STILES: “It’s called a UNIFORM, Scott. You have to wear one, or your teammates will realize there is something ‘different’ about you.”
SCOTT: “But Stiles, don’t you get it? Your acting skills, the size of my pects, and Derek’s eyes are the only things keeping this show on the air. The more I walk around like this, the better chance we have of not getting canceled.”
STILES: “Oh . . . carry on then.”
Initially, I was completely baffled by MTV’s decision to air two new episodes of Teen Wolf in a row, on consecutive nights. However, having finally watched this second installment, I can see why the producers of this show might have made that choice. After all, “Second Chance at First Line” definitely seemed like more of a continuation of the pilot, than its own episode, didn’t it? Aside from learning a bit more about the show’s distinct brand of werewolf mythology, not all that much really happened in this hour. We did, however, get another heaping helping of the whole “Werewolves are SUPER at lacrosse” message . . .
Here’s a hint MTV: Do you want to increase viewership? Try replacing the word “lacrosse” with “sex” in the above sentence. Just a suggestion . . .
So, strap on your helmets, kiddies, because it’s time for another recap . . .
“Don’t Cry, WOLF!”
“I really shouldn’t have eaten all those beans last night.”
I’m going to have to assume that Episode 2 of Teen Wolf begins right where Episode 1 left off. Scott has just found out that Allison’s dad is an Evil Werewolf Hunter. And so, he heads to the locker room, takes off his shirt (naturally), bangs his head against the locker, and starts squinching up his face, like an infant in need of a diaper change. Had the aforementioned Close Encounter with Bad Dad Kind not just happened, Scott’s excessive emotionality in this scene, probably wouldn’t make too much sense . . .
Fortunately, Stiles is there, ready and waiting to wipe the tears from Scott’s eyes, and the snot from his nose.
Super cute, Seth Cohen-esque Sidekick, at your service!
Scott provides Stiles with a quick recap of the last few moments of the first episode. And I can’t help but wonder why these two guys seem so willing to BLATANTLY TALK ABOUT SCOTT BEING A WEREWOLF in a locker room where ANY OF THEIR TEAMMATES CAN HAPPEN TO WALK IN AND HEAR THEM. Being a werewolf, might increase your strength, speed, hearing and stamina, but it sure doesn’t do sh*t for your intelligence level . . . or lack thereof.
Here’s a hint, Scott. You’re pretty. Marry some smart girl, who can be the breadwinner in your family, and keep you living in the Perpetually Half-Naked House Husband manner to which you are accustomed.
Anywhoo . . . it’s time for practice . . . AGAIN.
Distracted by his “personal problems,” Scott makes a bad play on the field, and is told by the overly hyper Coach Crackhead that he runs like the latter’s dead grandma. This makes Scott, ANGRY. And you won’t like Scott when he’s ANGRY . . .
Scott’s second play is decidedly un-dead grandma-like. So much so, in fact, that he ends up ramming into Alpha Male Douchebag Jackson, and dislocating his shoulder. OOPS! This sends Scott into a werewolf transformation tailspin. So, he rushes back to the locker room, before any of his classmates can see him sprout a face that only a Dead Grandma could love . . .
“Is that a lacrosse stick in my back, or are you just happy to see me?”
When Trusty Sidekick, Stiles, follows Scott back to the lockers to make sure he is OK, a Wolfed Out Scott, starts LITERALLY seeing red. And that’s when all hell breaks loose. (Note to MTV: ELIMINATE the cheesy CGI graphics from this show, ASAP! We kind of figured out Scott was “enraged” and “not himself,” by the fact that he was GROWLING, CLIMBING THE LOCKERS, and TRYING TO EAT HIS BEST FRIEND. The “Shaky Wolf Cam” stuff was just overkill.)
Finally, a surprisingly clever Stiles (well . . . clever, when he’s NOT talking about his best friend being a werewolf, in public), manages to de-wolfanize Scott, by shooting him with a fire extinguisher . . .
I’m thinking, right about now, Stiles would rather be on Gossip Girl or 90210, where the most dangerous thing he might get “eaten” by would be a bad case of crabs . . .
Scott, conveniently, has no memory of the last two minutes. Fortunately, Stiles is more than happy to provide a recap. “You tried to kill me,” he offers, helpfully.
Stiles suggests to Scott that maybe playing in the first lacrosse game of the season, isn’t the best idea . . . at least not until the latter gets a better hand on his wolfish instincts. Scott reluctantly agrees. However, when he finds out that everyone AND HIS MOTHER will be stopping by, specifically to see him play, the not-so-lone wolf begins to reconsider his options.
Often in my recaps, I tend to make fun of shameless insertions of technology, like Skype and Google, into teen shows. These Often Useless to the Plot Scenes tend be included in teen drama scripts, for no other reason, than to rake in advertising dollars, and to make teen viewers forget that the writers of the “cool” show they are watching are actually middle aged men, who have NO CLUE what real teens today actually sound like. That being said, as of this week, Teen Wolf bears the proud distinction of having the Best Use of Skype in a Television Drama EVER!
Watch and learn . . .
That’s right, boys and girls! Teen Wolf cleverly used Skype to put a new twist on the old “Someone Appears Seemingly Out of Nowhere, in Your Bathroom Mirror” horrror movie trope. The scene worked, because it genuinely caught me (and I suspect many other viewers as well) off guard. Here’s how it worked:
We saw the Skype-Thing happening, immediately assumed the scene was going to be useless (ask Skype scenes tend to be), and pretty much stopped paying attention. So, when Stiles starts acting weird (well . . . weirder than usual), and the computer screen freezes, we are right there in Scott’s shoes, trying to figure out what the heck is going on. And when the computer screen reveals that Derek has been standing behind Scott the whole time, I must admit, I literally jumped out of my chair.
“Ahh . . . the male escort I ordered has finally arrived.”
So, of course, the writers had to follow that up with a Classic TVD-inspired Homoerotic Wall Slam . . .
“In the words of Nine Inch Nails, I want to f*&k you, like an animal.”
Derek seemed different in this episode, didn’t he? In the Pilot he was all, “We are family,” and “Go Team Wolf,” and “Enjoy my Gift.” And now he’s all, “Intense Stares,” and, “Empty Threats,” and “Creepy Proclamations.” Did he forget that HE was the guy, who made Scott a wolf, in the first place? Given that, it’s a bit hypocritical of him to be all judgy of Scott’s “Anger Management Issues,” don’t you think? Talk about the Pot calling the Kettle, a wolf . . .
“Who you calling a kettle?”
Anyway, Derek scolds Scott for not being more careful about hiding his “gift.” (It’s a good thing he didn’t watch that first scene in the locker room! That would have REALLY pissed him off.) He then pretty much tells his so-called brother that he’ll kill him, if the latter decides to play in the first lacrosse game.
OH NO! No more LACROSSE SCENES? Say it ain’t so? (She said, sarcastically.)
Peer Pressure from the Wolf Pack
“Are your eyes YELLOWER than they were yesterday, or did I snort so much cheap coke this morning, that I’ve started to hallucinate?”
When Scott approaches his coach the next day at school, to tell him that he can’t play in the upcoming lacrosse game, due to “personal problems,” (It is his “Time of Month,” after all) Coach Crackhead immediately assumes that Scott doesn’t want to play because he is either (1) gay, or (2) a meth addict.
Riiiiiight, because the “symptoms” of homosexuality and severe drug addiction are EXACTLY the same. The whole conversation seemed so random, and completely out of place, that I can only assume that its purpose was to foreshadow the introduction of a gay character on the show. Well . . . that . . . and Scott sort of DOES act like a meth addict, sometimes . . .
“How familiar are you with the ‘furry’ community?”
Also, subtly encouraging Scott to play lacrosse, is his new “gal pal,” Allison, who not only informs him that she will be watching the game from the stands, she also plans to
have hot animal sex with take him out to celebrate, after the game is over. Directly, after this scene, we are treated to a seemingly random shot of Allison alone at her locker, finding a jacket she left at the party from the pilot episode. Based on the eerie music that’s playing, a WOLF seems to be watching her hungrily. The questions is, is that wolf SCOTT (who, after all, more or less, was just propositioned for sex, and is probably all hot and bothered now), or Derek (who we know had access to the jacket, when he drove Allison home, and was probably the one who returned it to her locker)?
Hmmm . . . interesting . . .
Speaking of interesting . . .
I BET you do! 😉
. . . I haven’t quite figured out this Lydia character yet. Last week, she went from not knowing who Scott was at all, to seeming to want to jump his bones, all because he had suddenly become a solid athlete. This week, she waffled between wanting Scott to play lacrosse (even though he mowed down her boyfriend), because she wanted her team to win the game, and hoping that Scott would play POORLY, so that her boyfriend would look better on the field.
Whatever her true motivations, Lydia did seem to succeed in thoroughly baffling Scott. Then again, given that the Wolfman never exactly struck me as the sharpest tool in the woodshed (biggest maybe, but not sharpest), that probably wasn’t all that difficult to do. Later, when Lydia purposefully introduced Allison to other boys right in front of Scott, his Crazy Creepy Jealous Side emerged, which was NOT ATTRACTIVE AT ALL.
Scott started immediately peppering his not-yet-girlfriend, with needy questions relating to various interactions with members of the opposite sex in general, and Derek Hale, in particular. And I have to say, if I was Allison, and some guy left ME stranded at a party, and then started treating me, all Abusive Boyfriend-y like Scott was treating her, so soon after I first met him, I would run FAR AND FAST in the opposite direction.
Yet, Allison barely bats an eyelash. Perhaps, it has something to do with her deep-seated Daddy Issues . . .
Nevertheless, Scott’s firm belief that, if he decides not to play in the lacrosse game, Lydia will whore out Allison to the entire sophomore class, is what, ultimately, convinces him to play. (Gee Lydia! Thanks for the guarantee of more lacrosse scenes. How will I ever repay you?)
However, in order to make it to the game without being MURDERED by his “new brother,” Scott must eliminate Derek Hale from the picture, first. And in order to eliminate Derek Hale, the newbie wolf has to somehow prove that Derek was the one responsible for the half-eaten corpse in the woods.
Morgue Shopping and Grave-Digging, a.k.a. Just Another Weeknight for Scott and Stiles
“Hey look! I think I just found the Hatch from Lost down here.”
The last time Scott was at Derek’s house, he smelled a corpse buried beneath the property, using his Superhuman Sniffing Power. Now, Scott hopes to “sniff out” the other half of the body in the morque to see if the “smells” match.
Yeah, I just vomited in my mouth typing that sentence . . .
I mean, never mind that, in order to preserve a body in a morque, it’s sprayed with all sorts of chemicals specifically to HIDE its smell. But, whatever, it’s just television, right? Or should I say . . . Smell-evision.
Lydia and Alpha Male Douchebag are also at the hospital, getting shots for Alpha’s wounded shoulder, at the time. So, Scott tries to distract them . . . well . . . at least
shamelessly flirt with distract, Lydia, so that Scott can sneak past unnoticed. (I love how THESE are the people who Scott is worried about being discovered by, as opposed to . . . say HOSPITAL SECURITY OR A MEDICAL EXAMINER.) As it turns out, Lydia and Alpha Male Douchebag don’t need distracting. They do a fine job of that all on their own . . .
“My shoulder may be injured, but my weiner works just fine!”
“I would very much like to Google you . . . and I don’t mean on the computer either.”
So, Stiles settles down in a waiting room chair, and starts reading an intriguing pamphet about menstrual cycles. Because, you just never know when that type of information will come in handy . . .
(And, yes, I caught, the wolf rage / PMS metaphor here. Clearly, this episode was written by a MAN! Women don’t joke about these sorts of things . . . even though I kind of just did.)
Alone in the morgue, Scott locates the Partial Jane Doe’s better half, i.e. her BOTTOM half, gives it a big snifferoo, and determines that the scent DOES, in fact, match the scent he picked up near Derek’s house. Now, all Scott and Stiles have to do is exhume the other half of the body from Derek’s front yard, without being caught. Easy, right?
Though the ENTIRE time I was watching this scene, I kept expecting Derek to come home, he DIDN’T, despite the fact that Scott and Stiles never even thought to check up on his whereabouts, before going on their little archealogy dig. They just assumed they could go digging up his front yard in the middle of the night, and he would NEVER notice. In their defense, I vaguely recall seeing Derek leave in his car, right before they started digging. But, for all they know, he could have been heading out for a quick errand. Wolf Detective Team, FAIL!
“I’ll be watching you!”
Scott and Stiles find the body relatively quickly, but are pretty shocked to find that its not human at all! Rather, it’s the body of a WOLF!
I had to laugh when Scott and Stiles screamed like little girls, upon finding the dead animal, as if it was SO MUCH SCARIER than what they ACTUALLY expected to find . . .
Nevertheless, Stiles conveniently notes that a solitary wolfsbane plant is buried in the soil, where it wasn’t before. Remembering from his Google searches, and countless hours spent
jerking off to wolf porn watching old werewolf movies, that wolfsbane has a negative effect on werewolf powers, he pulls the plant out of the ground, only to find that it is attached to a rope encircling the grave. When the rope is unraveled, the wolf’s dead body miraculously transforms back into human remains. Weird, huh?
Now, Stiles and Scott have the evidence they need to get Derek arrested for murder.
Derek accepts his arrest, with the same mildly annoyed facial expession he has worn the entire episode. And Stiles, who clearly has a death wish, takes this opportunity to hop in his dad’s police car with the confirmed killer, so the two can have a little “chat.”
“So, Wolfman, how about that Anthony Weiner guy? What a TOOL, right?”
Stiles wants to know why Derek’s werewolf victim had the ability to transform into a FULL FLEDGED wolf, whereas Scott, transformation is, more or less, limited to his face and hands, and makes him look, less like a wolf, and more like a cross between E.T. and how my cat looks in the dark.
Note: This is NOT MY CAT.
The answer to this question seems pretty obvious to ME, and I haven’t done nearly as much research as Stiles has. I presume the answer to Stiles’ question is as follows: While Derek and the victim were werewolves by birth, Scott is only a werewolf by BITE, thereby preventing him from undergoing a complete transformation.
But hey, like I said, Stiles is only SOMETIMES clever. Like, for example, in the following scene, when his father accuses him of lying about Scott’s whereabouts, the night Stiles was caught in the woods, and Stiles explained that he wasn’t lying, because “lying” meant “reclining in a horizontal position.”
Stiles is also smart enough to take the wolfsbane with him, when he leaves Derek’s property. After all, the plant will undoubtedly function as a great way to protect this mere mortal, should his bestie decide to go apesh*t on him again, like he did earlier in the locker room. The problem, of course, is that, when confined to close spaces, like, say, for example, Stiles car, wolfsbane makes Scott feel ill. And feeling ill makes Scott ANGRY. And getting ANGRY makes Scott look like THIS . . .
So, of course, when Stiles pulls over his car, to let a wolfish Scott escape to “do his thing” in the woods, the latter somehow winds up on Allison’s roof. And so he begin stalking her bedroom, like the UGLIEST, and Most Ambitious, Peeping Tom ever! Eventually, Scott takes a tumble from the roof, only to be ALMOST hit by Allison’s Evil Dad’s car.
Now back to his normal self, Scott seems dazed and confused as to how he wound up here. Dimwitted Allison doesn’t seem to think there is anything wrong with this situation, and is just happy to see that her boyfriend is alive.
“Aww! I”ve never had my own stalker, before! I am SO flattered!”
Evil Hunter Dad, however, is obviously suspicious . . .
Let’s Get Ready to Rumble
It’s Game Day! And Scott McCall is ready to kick some Mystic Falls’ Timberwolf ASS!
Fortunately, for Scott, none of the Cool Kids from Mystic Falls (shown above) actually PLAY lacrosse. Otherwise, he’d be dead meat. Of course, Scott would have WAY better luck kicking some Timberwolf Ass, if SOMEONE actually passed him the ball. Unfortunately, Alpha Male Douchebag has cautioned his teammates against doing just that.
Up in the stands, Lydia, who may actually be the SMARTEST person on this show (Not that this is saying much. Sorry Stiles!) seems to know, instinctively, that Scott plays his best when he’s “all riled up.” So, she commandeers Allison to hold up a “We Love Alpha Male Douchebag” sign in the stands, for Scott to see.
“On the inside I’m crying, but on the outside, I want to rip your face in half, and wear it as a hat.”
The ploy works, and, before you know it, Scott is growling at the TVD extras, leaping over bodies, and scoring like the Selfish Ball Hog we always knew he could be. But, alas, by the time he has won his game for his ungrateful teammates, Scott is too wolfed out to care. When the game is over, he dashes from the field toward . . . wait for it . . . THE TRUSTY LOCKER ROOM, AGAIN. (Dude! Try the woods. There are WAY less humans there!)
In the locker room, Scott pounds a bathroom mirror in fury, as he heads off to complete his transformation into that Weird Thing that’s Supposed to Look Like a Wolf, But Doesn’t Really.
Dumb as Dogsh*t Allison, ever the glutton for punishment, follows Scott into the boys’ locker room (kinky!). It’s all dark and creepy in there. (Did the school forget to pay it’s electric bill, or something?)
She quickly notes the broken mirror, and hears the heavy breathing of a wolfed-out Scott, who is perched awkwardly on a locker above her head, waiting patiently to rip out her skull. But, hey, isn’t getting your body ripped in half by a Psycho Beat worth the risk of True Love.
No? Yeah . . . I didn’t think so, either.
“Could you just do me a favor . . . when you eat me . . . try not to mess up my makeup? I wouldn’t mind, except that I spent an HOUR on it, before the game, and I’d hate to have all this Pretty go to waste.”
Somehow, Scott turns back to normal, and Allison finds him in the showers, looking all teary and vulnerable. She ignores the 800 million warning signs she’s received that this guy might very well be a Date Rapist in the Making, and starts making out with him, hardcore.
Ever the “supportive buddy,” Stiles watches his bestie engage in this Precursor to Shower Sex, looking more than a bit jealous . . . of ALLISON.
“I smell SHOWER SEX . . . and Sweaty Boys’ Gym Socks!”
After Allison leaves, Scott rushes to tell Stiles how proud he is of himself for being able to tongue Allison in the dark, without
prematurely ejaculating chewing her perky boobies off, with his wolf teeth. Unfortunately, Stiles has to poo on his bestie’s happiness with some BAD NEWS. Apparently, the Medical Examiner Report ruled the dead body in Derek’s yard to have been killed by “animal attack.” And, since nobody knows Derek is an “animal” yet, he was released from jail.
“You can’t tell from my blank facial expression, but I am very happy about this new development. I am now free to stare intensely at you and your friends, every Monday night, for the foreseeable future.”
Oh, and did I mention that the Coroner identified the dead body as belonging to DEREK’S SISTER?
Back on the field, Alpha Male Douchebag finds Scott’s lacrosse glove on the floor, in a moment very reminiscent of the Glass Slipper Scene from Cinderella. He notices, to his confusion, that it has holes where the fingers are supposed to go. It looks almost like the wearer of the glove broke through its fabric with his LONG SCARY FINGERNAILS!
Uh Oh, Scott! It looks like somebody needs a manicure!
And that’s all she wrote folks. Did you like this episode better than the pilot? Or were you disappointed in its comparative dearth of shirtless scenes? Feel free to sound off in the comment section, below!