Those out there who once complained that nothing ever happens on Boardwalk Empire are certainly eating crow now, aren’t they?
After all, this was the episode that FINALLY answered both the question of Jimmy’s paternity, and why his mom looks the same age that he does! Also this week, we learned: what Margaret REALLY does with her Lysol; why you should never EVER double cross that Creepy Psychopath Van Alden, and what type of things you have to say to get Steve Buscemi’s eyes to bug out of his head, like one of those cartoon characters, who just saw a Naked Lady.
But, I think my absolute FAVORITE thing about this episode was that, even though there was no Awesome Al Capone in it . . .
. . . there was also NO DUMB SLUT LUCY, either!
So, let’s bring on the sheer fabulousness. Shall we?
Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?
Don’t you hate it when, you’ve tied yourself upside down from the ceiling, and you can’t seem to get out of your straight jacket? Well, so does Harry Houdini’s much less famous brother, NotHoudini. We learn this during a VERY embarrassing public performance, during which NotHoudini takes WAY TOO LONG to get himself out of his straight jacket, while thousands look on, boredly.
Later, back at Nucky’s mansion, NotHoudini redeems himself (sort of) by performing that So-Easy-a-Five-Year-Old-Can-Do-It, Hide the Jewelry Trick on Margaret. Margaret is clearly impressed. Thus, proving that she should really get out more! I blame Nucky, of course.
“Wow! Could you pull a rabbit out of a hat, and a coin out of my ear too?”
“I knew you were deceiving me, and yet you still succeeded in doing it,” Margaret marvels.
The aforementioned statement ends up being a major exercise in foreshadowing. As it turns out, both Margaret’s “willingness” to be deceived, and that “hidden” necklace Nucky gave her, will be featured prominently in one of the episode’s main plotlines.
Later, when Nucky’s brother, Eli, rips him a new tushy, for letting his girlfriend get too involved in his business affairs, Nucky responds by comparing Eli to NotHoudini. “If it weren’t for who his brother was, nobody would give a f*&k [about him],” exclaims Nucky.
And just to prove to Eli, how serious he is about nobody giving a sh*t about him, Nucky rips Eli’s Sheriff position right out from under his nose, and awards it to Opportunistic Prick Halloran. Opportunistic Prick, if you recall, had the sheer GALL to ask Nucky for the position last week, mere days after Eli had been shot.
Don’t worry Eli! You could always decide to become a Magician like NotHoudini. You’re already pretty good at making opportunities disappear . . .
“Wash Your Mouth Out With Lysol, Just Like You Wash Your . . . Cat!”
Thank you, Boardwalk Empire for reminding me just how much I’ve missed Steve Buscemi’s Crazy Eyes!
Shortly after NotHoudini’s in-house performance, Nucky’s friend, Random Dude with Mustache, starts blubbering like a baby, because he lost all his money in a Ponzi Scheme. Scratch that. He lost his money in THE Ponzi Scheme, orchestrated by Charles Ponzi, himself. Now, you’ve got to admit, that’s pretty impressive. I mean that’s the type of thing they make souvenirs for!
Unfortunately, Random Dude with Mustache’s “concubine,” Annabelle Lotsa Wigs, doesn’t think so. And when she tries to gather up the money she’s been stealing from him all these years, and skip town, she’s APPALLED to find out that HE STOLE IT FIRST!
It’s not easy being sleazy . . .
So, of course, Annabelle Lotsa Wigs, upon realizing that her Meal Ticket has expired, runs crying to Former F*&k Buddy, Nucky for some dough. She even offers to give him a little screw, for good luck. During their
foreplay little exchange, who should walk in, but . . . LARGE MARGE!
To say Margaret is pissed off is an understatement, especially since SHE just lent Lotsa Wigs $50 herself, earlier. So Margie starts really letting Nucky have it, in that grumpy passive-aggressive style she’s mastered so well, over the years. Before you know it, EVERYTHING that has been unspoken between Nucky and Margaret throught the season, comes bubbling to the surface.
Margaret calls Nucky out on making her do his political dirty work, while not permitting her to ask questions about his criminal enterprises. Nucky calls Margaret out on being a hypocrite. “If you were really a good person, you wouldn’t be here right now,” he remarks SAGELY.
He’s kind of got a point there . . .
Then, Nucky calls Margaret out on using Lysol to . . . ahem . . . clean herself.
But, hey, Margaret doesn’t want to risk making any more Little Nuckys with her Nookie! After all, there’s a good chance one of those bastard children might end up getting the Crazy Eyes Gene!
However, things don’t REALLY get heated, until Margaret (rightfully) accuses Nucky of having her husband killed. Sure, he was a stinking drunk loser, who beat her, and made her lose her baby. But that doesn’t mean he DESERVED TO DIE! Oh . . . wait . . . yes it does.
Yet, when Nucky (rightfully) replies that Margaret is WAY better off with her old husband dead, Margaret SLAPS HIM IN THE FACE!
Is it just me, or does she do that to people, A LOT?
Well . . . that Bitch Slap was MORE than enough ammunition for Nucky’s Crazy Eyes to come out to play. Suddenly, the Nuckster is hurling Margaret’s Lysol bottle into a mirror, shattering it. “You won’t be needing THIS anymore!” Nucky yelps.
(Now, I’m assuming he was referring to the Lysol Douche Bottle. But wouldn’t it be funny if he was talking about the mirror?)
Margaret calls Nucky’s bluff, and definitively ends his Nookie (at least, for now). Toward, the end of the episode, Nucky learns from Richard Harrow, that Margaret “fired” the Sweet Tin Man Serial Killer, packed up her kiddies, and fled Concubine Row, leaving the necklace that Nucky bought for her behind.
“Was it something I said?”
At the end of the episode, Nucky visits a fortune teller, to find out whether there is any hope of him getting laid in the near future. In payment for her services, Nucky undoubtedly will give said fortune teller a used necklace, and a half-empty bottle of Lysol . . .
“Look Mom, Ghosts!”
Speaking of people who’s futures are going to suck, when we last left the Most Boring Closeted Lesbian in the World, Angela, she was making plans to escape to Paris with Little Tommy and her Kissing Friend, the Photographer’s Wife . . .
So, this week, Angela packs her bags, and, after leaving a note for Jimmy, heads off to the Photography Shop to meet her Destiny.
Unfortunately, when Angela arrives at the shop, she learns that Destiny left without her. Some dude sweeping the floor, informs a very heartbroken Angela that the Photographer and his Wife skipped town permanently in the dead of night, supposedly en route to Paris. And yet, a photograph Tommy finds on the floor of the otherwise empty shop seems to suggest otherwise. “Look Mom, Ghosts!” Angela’s son exclaims.
When Angela examines the picture she sees to her horror, that it is a wedding photo of the photographer and his wife, both with their faces crudely scratched out. No more Kissing Friend, for Angela!
“Well, great! Now, I have NO PURPOSE WHATSOEVER for being on this show!”
When Angela arrives home, a rather Sinister Looking Jimmy appears shortly thereafter. “I know what you’ve been doing,” he says cryptically, to a very freaked out Angela.
(Has Jimmy read the “Dear
JimmyJohn” note Angela left him? Did he order a hit on the Photographer and his Wife? Or did he just want Angela to THINK they were dead? So many questions . . . So little recapping time.)
In fact, Jimmy pretty much ignores Angela, throughout the entire scene, talking instead to Tommy, about how much fun the two of them will have together, once he gets older. (Translation: “You’re NEVER EVER taking my kid from me, B*tch!”)
But the best part of the entire scene comes at the very end. In it, Jimmy tells Angela to put Tommy to bed, and then very dramatically closes the door in her face. The manner in which he does it is very reminiscent of that FABULOUS final scene from The Godfather, where Michael Corleone lies to his wife about killing his sister’s husband, and then closes the door in her face, as he begins to take over his father’s position, as head of the Corleone crime family, in earnest.
The fact that nobody has thought to excerpt this iconic scene on YouTube annoys me greatly. Because I really, really, really wanted to include it in this recap! If you haven’t seen the film yet, Netflix it now, or Richard Harrow will shoot you, right under your eyeball!
We are Family . . .
Hey there, Commodore! You know what grown men who diddle 13-year olds deserve? Arsenic-flavored Cookies, that’s what!
Jimmy receives a call early on in the episode from his mom that his father is dying. “What do you want me to do about it?” Jimmy asks gruffly.
Ahhh . . . there’s nothing like the love between a father and son!
Apathy aside, Jimmy decides to show up at the Commodore’s Death Bed to support his mother.
During our stay over at the Commodore’s, we learn a thing or two about Jimmy’s origins. As it turns out, Nucky pimped out Mama Gillian to the Commodore, when she was just THIRTEEN and Commodore was FIFTY FOUR!
For a lot of women, that’s not even medically possible! Poor Gillian! I mean, she probably wasn’t even old enough to buy LYSOL then! Besides, who the heck wants to be a grandmother by their early 30’s? That”d be pretty darn awful!
No wonder Jimmy’s got such a chip on his shoulder! “I’m what time and circumstances have made me,” Jimmy remarks, when a sickly Commodore inquires after Jimmy’s life choices.
“And, thankfully, I got most of my looks from my mother’s side of the family.”
Commodore then tells Jimmy that it was HIS Pervy Ass that built Atlantic City up from a dank swamp into the Cest Pool of Sin it is now! (I think he deserves a round of applause for that, don’t you? No? Still mad at him about the whole pedophile thing? Yeah . . . me too. No applause then.)
“Yeah, you and your Big Blue Ox,” Jimmy snarks.
You know you’re watching a “period piece,” when one of its “pop culture references” is about Paul Bunyan . . .
“What I’m saying is that the wrong man is running this town!” Commodore yells, frustratedly.
“Hey! I resemble that remark!”
And how does Jimmy respond to his absentee father’s suggestion that HE should be running Atlantic City, instead of Nucky. “I don’t feel well,” he says, before LITERALLY walking out of the room, and “Tossing his Cookies.”
As we find out later, those “cookies” happen to have been doused with arsenic. We learn this when the Commodore’s doctor finds evidence of the poison in the Pedophile’s blood and hair sample. As luck would have it, a bottle labeled POISON in really big letters is sitting conveniently under the Commodore’s bed, and NOBODY NOTICED IT BEFORE! Go figure!
The most obvious culprit in Cookie-Gate is Nucky himself. After all, he had the most to gain in offing the Commodore. He wanted his job (and GOT IT). Next on the list of suspects is Jimmy’s mom, Gillian, who seemed just a little too cool with caring for the man who knocked her up, while she was still wearing a training bra. Having been at the Commodore’s bedside for a few weeks now, she certainly had the “opportunity” to poison him. Then again, it could have always been Cookie Monster . . .
Everybody knows how much HE hates pedophiles!
In Other News . . .
“One ringy dingy . . . two ringy dingy . . .”
It seems that Arnold Rothstein has not been off the phone once, since the pilot episode. If anybody needs a good cell phone plan, it’s him. Wait . . . your saying there were no cell phones in the 1920’s? Sucks to be Arnie! Anyway, some “consultant Rothstein is talking to, tells him to go to Chicago. You know what that means, don’t you?
More Capone, next week! WOO HOO!
Also . . .
Richard Harrow wants to get the D’Alessio Crime Family out of hiding, by killing their mother, sisters, and dentist (?).
Criminals always did have really f*cked up teeth. That’s not very nice, Tin Man!
And finally . . .
Nelson Van Alden Gives Me Nightmares . . .
R.I.P. Agent Sebso!
When we first see Wackadoo Van Alden, he (with good reason) is still skeptical of his underling Sebso’s excuse for shooting Jimmy’s snitch. Sebso calls Nucky to whine about it. So, Nucky decides to throw his lackey a bone
that ends up choking him to death. to help him remedy the situation. Nucky provides Sebso with intel on a supposed illegal liquor distillery. This way, Sebso can pass the information along to Van Alden, thereby regaining Spanky’s Trust.
However, while the pair are searching for the distillery, they come across some Baptists.
Creepo Van Alden and the Baptist minister start engaging in some “Religious Talk.” During the whole scene, I keep waiting for Sir-Belts-a-Lot to walk right into that river(?) / lake (?) and clean that Dirty Skank Lucy’s Juices right off him. But he doesn’t. (He must have Lysol at home.)
Instead, Mr. Self-Righteous Jack Off acts APPALLED, by the fact that Sebso is Jewish, and, therefore, cannot be nearly as good of a person as the
bat sh*t crazy, evil, jerks off to 16-year old girl’s pictures, cheats on his wife with whores, steals money, refuses to support his wife emotionally or financially Angelic Van Alden.
So, that he can start to trust the “Heathen” Sebso again, Van Alden decides to “baptize” him.
And by “baptize” him, I mean repeatedly dunk him in the water until he drowns, while an ENTIRE CROWD OF “GOOD” BAPTISTS watch him do it, and do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO HELP!
*Kitty Genovese, once again shakes her head in sympathy with the Now-Dead Sebso’s plight.*
To cover his ass, Van Alden makes some B.S. excuse about having “purged evil from the world” or some crap like that.
Then this Horrible Excuse for a Human Being walks out of the water, as if he is the Lord, himself. And an ENTIRE CROWD of god-fearing individuals, who just WATCHED HIM KILL SOMEONE, just let the Murderer GO ON HIS MERRY WAY! Then again, maybe that had something to do with the loaded gun Crazytown was carrying, as moved through the crowd . . .
But still! That group could have TOTALLY taken the bastard down! (Those little grannies may look wimpy . . . but they’ve got REALLY long nails, and usually aren’t afraid to use them!)
And . . . that was the episode in a nutshell. Can you believe next week is ALREADY the Season Finale? It seems like only yesterday, that I was using this picture . . .
. . . and this picture . . .
. . . for the first time.
See you next week!