Text Messages of the Damned – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ Season 2 Premiere “It’s Alive”

Welcome back, my Pretties!  Oh, how I’ve missed you.  Heck, I’ve missed THIS SHOW!  With its Text Messages from the Great Beyond . . . its Creepy Characters, Who Always Pop Up at Precisely the WRONG Moment . . . its Villain “A,” who seems to gain increasingly ridiculous superpowers, with every episode . . . its suprisingly steamy romance scenes . . . its RAMPANT MALE SHIRTLESSNESS.  Did I mention the shirtlessness?

Well, HELLO Fitzy!  Welcome to the NAKED CLUB!

Though it got off to an admittedly slow start, this week’s season premiere of Pretty Little Liars definitely succeeded in giving us the best this show has to offer, with, not one, but TWO “I love you” declarations, multiple couple-y exchanges, a whole lot of Grade “A” craziness, and the return of two VERY frightening monsters . . . one with Furry Caterpillars Where His Eyebrows Should Be . . .

 . . . the other, a BONAFIDE ZOMBIE!

Man, this show is getting SCARIER than TVD!

Let’s review, shall we?

(Oh, and before I begin, a very special thanks to THIS spectacular website, for providing the Most Comprehensive Collection of Pretty Little Liars Screencaps on the planet!  Unless, it’s a GIF, if you see a picture in this recap that you like, it’s probably from THERE.)

People Not to Be Trusted #1 – Police Boy Garrett

Reason:  Because we KNOW where THAT tongue has been!

The season premiere begins EXACTLY where the Season 1 finale left off.   Our fabulous foursome have just left the church, where Purple-Faced Creepy Pedo Ian, who was last seen hanging from the rafters of the Church, has seemingly vanished into thin air, making our protagonists (who actually called the police, for a change) look like, for lack of a better term, “Pretty Little Liars.”

Outside the church, the girls talk nervously to one another, trying to convince themselves that what they saw was real . . . and that Creepy Pedo Ian is REALLY no more.  But the doubts are already starting to creep into their brains.  Did they really see what they THOUGHT they saw?  Or has “A” been playing tricks on them again?

 Meanwhile, seemingly the ENTIRE town of Rosewood has come out for this fun-filled local event.  After all, it’s not every day you get to see the dead body of a neighbor of yours, hung from the church ceiling, like a Christmas Tree ornament!

YAY!  Hangings are FUN!

 Unfortunately, for the people of Rosewood, Dead Body Watch is simply not in the cards for them.  This corpse has gone on vacation (probably with the dude from that old movie, Weekend at Bernies!).

Suddenly, the PLL girls are the MOST HATED KIDS IN TOWN!  How DARE they get their neighbors all excited about the opportunity to see their FIRST Dead Body (well . . . second, if you count Alison’s), and then NOT deliver!  FOR SHAME!  Fortunately, Police Boy Garrett swoops in to rescue them, before the tomatos and smelly shoes start being thrown. 

“Come with me,” says Police Boy gallantly.

Like Aria, I began to question Police Boy’s motives, the minute he refused to allow the teens to tell their parents they were heading down to the police station.  Granted, Police Boy’s superiors probably TOLD him to do this, in order to prevent the girls’ parents from immediately instructing them to ask for attorney representation, thereby stopping the investigation in its tracks.  But still . . . how many horror movies have YOU seen, where the innocent teens enter a cop car they think is safe, only to find out that the “Mild-Mannered Police Boy” in the front seat is really an INSANE PSYCHO KILLER?

My suspicions GREW, along with those of the rest of the girls, when Police Boy DID NOT, as promised, take the girls to the police station, but rather DROVE THEM TO A DESERTED STREET IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, AND FORCED THEM OUT OF THE COP CAR!

Well girls . . . it was nice knowing ya!

Fortunately, for the PLLs, Police Boy actually seems LESS interested in ripping out their throats, and eating their faces for late night snack, and more concerned with COVERING HIS OWN ASS.  Remember, Police Boy Garrett has A LOT to hide from his superiors.  For starters, he’s in a relationship with the decidedly underage Creepy Blind Jenna (though the PLL girls don’t know this, yet).  He had also orchestrated the girls’ botched attempt to blackmail Creepy Pedo Ian into confessing to Alison’s murder, using the disturbing Snuff Porn-like video “A” sent to them (along with 10 Gs) as bait . . .

The girls promptly agree to keep their mouths shut about the video.  After all, none of the cops seem to believe anything they say, anyway. 

Oh, and I bet you will never guess who was conveniently lurking in the shadows, watching hearing this ENTIRE exchange take place, almost as though she had ORCHESTRATED THE WHOLE THING HERSELF?

So, much for finding a DESERTED PLACE WHERE NO ONE CAN OVERHEAR YOU TALKING ABOUT OBSTRUCTING JUSTICE, Police Boy!  If Blind Jenna could hear you, chances are other people could have too!

People Not to Trust #2 – PLL PARENTS!

Allow me to introduce you to the Swell Parents of PLL, from left to right:  Mama “I Hit on My Students’ Teachers” Montgomery, Papa “Sleeps With Students” Montgomery, Papa “Win at All Costs” Hastings, Mama “Favors Her Older Daughter” Hastings, Mama “Slutty Thief” Marin (where’s Hannah’s absentee dad?), and Mama “Homophobe” Fields.

After suffering through hours of police investigation, the PLL girls head to Spencer’s house for a slumber party, except not much slumbering is occuring.  And when they head downstairs to get some coffee and refreshments, ALL their parents are there.  And they have some BAD NEWS.

Remember how last season, the cops thought Spencer was a TOTAL wackadoo liar, who might have actually been responsible for Alison’s death?  Well, now, apparently, in the wake of the Ian Thing, the blame has spread to all FOUR of the girls.  Now, the cops suddenly think the PLLs are OBSESSED with Creepy Pedo Ian, and are blaming Alison’s death on him, to cover up for their own wrongdoing. 

However, instead of working on getting the girls FOUR SEPARATE attorneys, like normal parents would do in this situation, the PLL Sucky Parent Club decide that the key to solving their kids’ problems is to have them ALL SEE THE SAME SHRINK TOGETHER!  Their rationale for this?  Apparently, the PLL Sucky Parent Club believes that the mere act of seeking professional help will make the kids look more LIKEABLE in the eyes of the cops and the press.

Never mind that these kids are actually WANTED FOR MURDER.  Don’t worry about the fact that they have all been TRAUMATIZED BY THEIR FRIEND’S DEATH, and may actually NEED psychological counseling on an INDIVIDUAL basis to cope with this.  All that’s important to THESE parents is that their kids LOOK sympathetic to the cops.  Parenting FAIL!

By the way, since when did the mere act of going to a shrink make a person more likeable?  Don’t get me wrong.  There’s absolutely NO SHAME in seeking professional help for personal issues.  I just don’t see the relationship between getting help, and looking “less guilty” during a police investigation.  Just sayin’.

Speaking of “awesome” parenting, did I mention that Abs Toby came to visit Spencer that morning, and her loving dad SLAMMED THE DOOR IN THE POOR GUY’S FACE?

That’s right, Pops!  This is EXACTLY what you should do when you are worried that your daughter might be having a nervous breakdown, SYSTEMATICALLY ISOLATE HER from all her friends / sole support system.  Great idea!

With parents like THESE, is it any wonder I am always making this face?

People Not to Trust #3 – Blind Jenna (but we already knew that)

In the subsequent scene, we see Blind Jenna and Police Boy Garrett cuddled together in Police Boy’s cop car for a little Makeout / Stakeout Session outside “Dead” Ali’s house, where they are inappropriately leering at Ali’s older brother, hot shirtless Jason, as he conveniently undresses in front of an open window.  Remember JASON, ladies?  Because, I sure do . . .

YUMMY!

For reasons, I simply cannot understand, Police Boy and Blind Jenna are not NEARLY as excited about Jason’s return to Rosewood as I am.  In fact, Jason makes them nervous . . . very nervous.   This, apparently, has something to do with a “Jason Thing” they don’t want anybody to find out about.  Wait a minute . . . a JASON THING?  So, let me get this straight.  The PLL girls had a Blind Jenna Thing.  And Blind Jenna and Police Boy Garrett have a JASON THING!  That’s a whole lotta “things”!

People Not to Trust #4 – Bushy Eyebrows Noel

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At school, Aria is excited to learn that her mom is moving back home to try and patch things up with her dad.  And blah, blah, blah.  I think I fell asleep during that scene. 

Even THEY look bored.

But things get interesting again, when we get to English class, and Aria is forced to confront Fitzy for the first time since the “Ex Girlfriend Jackie Incident.” 

AWK-WARD!

Now, I know Fitzy is supposed to be this “cool” teacher and all.  And he probably didn’t want to stir up any more speculation regarding his relationship with Aria than probably already existed, particularly considering he was LEAVING HIS JOB SO HE COULD DATE HER.  

But I still think Aria’s main man should have said SOMETHING about the extremely cruel Hangman Chalk Drawing on the board, with the word “liars” more or less spelled out beneath it, in obvious reference to the PLL girls’ statements regarding Creepy Pedo Ian.  I mean, that was just an inappropriate thing for a student to do.  (Though, even I’ve got to admit, it was pretty damn funny!)

What can I say?  I couldn’t resist!

English class goes from bad to worse for our female heroines, when Bushy Eyebrows Noel returns from his suspension, seemingly primed for revenge against Aria and Fitzy.  The twin caterpillars on his forehead nearly do a little Dance of Joy, when he turns toward Aria, and leeringly asks her, “Miss me?”  I literally got chills . . .

People Not to Trust #5 – Mona Your Fellow Classmates

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In the hallways, the PLL girls find themselves the subject of some pretty harsh ridicule, as a result of the publicity they garnered from the Ian Thing.  And when Hanna’s so-called pal Mona overhears the gossiping, I half expected her to join right along.  (Remember when Mona told the whole school that Hannah had liposuction?  Good times!)  But Mona surprises me, by sticking up for her friend publicly in front of her detractors.  “I don’t know what’s more pathetic,” begins Mona.  “People who gossip, or people who LISTEN to gossip.”  (And MONA would know!)

After the girls leave, Mona then tries to cheer up her downtrodden pal, by remarking on one of the “gossipers’ Flat Asses, and how bad they look in skinny jeans.  And I must admit, the exchange made me like Mona just a little bit more.  So, we all know she’s going to have to screw it up soon, right?

People Not To Trust #6 – FITZY(?)

Meanwhile, in the same hallway, Spencer and Aria are marveling over how popular Bushy Eyebrows Noel has suddenly become.   (Perhaps, the caterpillars on his forehead possess some weird mind control powers over the masses?)

Fitzy interrupts the exchange, calling Aria back into his classroom to have wild and crazy sex on top of his desk “talk about her English paper.”  Aria seems skeptical of the request, but ultimately complies.

Like Mona before him, Fitzy wins some points with me, by not immediately jumping into his “you have to forgive me” for lying about my ex-girlfriend routine.  Fitzy’s no dumby.  He’s heard the gossip about the Ian Thing, and can see how Aria and her friends are being treated at school.  He offers Aria comfort and support, and wants her to know she doesn’t have to go through this alone. 

But Aria is still really hurt about the Jackie Thing, and feels as though it has irrevocably changed things between her and Fitzy.  Fitzy insists to Aria that NOTHING has changed, and that he still loves her.  (Easy for HIM to say.  HE wasn’t the one who had the run-in with the dreaded Ex.)  When Aria doesn’t respond to his statement in kind, Fitzy wonders out loud whether they are over.  Aria says that she doesn’t know. Then she dashes from the room. 

No sex in the English class room for Fitzy!  Thanks for playing!  Better luck next time!

People Not to Trust #7 – Abs Toby’s Family (and Spencer’s)

Hanna and Aria aren’t the only ones having lousy days.  Spencer is having one too.  First, she goes to sneak a visit to Toby’s and is told by Blind Jenna that Toby’s parents have forbade him to see her.  Of course, it is uncertain whether this is the TRUTH, or if Blind Jenna is just saying this so her little rape victim can’t get laid away from home.  “Whatever little ‘thing’ you had with him is over,” seethes Blind Jenna, before slamming the door in Spencer’s face.

At the Hastings’ house, Police Boy Garrett is questioning an annoyingly inconsolate Melissa about Creepy Pedo Ian’s disappearance.  Spencer arrives home, and Melissa starts screaming at her, telling her that as soon as Creepy Pedo Ian returns FROM HELL! the two of them are leaving town.  Because Melissa DOES NOT want her Satan Spawn baby consorting with the likes of Spencer.  NO SIR! 

Rather than trying to convince their older daughter that their younger one isn’t EVIL, Spencer’s parents just stare dumbly at the wall in front of them.  This prompts Spencer to (correctly) note that, even though the Hastings have TWO daughters, they are only protecting one.  YEAH, SPENCER!  You tell that Crazy Nanny Carrie from One Tree Hill and her two middle-aged minions what’s what!

People Not to Trust #8 – Emily’s Mom (and the Creepy Realtor)

Emily is sitting in her bedroom watching internet porn . . . er .  . . I mean the creepy tape showing Blind Jenna raping Toby.  A realtor comes by.  He’s helping Emily’s mom to sell and/or rent out the house, so that the Fields’ family can go and be with their dad on the army base in Texas.  The realtor seems creepily interested in Emily’s personal memorabilia, like her childhood pictures, and her Wall Height Chart.  And yet, he tells her that she will have to remove all personal affects from her home in order to help it sell better.  Emily scowls . . . eager to return to her Rape DVD.

People We Can TOTALLY Trust #1 – ADORABLE LUCAS!

I smell bromance!

My SECOND favorite scene in this week’s season premiere just so happened to be one of the shortest.  In it, Adorable Lucas drives a Lovestruck Caleb back into town, and drops him off at a nearby hotel.  As Caleb is exiting the car, Lucas leaves him with these parting words, “Listen, I don’t know what you did to Hanna . . . but don’t do it again.”

We now return to our regularly scheduling programing of UNTRUSTWORTHY characters . . .

People Not to Trust # 9 – Shrink Anne Sullivan

I have to say, I don’t blame Hannah the least bit, for preferring Retail Therapy to THIS Grief Counseling B.S., and trying to skip out on the session.  For one thing, why on Earth would the parents agree to let their kids attend grief counseling TOGETHER.  How can a teenager POSSIBLY feel comfortable letting out their deepest darkest feelings, while the three people who’s opinions of them matter most are listening?

Beyond that, I didn’t trust THIS shrink, AT ALL, from the minute she appeared on screen!  And, as the episode progressed further, I grew to trust her less and less.  (Way to give a warm fuzzy message to the kiddies about seeking professional help for mental issues, ABC FAMILY!)

I don’t think it is any accident at all that this counselor’s name is “Anne Sullivan,” as in the noted teacher of blind and deaf heroine and phenomenon, Hellen Keller.  Just out of curiosity, who ELSE do we know that’s BLIND on this show?

Just sayin’!

Anywhoo . . . not much happens during this first therapy session.  The girls just awkwardly rehash how they grew apart, following Alison’s initial disappearance, and reunited, after her body was found.  Ms. Sullivan notes that, under psychiatrist / patient privilege everything the girls say in the counselor’s room is private.  The girls seem tempted to divulge their deepest darkest secrets.  But, ultimately, they don’t. 

And . . . judging by what happens later in the episode, that’s probably a GOOD THING!

Outside the therapist’s office, the girls find a local paper, featuring the four of them on the front page.  To their chagrin, the article suggests that Ian skipped town on Melissa, and the foursome knew about it / attempted to cover it up.  Apparently, Ian’s car was found in the woods, abandoned, with $10,000 stowed away in the backseat . . . i.e the blackmail money the girls attempted to offer Ian during the finale.

SURPRISE!  It’s time for another text from “A.”  This one says, “I spy a liar.”  OK, I’m sorry, A, but that was just lame, particularly for a FIRST post hiatus text message.

The only thing that makes SPENCER feel better about this moment is that Toby seems to be there waiting for her. 

Except, as it turns out, he’s NOT waiting for Spencer . . . he’s waiting to pick up Blind Jenna from some appointment he had to attend. 

(You know, this ENTIRE episode seemed to point to Jenna and Police Boy Garrett working together as “A.”  Of course, knowing this show, this probably means that neither of them are “A.”  Still, this devilish duo DOES seem to always be around when “A” is doing her nastiest deeds.)

People Not to Trust #10 Caleb(?) and Mona (I knew she’d somehow wind up back on this list.)

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 Hannah comes home from an afternoon of shopping and head shrinking to find Caleb waiting for her in her kitchen.  After making sure her daughter is OK, Mama Marin rises to leave the two lovebirds alone.  Poor Hanna is CLEARLY affected by her Virginity Removers unexpected return to Rosewood.  But she stays strong, and tries to remain stoic.  “You not allowed to . . . look at me like that,” scolds Hannah, as the Caleb Puppy Dog Eyes begin to work their magic on her recently iced over heart . . .

FINALLY, Caleb gets to tell Hanna about the Goodbye Letter he gave to Mona to deliver to her.  FINALLY, he gets to tell her how he feels, and how truly sorry he is for SPYING ON HER for Batsh*t Crazy Blind Jenna!  (It SURE took him long enough!)  “Most of my life, I have felt alone . . . even when I was with people . . . until I met you . . .  If you let me, I will make it up to you .  . . I love you,” Caleb explains, his eyes welling up with big hearty man-tears, as he speaks.

Oh, hormones!  How you wreck me!

Though moved by Caleb’s words, Hanna stays strong, unable to get past the VERY personal way in which Caleb betrayed her.  For those of you who have forgotten . . .

*whistles*

Caleb is crushed by Hanna’s refusal to forgive him, and her seemingly cold response to his love declaration.  But he understands why Hanna feels the way she does, and accepts it . . . for now.  “Goodbye, Hannah,” he tells her sadly before exiting the house, for what he probably believes will be the last time. 

It is not until after Caleb leaves that Hanna finally allows those long suffering tears to escape her eyes.

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I’ve gotta be honest.  The whole thing is pretty darn depressing.  And yet, things are about to get worse for poor Hanna!

Our heroine heads immediately to the local coffee shop to confront Mona for failing to give Hanna Caleb’s letter.  I must admit, when Mona first threw away Caleb’s Goodbye Love Letter to Hanna, I was the first one to accuse her of doing it out of petty jealousy.  And yet, upon being confronted, Mona’s assertion that she did it to protect Hannah’s heart from being broken again seemed surprisingly genuine.  (I can’t BELIEVE I’m actually saying something nice about Mona today.  What’s wrong with me?)

That being said, those MASSIVE Eiffel Tower earrings and that CLOWN lipstick HAVE TO GO!

Hanna wasn’t about to forgive Caleb, and she’s CERTAINLY not going to forgive her best friend for HER betrayal.  For a split second, I actually found myself feeling bad for Mona, who, let’s face it, really doesn’t have any other friends to fall back on, after this.  But then THIS happened, and ALL that good will, I had just built up for Mona went flying RIGHT OUT THE WINDOW!

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HOLY MOTHER OF UGLY CATERPILLAR EYEBROWS!  Mona is swapping spit with Bushy Eyebrows Noel!  Hell has obviously frozen over . . .

People Not to Trust #11 – Crazy Nanny Carrie Spencer’s Sister, Melissa

Remember back when the PLL girls orchestrated a date night for Emily and Maya, when their parents wouldn’t let them see one another? 

Well, as it turns out, Emily is ready to return the favor, by orchestrating a little secret date time at HER house for Spencer and Abs Toby.  Spencer prepares for her Big Night Out by stepping into something a bit sluttier more comfortable . . .

So, of course, Cockblock Melissa has to come in and RUIN EVERYTHING!

GRRRR!

Apparently, Melissa suffers from some kind of Multiple Personality Disorder.  Just a few hours ago, she was AFRAID TO LET SPENCER NEAR HER BABY, afraid that the mere proximity would cause her precious child to contact Pretty Little Cooties.  But now, suddenly, Melissa is the PERFECT Big Sis, promising not to rat Spencer out for going on her secret date, and telling Spencer that she “believes her” about Ian.  “I know he would NEVER leave me to bang more underage chicks, like Ali, and you, and Blind Jenna,” coos Melissa nauseatingly.

She then lets Spencer in on a little secret, the name of her future child.  It’s “Taylor.”  Damn it!  That was going to be the name of MY future child, if I ever decided to have kids.  Well, SCRAP THAT!  (By the way, remember this little tidbit of info, because it’s going to become important later.)

Suddenly, Melissa wants to know EVERYTHING about Spencer’s adventures with “A.”  (How convenient!)  Not able to say no to her SHREW of a sister, who so rarely acts like a human being, that Spencer really must take advantage of the rare moments when this occurs, the younger Hastings sister reluctantly texts Emily to cancel her date with the Tobster.

Back at Emily’s house, Toby does carpentry work for Emily (OK, when did the character formerly known as Creepy Toby suddenly become the PERFECT SPECIMEN of man). 

And though he is clearly disappointed about being ditched by his girlfriend, the Tobster still manages to share a sweet moment with Emily, promising her that all is forgiven between them, and that the two will still be friends, even after she leaves for Texas.  (Repeat after me:  AWWW!)

People Not to Trust #12 – YOURSELF (around a Shirtless Fitzy)

SQUEE!  It does SQUATS TOO!

So, remember when I told you that the Adorable Lucas scene was my SECOND favorite one in the hour.  Well, THIS one was my favorite.  This, of course, had nothing at all to do with the dialogue between Aria and Ezra, and EVERYTHING to do with THIS . . .

OK ladies!  For those of you out there who have EVER tried to make the argument that Fitzy and Aria have NOT done the deed yet, this episode should absolutely, positively prove you WRONG!  Because here’s the thing, had Aria not ALREADY made herself EXTREMELY familiar with Fitzy’s “goods” there is NO WAY IN HELL that she would have been able to carry on a semi-intelligent conversation with him for three minutes, while he was looking LIKE THAT!  It’s scientifically impossible!

Holy heck!  Who knew THAT was underneath all those geeky sweatervests and button down shirts Fitzy always wears.  If I was a guy and looked like him, I’d never wear clothing AT ALL!

But I guess I should at least somewhat mention the conversation that took place in this scene.  Fitzy thanks Aria for coming to see her.  He encourages her to talk about all the crap that’s going on in her life.  He promises her that she is not alone, because she has him, basically saying all the right things to get back into his girlfriend’s panties good graces.

Then Fitzy allows Aria to play Twenty Questions with him.  She starts peppering him with questions about his relationship with Jackie.  Was he on the rebound, when he met her?  He says he wasn’t.  And yet, he WAS technically still in love with Jackie, on that fateful day when Aria and Fitzy banged in the bathroom . . .

Hmmm . . . interesting.

Fitzy realizes he probably screwed up by saying that, so he uses his poetry skills to try and dig himself out of the massive hole into which he just dug himself.  “There is not one moment when we were together when I was ever thinking about ANYBODY other than you,” he offers.  “You know what I love about Saturdays?”  He adds.  “It’s looking up and realizing we have the WHOLE DAY to be together.”

Well played, Fitzy.  But, unfortunately it wasn’t enough.  When everyone’s favorite Naked English teacher asks Aria to spend the day with him, she declines.  She doesn’t even agree to CALL him the next day.  OUCH!   Maybe the sex isn’t that good?

 As Aria is leaving Fitzy’s place, she gets  a text from “A.” 

It’s a photograph of Fitzy’s home office.  Apparently, “A” has removed the spare key from under his mat, and took the liberty of letting him or herself inside.  I vaguely recall Police Boy Garrett snatching that key last season.  Intriguing . . .

People Not to Trust #13  – THE WORLD!

Together once again, the PLL’s make a joint decision to spill their guts to Shrinky Dink Anne Sullivan.  They even plan to show her the Rape DVD of Blind Jenna (wonder how Abs Toby would feel about that), and the Snuff Porn Ali and Ian film, both of which are currently stored on Emily’s computer.  (Note: Important.)  The foursome schedule an appointment with Shrinky.  However, just when they are about to show her the video, Hannah notices an interesting diploma on the wall.  It’s Fitzy’s.

I have to admit, when I first noticed the diploma, I didn’t make the right connection.  My first thought was that Anne Sullivan was Fitzy’s MOM!  (Though now I see, the age difference is a bit too small for that.)  After a few moments, however, I realized what the PLL’s did.  That “A” had clearly stolen Fitzy’s diploma, and put it in Anne Sullivan’s office, as a warning to them against spilling the beans to her about what they knew.

The question is, who else, aside from the PLL’s would realistically make an appointment with a grief counselor, in order to have access to her office.  Once again, all signs point to Blind Jenna . . .

“It always comes back to me, doesn’t it?”

Suitably freaked out, the girls rush out of Shrinky Dink’s office, making sure to take Fitzy’s diploma with them.  This pisses off La Shrinka ROYALLY, and she responds by telling all the PLL’s parents that they shouldn’t hang out together anymore.  WOW, that’s pretty much the WORST ADVICE a grief counselor could give a group of girls who are EXPERIENCING LOSS, DON’T TRUST ANYONE, and ASIDE FROM ONE ANOTHER FEEL COMPLETELY ALONE.  And yet, all the PLL parents think this is a FABULOUS idea.

No wonder teens don’t listen to their parents!  The adults on EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY teen-oriented show I watch SUCK SERIOUS ASS!

I am REALLY hating this Shrink Lady.  So, much so, that when she was getting stalked as she left her office, I was kind of hoping “A” would kill her.  Except “A” would never do that, because Shrink Lady is CLEARLY in cahoots with “A.”  Because, think about it WHO ELSE would want to separate the PLL girls, so that she or he can work on them separately and make their lives miserable.  It wouldn’t be the first time “A” tried to break up the PLL crew!

Be afraid, PLLs!  Be very afraid!

Speaking of afraid, Spencer is home alone, and hears a noise in her kitchen.  For a few dreamy seconds there, I was kind of hoping it was the same person who made the NOISE in her kitchen LAST TIME this happened!

Come back, Dr. Wren!  I MISS YOU!

But Spencer’s had kind of a bad day.  So, she doesn’t think her intruder is Drunk Wren, at all.  Rather, she’s convinced it is SOMEONE TRYING TO MURDER HER.  And so she takes a page out of the Scream handbook, and does THIS . . .

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Except the Psycho Killer actually ends up being ABS TOBY!

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(Hey, Spencer got to make use out of that slutty top, after all!)

“I had to see you,” Toby whispers in Spencer’s ear sweetly, as the two rush into one another’s arms for a tearful embrace. 

I really do heart these two.  I especially loved when Toby left the house after sex with Spencer their date, and protectively told Spencer to “lock the door.”  Spencer’s response, “yes sir,” was so flirtatiously cute, and so “un-Spencer,” it totally gave you an idea of how smitten these two individuals are over one another.

Alas, things in the Hasting’s household can never stay sweet for long!  Spencer soon finds a new text message on her sister’s cell phone (Why did that asshat leave it home, after she JUST got it back?).  It’s from a blocked number.  The text says something about the person not being able to tell Melisssa his or her whereabouts, because it is “not safe yet.”

A freaked out Spencer, immediately texts all the PLL’s with an SOS.  The foursome sneak out of their houses and meet up in a random greenhouse.  (Who the heck has a random greenhouse, in Rosewood?  Just sayin’.)  The girls immediately wonder whether IAN is alive and well, and texting Melissa.  To test this theory, they ask him a question they ASSUME only Ian would know, the name of his future child.  The texter responds correctly, “Taylor.”

It’s ALLLLLIIIIIIIIVE!

Except, to be honest, I’m not entirely sure that text WAS from Ian.  After all, considering how much “A” knows about all the girls that nobody else does, who’s to say she couldn’t have picked up that specific piece of information about the name of Melissa’s future baby.  Regardless, the PLL girls are understandably pissing in their pants now.

But the real kicker comes at the end of the episode when GLOVED HAND reappears.  This time he or she has made an appointment with the Fields’ realtor to see their house.  While there, the person ERASES EMILY’S ENTIRE HARDDRIVE, including all the incriminating DVD’s thereon. 

OK, I’m sorry, but Emily must be a friggin moron.  Why the HELL would you leave your VERY VALUABLE laptop out in the open when LOTS OF RANDOM people would be stopping by to SEE YOUR HOUSE?  Didn’t what happened to Spencer’s laptop at the dance last season teach you anything? 

More interesting than Emily’s stupidity though, is the fact that Gloved Hand HAS to be an adult.  After all, a Realtor wouldn’t in good faith show a home for sale to a TEEN, like Jenna, Mona or Noel, would they?  This little clue would serve to point a finger to some of the OLDER suspects on the show, like, for example, Police Boy Garrett, Ali’s brother, Jason, Anne Sullivan, or even Fitzy.  Then again, “A” could still be a teen who merely HIRED someone to do this for him or her.

“OK . . . now, I’m totally confused!”

And, there you have it:  our first Season 2 PLL episode, in a VERY LARGE nutshell.  Did it live up to your expectations?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

27 Comments

Filed under Pretty Little Liars

27 responses to “Text Messages of the Damned – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ Season 2 Premiere “It’s Alive”

  1. CRAZYLOVE345

    Man I have missed talking PLL with you, KJEWLS! 3 months without the weekly sarcasm and wonderful drooling over shirtless guys…it’s like living in 3 months of unfunny, guys with shirts hell. Just saying! So I have been counting down the SECONDS to read your hilarious recaps again!
    I know I have said that I will never love Caleb. How many times? Many many many many times. However, in this premiere, I sort of fell for him. He is really becoming more of a sensitive guy and being able to tell the girl he loves that he loves her. Though I am still rooting for our Luanna ship to finally set sail!
    Can Toby get any more adorable? I mean, he’s trying to see Spencer, and gets the door shut in his face (Second favorite quote of this episode was what he told Spencer’s dad: “I would never do anything to hurt Spencer.” Just ADORBS!) Then he goes and rekindles his friendship with Emily and tries to be the very best friend he can be to her. Then Spencer thinks that hes an ex murderer or something as he makes a very Wren entrance into the house. May I mention that she grabbed the same knife? Or at least my ADD memory think she did. Anyways, Toby is becoming a very close tie to being my fave guy on the show. I am also a compulsive liar, because my Shirtless Ezra will always be my #1.
    I always wondered what the scene would be like if Ezra were to shed the button down shirt (it’s mentioned A WHOLE LOT in my fanfic) and show off that beautiful chest. When he opened that door, I stopped breathing until the scene changed. I could have sworn and gone to Shirtless Fitzy heaven! I was so glad I was alive to witness that beautiful scene. *Door Opens/Heaven has arrived*
    Now for the sad part. I have said this many times before (I think I’ll be saying this for the rest of eternity) that Ezra is my kind of guy (and one of the things I love is a willingness to shed the shirt.). Sweet, sensitive, funny and knows how to make the girl he loves the most wonderful person in the world when her world is falling into little pieces. So when my little Ezzy was like, “I’m here for you too.” I was thinking (if not yelling at the TV):”Aria, forgive the man already! He’s as close to perfect as you can get! Look at him and picture him without his shirt like I am doing right now!”(Had to add the last part. Just couldn’t help myself. I just love that English teacher so much!) But she’s like, “I don’t want to talk about it with you.” Now I am not a crier. I can count on my two hands how many times I have cried over a TV show. When Ezra heartbreakingly whispered, “Are we over?”, my little Ezra-Swelled heart took a dive into the deepest pits of sorrow. I cried. Yep, PLL is turning me into a total weiner. So, hopefully Ezra is able to overcome Jackie and the need for a shirt in the next few episodes.
    Every episode of Pretty Little Liars, I have a barf worthy moment. And I can announce that the “Mona and Noel Spit-Swapping” won this week. I literally gagged into my hat. Just….ick!
    I will leave you with these thoughts: Caleb is growing on me, Lucas is still my choice to lick Hanna’s gelato, Toby is still frigging awesome and the SECOND best guy on the show, Ezra needs to lose his shirt more often (Hee Hee) and that Ezra is still 1000% (yep! at first that was a typo. Now I sort of like it) trustworthy for me. And at the season finale, I told you I wanted to push Ezra off a cliff. Now all I want to push him is into my house (again. *tee hee*). I think all will be fine in the Ezria relationship (and if it not, you’ll have to deal with my complaining on this wonderfully blog)
    Hilarious as always and hopefully you get some Dr. Wren soon, because I am really looking foward to hearing his beautiful English accent again. Haha! See ya next week!
    My weekly gift to you~

    • Aww, that’s so sweet! I missed talking PLL with you too, Crazy Love! It’s been WAY too long, since we drooled over the boys on this show, and snarked over the girls in it who AREN’T part of the Fab Four (like, for example Mona, Blind Jenna, and all those LAME parents). 🙂

      Like you, I felt really bad for Caleb this week. Don’t get me wrong, Hannah has every right to feel betrayed. And if the past year has taught her ANYTHING, it’s that, when you put your trust in someone, you will probably get burned. Yet, Caleb has already taken MAJOR strides from the snarky technology thief / car wrecker he was in early episodes. I do really feel like he’s fallen in love with Hannah, and that love has changed him. (Uh Oh! This show has gone and made me cheesy! ;))

      I mean, just having to come back to down, and sit in the kitchen with Hannah’s mom had to take a TON of courage, and pride swallowing, on Caleb’s part. And the speech he made to Hannah about always feeling alone, until he met her? That couldn’t have been easy for him to admit.

      OMG, you are SO RIGHT! Spencer ABSOLUTELY used the same KNIFE when Wren came into her kitchen, as she did this week with Toby. That’s one GOOD EYE you have there! 🙂 Here, check it out!

      How HILARIOUS is that? I wonder if the similarities were intentional, or if the writers simply forgot that they had written that same scene before! 🙂
      But, yeah, as you said, Toby was PERFECTION this week. (The PLL girls may have sucky lives, in many respects. But when it comes to love interests, the Man or Woman Upstairs, sure has been KIND to them in the Boyfriend department, if you catch my drift. 🙂

      You know what’s funny? I know you have always been WAY bigger Fitzy fan than I am. But I had the EXACT same response that you did to Shirtless Fitzy. From the second he opened the door, I found myself mesmerized by his body. I just kept waiting for Aria to gawk, or wipe drool off her mouth, or something! But, she never did. The whole time they were talking, I was thinking to myself, “How is Aria POSSIBLY able to carry on an intelligent conversation with THAT HOTNESS right in front of her?” She MUST have superpowers!

      I don’t know why, but I always pictured Fitzy as being kind of scrawny underneath those sweater vests. Maybe it was because of those pasty scarecrow legs he sported in Early Season 1 (Remember, when he rode the bike outside, during episode 2 or 3?). But WOW, was I WRONG! Skinny, he I MOST CERTAINLY NOT! Color me SUPER IMPRESSED!

      Oh, and thank you SO MUCH for the MuchMusic promo. I was up SO LATE writing this recap, that by the time I finished, I didn’t have the energy to start combing YouTube for promos to post. Luckily, you did my job for me! Is it just me, or does the MuchMusic promo guy have a bizarrely funny voice? I know he was trying to be all SCCAAAAARRRY about delivering his monologue, when he said “TRUST . . . NO ONNNNNNEEEE.” And yet, for whatever reason, I just couldn’t stop laughing, after he said it. I’m sure that wasn’t the marketing department’s intended effect of the trailer . . . 🙂

      Nevertheless, I’m very curious as to who was trying to beat up poor Aria? (That’s new! Usually, it’s Spencer or Hannah getting the physical abuse.)
      We’ll chat soon, I’m sure! 🙂 Thanks again, as always for your fun, funny, and fabulously fangirly commentary! I had a ton of fun fun reading and replying to it.

      • CRAZYLOVE345

        Yeah, so about Wren being Mr. Doctor now, I searched four some spoilers and then this popped up:
        http://prettylittleliars.us/photos/displayimage.php?pos=-30929
        I thought you may enjoy it. I was like, “Hmm…if I love KJEWLs, I’ll post this on the blog for her.” So yeah. YOUR WELCOME!

      • SQUEE! THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! YOU ARE THE BEST! 🙂

        *tackle hugs CrazyLove45 through the computer screen*

        How hot does my future husband look in Scrubs! (And they are so easy to take off too! ;))

        I just wish that pesky “Getty Images” label wasn’t obscuring his sexy stomach. But, hey, I guess we can’t get everything we want, now can we. 😉

        So, I was thinking about that Dr. Wren picture, and the one of a not-pregnant-anymore Melissa directly adjacent to it, and an idea occurred to me: How funny / incredibly awkward would it be if WREN ended up being the doctor who delivers Melissa baby?

        I can just picture him saying something like, “Wow, Missy, you sure MOVE ON, fast!” in that super sexy accent of his. Of course, he’d be too much of a gentleman to say that. But it would be pretty hilarious, if he did. And of course, when Melissa is giving birth, Spencer will be there too! Watch out Abs Toby! You’ve got competition, again! 😉

  2. sassyfran

    Hey finally made it over her I been looking for the episode to watch again but I am so glad you did the recap. It was AWES as usually LOL. I found the episode just now some kind of viewing party thing with Ezra and the person who writes the books. I am going to work on my recap or review. I loved yours hun as I always do. The pics of Shirtless Toby and Ezra were a NICE Touch……oh yeah. Oh and I had some Ideas about who A might be……check my recap to see them.
    xoxo
    Sassyfran

    • Hey there, Sassyfran! Thanks so much for your kind words. I’m so glad you liked the PLL recap. And, of course, I can’t WAIT to read yours to see what your “A” theories are.

      By the way, the offer still stands. If you want to do a liveblog together for the season finale of this show, just say the word, and I’m SO there. (Yes, I realize we still have PLENTY of time, as this was just the first episode. But, hey, it never hurts to think ahead!) 🙂

    • P.S. Now that you have a WordPress blog, you might want to get into the habit of being “logged in” to the site, when commenting on other WordPress blogs. This will create a hyperlink between your name in the comment, and your blog. This way, people who like what you wrote in the comments, can click on your name, and read more of your stuff.

      It’s a great way to increase your readership. 🙂 And your awesome recaps, definitely deserve to be read by EVERYONE. 😉

      No pressure. Just a small hint, from someone who’s been around the WordPress block, awhile. 😉

  3. daaaaammmn, Aria got cooter popped right quick, in that promo.

    in response to the actual episode that aired:

    omgomgomgomg Ezra! wtf, why is Blind Jenna EVERYWHERE, you would think she would have?! I hate the Hastings family. Toby’s Abs = still creepy but its cute that he likes Spencer. Chief Powhatan and Hanna should just kiss and makeup, and then do another rain dance in the woods. No shrink who drives a Toyota could afford Chloe shoes or Tory Burches…and to top it all off PEDO IAN (check out his breakout role in The Luck if the Irish from Disney, looks like someone stole his pot o’ gold – probs sticky fingers Mama Marin) IS STILL KICKIN!

    • Hey Brittany! Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting. Your comment definitely cracked me up, particularly the part about Chief Powhatan, Hanna and the “rain dance” in the woods. Hmmm . . . “rain dance,” is that what the cool kids are calling it, nowadays? 😉

      Also, good point about the disconnect between the Shrink’s expensive clothing and lame car. 🙂 I think Hanna noticed that too. As for me, I always wear cheap shoes, and probably couldn’t distinguish a Manolo from a Payless. 🙂

      Though shrinks can make A LOT of money, if they have the right clients, Anne was just described as a “grief counselor,” which isn’t necessarily the same thing as an actual psychiatrist. So, if SHE doesn’t have a medical degree, maybe she earns money for her shoe collection through “less honest” means (payment for “rain dancing,” perhaps ;)). I wouldn’t put it past ANYBODY on this show not to be who they say they are. 🙂

      All in all, it was an intriguing start to PLL’s second season. Here’s hoping there’s a whole lot more romance, mystery, and hot shirtlessness in the second episode. 🙂

  4. sassyfran

    You know I never would have noticed the shoe thing either. I also never noticed how much of a clothes horse that Hannah had been. I would have expected that of Aria but not Hanna. I think I am going to try to watch Season one again somehow some where some time soon LOL. OH I think its early bed time for me tonight its almost 2:30 am. See you all laters 🙂

  5. :)

    Great Blogg!!!

    I am sorry to say, especially to all the Ezra fans, but his body was awful….more flab compared to abs. But i am pretty biased because i despise Ezra, so i was persnally gleeful when they were practically breaking up! When Ezria relationship is gone, there will be more scences for Hannah and Spencer…and Em.

    Also one question!

    Did Jason move into his old house, which is actually Maya’s new house? IDK i was watching and became super lost. I mean where did the Germin’s go

    Anywayss great recap, and sorry for being a Hater (Ezra sucks)!

    🙂

    • Hey there, 🙂 !

      Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting. Do you hear that growling sound? That’s the sound of all the diehard Ezria fans who just read your comment. 😉

      No worries though! That’s one of the cool things about this show. There is a love interest to crush on, and a couple to SHIP, for EVERY fan. So, if one boy doesn’t do it for you, another one, most definitely will.

      That being said, if you tease MY Wren, when he returns, I might not be quite as forgiving. 😉

      You bring up a REALLY great point about Jason! We know that Maya is away at bible thumping / de-gaying camp. However, it was never mentioned that her whole FAMILY moved away. After all, they had just moved IN to Alison’s house in the pilot episode. It seems odd that Maya’s family would know Jason well enough to let him stay with them in their house. Besides, isn’t he in his early 20’s? Why can’t he get his own place to live, or crash with friends?

      I really do hope the writers explain this for continuity sake. I think they will. I’ve read from a few sources that Maya will return this season. And if she’s living with Jason, we will probably hear about it.

      Thanks again for sharing your theories with us!

    • Jennifer

      First off…. Ezra is hott and does not suck ( but honestly I did chuckle reading that because I have never seen a fan that hates Ezra)!!!!!!

      Thanks kjewls for the blog! I never noticed how funny the show actually could be, I don’t know how you do it but keep up the good work (wow i sound like a teaacher).

      Again with 🙂 i have a theory!

      Thinking of your question actually made me remember when Jason was stalking the girls through the window (episode 15?) and he was watching them in the neighboring house which is Alison/Jason old house. Yet it is now Maya’s house…
      My theory is that the house we saw during the premire isn’t Maya’s house because I don’t think they actually stated that Maya lives next to Spenc. Even though the books say that…..actually nevermind I am really confused now?!?!?!?!

      Well Maybe I should just wait for the Jason Thing

      • Hi Jennifer! Thanks so much for stopping by and for your kind words. I’m so glad you enjoyed the recap, and that it made you smile. 🙂

        You bring up a good point about Jason. I always knew that the girls lived in the same development. Yet, I was never 100% sure where their respective houses were in relation to one another. We knew, based on the pilot episode, that Emily lived next to Ali and, later, Maya. Spencer, I think, lives next to Toby, based on the flashbacks from the “Jenna Thing.” But that’s all I know. I could never figure out where Spencer and Emily lived in relation to one another, or where Aria and Hanna lived in relation to them.

        But I guess it IS possible that there is ANOTHER house in the area, that Jason purchased? It seems like it would be a bit of a random coincidence for that to happen, but it’s definitely possible. That being said, I actually kind of like the idea of Maya’s family KNOWING Ali’s family enough to let Jason bunk at their place, as that would open up the possibility that Maya is more involved in the whole “A”/ “Who Killed Ali?” storyline than one would initially think.

        Here’s hoping we learn more about the “Jason Thing” on Tuesday! 🙂

      • Hi my Pretties! I just wanted to put a note out here, to let you guys know that my Episode 2 recap is well underway, and will definitely be posted by this evening! I just got a bit . . . sidetracked. *blushes* Thanks for your patience! – kjewls

  6. Giu

    I have a theory on how did the person texting our PLLs at the end of this episode knew that Mellissa’s and Ian’s son/daugther would be named Taylor. Right before he/she answers, Spencers says the name out loud to the other girls. Someone who was spying on them right that moment could’ve heard it and then answered correctly!
    Anyways, how I missed this show. My favorite part, by far, was Lucas’ scene. I WANT HIM FOR MY OWN! How can Hanna resist that sweet puppy eyes and his heart-melting smile, I do not know.
    Anyways, thanks for a wonderful recap! See you next week 😀

    • Hey Giu! Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting!

      I love your theory! “A” always seems to be watching the PLL girls. So, it is perfectly conceivable that she or he could have followed them into the Greenhouse. Also, assuming Ian IS dead, whoever killed him, now has his body and whatever personal belongings he had in his pockets and in his car, the night he went to the church. So, it’s also conceivable that Ian had something there with the name “Taylor” on it, like a t-shirt for when the baby is born, or a wall-hanging or something.

      Also, I am in TOTAL agreement with you about Lucas! He is just adorable. Don’t get me wrong, I LIKE Caleb, and think he’s sexy. But there is just something about Lucas that makes me smile.

      Oh, and LUCAS would NEVER agree to spy on Hanna for a creep like Blind Jenna. He’d just never do something like that to the woman he loved . . . or to any woman, for that matter. Just sayin’ Caleb! 😉

      Thanks again for your awesome commentary, and for swapping theories with me. I definitely look forward to talking PLL with you this season. 🙂

  7. Team Ezra Fitz

    Alison’s brother was also shown SHIRTLESS! It was in the first season when Spencer went to visit him. He was running up and down the bleaches remember? 🙂
    With all this SHIRTLESSNESS, it’s about time that they show what Fitzy’s been keeping hidden under all those adorable sweater vests! 😀

  8. Team Ezra Fitz

    Please disregard my last comment about Jason also being shirtless. I didn’t finish reading this review, thus I did not realize that you already had a picture of him at that very scene! I’m sorry for my mistake! 🙂

    • No worries, Team Ezra Fitz! Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting. I had a feeling this PLL episode would be one of your favorites! Lets hope Shirtless Fitzy becomes a regular staple on the show. That man rocks his nakedness, HARD! And I mean that in a good way! 🙂

      • Team Ezra Fitz

        Hahaha yes he does! I hope there are more shirtless Fitzy episodes! That would be AMAZING! Who knew all of THAT was hidden under those adorable vests! 😀

  9. My main beef with Ezra Fitz at this stage is that he has a sweater vest addiction to rival Will Shuester. His shirtlessness left me strangely indifferent, kind of like whenever Duncan Kane shedded clothing. I’m neither attracted nor repulsed by him. Something about the character makes him asexual for me. Maybe it is because, despite having the most sordid storyline on paper (hooking up with a student), it is kept EPIC!!!!1! tween!romance! in its portrayal, so sexiness like the stuff we saw in the bathroom between Aria and Ezra is played down.

    I adored the fact though that you momentarily stopped the recap in its track for a reel of shirtless Fitzy images. I love interludes like that!

    I’ve officially decided that what I love most about Abs Toby is his kissing style. I don’t know what it is, but the actor just has this cute way of smishing his lips with Spencer’s that makes me swoon and giggle like I was back in high school. It’s proof that soft, sweet kisses can be just as sexy, if not more so, than full on make out scenes.

    I love that Torrey Wesley’s (lucky duck marrying Paul Wesley!) claim to fame will forever be playing Crazy Nannie Carrie on OTH. She’ll never be able to top that role in my eyes 🙂

    • LOL. See, Cherie, you’ve always been a more distinguishing admirerer of the nude form than I am. 🙂 You know the shape, texture, taste, size, and color of the perfect male specimen. And you have a knack for describing your personal preferences with intelligence and eloquence. Now, me, on the other hand . . . As you know, I’ve always been a bit of a TV Whore, when it comes to male shirtlessness. If it’s not too hairy, or too bulky (either through flab or muscle), it’s PERFECT, as far as I’m concerned. Perhaps, this just means I need to get out more. 🙂

      That being said, I giggled at the Duncan Kane reference, because, oddly enough, he never did it for me either, TV Whorishness aside. 🙂

      Great point about Abs Toby. It kind of makes you wonder if the way Toby kisses Spencer is his Signature Kiss, or if that kiss somehow reflects his comfortable, yet, intense, connection with HER alone. Kissing can be interesting in that way. Because I feel like the first time a guy kisses you, it’s ALL HIM. He’s doing what he’s been taught to do through however many women he’s kissed before you. But the SECOND time he kisses . . . if he’s a GOOD kisser that is . . . now, THAT kiss is just for you! Because the BEST KISSERS tend to be the ones who are the most responsive to the women they are kissing, and the needs they subtly express with their mouths.

      Of course, TV kisses are probably the most choreographed kisses on Earth. So, it’s tough to say whether Toby kisses are REALLY Toby kisses, or Producer Kisses, made to look sweet and pretty for PLL’s sake. And yet, I’d like to think that the “REAL” Abs Toby won’t kiss anybody in precisely the same way he kisses Spencer. 🙂

      LOL . . . and yeah, Torrey will never NOT be Crazy Nanny Carrie to me. How could ANYBODY forget that Wackadoo? She makes the villains in those Lifetime movies seem sane! I think it’s in the eyes, mostly. Girlfriend has some CRAZY EYES! (Sorry Torrey and Paul, but it’s true! :))

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