Well HELLO, Derek Hale’s Naked Sweaty Stomach! I didn’t think I’d see you again so soon . . . or so much of you. What do you say, we go back to my place, so we can “get to know one another a little better?”
Welcome back, Werebangers! Can you believe we are already HALFWAY through this season of Teen Wolf? It seems like only yesterday, we were ogling Scott McCall’s naked body for the first time . . .
This week’s episode was called “The Tell,” a likely reference to the subconscious ways in which card players reveal to their opponents what kind of cards they are carrying, during the course of a game. Fittingly, some of the episode’s most “telling moments” featured one character sharing information with another, and the other reacting to it, in a way that suggested a lot about his or her possible motivations. Did I mention that the episode was CHOCK FULL of shirtless, sexual tension, and sublime homoeroticism?
Stiles clearly suffers from Oral Fixation. Does Danny suffer from Stiles’ Fixation?
So, what do you say, kiddies? Are you ready for some Show and “Tell”?
[Note: Special thanks go out to my new pal Andre for all the FABULOUS screenshots you see here. You’ll undoubtedly notice that they are of significantly higher quality than the ones I tend to take myself.]
Next time, Stick with Netflix!
“If I die in this video store, at least I won’t have to watch The Notebook again!”
Oh Jackson! Slowly, but surely, you are growing on me.
The fact that you finally took your shirt off this week, helped with that A LOT! You actually had me feeling kind of sorry for you, because you are SO COMPLETELY WHIPPED BY YOUR GIRLFRIEND. (I mean, really, grow some balls, man!) We open on a shot of Poor Schmo Video Worker (don’t get too attached to him) standing on a ladder, fixing a light, in a video store that looks like its been time warped out of 1995, and plopped down in present-day Beacon Hills. (Honestly, do video stores that AREN’T Blockbuster even EXIST anymore? Because, even the Blockbuster by me closed!)
A car pulls up. It’s Lydia and Jackson. Lydia is in the driver’s seat, which is appropriate, considering that this is OBVIOUSLY the position she takes in their relationship.
“Umm . . . Lydia? Not that I’m complaining or anything, but that’s NOT the stick shift.”
Jackson is trying to convince Lydia to rent Hoosiers, a heart-warming love story about boys and their . . . um . . . basketballs . . .
But Lydia doesn’t WANT to watch a movie about balls. She’d much prefer to watch The Notebook again, a movie which, in the words of Puck from Glee, has the power to “make you grow a vagina, if you watch it.”
Having just got rid of the vagina he grew the LAST time they watched this film, Jackson is, understandably, a bit miffed by his girlfriend’s suggestion.
Cut to about two seconds later, when Jackson is wandering around a seemingly empty video store, asking out loud where he can find The Notebook.
Long time, no vagina, Jackson!
But, uh oh . . . something is wrong on Movieland. Our light-fixing Poor Schmo Video Worker is now nowhere to be seen. And he hasn’t successfully done his job, either, because the lights in the place are still flickering. Jackson walks around a little while longer, until he FINALLY finds Poor Schmo Video Worker . . . WITH HIS THROAT RIPPED OUT!
Watching The Notebook is starting to look pretty good NOW, isn’t it Jackson?
In a panic, Jackson lurches back, knocking down the ladder where Poor Schmo Video Worker met his maker. He hears a noise. Someone . . . or something is in the video store with him. He hides in one of the aisles. But the ALPHA is way smarter . . . and STRONGER than Jackson. It knocks all the shelving down around Jackson in a single push. It has Jackson in its clutches now. It’s claw-like hands reach down toward Jackson’s neck, preparing to rip out its throat. But then it sees the scratch marks left there last week by Derek . . .
. . . and decides to let Jackson live. (WHY? Did Derek “put a little wolf” in Jackson with his little love tap? Or does the Alpha have some other reason for wanting to keep Jackson alive?)
Jackson got fingered!
Meanwhile, outside, Vain Lydia is taking pictures of herself on her camera phone, when she sees the Alpha jump through the glass window of the video store, its red eyes blazing, its strong black body moving like nothing she’s ever seen before.
Ooh . . . you might want to get some Visine for those eyes, honey!
She screams . . .
“OK . . . I’m sorry. I’ll watch Hoosiers, I swear. Just don’t eat me!”
Meanwhile, on a nearby road, Stiles is keeping his dad company, while the latter patrols Beacon Hills in his cop car.
“Hey dad what do you say we pick up . . . er . . . I mean arrest some hookers.”
Stiles and his dad have a refreshingly sweet relationship. In past episodes, we’ve only seen Big Stiles (that’s my new name for Stiles’ Dad) scold his son, and berate him for seemingly getting his nose into everybody else’s business. But here, the two are just eating curly fries, and enjoying one another’s company . . .
See what I mean about the whole “oral fixation” thing?
Big Stiles then gets a call on his CB about a possible homicide. And Little Stiles jumps up and down on his seat, like a kid on Christmas morning.
“I LOVE DEAD PEOPLE! SHOW . . . ME . . . THE BODY!”
You would think, by now, the thrill of ogling corpses would have worn off for Stiles, who has already seen a couple pretty gory ones, since the show premiered. But apparently not. (Perhaps, he’s hoping one will come back to life, looking like THIS . . .)
Upon arriving at the video store, Stiles is shocked
and perhaps a bit jealous to learn that Jackson and Lydia are the only living witnesses to this possible murder. Big Stiles gets out of the car, and tries to calm down an EXTREMELY agitated Jackson, who instinctively doesn’t want to go to the hospital, despite having fallen during the Alpha Ambush . . .
“She was going to make me watch The Notebook again! Can you believe it? The Notebook!”
Is it possible that Jackson, on some level, recognizes that the scratch on his neck is NOT from a human, and has changed him in a way that will raise eyebrows at the hospital? Hmmm . . .
Meanwhile, on the roof of the video store, Derek and Scott are . . . just chillin’.
“Hey, check it out. From here, you can see down Lydia’s shirt!”
Scott wonders out loud why the Alpha seems so intent on killing random people. Being new to this whole Werewolf Thing, he can’t help but wonder whether that’s what HE will eventually do. Derek reassures Scott that they are PREDATORS, but don’t necessarily have to be killers.
Wait? Isn’t that the same thing? The only kind of predators I KNOW that aren’t killers are the SEXUAL kind!
*sigh* In that case, forget I said anything. Just keep “predating,” Derek Hale! (Yeah, that’s probably not a word . . . but it should be!)
Lovers Quarrel, Part 26
“Aww, don’t pout, Baby! I’ll even let you be on top, next time!”
Back at Derek’s house, or as I like to call it, La Casa de Old and Decrepit, Derek and Scott are fighting again, about Derek’s “Responsibility to Were Kind” to help find and destroy the Alpha. “I HAVE A LIFE!” Scott whines.
“No . . . you don’t,” replies Derek. (See? That was funny! I knew the writers would go and give him a sense of humor, eventually!)
“I HAVE HOMEWORK!” Scott tries again.
“Do you want to do homework . . . or not die?” Derek fires back.
“Yeah! That was funny, right? I’m GOOD!”
Yes, Derek. SNARK! That’s what I’m talking about!
Apparently, there’s this little rule in the Werewolf Book of Pack Obedience, that states that if an Alpha Pack member doesn’t kill with his leader, before the full moon, he gets EATEN.
“Sexy Wolf Man, say what?”
By this point, Derek has probably figured out that Scott is pretty much a self-centered prick (a hot self-centered prick, mind you, but a self-centered prick, nonetheless). And so, he wisely reminds Scott that HE has interest in finding the Alpha (through his unique “pack” connection too), as doing so could very well SAVE his life. And, of course, the clock is ticking, because the next Full Moon is on the horizon. This means Scott has only limited time to attend and graduate Derek’s Werewolf School of Brooding, Soulful Staring, and Looking Intimidating.
Hot for Teacher!
Speaking of teaching, Scott learned his first REAL werewolf lesson today. It was a lesson about PAIN, and how it
can lead to pleasure keeps a werewolf human. Derek taught Scott this by leaning over him seductively, and twisting his arm, while the two were-men panted and groaned in concert. I could tell you it wasn’t SUPER hot to watch . . . but I’d be lying . . .
“Happy Birthday, Allison! Sorry for Being a Douche to Your New Boyfriend! Here . . . have an Ugly Necklace.”
“I was going to get you birth control pills, My Little Harlot. But I figured, this was the next best thing.”
Back at the Argent house, Aunt Kate is all faux apologetic about accusing Scott of going through her bag . . . WHICH HE DID! She would very much like for Allison to call her some bad names, as part of her “punishment” for inappropriate behavior. Allison wants to do no such thing. She says all is forgiven. I, myself, however, am not so forgiving, and have decided to call Aunty Kate a name of my own . . .
Apparently, today is Allison’s birthday. And Kate has a gift for her. It’s the UGLIEST NECKLACE I’VE EVER SEEN! Allison puts it on immediately, but I suspect she is just doing it to be polite. Apparently, the necklace has some “family crest” thing on it, that’s significant, in some way, to the Argent family history. Rather than tell Allison the truth about her family, she suggests that Allison “look it up.” (As, I suspect, Evil Werehunter Dad is not quite ready to let Allison in on the family’s Secret Life, just yet, this move was rather crafty on Kate’s part.)
We can tell Kate is pleased with herself, by the sh*t eating grin on her face, after Allison leaves for school.
Little does Aunt know that the only thing Allison has any interest in “studying” lately is Scott’s weiner.
Scott and Allison Ditch School, Frolic in the Park, Blah, Blah, Blah . . .
“Have you ever noticed that I spend at least half of every episode of this show with my lips attached to your face?”
Scott finds Allison at school hiding balloons and birthday notices in her locker. She doesn’t want anyone to know it’s her birthday, because she’s SO FRIGGIN OLD! As it turns out, Allison turns 17 today, which makes her a year older than Scott, which pretty much makes her an
Alpha cougar . . .
Scott wins MAJOR points (not to mention gets a few steps closer to falling into Allison’s panties), by correctly guessing why Allison is in Scott’s grade, even though, technically, she should be a grade above him. “You got held back, because you missed a lot of school, moving around so much,” he says matter-of-factly. Allison is so thrilled that Scott doesn’t think she was left back a grade for being a moron, that she eagerly agrees to cut school with him.
“In that case, you’re a genius! Now, will you let me touch your boobies?”
Call me unromantic, but I’m not going to spend much more time on Scott McCall’s Day Off, basically, because I thought it was lame, and didn’t add much to the story. Yes, Scott and Allison are both very attractive people, who smile a lot, and look good making out with one another. But, beyond that, they haven’t shown me anything special about their relationship to make me particularly invested in them as a couple. And COME ON! If your going to make me spend 10 minutes of an episode watching a boy and girl frolic in the woods, AT LEAST LET ME SEE THEM SCREW!
Am I right?
The one mildly interesting aspect of the “Salison” date, was Scott’s continued feeling as though Allison was “taking away his masculinity.” (Oh buck up, Buddy! It’s not like she made you watch The Notebook.) Now, you would think that a guy like Scott, with werewolf strength, and an Adonis body . . .
. . . would be comfortable enough in his masculinity, to allow a woman, who took a sharp turn, while she was driving him in her car
(at least, he didn’t take the damn bike this time – PROGRESS!), to instinctively put her hand out in front of him to keep him from getting whiplash. But, apparently, not.
The other thing that bugged me about Scott an Allison’s date, was how Scott selfishly ditched EVERYTHING and EVERYONE to attend. Cutting class is one thing. But skipping work, missing a parent-teacher conference, skipping out on Sexy Derek, and ignoring his bestie’s increasingly frantic phone calls, is just DOUCHEY with a capital “D!”
“I’m going to KILL YOU . . . and I’m too upset to come up with a witty description of how exactly I’m going to kill you, but I’m just going to do it. OK?”
And yet, Allison didn’t seem to mind at all, especially considering that, at the end of the date, she basically told Scott, in NO uncertain terms, that she wanted to screw his brains out ASAP. So, um . . . way to go, Scott . . . I guess . . .
Don’t Worry Stiles, I Find You Attractive!
So, in the last segment, I ranked on Scott a bit, for being kind of a self-centered douche. Conversely, this segment will function as my Ode to Stiles. Seriously, how GOOD OF A GUY, is he? Alpha Male Douchebag Jackson and Lydia hhave been in school with Stiles since they were little kids, and neither has so much as given the poor kid the time of day. And yet, knowing the traumatic experience both suffered in the opening scenes of the episode, Stiles is genuinely concerned for their well-being.
He interrogates Jackson’s bestie, Danny, in hopes of getting the 411 on Jackson and Lydia, since, at this point, neither of them have showed up in class. Danny is a bit evasive, as Jackson has seemingly kept his experience a secret even from HIM. Then, Stiles gets up the courage to ask Danny a question that’s been bothering him since Episode 2. “Do you think I’m attractive?” He asks a bewildered Danny.
Hmmm . . . though Stiles has publicly expressed his attraction for Lydia, this is, I believe, the THIRD time he has expressed interest in Danny’s evaluation of his hotness. And I can’t help but wonder whether there is more to these questions than Stiles would like us to believe? Anybody else with me on this one?
Anyway, Jackson eventually DOES show up for school, but seems pretty freaked out about everything he’s endure. (More on him later.)
Speaking of Lydia, Good Guy Stiles takes it upon himself to go to her HOUSE after class, to make sure she is OK. “What the hell is a Stiles?” Lydia slurs, when her mother announces the guy’s arrival. As it turns out, our girl Lydia is coping with her Alpha encounter through some HARD CORE DRUGS.
Drunk Lydia is pretty humorous, and is actually flirting pretty heavily with our Stiles, leaning in to him when she talks, and batting her eyebrows in a stoned sort of way. And yet, Stiles knows the score, teasing Lydia a bit, by trying to get her recite tongue twisters (which she can’t). Stiles has other motives for wanting to talk to Lydia. He wants to know what she saw, and confirm that what happened at the video store was, in fact, an Alpha attack, even though authorities assume it was a “mountain lion.”
When asked, Lydia agrees that the thing she saw was a “mountain lion.” But then, when Stiles shows her a stuffed giraffe, she thinks THAT’S a mountain lion too. So, much for an eyewitness! “YOU ARE SO DRUNK!” He exclaims with amusement. Then THIS happens . . .
YEAH! GO STILES!
Lest you believe that MTV actually “went there” by showing a BJ on prime time TV, I’m pretty sure Lydia’s head just fell that way. But you’ve got to admit, especially taken in concert with Stiles’ “O” face, in response, the whole thing is pretty darn titillating / hilarious! “I’m going to let you get back to your Post Traumatic Stress Disorder,” Stiles mumbles, as he rises from the bed, trying to hide his erection.
“NO! STAY! PLEASE STAY!” Lydia calls out after him.
Though, Stiles is looking cool and calm on the outside, undoubtedly, on the inside, he is doing THIS . . .
. . . and maybe even a little of THIS . . .
But then Lydia calls him JACKSON!
Oh well! It was fun while it lasted, right Stiles? Before our hero can get up to leave however, Lydia gets a text message, which, of course, Stiles takes it upon himself to read. And, I bet you will never guess what it is . . .
a sex tape of Stiles and Lydia video of the Alpha taken from the night of the Video Store Murder!
Golly gee! I wonder who sent it. Maybe it was “A” from Pretty Little Liars. It totally sounds like something that b*tch would do!
A question out there to those of you who were watching the episode closer than I was? Did Stiles pocket Lydia’s phone? Because I know, at the end, he deleted the Alpha Video, and that doesn’t seem like something Stiles would do, unless it was to protect Lydia’s sanity? And, if that was the case, wouldn’t it have made more sense for Stiles to send the message from Lydia’s cell phone to his OWN, before deleting it from hers? Just sayin . . .
Speaking of losing sanity . . .
“We HAVE to stop meeting like this . . .”
“My what big eyes you have, Derek.”
“The better to eye -f*&k you with, Jackson”
We find Shirtless Jackson flaunting his wares in the boys locker room . . .
He’s nervous, and paranoid. Jumping at every sound, nervous that someone is watching him. He heads to the mirror to admire his HOT BOD . . .
He examines the scratch on his neck. Unlike Scott’s werewolf bite, Jackson’s wounds haven’t healed. As it turns out, Jackson was right to be nervous, Derek’s stalking him near the locker’s again . . . and he pushes Jackson into one AGAIN. This time, Jackson is smart enough not to sass the bigger, and stronger Derek. “I don’t know where Scott is,” he babbles, remembering that THIS was the question that earned Jackson the scratch last time.
But DEREK knows exactly where Scott is
he stalks him all the time!. Right now, he’s more concerned with what Jackson SAW the night of the Video Store Murders. Jackson claims he didn’t see anything, so Derek leans in close to his lips and starts tongue kissing him asks him to say that again SLOWLY. Now, Derek claims that this is because his wolfy powers enable him to determine whether a person is lying, just by staring at his lips. Sounds a bit convenient, if you ask me . . .
Nevertheless, after Jackson seduces Derek with his mouth, Derek becomes convinced enough of his honesty regarding the Alpha, that he ultimately leaves him alone. But not before he offers one parting shot, in his rivals direction. “You should really get that checked out,” he remarks, pointing at Jackson’s nail marks, which Derek himself put there.
(There ya go, Derek! Keep the snark coming! Mommy LIKE!)
Add the Vet to You Alpha Suspects!
Derek and Stiles aren’t the only ones investigating the Alpha’s identity. Big Stiles too is skeptical as to whether the attacker at the video store was, in fact, a mountain lion. He has pictures of the beast that seem to suggest otherwise. One, in particular, which features the beast rearing up on two legs concerns him. So, Big Stiles returns to the vet (where Scott was SUPPOSED to be working) to ask him for his EXPERT OPINION on the photographs.
For someone who is NOT a murder suspect, the vet seems AWFULLY defensive and unwilling to answer questions, doesn’t he? He admits that the animal in the picture looks neither like a mountain lion, nor like a bear, but refuses to give any additional information. A dog starts barking in the backround, and the vet rushes off to tend to it a bit too eagerly for Big Stiles’ liking.
Admittedly, the vet would be a pretty boring choice, storyline-wise, to be the Alpha. On the other hand, he DOES have a pre-existing relationship with Scott, as well as a connection to animals, particularly canines, which seems like enough to at least earn him a spot on the Suspect List.
Meanwhile, back at La Casa de Old and Decrepit . . .
“I Don’t Know Whether to Kill You Or Lick You”
Want proof positive that MTV cares about its fans? Here’s some . . .
Let’s get a closer look, shall we?
Not close enough for you? How about this?
Flip him over! I want to see those BACK TATTS!
OK . . . now, on the floor and spread ’em, buddy!
Now, as you know, I could watch Derek Hale work out for HOURS and not get bored. But, unfortunately, he has visitors . . .
Aunty Kate and her minions come storming into La Casa de Old and Decrepit, like bats out of hell. At first, Derek hides, but Aunty Kate lures him out, by making a crack about his dead sister not living long enough to have a litter . . . “TOO BAD YOUR SISTER SCREAMED LIKE A B*TCH, WHEN WE CHOPPED HER IN HALF!” Kate screams.
Talk about a LOW BLOW! Now, you’ve gone and made Derek ANGRY, Aunty! And you wouldn’t LIKE him, when he’s ANGRY!
Then again, maybe she would! A brief scuffle ensues, and Aunty Super Tasers Poor Derek to the ground. Her minions eventually leave, until its only the two of them left in the house. Aunty then seductively circles Derek, like a predator closing in on her prey. She does most of the talking, as he’s currently not in any position to speak. “I don’t know whether to kill you or lick you,” Aunty Kate coos, leaning in close to Derek’s SWEATY NECK.
Surprisingly enough, Kate doesn’t want to kill Derek, she wants to use him for information. You see, somehow, Kate has become convinced that Derek knows the identity of the Alpha. (Sound familiar?) She’s even willing to KILL the Alpha for Derek out of the kindness of her heart. (Isn’t she sweet?)
Of course, as we know, Derek is no closer to finding the Alpha than Kate is
and lazy ass Scott sure isn’t helping. So, he is of no use to her. Yet still, Aunty seems to be feeling rather generous, as she offers Derek a free piece of information. Apparently, the Evil Werewolf Hunters were NOT the ones who killed Derek’s sister . . . the ALPHA was. Kate is so sure of this that she puts his lips next to Derek so he can stick his tongue down her throat tell she isn’t lying. Of course, this makes Derek more determined than EVER to destroy the Alpha, which, of course, was Kate’s real intention for showing up at La Casa de Old and Decrepit in the first place.
Kate then starts shooting up the place with her MASSIVE FLARE-TYPE GUN, sending a shirtless Derek running for his life . . .
Thanks Kate! We like it when our boy works up a sweat!
Meanwhile, back at Parent / Teacher Night . . .
JACKSON AND LYDIA ARE BOTH RELATED TO TYLER LOCKWOOD?
I suspect that the series of parent-teacher conferences we witnessed, this week, will end up somehow being important to the mythology of Teen Wolf. However, I generally found myself so distracted by the fact that the same guy who played Tyler Lockwood’s DAD played Jackson’s adopted father . . .
. . . and that the same woman who played Tyler Lockwood’s MOM played Lydia’s mother . . .
. . . that I found myself too distracted to concentrate on much else . . .
Nevertheless, here are some things we learned from the Parent Teacher Conferences:
(1) Jackson, interestingly enough, isn’t as DUMB as I thought he was. In fact, he’s, apparently, an over-achiever, in every sense of the word
(including sexually, I hope). His parents think this somehow stems from him being “adopted,” which, basically was their way of telling us he’s adopted. Oh . . . and he’s a loose cannon, but we kind of already knew that.
(2) Lydia’s parents are divorced. (No big shock there.) She’s also some kind of genius / master of social manipulation. (Could SHE be the Alpha?)
(3) Scott’s dad was an “unpleasant” sort of guy, who Mom is relieved is no longer in Scott’s life. (Could HE be the Alpha?)
(4) Stiles is so obsessed with circumcisions that he wrote about them in an essay question for his Economics test. (Umm . . . OK?) He’s also named Stiles after some dead relative.
(5) Stiles’ and Scott’s Science teacher is kind of creepy. (Could HE be the Alpha?)
I didn’t get much about Allison, aside from the fact that her teacher, helpfully informed her parents that she cut class. Outside the school, Scott’s mom, and Allison’s parents exchange words, both claiming the other kid to be a bad influence on their own. (Typical). Then the kids, themselves, arrive in the parking lot, and it’s all basically a big mess.
dull Romeo & Juliet moment is fortunately interrupted by the movement of a wild animal in the parking lot. Could IT be the Alpha? A lot of things start happening very fast, at this point. Parents and students are rushing frantically to their cars. Stiles’ dad gets knocked down, and is injured. Allison almost gets hit by a car, and Scott uses his Superhuman Were strength to keep her from harm. Sound familiar anyone?
Then, finally, before the creature can do any damage, Papa Argent shoots it dead.
Slowly, and tentatively, the crowd gathers to get a glimpse of the defeated creature. However, when we FINALLY get to see the “Big Bad Alpha,” it looks like THIS . . .
Psshaw! It’s a mountain lion! Of course, most of us don’t believe for a SECOND that this is the creature that has been causing all the damage, thus far. That Alpha’s a real slick one, isn’t he?
And that’s all she wrote. See ya next week, Werebangers!