Last year’s Sectionals brought our Glee kids together, in a really big way, by forcing them to pull an ENTIRE set list out of their collective butts, in the last few seconds before showtime. (If you recall, during that episode, New Directions’ original set list had been stolen by both of their competitors, thanks to one, very naughty, Sue Sylvester.) This year, however, that same competition seemed to drive a wedge between our Glee kids, the likes of which we haven’t seen before . . .
It seemed as though Kurt’s absence from McKinley High and the Glee club had cast a dark pall over all of our characters, as well as over the episode, in general. It was enough to make me wish that SOMEONE would stick a “warbler” up Karofsky’s ASS, so Kurt could come back to New Directions where he BELONGS, and things could go back to normal again . . .
To save Glee, this brave warbler is willing to BOLDLY go where no bird has gone before . . .
Pucker up those cheeks, Karofsky . . . and not the ones you used to kiss Kurt, either!
And yet, amidst all that darkness were some seriously sweet scenes between new couples (Artie and Brittany / Sam and Quinn), best frenemies (Kurt and Rachel), and prospective future couples (?) (Blurt and Puckleberry). Let’s recap, shall we?
“I feel like punching you, everytime you open your mouth.”
Woah, Quinn! Why don’t you tell us how you REALLY feel?
When Emma nervously suggested to Mr. Schuester, during the episode’s opening, that he too often relied on Finn, Rachel and Mercedes during New Directions’ public performances, at the expense of the rest of the Glee club, even the biggest Finchel fans out there had to admit the woman had a point. Lately, the Rachel/Finn Opening Ballad, and Mercedes Song-Ending Beltfest have become almost as common in Glee episodes as mash-ups, show-tunes, and Journey songs . . .
Here they go again . . . and again . . . and again . . .
However, when Will announced to the club that the solos typically performed by Finn, Rachel, and Mercedes would go to Sam, Quinn, and Santana, during this year’s Sectionals (with a little Mike and Brittany dance number thrown in for good measure), Finn whined like a little b*tch, and Rachel carried on, as though she had just been stabbed by her best friends in front of the Capitol Building, a la Julius Caesar . . .
*insert tragic Death Music here*
Rachel’s Lament seriously offends those Glee kids who actually HAVE been given solos, for once. And yet, no one is MORE offended than Santana, who chooses this precise moment to drop the bomb on Rachel regarding her illicit lovefest with Finn, during Season 1. “But we were ON A BREAK!” You can almost hear Finn argue in his head, though, at the time, he actually says very little in his own defense.
For what it’s worth, Finn. Ross Geller from Friends feels your pain.
Later, at “couples counseling,” Emma (riiiiiiight, because, clearly, Emma is a Relationship Expert) suggests Finn and Rachel sing Eagles songs to one another to work out their problems. However, Rachel would much prefer slapping Finn in the face. (What’s with all the violence this week, Glee ladies Make LOVE, not WAR!) And so, Emma suggests that Rachel “storm out” instead, thereby accomplishing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!
“I never advocate Face Slapping amongst students. Faces, especially Teenage Boy faces, tend to be extremely germy and capable of spreading pestilence. Just thinking about it makes me want to wash my hands 35 times.”
“Just Be Yourself” (Unless “yourself” is at all different from the rest of us, in which case . . . DON’T)
If Kurt had sent a “canary” in before him, to test the environment at Dalton Academy, that sweet little yellow song bird would have suffocated, moments after breathing the same air as those stuffy Warblers . . . Last week, like Kurt, most of us assumed that the reason there is NO bullying at Dalton, is because of its “general atmosphere of acceptance,” and its “No Tolerance” policy for any form of violence. This week, however, we learned that the actual reason Dalton is Bully Free, is that being a “Bully” requires a level of individuality and personality (albeit a BAD personality), which the stuffy Dalton-ites simply don’t possess.
“This place sucks ASS! Once I get Blaine to swipe my V-card, I am SO out of here!”
Although the Dalton Academy Warblers initially seem to welcome new student, Kurt, into their ranks with open arms, when the teen has the GALL to offer some of his ideas for a Sectionals song list, the boys all start looking at him, as though he murdered all their family members, and ate them, one by one.
So, when Kurt is given the opportunity to audition for a solo, he recognizes immediately, that he is going to need a lot of help, if he wants a shot at getting the part. And so, he turns to the World’s Most Unlikely Ally EVER!
Though initially reluctant to help out her “competition,” Rachel ultimately relents, providing Kurt with what seems like the perfect song for him to use during the audition: namely, “Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina” from the musical, Evita. At the audition, Kurt really seems to knock the song out of the park — though a concerned Blaine, continually motions for him to stop waving his arms, and using dramatic gestures, while he sings.
When Kurt loses the part, Blaine accuses him of “trying too hard.” Apparently, at Dalton Academy, when you want to “fit in,” you also have to “blend in.” And, as we know, “blending” is not exactly Kurt’s strong suit . . .
One Magic Comb to Rule them All
Thanks, Gleeky Tumblr!
I’ll be the first to admit that I was TOTALLY skeptical of the idea of a Brittany / Artie coupling, when the idea was first introduced a few episodes back. I thought to myself, “How could these two POSSIBLY have any chemistry, with one another?”
BOY, WAS I WRONG! This week, Artie and Brittany may have even surpassed Quinn and Puck, as my favorite Glee couple . . .
Don’t worry, Puckster! I still love YOU the most!
It all started when Artie found a terrified Brittany in the lounge, completely freaking out over her Sectionals dancing solo, with Mike Chang. Though confident in her dancing abilities, Brittany worries about having the entire team’s hopes and dreams about winning Sectionals resting on her small shoulders. Fortunately, Artie has an idea . . .
He tells Brittany that he owns a Magic Comb, and that, if she brushes her hair with it, they are GUARANTEED to win Sectionals. “You are the best boyfriend ever,” says a very excited Brittany, before treating Artie to a chaste hug and lip smooch.
But then Mike and Brittany start spending a heck of a lot of time together, practicing their dance for Sectionals. A jealous Tina begins planting doubts in Artie’s head, arguing that Mike has a thing for cheerleaders, and has started to smell like Lipsmackers (which, apparently, Brittany wears
and Tina would know this, because she makes out with Brittany all the time) Therefore, Mike and Brittany MUST be screwing . . .
Artie tries to deny to himself that his new girlfriend would ever cheat on him. But when Brittany starts acting really coldly to Artie, and ditching him to hang out with Mike, Artie can’t help but wonder whether what Tina is saying is true. Then, shortly before Sectionals, Artie accuses Brittany of adultery and she . . . admits to it.
Except, Brittany never actually CHEATED with Mike.
She just lost Artie’s Magic Comb! You see, Brittany confused “adultery” with “being a dolt,” and assumed that Artie was just mad at her, about losing the comb! But, as it turns out, the Magic Comb wasn’t really magic! (SURPRISE!) It was just something Artie found on the floor, and used to make Brittany not nervous anymore. “YOU are magic,” Artie tells Brittany, before treating her to a FIERCE little tongue kiss.
And they all live Happily Ever After . . . well . . . at least these two do . . . (and I guess Tina and Mike do too). But I can’t really say the same for everybody else . . .
“You stuffed Puck in a Port-a-Potty! You Bastards!”
If it weren’t for the whole “being stuck in a STINKY Port-a-Potty for 24-hours” thing, Puck would have had the best episode EVER! After all, he acted heroically, not once, but TWICE, during the hour. First, Puck REFUSED to screw Rachel, to help her get revenge on Finn for sleeping with Santana, even though he seemed to REALLY want to make sweet, sweet Puckleberry Love to the girl . . . even going as far as to admit out loud that he “kind of liked” her. Way to have self-control, Puckster!
Second, Puck LITERALLY took one for the team, this week, when Schue told him to find a new Glee club member to stand in Kurt’s place for Sectionals. Puck approached his football team first, in the Men’s Locker Room, about the opportunity, but got shoved in the stinky potty, as a result.
Kiss ME, PUCKSTER!
(Ummm, where were Finn, Sam and Mike, during this ordeal, may I ask? Aren’t they on the team too?)
Rotting away in Stinkville, Puck begins to worry that all hope is lost, until Wrestler Lauren Zizes comes to his rescue. So, Puck asks HER to go to Sectionals with him.
Lauren agrees, provided that Puck “makes out” with her. And guess what? Lauren ROCKS PUCKS WORLD!
She also, despite thinking that show choir is “lame,” happens to be a pretty good singer. So, when you think about it, Puck’s puckery lips really saved Sectionals!
Honeymoon in Vegas
“Don’t hate me Wemma Fans! I swear I didn’t mean it!”
Remember last year’s Sectionals when Emma had randomly rushed into marrying Ken Tanaka? (Ken ended up calling off the wedding, because she was so clearly in love with Will.) Well, it looks like the woman is at it again! (Maybe it’s an “OCD Thing.”) First, we learn that Dr. Carl won’t let Emma go to Sectionals with Will, because the last time the two of them hung out, they did this . . .
Then, Emma admits to Will, that, instead of going to Sectionals, she and Carl GOT MARRIED IN VEGAS!
(Now, I hate to be a cynical about this . . . but I’m kind of thinking that this happened so quickly, only because
Uncle Jesse Carl convinced himself that Emma was a “wait until marriage” kind of virgin, instead of a “just haven’t gotten around to it yet,” virgin. And, having dated Emma for quite a few episodes now, the dude just REALLY NEEDED TO GET LAID.)
Although, Will tries to politely congratulate Emma on her nuptials, you can tell he’s pretty torn up about the whole thing . . .
Awww, don’t worry, Mr. Schue! We all know it won’t last!
John Stamos is only guest starring for a few more episodes!
It’s Sectionals, Baby!
At Sectionals, the first performance comes from a group of aging GED candidates called the Hipsters. They sing Mike and the Mechanics’ “In the Living Years.” It’s a decent performance, but, given that none of the Hipsters appears to be under the age of 70, the song choice seems a bit morbid, if you catch my drift. They end up coming in Third Place . . .
“Dammit! I knew we should have sang, MC Hammer’s ‘U Can’t Touch This,’ instead!”
Before Kurt goes on to sing with the Warblers, he and Rachel share a sweet moment, during which they admit they believed one another to be their only true competition at McKinley, and admit how much they miss one another, now that they aren’t going to the same school.
Perhaps, because of this shared moment, while the Warblers, led by Blaine, sing Train’s “Soul Sister” . . .
. . . a supportive Rachel reminds a very uncomfortable-looking Kurt to SMILE!
Thanks hiyoritic tumblr!
(By the way, did anyone else love how Blaine condescendingly told Kurt how important it was to “blend in” to the Warblers, and not show-off, when the during Sectionals, showing off and standing out were precisely what Blaine appeared to be doing? Just sayin . . .)
After the competition, Blaine assures a nervous Kurt, that he and his new bird (All the Warblers, apparently, have to care for REAL warblers, during their time on the team), are just “changing their feathers,” and will end up fitting into Dalton just fine.
Admittedly, it was a nice moment for the pair. But, am I the only one hoping Blaine will be WRONG? I don’t want Kurt to “change his feathers.” His “New Directions feathers” suited him just fine, in my opinion.
Speaking of New Directions, they are up next . . .
Our Glee kids open with Dirty Dancing‘s “I’ve Had the Time of My Life,” with Sam and Quinn taking on the Eye-F*&cking on Stage while Singing roles, typically reserved for Finn and Rachel. Next up is Santana, who performs a rousing rendition of Amy Winehouse’s “Valerie” . . .
. . . while Mike and Brittany dance, and throw one another around a bit . . .
When it comes time to announce the winner of Sectionals . . . SURPRISE . . . it’s BOTH the Warblers AND New Directions. As it turns out, they will BOTH be performing at Regionals against Vocal Adrenaline!
It’s a pretty jubilant moment . . . until Rachel ruins it, by admitting to Finn that she tried to sleep with Puck, to get back at him for screwing Santana . . .
They break up over this. And it’s kind of depressing . . .
But, just in case things were getting too sad for you, the episode ends with Mercedes and Tina singing Florence and the Machine’s “Dog Days are Over.” And we get to watch the Glee kids run around the stage like lunatics, during it . . .
But, I think my favorite part of the whole number, was when Rachel made this face . . .
(Don’t worry, Rachel! You keep making faces like that, and Finn will come crawling back to you, in no time. It’s a well known fact that no teenage boy can resist a good “O Face” . . .)
And, just in case that O Face wasn’t enough to put a smile back on your face, next week it’s CHRISTMAS! (Well . . . not really . . . but at least on Glee, it will be!)