Career in a Slump? Bad Publicity Got You Down? – Just Get in a Fat Suit and Dance with J Lo! All Will Be Forgiven!

Fat, bald, and booty-shaking is officially the NEW sexy!

Good ole’ Tom Cruise!  This guy has had more image makeovers than Madonna!  He first made a name for himself in the early 80’s, as a promising child star, in the movie Taps, alongside other soon-to-be big names, Sean Penn and Timothy Hutton.

 Then, a few years later, he reinvented himself in Risky Business, as a shy teen, who liked hookers . . . but disliked wearing pants.

As an early twenty-something, Tom Cruise starred in Top Gun,  a very “manly” movie about fighter pilots.  Soon after, he unwittingly became an icon for gay men everywhere, thanks to this little scene . . .

Then Tom did the “serious lawyer movie” thing in A Few Good Men.  And, even though I was still prepubescent when it came out, I’m pretty sure that it was this film (and the below scene in particular) that eventually inspired me to go to law school.  Not that Tom really cares, of course . . . (Nor should he.)

And what’s a modern day acting career without a little vampiric bloodsucking?  Here’s looking at you, Vampire Lestat in Interview with a Vampire!

Since when did Victorian Age vampires have access to crimping irons?

When you’re a Hollywood star, who is constantly bombarded by the media’s preoccupation with youth, mid-life crises tends to hit YOU a bit earlier than the rest of the world.  So, when Tom was staring down his late 30’s, he did what any self-respecting male A-list star does, upon being faced with his own mortality.  He made an action movie (or, rather, four).

(Insert annoying Mission Impossible theme music here.)

This was when things got a little hairy for Tom’s heretofore stellar media image.  First there was, that “Couch Jumping Incident”

Wow!  I truly forgot how bizarre and uncomfortable that was to watch!

This was quickly followed by that Today show interview with Matt Lauer, which I like to refer to lovingly as . . . “Glib”-gate.

And, yet, just when it seemed as if all hope had been lost for reviving Tom Cruise’s seriously messed-up career, out of the darkness of Hollywood, there emerged a little film called Tropic Thunder, and a very special character named Les Grossman.

The film procured mainly positive reviews.  In particular, Tom’s portrayal of tubby, potty-mouthed studio exec, Les Grossman, was extremely favorably received.  Les Grossman went a long way toward reviving Cruise’s seemingly stalled career.  The role singlehandedly illustrated his comedic chops, his ability to laugh at himself, and his general willingness to play . . . well . . . fat and bald. 

The problem was that not EVERYBODY actually saw Tropic Thunder.  This was why, in order to stage a COMPLETE comeback, Tom needed to do this . . .

And based on my brief perusal of the message boards and entertainment rags, Tom’s Master Plan for Image Upheaval REALLY WORKED!   Mr. Cruise’s little dance with J. Lo at the 2010 MTV Movie Awards received almost uniformly positive reviews.  Some even cited it as the best moment of the ENTIRE awards show.  And, in discussing the dance, virtually NO ONE (except me, of course) made ANY MENTION AT ALL of all that Couch-Jumping, Scientology proseletyzing hoohaa! 

Congratulations Tom Cruise!  American media clearly has a very short memory . . .

Let that be a lesson to YOU, Lindsay Lohan . . .

It’s time to get fat and funky, GIRLFRIEND!


Filed under MTV Movie Awards, Tom Cruise

10 responses to “Career in a Slump? Bad Publicity Got You Down? – Just Get in a Fat Suit and Dance with J Lo! All Will Be Forgiven!

  1. imaginarymen

    Really? That ridiculously embarrassing sh*t WORKED??

    For shame America – FOR SHAME!

    I have a deep seated loathing for CrazyTom and nothing he will ever do will unseat it.

    Plus – I’m pretty sure he and ZombieBride had some “freshening” done. Their faces looked *tight* ;-p

    For an alternate view – I suggest reading this:

    • Thanks for the article link! Tom Cruise as “The Dad who did That Thing at the Party.” – Classic line! I wish I thought of that ;).

      I actually didn’t watch the awards last night. (I’m sure I’ll catch them on one of the million replays they do this week.) I heard about this from my coworkers, who were prattling on about how “hysterical” it was. Then I picked up the clip on YouTube and read all the “Tom Cruise is the Man” and “Les Grossman needs his own movie” comments. I was really kind of shocked at how quickly one dance caused people to change their opinions. Personally . . . I think it was the Scientology Aliens Jason Stackhouse was praying to during his minisode that got into everyone’s heads. 😉

      I wouldn’t be surprised if Tom got some work done, but Katie? Poor Katie looks like she’s aged decades since marrying that one . . .

      Here’s the thing. I think Tom Cruise is actually a really good actor. And if he is smart enough to keep his religious, bizarro views to himself, I MIGHT even be willing to start seeing his movies again. The problem is . . . I don’t think he CAN, in the long run. Once a zealot, always a zealot, I say . . . .

      I’m just waiting for the inevitable “Les Grossman says scientology is the Sh&T” PSA . . . Oh, it’s coming . . .

  2. I used to have my little Tom Cruise is crazy widget on my blog, so I can really appreciate this post. Mad that I missed this live on MTV, but hey, thankfully we have the internet, and cable shows that will replay moments like this.

    I had just rewatched this movie, so it was funny to me to see him dance with JLo. I’ve never been a fan of his off-screen, but his Jerry McGuire (Am I spelling that right?) was phenominal. Sigh. What has happened to him?

    • Oooh! A “Tom Cruise is Crazy” Widget! Now THAT is something I want ;). When I was researching this post, I tried to find a “couch jumping” animated gif, but came up short . . . Next time I will know to check with you first!

      Jerry Macguire was a great Pre-Nutzo Tom Cruise Movie! Renee Zellwegger was so relatable and cute-looking in it. That was before “lemon face” set in. And Cuba Gooding, Jr. was amazing! Didn’t he win an Oscar for that performance?

      I still sometimes throw catchphrases like “You complete me,” and “Show me the money” into daily conversation. Very nerdy of me, I know . . .

      I miss Pre-Nutzo Tom! Maybe someone will stage an intervention / de-programming / de-alien-ing session sometime soon, and bring him back. 😉

      Thanks so much for your fabulous comment, and for reminding me about Jerry Macguire. I may have to watch that one again . . .

  3. Buddy

    great blog on Tom kjewls, but admit it and get out of the closet, you still think he is hot and sexy and WILL watch his movies over and over again..

    • Good to see you, Buddy! Thanks for popping by and commenting!

      “Get out of the closet,” huh? – A South Park reference I presume? 🙂

      I’m generally not a huge South Park fan, but that Scientology send-up episode remains one of the funniest TV moments of all time, in my humble opinion.

      And while I certainly DID think Tom Cruise was hot . . . back in the day . . . and may even see “Knight and Day,” I doubt whether I’ll see ALL CruiseNut’s new movies. (I’ve still never seen Tropic Thunder.)

      And you’ll notice . . . no Shirtless Pics in this one . . . a clear sign of my distaste of a male actor, if there ever was one. (The volleyball scene from Top Gun was a video . . . so it doesn’t count.)

      But Tom Cruise will always have a place in my heart, as a fun and easy target. And, of course, we’ll always have Risky Business . . .

  4. wow…that’s the first time i’ve actually seen the couch jumping & the Today Show bit in full. that was…very strange. i don’t mean to be inflammatory or anything, but it seriously looked like he was on something in these clips.

    • Hey Lola! Thanks so much for stopping by! I know you have been crazy busy with packing, and I totally feel your pain. I hope these CruiseNuts clips helped to temporarily relieve your stress (and didn’t frighten you too much).

      You’re absolutely right! Tom did seem like he was on something, particularly during the Oprah interview. Watching that whole clip again made me realize that the “couch jumping” itself wasn’t even the most bizarre thing he did during that taping.

      It was his whole demeanor. The maniacal laughter, the getting down on his knees and fist pumping about five times during the show, the “beating up” of Oprah, the chasing poor Katie-bot into the green room and then forcing her on stage, the inability to form complete sentences . . . I almost HOPE he was high. Otherwise, that was a sure sign of some serious psychological dysfunction. Or, rather, since scientologists don’t believe in psychology . . . a sure sign of . . . aliens.

      But at least during the Oprah interview, Tom looked like he was having fun. During the Today show interview, he just looked PISSED OFF! And how could anyone get MAD at sweet little Matt Lauer . . . and his dorky haircut? It’s like getting mad at Big Bird on Sesame Street . . .

      I’m really hoping all that is behind Tom now, for Suri’s sake. Because I don’t think she can run away very fast in those high heels she’s always wearing!

      Good luck with the rest of your move!

  5. Amazon Annie

    Hey KJewls, great blog. You and your readers have said it all. I, too, was a Cruise fan. However, his bizarre behavior soured me on his movies. I know that you are not supposed to judge an actor by his “off screen” behavior. I just can’t help it! If an actor doesn’t want his thoughts and opinions to affect his screen popularity he or she should keep his private life and opinions private. Actors personal behavior has recently put many of them on my “don’t watch” list which is growing daily. Mel Gibson Tom Cruise, and the much less talented Lindsay Lohan are at the top of that list! Hey…even Charleton Heston who played Moses and Benhur hit my “don’t watch” list by becoming the president of the National Rifle Association and espousing the theory “Guns don’t kill people, people kill people! Yeah right! Am I being sacrilegious to boycott Moses and Judah Benhur? We are all judged by the things we say and do…I don’t think I’d be invited back if I jumped on a friends couch or called a friend “glib” in front of millions of people! Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time! Tom doesn’t have to put on a fat suit to look foolish…he does that in street clothes!Again…thanks for the great blog!

    • You are absolutely right, Amazon Annie! We all try to separate characters from the actors who play them, when we are watching movies or television shows. However, sometimes an actor will do or say something so divisive, that it becomes nearly impossible to look at him the same way, regardless of how likeable the character he is playing may be. Tom Cruise’s wackadoo behavior definitely falls into this category.

      On occasion, I will feel bad for an actor or actress whose private life is leaked to the public, and, as a result, he or she is ridiculed. While an actor should understand that he must give up some of his personal privacy, in exchange for fame and fortune, these types of leaks are undoubtedly intrusive, hurtful, and not always fair.

      But Tom Cruise? Mel Gibson? Lindsay Lohan? They brought their bad publicity on THEMSELVES! Nobody held a gun to Tom’s head and made him jump on a couch and beat up Oprah (except, maybe the aliens?). No one forced him on threat of death to insult Brooke Shields and call Matt Lauer “glib.” And nobody threatened to stab Mel and Lindsay in the back, if they didn’t get sh*tfaced in public and make total asses of themselves.

      We all have to live with the consequences of our actions, celebrities included. Does Tom Cruise deserve to be forgiven for a few crazy moments? Perhaps . . . and it seems like many people HAVE already forgiven him.

      However, it’s going to take a lot more than a fat suit and a dance to earn my “Get Out of Crazy Free” card! 🙂

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