This week on True Blood, we have a TWO for ONE, Dead Vampire Special! Get ’em while their bloody! (Heads sold separately.)
And for a limited time, we will even throw in a DEAD WEREWOLF! Call now, while supplies last!
Well, certainly no one could say this episode was uneventful! All of the show’s major plotlines advanced significantly from where they were at this time last week. Plus, as I mentioned earlier, we lost, not one, not two, but THREE big bad villians (two of which were REALLY annoying!) As if that wasn’t enough, we also made some strides in figuring out what the heck Sookie Glow Fingers IS! (Unless, of course, you’ve read the books, in which case you already know.)
Hint: She is NOT an alien!
So, without further adieu, let’s get on with the recap, shall we?
Guess she’ll never get to wear that Rib Cage Hat she always wanted . . .
It gives the phrase “Fashion Suicide” a whole new meaning . . .
When the episode opens, we are hanging out in the slave quarters with Sookie, Lorena, and a Very Bloody Bill. Lorena literally has Sookie by the neck, and she’s biting down . . . HARD! She pauses for a moment to savor her meal. “You’re delicious,” Lorena remarks.
(Who knew blood was such a complex gourmet delicacy? Later in the episode, Eric rated Hadley’s blood three stars. I’m betting Sookie’s more of a five-star meal . . .)
“I would very much like to serve her with my blood gelato! Delicious!”
Lorena then echos Season 2 villian Maryanne’s sentiments, by exclaiming out loud to Sookie, “What are you?”
Unfortunately for Lorena, she doesn’t have much time to ponder this question, because Bill has somehow managed to unnail himself from the floor. He then grabs Lorena from behind (kinky!) and pulls her on top of him, wrapping the evil wench in the silver chains that earlier immobilized him. Sookie grabs hold of a stake and holds it over Lorena, as Bill restrains her. “Do it!” Bill implores.
But Sookie hesitates, until Lorena offers a final pitying plea. “I love you,” she whines to Bill, tears dripping down her sallow cheeks.
“You wouldn’t know love if it bit you in the face,” screams Sookie, as she pummels the stake into Lorena’s chest, causing the latter’s innards to spew forth like water from a geyser.
Wading through soggy bits of Lorena, Sookie finally makes her way over to Bill, who’s alive, but barely. Unfortunately for them, their oh-so-romantic reunion is interrupted, when Alcide and Tara bust through the doors, ready to rescue!
Oh . . . yeah . . . you too, I guess.
Alcide wants the group to skedaddle, since they have werewolves on their tail. But noooo . . . Sookie’s all, “Beeeel, Beeelll! I can’t leave Beeeell!”
So, despite Tara’s repeated pleas that they leave him to rot, the group ultimately decide to drag “Beeeeeel” with them. They wrap him up in an old white blanket, and slowly move the DEAD (in more ways then one) weight toward the door. But they can’t leave yet, because someone else has joined the party. It’s Trailer Trash Debbie!
Just like Malibu Barbie, only skankier.
“A Vampire Burrito, for me? Oh, you shouldn’t have!” Deb exclaims, drool seeping out both sides of her vampire-blood addicted mouth.
Trailer Trash Debbie waves a gun in everybody’s face, hoping our stalwart crew will give up the burrito without a fight. Alcide tries to reason with the girl. But there’s no just no reasoning with Stupid. Fortunately, Tara has a plan, which she thinks about in her head, using Sookie’s mind reading abilities to her advantage. It’s about time SOMEONE did this!
“Cause a distraction, and I’ll do the rest,” thinks Tara.
So, Sookie “distracts” in the way she knows best, namely, SCREAMING HER HEAD OFF! (Something she does quite a lot throughout the episode, and, yet, never seems to lose her voice. Wow, that IS magical! Sookie’s annoying scream is a much deadlier weapon than her Glow Fingers, in my opinion.)
While Debbie contemplates suicide (anything to make that ungodly noise stop), Tara tackles her to the ground, just as Bill did to the now-dead Lorena earlier. Strengthened by Psycho Vampire Franklin’s blood, Tara is fairly adept at keeping Debbie down. That is, of course, until the slave quarters are visited by yet another guest. (Geez, who sent out the party invitations?) It’s COOT!
“Hello . . . goodbye.”
Boy, for all his hemming and hawing about doing anything to help Sookie up to this point, Alcide sure was quick on the trigger to shoot and kill Coot! In fact, after nailing him with a bullet to the heart, he shot him again in the chest, just to make sure he REALLY got him.
“Now, who has the Best Abs of Them All? B*tch!”
As Tara and Sookie carry Bill Burrito out of the slave quarters, Alcide stays behind to engage in some hot foreplay with Trailer Trash Deb!
“Gunplay Sex. It’s a Were Thing. You wouldn’t understand.”
Obviously, the addition of this scene was meant to add some sort of insight into why someone FABULOUS, like Alcide, would waste his time and energy on a Greasy Royal Nutball, like Trailer Trash Debbie. However, it just didn’t ring true for me. First, Trailer Trash Debbie starts crying big ole’ crocodile tears about Alcide not wanting to have a were baby with her.
“Awww, Debbie! It has your she-mullet!”
Then, she accuses Alcide of turning on his “own kind.” Finally, she threatens to hunt him down and kill him. Alcide says nothing. He simply sighs, locks Trailer Trash Debbie in the slave quarters, and leaves.
Out back, Tara and Sookie are waiting by Alcide’s truck, into which they have just tossed Burrito Bill. Ever the glutton for punishment, Sookie refuses to leave Bill’s side, and is therefore chucked into the back of the truck with him. As Alcide, Tara, Sookie, and Bill escape Russell’s compound, the evil Wolf Pack begin to give chase . . .
NO! Not that Wolf Pack, this wolf pack . . .
“Who let the dogs out? Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof!”
And, you gotta hand it to Alcide, because AGAIN the dude didn’t even think twice, before running the evil bowsers over with his car and turning them into roadkill stew. Now, I hate to EVER agree with Trailer Trash Debbie, but her earlier comment about Alcide turning on his own kind? Kind of true.
It’s a good thing you’re so pretty!
Meanwhile, in the back of the truck, Sookie slices her wrist open so that Bill can feed and revive himself. Things start off OK, but we ALL know from past experience that Bill is an extremely piggy eater.
“What can I say? I eat my feelings.”
Within minutes, he’s pinned Sookie to the floor, and has drained enough blood from her, so as to render the poor girl unconscious. When Tara finds out, she’s pissed! She immediately tosses Burrito Bill’s ass out into the summer sun, before slamming the door to the truck and driving away.
“Was it something I ate?”
Fortunately, for Bill, he has enough strength, thanks to his Sookie Smorgasboard, to dash back into the safety of the Darkness.
Just Like in the Fairytales . . . (if fairytales included vampires, which they usually don’t)
“Sookie, I don’t think we’re in Bon Temps anymore!”
Tara and Alcide rush Sookie to the hospital where doctors and nurses attempt a blood transfusion on her to compensate for all that blood Burrito Bill took. But the minute the blood enters Sookie’s system she begins to convulse. “Try a different blood type,” Tara pleads.
“You’re friend doesn’t have a blood type,” explains the doctor.
“She’s in a coma. You should notify her family and prepare them,” explains the doctor
No blood type? Who doesn’t have a bloodtype? Maybe Sookie is an alien after all!
Poor E.T. Sookie!
Tara calls Jason, who has been busy throughout the episode, trying to score Crystal’s drug addicted cousin some meth, so that he will spill the beans as to why she won’t date him. Because, REALLY, who in their right mind wouldn’t date Jason Stackhouse?
Someone crazy AND blind, that’s who!
Upon hearing the news, Lafayette rushes Jason to the hospital, and the two men are at Sookie’s bedside almost immediately. When a lawyer rushes upon Jason and starts to pepper him with “next of kin” questions, Jason becomes extremely flustered. “I can’t be responsible. I am not responsible,” repeats Jason over and over again like a child.
It’s kind of heartbreaking, actually . . .
Meanwhile, Sookie is having a grand old time in Dreamland or Comaland, or whereever the heck she wakes up in that frilly tutu-type outfit she’s wearing. Tutu Sookie wanders toward a glowing lake, filled with frolicking, half-naked folks. It is at this lake that she meets Claudine . . .
Claudine and Sookie seem very close, even though Sookie has never met her in her life. And Claudine has this weird airy and disembodied voice, that reminds me of what I sound like when I’m really drunk but trying to act sober. Speaking of drunk, lord knows what’s in that glowing cup, Claudine fills for Sookie! “You’ve drank it before,” insists Claudine, as the two leave to go frolicking in the forest with the rest of the wackadoo nudie hippies.
But then, suddenly, the sky in Comaland goes black, and all of the wackadoo hippies escape into the safety of the waters. “Come with us,” implores Claudine. “Your parents didn’t drown, that wasn’t what killed them,” she continues, reading Sookie’s fear of water, just as Sookie has read the minds of so many others before her.
But of course, Sookie won’t go. After all, she KNOWS that darkness! It’s “Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllllll!”
Yes, ladies and gentleman our Vampire Almost Sookie Killer has arrived at the hospital. Bill, who unlike everyone else on the show, seems to know EXACTLY what Sookie is, instantly recognizes that human blood will not be able to help her. His blood, however, will. Ignoring Tara’s exclamation of “Oh hell no,” Bill emplores Jason to let Sookie have a taste.
The adorable Jason reluctantly complies. And it’s so friggin cute, how this grown man, who was once addicted to V, flinches like a child about to get a shot, when Bill opens up a vein with his teeth. Then again, coming from the guy who still believes in Santa at 30, are we really surprised?
Bill attaches his arm to the IV, and allows his blood to flow in to Sookie’s bloodstream, effectively saving the life he had almost taken.
(I’d like to take a moment here, if you don’t mind, to give a little nod to my fellow Sookie Stackhouse Book readers, who know that this was NOT how it was supposed to go down! Now I know, Alan Ball is certainly entitled to take a few liberties between the books and the series, but why this one? Especially when the original plotline was so much sexier . . .
. . . It’s times like these when I wonder whether Alan Ball and I are on the same “Team,” if you catch my drift?)
Yet, when Sookie wakes up and sees the “love of her life,” by her side, she screams her head off. And it’s not a loving “Beeeeeeeeeelllll” scream, either . . .
Trouble i paradise, I presume?
Meanwhile . . .
It’s a “dog eat dog” world out there . . . literally.
Determined to rescue Tommy from the wild and wacky world of dogfighting, Sam drives down to East Deliverance Bon Temps (complete with a Dueling Banjos soundtrack) in an attempt to infiltrate the dog fighting ring and rescue Tommy. The owner of the ring doesn’t trust Sam, despite that ridiculous “I’m a cool bad ass mo fo” voice Sam uses on him, in order to gain access. So, Sam, always a “thinker,” morphs into a pit bull . . .
. . . and wanders into the holding pen himself, where he is quickly led to a cage by some toothless wonder. But before Toothless can lock him up, Sam morphs back into his hot shirtless human form . . .
. . . and beats the crap out of the guy. He then literally “Let’s the Dogs Out,” all of them . . .
When the dog fight patrons see all their dogs escaping into the wild, they abandon the dog match they are currently watching (which just so happens to feature Tommy and some ACTUAL dog), to go salvage their respective meal tickets. With his magic Dog Whisperer tendencies, Sam gets the dog who is fighting Tommy to escape as well, so that only he and the Mickens remain in the ring. Ma and Pa do not look happy to see him.
“Who let the dogs out? Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof!”
“I thought Tara’s mom was crazy, but you guys take the cake,” scolds Sam, forgetting that the Mickens don’t have a television, and, therefore can’t watch True Blood, and don’t know who the f*ck Tara’s mom is.
Sam implores Tommy to escape the suffocating wrath of his evil Trashy Parents and come live with him. “I can’t promise you a perfect life, but it is sure as hell going to be better than the one you have now,” he pitches.
So, Sam and Tommy ride off into the sunset. And they all live happily ever after . . . well, almost . . .
In Other News . . .
But he’s not with Jessica . . .
He’s with this chick instead . . .
At least for now . . . But I’m not worried . . .
Because Perpetual Virgin love always wins out in the end!
Weddings can make you lose your head . . .
Poor J.J. from Big Love. We barely knew ye . . . (but, already, we didn’t like you very much).
Back in the Queen’s castle, Sophie Anne is somehow locked in a giant bird cage.
“Is this supposed to be some kind of metaphor or something?”
Eric strolls on to the scene, still wearing that fabulous Panty Dropper Blue Sweater we all love so much, and handling Sophie Anne’s girl toy, Hadley.
Eric basically threatens Sophie Anne to tell him everything she knows about Sookie, or he’ll eat her girlfriend. Sophie Anne looks visibly shaken by this news, but refuses to speak. However, the minute Eric’s fangs break into Hadley’s skin, HADLEY starts talking. Hadley explains that she is Sookie’s cousin. She also whispers in Eric’s ear what exactly Sookie is. Unfortunately the audience can’t hear it.
Eric looks surprised, and a little turned on by the discovery. “Well, now that’s something I wouldn’t have expected,” he muses, feeding Hadley some of his blood as a reward.
So, it looks like SOMEONE else will be having hot Vampire Eric Dreams, very soon . . . LUCKY B*TCH!
Eric, Sophie Anne, and Big Gay Vampire King of Mississippi Russell then head back to Shreveport, where the Evil Magister is about to pierce poor Vampire Pam’s eyebrows.
“Oh, that is not going to match my wardrobe at all!”
Eric implores the Magister to stop, explaining that it was Sophie Anne, not Eric who ordered the dealing of the V. Sophie Anne surprises the Magister, by corroborating this. The Magister is noticeably shocked that a “subjec”t like Eric would betray his Queen, and that she would allow it. “I pledge complete fealty to the Vampire King of Mississippi,” explains Eric.
This is when scary Russell butts in to explain to the Magister in painstaking detail everything that has happened with this particular storyline since the first episode . . . . zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
“What? I love the sound of my own voice. Don’t you?”
Russell then quickly unties Pam and throws her into the safety of Eric’s arms. The two share a sweet father / daughter moment (Eric running his fingers through Pam’s hair, and making sure she is OK) which was absolutely the only nice thing about this entire scene.
Russell then ties the Magister up, and after some lame extravagant speech about “survival of the fittest,” forces the Magister to marry him and Queen Sophie Anne. But then, just as the newlyweds are about to leave, Russell decides he has one more errand to run . . . and it involves batting practice.
“Say hello to my little friend the true death,” proclaims Russell, as he slices into the Magister’s head, with all the zeal of a rambunctious kid, playing a game of tee ball.
End scene . . . roll credits.
So, that was “Hitting the Ground,” folks. What did you think?