“We are going to EAT YOU!” – A Recap of True Blood’s “Everything is Broken”

OK.  So what’s the deal with Vampires and their Dead People Souvenirs?  I mean, think about it.  We’ve got Russell and his Talbot-filled urn . . .

“I look like a delicious Blood Gelato!”

Eric and his daddy’s crown . . .

and Lorena and her Rib Cage Hat  . . .

You would think that creatures who have been around for hundreds of years would have learned a thing or two about CLOSURE, by now.  Apparently not . . .

The Softer Side of Eric Northman

Yes, I know that Eric and Sookie had NO SCENES together AGAIN this week.  But that doesn’t mean they can’t have scenes together on my blog, dammit!

After watching Eric behave particularly ruthlessly last week (He both hoodwinked the King, AND killed his lover.), it was interesting to see him vulnerable and very much on the defensive, this week.  When the episode begins, Eric Northman is on the run from Russell, with sexy bits of Talbot still hanging off his open-shirted body . . .

In fact, Eric probably could have really used one of THESE, today!   (More wishful thinking on my part.)

By the way, even though I was mourning the noticeable absence of Eric’s Blue Panty Dropper Sweater, this week . . .

Clearly, SOOKIE liked it too!

 . . . the sight of an Open-Shirted Eric on my television screen went a long way in providing ME with closure.  (Not to mention, more dropped panties in the TV Recapper Household.)

But I digress . . . So, Eric rushes into Fangtasia and instructs Vampire Pam that the two of them will need a place to hide, until all of this blows over. 

“They’ll never recognize us in THESE!”

Vampire Pam immediately suggests the duo hide out at Sookie’s house.

But Eric nixes the idea immediately, because that would be the first place Russell would look.

So, Vampire Pam suggests Dumb Waitress Ginger’s house, as a backup plan.

“Ooh, golly!  I just LOVE slumber parties!  I just wish they didn’t always end with me getting an STD . . .”

Unfortunately, before Vampire Pam can glamour Ginger into letting her and Eric stay at her place, the police arrive  . . . The VAMPIRE POLICE, a.k.a. The American Vampire League.

“The clothing may seem like a bit much.  But we just came from eating the cast of The Matrix.  All that tight leather just seemed too good to waste!”

For reasons that escape my understanding, Vampire Nan Flanagan immediately orders one of her crew of extras from Terminator 4 to “silver” Eric, which, I guess, is the vampire equivalent to tasering.

“I’m so friggin constipated!  I KNEW I shouldn’t have eaten Taco Bill for dinner, last night.”

“It’s called Compton-zuma’s Revenge,  b*tch!”

When the “silvering” happens, Ginger starts randomly screaming her head off . . .

I would have HATED to be on set the day they auditioned people for this character.  Can you imagine?  Hours and hours, of women screaming at the top of their lungs.

Yes, Vampire Eric (a.k.a. Mr. Stamina), we know YOU can imagine it very well.

As it turns out, Nan and her Robo Cops aren’t interested in Eric’s role in Talbot’s death at all.  Instead, they are concerned about the death of the Magister.

It’s OK.  I forgot about him too.  With all these pretty dead characters, the average-looking ones often get short shrift.

If you recall, it was Russell, not Eric,  over whom the Magister  . . . um . . . “lost his head” a few weeks back.  Eric tells Vampire Nan and her cronies as much, during his “webcam testimony.”  With a stoic expression that thinly veils his anguish, Eric (in a performance worthy of an Emmy nomination) completely exposes himself to the American Vampire League.  Fighting back bloody tears, Eric tells of his family’s demise by Russell’s army of V- addicted (leaving out, of course, the whole, “I only survived, because I was schtupping the milkmaid” part.) 

He also tells the Vampire League of Russell’s current dealings with werewolves, and his desire to overthrow the Vampire League, thus allowing vampires to walk the world freely, eating whoever they want, whenever they want them.”

“Check me out, on my high horse.”

Eric concludes with a request that he be allowed kill Russell, himself.

Nan agrees to take Eric’s testimony back to the American Vampire League for its review.  However, during that time, Eric and Pam are kept on lockdown at Fangtasia pending a verdict.  Fearing that the League will use Eric as a scapegoat for the Magister’s death, rather then prosecute the powerful King Russell, Eric mentally prepares himself to be put to “final death.”

In yet another emotional scene, Vampire Eric tells Vampire Pam that if he doesn’t make it out of this “trial” alive, Pam should create a new vampire.  “It is time for you to be a Maker,” says Eric, tearfully.

“My future Grandpa is SO HOT!”

It’s interesting that, while Vampire Bill considers his vampiric nature a curse, and was anguished over having to make Vampire Jessica, Vampire Eric clearly has pride in his species, and, apparently, feels some obligation to extend his “familial line” within it.

The next day Nan Flanagan returns to give Vampire Eric the good news.  Not only will he NOT be put to death for killing the Magister (which he didn’t do) or for killing Talbot (which he did), he will also be given free reign by the Vampire League to kill King Russell, provided he does so without the help or outward approval of the League.

“I know what you are . . . (but I plan to drag out telling you for as many episodes as possible).”

“I know something YOU don’t!  I know something YOU don’t!  Nah Nah Nah Nah, Nah, Nahhhh!”

OK.  They’ve officially strung along this “What is Sookie?” mystery for WAY TOO LONG!  With all of this buildup, people are just bound to be disappointed, when they find out the truth.  Anyway, most of Sookie’s storyline this week involved her trying to figure out what exactly she is, and why her gifts seem to be, at least, partially, genetic.  (Jason has yet to exhibit glow fingers, to our knowledge.)

Perhaps, he reserves his glowing for OTHER parts of his anatomy, if you catch my drift . . .

When we first see Sookie, she is taking a bloody shower with Vampire Bill .  . .

Watching this particular “bloody shower” scene reminded me of two things . . . well, images, actually.  Wanna see them?  Sure you do!  Here’s image one . . .

 . . . and here’s (the much nicer) image two . . .

Unfortunately, this was NEITHER of those shower scenes.  In this one, Bill and Sookie exchange quite a bit of blood.  A portion of this is accomplished by Vampire Bill fervently jabbing his bloody finger into Sookie’s gaping wounds.   (Ummm . . . Owww?)  Believe it or not, this kinky sex act is actually crucial to the plot of this episode . . . And, no, I’m not just saying that sarcastically.

When Sookie emerges from her Shower of Pain, she stumbles upon a dead naked dude in her living room.  Now, while the Sookie of previous seasons would likely have reacted to the sight, by doing this . . .

“Beeeeeeeeeeaaaaal!”

 . . . new and improved Sookie just looked kind of bored.

“Dammit!  I ORDERED a TALL naked corpse.  This one is 5’8”, tops!”

When a contrite Vampire Bill tries to explain to Sookie his whole “dead werewolf sob story,” Sookie cuts him off, completely uninterested in any excuse he may have.  “There’s an old tarp outside.  We can use it to cover him,” she suggests helpfully.

While the on-again, off-again couple are dragging the dead body outside to be buried, they bicker like an old married couple about love, trust and relationship expectations.  I found this scene, in particular, a bit bothersome, as, during it, Sookie is basically reitering to Bill her “dumping” speech from the week prior.  Since then, precisely NOTHING has changed, of course.  All of the problems that existed in the relationship between Sookie and Bill previously (Sookie’s non-immortality, perpetual danger, a lack of love and trust) are still there.  And yet, Sookie took Vampire Bill back in less than an hour’ s time.  That vamp must be SUPER in the sack, that’s all I’M saying . . .

But, not as good as Mr. Stamina, I bet!

Once the body has been buried, Sookie begins to interrogate Bill about that dossier he seems to have on her.  “I don’t know how things were back in the 1800’s, but today, when your boyfriend keeps a file of personal information on you, that’s just plain creepy!”  Sookie gripes.

“It’s not just creepy, Sookie.  It’s Rib Cage Hat, creepy!”

Bill claims he collected the dossier to find out why Eric Northman was so interested in Sookie, so that he could “protect her” from Eric.

Why is everyone blaming Eric Northman for their problems, today?  We all KNOW from watching previous episodes that BILL and Queen Sophie Anne knew about Sookie’s “special  talents,” long before Eric Northman had any clue.   And in terms of Eric’s “interest” in Sookie, up until last week, IT has been almost entirely of a sexual nature . . .

Later, Sookie sits alone in her living room examining Vampire Bill’s “file” on her, which, truth be told, makes a WAY better scrapbook than the empty and super lame “Sookie and Bill” one, that Sookie cried over last week.

It figures that Vampire Bill would be good at this sort of thing.  Right?

In Sookie’s defense, Vampire Bill has had 100’s of years to practice the art of scrapbooking, while Sookie has had only about 26.

In the “scrapbook,” Sookie comes across an article about her father’s public claim that he possessed a “sixth sense” about certain things.  This caused Sookie to wonder whether other members of her family were telepaths too.  And THAT was where young Hunter came in . . .

“If  my son ends up being anything like YOU, I’ll kill myself.  No offense.”

While Sookie is examining Bill’s “pretty” scrapbook, she receives a call from her Counsin Hadley, who has somehow escaped the Vampire King’s mansion and wants to see her cousin before she leaves.  Sookie meets Hadley at a bus station.  There, Hadley apologizes to Sookie for blabbing the origins of her “super secret powers” to the ENTIRE vampire community.

Apparently,  Hadley had become deeply enmeshed in that comunity, lately, due to her having become Queen Sophie Anne’s favorite sex toy . . . . 

This is Hadley.

Of course, even though she has already told most of the Vampire World, Hadley NEVER tells Sookie, herself, what she is, because that would just be too easy . . . (She’s saving it for sweeps week, perhaps?)  Of course, Hadley has not only come to Sookie to apologize, she has also come to “test” her son. Hadley fears that if Hunter is “like Sookie,” that he will be in danger of being tracked down by the vampires too.  So, Sookie sits down next to Hunter and tries to speak to him with her mind.  Lo and behold, HUNTER is a telepath too!

When Hadley finds this out, she grabs her child and escapes the bus terminal,  faster than you can say, “Beeeeeeeeeaaaaal!”

Ummmm . . . yeah . . . because THAT’S not insulting at all!

“Was it something I mind read?”

Dream a Little Dream . . . of Electroshock Therapy.

That day, due to his ingestion of massive quantities of Sookie’s blood, Vampire Bill finds himself in the same cheeseball dream sequence Sookie inhabited just a few weeks earlier.  You know, the one with all the flowers and the spaced out dancers?

When Claudine .  . .

 . . . notices that Bill’s in her little “Hippy Dippy, Age of Aquarius” forest, she becomes immediately convinced that Bill has killed Sookie.  She then zaps his face with her glow fingers, causing him to crumble onto the grass.

Once, he has recovered, Bill tries to glean information about Sookie from Claudine.  Truth be told, Bill gets very little direct intel.  Rather, for most of the visit, Claudine continually (and annoyingly) babbles about how Vampire Bill is “stealing Sookie’s light” and blah, blah, blah. 

Claudine does, however, reveal to Bill that it is her purpose in life to protect Sookie.  “Wow, you must be doing a really sh*tty job, then.  Because that b*tch gets her ass kicked in almost every episode,” retorts Vampire Bill, echoing the thoughts of the entire True Blood fanbase.

And yet, sh*tty security detail or no, Vampire Bill leaves the dream sequence knowing EXACTLY what Sookie Stackhouse is.  “I know what you are,” brags Vampire Bill, when he reunites with her the next evening.

And .  . . then the scene ends.  You know what that makes YOU, True Blood?

Jason Stackhouse leads the War Against Inbreeding

“Take that procreators of two-headed babies!”

Speaking of cockteases, you know who else is one?  THIS GIRL!

Once again, Jason barges into Crystal’s trailer, and once again she is there with her betrothed (and probably brother) Felton.  As if that isn’t bad enough, Crystal tells that loony hick Felton that Jason RAPED HER!

Felton, who has always prided himself on being the ONLY one who can rape Crystal, charges at Jason, knocking his gun from his hand.  Then, Crystal, undoubtedly realizing that all of this is her fault, knocks Felton unconscious by pistol whipping him from behind. 

“Will you stop making me a rapist?”  Jason whines, as the two try to determine how to move the unsconscious Felton’s limp body.  The pair ultimately decide to tie him to a nearby tree in the forest, using rope (because handcuffs don’t work on him, according to Crystal).

Once that is done, Jason, doing an awesomely bad impersonation of a female for no reason whatsoever, alerts the authorities to Felton’s whereabouts. 

“While I have you on the phone, I was wondering .  . . can I borrow some tampons?”

In a surprisingly astute, though highly unethical move, Jason also plants a plastic bag filled with vampire blood in Felton’s pocket, before fleeing the scene with Crystal.

The next day, Jason and Crystal head to the police station, and are alarmed to learn that Kevin, the police officer who visited Felton on account of Jason’s call, was beaten to a bloody pulp by all the other inbreds living in the trailer park.  Now completely determined to get vengeance upon these Deliverance movie extras, Jason approaches Andy with a surprisingly devious and well- thought out plan as to how the Bon Temps PD can infiltrate and arrest the entire trailer park.  The plan is to use the (planted) bag of vampire blood found on Felton as  probable cause to search the trailer park’s premises for crystal meth.  The fact that JASON came up with this idea, and Andy didn’t leads to only one logical conclusion.

 . . . these two have temporarily swapped brains.

But Jason and Andy weren’t the only ones not acting like themselves this week.  You know who else wasn’t?  THIS GUY  . . .

When Calvin Norris, Leader of the Inbreeds, came into Merlotte’s to chew out Crystal for snitching on her own family, Sam surprised everybody, by going totally Incredible Hulk on his ass, tearing up his own bar, and knocking over Crystal in the process.

After Calvin was shipped off to the hospital, Jason triumphantly shared with Crystal his “brilliant” plan to bring down the evil members of her trailer park community.  He presumed this Great Ideea would help him get laid  . . .

 . . . again.  Instead, Crystal cried hysterically at the thought of her father/brother, cousin/ grandfather, sister / mother-in-law etc., possibly going to jail.  She then stormed out of Merlotte’s, leaving a flustered and highly unsatisfied Jason in her wake.

“So much for an early Christmas present.  Maybe there is no such thing as Santa Claus, after all . . .”

Franklin’s BACK!  Annnnnnnd . . . now, he’s gone again!

I never realized how much I truly missed using this disturbing picture in my recaps, until I couldn’t use it anymore . . .

If Jason was suffering any ill effects from his recent endeavors with Crystal . . .

. . . he sure wasn’t showing it.  In fact, when Jason saved Tara from the clutches of the Evil and Unsquashable, Franklin Mott, he seemed like he had Balls of Steel!

But, perhaps, I should backtrack a bit.  When we last saw Franklin, he looked a lot like THIS . . .

 . . . because Tara had hit him with THIS . . .

 . . . while he was sleeping.

Understandably, this was a highly traumatic experience for Tara, who spends most of the episode coping emotionally with her post-traumatic stress.  She even attends a rape support group, alongside, new Merlotte’s waitress, Holly.  Then, toward the end of the episode, Tara finds herself face to face with her living nightmare, once again . . .

“I’m Baaaack!”

Giving no explanation whatsoever as to HOW he survived Tara’s head bashing, Looney Franklin accosts Tara outside Merlotte’,s and threatens her life.  His threats are surprisingly half-hearted, as the vamp actually appears to be more HURT than angry that the “love of his life” tried to literally bash his head in with a blunt object.  In fact, when Tara informs him that she would rather die than spend another second with him, Franklin actually looks like he is about to cry.  And it is in that teary moment, that JASON COMES TO THE RESCUE!

In his THIRD smart move of the night (I’m pretty sure this is a record of some sort.), Jason somehow has the foresight to preload his gun with wooden bullets, which are the only kind that can actually KILL vampires.  (Apparently, Tara could have saved herself a lot of trouble, by simply doing some internet research at the Big Gay Mississippi Mansion where Franklin was holding her captive.) 

So, Jason fires a few rounds at Franklin, and THIS happens . . .

Talk about CLOSURE!

In Other News . . .

Arlene, convinced her new baby will be EVIL . . .

. . . because it’s REAL daddy was a serial killer . . .

 . . . talks to new waitress, Holly, about terminating her pregnancy.

Plus . . .

Hoyt and Jessica . . .

 . . . FINALLY shared a sweet moment together . . .

. . . after weeks of pining after eachother separately.   In fact, Hoyt went as far as to admit that he HATED his lame-ass, biscuit-baking, antique- scouting, doll-hugging, new girlfriend, Summer . . .

 . . . but was staying with her anyway, because he was afraid to be alone.  This admission caused the Baby Vamp to burst into tears . . .

 . . . which, of course . . . Tommy Mickens interpreted as a grand opportunity to get into her Perpetual Virgin panties . . .

Speaking of Tommy .  . .

He’s a thief, who enjoys sassing his elders, and slutting about with big boobed floosies . . .

 . . . but, for whatever, reason, I sort of like him anyway.  Weird.

Also . . .

Lafayette and Jesus seem to be having a lot really hot sex.  And Jesus looks adorable in Lafayette’s Queeny Pink Kimono.  If that’s not a sign of a long- lasting relationship, I don’t know what is. 

 (I’m not really sure where they are going with this sweet, but kind of dull, storyline.  Are you?)

And finally . . .

Russell Edgington . . .

. . . upon seeing his boyfriend reduced to what looked like the insides of a can of red Silly String . . .

 .  . . COMPLETELY SNAPPED.  So, while Nan Flanagan was busy “eating out”  (seriously, are there ANY completely straight vampires on this show?), and eagerly awaiting passage of the Vampire Rights Amendment, Russell was breaking into a local news room, and killing the anchor on live television.  “Humans, us vampires are NOT your equals,” The Old Nutbag announced to the World.  “We are superior to you in every way.  We are going to eat you, after we eat your children.  Back to the weather, Tiffany.”

Now, see, THAT is why I don’t watch local news.   It’s WAY TOO DEPRESSING!

Well, that’s all I’ve got, folks.  See you next week . . . unless Russell Edgington eats me, first!

[www.juliekushner.com]

15 Comments

Filed under True Blood

15 responses to ““We are going to EAT YOU!” – A Recap of True Blood’s “Everything is Broken”

  1. Another good recap 🙂
    I smiled when seeing Franklin again, missed him! But see him torturing Tara again would be to much, I’m tired of her crying all the time, maybe her story can move on in a happier direction now?
    The shower scene of course made me thinking about the one from the books, not including Bill …Hope to see that on next season 😉

    And Russel and his Epic TV performance… first I thought Eric will be having a hard time to get his revenge, but now I’m guessing that part from Eric, even humans and other vamps want to se Mr psychopath killed.

    Truly an eventful episode, can’t wait to next week! I’m most excited about the Russel story, and I hope we get to see some shirtless Alcide to, where did he go?

    • Yep, seeing Franklin was an unexpected twist for me too. And, was it me, or did James Frain look slightly more attractive in this episode, than he has in the past? Maybe it’s because he was in the dark, lol.

      I too am tired of seeing Tara victimized. I, for one, would really like to see her try to work things out with Sam. The two of them have had some very sweet scenes together, lately. Rutina Wesley and Sam Trammell have great on-screen chemistry.

      If that doesn’t work out, maybe they could bring in a certain Mr. J.B. DuRone for Tara sometime soon. 😉 Personally, I would LOVE to see who they would cast in that role.

      LOL. I literally pounded my coffee table in anger, when Sookie had that shower scene with Bill! Taco Bill STOLE our favorite Sookie / Eric scene from Book 4! What gives, Alan Ball?

      I guess Alcide was busy coping with the carnage Debbie caused back in Jackson this week. Hopefully, he will be back next week, for more smoldering shirtless scenes and Sookie-filled sexual tension! 😉

      Russell’s little “performance” WAS pretty shocking, not to mention both disturbing and humorous at the same time. Can you imagine watching your local news and seeing THAT? The country would go into full on panic mode!

      So, much for the passage of the “Vampire Rights Amendment.” I bet you are right. The American Vampire League will wage a full on war against Russell now. They will have to, in order to rebuild their now completely tarnished public image. This is good news for Eric and Pam, as I really don’t think they could have killed him on their own.

      Thanks so much for your always insightful comments. This was a fun and exciting episode of True Blood. I can’t wait until next week! 🙂

      • D*mn. I managed to delete everything I wrote, so here is a somewhat shorter answer…

        I don’t know, I found Franklin slightly attractive in a strange way even in previous episodes… must be something with the accent 😉 or bad taste in men? However, I’ll miss him, like i’ll miss Talbot, and Russell when they succeed in killing him… read something about Bubba will appear in next season? That could possibly make up for some of my missed favourites 😀

        Yes, Tara and Sam would make I good couple, I think, if she just could get her life in order again… ah, and Hoyt and sweet Jessica (not that Hoyt aren’t beeing sweet…) can’t they just make up again…

      • I’m sorry my blog deleted your earlier comment. I hate when that happens. It’s so unfair. Thanks so much for taking the time to rewrite everything. 🙂

        Yep, I find Russell amusing too. He makes a WAY better villian than Maryanne from Season 2, in my opinion. Plus, I think Alan Ball plans to keep him around, and wreaking havoc, for a while. So, that’s a good thing.

        Speaking of Russell, did you check out the animated GIF of him in Carol’s comment above? It’s HILARIOUS! I really think you will like it. (Right click the image, and select “Save Picture As,” in order to save it to your computer.)

        Ooh, great news about Bubba! He was one of my favorite characters from the Charlaine Harris books. I think he’s hilarious. I really do hope Alan Ball decides to include him in True Blood. Wonder who he would cast in that role?

      • Oh, don’t blame it on your blog, I’m quite an expert in doing such things, it happens all the time, and I still haven’t learn to copy what I’m writing now and then…

        Oh yes, the Marianne story wasn’t at all appreciated by me, but Russell sure is more entertaining… I’m not sure what you mean by “wreaking havoc” can’t think about any suitable swedish translation, but anyhow, him beeing around for a while would be fun I guess, as long as he aint beeing to much trouble for Eric 😉

        Yes, I saw the gif, and of course I liked it 🙂

        Yep, I sure hope that we will see Bubba in True Blood, have no idea about who would be casted for the role, maybe someone who’s good at imitate..you know who? 😉
        Have a nice weekend, just a few days left to next episode now..!

      • Sorry about that. Sometimes I forget my writing is being read in other countries, and go overboard with the flowery American phrases.

        Wreaking havoc also means: causing chaos, making trouble, ruining lives. Do any of those help? 🙂

  2. Lola

    first of all, that scrap book joke was hilarious. i’m sure Franklin also found a tube of glitter and a little booklet full of stickers that Vampire Bill was going to use to really make his secret Sookie file SPARKLE!
    i think that Jesus is going to end up being a witch or a wiccan or something…i don’t know why, but that’s the vibe i’m getting from him.
    i’m glad they didn’t kill Eric, though i am sad that he ruined that sweater…
    oh yeah, nice write up!
    (i can’t wait to see the recap for this week’s Mad Men, i think it was my favorite one ever).

    • Vampire Franklin has Scrapbook-Making King written ALL OVER HIM! You just know that, somewhere in his stash, there’s a “Franklin Loves Tara” scrapbook, complete with pieces of the flowers he made her eat, cutouts of that hideous wedding dress, pieces of the rope he tied her up with, ridiculously bad artistic renditions of her, and, yes, LOTS OF GLITTER! 🙂

      Oooh! Good call! I can ABSOLUTELY see Jesus being a witch. It would make perfect sense, given the subject matter of Book 4, and the series’ recent inclusion of a certain new female character . . . 😉

      I miss the Blue Panty Dropper Sweater too! 😦 If I was to ever make a True Blood scrapbook, it would be on the very first page . . .

      “Shut the Door, Have a Seat,” still remains my ALL TIME FAVORITE Mad Men episode, but this week’s definitely ranks up there in the top five. (I LOVE Peggy and Pete! And I was very happy to see Ken Cosgrove again.) It could have used a few more Roger Sterling one liners, but, seeing as John Slattery directed the episode, I can understand why he wanted to minimize his appearances in it . . .

  3. Carol

    My favorite part of the episode: http://i33.tinypic.com/24vsbqd.jpg
    “Back to the weather, Tiffany”

    The intro this week was great, with more Eric and Pam. And another stupid blonde yelling. Well, the blonde wasn’t great.
    Another gif of one of the greatest scenes this week:

    Bill and Sookie are so blahh.. I don’t find motives to comment. Just that Beeal seems .. I dunno, younger, this season. Did Moyer do something with his skin?

    I laughed at the ‘picture’ of Hadley. So true. I want to find more about Hunter.

    Sam beating that guy was awesome. Doesn’t matter what anyone says, I approved.

    Jason and Crystal, not cool. Seriously, how can you keep rejecting him, Crystal? It’s Jason Stackhouse!

    Is Franklin really dead for good this time? Tara is not interesting anymore anyway, so I don’t really care. But I miss his mad texting skills.

    Does that Jesus guy have some kind of special powers? If don’t, I don’t see reasons to continue this storyline. I mean, okay, great for Lafayette, but I think it’s boring.

    Jessica & Hoyt, finally! It’s not like they’re back together, but it’s a great advance. Summer is not good for you, Hoyt. And the dolls? Wtf is wrong with her? Bringing her dolls to a date?
    Tommy was great too this week.

    Well, late but at least I’m here. See ya next week. No PLL makes me sad.

    • OMG! That first gif was HILARIOUS! Poor newscaster dude! It’s bad enough to get gutted like a fish on live television, but to have people watch you die over and over again, and laugh at your comic “death face”? That’s gotta be pretty awful. I bet on that actor’s resume, it now probably reads “Gutted Newscaster” at the very top. At least he had enough lines in the episode to get a SAG card . . .

      Haha, you gotta love Screaming Ginger. I’m pretty sure she’s had to screech like that in every episode she’s been in since Season 1. And I DEFINITELY remember a Screaming Ginger scene in Book 4. So we have THAT to “look forward to” next year. I didn’t think they could find a screamer more annoying than Sookie and her “Beeeeeaaaaalll!” – Guess I was wrong . . .

      And that second gif . . . (Sigh!)

      You know, you are right. Stephen Moyer does seem “younger” this year – so do Alex Skarsgard and Kristen Bauer (Pam), for that matter. I think it’s because the makeup department eased up on the “white face” from earlier seasons. In highly lighted rooms, the three of them used to always look more like clowns than vampires. And clowns are SO NOT sexy . . . (Plus, they scare me.)

      Sam beating up Calvin Norris (who they’ve definitely trashed up from the books, BTW) was pretty cool. And Tommy’s impressed expression watching him do it was pretty priceless. But you have to admit it was EXTREMELY out of character for Mr. Mild Mannered Bar Owner. Perhaps it was some “Jungle Instinct” thing? 😉

      Yeah, I’m not a huge Crystal fan. Honestly, she’s been my least favorite of Jason’s “girlfriends” so far. Amy, Dawn from Season 1, heck, even cult chick, Sarah Newlin, could all kick Crystal’s ass, in terms of coolness. Plus, I know this sounds shallow, but I don’t think Crystal is hot enough, or fun enough, for someone as beautiful as Jason to expend all this effort on. She just seems so . . . I don’t know . . . plain . . . to me, at least.

      LOL re: Franklin’s mad texting skills. Mark my words, some smart cell phone company is going to put Franklin in a cell phone commercial, and it is going to be AWESOME!

      Yeah, I’m pretty sure Jesus is a supernatural creature of some sort. But they need to move that storyline much faster. Much like the Trailer Trash Mickens storyline, the Jesus story has already dragged on way too long with little payoff, in my opinion.

      Jessica and Hoyt were SO SWEET this week! I can’t understand why they are not back together. It’s OBVIOUS they both still love each other! They pretty much told each other this week! It sort of doesn’t make any sense.

      LOL re: Summer and her ugly ass dolls. I’m pretty sure she had them at the restaurant, because she made Hoyt go “antiquing” with her that day. Poor Hoyt! What was Summer thinking? Show me a guy who likes antiquing, and I will show you a gay man . . .

      Thanks for the awesome gifs and comments this week! Yep, Tuesdays are definitely not the same without PLL to snark over . . .

  4. Cherie

    Awesome recap as usual!

    The Sookie/Bill sex scene from the last episode left me kind of cold. It was almost one step away from hate sex.

    I think the only rational reason for Sookie having sex with Bill just one day after screaming at the sight of him in terror is that she is all hopped up on his blood. Remember how vampire blood has an erotic effect? After Bill nearly completely drained her blood then practically replaced her bloodstream with his own after donating his blood to save her life, I’m not surprised about the sex. I just refuse to believe that Sookeh and Bill’s twu wuv is what has conquered all (rabid Eric girl here :))

    There is an amazing Sookie Verse blog that has one of the most hilarious Sookeh/Beellll gifs ever created in one of their recap trails. Check it out here: http://www.sookieverseblog.com/2010/07/21/big-trouble-in-little-jackson/ I laughed so hard when I first saw it my cat got scared!

    Back to your recap, I think Sam Trammell is an amazing actor. The dark side in Sam that came out seemed totally believable despite how lovable he normally is.

    I also loved the return of Ginger, I must admit. You are totally right about the poor casting agents though. They would have been deafened after a half day of finding the perfect Ginger.

    And LOL at the While You Were Sleeping reference. I doubt there has been a “love” story that veered more wildly off the cliched path of romantic comedies that the twisted, tangled coupling of Franklin and Tara. But my God, James Frain’s sexy British accent makes me weak in the knees and he makes Franklin hotter than he deserves to be. I know James isn’t what you would call conventionally handsome, but he has incredibly sex appeal.

    Have you seen this interview with him and Rutina? It made me fall a little in love with him as an actor :)… (sorry, I’ve forgotten how to embed the YouTube video properly – tech savvy I am not!)

    • As you can see, the YouTube video was properly embedded in your comment! Tech savvy, you ARE! 🙂

      Ahhh, Hate Sex and Vampire Bill = BFFs always. Remember this?

      http://warmingglow.uproxx.com/2010/06/vampire-hate-fk-part-two

      (I was going to post that GIF here, but it creeped me out too much . . . So, I just left it as a link.)

      However, since you have a soft spot in your heart for our dearly departed Franklin Mott, here’s a GIF I WILL post . . .

      Mad Texting Skills

      And I am in complete agreement with you about Bill! (As you well know.) Bill and Sookie have the kind of abusive relationship they make After School Specials about. He lies to her, abuses her, manipulates her, and bores us her to death, but she inexplicably keeps taking him back. It’s like Franklin’s relationship with Tara, only NOT FUNNY AT ALL. If only Alan Ball didn’t have such a crush on Stephen Moyer, then, perhaps real men, like Eric and Alcide, would have a fighting chance . . .

      Thank you so much for sending me the link to the Sookieverse blog! That GIF was hilarious! Heck, the whole blog was hilarious! And its writer has the best screencaps EVER! If my recaps take ME as long to write as they do, I can’t even imagine how long hers must take! So impressive!

      (Oh, and you have a cat! ME TOO! She’s a black and orange domestic shorthair named Piglet, and she’s 4. :))

      I am actually really impressed with “Ginger’s” yelping skills. I for one am total crap at screaming. The few times I tried, it came out sounding like the off-key strangled yodel of a 13-year old boy going through puberty . . .

      More power to Screaming Ginger, I say. (These days, you get your SAG card anyway you can. Although, honestly, I’m not sure screams count as “lines” for card receipt purposes . . .)

      I loved that interview with Rutina Wesley and James Frain (who plays Franklin)! Thanks for embedding. Who knew those two were so sweet!

      On the show, Tara’s mopey tendencies and unquenchable butch rage often annoy the heck out of me. (Not that the character doesn’t have good reason to be pissed off.) So, it is really refreshing to see that Rutina is not that way (butch, mopey and annoying) in real life. She’s obviously a VERY good actress!

      You can also tell that Rutina and James Frain genuinely like one another. I giggled at the end of the interview, when James started praising Rutina for deftly explaining Tara’s and Franklin’s relationship, completely honestly, yet without making it sound at all like the Comedic Fatal Attraction Nutball Fest it actually was. “I should invite you on all my interviews,” he said. – Classic!

      I’ve really been impressed with Season 3 of True Blood. It may even be my favorite so far. I guess this makes sense, seeing as I loved Book 3 of the Sookie series, Club Dead, on which this season is based.

      I can’t WAIT to see what they do with Book 4, next season. Eat your heart out Vampire Bill. There’s a new “sheriff” in Sookie Town! 🙂

      • Cherie

        Yay! The embedding worked!

        Hee! I cracked up about the way you described Sookie and Eric nookie! There really should be a t-shirt with the “sheriff” in Sookie Town on it; awesome double entendre!

        I loved Book 3 too and Alcide, although I think there was a lot of untapped potential with his character. There was all this build-up of sexual tension between the two but the timing was never right even for a least one steamy session. I may have my qualms about some book-to-tv reinterpretations, but all will be forgiven if Alcide gets to go into Sookie Town!

        Ohh, and Piglet sounds so cute! My cat’s name is Tootsie and she is a blue Russian, so she has a bit of a queen complex like Sophie-Anne. And yes, she is named after Dustin Hoffman’s cross-dressing character (my Dad’s idea!)

  5. imaginarymen

    Gotta get it out of the way first:

    HOYT!! SQUEEEEEE!!!! Call me Hoyt! I won’t make you go antiquing, I don’t like creepy dolls, and I’ll even shut up once in awhile! ILOVEYOU!!!!

    Julie can you send me that Franklin texting GIF? Bc that is probably my fav Franklin moment EVER. I’m sorry, I know he’s evil and we’re not supposed to like him – but I frickin’ love Franklin! And even though I hollered “Jason Mother f*cking STACKHOUSE!!!” when he shot him, I am sad to see him go. And that interview w/ James Frain and Rutina Wesley is so charming! I gotta see more of this guy.

    Ohhhhh Sam…I knew he’d have to break after all those comments about him not being “manly” enough. Sam honey you’re All Man to me in those tight t-shirts and jeans. Rawr!

    Don’t care about Vampire politics AT ALL. Nor do I care about what’s the deal w/ SookieGlowFingers. I DO care that we had a week with both Jason AND Eric in tank tops! Mmmmm YES!

    I also loved the Jesus/Lafayette/MamaLafayette scene and L licking Jesus tattoo was ALL KINDS of sexy. Way better than BoringBill/Sookie sex/bickering. Snore.

    (also loved Pam’s matching pink suede booties!)

    And Jason gets line of the week for calling one of the hicks “F*ck knuckle”! I heart you Jason Stackhouse, although I agree – this Crystal girl and her inbreds are NOT WORTH IT. Poor dumb Jason, I’ve had to revert back to my S1 mantra “no Jason, just no – Jason! JASON! Please don’t do that JASON!!!” a little too much this season (and in the shallow column – LOVING Kwanten’s bed head!)

    How can this season nearly be over??? I hope it ends right bf TVD returns so there will be a smooth transition for us bw Vampire hotties ;-P

    • Re: The TVD and True Blood crossover watching time, it actually works out PERFECTLY!

      Well . . . almost perfectly – with just a smidgeon of overlap time between the two series. You see, the True Blood Finale is set to air Sunday, September 12th. Slight spoilers for what looks like it will be an AWESOME episode can be found here:

      http://ausiellofiles.ew.com/2010/08/05/true-blood-season-finale-spoiler-alert/

      (I particularly liked the descriptions regarding Hoyt / Jessica and Sookie / NOT Bill.)

      Since I’ve read there are only 3 episodes remaining, I would presume that they will do some sort of marathon Sunday, September 5th, rather than airing a new episode that night.

      This means that the days between September 9th and September 12th will be INSANELY busy in terms of blogging and fangirling. However, after that, we can bid a fond adieu to a great True Blood Season, and focus on what looks like it will be an AMAZING TVD Season!

      The “Mad Texting Skills” GIF is in your inbox, Amy! I must say, I ogled the “kissy face” at the end, a little longer than I should have. The fact that I found the GIF strangely hot surprised me. I think Franklin must have glamoured me, before he died!

      Just so you know, if you ever like any GIFs or pictures on this blog, and want them for your desktop, all you have to do, is right click on them, and select “Save Picture As.” It works the same with Still Pictures and GIFS. And if you ever want to use them, on your blog, you can do that too. Just be sure to select the “Full Size” version of the image when you embed it, otherwise it won’t move.

      Oh, and since you are a Hoyt fan, Amy, I thought you might enjoy following him on Twitter:

      http://twitter.com/hoytfortenberry

      (Can I just say, my new obsession has been snooping around the Twitter pages of fictional TV characters. So much fun!)

      Oh, and also . . . apparently, Jim Parrack is about to star in a new film:

      http://truebloodnet.com/true-blood-jim-parrack-cast-joint-body/

      Oh, and since you mentioned Sam, he TWEETS too!

      http://twitter.com/merlottesbar

      Ahh, Jason Stackhouse / Ryan Kwanten’s bed head . . . SIGH! Oh, to wake up next to that every morning. I don’t care WHAT she and her crazy family ARE, Amy, you and I can totally take Inbred Crystal DOWN!

      Oh, and “F*ck-knuckle!” should definitely be added to our Jason Stackhouse t-shirt series, along with Andy Bellefleur’s classic “Conscience off, Dick ON! (Still trying to come up with an appropriate illustration for a f*ck-knuckle . . .)

      Thanks for the awesome comments! They always make me LOL.

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