Karev stares wistfully at what’s left of his balls, after Avery beat the crap out of him, at Cristina’s House Warming Party . . .
The way I see it, there are two types of people in this world: (1) those who have balls . . .
(2) and those who don’t.
Although seemingly simplistic, the above statement is actually much more complex than it looks. After all, I could talking about balls, in the literal sense . . .
. . . balls, in the anatomic sense . . .
. . . or balls, in the metaphoric sense, as something representative of courage or “guts.”
During this week’s installment of Grey’s Anatomy, many of our favorite Seattle Grace-ys got the opportunity to show us their BALLS . . .
. . . while others just . . . sat around eating frozen yogurt.
It’s never too late to gain the Freshman 15 . . .
So, without further adieu, what do you say we get these balls rolling, and commence with the recap?
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The New-New Cristina
When the episode opens, we learn that Cristina hasn’t exactly been using her “Surgery Hiatus” time wisely. In fact, despite having ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD to decorate, following her and Owen’s move into the Old Firehouse, Cristina hasn’t unpacked a SINGLE BOX. The result of this massive oversight, on Cristina’s part is that her and Owen’s new crib now looks like something out of A&E’s Hoarders.
(In Cristina’s defense, moving SUCKS! And I would know, because I’ve done my fair share of it . . .)
Speaking of Cristina’s “Surgery Hiatus,” those of you who, like me, were worried that we would have to suffer through yet another episode of “”The Mopey Depressed PTSD Cristina Show,” got a bit of a reprieve this week . . .
“This week on Grey’s Anatomy, the part of Mopey Depressed PTSD Cristina will be played by Crazy, Bad Dancing, I Don’t Give a F*ck Cristina.”
Now . . . before you all start giving me the Stink Eye . . . I KNOW that letting her “id” run wild, compulsively spending money on frivolous things, and impulsively throwing parties and chopping off her friend’s hair, is not a “healthy” way for Cristina to cope with the emotional trauma she suffered, as a result of The Shooting. But you have to admit that this week’s Cristina was WAY MORE FUN to watch than last week’s, right?
Speaking of People-I-Thought-Would-Be-Annoyingly-Mopey-This-Week-But-Weren’t . . .
Callie Get’s a New Look . . .
“This week on Grey’s Anatomy, the part of Callie Torres will be played by Minnie Mouse . . .”
Cristina isn’t the only Seattle Grace Doc on “Surgery Hiatus,” this week. As it turns out, Callie too has decided to take some time off, following her girlfriend Arizona’s decision to
go on maternity leave from the show leave Callie’s ass for Africa. When Callie hears the news from Mark that Cristina has quit the residency program, she rushes to her former roommate’s new casa to talk some sense into her. Instead, she ends up . . . getting a haircut?
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I have to admit that Cristina’s maniacal cackling, as she dangled a chunk of Poor Callie’s hair in her face, all the while screaming, “LET’S MAKE LEMONADE,” frightened me a little bit. However, my initial fear quickly vanished, when a now Hat-Wearing Callie and Crazy, Bad Dancing, I Don’t Give a F*ck Cristina decided to GO TO THE MALL!
After all, who doesn’t like malls? Malls are AWESOME!
Cristina and Callie Become Mallrats . . .
The scenes featuring Cristina and Callie at the mall on Grey’s this week, kind of reminded me of that old movie Mallrats . . . or rather, what that movie would be like, if those two poor slacker guys in it were actually female surgeons with LOTS of money to burn . . .
Ostensibly, the duo was at the mall, so that Callie could get her hair fixed, since Cristina had gone all Edwards Scissorhands on it, earlier . . .
However, Cristina uses the time to bask in the very special joys that only unemployment (while married to a rich surgeon) can provide. During her Mallpisode, Cristina eats highly processed and chemical-laden food, prepared by teenagers. She also marvels at the “Mall People,” who wander about the premises slowly, and aimlessly, with no particular time schedule to keep, but the ones in their own brains. Cristina also buys an ENTIRE LIVING ROOM DISPLAY at the Furniture Store!
This just in . . . the Recession is OVER! Our economy’s troubles have single-handedly been resolved, through the frivolous purchases of one woman. And that woman is: Cristina Yang – Mall Person!
Did I mention that NuCristina has also decided to throw herself a house party, and invite all her surgeon friends, but NOT tell her new husband? Cristina Yang – Mall Person has officially become MY IDOL!
Meanwhile, back at Seattle Grace, where people actually have to work for a living . . .
Everybody Hates Teddy . . .
Poor Doctor Altman! Ever since her Blink-and-You’ll-Miss-It dalliance with that Shrink Guy has ended, she hasn’t had a single storyline that didn’t involve her yelling at someone, or being yelled at by someone. Teddy kicks off this week, by getting more than her share of the latter.
It all starts, when Teddy holds a little “information session” at the hospital, regarding her “Miraculous Lung Transplant Patient.” Unfortuntely, no one gives two darns about that Poor Roy Henley Guy, who, lets face it, is SO LAST WEEK!
“Hey! Now that’s not very nice! What’s a guy gotta do to get some sympathy around here. DIE?”
“Worked for ME!”
Instead, the doctors pepper Teddy with questions about Dr. Yang’s absence, and why she chose to quit the Residency Program. Leading the Inquisition is Derek, or, as I like to call him, Dr. McJudgy . . .
“Hey! I resemble that remark!”
McJudgy goes as far as to suggest that it is Teddy’s fault that Cristina quit her Residency, because Teddy inadvertently obligated Cristina to care for Roy, who was a very high risk patient, with a rather complex case history. As if her presumed involvement in Cristina’s quitting didn’t make Teddy unpopular enough, shortly after the information session, the “Cardio God” finds herself having to cater to a VERY IMPORTANT patient, who no one else is allowed to KNOW is even in the hospital . . .
Inexplicably, most of the doctors at the hospital assume that Teddy’s Super Secret Patient is Bono . . .
Unfortunately, it doesn’t end up being anyone nearly as exciting. It’s just some random Middle Eastern Leader Dude, who’s trying to bring peace to the entire Free World. Bo-rinnnnggg!
Teddy, who is no Politico, by ANY means, does her best to save Middle Eastern Leader Dude’s life, while catering to the increasingly strange demands and inquiries of his
harem colleagues and staff. While, at first, Teddy butts heads with the Head of Middle Eastern Leader Dude’s Secret Service, the latter ultimately comes to respect Desert Storm Barbie, for her ability to work so well under pressure . . .
There was actually some pretty spicy sexual tension between these two! And if this was a different show, and /or Teddy was a more well-liked character, we all KNOW that Teddy and the Secret Service Guy would have totally hit the on-call room for some Horizontal Mambo. But its Grey’s Anatomy, and its Teddy Altman, so they didn’t . . .
Things got a bit more complicated, when Middle Eastern Leader Dude’s Chief Advisor, admitted that Middle Eastern Leader Dude did not just have heart trouble, as previously thought, he had also recently suffered from a brain aneurysm.
“Well, hello there! My name is Ridiculous Plot Twist. It is very nice to meet you.”
Now, suddenly, Teddy is forced to call upon her nemesis, Brain Doctor Derek. The pair must perform surgery on Middle Eastern Leader Dude simultaneously. How’s THAT for awkward? Fortunately, this is DEREK we’re talking about, here. So, of course, everything goes perfectly. Shortly thereafter, Middle Eastern Leader Dude is free to go back to his country, and Save the World.
(And if you believe that I have a bridge to sell you in Brooklyn for $2. If interested, inquire in the comment section, below . . .)
The Balls are in YOUR Court . . .
Remember a few weeks back, when April was totally and completely in LOVE with Derek Shepherd? Remember how she would follow him around all the time, like a puppy in heat; and would squeal annoyingly everytime the Married Man did so much as take a dump, unaided?
Come on, April. You KNOW its true . . .
Well, those days are gone now. Because, ever since Alex gave April the Hug Heard Round the World, last week . . .
. . . it’s been ALL KAREV, ALL THE TIME, as far as this girl is concerned . . .
So, you can imagine how excited April was, upon finding out that both she and Karev were on New Pediatric Doctor Stark’s service together . . .
While spending the day taking care of babies, April can’t help but imagine what it would be like for her and Alex to have a Bundle of Joy of their own . . . one produced by Divine Conception, of course.
Although April and Alex care for many Tiny Humans under Stark’s watch, their main Patient of the Week is a baby in need of a liver transplant . . .
“How many times do I have to tell you? It’s LISA! The baby’s name is LISA! LISA! LISA! LISA! Like that chick from The Simpsons . . .”
Aside from REPEATEDLY demanding that the doctors refer to her by name, Lisa’s parents have lots of questions about the manner in which Dr. Stark will chose to conduct the transplant. However, Dr. Stark can really give two craps about answering these questions. He’s WAY TOO BUSY bossing getting Karev and April to do his job for him, to do a thing like that.
To make matters worse, when it comes time to do the transplant, Dr. Stark finds that the liver is TOO BIG for the baby’s body. And so, he makes the bizarre decision to LEAVE THE BABY OPEN for a few day, while the swelling goes down.
Stark HOPES that the liver will “fit” inside the body . . . eventually. (Now, how’s that for a ringing endorsement . . .)
Of course, Dr. Stark doesn’t tell ANY of this to Lisa’s parents, who assume their little girl is doing just fine. April and Alex don’t like the situation one bit. Fortunately, during lunch, the “Brilliant”
A**hole Alex comes up with a plan involving his balls . . . or rather, A BALL that Lexie shot at his chest earlier.
Never . . . gets . . . old.
Upon recognizing that Lisa’s liver can be wrapped around this small celluloid ball, without complication — thereby, enabling Dr. Stark to complete the surgery, and close the body cavity, Karev rushes show Dr. Stark what solid BALLS he really has . . .
Unfortunately, for Alex, Stark COMPLETELY blows off the idea . . . at least initially. Later, while Alex is making his rounds, April learns that Stark has decided to use the “ball” in surgery, after all. He has also opted to take FULL CREDIT for Alex’s idea!!
Arizona would NEVER do a Mean Ole Thing like that, now, would she, Grey’s fans?
April Gets SCREWED (But Only Metaphorically . . .)
Later that evening, April finds Alex resting in a cot in the on-call room. Plopping down on the bed next to him, she sweetly tells him how brilliant he was for finding a solution to Lisa’s case, and what a good person she thinks he is. Of course, this gives the perpetually Self-Destructive Alex the perfect opportunity to prove her wrong . . .
“How DARE you call me a Good Person! Walk the plank, B*tch!”
Things start off well enough, I guess. Alex, overcome with emotion that SOMEONE would be willing to show him such kindness after the AWFUL weekend he had (more on that later), pulls April toward him for a deep sweet kiss . . .
Then there is some heavy-petting, and scrubs-removal, and heavy-breathing, and laying down on the bed . . .
Uh OH! The warning bells are starting to go off here . . .
April did NOT maintain her virginity for 28-years, only to lose it on some dirty cot in the on-call room, during a five-minute break between rounds. Now, April definitely WANTS to do it with Alex . . . don’t get her wrong. She’d just like a few moments of quiet kissing to ponder the occasion.
After all, before she knows it, her virginity will be gone forever. And she will be waddling (sore, slightly bloody, and feeling a bit used) to the OR, to perform yet another surgery. So, April politely inquires whether Alex can slow down just a smidge with his Olympic Speed Boning . . .
Well, CLEARLY Alex is a guy who is NOT capable of “keeping it up” for very long, if you catch my drift. Because the mere suggestion of slowing down, causes Quick Draw McWilly to go TOTALLY Apesh*t on Poor April’s ass!
“What do you need from me? You wanna screw, let’s screw. You don’t, then get out. I’m not gonna hold your Virgin Hand, and walk you through it, Dammit! You’re not a child. I can’t take care of you. I can’t take care of everybody in this frickin’ place!”
Well, if it were ME laying in that cot, I would have told Alex to take that HAND of his, and shove it up his ASS . . . so, that he could slap the NASTY FACE attached to his HEAD, which was, obviously, already up there . . .
“Hey, something smells funny, up here . . .”
But April is a much nicer person than I am. So, she just lays on the cot, crying, as the Grade A – A**hole storms out to go kick tiny puppies, or whatever it is that Grade A – Asshole’s do in their spare time . . .
Jackson Avery to the RESCUE!
“I may not be the BEST doctor in this hospital. But I am certainly the best-LOOKING. And today, I might have proved myself to be the best FRIEND.”
April is still crying hysterically, by the time she gets to Cristina’s House Warming Party . . .
*sobbing uncontrollably* “How the hell do two you afford this place? I work at the exact same job that you do, and yet, I share a BATHROOM with 85,000
castmembers roommates, one of whom just totally ripped me a new one in the on-call room! It’s not fair, dammit!”
Jackson hasn’t exactly had the best day himself. Not only has he become the “red-headed stepchild” of the residency program, having screwed up surgery after surgery, since The Shooting. He also suffered the loss of one of the patients, he was caring for on Bailey’s behalf (through no fault of his own). So, Jackson sees his best friend April in need. And hers is a problem he can fix . . . (just not in the way you think ;)).
OK . . . I know he’s supposed to LOVE Lexie and all, but does anyone else think these two would be pretty darn adorable together?
And “fix it,” Jackson does . . .
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“OK . . . I get that I should be all ‘Morally Outraged’ by the sight of two incredibly HOT grown men beating the sh*t out of eachother for ME . . . but I’m secretly loving ALL OF IT.”
That was AWESOME! Just like with Cristina, while I logically recognize that Jackson’s uncharacteristically aggressive behavior is sort of a Cry for Help, it’s still CRAZY FUN TO WATCH! (And let’s face it, Alex the A**hole TOTALLY had it coming . . . )
Speaking of Alex, he later admits to Meredith that he spent the weekend caring for his brother Aaron . . .
. . . who has just been diagnosed as schizophrenic, after trying to KILL his teenage sister. Unable to cope with all the family drama, Alex flees, after just a day or two. And I guess the guilt of not being able to care for his family, caused him to lash out at April.
*sings* “Nobody knows . . . the trouble I’ve seen . . . nobody knows, the SORROW!”
Yeah . . . OK . . . I’ll admit it . . . your Family Situation really SUCKS, Alex. But its no excuse to be a DICK to a Nice Virgin. Just sayin . . .
But Where’s Cristina?
Throughout the episode, Cristina’s friends and colleagues have plotted to confront her at her House Warming Party, and stage an “intervention,” of sorts . . . The only person who seems to be against that idea is Derek, who himself, is no stranger to “quitting his job”
during Sweeps Week. Nonetheless, McJudgy is out-ranked and out-numbered. And so, the Intervention is set to occur. The only problem is that no one find Cristina . . .
Why? You ask? Because Derek has kidnapped her . . . and taken her up to the roof of the apartment, where he can ply her with wine, and discuss . . . home furnishings?
Yeah . . . I didn’t get it either.
Oh, and I almost forgot about Callie . . .
For those of you who haven’t seen the episode, and are curious about Callie’s Big Change Haircut, here it is . . .
Based on the comments I’ve read on various message boards, I’ve come to the conclusion that most of you LIKE the ‘do. And, while I don’t necesarily disagree, I do have a question or two for you Grey’s fans out there.
Here goes . . . (1) At what age do you become TOO OLD to wear rainbow-colored streaks in your hair? (2) And if there exists such an age, has Callie passed it?
Did I mention that Callie and Mark are moving in together, because “it’s easier to be single together, than alone?” I smell ANOTHER Friends with Benefits storyline . . . . don’t you?
Seriously, Grey’s? I know they’re cute together and all, but HOW MANY TIMES ARE WE GOING TO GO THERE?
Speaking of “Going There,” the trailer for next week’s installment of Grey’s looks so intriguingly bizarre, that I can’t help, but share it with you . . . So, enjoy!
See you next week!