Game of Thrones: Please, Don’t Eat the Help! ( Recap S 6: Ep 2)

dragon meeting

This week on Game of Thrones, Jon Snow LIVES! Roose Bolton DIES! Tyrion doesn’t get eaten by dragons. And Hodor expands his vocabulary, sort of. One of the benefits of posting a late recap, is I can spoil big plot points right off the bat, while only feeling mildly guilty about doing it.

So, let’s do it, Westeros!

[A very special shout-out and thanks to my spectacular screencap provider / friend Andre. He alone has the power to make Jon Snow’s naked corpse-like torso shine like the top of the Chrysler Building!]



Bran’s back, you guys!

cersei eye roll

Wait! Don’t leave! It’s a good storyline, this time, I promise . . . well, I mean, it’s a slightly better storyline than the Uber Depressing, Nature Walks with the Permanently Disabled of seasons past!

So, Bran’s doing that thing he does, where his eyes get all milky, and he gets to see stuff through the mind of a bird, or a wolf, or a blade of grass or something. This time, he gets to be a flesh and blood real boy! Oh Pinocchio would be so proud!

with legs

Bran Stark . . . now with even more usable legs!

Bran’s LSD tripping travels this week take him back to his father’s childhood at Winterfell. Bran’s uncle is there! Also, Bran’s sassy dead aunt on his dad’s side, Lyanna (. . . not to be confused with his creepy dead aunt on his mom’s side, Lysa, who breast fed her kid until he was like 20, loved Littlefinger and got thrown to her death from something called a “moon door). P.S. Start using different letters than “L” and “M” to name your second-tier female characters, George R.R. Martin!


dying lysa

But Bran’s real find on his Virtual Reality for the Middle Ages journey is a then-fully communicative young Hodor. What happened to him to make him lose all his words? Did he fall off a very high horse and hit his head really hard? Did he experience something so traumatic that it robbed him of his capacity for speech? Did he watch the scenes of Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy one too many times?



The world may never know . . . or at least they won’t find out this week.

Fun-Fun with Wun-Wun

So, do you remember that scene from last season, when the Wildings are battling the White Walkers, and a real scary looking one latches itself onto the Giant, Wun-Wun’s neck, and Wun-Wun swats it off its body, like it’s nothing more than a pesky fly? Now, imagine what a guy like that could do with a troop of wimpy, non-magical power having, Jon Snow murdering, cowardly traitors?


For those of you (like me), who’ve been wondering how long it would be for Jon Snow’s allies, Davos and Edd, to seek the help of the Wildings in avenging the “death” of Jon Snow, you all got your wish this week! Just when it seems like Team #Dead Jon Snow (including Ghost) is a total goner, holed up in a small room with limited weapons and manpower, as Thorne’s Knights Watchmen gradually bash down the door that’s keeping them protected, in walk the Wildings, led by Wun-Wun and kickass Ginger Dude Tormund, to crash this party. (Jon’s ill-fated lady love, Ygritte, for sure would be loving this!)


“Kill those douche nozzles, Wun-Wun and Tormund. Kill them hard! Especially that little rodent, Ollie!”

As Wun-Wun starts boredly tossing those Knight’s Watch Weiners into the Castle Wall (Please toss that little sh*t Ollie! Please toss that little sh*t Ollie!), these men, who are supposedly ensuring the safety of Westeros, start running away like little b*tches, which, by the way, says very little about the “military of Westeros.” I don’t know about you guys, but I’d absolutely prefer Wun-Wun and the Wildings to watch over me at night, rather than these backstabbing losers . . .


Ultimately, the Wildings and those Knights Watchmen Still Loyal to Jon Snow gain the upper hand, and all the asshat Front-Stabbers of Jon Snow (including that little sh*t Ollie – YEAH!!!) get dragged away like the mangy dogs they are.

But who will lead this rag tag crew filled with men and one Giant, whose name rhymes with Fun-Fun? Davos has an idea . . .

idea davos

“Sup Melissandre?” Asks Davos, later that evening.

Melissandre is wearing her necklace now. So, Davos is looking at her like she’s a late thirty something hot chick, as opposed to the Estelle Getty character from The Golden Girls. mixed with The Crypt Keeper that we all now know her to be.


“I’m sexy and I know it.”

“You seem like the kind of girl who does creepy things, like drink poison for sh*ts and giggles, and pull murderous black shadow babies out of your hoo-hah. Do you think you could maybe amorously wash the corpse of a definitely dead sexy man, until he comes back to life, and subsequently leads us all toward World Domination?”

“Maybe,” replies Melissandre, noncommittally.

Well . . . it isn’t a “no!”

F*ck Everyone Who Isn’t the Lannisters!

Jamie’s inspirational (not to mention aspirational . . . especially, considering the fact that Jamie may well never have actually f*&ked someone who “wasn’t a Lannister” before) comes into play, in earnest, this week, when The Mountain stomps around town murdering anyone who has the gall to speak ill of Cersei Lannister. He even kills the drunken lout, who unconvincingly brags to his friends about boning Cersei immediately after her naked walk of shame. (Because nothing makes you super horny, like utter humiliation, am I right ladies? *insert eyeroll here*)

mountainn dont take that

Feminists come in all shapes and sizes . . .

And yet, all is not well in Kings Landing. For starters, King Tommen is not letting Cersei attend the private funeral viewing of her own daughter! (And we all remember how much fun Cersei had at the funeral viewing of her last dead kid!)

corpse sex

Speaking of funeral sex, Cersei’s lover Jamie is not fairing much better. His not-so-thinly veiled threats to murder the High Sparrow, for tearing apart his family and ruining its (well not exactly “good,” but not nearly as bad as, say, the Bolton’s, because they are the ABSOLUTE WORST) name, crashes and burns, when the High Sparrow brings all his fellow cult followers to the fight. And Jamie One Hand finds himself to be not so much of a match for them.

face off

“Can’t we just get along and have sex on top of this corpse instead?”

In slightly better Lannister news, mother and son, Cersei and Tommen, eventually make amends with one another, when Tommen begs Cersei for help him to become a stronger ruler. Now, Cersei, herself, is far from someone I would call, the ideal queen. (I’d still vote for her over Donald Trump though.) But hey, if Cersei can get Tommen to do something on this show aside from play with his pussy, that would be a big help, plotline wise.

father mother

Pussy CAT . . . I mean . . . obviously, I meant his pussy cat.😉

tommen with cat

Dungeons and Dragons and Drunk Dwarves, Oh My!

what am i nuts

A word of advice for any of you out there planning on adopting some pet dragons from your local animal shelter. Dragons don’t like being chained up! In fact, chaining up your dragons will give them a permanent case of the sads.

sad drag

And you don’t want your pet dragons to be sad, do you? So, what if they eat you, the second they find themselves unharnessed? Isn’t it worth losing your head (which you weren’t using anyway) and other random body parts, for the love of fire-breathing reptiles?

With Mereen in utter turmoil and Dany nowhere to be found, Drunk Tyrion somehow gets the “amazing” idea to free Dany’s dragons, in the hope that this will make the recently conquered land appear more formidable to its enemies.

drink and know things

“The dragons will like me,” insists Tyrion, when questioned as to whether he’s the least bit worried that he is about to become dragon food, during his noble Free the Reptiles quest. “Everybody likes me. I’m small, and snarky, and I get all the best one-liners on the show!”

Tyrion sure seems confident enough, when he’s chatting with his fellow councilmen, but when he’s alone with the two not-so-baby dragons in the dark, with nothing but a small torch to protect him, it’s clear that the dwarf is beginning to doubt himself.


“I’m here to help you. Please don’t eat the help,” Tyrion pleads, as he gently removes the shackles from the first dragon.

And, wouldn’t you know it, the darn thing actually doesn’t eat Tyrion, when he has the chance!

But then something really amazing happens! The second dragon, actually bends his neck toward Tyrion to HELP the dwarf remove HIS shackles too. It’s a downright sweet, and almost loyal, puppy-like thing for a dragon to do.

Could this mean that the long-held fan theory that Tyrion has Targaryen blood is actually true? Or do dragons just really find drunk men the size of small children to be just as hilarious as the rest of us do?

Whatever the reason that the dragons are merciful to Tyrion, the deceptively courageous dwarf isn’t about to engage in a repeat performance anytime soon. “Next time I decide to do something like that, please punch me in the face,” the littlest Lannister insists to Varys, as he leaves the now-free dragons behind him.



Well, I’ll drink to that!

Burgers for the Blind Beggar

follow me

Another day, another beat-down for Blind Arya by that b*tchy red head who works with her at Burgerless White Castle. But this time, something different happens afterwards. Jaagen Hgar offers Arya food, a bed, and her sight back, but only if she reveals her “true name.”

beat up by ging

“I have no name. I am nobody,” Arya continually insists, like the good little student / Possible Scientologist she has become. “Except, Tom Cruise. I might be him.”

“Well played, Arya Wan Kenobie, A++,” responds Jaagen. “For your efforts, come back to Burgerless White Castle with me for the night. I can’t feed you a burger, because we are burgerless, obviously. But I’ll feed you a dead rat, and some folks tell me that the two taste exactly the same.

Way to give up your originality for a Scooby Snack, Arya! Your brutally murdered parents must be so proud!

It’s a Dog Eat Baby World Out There!

Ramsey Bolton is bummed. Having been a bastard child all his life, he’s always been the Jan Brady of his frightening family.

Ramsey Snow


But then he learns that his father’s wife has given him a legitimate male heir to the throne! This demotes Ramsey even further down the Bolton pedigree. Now, he’s no better than Cousin Friggin Oliver! And nobody likes a Cousin Oliver!


So Ramsey does what any vaguely ignored child would do in his situation . . . he brutally stabs his father in the gut, then feeds his step mother and brand new little half brother to hungry dogs.

dead roose

“I prefer to be an only child,” explains Ramsey, in apparent justification for his unspeakable actions.

It’s the first thing this psychopath ever said with which I actually agreed . . . ONLY CHILDREN RULE!

Reek, No More! (Because you can shower in the snow!)

Sansa, Podrick and Brienne are headed to Castle Black, where they hope that Sansa’s half sibling, Jon Snow, will lend her protection from the Boltons’ murderous intents and generalized rapey grossness. Theon’s invited too, but he’s not coming. “I cannot make amends to your family for the things I’ve done,” he admits.

crying theon

(Fortunately, for Theon, most of Sansa’s family has already been brutally murdered, so there isn’t really anybody left alive to judge him for his crimes.)

Nonetheless, Theon wishes to leave Sansa and Co., and, instead, return home to his own awful family who hates him so. But hey, at least the Greyjoys aren’t as bad as the Lannisters or the Boltons. Don’t get me wrong, GOTers, they are almost as bad, but only bad enough to receive the Bronze Medal of Despicability, not Silver or Gold.


The good thing about being a guy formerly known as Reek, and traveling to a water-logged town like the one of his birth, is that there are always a multitude of new and exciting places to shower. This means, you can always prevent yourself from smelling like a barnyard animal, when trying to charm the ladies, which is super important, if you ever want to get laid ever again, in spite of the whole “no cock and balls” thing . . .

The Bridge of Kerplop

on the bridgee

Back at Theon’s birth home, Balon Greyjoy is being a dick to his daughter, as per usual. When he tires of doing that, he decides to go for a walk on the most poorly constructed bridge of all time, in the midst of what appears to be a pretty bad storm, since Greyjoys are SUPER SMART! It is there that his own brother unceremoniously tosses the old dude off the bridge into the watery depths, because, much like most of the characters on this show, Balon’s brother is a terrible person.

Then again, maybe he just wanted to prove the long-held rumor that really, really, ridiculously old men could fly?

You Know Nothing About Vampires and Zombies, Jon Snow!

rise wolf

Speaking of really, really ridiculously old people, Melissandre has agreed to help bring Jon Snow back from the dead. In about two seconds of screentime, we know exactly why! Apparently, in this world, “awaking the dead” involves flirtatiously wetting all their erogenous zones with a washcloth, and cutting their hair. Sounds like a blast to me!

wash and waaiting

Though, in all honesty, I can’t imagine how actor Kit Harrington managed to keep a straight “dead” face through it all. I mean, seriously could you imagine how many takes it would muster to complete that scene, if poor Kit were the least bit ticklish to the touch . . . or worse, if he got a Corpse Boner? Rigor Mortis anyone?

she can do it

Anywhoo, when Melissandre is finished haphazardly bathing Dead Jon, and he still seems dead as a doornail (though cleaner and with a way better haircut than he’s had in four seasons) she dejectedly goes back to her room to take off her necklace and re-Golden Girl herself. Tormund, Davos and Edd stick around a bit longer, but, eventually they too give up hope that Dead Jon will come back to life as an evil zombie, who will murder them all in their sleep. So, they head to bed as well.

But then, Ghost, who has been rudely napping throughout this entire, vaguely pornographic, resurrection, abruptly awakens and stares at his human alter ego, Jon Snow. Could this mean that . . .?

Yep, it can! Seconds later, JON SNOW IS ALIVE and gasping for air. The only problem is that he’s super super pale. Do you think they have tanning beds over at Castle Black?


“I don’t know about you, but I could really go for some White Castle burgers right about now.”

Until next time, Westeros!

[Shameless self promotion alert: Do you like stories with snark? Romance? Friendship? Awkward sexual encounters? Vengeance? Drag queens? Puppies with two wheels for back legs? If so, please feel free to check out my new novel, Snarky Goes to Hollywood. It’s only a $1 on Kindle, Folks … the same amount of money you occasionally give homeless people on the street, when you can no longer avoid making eye contact with them .]

Cross posted at Happy Nice Time









Filed under Game of Thrones, Uncategorized

ONCE UPON A TIME: Get Out of Hell Free Card (Recap S5: Ep 20)

"Now what the heck are we supposed to do for two more episodes?" "Disney World, anyone?"

“Now what the heck are we supposed to do for two more episodes?”
“Disney World, anyone?”

This week on Once, all the disjointed plot points line up in just the right way for everybody to conveniently get out of the Underworld . . . well, everybody except the guy they went in to get in the first place. Also, we learn the true inspiration behind Emma’s fashion choices.

It’s time to finally cash in that “Get Out of Hell Free” card, we’ve been holding on to all season long. Let’s do it, Oncers!

Crimes of Fashion

finding her

The year is 2009. The world economy is in the crapper. Twilight: New Moon is in theaters. And Emma Swan is still in the throes of her Emo Glasses and a Ponytail phase of life. When we meet up with Emma, she’s hanging around some fast food joint near where Snow White and Prince Charming abandoned her, by putting her inside a tree with a guy suffering from a rare disease that causes the wrong part of his body to grow when he’s thinking naughty thoughts.


Emma is hoping maybe the people at the fast food joint might remember her parents from 26-years ago, when they abandoned her ass. Apparently, Emma has never worked in fast food. If she had, she’d know that it’s hard enough to remember whether the person in front of you wanted just lettuce and tomato on her burger or onions too, let alone what terrible parents frequented the joint 26 years ago. And that’s assuming any of the same people still work there from back then!


A hip looking middle-aged lady seems creepily sympathetic to Emma’s lost cause, waxing poetic about how “young and beautiful” our protagonist happens to be. But then, just when you think the older lady is going to ask Emma out on a date, she not so subtly lets her know that she’s a bail bondsperson, tasked with collecting Emma and bringing her back to Arizona, where our plucky heroine had apparently recently skipped bail.

This, bail bondsperson, named Cleo Fox, is clearly not very good at her job, otherwise she would have handcuffed Emma, right when she was sitting across from her at the fast food table, rather than eye sexing her for three minutes, and then allowing Emma to get a running head start away from her. Cleo does eventually manage to catch Emma though. Then, she brings her back to her hotel room and chains her to the radiator, while she showers and “changes into something more comfortable.”

Damn, this flashback is getting kinkier than I thought!

Left to her own devices, Emma easily frees herself of her handcuffs, and rifles through Cleo’s stuff, finding some cash, and a picture of a little girl named “Tasha” taken in 1999. Also nearby is a computer conveniently left on a Stalk People for Free website. Suddenly, a lightbulb goes off in Emma’s head. Maybe she can use the Stalk People for Free website to find her no goodnick parents. Emma briefly considers the fact that she can also use it to check up on HER son, who she gave birth to in jail, and then gave up for adoption eight years ago. But meh! Kids are boring!

ouat 4.2 henry 2

Emma somehow convinces Cleo to spend the day with her engaged in the futile task of searching court records for her parents, before Emma returns to the authorities in Arizona. This is likely either because Cleo is a moron. Or, she’s super attracted to Emma, and is also a moron.

Emma’s trip to the court house is predictably fruitless, as public records about NOT REAL fairytale characters have always been a bit lacking. “You should buy yourself a nice bright colored leather coat, so you don’t have to think about how sh*tty your parents are,” suggests Cleo.

“Why would a stupid coat make me forget that I was abandoned by my parents 26-years ago, spent my life in the foster system, and was turned to a life of crime?”

“I don’t know,” shrugs Cleo. “Something about the toxic fumes from the paint used to dye the leather causing a very specific type of brain damage. It’s the reason I keep allowing you to drag me around on these wild goose chases against my better judgment. The parts of my brain that deal with emotions and logical reasoning have decayed to basically nothing by now.”

Speaking of brain damage, Emo Emma must have been inhaling some of the toxic fumes in Cleo’s leather jacket, because she leaves the hotel in the middle of the night, to BREAK INTO THE COURTHOUSE and read the exact same records she just found a few hours ago, again. Cleo wakes up and heads to the courthouse to find her, and they somehow both end up being chased by the cops. Rather than telling the cops that she was only on the scene to perform a citizen’s arrest on Emma, Cleo inexplicably jumps out a two story glass window to evade “capture,” and then appears surprised, ten minutes later, when she finds a lethal shard of glass in her abdomen.

(Let that be a lesson to you kiddies, drugs and leather paint fumes are bad for you! Wear cotton!)


With her dying breaths, Cleo conveniently admits that the child in the picture in her wallet is the kid that SHE abandoned years ago. “Interesting,” responds Emma to dying Cleo. “I have a kid too, and I won’t give a sh*t about him for another three years.”

Shortly after Cleo’s death, Emma takes a job as a bailbonds person, herself, and uses all her good stalker software to track down Cleo’s daughter at where she works: a clothing store that specializes in leather jackets that cause brain damage. “Hi Cleo’s daughter,” Emma begins. “I was directly responsible for your mom’s death, but here’s a folder filled with stuff about her, you probably could have found yourself on Google. By the way, can I buy a brain-damaging red leather jacket from you? I want to wear it for five seasons, and never wash it ever, because hygiene is for weiners.”

sad emma

And that, my Dearies, is how Emma came to own her most prized piece of clothing . . .

Meanwhile, in the FUTURE . . .

The Heart Wants What It Wants

happy couple

Something is happening to Hades. Every week, he reads his lines slower and slower . . . with . . . more . . . and . . . more . . . unnecessary . . . pauses. It’s to the point where, if this keeps up, every remaining episode is going to have to be over two hours long just to fit in his dialogue. And he doesn’t even have a brain-damaging leather jacket to blame it on!

Anywhoo, Hades wants our Gang of Heroes to help him rescue Zelena, who has been captured by Rumpel and Pan. In exchange, he will grant them all a free pass out of the Underworld. Emma totally trusts Hades, despite having absolutely no reason to do so, because her brain-damaging leather jacket has turned her “Super Power of Always Knowing When Someone is Lying” to complete and utter mush.

Rumpel’s and Pan’s conditions for Zelena’s release are easy. All Hades has to do is rip up the contract giving him rights to Belle’s and Rumpel’s unborn child. Hades does this immediately, and without much fanfare, because he never really wanted Rumpbelle’s baby anyway, it was just a plot conceit to get the two characters involved in the Underworld story.

But then Pan reveals the twist in the plan. Hades can have Zelena back, as long as he gets to remove her heart and use it so that he can leave the Underworld and return to Earth. Fortunately for Zelena, Emma is on hand to rescue her from Pan. As for Rumpel, upon realizing that his baby is free, and remembering that he doesn’t give two sh*ts about his awful father Pan, he quickly disappears to give True Love’s Kiss to Belle, except, GASP, it doesn’t work, and she stays comatose . .. because the actress is still too pregnant to show her belly on camera.

ouat 4.1 belle

Back in our main plotline, Zelena has been saved! It’s time for her and Hades to finally swap spit. I mean, can you imagine, two of the most evil villains of all time, too pious to get first base, until they’ve dated for nearly the entire season? Was there a plot point where Hades became a member of the Duggar clan (but not Josh!) that I missed?

So, anyway, Zelena and Hades play some tonsil hockey, and this causes some rainbow special effects to fly around the room. You know what that means! Zelena’s a closet lesbian! Just kidding! It means True Loves Kiss, obviously! Now, Hades has become a true mortal, with a beating heart. And this means he can leave the Underworld with his lover Zelena and the rest of the heroes!

And they all lived Happily Ever After, right? WRONG!

Justify My Love

Hades leads the entire cast to a newly opened portal back to Earth, and dutifully removes all the characters names from the tombstones, so they can leave at will, since none of them were actually dead in the first place . . . correction: only one of them was actually dead, in the first place.

hook pel

With Regina’s help, Emma splits her own heart in two, so she can share hers with Hook to bring him “back to life and home.” Unfortunately, it doesn’t work. Apparently, Hook has been dead too long, has rotted and decayed too much, and had his corpse feasted on by way too many maggots to be revived by a simple half heart.

didnt work

Emma is understandably devastated. Sex with a smelly corpse would be such a turnoff, even if that smelly corpse looked like an only slightly rotting version of Hook.

“Don’t worry, Emma. You can go down to my basement and get Hook some munchies called Ambrosia. That will bring him back to life. Why don’t you and Hook go and get that stuff, while the rest of the cast waits around for you and does nothing? Meanwhile, Zelena and I will take Robin Hood’s baby and return to Storybrooke by ourselves. What could possibly go wrong with that plan?” He inquires, before twirling a mustache he doesn’t have, and laughing maniacally at the camera.

the moving hair

“Nothing suspicious to see here . . .”

“I trust Hades,” Emma responds dumbly. (I blame the leather jacket.)

“Me too,” replies David, Regina, Hook and Henry. (I blame plot convenience.)

“What are you guys f*&King nuts?” Robin Hood asks.

robin hood

“Even I know something is fishy about this guy, and I spent most of my life not wearing underpants . . .”


“I feel so free!”

“Shut up, Robin! You aren’t a well-developed enough character to have opinions on stuff like this,” lectures Regina. “You are grounded. Now, go outside, so you can think about what you’ve done . . . also so Rumpel can steal your heart and give it to Peter Pan, thereby leaving you stuck in the Underworld.”

“Hodor,” responds Robin Hood.

Then he realizes he’s not on Game of Thrones, steps outside and waits patiently for his heart to be ripped out.

Downstairs in the basement, Emma finds that in order to open the pantry door with the munchies in it that she will need to feed Hook, so he can get out of Hell, she first has to weigh her heart, to see if it needs to go on a diet. Just kidding, the weighing process is supposed to show whether she really loves Hook, or whatever.

hearts on fire

“Don’t worry. This is all part of the foreplay process. Our heroes love foreplay!”

When Emma first puts her heart on the scale, not only does the Munchies Pantry door not open, but Hook gets engulfed in flames, and Emma suffers from what appears to be a heart attack, even though she isn’t wearing her heart at the time. Instead of rescuing her own heart, Emma jumps on top of Hook to snuff out his flames, also because it’s kind of sexy to jump on top of your boyfriend in the basement of Hell. How many people get to say they’ve experienced that in a lifetime, I mean seriously?

uh oh

*insert 70’s porn music here*

This act of sacrifice proves that Emma loves Hook more than she loves herself or her brain damaging leather jacket. And so, the Munchies Pantry from Hell opens!

hell test

Not so Fast . . .

grab on

The only problem is that someone has gone and eaten all the ambrosia out of it already. Those pigs!

Realizing that Hook is likely going to be stuck down in Hell forever, and this whole season / Underworld Road Trip has potentially been a massive waste of time, Hook and Emma share a seriously sweet goodbye. Emma promises not to lock up her heart with brain damaging leather jackets as a result of losing Hook. And Hook promises not to have Emma as his unfinished business, thereby allowing him to get to Heaven. It’s the kind of all-encompassing conversation we all wish we could have had with loved ones prior to their passing, but most likely did not.

Then, Hook and Emma hold one another’s hands for as long as possible, until Emma rises above ground and emerges from the basement.

In other bad news, the rest of the Once Gang finally figures that Hades tricked them, when Cruella and that witch from Hansel and Gretel lock them all in a room, so they can’t make it out to the portal back to Storybrooke.

new sheriffs

Fortunately, this bad news is quickly eradicated when a tearful Emma emerges from the basement. Together, her and Regina free the gang in time for them all to get to the portal. But what about Robin Hood? Doesn’t Pan have his heart?


As it turns out, Rumpel was just kidding about the whole stealing Robin Hood’s heart thing. He promptly vanquishes his dad, puts his sleeping girlfriend in a box for safekeeping (Oh the metaphors!), and returns to Storybrooke with the rest of the crew . . . except Hook . . . and Pan . .. and all the people who got turned into sperm this season . . .

Until next time, My Dearies!

[Shameless self promotion alert:  Do you like stories with snark?  Romance?  Friendship?  Awkward sexual encounters?  Vengeance?  Drag queens?  Puppies with two wheels for back legs?  If so, please feel free to check out my new novel, Snarky Goes to Hollywood.  It’s only a $1 on Kindle, Folks … the same amount of money you occasionally give homeless people on the street, when you can no longer avoid making eye contact with them .]

Cross-posted at Happy Nice Time People.


Filed under Once Upon a Time, Uncategorized

Game of Thrones: The Importance of Good Jewelry (Game of Thrones Season 6 Premiere Recap)

got header

GOT’s sixth season premiere offered a little something for everyone: long awaited reunions, kick ass females, gory murder sequences, quotable one-liners, adorable dire wolfs, more grist for the Jon Snow: Dead or Alive Speculation Mill, and naked old people. Because some folks are just really into naked old people . . .

Let’s get on with it, shall we?

[Special thanks to my talented pal Andre for all the gorgeous screencaps found here. Anything you like about this recap is his. Anything you hate about this recap is all me!]

Wanted: Deadish or Alivish

dragon blood

Close up on Jon Snow, looking a little bit dead. Then again, he’s been lying on the ground and bleeding for an entire year, and hasn’t decayed one bit. Plus his hair is still perfection. So, at least there’s that . . .

The wailing mournful howls of Jon’s faithful direwolf, Ghost, cause Davos to come and investigate . . . even though the presumably recent sounds of about twenty some-odd people stabbing Jon Snow, while loudly and repeatedly chanting “For the Watch,” aroused no suspicion in him, (or anyone else for that matter) whatsoever.

wake up buddy

Davos, who has become a GOT nerdy fanboy just like the rest of us, takes some time to study the ink blot pattern made by Jon Snow’s blood for clues as to whether he might still be alive. What say you GOT fans? Does it look like a dragon? Angel Wings? Donald Trump’s Wig?

ink blot test

Maybe it just looks like globs of blood. And we are all pretty gross for taking so much time studying it.

Davos and Jon’s loyal friend, Edd Tollett, carry Snow’s corpse-maybe? indoors, where they encounter Melisandre, who seems surprisingly at a loss regarding how to proceed, which is weird because she’s generally “All about the Corpses” in the same way that Meghan Trainor is “All about that Bass”

Edd, to his credit, is at no such loss. He wants to kill everybody in the Knight’s Watch for what they did to his pal, Jon Snow, and Direwolf Ghost totally agrees.


hes mad as hell

At the next Knight’s Watch meeting, Thorne admits immediately to killing Jon, but tries to convince all his pals that this is a good thing. For one thing, Jon was friends with the Wildlings, and everyone knows that the Wildings have cooties. More importantly, now that Jon’s gone, the Superlative for Best Hair Among Members of the Knight’s Watch is totally up for grabs.


But it’s not going to be you, Thorne. Because your hair is total crap.

Later, Thorne offers an olive branch to Davos and Edd, who have taken to locking themself in a room with Jon Snow’s slightly less than alive body. If they surrender, Thorne will let Davos go home. He’ll even give him a doggie bag filled with lambchop as a parting gift. Davos is tempted by the doggie bag offer, but isn’t nearly dumb enough to think Thorne is actually going to let him leave this party alive.


Nobody gets between Davos and his Lambchop

Davos then decides to ask Melisandre for help, because anybody who can pull an evil shadow baby out of her nether regions must be good for something other than burning beetles, and constantly finding excuses to be naked on screen.

In which Sansa Finally Catches a Break

fealty to sansa

Back at Winterfell, Ramsey has a case of the sads, because his psycho lady friend, Myranda (lots of ladies with M names on this show) is dead. He’s also sad, because he lost Sansa and Theon, and now has nobody left at home to rape and torture, except for himself. And self-mutilation isn’t nearly as fun as mutilation of others! Ramsey’s father, Roose, gently reminds him that, without Sansa and Theon, Ramsey has no legitimate claim to the land on which they are currently living, which, honestly, has never stopped Ramsey or anyone else on this show before, so why start following the rules now?

Meanwhile, Sansa and Theon are having a little snow romp, while trying to avoid Ramsey’s men, who are currently in hot pursuit of them. They cross frozen rivers, scramble through trees, and hide in bushes, seeking comfort and some brief respite (platonic, of course) in one another’s arms, just seconds before they are discovered. Theon tries to sacrifice himself on Sansa’s behalf, but it isn’t long before Ramsey’s men find Sansa too.


Fortunately, Brienne and Podrick arrive to rescue Sansa and The Artist Formerly Known as Theon-Reek-Theon Again. Brienne pretty much wipes the floor with Ramsey’s red shirt army, which isn’t surprising. But Podrick and Theon each manage to get a couple of kills in too, which is a joy to watch.

better pod

Our little Pod is all grown up!

Once all the bad guys are dead, Brienne once again swears her fealty to Sansa and offers to be her knight. This time, Sansa accepts. It’s a touching and happy moment for all around . . . at least as happy as a moment can be, when its surrounded by dead bodies, in the freezing cold, and the whole rest of the world wants all of these folks dead . . .


happy brienne

F*ck Everyone Who Isn’t Us!

fuck them

Meanwhile, over in Kings Landing, Cersei is thrilled to hear that a boat from Dorne has arrived on her shores. Her hair has grown back into a pixie cut, since the whole Slut Shaming Incident of Season 5, and the look actually kind of works for her.

excited cer

Cersei expects to be reunited with her daughter, and is understandably devastated, when her brother / lover / father of Myrcella / former incest buddy Jamie, tells her that his daughter / niece met her untimely demise at the hands of Ellaria Sand. Cersei than waxes poetic about what her beautiful teen daughter’s body will look like as she decays, which would be surprising and disturbing commentary coming from anybody but the woman who porked her brother, right on top of her young son’s bloated and gross dead body.

dead joff

Cersei is particularly distraught over Myrcella’s death, because the latter was genuinely a nice person, not a little sh*t like Joffrey, or, lets be honest, most of the members of Cersei’s family, herself included.

nothing like me she was good

Fortunately, Jamie is on hand to act as Cersei’s favorite cheerleader.

“Fuck prophecy, fuck fate, fuck everyone who isn’t us!” He exclaims triumphantly!

Best Team Lannister cheer ever, Jamie! How long, you think, before they start printing those lines on a t-shirt?

Dammit, how come you always get to be the one to impale pretty boys in the face!


Ellaria and the Sand Snakes continue to be kind of The Worst on this show. But they get a wee bit of a pass from me, because they are attempting to avenge the death of Oberyn. And Oberyn was pretty much the best!

hot ob

Just as Prince Doran of Dorne gets news that Ellaria has poisoned Myrcella, Ellaria proceeds to easily and gorily murder him and his men, while her Sand Snakes take care of lover boy Trystane, using the oldest trick in the Gory Surprise Impalement book.

dead as a dorn

“Which of us do you want to kill you?” One of the Sand Snakes asks. (I still haven’t taken the time to learn their names or their only vaguely distinguishable personalities.)

Trystane chooses the one who is looking directly at him, dumbly turning his back on the other one,thus giving her ample opportunity to impale him in his pretty boy face. It’s a rather inventive, well-executed kill, if a bit too easily earned. Mind you, it’s not quite as cool as the Oberon Face Smash, but I’d easily put it in the top twenty of GOT murders.

ready to kill


The other Sand Snake who didn’t get to murder Trystane whines to her sister about it, calling her a greedy b*tch, dialogue that harkens back more to the 2004 film Mean Girls than the middle ages period during which GOT supposedly takes place.

can't sit with us

But we will let that slide, just this once, because we liked the whole Hook in the Face thing.

Margaery is still in religious nutbar jail . . . but her hair looks fabulous


Do you think Margaery and Jon Snow go to the same Westeros Salon? When we last left Margaery, she was in religious nutbar jail with the Septa lady, who keeps telling her to “Confess, confess” and not much else, because, apparently, “Confess is the New Hodor.”

As we begin Season 6, Margaery’s situation hasn’t improved, but her hair has this nice wind-swept wave thing going on about it that is actually kind of stylish.

I wish the same could be said for her brother, Loras’ hair, as he is also, presumably, still incarcerated, though we don’t get to see him this week. That fro? Under the humid murky conditions of a Religious Nutbar Jail Cell? Forget about Surprise Face Impalings! THAT would be the most horrific aspect of this week’s episode, had the writers decided to include it, mark my words!

loras hair

Blind Arya is Still Blind

blind arya

When we last left Arya Stark, she was busy being punished in Burger-less White Castle by Jagen H’ghar for murdering someone on HER List of People to Kill, instead of HIS List of People to Kill. Jagen felt like Arya’s inability to restrain herself from killing people on her list made her less of the Nobody she should supposedly aspire to be. So, Jagen did what any irate boss would do in that situation, he made Arya blind, and then had his ginger minion go into town to beat her up on a daily basis.

beat the blind

I sure hope Burgerless-White Castle has a good healthcare and pension plan, because, otherwise, it seems like a pretty crap job to me.

Where in the World is Dany Targaryen?

find earring


When we last left Mereen, the Sons of the Harpy had just tried to murder Dany and all her friends, so Dany flew away on Drogon the Dragon, only to be discovered later and captured by a Dothraki Horde. As for Dany’s “friends,” Jorah, Daario, Varys and Tyrion, well,they were pretty much left in Mereen to die, despite the fact that they all could have comfortably fit on Dany’s dragon with her. How rude!

how rude

Now, Tyrion and Varys are snarkily flirting with one another, as they observe the wreckage that is Mereen. Then, they learn that someone set fire to all the ships there, which means means they won’t be leaving anytime soon. (Insert sad violins here).

burnt boat

Meanwhile, madcap buddy cop duo, Jorah and Daario, comb the countryside for their mutual ladylove, Dany, who abandoned both of their asses, without so much as a backward glance. Did I mention that Jorah has contacted greyscale, which is basically a GOT version of zombie disease (not the White Walker type zombie, more like The Walking Dead type zombie, there’s a difference)? This means there is a good chance that Jorah will eventually EAT sexy Daario, before the pair are reunited with their shared ladylove?

Now, that would be sexy . . .


I could eat that, and I’m not even a zombie. . .

Anywhoo, Daario and Jorah catch a break, when they conveniently find one of Dany’s earrings, just as they hear the sounds of an approaching Dothraki horde and conclude that Dany is with them.

You could say that Daario and Jorah are pretty lucky during this episode . . . like . . . go out and buy a few Mega Millions lottery tickets lucky . . . well, except for the whole “Having Zombie Disease” / “In Grave Danger of Being Eaten by Someone with Zombie Disease” thing . . .

In which everyone takes turns sexually harassing the Mother of Dragons

blue eyed women

Speaking of Dany, she patiently bides her time, while the men folk of the Dothraki hoard proceed to shamelessly sexually harass her with all the skill and finesse of modern day construction workers. (They even go as far as to slap her with a “wonder if the carpets match the drapes” line, thus proving that men never change, or get more creative, when it comes to hitting on women . . . ever). Dany, who, as we well know, speaks fluent Dothraki, having been a leader of the Dothraki, not so long ago, endures all of this stoically, and is forced to endure even more, when the lady folk of the tribe start aggressively slut shaming her out of jealousy, just because she has the audacity to have blue eyes and be hot at the same time.


“I eat dum-dums like you for breakfast . . . literally.”

New-Khal Drogo insists that he will get the privilege of “lying” with Dany that night, which, I guess, is supposed to be a euphemism for sex, but speaks very poorly of New-Khal Drogo’s prowess in the bedroom. It is at this point in the conversation that Dany whips out her many titles (Mother of Dragons, Breaker of Chains, Queen of Mereen blah, blah, blah) in hopes that one of them will get her out of having sub-par sex with New-Khal Drogo. But New-Khal Drogo is unimpressed. “You are Queen of Nothing,” he says smartly, which is kind of the “I know you are, but what am I” retort of the Dothraki world.

shes cool

So, Dany is forced to name drop, revealing herself as the widow of THE Khal Drogo. “Oh . . . crap . . . well I can’t pork you now,” says New-Khal Drogo. “That’s the good news, because I’m crap in the sack. The bad news is now you have to spend all eternity with the bitchy widows of dead Khals, who can never get laid again ever, because sexism.”

Ouch, can we go back to being sexually harassed in Dothraki now? I think that was the better option, don’t you?

Why you should always wear your best jewelry to bed . . .


Back at Castle Black, Melissandre is getting naked for the camera again, because it has been prophesized that a GOT episode in which Melissandre is featured, but always remains fully clothed for the entire hour, will bring about the Apocalypse. (She does it for you, Earthlings! Be grateful!) But there is something different about her. She seems more vulnerable somehow, tired, sad, a little saggy even?

Then, Melissandre removes her red necklace and this happens . . .

oh no lady

surprised monkey

scared baby gif

I smell a spinoff! (I’m also never taking off my jewelry again . . . EVER!) Until next time, GOT fans!

Cross posted at Happy Nice Time People.

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ONCE UPON A TIME: All in the Family (S 5: Ep 19 Recap)

throwing bolts

This week’s installment of Once is all about The FAM: sisters, daughters, mothers, fathers, sons, evil twin brothers we accidentally turn into sperm. There’s enough complicated familial exchanges in this hour to fill up an entire year of therapy sessions. And you thought YOUR PARENTS SCREWED YOU UP FOR LIFE?

Let’s review, shall we?

Sister from Another Mister

baby regina

Once upon a time, Princess Regina was super bored in the castle, because no one would play with her but a kind of ugly doll. And ugly dolls tend to be super poor conversationalists. Such is the lot of being an only child, Little Regina. It’s why my parents got me a cat . . .


Of course, Regina is not really an only child. Unbeknownst to her, she’s been separated at birth from her ginger sis, Zelena, who not only has no one to play with her (not even ineloquent ugly dolls), she’s also POOR! (Oh the humanity.)


One day, Regina finds her Mom, Cora’s magic wand and tries to put a spell on her ugly doll to turn the doll into an ugly sister for her to play with, which could be the start of a really gnarly horror movie.

But instead, Regina just passes out from her own magic, which seems a bit anticlimactic, if you ask me.

Suddenly, Cora is super concerned that Regina is going to die from her wand wielding, which seems a little plot convenient, especially since the “magic” Regina attempted was nothing more than a little Bibbity Bobbity Boo . . . the kind of spell Harry Potter could have conjured after about two days at Hogwarts. Nonetheless, Cora is “forced” to retrieve Little Zelena from her spot in Poor Town, so that she can magic her long lost sister back to health.

Little Zelena does this easily, also due to plot convenience, and Regina and Zelena quickly become the kind of friends that little girls of the same age always become, when they both have no other better playmate options . . . like cats for example.

cat friend

Then, Little Zelena opens Cora’s (wand) box with her magic fingers, which sounds kind of kinky and dirty, but is also a matter of, you guessed it, plot convenience. Regina pieces together that unless Zelena was totally evil (which, by the way, she is, just not yet), she wouldn’t be able to open Cora’s box unless she and Cora were somehow related!

Regina’s wish for a sister came true! She and Zelena excitedly run to tell Cora, who responds by, having Zelena taken away by guards and forcing both Regina and Zelena to drink potions that make them forget one another ever existed. Why, you ask? Because Cora believes that having siblings is for pussies, and that being lonely and talking only to ugly dolls all her life will make Regina a better person.

Cora is on Team Only Child, just like me. Hooray!

Just kidding, Cora sucks. But then again, we always knew that . . .

Bad Twin

the beat down

Speaking of sucks, back in Present Day Road to Hell, Evil Twin Prince James beats the crap out of Prince Charming in the middle of the street, while posing as sheriff (#PoliceBrutality) and then throws him in the pokey, for the clichéd reason every Evil Twin on Every Soap Opera Ever uses to beat the crap out of a sibling who shares their face. He wants Charming’s life!

The only problem is that, unlike Soap Opera Evil Twins, Prince James is a crap actor, one who can’t impersonate his brother for sh*t. To be fair, James easily fools Emma into believing he’s her dear old dad. This, despite the fact that Emma supposedly “has a super power that always lets her know when people are lying.” Fortunately, Emma left her Super Power back on Earth, along with her clean underwear and bras (Seriously, how are they managing so many wardrobe changes? Is the Road to Hell paved with mini malls and Victoria Secrets . . . probably.)

But then, James has to screw things up by pulling a gun on Charming’s friends, hand cuffing Emma. (Dammit James. You were so close to being a believable Charming . . . so close!)

Cruella arrives on the scene to help her beau suck less at pulling off the oldest television trope of all time, but quickly bores of the task, and ends up just doing what she always does, sassing the cast with clever one liners. She does manage to punch Emma in the face though. And seeing as Emma did murder Road to Hell’s resident Dog Whisperer, I’d say that move was pretty par for the course.

macking couple

macking couple reaction shot

Eventually, Charming breaks out of jail and enters into battle with James. The battle ends with Charming throwing James into the sperm water for the series’ weekly Sperm Donation portion of the season.

watching him die

“Look on the bright side, Dad. At least we will no longer have to suffer from the nauseating indignity of having to watch someone with your face making out with Cruella!”

At least, I think it was Charming who turned James into sperm. Wouldn’t it be positively hilarious if it was the other way around?

As long as James refrains from holding a gun to the rest of the cast members heads this time, they probably wouldn’t know the difference . . .

A Match Made in Hell

Elsewhere, Hades tries to woo Zelena by bringing her to the Road to Hell equivalent of that place you drove to with your high school boyfriend to make out in the back seat of his mom’s old car. You know Hades is doing his best to put the moves on Zelena at makeout point, because he’s doing that thing where he talks really slow, and puts about five-second pauses between every single word he utters.

hades head

“It’s . . . because . . . the . . . bad . . . Blue . . . Fire . . . CGI . . . Haircut . . . burned . . . off . . . the . . . part . . . of . . . my . . . brain . . . associated . . . with . . . talking . . . in . . . normal . . . speed.”

Zelena is falling for it, Hook Line and Sinker. She seems particularly ready to let those wicked green Road to Hell Victoria Secret’s panties drop, when Hades tells her that all she has to do is make out with him, and they can live Happily Ever After in Storybrooke, while the whole rest of the cast rots in Hell. Smooth pick up line, Hades. Boys, please feel free to try that one on for size, next time you are trying to get laid.

deserve real thing



It does beg the question though, what kind of show would Season Six of Once Upon a Time be if the only two characters in it were Hades and Zelena? Here’s a guess . . .

Mother Knows Best

i been watching you

Regina waits up for Zelena, after her date, to try to talk her out of giving up her virginity to the Dark Lord of the Underworld on the first date, because he won’t buy the cow, if he can get the milk for free. Just kidding! Regina’s doing it, because she doesn’t want to be stuck for all eternity in the Road to Hell, while her sister and her boyfriend reenact the 70’s sitcom All in the Family upstairs, only without Meathead and Sally Struthers to keep the comedy from getting too dark and racist.

shoot in head

Zelena isn’t too keen on taking relationship advice from Regina for obvious reasons. So Regina does what any self-respecting little sis who is getting no respect from her sibling would do, she rats her out to Mommy!

Unfortunately, Mommy is a bit tied up at the moment, carrying out Hades punishment of her, which basically involves carrying around pillows in a wheel barrow all day and pretending they are heavy. Fortunately, there’s a Hook for that . . .

hook my fairy better


And by that I mean, Captain Hook to the rescue!

Mama Cora’s first suggestion as to how to keep Zelena from giving it up to Hades is to make her drink a potion that causes her to forget his existence. If this works, it will turn the second half of Once into that movie with Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore, where he keeps having to reinvent their relationship every single day, because she keeps conveniently forgetting he exists every time she falls asleep, which, by the way, is what most of us try to do when it comes to some of Adam Sandler’s movies . . .

jack and kill

Zelena won’t take the bait though. So Cora is forced to take more drastic measures. She allows her daughters to remember their past together, the one she stole from them all those years ago. And then they all proceed to hug it out.

all three

This one act of kindness after an eternity of being the Worst Person Ever on Cora’s part earns her a spot in Heaven, which kind of makes Heaven seem like the public rest rooms in Port Authority Bus Terminal in NYC. They’ll let ANYBODY IN!

cora 2

cora 1

After Cora goes to Heaven, Regina has a change of heart and decides to tell Zelena to accept Hades proposal, because life is too short to miss out on True Love . . . also because, apparently no matter how much awful crap you do in your life, if you can manage to be nice for a few seconds, you’ll get into Heaven anyway . . .

hold hands and watch

You Got Panned!

Zelena rushes off to endure some more Really Slowly Spoken Romantic monologues by Hades, when she is captured by Rumpelstiltskin and . . . wait for it . . . his awful dad forever stuck in the body of a twelve-year old boy, Peter Pan.

wicked but

wicked but worse

Oh oh! It looks like “True Love” is going to have to wait another week to blossom inside the Lord of the Underworld’s heart . . . and pants.

ouat 4.1 blue balls

Until then, My Dearies!

Cross-posted at Happy Nice Time People.

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Once Upon a Time: While You Were Sleeping (S2: Ep 18 Recap)

helping her

This week on Once, we find love in a hopeless place. All the pregnant actresses on the show make their convenient departures. And another donation is made to the River of Sperm. (This one even comes in a jar!)

Let’s review, shall we?

Animal Magnetism


Mulan and Red are dashing through Oz, searching in vain for Red’s wolf pack. This is because Mulan has been relegated to Perpetual Sidekick Status, and seems pretty much destined never to have her own storyline. While in the woods, they come across Dorothy and Toto, the latter of whom barks at Red. This makes Dorothy think that Red is witch. But actually Toto is barking because Red is part wolf . . . also because Toto has the best gaydar ever. (The pets of secretly gay fairytale characters always do.)

It’s a Meet Cute of the highest order, and poor Mulan just has to kind of stand on the sidelines, and watch it, because such is her lot in life. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride, that Mulan! Mulan is gay too, but Toto doesn’t notice, possibly because all the armor she’s wearing blocks his gaydar.

the poppy

“What am I? Chopped liver?”

Then, Zelena appears to steal Dorothy’s slippers (they don’t match Dorothy’s outfit anyway), and ends up taking Toto instead. Dammit! Now, how is Dorothy supposed to find her next girlfriend?

“I need to get back Toto, because she’s my only friend with a brain. She was a gift to me from my now-dead Auntie Em. Auntie Em was the only one who didn’t try to have me committed to a psych ward, when I told her flying monkeys were real, and a bad CGI brainless scarecrow was my new bestie,” Dorothy explains. “Also, without Toto showing me which girls are gay, I’ll probably never get laid again. And I really, really need to get laid.”

love struck

“Well, if you really want to get laid, you might want to try wearing more flattering shoes,” Mulan adds helpfully (of course, nobody listens to her, because she’s not important to this story).

“Your family rejected you, because they think you are bat-sh*t crazy, even though you are not?” Red asks excitedly. “My family rejected me because they thought I ate my boyfriend!”

“Did you . . . eat your boyfriend, I mean?” Dorothy asks.

“Yeah, obviously! I was hungry,” Red responds.

“So . . . that’s not really the same thing as what happened to me,” Dorothy mused.

“I guess not. But we are still totally made for each other!” Red exclaims.

“Are we really though . . .?” Dorothy wonders dubiously.

“Just go with it. There’s only 30 minutes left in the episode, and we’re only in half of it. So, we need to fall in love super quickly, so we can prove that Once is an LGBT friendly show,” Red insists.

“I have a great idea about how to prove that Once is an LGBT friendly show,” offers Mulan. “See, my character has always been gay . . . and . . .”

“Shut up, no one asked you!” Dorothy and Red shout in unison.

Dorothy and Red decide to make a really complicated sleeping curse to knock out Zelena, instead of just finding some water to dump on her, like Dorothy did the last time. While they are out in the poppy fields collecting ingredients, the two girls encounter some flying monkeys. Because they can’t possibly outrun things with wings on two legs, Red gets all naked and wolfy, so that Dorothy can ride her barebacked to safety.

I hope you like a heaping helping of bestiality with your romance, Oncers!

cute wolf

(FYI Mulan is being plagued by flying monkeys too, but has to fend for herself, because nobody loves her enough to let her ride them naked through the forest . . . *insert sad violin sounds here*)

After their wild and sexy ride, Dorothy hightails it out of there, without saying goodbye or staying for breakfast, which is actually a pretty accurate metaphor for my college dating experience.

“You know, all this time, I thought I was out here in the forest, because I wanted to find my family, when what I really wanted was a hot piece of ass like Dorothy to ride me naked all night long,” Red explains conversationally to Mulan.

“You know, what you are saying kind of hurts my feelings,” responds Mulan. “It also makes me feel like I’ve been wasting my life, ever since I got on this show. I mean, I’m a hero, I led an entire army of dudes to victory, AND befriended a dragon who talks like Eddie Murphy. I’m better than this.”

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening,” Red replies. “Anywhoo, I’m going to go find that cute girl I met ten minutes ago, and got naked with five minutes ago, and tell her that she’s the love of my life. See ya!”

Like Water Under the Sperm Bridge


Back in the Gateway to Hell, Red rides in on a tornado (the story book version of a Uber) in search of Zelena, because the latter apparently did something crappy to Dorothy. As it turns out, the crappy thing Zelena did was put Dorothy under the sleeping curse, which is exactly what Dorothy was planning to do to her, so that seems pretty fair, actually. The problem, of course, is that no one alive LOVES Dorothy enough to wake her up with True Love’s Kiss, which means she’ll basically be sleeping for all eternity.

Or will she?

Apparently, Auntie Em is on the Gateway to Hell and SHE loves Dorothy, so the gang decide to have her spit in a vial, so that they can travel back to Oz using Dorothy’s slippers (helpfully donated by Zelena herself?), pour a little Auntie Em spit on Dorothy’s face (ew?) and wake her up from the curse.

Unfortunately, before Auntie Em can work up a really juicy loogie to hack into the vial, Hades turns her into water, but not clean water, mind you, gross spermy water that he scoops into a jar, before dumping into the River of Sperm, which, in my opinion is a waste of perfectly good sperm!

turn to water

Hades apparently did this as a gift to his erstwhile girlfriend Zelena, who hates Dorothy. And this means we can add “Spermy Auntie Em in a Jar” to “Dead Flower” on “Hades’ List of Gifts for My Wicked Boo.”

Admittedly, neither of these are great gifts. But Zelena is thrilled with them both. This is probably because her last boyfriend in Oz was a flying monkey, and the only gifts she got from him were an STD and a bad case of head lice.

eye roll zel

Hook has Bad Really Bad Handwriting, and Other Stuff I Learned from the Second Half of this Episode

they stand

“You are so totally gay for Dorothy. You should absolute ride her Ugly Slippers to Oz, so you can make out with her while she’s in a coma,” Snow insists to her friend. “It worked for my husband and me. And I hear gay marriage is legal in Oz now, so White Wedding, or should I say, Red Wedding . . . hmmm, maybe this isn’t the best place for a Game of Thrones reference.”

red wedding 1

“That’s a great idea, Snow! You are the best,” insists Red.

“By the way, what happened to what’s her face? That girl with you in Oz. Her name started with an M. It’s right at the tip of my tongue . . . um . . . um . . .” Snow began, fumbling for Mulan’s name.

“I left her there to come here,” Red explains casually. “Hopefully, Zelena didn’t put her under a sleeping curse too, because who the heck on this show cares about her enough to wake her up?”

“I know, right?” Snow giggles conspiratorially.

(As it turns out, Mulan took the same tornado to the Underworld that Red did, but got so tired of everyone ignoring her, she rode it back to Oz, without anybody knowing.)

In other news, Snow and Charming have finally decided to be parents to their baby back home, but only because the Phone Booth they used to haunt him, and scar him for life, has been summarily disconnected. Snow tells David he should go because Snow’s name is on a tombstone on the Gateway to Hell, which means she’s sort of stuck in the Underworld for all Eternity, or at least until this show gets canceled, whichever comes sooner.

chisel chin

chisel chin 2

chisel chin 3

“But it’s gotta be you who goes,” explains Charming. “The actress who plays you is super pregnant, and it won’t be too long, before your belly is too big to hide behind boxes and randomly placed household appliances. Hook, cross Snow’s name off on the tombstone and put mine.”

cant erase

cant erase 2

“Why should I put your name? Maybe I should put someone else’s name entirely and you both could go together?” Hook offers.

“Because my real life wife just announced she’s going on maternity leave, and one of us still has to work to earn money for diapers, dammit!” Charming exclaims in frustration.

“Fine, have it your way,” Hook demurs.

Since Hook is practically illiterate, he writes Charming’s name on the tombstone in handwriting that vaguely resembles those cards you get in Hallmark that are supposed to look like they are made by three-year olds.

david nolan

lovely drawing

Snow and Red then hightail it back to Oz, so Red could make out with comatose Dorothy. The spit swapped by these two immediately evaporates into the air and creates a rainbow. And when your saliva makes rainbows, you know you’ve found true love for life!

they made out 2 they made out

Meanwhile, back in the Underworld, Belle voluntarily puts herself under a sleeping curse, so that she won’t give birth immediately, thereby at least temporarily preventing Hades from taking her child . . . also because the actress who plays her is pregnant too! (Must be something in all that spermy water they drink in the Underworld.)

I don’t know about you, but drinking a sleeping curse in the early months of pregnancy would make me really worried about fetal alcohol syndrome . . . either that or a really bad case of baby narcolepsy.

Making bad parenting choices already, Belle . . . and your tot hasn’t even been born yet. You’ll fit right in with the rest of this cast!

Until next time, My Dearies.

Cross-posted at Happy Nice Time




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Once Upon a Time: No One Dies Like Gaston . . . (S5:Ep17 RECAP)

grow stuff

“Whenever I touch flowers they instantly die, which is pretty much a perfect metaphor for my sex life.”

Love is in the air in the Underworld, Oncers. Flowers are blooming! Lost loves are being reunited. Ladies are getting naked!

ouat 4.2 hook squee

But lest ye be fooled, all is not rosey in the Gateway to Hell, where one of our heroes is forced to commit murder (sort of?) in the NAME OF LOVE!

Let’s review, shall we?

Belle: Best Friend to Baby Ogres!

belle and gass

“If we are going to do the whole dating thing, I’m going to need to give you a nickname. How about I call you, Gas?”

Once upon a time, Belle’s dad pimps her out to the hunter Gaston, in hopes that the two of them could get married, and Gaston’s army could save Belle’s kingdom from ogres. Belle is none too pleased about the whole “being pimped out thing,” but agrees to go on a date with Gaston, anyway. That date consists of the two of them basically just wandering around the forest, which, pretty much, makes Belle the cheapest date ever.

During the date, Gaston hears a noise he attributes to a creature he can hunt and kill. This causes him to get a massive boner, and leave Belle all alone in the middle of the forest, so that he can go and get his animal murder rocks off. In case you are wondering, this is pretty much the modern day equivalent of your boyfriend leaving you downstairs in a house, while it is being robbed, so that he can go up to his bedroom and play the old school video game, Duck Hunt.

laugh at pain

Even though Gaston is supposed to be like The Best Hunter Ever, he runs in the complete opposite direction of the creature, a baby ogre that Belle locates herself. Gaston is all, “Let’s bring the baby ogre back to the kingdom, so our people can torture it into giving us intel about its big ogre family members. (In case you were wondering, Baby Ogres in Once Land vaguely resemble that Smeagol character from Lord of the Rings. This is not at all important to the story. It’s just something that I found interesting.)

no precious

Belle doesn’t believe in the torture of babies, even babies that look like Smeagol, so she entreats Gaston to bring the Ogre to a safe place, while they try to find something magic to ascertain its true intentions. While they are searching, Belle gives Gaston a copy of her favorite book, My Handsome Hero. In response, Gaston pretends he actually knows how to read, and accepts the gift, because he thinks it will help him get into Belle’s pants.

belle and gas

Belle then heads off to find this mirror with the power to determine whether or not the person looking into it is an asshole. When she returns home, Gaston claims the baby ogre attacked him, and escaped. This story instantly seems fishy, because, Gaston is (supposedly) big and strong, and eats five dozen eggs a day, which means he has the highest cholesterol levels on the planet, while Baby Ogre has all the muscle tone of Smeagol from Lord of the Rings.

Anywhoo, Gaston uses Baby Ogre’s escape as an excuse to set off the lynch mob on its ass.

At the potential lynching, Belle focuses the mirror on Gaston, and figures out that he’s an asshole, something most of us figured out the minute he left her alone in the woods to die, while he went off to suck badly at hunting something. Belle then throws herself in front of the Baby Ogre to save its life, so that it can go on to star in the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. A book nerd, through and through, that Belle!

And yet, despite all this, Belle still agrees to marry Asshole Gaston, because he’s better looking than the Ogre she will have to marry if the Ogres take over the kingdom, which is what they will do, if Gaston’s army can’t stop them.

ouat 4.1 belle

Day Dream Believer

While snoozing on a rooftop, Emma has a disturbing dream that involves her taking her name off a tombstone using magic (A bottle of white out probably would have been easier), getting interrupted by a tornado, and then watching as some unseen beast murders her mom, Snow White.

Upon waking, Emma immediately tries to recreate everything that happened in her dream, except for the mommy dies part, and then acts surprised when her mother’s life is placed in mortal danger. (If I recall, that’s the actual definition of stupidity, right? Doing the same thing multiple times and expecting different results.)

no issues

Here’s a philosophical question that will make your brain hurt. If Emma’s dream showed her the future, and she used that information in the dream to figure out how to cast the spell to remove the names from the tombstones, who showed the Emma from the dream how to cast the spell?

awkward moment 2

In the end, the threat to Snow’s life turned out not to be a threat at all, it was merely Little Red Riding Hood in wolf form? But that, of course, begs a few questions: How did Red die? What’s her unfinished business? Why is she so important to the story that Emma is having dreams about her, when she hasn’t played an integral role in a Once storyline since Season 1? And most importantly, wouldn’t a woman who spends half her life as a wolf have more body hair?

the wolf

That must be one heck of a waxing job!

Exes and Oh Nos!

Speaking of people who keep doing the same thing and expecting different results, Belle once again pleads with her Dark One husband to not do Evil Crap to protect their unborn baby from Hades. Oh, don’t get Belle wrong, he should definitely do whatever it takes to protect their unborn baby, but only if “whatever it takes” could not be considered “Evil Crap” under any circumstances Rumpel thinks Belle is being a wee bit hypocritical about the whole “evil crap” thing. He surmises that when it comes down to Death of Baby and Evil Crap, Belle would choose Evil Crap every day and twice on Sunday.


I sense a life lesson coming about “ends justifying means” folks . . .

Elsewhere in the Underworld, Hades is super bummed to find flowers growing in his hopeless town of death, destruction, and ridiculously bad CGI hair. This growth symbolizes hope among the residents of the Underworld, and Hades hates hope, as much as most people hate getting root canals.

go away im sad

So Hades pays a visit to Gaston, who now works at an animal shelter cleaning up dog poop, which is a fitting punishment for an animal killer, but an unfair punishment for the dogs . . . He offers Hades special arrows he can use to murder Rumpel and get his revenge on him for the whole “Dude turned me into a FRIGGIN ROSE” thing.

Gaston tries to shoot Rumpel with the arrow and fails, because let’s face it, in addition to being illiterate, and an asshole with high cholesterol, who now consistently smells like dog poop, he’s also a lousy shot. “Why did my ex boyfriend just try to kill you?” Belle wonders out loud, even though the answer should be kind of obvious by now, seeing as how Rumpel has been at least indirectly responsible for the deaths of most, if not all, of the characters on this show.

“I kind of turned him into a flower,” Rumpel mutters under his breath.

“Is that a euphemism for gay sex? Because, if it is, I’d be totally cool with that.” Belle wonders briefly, before putting two and two together.

killed gaston

Upon snooping through Gaston’s stuff, Belle finds her My Handsome Hero book and thinks that Gaston’s unfinished business that landed her in the Underworld was that he luuuuuuuuuuuved her so much. (Not that it could possibly have something to do with the fact that being turned into a rose is the absolute least manly way to die, apart from wearing a tutu and falling off a stage while belting out the lyrics to Britney Spears “Hit Me Baby One More Time.”)

Upon confronting Gaston about this, Gaston admits to Belle that he actually hates her guts for trying to make him into a better person, which basically resulted in him going to Beast’s house to “work things out,” getting turned into a rose and dying. Belle’s book is merely there to mock him for sucking at women, and sucking harder at life.

Hmmm . . . Evil Crap is starting to look like a much more attractive option to Belle, now that it seems certain that Gaston will try (and fail miserably) to kill the father of her child. Fortunately, Hades has a deal for Belle: Let Gaston and Rumpel duke it out, and let the man who sucks the least win, which is obviously Rumpel, because, even though Gaston is pretty, he’s kind of a loser. If Belle does this, Hades promises to not take her baby away.

always known

Belle initially appears to be sold on this idea, even going as far as to support her husband, as he prepares for battle. However, when it actually appears that Rumpel is going to kill Gaston, Belle compels him not to do so, using the Dark One Sword.

Seconds later, however, Gaston again tries to murder Rumpel. Acting fast, Belle rushes to her husband’s aid, just as she did earlier for the baby ogre, only this time, her act of heroism winds up also being an act of spermy-ism, as she inadvertently pushes Gaston into the “become a giant sperm” river, killing him . . . again.

spermy things

“That bad news is you are now a murderer just like me,” muses Rumpel. “The good news is that guy was useless, anyway. Also now that he’s dead, our baby is safe. Hooray!”

“Not so fast, Rumpel” explains Hades. “The deal was for YOU to kill Gaston, as you let your girlfriend do your dirty work, so I still get to keep your kid!”

scared baby gif

“I’m hoping the Bad CGI Hair is a recessive genetic trait.”

“Dammit! Foiled again, by the guy with stupid hair,” mutter Belle and Rumpel simultaneously.

“Oh, hey look. That Flower Symbolizing Hope died! I’m going to give it to my girlfriend Zelena, in hopes that she’ll love it so much, she’ll let me de-flower her. Get it? A dead flower, in exchange for a de-flowering? That’s funny, right?” Hades asks hopefully.

our decay

Rumpel and Belle only glare at him in response.

“Wow. Tough room,” responds Hades.

Zelena, however, adores her dead foliage gift, but only because all the boyfriends she had before Hades were Flying Monkeys and their idea of showering their lover with gifts was flinging poop in their faces . . .

eye roll zel

Like I said, my dearies, love is in the air! Until next time, folks.

Cross posted at Happy Nice Time People.Com

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ONCE UPON A TIME: The One That Got Away (S5: Ep 16 Recap)


Who knew the Lord of the Underworld was just another dumb schmuck looking for love in all the wrong places?

Also this week on Once, the characters finally simultaneously remember all the plot-inconvenient babies they left languishing at home for half a season.

ouat 4.2 snow baby

Henry becomes a “tortured artist,” because that’s not a cliché or anything. And Ghosting . . . it’s not just the thing you do to significant others who you are too cowardly to dump in person, anymore.

Let’s review, shall we?

Because, Apparently, the Only Brain in Oz Belongs To The Guy Made of Straw

the scarecrow

scared baby gif

Scariest scarecrow EVER!

In Oz’ past, Zelena needs a brain for her time travel spell. So, she has her flying monkeys kidnap the (quite honestly, super creepy looking) Bad CGI Scarecrow, in an attempt to take his. I don’t know about you guys, but if I was looking for a single brain that embodied “wisdom” I wouldn’t choose the one owned by the guy whose sole function in life is to stand around looking vaguely intimidating to birds. Then again, maybe the IQs in Oz as a whole, simply aren’t that high. I mean, think about it, these are folks who can’t comprehend directions that are any more complicated than “follow the yellow brick road.”

Anywhoo, a bizarrely bad-ass looking Dorothy returns to Oz with Toto in tow to rescue her creepy CGI friend and his brain, which is shared by all of the citizens of Oz! (Talk about precious cargo!)

dorothy and witch

Of course, Toto does all the rescuing, because everyone knows that dogs are way smarter than brainless Oz residents!


This brick road was white, before I got here and did my thing on it!

Zelena is super pissed about her lost brain (mainly because now she can’t remember all the ingredients for her time travel spell, or the color of the road she must follow to collect them). Then, Hades comes by, and informs her that he wants a time travel spell too, and would be happy to help Zelena make hers.

hell are you

who the hell

As it turns out, Hades and Zelena have a whole bunch in common. They both have older siblings who, at least as far as they are concerned, got better lives than they did, and it’s turned them both into tremendous assholes. They both want to use the time travel spell to change the past so that they get “the good stuff” instead of their siblings, in the hopes that this will make them slightly less assholey.

In order to track down Dorothy and the Scarecrow, Hades and Zelena go for a ride on her bike together, and it makes them both SUPER HORNY.

almost making out

I totally get this from Zelena’s perspective. I mean, when the only boys in your neighborhood are smelly flying monkeys, flamboyantly dressed, probably mostly gay, munchkins, an extra large tin can, and a lion with zilch sex appeal, you are going to be pretty lonely. As for Hades, I’m not quite seeing the appeal. I mean, by definition the Underworld is filled with LITERALLY Hot People.

And Zelena? The woman who has no brain, and who can’t shower ever, because doing so would literally be the death of her? Let’s just say that’s not a profile that’s getting many hits.

ouat season 3 original wicked witch

“I’m excellent at sweeping floors though!”

Hades lets it slip that True Loves’ Kiss can bring him back his heart and make him, like, human or something. This way, he can leave the Underworld forever and become just another dude. He insists this is something in which he has interest. But, if I were him, I’d stick to the Devil I know. After all, down there, Hades is Lord of the Underworld and has magic. Up on Earth, he has no marketable skills and would probably end up being Lord of McDonalds’ or something . . .

go away im sad

Hades and Zelena almost suck face, but end up putting it on pause, so that Zelena can easily freeze Dorothy and take the Scarecrow’s brain from him. Crap. All dressed up and no brain to go. How’s that girl ever going to get back to Kansas?

brain taking

Back at Zelena’s house, Hades sort of/ kind of proposes to her. “Time travel / schmime travel. Let’s screw so I can share one brain with you in Oz forever!”

never want to see

regret this

But Zelena isn’t falling for that crap. She thinks Hades is playing her, so he can make the time travel spell himself, and leave her home in Oz with all the brainless morons. And so the Wicked Witch of the West runs away from the Lord of the Underworld without giving him the kiss he’s waited literally an eternity to receive. Do you think it’s possible for a tongue to get blue balls?


snow oat

authors now

Back in the underworld, Henry is pissed and super broody because no one appreciates his art, which is basically the equivalent of a C-plot / filler episode on this show. Henry’s lame story is about how his grandparents finally remember they have a fairly newborn baby at home after abandoning the kid for over a month. (Hey, that’s 27 years and 11 months sooner than it took them to remember Baby Emma, so PROGRESS!)

ouat 4.2 disney snow

“Boo! Scared you didn’t I, baby? This is apparently the way I show my motherly love.”

The blind witch lady at Granny’s diner tells the professional absentee parents that while they can’t see their baby boy, they can still “scare the sh*t out of him / haunt him / scar him for life” by calling him on Hell’s Telephone and haunting his ass. “This is an excellent idea!” Snow White exclaims. “What child wouldn’t want to hear strange disembodied voices calling out to them in the middle of the night, while they try to sleep, because that isn’t at all disturbing or frightening to a young person.”

On second thought, maybe it’s for the best that Snow and Charming are never around to actually raise their kids #badparentingchoices . . .

Henry’s story ends with Baby Neal being all happy that he got to be “ghosted” by his parents . . .but bummed that when he pooped, the “ghosts” refused to change his diaper, and he had to sit in his crap for the rest of the night . ..

Oh, Baby, Baby, how was I supposed to know?

with baby

That something wasn’t right here. Oh, baby, baby, I shouldn’t have let you gooooo . . .And now you’re out of . . .

Oops, I did it again. Lost myself in the lyrics. Back to the Babies of Storybrooke!

Last week on Once, Rumpel became Hades’ bitch, in order to prevent Hades from taking his not-yet-born baby from Belle’s womb. This week Rumpel begins his bitch work by opening up a portal in Storybrooke so even more characters can join this fabulous Underworld rager that’s been going on these past few weeks.

Back in Storybrooke, Belle’s been helping the Blue Fairy to take care of all of the main character’s abandoned children, because, let’s face it, there’s nothing much else to do in town, seeing as how she’s already read all the books with no words in them from the town’s Library for Illiterates. Upon arrival, Belle is surprised when the Blue Fairy doesn’t know which bottle to feed one of the babies. (This doesn’t surprise me at all, because the Blue Fairy is the Absolute Worst, so, of course, she’d suck at bottles too.)

two blue fairies

Then, it turns out that the Blue Fairy is actually Zelena posing as the Blue Fairy to steal back her own baby from Regina and Robin Hood, who abandoned it. A scuffle ensues, just as a Portal to Hell conveniently opens up right on the floor of the Nunnery. (Ouch! Sacrilege much?)

jump in

Belle grabs Zelena’s baby and heads straight to Hell, which may seem like a strange choice to some, but when faced with an eternity in Hell or an eternity stuck hanging out with the Blue Fairy, Hell seems like a way better deal. Zelena jumps into the portal after her child, leaving Baby Neal alone with the Blue Fairy, the former of whom is undoubtedly thinking “Hey, wait for me! Oh crap, abandoned again! And still no one has fed me or changed my diaper in a month!”

Upon arriving in Hell, Zelena worries that Hades might have brought her and her baby here to seek vengeance on her for dumping his ass all those years ago. Belle, on the other hand, figures that Rumpel was merely summoning her for an Underworld Booty call and is pleased as punch. She runs off to the library to meet up with him, because Library Sex in Hell is super sexy. Plus, since people in Hell are probably more literate than people in Storybrooke, some of the books may have real words in them.

im pregnant


At the library Rumpel shares some bad news for Belle, “I only brought you to Hell by accident,” followed by some good news, “You are preggars,” and some more bad news, “But I bargained our baby away to the Lord of the Underworld,” and still more bad news, “P.S. I’m the Dark One, and I’m always kind of going to be an awful sociopath who murders people, so I hope you likely real bad boys.”

It’s a lot of information for Belle to take in at once. Fortunately, it looks like she’s going to rot in here for the rest of eternity, so she has plenty of time to mull it all over!

Babes in the Woods

sad about baby

Because they clearly have not been paying attention to the show for the past five seasons, when Zelena reunites with the rest of the Once crew, she is easily able to manipulate them into thinking she will cooperate with them, only to screw them over and steal her baby from them.

Speaking of Zelena and Hood’s baby? Did I mention that Robin Hood never got around to naming her, because he claims that he doesn’t “know” her yet? This . . . even though the kid has a full set of teeth and looks to be over a year old. Zelena suggests the kid be named Pistachio, which would make her fit right in with all those weird-named celebrity kids, and would be way better than the “Hey You with The Dirty Diaper,” which is how she’s been referred to thus far in life.

Even though she’s weirdly enough, become, by default, the best parent in this episode, Zelena begins to question her parental duties when the use of her evil magic scars her baby. (How’s that for a metaphor?) What’s worse, since Zelena fears Hades’ wrath, she’s forced to hide out alone in a cabin in Hell, where she has to take care of her kid by herself, and she still doesn’t even known which bottle to use to feed her.

This time, when the Oncer’s find Zelena, she’s ready to give up the child so that she’ll have a better future with her dad who left her for dead to rescue someone’s boyfriend, and who still refers to her as “What’s her name?”

Speaking of Robin Hood, remember how he still has another kid? The cute one who likes ice cream, and is probably in his mid-twenties by now? What the heck happened to that guy?

ice cream for roland

Strangers in the Night

At the end of the episode, Zelena finally meets up with Hades, and, contrary to being pissed at her for dumping his ass, the guy actually designed the entire concept of the Underworld in her honor. Now, Zelena can have a crappy red-hued knockoff of the land her sister created!

“Geez! If I knew you still wanted to jump my bones and weren’t trying to kill me, I probably wouldn’t given up my kid so fast to the folks who couldn’t even be bothered to name her,” Zelena admits.

zelena sad

“So, we’ll murder them all, and get your baby back together. It will be just like old times,” Hades insists.

“Nah, thanks, but I think I need to ride solo, at least for now,” Zelena admits tearfully. “The truth of the matter is, I have kind of low self-esteem, due to the whole Green Face Thing. And I feel like your True Love after knowing me for twenty minutes came about too fast. So, it’s more likely that you’re playing me once again, because you are this season’s Big Bad.”

“Fair enough,” responds Hades. “I’ll wait for you, anyway. It’s not like I exactly have ladies knocking down my door. It’s the creepy CGI Hair thing. Ladies find it a turn off. I’m not sure why. Probably because it burns their nipples off when we are fooling around . . .”

the moving hair

And that was Once in a nutshell. Next week, Gaston emerges in the Underworld to pay tribute to what, in my opinion, is most underrated, unintentionally homoerotic, Disney song ever . .


See you then!

Cross posted at Happy Nice Time

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