WARNING: Sleep Deprivation and lots of pot can make you do TERRIBLE things, like wear an unflattering robe on your first date, and dance VERY badly to songs by Ke$ha . . .
Who said Gossip Girl couldn’t make you a better person? I mean, just think about all the life lessons we learned from this week’s episode of Gossip Girl! Here are just some of them: (1) Get a good night sleep . . .
(2) Don’t do drugs (unless, they are provided by Chuck Bass).
(3) In life, sometimes, it is important to stop and smell the roses . . . or . . . the tulips . . . to see if they contain coke.
(4) Other times, it is MORE important to smell YOURSELF. (Personal hygiene is VERY important, PEOPLE!)
(5) Friends are SUPER important. (Even those sort of dorky friends, who you don’t like to admit are your actual friends, but they totally ARE!)
(6) Oh, and above all? Never, EVER, be ANYTHING like . . . HER!
Any questions?
Now, that we’ve gotten all those pesky “morals” out of the way, let’s get on with the recap. Shall we?
Eric’s Turning Legal (and Serena Plays Scrabble?!) – ALERT THE MEDIA!
When the episode opens, Serena an Ben are sharing breakfast in Brooklyn. Currently, they are engaging in a fascinating conversation about whether the toast they are eating is sufficiently “toasty.” (I wish I was making this up. But I’m not.) Enter, a very pissy looking Dan . . .
Apparently, this “toasty” couple kept Dan up all night, with their . . . playing Scrabble. (I wish that was a euphemism for something more exciting. It’s not.)
Dan expresses some surprise that Serena suddenly knows how to read enjoys playing Scrabble. But, really, he should not be so surprised. After all, Serena is one of those girls who pretends to like EVERYTHING her Boyfriend of the Month likes. For example, when Serena dated Dan, she pretended to like flannel shirts, emo music, old movies, and raccoon zombies named Little J . . .
Much like the rest of us, Dan gets tired of watching Serena and Ben pretend to be a Hot Couple, and leaves.
Once Dan is out of the picture, Serena flutters her eyelashes, and begs Boring Boyfriend Ben to attend her brother’s 18th Birthday Party, despite the fact that it’s being thrown by the woman who was solely responsible for him spending two years in the pokey for a pedophillic crime he didn’t commit even though he REALLY, REALLY wanted to.
Ben refuses to go to the party, which makes his new girlfriend “very disappointed in him.” In fact, Serena is more disappointed in Ben now, than she was, back when he hired his sister to try to ruin her life, and ended up almost killing her. It’s always nice to know that people on this show have their priorities straight . . .
Speaking of ruined lives, and messed up priorities, Eric, a.k.a. Mini vDW, has been pretending to be sick with the flu, so that he can skip his own Barely Legal Birthday Bash, and instead, act as Drug Dealing Damien’s Coke Mule. (I think I saw a movie like this once . . .). But, of course, Serena catches Mini vDW in the act, and is, you guessed it, “very disappointed in him.”
Eric explains to Serena how Drug Dealing Damien is blackmailing Eric to deliver kilos of coke, hidden inside pink tulips, or else he will release information, regarding how Lily committed perjury to get Ben thrown in jail all those years ago. In response, Serena tells him that “she will take care of it.” This way, Eric can enjoy his Big Stinkin’ Rich, but Still Incredibly Lame, Birthday Party, without the fear of having to spent his first few “legal” years behind bars. (Golly gee, I wish MY siblings would deal drugs and commit felonies for ME!)
“You know, now that I think about it, this is exactly what I did on MY 18th birthday except I carried all the coke in my ginormous bra! Ahhhh . . . memories!”
Speaking of folks who could use a good snort of coke . . .
Blair Needs Dan’s Help – ALERT THE MEDIA!
Poor Broken-hearted Blair! Like the rest of us, she remembers that fateful (*sniffle, sniffle*) speech she made to Chuck a few episodes back, in which she told him that she needed to be successful in her own right, before she could be “Chuck Bass’ Girlfriend.” So, of course, Blair is trying to become “successful in her own right” as quickly as humanly possible. This way, she can stop going to the damn movies all the time, and START having mindblowing sex in limosines, AGAIN!
The problem, of course, is that there aren’t enough hours in the day for Blair to be a full-time student, RUN W Magazine (HAHA!), annoy all the women on the Forbes list, and help Serena with her Problem of the Week. Oh, did I mention that all her interns QUIT?
So, Blair has been foregoing sleep, and has hired her minions to do her coursework / errands for her . . .
She is also letting Dorota DRESS HER. No wonder Blair ended up wearing a French Maid Halloween Costume to work, yesterday!
When a SUPER SELFISH SERENA comes barging into Blair’s office, demanding that the latter help her come up with a scheme to bring down Drug Dealing Damien (Seriously? Is Serena not the WORST, MOST SELFISH, FRIEND EVER? Did she NOT watch what happened to Blair, during last week’s episode? Has she NO HEART?). Blair is forced to beg for help from the very last person she wanted to ask . . . THIS GUY.
Dan agrees to help relieve Blair of some of the tremendous burden she is under, provided she admit that he is “a friend” of hers, and not a “minion or underling.” Blair’s EXTREMELY reluctant, mumbled admittance of this fact, was probably the funniest part of the episode for me.
(By the way, kudos to the GG makeup department, for successfully making Blair look bleary-eyed, frazzled, and unrested, yet still TOTALLY fabulous, this week.)
Speaking of Dan, has anybody else started to wonder if he EVER attends classes, downtown, at NYU? Because, lately, it seems like the guy spends ALL his time (1) hanging around the W offices, where he is NO LONGER EMPLOYED; and (2) following Blair and/or Serena around the Upper East Side, like a little lost puppy dog. Just sayin’.
Usually a champ at bossing around others, Blair fails to properly direct Dan in how to best serve her. And so, the poor guy ends up taking on the Drug Mule Duties Blair had originally assigned Minion Penelope. Oops! As if that wasn’t bad enough, she told Dan to pick up the WRONG COLOR tulips. As a result, the ones Dan ended up bringing to Eric’s party, though very pretty (Purple is my favorite color!), were disappointingly DRUG FREE . . .
(By the way, I loved how, when the miscolored tulips arrived, the SUPPOSELY non-druggie Eric tested whether they were the right tulips, by SNORTING THEM ALL!)
We are SO on to YOU, Mini vDW! Get thee to rehab! GO!
Other things Blair screwed up this week include:
(1) Dictating the WRONG test information to her minion;
(2) Mixing up Eric’s birthday gift, with a gift she bought for her mother; and WORST OF ALL . . .
(3) wearing two MISMATCHED shoes to Eric’s party (They were both REALLY ugly too) where . . .surprise, surprise . . . she was trying to impress some random Special Guest Star influential business figure . . .
Hey Blair, you know what I hear is a really great substitute for sleep, in terms of invigorating the mind, and preventing mishaps like this? LIMO SEX . . .
Speaking of Chuck Bass 😉 . . .
Please LORD let this Boring Ass Corporate Takedown Story BE OVER!
We open with Chuck “hiring” Nate as his “wingman” to keep Raina occupied / try to win her back for him, while the Big Bass tried to take down his Girlfriend of the Minute’s daddy, once and for all . . .
Now, normally, I’d say that having your INSANELY HOT best friend babysit your ex-girlfriend for you is a TERRIBLE IDEA. However, since I (1) DESPISE Chuck and Raina as a couple; (2) NEED Chuck to be single again for OBVIOUS reasons (*cough Chair cough*); (3) and actually don’t mind Raina and Nate as a prospective couple (more on THEM later), I say BRING IT ON!
“Pretend to be ‘in love’ with Random Guest Stars all you want. But I saw next week’s promos. And by this time next week, you will absolutely be chasing after ME again, Chuck Bass!”
Next up, we follow Chuck to a “Meeting” with Lily. During this “Meeting,” Chuck tries to apologize to Lily for getting her fired from Bass Industries, last week. Lily says she doesn’t forgive him.
Chuck then accuses Lily of wanting to pork Russell Thorpe, despite being married to Rufus (just like she porked Rufus, back when she was married to Chuck’s dad). Upon being more or less called a hobag by her adopted son, Lily bitchslaps Chuck. It’s kind of awesome.
Serves you right for putting me through all this Raina Sh*t, lately!
Then, the camera pans back to THIS image. And I am suddenly starting to wonder whether I am watching a really bad sitcom . . .
OMG! Thorpe heard everything from behind his carefully placed newspaper! – [Insert laughtrack here]
We then, of course, cut to this scene, which illustrates that the scene before it was a TOTAL act by Chuck and Lily, put on entirely for Thorpe’s benefit . . .
Chuck’s ridiculous facial expression here = the REASON screencaps were invented
Apparently, the grand plan is for Lily to go out on a Secret Date with Russell and pretend to want his hot bod . . .
Meanwhile, Chuck will use the key cards he got from Nate’s dad last week, to break into Russell’s office, and find evidence that will ultimately save his company from inevitable destruction.
(How convenient that Mr. Big Real Estate Tycoon’s office is never locked or guarded. I also like how underling employees / Ex-Cons with Known Drug Problems, like Nate’s dad, are, not only given keys to the CEO’s office, but also, apparently, the personal passwords to his laptop computer, and all Secret Files included therein. Donald Trump to Russell Thorpe: “YOU’RE FIRED . . . Moron!”)
“Oh look, there’s a file on here named: The Key to Chuck Bass Saving His Company. I wonder if it’s relevant.”
Earlier, I stated that the part of the episode where Blair asked Dan for help was the funniest moment in the hour. I lied. It was the second funniest. The FUNNIEST moment was when we got a look at Russell Thorpe’s e-mail and saw THIS . . .
COME ON, Gossip Girl! This Russell guy is planning a Super Secret, Possibly Illegal corporate takeover, and his ENTIRE inbox is filled with e-mails that are OBVIOUSLY related to said takeover. That’s just not realistic! I mean, at least throw some PORN in there, or something . . .
This dude is CLEARLY into some kinky sh*t!
In addition to lots of e-mails with his last name conveniently included in the subject line (and no porn), Chuck also finds THIS letter . . .
Apparently, Russell has been bargaining with “Mr. Kidd,” regarding the destruction of Bass Industries. Chuck figures out that Russell is just doing all this to get back at the Dead Bart Bass for boinking Lily, when HE wanted to bone her himself. (Yeah, because THAT’S a solid reason for a business decision! Between this, and his company’s lax security measures, I honestly don’t know how Thorpe makes any money at all!).
Since Bass Industries is worth more “alive” than “dead,” Chuck assumes that “Mr. Kidd” might be interested in this type of information. And, so, Chuck arranges to meet the man, awkwardly enough, at his stepbrother’s 18th Birthday Party. (Can you say CREEPY?) But before this meeting can happen, we have to endure this awkward and, let’s face it, ENTIRELY POINTLESS, scene, in which Rufus pretends to be MAD at Thorpe for stealing his honey bunny, Lily, away from him . . .
“Don’t even THINK about becoming van der Woodsen Husband Number 6, or I will CUT YOU!”
After this uselessness, Chuck finally gets to meet with Kidd, who, realizing Thorpe has been dishonest with him, agrees to hear Chuck out, and possibly cut some sort of a deal with him regarding Bass Industries . . .
“Hey, now that we’ve decided the fate of my company, what do you say we go out to the limo and have a three way slap around some Pinatas? I hear Lily’s so loaded that she put $100 bills inside, instead of candy.”
Meanwhile, over in the “D” storyline of this evening, Nate is keeping Raina busy, by inviting her to do things that she has never done before. Such “new and unusual” things, apparently, include WALKING . . .
“Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot . . . I think I got it! Gosh, when I was with Chuck I spent all my time f*&king LAYING DOWN! This is so EXCITING!”
. . . ice skating, getting cider spilled down her pants, ugly robe wearing, weed smoking . . .
. . . eating (gasp) ICE CREAM that wasn’t even personally prepared by pastry chefs . . .
. . . and, of course, playing Wii . . .
In fact, Raina enjoys all this “Poor Person Stuff” so much, that she decides to kick Chuck to the curb for good, in favor of the Nate-ster!
Raina is TOTALLY done with “Business in Bed!” She’d much prefer Sex on Soiled Couch with Nate to the tune of Ke$ha’s Tik Tok! (Judging by how UNSEXY her and Chuck’s sex scenes actually were, I can’t say I blame her. . . )
Of course, despite his earlier saying their relationship was “sacred,” news of Raina’s breakup via phone barely phases Chuck. In fact, his NON-reaction to this, is the first genuine thing we’ve seen his character do in about three episodes. What can I say? The heart wants what it wants. And, deep down, Chuck Bass’s heart knows that it wants THIS . . .
Oh, did I mention that Vanessa is back? (BOO!) Or that she is trying to return to her so-called rightful place in Dan Humphrey’s boxer shorts, despite almost killing his once-girlfriend / possible soulmate?
Don’t care? Neither does DAN! In fact, he TOTALLY blows Vanessa off, which is SPECTACULAR! Who knew Humpty Dumpty could be so Righteously Bad Ass? It’s about DAMN TIME!
In other news . . .
Mo Money, Mo Problems . . .
Meanwhile, Sad Birthday Boy, Eric has NO COKE TULIPS, and now owes Damien $100 grand! Though I DID feel bad for Eric (I’m not ENTIRELY heartless, after all) I’ll admit, I snorted, when Damien came to the party for the cash, and Eric wrote him a check for the full sum from his “Rhodes Trust Fund,” like it was no big deal . . .
Gotta love the Obnoxiously Rich!
Even better,was when Lily walked in on the exchange, learned that it was being done to save HER ass from incarceration, and wrote the check herself . . . get this . . . from her PERSONAL CHECKING ACCOUNT. Now, that’s just bad money management! Way to earn interest on your “G’s,” Lily!
After Drug Dealing Damien leaves the party, Boring Ben (who, this WHOLE TIME, has been telling Serena that she and Eric shouldn’t stick up for their mother, because she deserves to go to jail for doing what she did to him), surprises everyone by shaking down Damien for Lily’s check . . .
Ben does this, by basically threatening to hire some of his prison buddies to KILL Damien (quite possibly the same guys that he hired to BEAT UP NATE’S DAD, back when he was in the slammer). After peeing and pooping in his pants, Drug Dealing Damien hands a Significantly-Less-Boring-Now-Ben the check, and scampers away.
(Honestly, I can’t decide whether this scene makes Ben even creepier than he was before, or just more awesome).
Of course, as luck would have it,Vanessa is watching this exchange. And, even though (1) it’s a crowded city street; (2) she is standing about a half-a-mile AWAY; and (3) the guys are talking in hushed tones, she conveniently hears THE ENTIRE CONVERSATION . . .
UGHHHHH! WHY CAN’T YOU JUST GO AWAY, AND STAY AWAY FOR ONCE?!
Later, Vanessa tries to call Serena (who, I remind you, she almost got KILLED) to warn her that her boyfriend is quite possibly a Sadistic Psycho Killer. However, Serena is too busy porking the Sadistic Psycho Killer to notice that her phone is ringing . . . Oh well!
Toward the end of the episode, Drug Dealing Damien approaches Russell Thorpe, so that the two could take down the entire rest of the Gossip Girl cast together.
(So, Thorpe conspires with DRUG DEALERS, now? Who does he think he is, Lex Luthor? Apparently, when I said earlier that this Corporate Takeover Storyline was finally over, I spoke too soon . . . Zzzzzzzzzzzz)
HELP! Somebody Freaky Friday-ed Blair Waldorf!
Back in his Brooklyn apartment, Dan Humphrey greets a sleepy, Blair, who has ventured out of the Upper East Side (and WAY out of her comfort zone) to thank “Lonely Boy” for anonymously writing her W magazine blog entry, on her behalf. Of course, she ended up getting fired from the job anyway. But it was still a nice gesture!
“I lost my job. I failed a test. I almost got my best friend’s mother arrested. And I’m in Brooklyn, talking about it with Dan Humphrey. Someone must have Freaky Friday’ed me! This can’t be my life,” gripes Blair.
(Some fans are inclined to agree with her, on that one.)
Dan tries to comfort Blair, who’s had pretty much the WORST LUCK EVER, these past two episodes, with pizza (?) (Does Blair even eat carbs?) and . . . SURPRISE . . . more old movies! Not surprisingly, given the day they both have had, the two are asleep on the couch, within seconds of popping in the first film . . .
(WOW! Someone really likes pizza! Do you think that was a large pie?)
Next week on Gossip Girl, Dan tries to escalate his friendship with Blair to the next level. Meanwhile, Chuck, after having his head stuck up his ass for the past few episodes, FINALLY returns to true form, and works to win back the woman of his dreams. It’s the episode ALL OF US have been waiting for: Chair Fans versus Dair Fans! Let’s GET READY TO RUMBLE!
XOXO!
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TV Recappers Anonymous 
Loved the update as usual. I do with Nate would get with Raina for read though alas I doubt that will last for long or really even happen. I hate teasers sometimes they are so unreliable and misleading on purpose. I am kind of excited at what comes next. This weeks was a fair episode but there were glaring strangeness like you pointed out with the emails and such. Thanks for sharing. 🙂
Hi Rene! Based on the promos, it does look like you might get your Nate / Raina wish, at least for one more week. 🙂
I agree that promos can be misleading . . . and on this show, in particular. And yet, since this upcoming episode will be the last one before the hiatus, I’m inclined to think that “Empire of the Son” will be genuinely “action packed” on the love triangle / relationship front. Here’s hoping! 😉
Sorry I m going to ruin your funniest moment. Doesn’t it appear to you that Chuck was searching through the keyword Bass given all the bold BASS ? I did notice another fail by your screencaps though. Lily and Eric literally wrote their cheque to two different people. Haha
That being said, I love your recap as always!
LOL ella! I did notice that. But I still think the sheer number of “Bass” titled e-mails Thorpe had in his folder was hilarious. I mean, if I had a Potentially Law Breaking Secret Deal on my business books, you could BET I’d call it by a Code Name. 🙂
I DIDN’T notice the difference in the spelling on the checks to Damien! Good find! That’s awesome! You know, I purposely never included the guy’s last name in my recaps, because I couldn’t spell it at all! Is it Dalgaard or Daalgard? Either way, he will always be Drug Dealing Damien to me. And if I, ever, had to write a check to him, that’s probably what I would write in the “Pay to the Order of” line. 😉
The only reason why I’d ever want Dair to hook up is because I think the fireworks between Blair and Serena if either one hooks up with their endgame partner (Blair with Dan or Serena with Chuck) could be explosive. (I prefer Serenate like you, but I think Dan will be the final man standing sadly).
Otherwise, gag me with a Caratt at the thought of Dair 😉
You are absolutely right! All this talk about Chair versus Blair, and I didn’t even THINK about the Blairena CAT FIGHT that will inevitably result when this “kiss” happens. We haven’t seen one of THOSE in a long time! 😉 (Well . . . at least not since Blair threw Serena in the fountain in Paris, when she thought the latter stole her “prince” from her.)
Speaking of that “Prince,” I hear he’s making a comeback, and a play for Blair’s heart, post-hiatus. It looks like he will be third in line for that game ;).
hilarious as usual… did anyone else think it was so funny how when Eric found out he had to pay for the coke himself dan was like, “wait no one has that much money..” and then Serena is just like what show have you been watching that past 4 years??? As for the Dair /Chair next week…. I’ll be very happy when I get to see a jealous Chuck!
LOL, I do REMEMBER that, GoodcopBasscop! That was hysterical! 🙂
Sometimes I think the writers conveniently forget that Dan is part of the vdW family now. (Him and Serena are step siblings, just as much as she and Chuck are, if not more so.) Therefore, Dan’s got that kind of cash in his family too now. He just might be a bit too old to have his own “Rhodes Trust Fund.” 🙂
Ooh, a Jealous Chuck will be awesome! Did you see that look on his face when he saw Dan ask Blair to kiss him in the promo? Classic! I predict a bold romantic move on Chuck’s part to win back his soulmate. And I, for one, can’t wait! 🙂
That Blair and Dan scene about the “as a peer thing” was hilarious, Leighton is adorably funny actress, she really portrays Blair fantastically. IMO, I think Blair have feelings for Dan, I mean, probably grew in her for a while now,and now she’s in a denial mode, let’s face it- they seem harmless and cute. Dan is practically a gentleman, Listening to her non-romantic woes once in a while and helping her. I think, as the episodes progresses Blair would be embarrassed about how she felt for Dan, coz obviously, Blair is not a low maintance and we have plenty of evidences for that, but- she’s not a high school girl anymore. She may not even realized that she is attracted to him. (for now) Others simply flow from the conflict between her feelings about him and her reactions to having them, such as embarrassment or frustration at being attracted to him, particularly if he has certain personality quirks or behaviors that infuriate her.
While nate Comes with a large dose of family drama, a fair dose of stupidity and dashing manbangs who cheated on blair with blair’s bf and selfish in bed.
And chuck who takes 2 seasons to confess his love and whoring blair out for his uncle,and his demented love for raina. I think dan deserves a chance.
I,for one,is not a Dair or Chair fan-.I’m a Blair fan, and I hate when she’s unhappy so I really don’t mind her being happy for once since this season 4 started.
Well said, Blair Fan! Blair is undoubtedly the most likeable, interesting, and relatable character on Gossip Girl. For the most part, it has been her experiences, her heartache, her relationships (both platonic and romantic) that have driven this show for Four Seasons. To the extent that Gossip Girl is a successful television series, Leighton Meester carries much of that success on her small shoulders. In fact, I think that the fact that “Blair” shows some chemistry with ALL of the male leads on this show, is a testament more to Meester’s acting ability, than to the characters themselves, or even, arguably the show’s writing.
I also like your idea of wanting to see Blair happy. For what it’s worth, I can’t imagine an endgame where Blair doesn’t get her happy ending. GG fans are way too invested in Blair as a character for that to happen. Plus, she certainly deserves some happiness, after what she’s been through. For that reason, I don’t necessarily mind her having a platonic relationship with Dan, even one that has some attraction and lust beneath the surface. After all, Blair has been so hurt by the people she cares about that a non-sexual relationship with a “nice person” and “intellectual equal” is exactly what she needs right now.
In terms of endgame though, I stick by my belief that Chair is what will make Blair happiest in the long term. Sure it’s messy, and complicated. But the heart wants what it wants. And I believe that Blair’s heart wants Chuck — always has, and always will. I also believe that Chuck has what it takes to redeem himself as a character, and ultimately become the man that Blair needs him to be. 🙂
That being said, it will definitely be interesting to see how the rest of this season pans out. Thanks so much for sharing your insights with me. I really appreciate it. 🙂
OH Dear DAIR! I HOPE THE PREVIEW IS NOT MISLEADING,
COZ DAIR. IS THE NEW CHAIR. AND BLAIR WAS SMILING 🙂
that gives me butterflies.
anyway, i love your recap as always.MARRY ME?
lol, seriously- We do agree about that TROLLY VANESSA!
Awww, you are so sweet! I’m so glad you enjoyed my recap! 🙂 Lately when I recap, I’m always half-expecting Dair fans to spend me Hate Mail. *blushes* So, I am very pleased to see that at least one Awesome Dair Fan still likes me, despite my shipper preferences. 🙂
Trailers CAN be misleading on GG. But, since this is the last episode pre-hiatus, I really do think that BOTH Dair fans and Chair fans will get plenty of what they are seeking in “Empire of the Son.” It’s time for our two leading men to BATTLE for Queen B’s heart. Let the best Chuck . . . er . . . I mean “man” win. 😉
And, yes, you and I definitely agree about the TROLLY SUCKINESS that is Manessa. How is this lame chicky still on the show? What producer is she sleeping with? Because he (or she) and I need to have some serious words! 🙂
I guess when they wrote this they didn’t realize that Helena Bonham Carter Golden Globes mismatched shoes would make Blair’s look very subtle… for a while there I was staring at them and thinking they aren’t mismatched. =P I guess I was expecting it to be a different color or something LOL!
LOL, very good point, diplomaticwife! This undoubtedly means that Blair had not just ONE pair, but TWO pairs, of nearly identical, and — at least in my opinion — not at ALL attractive, SHOES.
They looked like bedazzled Pilgrim Shoes, or something one of the witches in The Wizard of Oz would wear. Maybe she was “sleep deprived” when she bought them. That would explain the discrepancy. Blair usually dresses so fabulously, after all! 🙂