Writing Wrongs – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “Best Laid Plans”

look at the door

Fiction writers wield a great power over the characters in the stories they create. These characters’ happiness, their futures, their entire ability to continue existing, rests at their writers’ fingertips. Consequently, the relationship between an author and his or her characters is one built on trust.

no one gets to decide

The best writers learn to listen to their characters . . . allowing these fictional, but very real-seeming, individuals to dictate their own stories in ways that feel most true to them. And when an author fails to heed the true intentions of one of its characters, that character won’t be shy about letting the author know exactly how she feels about the decisions made on her behalf.

darken your heart

unsavior the saviro

Show me the fiction writer who claims never to have been slapped around a few times by one of her characters, and I’ll show you a liar . . .

Once Upon a Time has always spent a lot of hot air debating the nature of good and evil. The characters who make the “right” choices are considered “good” and are rewarded. The characters who make the “wrong” choices are considered evil and are pooped upon . . .

But what happens when a character wants to make the right choice and her author takes that choice away from her in order to tell a “better” story?

This week, Once was all about the battles characters engage in daily with their unseen authors. It featured good characters being bad, and bad characters trying to be good . . . also unicorns . . .

unicornicopia

. . . dragon eggs, and some guy named Walt . . .

walt

Let’s review, shall we?

You can check out the rest of this recap HERE!

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Things that Make You Go, “Ahhhhh! Ahhhh!” – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “Poor Unfortunate Souls”

640_OUAT_Queens_of_Darkness_Ursula

Once upon a time, a sweet little mermaid named Ariel dreamed of walking on land, so she could get laid by a hot human prince.

names ariel

It’s not exactly the most heroic of Life Goals, is it?

This week on Once, we learn that you can’t judge a man by the size of his (ahem) ship, or a hero/villain by his or her chosen happy ending.

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Extreme Makeover – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “Enter the Dragon”

presto chango hook

No offense to Robert Carlyle, but this is pretty much the Worst Makeover Ever . . .

Regina pledges to the Sorority of Evil, Rumpel proves just how two-faced he can be, and Pinocchio is growing up way too fast in this week’s Once Upon a Time Continue reading

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The Kids Are Not All Right – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “Unforgiven”

"So, Snow White gets to keep two kids and a hot husband, and I get stuck with nothing but a funny looking hat and blue balls."

“So, Snow White gets to keep two kids and a hot husband, and I get nothing but a funny-looking hat and little blue balls.”

When people say, “Love makes you do crazy things,” they tend to be talking about romantic love . . . the kind of love that gives you butterflies in your tummy, a warm gooey feeling in your heart, and that awkward tingly sensation in your pants.

ouat 4.2 hook squee

But what about the love a parent feels for his or her child? The kind of love that only develops when a little tiny human enters your world and, at least for the first two or three years of its life, is totally and completely vulnerable, relying on you for even the simplest of life’s necessities, including pooping.

scared baby gif

If romantic love can make you do crazy things, well then that kind of love should have the power to render you damn near psychotic.

This week’s installment of Once was all about the great lengths parents will go to shield their little ones from darkness . . . even if that darkness happens to be coming directly from the parents themselves.

oh spit

Also this week on Once . . .

. . . everybody gets away with lying to Emma, whose bullsh*t-detecting magical power seems to have been on the fritz ever since she started dating the flying monkey back in Season 2.

Alcoholism... making ugly flying monkeys look like Captain Hook since the beginning of time...

Alcoholism… making ugly flying monkeys look like Captain Hook since the beginning of time…

. . . Belle gets a little tongue action from someone whose name most certainly does not rhyme with Bumplebiltskin.

OUAT Rumple yells

. . . Snow and Charming act shady and start (or continue, depending on how you look at it) sucking at life.

ouat 4.2 charming battle

. . . and a plot is hatched for Regina to infiltrate Regina George’s Army of Skanks Maleficent’s Queens of Darkness, thereby indicating that I’ve been genuinely onto something with all my shameless Mean Girls references this season. (Never pegged the Evil Queen as a Cady Heron though . . .)

"You're like really pretty."

“You’re like really pretty.”

Let’s review, shall we?

You can check out the rest of this recap HERE!

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Bad Girls Club – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “Darkness on the Edge of Town”

mean girls

Who’s the evilest of them all? Three new contenders for the crown arrive in Storybrooke, but the true winner is someone you’d never expect…unless you saw the promos

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And They All Lived Crappily Ever After – A Recap of Galavant’s Episodes 7 and 8

buddies

It seems like only yesterday (because it more or less was) that we first met Galavant (a singing, pungent-smelling, chicken-loving hero, who looked his absolute best when naked and wet and/or wearing hoodies).

hoodie

Since then, we’ve ventured with him on a four-week journey to win back the heart of the b*tch he inexplicably loved, and rescue an obscure, sparsely populated kingdom from the clutches of an “Evil” King who was supposed to be The Worst but was actually The Best.

shoot with cross

And now here we are at the stunning conclusion of a show that will very likely not be renewed, given its fairly abysmal ratings and the fact that ABC had the genius idea to air its second episode opposite the Golden Globes . . .

lost it galavant

But hey, at least we’re guaranteed to get a happy ending right?

mad var

OK . . . well, not like a totally happy ending (they need to save some conflict for the rare chance we actually get a Season 2), but some things will surely work out for the best, won’t they?

not giving up

Like the mutually attractive Galavant and Princess Lots-of-Last-Names will get to begin their courtship in earnest ?

shakes head 2

Orrrr . . . Gareth and King Evil Dick will belatedly admit their love for one another and rule their glorious kingdom side by side?

shakes head 3

Umm . . . the odious Madalena will finally get what is coming to her?

no emotions

Galavant will get to have his long-awaited Hero Moment?

sad rump

Everybody will get to eat more chicken?

majorly dancing cook

Well . . . one out of five ain’t bad! Let’s review shall we?

You can check out the rest of this recap here.

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Xanax Makes Everything Better – A Recap of Galavant’s Episodes 5 and 6

gervais

Ladies and gentle donkey turds (Madalena’s words, not mine), we have arrived!

arrival

After two weeks of Medieval musical foreplay, and countless songs about lady who-ha’s and male ding dongs, Galavant has finally reached his rousing CLIMAX!

inhales

This is the moment we’ve all been waiting for! The episode where our hero, and the guy who is supposed to be the villain but is actually MY FAVORITE, meet again in (sort of) epic fashion and prepare to do battle for the heart of . . .

. . . this b*tch . . .

maddy

Also this week . . . more guest stars . . . like the guy who made fun of all those Michael Jackson songs in the 80s . . .

Weird_Al_Yankovic_Greatest_Hits_Volume_I

And the British version of Steve Carrell’s character on The Office . . .

dildo

But most importantly, Daisy from Downton Abbey . . .

lumpy

Playing the part of . . . well . . . Anna from Downton Abbey . . .

So reign in your horses and hold on to your drawers, because even the cook gets lucky in this hour . . .

You can check out the rest of this recap here.

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