Doctor Wren has officially won the award for Person I Would Most Want to Be Hugging, When I Learned that My Sister’s Creepo Fiance (Who I Thought Was Already Dead) May Have Offed Himself for Killing My Best Friend. Congratulations, Dr. Wren! Come and claim your prize! (It’s ME!)
Welcome back, My Pretties! The title of this episode is actually pretty fitting, in that the hour was all about “flying blind,” and venturing into unknown territory . . . And yet, I must say that, given the title, it was a bit strange that ONE particular character did not appear at all . . .
“HELLO . . . the episode is called BLIND Dates . . . I’m BLIND Jenna. Like, DUH!”
In addition to lacking the unique creepiness of Blind Jenna, “Blind Dates” also: got us up close and personal with my FAVORITE PLL BOY IN THE WORLD . . .
“I’m right here, Baby!”
. . . showed us how Facelift Jason’s body has changed since the “operation” . . .
. . . treated us to a free therapy session . . .
. . . and taught us just how much Zombie Creepy Pedo Ian likes (his own) BRAAAAAAAAIIIINNS!
So, what are we waiting for? Let’s go on some “Blind Dates!”
Guard your Pawn (and other things I’ve learned from Pretty Little Liars)
“You are a LIAR! I am SO reporting you to the Shady Pawnbroker’s Association of America.”
Those of us who were a bit scandalized by Spencer’s surprisingly cold decision to pawn off her own sister’s wedding ring for cash to buy her boyfriend a car, were probably a bit relieved to know that she at least PLANNED to buy it back, shortly thereafter. Now, don’t ask me HOW Spencer got the money to do that so quickly.
Pretty Little Escort Service?
It doesn’t really matter, anyway. Because, as we recall from last week, Gloved Hand SOMEHOW convinced the pawnbroker that Spencer was lying about ownership of the ring. And then, HE OR SHE took it off the pawnbroker’s hands. How Gloved Hand was able to do that remains a mystery. Did this person have, by chance, a receipt for the original ring’s purchase? Did he or she simply pay the guy off? Or is “A,” by chance, a vampire with strange compulsion powers, who can make people do his or her evil bidding, without argument?
Whatever the reason, when Spencer returns to the pawn shop, Shady Pawn Broker Dude ends up giving her the MOST EXPENSIVE RUSTY HORSESHOE EVER MADE, claiming never to have seen the ring AT ALL! (Remember the horseshoe, as it will be important later.)
Outside in Shadytown, the PLL girls are admiring a literary reference from The Great Gatsby . . .
Don’t you love when PLL rewards you for being a nerd? 🙂
Not only are the watchful eyes in the billboard, a take off on the book’s cover, the creepy advertisement itself comes right out of a passage from the famous novel, which, if I recall, the girls read in Mr. Fitz’s class, a few episodes back.
Spencer rushes outside, making her Spencer Face, and having a hissy fit about the loss of her sister’s ring.
“Hmmm . . . maybe if I pawn Toby’s car, I can get the ring back.”
The girls comfort her briefly, before rushing home to pretend they HAVEN’T been “secretly” hanging out with one another every second of the day, against their lame therapist’s wishes.
As they are leaving, they all get yet another text from “A.” Something about diamonds being a girl’s best friend.
Hey Aria’s Mom . . . ever hear of the term absence makes the heart grow fonder? I didn’t think so . . .
So, let me get this straight. In the matter of about a week, Aria’s mom has gone from living elsewhere, to boinking her husband in secret, to moving back home, to TEACHING ARIA’S ENGLISH CLASS? Talk about too close for comfort!
I guess Aria will have to find another way to get “extra credit” now.
I don’t know. I just find it strange that out of ALL the classes Mama Montgomery could teach at school, the administration decides to give her ARIA’S English class. Granted, Fitzy had recently vacated the position. But still . . . couldn’t the school have shuffled the faculty around a bit, to prevent this inevitable awkwardness from happening? Just sayin’ . . .
Now, Mom seems to always be on poor Aria’s ASS, 24-7 . . . telling her not to hang out with her PLL friends EVEN on school grounds, forcing her to meet up with her bratty little brother after school to “give him the keys,” giving her dating advice. Seriously! It’s enough to make a girl want to rebel, by screwing a guy seven years her senior. 😉
Speaking of Bratty Little Brother . . .
Aria Gets Blackmailed . . . Reminisces About Her “Goth” Days
“Look at me . . . looking all angsty, and BAD ASS with my pink hair, and my chains, and my medium-sized cup of fat free frozen yogurt with sprinkles . . .”
Aria is on a mission to rescue Bratty Little Brother Mike from The Darkside. After all, she knows what it’s like to be there. Back when Aria had (gasp) PINK HAIR she was SUPER “dark.” So, when Aria heads to find her Bratty Little Brother on the basketball court, and learns he HASN’T PLAYED IN MONTHS . . .
. . . Aria is suspicious. And yet, she is not quite suspicious enough that she feels she doesn’t have time to flirt with a Shirtless Facelift Jason, who, apparently, still plays basketball with high school kids, despite having graduated quite some time ago.
Here’s the thing about Facelift Jason. He has a great body, certainly.
(The comb-over hairstyle could use a bit of work though.) But he definitely seems like one of those guys who’s forever stuck in the past.
Forget for a moment that he’s hanging out at the high school shooting hoops, when he should be . . . I don’t know . . . trying to find a REAL job. Observe the way he compares himself to Aria’s younger brother, by telling Aria that HE TOO used to lie to his parents, and ditch his sister on multiple occasions to do VERY BAD THINGS. Then, he “flatters” Aria, by telling her that he thinks the pink hair she had, back when she was 12 or 13, totally turned him on, despite the fact that he was probably about 18 at that time, and . . . well . . . that’s just creepy.
Aria doesn’t seem to mind too much though . . .
“Well . . . considering how expensive plastic surgery can be, I’m thinking Facelift Jason has more money than . . . say . . . a guy who teaches at Hollis. Date HIM, and I can buy all the pink hairdye I want!”
Now, I know . . . I know . . . there is supposed to be a GREATER age difference, between Aria and Fitzy, and Aria and Facelift Jason. (This is part of the reason they made the casting change, in the first place.) The DIFFERENCE, of course, is that Fitzy didn’t know Aria, back when she was in diapers, and Facelift Jason did. You see what I’m getting at here?
When Aria arrives home, Bratty Little Brother surprises her, by acting all evil and shady.
Bratty Little Brother basically blackmails Aria to keep a secret from their parents the fact that, for the past few months, he has been mutilating small woodland creatures, when he’s supposed to be practicing his jump shot. He does this by threatening to tell Ma and Pa Montgomery that Aria has been hanging out with the PLL’ers, even though she promised not to do so. (But, honestly, if these parents haven’t figured that out by now, they don’t deserve to procreate.)
Watching Bratty Little Brother “act out,” because his Dad screwed his assistant, and his parents were split up for all of two seconds, I couldn’t help but be reminded of another little brother, who similarly “acted out, did drugs, backtalked his Big Sis, and was generally “up to no good,” at the beginning of his television series . . .
(Coincidentally, I think Goth Jeremy and Goth Aria would make an ADORABLE couple.)
The difference, of course, is that Jeremy had a REALLY GOOD REASON to be angsty and pissed off at the world. Both his parents DIED AT THE SAME TIME. Let’s face it, that SUCKS THE BIG ONE.
I just have a bit of difficulty garnering sympathy for a kid, who comes from relatively wealthy, generally loving, parents (annoying as they may be) that are willing to put aside their differences, in order to provide stability for their teenage children. I mean, teens rebel for all sorts of reasons. It’s kind of a right of passage. But for Bratty Little Brother to blame HIS rebellion his parents seems like a bit of a cop out to me.
That, being said, who knows? Maybe he will end up being “A.”
Meanwhile, in Emilyville . . .
Why Samara is Officially My Favorite of Emily’s Girlfriends!
“Don’t worry, Emily! I won’t accidentally leave my pot-filled bookbag at your house, so that my parents ship me off to de-gaying camp, or try to drown you in the pool, or start dating Boring Sean . . .”
Sometimes I wonder if Samara actually ATTENDS her school at all! Because, as she mentioned to Emily, after her swim meet, she DOESN’T attend Rosewood prep. And yet, I’ve seen her wandering around the school hallways more than PLL Significant Other Vortex Resident, Little Orphan Bitchy . . .
Samara wants to congratulate Emily on winning YET ANOTHER swim meet, which Emily seems to do at least once every episode. She also wants to congratulate her on her acceptance to Danby. The latter congratulations, of course, make Emily feel like crap. After all, she just got a package from “Danby” . . .
Get it? The “A” Team – Har de har har.
The fact that Emily’s mom is being all nice, and non-homophobic, for a change, just makes Emily feel even WORSE for lying to her. Emily’s mom even goes so far as to invite Samara over for a Celebration Dinner, which Samara gratefully accepts.
But still, Samara senses Emily’s discomfort with the whole situation, and asks her what’s up. While, Emily can’t conceivably tell her new girlfriend that she is being stalked by some omnipotent creature named “A,” who won’t allow her family to move away to Texas, she IS honest with her, about the fact that SHE wrote the Danby scholarship / acceptance letter, not the swim team recruiter. What I love about Samara is that she is completely unfazed by and nonjudgmental of her girlfriend’s confession. Rather, she simply reassures her that everything will work itself out in the end.
Is it just me? Or does Emily look like she’s wearing A LOT of makeup, for someone who supposedly just got out of a pool?
Unlike Emily’s two previous girlfriends, who were SOCIAL disasters around Emily’s parents (Remember Maya, and the “I thought you ate fish” Dinner from Hell?), Samara effortlessly charms Mama Fields, reminiscing with her about the unique joys of scrapbooking. But Samara doesn’t REALLY prove her worth as a member of Team PLL, until she stops Emily from confessing about the letter. “I told Emily she should wait until senior year to accept her offer from Danby. Plenty of other scholarship offers will be made to her, between now and then. So, she shouldn’t be too hasty in choosing a college.” Samara says more or less! (GENIUS!)
“Yep, I’m that good.”
Emily’s mom buys the load of bull poop Samara is selling, hook, line, and sinker. And Emily, of course, though still nervous about her future, is beyond grateful. (In other words, I’m thinking SOMEONE is going to be getting extremely lucky tonight! ;))
Hanna Experiments with Multiple Personality Disorder / Wins Award for Best Wingwoman EVER!
Like most of the parents on PLL (with the exception of Spencer’s asshat favorite-playing parents), Hanna’s mom, who used to be the most dysfunctional mom on the block (sexying up detectives, stealing from old ladies, etc.), is trying her hand at “responsible parenting.” She does this by demanding that her only daughter attend a private therapy session with Dr. Feel Bad herself, Anne Sullivan, so that she can “cope with the loss of Alison.”
“So, basically, now that you’ve required us all to have separate sessions with you, you get paid four times as much, right? Clever!”
During the first session, Hanna says nothing. She’s pissed off that she has to be there in the first place, and doesn’t want to give Dr. Feel Bad the satisfaction of hearing her pour her heart out. Before Hanna leaves, however, Dr. Feel Bad makes a comment that sticks with her. She tells Hanna that Hanna has not yet “let go” of Alison from her life, and that this has kept her from healing.
“That will be $250, please.”
At school, Hanna runs into Lucas, who is so nervous about his upcoming date with Danielle that he makes THIS face . . .
He kind of looks like a cartoon character here. Am I right?
Lucas complains to Hanna that his nervousness has thrown him “completely off his game.”
“Lucas, you don’t have any game,” Hanna remarks.
(Hey Hanna, that’s not true! Lucas has plenty of game! And besides, he’s SETH COHEN-Y! And that makes him “stealth.”)
A freaked out Lucas threatens to cancel the date, if Hanna doesn’t come with him. And since Hanna refuses to be a third wheel, he suggests she bring Caleb along.
In that case, I have a GREAT idea as to where the First Date should be!
I really do love the softer side that Lucas always seems to brings out of Hanna, whenever they are together. She might not be traditionally attracted to him . . . yet. But she definitely cares about him, in an almost maternal way. And I can tell you first hand, that this kind of caring, can blossom into attraction, while you are looking in the other direction.
I’m also enjoyed the unexpected bromance between seeming polar opposites Caleb and Lucas. Some might argue that Caleb is only “pretending” to care about Lucas’ sex life, in order to get back Hanna’s panties. But I choose to believe that the brotherly feelings Caleb has toward the guy who brought him back to Rosewood to “make Hanna happy” are genuine.
Where’s your food, Caleb? Too lovesick to eat? Or are you just afraid that putting certain things in your mouth will destroy your “street cred?”
What I do NOT buy, however, is Caleb’s blase “yeah, I guess I’ll do it,” attitude, when Hanna agrees to take Caleb with her on Lucas’ now-double date. Inside, you just KNOW he is doing THIS . . .
On the date with Danielle, Lucas is every bit as awkward as Caleb and Hanna fear he will be. And the fact that Hanna keeps hovering over the couple like a mommy, certainly doesn’t help matters.
“Aren’t we a bit old to have a chaperone?”
Maybe it’s just the Hanna/Lucas shipper in me, but I DO NOT LIKE Danielle, with her perma-b*tchface, and general lack of smileyness. If I was on a date with Lucas, you could bet I would be smiling. I mean, he’s a FUN GUY who wears COOL T-Shirts! What’s not to like?
And yet, I DO like how Danielle seems to sense the unresolved sexual tension between Hanna and Lucas, in a way that the future couple themselves DOES NOT. Danielle insists that Hanna “still” has the hots for Lucas, which is why she keeps staring at them, instead of paying attention to HER OWN date. When Danielle goes to the bathroom, Lucas rushes to Caleb and Hanna, and tells them what Danielle said. Things aren’t looking good for our fabulous foursome. Until . . . Hanna gets an idea . . .
She tells Caleb to put his arm around Hanna, and act coupley with him. Caleb gladly complies with the request. And, when he does it, you can tell just how smitten with our Pretty Little Liar he truly has become . . .
Hanna, of course, seems more interested in Lucas’ date, than she is in her own. On one hand, she looks pleased as punch that her plan worked, smiling benevolently, as Danielle grabs Lucas’ hand. And yet, there is a specific moment, in which Lucas and Hanna both look at one another, as each is fondling their respective date. In that moment, something we haven’t seen before between these two is clearly evident . . . jealousy.
After the date, Lucas stops by Hanna’s house to thank her for being so generous with her time and wingwoman abilities. He tells her how far she has come from being Alison’s lapdog. It’s a back-handed compliment, for sure. But Hanna appreciates it, nonetheless. And it gives her enough pause to make another appointment with Dr. Feel Bad . . .
“I’m going to be RICHHHHHH!”
Gosh, if therapy was even HALF as universally helpful, and fast-working as they make it seem on television, there would be NO mental illness in the world . . . well . . . except maybe multiple personality disorder. Within minutes of arriving in therapy, Hanna is having an in-depth conversation with an empty chair. (Because THAT’S not crazy at all!)
Of course, SHE doesn’t see an empty chair. Hanna sees Alison. And, in her mind, Alison is answering her back, being just as snide and bitchy as she was, back when she was alive.
“Alison you were the best friend I ever had, and that meant a lot to me . . You meant a lot to me . . But you were also the worst enemy I ever had. And I cant believe it took me this long to realize that,” Hanna begins, all healthy and well-adjusted sounding
(except for . . . you know . . . the fact that she is TALKING TO A CHAIR).
Ghost Alison uses the very same tricks to attempt to keep Hanna under her thumb that REAL Alison used, back when she was alive. She tells her that Hanna is only popular, because Alison made her so. She tells her that all the PLL girls will eventually abandon her, and that she will become Hefty Hanna again. And finally, like an emotionally abusive girlfriend, she tells Hanna that SHE is the only one who truly understands Hanna.
The only difference is that THIS time, Hanna isn’t listening. “You are gone! And I am SO over missing you!” Hanna exclaims triumphantly.
And POOF . . . she’s cured!
Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for Dr. Feel Bad, who returns to the office in the evening, to find it completely ransacked.
The wall clock has been knocked off the wall. And, if the time it was broken is any indication, the break-in happened at 6:05 p.m., just minutes after Hanna left Dr. Feel Bad’s office . . .
Clearly, this is “A’s” handiwork, as signified by the very A-like graffiti spray painted on Dr. Feel Bad’s wall.
The police investigating the break-in tell Dr. Feel Bad that there is no sign of forced entry, making Hanna look pretty guilty for the act.
And yet, us PLL fans know that “A” has broken into this office before to put Fitzy’s diploma on the wall. There’s a good chance that he or she, at some point, stole and made a spare key to Dr. Feel Bad’s office. “A” may have even been listening to Hanna’s breakthrough therapy session, which would have undoubtedly made the stalker unhappy about the control she was losing over one of her Pretty Little Liars.
The plot thickens . . .
WRENNNNNNN . . . and Dead (possibly illiterate) Ian
“This sure beats hanging from a bell tower.”
Remember how I said Spencer’s parents suck this season? How about when Spencer comes home and finds a note on her door from her Mom that says, “take care of your sister.” Does this woman KNOW her own kids? Because, if she did, she would realize that was pretty much an invitation to murder. Just sayin . . .
Anywhoo . . . Detective Spencer is on the loose again. Her investigation leader her to . . . of all people . . . DR. WREN!
I love how Spencer is so territorial of the Hookup Buddy she hasn’t swapped spit with in WAY TOO LONG that she promptly dispatches of the Too Perky Looking Nurse walking at his side. “Could you . . . like . . . NOT BE HERE right now,” she tells Perkypants!
That’s right, WOMAN! Get your candy-striping mitts off My Honey!
Spencer wants to know what sort of things Wren and Melissa have been up to these late nights. Wren admits that he is giving drugs and medical supplies to his ex-fiance for HER husband. “Ian tried to KILL ME!” Spencer explains.
“Are you OK?” Wren asks hilariously.
“No . . . I’m dead now, and you are talking to a ghost. But thanks for asking,” replies Spencer. (Sorry . . . that’s what I would have said to Wren
after ripping off his clothing and having my way with him five times.)
Apparently, “Ian” told Melissa that he would only tell her his whereabouts, if she brought the drugs. (Talk about a SWELL husband! This one’s a keeper, Crazy Nanny Carrie!) At first, Wren refuses to help Spencer find Ian, because he doesn’t want Spencer to get hurt. “Everytime I get involved with you and your sister, people get hurt,” exclaims Wren. (Well . . . in their defense, Sexy . . . you WERE digging around both of their mouths for gold.)
Back at the Guest House, Detective Spencer snoops around, while Melissa is in the shower, and finds a bag packed with both men’s and women’s clothing, and Ian’s passport . . .
When Spencer is almost caught by Melissa, she hides behind a tree, and makes THAT FACE again . . .
Eventually, my Lover Boy reconsiders, and decides to help Spencer. Cleverly, he calls Melissa, and tells her that he needs to see Ian immediately, as, based on the symptoms she described, he may have a Staph Infection. Wren then calls Spencer, so that she and her pals can follow Wren and Melissa to Ian’s location. It’s the barn. (SURPRISE!)
Just outside, Spencer hears Melissa, scream. So, she and the girls rush in. Once there, they find Melissa in hysterics in Wren’s arms . . .
That’s when they see it . . . Ian’s dead body. He’s DEFINITELY DEAD this time! There’s a gun right where he is positioned, and a bloody bullet wound in his head that may or may not be fresh. On the wall of the barn, a horseshoe is missing . . . a horseshoe similar to the one Spencer picked up from the pawnshop. (I smell a setup!)
From Julian Morris and Torrey Devitto to the PLL girls, the acting in this intense scene is flawless. Everyone looks understandably horrified, by what they’ve found. And, for me, the scene accomplished the impossible. It made me feel sorry for Melissa!
But then, I caught sight of that ridiculous suicide note, and I knew that something was rotten in Rosewood.
Creepy Pedo Ian may have been a lot of things, but he WASN’T stupid, an over-achiever like Melissa wouldn’t have gotten involved, if he was. And this letter looks and sounds like it was written by a 10-year old. At least, that’s what I thought at first, until I read this ingenious post on IMDB, linking every line of this note, to a previous text or letter “A” sent the girls. You can check it out for yourself here.
To me, it seems pretty obvious that Ian died in the Bell Tower, and that “A” has been the one texting back and forth with Melissa all this time. I suspect that “A” was the one who wrote the suicide note, and shot, and already dead Ian, before stealing the horseshoe and exiting stage left. Given all that, I’m not entirely sure Ian killed Alison. To go through two-seasons of clues, only to reveal the solution to one of the show’s big mysteries in a suicide note, just seems like a cop out to me. And I don’t think the writers of this show would want to do it that way.
Also, as I mentioned earlier, Ian’s “suicide” might not be viewed as a suicide for much longer, if Gloved Hand / A can help it. Because, in addition to giving Spencer the Phantom Horshoe . . . in the final moments of the episode, he or she places Ian’s cell phone in Spencer’s purse.
I hope you look good in an orange jumpsuit, Spencer! Because things aren’t looking so good for you right now . . .
See you next week, My Pretties!