Would someone please retrieve my jaw from the floor? – A Big Love Recap

You may recall, that a few weeks ago I wrote a recap for Big Love during which I complained that the season had gotten off to a slow, dare I say it, boring start.  Well, boy has it picked up steam! 

I considered doing a full recap for the episode.  However, I feared that if I did that, dear reader, you would only skim it, instead of reading the whole thing.  (Do I know you, or do I know you?) 

Then, if you only skimmed, I have no doubt that you would miss the jaw-dropping awesomeness of it all.  Therefore, this little “recaplet” will focus only on the top three WTF-iest moments of this latest Big Love installment.

3. Nikki’s Mom is Marrying Her Creepy Fingernail-less Ex-Husband!

          Prophet Roman’s body is barely cold, and the eligible bachelors are already lining up outside his son Albie’s door to get a shot at marrying his bodaciously pilgrim-esque fourteen wives.  I smell a reality dating show! 

 (Farmer Wants a Crapload of Wives – coming soon to ABC)

            One of the contenders is the ever sexy fingernail-less wonder J.J., who just so happens to be Nikki’s ex-wife, and the father of her child.  But J.J. doesn’t just want any wife, he wants the First Wife, NIKKI’S MOM.  Albie consents, and Nikki’s mom responds by crying hysterically screaming like a banshee.  Wouldn’t you?

2.   Bill is the biggest D-Bag Ever!

       Bill’s asinine decision to run for State Senate has not only ruined the lives of everyone in his family, it has pretty much doomed everyone he knows to an eternally crappy existence.  When Bill’s opponent starts digging into his business affairs at Home Plus, Bill’s minion, Don, is understandably miffed.  Don gets even angrier when Bill informs him that all spare wives will have to be taken off of the Home Plus payroll (and hence cannot receive health insurance), in order to prevent the employees’ polygamist lifestyles from being exposed.

Despite all this, Saint Don actually apologizes to Bill for being unsupportive of his decision to run for Senator.  Ever the perfect sidekick, Don tells Bill that he will do whatever it takes to help his idol win the primary.  And Bill has the perfect idea in mind. 

The morning before he announces his candidacy, D-bag Bill actually has the audacity to ask Don to “take the bullet for him,” by admitting to his own polygamist lifestyle and resigning from the company.  Bill reasons that this will lead the dogs off Bill’s own multi-wived scent.  Don actually complies with this request, instead of punching Bill in his smarmy hypocritical face, like I would have done. 

(“Do I still get to ride in the Batmobile?”)

1. Margene and Ben – OMFG!

        In last week’s episode-ending shocker, Margene kissed her “sister son,” the 17-year old Ben, on the lips after he, unlike the rest of the Henrickson family, showed up to support his “mom” during her primetime television debut on the Home Shopping Network.  The producers caught wind of this spicy smooch, and introduced Ben on television as Margene’s husband.  When confronted by Barb about this little TV snafu, Margene admitted to giving Ben a peck on the lips “by mistake.” 

At the Home Shopping Network, Margene admits to the world (or at least the world of stay-at-home mom’s who watch the Home Shopping Network), that Ben is not really her husband.  But she goes one step farther, breaking down into tears, and, in a cringe-inducing monologue, admits that her husband abandoned her and her mother died due to drugs. 

F.Y.I. Margene, your viewers at home just want to buy bracelets.  If they wanted personal stories, they could watch Oprah at 4pm . . .

 . . . or this guy.

 Later, during a highly charged late night encounter in the kitchen, Margene admits to an insistent Ben that the kiss “meant something” to her.  Then, Ben’s little sister, Tattletale Teeny, who found Ben’s love note to Margene at the end of last season, reveals to Barb and Bill that Ben and Margene are “in love.”  When confronted by Bill, Ben maturely takes the bullet for Margene, claiming that he kissed her, and that the encounter was nothing but a dumb crush on his part.  Bill apologizes to Margene for her trouble, and inadvertently makes her feel like crap.

 Then, just moments before Bill is to make his important candidacy announcement, he finds Margene crying outside in her furry Republican Elephant suit.  (Wow, Bill, is that really how you like your loving?  Who knew polygamists were so kinky?)

  In a touchingly heartfelt scene, Margene admits to Bill that she kissed Ben.  Furthermore, at the time that she did it, she harbored romantic feelings for Bill’s young son.

    Later that evening, Bill comes into Ben’s room and finds him packing.  Ben explains that, under the circumstances, he thought it would be better if he “left home for awhile.”  Bill, continuing his episode-long D-Bag trend, agrees, tossing his minor-aged son out in the cold over a little kiss.  Talk about a “family values” candidate . . .

      And there you have it . . . quite a wild ride for an hour-long show.  If this keeps up, I may just have to invest in a spare jaw . . .