10 Things I Learned from Watching Lost’s “Across the Sea” that Might Help Me Later in Life . . .

[This is a snarky Lost post.  One that contains subtle (if, perhaps, ineffective) attempts at using humor, to discuss certain aspects of this week’s episode.  If you are a “serious” Lost fan who ONLY enjoys “serious” Lost episode analysis, this might not be the best place for you to hang out . . .]

Seeing as Lost is supposed to be a “smart show” . . .

“Sawyer is DREAMY!”

. . . and I subscribe to the school of thought that television can be educational, whenever I watch Lost, I am always on the lookout for whatever tidbits of knowledge I can glean from Damon Lindelof, Carlton Cuse and Co.  Since I learned quite a few things from this week’s Jacob and MIB-centric Lost episode, I figured, why not share that knowledge with my readers?  So, without further adieu, here is my list of the Ten Things I Learned from Lost’s “Across the Sea” that Might Help Me Later in Life:

1) If you are about to give birth on a seemingly deserted island, and you run into C.J. Cregg from The West Wing, except she’s looking a bit worse for wear, and rocking some SERIOUSLY bad hair extensions . . . RUN . . . AWAY . . . FAST!

2)  When expecting a child, always have a few spare names handy.  You never know, when you might unexpectedly give birth to twins. 

Because, if your second child doesn’t have a name, people may very well start referring to him or her, by using the title of a popular comic book or movie franchise. 

No child wants that . . .

3)  You know how it’s considered rude to exclude people from your conversation, by whispering to others in front of them, or speaking in a different language that you know they won’t understand?  Well, the same goes for dead people and haunting. 

“Oops!”

Haunt ALL of your kids or NONE of your kids!  To do otherwise, is just plain mean . . .

4) Speaking of MEAN hauntings, if you plan on reaching out to your child in the afterlife, and instructing him or her to GO somewhere (like say “off the island”), it might be nice, if you told your child HOW TO GET THERE . . .  (Not everyone who sees dead people, can also read their minds).

“You got THAT right!”

5) Not the favorite child in your family?  That’s OK.  All you have to do to remedy this is NEVER LEAVE HOME . . . EVER.  That way, when the “favorite” child eventually leaves (and he or she definitely will), your “parents” will be stuck with you, and you ALONE.  So they’re going have to pretend to like you better.

Still breastfed, after all these years . . .

6) A little color can spice up anyone’s wardrobe!  Don’t be afraid to experiment. 

The Man in Black / Man in White Look?  SO LAST SEASON!

And, if, by chance, you CHOSE a particular colored wardrobe, because you are supposed to represent some sort of metaphor, like say “Good” or “Evil,” worry not.  There are plenty of other ways to establish the true nature of your soul, through fashion.  For example, if you are supposed to be the “bad guy,”  you can wear a skull and crossbones tattoo;

 or a handlebar mustache (That just screams evil!);or the Ghostface mask from Scream (See?  Evil can wear WHITE too!).

7) If you have the magical ability to put “spells” on your kids to prevent them from killing one another, you might want to include YOURSELF in those spells . . . Just saying.

Tying up your potentially murderous children would be another option . . .

8 ) Speaking of spells, if you have the power to prevent yourself from getting old, and/or the unique opportunity to look the same age for all eternity, why choose middle-aged, when you can skew younger . . .  like the vampires and werewolves do?

Heidi Montag, take note . . .

9) When hanging out by a deep, rock-filled, body of water with your brother, who wants you dead, prepare for the inevitable.  Always keep handy the following: a life jacket,

 a life saver, 

and some swimmies. 

Heck, even a kickboard might work, in a jam . . .

And, finally . . .

10) If you happen to end up dead and buried on a seemingly deserted island, and people find you a LONG TIME later, in the future, they are ALWAYS going to call you “Adam and/or Eve. ”

To prevent this from happening, might I suggest wearing a nametag.  Here’s one I particularly like .  . .

So, there you have it, my list of the ten things I learned from Lost’s “Across the Sea” that might help me (or you) later in life.  Who said television wasn’t educational?

10 Comments

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10 responses to “10 Things I Learned from Watching Lost’s “Across the Sea” that Might Help Me Later in Life . . .

  1. This article truly brightened my day! Funny stuff!

    • Happy to help, Scott! And thanks so much for stopping by and commenting! I’ve had a brief chance to take a peek at your website. And I’m honored to have you here on my blog. You are quite the accomplished author. I’ll definitely have to check out your books sometime soon . . .

      I think there are very few of us out there who can truly appreciate how FUNNY Lost can be (either intentionally, or otherwise). I’m willing to bet Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof have pretty good senses of humor. This episode wasn’t really one of my favorites, but I am very eager for next week’s installment. I think it’s going to be a good one.

      It only took 6 years, but we are finally getting ANSWERS!

  2. Amazon Annie

    KJewls, I love your blog so much that I took my laptop on vacation so I could read it in Montreal. You are truly an international star! Thanks for the laughs…its also nice to read something in English…here everything is in French and the only thing I remember is Ou est le salle de bain….this is not much but very helpful for me…it means Where is the bathroom. Thanks for the laughs. I’ll be reading you every day.

    • When you are in a foreign country, finding the bathroom, is probably the most important survival skill to have . . . And you’ve already accomplished that, so you’re golden! Here’s hoping that Montreal is plentiful in bathrooms that are nice, clean, and spacious, for your use and pleasure . . . 😉

      And I very much appreciate your taking the time to read my little blog, across country lines, no less! I certainly hope I dont disappoint you!

      Enjoy your vacation!

  3. I agree; I think the L O S T crew have a good sense of humor as well. And while last night’s episode wasn’t exactly my cup of tea, it did have its moments. I’m a big fan of keeping some things a mystery, and I was bummed by MIB and Jacob’s mundane origins. BUT, I’m sure this was the calm before the storm that will be next week’s finale.

    Keep up the great writing! You are excellent at conveying your sense of humor!

    • Thanks so much for the vote of writing confidence, Scott! It really means a lot, especially coming from a published author.

      In terms of “Across the Sea,” “mundane origins” is right! And, was it just me, or did Jacob, for all his perceived coolness in earlier episodes, end up being kind of a boring little kid? Since it’s not my nature to bash on a child actor, I’m going to chalk this up to the writers wanting to make MIB more sympathetic. And yet, if I had my choice, and I was still a kid, I’d invite Little MIB over Little Jacob to play in my sandbox, any day. Wonder if that makes me “evil?”

      In terms of the finale, I actually think we get one more new episode next week, before the last one actually airs. Next Tuesday, we get to see why each of the “Dead” Losties “had to die.” Then, Sunday, the 23rd, is the two-hour finale. I have high hopes for both, so I hope they don’t disappoint . . .

      Thanks again for stopping by!

  4. high-larious
    i usually watch this show on Wednesdays with my brother. after we watched it today i hopped on the internet to read your recap & i laughed so hard that i had to share it with him. his favorite is #1, my favorite is “still breast feeding after all these years”

    • Aww, thanks Lola! I’m glad you enjoyed the post. And I appreciate your sharing the “blog love.”

      I know this wasn’t exactly what you would call a “comprehensive recap” (It didn’t even have any of my usual “shirtless actor” pics!), but it was a ton of fun to write! When I found that SUPER SCARY C.J. Cregg picture online, I literally squealed for joy. If ever a picture was made for a blog post, that was the one! And Jacob? Oh yeah, that guy was totally sipping from the “mammary gland” bottle well into his early 40’s . . . 😉

      Have you read some of the reviews on “Across the Sea” online yet? I don’t think a Lost episode has had such mixed reviews, since that old Nikki and Paulo episode. (Speaking of the Most Hated Couple on Lost, I’m willing to bet Cuse and Lindelof spend at least a few minutes on them in next week’s “Why they Had to Die” episode, just to stick it to us fans for bashing on them so much.)

      But snarkiness aside, I’m really psyched for next week’s episode. For one thing, Boone’s BACK! 🙂 For another, the rationales behind the deaths of my beloved characters have always been some o f MY biggest Lost questions. Don’t you wish Cuse and Lindelof could explain real life deaths too? Too bad closure like that only occurs in TV land . . .

      • I had no idea that was what they were doing next week! Now I am really excited, maybe I’ll get an explaination for Arntz (and maybe they’ll finally say If Lapidus went down with the sub). I’ve read a few reviews of the episode and you’re right, they are mixed. It wasn’t the worst episode ever but it wasn’t the best either. It would have worked better earlier in the series since they really didn’t tell us anything that we didn’t know/couldn’t guess (I am surprised by how unsurprised everyone was to find out that Jacob and MIB are twin brothers). But then again, it would be hard to follow an episode where half the main cast dies so there’s that.

      • Pretty awesome, right? I mean, I’m not 100% sure (How can you be sure of anything with Lost? :)) However, considering the episode is titled “What they died for,” and considering that Entertainment Weekly posted this interesting, but really creepy, “Portaits of The Dead” display on its website . . .

        http://www.ew.com/ew/gallery/0,,20313460_20368142,00.html

        . . . I just kind of figured that was where they were going. It’s a smart move on the writers’ part, I think, because it sort of provides the ultimate “closure” for fans on the deaths of their favorite characters. (Boone 😦 sniff, sniff).

        And yeah, in terms of “Across the Sea,” I didn’t find too many surprising revelations there . . . Most of the “twists” were telegraphed in earlier Jacob and MIB flashbacks. However, I WAS genuinely shocked, if not exactly surprised, when C.J. Cregg MURDERED Mommy Claudia. Perhaps more because it was C.J. than anything else . . . Nice work, Allison Janney, on totally creeping me out!

        Is it Tuesday, yet?

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