As a recapper of television shows involving vampires, and a voracious reader of “vampire literature,” people often write to me requesting information on how one should go about turning into a vampire. I always welcome these questions. After all, the decision to make the “human-to-vampire transition” is not one that should be taken lightly. And I’ve seen far too many friends jump into this life choice, without having been truly informed as to all of its attendant consequences.
It’s like my Great, Great, Great, Great, Great Grandmother Vampire Sara once said: “Life is short, but immortality is forever.”
Don’t believe Vampire Sara? Just ask THIS GUY . . . He’s ANCIENT!
Since, regretably, I do not have the time to answer ALL of your questions (I am only human, after all), I’ve decided to devise this list of Frequently Asked Questions on the topic of vampirism. Hopefully this list will serve to shed some light on this increasingly prevalent issue.
1) How do I go about becoming a vampire?
There are some shows schools of thought that would have you believe that in order to become a vampire, all you have to do is be bitten by one.
Still other movies like The Lost Boys schools of thought would suggest that you can become a vampire, merely by drinking a few sips of another vampire’s blood.
Well GEEZ! If THAT was the case, EVERYBODY would do it, now wouldn’t they? Unfortunately, making the transition is not so easy. For starters, in most cases, it involves you DYING!
So, how do you die? Well in most cases, a hot vampire can kill you, by draining all of the human blood from your body.
If you are lucky, he will break your neck first, so you won’t actually feel any pain when he does it. And if you’re REALLY lucky, he’ll let you dance with him, half-naked, first . . .
The next step involves YOU drinking vampire blood. This part can be tricky. Especially, if you are already dead, and therefore, not thirsty. So, I say, drink lots of vampire blood NOW, while you are alive. This way, by the time you want to turn, it won’t be an issue anymore.
Not sure where to get vampire blood? Call me . . . I have some L.A. connections . . .
But don’t wait too long . . . because I have a feeling my “connection” is going to “dry up” real soon.
For those of you with cash to burn, rumor has it that, somewhere in a remote village in Alaska, there is a medical clinic that can perform the procedure in three days. So you can become immortal, and be back at work in NO TIME! The procedure is performed by a well-renown plastic surgeon . . .
. . . and a highly experienced anesthesiologist . . .
All it takes is a simple lethal injection, and a quick-as-a-wink blood transfusion. The best part? NO unnecessary bodily decay or unsightly death scars! In fact, many local celebrities have already been spotted frequenting the clinic . . .
Feel free to contact the Alaska Division of Tourism for more information on this exciting opportunity.
2) All the vampires I know are young and/or hot. I’m old as dirt and ugly as sin. Can I still be a vampire?
First of all, sir. I am SURE you are NOT nearly as old or ugly as you say you are. (pauses to look at the picture included as e-mail attachment – gags reflexively)
Hmmmmm . . . OK . . . well . . . Surely, there are SOME vampires that are neither young nor hot. Let me think about this for a moment . . .
Nope. You are right. Unfortunately, there just doesn’t seem to be a real market out there for old ugly bloodsuckers. Sorry about that. Thanks for playing. Better luck next life time . . .
3) What about that whole “can’t go out in the sunlight” thing? I’m kind of a morning person. So, I’m not sure I could handle that.
I can see how the whole “sunlight allergy” and “dead until dark” thing, could put a real crimp in your social and professional life. Fortunately, today’s vampires have found many ways around this pesky inconvenience. For example, you could, wear ugly sun-repellant jewelry like those boys in The Vampire Diaries . . .
. . . or pour glitter all over your naked body, like a drag queen at a gay nightclub . . .
And if THAT doesn’t work, just suck it up and hang out with other vampires, who keep your same hours . . .
After you’ve become a super cool vampire, you aren’t going to want to associate with us lame ass humans, anyway.
4) I’m a pretty peaceful person. I just don’t know if it’s in me to kill other people for their blood. How would I survive?
Wait . . . you mean to tell me that you DON’T lick and bite people for fun? Clearly, you are missing out.
You see, nowadays, most vampires don’t need to kill to survive. There are lots of other options available to you. For example, you can take a little nip of your lover during foreplay. Very sexy!
You can also “borrow” blood from blood banks, like that dude from Moonlight . . .
. . . Or drink that synthetic stuff that looks like beer, but tastes like orange soda . . .
And, FINALLY, if you HATE little defenseless animals, and have no heart, you can go out into the woods and drink from Bambi’s mother . . .
Personally, I think this is the WORST / most immoral of ALL the above options. However, folks in the literary world seem to equate Deer-Sucking with sainthood. So far be it for me to judge, right?
5) Will I have any special powers when I’m a vampire?
You mean, ASIDE from being IMMORTAL, HOT and TOTALLY AWESOME? . . . Plenty. As a vampire, you will have super-human strength and speed.
You will also f*ck like a rockstar . . .
Some say that you can even fly. But, as far as I’m concerned, the coolest vampire skill of all that you will obtain is your ability to control people’s minds.
Aside from being hot, young, and Olympic-caliber f&ckers, THIS is probably the main reason why vampires ALWAYS get their mate. Call it compulsion; call it “glamour;” call it “persuasion.” Whatever you call it, it always works the same way. Stare at your target with your beautiful eyes. She falls into a deep trance. You tell her exactly what you want her to do. She does it. Now, how awesome is THAT?
6) Do I REALLY need to be invited in EVERY time I want to enter a new human’s home?
The fact that you are even asking this question tells me that you are a completely rude turd, with no manners whatsoever . . . no offense. YES, you have to be invited in! But the better question is, why is that a problem for you? Is it your “thing” to just randomly go barging into people’s houses uninvited? Talk about a BAD house guest.
Fish and YOU smell after three days . . .
Coincidentally, if you REALLY want to get into someone’s house, and the person isn’t inviting you in, just COMPEL him or her to WANT to invite you inside. Problem solved.
7) I’ve been a vampire for many, MANY years now. All my friends are dead. I’m bored. What do I do now?
Ugh! Type O, AGAIN? I just drank that on Tuesday!
Simple. Off yourself. There are plenty of easy ways to do it. For starters, you can, go on vacation someplace tropical . . .
Take a long walk into a short stake . . .
. . . lose your head . . .
(I made this picture small, because it creeped me out too much, when it was larger.)
. . . or just hang out with Buffy . . .
You’ll be chilling in Heaven in NO TIME! Well . . . maybe not Heaven . . .
8 ) Any parting advice before I make “the change?”
Yes . . . invest in some good dental insurance. You are going to have some f*&ked up teeth, for sure!
Well, that’s all I’ve got, folks. See you on the “Other Side.”