Well, Serena. The bad news is that you’ve been framed from a drug overdose you didn’t cause, and made to look like a Total F*&k Up, in front of all of “Manhattan’s Elite.” The good news is you look ADORABLE in your News Snapshot.
Those of you who have read my Gossip Girl recaps before, know that I have a
HUGE Major Mondo Intense Mildly Annoying slight bias for the wonderous, made-to-be-together, TV Couple that is CHAIR . . .
Given that bias, you can probably imagine that this GG installment, which was most definitely Chair light, and “Serena and Parents” heavy, does not rank as one of my favorites, for this season. And yet . . . there were a few things that definitely endeared this episode to me. They included:
(1) The Raccoon Zombie’s banishment to a trash can far, far, away (possibly, for good, this time?)
“Not in MY trashcan, B$tch! You get your own!”
2) Snoozenessa, upon being discovered for the massive FRAUD she is, crying wee, wee, wee, wee, ALL THE WAY BACK TO BROOKLYN, where she belongs . . .
3) Blair’s and Dan’s discovery that Serena is actually NOT quite the Hot Mess that Juliet and the Triumverate of Evil made her out to be. In fact, by the end of this episode, MOST of the “Non Judging Breakfast Club” is “non-judging,” once again. *glares and points accusatorily at a Still VERY Judgy Nate*
“Hey, don’t blame, ME! I’m still mad about that time Serena almost gave me a venereal disease! Oh . . . wait . . . you mean that wasn’t real either?”
4) Despite the show’s writers TRYING desperately to prove otherwise, it is still VERY obvious to most of us fans that Chuck and Blair have NOT, I repeat NOT, lost “That Loving Feeling.”
Dear CB Sex:
We miss you! We’ll see you real SOON!
But enough of that. Let’s get on with the recap, shall we?
“HELP! I’ve fallen off the wagon, and I CAN’T GET UP!”
“Ugh! These sheets are DEFINITELY less than 400-thread count. WTF!”
When we last left Poor Serena, she was rufied, tossed in a cab by the EEEVVVIL Psycho Stalker Juliet, and shipped off to a cheap motel in Queens. It is there that Serena wakes up in the opening scenes of this episode — wasted and reeking of booze, with a stomach filled with pills, and a nose raw from possible inhalation of The White Stuff. In other words, she’s going through exactly what I am forced to endure every Sunday morning. JUST KIDDING! 🙂
Blitzed as she may be, Serena, fortunately, still has enough sense to pick up the phone, and dial 911 for help.
“I don’t know where I am or how I got here,” Serena cries, her voice hoarse and words slurred from intoxication.
Off camera, Serena’s call is presumably traced by the Good Folks over at 911. She is then picked up by ambulance, and carted off to a nearby hospital.
All of this goes down completely unbeknownst to the rest of the GG cast, who are still pissed as hell at Serena for all the crap they THINK she pulled during last week’s episode (i.e. kissing BOTH Dan and Nate, very publicly exposing Chuck’s and Blair’s relationship, applying for a job Blair wanted, and dropping out of Columbia, via text message). The rest of the Upper East Siders would much prefer to completely forget about Serena, and gorge themselves on turkey, pie, and expensive Thanksgiving wine.
As for Blair, she plans to spend Turkey Day in Paris, with her adorable gay dad, and his adorable gay boyfriend (remember them?).
Ahh . . . memories.
(By the way, did anyone else ever wonder why Blair spent the WHOLE SUMMER in Paris, and never once mentioned visiting her dad? Or, did I miss something . . .)
Knowing full well, that Blair’s impromptu vacation was nothing more than Queen B’s way of running away from her Chuck and Serena Problems, Dorota has other plans for her Boss / Surrogate Daughter.
Dorota = TOTAL Chair fan. No wonder I love her so much!
Appealing to Blair’s sense of decorum and tradition, Dorota bakes a pie for the van der Woodsen’s and subtly suggests that Blair bring it to their home, in lieu of attending their Thanksgiving dinner, as she has every Thanksgiving, since Season 1 of Gossip Girl (at least, I think). So, of course, when Blair arrives at La Casa de VDW cake in hand, who’s there, but Chuck Bass, himself!
The sexual tension / romantic chemistry between Chuck and Blair is palpable (as always) — so much so, that Chuck gallantly offers to leave La Casa de VDW, so that Blair can pretend to eat turkey in peace. Blair declines the offer, however, assuring Chuck that it is important that they get used to running into one another now, as it is bound to happen at least once an episode. (At least, we can HOPE!)
This Barely Concealed Chair Lovefest is interrupted, by the entrance of Mama VDW, who, quite honestly, seems annoyed by the presence of Serena’s friends in her home.
“Here, I am — one of the richest women in Manhattan, and I don’t have ANY friends my age, aside from Rufus Doofus. My life officially sucks! Bring back Billy Baldwin, please.”
Things get increasingly more intense when Blair asks to see Serena, and Lily has no clue where she is (Mother of the Year — that one!). As it turns out, Lily thought Serena was with with Blair . . .or Chuck . . . or maybe the Dalai Lama, who can keep track, anymore? Now that she knows her daughter is not with any of the aforementioned people, Lily FINALLY starts to worry about her daughter’s safety.
Cue the phone call to the VDW household, announcing that Serena is in the hospital, suffering from a possible drug overdose. Calls are made to the entire GG cast (except for Nate, who, unfortunately, got stuck with the Bad B Plotline, this week). Everyone else rushes to the hospital to be with Serena.
“They tried to make me go to Rehab, and I said, NO! NO! NO!”
At the hospital, the doctor informs the VDW clan that Serena’s condition is stable. However, she was on some serious anti-depressants when she came to the hospital, and may very well have tried to commit suicide. Conveniently, at that very moment, Breaking News on the television screen above the cast’s heads announces Serena’s “Tragic OD” to THE WORLD. Knowing that the family can’t stay at the hospital, or go home, without being hounded by the media, the doctor “kindly” suggests having Serena involuntarily admitted to the same Rehab Center where little Eric got un-suicidal himself, during Season 1.
“You mean, back when I had an actual plotline to MYSELF? Ahhh . . . memories!”
Quick to think the worst of Serena, most of the family is totally on board with having Serena committed, except for Dan who still luuuuuuuuuuuuves her, even after she purportedly screwed him over, by macking on his studmuffin Nate, at the Saint’s and Sinner’s Ball, last week.
“Hey. I’ve heard about those rehab places. There are NO CONJUGAL VISITS! If Serena gets admitted there, I’ll NEVER get laid! EVER!
Except, maybe by Vanessa. But we all know she doesn’t count.“
And yet, despite Dan’s protests, a very pissed off Serena is admitted into rehab against her will. So, Unlikely Superhero Dan comes to Serena’s rescue, by helping her make a JAILBREAK!
The only problem is that Dan is not smart enough to come up with a good hiding place for Serena. So, of course, he takes her to the FIRST place everyone will think to look for them — HIS APARTMENT. *facepalm* Granted, Dan claimed they were “just packing for a vacation there,” but, seriously, THESE TWO ARE RICH! It’s not like Good Ole’ “Bonnie and Clyde” here couldn’t afford to stop at the mall, en route, and pick up clothes there!
Fortunately, for Dan, Serena’s not quite bright enough to see this for the DUMB idea it is. So, she awards Dan for his bravery, with a quick smooch . . .
She also admits to Not-So-LonelyBoy, that he was, in fact, the one Serena was GOING to choose to be with at the Saints and Sinner’s ball (NOT NATE?), had the Triumverate of Evil not gone and royally f*cked things up.
Meanwhile . . .
Rats and Raccoon Zombies Invade Manhattan – Pest Control is on standby!
When Rufus Doofus calls his Rodent Daughter to inform her of Serena’s hospitalization, the wench FINALLY sprouts a conscience. So, Little J immediatley heads back to the city, to tell Juliet that the Triumverate of Evil MUST come clean about their recent dastardly deeds. Juliet balks at the idea, arguing that Serena might actually REALLY NEED REHAB. So, why put a stop to a good thing? The same lame excuse is trotted out to Vanessa, when she confronts Juliet about what happened to Serena.
By the time Jenny arrives at the hospital, Vanessa has already ratted HER, and HER ALONE, out to Rufus the Doofus, conveniently leaving her own part in the revenge plot out of the tale, as well as Juliet’s. And, while it is always great to see Jenny get chewed out by her dad, of course, this particular chewing out INTERRUPTED Chuck’s and Blair’s sweet moment together at the hospital, and, therefore, ROYALLY SUCKED!
It’s ALWAYS Jenny’s FAULT! Damn Raccoon Zombie!
Blair was just about to tell Chuck how great it was to have his support during all this Serena Drama, and how, maybe, nothing needs to change between them after all . . .
More Sex, More Sex, More Sex! . . . when The Pestilence arrives and RUINS EVERYTHING!
Outside the hospital, Rufus chews out Jenny for being such a Freakish Brat. Little J then tearfully promises to leave Manhattan for the 85,000th time. (She just seems to keep returning . . . like weeds, or roaches, or a bad rash . . .) However, for now at least, Jenny really does plan to leave the City for good. She just has to make one quick pitstop first . . .
Back at Dan’s Place . . .
Puff the Magic Dragon, lived up Serena’s nose
Due to their Lame Hiding Spot, Ma and Pa VDW-Humphrey, along with Blair, find the “happy couple” at Dan’s apartment, before Dan even has time to cop a feel at Serena’s boobies. While Dan (rightfully) calls Lily out on what a crap mother she has been to Serena, all these years (Did I forget to mention that Lily is paying off Serena’s enemy, Juliet, MONTHLY to keep her quiet about Serena’s supposed past?) Blair goes to talk to the Hot Mess herself, and try to convince her to go back to rehab.
At that moment, a GG blast conveniently produces obviously doctored pictures of a masked Serena-looking person snorting enough White Stuff to build a snowman in her nostrils. This was actually a pretty brilliant move on EEEEVILL Juliet’s part. Because, now Serena (LIKE EVERYONE ELSE EXCEPT DAN), becomes convinced that she’s actually a drug addict! And, so, back to Rehab the VDWa go, to celebrate a Very Van Der Woodsen Thanksgiving together . . . along with the rest of the obscenely wealthy alcoholics and drug addicts . . .
Speaking of cokeheads . . .
Nate’s Mom and Dad are . . .zzzzzzzzz
Nate is hanging out with his Secret Lover Dan, when he learns, thanks to some mis-delivered legal documents, that his mother has randomly decided to divorce his coked up, embezzler father, who’s still in jail. Nate, who’s naive enough to think his dad is reformed, convinces his mother that Daddy-O has CHANGED. He’s a GOOD PERSON NOW. So, she should stay married to him! (How many times have we heard THAT ONE before?)
Nate’s overly botoxed Mama, is incapable of making any other expression, aside from “mildly surprised,” when she hears this. Realizing that her inability to smile or open her mouth particularly wide, will make it difficult for her to land a new Meal Ticket Husband, Mama Archibald decides to give Papa Archibald another chance.
So, Mother and Son visit Papa in jail, and quickly decide to give him another chance. Then, of course, as Nate is leaving the jail, he learns that his Daddy is up for parole. In other words, this whole “Papa’s Reformed Thing” is probably a Big Ole Crock a Sh*t. Now, Daddy-O seems a whole lot less concerned with “changing for the better,” and more concerned with “putting on a good face for the Parole Board,” so he can earn his “Get Out of Jail Free Card.”
Go figure . . .
Also visiting jail on Turkey Day . . .
Juliet Proves Herself to Be Even Crazier Than Her Jailbird Brother!
While Nate is chatting up his Pops, Juliet shows up at jail, clad in an outfit so WHOLLY INAPPROPRIATE for the occasion, that I’m half convinced she’s been arrested for prostitution.
Unfortunately, she’s just there to visit Crazy Brother Ben . . . again. When Juliet tells her Looney Tunes Brother how she made all of Serena’s friends hate her, and got her, more or less, kicked out of Columbia, the guy is absolutely thrilled!
However, when Ben finds out that Juliet had Serena drugged, he’s morally APPALLED! This . . . coming from the same guy who had Nate’s dad beat up, convinced Juliet to try to get their own cousin fired from Columbia on sexual abuse charges, and was willing to ruin the lives of the ENTIRE GG cast, just to get to Serena. Oh yeah . . . these two (Ben and Serena) DEFINITELY did the nasty together, at some point! There’s no other possible explanation for this sudden moral outrage, on Ben’s part.
Juliet agrees with me, and starts calling Crazy Brother Ben out on his hypocrisy, reminding him all that she has given up on his behalf. Juliet then skips town, cleaning out her fleabag apartment, in a flash. By the time Jenny arrives to confront Juliet at her place, all that is left is that darn party mask, from the Saint’s and Sinner’s Ball.
(I find it VERY hard to believe that someone as savvy as Juliet, would be dumb enough to leave such an obvious clue of her wrongdoing behind.)
“We’ll always have pie!”
Riding home from the whole Serena Ordeal in a limo with Chuck (YAY LIMO – SEX, SEX, SEX!), Blair admits to how comfortable being with him makes her. She is so comfortable, in fact, that she is beginning to regret breaking up with him in the first place. As Blair admits this to Chuck, she sweetly clasps his hand.
But then Chuck tells Blair that she was RIGHT to break up with him. He LETS GO OF HER HAND!
“I can’t be your friend right now. I wish I could,” says Chuck, sadly.
“I know, and I’m sorry,” Blair offers.
“I’m not. Because I got to spend more time with you today,” admits Chuck.
Back at home, Blair encounters Jenny, who promptly comes clean to her about the whole Triumverate of Evil, Serena Revenge Plot thing. And I’ll be darned if the two don’t share an oddly sweet moment together! When Blair asks for Jenny’s help in bringing down Juliet, Jenny declines, assuring Blair that the Queen B was right in banishing her from Manhattan, in the first place!
Blair even seems to suggest that she will miss Jenny, when she’s gone!
That makes one of us!
When Jenny leaves, Blair immediately picks up her cell phone. She is about to dial Chuck, her go-to
lover partner-in-crime, when it comes to getting revenge on Bottle Blondes. However, Blair ultimately decides against making that call. She does, however, send Chuck some pie. ( And We all know how much CHUCK LOVES BLAIR’S PIE!). The pie for Chuck comes with a little note: “Just because we couldn’t be friends, doesn’t mean we aren’t – B.”
Chuck smiles at the note, and so do we, knowing full well, that it will NEVER truly be over between, Soul Mates, Chuck and Blair. So, take that, haters! (Just kidding, I love you all!) 🙂
Meanwhile, Jenny texts Vanessa about having come clean to Blair about the Revenge Plot from Hell. A VERY SCARED Vanessa immediately pees her pants at the thought of Blair’s Inevitable Wrath. V-card then ends up escaping to Brooklyn, like the Big Weeny she is!
*Sings* Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na, hey, hey, hey, GOODBYE!
At the end of the episode, Blair seeks out a new partner-in-crime for her Get Revenge Against Juliet for Serena plot . . . DAN?
“Don’t worry. I’m just as confused by it as you are.”
Based on the promos we were treated to at the end of this episode, next week’s GG installment promises more fun plotting and scheming from the Non-Judging Breakfast Club, as well as the return of one of my FAVORITE GG guest stars of yesteryear . . . DRUG DEALING DAMIEN!
Can I get a “HELL YEAH?”