Up until this point, Lost has had more loose (and dead) ends than Bat-Sh&t Crazy Claire’s hair . . .
But that all changed (sort of), during this week’s nobody-centric Lost installment. Because someone in the writing department FINALLY decided to tie together all those darn flash-sideways scenarios that have been plaguing us for weeks on end! Here’s how they did it . . .
If you recall, at the end of last week’s episode, heretofore mild-mannered Desmond the Time Traveling Know-It-All . . .
. . . shocked EVERYONE by running down Wheelchair Locke . . .
. . . with his car in Flash-Sideways world. Now, most of us would agree, that purposefully mowing over paraplegic substitute teachers with your motor vehicle is not a very nice thing to do. But as it turns out, there was a method to Desmond’s madness. Our pal Dessie simply wanted Locke to make some new friends . . . which makes the hit-and-run TOTALLY OK! (Seriously, Desmond? You couldn’t have just sent the poor dude a Facebook invite?)
Anyway, massive overreaction aside, Sideways Locke is carted away in the ambulance, with his new pal, Professor Ben riding along side him. (I thought only FAMILY was allowed to do that. But what do I know?)
And I have to say, I am totally in LOVE with this slightly effete, curmudgeony, skittish, BIG NERD version of Ben. The only time I could ever imagine Island Ben . . .
. . . riding with a virtual stranger in an ambulance, is if he wanted to steal that stranger’s heart . . .
No . . . I mean LITERALLY rip out his or her heart and STEAL IT . . .
Anyway, as Locke is being wheeled into the hospital, he is met by another patient on the adjoining gurney, namely Pregnant Sun, who is accompanied into the hospital her doting Boyfriend / Baby Daddy Jin . . .
When a half-conscious Sun sees a completely unconscious Locke lying next to her, she COMPLETELY FLIPS OUT! WHY? Is it because a part of her remembers his evil, voice-snatching island alter ego, MIB, from another dimension? Or is she simply shocked to learn that Mr. Clean is, in fact, a real person . . .
Later, we learn that Sun pulled through the operation, and gave birth to a healthy baby girl, who may or may not be named Ji-Yeon in this timeline.
Meanwhile, Buddy Cop Bromantics, Sawyer and Miles . . .
. . . are hanging at the police station, having just arrested Running Kate.
As Sawyer interrogates Kate, the sexual tension between them sends sparks pff the screen and into your living room. You can tell Sawyer totally just wants to handcuff Kate to the wall and make a “bad cop porno” with her. After all, it’s not as though these two haven’t done THAT before . . .
Honestly, I kept waiting for the “bow chick a wow, wow” music to start playing in the background, and for Sawyer to take off his shirt . . .
But alas, all clothes remained disappointingly ON. The scene wasn’t a TOTAL loss though. Kate hinted that the reason Sawyer passively helped her to escape the FBI agent on her tail back at LAX, was that he didn’t want to call any attention to the fact that he had taken a secret impromptu trip to Australia. Sawyer doesn’t deny this. In fact, he tells the possibly murderous Kate, “I like YOU.” (Well DUH!)
Cockblock Miles totally ruins the moment, however, by telling Sawyer that they have to go an arrest Bad Ass Sayid for shooting Keamy and all those other goons, who were responsible for putting Sun in the hospital.
Sayid tries to make a run for it, but Sawyer, who is cleary the BEST COP IN THE WORLD, catches and cuffs him, just like he did earlier to Kate. The only difference here, is that Sawyer and Sayid never had Bear Cage Sex in another dimension . . .
Meanwhile, Sane ALSO Pregnant Claire . . .
. . . is heading to the adoption agency to make plans to give up her baby, when she is encountered by an increasingly creepy Desmond, who, seems to have been following her since he ran into her at the airport earlier. Desmond invites Claire to accompany him while he goes to visit his lawyer. Claire, though clearly SANER in this timeline, is just as STUPID as ever, and agrees to Creepy Dessie’s request. And who’s Dessie’s lawyer, you ask? Well, Undead (but still boring) Ilana, of course!
Turns out Ilana was LOOKING for Claire. You see, she was having a meeting with Dr. Jack and his previously nonexistent son . . .
. . . to read Christian Shepard’s will, which happens to mention Claire in it, because, like Dr. Jack, Pregnant Claire was also Christian’s child.
Unfortunately, this dysfunctional family reunion can’t last too long, because Dr. McDreamy Jack gets called away on an impromptu brain surgery (Don’t you just hate it when that happens?). He takes his son along for the ride, and asks him if he minds “hanging out” for a while. (YEAH! Because brain surgeries take NO TIME AT ALL!) Of course, in case you haven’t guessed by now, Jack’s patient is none other than Locke, who Jack suddenly seems to recognize, as he observes him on the operating table.
But where the heck was HURLEY?
MEANWHILE ON THE ISLAND . . .
(1) Sawyer, Kate, Lapidus, HURLEY (There he is!), Sun, Jack, and Crazy Claire (who only got to come because Idiot Kate — who Claire recently tried to KILL — insisted that Looney Tunes be included, because she’s clearly “such a nice girl.”) . . .
. . . anyway . . . the group ditched MIB, and hopped aboard an abandoned yacht in search of a quick and painless island escape. Wishy Washy Jack, however, ultimately opted to jump ship and return to the island, because . . . who the heck knows what his crazy rationale was for doing that! Something about the island “not being done with him yet.” WHATEVER! Jack obviously attends the same Island Academy of Stupid, as Kate and Claire.
“I CAN’T Leave NOW! It took me WEEKS to establish this even of a base tan!”
(2) Even though MIB left Desmond alive in the well, Zombie Sayid, may or may not have KILLED him at MIB’s request. I’m guessing NOT . . . because I think there is hope for Sayid’s humanity, yet. As the always optimistic Hurley said, “People DO come back from the darkside. Look at Anakin!”)
“OK, Hurley. I love you. But maybe that was a bad example. You DO know those were PREQUELS, right?”
(3) Jin and Sun FINALLY reunited!
And Sun remembered how to speak English! And at first it was SWEET, and then it got kind of nauseating . . . And then, Sawyer gave Kate this longing, unrequited love-type look, and I melted into an ooey gooey puddle all over again.
(4) Oh! And Widmore’s Team Subbie . . .
. . . led by Zoey (Why the heck is this mediocre actress getting SO MUCH play on this awesome show, when she is SO NOT TINA FEY?) . . .
. . . busied itself by generally being crappy to EVERYBODY. First, it broke its promise to Sawyer’s crew, by holding it at gunpoint. Then it BLEW UP MIB’s crew! These guys are SO EVIL they make Crazy Claire look like Alice in Wonderland . . .
(5) MIB (possibly) secured Jack as his titular “Last Recruit.” He did this by, first, informing him that the image of Jack’s dad — who Jack kept seeing on the island — was none other than Smokey himself;
and, then by rescuing him from being blown to bits by the Team Subbie bomb. MIB LITERALLY carries Jack on his back to get him out of harm’s way. “You’re with ME now,” explains MIB, as he leans (lovingly?) over a dazed Jack in the episode’s chilling final moments. (Long term romantic relationships have begun over much LESS . . .)
“Yes, I’ll marry. you. But, just so you know, I DON’T DO WINDOWS!”
That’s all she wrote folks. Tune in next week, when we will HOPEFULLY find out what happened to Sideways Hurley and Libby (if anything), as well as Island Desmond. I’m secretly hoping they will also finally OFF that annoying Zoey character, next week, and replace her with something more exciting to watch, like, for example, paint drying on a wall . . .