Scott versus The Paperback – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Required Reading”

cant read at all

Throughout the seasons of Teen Wolf, Scott McCall and his wolfpack have battled numerous formidable enemies . . . and the Alpha Pack, which was totally lame, obviously.  They have fought Evil Alphas, Kanaimas, Daraches, Berserkers, and a really grumpy-old man, always ultimately reigning victorious.

funny face grandpa

But now, Scott McCall must face down a new evil, one much more terrifying than all the rest.  And that evil is . .  . a paperback novel at a fourth-grade reading level!

4 4 derek zooland

As a recapper who regularly joked about the thinly-veiled illiteracy of Scott and his wolf pack, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel mildly vindicated by the fact that Jeff Davis and co made this into an actual plot point.  Let’s put it this way, of all the main characters in this series, the only one who was actually able to finish that crappy dimestore novel without taking a break for “naptime,” was the one who spent half her young life, eating roadkill and sh*tting in the woods . . .

deer eat

But what really made Dredd Doctors: A Novel so horrifying, at least to our characters, was not that it was simply “too hard” for our heroes to comprehend (because it was!), it was the memories that attempting to read it brought to the surface of each of the main characters’ minds . . . (none of which actually had to do with the Dredd Doctors, like they were supposed to . . . but hey, why mess with a formula that works, in order to do something as silly as advance plot , right?)

nodding oh yeah

That’s right Werebangers. “Required Reading” was this season’s “Motel California,” and “Party Guessed.” Like these two previous episodes, which, in my mind were two of the strongest in the series’ history, “Required Reading” utilized (though not quite as successfully as its predecessors) a mixture of hallucination and repressed memory to illuminate aspects of our characters’ (like Lydia and Stiles) psyche that wouldn’t necessarily be evident at first blush.

hallucinating

They also made Scott look like an even bigger doofus than usual. . .

no idea what im doing

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always a special thanks to Andre for all the awesome screencaps you see here.  Without them, this recap would probably as much fun to read as Dredd Doctors: A Novel .  . .]

Digging up those HOLES

The cops find eight holes dug up on the football field, and Sheriff Stilinski thinks they each represent new chimeras, i.e just enough freaks of the week for each new episode of this season.  “Though in some episodes, we will probably have to double up on freaks, so everyone on Team Chimera gets a chance to play,” the Sheriff Muses.

I, on the other hand, think Shia LeBeouff dug up those holes, as part of his juvenile delinquent sentence, after he was falsely accused of stealing some sneakers that fell on his head .. .

digging holes

holes

The Sheriff and Malia then helpfully recap our past freaks of the week, by literally X’ing out pictures of their faces with red marker a la Emily Thorne from Revenge.  Excluded from this board is that creepy black-faced guy from the premiere, because he is not an attractive Abercrombie-model looking teenager, and Teen Wolf, therefore, would like you to forget he existed.  Or, if not forget he existed, at least forget what he looked like . . .

Donovan is hot and young enough looking to be included in this list though!

impaled

Sheriff S wants to put an X over his nemesis’ face, but can’t because he hasn’t seen is corpse yet.  And he hasn’t seen his corpse yet, because our Friendly Neighborhood Naked Garbage man has already converted it to Evil Tree Fertilizer.  “Every horror movie ever has taught me that ‘no dead body’ equals ‘no dead teenager,” Sheriff S helpfully offers.

no sharpie

“That’s generally true, except for those situations where said dead teenager, gets made into a shishkabob by a falling ladder part, and his innards erupt into a puddle of grey goo,” mutters Stiles under his breath.

on the board

“What?”  Sheriff S and Malia ask.

“I said ‘I’m really hungry for shishkabobs, and I love you too,” replies Stiles.

Then Stiles pees in his pants, because his continued guilt over this asshat’s death is essential to the plot, even though it was totally done in self-defense, and if his dad had watched him do it, he probably would have cheered him on . . .

on the board

ep 8 stiles dad hug fyeah

Briefly during this scene, the characters pose the question of what the chimeras have in common, that makes the Dredd Doctors seek them out, when they are still human.  My theory . . . they’ve all had organs removed  / transplanted.  But more on that in a bit . . .

Punch me if you are horny, baby

orgy face

“Oh, I know, it hurts so good, baby! So good!”

Half naked, Parrish and Lydia, get hot and sweaty together to pop music under the guise of “jujitsu training.”  The lessons don’t go particularly well, because every time Parrish tries to disarm and take down Lydia, she feels the need to sigh amorously and nuzzle her head into his neck.  And he feels the need to take a break so he can sniff her hair and fondle her breasts.

marrish 1

Apparently, all this foreplay somehow managed to transform Lydia into the badass ninja we saw in the season opener.  I suspect this is because Parrish transferred his ninja powers to the banshee by infusing them into her boobs, while the two were getting to second base .  . .

marrish 2

Mid nipple tease, Lydia gets a Dredd Doctor flashback of some sort, which totally turns her off to future sex acts . . . er . . . I mean “martial arts training” with Parrish.

Don’t worry, Parrish.  I hear bursting into flames on top of a corpse encrusted evil tree is a great cure for blue balls . . . better than cold showers and a self-inflicted hand job, even!

phoenix parrish

blue balls

Scott McCall’s Book Club for Kids Who Can’t Read Good

cant read kira

words disappear

Scott’s entire Scooby Gang meet to read the Dredd Doctor book together, while laying on top of one another on the couch, because apparently reading is contact sport in Scott McCall’s world.  It’s also exhausting, obviously, because after reading exactly two pages a piece, everyone falls asleep.  I suspect this is because most of the crew’s idea of “reading” is doing this . . .

https://youtu.be/O35j9pKAmmo

(Kira, at least has an excuse, according to Mason, because foxes are like soooo illiterate.  Everyone else is just dumb and/or lazy.)

sleepin stiles sleepin

Once the group is safely comatose, Theo helpfully changes into his “I am Evil” t-shirt, grows a black mustache from his baby face, so he can twirl it malevolently, and creeps up to Kira’s bedroom, so he can leer over her for a few minutes like a child molester, and tape her sleep talking with his iPhone.

creeper watch

“Hey Scott,” Theo says to his new/old pal the next morning.  “You don’t know this, but while you were passed out last night after an excruciating  twenty minutes spent sounding out the word ‘Doctor,’ I went up to your girlfriend’s bedroom and dry humped her while she was unconscious.  Does that bother you at all?”

taping

“No, should it?”  Scott inquires, clearly confused.

(Other things that confuse, Scott: sneakers that come with shoe-laces instead of Velcro, double-sided tape, and doors that have the word “Push” written on them, even though they have handles . . .)

“Cool, well, I also taped her pillow talk, and then typed what she said into Google Translate.  It turns out her and her fox costume want to murder us all!”

kira mode

“Dude, you are so racist.  Not every phrase in Japanese automatically means, ‘I want to murder you all.  Only like 95 % of them do!’” Scott retorts.

“Did you hear me, Scott?  I said I found it on Google Translate.  And Google Translate never ever takes sentences out of context, or attributes to them American meanings that don’t jive with what they actually mean in other countries!”  Theo argues.

“Oh . . . well, in that case, I hate Kira now.  She is evil, and we are totally breaking up,” responds Scott.

ephemeral

“Then, you won’t mind if I have sex with her then, me being secretly evil, and really sh*tty at hiding it and all?  I think we’d be a good love match.”  Theo muses

“Didn’t you already have sex with her last night?”  Scott asks.

“No, we just dry humped . . .” Theo offers.

“OK then, be my guest,” replies Scott.

“Thanks, you are the best!” Theo responds, before heading off to the gym to corrupt and steal Stiles’ girlfriend too!

Obligatory Shirtless Scene in 3 . . . 2 . . .

takes off evil shirt

In the school gym, Theo sees Malia coming to visit him, and quickly disrobes, so that he can hypnotize her into submission with his sexy man nipples.

theo shirt off

“I think I’m supposed to be having a conversation with you about how I’m lying to my boyfriend about how my mom, the desert wolf, killed my adoptive mom, but I am too intoxicated by the smell of your man musk, and the way your pecs look covered in sweat to really concentrate on what’s being said in this scene,” says Malia.

watchin

“Mwah-hahahaha,” Theo laughs evilly, wishing he didn’t have to be naked for Malia, so he could put on his ‘I am Evil’ shirt again.  (How else will Teen Wolf fans realize this guy is up to no good, if they aren’t reminded of it every three seconds?)

her face

That Will Teach You to Read Books!

see it

Now is the part of the episode, where our main characters get punished for trying to be scholarly.  First up is Lydia.  While helping a fellow student, who she thinks is a chimera, but who actually just suffers from trichotillomania (Google it!) . . .

hair pull

. .  she flashes back to a time when she accidentally walked into Eichen House to find her grandmother bleeding in a tub, after having supposedly drilled a hole in her own head.  (Though based on the scene where the Dredd Doctors threaten to do the exact same thing to Lydia, Poor Grandma might not be entirely responsible for her own mutilation.)

the grandma drill

“They are coming for us, Lydia.  They are coming for us all,” Grandma warns ominously.

I guess it’s pretty obvious why someone would want to repress an effed up memory like that, am I right?  I mean, seeing your grandma naked?   YIKES!  But also the “hole in head” thing . . .

What’s interesting about this hallucination is that it actually tells us quite a bit about why Lydia might have subconsciously been hiding her own intelligence in the first season or so of the series.  We all assumed she did it to be popular.  But, perhaps, there was a part of Lydia that took her grandmother’s terrifying warning to mean that she should cover up those things that make her different from others (i.e. her genius IQ, her banshee powers, etc) at all costs, or risk being persecuted, or worse, hurt, for it . . .

Speaking of Lydia’s banshee powers, after hearing the name of Liam’s love interest chanted during one of her hallucinations, and seeing the gory operation done by the Dredd Doctors on this week’s nameless freak of the week, Lydia figures out that she is somehow able to tap into the memories of other chimeras.

hearing

So, Lydia inexplicably gets new powers every week that have absolutely nothing to do with her being a banshee, which makes her Super Girl, basically.

In other heartbreaking hallucination news, Stiles remembered a time when his mother, suffering from dementia caused by a brain tumor, tried to jump off a roof, because she was convinced that Stiles, who was only ten at the time, was trying to murder her.  She even attacked Stiles when he tried to confront her.

stiles crying trying to kill

Up until this point, we’ve heard bits and pieces about Stiles’ mother’s illness and subsequent death, while getting hints that Stiles felt somehow guilty or responsible for it.  (A perfect example of this was his hallucination during “Party Guessed.”)  However, this is the first time all those pieces are finally put together.

Clearly, there’s a part of Stiles that subconsciously wonders if his mother was right . . . if there is something in Stiles that is inherently wrong or bad.  This part of Stiles may have been what made him such an easy target for possession by the Nogitsune.  It also may explain why Stiles is so wracked with guilt over the part he played in that dirtbag, Donovan’s, death . .  .

he and mom

In Which Liam Appears to Be On a Completely Different Show Than Everyone Else . . .

While the rest of the cast is suffering from identity crises caused by violent hallucinations, Liam is making googly eyes at new love interest Hayden, while he practices lacrosse, and she inexplicably practices soccer two inches away from him, because, apparently, Beacon Hills High only has one sports field left, after the other one became infested with chimera birthing holes.  Isn’t that . . . like . . . dangerous . . . or something?

kicking ball lacrosse swat wathin

Speaking of dangerous?  I bet you all have been losing sleep at night wondering why Love Interest Hayden “hates” Liam.

You haven’t?  Well, too bad.  Because I’m going to tell you, anyway.  Apparently, Liam got into a fight with someone at school, tried to punch him, and accidentally punched Hayden, so her picture for the sixth grade year book was all jacked up.

nose pic

Why does Mason still have Hayden’s sixth grade yearbook picture on his cell phone after all these years? That’s just weird . . .

I get it.  I mean, it’s totally understandable that Hayden would vow vengeance against Liam for life.  After all, your sixth grade yearbook photo is the most important photograph you will ever take in your entire life . . . aside from your wedding photo, and your graduation from high school photo, and your graduation from college photo, and your “I just had a baby” photo, and your EVERY PHOTO YOU’VE EVER TAKEN AFTER THE AGE OF TEN!

During this episode, we also learn why Hayden needs money so badly that she’s whoring herself out as a bar wench every night at the local gay club.  Apparently, she had a kidney transplant, and the medication she needs for it costs $200 a bottle, which she hopes to repay her sister, who is footing the bill.

and sis

So, Hayden is incredibly good at kicking balls, and vain, and poor.  “She must be a chimera,” Liam decides for no reason whatsoever, as he heads to the club to eye screw her some more and pay her back for knocking over her glow sticks a few episodes ago.

(Actually, Hayden’s kidney transplant might actually indicate that she’s a chimera, as evidenced by the fact that according to her sister, she’s suddenly no longer taking her medication, yet experiencing no ill effects from it . ..)

Also, there’s the little fact that Hayden’s eyes get all ghostlike under a blacklight . . .

her eyes

Speaking of chimeras, we meet another one at Club Cinema.  (The Dredd Doctors must really like the gays.)  Did you catch him?  He was the one that complained to Hayden that his glo-stick burned out, then proceeded to effect the electricity of the entire town, by repeatedly eating electric wires, everywhere he went.

his face

Dude! Just buy a flashlight, and be done with it . . .

wasnt me

We’ll talk more about this week’s Freak in a moment.

But first . . . we must talk about how much Scott sucked at life, this week . . .

True Alph-Failure

Sleeping on the job again . . .

Sleeping on the job again . . .

While attempting to sign a drop form for his AP-Bio class, Scott, like Malia, Lydia and Stiles before her had a hallucination about a memory from his past.  In the memory, Scott was attacked by a pack of wolves (who murdered his dog, Roxy?) and it caused him to have his first asthma attack.

sad scott dog leash

Unlike his friends’ hallucinations, Scott’s says nothing at all about his psyche.  It merely notes the irony that a wolf attack initially brought on Scott’s asthma, and a wolf bite cured him of it.

Did I say cured him of it?  Because, apparently, much like herpes, Scott’s asthma is back . . .

Immediately sensing through Pack Mind that his Wolf Daddy is having an asthma attack, despite the fact that Scott has never had an asthma attack in the entire time Liam has known him, Liam rushes to offer Scott an inhaler from a classmate.

Of course, Scott is too dumb to save his own life, so Liam has to go all wolfy on his ass to get him to take a puff in front of a ton of students, possibly blowing his cover as a werewolf in the process.

scott and liam wakes up

In other Scott fail news, at the hospital, a Dredd Doctor crushes Scott’s pilfered inhaler, and he proceeds to lay on the floor and take the abuse like a b*tch, forcing Malia and his own human mother to fight his battle for him . . .

malia fight kick bbox grab kick

“We should never have read that book,” Scott exclaims, as he is cowering in the corner of an elevator like a toddler.

Sure, Scott.  Blame “reading” for your problems . . .

Meanwhile, on a roof somewhere . . .

R.I.P. Electric Wire Eating Guy.  We barely knew ye . . .

yellow eye

If Scott is a failure at life, Stiles fails at luck.  I mean, the poor guy can’t even have a good old-fashioned traumatic hallucination from his past, without his life being put in danger once again.  Stiles awakens from the memory of his own mother attacking him to find Electric-Wire Eating guy doing the same thing.

scared stiles

Fortunately, Evil Theo arrives just in time to quickly and brutally murder Electric Wire Eating Guy, like it’s no big thing.  (Take note, Stiles!)  As we know, most werewolves eyes turn perma-blue after they commit a murder, but Theo’s stay gold, indicating that he might be a chimera as well.  “Don’t tell Scott about my chimera murder, and I won’t tell him about yours,” Theo promises Stiles.  “You can trust me.”

attack theo

bloody hand

“But you are wearing an ‘I am Evil’ t-shirt, drinking blood and murdering a tiny puppy with your bare hands while we are having this conversation,” Stiles muses.

“Yeah, but I’m attractive,” responds Theo.  “And everyone knows that hot people are always honest.”

dont say

“Works for me,” replies Stiles, as he shakes the devil’s bloody paw.

And that was “Required Reading” in a nutshell.  Until next time, Werebangers!

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Don’t Wanna Be Your Monkey Wrench – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “A Novel Approach”

read the book

more you know

The problem with supernaturally “gifted” do-gooder heroes like Scott McCall, is that they tend to be a bit boring judgey. There are only so many times one person can vanquish the Big Bad, sacrifice his safety for that of the group, rescue the helpless, rally the troops, mentor the naïve, and champion the misunderstood, without it going to his head . . . without the hero starting to believe that everyone he cares about must live by his rigid moral code, or else.

scott dog dishBack in the early seasons of Teen Wolf, Scott McCall was a character who was still figuring things out. He struggled with violent impulses toward his adversaries, as he managed his new wolf-like temper. He battled with lust, and found himself giving in to temptation with Lydia, even though Stiles was in love with her. His pride kept him on the lacrosse team, despite the fact that his superhuman strength gave him an unfair advantage against most of his teammates and opponents. And Peter’s seductive offers of power, made him seriously consider turning to the darkside, on more than one occasion.

baby scott

bad scottNow, in Season 5, Scott McCall is a different animal (pun intended) entirely. He’s even-tempered, virtuous, unfailingly loyal and almost monk-like in his incorruptibility (except for that one episode where he wore a bear mask for ten minutes, but we don’t need to get into that). Alpha Wolf Scott McCall’s world is a 1950’s monochrome. Everything is either good or evil, black or white. There is no in between.

trust scott

Unfortunately, for Saint McCall, his pack mates still reside within the shades of grey. They recognize that some people can’t be trusted, and aren’t worth saving. They understand that there are some times when good ends are justified by bad means. They are unmistakably human in mind and spirit, even if not entirely in body. And it is that flawed humanity that is throwing some serious monkey wrenches into Scott McCall’s plans to Save the World from the Dredd Doctors.

works in progressAnd, in the case of Scott’s bestie, Stiles, this just happened to come in the form of an actual monkey wrench. . .

stiles car

This week on Teen Wolf, everyone’s favorite Naked Garbage Man makes another pickup. Malia continues to confirm every bad stereotype that ever existed about female drivers. Third Eye guy becomes, Just Some Middle Aged Dude with a Hole in His Head. And Kira confirms her suspicion that electrocuting one’s boyfriend truly is the best form of foreplay.

Let’s review, shall we?

nodding oh yeah

Very Superstitious

As if we needed any more confirmation that the superstition stating that it’s bad luck to walk under a ladder is 100% true, Teen Wolf proudly presents . . .

The Not So Tragic Death of Donovan . . .

more impale

I gotta say, as cold opens go, this one was one of Teen Wolf’s stronger submissions. I mean sure, unlike the typical Teen Wolf open, where a character we’ve never met before is put in peril, and we are legitimately uncertain as to whether they will live or die, Stiles’ surviving this “hand with a mouth drawn on it” mauling . . .

tuna helper

. . . was not in question here. And yet, despite that, Dylan O’Brien’s ability to silently (apart from some seriously heavy breathing that seemed in desperate need of an inhaler) convey Stiles’ utter terror, as Donovan tracked him from the car to the library, his impulsive decision to use the monkey wrench to loosen the screws on the ladder nearest to the one he was ascending, and his conflicting feelings of guilt, horror, relief, and even a slight bit of satisfaction at Donovan’s gory demise at his own hand, was riveting to watch.

watching scared running stiles

Also, let’s face it. Some people in this world just deserve to be made into a human shishkabob.

impaled dies

shish

Then, we get to the part where Stiles calls 911 to report the dead body, and returns to the scene just seconds later, only to find it scooped up by our Naked Garbage Man. (Who just so happened to be wearing clothes this week. What’s the fun in that?)

body walk

So, now we know that Naked Garbage Man doesn’t just retrieve bodies, carry them to the Nemeton, and burn them out of existence with his hot bod, he also cleans up crime scenes like a champ.

Clearly, Parrish is much better at his Naked Garbage Man job than his cop job . . .

donovan dead

But it does beg the question, of how Parrish got there so fast.   Do the Dredd Doctors have him on speed dial? Does the playing card with Lydia’s face on it scream at him, banshee style, whenever he needs to pick up a new corpse? (Typical nagging cardboard girlfriend!)   Does he just hang around Scott and Stiles, knowing that these guys are pretty much guaranteed to produce a supernatural corpse in the cold open of every episode?

terrifiedMore importantly, does being a Naked Garbage Man come with a 401K plan?

Scott McCall’s Book Club

Having already read all the books in the 50 Shades of Grey series, including that astonishingly bad one from Christian’s perspective, Scott’s wolf pack decides to read something a bit more relevant to their lives . . . that book about the Dredd Doctors they stole from Now-Dead Tracey’s house! Kira kindly offers to make a photocopy of the darn thing, which, anyone who has ever tried to photocopy a teeny tiny soft cover paperback will tell you, is pretty much the most mind-numbingly awful job ever. (No wonder she electrocuted Scott later in the episode, to get him back for making her do it.)

kira mode

SO MANY PAPER CUTS!

“If you want to be in our pack, you have to participate in our book club,” Scott tells Theo, in no uncertain terms, as he shows him the copy of the Dredd doctor book.

book

“Wait, you guys are in a book club? But I thought you were all virtually illiterate,” Theo wonders out loud.

“Malia and I are virtually illiterate,” Scott explains. “But Stiles is only illiterate when he’s void Stiles, and everyone else can read to us just fine. Lydia even does these really great character voices, which make me giggle. Do you do character voices, Theo? Because you will be much more likely to get into the pack if you can.”

“Hey check out the back page of this book,” Theo demands, as he laughs maniacally and winks at the camera.

“Why?” Scott asks, flustered. “Nobody reads the acknowledgement page in a book, except the people being acknowledged, because it’s basically the book equivalent of the boring part of Oscar acceptance speeches, only without the pretty dresses and manufactured tears. I’m a functioning illiterate, and even I know that.”

ephemeral

Theo rolls his eyes. “Look, it’s imperative that you read the acknowledgement page of this book, read Dr. Valack’s name on it, and go visit him in the mental hospital, because he wrote this book, and my bosses, the Dredd Doctors, need you to see him, for reasons.”

tells them book worked

“But if he wrote the book, why didn’t he put his name on the front cover, as the author?” Scott question. “This way I would absolutely read it, unlike the acknowledgement page, which nobody reads.”

“Whatever, Scott,” Theo replies exasperatedly. “Just do what I say mindlessly, and leave the thinking on this show to the smart characters like Stiles and Lydia. I’ve got to go worship the Devil, torture some live puppies, and brainwash Malia into being my loyal sex slave. Peace out.”

When Something is Lost, Always Consult Your Fox Costume . . .

Later that night, Scott and Kira are sleeping together, because Kira’s parents think there is absolutely nothing wrong with their only minor daughter sharing a bed with her werewolf boyfriend, and are not at all worried that she will one-day wake up to find she’s given birth to a litter of were-fox babies, who will ruin her young life. (Note: Scott’s mom would probably be bothered by this, but, seeing as she’s the only nurse / anesthesiologist / coroner / doctor / sometime surgeon left alive in Beacon Hills, she works 24-hours a day, and hasn’t been out of her scrubs since approximately 1996.)

sad mom

“If I think really hard, I can still sort of remember a time when I used to get laid . . .”

Kira starts speaking Japanese in her sleep, and Scott appears totally turned off by it. But, of course, he has to pretend he’s not turned off by it, because being turned off by it most probably makes him a racist.

Later, when Kira’s ugly ass belt (seriously, that thing is hideous) goes missing, she asks Scott to look at her with his red hangover eyes to help her find it. When Scott turns on his Creepo-vision, he sees Kira’s fox head (which looks oddly bear-like for a fox, no?) helpfully pointing out the belt’s location for Scott.

pointing at beltUmmm . . . so basically, this was the writers’ clever way of illustrating that Fox Kira and Kira-Kira aren’t the same entity? So Fox Kira knew where the ugly ass belt was, but Kira-Kira didn’t? If so, why didn’t Fox Kira just tell Kira-Kira where the ugly ass belt was, instead of going through Scott’s Creepo-vision?

Anywhoo, Kira now has her belt. And they all can live unfashionably ever after . . .

Driving Miss Crazy

Because Malia used to be a mental patient at Eichen House, and could possibly decide she likes it better in the nuthouse where she had a better haircut, than at Beacon Hills, if she returns, our sassy were-coyote isn’t invited on the pack’s Journey into Evil this week.

insanity and death

Instead, she is stuck reading that crappy book, into which the author nonsensically inserted himself into the Acknowledgement page. “Hey, Malia, want to ride my car?” Theo asks, looking so shady as he confronts her, that he might as well be curling an evil black mustache, and strangling an angel child with his bare hands, as he speaks.

“Is that a euphemism for sex?” Malia wonders, as Evil Theo not-at-all subtly undresses her with his eyes.

“Absolutely, but I’d like you to almost murder me in my own car, before we sleep together, just to make sure we really like one another,” responds Theo.

driving together

In Theo’s car, he tries to impress Malia with how not frightened of death he is, by instructing her to speed, and drive with her hands at the bottom of the wheel, like she’s a pimp in a rap video. Because everybody knows that those who are incapable of driving like “normal” people are always the absolute best at driving like “cool people.”

(This reminds me of the time when I was learning how to drive, and my dad instructed me to do it by resting my knees on the steering wheel only. Basically, I think he just wanted to take the piss out of my mom, who was in the backseat at the time, clutching the armrests for dear life. . .)

huh face

Inevitably Malia goes into her usual PTSD mode, and nearly crashes the car, only to have Theo, inexplicably, roll out of the car on top of her, so he can “stare lovingly into her eyes.”

love bug

This time, however, Malia actually remembers a useful piece of information during her fourth traumatic brush with death-via-motor vehicle of the year. “Hey, my evil mother shot at my adopted mom and sister, the day I thought I turned into a were-coyote and killed them inside the family car. This makes me potentially innocent of murder! It also means my parents are even more despicable humans than originally imagined!”

shooter

chillin pete

Eichen Louse

Though Stiles was once a mental patient just like Malia, and is clearly experiencing PTSD, himself, from that one time earlier this episode when he murdered a dude, he still decides to accompany Lydia to see Dr. Valack, because he luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuves her. (Which is totally cool by the way, because sex between Malia and Evil Theo is inevitable this season, obviously).

not going without

I like how Lydia recognizes immediately that something is up with Stiles, and that he is injured and sad, lets him know that she knows, but doesn’t judge him or press him for information until he’s ready to talk about it. She instinctively understands that he needs to be there for Lydia, while they do this, just as much as Lydia needs him.

those two pretty good

This, when Scott, who has been friends with Stiles for way longer, is completely clueless . . .  so clueless in fact, that he “confides” in his friend, that he thinks Kira might be turning into a terrible person, because she almost killed the evil scorpion thing that was trying to murder them all at the Random Dancing night club.

“Ummmm . . . maybe she did it in self-defense?” Stiles offers, hopefully, as he contemplates telling his friend about his own dalliance with freak-of-the-week murder.

self defense justif

“No way,” responds Scott. “All murderers deserve to rot in hell for the rest of eternity. Now, what was it you wanted to tell me earlier? Something about you and Donovan?”

Stiles whistles uncomfortably, as he, Scott, Kira and Lydia enter Eichen House.

Once inside the nuthouse, Kira is immediately forced to take off her hideous belt, so it doesn’t frighten the mental patients with its ugliness. Then, Scott and Kira learn that they can’t cross into Valack’s chamber, because it’s protected by mountain ash, and they are supernatural creatures. (Not sure why Lydia wasn’t kept out too, seeing as she’s a banshee and all, but . . . details.)

remove belt

“Hey Third Eye Guy,” Lydia and Stiles begin conversationally. “What’s up with this crappy book, you wrote, but pretended you didn’t, by writing your name on a page of it that nobody will read?”

“I wrote it so you crazy kids would remember the Dredd Doctors, and how the last time they came to Beacon Hills, they gave you all anal probes, and made you bark like dogs, for five straight hours, just for fun. Oh yeah, and then they buried a bunch of teenagers in holes, and turned them into Wuzzle Killing Machines.”

the cell havent read

“Ha, joke is on you,” responds Stiles. “Because Lydia and I are the only people in Beacon Hills who know how to read.”

“Hey, can you do me a favor?” Third Eye Guy asks. “Scream into this tape recorder, Banshee, so I can press it against the glass holding me in this cell, shatter it, and escape.”

stydia protect

“But if I’m screaming in front of your cell, won’t that break the glass anyway, without the tape recorder?” Lydia wonders out loud.

“Oh, absolutely, but this makes it way more dramatic,” Third Eye Guy Explains.

Meanwhile, out at the entrance to Eichen House, Kira is starting to short circuit, and the electric currents she shoots out of her body, totally screw with Eichen House’s security system, allowing the Dredd Doctors to enter, as was their original plan.   Scott carries Electric Kira to safety, suffering severe burns all over his body in the process.

sparkin

bigger carry

“Hey, I remember I told you I loved you in last week’s episode!” Scott exclaims.

i remember

“Glad all it took was an electrocution to get you to recall something you said less than 48 hours ago,” replies Kira. “Just be thankful you are pretty.”

Inside Eichen House, the Dredd Doctors extract Third Eye Guy’s third eye, immediately converting him from somebody cool, into just some dumb schlub who doesn’t understand that no one reads the Acknowledgement page on books.

in walk

“Now, the party don’t start, til we walk in!”

Then, now Boring Two-Eyed Valack plays the tape Lydia made for him about ten minutes ago, and her scream from the recorder, breaks the glass of his cell, even though her scream in real life did not. He escapes into the night, rendering the population of Beacon Hills just a bit more filled with crazy-eyed insane-os than it was at the beginning of the episode . . .

cat one eye

Until next time, Werebangers!

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Random Dancing – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Condition Terminal”

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Brings new meaning to the term “fire crotch.”

If you were a child of the 00s (which I wasn’t . . . I just have really juvenile taste in television) you undoubtedly remember the television show iCarly.  And if you remember iCarly, you undoubtedly remember the segment of the show called Random Dancing.   In case you don’t remember it, or have no clue what the heck I’m talking about, it went a little something like this . . .

So, why am I bringing up iCarly in my Teen Wolf recap introduction? Well, because Random Dancing is pretty much the best metaphor I can think of for this particular episode. It was colorful. It was musical. It was kind of funny (though not necessarily intentionally so). It featured characters dancing. And each individual scene seemed to have very little if anything at all to do with that which came directly before or after it.

ephemeralThis is not to say that I disliked “Condition Terminal.” (After all, Random Dancing has always been one of my favorite parts of . . . that and Freddie, because Freddie is awesome). I just didn’t entirely “get it.”

no idea what im doing

Anywhoo, this week on Teen Wolf, Parrish got a second job moonlighting as a Naked Garbage Man.   Kira began to exhibit signs of kitsune PMS.  Some guy got a bunch of boners on his arms from making out with Mason (How embarrassing!).  Scott continued to fail at life.  And Stiles continued to fail at the art of motor vehicle maintenance (and looking behind you when some guy is about to maul you with the weird mouth thing imprinted on his hand).

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always all the awards go to Andre for what will undoubtedly be the best part of this recap . . . the pictures.]

On Card Tricks and Dating Dealbreakers

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I don’t know about you, but when I have a crush on someone, the first thing I do is have playing cards made up to look like that person, so I can do this card trick where I pretend to repeatedly burn and unburn their faces off.

burn faceJust kidding. I don’t really do that. Because that would be creepy . . . Parrish!

helping parrishThe episode begins with everyone’s favorite occasionally-burns-while-naked Deputy, laying on the couch playing with himself and his “Lydia is my Red Queen” playing cards.

lydia smirk

Wait, that didn’t come out right.   What I meant to say is . . .Who am I kidding? That is exactly what I meant to say.

Anywhoo . . . while Parrish is “playing” he thinks back to a time in the not-so-distant past when Lydia tried to hypnotize him with her beauty, so he didn’t realize she was burning off his hand with her lighter.

parrish eyes

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(Wow, teenage foreplay has really changed, since I’ve been in high school.)

Lydia’s plan ends up backfiring, however. Because Lydia’s beauty, coupled with the fact that Parrish is probably a Phoenix, makes Parrish’s skin impervious to flame. So, the only one who ends up getting burned is Lydia, herself.  We’ve all been there, am I right, ladies?

“Hey, what were you thinking about, when I was trying to burn off your extremities for sh*ts and giggles?”   Lydia inquires conversationally, after this super fun game is over.

“Oh nothing,” replies Parrish, “except for the recurring ‘dream’ I have, which is obviously reality because all dreams on this show are real, of wandering around naked carrying dead bodies to a big ole tree stump and incinerating them with my hot bod. I’m not going to tell you about the whole incineration via hot bod part, because then you won’t want to sleep with me anymore. Oops, I just said that out loud didn’t I?”

dead par

“Don’t worry, Parrish,” Lydia reassures her meathead of a new beau. “If you watched the first four seasons of this show, you would know that I pick my lovers based on the fact that I have an obvious death wish. Case in point: my last three boyfriends, were a sociopathic Alpha Wolf, who murdered his pack leader, and spent half a season trying to murder my best friends, a psycho Alpha Wolf who made me drug all my friends at my birthday party, and conduct a ritual to bring him back from the dead, and a psychopathic lizard, who murdered six or seven complete strangers, and paralyzed a few of my friends, because this random kid told him to do it. You’ll fit right in!”

flirting with lyd

Adventures in Sociopathic Dentistry

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“What’s a guy gotta do to get a little laughing gas around here?”

Speaking of sociopaths, graduate schools in The Land of Teen Wolf Big Bads must be really good, because the Dredd Doctors, somehow, managed to go to medical school and dental school at the same time! Their dentistry professor? This Guy!

Thanks to whatever the heck it was the doctors injected into Donovan (who the doctors have conveniently broken out of jail, by the way) last week, they are now able to pull out all of his “baby teeth,” and Wendigo fangs immediately sprout in their place.

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“The ladies are going to love these! You know what they say about guys with big teeth, don’t you? Swollen gums!”

Donovan also gets a second set of Wendigo fangs on his wrist, because you never know when you’ll get really hungry, while your first mouth is otherwise engaged . . .

Hey, look it’s the Not-So-Secretly-Evil New Member of Scott’s Pack, Theo! He’s come to visit Donovan, and tell him to kill Stiles, to get back at Sheriff Stilinski for making him flunk Deputy school . . .

emotional pain

Hey, not to go against Aria’s brother from Pretty Little Liars, Donovan, but shouldn’t you be thanking Sheriff Stilinski? Because last I checked, unless you happen to be moonlighting as a Naked Garbage Men of Wuzzles like Parrish, being a deputy in Beacon Hills is pretty much a first class ticket to the morgue.

Then again, so is being a Wuzzle in Beacon Hills, so you are pretty much screwed either way.

sad wuzz

Sorry Bumblelion!

Here’s my theory. I think Theo is going to “save” Stiles from Donovan, next week, thereby earning him formal membership into Scott’s pack, and a direct ability to turn all Scott’s friends against him / steal his true Alpha powers . . .

But I’m getting a bit ahead of myself. Let’s go back to the sheriff’s office and clean up the pile of drool that became of last week’s Wuzzle, Tracey.

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In Which You Get Your Weekly Lesson in Totally Random Mythology and Not Particularly Scientifically Accurate Genetics

Not to start a shipper war, or anything, but I’m totally starting a shipper war.

Anyone who thinks that lunkhead Parrish is a better choice for Lydia’s main squeeze than Stiles, please observe this silently subtle scene where a devastated Stiles reacts to seeing Lydia stabbed in the stomach, and bleeding out on the floor, and Lydia bravely assures him she’s OK, so he can carry out his pack duties with Scott.

scared stiles lyd is ok sad stilesYeah, yeah, I know Stiles and Malia are supposed to be totally MFEO (Made for Each Other), and the werecoyote is gradually growing on me as a character. But still!

Not-So-Secretly-Evil Theo rushes in to tourniquet Lydia’s wound, which earns him some grudging respect from the clearly-smitten Stiles, as was intended.

Meanwhile downstairs, Malia is trying to convince everyone she didn’t kill Tracey. “Look, she’s drooling that silver crap, and no part of her is eaten. If it were me, I would have nibbled on her drumstick thigh, because it’s the tastiest part of a wuzzle. Much more flavor than the arm. Just saying. It was those Dredd Doctor things that killed her.”

did not doBecause they don’t want to alert Beacon Hills to the existence of Wuzzles, Scott’s pack decide to take Tracey’s gross dead body back to Deaton’s office, where he can give a parting boring monologue about genetics, before he skips off to star in a few episodes of The Walking Dead.

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“Look, it’s my baby teeth! I saved them in a jar, because I’m adorable . . . and because I have way too much time on my hands.”

“The fact that Tracey was able to cross the mountain ash, and has the body parts of two past supernatural villain creatures on the show, means she’s a genetic freak, not a supernatural one,” Deaton explains.

“Are you saying that an adult’s genetic code can be altered at will by injection? Because that sounds like kind of crappy scientific logic,” the pack muses.

“To be honest, I have no f&*king clue what I’m talking about. But because I talk like Yoda, I must be right,” responds Deaton. “Off to chill with some Zombies on AMC. Toodles!”

thriller-dance_o_GIFSoup_com

Later in science class, Scott’s awful AP Bio teacher, whose probably going to end up being Malia’s mom, or something, conveniently teaches Scott about wuzzles, calling them “chimeras,” but I think wuzzle is a better name for them, personally.

She goads Scott into picking up a drop form for her class, and then seems sad, when he actually takes her advice.

Women . . . sheesh. I am one, and sometimes I don’t understand us . . .

Jujitsu? I Hardly Know You!

Back at the hospital, Lydia day dreams that she is a victim of the Dredd Doctors, while she’s in surgery for her belly wound. But, obviously, it’s real, because, like I said earlier, dreams on this show are always real.

the docs

Then, Parrish creepily watches her sleep, envisions burning her face off with his finger, like he did with the playing card that looks like her, and offers to teach he jujitsu, because . . . plot reasons.

Aren’t Crime Scenes Sacred Anymore?

Meanwhile, Malia sashays into Tracey’s house, and thumbs around her personal belongings, because, in Beacon Hills, crime scenes are easier to get into than R-rated movies, and admission is free!

unsure malia

There, she comes across this book, which isn’t actually a real book, by the way. I know, because I checked . . .

In other Malia news, she decides to put her search for her mother on hold, to help her pack mates with Beacon Hill’s Wuzzle Problem.

erase desert

Awww, our little werecoyote is putting other’s needs before her own. She’s all grown up!

In fact, she’s the most grown-up almost 30-year old playing a teenage girl, since, well, all the other almost 30-year olds playing teenage girls on this show . . .

Twerking with your Wuzzle of the Week

Elsewhere in Beacon Hills, Jeff Davis decides he hasn’t done a gay nightclub / techno dancing sequence yet this season, and so we get Club Sinema.

sinema

Apparently, just as we’ve all long suspected, nearly every male in Beacon Hills conveniently happens to be a homosexual . . .

. . . including Brett . . .

brettand boy

random dancing

. . . and Mason . . .

intense

. . . and our wuzzle of the week, Lucas, whose cover is totally blown, when his arm boners, accidentally flay his boyfriend . . .

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Also at cinema is Scott’s Mini Me, Liam, and his love interest, who got a job working as a bar wench at an over 21 night club, despite looking about 12, because she’s “poor” or something . . . also because the bar owner is probably a pedophile.

the gum chewer

Lucas’ arm-boner problem gets him into trouble, once again, when he’s making out with Mason. Fortunately, help is on the way. En route to the scene of the soon-to-be crime, Scott tells Kira he loves her, because no place is a more romantic place for a straight couple to exchange “I love yous” for the first time, than outside the gay nightclub, where your friends are possibly being murdered.

love you oh my

Scott and co easily disarm Lucas, because, apart from the whole arm boner thing, he’s really not that bad of a guy. I mean, sure he made his boyfriend’s arm look like bacon, but he apologized for it! In short, Lucas just wants what every teenage gay boy wants, to hide his sexual dysfunction long enough to get laid.

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Nighty night!

Then, Kira turns all Powderpuff girl again, and tries to kill Lucas, for no good reason whatsoever. Fortunately, Scott stops Kira from doing this just in time, and looks at her with these seriously judgy eyes. “Hey Kira, you’ve been acting like kind of a b*tch lately. Is it your time of month?”

kira mode

“Hey Scott, didn’t your mother ever tell you not to blame a woman’s emotions on PMS?” Kira scolds.

“Yeah, sorry,” Scott apologizes.

“Just kidding. It’s totally PMS. And I’m going to try to murder you in your sleep every night for the next three-to-five days,” Kira adds with a giggle.

vlcsnap-9611-02-01-04h40m20s018Then, the Dredd Doctors murder Lucas for no discernable reason, whatsoever.

“Hey, why did you do that?”   Scott asks dumbfoundedly. “He was kind of hot.”

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“Because we are the bad guys, duh!” The Dredd Doctors reply, before exiting stage left.

Back in the morgue, Scott is sad about Lucas’ untimely demise. “I should have saved him,” he complains to his mother.

“Stop shoulding all over yourself,” Scott’s mom replies.

“Hey, I stopped pooping the bed when I was ten,” Scott argues.

“I said ‘shoulding’ you dummy,” Scott’s mom answers. “What I mean, is stop beating yourself up. If you weren’t absolutely terrible at your job of saving your friends from horribly excruciating supernatural deaths, you wouldn’t be my son.”

happy mom

“Awww! Thanks mom!” Scott responds.

More Naked Parrish? – Jeff Davis says, “Your Welcome.”

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Later that night, Naked Garbage Man of Wuzzles, steals Arm Boner Lucas from the morgue, carries him to that big ole tree stump that was a big plot point a few seasons back, and burns his body to ash.   Meanwhile in Hell, Darach Jennifer cries, because if she had a Naked Garbage Man helping her out during her season, she might still be alive and humping Derek Hale today . . .

darach

Bummer!

In Which Stiles Gets One Hell of a Hickey

In the final scene of the episode, Stiles fixes his broken down jeep with tape, because he, like everyone else on this show, has an obvious death wish.

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Then Donovan comes with that extra mouth on his hand, and uses it to place a rather large hickey on my favorite character’s neck.

vlcsnap-8078-07-24-12h38m35s736How exactly are you going to explain that one to your girlfriend, Stiles?

Until next time, Werebangers!

random dancing

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Little Miss Kanaima Be Wrong – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Dreamcatchers”

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“Heading to Old Navy. I hear they are having a sale on performance fleeces . . .”

If you’ve been watching Teen Wolf this season and thinking to yourself, “You know what this show needs?  More wuzzles!”

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Than this is the episode for you!

Last week, the mysteriously appearing and disappearing at will, rain slicker and gas mask wearing “doctors” made a wuzzle out of sleepwalking Tracey.

trac wolf

This week, we got to see Wuzzle Tracey in action . . . also a new wuzzle was born .  . .

Also this week, on Teen Wolf, Malia learned to drive, a wuzzle prevented Papa Stilinski from being laid, Liam spent more time in a hole, someone took over Derek Hale’s role as most objectified male on the show, and something super gross came out of Tracey’s backside .  .  .

Let’s review, shall we?

but first

Special thanks to Andre for all the spectacular screencaps you see here.

Mystery Date

He’s single, Ladies!  Nearly a week after removing his widower wedding ring, Papa Stilinski finally bit the bullet and made himself a Tinder profile.

got haircut

RIGHT SWIPE!

But since there are only three women over the age of 30 still alive in Beacon Hills, his options are rather limited .  . .

Also limited for Sheriff Stilinski .  . . his free time.  There is nothing like planning a date twenty minutes after you’ve just finished receiving death threats from a prisoner you are having transported to lockup, to kill your boner dead . . .

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Fortunately, Stiles is on hand to lighten the mood, instructing the death threat maker to try making the threat using a Christopher Walken voice instead.  Because even bad news is positively hilarious when its delivered by Christopher Walken.

funky

Along for the ride with the non Christopher Walken sounding prisoner is now-Wuzzle Tracey’s dad, who also happens to be his lawyer.  “Hey, I don’t like Sheriff Stilinski either,” Tracey’s dad admits.  “He totally stole my best opportunity for a Tinder date.  This town is a complete sausage factory.  I’m really considering becoming a homosexual.”

We interrupt this commercial for Match.com to bring you TRACEY MURDERING EVERYONE, INCLUDING HER OWN DAD!

Only the prisoner, Donovan, manages to escape, which I would care more about if he was able to do a decent Christopher Walken voice, like Stiles suggested . .  .

The Wuzzle-Making Doctors find Donovan and stick a drill in his ear, because maybe he has really bad ear-wax build-up?

vlcsnap-9290-09-18-20h01m46s355 Perhaps, with cleaner ears Donovan will be able to do better Christopher Walken impersonations when threatening Papa Stilinski.  And that would be a win-win for everyone . .  .

She Drives Me Crazy

As has already been established in previous episodes, Malia is terrible driver, who experiences PTSD panic attacks of the time she killed her adopted mom and sister in a car by coyote-ing out on them, every time she gets behind the wheel.

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Because of this, Lydia and Kira decide it would be an absolutely fabulous idea to take her driving in the middle of the night on a dark public road, with no street signs, where the chance of her inadvertently murdering someone is at its absolute highest.

Supposedly smart Lydia is obviously not thinking clearly.  I blame ear-wax build-up.  Maybe she needs a cleaning from the Wuzzle making doctors, like Donovan got.

During the driving lesson, Lydia gets a feeling that someone has just been murdered, and instructs Malia to drive them to the crime scene, so she can run all the dead people over with her car . .  .

Just kidding.

This is when our trio of ladies come upon dead Tracey’s dad.  Ruh-roh!

Up above the scene, Creepy Theo is watching the scene, and looking creepy, while a blinking neon sign over his head saying “I’m the Bad Guy,” follows him wherever he goes . . .

creeper

with the hammer

Scott gets called to the scene to find the now missing Donovan, and does a backflip for no logical reason whatsoever.  (Perhaps, backflips help wolves to find criminals who are bad at doing Christopher Walken impressions, and have really clean ears.)

no idea what im doing

The Inner Circle

Back at the police station, Deputy Parrish notes that, in addition to killing her dad, and mortally wounding two officers, Tracey also killed her shrink.  “I’ll call Scott,” responds Sheriff Stilinski.

“Hey, did you ever notice that the teenagers solve all the crimes on this show, while us law enforcement folk stand around with our thumbs up our asses waiting to get murdered?” Parrish muses.

“Whatever, I have a date to get prep for,” responds Sheriff Stilinski.  “Go stick your thumb up your ass, your responsibilities for this episode are over.”

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At school, after heeding the call from Sheriff Stilinski, the Scooby Gang hold a pow-wow regarding what they should do about Murderous Wuzzle Tracey.

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“Hey, not that I’m one to judge girls who unwittingly kill their family members while in an animal state, but we should totally kill this b*tch,” offers Malia.

“We can’t .  . . there’s still 40 minutes left in this episode, and she’s pretty much all that happens during it.  If she croaks, we might as well all go home and play with our X-Boxes and/or jerk off,” explains Scott.

“Intense,” says Mason, about ten times during this conversation.

intense

“Da f*&k is this guy?” Stiles wonders out loud.

inner circle inner circle 2 no

“He’s you,” Liam offers.

“I’m a gay black teenager?”  Stiles inquires, clearly confused.

“He’ll become the new human / comic relief / heart of the show, after you become a big movie star, and stop wanting to hang out with us MTV teenyboppers,” Liam clarifies.

“Intense,” adds Mason.

intense

“OK, but he’s gotta work on his vocabulary,” Stiles insists.

“Hodor . . . I am Groot .  . . Intense,” responds Mason.

hodor

groot

“That’s a start,” Stiles offers.

Scratch and Sniff

Liam finds Wuzzle Tracey sitting in the back of his history class with really gnarly bare feet, and tells Scott using his wolfy telepathy.

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Even though Tracey is a senior, is not supposed to be in Liam’s history class, and seriously looks like she is tweaked out on some heavy duty drugs, Kira’s dad doesn’t notice anything at all out of the ordinary . . . probably because he’s an adult, and pretty much all the adults on this show are morons.

“Hi I’m Liam’s love interest, and I’m new to the show.  You look like you are new too.  What’s your name?”  Liam’s love interest asks Tracey.

“Die,” responds Wuzzle Tracey, only she says it in Wuzzle language, so you can’t understand her.

“I can’t die.  I told you, I’m Liam’s love interest, which basically means I’ll be Kira in about two seasons,” Liam’s love interest explains.

the gum chewer

“Fine,” relents Wuzzle Tracey. “Then, I’ll just scratch you, which is supposed to paralyze you, because, spoiler alert, I’m a kanaima, but will have no effect on you whatsoever, because you are something super natural, because as a rule Teen Wolf 2.0 can only have one human main character and that slot is already taken by Mason.”

“OK, just don’t scratch my face, or else Liam won’t think I’m pretty anymore.  He seems really shallow,” responds Liam’s love interest.

Then, Wuzzle Tracey scratches the arm of Liam’s love interest, and passes out on the floor in a puddle of her own silver drool.  SO EMBARRASSING!

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“Keep pulling gross sh*t like that, and you will never get a love interest on this show,” warns Liam’s love interest, as she rushes off to reapply her lipstick.

Scott carries Wuzzle Tracey to Deaton’s office for a veterinary examination, and Stiles and Malia come along for the ride.

“OK, she drooled grey stuff, which made her look ugly, so she’ll never have a love interest on this show, which makes her useless as a character by MTV standards.  Now can we kill her, pretty please?”  Malia begs.

kill her

“No, because there are still twenty minutes left in the episode, and it has no B plot.  So, we have to let us put all our lives in mortal danger first,” Scott insists.

so depressing

“Twenty minutes, that’s not a lot of time,” explains Deaton.  “Why don’t I speed up the process, by locking you and Malia in this room using mountain ash, so you can’t escape her, and needlessly slicing into her spine under the guise of ‘research.’”

“Cutting into her spine?  Won’t that kill her, in a way that’s way more cruel and painful than the lethal injection I suggested?”  Malia asks.

(Clearly, Malia stole every other characters’ “smart pills” this week, because she’s the only one who seems to be having rational thoughts.)

“Possibly,” admits Deaton.  “Or it could result in a really gross special effect, where a lizard thing crawls through her back, turns into a tail and explodes through her butt, paralyzing us all in the process.”

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“Intense,” offers Mason.

intense

“You’re not even in this scene.  SHUT UP!” Scott, Stiles, Malia and Deaton shout out in unison.

Long story short, Wuzzle Tracey is apparently a kanaima a la Jackson, only she’s conveniently immune to mountain ash.  So, after her butt explodes into a tail and poops paralytic juice all over half the cast of Teen Wolf, she escapes.

Now, everyone is taking a nap on the floor of Deaton’s office.

“It’s all you, True Alpha,” Deaton offers.  “Go save the world from Wuzzle Tracey and her murderous paralytic tail poop.”

“Maybe later, I’m tired,” explains Scott.  “Malia can go.”

devast

“On it,” replies Malia.  “I bet Tracey’s too busy murdering people, she hasn’t had time to shower since last week.  She must be ripe.   I’ll smell her from ten miles away.”

So Many Holes, So Little Time

fell in hole

Meanwhile, Liam and Mason go visit Buddah Werewolf / Playgirl Model Brett for no logical reason, other than to ogle his sexy man boobs.

brett pose

“Intense,” Mason says, because what else would he say?

intense

“I just remembered that I found a necklace that time I fell in a hole, and it was wuzzle Tracey’s.” Liam explains.  “I didn’t pick it up, because being inside a hole reminded me of my love interest . . . also the movie Holes starring Shia Lebeouf.”

holes

Liam, Mason and Brett go off to find Liam’s hole, which isn’t nearly as much fun as it looks.

They end up finding a hole, but Wuzzle Tracey’s necklace isn’t inside, so it isn’t Liam’s.  It’s somebody else’s hole. How embarrassing.

so depressing

Liam and Brett speculate that there are holes all over Beacon Hills and SOMEONE, aka the Doctors, are burying people in them . . . possibly after they turn them into Wuzzles.

(You know who isn’t in a hole?  Donovan.  He’s in jail, but now his eyes look like the drool coming out of Tracey’s mouth.  That must have been some serious ear cleaning he had.)

“Intense,” says Mason.

intense

Somebody buy this guy a thesaurus, or at least a vowel.

Strike a Pose

After a quick breaking and entering to Tracey’s house, Lydia and Kira decide that kanaima Tracey is a homicidal somnambulist, who doesn’t know that her dream self is purposely targeting everyone who helps her . . . including Lydia’s mom . . . who is now on her date with Stiles’ dad.

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(P.S. The actors are married in real life.)

At the same time, Malia smells stinky Wuzzle Tracey, and the whole cast, except for Stiles, Scott and Deaton, who are still napping, reconvene at the police station.

Wuzzle Tracey paralyzes some officers, from her perch on the ceiling of the police station, Sheriff Stilinski looks up and says, “What a cock block!”

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Kira tries to battle Wuzzle Tracey with her samurai sword, but because she sucks at sword play, Wuzzle Tracey stabs Lydia with her tail.  Then Kira inexplicably becomes the red Powerpuff girl and strikes model poses for what seems like ten minutes, before slicing off Wuzzle Tracey’s tail.

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powerpuff

Tracey hates Powerpuff Girls, so she decides to blow this popsicle stand, dragging Mama Martin to the basement of the police station with her.

Malia follows after Wuzzle Tracey to have a staring contest with her.  This is smart plan because everyone knows that homicidal somnambulists suck at staring contests.  “I bet you wish you were dreaming still, but you aren’t and your life really sucks, because you killed everyone who gives two sh*ts about you.  Also, you smell really bad, and can never be anyone’s love interest because you drooled silver and pooped paralytic juice on most of the men in the cast,” explains Malia to a no-longer Wuzzled Tracey.

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“I wanna die,” Tracey thinks to herself, because, wouldn’t you, if this was your life?

“That can be arranged,” says the Doctors, who lethally inject Tracey, while a frustrated Malia looks on.

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“Seriously?  You couldn’t have done that 40 minutes ago, before I became emotionally invested?”  Malia complains.

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Then, the Doctors disappear, because they know they have absolutely no chance to win a staring contest against Malia.

And that was “Dreamcatcher” in a nutshell.

Next week on Teen Wolf  . . . more Wuzzles, and Mason will say “intense” at least 27 times.

See ya then!

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Back to the Effed Up Future – A Brief Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Creatures of the Night” and “Parasomnia”

trac and doc

“Is that a hypodermic needle in your pocket and a scuba hat on your head, or are you just happy to see me?”

Well, Wolfbangers, after what seems like 15 years (but was actually only four), Scott McCall and his rag tag gang of werewolves, banshees, kitsunes and Stiles but not Allison, or Isaac, or Boyd, or Danny, or Ethan, or Aiden, or Derek, or Erica, or Cora, or Jackson have finally made it to their much- awaited senior year. It’s a time for rituals, parties, prom, and graduation. But because this is Beacon Hills, it is, apparently, also a time for Wuzzles . . .

For those of you who are unfamiliar, the Wuzzles were basically children’s introduction into how creepy the wacky world of genetic engineering can be. Hailing from the Land of Wuz, the Wuzzles were crazy hybrids of two distinct members of the animal kingdom with conveniently predictable names (Bumblelion, Eleroo, Rhinokey) and refreshingly unmentioned lineage (because the idea of a bumblebee and a lion porking is not the kind of thing anyone wants to spend too much time thinking about).

Wuzzles2

They also seem to be the new Big Bads’ go-to Modus Operandi . . .a werewolf with eagle talons . . .another werewolf that climbs roofs, picks locks, and eat crows, a werewolf that can steal the powers of a wolf outside of his own pack . . . another werewolf that looks nice enough but ends up being a total douchebag . ..

evil

A werewolf who takes AP Biology despite seemingly not being able to read . . .

ephemeral

A Phoenix (I mean, obviously, Parrish is a phoenix, even though they’ve spent 2.5 seasons pretending otherwise), who fawns over age and situation inappropriate women, and is, unlike the Hufflepuff Hogwarts house in which he so obviously belongs, a really terrible finder.

investigating

In other news, Stiles is finding himself nostalgic for the good old days, which is kind of crazy, because seriously, does he remember how awful the last four seasons have been for him? Like the time he was going to bone a hot chick and, moments later, she got brutally murdered by his English teacher, or that time he turned into an Evil Toilet Paper Head with awful teeth, while rotting in a scary mental institution?

nogitsune teeth

Seriously . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

dance

[As always a special Werebanging thank you to my pal Andre, who provided all the awesome screencaps you see here.]

Flash-Forward

screaming lyd

“IS IT FRIDAY YET?”

Sometime in the not-so-distant future, Lydia Martin is in the nuthouse, a.k.a Eichen House. Being institutionalized has become kind of a rite of passage on this show, seeing as about half of the cast has already done some time (and exchanged bodily fluids) there.

eichen house cover

When we first reunite with Lydia, our girl is just chilling in the shower, just a wee bit lobotomized. (Is that an actual thing? Being a little bit lobotomized? Is that like saying someone is a little bit paraplegic?)

zombie yd

Anyway, she’s staring off into space, and kind of drooling, and doing that whole zombie shuffle step thing, as some unsmiling attendants roughly manhandle her toward her bed deep in the confines of the psych ward. (Why is it that on every show featuring an insane asylums, all the attendants are sadistic sociopaths? Have all TV writers had really bad childhood experiences in nuthouses? Because it would certainly explain a lot.)

shuffle stepthriller-dance_o_GIFSoup_com

So, logically, the unsmiling attendants want to shoot her up with more drugs to “calm her down” or make her OD or whatever.

lyd lookin up injection

Unfortunately, for the unsmiling attendants, for reasons that science and logic most definitely cannot explain, the drugs actually end up having the opposite effect on our favorite ginger banshee. Not only do they totally wake Lydia out of her drug induced stupor . . .

They also instantaneously teach her to become an X-Men Mutant Ninja Warrior . . .

lyd banshee powering lyd kicking ass

(Warning for the Kiddies: Intravenous drug use will not turn you into an X-Men Mutant / awesome kickass ninja.  Do not try this at home .  . . or in your insane asylum, wherever it is you happen to live.)

Unfortunately, all that solid IV drug use is no match for Drippy Ghost Aiden, who is both literally drippy because he is soaked in the convenient downpour that has just overtake Beacon Hills, and metaphorically drippy, because he’s delivering his lines to Lydia as if he’s reading to her the side effects on the prescription label of a bottle of Viagra.

da fuk

“You are so boring. I can’t believe you and I used to bone.”

aiden

The Eichen House folks are done with Aiden’s complete inability to emote too, apparently. . . so they shock Lydia into unconsciousness to put an end to these shenanigans.

taken down

And that’s when she turns into the Hulk AND MURDERS THEM ALL DEAD WITH HER BARE HANDS!

smash 2

Just kidding, this time she just passes out, maybe they should have done that whole taser thing a bit earlier. It would have kept everyone dry, and avoided a lot of hassle. But, hey, hindsight is twenty, twenty, right?

Lydia is brought back to bed, has some really horrible flashbacks of all sorts of terrible things that will, apparently be happening to her friends this season. She then looks on in horror, as a doctor casually contemplates drilling a hole in her skull.

cutting head

“Will drilling a hole in my head mess up my hair?”

Sucks to be Lydia Martin, right?

nodding oh yeah

Unless, of course, the skull drilling has the reverse effect it’s supposed to and Lydia becomes the smartest girl in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD . . .

But first . . .

but first

We have to travel back in time to figure out how everything went to total and complete sh*t . . .

The Wall Flower

While investigating a noise complaint, Deputy Parrish comes upon a man stuck inside a wall, and attempts to free him, which . . . doesn’t exactly end up going as planned . . .

gross guy

“I hate you, Parrish, and your smooth perfect skin!”

For one thing, the man seems to be completely covered in black goo, which completely clogs the pores of the Deputy’s flawless poreless skin, the instant he comes in contact with it. He may even get a pimple. And everyone knows that a pimple-faced Parrish would be the absolute worst thing to happen to Teen Wolf, since Derek Hale stopped having perfectly pointless erotic dream sequences in every episode.

derek dream 2 romy kicks ass

Wolfman has these weird eagle talons that steal Deputy Parrish’s powers . . . you know, the ones he still isn’t entirely aware that he has.

the nais

Someone needs a mani / pedi!

Also they kill him . . .

dying parrish

“I always knew my chiseled good looks would be the death of me.”

BabyScared

Then, Dead Parrish has a wet dream where Lydia sticks her tongue down his throat, and he comes back to life.

making lyd and par

“Best . . . death . . . ever.”

Now, that’s what I call a powerful wet dream tongue. (Is that another unknown banshee power about which we are not yet aware?)

Deputy Parrish’s dubious powers and flawless skin are restored! Hooray!

phoenix parrish

Too bad he’s still kind of crappy at his job (maybe if Lydia has sex with him, she can cure that ailment as well!), as we will see in the second hour.

Bonding with Bondage

bondage with ian

“This is not nearly as much fun as they make it seem in the books.”

It’s Full Moon time in Beacon Hills, which means it’s an excellent opportunity for Scott and Stiles to introduce Liam to the wild and wonderful world of bondage. While little Liam is embracing his own personal Red Room of Pain, Scott and Stiles are waxing poetic about the one thing way more frightening that eagle-taloned pour ruiners, and unsmiling nuthouse attendants who drills holes in your skull. Of course, I’m referring to . . . THE FUTURE!

regression to mean

Stiles worries that the band will break up after high school. He hears his dad’s cautionary tale of his no longer keeping in touch with any of his friends from high school, and it terrifies him. Scott worries that things have been going to well (translation: boring) for him and all his friends during the off-season. So, under the principle of Regression to the Mean, things are going to have to go to hell pretty soon, right? Like, say in the next ten minutes of the show?

Elsewhere in Beacon Hills, Malia is worried her time being home schooled in the woods as an honest-to-goodness coyote has put her so behind in her studies that she won’t be able to become a senior like her friends . . . also that she may get really hungry one day and eat her friends . . . like that time she accidentally ate her mom and sister.

unsure malia

That evening, yet another massive storm breaks out in Beacon Hills (do these people live in a rainforest?), and Kira worries she won’t get to the library in time for the senior ritual of vandalizing it with permanent markers.

Fortunately, Scott is there to suck her face in the middle of the traffic jam / rain storm. How romantic!

majug

Later, that power stealing, eagle talon having, perfect pore ruining demon attacks and almost steals powers from Scott at the school, en route to the Senior Scribe, while all his friends stand around and watch looking vaguely bored. It is, Season 5, after all.  They’ve all been there, seen that.

power steal

“Your skin is almost as flawless as Parrish. Grrr.”

come at me

Eventually, Scott disarms the monster, who runs off crying to his doctor friends in gas masks, who reward him for his generalized suckiness at life by brutally murdering him!

Huzzah! The pores of the men of Beacon Hills have been miraculously saved! Or have they?

Scott & Allison 4 Eva A Few Seasons

aa

Over at the Senior Scribe the whole cast (except for Liam, because he’s a tiny tot, and the parents, because they are old as dirt) write their initials on a library bookshelf in a metaphor for their friendship and pack status. Malia gets to write hers too, because, apparently, being in school for a week of your junior year guarantees you graduation status.

the gang

In a genuinely sweet moment, Scott scribbles the dearly departed Allison Argent’s initials “AA” into the mix, indicating that while Ms. Argent’s body may no longer be fighting supernatural crime with her friends, her spirit most certainly is . . .

dark allison 2 erisaac

“Three seasons as the star of this show, and all I got from you were my initials in lousy permanent marker?”

“Hi, my name is Theo.   I’m the dubiously motivated Shady Hot New Person of this season. (P.S. I’m also evil.”)

theo

Because half of the cast has already left the show, Teen Wolf is in definite need of some tasty and fresh man meat.

Enter Theo, a supposed old friend of Stiles’ and Scott’s from fourth grade — who claims to have been turned into a werewolf during, no joke, a freak skateboarding accident – has heard about Scott’s True Alpha status, and wants to join his pack.

wipe out

Maybe the werewolf bit him, because he hated his dorky hat . . .

Theo’s story, and Theo, himself, are both basically full of sh*t. Stiles and Liam recognize this instinctively, but Scott, being Scott, instinctively trusts Theo. Just like he trusted his English Teacher Jennifer . . . Kate and Grandpa Argent . . . and occasionally Peter Hale . . . and we all know how well all that turned out.

really hot why worried

Detective Stiles a.k.a Batman is officially on the case (with his adorable sidekick Liam a.k.a. Robin, of course)!

theo equals evil

He notices that Theo’s dad’s signature on something he wrote in fourth grade, and something he wrote transferring him to Beacon Hill’s high look crazy different. It’s highly suspicious . . . maybe . . . I guess.

They go on a stakeout!

stakeout with stiles

Which basically involves Stiles and Scott watching Theo put flowers on his dead sisters grave, and Liam hanging out in a hole next to a very suspicious-looking necklace, and not picking it up, despite it undoubtedly being the key to this whole season.

in a hole

“Yeah, because this isn’t a thinly veiled metaphor for my bourgoning sexuality at all.”

fell in hole

“See?” Says Scott. “Theo isn’t a sociopath at all. He’s just your garden variety sexy werewolf . . .”

“Yeah, I’m not a sociopath at all!” Theo insists, when confronted with the mysterious errant dad signatures.

They look the same to me.

They look the same to me.

Then, nice normal Theo does what any of us would do in such a situation, he goes and breaks his “father’s” hand for having such sloppy handwriting.

with the hammer

“Good penmanship is important, dammit.”

Then, he goes into a forest and burns bunnies while dancing around naked and worshipping Satan . . .

Scott McCall: True Alpha Veterinarian

vet scott

“Hey buddy? Think you can help me pass biology? Bark once for yes, twice for no.”

While working at Deaton’s, the owner of one of the dog’s Scott does his weird “arm fondling pain sucking” thing to mistakes him for a vet.

So, of course, Scott decides that this is exactly what he wants to do when he grows up (which, given the fact that he already looks about 30, should happen in a few months).

There’s only one problem. You see, Scott . . . well, he’s not exactly the sharpest wolf-colored crayon in the box. Also, he can’t read all that well, and can’t count higher than 21, and that’s only because he has a weird extra toe.

no idea what im doing

Of course, all that doesn’t matter, when you can cure animals just by feeling them up a little bit. But before Scott can fondle animals professionally, first, he will have to graduate . . . and, apparently, because it is highly plot convenient, take AP Biology, with Lydia, Kira, and Evil Theo.

Liam: Gummy Butt Werewolf

weird face

“Chicks man . . .”

You know what’s adorable? When studly twinks have absolutely no game. Enter Liam, who positively melts into a puddle of teen awkwardness when a lovely lady from his recent past (sixth grade, just in case this show wasn’t making me feel old enough as it is) gives him a healthy dose of side eye, and puts a wad of gum on his seat.

the gum chewer

Apparently, back in the day 10-year old Liam wronged Gummy Girl in some way (maybe by putting gum on her seat), and she never quite forgave him.

disgusted sum gum on butt

Don’t sweat it Liam, that’s how teeny bopper women show their love!

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“Is that a big wad of gum on your pants, or are you just happy to see me?”

In other Liam news, Teen Wolf’s littlest wolf cub was having a bit of difficulty “coming out” as a werewolf to his pal Mason.  So, New Guy Evil Theo decided to help out . . .

the wolf wolfing out li mason knows theo as wolf

Problem solved!

(So, apparently, recently-turned werewolf Evil Theo can turn into a full-wolf, whereas Scott and most of his pack can’t? Yeah, because that’s not suspicious at all . . .

A Feast for Crows

In other new character news, meet Tracey . . . (She’s single!)

vomiting feathers

“They told me it would taste like chicken?”

Her hobbies include having weird nightmares about crows and doctors and occasionally vomiting black goo . . .

But fear not, Tracey. Lydia and Deputy Parrish are going to use coming to your rescue as an excuse to eyef*ck one another shamelessly.

lookout dead birds

“Hey Parrish, can you come to this girl’s house, who I’ve never met before in my life and investigate it for this season’s Big Bad P.S. I’m 18, and basically graduated from high school. I’m only taking A.P. Biology for plot reasons, so I’m totally legal, OK fans?” Lydia inquires.

flirting with lyd

“Sure! I won’t find him, because I’m horrible at my job, but I’d love to stand on a chair and ignore the family of dead crows rotting outside her window, while you ogle my ass,” responds Parrish. “Then, later that night, I’ll camp outside her house, so we can have a booty call there at midnight when you ‘bring me coffee,’ and our squad car will be rocking so hard we’ll totally miss when zombie Tracy wanders off into the wilderness in her PJs.”

dukoff

“Hmm . . . I wonder what Lydia looks like naked . . .”

“Sounds awesome,” replies Lydia. “P.S. I love you because all my previous boyfriends left the show, the writers won’t let me couple up with Stiles, even though I obviously should, and you are pretty much the only single male available, despite your being way too old for me.”

“Works for me,” answers Parrish. “Chances are three quarters of the women in this town will be dead or evil by the end of this season, so I’ll take what I can get.”

flirting 2 with ly

Elsewhere in Beacon Hills, the Doctors corner Tracey and pump her up with some drugs, that make her remember how she broke through her own window and ate all the crows on her roof, yet somehow still managed to maintain her girlish figure. (Possibly from all the black goo vomiting.)

trac wolf

Oh, and they’ve also made her into a werewolf, so there’s that . . .

And that, my friends, was the first two nights of Teen Wolf, in a nutshell.

What say you, Wolfbangers? Why do the doctors keep making Wuzzles? What’s Theo’s deal? Will Scott pass his AP Bio exam? How many episodes before the inevitable Lydia and Parrish hookup? Who the heck is Malia’s mom? Will Liam ever get that gum off his ass?

dancing stiles moon

Until next time . . .

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Sunday Bloody Sunday – A Recap of the Game of Thrones’ Finale “Mother’s Mercy”

dead jon

“Is it Friday yet?”

This week on the Game of Thrones’ season finale, literally everybody and their mother dies. Selyse dies. Myranda dies. Myrcella dies. Meryn Trant dies. Jagen dies . . . but not really. Arya dies . . . but also not really. All these random army people die . . . really. Stannis dies . . . but offscreen, so we aren’t sure if it actually happened. Cersei’s pride dies, and her hair dies (though, I guess, technically, hair is already dead). Jon Snow dies . . . I think . . . maybe . . . but also maybe not.

at least pretty

In related news, the race to the Iron Throne just seemingly got a lot smaller. (My money is on Bran or Rickon winning the big prize, just to punish us all for never giving a shit about them.) Of course, all this death and destruction begs a very important question. If everyone in Westeros is dead except the person charged with leading it, does the Iron Throne become nothing more than just a poorly constructed chair that’s really bad for your back?

sansa on throne

Seriously, no lower lumbar support on that thing whatsoever.

For the last time this season, let’s let the character bloodbath begin, shall we?

In which burning your kid is revealed to not be the lucky charm you originally envisioned . . .

Hey Stannis, the next time you want Lady Luck to be on your side, might I suggest buying one of those fake rabbit’s feet, rubbing the head of a troll doll, or pocketing a four leaf clover. Perhaps, pick up a penny that is face up on the street. Why? Because all these things are a heck of a lot easier to do than burning your child is messy. Let’s face it: burnt kids are messy. Also Lady Luck hates all child murderers . . .

haters gonna

Actually everybody hates child murderers, even, apparently, contract killers with no moral compass, a lesson that Stannis learns the morning after Shireen’s untimely, unnecessary and despicable death, when he is informed that half of his army of sellswords abandoned camp in the middle of the night. You know who else hates child killers? The child killers themselves, like Selyse Baratheon who apparently hung herself out of guilt over her daughter’s death.

anguish

Oh Stannis, when the woman who basically referred to her own child as an abomination ends up being the more loving parent, you know you are officially The Worst.

Though, in this particular case, maybe the Second Worst. Melissandre doesn’t seem to understand why people are so sensitive about the whole “Burning Shireen Because the Fire People Said So” thing. She thinks all these lovers of unburnt children are pansies should buck up.

mel

“The snow is melting, and there is a war to lose miserably with your grossly outnumbered, no longer particularly loyal, army. Gosh darnitt! Get psyched,” Awful Meli explains, doing everything to act as cheerleader to Stannis’ pathetic army, but whip out a pair of pomp oms and start doing cartwheels on the bloody floor.

Casualties: 1

Brienne, you had ONE job . . . well, maybe two . . .

Over in Winterfell, Sansa finally gets the stones to go up to that broken castle on her own, and light the candle signaling for Brienne and Podrick to come rescue her from psycho rapist, ball chopper-offer, Reek-maker, Ramsey Bolton.

thinking sansa

This would be awesome, except that no one is around to see it. You see, apparently Brienne got temporarily distracted by the shiny object that was Stannis’ pathetic and paltry army approaching Winterfell, and ran off seconds before the light appeared.

As for the Bolton / Baratheon war, it pretty much goes as you’d expect. The Boltons totally take a big stinking dump on the Baratheons, pretty much murder their entire army in about ten minutes, and manage to make it back home in time for breakfast.

so many dead bodies

I know they look like bushes, but these are actually all corpses . . .

"They make this way too easy."

“They make this way too easy.”

A couple of weeks ago, this would make a lot of people very sad. But now that Stannis is a child killer. Meh!

Brienne finds a wounded Stannis lounging by a tree surrounded by corpses, and calmly tells him, she’s going to kill him to avenge the death of his brother Renly, who was murdered by the creepy Stannis-looking Shadow Baby that grew out of Melissandre’s lady bits. Stannis stoicly accepts his fate like a man, which is odd considering he killed his kid like a cowardly bitch.

stanny

Feels awkward about seeing Shireen in Heaven, after the whole “burning thing,” then remembers he probably isn’t going there anyway . . .

We see Brienne swing her Oathkeeper sword hard, and we hear the sound effects that are typically used to indicate “sound of body being sliced open by sword, and innards spilling out like candy from a Pinata.” Unfortunately, the camera pans away right at the moment of impact, leaving Stannis’ actual fate frustratingly uncertain. (They didn’t even use the old “show the blood splatter on the tree” trick.)

happy ren

“Revenge is sweet . . . and so is Loras’ ass.”

murderous bri

Since Game of Thrones has never been a show to skimp on showing the gory demise of it’s main characters, I’ll believe Stannis Baratheon is dead, when I see his decapitated head on a pike.

ned head

Too soon?

Until then . . .

Casualties: Approximately 563 nobodies / soon-to-be zombies. (Seriously, how did no one think to burn these corpses, before they could rise from the dead? Have they learned nothing from watching this show?)

Main Character Body Count: 1ish?

Turning a Blind Eye

You know whose death wasn’t at all left open to interpretation? Meryn Trant! That dude is as dead as a misbehaving actor on a Shondra Rhimes television series . . .

mcdreamy-is-dead-1

As many of us predicted, Arya got her opportunity to murder Trant, by capitalizing on his disgusting creepy pedo tendencies. We see he’s got three ridiculously young girls in his brothel chamber, all of whom he whips until they cry out. But one, whose face is covered with her long hair, does not cry. This frustrates Meryn so much that he sends the other girls away.

Clearly, this is Arya Stark . . . except when Meryn finally removes the girl’s hair from her face, it isn’t Arya at all. It’s the dying of cancer girl Arya murdered at Burgerless White Castle.

Wait. . . what?

scared baby gif

Oh, just kidding, Arya was just borrowing that other girl’s face.

Meryn doesn’t actually remember killing Syrio, Arya’s friend and sword trainer, and the guy whose death earned him a spot on the youngest Stark girl’s Death List. But that matters little, seeing as he’s such a terrible human being. Arya reveals her true identity to him, before brutally plucking out his eyeballs (important later), choking him, and stabbing him until he bleeds to death like a stuck pig.

who i am arya i am you are nothing

It looks like Becoming No One is going to have to wait until next season. Because this is Arya Friggin Stark, Regular Cast Member of Game of Thrones! And Meryn Trant? He’s Drew Barrymore’s character in the first Scream movie, basically . . .

Back at Burgerless White Castle, Arya is returning Dying With Cancer Girl’s face to the Face Store, and feeling pretty damn good about herself, until Daddy Jagen comes to ground her for not delivering oyster-eating guy his poison perfume bottle, like she was supposed to do. (In Arya’s defense, she didn’t actually use the poison on Meryn Trant, so there is still plenty left to go around.)

not amused

“Creepy Pedo’s life was not yours to take,” scolds Jagen.

“Whose was it to take then?” Arya wonders. “Is there some kind of list? Because, maybe if the person who was supposed to kill Meryn Trant kills Oyster Eating guy, all will be right in the universe again.”

“Maybe, but I’m going to inexplicably drink poison now to teach you a lesson about not shirking on your duties at Burgerless White Castle,” says Jagen.

Arya cries hysterically at the loss of her “friend,” who made her sweep floors and wash dirty corpses all day, and occasionally kill random people for no compensation whatsoever. (I don’t know about you, but, where I come from, people like that are not called “friends,” they are called “slave drivers.”)

scooby face

Then “live” Jagen, appears over “dead” Jagen, causing a very confused Arya to do that Scooby Doo thing where she repeatedly pulls masks off Jagen’s face to find out who he actually is. (And even though he is wearing like ten different masks, his face doesn’t look even remotely puffy . . . weird.) The last face Arya ends up seeing on “Dead” Jagen is her own.

blind eye

This freaks her out so much, she goes blind, probably because her dad never let her watch Scooby Doo, when she was a little girl. If she did, she would know that face-swapping is no big thing! Also, that the Scooby Snacks were actually pot brownies . . .

scooby pot

Ruh roh!

Casualties: 1 Meryn Trant + 0 Oyster Eating Dudes + 1 Jagen Hagar -1 Jagen Hagar + 1 Arya Stark -1 Arya Stark, + 2 Arya Stark eyes.

You Know Nothing, Jon SnowSam Tarley

wanted to be wizard

If anyone should have had an inkling that all was not right on The Wall . . . that Alliser Thorne’s “you are losing all your friends, Sam,” speech, and Olly’s “Golly gee, Sam, do you think it’s OK if I murder, Jon Snow?” speech . . . were some massive bits of foreshadowing, all adding up to a dead bestie, it was Samwell Tarley.

I mean, last I checked, the guy was supposed to be really smart, right?

WRONG!

sam-jon-snow

“Hey Jon, I know you just came back and all, but would you mind terribly if Gilly, Baby Sam and I abandoned your ass for Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry Old Town, so I can learn to become a Hufflepuff Maester, and you can learn to take five swords to the gut, be fake dead for a year, and then miraculously come back to life in Season 6?” Sam asks his “best friend.”

chatting

“Did you know that women have these things called G-spots? I did. Because I’m a really good finder.”

“Actually, I do kind of mind a little,” admits Jon. “I mean everyone REALLY hates me here, and that twerpy kid keeps giving me, ‘I’m totally going to Julius Caesar you,’ looks. To be honest, I’m kind of worried for my life. Speaking of lives, my direwolf saved yours a week or so back, and indirectly helped you get laid, even though you were seriously wounded and could basically just lay there while Gilly did all the work, so I think you kind of owe me one.”

“Great, thanks for letting me go, Jon. You’re the best,” replies Sam, as he Gilly and baby Sam get on a horse, and blow this Wall Watching popsicle stand, faster than you can say, “Shitty Friend.”

“But ummmmm….. I never actually said yes,” argues Jon to no one.

jon snow speeching

Casualties– 0

Good friends Jon Snow has left to save him from his inevitable Julius Caesaring – 0

Speaking of shitty friends . . .

One Small Step for Reek, One Giant Leap for that Nasty Biatch, Myranda . . .

looking down

“This seemed a whole lot more romantic when it was Aladdin and Jasmine singing ‘A Whole New World,’ and riding on a magic carpet.”

After Sansa’s failed bid for Brienne’s help at the broken castle, her luck gets even worse, when she runs into “Myranda, and her trusty bow and arrow. “Hey Sansa, would you mind standing still while I shoot arrows at your lady parts, because I’m an anti-feminist and irredeemable sadist?” Ramsey’s mistress inquires politely.

“Um, OK, yeah, why not,” replies Sansa, standing perfectly still to give her nemesis good aim. (Always so polite, that Sansa.)

lets begin

“Hey, Myranda, can you fly?” Reek asks.

“What?” Myranda responds momentarily confused.

Reek then pushes Myranda off the side of the building, and watches her go splat on the ground. “Guess not,” he murmurs.

go bye bye myr

SPLAT!

oops reek

Sansa then grabs the hand of her once-enemy, Reek, and the two jump to safety themselves, away from Winterfell, and Ramsey’s nearby army . . .

Casualties: 1 not-able-to-fly Myranda + 1 Reek – 1 Theon. (He’s baaaaack!)

A Kiss Before Dying

Meanwhile, over in Slutty Spring Break Dorne, Ellaria bids Myrcella adieu by inappropriately making out with the young teen, and young Sand Snake Tyene bids Bronn adieu by yammering on about her pussy . . . and I’m not talking about her pet cat.

happy-cat-800

Good pussy

oobies

Bad pussy

On the ship back to Kings Landing, Jamie and Myrcella share a heartfelt moment, during which Myrcella admits to knowing that Jamie is her father, and is totally cool with it, happy about it, even. But if Shireen Baratheon has taught us anything, it’s that sweet scenes between fathers and daughters never end well, and this one is no exception . . .

myrc

This is a public service announcement: Cocaine is bad!

Suddenly, Myrcella’s nose is bleeding and she collapses on the floor. Back in Dorne, Ellaria’s nose is bleeding too, only she has the anecdote to the poison she’s just imbibed, so she will be just fine. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for young Myrcella Lannister, whose Spring Break just came to a super abrupt and tragic end.

dead myrc

Cersei is going to be pissssssssed!

Casualties: 1 + The inner linings of two nose cavities

Even Dragons Get Hangovers

sick drogon

“Regrets . . . I have a few.”

Meanwhile, over on some grassy knoll, Dany is trying to rouse a very sleepy, worse-for-wear, Drogon, so he can take her back to all the friends she rudely abandoned and left to die in Mereen last week.

go home

Drogon, though, is totally not having it. He’s already done his obligatory “Mommy Rescue” of the week, thank you very much. And now, what he wants to do, is sleep off the unique brand of massive indigestion that can only be caused by eating an entire cult of Evil Sons of Harpies and their creepy face masks.

dont_wake_the_dragon

Then, out on the horizon, Dany sees a tall strapping, swarthy, man who looks very familiar to her. It’s the GHOST OF KHAL DROGO!

flash_14_khaldrogo

surprised monkey

Just kidding, it’s a Dothraki warrior, but he’s brought LOTS OF HUNKY FRIENDS.

Knowing a ticket out of dodge and back into power, as the future Breaker of the Wheel of Westeros, when she sees one, Dany (1) deftly drops to the ground and buries with the heel of her sandal the tacky wedding ring she received from her now-dead loser hubby Hizadhr; (2) smiles her prettiest possible Khaleesi Smile; (3) and ventures off to reunite with her favorite band of badass warrior sycophants!

Just make sure Drogon doesn’t burn to kibble or eat your new army, Dany. This is definitely a dragon, who seems like his eyes are too big for his stomach . . . and he’s got a really BIG stomach . . .

Tyrion Lannister for President (and Varys for VP!)

tyrion-dancing-top

Back in Mereen, Tyrion, Jorah, Daario, Greyworm and Melissandre are kind of sitting around with their thumbs up their asses, because their leader has abandoned them in their time of need, and Mereen has erupted into total anarchy in her absence.

“We should go and find, Dany, because I haven’t gotten laid in about six whole hours and my blue balls are killing me .. . also, because ‘government stuff’, I guess,” offers Daario.

daario

ouat 4.1 blue balls

Everybody on Team Dany instantly wants to accompany Daario on his mission, because he’s so sexy. But then the Team dejectedly realizes that someone has to stay behind, and, you know, rule Mereen and stuff.

Ultimately, it is determined that only Daario and Jorah, the two people who most want to bone Dany, will head off in search of her, while everyone else sticks around and governs this annoying town full of cultists, former-slaves with no manners, and generally shitty people.

Fortunately for Tyrion, someone who actually knows what they are doing has arrived to help out with this seemingly insurmountable task.

Hello, Varys! Long time, no snark. It’s good to have you on the campaign ticket!

mad var

Eat your heart out, Francis Underwood from House of Cards. These two have my vote in the bag.

Casualties: -1 (Varys returns !)

The Walk of Shame: It’s Not Just For College Students Who Make Bad Life Choices Anymore

shame shame look

Walk-of-Shame-Movie

Meanwhile, back in Kings Landing, Cersei is ready to confess to her many crimes (well, at least one of them), and make us all feel better about our own personal Walks of Shame.

Here’s a little lesson that Game of Thrones can teach college administrators hoping to crack down on binge drinking at their universities. As if walking across campus on a Sunday morning wearing a halter top and leopard print pants, or a vomit stained button-down shirt, and hair that hasn’t been brushed since 9 p.m. the night before, wasn’t humiliating enough . . .

Imagine having to do it with this chick, strutting behind you, ringing a cowbell, and repeatedly chanting the word “Shame” at your back . . .

shame shame

.more cowbell

. . while you are butt naked . . .

. . . and shaved bald . . .

. . . and people keep throwing their poo at you, and calling you names that would make a prostitute blush.

I’m guessing a mandatory Walk of Shame like that would have your campus completely bone dry in a month tops.

In all seriousness, Lena Heady is pretty spectacular here. You can actually see Cersei’s pride, stoicism and pride gradually crumble, as she makes the long, humiliating and cruel walk from her cell back to the Iron Throne.

crying cerse

But it’s when she returns home that things get really interesting. Apparently, someone has made Cersei a new Frankenstein friend to carry her around, and, you know, murder people for her and stuff. He kind of reminds me of Hodor, except he’s way less talkative and a much more swankily dressed.

It's Hodor's long lost older brother, Bodor?

It’s Hodor’s long lost older brother, Bodor?

hodor-1024

Casualties: Cersei’s pride . . . and her hair, -1 for Cersei’s new body guard, who I’m pretty sure is a dead character (maybe The Mountain) reawakened by science a la Frankenstein (Franken-Hodor?)

Speaking of people I suspect will be awakened from the dead in no time at all . . .

always comes

Et tu, Ollypop?

Back on the wall, Davos is screaming at Jon Snow for refusing to give Stannis army supplies to help in his battle against the Boltons, only to learn mid lecture from a completely randomly appearing Melissandre (Seriously, how did she get there, so fast? Flying broomstick, I presume) that Stannis, Shireen, Selyse, and pretty much everyone from that storyline, is already dead anyway.

The letter Jon Snow receives from a gloating Roose Bolton confirms as much.

Then Olly pops by to tell Jon Snow his long lost relative Benjen Stark has returned after four seasons to see him. “Come out and meet your uncle, Jon,” Olly exclaims excitedly.

Oh, Jon Snow. You aren’t really going to fall for that trick are you? The old “Look over there, it’s a bird! Haha made you look” trick? You really do know nothing.

watchu talking about olly

Ollypop throwing some shade . . .

Anywhoo, obviously, when Jon arrives outside there is no Benjen Stark to be found. What he does find are a bunch of bastards led by that Grumpy Ginger Alliser Thorne. They all start taking turns totally Julius Caesaring Jon Snow, and chanting, “For the Watch,” as they do it, just to add insult to Jon Snow’s possibly mortal injuries.

Olly pop steps up last. He eye f*&ks Jon Snow just long enough that you wonder whether or not he’s actually going to go through with his role as Brutus in our little tale. But, eventually Olly stabs Jon too. And it’s that stab that literally breaks Jon’s heart enough to “kill” him.

how fans feel about olly

A perfect depiction of what fans want to do to Ollypop, after he delivers the mortal blow to Jon Snow. If I was this actor, I’d seriously enter the witness protection program ASAP.

Casualties: Jon Snow, and any respect I ever had for Ollypop

The last scene of the season is Jon Snow bleeding out on the floor outside Castle Black, eyes open, staring at nothing, which leads me to ask just one question.

Where the f*&k is Ghost when you really need him? Or does the loyal direwolf only save people’s lives when it will directly ensure that they get laid?

ghost

“What can I say? I’m all about chasing tail.”

Sam

“And I chase tail very carefully.”

I guess we will have to wait until next season to find out. Until then, Westerosians!

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On Bad Dads and Good Dragons – A Recap of Game of Thrones’ “Dance with Dragons”

father's day

Source

By any stretch of the imagination, I’m not what anyone would call a big time reader of “The Good Book,” but I do remember the story of Abraham and Isaac. For those of you who are unfamiliar, Isaac is Abraham’s son. One night, Abraham believes he hears the word of God telling him to sacrifice his son to for him. So Abraham obediently ties up Isaac on a mountain top, and is prepared to slaughter his own kid. But just before he can do it, the Angel of God comes down from Heaven and says. “Just kidding. God was just testing your loyalty. You can go ahead and kill that ram over there, instead of your kid.”

abe and isaac

To which, Abraham replies, “Cool.”

And Isaac replies, “Phew, that was a close one.”

I remember being really horrified by the story as a child. (I’m still horrified.) The fact that the ending of the story was a “happy” one (though not, admittedly, for the ram), for me, didn’t change the fact that Abraham, who, by all accounts, was supposed to be a pretty good guy, was more than willing to murder his own kid in cold blood, just because he thought it would make God happy.

That type of religious fanaticism is generally frowned upon in polite society . . .

grumpy ram

Grumpy ram is grumpy.

Watching this week’s episode of Game of Thrones, I couldn’t help but be reminded of the story of Abraham and Isaac. Here we have Stannis, a super religious guy, who, we are led to believe, loves his daughter very much. He loves her enough to pay for the most expensive doctors from all across the land to cure her of her greyscale, when everyone tells him she is a lost cause. He loves her enough to keep her at home with him, risking himself, rather than sending her off to live and die a horrible death with the stonemen, like as so many with her ailment have done before her.

Shireen_stannis_sons_of_the_harpy

And yet, when the going gets tough, Stannis doesn’t hesitate for more than a few seconds before making the decision to murder his only daughter, submit her to a public and agonizingly painful death by fire. He sends Davos, Shireen’s closest companion, away on a mission, to ensure that he doesn’t intervene in her impending death. And for what? To satisfy the Lord of Light? To appease his nutjob mistress? Because he’s deluded enough to think that his daughter’s death will provide him with the “good luck” he needs to win the Battle of Winterfell and take over the Iron Throne?

The only throne Stannis deserves to sit on after this week’s episode. (Actually, its the only throne he deserves to be flushed down, TBH.)

It all seems so ridiculous, and petty . . . so callous and awful. It’s also literally biblical.

Unfortunately for Shireen Baratheon, there was no Angel of God on hand to tell Stannis he could take out an animal instead of his own daughter. And unfortunately for us, Shireen was burned alive, leaving her no chance of coming back as a White Walker and murdering the crap out of her shitty dad, and his even shittier girlfriend . . .

"Come at me, STANNIS!"

“Come at me, STANNIS!”

In more lighthearted news, Jamie gets to return to Dorne with his niece/daughter and Bronn in tow. Syrio’s murderer. Meryn Trant, is a disgusting pedophile, but is most definitely going to die next week. Everybody on the Wall hates Jon Snow now, but at least his cool new giant friend has his back. Jorah, Tyrion, Daario, and Missandrei will live to die another day. And Dany got a bitchin new set of wheels.

Let’s review, shall we?

Twenty Good Men versus One Horrible Father

poor shireen large

In my recap last week, I derided Ramsey Bolton’s “twenty good men” battle strategy as being patently awful. This week, I get to eat my words . . .

eat crow

“Mmm, crow. Yummy!”

Ramsey may be the most detestable human being on this show (though, after this week, the competition just got a heck of a lot stiffer), but even I have to admit, as a war strategist, he’s not too shabby. Sneaking twenty men into Stannis’ camps at nightfall, and burning their food supply, weapons, and many of their horses, effectively preventing the iron throne contender from fighting OR retreating was pretty ingenious.

(And the fact that I just complimented Sansa’s rapist makes me physically nauseous.)

sausage player

Stannis asks Davos to go back to the Wall to ask them for food and supplies. Davos rightfully thinks it’s suspicious that Stannis is sending his “hand” on a begging errand, as opposed to, say, someone who is not a regular cast member on the show. “Can I stay here, and keep you from making the terrible decisions you always make when I’m not around?” Davos asks pleadingly.

stannis

“No,” says Stannis.

“Can I take your wife and daughter with me to protect them from your horrible Non-Davos Approved decision making skills?” Davos tries again.

“No,” repeats Stannis.”

“Can I just take your daughter with me then, so that you don’t brutally murder her for nonsensical religious nutjob reasons, thereby forcing the fans of this show to actually root for that horrible sociopath Ramsey to beat you in the Battle of Winterfell, because they think you are a shameful excuse for a human being, and then hate themselves for doing so, because Ramsey is The Absolute Worst?”

“No,” says Stannis for a third time. “I want you to leave so I can kill my daughter, and all that bad stuff you just said can come true.”

“OK,” says Davos, and then he leaves.

Davos may now be able to read, but his ability to recognize subtext clearly still needs a little work . . .

Davos then goes on to have an adorable moment with Shireen, just so that you remember how much you like her, and to make you feel like that much more sh*t when she dies.

toy for shireen

“The bad news is that you are about to die for moronic reasons, and I won’t be there to save you. The good news is, I made you a crappy buck Christmas ornament for you to play with during your last hours of life,” explains Davos.

“Hooray, Bambi’s dad!” Shireen exclaims excitedly as she examines her new toy. “Where’s Bambi’s mom?”

playing ith buck

“You’ll see her soon enough,” mumbles Davos under his breath.

“What did you say?” Shireen inquires.

ouat bambi mom

“Oh nothing, what are you reading?” Davos asks, eager to change the subject.

“It’s called ‘Dance of Dragons.’ It’s the title of this episode. It’s about two Targaryens who battle one another for power and start a civil war. It teaches you how killing your family members for greedy reasons only results in more bloodshed.”

“Make sure to show that book to your dad,” Davos instructs before heading off on his Mission of Distraction.

Stannis Baratheon may be excellent at grammar, but, apparently, his reading comprehension is for absolute shit. He totally misses the point of the story Shireen is reading. “Which Targaryen did you like better? Who was the better leader?” Stannis inquires of his daughter.

shireen

“Um, neither, because they were both willing to kill their own bloodline, and sacrifice half of their people for some macho pissing contest?” Shireen patiently explains.

“But one of them had to piss better, right? Longer stream? Better aim?” Stannis presses. (See what I mean about Stannis belonging in a toilet?)

“Wow, I am way too good of a person to live in this miserable world governed by men like you,” Shireen muses.

“Yeah, about that . . .” begins Stannis.

When Shireen bravely tells Stannis she would do anything to help her father in the war effort, I think she expects him to ask her to do something nice, like teach the army to read, or put on a play using her new Christmas ornament to life the men’s spirits. What she gets is . . . well . . . not that at all.

poor shireen

As any Hitchcock fan will tell you, sometimes the things you don’t see , and therefore, have to envision with your mind’s eye, are the scariest and most frightening of all. We didn’t need to see Sansa’s rape to know it was horrific. Hearing her cries of anguish, and seeing Reek’s tears, was enough to leave her pain indelibly etched in our memory.

melisandre-hot-in-the-snow

Likewise, we don’t need to see Shireen burnt at the stake to be traumatized by it. Hearing her screams, and unanswered pleas for her parents to save her, as her mother collapses in a useless last-minute show of anguish and remorse, and Stannis stoically stares ahead, rightfully hating himself for the monster he’s become, is more than enough.

terrible parents

Rest in Peace, Shireen Baratheon. Here’s hoping you are in a better place, now . . . one with all the books you could ever want to read, and all the toys you could ever desire, because Westeros most certainly didn’t deserve you.

Jon Snow’s Approval Rating = Sam%

sam-jon-snow

“Does this mean I don’t get to be prom king anymore?”

After last week’s Zombie Apocalypse, Jon and his new Wildling friends are eager to get back within the safety of the Wall. But Substitute Teacher, Alliser Thorne makes them sweat it out a little bit, before eventually letting them inside.

cant sit

As someone who was born sexy, Jon Snow is not used to being unpopular. I mean, sure, he was born a bastard. But it didn’t matter. Men and women always liked him instinctively, because he was really, really ridiculously good looking.

Needless to say, Jon is not used to getting the barrel full of stink eye he gets served upon crossing the threshold into the Wall Watchers camp. “Don’t worry. You can still sit at my lunch table. Your new friend, Giant Guy, can be our bodyguard against bullying.”

fuck you looking

“I suggest you get a Valyrian steel vest, because these guys are totally going to Julius Caesar your ass, with Olly playing the role of Brutus,”offers Alliser Thorne, somewhat less supportively.

Just What Westeros Needs . . . More Creepy Pedos

oysters clams

Over in Braavos, Arya is back in her clam girl costume, and ready to give that old oyster-eating dude Jagen’s “gift” of little girl’s perfume . . . just kidding, it’s poison. Before she can finish the job though, Arya spots Meryn Trant, the guy who killed her first swordfighting teacher Syrio. Meryn is in town on business for the Lannisters, and as we know, Meryn is on Arya’s Death List. Arya knows she’s supposed to just poison the old oyster-eating dude and go home. But surely Jagen has enough poison around Burgerless White Castle for both douchebags! Arya thinks to herself.

Arya follows Meryn to a brothel, where he repeatedly turns down increasingly younger prostitutes (the first looked to be about 27, the last, about 14) for being “too old.” (When even the head of a brothel looks disgusted with your sexual proclivities you KNOW you are a creeper.) Eventually, the head of the brothel finds someone off the street who looks to be about Arya’s age, to “please” the despicable Meryn.

Meryn-Trant-201

Arya gets discovered snooping around the brothel, and is unceremoniously kicked out, before she can poison Meryn, but not before she overhears the brothel owner’s promise to get Meryn a fresh new “young blood” for the following night. Methinks Arya is about to go undercover as a “lady of the night.” Now, THAT should be interesting. Gross . . . but interesting.

Back at Burgerless White Castle, Arya fibs to Jagen that old oyster-eating dude “wasn’t hungry,” to explain away why she didn’t kill him.

Mr. Two Truths and a Lie Guy gives Arya this look, like he knows she’s full of shit. But, for the time being, he keeps his mouth shut.

Jaqen-H-ghar-600x308

Hmmm, I wonder if you get fired from Burgerless White Castle whether you can collect unemployment?

Sexual Deviants Unite!

wants peace 1 wants peace

Over in Dorne, Doran Martell’s “throne” is revealed to have wheels, thus proving that my “Doran has no legs” theory might actually be not far off the mark! In other news, Jamie is allowed to take Myrcella and her betrothed Trystane back to Smells Like Shit Kings Landing, where Jamie’s daughter/niece will be forced to wear more age-appropriate clothing, and Trystane will take the deceased Oberon’s seat on the council.

myrcella make out

It’s so nice to see two people who love one another “in the biblical sense,” who aren’t actually related.

It’s great news for Jamie, but crappy news for Myrcella, because, while Dorne may be boring as crap to watch, it seems like a way more fun place to live than the poo-smelling place being run by the creepy religious cult.

Forever-1426515403

Bronn gets to come back to Kings Landing too (and sing more solos, I hope), but only after that James Earl Jones-sounding guy punches him in the face for knocking out Trystane a few weeks back.

As for Ellaria and the infamous Sand Snakes, their silly badly choreographed wedding dance of a gambit to kidnap Myrcella is thankfully wrapped up just as quickly and with as little fanfare as it was introduced. Ellaria is forced to repledge her allegiance to Doran in front of the tearful Sand Snakes. Then, just in case you weren’t sure if she really meant it, Ellaria pays Jamie a visit, in which she tells him that his incest baby-making machine love story with Cersei is totally cool, and not at all gross, like everyone else thinks it is!

snuggie-throwns

“People who hate incest are so judgy,” Ellaria explains. “Here in Eternal Spring Break Dorne, all forms of f*cking, are totally approved and encouraged. It’s why our entire male animal population walks with a limp.”

Speaking of animals . . .

The Great Escape

surrounded on al sudes

Another day, another brutal murder extravaganza in the fighting pits of Mereen. Dany is surrounded by all her men, each trying not so subtly win her favor (except for Tyrion, who already has it, because he’s a bad ass, obviously). She’s got Daario at her back, bragging about his own awesomeness as a former pit fighter, extoling the virtues of a small and quick fighter, over a large lumbering and slow one. (He says this just as the small fighter in the pit, gets his head unceremoniously lobbed off by the big guy. Oops.) Hizdahr is still yammering on about how the fighting pits maintain the cordiality of polite society by giving men an outlet for their bloodthirsty natures. It also has the added benefit of keeping the rich (like him), rich. “My father would have liked you,” notes Tyrion casually. (From the guy who killed his father, this is not a compliment.)

vital part father would have

Then, yet another suitor reveals himself in the fighting pits. Jorah is back. And Dany is visibly affected by the sheer stupidity of the guy, who just can’t stop himself from trying to die on her behalf. Once again, Jorah easily disposes of all his red shirt adversaries. (Though this time, running through them Tazmanian Devil style doesn’t work, and he actually has to kill them all.)

battle winner

But the big finish comes when Jorah, shoots an arrow into the stands at Dany’s would-be assassin with the funny looking orgy mask from Eyes Wide Shut, saving her life. That’s right, boys and girls, the Sons of the Harpy are back, and they are not f*cking around.

kill assassin

Instantly about thirty more funny looking masks appear throughout the crowd, as their eerie theme music of guttural chanting starts to play in the pits. (Because, apparently, one of them is carrying a boom box?) All hell breaks loose. The Sons of the Harpy begin killing people in the stands indiscriminately, rich, poor, Hizdhar, who up until the moment he bit it, I honestly thought was part of the conspiracy until right after he bit it.

Hizdahr-zo-Loraq-S4-EP-03

Sorry!

Jorah, who knows there’s nothing like a life-threatening blood bath to really get those sexy juices flowing, jumps up from the pit and slow-mo grabs Dany’s hand, romantic comedy movie style. And I know we are all supposed to think it’s super sweet, and ship it, hard core. But was I the only one that was genuinely worried about the fact that Jorah has greyscale when this was happening?

take my hand

After all, last we heard, Greyscale gets transmitted like cooties, through simple skin contact. “Don’t let them touch you,” Tyrion advised, when Jorah and he were ambushed by a stone man in an earlier episode.

Now, perhaps, Dany’s immune to Greyscale, due to her main character status, but still . . . risky move, Jorah.

Anywhoo, Team Dany (Dany, Daario, Jorah, Tyrion and Missandrei) soon find themselves inside the pits surrounded by Harpies who want them dead. Dany clasps Missandrei’s hand and closes her eyes, preparing for an end to her story that will most certainly not involve her breaking the wheel of Westeros.

look at eachother hold hand

like a good neighbor

“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there . . . with a dragon that will kill everybody!”

Then, comes Drogon . ..

Dany’s eldest son got back from college just time, apparently. He’s breathing fire on Harpys and eating them left and right, like it’s no big thang. But he’s taking a few pesky swords in his back, as he does it. Everyone seems to stop fighting for a few minutes, to watch Dany maternally fuss over Drogon’s wounds. Then, she hops on his back and instructs him to blow this popsicle stand, presumably, to head toward Westeros.

dany with the dragon

It’s exciting. It’s triumphant. It’s . . . kind of shitty for Tyrion, Jorah, Daario and Missandrei, who clearly thought Drogon’s ride toward “not dying” was more than a single-seater . . .

dany flying

A little selfish, Dany . .. just saying . . .

Until next time, Westerosians .. . .

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