Sookie in Wonderland – A Recap of True Blood’s Season 4 Premiere “She’s Not There”

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You’re not dreaming, my fellow Fangbangers!  True Blood is back on your television, and it’s weirder, wackier, more bizarre, and — if that final scene was any indication — SEXIER than ever!

Season 4’s premiere episode definitely had a different feel than the three seasons premieres preceding it.  Unlike the last two season openers, which began almost immediately, after the prior seasons ended, “She’s Not There” took a page out of the Sookie Stackhouse Book Series, in that it takes place ONE WHOLE YEAR after the Season 3 finale.  This gives the viewer, who ALSO hasn’t been to Bon Temp in about a year, the feeling that he or she watching the episode take place in “real time,” so to speak.

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“If we drive fast enough (and don’t stop for gas . . . ahem), we can make it home in time for the season premiere.”

Another “page” Alan Ball took out of the books this time around, was its narrative perspective.  One of the main differences between the Sookie Stackhouse BOOKS and True Blood is that, while the former is written in Sookie’s voice (shrill, as it may sometimes be) . . .  the latter is told from a third-person omniscient standpoint, allowing the viewer to see and know plenty of things that Sookie doesn’t.  Here, however, because both Sookie AND the viewer have been gone for a year, we’ve ALL been left in the dark, as to what’s been happening in Bon Temps, while we’ve been away.  As a result, throughout the first episode, we are learning all the CRAZY, SOMETIMES RIDICULOUSLY OUT OF CHARACTER, changes Sookie’s friends have undergone this past year, right along with Sookie, herself.  And most of the time, it leaves us just as confused as she is . . .

Given all these aforementioned book / television similarities, it might surprise you to know that, based on the premiere episode, Season 4 of True Blood might end up being the season that takes the BIGGEST departure from the book series yet.  And the best example of that is probably the COMPLETELY wackadoodle manner in which the episode begins . . .

“I see Queen Mab hath been with you, Sookeh!”

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“Why do I feel like I just walked into a commercial for feminine products?”

Coming into the episode, most of us Fangbangers had already seen the extremely controversial first eight minutes of this episode, as HBO had (unwisely?) released it to fans a few weeks before the series premiere.  I’ll come right out of the gate, and tell you I wasn’t particularly thrilled with it.  While I understand the writers might have seen this as the best way to keep Sookie out of commission for a year, while drawing on an element of the True Blood mythology we haven’t learned much about yet, I just found the scene itself strange, oddly derivative (the Lotus Eaters and Romeo and Juliet references were eyeroll inducing) . . .

 . . .  and sorely lacking the fun, humor, creativity, sexuality, and camp, we have come to expect from True Blood.

*takes deep breath*  OK . . . now that I got that off my chest, let’s frolic a bit in Fairyland, shall we?

When we last left Sookie, she was running in the forest, when Fairy Girl Claudine beamed her up into Fairy World . . .

You can fly.  You can fly.  You can FLYYYYYYYY!

As I mentioned earlier, at first blush, Fairyland looks like a cross between Ancient Greece and a Tampon Commerical.   Sookie and Claudine arrive there in a flash of light, and everybody applauds.  (They probably think Vampire Eric or Jason will follow behind them.  Unfortunately, they don’t . . .I don’t know about the fairies, but if I was there, I’d probably feel majorly ripped off.)

 Claudine then informs Sookie that she is her Fairy Godmother.  Of course, Sookie, being Sookie, is not shy about telling her “new friend” how much she sucks at her job.  Given all the crap Sookie has been through during the past three seasons, fans are inclined to agree with her assessment.

Next time, try hiding her in a pumpkin.”

While in Fairyland, Sookie runs into good ole’ Barry the Bellhop.  Remember him?  The dweeby fellow mindreader she met in Dallas during Season 2?  Apparently, he’s part fairy too.  But honestly, I was so mesmerized by the hot piece of man meat who functions as HIS fairy godmotherfather? that I wasn’t paying attention to poor Barry at all .  . .

Apparently, Sookie was in the bathroom, during the Fairy Godmother selection process . . .

Barry starts blabbing to Sookie about how TOTALLY RAD Fairyland is, as its the only place that doesn’t make him feel like a “Total Freak.”  (Umm . . . hate to break it to you, Barry.  Your best friend is a Fairy Godmother, who wears a loin cloth and a sparkly gold vest.  You’re kind of a Total Freak, anyway.)  When Sookie asks Barry how long he’s been in Fairyland, he says he “just got there,” a statement we will come to question in just a few more minutes . . .

As the two are talking, Sookie notices that all the fairies are handing out these strange glowing lotus flowers fruits called Lumineres(?), and all the humans are mindlessly gorging themselves on them.  This sends off warning bells in Skeptical Sookie’s head, and she holds on to hers, without taking a bite.  Meanwhile, Sookie encounters another familiar face Gary Cole Grandaddy Earl, and, by golly, he hasn’t aged a bit since Sookie last saw him. (Gasp!  Maybe he’s a VAMPIRE!)

He did manage to get rid of those pesky squiggly lines around his head though . . .

Granddaddy Earl is SUPER surprised to see Sookie looking all grown-up and sporting boobies, considering he was just at her seventh birthday party.  “That was twenty years ago, Grandaddy!”  Sookie exclaims.

“HUH!” Grandaddy Earl says.  “But I JUST GOT HERE!”  (See what I mean?  Who KNOWS how long Barry the Bellhop has been hanging out with Conan the Hot-barian?)

Now, if you thought THAT conversation was awkward, wait until you see what Sookie has to tell Grandaddy next . . .

“I’m sorry Granddaddy, but that ugly shirt you’re wearing wasn’t even in style, 20 years ago.”

Granddaddy wants to know if his wife, Adele, had a “PEACEFUL” death  . . .

 

Ummm . . .

“She died peaceful,” replies Sookie.  (No sense reopening old bludgeonings, right?)

Considering that Granddaddy Earl, like Sookie, is seemingly capable of mind reading (guess, in the TV series, at least, he is part-fairy too), you would think he might have pulled the above gory image out of Sookie’s brain.  But, fortunately, for him, he didn’t.  Sookie is able to use their mutual mind-reading powers to tell him that Fairyland is a trap, and that they have to leave.  The problem?  ALL FAIRIES HEAR WHAT SHE IS THINKING!

Enter the Big Bad Fairy Queen . .  .

Her name is Queen Mab . . . like in Shakespeare?  (Lame . . . I know.)  Anyway, apparently, she’s a little pissed at Sookie for that time when Vampire BEEEL accidentally got stuck in Fairyland, after chasing Sookie there, last season.

Now, she wants to close off the portal between Fairyland and Humanland, so her fairies will finally stop f*&king humans, and making fairy / human hybirds, like Barry, Sookie, and Granddaddy Earl.  Oh yeah . . . she’s also keeping the hybrid humans in Fairyland so she can .  . . HARVEST THEM?

Well, Sookie, for one, is not down with this harvesting sh*t!  And she doesn’t want to eat any stupid lotus flowers glowing fruit, either.  So,  she tosses the fruit on the floor.  And somehow, this action, causes the TRUE Fairyland to emerge from the Tampon Commercial Version.

 

When did I stop watching True Blood, and start watching The Walking Dead?

So, fairies are apparently SUPER ugly in real life.  And Queen Mab is THE UGLIEST OF ALL!

Coincidentally, this is sort of what I look like in the morning, before I put on my makeup . . .

Sookie shoots her magic glow fingers at Queen Mab, which, oddly enough, considering you would think ALL the fairies had glow fingers, seems to work.  Then her and Grandaddy Earl start running away from Fairyland, as the rest of the fairies throw bolts of light in their direction.  As they are running they meet Claudine’s brother, Claude, who claims to genuinely want to help them, escape, and keep the portal between HumanLand and Fairyland open.  In the books, Claude is described as breathtakingly gorgeous.


Ahhhh . . . did I miss something here?

“Hot” Claude, Granddaddy and Sookie continue to run together until they reach a metaphoric fork in the road  . . .

OK . . .  maybe it’s not so metaphorical.

Claude tells Sookie that Queen Mab is closing off the portal (possibly for good).  So, if Sookie wants out, she’s going to have to jump.  And because, ONLY SHE, and NOT Granddaddy Earl refrained from eating the lotus flower Luminere (?) fruit, she’s going to have to jump alone.  Sookie hesitates initially, because . . . well . . . that doesn’t look so safe.  But, fortunately, Granddaddy Earl pushes her down the “Rabbit Hole,” ignoring Claude’s warnings, by going along for the ride . . .

As the pair “land” back in the cemetery, both Bill and Eric awaken simultaneously, upon sensing Sookie’s presence on Earth, once again .  . .

Wake up, Eric!  Your future F*&k Buddy has arrived!  (And, no, unfortunately, I’m not talking about myself.)

Sadly for Granddaddy Earl, his decision to leave Fairyland has resulted in his imminent death, but not before he gives Sookie his pocket watch, as a gift for Jason.  Earl disappears from Sookie’s life, literally.  And she is forced to mourn his passing yet again.  It all makes for an odd, strange, and sad first ten minutes of the episode.

But fear not Fangbangers, things are about to get better . . .

Cuff Me, Police Officer Jason!  (Preferably to a bed . . . and YOU.)

“You are under arrest.  Up against the wall and SPREAD EM!”

Sookie arrives home to find her house all fixed up and fancy.  Apparently, it’s undergoing renovations, and the contractor performing them, refuses to believe she LIVES THERE.  In fact, he’s so sure she doesn’t that he CALLS THE COPS ON HER ASS.  Thinking absolutely nothing of the fact that her HOUSE HAS COMPLETELY CHANGED, Sookie sits down at her kitchen table, reads the inscription from Adele on her grandpa’s pocket watch, and cries, in a manner highly reminiscent of her Season 1 breakdown, after Adele’s funeral.

Then the cops come . . . or should I say the SUPER HOT COP comes . . .

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OK . . . now I know that last season, Jason was riding around in cop cars, following Andy around, and genuinely wanting to be a police officer.  He even took the cop exam, for crying out loud!  But forgive me for thinking that the only time we would ever actually see Jason in a cop uniform would be as a stripper at a bachelorette party . . .

So, color me surprised to find out that Jason (and his SUPER TIGHT POLICE PANTS) has been called to Sookie’s house, while  on duty, to investigate a trespassing call.  Sookie is pretty shocked too, and even more shocked to learn that Jason PUT HER HOUSE UP FOR SALE, because she’s been gone for TWELVE MONTHS!

Time flies when you’re hanging out with the flipping fairies, I guess!  At first, Jason doesn’t exactly believe Sookie’s explanation as to where she’s been all this time.  (He’d always kind of been convinced that Bill killed her.)  However, Jason eventually comes around when Sookie gives him the pocketwatch from Granddaddy.   And suddenly, this show has gone from Tampon Commercial, to The Walking Dead, to Alice in Wonderland, to a Hallmark Commercial, and we aren’t even past the 15-minute mark yet . . .

“This is exhausting!  I’m not sure how I’m going to make it through the rest of this episode.  You know what would help though?  SEX WITH ERIC!”

Speaking of the  Beautiful Viking Vampire (and that Other One) .  . .

“I Never Gave Up Hope (that we would some day get to reenact the shower scene from Book 4)

“Beat it, Beeeeel!  This is MY season!”

Sookie’s and Jason’s kind of maudlin, would be way more interesting if Jason was shirtless during it touching heart-to-heart is rudely interrupted by the arrival of Vampire Bill (a.k.a. Beeeeeeeeel) on her doorstep . . .

Beel is all needy and apologetic.  “Oh, how I’ve missed you.  I haven’t felt your presence in a year.  I’ve been empty without you.  Now, people can finally stop saying I killed you.  I’m so sorry I hurt you, blah, blah, blah . . .”

You are putting everybody to sleep, BEEL!

Fortunately, Eric arrives on Sookie’s porch to spice things up . . . 

Not yet . . . BUT SOON!

Unlike BEEL, Eric never doubted that Sookie would one day return to his bed Bon Temps.  “I never gave up hope,” he says.  “Understand this . . . everyone who claims to love you: your friends, your brother, even Bill Compton, gave up on you.  I never did.”

It’s an AWESOME opening speech for Mr. Northman.  And Bill can’t help but look guilty as he says it, knowing full well that what he’s saying is true.   Even Sookie, though she tries to hide it, seems affected by the speech.  Then again, maybe she is just remembering ANOTHER sexually intense encounter she had with Eric on this very same porch, just last year . . .

Enter Andy Bellefleur . . .

He’s EXTREMELY ANGRY at Sookie for wasting Bon Temp’s finest’s time searching for her, while she was presumed dead.  Vampire Bill, who’s in the doghouse enough as it is, tries to cover for Sookie, claiming she was away on “Vampire Business” . . .

.  . . which only seems to make things worse for both of them.  After everybody leaves the porch, Sookie tells Bill that, even though a year has passed in Humanland, little time has passed in Sookiehead.  Therefore, the wounds of learning that Bill MANIPULATED SOOKIE INTO FALLING IN LOVE WITH HIM, IN ORDER TO GET HER TO DO QUEEN SOPHIE ANNE’S BIDDING are still quite fresh.  Sorry Beel!  No more graveyard sex, for you . . .

Also in this scene, we learn that (1) Andy and Jason are now partners; (2) Andy has been taking V for “medicinal” purposes to help heal his broken arm; and (3) he’s apparently developed a nasty addiction to the stuff.  After so many seasons of seeing Andy “father” the often naive and immature Jason, it was intriguing to see the tables turned, for a change.

After all, if ANYBODY knows what it’s like to be addicted to V, it’s Jason Stackhouse . . .

Remember the Unfortunate Priapism Incident of Season 1?


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Jason does!

Speaking of bromance . . .

Where Old Air Fresheners Go to Die . . .

There’s been somewhat of a mixed response on the message boards, regarding Lafayette’s NEW ‘DO.  Some think it’s “super sexy.”  I think it makes him look like Mr. T . . .

I pity the fool, who tries to rock this look.”

A year may have passed.  However, Lafayette (or, as I like to call him, My Laffy Taffy . . . or Laffy, for short) and Jesus are still going strong.  But trouble for the couple is looming on the horizon, as Jesus becomes increasingly insistent on Laffy “embracing his witchy roots” and joining Jesus’s coven.  Lafayette reluctantly agrees to go . . . but only for five minutes.  “Ten, if they got drinks,” he adds.  (I KNEW I LIKED THIS GUY, FOR A REASON!)

The coven meeting place reminds me of one of those stores in the mall, where they sell bongs, and peace signs t-shirts.  It’s dank, and dark, and looks like it smells of incense, mildew, and body odor.  The stench of the place emmanates from your television screen.  No wonder Lafayette remarks that this is a place where air fresheners go to die . . .

There are hugs all around, as Jesus introduces Lafayette to the rest of the Motley witch crew.  One of the coven members, is Holly, who you may remember from last season as the Witchy Waitress who tried to perform a spell to kill Arlene’s unborn Devil Baby.  And we all know how well THAT worked out . . .

I sure hope you are better at serving burgers than doing this . . .

The “head” of this coven is a frumpy, doubty, scatterbrained, 50ish coot, named Aunt Petunia from Harry Potter “Marnie.”

Definitely a Deatheater!

Marnie starts moaning, mumbling, chanting, and pretty much looking like your run-of-the-mill Faux Psychic Carnival Kook.  However, things take a turn for the weird / unusual / mildly confusing, when she starts calling out for our Laffy, claiming to be Vampire Eddie from Season 1.  She offers Mohawk Man a rose, and pretty much just shamelessly hits on him, in a way that only Vampire Eddie could . . .

Remember me?

Lafayette is understandably freaked out by the whole “Eddie” thing, but still fairly skeptical of Marnie’s Magical Powers.  In fact, he’s pretty much convinced that Jesus set up the whole thing.  The problem, of course, is that Jesus didn’t know anything about Vampire Eddie. 

I don’t guys, if I were you, I’d stick to the Ouiji Board . . .

Speaking of Dangerous Games . . .

Decapitating Barbies, Mutilating Animals, and Other Signs Your Kid Might Be Evil

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Arlene comes home from work to find Baby Mikey sitting on the floor amidst a whole boatload of headless Barbie dolls.  (How creative?)  This only seems to confirm for Arlene that her Baby is Serial Killer Rene Reincarnated.

Terry, who was in the bathroom, while his infant son was busy murdering the entire Mattel family, doesn’t think there is anything wrong with his son’s new hobby.  “When I was a kid I used to put squirrel heads on lizards,” he remarks helpfully.

Ummm . . . yeah . . . that’s kind of /sort of A LOT WORSE than pulling the heads off Barbie dolls, isn’t it? 

It’s always the quiet ones you have to worry about.  (Then again, maybe it’s just the quiet ones, who come with Warning Labels.)

I must admit, I laughed uproariously when Terry told Arlene that her baby HAD to be good, if it had part of HER DNA in it.  Really, Terry?  Because, last I checked, Arlene was a pretty darn awful person . . . racist, self-absorbed, narrow-minded, obnoxious, a kind of lousy mom .  . . Do I need to continue?  At least, Rene was SMART.  (I mean he faked that really cool accent for an entire season, didn’t he?)

Speaking of taking heads off ladies . . .

Tara Thornton Kicks Ass, Takes Names . . . Changes Teams?

After having been beaten down by her own mother, possessed by a maenad, emotionally destroyed by the death of her first love, and abused by Crazy Train Vampire Franklin . . .

. . . Tara kind of went off the rails a bit, at the end of Season 3.  The last time we saw her, she had chopped off all her hair, and was heading out of Bon Temps to Parts Unknown.  When we see Tara again, she is fighting in a cage match, and beating the stuffing out of some chick named Naomi. 

Apparently, all this beating is a HUGE turn on for Tara (yeah, because THAT’S not unhealthy at all), because, in the next scene, we see her making out hard core with SAME girl she was beating senseless before . . .

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While the pair are making out, some drunk pervy creeper in a long trench coat, propositions them for sex.  Naomi wants to immediately kick his ass, but TARA STOPS HER, and calmly tells the guy off. 

For me, the fact that Tara is able to calmly talk to ANYBODY is WAY more shocking than her newfound interest in the ladies.  In a later sex scene between the two toned chicas, we learn that Tara has lied to Naomi about her past.  She now goes by the androgynous name of “Toni,” and claims to hail from Atlanta.  After Lafayette texts her to let her know that Sookie is back in town, she fibs to Naomi that her grandmother just died.  Then, when Naomi tells her she should go “home” to be with her family, Tara refuses, arguing that she is better off where she is now.  She then returns to the task of fondling Naomi’s large (but miraculously still perky) boobs .  . .

How to Make an Omelete – Vampire Style

The Honeymoon Period is clearly over for lovebirds, Hoyt and Jess.  She seems bored and listless.  He’d rather hug creepy bald dolls in front of the television after work, than have sex with his hot vampire girlfriend.  Hoyt complains to Jessica that there is never any food in the house, because she never cooks for him.  As someone who’s idea of “cooking,” is poking a hole in the plastic wrap on my Lean Cuisine, before popping it in the microwave, I’m TOTALLY on Team Jess for this one. 

It is seriously not fair, how flawless she looks.  It makes the rest of us females look like . . . Queen Mab.

Jess reminds Hoyt that, as a vampire, she finds food gross, and, oddly enough, dead.  To her, going to the Piggly Wiggly is like going to the morgue.  (I’d probably feel that way too, if my local grocery store was actually called the Piggly Wiggly.)  Hoyt responds with, what I think, is an unnecessarily low blow, by telling her that he thinks her biting him and sucking his blood is equally gross, but he deals with it.

OK Hoyt . . . just so we’re clear . . . getting love bites from your supermodel girlfriend is SEXY AS HELL, and don’t you forget it!

Nonetheless, Jessica responds by agreeing to make Hoyt some scrambled eggs.  And by “make some scrambled eggs,” I mean she angrily breaks an entire carton of eggs over a frying pan (making sure to leave in all the shells), stirs it furiously, and plops it on a plate in front of her honey.  Now, I’ve been mad at Hoyt for the past few minutes.  But he earns major points for me by ACTUALLY EATING THE SLOP off his plate!

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The brazen stunt must have won points with Jess too, because, before you know it, the two are laughing uproariously over the broken eggs.

“Am I the only one who finds that personally offensive?”

In other Diplomacy News . . .

“We always look forward to serving humans . . . and I don’t mean for dinner.”

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Apparently, Russell Edgington has gone and given Southern vampires a bad name.  Gee, I wonder why . . .

Head of the Vampire council, Nan Flanaghan, is determined to do some damage control, and that means requiring prominent vampires in the community to reassure humans that they will not punch their fists through their back, and rip out their hearts, just because THEY CAN. 

Nan puts Pam on camera first.  However, since the latter isn’t exactly Miss Congeniality, the PSA comes off as a bit stale and phony.  (By the way, anyone notice a bit of love/hate sexual tension between Pam and Nan?  I’m sensing a hookup later this season!)  Fortunately, Nan has other ideas, regarding how to put a better “face” on vampirism.  “He’s who I want,” remarks Nan, pointing at Eric.  (Don’t we all, Nan.  Don’t we all!)

With a boatload of confidence and a sexy swagger to boot, Eric playfully removes Pam’s microphone from her neck, flicks her hair, and takes her place on the hot seat . . .

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Eric expertly plays to the masses, calling himself a taxpaying small business owner (not a politician), who understands humans, because he used to be one.  He then promises to continue to serve humans at Fangtasia . . . but not for dinner.  It’s a great speech, and Eric’s sexy smile at the end, seals the deal.  How ANYBODY could hate vampires, after spending three minutes staring at Eric Northman’s face is beyond me.  (I couldn’t even remember my name, by the time he was done.)

Meanwhile, Vampire Bill was making a similar stump speech for the older, more conservative crowd, in Bon Temps.  His speech, appealed to their sense of history, their fear of change, and their desire to stick to the status quo.  It was Southern Gentleman Bill at his most boring best.  One not-so-old person who seemed to genuinely enjoy Vampire Bill’s speech was Portia Bellefleur.  Andy’s sister just so happens to be a local attorney, and head of the chamber of commerce.  Throughout the entire speech, she was eye f*&king Vampire Bill so hard, I thought she would give birth to vampire babies right there in the audience.

Oooh . . . tell me more about the Civil War, Vampire Bill!  It is SO SEXY!”

Our suspicions about a possible romantic involvement between Portia and Bill are confirmed, when Portia meets with Sookie later to help her get her house back from the company that has been prepping it for sale.  During the conversation, Sookie reads Portia’s thoughts, and they are basically one continuous string of “BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL.”

To each her own, I guess . . .

Speaking of men, who may have temporarily moved on from trying to get into Sookie Stackhouse’s panties . . .

Sam Merlotte – Mad Like a Bull, Hung Like a Horse

Over at Merlotte’s everyone is thrilled about Sookie’s return . . .  except Sam.  He’s just PISSED.  We find him griping at Poor Sookie, about how selfish she was for, you know, almost dying and stuff.  (Granted, Bill’s dumb as dogsh*t “Vampire Business” excuse hasn’t put Sookie in the best light.  But STILL . . .  Girlfriend’s been gone for a year.  Pull your thong out of your ass, Sam!)  “A lot has changed around here, since you’ve been gone,” whines Sam.

“Yeah, you’ve gotten a lot more prickly,” replies Sookie.

As it turns out, a lot HAS changed in Sam’s life since he SHOT HIS HALF BROTHER in a drunken rage, last season . . .

Tommy Boy is now permanently disabled . . . has a TERRIBLE Elvis Presley Haircut . . . and currently lives with . . . MAXINE FORTENBERRY?

A lot of people thought the union of Maxine and Tommy was weird, and kind of creepy.  It ABSOLUTELY IS!  However, the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. 

Maxine is a woman who doesn’t feel whole, if she doesn’t have a boy in her life to baby and boss around.  Now that her son Hoyt has up and left her for Jessica, Maxine is in desperate need of a surrogate son.  Enter Tommy, an illiterate disabled kid, from a broken home, who can’t read, and can’t take care of himself.  He’s Maxine’s dream come true!    From Tommy’s perspective, all he’s ever really wanted in life was acceptance and shelter, anyway.  It’s why he stuck by his trailer trash parents for as long as he did, and why he put up with all Sam’s emotionally abusive B.S.

Sure, Maxine Fortenberry is an overbearing, narrow-minded, prejudiced biatch, with no qualms about talking about Tushy Cushions in a public area, but she’s all Tommy has, right now . . . Of course, the minute Maxine finds out Tommy is a shapeshifter, in love with a vampire, she will probably kick him to the curb.  But for now, they are just one big happy family.

And yet, seeing Tommy with Maxine only serves to piss off Sam (who, more or less, created this situation) even more.  This is part of the reason Sam attends “anger management” with a group of people who all just so happen to be shapeshifters.  They meet up once a week, drink, talk about their problems, and . . . TURN INTO STALLIONS?

One of the members of this “group” just so happens to be school teacher, Luna, who Sam was eyeballing and smirking at the ENTIRE scene . . . Yep, we all know where THIS is going . . .

Witchcraft is for the Birds . . .

Lafayette is having a bad day.  A V-ed up Andy Bellefleur just physically accosted him, looking for vampire blood on “official police business,” not realizing that Laffy doesn’t deal anymore.  Fortunately, Jason was there to rescue our boy from getting his ass kicked.  But the loyal police partner insisted that Lafayette not breathe a word of Bellefleur’s obvious drug addiction to ANYONE.

So, our hero decides to chill out with a nice fun-filled evening of hokey witchcraft.  This week, Marnie’s bird, Minerva (McGonagal?) has died . . .

She wants the witchy crew to help send Minerva’s spirit to heaven (or whatever version of the Great Beyond thte Wiccans believe in).  She starts off chanting a very PC- funeral-esque type prayer for Minerva.  But then, something comes over her, and the words of the prayer change.  Now, she no longer wants to send the bird’s soul into the great beyond.  She now aims to BRING IT BACK TO LIFE!

The witches in the circle all look a bit confused, and freaked out.   Nevertheless, they comply with their “leader’s” wishes . . . all except Lafayette, who would much rather be home dancing . . .

When she notices that he is not participating, Marnie screams at Lafayette to join in.  Eventually, he does . . .

Then, it happens.  The bird comes BACK TO LIFE . . . for about 6 seconds . . . and  . . . it dies again. (Kind of like Granddaddy Earl.)

“I’m sorry that after all that trouble you went to, your bird is still dead,” Lafayette offers politely.

“It doesn’t matter,” says Marnie callously.

Yeah, real nice, MARNIE!  You’ll be sorry!  I’ll get you, my witchy . . . and your Little Laffy Taffy TOO!”

After the witchy meeting, one of the witches, heads to a newly renovated Vampire Bill’s house to report on what has been happening at the coven meetings.  (Ooh .  . . an undercover witch . . . I like it).  She’s all sweet and super polite to him, referring to him as “Majesty.”  At first, I thought it was just a term of endearment. 

“Your Majesty is the name I like to call my weiner.”

But based on next week’s previews, it’s much more than that. You see,  BILL COMPTON IS APPARENTLY THE KING OF LOUISIANA!

Does that mean Queen Sophie Anne DIED in her battle with Bill at the end of last season?

Anti-climactic much?

Tune in next week to find out . . .

Speaking of mutiny . . .

What Every Woman Wants for Christmas:  Jason Stackhouse in a Box

I thought martyrs got to be shirtless . . .

That’s better!

When we last left the inbred, meth head, werepanther, community of hotshot, the police force had just shot their leader Calvin Norris.  Crystal begged her new beau Jason to save these dirty uneducated freaks, so he decided to become their leader. 

Oh, Jason, you can do SO much better!

Except, eventually some time during the course of the year, the “leader” became more of an “absentee landlord,” dropping by every so often to give the community food, and the bare necessities of life.  While making one of his weekly dropoffs, Jason learns that the ONE COOLER in the entire community is broken.  But when he goes to investigate, one of the older Hotshot Kids bashes Jason over the head with a tire iron, and LOCKS HIM IN THE COOLER!

NOT COOL INBRED KID!  No one puts my Jason on ice, without taking his clothing off first answering to ME!

Meanwhile, over at Fangtasia . . .

Pam and Jessica – Bathroom Buddies For Life

After the Great Egg Fight of 2011, Jess and Hoyt decide to cut loose at the local vampire bar.  Admittedly, Jess is a bit better at “cutting loose” than Hoyt . . .

Source

Remind you of anyone?

While Hoyt is at the bar getting Jess a drink, a VERY SEXY ADMIRER approaches, and hits on Jess the way ONLY men who KNOW they are super attractive can . . .

HELLO RANDY WAYNE!

Super Cute Fangbanger offers Jess his body and his blood, in no uncertain terms.  Jess loyally turns the guy down, telling him that she has a boyfriend, but you can tell she’s a bit reluctant about doing so.  Super Cute Fangbanger can tell too, which is why he continues to eye f*&k Jess, while she dances with Hoyt.

The eyef*&king gets Jess SO hot and bothered that she has to escape to the bathroom to keep from jumping at Super Cute Fangbangers neck.  Ever the pot-stirrer, Pam follows Jess to the bathroom, under the pretense of concern for her well being.  “We were worried about you . . . not really,” she snarks.

Pam then proceeds to call Jessica out on the part SHE has been playing in the eye-f*&king with Super Cute Fangbanger.  In a decidedly ANTI-PAPA BILL moment, Pam encourages Jessica to escape from “married life” with Hoyt, and start to embrace her vampire hunter instincts, before she explodes.  Jessica responds by basically telling Pam she’s jealous that Jess has found love and she hasn’t, before storming out of the bathroom.  This is Pam’s response . . .

Source

LOVE HER!

And finally . . .

“YOU ARE MINE!”

What follows of course, is my FAVORITE scene in the entire premiere episode, for a few reasons:

(1) it involves Sookie and Eric (duh);

(2) it is EXTREMELY EROTIC;

(3) it involves Eric outsmarting Sookie (always a treat); and

(4) it reminds me of one of my favorite scenes from ANOTHER well-known vampire show . . .

Basically, what I’m saying is that I like when hot guys sneak into my bedroom late at night, and dangle long objects in front of me . . . and all that statement implies.

We see Sookie in her bedroom, fresh out of the shower, and clad in her bathrobe.  She turns, sighs, and lets it fall from her body . . .

Well, that’s one way to keep your room clean.  Ladies and gentleman, Eric Northman has entered the building!

I think my FAVORITE part of the scene (even better than the key-dangling part, which I will get to in a bit), is the growl / groan of arousal Eric makes upon seeing Sookie’s naked form for the first time.  He remarks on what a strange, yet satisfying, sensation it is to know that his nightly dreams of her body measure up to the reality. 

Gulp!

Though she would clearly like to be, Sookie is clearly not immune to Eric’s charms.  Anna Paquin portrays Sookie perfectly here, as a woman who is simultaneously, aroused, repulsed, confused, and frightened by the Viking Vampire in her home . . . but IS IT HER HOME?

Sookie, at first, wonders whether she is dreaming, but realizes that she can’t be, as, after a year, Eric’s blood is no longer in her system (which, doesn’t exactly explain, how BOTH Bill and Eric were able to use their blood bond with Sookie to pinpoint the exact time of her return to Earth).  The obvious next question, of course, is how Eric managed to enter Sookie’s house, considering the last time he was there she had rescinded his invitation. 

“You don’t own this house, anymore . . . I own it . .  . which means I also own YOU,” Eric explains, detailing how his certainty that Sookie would one day return to Bon Temps influenced him to make this purchase.

Eric is IMPRESSED.

I mentioned Anna Paquin’s acting skills in this scene, but Alexander Skarsgard’s are notable here too.  The way he looks at Sookie with complete desire, intermingled with smugness over finally having the upper hand in their relationship, and confidence in the disarming effect he is having over her, is Pure Panty-Dropping Perfection.  Add to that the surprising vulnerability of the words he utters next, “You don’t have power over me, anymore,” (which, implies, of course, that she HAD power over him, to begin with, and undoubtedly still does) . . . and  . . . well . .  . I think I just became pregnant.

Of course, I would be remiss if I didn’t end this story, by cluing you in to Eric’s FINAL words to Sookie, the ones we have been waiting to hear him say to her for an entire year . . . the words that Vampire Bill says ALL THE TIME, but somehow they are SO MUCH SEXIER when Eric says them . . .

Wait for it . . .

*faints*

And there you have it, my fellow Fangbangers, the very first True Blood episode of the fourth season.  So .  . . don’t leave me hanging . . . TELL ME YOUR THOUGHTS!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

30 Comments

Filed under True Blood

30 responses to “Sookie in Wonderland – A Recap of True Blood’s Season 4 Premiere “She’s Not There”

  1. You know how much I loved this recap? I did a little Lafayette hookah dip and flourish in my mind while reading it!

    It was probably the things left “unsaid” that cracked me up the most: “kind of maudlin, would be way more interesting if Jason was shirtless during it” and “(that we would some day get to reenact the shower scene from Book 4)” (sorry, haven’t figured out how to do strikethrough font in comments).

    I’ve decided that fairyland is an overwhelming white, as opposed to black hole, of suckitude, and it certainly felt like we were stuck in there for a year. Good thing Sookie didn’t have a heart-to-heart with someone – her human friends would have been elderly by the time she re-entered the human world!

    It was nice to have a fast forward in the time line, so that the characters could go through some major growth (though, did Jason really need facial hair growth?). I’m a little sad about how much they are stomping on my faint memories of the sweetness Sam used to have. After Eric, he was my favourite character once upon a time. Couldn’t he have just stayed sweet and lovely and occasionally had sex with a maenad’s vessel so that I could see him shirtless each season? That would be far more satisfying than him making a paraplegic out of a family member and leaving them in the clutches of Maxine Fortenberry.

    I’m undecided about Lafayette’s new hairdo. I think Nelsan Ellis is still gorgeous, but I think Puck from Glee is really the only person I have ever seen whose looks are enhanced by a mohawk.

    Beel actually looked fairly sexy. Stephen Moyer is usually hawt in real life but no so much on True Blood, for some unfathomable reason, so it really meant something when I sat up and took notice. I guess the less proximity Beel has to Sookie, the more attractive I find him!

    Sookie and Eric together were absolutely sizzling and saved this episode for me. Only Eric could make me swoon at the idea of being owned by a man rather than indignant. But then, who needs individuality or thoughts when that six foot plus mountain of viking goodness is coming forth to pillage your village? I seriously can’t wait to see the gratuitous overload of screencaps you take when the shower scene finally does happen 😉

    It’s nice that Sookie finally can’t just write off her attraction to Eric as a result of recently consuming some of his blood. Really though, that scene was kind of like some of my dirtier dreams come to life. If I was Sookie I would’ve just rolled with it!

    If Eric was the face (and body) of vampirism, I bet that the VRA would get passed in no time flat! Even Nan, a lesbian vampire, can recognise this fact.

    I’m looking forward to seeing a little backstory explaining how some of the characters went through such drastic changes.

    I bet Sookie’s “death” affected Jason so deeply that he was inspired to be more responsible. I wonder if he will regress around her, or will he try to force her to face up to herself? It would be nice to have him put her in her place from time to time, since it is usually the reverse.

    Tara’s sudden self-restraint also demands a little more explanation. I’ll miss her outbursts, I’ll admit!

    For HBO and True Blood standards, this episode was fairly innocent. Hardly a gratuitous nudity scene in sight!

    • Hey Cherie! Thanks so much for your kind words. For what it’s worth, I did a Lafayette hookah dip and flourish when reading your comment! 🙂 I’d forgotten just how much fun it is talk to TB with you, and am thrilled to have the whole summer to do it. It’s almost as thrilling as talking TVD with you . . . Well, nothing is as thrilling as talking TVD, but . . . almost. 🙂

      And don’t feel bad. I haven’t quite gotten a handle on how to do a strikethrough in the comment section either. Every time I tried, I ended up crossing out my ENTIRE comment. 🙂 They really should make that easier to do! (I’m looking at YOU, WordPress!)

      I’m totally LOVING that you used the word “suckitude,” Not only is it, officially, my new favorite word, it also describes Fairyland to a tee. With all the great ways TB could have chosen to begin its series, this one seemed the most bizarre and off-putting. I probably would have preferred an opening similar to the book (Shirtless Eric, HELL YEAH!), followed by the opening credits, and then a “Two Days Earlier” notification on the screen to signify to the viewer that some blanks needed to be filled in, before we made our way back to the present. Sure, it’s not the most creative way to begin a season, but book fans would have been THRILLED by it. And I think non-book fans would have been so happy to see Eric without a shirt, that they wouldn’t have cared what came next. But, hey . . . who am I to judge? I’m just a Recapper. 🙂

      I too was surprised at how staunchly unlikeable Sam was, this week. Sometimes I feel like the writers get what I like to call “Tara Disease” when writing for Sam. They are so intent on showing the viewer that a character has “baggage” that they forget to also show that she or he also has heart. I feel like, with good writing, a character can be damaged and complex, and yet still resilient, and likeable, at the same time. But Sam was so dickish to Tommy Boy, and Sookie in the premiere, that I found myself not particularly caring about him and shapeshifter friends, or whether or not he got laid by that Luna chick. Perhaps, this will change as the series progresses.

      LOL about Jason. Yeah, I think the facial hair was overkill. The fact that he was a cop taking care of Andy AND all those inbreds at hotshot, was sufficient to show viewers how much he’d “grown up” in the past year, he didn’t need the upside down tree on his chin to hammer that point home. Then again, maybe I’m biased, as I’ve always been a sucker for a boyish baby face, like Ryan Kwanten’s, when it’s completely clean shaven. I also might be a bit bitter that the Sexy Mr. Stackhouse chose to keep his shirt on the ENTIRE hour. What gives, Jason? Don’t you like us, anymore? 🙂

      As for Laffy, personally I tend to think he looks his sexiest, when he’s rocking the dew rag / single earring pirate-type look. And, while a teeny Puck-like Hawk could have worked for Mr. Reynolds, the massive one our boy was sporting was difficult for me to take seriously.

      Regarding BEEEL, I can’t help but notice the similar trajectories TVD and TB are traveling in their upcoming seasons. PLEASE TB WRITERS, make BEEEL evil, power hungry, and slutty (with girls who AREN’T SOOKIE) this season. Trust me, it will be the best thing you can do for the character’s hotness factor. Just ask Stefan The Ripper!

      Good point about Eric’s exerting “dominion” over Sookie. Maybe it’s just my wishful thinking, as vampires in this show DO tend to be a bit old-fashioned in their views of women. However, I like to think of Eric’s “I control you” comment, more as a proposition for hot sex, protection from enemies, and companionship, than something more sinister and chauvinist. And YES, rest assured, the Seric Shower Scene will be screencapped TO DEATH on this blog, when it happens. (SQUEE! I can’t wait! :))

      Speaking of which, as you mentioned, this WAS DEFINITELY a fairly chaste episode, by TB standards. Really, aside from Sam, most of the shirtlessness in the episode was female (Sookie, Tara’s new girl, etc.), and even rather limited in that department. Based on the promos, however, the writers will be remedying that with a heaping helping of Shirtless Eric and Jason soon enough! And I, for one, can’t wait!

      • That’s very true about the “You are mine” statement – I’m sure we’ll see that it was more about being able to protect Sookie and other vamps from claiming her as a potential meal, especially given he knows that if word gets out about her fairy blood she’ll be in incredible danger.

        The other thing is, Sookie and Eric are both strong minded individuals and I’m sure that Eric just loves yanking her chain about having even a tiny bit of power over her. Remember the blood sucking scene? Eric was just SO smug and self-satisfied (and I loved him for it!) about knowing he exerted some control over Sookie now she had ingested his blood and would be predisposed to being sexually attracted to her.

        The thing is, none of these gestures would mean anything really to Sookie in RL as opposed to just her dreams if her feelings for Eric were completely neutral. She might deny it (like her wondering if seeing Eric after her shower and is just a dream because she wants to explain away her reaction), but, as you so eloquently and awesomely described, it is there, and Eric knows it. I just adore how shameles she is in his pursuit of her! 😉

      • Eric’s confidence in Sookie’s attraction to him, definitely adds an extra layer of fun to their Cat and Mouse Seduction Game, doesn’t it? Like you, the “bullet-sucking” remains one of my favorite Seric scenes of all time. And Eric’s shameless smugness has a lot to do with that.

        As THRILLED as I am about the entrance of Vulnerable Eric into Sookie’s panties, I do think Eric’s cocky badassedness is something I will miss in the upcoming weeks. (Though, of course, Shower Sex will go a long way in making up for that. ;))

  2. jmae

    Do you have comcast because if you do you can watch episode 2 already.
    I’m not going to say anything else except that I have a bad feeling that Sookie will go back to Bill sometime during this season seeing as Alan Ball is Team Bill(need to slip something in his drink so that he finally sees the light that is Eric).
    Also, looking back at the previews I think it might be Crystal or Felton that knocked out Jason, because in his waiting sucks preview Crystal was talking about hoe Jason would be one of them now.

    • Hey jmae! You watch TB too? That’s awesome! As I said before, clearly you have spectacular taste in television. 😉

      Like you, I have gotten the impression, judging by some of the choices Alan Ball has made in past seasons (BILL getting a shower scene with Sookie, BILL killing Longshadow instead of Eric, etc.), that he is more Team Bill, than Team Eric. And yet, a smart showrunner listens to his fandom. (A good example of this is Kevin Williamson, who had undoubtedly always planned for Dawson’s Creek to be a Dawson / Joey show, until the fans shouted nearly UNANIMOUSLY in favor of PACEY / Joey, and, eventually, he relented.) So, I’m hoping that Alan Ball is as smart as I think he is . . . and that the overwhelmingly positive response he gets from THIS Seric season, will cause him to alter his Bill-loving ways. 🙂

      Regarding Crystal, I’m not sure whether SHE was the one who necessarily knocked out Jason (though the kid who did it, definitely had help). However, I agree with you, based on the previews, that SHE might very well have been the one to orchestrate the “Jason-napping,” in order to make her boyfriend, “just like her.” *shivers* I knew I didn’t like that chick for a reason!

      Thanks again for taking the time to read and comment. I’m thrilled that you and I have another show to discuss together, this summer. 😉

      P.S. Unfortunately, I don’t have Comcast, or any of the other providers who offer HBO GO, just yet. So, I’m stuck watching new TB episodes in real time with all the other unlucky ones. I’m actually kind of jealous of you right now, for having seen the second episode already. 😦

  3. serendipity

    Hi Julie!

    Great to be reading your recaps again, even if it’s for another show now… I just saw ep. 1 of True Blood, and I must admit the fairy thing… that was a serious let down: you really had me laughing with the feminine products commercial thing (they did go over the top on the yellow lenses and the blurry images there)! BTW I think the glowy fruit was called “Lumières” (which is french for lights)… 😉

    Let’s just say I’m still getting into the spirit of True Blood here, so my comment isn’t going to be very long, but I just wanted to say how much I LOVED the end there. I had totally guessed that Eric was the one who’d bought the house (see books where he totally remodelled the driveway and had the door replaced and stuff), but it was really HOT the way he just appeared there when she was changing… and what he said there about what he’d imagined being reality? Man, talk about a guy who knows what to say: all panties dropping down quite spontaneously 😉 And did you notice the way she was standing there, holding the little red dress thingie, and posing with her legs like that? She’s not going to last long that way…

    Oh, and can I just say I loved Damon Salvatore popping up now and then…? Don’t get me wrong: I love Eric Northman, but it’s a close call if you should put him with Damon in the same room…mmm… 😉

    So, now I’m off to post another chapter of Shadowdancing… and I hope you’ll keep reading now that True Blood has made an appearance again… because you’ve got me totally addicted to your reviews 😉 !

    • Hey Serendipity, my fellow TVD / Truebie! Between swapping fanfics and talking TB, this is shaping up to be a kickass Vampire Summer! 🙂

      I’m with you. The final scene between Sookie and Eric MADE this episode. It truly was sexiness incarnate . . . the stuff of GREAT FANFICTIONS! 🙂 The way Eric appeared behind Sookie, and caught her robe, right as she was dropping it, was pure perfection. And you are absolutely right. Sookie’s body language totally gave her away. She’s falling for Eric, and she’s falling HARD . . . just like us fans.

      Oh, and not to worry. I find myself physically incapable of writing a SINGLE recap, without including at least ONE Damon Salvatore picture in it, regardless of what show I happen to be recapping at the time. And, of course, I absolutely plan to keep reading your awesome TVD fanfictions this summer! I wouldn’t miss them for the world! 🙂 They are THAT good!

  4. MaryJey

    Hi Julie!
    Its so nice (and by nice I mean funny) reading your recaps again! I miss them! As I told you before I don’t care about anything in this show besides the vampires story lines. I really tried, given it was the season premiere, to care about the rest of the characters, but I couldn’t bring myself to care at all. Reading your recaps about it its very funny though, so from now own I’m going to stick to your recaps alone and fast forward everything not vampire related.
    Just a few comments:
    I was very glad that AS was moved in the opening credits and he is now as important as Sam, tara and jason. I was really expecting this! This makes me happy for: AS himself, that is getting the recognition he deserves as the “main attraction of the show” (;)) and because hopefully it means that Eric role will be as big as the rest of the main characters!
    Bill: I’m kind of glad he is King of Louisiana. Great Twist! Plus if Bill becomes the bad guy, much possibilities for Sookie and Eric hooking up. It will end up favoring our side of the triangle, I’m sure. Hopefully in the end Eric will kill Bill and become king himself, like things should be… right? *insert dreamy face*.
    Pam awesome as always, really want bloodthirsty Jessica. Jessica and hoyt are sweet and all, but she was becoming as boring as the rest of the show, so hopefully soon she will spice things up.
    Eric: I didn’t realize how much I have missed him until he was on my screen again looking hotter than ever. After Eric speech I couldn’t remember my name, my boyfriend’s name, my pet’s name, maybe that’s why Nan says that humans are dumb.
    Finally Eric and Sookie: save the episode for me. I completely agree with you about both performances. I don’t like AP but she was great in this scene and AS as well! I will confess that I don’t like AS acting sometimes, but he is great in every scene involving Sookie and Eric. Maybe because he is sexy as hell and can pull off the sexy stuff easily. I’m a little confuse about where Eric is going on with the “sookie you are mine”, what are your theories? I don’t have any. Obviously, he wants to f*ck her, but claiming her is new. Maybe he is going to tell her about Bill being King now and sookie needing his protection. But other than that I don’t know.
    Laffy and Jason are officially boring now and have join my “fast forwarding” club which is a shame because I use to love both characters back in season 1 and 2.
    That’s all for now!
    Talk to you soon!

    • Hey MaryJey! It’s great to see you on the blogosphere again! 🙂 I’m so glad you enjoyed the recap. I can definitely relate to your preferring the vampire storylines in TB, over those “other” ones *cough* Sam, Tara, Arlene* cough. (I don’t include Jason in this list, only because Ryan Kwanten is so friggin GORGEOUS that I could watch him read grocery lists, and still be entertained.) That being said, I’m more than happy to fill you in on those “other” storylines each week, so that you have more time to focus on our Mr. Northman. 🙂

      Great observation about Bad Bill! Just as Stefan’s becoming the Ripper again, paves the way for Delena, Bill’s new position of power in the Vampire World, and the dark side of him that may emerge as a result, can only mean good things for our Seric. And yes, ASkars / Eric is ABSOLUTELY about ten times hotter this season than last. I didn’t think that was humanly possible. 🙂 No complaints here though, it just means a longer hotter summer for us Team Viking Vamp members.

      Speaking of team, regarding the “You are mine” comments Eric made to Sookie, I’d like to think that they are mostly sexual. 😉 But I also think that Eric would like to have Sookie on his “Team,” as a “loyal advisor,” in the same way that Pam is such an important asset to his business. This is not necessarily to say that Eric wants to turn Sookie. But rather, Eric sees how Sookie’s unique gifts, both as a spunky fairy, and sexual being, could be very useful to him.

      In return for her “services” (wink, wink), I think Eric feels that he can offer Sookie a certain amount of protection from all the Big Bads that stalk her on a regular basis. Whether or not he’s willing to admit it, Eric cares about Sookie, and wants to keep her safe, for more reasons than just to have her as a bedfellow and employee. Finally, for three seasons, Vampire Bill has constantly telling everyone who would listen that “Sookeh is MINE.” And, as there has always been a bit of a rivalry between Eric and Bill, the Viking Vamp is undoubtedly thrilled to be able to throw his newfound “connection” to Sookie in her ex boyfriend’s face.

      Like you, I also think Jess and Pam make a great team! Sure, Pam’s a bad influence. But, hey, Jess is a TEEN VAMP! She’s entitled to screw up every once in a while . . . and if she screws up with that hot fangbanger from this week, so much the better. Anyway, I’m sure her and Hoyt will ultimately prevail as a couple. So, why not allow Jess to sow her wild oats along the way? 😉

      Regarding Laffy, I do think the character has seen better days, in terms of solid storytelling and character development. And I’m, honestly, not loving Jesus, or his influence on Lafayette right now. That being said, Laffy DOES seem to be a powerful witch, one who Marnie NEEDS to complete her evil deeds against the vampire community. This aspect of the story places Lafayette in a unique position to be intimately tied to the more interesting vampire storylines this season. So, that’s a good thing. Now, if he could just get a little bit of that Season 1 mojo back! 😉

      And yes, it is HIGH TIME ASKARS headed up the True Blood opening credits! With the exception of Season 1, he has EASILY had as many lines in the series as Ryan Kwanten, Rutina Wesley, Stephen Moyer and Sam Trammell. (Plus, he is one of the most popular characters on the show.) So, it’s only fitting that he now be recognized for his extreme sexiness, and fabulous “body of work.”

      Thanks again for your awesome insights and commentary, MaryJey! They are very much appreciated!

  5. Pingback: i’m dying pumpkin or let’s talk about True Blood season 4 episode 1 « lovely entropy

  6. literally every sentence in this post is pure comedic gold, i kept reading through this & saying oh i have to comment on this, oh i have to comment on this too! to the point where if i did i would just be giving a running commentary while retelling everything you had just said. so i’ll just say:
    squeeee!
    also, burrito bill is back! yay!

    • Awww, thanks so much, Lola! That’s so sweet of you to say! I have a feeling we are going to have a ton of fun snarking over True Blood together on our respective blogs this summer.

      Oh, and I’m so glad you remembered Burrito Bill! 🙂 Believe it or not, he was a “late addition” to the recap. After I had already published, I was re-reading it to correct typos and the like, when I came to point in the recap that was DESPERATELY in need of a picture of Vampire Bill. (Too much uninterrupted text in my LOOONNG recaps is a bad thing, as far as I’m concerned.) So, I started searching my media library for Bill pictures, and the burrito came up first. So, I just said, hey, why not? 😉

      Now, if I could only find a way to reintroduce the Ribcage Hat, folllowing Lorena’s untimely demise! 😉

  7. Ali

    Hey there Jewls! I was looking forward to both the episode and your recap so badly. While the episode was a little meh (except for the awesome end) your recap, as usual, was pure perfection.

    I loved the references from zoolander (I am lmao while typing this remembering that gif) and the one of Aunt Petunia from Harry Potter…LOL

    A couple of things though (not that they matter much): you said that Tara´s / Toni´s grandfather died, and it was actually her grandmother, and a couple of lines below you said that Hoyt and Tara something something… when you ment Hoyt and Jessica

    Anyway … Here we are! hoping for a very much truebloodish 4th season than this premiere… After Game of Thrones I though this episode was going to be all about frontal nudity and blood or heads…. Rather unexpected what we watched, I must say

    • Hey Ali! It’s great to see you here! I’m so psyched to gossip about TB with you this summer.

      And thanks so much for catching those errors I made in my recap. I really do appreciate it, and have already corrected them both.

      I’m also thrilled you caught that the “riding gif” was from Zoolander (which, I guess means, you understood my “don’t stop for gas” joke). 🙂 I ADORE that GIF so much. I wish I made it myself. You can bet I will be using it a lot this season. 😉

      As far as the disappointing lack of nudity in this episode, I wouldn’t worry too much. If the book and those Season 4 promos are any indication, we are going to see plenty hot naked males VERY, VERY SOON! 😉 And I know this episode wasn’t a favorite for many people. But, from what I’ve heard, the second one will have much more Eric Northman, and, therefore, will be much better! 🙂 All fingers crossed! 🙂

  8. Madeleine

    Omigosh!!! This is going to be the best season yet, *I can tell.* In case you’ve been wondering where I’ve been (I’m sure it’s kept you up at night), I have been waiting until I get around to watching the TVD finale to catch up on your blog (one of my favorite things by the way.) HOWEVER, I couldn’t help visiting for your review/recap of True Blood (my number one favorite thing.)
    And, I thought this episode was amazing!
    Yes, I do agree with you on the weirdness of the first eight minutes, and I do have an explanation (or rather a theory) about something. Barry the Bellhop, the one withe the sexy sexy fairy godmother (seriously, what’s up with that?), he said he’d only been there a little while. Well, I posit we know exactly how long he’s been there. Remember, waay back when, when Sookie first met Barry? Remember, she tried to find him again, but the front desk said (if I’m remembering this correctly, and I may well not be) “I’m sorry, Barry didn’t show up for work this morning.” NOT, “I’m sorry, Barry quit,” which would be just as easy and make just as much (if not more?) sense. And that would mean the writers have been planning this for longer than the tampon commercial/ generic dystopian waseland feel of Fae (?) would suggest. Either that, or it was just a random accident that they can now accredit to incredible forethought and attention to detail . . . if they even noticed, supposing it’s an accident. I doubt if anybody besides me did anyway :). And, because I’m me, I literally squealed at that two-second shot of Eric, opening his eyes, and that faintest hint of a smile (had I had time, I would have booed Bill.)
    And, I would like to say, the developments with Jason really made sense to me. Before Sookie was gone, and back when Andy was a stable, paternal figure (if a little . . . drunkish) and when he wasn’t looking out for anybody but Jason, Jason didn’t really have to worry about getting things wrong, about messing up or slipping up, because he had people around him to clean it up, or pick him up, or take him to get his dick drained. Jason was called upon to use the brain in his head and, lo and behold, he has one! Who knew. I had a cousin like that, actually. He lived with his parents until he was twenty-one, total slacker, no job, complete waste of space. His parents kicked him out, he got a job, an apartment, and now he has two kids, a wife, and a nice house. Sometimes, grabbing the net out from under somebody is just the way to make them walk the tightrope (seriously, though, don’t grab the net out from somebody walking an actual tightrope. Bad idea.) Also . . . “Bill, or maybe that crazy tall one . . .” Oh my gosh, I love Jason (almost as much as “dramatic look” gerbil, SO CUTE). Also, the initials of the real-estate company, AIK, isn’t that how Godric pronounced Eric’s name?
    Ugh, I swear I almost gagged during Bill’s little monologue, after what he did. He said he understood that she couldn’t forgive him right away (or something to that affect), but practically held his arms out to catch her when she *inevitably* swooned into his arms, forgetting what a f****** a**hole he was (and is). Although, this was only half his fault, as all previous experience he’s had with Sook says she will do just that.
    But JUST THEN, as the world needed him most, in rode Eric on his white horse, with an actually sincere and adorable little speech (with evidence later backing it up). Metaphorically speaking. Tragically, there was no actual horse involved. Sigh. Anyways, at first I was totally ready to call BS on his little speech (too good, and adorable, to be true), but then I decided to suspend judgement until I finished the episode, and *holy crap*. Not BS! Jason sold her house, Bill *ahem* ‘moved on’ (and up, but angry rant on that later) Sam . . . well, he was just pissed to see her, same with upstanding Sheriff and frantic V-addict Andy, Lafayette thought she was dead, so did Tara (her “best friend”) . . . and pretty much everybody else falls into one of those categories. *Except* the upstanding, arrogant, adorable, tall (and so on) Sheriff Northman. “I. Never. Did.” AAAaaaahhh, soooooo hot. And, if Bill hadn’t *com-MFing-pletely* given the heck up, why didn’t he buy Sookie’s house, or at the very least lifted so much as a finger to stop Eric from buying it? He obviously has the resources. Can I just say, her house looks *awesome*. How come nobody does that for me? Maybe if I died my hair blond and gained a couple pounds . . . And my microwave is actually, at this moment, broken. Gah.
    I would like to just say, I was SO worried at where Jason’s storyline seemed to be headed last year, but I actually like it (like, not love, but still). Actually, I’m impressed with all the subplots this season. Usually, they just endlessly frustrate me as I futilely scream “Where is ERIC???” at the computer screen, but I actually didn’t mind Tara’s (actually, I was really impressed with her character development – if I had her luck with men, I’d be exploring the alternatives too). And Hoyt and Jessica’s little fight was like the most adorable thing ever, at least before Fangtasia. Sam, I’m almost sort of close to maybe starting to gain an inter- nope, Sam’s still boring as heck no matter what the hardworking writers do. I think maybe if Tommy jumps in with a good storyline, he can pick up some of the slack (man, he’s adorable. Like a puppy, in more ways than one.) I love him bilking evil old Maxine. They’re a good match 🙂
    Of course, Pam, Eric, Lafayette, and Eric/Sookie related plots will always be my very favorite. I’m suuuper excited about the witch storyline. Man, Fiona Shaw is a RIDICULOUSLY good actress. She’s the first “villain” who actually genuinely scares me.
    Aaaaand, Pam’s PSA? Best. Ever. “She was fine. If you have to be blind and deaf and an idiot.” Well, *I* thought it was awesome. And Eric’s PSA . . . If I hadn’t been aboard the Eric Train already, man. Wow, this got way too long. I’d love to say I’m off to read your Logan/Veronica and Tyler/Caroline post, but although I love me some Vampire Diaries (‘specially Forwood), not to mention Veronica Mars, but I won’t. I’m trying to avoid spoilers. 🙂 I’m gonna try to watch the finale later this week, then catch up on your blog.
    Blind, Deaf, and an Idiot,
    I’ll be readin’ ya next week (and probably writing an arduously long comment).

    • Hey Madeleine! Thanks so much for your awesome comment! I CAN’T WAIT to hear your thoughts on the TVD finale. SQUEE! It means I will get to relive it again! 🙂

      I think you are right about Barry the Bellhop. He definitely did not “just get there,” as he told Sookie. And if those “eight minutes” equaled over a year for Sookie, it makes total sense that Barry would have been there for at least two, making your suggested timeline a rather sensible one. Plus, as you mentioned, since Season 3 was the season all the “fairy talk” first started, and that was the season Barry went missing (I think), it would stand to reason that this oddball opening sequence already existed somewhere at the back of Alan Ball’s mind.

      I like your take on Jason deciding to grow up, and finally take responsibility for himself, as a result of Sookie’s untimely absence, and Andy’s tumble off the sobriety wagon. As HIS storyline took place largely “off screen” in the books, it will be interesting to see how it ends up being portrayed in the series. I’m thinking it’s going to look a lot like torture porn, mixed with a dash of bestiality, but that’s just me. 🙂 If I have any gripe with Jason’s current journey at all, it has less to do with him (LOVE ME SOME RYAN KWANTEN), and more to do with those inbred werepanthers.

      I’m just not sure how happy I’m going to be to have to spend so much more time with them, after last year. But, it’s early yet. Perhaps, this storyline will grow on me.

      I sort of feel the same way about Tara. Her storyline reminds me of the brief period during the O.C. when Ryan Atwood, after experiencing a tragic death (I won’t tell you whose, just in case you haven’t watched the series yet), turns to cage fighting to deal with his unresolved rage issues. It’s intriguing, and makes sense from a psychological standpoint (as does the sexual experimentation, for the reasons you mentione). On the other hand, it just seems a bit unhealthy to me, how she’s running away from her problems. And I’m kind of tired of self-destructive Tara, having had to cope with her for three seasons.

      Like you, the VAMPS really made this episode for me. Jess was adorable. Pam was hilarious. And ERIC! (sigh) Believe it or not, i WAS thinking of you while I was watching the premiere, and thinking about how much you are going to LOVE this Eric-centric season. ASKARS owned every scene he was in, this week. And I just KNOW that trend is going to continue, as his role in the show becomes increasingly complex, in coming weeks.

      Oh, and from a shallow perspective, I really just want to FINALLY get to watch him sex up Sookie for real. SQUEE!

      So, excited your back on the blogosphere, Madeleine! I just know we are going to have a great time talking TB this summer. 🙂

  9. Jen Steph

    Yay! So glad to have you recapping vampires again! I couldn’t breathe I laughed so hard at that gif from Zoolander and those crazy pics of the kitties, love those. Anyway, this episode made me so excited for the Seric possibilities. It’s funny, though, I’ve been so in love with Damon this past year that I’d forgotten just how much I loved me some Eric until he was snatching robes from the air and making sexy…um sexist…yes, that’s it, sexist (whatever) declarations. I tell ya, if ever forced to decide between Damon and Eric I think I’ll just pull a “Katherine” and be all “How will I ever choose?”…It’s alright to love them both 🙂

    My least favorite of the potential TB storylines this season is, unfortunately again, the Sam storyline and I completely agree with your comment that by making him so unlikeable the writers are making it virtually impossible for me to want to waste precious stretches of True Blood time on him when I could spend that time with vampires instead…Hell, I’d even rather spend that time with Beeel and maybe find out how he got rid of ole’ sassy Queenie pants.

    As for the fairy frollic, I was so distracted scanning the crowd for Captian Kirk and Mr. Spock I think I missed most of it.

    @ Madeleine, not only did I squeal when Eric opened his eyes at the beginning, I threw a fist pump and then spent way too much time staring at the gif of said “eye opening” in this recap…Thanks Julie!

    • Hey Jen Steph! Thanks so much for your awesome comment. I’m THRILLED to be recapping vampires again too. Not to mention, I am super excited to talk TB with my fellow TVD fangbangers. 🙂 (Who else is going to understand all my random references to Damon and Co.? ;)) Could you imagine if they ever did a crossover episode of these two shows? Damon and Eric in a single hour. It would be like a died and went to heaven (or became a vampire . . . either one ;)).

      Yep, what Eric said to Sookie WAS a little (OK . . . a lot) sexist. And yet, I’m strangely OK with it, coming from him. Does that make me a traitor to my sex? 🙂

      I’m thrilled you liked the Zoolander GIF (special thanks to the person I “borrowed” it from). I was surprised at how many people got the reference, as Zoolander is not exactly a new film. And yet, it was SO popular, I may have to start incorporating it into more of my TB recaps. Who knows? It may even turn into the TB equivalent of the “Wet Damon” GIF I use in all my TVD caps. Of course, once the shower scene happens, I suspect I’ll swap in “Wet Eric.” (all finger crossed).

      Question: If Sam can shapeshift into any creature he wants, can he also shapeshift into less of a douche? 🙂

      Oh, and I adored that “Wake Up, Eric” GIF too! I know, I should have been an equal opportunity recapper, and included the equivalent one of Bill. But hey, no one ever said I was fair. (Besides, I suspect I scared away most of my Team Bill recap readers last season, with my staunch Eric loyalties. So, that now there is no one left to offend. LOL.)

      Thank again for reading, and for being so sweet in your commentary. Hopefully, this will be a long HOT Seric-filled, shower-sexy summer for all of us TVD/TBers. We deserve it! 🙂

      • Jen Steph

        You know, as to Eric’s “sexist” you are mine speech…. I just read a fabulously insightful comment by a reader (ohiogurl) in response to “Our Lady Of Solitude” (hiddeneloise’s) latest recap of the first 2 episodes on Live Journal that I know, given your sympathies, you would just love (not to mention the analysis in the article itself). Unfortunately, with the episode 2 coverage, it’s still too spoilerific for you to check out just yet. 😦

        But suffice it to say that I’m in the camp that believes Eric was only posturing with Sookie. Thrown off by “the view” and scrambling to hold on to to the bravado that has always successfully allowed him to maintain control of a situation (and no doubt get the girl) in the past.

        And since you’ve read the books like me…we can also squee together about the juxtaposition of how he’s behaving now to how he’ll soon behave…in the shower…Yippee! Yahoo! Yum!

  10. Jen Steph

    Oh and I meant to say that if you’re a traitor to your sex for swooning over that final Eric scene, then I’ll gladly go AWOL with you! Cause, seriously? If I was Sookie I’d be so busy looking at his midriff in that tight little t-shirt of his that I wouldn’t even listen to what he had to say. ( Right, Eric. Blah blah housekeys blah mine blah. Oh look! A bed right here in the room with us! How convenient. 🙂

  11. imaginarymen

    “What Every Woman Wants for Christmas: Jason Stackhouse in a Box”

    YES PLEASE!!!!!!!!

    (minus the facial scruff!)

    • LOL . . . yeah, I suspect the facial hair was meant to make Jason seem more “mature and adult,” but, I for one, prefer my Stackhouse baby-faced. So, let’s sneak into his home at night, and take away his clothing . . . er . . . . I mean . . . shave him, DEAL? 😉

  12. This was totally hilarious! I agree with you on soooo many points! Eric and Sookie! Finally!

    • Hey Kyra! Thanks so much for your kind words! I’m so glad you enjoyed the recap.

      And, of course, Seric fans are always welcome on this blog! We’ve waited THREE SEASONS for some Sookie / Eric action! And now it looks as though our patience will be rewarded. I definitely look forward to talking TB with you this season! 😉

  13. Me too. This season is going to be the best season yet! 😀

  14. Lauren Knott

    I basically only watch this show for Eric (TVD will always be my number one vamp show). Oh, Eric, Eric, Eric. The other day I made my mom buy me a GQ magazine, because Alexander Skarsgard was on the cover ❤ But I do like Jessica, who I think is adorable, and I would go gay for Pam if Eric was not on the show, and I do like Lafayette, who rocks makeup better than most girls I know. I hate Bill. He's just so bland and blah. Especially compared to Eric (ooh la la). Sorry that I keep going on and on about Eric lol. He's just so fierce!

    • The question of course, is “Who would you rather?” Eric or Elijah? 😉

      You know, I actually can see some interesting similarities between both characters. In addition to them both having AWESOME hair, both studly vampires have a way with words, spectacular style, and the ability to calmly rip hearts out, in more ways than one. They can also calmly drop women’s panties with one extended stare, and have unique moral codes, even in the context of their respective predatory life styles. I actually think Eric and Elijah would enjoy one another’s company a lot, if they ever were to meet . . . which they do all the time, in my dreams. 🙂

      • Lauren Knott

        Oh, God. I’m gonna cheat and say both. At the same time. Damon and Klaus and Stefan could watch too. But not Bill. He’s not invited.

  15. Pingback: 27 Luchas que sólo la gente que se duerme muy TARDE entenderá ¡La #2 es muy cierta! | Difundir.ORG

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