Sunday Bloody Sunday – A Recap of the Game of Thrones’ Finale “Mother’s Mercy”

dead jon

“Is it Friday yet?”

This week on the Game of Thrones’ season finale, literally everybody and their mother dies. Selyse dies. Myranda dies. Myrcella dies. Meryn Trant dies. Jagen dies . . . but not really. Arya dies . . . but also not really. All these random army people die . . . really. Stannis dies . . . but offscreen, so we aren’t sure if it actually happened. Cersei’s pride dies, and her hair dies (though, I guess, technically, hair is already dead). Jon Snow dies . . . I think . . . maybe . . . but also maybe not.

at least pretty

In related news, the race to the Iron Throne just seemingly got a lot smaller. (My money is on Bran or Rickon winning the big prize, just to punish us all for never giving a shit about them.) Of course, all this death and destruction begs a very important question. If everyone in Westeros is dead except the person charged with leading it, does the Iron Throne become nothing more than just a poorly constructed chair that’s really bad for your back?

sansa on throne

Seriously, no lower lumbar support on that thing whatsoever.

For the last time this season, let’s let the character bloodbath begin, shall we?

In which burning your kid is revealed to not be the lucky charm you originally envisioned . . .

Hey Stannis, the next time you want Lady Luck to be on your side, might I suggest buying one of those fake rabbit’s feet, rubbing the head of a troll doll, or pocketing a four leaf clover. Perhaps, pick up a penny that is face up on the street. Why? Because all these things are a heck of a lot easier to do than burning your child is messy. Let’s face it: burnt kids are messy. Also Lady Luck hates all child murderers . . .

haters gonna

Actually everybody hates child murderers, even, apparently, contract killers with no moral compass, a lesson that Stannis learns the morning after Shireen’s untimely, unnecessary and despicable death, when he is informed that half of his army of sellswords abandoned camp in the middle of the night. You know who else hates child killers? The child killers themselves, like Selyse Baratheon who apparently hung herself out of guilt over her daughter’s death.

anguish

Oh Stannis, when the woman who basically referred to her own child as an abomination ends up being the more loving parent, you know you are officially The Worst.

Though, in this particular case, maybe the Second Worst. Melissandre doesn’t seem to understand why people are so sensitive about the whole “Burning Shireen Because the Fire People Said So” thing. She thinks all these lovers of unburnt children are pansies should buck up.

mel

“The snow is melting, and there is a war to lose miserably with your grossly outnumbered, no longer particularly loyal, army. Gosh darnitt! Get psyched,” Awful Meli explains, doing everything to act as cheerleader to Stannis’ pathetic army, but whip out a pair of pomp oms and start doing cartwheels on the bloody floor.

Casualties: 1

Brienne, you had ONE job . . . well, maybe two . . .

Over in Winterfell, Sansa finally gets the stones to go up to that broken castle on her own, and light the candle signaling for Brienne and Podrick to come rescue her from psycho rapist, ball chopper-offer, Reek-maker, Ramsey Bolton.

thinking sansa

This would be awesome, except that no one is around to see it. You see, apparently Brienne got temporarily distracted by the shiny object that was Stannis’ pathetic and paltry army approaching Winterfell, and ran off seconds before the light appeared.

As for the Bolton / Baratheon war, it pretty much goes as you’d expect. The Boltons totally take a big stinking dump on the Baratheons, pretty much murder their entire army in about ten minutes, and manage to make it back home in time for breakfast.

so many dead bodies

I know they look like bushes, but these are actually all corpses . . .

"They make this way too easy."

“They make this way too easy.”

A couple of weeks ago, this would make a lot of people very sad. But now that Stannis is a child killer. Meh!

Brienne finds a wounded Stannis lounging by a tree surrounded by corpses, and calmly tells him, she’s going to kill him to avenge the death of his brother Renly, who was murdered by the creepy Stannis-looking Shadow Baby that grew out of Melissandre’s lady bits. Stannis stoicly accepts his fate like a man, which is odd considering he killed his kid like a cowardly bitch.

stanny

Feels awkward about seeing Shireen in Heaven, after the whole “burning thing,” then remembers he probably isn’t going there anyway . . .

We see Brienne swing her Oathkeeper sword hard, and we hear the sound effects that are typically used to indicate “sound of body being sliced open by sword, and innards spilling out like candy from a Pinata.” Unfortunately, the camera pans away right at the moment of impact, leaving Stannis’ actual fate frustratingly uncertain. (They didn’t even use the old “show the blood splatter on the tree” trick.)

happy ren

“Revenge is sweet . . . and so is Loras’ ass.”

murderous bri

Since Game of Thrones has never been a show to skimp on showing the gory demise of it’s main characters, I’ll believe Stannis Baratheon is dead, when I see his decapitated head on a pike.

ned head

Too soon?

Until then . . .

Casualties: Approximately 563 nobodies / soon-to-be zombies. (Seriously, how did no one think to burn these corpses, before they could rise from the dead? Have they learned nothing from watching this show?)

Main Character Body Count: 1ish?

Turning a Blind Eye

You know whose death wasn’t at all left open to interpretation? Meryn Trant! That dude is as dead as a misbehaving actor on a Shondra Rhimes television series . . .

mcdreamy-is-dead-1

As many of us predicted, Arya got her opportunity to murder Trant, by capitalizing on his disgusting creepy pedo tendencies. We see he’s got three ridiculously young girls in his brothel chamber, all of whom he whips until they cry out. But one, whose face is covered with her long hair, does not cry. This frustrates Meryn so much that he sends the other girls away.

Clearly, this is Arya Stark . . . except when Meryn finally removes the girl’s hair from her face, it isn’t Arya at all. It’s the dying of cancer girl Arya murdered at Burgerless White Castle.

Wait. . . what?

scared baby gif

Oh, just kidding, Arya was just borrowing that other girl’s face.

Meryn doesn’t actually remember killing Syrio, Arya’s friend and sword trainer, and the guy whose death earned him a spot on the youngest Stark girl’s Death List. But that matters little, seeing as he’s such a terrible human being. Arya reveals her true identity to him, before brutally plucking out his eyeballs (important later), choking him, and stabbing him until he bleeds to death like a stuck pig.

who i am arya i am you are nothing

It looks like Becoming No One is going to have to wait until next season. Because this is Arya Friggin Stark, Regular Cast Member of Game of Thrones! And Meryn Trant? He’s Drew Barrymore’s character in the first Scream movie, basically . . .

Back at Burgerless White Castle, Arya is returning Dying With Cancer Girl’s face to the Face Store, and feeling pretty damn good about herself, until Daddy Jagen comes to ground her for not delivering oyster-eating guy his poison perfume bottle, like she was supposed to do. (In Arya’s defense, she didn’t actually use the poison on Meryn Trant, so there is still plenty left to go around.)

not amused

“Creepy Pedo’s life was not yours to take,” scolds Jagen.

“Whose was it to take then?” Arya wonders. “Is there some kind of list? Because, maybe if the person who was supposed to kill Meryn Trant kills Oyster Eating guy, all will be right in the universe again.”

“Maybe, but I’m going to inexplicably drink poison now to teach you a lesson about not shirking on your duties at Burgerless White Castle,” says Jagen.

Arya cries hysterically at the loss of her “friend,” who made her sweep floors and wash dirty corpses all day, and occasionally kill random people for no compensation whatsoever. (I don’t know about you, but, where I come from, people like that are not called “friends,” they are called “slave drivers.”)

scooby face

Then “live” Jagen, appears over “dead” Jagen, causing a very confused Arya to do that Scooby Doo thing where she repeatedly pulls masks off Jagen’s face to find out who he actually is. (And even though he is wearing like ten different masks, his face doesn’t look even remotely puffy . . . weird.) The last face Arya ends up seeing on “Dead” Jagen is her own.

blind eye

This freaks her out so much, she goes blind, probably because her dad never let her watch Scooby Doo, when she was a little girl. If she did, she would know that face-swapping is no big thing! Also, that the Scooby Snacks were actually pot brownies . . .

scooby pot

Ruh roh!

Casualties: 1 Meryn Trant + 0 Oyster Eating Dudes + 1 Jagen Hagar -1 Jagen Hagar + 1 Arya Stark -1 Arya Stark, + 2 Arya Stark eyes.

You Know Nothing, Jon SnowSam Tarley

wanted to be wizard

If anyone should have had an inkling that all was not right on The Wall . . . that Alliser Thorne’s “you are losing all your friends, Sam,” speech, and Olly’s “Golly gee, Sam, do you think it’s OK if I murder, Jon Snow?” speech . . . were some massive bits of foreshadowing, all adding up to a dead bestie, it was Samwell Tarley.

I mean, last I checked, the guy was supposed to be really smart, right?

WRONG!

sam-jon-snow

“Hey Jon, I know you just came back and all, but would you mind terribly if Gilly, Baby Sam and I abandoned your ass for Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry Old Town, so I can learn to become a Hufflepuff Maester, and you can learn to take five swords to the gut, be fake dead for a year, and then miraculously come back to life in Season 6?” Sam asks his “best friend.”

chatting

“Did you know that women have these things called G-spots? I did. Because I’m a really good finder.”

“Actually, I do kind of mind a little,” admits Jon. “I mean everyone REALLY hates me here, and that twerpy kid keeps giving me, ‘I’m totally going to Julius Caesar you,’ looks. To be honest, I’m kind of worried for my life. Speaking of lives, my direwolf saved yours a week or so back, and indirectly helped you get laid, even though you were seriously wounded and could basically just lay there while Gilly did all the work, so I think you kind of owe me one.”

“Great, thanks for letting me go, Jon. You’re the best,” replies Sam, as he Gilly and baby Sam get on a horse, and blow this Wall Watching popsicle stand, faster than you can say, “Shitty Friend.”

“But ummmmm….. I never actually said yes,” argues Jon to no one.

jon snow speeching

Casualties– 0

Good friends Jon Snow has left to save him from his inevitable Julius Caesaring – 0

Speaking of shitty friends . . .

One Small Step for Reek, One Giant Leap for that Nasty Biatch, Myranda . . .

looking down

“This seemed a whole lot more romantic when it was Aladdin and Jasmine singing ‘A Whole New World,’ and riding on a magic carpet.”

After Sansa’s failed bid for Brienne’s help at the broken castle, her luck gets even worse, when she runs into “Myranda, and her trusty bow and arrow. “Hey Sansa, would you mind standing still while I shoot arrows at your lady parts, because I’m an anti-feminist and irredeemable sadist?” Ramsey’s mistress inquires politely.

“Um, OK, yeah, why not,” replies Sansa, standing perfectly still to give her nemesis good aim. (Always so polite, that Sansa.)

lets begin

“Hey, Myranda, can you fly?” Reek asks.

“What?” Myranda responds momentarily confused.

Reek then pushes Myranda off the side of the building, and watches her go splat on the ground. “Guess not,” he murmurs.

go bye bye myr

SPLAT!

oops reek

Sansa then grabs the hand of her once-enemy, Reek, and the two jump to safety themselves, away from Winterfell, and Ramsey’s nearby army . . .

Casualties: 1 not-able-to-fly Myranda + 1 Reek – 1 Theon. (He’s baaaaack!)

A Kiss Before Dying

Meanwhile, over in Slutty Spring Break Dorne, Ellaria bids Myrcella adieu by inappropriately making out with the young teen, and young Sand Snake Tyene bids Bronn adieu by yammering on about her pussy . . . and I’m not talking about her pet cat.

happy-cat-800

Good pussy

oobies

Bad pussy

On the ship back to Kings Landing, Jamie and Myrcella share a heartfelt moment, during which Myrcella admits to knowing that Jamie is her father, and is totally cool with it, happy about it, even. But if Shireen Baratheon has taught us anything, it’s that sweet scenes between fathers and daughters never end well, and this one is no exception . . .

myrc

This is a public service announcement: Cocaine is bad!

Suddenly, Myrcella’s nose is bleeding and she collapses on the floor. Back in Dorne, Ellaria’s nose is bleeding too, only she has the anecdote to the poison she’s just imbibed, so she will be just fine. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for young Myrcella Lannister, whose Spring Break just came to a super abrupt and tragic end.

dead myrc

Cersei is going to be pissssssssed!

Casualties: 1 + The inner linings of two nose cavities

Even Dragons Get Hangovers

sick drogon

“Regrets . . . I have a few.”

Meanwhile, over on some grassy knoll, Dany is trying to rouse a very sleepy, worse-for-wear, Drogon, so he can take her back to all the friends she rudely abandoned and left to die in Mereen last week.

go home

Drogon, though, is totally not having it. He’s already done his obligatory “Mommy Rescue” of the week, thank you very much. And now, what he wants to do, is sleep off the unique brand of massive indigestion that can only be caused by eating an entire cult of Evil Sons of Harpies and their creepy face masks.

dont_wake_the_dragon

Then, out on the horizon, Dany sees a tall strapping, swarthy, man who looks very familiar to her. It’s the GHOST OF KHAL DROGO!

flash_14_khaldrogo

surprised monkey

Just kidding, it’s a Dothraki warrior, but he’s brought LOTS OF HUNKY FRIENDS.

Knowing a ticket out of dodge and back into power, as the future Breaker of the Wheel of Westeros, when she sees one, Dany (1) deftly drops to the ground and buries with the heel of her sandal the tacky wedding ring she received from her now-dead loser hubby Hizadhr; (2) smiles her prettiest possible Khaleesi Smile; (3) and ventures off to reunite with her favorite band of badass warrior sycophants!

Just make sure Drogon doesn’t burn to kibble or eat your new army, Dany. This is definitely a dragon, who seems like his eyes are too big for his stomach . . . and he’s got a really BIG stomach . . .

Tyrion Lannister for President (and Varys for VP!)

tyrion-dancing-top

Back in Mereen, Tyrion, Jorah, Daario, Greyworm and Melissandre are kind of sitting around with their thumbs up their asses, because their leader has abandoned them in their time of need, and Mereen has erupted into total anarchy in her absence.

“We should go and find, Dany, because I haven’t gotten laid in about six whole hours and my blue balls are killing me .. . also, because ‘government stuff’, I guess,” offers Daario.

daario

ouat 4.1 blue balls

Everybody on Team Dany instantly wants to accompany Daario on his mission, because he’s so sexy. But then the Team dejectedly realizes that someone has to stay behind, and, you know, rule Mereen and stuff.

Ultimately, it is determined that only Daario and Jorah, the two people who most want to bone Dany, will head off in search of her, while everyone else sticks around and governs this annoying town full of cultists, former-slaves with no manners, and generally shitty people.

Fortunately for Tyrion, someone who actually knows what they are doing has arrived to help out with this seemingly insurmountable task.

Hello, Varys! Long time, no snark. It’s good to have you on the campaign ticket!

mad var

Eat your heart out, Francis Underwood from House of Cards. These two have my vote in the bag.

Casualties: -1 (Varys returns !)

The Walk of Shame: It’s Not Just For College Students Who Make Bad Life Choices Anymore

shame shame look

Walk-of-Shame-Movie

Meanwhile, back in Kings Landing, Cersei is ready to confess to her many crimes (well, at least one of them), and make us all feel better about our own personal Walks of Shame.

Here’s a little lesson that Game of Thrones can teach college administrators hoping to crack down on binge drinking at their universities. As if walking across campus on a Sunday morning wearing a halter top and leopard print pants, or a vomit stained button-down shirt, and hair that hasn’t been brushed since 9 p.m. the night before, wasn’t humiliating enough . . .

Imagine having to do it with this chick, strutting behind you, ringing a cowbell, and repeatedly chanting the word “Shame” at your back . . .

shame shame

.more cowbell

. . while you are butt naked . . .

. . . and shaved bald . . .

. . . and people keep throwing their poo at you, and calling you names that would make a prostitute blush.

I’m guessing a mandatory Walk of Shame like that would have your campus completely bone dry in a month tops.

In all seriousness, Lena Heady is pretty spectacular here. You can actually see Cersei’s pride, stoicism and pride gradually crumble, as she makes the long, humiliating and cruel walk from her cell back to the Iron Throne.

crying cerse

But it’s when she returns home that things get really interesting. Apparently, someone has made Cersei a new Frankenstein friend to carry her around, and, you know, murder people for her and stuff. He kind of reminds me of Hodor, except he’s way less talkative and a much more swankily dressed.

It's Hodor's long lost older brother, Bodor?

It’s Hodor’s long lost older brother, Bodor?

hodor-1024

Casualties: Cersei’s pride . . . and her hair, -1 for Cersei’s new body guard, who I’m pretty sure is a dead character (maybe The Mountain) reawakened by science a la Frankenstein (Franken-Hodor?)

Speaking of people I suspect will be awakened from the dead in no time at all . . .

always comes

Et tu, Ollypop?

Back on the wall, Davos is screaming at Jon Snow for refusing to give Stannis army supplies to help in his battle against the Boltons, only to learn mid lecture from a completely randomly appearing Melissandre (Seriously, how did she get there, so fast? Flying broomstick, I presume) that Stannis, Shireen, Selyse, and pretty much everyone from that storyline, is already dead anyway.

The letter Jon Snow receives from a gloating Roose Bolton confirms as much.

Then Olly pops by to tell Jon Snow his long lost relative Benjen Stark has returned after four seasons to see him. “Come out and meet your uncle, Jon,” Olly exclaims excitedly.

Oh, Jon Snow. You aren’t really going to fall for that trick are you? The old “Look over there, it’s a bird! Haha made you look” trick? You really do know nothing.

watchu talking about olly

Ollypop throwing some shade . . .

Anywhoo, obviously, when Jon arrives outside there is no Benjen Stark to be found. What he does find are a bunch of bastards led by that Grumpy Ginger Alliser Thorne. They all start taking turns totally Julius Caesaring Jon Snow, and chanting, “For the Watch,” as they do it, just to add insult to Jon Snow’s possibly mortal injuries.

Olly pop steps up last. He eye f*&ks Jon Snow just long enough that you wonder whether or not he’s actually going to go through with his role as Brutus in our little tale. But, eventually Olly stabs Jon too. And it’s that stab that literally breaks Jon’s heart enough to “kill” him.

how fans feel about olly

A perfect depiction of what fans want to do to Ollypop, after he delivers the mortal blow to Jon Snow. If I was this actor, I’d seriously enter the witness protection program ASAP.

Casualties: Jon Snow, and any respect I ever had for Ollypop

The last scene of the season is Jon Snow bleeding out on the floor outside Castle Black, eyes open, staring at nothing, which leads me to ask just one question.

Where the f*&k is Ghost when you really need him? Or does the loyal direwolf only save people’s lives when it will directly ensure that they get laid?

ghost

“What can I say? I’m all about chasing tail.”

Sam

“And I chase tail very carefully.”

I guess we will have to wait until next season to find out. Until then, Westerosians!

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On Bad Dads and Good Dragons – A Recap of Game of Thrones’ “Dance with Dragons”

father's day

Source

By any stretch of the imagination, I’m not what anyone would call a big time reader of “The Good Book,” but I do remember the story of Abraham and Isaac. For those of you who are unfamiliar, Isaac is Abraham’s son. One night, Abraham believes he hears the word of God telling him to sacrifice his son to for him. So Abraham obediently ties up Isaac on a mountain top, and is prepared to slaughter his own kid. But just before he can do it, the Angel of God comes down from Heaven and says. “Just kidding. God was just testing your loyalty. You can go ahead and kill that ram over there, instead of your kid.”

abe and isaac

To which, Abraham replies, “Cool.”

And Isaac replies, “Phew, that was a close one.”

I remember being really horrified by the story as a child. (I’m still horrified.) The fact that the ending of the story was a “happy” one (though not, admittedly, for the ram), for me, didn’t change the fact that Abraham, who, by all accounts, was supposed to be a pretty good guy, was more than willing to murder his own kid in cold blood, just because he thought it would make God happy.

That type of religious fanaticism is generally frowned upon in polite society . . .

grumpy ram

Grumpy ram is grumpy.

Watching this week’s episode of Game of Thrones, I couldn’t help but be reminded of the story of Abraham and Isaac. Here we have Stannis, a super religious guy, who, we are led to believe, loves his daughter very much. He loves her enough to pay for the most expensive doctors from all across the land to cure her of her greyscale, when everyone tells him she is a lost cause. He loves her enough to keep her at home with him, risking himself, rather than sending her off to live and die a horrible death with the stonemen, like as so many with her ailment have done before her.

Shireen_stannis_sons_of_the_harpy

And yet, when the going gets tough, Stannis doesn’t hesitate for more than a few seconds before making the decision to murder his only daughter, submit her to a public and agonizingly painful death by fire. He sends Davos, Shireen’s closest companion, away on a mission, to ensure that he doesn’t intervene in her impending death. And for what? To satisfy the Lord of Light? To appease his nutjob mistress? Because he’s deluded enough to think that his daughter’s death will provide him with the “good luck” he needs to win the Battle of Winterfell and take over the Iron Throne?

The only throne Stannis deserves to sit on after this week’s episode. (Actually, its the only throne he deserves to be flushed down, TBH.)

It all seems so ridiculous, and petty . . . so callous and awful. It’s also literally biblical.

Unfortunately for Shireen Baratheon, there was no Angel of God on hand to tell Stannis he could take out an animal instead of his own daughter. And unfortunately for us, Shireen was burned alive, leaving her no chance of coming back as a White Walker and murdering the crap out of her shitty dad, and his even shittier girlfriend . . .

"Come at me, STANNIS!"

“Come at me, STANNIS!”

In more lighthearted news, Jamie gets to return to Dorne with his niece/daughter and Bronn in tow. Syrio’s murderer. Meryn Trant, is a disgusting pedophile, but is most definitely going to die next week. Everybody on the Wall hates Jon Snow now, but at least his cool new giant friend has his back. Jorah, Tyrion, Daario, and Missandrei will live to die another day. And Dany got a bitchin new set of wheels.

Let’s review, shall we?

Twenty Good Men versus One Horrible Father

poor shireen large

In my recap last week, I derided Ramsey Bolton’s “twenty good men” battle strategy as being patently awful. This week, I get to eat my words . . .

eat crow

“Mmm, crow. Yummy!”

Ramsey may be the most detestable human being on this show (though, after this week, the competition just got a heck of a lot stiffer), but even I have to admit, as a war strategist, he’s not too shabby. Sneaking twenty men into Stannis’ camps at nightfall, and burning their food supply, weapons, and many of their horses, effectively preventing the iron throne contender from fighting OR retreating was pretty ingenious.

(And the fact that I just complimented Sansa’s rapist makes me physically nauseous.)

sausage player

Stannis asks Davos to go back to the Wall to ask them for food and supplies. Davos rightfully thinks it’s suspicious that Stannis is sending his “hand” on a begging errand, as opposed to, say, someone who is not a regular cast member on the show. “Can I stay here, and keep you from making the terrible decisions you always make when I’m not around?” Davos asks pleadingly.

stannis

“No,” says Stannis.

“Can I take your wife and daughter with me to protect them from your horrible Non-Davos Approved decision making skills?” Davos tries again.

“No,” repeats Stannis.”

“Can I just take your daughter with me then, so that you don’t brutally murder her for nonsensical religious nutjob reasons, thereby forcing the fans of this show to actually root for that horrible sociopath Ramsey to beat you in the Battle of Winterfell, because they think you are a shameful excuse for a human being, and then hate themselves for doing so, because Ramsey is The Absolute Worst?”

“No,” says Stannis for a third time. “I want you to leave so I can kill my daughter, and all that bad stuff you just said can come true.”

“OK,” says Davos, and then he leaves.

Davos may now be able to read, but his ability to recognize subtext clearly still needs a little work . . .

Davos then goes on to have an adorable moment with Shireen, just so that you remember how much you like her, and to make you feel like that much more sh*t when she dies.

toy for shireen

“The bad news is that you are about to die for moronic reasons, and I won’t be there to save you. The good news is, I made you a crappy buck Christmas ornament for you to play with during your last hours of life,” explains Davos.

“Hooray, Bambi’s dad!” Shireen exclaims excitedly as she examines her new toy. “Where’s Bambi’s mom?”

playing ith buck

“You’ll see her soon enough,” mumbles Davos under his breath.

“What did you say?” Shireen inquires.

ouat bambi mom

“Oh nothing, what are you reading?” Davos asks, eager to change the subject.

“It’s called ‘Dance of Dragons.’ It’s the title of this episode. It’s about two Targaryens who battle one another for power and start a civil war. It teaches you how killing your family members for greedy reasons only results in more bloodshed.”

“Make sure to show that book to your dad,” Davos instructs before heading off on his Mission of Distraction.

Stannis Baratheon may be excellent at grammar, but, apparently, his reading comprehension is for absolute shit. He totally misses the point of the story Shireen is reading. “Which Targaryen did you like better? Who was the better leader?” Stannis inquires of his daughter.

shireen

“Um, neither, because they were both willing to kill their own bloodline, and sacrifice half of their people for some macho pissing contest?” Shireen patiently explains.

“But one of them had to piss better, right? Longer stream? Better aim?” Stannis presses. (See what I mean about Stannis belonging in a toilet?)

“Wow, I am way too good of a person to live in this miserable world governed by men like you,” Shireen muses.

“Yeah, about that . . .” begins Stannis.

When Shireen bravely tells Stannis she would do anything to help her father in the war effort, I think she expects him to ask her to do something nice, like teach the army to read, or put on a play using her new Christmas ornament to life the men’s spirits. What she gets is . . . well . . . not that at all.

poor shireen

As any Hitchcock fan will tell you, sometimes the things you don’t see , and therefore, have to envision with your mind’s eye, are the scariest and most frightening of all. We didn’t need to see Sansa’s rape to know it was horrific. Hearing her cries of anguish, and seeing Reek’s tears, was enough to leave her pain indelibly etched in our memory.

melisandre-hot-in-the-snow

Likewise, we don’t need to see Shireen burnt at the stake to be traumatized by it. Hearing her screams, and unanswered pleas for her parents to save her, as her mother collapses in a useless last-minute show of anguish and remorse, and Stannis stoically stares ahead, rightfully hating himself for the monster he’s become, is more than enough.

terrible parents

Rest in Peace, Shireen Baratheon. Here’s hoping you are in a better place, now . . . one with all the books you could ever want to read, and all the toys you could ever desire, because Westeros most certainly didn’t deserve you.

Jon Snow’s Approval Rating = Sam%

sam-jon-snow

“Does this mean I don’t get to be prom king anymore?”

After last week’s Zombie Apocalypse, Jon and his new Wildling friends are eager to get back within the safety of the Wall. But Substitute Teacher, Alliser Thorne makes them sweat it out a little bit, before eventually letting them inside.

cant sit

As someone who was born sexy, Jon Snow is not used to being unpopular. I mean, sure, he was born a bastard. But it didn’t matter. Men and women always liked him instinctively, because he was really, really ridiculously good looking.

Needless to say, Jon is not used to getting the barrel full of stink eye he gets served upon crossing the threshold into the Wall Watchers camp. “Don’t worry. You can still sit at my lunch table. Your new friend, Giant Guy, can be our bodyguard against bullying.”

fuck you looking

“I suggest you get a Valyrian steel vest, because these guys are totally going to Julius Caesar your ass, with Olly playing the role of Brutus,”offers Alliser Thorne, somewhat less supportively.

Just What Westeros Needs . . . More Creepy Pedos

oysters clams

Over in Braavos, Arya is back in her clam girl costume, and ready to give that old oyster-eating dude Jagen’s “gift” of little girl’s perfume . . . just kidding, it’s poison. Before she can finish the job though, Arya spots Meryn Trant, the guy who killed her first swordfighting teacher Syrio. Meryn is in town on business for the Lannisters, and as we know, Meryn is on Arya’s Death List. Arya knows she’s supposed to just poison the old oyster-eating dude and go home. But surely Jagen has enough poison around Burgerless White Castle for both douchebags! Arya thinks to herself.

Arya follows Meryn to a brothel, where he repeatedly turns down increasingly younger prostitutes (the first looked to be about 27, the last, about 14) for being “too old.” (When even the head of a brothel looks disgusted with your sexual proclivities you KNOW you are a creeper.) Eventually, the head of the brothel finds someone off the street who looks to be about Arya’s age, to “please” the despicable Meryn.

Meryn-Trant-201

Arya gets discovered snooping around the brothel, and is unceremoniously kicked out, before she can poison Meryn, but not before she overhears the brothel owner’s promise to get Meryn a fresh new “young blood” for the following night. Methinks Arya is about to go undercover as a “lady of the night.” Now, THAT should be interesting. Gross . . . but interesting.

Back at Burgerless White Castle, Arya fibs to Jagen that old oyster-eating dude “wasn’t hungry,” to explain away why she didn’t kill him.

Mr. Two Truths and a Lie Guy gives Arya this look, like he knows she’s full of shit. But, for the time being, he keeps his mouth shut.

Jaqen-H-ghar-600x308

Hmmm, I wonder if you get fired from Burgerless White Castle whether you can collect unemployment?

Sexual Deviants Unite!

wants peace 1 wants peace

Over in Dorne, Doran Martell’s “throne” is revealed to have wheels, thus proving that my “Doran has no legs” theory might actually be not far off the mark! In other news, Jamie is allowed to take Myrcella and her betrothed Trystane back to Smells Like Shit Kings Landing, where Jamie’s daughter/niece will be forced to wear more age-appropriate clothing, and Trystane will take the deceased Oberon’s seat on the council.

myrcella make out

It’s so nice to see two people who love one another “in the biblical sense,” who aren’t actually related.

It’s great news for Jamie, but crappy news for Myrcella, because, while Dorne may be boring as crap to watch, it seems like a way more fun place to live than the poo-smelling place being run by the creepy religious cult.

Forever-1426515403

Bronn gets to come back to Kings Landing too (and sing more solos, I hope), but only after that James Earl Jones-sounding guy punches him in the face for knocking out Trystane a few weeks back.

As for Ellaria and the infamous Sand Snakes, their silly badly choreographed wedding dance of a gambit to kidnap Myrcella is thankfully wrapped up just as quickly and with as little fanfare as it was introduced. Ellaria is forced to repledge her allegiance to Doran in front of the tearful Sand Snakes. Then, just in case you weren’t sure if she really meant it, Ellaria pays Jamie a visit, in which she tells him that his incest baby-making machine love story with Cersei is totally cool, and not at all gross, like everyone else thinks it is!

snuggie-throwns

“People who hate incest are so judgy,” Ellaria explains. “Here in Eternal Spring Break Dorne, all forms of f*cking, are totally approved and encouraged. It’s why our entire male animal population walks with a limp.”

Speaking of animals . . .

The Great Escape

surrounded on al sudes

Another day, another brutal murder extravaganza in the fighting pits of Mereen. Dany is surrounded by all her men, each trying not so subtly win her favor (except for Tyrion, who already has it, because he’s a bad ass, obviously). She’s got Daario at her back, bragging about his own awesomeness as a former pit fighter, extoling the virtues of a small and quick fighter, over a large lumbering and slow one. (He says this just as the small fighter in the pit, gets his head unceremoniously lobbed off by the big guy. Oops.) Hizdahr is still yammering on about how the fighting pits maintain the cordiality of polite society by giving men an outlet for their bloodthirsty natures. It also has the added benefit of keeping the rich (like him), rich. “My father would have liked you,” notes Tyrion casually. (From the guy who killed his father, this is not a compliment.)

vital part father would have

Then, yet another suitor reveals himself in the fighting pits. Jorah is back. And Dany is visibly affected by the sheer stupidity of the guy, who just can’t stop himself from trying to die on her behalf. Once again, Jorah easily disposes of all his red shirt adversaries. (Though this time, running through them Tazmanian Devil style doesn’t work, and he actually has to kill them all.)

battle winner

But the big finish comes when Jorah, shoots an arrow into the stands at Dany’s would-be assassin with the funny looking orgy mask from Eyes Wide Shut, saving her life. That’s right, boys and girls, the Sons of the Harpy are back, and they are not f*cking around.

kill assassin

Instantly about thirty more funny looking masks appear throughout the crowd, as their eerie theme music of guttural chanting starts to play in the pits. (Because, apparently, one of them is carrying a boom box?) All hell breaks loose. The Sons of the Harpy begin killing people in the stands indiscriminately, rich, poor, Hizdhar, who up until the moment he bit it, I honestly thought was part of the conspiracy until right after he bit it.

Hizdahr-zo-Loraq-S4-EP-03

Sorry!

Jorah, who knows there’s nothing like a life-threatening blood bath to really get those sexy juices flowing, jumps up from the pit and slow-mo grabs Dany’s hand, romantic comedy movie style. And I know we are all supposed to think it’s super sweet, and ship it, hard core. But was I the only one that was genuinely worried about the fact that Jorah has greyscale when this was happening?

take my hand

After all, last we heard, Greyscale gets transmitted like cooties, through simple skin contact. “Don’t let them touch you,” Tyrion advised, when Jorah and he were ambushed by a stone man in an earlier episode.

Now, perhaps, Dany’s immune to Greyscale, due to her main character status, but still . . . risky move, Jorah.

Anywhoo, Team Dany (Dany, Daario, Jorah, Tyrion and Missandrei) soon find themselves inside the pits surrounded by Harpies who want them dead. Dany clasps Missandrei’s hand and closes her eyes, preparing for an end to her story that will most certainly not involve her breaking the wheel of Westeros.

look at eachother hold hand

like a good neighbor

“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there . . . with a dragon that will kill everybody!”

Then, comes Drogon . ..

Dany’s eldest son got back from college just time, apparently. He’s breathing fire on Harpys and eating them left and right, like it’s no big thang. But he’s taking a few pesky swords in his back, as he does it. Everyone seems to stop fighting for a few minutes, to watch Dany maternally fuss over Drogon’s wounds. Then, she hops on his back and instructs him to blow this popsicle stand, presumably, to head toward Westeros.

dany with the dragon

It’s exciting. It’s triumphant. It’s . . . kind of shitty for Tyrion, Jorah, Daario and Missandrei, who clearly thought Drogon’s ride toward “not dying” was more than a single-seater . . .

dany flying

A little selfish, Dany . .. just saying . . .

Until next time, Westerosians .. . .

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Embrace the Binge – Orange is the New Black Season 3 is almost here!

OINT S 3

Mark your calendars, Netflix subscribers and people who have their friends’ Netflix login information and passwords memorized!  June 12th is fast approaching.  And with it comes our long-awaited reunion with plucky, pretty, erstwhile drug runner, Piper Chapman and her diverse gaggle of felonious female pals.

When we last left the ladies of Litchfield Correctional Facility, their formerly airtight “tribe” alliances, were showing some serious signs of strain, under the corrosive influence of sociopathic Bond villain and former drug lord, Vee Parker.

sick kids with cancer

[MAJOR spoiler alert for those who have not yet watched Season 2.  I’m not kidding!  Click away from this page now.  I’ll wait .  . . ]

piper waits

[Are they gone yet?  Super!  Let’s continue . . .]

Vee, a drug kingpin who manipulated teenage orphans with nowhere else to turn (like the whipsmart, but vulnerable, Taystee) to do her bidding, and murdered those same orphans when they had the audacity to attempt to strike out on their own, left an immediate and indelible impact on the ladies of Litchfield, in her short tenure as the series’ antagonist.

vee versus red

In just a few episodes, Vee managed to (1) break up the seemingly iron clad friendship between Taystee and Poussey; (2) completely brainwash the childlike, but indubitably well-meaning,  “Crazy Eyes” Suzanne, into her terrifyingly loyal top henchwoman; and (3) turn nearly the entire prison against its tough-as-nails mother figure and long reigning queen Red.

Then, long-suffering cancer-patient/prisoner Rosa accidentally/ on purpose ran Vee over with the Litchfield Prisoner Transport wagon, while both were simultaneously plotting their escapes from the women’s prison.  This casual bout of vehicular manslaughter brought  Vee’s reign of terror in Litchfield to its untimely, though not entirely unexpected, end.  Not to mention, it taught us all a very important lesson about the importance of being polite . . .

run over by truck run over two

Also last season on Orange, Alex Voss, Piper’s siren song into a world of crime, pleaded with her once -lover to perjure herself on the witness stand, to prevent Alex from receiving more jail time.  Piper did as she was instructed, only to later find that Alex had dimed Piper out to buy herself a get-out-of-Litchfield free card, simultaneously earning Piper an extended sentence in the pokey for her trouble.   But then Piper turned around and ratted out Alex right back to her parole officer, ensuring that Alex Voss’ days wearing orange are far from over . . .

couple

Still with me?

In other news, Piper’s SUPER boring fiancé Larry had an affair with her EVEN MORE BORING best friend, Polly.  Their tepid “forbidden” romance was the only downside to an otherwise awesome season.  Fortunately, neither will be back for Season 3.  So, those two scumwads can live boringly ever after, while we focus on the good stuff going on with our resident bad girls . .  .

jason biggs dancing

Larry was so much more fun, back when he was having sex with pastries . . .

So what’s on tap for Season 3?

Well, if the above-posted trailer is any indication, we can expect the following:

(1) Lots of Drama with a capital D, following Alex’s surprise return to Litchfield.

already there

(2) A potential love triangle between the aforementioned ladies and androgynous newbie Stella.

skinny hot girl not hot legs up to

(3) Black Cindy beginning a possible new career as a rapper? (“January, February, March, April, May and June” is officially my new jam.)

puff out

(4) Mama Pornstache?

ass haunts me

(5) Speaking of mothers, Dayanara Diaz will, hopefully, finally give birth to the spawn of That Guy from How to Get Away with Murder . . .

hall monitor

. . .  seeing as how the poor girl has been pregnant for over two years . . .

five different baby

(6) More inmate flashbacks for those not characters not yet highlighted during the show’s first few seasons, like the quietly loyal Norma, the animal loving, new hairdo-having Boo, and Flaca, who is featured heavily in the trailers and YouTube sneak peek.

never late late today

(7)  Hopefully, a chance to read Crazy Eyes’ heart-warming alien orgy love story. Now that’s a tale that needs to be on my Kindle, like, yesterday!

two people connecting

four other people aliens

(8) Musical interludes like this fabulous gem, complete with matching hand gestures!

If you haven’t been sucked into the vortex that is OINTB, fear not, you have two weeks to gorge on the first two seasons, which are currently waiting for you in your Netflix queue.  (It helps if you avoid doing unnecessary things like sleeping, showering, and going to work.)

binging

For those of you who are already fans, what are you most looking forward to in Orange’s junior year?  Whose back story are you most interested in seeing?  Are you as thrilled to see the back end of Larry as I am?  And most importantly, how long until Crazy Eyes’ Alien Orgy Porno becomes a NY Times best seller?

See you June 12th, ladies and gents.  Until then, try to stay out of the pokey . . . (They don’t have Netflix there .. .)

dont go to prison live hear with

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Karma, Glorious Karma – Game of Thrones’ “The Gift” Recap

i am the gift

“Like Frosted Lucky Charms, I’m Magically Delicious.”

This week’s episode of Game of Thrones featured many of the good citizens of Westeros attempting to obtain pardons for their sins (and the sins of others) with highly variable rates of success. Some of these apologies were verbal in nature, like Olenna’s and Tommen’s “I’m sorry Margaery and Loras offended your creepy hypocrite cult” speeches.

Other apologies were more action-oriented, like Jamie’s “I’m sorry you’re an incest baby, whose ass I dumped in Dorne, and completely forgot about for a decade,” trip to rescue Myrcella, the Sand Snakes’ “sorry TV viewers for that craptastic fight scene last week,” boobie shot, Jorah’s “sorry I betrayed your trust, Dany” ass kicking of many, and Gilly’s “sorry you got the sh*t kicked out of you” screw of Sam Tarley.

Still others were not so much apologies at all, like Ramsey’s “sorry, not sorry I raped you on your wedding night,” artistic display for Sansa, Cersei’s “sorry, not sorry, I ruined your and your brother’s life” gift of Bambi’s mom leftovers to Margaery, and Littlefinger’s “sorry, not sorry I revealed your gross incest sexcapades to all your enemies” middle finger to Cersei.

littlefinger

Let’s repent, shall we? Er, I mean, review . . .

In which Sam Tarley loses all his friends (and his virginity!)

sadsam

On the Wall, Samwell Tarley is having a no good/ very bad day. First, Jon Snow, Sam’s only male friend under the age of 100, abandons Sam to head off on his much maligned by all on the water “Friends with Wildlings World Peace Tour,” taking Sam’s only remaining piece of creepy baby zombie-killing dragon glass as a parting gift.

Then, Sam’s other male friend, Maester Aemon Targaryen, croaks from being really, really ridiculously old. “He was the fire of the dragon, and now his fire has gone out. And now his watch has ended,” Sam eulogizes, as him and the Watchmen take turns burning Maester Aemon’s body to crispy bacon, so he doesn’t turn into a creepy baby zombie. (Though, to be fair, it’s kind of hard to picture Maester Aemon being a “baby” anything at this point.)

hold hand while dies

aemon funeral light fire

“You are losing all of your friends,” Allisar Thorne says helpfully to Sam, making me wonder if, in a past life, the grumpy ginger watchman was a motivational speaker, or Captain Obvious from those Hotels.com commercials.

captain obvious

Then, two of Sam’s fellow watchmen try to sexually assault Gilly, because after last week, another controversial sexual assault is precisely what this show needs.

Sarcasm_tbbt

Sam gallantly (if not particularly effectively) tries to fight them off, and winds up getting the stuffing beat out of him for his trouble. But then, at the very last minute, Ghost pops by to intimidate the douchebags and save the day . . . thus proving that, while Jon Snow may know nothing, his pet direwolf knows friggin everything!

ghost

Gilly is so grateful to Sam for all he’s done for her, that she names her baby after him! Then, she gets on top of his more or less immobile body, and slowly rides him away from his pesky virginity, while the pleasantly plump young watchman repeatedly utters, “Oh my,” like he’s auditioning to play Robin William’s character in the remake of Mrs. Doubtfire.

oh my

Sexy, it’s most certainly not, but sweet it most definitely is. And why shouldn’t Gilly and Sam get a little R-rated happiness? After all they are two of the few people who aren’t total assholes left alive in Westeros, which makes them nearly as rare Dany’s dragons, but perhaps not quite as rare as Tyrion’s huge magical dong . . .

The benefits of being a bastard . . . and a psychotic douchebag

sansa to theon

Over in Kings Landing, Sansa, locked in her room like a prisoner, her body covered in bruises, begs Theon / Reek to find his balls wherever Ramsey left them, reattach them to his body, and help her get out of this mess, by lighting a candle in the tower that will alert Brienne that she’s in need of rescue.

The next morning, Creepy Ramsey decides to let Sansa out of her cell for a little walk in the snow. While out and about, they casually discuss the laws of primogeniture.

bastards can rise thinking sansa

“If I defeat Stannis’ army, I will be Warden of the North,” explains Ramsey.

“Unless your dad has a legitimate baby boy first. Then, that baby will be Warden of the North,” corrects Sansa. “And you will be The Guy Who Changes the Warden of the North’s Doody Diapers.”

“I’m no longer a bastard, because my claim to the Bolton name was legitimized by King Tommen Baratheon the Prepubescent Pussy Cat Lover who is a product of incest,” Ramsey argues.

tommen with cat

“If a bastard is legitimized by another bastard, the legitimacy erases itself, and he’s still a bastard,” offers Sansa smugly.

“But bastards can still be cool! Your half-brother Jon Snow is a bastard and he’s the Master and Commander of the Night’s Watch, who has hot sex with ginger wildlings, and has a massively large direwolf do his bidding for him, while he’s on vacation,” retorts Ramsey.

sad snow

“I’m going to pocket this important piece of information, and eventually use it to get out of this hellhole of a marriage, and hopefully have you brutally murdered,” says Sansa.

“Wait . . . what?” Asks Ramsey.

“Oh nothing,” replies Sansa, with a wink at the camera, as she stealthily pockets a sharp pointy object she will hopefully later use to separate Ramsey from his shriveled rotten excuse for manhood.

“Hey, remember your adorable sweet washer lady friend, who wanted to help you escape? Check it out, I had her flayed, after Theon / Reek sold you out for trying to escape the nightmare that is your life right now.

surprised monkey

If Sansa Stark had a cell phone right now, she would be texting Brienne, rows upon rows of the frowny tear-faced emoticons. Also the emoticon that looks like a triangular mound of poo with eyes, because that’s pretty much what Theon/Reek smells and acts like these days . . .

crying theon

pie of poo

Will sing for boobies and poison antidotes

oobies

Over in Dorne, Bronn is in jail serenading his next door cell mates, the Sand Snakes, and it sounds a bit like this. . .

(Only without the dancing, unfortunately.)

Youngest Sand Snake Tyene is so impressed with the serenade that she inexplicably shows her boobies to Bronn, once again proving that the Dorne portion of this show is pretty much a remake of Harmony Korine’s Spring Breakers movie. All that’s missing is a gold-toothed James Franco, and a Skillrex soundtrack.

gangsta

While Bronn is busy mind-tripping on boobies, Tyene lets slip the fact that her knife blade has poisoned him, and he’s about to croak.

“But if I will die, who will save the weakest storyline of the season from deteriorating into a boring montage of poorly choreographed fight scenes that look like line dance’s you do at your cousin’s wedding, with endless snark, sexual innuendo, and the occasional musical interlude,” argues a suddenly moments from death Bronn.

“You are absolutely right,” agrees Tyene. “Here, have a vial of poison antidote I carry around in my bra for plot convenient moments like this.”

And that, my friends is how Bronn lived to sing (and hopefully dance) another day . . .

The Things We Do for Love

more hair more hands

Experiencing less gratuitous lady mounds, but more familial angst is Jamie Lannister, who is having a bit of trouble getting Myrcella to return to smells like sh*t Kings Landing with him.

“I’m not going back to Kings Landing with you. And you can’t make me. You are not my father,” argues Myrcella.

*Jamie whistles uncomfortably.*

“Dorne rules. Kings Landing drools. Spring Break forever,” insists Myrcella, as she fist pumps for the camera.

Forever-1426515403

The Things We Do for Power

meli

When Melissandre is not busy killing prospective kings with the shadow baby between her legs, and seducing the entire cast of Game of Thrones, she often occupies herself with her third favorite pastime of Being the Absolute Worst.

Case in point, Melissandre tells Stannis that if he wants to win the Iron Throne he has murder his own young daughter Shireen. Why?

meli and stan

“Because the Fire told me so,” explains Melissandre matter-of-factly . . . which, if you think about it, is pretty much the Westeros equivalent of “I read hidden messages about it in J.D. Salinger’s Catcher in the Rye,” and “Jodie Foster made me do it.”

Stannis tells the Red Lady to take her kid murdering plans and shove them up her ass along with her evil shadow baby. Let’s hope he stays on message, because Shireen is an awesome little kid (way more awesome than snoozy Bran and wussy Tommen, that’s for sure). Also, because Melissandre sucks.

shireen

Tyrion Lannister – The Gift That Keeps on Giving

On the slaver’s auction block, Jorah fibs that her murdered Khal Drogo to win a spot in Dany’s newly reopened Mereneese fighting pits. Not wanting to be separated from his new bestie, Jorah, Tyrion gets himself auctioned as well, by amusing everyone with his wise cracks, and also by beating the crap out of the guy who chained him up in the first place.

Magical Cock – FOR THE WIN!

tyrion-dancing-top

Meanwhile, Dany is celebrating her engagement to boring poopy pants Hizdahr by boning the super sexy Daario, naturally. After all, Dany is a modern woman, and monogamy is so 100 B.C.!

daario

At the fighting pits, Dany is visibly horrified when one dude starts brutally murdering everyone in the pit. Then Jorah rushes onto the field, and quickly knocks that guy, and everyone else, unconscious, seemingly by just running past them really fast, Tazmanian Devil style. When Jorah reveals himself as Dany’s champion, she is SUPER PISSED.

“Get that traitor out of my sight,” exclaims Dany, who is no stranger to holding a grudge.

jorah to dany get him out

Jorah is visibly crushed. Fortunately, Tyrion rushes out to his rescue. “Would the ownership of a magical dwarf cock, change your feelings about this studly old man?” Tyrion inquires.

“Have we met before?” Dany asks, noting to her chagrin that she’s been much too busy having sex with Daario to get caught up on Seasons 1 through 4 of Game of Thrones.

i am the gift gif who are you

“My name is Tyrion Lannister,” explains the wily imp. “And I am extremely important to the plot of this story. Also my massively large weiner grants people wishes . . . and can make balloon animals on request.”

Magical Cock = THE MVP OF THIS EPISODE . . . well, almost . . .

Littlefinger – The STD That Keeps on Spreading

Unlike Samwell Tarley, Cersei Lannister starts off the episode having the best day ever. After an invigorating morning of mutilating adorable puppies and devil worshipping, she visits her son Tommen, and tells him, “not to worry, I’ll totally make sure your girlfriend doesn’t get murdered by the religious nutsos I put in power.” Then, she proceeds to smugly offer an imprisoned, smelly and ratty-haired, Margery, her rotten Bambi’s mother leftovers (which she probably killed herself) in prison.

hateful bitch sleep well sis

Elsewhere, Queen of Thorns Olenna is making little headway on her quest to free her grandkids from the High Sparrow’s clutches. “I’m not going to help you, because you are a 1 percenter,” explains that Old Dirty Poop Smelling New Pope, High Sparrow. “The Tyrells are pretty much the Romney’s of Westeros, only less Mormon.”

olenna-tyrell-1024

But then Olenna’s luck changes, when she gets a valuable piece of information from Mister Finger in Every Plot in the Series himself, Littlefinger. “In case you forgot, I used to own a brothel, which means I know who everyone in this town used to pork,” explains Littlefinger.

In an absolutely fabulous scene we’ve been waiting to see since Season 1, High Sparrow totally calls Cersei out on having sex with her cousin, the now thoroughly cult-brain washed, Lancel Lannister, who, of course confessed everything. In the final scenes of the episode, Cersei gets tossed into a cell, right alongside Margaery, and those stinky leftovers she dropped off for her mere moments earlier.

lancel pwns im the queen thrown in dungeon

Karma . . . Glorious Karma, that’s the real MVP of this episode. (But Tyrion’s Magical Cock is a close second.)

Until next time . . .

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Weddings are the Worst – Game of Thrones “Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken” Recap

cover photo

WOW, George R.R. Martin must REALLY HATE marriage. (My apologies to his current wife, who I am sure is lovely.) Think about it. So far on GOT, we have had six weddings. One of them was red . . .

red wedding 1 red wedding 2

One of them was purple . . .

dead joff

One of them ended with the blushing bride taking a flying solo honeymoon out of a moon door.

dying lysa

Sansa’s first marriage to Tyrion Lannister, though filled with great booze, wasn’t exactly a joy to behold either.

The fact that GOT’s “best” wedding was a marriage that could almost literally be considered a cradle robbing says something about the author’s views on holy matrimony.

marg and tommen

This week, on Game of Thrones, the series’ war on weddings continues, when poor Sansa Stark experiences a wedding night so horrifying that, even if the producers didn’t thankfully fade to black after the first few seconds, most of us would have watched through our fingers anyway.

Also this week, Arya gets a promotion at Burgerless White Castle. Queen Margaery gets a major demotion. Bronn and Jamie play dress-up. And Tyrion and Jorah make some new friends with benefits, but, perhaps, not the kind of benefits they were hoping for.

Let’s review, shall we?

Two Truths and a Lie

When we last left the Artist Formerly Known as Arya Stark, she was scrubbing the naughty bits of some dead naked guy. When we meet up with her again, she’s still doing it. (He must have been REALLY dirty!)

arya washing

“What’s up with all the creepy corpse washing we do?” Arya asks her new frenemy and fellow scrubber of dead nudists. “Is there like a Dead People Beauty Pageant in Burgerless White Castle that I should know about?”

Arya’s coworker at Burgerless White Castle, the highly unpleaseant Frenemy, is so very unwilling to give up the details about the Corpse Top Model reality show going on behind the Secret Door, she slams said door in poor Arya’s face, when the youngest Stark sister tries to get a peek.

In an effort to distract Arya from what a thankless, sh*t job it is working for Burgerless White Castle, Frenemy then decides to play a game with her colleague, which reminds me a bit of the game Two Truths and a Lie. In the game, Frenemy tells Arya this sob story about how she came to be a creepy corpse washer at Burgerless White Castle (something about an evil stepfather, I think?), and Arya has to determine which parts of the story are true, and which are fake.

daughter of lord

“I have an androgynous haircut, just like you.”

(If this is what teenagers did for fun before the advent of technology, I can understand why the average life expectancy was so low. People were bored to death. Also, you know, murder, lack of modern medicine, poor nutrition and stuff. But mostly boredom.)

Later, Arya tries to play the same “fun” game with Jagen Hager, only this time, she’s the one telling the origin story, not Frenemy. Jagen, being Jagen, “generously” tries to make the game a bit more exciting and “high stakes” by punching Arya in the face whenever she lies, which is kind of rude, to be honest. Geez, Jagen! At least when the people who work at Burger-FULL White Castle get abused at work, they get free(or at least deeply discounted) bullet-hole ridden meat patties out of it. Arya gets bupkiss for her troubles! Just the opportunity to wash more smelly dead people. It’s not exactly a winning corporate bonus structure. (And for sure, Burgerless White Castle doesn’t offer a dental plan. Have you seen Jagen’s teeth?)

stupid game 1 stupid game 2

Given Jagen’s interpretation of Two Truths and a Lie, I’d be really frightened to see his take on other childhood classic games like Duck Duck Goose, Pin the Tail on the Donkey, and Simon Says. Something tells me his versions of those games involve regular and frequent ass kickings for Goose, the Donkey, and the person who didn’t listen to Simon’s instructions, respectively. Also they probably involve people talking like Yoda from Star Wars, because Jagen does that all the time. And I used to find it cool. But now I think it’s super annoying.

dancing yoda

Still love Yoda though. Best dancer ever!

Later that day, Some Random Dad arrives at Burgerless White Castle with his dying daughter, and orders a cheeseburger with a side of fries. Just kidding, he orders the prompt death of his Terminal Disease Kid. “Would you like that homicide supersized, sir?” Arya inquires.

“Nah, just your standard mercy killing with a side of ketchup should be fine,” replies Some Random Dad.

Arya expertly murders Some Random Dad’s dying kid by claiming that, if she drinks the Instant Death Water from the Burgerless White Castle Fountain, it will heal all her pain. (She must really want to wash this girl’s corpse!) The young girl does as instructed.

dying girl

“Dad wanted me to die at McDonalds instead, but I insisted on coming here after seeing the Harold and Kumar movie. That sh*t was awesome.”

Jagen is thrilled. (Such a Sadist, Jagen is!) So thrilled, in fact, that Arya gets to walk behind the Secret Door of Really Clean Corpses as her reward. Hooray!

Since I guess Braavos Next Top Corpse Model is on hiatus, all that Arya finds behind the door are a bunch of candles and some scary face masks, which may actually be real faces. How very Texas Chainsaw Massacre! While admiring one such face, Jagen tells Arya, that, even though she isn’t quite cool enough yet to be “no one,” she is currently cool enough to become someone else other than herself.

touching face touching 2

I hear the role of Donald Draper has recently become available, Arya . . .

Never Trust a Guy Whose Name is a Variation of Pinky

Meanwhile, over in Kings Landing, Littlefinger breaks the news to Cersei that (1) Sansa Stark is alive and well in Winterfell and set to marry that freak of nature, Ramsey Bolton; and (2) Stannis and his army are marching to Winterfell to murder the Boltons and take Winterfell for themselves. Two situations, which, coincidentally, Littlefinger has orchestrated himself.

littlefinger

But because playing god with three quarters of the cast of Game of Thrones is not nearly enough for this meddlesome Hand-y Man, Littlefinger makes Cersei an offer she can’t refuse. It involves Littlefinger sending his own army from the Vail to fight on behalf of the Lannisters, and taking Winterfell from whoever isn’t left dead of Roose and Stannis once they are done fighting. (Did YOU know Littlefinger had his own army? I didn’t know that.) In return, Littlefinger only asks that Cersei name him Warden of the North.

So to recap, Littlefinger has told Sansa that she will be Warden of the North, told Roose and Stannis each that they will be Warden of the North, and told Cersei that he will be warden of the North.

Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?

Speaking of shady . . .

The Trials and Tribulations of the Tyrells

smell shit smell shit 2

Olenna Tyrell arrives in Kings Landing to throw some customary shade Cersei’s way, in hopes that she’ll shame Cersei for imprisoning Loras based on (1) his homosexuality, and (2) the fact that Loras doesn’t want to get into Cersei’s pants as much as her own brother does. “Everyone on this show who hasn’t already been brutally murdered, is pretty much gay,” Olena explains matter-of-factly to her granddaughter before entering into her verbal smackdown with the Queen Mother. “If the religious nutsos put all the gay people on this show in jail, GOT would become Orange is the New Black, basically.”

oint

Unfortunately, it’s Cersei who has the last laugh, this time around. After waiting patiently while Loras admits under oath to Old Dirty Poo Smelling New Pope that he never “lied down” with another man, and Margaery swears to the truth of his statements, Loras’ erstwhile squire calls them both out as liars. He even goes as far as to describe a birthmark on Loras’ inner thigh, and to accuse Margaery of walking in on the couple in flagrante and not batting an eyelash. (Which, as we know, she most definitely did, in a way that was totally awesome, and most certainly did not deserve to be punished.) Margaery should only be punished for being the Most Popular Pedophile on the Show and nothing more. Because, aside from the whole pedophile thing, she’s positively lovely.

the trial

Boo Cersei! You are the worst! (Well, actually Ramsey is the worst. And Joffrey was the second worst. But you are a very close third.)

As both Margaery and Loras are dragged off to jail, Margaery calls to her prepubescent hubby, Tommen, for help. But he just stares off into space blankly, undoubtedly dreaming of all the pussy he’s going to get to play with now that his wife is no longer sharing his bed. I’m talking about his kittens, obviously. What did you think I was talking about?

tommen with cat

Fun with Sand Snakes

Over in Dorne, Doran Martell hasn’t moved from his chair for about four weeks now (not even to go potty). I’m beginning to think he might have no legs. Book readers, is this true?

doran mart

Meanwhile, young lovebirds, Myrcella Lannister and Trystane Martell ,are playing some serious tonsil hockey, and are super excited about their impending nuptials. It’s nice to know that some romance exists on this show that’s actually age appropriate, AND isn’t between two people who share DNA.

myrcella make out playing dress up

Speaking of romance, enter Jamie and Bronn, with their new groovy threads and super cool black stallions, to come rescue Myrcella from super sexy Spring Break Vacation Dorne, and return her to her rightful home in Smells Like Shit Kings Landing. Little Lannister Myrcella is understandably miffed by this idea.

Then, the Sand Snakes come to fight with Jamie and Bronn so THEY can kidnap Myrcella, except what they do looks must less like fighting and more like the cheesy line dancing you did at your cousin’s wedding last year.

fighting bronn something stupid

Then Doran’s henchman, whose voice sounds eerily similar to James Earl Jones, rounds them all up and arrests them.

Because that’s just what this season needs, more characters in jail. Also, more cowbell . . .

more cowbell

Everything is better with cowbell.

In Which We Learn a Not-So-Little Dwarf Anatomy Lesson

Outside Valyria, Jorah and Tyrion get captured by a bunch of guys who think Tyrion’s weiner has magical powers, which is pretty much the most awesome compliment you could give Tyrion, when you think about it. (Maybe it’s like the hair on those troll dolls, where if you rub it enough, it brings you good luck. Though, admittedly, this trick most certainly did not work for Shea.)

game over

“Should have gone with the four-leaf clover instead.”

The guys want to cut off Tyrion’s magical weiner, and carry it around like a lucky charm or rabbit’s foot, maybe even sell it for some serious cash. But Tyrion wisely explains to the men that his weiner is only worth something if people know it comes from a dwarf.

“We just assumed your Johnson was adorably, pint-sized like you,” says one of the guys.

“Actually, you should never judge a dwarf by the size of his dong . . . unless that dwarf is me, because my dong is massive,” Tyrion explains. “And I am awesome.”

Wait to go, Peter Dinklage! It’s not every day a male actor gets to admit to the television-watching world that he’s well endowed!

dancing ty

Anywhoo, Tyrion wisely convinces his would-be captors to keep his man bits intact, and not kill him and/or Jorah, by informing them that Jorah is a spectacular fighter. This gains Tyrion and Jorah passage to Mereen where they can battle in Dany’s recently-reopened fighting pits for cash and for the Mother of Dragon’s love, of course!

Well, Jorah will fight for cash and Dany’s love. Tyrion will just walk around town waving around his Magical Huge Cock.

Do you take this Psychopath to Be Your Lawfully Wedded Husband?

the wedding

Wedding bells are ringing in the North, as Sansa suffers the indignity of being bathed by that bitch, Myrcella in preparation for her marriage to awful Ramsey. “Did you know that I help Ramsey kill all his former lovers, after he gets tired of porking them?” Myrcella notes conversationally.

“Wow, grow some self-respect, girlfriend. It’s clear your boyfriend is just not that into you, if he makes you wait around while he occasionally sticks his hot dog into others,” retorts naked Sansa.

sausage player

It’s not even a nice looking hot dog. Kind of crooked, if you ask me.

It takes real balls to win a verbal smack down while in your birthday suit. And Sansa is going to need those balls for what’s about to happen next.

Dressed in her wedding finery, Sansa hears a knock at her door. It’s Theon / Reek ready and waiting to take her to her doom, er, I mean wedded bliss.

It’s fitting that the wedding takes place in the dark of night, and looks more like a funeral / ritual sacrifice than a happy occasion.

death march

run

After the wedding, Sansa meets Super Scary Ramsey in his bedroom for her first official deflowering. (Too bad she doesn’t have Tyrion’s magical cock with her. It would come in extremely handy at a time like this.)

fallen angel

Ramsey, being a sadistic bastard, forces Theon/Reek to watch, as he savagely rips the back of Sansa’s dress, and violently enters her from the rear repeatedly. Her cries of anguish can be heard throughout the room, as the screen fades to black.

crying theon

crying sansa

Unfortunately, there will be no mercy for Poor Sansa. At least not right now . . .

But if Joffrey’s death was any indication, something tells me the inevitable murder of Ramsey Bolton will be both absolutely disgusting and glorious to behold. No one messes with Darth Sansa Stark and lives to tell the tale.

Until next time . . .

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Battle Scars – A Recap of Game of Thrones’ “Kill the Boy”

finished battle

*wishes he invested in a better pair of gloves*

War wounds . . . we all have them. Even the luckiest among us, won’t make it to adulthood without earning a few. Some are visible, like childhood skinned knees that inevitably lead to lifelong scars, black eyes, bruised cheeks, that scaly makeup they’ve been putting on Shireen’s face, and, more recently, Jorah’s arm, not to mention whatever the f*&k happened to that poor dude in Mereen burned in half by Dany’s dragons this week . . .

shireen

Other wounds are less visible, but no less painful. They fester beneath the surface, subtly coloring our every word and gesture, preventing us from trusting and loving too easily, shielding us from a life lived to its fullest, out of fear that we might be hurt again . . .These are the kind of wounds that turn the once brazen and cocky Theon Greyjoy into the pitiful, stinky, silent and sexless Reek . . . and innocent sheltered Sansa Stark into Darth Sansa, the kind of girl who would willingly stick her tongue down middle aged creepy Littlefinger’s throat and like it.

This week on Game of Thrones, Dany feeds her dragon kids a gourmet lunch. Greyworm lives to be ball-less another day. Jon Snow grows a pair. Sansa comes to terms with just how badly her life sucks. Tyrion grudgingly acknowledges the perks of being held hostage.

no wine sad tyrion

And everyone gets covered in battle scars, some more visible than others . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

In which Dany’s Dragons Learn to Share, and Wish Their Mom a Happy Mother’s Day . . .

While a concerned, but relieved, Missandei hovers precariously over a wounded, but still living, Greyworm’s bedside, Dany and Daario stonily mourn Ser Barristan’s corpse, which, thankfully, doesn’t have those creepy googly eyes on top of it, like they put on all the dead bodies in Kings Landing. So tacky! But Dany doesn’t seem so much sad, as she does SUPER PISSED OFF!

Dany-heart

“I will cut a bitch.”

“I feel like scaring the sh*t out of some rich people,” says Dany. “Round up all the heads of Mereen’s wealthiest familes, so I can dangle them in front of my dragon kid’s faces, and make them soil their golden tighty whities.”

“But I’m filthy rich, and have golden tighty whities,” whines Hizdahr, a.k.a the guy whose talked about nothing but reopening the fighting pits ad nauseum, since episode 1. BOO-RING!

“Then, I hope you didn’t eat a big lunch,” remarks Dany, blithely, as her guards seize his smug ass.

Shortly, thereafter, Dany’s collection of rich assholes is assembled around her in the dragon pits.

unhappy rich men

“A good mother never gives up on her children,” speechifies Dany, as the quivering, quaking mass of rich folk hover precariously near Dany’s patiently waiting sort-of progeny, wondering which one of them is about to become dragon kibble.

dont_wake_the_dragon

SPOILER ALERT: It’s the fat bald guy!

burn dude

Extra cookies for all who called it.

Daario pushes the poor unfortunate soul into the pit, where Dany’s dragons promptly steam fry him, and expertly carve his body in half, so they each can get a meal. If you ignore the whole gross burning body thing, it’s actually kind of adorable.

watches

“All men must die,” remarks Hizdahr, feigning bravery, despite the fact that he is now wearing poopy pants.

“Yeah, but not today,” offers Dany blithely. “My dragons have already had a large fat bald man for a meal. And I don’t want them to get chunky. Because nothing is worse than having chunky dragon kids. Maybe tomorrow.”

Message sent and received, Dany. Mess with the Queen, and end up the expertly carved-up Lean Cuisine for two svelte dragons . . .

In which we hear the episode title . . .

kill the boy

Back at the wall, Samwell is reading to Maester Aemon news of his relative Dany. It’s boring news that fails to mention her making rich men sh*t themselves by feeding a fat baldie to her dragon kids. Talk about burying the lead! Apparently, there is no TMZ in Westeros . . .

Jon pops by to get advice from the Maester on a decision he’s about to make, that’s going to make him super unpopular with the rest of the Knights Watch, who used to like him a lot, because he’s really ridiculously good looking.

jon snow speeching

“I also have spectacular hair.”

“Kill the boy, and let the man be born,” explains Maester, winking at the camera, in the way people do, when they’ve just given out a slogan they know will become popular, like “Trix are for kids,” “Campbell Soup is Mmm Mmm Good,” and “WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS?!”

Emboldened by having just murdered his inner Toys R’ Us Kid, Jon approaches Ginger Tormund about forming an alliance between the Watchers on the Wall and the Wildlings to fight against those creepy white walkers that zombify babies for sh*ts and giggles. “We can offer your Wildling Folk shelter for your women and children, a fleet for your travels, and the right not to end up a creepy baby zombie, if you fight by our side.”

“I’ll get my people to join forces with you,” relents Tormund, “But only if you travel with me to visit them, because you are so damn sexy.”

“Curse my good looks,” mutters Jon Snow, but he ultimately agrees.

At the Wall Watchers meeting, everyone thinks Jon’s idea of allying with those smelly wildlings sucks, except, of course, for Samwell, because Samwell likes everything Jon says and does. As everyone yells at Jon Snow, Stannis mutteringly corrects all the Wall Watchers’ bad grammar, proving himself to be the nerdiest contender for the Iron Throne ever!

less enemies fewer

Jon Snow has a harder time justifying his decision to his apprentice, young Olly, whose entire family has been butchered by Wildlings. “You know nothing, Jon Snow,” says Olly, more or less. “Also, you suck and I hate you now.”

It’s always lonely at the top, isn’t it Jon Snow? Especially, when you’ve murdered your inner child, just because some old guy told you to do so . . .

And Jon Snow’s lonely days are about to get even lonelier, especially now that his surprise bromantic buddy Stannis Baratheon finally ships off with his men toward Winterfell . . .

sad snow

With Friends Like These . . .

Speaking of Winterfell, Darth Sansa’s friendly wash basin lady reminds her that she still has friends in the North, and that if she lights a candle at the top of the highest tower, they will come and kick some Evil Bolton ass on her behalf.

sausage player

Sorry ladies, he’s taken!

Speaking of Evil Bolton ass, Ramsey is naked and porking the kennelmaster’s daughter, Myranda, who is clearly psychotic JUST LIKE HIM! She whines that Ramsey will be marrying Darth Sansa and not her. When Ramsey accuses her of being jealous and boring, she attempts to prove that she isn’t either by biting a large chunk out of Ramsey’s lip. So sweet! Clearly, these two are a match made in smelly flayed body heaven.

bitten ramsey

Further wishing to metaphorically pee on Ramsey’s leg, so Darth Sansa knows that hot psycho piece of man meat is taken, whether or not she becomes his wife, Myranda finds Sansa on the grounds and passive aggressively Regina George’s her by complimenting her dress in a way that is clearly not sincere. Then, Myranda takes Sansa into her crazy Cujo dog kennel, it is there that Darth Sansa reunites with the artist formerly known as Theon Greyjoy, aka the guy she thinks killed her brothers Rickon and Bran.

sansa and myr

ugliest eff

Darth Sansa is understandably shocked by Theon (now Reek’s) disheveled appearance, obvious brain damage, nauseating scent, and the fact that he literally lies down with dogs. The look on her face when she sees him is one of pity and disgust, mixed in with anger.

watches sansa

“This is so not cute.”

Needless to say, Darth Sansa is having a really shitty day. And it’s about to get much worse. Because, she’s about to have dinner with her new family . . .

Meet the Boltons

sansa and ramsey

You know it’s a bad dinner party when the happiest person at the table is the dead pig you are about to eat.

“It must be strange for you, being here,” Walda Frey, Roose Bolton’s wife offers conversationally to Darth Sansa as the new family sit down for dinner.

“It’s not strange, this is my home,” corrects Darth Sansa. “It’s the people that are strange.”

Bam! Touche! Sansa.

Ramsey, the guy who flays men and cuts off balls for a hobby, and considers getting his lip chewed off by a woman foreplay, really doesn’t like being called strange, so he brings Theon/Reek to stink up the table and traumatize poor Sansa. (Whoever thought Sansa would come to miss the days of being married to that Little Sh*t Joffrey.) Ramsey forces “Reek” to apologize to Sansa for “killing her brothers,” then invites the guy to give her away at the wedding as her “closest living relative.”

lovely evening

Because nothing says familial bonding like the fake flaying of your baby brothers.

Even for the detestable Roose Bolton, Ramsey’s treatment of Sansa seems a bit grotesque. So, the father lashes back out, announcing proudly that Walda is pregnant with his legitimate son. Ouch! First Ramsey got his lip chewed off, now there goes his balls. It’s a painful day for everyone involved.

have baby

Later, Roose waxes poetically to Ramsey about the fond memories he has of raping Ramsey’s peasant mother, after killing her husband. “When this woman came to my door with a baby, I was going to throw you in the river, because, let’s be honest, most babies are complete garbage, but I took one look at your Crazy Eyes and knew you were my son.”

ramsey and roose

Eat your heart out, Stannis and Shireen Baratheon! Two can play at the Father’s Day Hallmark card game.

Roose follows up this romantic and inspirational story with a confession to his son. He knows that Stannis is marching toward the Iron Throne and wishes to take the North on his way. “Help me keep the North, by brutally murdering as many people as possible, and hanging their flayed bodies around our house for decoration, and I promise to love you more than the new garbage baby,” Roose offers gallantly.

If I were Darth Sansa, I’d be lighting those “Help Me” candles at the watchtower right about now . . .

A Match Made in Poopy Pants

Having literally scared the rich people of Mereen shitless by feeding one of them to her kids, Dany begins to take steps to solidify her rule in a more reasoned way. She visits a truly petrified Hizdahr in the dungeons to inform him of the good news. It turns out, she’s decided to reopen the fighting pits after all, but only to “free men.” (Considering everybody in Mereen is technically free now, it isn’t really much of a compromise, but details . . .)

Hizdahr-zo-Loraq-S4-EP-03

“Does this make me Father of Dragons? Is that even biologically possible?”

Also, she’s going to marry Hizdahr. Because nothing says romantic proposal like visiting someone in prison and saying “Marry me, or I’ll have your body torn apart limb from limb by a pair of dragons on a strict calorie restricted diet.”

Jorah Gets a Bitchin Tattoo

on the boat

“Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily, merrily merrily, life is but a disfiguring disease.”

Riding toward the lost city of Valyria, which admittedly pretty gorgeous, with its dazzling ruins, green grasses, and crystal clear waters, Jorah and Tyrion experience their first ever bonding moment post-kidnapping, despite the fact that Tyrion is woefully sober during it. They even recite a poem about Valyria together. Between this, Stannis’ grammatical corrections at the Wall meeting, and Samwell Tarley getting all hot and bothered over books earlier in the episode, this may very well be the nerdiest episode of GOT ever!

reading is fundamental

more you know

We interrupt this dramatic poetry reading and scenic tour of someplace pretty in New Zealand to bring you, DROGON THE DRAGON!

Drogon dragon

tyrion watches

surprised monkey

ALSO A GREYSCALE-AFFLICTED STONE MAN ZOMBIE!

fighting stone man

scared baby gif

Ladies and gentlemen, things have just taken a turn for the weird.

Jorah battles the Crazed Stone man, trying hard not to touch him, because, apparently, Greyscale gets transmitted like cooties. Meanwhile, Tyrion jumps off the side of the boat, his hands still tied together. Ultimately Jorah defeats Old Stoney and rescues Tyrion from drowning, YAY!

dancing ty

But he somehow manages to get Greyscale Cooties in the process. Boo!

greyscale gross

“I was going to get an ‘I heart Dany’ tattoo, but I guess this works too.”

Poor Jorah! All the guy wants to do is win a date with the Mother of Dragons, and he gets a deadly, disfiguring, mind ravaging disease for his troubles. He should have stuck with Westeros Match.com . . .

And that was “Kill the Boy” in a nutshell. Until next time, my friends!

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