“So, when you get to jail, Lily, definitely tell Bernie Madoff I said ‘Hi.’ He never did pay me back that money I lent him . . .”
Well, this was a rather adult episode of Gossip Girl, right? And no, unfortunately, I don’t mean that in a fun, NC-17 rating, kind of way. Instead, I’m talking about the fact that LITERALLY everybody and their MOTHER got their own storyline tonight. Heck, even BART BASS got thrown a bone from the Plotline Department . . . and he’s been dead for ALMOST TWO SEASONS!
. . . praying that my Estate gets royalties for this . . .
Let’s review, shall we?
Happy Days are Here Again?
After a few pretty dark episodes, things actually seem to get off to a rather pleasant start, in “Empire of the Son.” Chuck Bass, who, as you recall, was, just last week, in danger of losing Bass Industries to the odious Russell Thorpe, is now presumably “back on top.” This, of course, is due to the deal he made with that Random Dude who agreed to buy an interest in his company, last week, so that Thorpe couldn’t destroy it.
Now, Chuck, of all people, is being asked to ring the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange. To me, this is pretty darn impressive, especially considering that, in four seasons, I never knew the character to wake up before Noon . . .
. . . unless, of course, he had “special company” in his bed with him. 😉
Speaking of Blair . . . she’s doing pretty well too! Though our Queen B was seen, just last week, getting FIRED, FAILING exams, eating PIZZA, and drowning her sorrows in old ass movies, screened in a Brookyln apartment, now our girl looks positively radiant. She’s being nice to everybody! She’s giving Serena advice about her Bland Boring Boyfriend Ben.
Blair attributes this new sense of well being to a “Fast and Cleanse,” in which she has recently engaged. On this, I call BS, from personal experience. After all, the last time I, personally, “cleansed and fasted,” I literally almost killed about five people, out of sheer HUNGER . . .
Yeah . . . you should really consider EATING, stat, if you care at all about your family and friends . . .
But, I’m not the only one who is doubtful as to the true source of Blair’s newfound happiness. Blair’s sidekick, Dorota, is suspicious as well . . .
You know who else is doing well? Nate. After lord knows how many weeks just spent staring at the camera, and looking pretty, Boy Toy ACTUALLY has a sort-of storyline . . . plus, he’s getting laid . . .
Yes, boys and girls. Things move fast in the Upper East Side. And Raina, who was formerly Chuck’s flavor of the week, is now being slurped up by Pimp Daddy Archibald, right beneath Chuck’s nose! Unlike Chuck and Raina, these two ACTUALLY share a modicum of chemistry. As a result, watching this new couple interact and swap spit — while not a particularly thrilling sight — doesn’t immediately make me want to vomit. So, that’s a start!
“Thank you, writers, for FINALLY realizing that I am WAY TOO HOT to be perpetually celibate, on this show. Now, if I could just get you to stop dressing me in these ridiculously dorky sweaters . . .”
Now, despite appearances, all is not necessarily rosy in the Upper East Side. Serena is still macking with that Wet Blanket Ben . . .
But, hey! At least this is causing her to ignore the stalkerish repeated phone calls and text messages from one ridiculously annoying, Vanessa Abrams . . .
So, it seems the entire cast of GG (except for Vanessa) is happy, which is exactly how us fans like it. And what’s a “happy” GG episode without a PARTY, right? I mean what would all these disgustingly rich, and apparently alcoholic, Manhattanites, do with their lives, if they weren’t perpetually attending one of Chuck’s nightly “I Never Work, But Inexplicably Have Unlimited Income” Galas?
“And now let us call this meeting of the Upper East Side Chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous to order . . . Cheers!”
But, of course, this is Gossip Girl. And happy days can’t stay happy, for long . . .
You are ALL BUSTED!
“Oh, Russell . . . honey . . . we NEED to do something about your office. Since when did it become OK for a high-powered executive to conduct business at a COFFEE TABLE? I mean, you’re sitting so low to the ground, you might as well be on the floor! And what exactly is that fire place doing behind you, anyway? Is that your idea of a shredder?” – Set Department FAIL!
Things start to take a turn for the worse, when Chuck arrives at Thorpe’s office, to gloatingly invite Russell and Raina to his Pointless Party of the Week. It is then, that Russell accidentally / on purpose lets it slip that his daughter is currently out boning Mini Captain Archibald . . .
“Well, DAMN! Now, I’m glad I gave her an STD! Enjoy those crabs, Natey-poo!”
But Russell’s got even more tricks up his sleeve. He’s recently sent one of his minions off to the dry cleaners, in order to kindly “suggest” an outfit for Lily van der Woodsen to wear to Chuck’s party . . .
“Hey Lily, I hear orange is the new black . . .”
Elsewhere, Wet Blanket Ben has suddenly stopped returning Serena’s Booty Calls . . .
Oh, the humanity!
When Serena confronts Wet Blanket Ben at Dan’s apartment (where he is currently crashing), to find out what the heck is going on, she encounters a very scary sight, indeed . . .
It’s the EVIL WENCH, WHO BROUGHT WET BLANKET BEN AND PSYCHO STALKER JULIET INTO THE WORLD!!!!
Of course, Evil Wench is LESS THAN PLEASED that her son has formed a relationship with the woman whose family pretty much singlehandedly RUINED HIS CAREER, and possibly, his life . . . They also, coincidentally, sent her daughter, Psycho Stalker Juliet off the Deep End. Oops!
Meanwhile Blair, who is clearly ashamed of the fact that she used to spend her nights attending lavish parties and having sex
with Chuck in limos, but now spends them watching Netflix films, washing dishes by hand, and eating (gasp) pizza, has been hiding her friendship with Dan from the Upper East Side masses.
But even BLAIR’s deception tactics are no match for The Mighty Dorota . . .
Dorota started to notice things were amiss, when she spied a NOVA DOCUMENTARY in Blair’s netflix queue! (Oh, Blair . . . we REALLY need to talk!) But then, when she found a copy of Dan Humphrey’s New Yorker magazine on Blair’s bed, things suddenly became clear to her . . .
“OH HELLLLLLL NOOOOOO!”
At this point, I should probably mention that Dorota is the BIGGEST CHAIR FAN EVER! (She’s also, I suspect, a Derena fan.) So, of course, the usually Happy Housekeeper is EXTREMELY UNHAPPY about this most recent turn of events. And she vows to put a stop to it ASAP.
“I caught you, Dan Dishpan-Handed!”
“You and Lonely Boy are having an AFFAIR,” shouts Dorota, her face a hilarious mixture of triumph, shock, and horrified disgust . . .
“We have to tell Mr. Chuck and Serena!” Dorota continues, digging the knife a little deeper into Blair’s heart.
To prove to Dorota, once and for all, that there is nothing going on between her and Dan, Blair decides to stand Lonely Boy up. So, she fails to meet him at their appointed destination for the day, and, instead, decides to go shopping with Dorota.
Meanwhile, Dan, who is similarly concerned that his dad, Rufus, will find out that he and Blair have been hanging out (Yeah . . . I don’t really get why the Dad would give two craps, either), ditches Blair too, in order to hang out with his Pops . . .
So, of course the two Date Ditchers have to end up running into one another, at a completely different location than where they originally planned to meet . . .
(Gotta love those Madcap GG Hijinx!) “I knew you would be my SOCIAL DEATH!” Blair exclaims to Dan later.
Deciding it would be best if they came clean to everybody about their new friendship, before ANYBODY ELSE finds out about it, Dan and Blair come up with a plan. They decide to leak a blast to Gossip Girl about an “important announcement.” Then, at Chuck’s party, they will reveal that the “important announcement” was actually a really LAME one, about the two of them sometimes watching movies together.
Talk about a Bait and Switch! I know, if I was Gossip Girl, I’d certainly want MY money back . . .
“Hey, at least the “important news” didn’t have anything to do with VANESSA!”
Baby Did a Bad, Bad Thing . . .
Back in Serena Land, Blondie is trying her hardest to win over Ben’s Evil Wench mom, by treating her to pizza. (Seriously? Since when did so many people eat PIZZA on Gossip Girl?)
Unfortunately, since Evil Wench is lactose intolerant (not to mention, Serena intolerant), the meal doesn’t exactly go well. To make matters worse, Serena conveniently overhears Evil Wench telling Ben that he should sell out the van der Woodsens to save his teaching career.
This way, he can fall in love with, and possibly impregnate MORE 16 year olds YAY!
Speaking of the whole Pedo Ben Fiasco, Serena’s mom arranges a meeting with Chuck to tell him about the “Orange Jumpsuit Affair.”
Apparently, Lily (rightly, as it turns out) fears that Russell will try to blackmail her into ceding Bass Industries over to him, by threatening to reveal information regarding Lily’s illegal behavior, with respect to the aforementioned matter. (Geez! Dude just doesn’t give up, does he?) Chuck promises to investigate (1) who leaked that information to Russell *cough Drug Dealing Damien cough;” and (2) whether the Real Estate Mogul has ACTUAL PROOF of Lily’s perjury, or is merely bluffing.
Lily, of course, suspects Wet Blanket Ben of leaking the intel. And when ANNOYING VANESSA . . .
AGAIN . . . I REPEAT . . .
. . . barges into La Casa de van der Woodsen, to inform Lily that Ben had Nate’s dad beat up in jail, her suspicions seem justified. When Lily confronts Serena with this information, Blondie initially refuses to believe its true. The problem, of course, is that the AFFIDAVIT, which is proof of Lily’s guilt in the Pedo Ben Affair, has suddenly gone missing. And, aside from Serena, Wet Blanket Ben is the only one who knew where it was hidden . . .
Serena vows to talk to Ben at Chuck’s party, hoping she can get him to reconsider his decision.
Elsewhere on the Upper East Side, Chuck . . .
. . . pretends to care that Nate and Raina are porking, when we ALL know, he only truly has eyes for one girl . . .
But, aside from this faux- confrontation, Chuck has REAL business to attend to, with Raina. Specifically, he wants to warn her about what an ASSHAT her dad is! When Raina refuses to believe Chuck’s statements, the latter arranges for Raina to learn of her dad’s Asshatedness on her OWN. Chuck figures that Raina’s disapproval of Russell, might influence the Douchebag to drop his whole blackmail scheme, and simply admit defeat, like a Good Little Guest Star . . .
All is Revealed . . .
As is typical of GG episodes, everything comes to head at the Big Party of the Week. There, Serena confronts Wet Blanket Ben . . .
“Sometimes, I even bore MYSELF . . .”
. . . who admits to beating up Nate’s dad (who, let’s face it, no one really likes, anway) . . .
“Hey WTF! EVERYBODY LIKES ME! I’m Captain Hook-ed on Drugs, for crying out loud!”
However, the Wet Blanket SWEARS on his Mama, that he didn’t steal Lily’s forged affidavit. Oh, but he did tell his Evil Wench Mom where it was hidden . . .
“WHAT A MORON! You’re seriously boning THAT GUY, when you could be boning ME, Serena . . .What is WRONG WITH YOU?”
So, here’s how it all went down . . . Apparently, after Drug Dealing Damien approached Thorpe at the end of last week’s episode, about Lily’s criminal acts, Thorpe took it upon himself to contact Wet Blanket Ben’s MOM. She then used Wet Blanket Ben to figure out how to steal the incriminating affidavit, and give it to Thorpe. How
unnecessarily convuluted interesting.
Later, as planned by Chuck, Russell blackmails Lily, with Raina listening in the next room. To say she is not pleased with her daddy, is the UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE CENTURY . . .
“This is SO STRESSFUL! I could really use some more weed, now!”
“They were RIGHT ABOUT YOU,” Raina exclaims to Daddy Not-So-Dearest, before storming off, with Nate hot on her heels, hoping to heaven that this won’t interfere with his chances of getting boned tonight . . .
But what Chuck doesn’t count on is Russell being SUCH a big Asshat, that he DOESN’T even go after his own daughter! He STILL wants to blackmail Lily! The problem, however, is that he CAN’T! Lily has already decided to turn herself in to the police, and issue a full confession.
Though this may inevitably land her in jail, this sort-of heroic, if long overdue, act, will, not only singlehandedly save Bass Industries
until the next Guest Star comes to f*ck with it, it also will inevitably prevent the company from being blackmailed for the 84,532nd time this season. GOOD RIDDENS TO THAT!
Bart Bass-tard Strikes Again . . . and other Sort-of Cliffhangers
After Lily leaves to go turn herself in, Chuck and Russell decide to have a little heart-to-heart.
lamest, most useless and least relevant biggest twist of the evening, Russell reveals that the reason he was dead set on ruining Bass Industries, was not because Bart Bass stole Lily from him, but because Bart basically KILLED RUSSELL’S FIRST WIFE! Remember a few seasons back, how Bart was implicated in setting fire to one of his hotel buildings, for insurance money, and for killing some Security Guard, in the process. (No? That’s OK . . . I barely remember it myself.)
Well, apparently, RUSSELL’S WIFE was also in the building at the time. (Wait . . . nobody finds it weird that the SECURITY GUARD’S death was publicized, but the wife of a famous hotel mogul’s was NOT? Am I missing something here?) Upon hearing that his dad was JUST AS BIG OF AN ASSHOLE AS HE ALWAYS THOUGHT HE WAS . . . just a slightly more murderous one, Chuck goes on an alcoholic bender . . .
This Bender, ironically, wakes Chuck up from the STUPOR he’s been in for at least four episodes now! “I need to find Blair! She’s the only one who understands what I’m going through right now,” a slightly inebriated Chuck tells Serena, before rushing off to find his lady love.
Well, it’s about DAMN TIME!
(Note: The fact that Chuck’s Daddy Issues are what FINALLY prompted him to remember how dear Blair is to him, is a nice bit of continuity on the writers’ part. One can’t deny that, each time, Bart’s misdeeds (or his untimely death), have sent Chuck into a downward spiral, it was BLAIR who nursed him back to himself, with her strength, and unflagging belief in Chuck’s strength and inner goodness.
Speaking of BAD DAD’S and GOOD “SHIPS”, Russell Thorpe FINALLY decides to leave town, and go back to the Windy City from whence he came . . .
But it’s Nate — who is no stranger to the many ways in which BAD DADS can disappoint you, and f*&k you up for life, himself — who ultimately convinces Raina to wish her Papa farewell, and forgive him for being such an Evil Asshat and Annoying Special Guest Star . . .
The Hills are Alive, with the Sound of Natey-pooooooo!
Nate and Raina may still be going strong. But you know who isn’t? Serena and Wet Blanket Ben.
This DOOFUS also
FINALLY leaves town (Well, would you look at that? We killed two birds with one stone . . . now if we could only get Manessa to leave, for good).
Wet Blanket’s reasons for departing NYC are as follows: (1) Lily demanded, as a condition of her confession, that all charges against him be expunged; and (2) he’s become a VERY BAD MAN . . . at least as far as he is concerned. Serena is momentarily devastated by the loss of her Flavor of the Week. So, she tells him she truly believes that he is the same
pedophile man she fell in love with. She also hopes that Ben will call her again, once he gets some of that nonexistent confidence back.
Umm . . . Ben, don’t call us, we’ll call you . . . Mmmmm Kay?
So, that’s two people who left town. You know who came BACK to the Upper East Side though? THIS GUY . . .
Watch out RUFUS! With Lily awaiting trial for her crimes, her Bad Ass Mo Fo criminal of an ex-husband (He made her believe she had CANCER, just to get into her pants, for crying out loud!) might be JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED!
But the real cliffhanger of the episode comes in the final moments. If you recall, Dan and Blair planned to “come out” as friends at Chuck’s party. But then, all this Lily and Russell and Ben Crap happened. So, they decided it probably wasn’t the right time to reveal this not-all-that-important information to “Manhattan’s Elite” . . .
Ultimately, the pair decide to sacrifice their newfound friendship, and focus, instead, on their friends’ impending crises and emotional needs.
But that night, Dan refuses to return to Brooklyn. Apparently, he is having second thoughts about his and Blair’s mutual decision to “break up their friendship.” And so, he arrives at Blair’s house, with questions looming in his mind, as to why the two have felt the need to hide their movie-going, pizza-eating, and dish-washing “thing,” for so long. He wonders whether something more is there between them. He wants to kiss Blair just once to find out.
Blair tentatively agrees to the kiss. Then, Dan, being the general slow-starter / wishy washy and Charlie Brown-like person he can sometimes be, hesitates, before going in for the Big Slobber. So, Blair, wanting to get this over with, grabs her Brookyln Bud, and pulls him in for a smooch. The screen then freeze frames like THIS . . .
And, before you know it, we have Gossip Girl saying “XOXO” for the last time, before the show goes into a SIX WEEK HIATUS . . .
Man, this sucks! I really thought we’d get to see Chuck make a play for Blair’s heart, before the Final XOXO. Unfortunately, this did not happen . . . yet. The show’s upcoming promos offer some promise, however . . .
See you in April, Upper East Siders! Until then, XOXO!