Do That Tomb Me, One More Time! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Masquerade”

Don’t you love it when our little Scooby Gang can put aside their differences, and come together to achieve a common goal?  I mean . . . think about it.  EVERYBODY played their part in Katherine’s destruction this week.  Alaric brought the weapons.  Bonnie set the trap.  Caroline led Kat into the trap.  The Salvatores kicked some Major Kat Ass, and Jeremy . . . well . . .  ummm . . .

 . . .  he looked really pretty!

So put on your party masks, everyone . . . it’s time to look back at how our favorite Scooby Crew turned a Mission Impossible into a Mission (mostly) Accomplished!

We ALL Need a Stiff One Sometimes . . .

ALARIC:  “My, what big WOOD you have, Damon!”

DAMON:  “The better to poke you with, My Dear Alaric.”  *does Eye Thing*

When the episode begins, Caroline is in DESPERATE need of a Stiff One.  And Damon kindly obliges . . .

“Phew, I really needed that.”

OK . . . I meant he gave her a DRINK . . . of blood . . . Get your mind out of the gutter!  (Damon’s a one-woman girl, now!  HE BELONGS TO ELENA!  DUH!)

That’s more like it!  (You’re welcome for the Shirtless Damon pic, by the way . . . they’ve been SO LACKING this season!  WTF Writers!)

Anyway, Caroline needed the Stiffy drink, because she had just had a run in with the EVIL KAT.  Apparently, Elena’s Much Cooler Twin Sister cornered the Baby Vamp, while she was skulking around Mystic Falls Only Bar / Social Establishment, and stalking her ex boyfriend, Zombie Matt.

“Must . . . eat . . . brains    be  . . . Random Plot Device   do . . . Katherine’s bidding.”

As per usual, Katherine wants Caroline to “deliver a message” to the Salvatore Detective Agency.  (What’s with all this getting your enemies to deliver your messages for you, Katherine?  Can’t you afford Fed Ex . . . or a good texting plan?)

“What do you MEAN, it’s going to take 3-to-5 business days to get there?  I eat customer service reps, like you for lunch!  No . . . really . . .I do.”

The “message” in question is that Katherine wants the Object-Formerly-Known as-Mason’s-Family-Jewels . . .

 (Sorry Wolfman!)

 . . . delivered to her that night, at Mystic Falls’ Masquerade Ball for the Homeless (?)

(Seriously?  Aside from maybe the Hidey Hole Vamps, how many homeless people do you think actually live in Mystic Falls)

If the Brothers don’t deliver the Jewels to the Big Ball, THE TOWN WILL RAIN BLOOD!

“RAIN?  I didn’t even bring an umbrella!”

Caroline initially suggests that the Salvatore Detective Agency give Katherine what she wants so she will “GO AWAY!”

But Damon doesn’t PLAY that game!  “I’m not giving her my DICK again!”  He exclaims.

Would you, perhaps, consider giving it to ME, then?

Damon then states that HE plans to KILL Katherine (a revelation that would be truly shocking . . . if . . . say . . . you were stuck in an underground tomb somewhere, between this week and last, and, therefore, never saw any of the promos for this episode).  Then Stefan, ever the stereotypical little brother, states that he wants to kill Katherine, instead of Damon!

DAMON: “I’ll wrestle you for it.”

STEFAN:  “Fine . . . take off your shirt.”

Stupidity, Naivety, and, of course, more Uselessness . . .

After last week’s brief brush with plot importance, Aunt Jenna dutifully resumed Chronic Uselessness this week, when she was carried home by Matt, Elena, Alaric and Jeremy, after “accidentally stabbing herself in the abdomen with a knife.” 

(OK . . . could someone please tell me WHY these guys haven’t told Useless Aunt Jenna about the whole “Vampire Thing” yet?  Doesn’t her current status as the girlfriend of the male equivalent of Buffy the Vampire Slayer earn her honorary admission into the Scooby Gang?  We all know she’s just going to keep “walking into the knives,” until she’s taught to do otherwise . . .)

Once alone, Jeremy asks Elena what she plans on doing about the whole “Kat Problem.”  And Elena, taking a page from the Useless Aunt Jenna Book of Problem Solving, replies, “Nothing.”

“I always knew I had all the brains in the family . . .”

Elena honestly believes that, because she broke up with Stefan she can FINALLY start screwing his Hot Brother Katherine will just ride off into the sunset on the coffin she rode in on.  “You are being a F*CKING MORON naive, and you know it!”  Jeremy scolds.

And with that, Mini Gilbert stalks off to La Casa de Rich and Awesome for yet another Pow Wow of Sexiness and Plot Explanation . . .

“I’ll Take ‘Weapons Commonly Used to Kill Vampires’ for $100, Alex”

Over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Alaric has quite literally opened up his Can of Vampire-Flavored Whup Ass on the rest of the Scooby Gang.  This guy’s got some phallic-shaped weapons that would make even Buffy blush!

DAMON:  “All that vampire slaying, and your hands are still silky smooth!  Do you mind my asking, what kind of moisturizer you use?”

Soon, Bonnie arrives with her . . .  to this day I can never figure out what they call that Witch Book of hers . . . Grimmore . . . Grin More . . . Gremlin? . . . whatever it is, she’s got a Big Book, and Stefan wants her to use it to help kill Katherine.

BONNIE:  “Do you want me to hit her on the head with it?  Because I could do that, you know . . .”

Stefan’s actual plan involves Bonnie performing a spell at the Masquerade Ball for the Homeless (?) that will isolate Katherine from the rest of the party, so that the Brother Vamps can kill her in peace.  Then, Bonnie makes me like her character just a little bit more, by actually agreeing to the plan, without giving anyone a migraine . . .

 . . . or making a single Anti-Vampire comment, in the process.  (It’s a start . . .)

“As long as no one gets hurt,” Judgy Bonnie can’t help but scold.

(In hindsight, this was probably the funniest line in the whole episode.  Seriously!  Who didn’t get hurt at the Masquerade Ball for the Homeless(?))

“Except for Katherine.  Tonight the Kat gets a stake through the heart,” concluded Damon (a line which undoubtedly scared the bejeesus out of all the cats,watching this episode . . . including mine . . . she’s a HUGE TVD fan!)

This isn’t her . . .

My Katherine, what a BIG WITCH you have!

Speaking of Katherine, it looks like she got herself a witch of her own.  And MAN is she TALL!  In fact, Witchy Lucy was SO tall, she made most of the cast look like miniature figurines!  After weeks of seeing the evil vamp threaten her adversaries, with sing-song one-liners and double entendres, it was nice to see Katherine with someone who (at least, at first) actually seemed like friend of hers.

When Lucy inquires as to why Katherine is straightening her hair, she replies conspiratorially, “I’m impersonating my dull as dishwater doppelganger, Elena.”

“She has terrible taste,” scoffs Katherine.

“Except in men!” Lucy replies.

When Katherine flirtatiously asks Lucy to be her “plus one” at the event, I couldn’t help but wonder if these two had ever “experimented” with eachother.  (Come on!  You just KNOW Katherine is the kind of girl who “swings both ways.”)

Everybody Rejects Elena . . . (for once in her life)

“WTF, guys!  You can’t engage in Scooby Games without ME!  You all LOVE ME, and I’m HOT!”

Back at the Gilbert house, Mopey Elena is being SUPER selfish!  She’s letting her breakup with Stefan get in the way of her going to a boozy party TO HELP THE HOMELESS!

She tries to get Zombie Matt to stay home with her (he used to LUUUUUUVVVV her, after all).  But Zombie Matt is on a suicidal mission . . . one which (shockingly) doesn’t involve Elena.  But when Elena finds out that Stefan AND Jeremy went to “help the homeless” too, she gets REALLY pissed!

“I’m glad he’s going,” says Useless Aunt Jenna, of Jeremy.  “He needs to lose the Emo Thing.”

(“Emo Thing,” Jenna?  COME ON!  That is SO Season 1!)

Ultimately, however, it’s Alaric that spills the beans about the Scooby Gang and their Ocean’s 11-esque plan to Kill the Kat, and Save the Elena!

“What can I say?  I’m a sucker for a good Spoiler!”

So Many Dicks, So Little Time . . .

Having watched the episode, I now see that the purpose of that seemingly random scene between Tyler and his mom, was to, more or less, foreshadow what happened to him at the end of the episode.  However, when I first watched it, I was pretty certain it was all about DICKS . . .

“Why so much ‘dick’?  You’ve got something against the word ‘weiner?'”

Tyler apologized for being a DICK . . . Tyler’s mom said Tyler’s dead dad could be a DICK sometimes . . . Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick.  Between all these dicks, and the two Damon used in the opening scenes, I found myself sorely wishing I had created a drinking game around this word, before the episode began . . .

Slutty Amy Meets Her Maker . . .

As if the attempted murder of Useless Aunt Jenna, and the zombification / attempted murder of Matt weren’t enough of an indication, Katherine once again proved herself to be NO JOKE early on in the Masquerade Ball for the Homeless(?).  After a very sexy slow dance with Stefan, Katherine, angered by Stefan’s staunch refusal to give her the Moonstone right away, claimed the episode’s first victim, in a matter of minutes . . .

We barely knew thee, ya big WHORE!

Your dress is “GORG!” swoons Slutty Amy to Vampire Katherine, who she believes to be Elena.  Casting a final defiant look in Stefan’s direction, Katherine casually walks over to the well-meaning, but incredibly dim girl, and snaps her neck.

“OMG!  I can’t believe you just did that!  It makes me so . . . thirsty.”

And the Senseless Death Award goes to . .  .

  . . . wait . . . I already forgot her name . . .

Tyler gets some action (and his first taste of CGI Graphics . . .)

“Hey Matt, is that a murder weapon in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?”

So, here’s the question I have about this whole “compelling thing:”  When a subject is compelled to do something, how long does that suggestion last?  Is Jenna going to keep “accidentally walking into knives?”  Is Matt going to keep trying to get Tyler to kill him, even though Katherine is (at least, temporarily) out of the picture, and the reason for the mission has already been accomplished?

I only ask, because I noticed that, even though Katherine gave Matt the suggestion to provoke Tyler until Tyler killed him, last week, Katherine felt the need to compel him AGAIN, with the same suggestion, at the Masquerade Ball for the Homeless(?). 

Perhaps, she was afraid viewers he would forget?

“God, you are HOT!  Now go away!”  Katherine told Matt, her message having been successfully re-delivered.

So, off went Matt, along with Slutty Sarah . . .

 . . . and Tyler into the “Forbidden Room” a.k.a. “Dad’s Study” to get wasted.  Once the trio is suitably hammered, Matt starts acting like . . . for lack of a better term . . . a TOTAL DICK . . .

Speaking of dicks (AGAIN!), Matt starts calling Tyler’s Dead Dad ONE.  (Talk about speaking ill of the dead, this is the second time this hour that the dearly departed Mayor has been called a part of the male anatomy.)  Matt then randomly pours a bottle of expensive liquor on the carpet, and smashes a picture of Tyler and his father to the ground.  “Remember when your Dad used to slap you around?”  Matt slurringly inquires.

“I’m not going to fight you,”  says Tyler, just as he does EVERYTIME he’s about to fight someone.

Then Matt starts to attack him . . .

The two “go at it” (wink, wink) for a little while, as Slutty Sarah watches with interest.   Then Caroline . . .

 . . . having just completed her Scooby Gang task (more on that, in a bit) . .  . hears the ruckus, using her super sensitive vampire ears.  Off rushes Baby Vamp to kick some ass, and take some names!

In minutes, Caroline has put herself in between the fighting boys.  With little effort at all, she knocks Matt unconscious to the ground.  He’s woozy and wasted, but alive. 

“That was ALL KINDS of hot, Caroline!  I’m stroking my pool stick, just thinking about it.”

Crisis averted . . . or so it seemed . . . but as we learned last week, Katherine always has a Plan B!   “Matt failed.  If Matt fails, I can’t,” utters Slutty Sarah robotically, as she lunges at Tyler with a very sharp letter opener.

“TYLER LOOK OUT!”  Caroline screams, from the floor next to Matt.

Caught off guard, a very freaked out Tyler knocks Slutty Sarah into his deceased father’s desk.  And Slutty Sarah, who, might I remind you, survived BEING PUSHED DOWN AN ENTIRE FLIGHT OF WOODEN STEPS, early on in the season, hits her head and dies instantly.

But, hey . . . at least her death wasn’t SENSELESS, like her friend Amy’s!  Caroline rushes to examine Slutty Sarah’s non-existent pulse, while Tyler hunches over in pain.  That’s when it happens.  Tyler’s eyes begin to bug out, werewolf style . . .

 . . . and THAT was how his curse was ACTIVATED!

After dropping Matt off in the car to “sleep it off,” Caroline returns to check on Tyler, who has broken the news of Slutty Sarah’s death to his mother.  Mommy Dearest takes it surprisingly well.  It kind of makes me wonder how much she knows about the Werewolf Curse, which both her husband, and now her son, have experienced firsthand.  “It was an accident,” she says calmly.  “We’ll take care of it.”

“I’ll deal with Matt,” Caroline says comfortingly to Tyler. 

“Why are you doing all this [for me]?”  Tyler inquires.   “I killed her.  She’s dead.  You have no idea what that means.”

“Well, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle DEAD!”

“Yes . . . I do,” replies the Undead Triple Homicide Veteran. 

Caroline then calls Tyler’s attention to his heretofore bloody wounds, now healed.  “How did you do that?”  Tyler asks, now staring at the sexy blonde intently.

(Hmmmmm . . .  well . . . Caroline and Tyler would be more interesting together than Caroline and Matt.  That’s for sure!  Just out of curiousity, how bizarre exactly do you think a vampire / werewolf lovechild would look, anyway?)

Here’s a good guess!

The Best Laid Plans

Back in Kill Kat Land, Stefan chastises himself for not killing Kat during the Memory Lane episode, when he had the chance.  Damon, always eager to best his brother, argues that this would NEVER happen to him.  “You loved her for over 140 years.  It could happen . . .”  Stefan warns.

“Whatever happens, I’ve got your back,” says Damon to his Baby Bro.  “Tonight, it [Kat’s Reign of Terror] ends.”

Meanwhile, Mr. I-Am-Incapable-of-Being-Single-and-Therefore-Will-Hit-On/Fall-in-Love-with ANYONE, Jeremy decides that this would be a great opportunity to put the moves on his Big Sister’s sort of/kind of best friend.

“Nice boobs, Bonnie!  Way nicer than Tyler’s .  . . a bit nicer than Anna’s . . . but not quite as nice as Vicki’s”

“You are 100% B*tch Witch.  That is so cool,” remarks Jeremy flirtatiously, as Bonnie puts the finishing touches on her Kathering Binding spell.

Surprise!  Surprise!  If Jeremy had witchy powers, he says he would use them to perform Sex Spells . . .

When did this episode of The Vampire Diaries become the movie Eyes Wide Shut?

[Being a witch] never ends well for people like me,” complains Bonnie morbidly. 

(Talk about KILLING THE MOOD, BONNIE!)

While the pair are talking, Bonnie gets a “feeling” (it’s called being horny) that she has to investigate . . .

The “feeling,” as it turns out, comes from Mini Gilbert fellow witch, Lucy . . .

The plan now set in motion, Jeremy finds Katherine and tells her to meet Stefan and Damon upstairs, where they will supposedly give her the Moonstone.  Next up is Caroline, who finds herself accosted by Katherine for the second time this episode.

“They are trying to kill you,” squeaks Caroline, as her head is pushed into a wall.

“Where’s Bonnie?”  Katherine wisely inquires to a “choked up” Caroline.

“She’s upstairs,” replies Caroline breathlessly.

Katherine drags Caroline upstairs.  Then, the Baby Vamp leads the Old as Sh*t Vamp to a guest bedroom.  Bonnie is not there.  But Stefan and Damon are.  And now, thanks to Bonnie’s spell, Katherine can’t leave!

“I DID IT!”  Caroline squeals with joy, practically jumping up and down at the thought of having bested the vampire who “killed her.”  “Goodbye Kat!”  She says, giving her a cute girly finger wave, before exiting stage left. (LOVE HER!)

While Katherine is distracted by Stefan and his little baby dagger, Damon approaches her from behind with his big BULL of a SHOTGUN! *wink wink*

But this . .. is when things start to go wrong . . .

Down on the ground below, Elena has crashed the party in plain clothes.  Apparently the Debbie Downer has come to pee on all the fun that is the Salvatore Detective Agency Feline Murder Plot . . .

Note:  When I first screencapped this scene from the trailer, I was POSITIVE that it featured Damon and Elena!  Imagine my disappointment to learn that it was Mini Gilbert instead . . .

You don’t need to do this for me,” remarks Little Miss Selfish to her brother, when she learns what the crew has planned in her absence.

“It’s not just about YOU!  NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU!  She’s messed with all of us.   She has to be stopped!”  Jeremy explains.

Suddenly, a massive bullet wound appears on Elena’s stomach.

Elena doubles over, in pain!  Bonnie instantly realizes that Katherine’s witch, Lucy, linked the doppelgangers together, so that when Damon and Stefan hurt Katherine, they would also hurt the NEW love of BOTH of their lives, Elena.  Bonnie rushes to find Lucy, while Jeremy tends to Elena . . .

Meanwhile, the battle of Salvatore Brothers versus Katherine rages on!  And as my Blogger Pal Amy (not the Slutty Dead ONE from the show) remarked, it was SUPER KINKY!

There was tons of panting, grunting, thrusting and vamped-out posturing . . .

Phallic weapons were stroked, poked, and prodded into skin that bumped and grinded against other skin. 

There were big STICKS flying everywhere, penetrating EVERYTHING!

“EAT IT!  PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH!  SWALLOW!”

At one point, Katherine straddled Stefan, while Damon approached her from behind, ready to “strike.”

It was AWESOME!

At that moment, Jeremy rushes in to tell the brothers that Katherine and Elena are linked, and that everything Damon and Stefan do to Katherine is also happening to Elena .  . .

Unable to fathom ever physically hurting the woman he has come to care for so deeply — even if it means losing to Katherine — Damon stops fighting immediately.  A worried expression instantly replaces the rage that had covered his face, just seconds before.

Talk about doing a complete 180!  NOW Katherine has begun hurting herself, as Damon and Stefan desperately try to STOP HER!

“Kiss me, Damon!  She’ll feel THAT too!”  Katherine taunts.

(GIRLS, HOW AWESOME WOULD IT HAVE BEEN IF HE ACTUALLY DID IT?)

“What happened Damon, you used to be so polite?”  Katherine continues.

“That guy died a LONG time ago!”  Damon remarks shrewdly.

Like Isobel before her, Katherine instantly can see the extent to which Damon loves Elena, and how that effects Stefan.  She notes how both men are “worshipping at Elena’s alter,” when they used to worship at Katherine’s.

Stefan and Katherine then take a little trip down memory lane.  With Katherine remarking about how she has checked up on Stefan over the years, even going as far as to follow him to a Bon Jovi concert back in the 80’s.  (And you just KNOW Stefan had a  mullet back then!) 

Stefan, for his part, makes the connection between Werewolf George’s need for the moonstone back in 1864, and Katherine’s need for it now.

“You used the moonstone to bargain for your safety,” Stefan notes wisely.  “And you were already free, when we tried to save you.”  He recalls. 

“Yes, your obsession with me was very inconvenient, Damon,” Katherine scoffs.

“You and me both!”  Damon exclaims.

The old ball and chain . . .

Stefan wonders who Katherine has been running from all these years.  But Katherine refuses to answer.  And yet, something tellls me that the Salvatore Detective Agency are about to find out . . .

Meanwhile, Bonnie finds Lucy, who knows she has the Moonstone, and will only break the spell on Elena, if Bonnie gives it up.  Bonnie moves to fight Lucy, but stops, after hearing her say the words, “You can trust me.”

HUH?

In the following scene, Lucy arrives in the War Room, instantly breaking the binding curse on Katherine, and handing her the Moonstone.  But when Lucy hands Katherine the stone, Katherine falls to the ground seizing. 

“You should have told me the other witch involved was a Bennett,” remarks Lucy, as Katherine goes still.

Lucy informs the brothers that the curse is broken, and Elena will heal.   She then goes outside to Bonnie, and tells her the truth.  Lucy was only working for Katherine, because she had a debt that needed repayment.  Katherine had apparently saved her life once. 

But Bonnie is Lucy’s family, so she comes first.  Because Lucy is a Bennett witch too!

“Seeing you was a wake up call,” explains Lucy.  “I have got to stop letting vampires control my life.”

“I have so many questions,” says Bonnie.  “How do I stay out of all this[vampire sh*t]?”

“You are one of the good ones,” Lucy explains.   “Right in the middle is where you need to be.   It was nice meeting you.  You’ll see me again.”  The witch promises before disappearing into the woods.

Then Mini Gilbert MAGICALLY APPEARS .  . .

He gallantly offers the Little Witch a ride home.  Bonnie didn’t even know he had a drivers’ license!  “I’m not a kid anymore,” remarks Scrappy Doo.

Then, the future couple ride off  into the sunset, in Jeremy’s Super Fly Ride . . .

For reasons I didn’t quite understand (not that I’m complaining – Damon and Elena FOR THE WIN!) Elena stays broken up with Stefan, even though the purported reason for their breakup is now out of the picture.  When Stefan confronts her about her decision, Elena rattles off some nonsense about needing to “feel safe.” 

(Riiiight, because being single and alone, when you are a Magnet of Trouble, is WAY safer than having a kickass Body Guard Boyfriend who can snap your attackers’ necks, as easily as he can tie his shoes . . .) 

Umm Stefan?  I hate to be the one to break this to you, but . . .

 . . . quite possibly because she’s into him . . .

“MY TURN!  Cheers!”

(My sincere apologies to Stelena fans, who are undoubtedly cursing me underneath their breaths right now.  Really, I mean you no harm!  I like Stefan.  I DO!  I just like Damon MORE  But, even YOU have to admit, that Breakup Excuse was kind of lame . . .)

Speaking of Damon, he made the awesome decision to NOT kill Katherine, and instead, to lock her up the same tomb she SHOULD have been in all those years ago.  “Death would have been too kind,” growls Damon.  “The writers would also really like the opportunity to bring you back next year around Sweeps Week, and if you were Dead Dead, they couldn’t do that.”

“Elena’s in danger,” Katherine warns from inside the tomb.

“You lie.  You will always lie,” Damon seethes.

“Why do you think I never killed her, when I had the chance?  She’s my doppelganger.  She needs to be protected.”  Katherine adds convincingly.

“Then I’ll protect her,” Damon replies without a second thought, a few choice images, undoubtedly running through his head, and ours as he utters those powerful words  . . .

“And YOU will ROT IN HELL!”  Damon explains decisively, as he locks the tomb.

Damon pointedly ignores Katherine’s screams of “You need me,” as he walks off into the darkness . . .

As it turns out, Damon may have done well to listen a bit better to Kat, for once.  Because, in the final scene of the episode, as Elena walks alone to her car, she is kidnapped by THIS WEIRDO . . .

There you go, Elena.  Yet another Damsel in Distress moment for YOU!  So much for “BEING SAFE!”

[www.juliekushner.com]

19 Comments

Filed under The Vampire Diaries

19 responses to “Do That Tomb Me, One More Time! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Masquerade”

  1. imaginarymen

    Oh Julie you’ve outdone yourself! The title of this recap ALONE is worth the price of admission! LMFAO!!!!!

    Wanna hear something crazy – I was so wrapped up in the earlier parts of the ep that I TOTALLY FORGOT Elena was kidnapped at the end!! So Damon’s vow of protection? Yeah, not so valiant when he, you know, FAILS AT IT five minutes after uttering it!!

    Speaking of Damon, while not having a lot of lines this week – he made each one WELL worth it! From his dismissive “skip the teen drama” to Caroline to the bratty “yes Miss Katherine” to her drink request – Ian Somerhalder is fucking GOLD. In any other actor’s hands I would find Damon kinda irritating I think. But every moment he’s on-screen he is a scene stealer.

    Thank you for posting that pic of Dorky Stefan. WHAT was that outfit?? It was so dopey it distracted me from the big Salvatore Brothers Detective Agency and Affiliates meeting! He was dressed like someone’s dad! Someone’s LAME Dad!! I mean, we’re not getting ANY tank tops or shirtlessness! Don’t rub it in by making them dress LAME now!!

    Poor Jeremy seems to have inherited some of the “Useless” genes from his mother’s side of the family. I think that Jenna being carried in and laying around on a couch for an entire episode is a perfect metaphor for her role on the show! And I am anti-Jeremy and Bonnie. Ugh. Pay attention to your little Vampire Slaying Tasks Jeremy! Keep it in your pants! (did like the touch that he’d use witchcraft for “sex spells” – he IS supposed to be a teen boy after all!)

    Awww RIP Slutty Namesake!! And Slutty Sarah too who was clearly just ASKING for death hanging around Tyler Lockwood and his stair-wrestling, table-pushing antics. I have to say – Slutty Amy’s death TOTALLY took me by surprise. I thought Katherine was just going to act like she would do something to freak out Stefan. His look of shock and horror was pretty much like mine (except add in screaming “HOLY SH*T!!!!!) I do love how nonchalant Stefan is getting about the piling up of bodies though! Hope the Salvatore Brothers Detective Agency Company Car has a big trunk!

    LOL at the Brotherly competition:

    “I’m going to Kill Katherine”
    “No I am”
    “No I AM”
    “No me I hate her more!”
    “No I Hate her more!”
    “Do not!”
    “Do too!”

    There’s nothing more exciting than when the Brothers pair up to do some damage – especially of the SexyViolentLet’sRollAroundWithKatherineThrustingPhallicObjectsAtEveryone kind!! Loved when she scoffed at Stefan’s little stake (“you can’t kill me with that”) and then Damon appears behind her with a f*cking HARPOON (“no, but he can”) BWAH!!!!! What are you trying to tell us writers? I just don’t UNDERSTAND ;-00000

    I would have liked a little more time of the vampires stuck in the room w/ Katherine playing psychological warfare on the boys about their history repeating and Damon’s love for Elena and how Stefan feels about that. (Also loved all Kat’s scoffing at how boring and lame Elena is!) When she started hurting herself to hurt Elena that was pretty crazy – the switch from them trying to beat the hell out of her, to them trying to keep her safe bc of Elena was pretty brilliant (so was the linked spells – again – did NOT see that coming AT ALL. Katherine really DOES cover all the bases!!)

    My poor mom – I had to explain “Vampire Rules” to her as she kept saying “Why don’t they just KILL HER ALREADY! There’s two of them! There’s one of her! What’s the damn problem??” Also what did Lucy do to the Moonstone? Just a temp spell to knock Katherine out? Or do all vamps react that way when they touch it? Have we seen any other vampires holding it? And WTF does it DO? Am I the only one still lost on that? I hope the build-up is worth it and not a “Sookie is a fairy” letdown.

    Sometimes I think we mind meld while watching this show bc I too was going “What is w/ all the ‘dick’ utterings tonight?” And “What IS the name of Bonnie’s stupid spell book?!” Oh another gem from my mother re: Tyler and Mama Lockwood:

    Mom: Is that her son? Or stepson?
    Me: Her son
    Mom: Are you sure? Not her husband’s son from another marriage?
    Me: No. It’s her son Why?
    Mom: They don’t act very Mother and Son. They’re kinda creepy together!
    Me: Mb it’s because he’s supposed to be playing a teenager and he’s probably 30 and she’s probably 40!
    Mom: HE’S SUPPOSED TO BE A TEENAGER??!???????
    Me: They all are! Except Damon, they’re in High School
    Mom: WHAT???

    That’s what happens when you are not a regular connoisseur of Cheesy Teen Dramas in which 28 YO’s play 15 YO’s!

    • Thanks Amy! It’s funny. When I was prepping the recap BEFORE the episode aired, I had for a recap title something clichéd like “I Smell a Kat Fight.” Then, the one that’s up there now, just sort of lodged itself in my brain. And it wouldn’t go away, until I made the change. I worried some people wouldn’t get it. But you and I share a pop culture brain, so I should have known at least one person would . . .

      You are right about Elena’s kidnapping being overshadowed by the multitude of other MAJOR events in this episode. This was one of those episodes, where there were so many “clincher” scenes, that, really, any one of them could have been the final one. For example, the scene where Damon walks away from a screaming entombed Katherine would have been a great ending, as would the Caroline and Tyler scene. The SECOND Stefan / Elena breakup would have been a solid ending too, if it didn’t so closely resemble the almost-ending to LAST week’s episode.

      And yet, I like how they tied in Weird Masked Avenger Guy. They just kept showing him (or her) in the previews, and throughout the episode. So, you knew he (or she) had to be someone important. But they never told you who it was! Oh, and any event that culminates in a Hot Salvatore Brother Rescue Road Trip is A OK in my book . . .

      I really like the new Big Brother / Annoying Little Sis relationship Damon has developed with Caroline, since she turned Baby Vamp. We always talk about Stefan’s relationship with Caroline, but Damon’s with her is sweet in its own way. These two share a snarky / self-absorbedness that makes them compliment one another well. It almost makes you forget all the TRULY evil crap Damon pulled with Caroline early on in Season 1.

      Oh, and as a Delena fan, I got so many jollies off of the Silent “Damon Loves Elena” moments. This episode was filled with them! I really like how he has taken responsibility for her, particularly in light of her breakup with Stefan. (It’s all so VERY Pacey from Dawson’s Creek). Sure, he’s failing miserably in the “protection” aspect so far, but . . . it’s definitely a step in the right direction . . .

      LOL re: Stefan’s lame outfit. I actually think that, separately, the pieces weren’t that bad. It was the fact that they were put TOGETHER that made them so terribly dorky. You see, I like Hoodies on Men, because they can be casual and rugged. And, on the right guy, a button-down can be classy and preppy. But NEVER, I repeat NEVER, pair a hoodie with a flannel. That’s just fashion sacrilege!

      I actually think ALL the Gilberts (Elena) included were pretty useless this week. Of course, there was Jenna and her couch sitting, and Jeremy and his, “I don’t care if Katherine’s on the loose killing people. Let’s dance!” But there was also Elena and her literal “do nothing” attitude toward the whole Katherine Fiasco. She just seemed so uncharacteristically defeatist about the whole thing. As if Elena REALLY believed, Katherine would leave them alone, as a result of their SECOND break up, when the first fake one completely backfired . . . Wise up, Girlfriend!

      That’s another scene we’d get to see if TVD was a sitcom. Damon’s clown-car style car, with a never-ending trunk FILLED with Senseless Death Award winners. I was surprised by Slutty Amy’s demise too! I really thought they would keep her around as Resident Slut for all future episodes. She would remain the girl who everybody falls back on, when the person they really like rejects them . . . Wow, this is your namesake, and I’m TOTALLY trashing her! I’m sorry! 🙂

      I wanted more THREESOME banter too. I love the way Katherine was always able to see under the skin of all the main characters, and reveal to them, their worst parts of themselves: Damon’s vulnerability and fear of rejection; Stefan’s control freak nature, and his obvious sexual attraction to Katherine. Two things I would have especially loved to see: (1) a Katherine / Damon kiss felt by Elena, of course; and (2) Katherine spending just a few moments alone with Elena, and psychoanalyzing her the way she does everyone else. I still wonder about their doppelganger connection. Specifically, I am curious about whether Katherine was telling the truth about her need to “protect” Elena, in order to ensure her own survival.

      Michael Trevino, the guy who plays Tyler, is 25 in real life, making him older than most of the females on the cast, but about average age, in terms of the males. I actually thought he was younger than he actually is, until I looked it up. Go figure!

      Again, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your Mother/ Daughter TVD commentary. You guys MUST do a YouTube vid sometime soon. I’m serious!

      • Sorry about posting this response in a weird place, lol, my computer’s doing funky things.
        It’s really nice to be able to talk to people who love Ian as much as I do lol because even though my friends “like” him, I know that when I’m babbling about him and how nice he is, and how much he cares, and how beautiful he is, and yadda yadda yadda, their eyes glaze over lol So it’s refreshing to say the least!
        I actually just started college and I’m taking a mass media course and the project for the term is to watch a show and blog about it…less of a recap though, more of my opinions of what’s happening…unfortunately he gave us a list of shows to pick from and TVD was NOT one of them! But I got Mad Men and I love blogging about it! Usually, in school, you have to do all these reports on things you could not give a shit about but NOT in this case! I’m doing something that I love and getting graded on it! What could be better? (Except maybe getting paid for it lol) But, my point is, that I have a newfound respect and admiration for bloggers like you guys…and you do a kick-ass job at it. You seem to put your hearts and souls into these blogs, and it shows!
        I simply can’t wait for Thursdays: 1. The Vampire Diaries = 1 hour of watching Ian Somerhalder that it’s NOT weird and obsessive lol 2. I know your blogs are coming soon! 🙂 Seriously, it’s the highlight of my week! Much love and admiration! ♥

      • Best . . . class . . . assignment . . . EVER! 🙂

        It IS a bit of a shame that TVD wasn’t on the list of shows you could blog about. I think some people see a show about teenagers with “Vampire” in the title, and automatically assume it will be silly or unintelligent. Those people are SO very wrong! Honestly, I think TVD is one of the smartest, best written, and best acted shows on television today. And it makes me a bit sad that so many write it off, without ever having watched it.

        On a lighter note, I will definitely have to check out your Mad Men blog! I’m a Mad Men fan as well! (In fact, I recapped the entire fourth season right here on this blog.)

        Mad Men is no TVD, of course. 😉 (For one thing, it has NO Ian in it!). However, it’s a pretty amazing show, nonetheless. In fact, I’ve spent the WHOLE summer trying to get Imaginarymen to watch it! I can’t wait to read your thoughts on the Dapper Don Draper!

        Best of luck with your classes! I’m sure we will chat again soon! 🙂

    • Hey! I love yours and Kjewls’ snarky recaps! I literally WAIT for them. And it’s so weird, because I think something while I’m watching the show, such as why the hell did they say dick so many times?! and then I think “no one will notice that…” and then you guys do! Creepy! I’m obsessed with Ian Somerhalder…I loved him in this past episode. I mean I love him in all the damn episodes but even more so in this one…anyway, just wanted to let both of you know that I’m a huge fan…I’d start recapping the shows myself, but I couldn’t do half the kick-ass job you guys do. Keep it up. We all love you.

      • Hey justjaimie! On behalf of imaginarymen and myself, I just wanted to thank you so much for reading, and for your kind words!

        One of the best things about writing these recaps (aside from the Massive Hot Somerhalder Picture Collections we both have stored on our computers, as a result ;)), is that it gives us the opportunity to meet all these smart, fun, and hilarious TVD fans like you. It’s really awesome to be able to watch a show you love, and then be able to dissect it to death with others who love it just as much as you do! 🙂

        And I’m with you, Ian is AMAZING as Damon! There’s not a minute that man is on my television screen, that I don’t have a goofy smile on my face. (Even if he just so happens to be torturing or murdering someone at the time).

        And the fact that Ian seems like such an all around good person (in interviews, Tweets, and the like), makes his portrayal of Damon even more compelling. It’s just too bad they don’t give out Emmys for CW shows . . . 🙂

        Is it Thursday yet? 😉

  2. imaginarymen

    Forgot to add – next time they are casting a Superhero movie – Paul Wesley is your man!

    With that mask on it really brought out that strong jaw he has – he’d look GREAT in some comic book movie where he had to wear a mask and a very tight bodysuit!

    HEAR ME HOLLYWOOD???

    • I actually like Paul Wesley as a young Bruce Wayne / Batman. He’s definitely got the physique for it, as well as the expressive eyes, tendency toward excessive loner broodiness, and, yes, definitely a strong jaw.

      I also like him for Cyclops in X-Men. But, even if not these roles, surely, we can find something he could play . . . 😉

  3. imaginarymen

    Aaaaand – I’m taking the fact that the lady who owns the house where Katherine is staying (who carried all her bags in at the beginning) is named MRS. FLOWERS as a personal shout-out to my Vampire-Diaries-Brandon-Flowers-Loving-Self!

    ;-000000

    • Nice pickup on the fact that her name was Mrs. Flowers. I TOTALLY missed that! It’s interesting that they used the character, because Mrs. Flowers is actually a pretty big deal in the TVD books.

      There, she owns the boarding house where STEFAN stays (no Casa de Rich and Awesome for him in Book Land). She’s also some kind of weird healer / medicine women, that you always kind of think might be evil, but then ends up not being evil at all.

      I wonder if they plan to use her here, or if this was just a one-time nod to L.J. Smith’s readers . . . (Then again, it could TOTALLY just be the Brandon thing . . .) 😉

  4. Cherie

    I’m going to come back for a fuller analysis later, but have to comment IMMEDIATELY about a few things.

    When Katherine said that if Damon kissed her Elena would be able to feel that too, my mind-perpetually-in-the-gutter immediately went to the Kamon sexytimes in episode one. If what Kat says is true, wonder if Elena was hooking up with Stefan at the same time and wondering why she felt particularly happy all of a sudden?!

    The writers are SO Delena shippers at the moment. Notice the neat foreshadowing – Elena: “I need to feel safe” Damon: “Then I’ll protect her”.

    And Bonnie, stay away from Tyler’s hot little lover, I mean, Jeremy! Although, I must admit that little jaw reflex Steven R McQueen did when he first had a so-called moment with Bonnie after realising she can’t help but be involved, like him, was HOTTTTTTTTTTT! Is it possible to ship one half of a couple? The writers did give the pair some eye roll inducing dialogue to work with, which didn’t help – I mean, I felt like I was hit over the head with a trowel by the foreshadowing fairy when Jeremy said “I’m not a little kid anymore, Bonnie”. Katerina’s cute little “Noooo!” when asked to dance was sweet, and made her more likeable to me than she has been since mid-way through season one.

    And Damon got his poetic justice that he wanted in ep one with Katherine being put back into the tomb she should have been all along. How eerily lighted were Ian’s eyes in that scene?

    I thought his Blue Steel would be a good note to end on before I come back later for a more in-depth look 🙂

    • Although Elena’s DIRECT link to Katherine seems to have been broken, at the same time Lucy’s spell was, I think you are right in suggesting that, perhaps, a more “cosmic” link exists between the two characters. It would explain Katherine’s unusual “restraint” when it comes to interactions with Elena. Perhaps, its like a Harry Potter / Horcrux thing, where, throughout time (thanks to the moonstone), a small part of Katherine’s soul is lodged in a doppelganger. The doppelganger dies, and a small part of Katherine dies too . . . Just an idea . . .

      Oh, I do think it is DEFINITELY time for us Delena fans to have a go at being the chief relationship on the show! 🙂 Elena’s MULTIPLE artificial breakups with Stefan of late all but confirmed it — as did, as you mentioned, Damon’s very specificially worded promise to Katherine. YIPPEE!

      It also appears as though Williamson and Co. have (at least temporarily) ditched the idea of team Jyler, in favor of Team Taroline and Team Jonnie, respectively. Well, I really like ONE of those ships! 🙂 However, I at least somewhat trust the writers to make me not openly cringe everytime I see Jonnie on my screen. For the MOST part (with a few notable exceptions), Williamson is good at writing believable relationships. So (here’s hoping) just because Jonnie had a cheesy “pilot” episode, doesn’t mean they will suck all the way through . . .

      You know, I found Bonnie’s interactions with Lucy much more intriguing than the one’s she had with Jeremy. If anyone needs a sort-of/ kind-of parental figure, it’s Bonnie. Seriously! Does that Little Witch even have parents? After all, she’s the only one who’s “guardians” have never seen . . . Even Matt and Vicki got a Slutty Mom! 🙂

      Ahhh, yes, Blue Steel . . . sigh! A good place to end, indeed. 😉

      • Cherie

        Oh, don’t get me wrong about Jonnie – I think that they actually have a lot of potential! It was more the anvilicious dialogue that left me cold. Jeremy tends to be drawn to fellow outsiders; Vicki was one due to her drug addiction and Anna one due to being a vampire. I think it is no accident his interest was kindled in Bonnie following the knowledge that she is a witch, and thus someone who can join him on the fringes as never quite fitting in neatly. So I can see the pair sparking pretty easily 🙂 My Jyler love aside, I was a little disappointed that Jeremy and Tyler didn’t share a single scene to indiciate a connection, in light of Mason’s dying wish that Jeremy be there for Tyler. Here is hoping they have more neck-throttling discussions in the not-too-distant future!!

        I was think about the Lame Break Up Excuse. Seriously, on the surface it is one step away from “It’s not you, it’s me”! But I think there is another way to look at it… On some subconscious level, maybe Elena was pissed at Stefan for actively including some loved ones (Bonnie and Caroline) and passively accepting the involvement of another (Jeremy) in his plan to take down Kat. I mean, her reasoning behind the break up the previous episode was the danger she was putting her friends and family in by being with him. Or maybe Elena wasn’t so much angry as perhaps their different approach to life or death situations has given her pause about whether they truly share fundamental values.

        “SexyViolentLet’sRollAroundWithKatherineThrustingPhallicObjectsAtEveryone” … SO. MUCH. LOVE for this phrase. I always knew all those English lessons I had on symbolism would come in handy one day! Who knew that even fighting could be sexy in a weird way?

        I also love the screencap of SexyMaskedAvengersSalvatores. I want to be their sidekick!

        By the way, Nina Dobrev keeps bringing it each week. Her pain felt so visceral to me, even though it is obviously just acting. The switch between cool, calm, collected Kat (I half expected her to pull out a manicure kit and start buffering her nails, she was so nonchalant!) and poor Elena screaming in agony was a pretty cool snapshot of her amazing range. LOVE her!

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  6. I was as surprised by Aimee’s death as imaginarymen. She and Sarah were indeed “ASKING for death hanging around Tyler Lockwood and his stair-wrestling, table-pushing antics,” hah, every time I saw them together I was worried for their safety.

    I am a Stefan/Elena fan, which makes this break up even worse than the last one! It was kind of expected, though. Their relationship has been increasingly codepedent, but their lives have been out of control. In fact, it was almost a relief, since Elena recently said, “You and me ALWAYS,” which I wouldn’t advise anyone dating a vampire to say. Plus she just had a horrible day, after her boyfriend kept her in the dark and accidentally staked her.

    “in the final scene of the episode, as Elena walks alone to her car, she is kidnapped by THIS WEIRDO . . .” Heh! I thought that guy was bizarre the moment he ushered Katherine and Lucy into the party.

    ” It’s really awesome to be able to watch a show you love, and then be able to dissect it to death with others who love it just as much as you do!” It is indeed. That makes me realize I’m not quite as crazily obsessed as I thought I was. (Or at least fools me into thinking that.)

    http://thecountchronicles.blogspot.com/

    • “You and me, Always.” I had completely forgotten about that line! It looks like “always” just got a lot shorter . . .

      You bring up a good point about Elena and Stefan having a codependent relationship. It doesn’t get much more codependent, than one partner relying on the other for safety / survival, while the other partner relies on the first for sustenance. Come to think of it, these two are downright parasitic!

      And yet, in the long term, I’m pretty sure this is far from the last we will see of the Stefan / Elena coupling. Like any teen drama, if this show sticks around for a few seasons (which I truly believe, and HOPE that it will), every main character will get multiple opportunities to couple with every other one (except for those who are related, of course!).

      I’m actually thinking of dressing as Elena’s Weirdo Kidnapper for my next Halloween party. That getup was honestly scarier than any zombie, werewolf, or ax-through-the-head costume I’ve ever seen!

      Oh, and never be embarrassed about your obsessive tendencies. Wear them proudly! After all, “Obsessive is the new Black.” 🙂

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