Is that a Smith and Wesson in your pocket, or are you just happy to see my MASSIVE WEAPONS STASH?
Welcome back, were-lovers! This week on Teen Wolf, we got to: (1) meet Allison’s “wacky” family; (2) learned about her . . . um . . . unique “hobbies;” (3) got to make fun of lacrosse a little bit; (4) were introduced to the fabulous comedic stylings of the Derek /Stiles duo (PLEASE get these two crazy kids their own Buddy Cop Movie, MTV!); (5) and, last, but DEFINITELY, not least, we FINALLY got to see DEREK HALE . . . SHIRTLESS!
Well, I’m excited. (Stiles is obviously excited.) Are YOU excited? Let’s got on with the recap!
Meet Aunt Kate – The Werewolf Slayer
I would hereby like to submit for your approval the new promotional poster for the National Rifle Association.
Now, I never thought I’d say this, but the writers of THIS MTV show are SMART!
Yeah, I said it. These guys (and girls) clearly know their audience. They know that most of us have seen HUNDREDS of horror movies, and supernaturally-inclined television shows, and know all the cliches, and predictable plot twists by heart. And yet, rather than steering completely clear of these, the writers of Teen Wolf use them to their advantage, by taking our expectations and turning them completely on their head.
Case in point: the opening scene of this episode. We are introduced to a woman we have never seen before on this show. She is ALONE in her car. It is the middle of the night. She is absent-mindedly singing to music on the radio, and openly SCOFFING news reports of animal attacks. She is fixing her makeup, when she should be watching the road. In short, she is the quintessential RANDOM FIRST KILL in EVERY HORROR MOVIE YOU HAVE EVER SEEN.
Pssst . . . there’s someone behind you.
Cue the Intensely Creepy Music, and “that strange feeling that someone is watching you.” A car halts in front of her, and the “character” we think of as Future Lunch Meat swerves, just barely missing it. She breathes a sigh of relief, thinking she’s safe. On the couch at home, we laugh at her naivety, counting down the seconds to her inevitable demise. “Nice, not really knowing ya,” says TV Recapper out loud, at this point in the show.
Then it happens. The wolf jumps on the top of Future Lunch Meat’s car, breaks the glass of the driver’s side window, and reaches in and grabs her. There is a girly scream, and a struggle follows. We wait for Future Lunch Meat to inevitably be dragged out of the car, her body quickly devoured, and tossed to the side of the road, mangled and bloody, her eyes frozen open in the Horror of Death.
For those of you who watch The Vampire Diaries, doesn’t Aunt Kate sort of resemble Dead Jules?
But Future Lunch Meat somehow manages to fight off the wolf, and emerges from her car unscathed. A-ha! The FAKE OUT! We think to ourselves. Surely, she is going to get it NOW. She walks to the trunk of her car, opens it, and . . . HOLY CRAP! It’s got a weapons cache inside that would make Tony Soprano PROUD!
Now, Future Lunch Meat is shouting threats at an unseen wolf. Plus, she’s not exactly being conservative about the bullets in her gun, shooting wildly in the air like a crazy person. But as we’ve seen from her trunk, she doesn’t need to be stingy. Girlfriend’s got bullets to spare. She might make it out of this scene alive, yet!
Back at the Argent House, Evil Were Hunter Dad skips out at 2 a.m. He tries to leave without waking up Allison, but fails. She wonders where he’s going. Does Daddy have a Lady Friend? Is he cheating on Mommy? I wouldn’t put it past him. After all, you’ve got to admit, for an evil sociopath dad-type, Papa Argent is KINDA HOT!
But Evil Were Hunter Dad tells Allison he has to pick up Aunt Kate, who is having some “car trouble.” Ohhhhh . . . so Future Lunch Meat is “AUNT KATE,” which means she isn’t future lunch meat at all! Damn you, MTV! You tricked me!
As it turns out, the Argent family aren’t the only ones who are alerted to Aunt Kate’s “car trouble.” Apparently, Alpha Wolf has some sort of lo-jack tracking system on his ass. Because, the next thing you know, both Scott . . .
. . . and Derek . . .
WILF = Wolf I’d like to . . . 😉
. . . are on the scene.
Unfortunately, at some point during the shooting spree, Alpha wolf gets away. But Aunt Kate doesn’t give a sh*t. She’s out for BLOOD. Scott, hides himself in a warehouse, and manages to avoid the melee . . .
But Derek isn’t so lucky. He gets a bullet in the arm, which you would THINK he’d be able to release from his body right away. But the bullet remains. And the wound begins to fester . . .
Now, of course, a Big Brooding Bad Wolf like Derek isn’t going to GO TO THE HOSPITAL like us NORMAL
SMART HUMANS. That would be too easy too risky, what with his big WERE-PARTS just waiting to be discovered and shipped off to a lab for testing! Nope. If Derek wants to heal his infection, he’s going to need help of a non-medical sort. And he’s running out of time . . .
DON’T DIE, DEREK, YOU SEXY BEAST!
Back at the Argent household, Evil Were Hunter Dad does not seem particularly sympathetic toward Aunty Kate’s BRUSH WITH DEATH. He’s more concerned about how her graduation from the Scarface School of Animal Hunting . . .
. . . will negatively impact his campaign to ERADICATE ALL WEREWOLVES FROM PLANET EARTH.
Geez! Allison’s dad is not exactly Mr. Warm and Fuzzy, now is he? Nonetheless, I found the conversation between Evil Werewolf Hunter and Aunt Kate intriguing, in that it seems to fly in the face of my theory that a member of the ARGENT family is the Alpha that bit Scott. I still think they could be werewolves though . . .
We cut to a scene where Allison and Aunt Kate are hanging out in the guest bedroom, and we know instantly that these two are pretty close. Aunt Kate is one of those adult types who tries DESPERATELY to be cool, and fit in with the teens. Sound like anybody YOU know?
Kate starts telling Allison what a “Runway Model” she has become. She also informs her that she shouldn’t settle for ONE boyfriend, when she can have an ENTIRE SCHOOL of them. Thanks, Aunt Kate! Way to teach your niece to be a TOTAL WHORE! That comment is going to bite you in the ass, later in this episode, Auntie, just so you know!
But Aunt Kate shows her true colors, when Allison starts digging in her BULLET BAG, practically tackling the poor teen, before she can closer look at what’s inside. This makes Allison, who was already suspicious of the strange circumstances surrounding her Aunt’s midnight arrival, even MORE suspicious. She asks her aunt about the “car trouble” she had the night before. “I just needed someone to jump start my car,” remarks Auntie Big Fat Liar. Recalling, that her DAD explained that Aunt Kate had a FLAT TIRE, Allison makes one of her trademark, “I’m confused” faces . . .
“My GOD! This guy is EVERYWHERE!”
Coincidentally, if Derek Hale was a vampire, this is probably what he would look like ALL THE TIME!
At school, we get a bit of a recap of the end of last week’s episode, as Stiles helpfully asks Scott all the questions lingering in our heads about who bit him, what the deal is with Derek, and what the f*ck constitutes an “Alpha?”
While this is happening, some test gets passed back to the class. Stiles aces it (naturally), but Scott gets a D minus, thus confirming fans’ suspicions that our hero isn’t exactly the sharpest crayon in the box.
It’s OK, Dude! People who look THAT good naked don’t need to have brains too . . . In fact, if they did, it wouldn’t be fair to the rest of us average-looking folk.
Stiles offers to help Scott study for the next exam. But Scott already has a study date . . . Allison. Stiles wisely notes that the ONLY studying Scott will be doing during that date is a scientific analysis of how Allison’s tongue tastes. But Stiles is ALL FOR IT! He is TOTALLY Team Allison. He wants Scott to get some nooky, so HE can live vicariously through him. Personally though, I think Stiles is only saying this, because he’s secretly angling for some threesome action . . .
Outside class, a wounded Derek lumbers the hallways, all menacing and zombie-like, looking for Scott. Of all people, Derek decides to ask Alpha Male Douchebag JACKSON where he can find his new trusty puppy friend. And you know Jackson! He’s all “I’m going to find out what Scott is hiding, if it’s the last thing I do.”
So, immediately, Jackson takes one look at the bullet-ridden, near-death, strung-out looking (but, oddly enough, still SUPER hot) Derek, and quite rationally assumes the stud muffin is Scott’s DRUG DEALER. “You might want to lay off your own merchandise, because you look wrecked,” notes Jackson, not entirely unkindly. (By the way, when did they fix Jackson’s locker? Didn’t Scott just completely demolish it last week?)
Then Derek starts bleeding all over the floor, and doofus Jackson still thinks its wise to strong-arm the guy, even though he’s twice his size, and looks like he has the EBOLA VIRUS. (“Gee! There are so many intelligent men on this show!” She says, sarcastically.) Despite being HALF-DEAD, Derek is STILL able to push Jackson into the lockers. He scratches the teen’s neck, leaving a big bloody gash across it.
Is that enough to infect Jackson with the werewolf virus? Well, that’s a story for another episode . . .
“I’ll just tell everyone it’s a hickey!”
Using his super-sensitve werewolf hearing, Derek overhears Scott and Stiles talking about him. He also overhears Allison and Lydia . . .
Lydia thinks Allison should prepare for the possibility of Hot Wolf Sex with Scott. Allison feigns shock. “After ONE date?” She asks incredulously. And yet, considering girlfriend has been ALL OVER Scott like cheap cologne ever since the pilot episode, we know that she is, in the words of those mental midgets from that show, The Jersey Shore, D. T. F.
“If you impregnate me, will I give birth to a litter?”
School’s over. (That was FAST!) Stiles is in his car, while Scott is on his dorky bike. (AGAIN! FRIENDSHIP FAIL! DRIVE YOUR BUDDY HOME FROM SCHOOL, STILES! His bike can fit in the trunk!) Zombie Derek staggers out in front of Stiles car. “My GOD! This guy is everywhere!” Stiles yells out, comically, taking the words right out of fans’ mouths. Derek then proceeds to literally roll over and play dead doggie, right in front of Stiles’ car . . .
“I’ve fallen. And i can’t get up!”
Stiles and Scott immediately rush to their “new pal’s rescue.” Undoubtedly, getting back at his buddy for failing to give him a ride, Scott quickly shoves the rapidly decaying body of Derek Hale in Stiles’ passenger seat, while he skips off on his “study” date with Allison. The selfishness on this show, apparently, knows no bounds.
“Behave for the babysitter, son. Daddy will be back to pick you up, as soon as he gets laid.”
Now conscious, a weakened Derek informs Stiles and Scott that he has a bullet in his body with the Argent name all over it . . . a bullet for which Derek’s werewolf powers are no match. “A silver bullet?” Stiles asks, clearly having done his Googling Werewolves homework for the evening. Derek rolls his eyes, informing us that THIS part of werewolf lore apparently doesn’t apply to our story.
Always one to accentuate the positive, Scott tells Derek that he overheard Auntie Kate telling Evil Were Hunter that with the bullet inside of him, our Sexy Beast has only 48 HOURS TO LIVE!
But WAIT! There’s hope! If Scott can somehow locate the TYPE of bullet that hurt Derek in time, Derek can cure himself. HOORAY! But the clock is ticking . . .
Allison finds Scott in the parking lot, and wonders why he suddenly seems all buddy-buddy, with Derek, the same guy, Scott freaked out about, when he found out he had driven Allison home from the party.
“Feel totally free to invite your hot drug dealer friend over to my house. I can think of lots of ways the three of us could entertain one another.”
Scott avoids the question, and tells Allison he will meet her at her house. Then he RIDES OFF ON HIS BIKE, while Allison gets into her car. AGAIN . . . why is NOBODY offering to give this poor kid a ride! I mean, him and Allison are going to the SAME place for crying out loud! Now, that’s just rude!
As Stiles drives away, with Derek in the car, and Scott rides off into the sunset on his trust bike, Alpha Male Douchebag Jackson . . . wait for it . . . WATCHES SUSPICIOUSLY.
DUDE! Get a HOBBY!
“These are a few of my favorite things.”
Allison is shocked to find that Scott has arrived at her home at the same time as her, despite the fact that she DROVE IN HER CAR, while he followed behind her on his lame two-wheeler. Scott fumbles through an excuse, and Allison notes that Scott has been “acting strange all day.”
Upstairs to Allison bedroom they rush, books in hand. Scott notes to his chagrin that, despite having lived in Beacon Hill for a month, his new girlfriend still hasn’t unpacked. Allison doesn’t want to talk about this, so she quickly sticks her tongue down Scott’s throat, and her hand down his pants. She then pushes him roughly onto the bed and straddles him.
Well . . . that’s ONE way to avoid an uncomfortable conversation.
Things get hot and heavy REAL fast for Scott and Allison, so much so that Scott quickly finds he has to contend with THESE . . .
The werewolf version of a boner?
Fortunately, Scott gets a text on his cell phone, before he gets a chance to rip his girlfriend’s face off. It’s Stiles. “Dying Sexy Guy stinking up my car! SOS!” He texts . . . or something like that.
But there is NO WAY Scott is going to let a little thing like a SUPER DANGEROUS DYING MAN in the passenger seat of his BEST FRIEND’S car get in the way of his cuddle time with Allison. So, Scott lamely texts back that he “needs more time” and goes back to doing . . . what he’s BEEN DOING, which is most certainly NOT searching for the Magic Bullet that will save Derek’s life.
NO ME GUSTA!
Back on the Dying Werewolf Roadtrip, the stench of death is becoming rather overpowering in Stiles’ car, as he tries to drive the wounded Derek back to his ramshackle house. Just so you know, Derek! I’d be happy to help you out with that pesky Death Smell, by giving you a good old-fashioned shower. Just take off your clothes. I’ll gladly handle the rest . . .
(And might I say, the green screen effect they used to make Stiles look like he was actually driving, was REALLY LAME. I half expected to see flying toasters and purple dinosaurs outside his window.)
“NO! I will not make out with you!”
But Derek doesn’t want to go home, and he doesn’t want to go to the hospital. He wants to show his bloody bruise to an incredibly nauseated Stiles.
“Is that contagious? You should probably just get out,” remarks Stiles, in between gags, as he pulls over to the side of the road.
Then Derek shows us, for the first time, that he actually does have a sense of humor, by uttering what was undoubtedly the FUNNIEST line in the entire episode. “Start the car . . . or I’m going to rip your throat out . . . with my teeth,” he snarls.
Yes, I understand that Derek wasn’t AT ALL kidding, when he said that. But, you have to admit, it was pretty damn funny! And Stiles’ petrified facial expression in response? CLASSIC!
Bet you are wishing you had your trusty fire extinguisher now. Don’t ya, Stiles?
Back at the Argent House, Allison is unpacking in front of Scott, showing him pictures of Auntie Kate, and allowing him to examine her Hobby Box. Apparently, Allison sucks at a lot of things . . . like art . . . and poetry . . . and photography. But you know what she’s good at?
SEX bowling, gymnastics, and . . . BEING A MURDERER. Allison LITERALLY takes Scott to the Gun Show, when she brings him to her garage, which is FILLED with assorted guns and bizarro weapons. She even takes out a crossbow and aims it right at his head. (Foreplay?)
Apparently her dad is an “arms dealer for law enforcement.”
Riiiiiight! And if you believe that, than I am proud to inform you that you just won $100 million dollars in the TV Recappers Lottery. Just mail me your address, and I’ll send you a check in 3 to 5 business days.
Stiles texts Scott again. Derek has taken a turn for the worse, as it seems. But Selfish Horndog Scott is too turned on by Allison’s
breasts crossbow to care. The pair start making out again, right in the middle of all those lethal weapons. Then Daddy comes home, and he wants help with the groceries. He also wants Scott to LEAVE . . . NOW!
But don’t you worry, Scott! Auntie Kate is here to the rescue. And even though SHE is a guest in the house herself, Cool Aunt K has NO QUALMS WHATSOEVER about inviting her niece’s boyfriend over for dinner. Suddenly, Evil Were Hunter Dad is VERY EAGER to spend some bonding time with his prospective future son-in-law . . . “You eat meat?” Daddy Dearest inquires.
Euthanizing Rabid Dogs . . . and other Warm and Fuzzy Stories to Tell at the Dinner Table
“Did I ever tell you about the time that I chopped up my daughter’s ex boyfriend, and served him to the family as steak?”
Now, I’ve seen Meet the Parents . . .
So, I KNOW awkward boyfriend/ girlfriend dinners. But this one pretty much takes the cake. First, Daddy-o starts testing Scott, by offering him liquor, and asking if he smokes pot. He then starts TOTALLY bashing on lacrosse, by basically calling it a low-rent version of field hockey, snidely noting that Scott’s so-called “brilliant plays” only occurred in the final moments of the game.
“I’m getting angry. And you wouldn’t like me, when I’m angry.”
Basically, I think Evil Were Hunter Dad is trying to piss Scott off enough that he will wolf-out at the table, just as he tried to trigger Derek’s bad temper, last week at the gas station. Scott doesn’t take the bait, however. Instead, he politely excuses himself to use the restroom.
“If you weren’t grabbing my crotch under the table, I would totally be decapitating your dad, right now.”
Our hero sneaks off to the garage and calls Stiles, who is now with Dying Derek at the animal clinic. (Do they just not lock that place, ever?) Derek reminds Scott that he HAS to find the bullet, not just for Derek’s sake, but for his own. “The Alpha called you out last night, against your will. Next time it will expect you to kill with it. You have to kill it or be killed.”
Now, that Derek has shown Scott how the situation will effect HIM, suddenly he’s more intent on finding the bullet used to shoot Derek. But it won’t be easy. “This place is the Walmart of Guns!” He complains. Unfortunately, Walmart’s Employee of the Month Auntie Kate finds him snooping, and she
wants to f*ck his brains out is not pleased.
“Why go for the GIRL when you can have the WOMAN? We BOTH like violence, which means we can be as rough with eachother as we want.”
Scott sheepishly apologizes for mistaking the garage for a bathroom. But as soon as Kate leaves, he heads to HER room, starts snooping through her bags, and finds EXACTLY what he’s looking for.
Now, you know what I generally do, when I’m snooping through somebody’s bag that I shouldn’t be. I CLOSE THE BAG SO THAT NOBODY KNOWS I WAS SNOOPING. But not brilliant Scott! He takes the offending bullet, slips it into his pocket, and LEAVES KATE’S BAG WIDE OPEN. Why? Because Scott’s a MORON, that’s why! What do you expect from a D minus student?
“I’m not a moron! How could I be a word I don’t even know how to spell?”
Back at the dinner table, conversation moves to Scott’s work at the animal clinic. So, Daddy Argent, ever the story teller, launches into a “fun for the WHOLE family” story about a sweet dog who gradually succumbed to madness, after having been bit by a rabid animal, and eventually had to be shot. I think I saw that movie. It was called Old Yeller. Anyway, the parallels between the dog’s situation and Scott’s were pretty obvious. Evil Were Hunter is like a predator toying with his prey. One wrong move from Scott, and he’ll pounce.
Speaking of pouncing, on the way out of the house after dinner, Aunt Kate stops Scott and not-at-all-subtly accuses him of stealing something out of her bag
like, say, a Magic Bullet. She even goes as far as to ask Scott to empty his pockets and prove that he didn’t steal anything. Allison then surprises everybody, by announcing that SHE was the one snooping in Kate’s bag. She then proudly holds up her contraband for all to see, including her dad. It’s . . . wait for it . . . a condom.
A very relieved Scott dashes off on his bike to save Derek. But is he already too late?
You Hump that Floor, Derek HALE!
As soon as newfound bromantic buddies Derek and Stiles enter the animal clinic, Derek rewards us for sticking with the show for this long, by IMMEDIATELY peeling off his shirt.
For those of you who have been waiting to see Derek’s “assets” since the show began, rest assured, he does NOT disappoint. What’s better, Wolfman has the COOLEST black back tattoo I have EVER seen. If anybody was lucky enough to get a screencap of it, PLEASE SEND IT TO ME, ASAP. If you do, I promise I will send you all the sexy Damon Salvatore pics your heart desires, in return.
As time runs out for Derek, he is running out of options. If Scott doesn’t get to the clinic with the bullet soon, Derek will die. But Derek has a plan to save his own life, and it involves . . . STILES CHOPPING OFF HIS INFECTED ARM?
“Haha! That’s HILARIOUS! Wait . . . you’re serious?”
Stiles initially refuses. But then Derek starts coughing up blood and black bile. “My body is trying to heal itself,” he explains.
“Well, it’s NOT DOING A VERY GOOD JOB!” Stiles exclaims. (LOVE HIM!)
With no time to waste, Stiles reluctantly agrees to chop Derek’s arm off. He’s got the blade ACTUALLY touching Wolfman’s skin, when Scott FINALLY arrives, bullet in hand. “Thank you for saving me from a lifetime of nightmares,” remarks Stiles gratefully.
So, Scott hands Derek the bullet. And . . . Derek drops it into a grate, before falling unconscious on the floor. (Nice catch, Wolfman!) Now Derek is writhing on the floor half-naked. And it would be truly upsetting, if it werent’ so gosh darn sexy . . .
I’ve never wanted to be a floor so bad in my whole life.
When Derek falls completely unconscious, Stiles revives him by . . . get this . . . PUNCHING HIM IN THE FACE. If only ALL medical emergencies were that easy.
But there is still the little problem of the escaping bullet. Scott reaches into the grate, but can’t reach it with his HUMAN nails. So, instead, he does this . . .
That’s actually kind of gross, when you look at it up close like that.
Speaking of simple remedies to SERIOUS ailments, Derek must have read some kind of Werewolf Cure-all Handbook, back in the day. Of course, he instantly knows to light the offending bullet on fire, and push the ashes into his arm. And POOF! Derek is magically healed! THE SEXY BEAST LIVES! YIPPEE!
Now that they have saved his life, Scott and Stiles want that pesky shirtless Adonis out of their lives for good! They would gladly throw their lot in with the Evil Werewolf Hunters over the likes of the Lone Wolf. But Derek needs Scott’s help to defeat the Alpha. And so, he decides to show Scott once and for all how heartless Allison’s family truly is, and what SHE will eventually become.
Derek takes the twosome to the local hospital where the one surviving relative of the fire that killed most of his family lives out his days in a catatonic state, half his face charred beyond recognition.
Derek and his sister were not in the fire, only because they were at school at the time it took place. And we all know what happened to Derek’s sister.
Scott argues that, having been at school, Derek cannot be sure if it was the Argents who started the fire. However, Derek is certain. “They were the only ones who knew about us,” he explains. “They said they would only kill adults, and only with proof, but there were some people in that house who were completely normal,” Derek explains. *shivers*
Back at Allison’s house, Evil Were Hunter Dad and Aunt Kate continue to plot to take down the Alpha, while Allison leaves a voicemail on Scott’s cell phone, and finds weird diamonds on the driver’s side window of Kate’s car, which happens to be wear she suffered the werewolf attack.
“Ooh! These would make really pretty earrings. Score!”
And there you have it. The “Magic Bullet” in a nutshell. Tune in next week, to watch Jackson and Lydia lose their minds, hopefully as a result of an overload of Sexy Derek and Scott Shirtlessness. Hey, a girl can dream, right?