, that Hound!

tough to kill

Judginess aside, the Brotherhood feels bad about not letting the Hound axe murder the other Killers of Ian McShane. So, they let the Hound pull their feet. And the judgy Hound ends up being right. As far as deaths go, death by playing the “this little piggy” game is super boring to watch. Plus no one made any eloquent speeches, even though they totally had time to do so, before the Hound said “This little piggy cried all the way home.”

arnoldpig

The Hound ends up taking the boots of one of the guys whose feet he pulled, even though the guy seemed like his feet would be really smelly, and the boots probably weren’t the right size. But since there’s no DSW in Westeros, the Hound has to take what he can get.

After that, the Brotherhood offers the Hound some turkey, and invites him to join their fraternity. A fraternity of non-chicken eating, feet pulling, folks who are bad at death, and worse at murder. Sounds super, Hound!

Oh, we also got to see the Hound’s weiner, while he peed . . .so that was pretty cool.

If the Mountain Won’t Come to Muhammed the High Septon, King Tommen will Bore Him To Death . . .

mount

Meanwhile, back in Kings Landing, Cersei experiences an awkward moment during which, New Cult Member Lancel Lannister insists that Cersei go see the High Sparrow. He does this, while trying not to make it super obvious to his new cult friends that he and Aunt Cersei used to do the nasty together, back in the good old days, before he got that stupid bullseye tattoo on his forehead. (Word of advice to all you guys out there trying to get laid: forehead tattoos are a super turnoff. Nobody likes how you look in them, not even your Aunt! If they tell you they do, they are lying.)

lancel

Fortunately, the Mountain puts an end to this awkward moment by brutally murdering one of Lancel’s cult friends, whose last words are something like “Blerrrrrrrghhhhh, pffft.” (The Hound would be impressed!)

Such a good friend, that Mountain! He never wants anyone to feel uncomfortable or socially awkward.

tom

Later, King Tommen holds a press conference, where he bans Trial By Combat, despite the fact that it’s super fun to watch, and almost always leads to super gory and innovative death scenes like this one . . .

smushy

This means that Cersei and Loras will actually have to face trial for their crimes, and will probably lose. It also means that when they die, it will be in a way that’s super boring, like having the Hound pull their feet and play “this little piggy” with them. (Then again, I bet Cersei has some great shoes to steal. Way better than the Brotherhood Without Banners’ guy.)

pwned cer

Cersei, like the rest of us, is super bummed that The Mountain won’t be able to brutally massacre some poor schmuck with a bullseye tattoo on his forehead in her honor. But she’s not completely defeated. Apparently, her “little birds” have uncovered a piece of information that just might be able to save her life.

Hmmmm . . . I wonder what it could be? Something involving fire, perhaps?

burn them all

Jamie Lannister: He’s Sexy and He Knows It

nikolaj-coster-waldau-as-jaime-lannister

Over in Riverrun, Jamie reunites with Brienne, while Bronn and Pod discuss how really, really, ridiculously goodlooking Jamie is, and how much Brienne secretly wants to have sex with him. According to Bronn, everyone in the world wants to have sex with Jamie, which is very good news for someone who recently promised to “Fuck everyone who isn’t a Lannister.” Like Tyrion, Bronn is apparently interested in starring in a spinoff series after GOT ends. His series is called Gossip Knights.

"XO, XO!"

“XO, XO!”

In a tent nearby, Jamie and Brienne make heart eyes at one another, while playing with Jamie’s sword, and talking about war / how much Jamie loves and wants to continually bone his sister. (A.K.A. Foreplay) Brienne wants to return Jamie’s sword to him, but Jamie refuses it, because he feels Brienne has earned it, by keeping her oath to Catelyn Stark, and rescuing his daughter Sansa. Also, the sword is a metaphor for Jamie’s penis, which he can’t have, as long as he continues to act like Cersei’s bitch.

sworrd playsword play 2

Brienne asks that Jamie give her a chance to negotiate with the Blackfish. Jamie agrees to give Brienne one day to convince the Blackfish to abandon Riverrun, before sending his army in to murder all the Tully’s. Brienne tries to get the Blackfish to take his army back North to help Jon Snow and Sansa regain Winterfell. But Blackfish is a stubborn, sassy old coot, who refuses to help his relatives or listen to reason.

try to consider

 

Nonetheless, Jamie is touched by Brienne’s pleas for nonviolence. These help him to come up with a plan that involves prisoner Ed Tully. Jamie approaches Ed, who, like Bronn before him, spends about ten minutes talking about how sexy Jamie Lannister is, then asks him how he can stand to face himself in the mirror because “morals and stuff.”

edd it

 

Ed Tully, being a guy with weird teeth and worse hair, doesn’t get that really good looking terrible people love to look at themselves in the mirror. And the more terrible they are, the longer they like to look. (See, e.g. The Kardashians).

kardash

Nonetheless, Jamie uses Ed Tully, who, technically, is still the Lord of Riverrun, to enter the castle, and entreat the Tully army to willingly relinquish the property to the Lannisters / Freys, which is nice of him, I guess, but kind of lame / anti climactic for us.

Recognizing that Jamie has defeated the Blackfish, Brienne offers to help the old man escape and reunite with his niece Sansa, so that he can have the chance to fight in more battles in which his army is severely outnumbered. But Blackfish decides instead to die offscreen, because Boring Deaths are apparently the new Cool Death.

Ultimately, a somewhat defeated Brienne and Pod leave Riverrun, but not before sharing a rather angsty Goodbye Stare with Sexy Jamie. (If this was the Porn version of the show, all three of them would totally be fucking right now, just saying . . .)

longing look

looking at brienne

Speaking of Unsatisfactory Climaxes. . .

Evil Ginger Chick = Least Stealthy Assassin Ever

run waif run

 

chuckie run

The resemblance is kind of uncanny, no?

Over in Braavos, Pornstar Cersei is taking Arya’s acting notes, and using them to make Pornstar Joffrey’s death scene slightly more exciting than it was the last time. (Though, I still think it would be better if we got to see “Joffrey’s” face turn purple and his eyes bulge out, while he made gagging noises.)

cers and jof

After the show, Pornstar Cersei finds a very wounded Arya hiding in her dressing room, and nurses her back to health.

Things seem to be looking up for Arya, until Pornstar Cersei “mysteriously” kicks the bucket . . .

dead lady crane

 

scared baby gif

OMG, Evil Ginger Chick! You killed Pornstar Cersei! And now you want to kill Arya! You bastard!

run jump rollin

Except, rather than do it while she was sleeping, like a smart assassin, the Waif instead, jumps out at Arya, proudly announces her intent to murder, and then proceeds to loudly, noisily, and not particularly quickly, chase her through a series of public streets, stopping every five seconds to glare evilly at the camera.

sneering

 

Arya, for her part, clumsily rolls down steps, bumps into fruit carts, and continually injures her Immune to Stab Wound Abs, before finally luring Evil Ginger Chick into a dark hallway, where the two can battle in the dark . . . offscreen, naturally.

fight in dark

Presumably soon thereafter, Jagen Hagar is chilling at Burgerless White Castle when he finds a new head on his wall, it’s Evil Ginger Chick, all bloody with her eyes gouged out, which would make her a really awesome Halloween Mask.

the face

ChuckyDoll

But maybe not quite as good as this Halloween mask.

 

sent to kill

waif dead

arya stark of winterfell

 

But Arya is so done with this dead-end job, with no opportunity to for advancement, crap health benefits, worse hours, and worst of all: no actual burgers! So, the sassiest Stark child does what we’ve all been waiting for her to do for two seasons. She quits Burgerless White Castle, thereby regaining her identity, and the Stark name, as Jon and Sansa have also recently done.

Don’t call it a comeback, folks. The Stark family has been here for years.

Until next time, Westeros!

[Buy my book, please?]

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GAME OF THRONES: Every Hound Has Its Day (S6: Ep 7)

lyanna mormont

This week, Ian McShane becomes Drew Barrymore’s character from Scream. Arya learns to develop a healthy fear of old people. The High Sparrow gets pervy. Everyone’s favorite “canine” character returns to make up for all those dead direwolves. And I choose a new favorite candidate for the Iron Throne. (Hint: She’s pictured above.)

Let’s get on with it, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to my good pal Andre for providing screencaps that are the photographic equivalent of Dany Targaryen’s inflammable boobies, and Arya’s magical ab muscles. In other words, they are awesomeness incarnate.]

You Ain’t Nothing But a Hound Dog, Dying All the Time . . .

tough to kill

You could be excused from attempting to adjust your television set, or thinking you stumbled on the wrong channel, when the same show that never met an adorable direwolf or plucky young child it didn’t want to torture, rape, and murder, featured a cold-open (it never does that), filled with happy smiling people, working to the tune of cheery music (it definitely never does that).

heigh ho

Crap! Did someone forget to tell me that GOT was being preempted this week for that live action version of Snow White starring Kristen Stewart and Thor?

Ian McShane is there. And he’s kind of a big deal, British actor wise. So, his character definitely won’t be dead in forty minutes . . .

game-of-thrones-ian-mcshane

drew in scream

“He’s got Final Girl written all over his face. Just like I did . . . in that movie where I was gutted like a fish before the opening title card . . .”

Ooh, and there’s another familiar face! It’s The Hound! Remember him? He’s the guy who Brienne of Tarth “stabbed a whole bunch” and Arya left to bleed out on a slab.

shiny happy

Like Grumpy the dwarf . . . on steroids . . .

Ian McShane tells the Hound that he used to play a lot of gangsters, pirates and evil Santa Clauses, until he learned to make love not war and stuff like that . . .

ian mcshane deadwood

blow 1

blow 2

Ian McShane suggests that Hound let go of his anger and do the same thing. But the Hound is just super into chopping wood and hating people to death. So he’s just going to keep right on doing that, thank you very much!

When the Brotherhood Without Banners stops by and no so subtly threatens Ian McShane and his people, Ian doesn’t take it too seriously, until this happens . . .

massacre

dead ian

Omigod! You killed Ian McShane and all those other people we didn’t know! You bastards!

There is nothing like having your entire community brutally murdered, and getting hung from rafters that you built with your own hands, to make you question your new nonviolent life philosophies . . .

dead drew

“We could have been somebody. We could have been contenders!”

As for our friend the Hound, would you believe he was so busy chopping wood that he missed the presumably loud and brutal massacre of a village happening just two feet away? (That must be some really good wood.)

Logic and existence of ears aside, The Hound is back on the road again. And he’s brought his trusty axe with him. But something tells me that he’ll be chopping up wood of an entirely different sort, this time around . . .

takes ax

Be afraid Brotherhood without Banners. Be very afraid!

And You Thought Having The Sex Talk with Your Parents Was Bad . . .

Back in Kings Landing, High Sparrow is wondering why Margaery isn’t boning her prepubescent hubby Tommen anymore. “Don’t you find little boys sexy, anymore?” High Sparrow wonders out loud.

tommen with cat

“You are absolutely right, High Sparrow,” responds Margaery obediently. “I will most certainly start working harder to make babies with Tommen, as soon as his mother finishes breast feeding him . . . which should happen in another five to seven years.”

Placated by Margaery’s agreement to play Pin the Tail on the Pussy with Tommen more frequently, High Sparrow changes the subject to equally pressing issues, like the fact that Margaery’s grandmother, Lady Olenna, hasn’t drank the cult Kool Aid yet. And if she doesn’t do it soon, she might just be forced to do the Naked Poopy Walk of Shame. And NO ONE wants to see an eighty something year old woman naked!

no precious

What follows is a cool scene where Margaery meets with her grandmother under the watchful eyes of the “Shame, Shame Nun,” and though the new queen’s mouth is saying, “lots of super religious culty bull crap,” her eyes are saying, “Leave Kings Landing and save yourself, while you still have your dignity, and your clothing!”

believe me marg

hugs

Then, just in case Lady Olenna (and the viewers) are still wondering where Margaery’s loyalties truly lie, the Queen spells it out for us in adorable cartoon drawing . . .

06-funny-kids-drawings

Just kidding! Here’s the real picture . . .

the rose

Get it? It’s a rose! The emblem for the Tyrell house! Queen Margaery is not a scientologist after all! Hooray! She’s still probably going to have sex with Baby Tommen though . . .

Both secure in the knowledge that her granddaughter hasn’t actually lost her damn mind (She just plays someone who lost her damn mind in front of the Shame, Shame Nun!), and really, really, not wanting to have to get naked in front of millions of Game of Thrones fans, Lady Olenna decides to take Margaery’s advice and leave Kings Landing. Oddly enough, it’s Cersei, of all people, who entreats her to stay and fight the High Sparrow with her. But Olenna isn’t really buying her erstwhile nemesis’ sudden change of heart though . . .

worst person

pwned cer

Aww, come on now, Lady Olenna. Is Cersei really the worst person you ever met? If so, clearly, you haven’t met this guy . . .

sausage player

In Which Yara Greyjoy Gets Laid More Than You . . .

yara having a good time

So, Yara Greyjoy is a lesbian. Who knew? Apparently, the brothel girl whose “tits she wanted to f*&k off” had some idea. (Though, I’m not entirely sure one woman can actually f*&k the tits off another woman, anatomically speaking. But that’s neither here nor there.)

Meanwhile, Yara’s brother, Theon, is kind of depressed. And it’s all Yara’s fault. Because taking a guy with no penis to a brothel, is like taking a person on a diet to Kentucky Fried Chicken. It’s just mean and wrong.

Now Serving A Bucket Full Of Heartwarming!

“I’ll have the 54-piece chicken basket, a trough of corn muffins, and a diet Coke to go please!”

Nonetheless, Theon’s mopey-ness is harshing Yara’s buzz. And without a buzz, Yara can’t f*&k the tits off someone . . . though, as I’ve mentioned, she might not be able to do that anyway. So, like the good sister that Yara is, she forces her brother to drink massive quantities of liquor, while telling him to either man up, or kill himself. It’s pretty inspiring stuff!

sad the

crying theon

Hey Zoloft, I just found the new spokespeople for your next antidepressant commercial!

sad egg two

Step aside, Sad Egg. You’ve been replaced!

One Fish, Two Fish, Blackfish, Blue Fish

im disa

Not sure why everyone cares so much about getting control of Riverrun, which size wise, looks to be about the equivalent of four ranch style homes sitting next to one another in a modern-day suburban development. Nonetheless, the Frey army seems super serious about it, because they are willing to kill this guy, Ed Tully, to get it. And Blackfish, who is related to Ed Tully, is willing to let the poor guy die to keep it.

better ed

Who has a funny-looking haircut, and isn’t winning any popularity contests this week? THIS GUY!

Fortunately, Jamie and Bronn ride to Ed Tully’s rescue, because . . . wait for it . . . THEY WANT itty bitty Riverrun too!

dont say it

 

Aww! I missed the charming buddy cop comedy that was the Jamie and Bronn show! How could Blackfish possibly say no to these two handsome studs?

bummed

Apparently, pretty easily. Sorry Jamie! For what it’s worth, I think your cool blue armor really brings out the color in your eyes . . .

Little Bear Don’t Care

sansa and jon

Meanwhile, over in the North, Sansa and Jon are attempting to build their army with mixed success. Sure, things start off OK, when they procure everybody’s favorite giant, Wun-Wun, for their cause . . .

better wun wun

wun-wun

. . . along with everybody’s favorite ginger, Tormund . . .

looking at tormund

But my new favorite Queen Lyanna of Mormont is a bit tougher to sway. Though her house has always been loyal to the Stark family . . . one might argue that Jon (who is a Snow) and Sansa (who is arguably a Lannister or Bolton, by marriage, depending on which season of GOT you are Warg DVR-ing with Bran) are not actually Starks. When neither Sansa’s attempts to flatter, nor Jon’s attempts to impress the ten-year old sassy Queen succeed, Ser Davos chimes in with some serious truth talking. “Giiiiirllll,” he begins conspiratorially. “The Nights King is coming. So you can either fight with us, and be part of the Game of Thrones, with at least recurring character status. Or you can not join us, and become the little girl zombie that got her face blown off in the first few minutes of the pilot of The Walking Dead.”

king of the north

As with most children and sassy queens, honesty turns out to be the best policy. Queen Lyanna ultimately ends up offering up all her men to the Stark cause . . . all 62 of them.

proud house

half as ferocious

Ferocious, sassy, adorable, and Wun-Wun though they might be, Sansa is not particularly impressed with Jon Snow’s current army collection. And it’s because of this that the eldest Stark daughter feels forced to reach out to a former friend for help. . .

sansas letter

And though its tough to tell from the blurry snip-it we got to see on screen, I’m willing to bet that Sansa’s “friend’s” name rhymes with Diddle Dinger . . .

littlefinger

Arya Stark: No Face, Excellent Abs

arya

With her former coworker from Burgerless White Castle out for her blood, Arya knows she needs to leave Braavos and fast. She quickly manages to secure passage on a ship to parts unknown, which leaves at dawn. Unfortunately, that turns out to be a few hours too late, because mere minutes after the transaction is completed, this happens . . .

stabbing

Aren’t really, really ridiculously old people, the scariest? In fact, if there was a horror movie entitled, Oldies, I probably wouldn’t see it, because it would give me too many nightmares. In fairness, the woman stabbing Arya to death in this scene isn’t really an Oldie, it’s just the evil ginger pretending to be one for murdery purposes.

waif

After being stabbed about 85,000 times (enough times to at least temporarily murder Jon Stark) Arya falls into the water, and is presumed dead by Evil Ginger Chick, who has clearly never watched a horror movie in her life . . . otherwise she’d know that the dead always come back for one final Jump Scare in the last five minutes of the film.

boo wee

But Evil Ginger Chick’s being a moron with poor knowledge of horror film cliches isn’t the only thing Arya Stark has going for her. Apparently, she also has magical abdominal muscles that are immune to massive internal bleeding from multiple stab wounds! Isn’t that awesome? That’s almost as cool as having boobies that are immune to fire like Dany Targaryen!

arya i am

dany inflammable boobs

I’m still waiting to meet a character with a magical penis . . .

Arya’s perfectly fine, y’all! She’ll just need a little stain stick for all the blood on her dress. Maybe she can buy some at the gift shop that’s on the boat . . .

Until next time, Westeros!

(Buy my book, please!)

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GAME OF THRONES: At least nobody died! (S6: Ep: 6)

burn them all

This week, Bran fast forwards Warg DVR to reunite with a relative; Arya gives acting notes to a porn star; we meet Sam’s dad Archie Bunker; Tommen becomes the poster child for incest baby brain damage; and Dany gives her pregame speech while on a dragon, because walking is for pussies.

While not the season’s strongest episode (or second strongest, or third strongest), “Blood of My Blood” did have some fun and exciting things to offer loyal viewers, like for example the chance to re-experience a porn star version of that little sh*t Joffrey’s death . . .

joffrey death - season 4

Also, after last week’s bloodbath of an hour, the Grim Reaper decided to take a well-deserved vacation from the show. So, that was pleasant, I guess!

homer reaper

Let’s review, shall we?

Uncle Ben-jen . . . it’s not just a box of rice anymore

uncle ben

When we last left Oat Bran Stark, he was taking a much needed rest after EFFING UP ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING, AND FORCING ALL HIS FRIENDS TO KILL THEMSELVES. (Ruining lives is tiring, y’all). In present time, he is still napping to the dreamlike images of his trusty Game of Thrones Warg DVR, while poor Meera is frustratedly attempting to drag his lame ass to safety.

watch wait

“Are we there yet?” “No.” “Are we there yet?” “No.” “Are we there yet?” “Ask me that one more time, and I swear, I will turn these feet right around and, we will go home!”

This week’s Warg DVR installment of Game of Thrones is less a single episode of dubious importance and more a fast forwarding of the “previously on” segments from every Game of Thrones episode ever. I get it, Oat Bran. You’ve spent the past few months with an Old Man in the Tree Game of Thrones Zealot, who insists that you watch and rewatch all the most mundane scenes of the show and discuss and analyze them in great detail, when all you are really interested in is the murders and the shots of peoples’ boobies!

dany inflammable boobs

So, of course, among the many scene snip-its, we would get to see Jamie Lannister murdering Dany’s daddy, Aerys Targaryen, Mr. “Burn them All” himself. Because murder is cool, and crazy demented old people are always good for a few giggles.

burn them all big kills sits

Also, we get to see Oat Bran himself being pushed out of a tower by Jamie back in season 1. This must have been annoying for Bran to watch, because, obviously, he knew that happened to him already.

This “previously on” Warg DVR installment also contained some scenes from the Red Wedding (but not the Purple Wedding, though we’ll get that a bit later in the episode), Ned’s beheading, Dany’s “birthing of dragons,” young Ned seeking, but not getting, any answers about his sister’s whereabouts at the Tower of Joy, some folks making fire, and a whole bunch of stuff involving what Bran’s new man crush, the Night’s King, does in his spare time, when he’s not terrorizing Bran.

"They make this way too easy."

“I make this look goooood.”

If you are a GOT fan less like Oat Bran and More Like Old Man (Now Dead Man) in a Tree, I’m quite certain you can find a variety of fan sites that break down and analyze in detail all of Bran’s visions. Like this:

https://youtu.be/Tnf1f4w23Ic

And this:

http://www.thewrap.com/game-of-thrones-everything-bran-stark-saw-in-his-flashback-montage/

But since I’m a bit more of an Oat Bran-type fan myself, I’ll just tell you that there was lots of murder, but minimal boobies . . .

Eventually, Meera gets tired of dragging around a lifeless sack of Oat Bran, and drops him to the ground, just as he finally wakes up from his nap. Unfortunately, this is exactly the time when Oat Bran’s skeleton friends have found him in this not-very-challenging game of hide-and-seek.

“It looks like Warg DVR is about to be cancelled due to increased subscription prices, and because it keeps people from watching any commercials,” Meera says dejectedly. “Sorry about the whole, ‘You Are About to Die,’ thing, Oat Bran. Hopefully, there are Game of Thrones reruns in heaven!”

But then . . . some dude comes by on a horse with a whole lot of conveniently stored weapons in his coat, and he kills all the skeleton things!

thriller dance

It’s Benjen Stark . . . back from the dead . . . kind of!

benjen

Benjen explains that he should have become a zombie or White Walker, but the Tree People cured him using dragon glass . . . information which I imagine will come in handy later on this season. Also, we’ve added back another Stark to the show! And everybody wants more Starks . . . unless, of course, your last name happens to be Lannister!

Samwell Tarley: More than Just a Meathead

sam and gilly big

Back in the hilarious family sitcom portion of the show, Sam and Gillyland, Sam, Gilly and Little Sam (which, you should know, is the actual name of Gilly’s baby, and not a euphemism for Sam’s penis), head to Sam’s parents’ house at Horn Hill. Sam briefly reminds Gilly that her dad is a racist, and a perpetual grumpster, who absolutely hates Wildings, loves hunting, and occasionally sings off-key with his wife in front of the piano about the “Good Old Days” for sh*ts and giggles.

“Whatever you do, don’t tell my dad you are a Wilding!” Sam cautions Gilly.

Then a laugh track interrupts the scene out of nowhere, because we know that’s exactly what Gilly is going to do. And it’s going to be . . . wait for it . . . hilarious!

At Sam’s house in Horn Hill, Sam’s mom, Edith Bunker, is super nice to Gilly, making you wonder how she wound up with an asshat like Archie in the first place. (Maybe his sexy spouting of showtunes makes up for his generalized assholeishness.)

archie

As for Gilly, she’s super impressed by how friggin rich Sam is! He grew up in such a fancy place! Here people take real baths . . . and more than once every two years! And they wear clothes that aren’t made from the carcasses of dead animals! And they eat food that hasn’t been pre-chewed by that creepy wildling guy who boned all his daughters to make incest babies! In fact, within minutes of first entering Sam’s house, Gilly feels a bit like this . . .

https://youtu.be/_nM_-CFRBS8

. . . or maybe more like Julia Roberts’ character from Pretty Woman . . . you know, without all the prostitution stuff.

pretty woman shopping

But then, hijinks ensure at family dinner (as they tend to do on sitcoms like this). Sam’s dad, Archie Bunker, is super mean to him, calling him Meathead, deriding him for reading too many books, and eating too many bad carbs. When Gilly tries to defend her sort-of-boyfriend / husband’s honor, she only ends up inadvertently revealing the one thing she was forbidden to reveal in the first place. She’s a Wilding! (Insert laugh track here.)

Despite all his blustering, Sam’s dad does agree to raise Gilly’s child, and let Gilly stay, but only if she works as his “Sassy Maid with a Heart of Gold,” which, if we are being totally honest, is something All in the Family was sorely lacking.

gilly

But Sam’s all, “This is the Sam and Gillyland show! I’m not agreeing to a spinoff series, until I’ve at least lasted on air long enough to get syndication rights.”

And so, Sam and Gilly escape the Evil Archie Bunker together with Little Sam (again, the baby, not the penis), but not before Sam takes daddy’s sword, because petty larceny is super funny! *insert laugh track here*

takes sword

Stupid is the Head that Wears the Crown

talking

Back at Kings Landing, Margaery (whose hair is looking more fabulous than ever, thank you very much) is finally reunited with her husband, Twerpy Tommen, mere hours before her supposed Naked Shame Walk O’ Poopy.

“Wifey, I am so very sorry, you are going to have to get poop thrown at your boobies today,” sympathizes Tommen. “If only your boobies could have super powers like Dany Targaryen’s. Then, all the poop thrown at you would bounce off your boobies and hit all the poop-flinging poor people. Because poor people are just the worst, aren’t they wifey?”

“You know Tommen, during my time in Religious Nutbar Jail (and by “during my time” I mean “in the last five minutes before you showed up”) I’ve decided to convert to Scientology like Tom Cruise and John Travolta!”

good at good

Tommen wrinkles his nose. “But High Sparrow isn’t even a Scientologist,” he argues.

“Oops,” corrects Margaery, “wrong cult whose premises I don’t really believe in, but whose allegiance might be beneficial to my career. What I mean to say is, I’ve decided to become a Religious Nutbar, and you should become one too!”

“OK,” Tommen says excitedly, drinking the Kool Aid, Margaery has carefully packed into his Care Bear lunch box.

“Don’t you want to know why I think you should become a Religious Nutbar?” Margaery asks curiously.

“No, I don’t need an explanation,” offers Tommen. “I just generally agree with the last thing anybody says to me at any given moment. It’s pretty much my only defining character trait.”

tommen with cat

Then, comes the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Naked Poop Flinging Time!

But wait! A hero has come to rescue Margaery from the indignities suffered by his sister (probably because the actress who plays Margaery has smartly included a “no haircuts” and “no poop boobs” clause into her contract).

It’s Jamie Lannister, and he’s on a horse that can climb stairs!

rides up

This is almost as exciting as a CGI Dragon that people pretend to get burned by, while staring at a Green Screen!

“Sorry folks, there will be no poop flinging today,” Jamie explains gallantly.

“You are absolutely right,” responds High Sparrow, before laughing malevolently, stroking a fake mustache, and decapitating an entire basket of cute puppies with a single hand.

puppies

(No cute puppies were harmed in the making of this recap.)

“I proudly present to you the new Mr. and Mrs. Religious Nutbar,” High Sparrow pronounces, “They are here to remove all your First Amendment Privileges, erase the already barely there separation between church and state, and star in the best shampoo commercials ever made by man.”

church state

And that was how King Tommen and Queen Margaery became card-carrying scientologists . . . oops, I mean that other religious cult thing from this show.

beaten us

Of course, new Religious Nutbar Tommen has to punish Jamie for “walking up the stairs on a horse.” So he sends him to Riverrun so he can meet up with Brienne and have awkward sexually tense encounters with someone who isn’t his sister . . . um, I mean recapture the land for Lannister ally, Walder Frey.

kissed tully boots

Back at the castle, Jamie Lannister is soooo done with this Religious Nutbar plotline. “It’s already episode 6. Can’t we just murder High Sparrow already? Surely the show is ready for another Big Bad by now,” he explains to Cersei.

“Not until the Season Finale. Patience, Jamie,” responds an uncharacteristically serene and calculating Cersei. (Haircuts and poop boobs must be really good for your mental health!)

Then, the brother and sister pair have to make out, because, as a rule, every GOT episode needs something nauseating to happen during it. And nobody gets their head chopped off, face smashed in, poisoned until they turn purple, or has their innards pulled from their stomachs, this week, so there you have it . . .

love lover

Arya Stark: Porn Star Murderer for Hire?

retrieve

Back in Braavos, Arya is still watching Game of Thrones porn. (Coach potato-ism must be a recurring genetic trait in the Stark family.) This time, Arya is watching a reenactment of my favorite all-time scene of Game of Thrones: the one where Joffrey gets poisoned by bad wine! (The play scene is almost as good as the original scene. But it would be way better with the purple face, buggy eyes and gaggy noises of actor Jack Gleeson.)

After the show is over, Arya heads off to do her Burgerless White Castle duties of poisoning Pornstar!Cersei’s rum flagon. Shortly thereafter, Pornstar!Cersei finds Arya lurking around and weirdly enough asks her for “notes” on her performance. “You should play Cersei much angrier,” Arya notes. “Also, consider painting Pornstar!Joffrey’s face purple, making his eyes bug out of his head, and extending his death scene for another ten minutes, because that would be awesome.”

“Thanks!” Pornstar!Cersei exclaims gratefully.

not dead

“You’re welcome,” Arya replies, finally realizing that maybe Burgerless White Castle isn’t such a great place to work, seeing as they insist on killing the world’s sweetest pornstars. “Hey, I wouldn’t drink that rum, if I were you.”

Like a boss, Arya, knocks the poisoned flagon out of Pornstar!Cersei’s hand, fingers Pornstar!Sansa as the woman who likely hired the hit on Pornstar!Cersei, in the first place, rescues her trusty sword Needle from the rocks, and escapes Burgerless White Castle for good, like she should have done weeks ago.

Oh, I should probably mention that Ginger Chick wants to kill Arya now, instead of just beat the shit out of her, like she’s been doing all season. This probably means that Ginger Chick is finally going to die next week! Hooray for soon-to-be dead annoying gingers!

arya i am

We’ve Got Spirit, Yes We Do! We’ve Got Spirit or My Dragon will Kill You!

dragon kill

Finally, over in Dothraki territory, sexy Daario questions Dany about her plan for governance of Westeros, once she inevitably uses her inflammable boobs to take over the world. “Huh?” Dany responds blankly.

more talkin

In case it hasn’t already been made painfully obvious, Dany Targaryen would make a crap president. But she’d make an AMAZING FOOTBALL COACH! And so what follows, in the last five minutes of the episode, is the best pre-game locker room speech ever . . . not because of what Dany says, mind you. Because what Dany says is the same empty crap coaches have been telling their teams for years, “Work hard for me. You are all equally important members of my team. We are going to destroy our opposition, blah, blah, blah!”

give me seven choose you all

But she does it while on top of a dragon. And dragons, in case you didn’t know, are like chocolate and sex. Add them to anything, and it instantly becomes irresistible.

Until next time, Westeros!]

Cross post at Happy Nice Time People.

[Buy my book. Please?]

snarky goes

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