Don’t you love it when our little Scooby Gang can put aside their differences, and come together to achieve a common goal? I mean . . . think about it. EVERYBODY played their part in Katherine’s destruction this week. Alaric brought the weapons. Bonnie set the trap. Caroline led Kat into the trap. The Salvatores kicked some Major Kat Ass, and Jeremy . . . well . . . ummm . . .
. . . he looked really pretty!
So put on your party masks, everyone . . . it’s time to look back at how our favorite Scooby Crew turned a Mission Impossible into a Mission (mostly) Accomplished!
We ALL Need a Stiff One Sometimes . . .
ALARIC: “My, what big WOOD you have, Damon!”
DAMON: “The better to poke you with, My Dear Alaric.” *does Eye Thing*
When the episode begins, Caroline is in DESPERATE need of a Stiff One. And Damon kindly obliges . . .
“Phew, I really needed that.”
OK . . . I meant he gave her a DRINK . . . of blood . . . Get your mind out of the gutter! (Damon’s a one-woman girl, now! HE BELONGS TO ELENA! DUH!)
That’s more like it! (You’re welcome for the Shirtless Damon pic, by the way . . . they’ve been SO LACKING this season! WTF Writers!)
Anyway, Caroline needed the Stiffy drink, because she had just had a run in with the EVIL KAT. Apparently, Elena’s Much Cooler Twin Sister cornered the Baby Vamp, while she was skulking around Mystic Falls Only Bar / Social Establishment, and stalking her ex boyfriend, Zombie Matt.
“Must . . . eat . . . brains be . . . Random Plot Device do . . . Katherine’s bidding.”
As per usual, Katherine wants Caroline to “deliver a message” to the Salvatore Detective Agency. (What’s with all this getting your enemies to deliver your messages for you, Katherine? Can’t you afford Fed Ex . . . or a good texting plan?)
“What do you MEAN, it’s going to take 3-to-5 business days to get there? I eat customer service reps, like you for lunch! No . . . really . . .I do.”
The “message” in question is that Katherine wants the Object-Formerly-Known as-Mason’s-Family-Jewels . . .
. . . delivered to her that night, at Mystic Falls’ Masquerade Ball for the Homeless (?)
(Seriously? Aside from maybe the Hidey Hole Vamps, how many homeless people do you think actually live in Mystic Falls)
If the Brothers don’t deliver the Jewels to the Big Ball, THE TOWN WILL RAIN BLOOD!
“RAIN? I didn’t even bring an umbrella!”
Caroline initially suggests that the Salvatore Detective Agency give Katherine what she wants so she will “GO AWAY!”
But Damon doesn’t PLAY that game! “I’m not giving her my DICK again!” He exclaims.
Would you, perhaps, consider giving it to ME, then?
Damon then states that HE plans to KILL Katherine (a revelation that would be truly shocking . . . if . . . say . . . you were stuck in an underground tomb somewhere, between this week and last, and, therefore, never saw any of the promos for this episode). Then Stefan, ever the stereotypical little brother, states that he wants to kill Katherine, instead of Damon!
DAMON: “I’ll wrestle you for it.”
STEFAN: “Fine . . . take off your shirt.”
Stupidity, Naivety, and, of course, more Uselessness . . .
After last week’s brief brush with plot importance, Aunt Jenna dutifully resumed Chronic Uselessness this week, when she was carried home by Matt, Elena, Alaric and Jeremy, after “accidentally stabbing herself in the abdomen with a knife.”
(OK . . . could someone please tell me WHY these guys haven’t told Useless Aunt Jenna about the whole “Vampire Thing” yet? Doesn’t her current status as the girlfriend of the male equivalent of Buffy the Vampire Slayer earn her honorary admission into the Scooby Gang? We all know she’s just going to keep “walking into the knives,” until she’s taught to do otherwise . . .)
Once alone, Jeremy asks Elena what she plans on doing about the whole “Kat Problem.” And Elena, taking a page from the Useless Aunt Jenna Book of Problem Solving, replies, “Nothing.”
“I always knew I had all the brains in the family . . .”
Elena honestly believes that, because she broke up with Stefan she can FINALLY start screwing his Hot Brother Katherine will just ride off into the sunset on the coffin she rode in on. “You are being a F*CKING MORON naive, and you know it!” Jeremy scolds.
And with that, Mini Gilbert stalks off to La Casa de Rich and Awesome for yet another Pow Wow of Sexiness and Plot Explanation . . .
“I’ll Take ‘Weapons Commonly Used to Kill Vampires’ for $100, Alex”
Over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Alaric has quite literally opened up his Can of Vampire-Flavored Whup Ass on the rest of the Scooby Gang. This guy’s got some phallic-shaped weapons that would make even Buffy blush!
DAMON: “All that vampire slaying, and your hands are still silky smooth! Do you mind my asking, what kind of moisturizer you use?”
Soon, Bonnie arrives with her . . . to this day I can never figure out what they call that Witch Book of hers . . . Grimmore . . . Grin More . . . Gremlin? . . . whatever it is, she’s got a Big Book, and Stefan wants her to use it to help kill Katherine.
BONNIE: “Do you want me to hit her on the head with it? Because I could do that, you know . . .”
Stefan’s actual plan involves Bonnie performing a spell at the Masquerade Ball for the Homeless (?) that will isolate Katherine from the rest of the party, so that the Brother Vamps can kill her in peace. Then, Bonnie makes me like her character just a little bit more, by actually agreeing to the plan, without giving anyone a migraine . . .
. . . or making a single Anti-Vampire comment, in the process. (It’s a start . . .)
“As long as no one gets hurt,” Judgy Bonnie can’t help but scold.
(In hindsight, this was probably the funniest line in the whole episode. Seriously! Who didn’t get hurt at the Masquerade Ball for the Homeless(?))
“Except for Katherine. Tonight the Kat gets a stake through the heart,” concluded Damon (a line which undoubtedly scared the bejeesus out of all the cats,watching this episode . . . including mine . . . she’s a HUGE TVD fan!)
This isn’t her . . .
My Katherine, what a BIG WITCH you have!
Speaking of Katherine, it looks like she got herself a witch of her own. And MAN is she TALL! In fact, Witchy Lucy was SO tall, she made most of the cast look like miniature figurines! After weeks of seeing the evil vamp threaten her adversaries, with sing-song one-liners and double entendres, it was nice to see Katherine with someone who (at least, at first) actually seemed like friend of hers.
When Lucy inquires as to why Katherine is straightening her hair, she replies conspiratorially, “I’m impersonating my dull as dishwater doppelganger, Elena.”
“She has terrible taste,” scoffs Katherine.
“Except in men!” Lucy replies.
When Katherine flirtatiously asks Lucy to be her “plus one” at the event, I couldn’t help but wonder if these two had ever “experimented” with eachother. (Come on! You just KNOW Katherine is the kind of girl who “swings both ways.”)
Everybody Rejects Elena . . . (for once in her life)
“WTF, guys! You can’t engage in Scooby Games without ME! You all LOVE ME, and I’m HOT!”
Back at the Gilbert house, Mopey Elena is being SUPER selfish! She’s letting her breakup with Stefan get in the way of her going to a boozy party TO HELP THE HOMELESS!
She tries to get Zombie Matt to stay home with her (he used to LUUUUUUVVVV her, after all). But Zombie Matt is on a suicidal mission . . . one which (shockingly) doesn’t involve Elena. But when Elena finds out that Stefan AND Jeremy went to “help the homeless” too, she gets REALLY pissed!
“I’m glad he’s going,” says Useless Aunt Jenna, of Jeremy. “He needs to lose the Emo Thing.”
(“Emo Thing,” Jenna? COME ON! That is SO Season 1!)
Ultimately, however, it’s Alaric that spills the beans about the Scooby Gang and their Ocean’s 11-esque plan to Kill the Kat, and Save the Elena!
“What can I say? I’m a sucker for a good Spoiler!”
So Many Dicks, So Little Time . . .
Having watched the episode, I now see that the purpose of that seemingly random scene between Tyler and his mom, was to, more or less, foreshadow what happened to him at the end of the episode. However, when I first watched it, I was pretty certain it was all about DICKS . . .
“Why so much ‘dick’? You’ve got something against the word ‘weiner?'”
Tyler apologized for being a DICK . . . Tyler’s mom said Tyler’s dead dad could be a DICK sometimes . . . Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick. Between all these dicks, and the two Damon used in the opening scenes, I found myself sorely wishing I had created a drinking game around this word, before the episode began . . .
Slutty Amy Meets Her Maker . . .
As if the attempted murder of Useless Aunt Jenna, and the zombification / attempted murder of Matt weren’t enough of an indication, Katherine once again proved herself to be NO JOKE early on in the Masquerade Ball for the Homeless(?). After a very sexy slow dance with Stefan, Katherine, angered by Stefan’s staunch refusal to give her the Moonstone right away, claimed the episode’s first victim, in a matter of minutes . . .
We barely knew thee, ya big WHORE!
Your dress is “GORG!” swoons Slutty Amy to Vampire Katherine, who she believes to be Elena. Casting a final defiant look in Stefan’s direction, Katherine casually walks over to the well-meaning, but incredibly dim girl, and snaps her neck.
“OMG! I can’t believe you just did that! It makes me so . . . thirsty.”
And the Senseless Death Award goes to . . .
. . . wait . . . I already forgot her name . . .
Tyler gets some action (and his first taste of CGI Graphics . . .)
“Hey Matt, is that a murder weapon in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?”
So, here’s the question I have about this whole “compelling thing:” When a subject is compelled to do something, how long does that suggestion last? Is Jenna going to keep “accidentally walking into knives?” Is Matt going to keep trying to get Tyler to kill him, even though Katherine is (at least, temporarily) out of the picture, and the reason for the mission has already been accomplished?
I only ask, because I noticed that, even though Katherine gave Matt the suggestion to provoke Tyler until Tyler killed him, last week, Katherine felt the need to compel him AGAIN, with the same suggestion, at the Masquerade Ball for the Homeless(?).
Perhaps, she was afraid viewers he would forget?
“God, you are HOT! Now go away!” Katherine told Matt, her message having been successfully re-delivered.
So, off went Matt, along with Slutty Sarah . . .
. . . and Tyler into the “Forbidden Room” a.k.a. “Dad’s Study” to get wasted. Once the trio is suitably hammered, Matt starts acting like . . . for lack of a better term . . . a TOTAL DICK . . .
Speaking of dicks (AGAIN!), Matt starts calling Tyler’s Dead Dad ONE. (Talk about speaking ill of the dead, this is the second time this hour that the dearly departed Mayor has been called a part of the male anatomy.) Matt then randomly pours a bottle of expensive liquor on the carpet, and smashes a picture of Tyler and his father to the ground. “Remember when your Dad used to slap you around?” Matt slurringly inquires.
“I’m not going to fight you,” says Tyler, just as he does EVERYTIME he’s about to fight someone.
Then Matt starts to attack him . . .
The two “go at it” (wink, wink) for a little while, as Slutty Sarah watches with interest. Then Caroline . . .
. . . having just completed her Scooby Gang task (more on that, in a bit) . . . hears the ruckus, using her super sensitive vampire ears. Off rushes Baby Vamp to kick some ass, and take some names!
In minutes, Caroline has put herself in between the fighting boys. With little effort at all, she knocks Matt unconscious to the ground. He’s woozy and wasted, but alive.
“That was ALL KINDS of hot, Caroline! I’m stroking my pool stick, just thinking about it.”
Crisis averted . . . or so it seemed . . . but as we learned last week, Katherine always has a Plan B! “Matt failed. If Matt fails, I can’t,” utters Slutty Sarah robotically, as she lunges at Tyler with a very sharp letter opener.
“TYLER LOOK OUT!” Caroline screams, from the floor next to Matt.
Caught off guard, a very freaked out Tyler knocks Slutty Sarah into his deceased father’s desk. And Slutty Sarah, who, might I remind you, survived BEING PUSHED DOWN AN ENTIRE FLIGHT OF WOODEN STEPS, early on in the season, hits her head and dies instantly.
But, hey . . . at least her death wasn’t SENSELESS, like her friend Amy’s! Caroline rushes to examine Slutty Sarah’s non-existent pulse, while Tyler hunches over in pain. That’s when it happens. Tyler’s eyes begin to bug out, werewolf style . . .
. . . and THAT was how his curse was ACTIVATED!
After dropping Matt off in the car to “sleep it off,” Caroline returns to check on Tyler, who has broken the news of Slutty Sarah’s death to his mother. Mommy Dearest takes it surprisingly well. It kind of makes me wonder how much she knows about the Werewolf Curse, which both her husband, and now her son, have experienced firsthand. “It was an accident,” she says calmly. “We’ll take care of it.”
“I’ll deal with Matt,” Caroline says comfortingly to Tyler.
“Why are you doing all this [for me]?” Tyler inquires. “I killed her. She’s dead. You have no idea what that means.”
“Well, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle DEAD!”
“Yes . . . I do,” replies the Undead Triple Homicide Veteran.
Caroline then calls Tyler’s attention to his heretofore bloody wounds, now healed. “How did you do that?” Tyler asks, now staring at the sexy blonde intently.
(Hmmmmm . . . well . . . Caroline and Tyler would be more interesting together than Caroline and Matt. That’s for sure! Just out of curiousity, how bizarre exactly do you think a vampire / werewolf lovechild would look, anyway?)
Here’s a good guess!
The Best Laid Plans
Back in Kill Kat Land, Stefan chastises himself for not killing Kat during the Memory Lane episode, when he had the chance. Damon, always eager to best his brother, argues that this would NEVER happen to him. “You loved her for over 140 years. It could happen . . .” Stefan warns.
“Whatever happens, I’ve got your back,” says Damon to his Baby Bro. “Tonight, it [Kat’s Reign of Terror] ends.”
Meanwhile, Mr. I-Am-Incapable-of-Being-Single-and-Therefore-Will-Hit-On/Fall-in-Love-with ANYONE, Jeremy decides that this would be a great opportunity to put the moves on his Big Sister’s sort of/kind of best friend.
“Nice boobs, Bonnie! Way nicer than Tyler’s . . . a bit nicer than Anna’s . . . but not quite as nice as Vicki’s”
“You are 100% B*tch Witch. That is so cool,” remarks Jeremy flirtatiously, as Bonnie puts the finishing touches on her Kathering Binding spell.
Surprise! Surprise! If Jeremy had witchy powers, he says he would use them to perform Sex Spells . . .
When did this episode of The Vampire Diaries become the movie Eyes Wide Shut?
“[Being a witch] never ends well for people like me,” complains Bonnie morbidly.
(Talk about KILLING THE MOOD, BONNIE!)
While the pair are talking, Bonnie gets a “feeling” (it’s called being horny) that she has to investigate . . .
The “feeling,” as it turns out, comes from Mini Gilbert fellow witch, Lucy . . .
The plan now set in motion, Jeremy finds Katherine and tells her to meet Stefan and Damon upstairs, where they will supposedly give her the Moonstone. Next up is Caroline, who finds herself accosted by Katherine for the second time this episode.
“They are trying to kill you,” squeaks Caroline, as her head is pushed into a wall.
“Where’s Bonnie?” Katherine wisely inquires to a “choked up” Caroline.
“She’s upstairs,” replies Caroline breathlessly.
Katherine drags Caroline upstairs. Then, the Baby Vamp leads the Old as Sh*t Vamp to a guest bedroom. Bonnie is not there. But Stefan and Damon are. And now, thanks to Bonnie’s spell, Katherine can’t leave!
“I DID IT!” Caroline squeals with joy, practically jumping up and down at the thought of having bested the vampire who “killed her.” “Goodbye Kat!” She says, giving her a cute girly finger wave, before exiting stage left. (LOVE HER!)
While Katherine is distracted by Stefan and his little baby dagger, Damon approaches her from behind with his big BULL of a SHOTGUN! *wink wink*
But this . .. is when things start to go wrong . . .
Down on the ground below, Elena has crashed the party in plain clothes. Apparently the Debbie Downer has come to pee on all the fun that is the Salvatore Detective Agency Feline Murder Plot . . .
Note: When I first screencapped this scene from the trailer, I was POSITIVE that it featured Damon and Elena! Imagine my disappointment to learn that it was Mini Gilbert instead . . .
“You don’t need to do this for me,” remarks Little Miss Selfish to her brother, when she learns what the crew has planned in her absence.
“It’s not just about YOU! NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU! She’s messed with all of us. She has to be stopped!” Jeremy explains.
Suddenly, a massive bullet wound appears on Elena’s stomach.
Elena doubles over, in pain! Bonnie instantly realizes that Katherine’s witch, Lucy, linked the doppelgangers together, so that when Damon and Stefan hurt Katherine, they would also hurt the NEW love of BOTH of their lives, Elena. Bonnie rushes to find Lucy, while Jeremy tends to Elena . . .
Meanwhile, the battle of Salvatore Brothers versus Katherine rages on! And as my Blogger Pal Amy (not the Slutty Dead ONE from the show) remarked, it was SUPER KINKY!
There was tons of panting, grunting, thrusting and vamped-out posturing . . .
Phallic weapons were stroked, poked, and prodded into skin that bumped and grinded against other skin.
There were big STICKS flying everywhere, penetrating EVERYTHING!
“EAT IT! PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH! SWALLOW!”
At one point, Katherine straddled Stefan, while Damon approached her from behind, ready to “strike.”
It was AWESOME!
At that moment, Jeremy rushes in to tell the brothers that Katherine and Elena are linked, and that everything Damon and Stefan do to Katherine is also happening to Elena . . .
Unable to fathom ever physically hurting the woman he has come to care for so deeply — even if it means losing to Katherine — Damon stops fighting immediately. A worried expression instantly replaces the rage that had covered his face, just seconds before.
Talk about doing a complete 180! NOW Katherine has begun hurting herself, as Damon and Stefan desperately try to STOP HER!
“Kiss me, Damon! She’ll feel THAT too!” Katherine taunts.
(GIRLS, HOW AWESOME WOULD IT HAVE BEEN IF HE ACTUALLY DID IT?)
“What happened Damon, you used to be so polite?” Katherine continues.
“That guy died a LONG time ago!” Damon remarks shrewdly.
Like Isobel before her, Katherine instantly can see the extent to which Damon loves Elena, and how that effects Stefan. She notes how both men are “worshipping at Elena’s alter,” when they used to worship at Katherine’s.
Stefan and Katherine then take a little trip down memory lane. With Katherine remarking about how she has checked up on Stefan over the years, even going as far as to follow him to a Bon Jovi concert back in the 80’s. (And you just KNOW Stefan had a mullet back then!)
Stefan, for his part, makes the connection between Werewolf George’s need for the moonstone back in 1864, and Katherine’s need for it now.
“You used the moonstone to bargain for your safety,” Stefan notes wisely. “And you were already free, when we tried to save you.” He recalls.
“Yes, your obsession with me was very inconvenient, Damon,” Katherine scoffs.
“You and me both!” Damon exclaims.
The old ball and chain . . .
Stefan wonders who Katherine has been running from all these years. But Katherine refuses to answer. And yet, something tellls me that the Salvatore Detective Agency are about to find out . . .
Meanwhile, Bonnie finds Lucy, who knows she has the Moonstone, and will only break the spell on Elena, if Bonnie gives it up. Bonnie moves to fight Lucy, but stops, after hearing her say the words, “You can trust me.”
In the following scene, Lucy arrives in the War Room, instantly breaking the binding curse on Katherine, and handing her the Moonstone. But when Lucy hands Katherine the stone, Katherine falls to the ground seizing.
“You should have told me the other witch involved was a Bennett,” remarks Lucy, as Katherine goes still.
Lucy informs the brothers that the curse is broken, and Elena will heal. She then goes outside to Bonnie, and tells her the truth. Lucy was only working for Katherine, because she had a debt that needed repayment. Katherine had apparently saved her life once.
But Bonnie is Lucy’s family, so she comes first. Because Lucy is a Bennett witch too!
“Seeing you was a wake up call,” explains Lucy. “I have got to stop letting vampires control my life.”
“I have so many questions,” says Bonnie. “How do I stay out of all this[vampire sh*t]?”
“You are one of the good ones,” Lucy explains. “Right in the middle is where you need to be. It was nice meeting you. You’ll see me again.” The witch promises before disappearing into the woods.
Then Mini Gilbert MAGICALLY APPEARS . . .
He gallantly offers the Little Witch a ride home. Bonnie didn’t even know he had a drivers’ license! “I’m not a kid anymore,” remarks Scrappy Doo.
Then, the future couple ride off into the sunset, in Jeremy’s Super Fly Ride . . .
For reasons I didn’t quite understand (not that I’m complaining – Damon and Elena FOR THE WIN!) Elena stays broken up with Stefan, even though the purported reason for their breakup is now out of the picture. When Stefan confronts her about her decision, Elena rattles off some nonsense about needing to “feel safe.”
(Riiiight, because being single and alone, when you are a Magnet of Trouble, is WAY safer than having a kickass Body Guard Boyfriend who can snap your attackers’ necks, as easily as he can tie his shoes . . .)
Umm Stefan? I hate to be the one to break this to you, but . . .
. . . quite possibly because she’s into him . . .
“MY TURN! Cheers!”
(My sincere apologies to Stelena fans, who are undoubtedly cursing me underneath their breaths right now. Really, I mean you no harm! I like Stefan. I DO! I just like Damon MORE But, even YOU have to admit, that Breakup Excuse was kind of lame . . .)
Speaking of Damon, he made the awesome decision to NOT kill Katherine, and instead, to lock her up the same tomb she SHOULD have been in all those years ago. “Death would have been too kind,” growls Damon. “The writers would also really like the opportunity to bring you back next year around Sweeps Week, and if you were Dead Dead, they couldn’t do that.”
“Elena’s in danger,” Katherine warns from inside the tomb.
“You lie. You will always lie,” Damon seethes.
“Why do you think I never killed her, when I had the chance? She’s my doppelganger. She needs to be protected.” Katherine adds convincingly.
“Then I’ll protect her,” Damon replies without a second thought, a few choice images, undoubtedly running through his head, and ours as he utters those powerful words . . .
“And YOU will ROT IN HELL!” Damon explains decisively, as he locks the tomb.
As it turns out, Damon may have done well to listen a bit better to Kat, for once. Because, in the final scene of the episode, as Elena walks alone to her car, she is kidnapped by THIS WEIRDO . . .
There you go, Elena. Yet another Damsel in Distress moment for YOU! So much for “BEING SAFE!”