[This is a snarky Lost post. One that contains subtle (if, perhaps, ineffective) attempts at using humor, to discuss certain aspects of this week’s episode. If you are a “serious” Lost fan who ONLY enjoys “serious” Lost episode analysis, this might not be the best place for you to hang out . . .]
Seeing as Lost is supposed to be a “smart show” . . .
“Sawyer is DREAMY!”
. . . and I subscribe to the school of thought that television can be educational, whenever I watch Lost, I am always on the lookout for whatever tidbits of knowledge I can glean from Damon Lindelof, Carlton Cuse and Co. Since I learned quite a few things from this week’s Jacob and MIB-centric Lost episode, I figured, why not share that knowledge with my readers? So, without further adieu, here is my list of the Ten Things I Learned from Lost’s “Across the Sea” that Might Help Me Later in Life:
1) If you are about to give birth on a seemingly deserted island, and you run into C.J. Cregg from The West Wing, except she’s looking a bit worse for wear, and rocking some SERIOUSLY bad hair extensions . . . RUN . . . AWAY . . . FAST!
2) When expecting a child, always have a few spare names handy. You never know, when you might unexpectedly give birth to twins.
Because, if your second child doesn’t have a name, people may very well start referring to him or her, by using the title of a popular comic book or movie franchise.
No child wants that . . .
3) You know how it’s considered rude to exclude people from your conversation, by whispering to others in front of them, or speaking in a different language that you know they won’t understand? Well, the same goes for dead people and haunting.
Haunt ALL of your kids or NONE of your kids! To do otherwise, is just plain mean . . .
4) Speaking of MEAN hauntings, if you plan on reaching out to your child in the afterlife, and instructing him or her to GO somewhere (like say “off the island”), it might be nice, if you told your child HOW TO GET THERE . . . (Not everyone who sees dead people, can also read their minds).
“You got THAT right!”
5) Not the favorite child in your family? That’s OK. All you have to do to remedy this is NEVER LEAVE HOME . . . EVER. That way, when the “favorite” child eventually leaves (and he or she definitely will), your “parents” will be stuck with you, and you ALONE. So they’re going have to pretend to like you better.
Still breastfed, after all these years . . .
6) A little color can spice up anyone’s wardrobe! Don’t be afraid to experiment.
The Man in Black / Man in White Look? SO LAST SEASON!
And, if, by chance, you CHOSE a particular colored wardrobe, because you are supposed to represent some sort of metaphor, like say “Good” or “Evil,” worry not. There are plenty of other ways to establish the true nature of your soul, through fashion. For example, if you are supposed to be the “bad guy,” you can wear a skull and crossbones tattoo;
or a handlebar mustache (That just screams evil!);or the Ghostface mask from Scream (See? Evil can wear WHITE too!).
7) If you have the magical ability to put “spells” on your kids to prevent them from killing one another, you might want to include YOURSELF in those spells . . . Just saying.
Tying up your potentially murderous children would be another option . . .
8 ) Speaking of spells, if you have the power to prevent yourself from getting old, and/or the unique opportunity to look the same age for all eternity, why choose middle-aged, when you can skew younger . . . like the vampires and werewolves do?
Heidi Montag, take note . . .
9) When hanging out by a deep, rock-filled, body of water with your brother, who wants you dead, prepare for the inevitable. Always keep handy the following: a life jacket,
a life saver,
and some swimmies.
Heck, even a kickboard might work, in a jam . . .
And, finally . . .
10) If you happen to end up dead and buried on a seemingly deserted island, and people find you a LONG TIME later, in the future, they are ALWAYS going to call you “Adam and/or Eve. ”
To prevent this from happening, might I suggest wearing a nametag. Here’s one I particularly like . . .
So, there you have it, my list of the ten things I learned from Lost’s “Across the Sea” that might help me (or you) later in life. Who said television wasn’t educational?