Welcome back VD’ers! (Don’t you like how I basically just called you all a bunch of venereal diseases? Great way to make friends and influence people, huh?)
It’s been WAY too long since we’ve had a “taste” of our favorite campy, bloody, teen drama, hasn’t it? But, now, we are back, and (I think) better than ever . . .
There was a lot to love in this week’s “Back from Hiatus” installment of The Vampire Diaries! For starters, we got a few GREAT booby shots of a Drunk Shirtless, Slightly Broody, and Highly Emotionally Volatile Damon Salvatore . . .
More of THAT Please!
We also got a drool-worthy, sexual tension-laced “shirt BUTTONING” scene between our favorite couple-not-yet-to-couple, Damon and Elena . . .
More of THAT Please!
(By the way, in addition to being AWESOME, shirt on AND shirt off, Damon also had the dubious honor of uttering my favorite quote from this episode, “Unrequited love sucks, man!” — Great line. But so untrue, Damon. Unrequited love ROCKS . . . particularly when YOU are doing the loving!)
Then, there were not ONE, not TWO, but THREE senseless Deaths, this episode . . . well, two-and-a-half, depending on how you felt about Alaric’s rebirth . . .
( . . . will live to write on chalkboards and be stultifyingly boring, ANOTHER DAY!)
More of THAT please! (Well, more senseless DEATHS at least, less Alaric, he’s snoozy . . .)
Let’s not forget that tonight’s episode title was modeled after one of my favorite films . . .
“You can’t handle the TRUTH!”
More of THAT Please!
And, as if that wasn’t enough, we got Marissa Cooper’s Mom from The O.C.!
Much more of HER please!
(By the way, if there was ever an Emmy award for “Best Performance as a Slutty Trashtastic Kind-of-Bitchy Mom,” Melinda Clarke would win every year hands down. Has she been typecast? Absolutely! But that doesn’t make her any less fabulous!)
So, without further adieu, lets take a peek at what happened on VD’s A Few Good Men . . .
A Few Good Lays . . .
If you didn’t think I was going to somehow find a way to include this picture in my recap AGAIN, you clearly don’t know me AT ALL . . .
When we first reunite with Damon, he is getting it on with a trio of drunken, horny, and “compulsed” Tri Delts (a REAL sorority, by the way, . . . I smell a Defamation Lawsuit!). We quickly get the impression that this has been how Damon has been spending his hiatus time. You GO DAMON! The way I see it, the best way to get over an undead Vampire Bitch, who you’ve searched for, for about 100 years of your life, only to find out she DOESN’T want to be found by YOU, is to get UNDER someone else . . . or rather, in this case, SOMEONE ELSES.
Might I suggest the cast of Gossip Girl, Damon? They always seem up for a good roll in the hay . . .
A Few Good Bings . . .
By the way, I found this picture on GOOGLE! Put that in your pipe and smoke it, BING!
One of the things I am NOT liking about The Vampire Diaries of late, is its already burgeoning sell-out tendencies. Seriously folks, how many times is our favorite television show going to double as an hour-long commercial for a certain search engine website that shall remain nameless?
Is this supposed to be our punishment for having DVRs? What’s next? A discussion about herpes pills or “feminine hygiene” products?
“Aunt Jenna? Did you ever get that ‘not-so-fresh’ feeling?”
Anyway, shameless product placement aside, Elena and her Auntie are doing a little internet research to find out some important intel on Elena’s birth mother. In our last episode, we learned that Elena’s birth mom and Alaric’s “deceased” wife shared the same name, Isobel. This week, we learned that they are the same person (and are both played by Mia Kirschner)
“What can I say? I get around . . .”
Elena and Auntie come across some old high school yearbook pics online of Elena’s mommy and her cheerleading friend, Trudie (Amanda Detmer), who, conveniently, currently lives just a hop, skip, and a jump away from Elena. Stefan, hoping to protect Elena from learning about Damon’s involvement in Isobel’s disappearance, tells Elena to leave Trudie alone. But Elena goes to see her, anyway. Trudie, initially, seems friendly enough (if you consider people who don’t invite you inside their home, spike your tea with vervain, hoping it will make you sick, and text cold-blooded killers to inform them of your arrival, friendly). But, when Elena questions Trudie about her knowledge of vampires, the latter becomes really unwelcoming, and asks her to leave ASAP.
Unfortunately, for Trudie, she never gets the chance to send Elena the neighborly “I’m sorry for being a bitch to you,” apple pie, she would have sent, otherwise . . .
Always helpful in times like these . . .
. . . because the killer she so brilliantly texted, comes to her house, just moments after Elena has left, pushes her down the steps, breaks her neck, and kills her. Talk about UN-neighborly! (SENSELESS DEATH # 1)
A Few Good Boyfriends (with Moms that Hate You)
In other news, Matt’s and Caroline’s still-new relationship hits a bit of a road block when Matt’s Mommy (Melinda Clarke) returns to town and tells Caroline, in no uncertain terms, that she HATES Caroline’s guts. So much for getting Mommy Dearest to fork over the cash for the upcoming nuptials . . . ( SOMEONE’S going to be registering for their wedding gifts at the Dollar Store, in a few years . . .)
A Few Good Bachelor Brawls . . .
At the Town’s Founder’s Day Fundraiser, both Damon and Alaric put their very nicely-sculpted bodies up for auction. (Is it too late for me to move to this town?) Proving himself to be an even bigger D-Bag than we initially thought (but, a HOT d-bag, mind you), Damon inexplicably calls out Alaric during his bachelor speech, revealing, in no uncertain terms, how he gave Alaric’s wife the best lay of her life before she “died.” (And you just KNOW that all that “sexual prowess” talk upped Damon’s auction price considerably . . .)
“It was for a GOOD CAUSE!”
Elena puts two and two together, and figures out that Damon had a hand in her birth mommy’s “death.” She dashes out of the party in tears, with both Stefan and Damon at her heels. (Must be nice, having hot guys always chasing you like that . . .) Say what you will about Damon, but the look on his face when Elena confronts him about his murdering her mother is genuinely heartbreaking. He really does have a soft spot for her . . . (swoon).
Later, Cold Blooded Killer Guy (CBK Guy for short), who Stefan instantly recognizes as being under vampire compulsion, warns Elena to stop looking for her mother. Having delivered this Very Important Message, CBK Guy walks into oncoming traffic and gets mowed down by a car. (SENSELESS DEATH #2) Stefan appears genuinely concerned for the zombie’s well being. However, Elena sees the death as an opportunity to get a free cell phone . . . so she snatches the corpse’s.
“What? Mine was running low on minutes!”
Back at home, Elena picks up her brand new cell phone and dials the last number called on it. When a woman picks up, asking if “everything went as planned,” Elena utters “Isobel” into the phone. The woman hangs up . . .
A Few Good Pieces of Jewelry
“They sure like their bling on this show . . .”
Back at La Casa de Damon, Alaric confronts the vampire about porking, and subsequently forking, his loving wife. As it turns out, Isobel was somewhat of a “vampire scholar” when she and Alaric were together back at Duke. Isobel had traveled to Mystic Falls, convinced that she would be able to prove the existence of vampires there. That was when she met, and screwed, Damon. Damon and Alaric tussle for a bit, and Damon appears to puncture his lung, killing him. (SENSELESS . . . SORT OF . . . DEATH #3)
Saintly Stefan then arrives on the scene.
I just figured it was high time that I included HIS pic in this recap. I’m nothing, if not, fair, ladies . . .
Damon admits to Stefan that he didn’t kill Isobel, but rather, turned her into a vampire, because . . . “she was begging for it.” (Spoken like a true rapist, Damon . . . it’s a good thing I like you . . . otherwise, you’d be dead to me, right now. Oh, but wait . . . you ARE dead . . . so, nevermind.)
Left alone with corpse Alaric, Stefan is alarmed to learn that Alaric is not-so-much dead. At first, Stefan fears that Damon turned him into a vampire . . . and we all know THAT hasn’t worked out too well in the past.
R.I.P. Doubly Dead Vampire Vicki
And yet, Alaric explains that, before she disappeared, Isobel gave him this Big Ugly Ass Ring to protect him from the occult. Because Alaric was wearing it when Damon “killed” him, it allowed him to “live.”
So, let me get this straight, on this show we NOW have . . .
(1) a lapiz lazuli ring that vampires wear to allow them to go out in sunlight;
(2) a vervain necklace that HUMANS wear to prevent vampires from controlling their minds;
(3) a medallion that WITCHES wear to do spells and hurt mean vampires; and
(4) a Big Ugly Ass Ring that ALARIC wears to keep vampires from killing his boring butt.
This show is starting to look like the Home Shopping Network . . .
In the last moments of the show, we learn that Vampire Anna and her recently rescued Mommy, Vampire Crystal, are having a little Undead Reunion for fellow Tomb escapees at some house in Mystic Falls (including this unnamed hot African American vampire dude with gorgeous eyes, that I wouldn’t mind seeing again). Could THEY be the ones behind that Cold Blooded Killer guy who did in Isobel’s high school bud, Un-neighborly Trudie?
Tune in next week, to find out. See ya then, bloodsuckers!