Hell Heaven, Alison DiLaurentis is hopping mad that her photograph has been discarded, along with the half-eaten fruits and stale lunch meats. Meanwhile, on Earth, a TV Recapper simply wonders why no one in Rosewood recycles newspaper . . .
Hello, my Pretties! It’s time for another installment of “A Knows Everything, and Everybody Acts Shady.” Surprisingly enough, although this episode was depressingly Dr. WREN-LESS . . .
. . . and disconcertingly Abs Toby-Free . . .
Pretty Little Spoby
. . . it still ended up being one of my favorite PLL episodes of the season.
Why? You ask . . .
Because, after weeks and weeks of simply raising more questions, this show FINALLY gave us answers . . . It finally gave us (well . . . at least some of) the TRUTH!
Actually, Mr. Nicholson . . . WE CAN!
So, call up Dolce, Gabbana & Liebowitz, put on your least appropriate funeral dress, and pull up a chair in the local cemetery, because it’s time to get started with this recap . . .
Mystery Solved? Not so fast . . .
“Hi Girls, it’s Police Boy Garrett! I just happened to be passing through the school
boning Blind Jenna in the janitor’s closet, when I saw all you lovely ladies sitting here. So, I decided to share with you some important information that the viewers needed to know about Dead Creepy Pedo Zombie Ian.”
When we last left our Pretty Little Liars, they were huddled in a barn together, ogling the gory body of Spencer’s Sister’s Dead Fiance . . .
. . . a traumatizing image that basically guarantees that this foursome will be spending the rest of their lives in therapy . . .
*does Happy Dance* “YEAH! Show me the MONEY!” (I’d be smiling right now, but . . . you know . . . Botox.)
Back at school, the girls kindly recap for us what happened last week. Once they are done doing that, Police Boy Garrett arrives with some lame excuse about “returning evidence to the gym.” Come on GARRETT! We all know what (or perhaps I should say WHO) you were doing . . .
I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit . . .
Police Boy Garrett has some new information for the girls about Dead Creepy Pedo Zombie Ian.
Or, at least it’s new if you never saw the promos for this week’s episode. He tells them that the autopsy on Ian’s body proves that, by the time he was found, Ian had already been . . . dead FOR A WEEK!
There must be something magical about Police Boy Garrett’s information reveal. Because the moment it happens, Spencer and Emily seem to switch bodies. We know this has happened the minute Emily starts making The Spencer Face.
From that moment on, Emily spends the rest of the episode doing Spencer Things like “Super Sleuthing,” “Mystery Solving,” “Suspect Interrogation,” and “Love Interest Judging.” This is a side of Emily we had never seen before! And having the opportunity to see it now, makes me almost as excited as I was the first time we met Drunk Emily . . .
Spencer!Emily Deciphers Coded Suicide Notes!
After the rest of the girls leave the outdoor lounge (with Emily!Spencer undoubtedly wondering why she is suddenly crushing on girls) Spencer!Emily receives (SURPRISE!) yet another cryptic text message from “A.” The difference of course, is, while most of A’s messages to the girls are merely mean, or annoying, this one is actually quite helpful!
That’s right Spencer!Emily! It’s time to do some Detective Work . . .
Helping Emily out is the fact that the girls have not only had the foresight to photograph Ian’s suicide note . . .
. . . they’ve also saved every text message any of them have ever received from “A” on their cell phones.
Although an enterprising fan had already put together these clues for us last week, I have to say, I was rather impressed with the Mix N’ Match / Word Jumble way Emily figured out that Ian’s so-called suicide note was really nothing more than a list of A’s Greatest Text Messaging Hits.
(Though, honestly, he or she really should have considered including My Personal Favorite “A” Message in this list . . .)
“Lions and Tigers and B*tches, Oh MY!”
(I still haven’t figured out how “A” managed to insert a text message into a Fortune Cookie! Best Magic Trick EVER!)
You know what this means, don’t you? Either Dead Creepy Pedo Ian was an extremely avid Pretty Little Liars fan, OR Ian had died back in the Bell Tower, and “A” shot him and forged the suicide note, to make it look like he wrote it . . .
But, not to worry Spencer!Emily fans! Our Veronica Mars 3.0 (because the real Spencer is Veronica Mars 2.0, obviously) isn’t finished sleuthing. Not . . . even . . . close.
Spencer!Emily Interrogates Fed Ex Dude!
No offense, Logan Reed, but I remember you being a bit hotter you were on this show . . .
Open your legs and spread ’em! (I think I’ve seen a few pornos that began this way.)
While picking up a package at Fed Ex, Emily notices a familiar face behind the counter. (Cue The Spencer Face!) Upon further investigation, she learns that Fed Ex Dude is actually Logan Reed. Remember him? He’s the guy who SOMEONE paid off to take the ransom money Police Boy Garrett and the girls used to try to catch Creepy Pedo Ian in the act of stealing the incriminating Dead Ali Snuff Porn video that “A” sent to them.
“Ohhhh YEAH! I remember him!”
Poor Logan Reed pretty much pees himself, upon realizing that Emily recognizes him. So, he runs away from her like a B*tch!
“Your ass is GRASS, Mister!”
However, with a little persistence, Spencer!Emily is eventually able to get Logan to talk. He tells her that he had never even met Dead Creepy Zombie Pedo Ian. Rather, he found an advertisement on line, offering him cash, if he pretended to be Ian and picked up some ransom money. After Logan accepted the “job,” the rest of the transaction was completed by phone. And the person on the other end of the line was . . . A WOMAN!
Now, I give credit where credit is due. And I have to say, for a PLL I have always described as being not the brightest bulb in the lamp, Emily has shown herself to be pretty smart this week. So, of course, before the episode ends, she has to do something PRETTY DARN STUPID to “even things out a bit” . . .
Spencer!Emily Trusts Police Boy Garrett (AGAIN!)
EMILY: “Hey, aren’t you that guy from the Lizzie McGuire Movie?”
GARRETT: “I have no idea what you are talking about.”
It’s been almost a year? Haven’t the PLL girls learned by now that all the cops in Rosewood are shady douche-monkeys, who just happen to look good with their shirts off?
Just like all Rosewood teachers like to make monkey with their younger students.
Oh, Deputy Douchey! I miss YOU!
For whatever reason, Spencer!Emily gets the bonehead idea to tell Police Boy Garrett about Logan Reed, and the whole Ransom Money Thing . . .
Riiiiight . . . because this guy has been SO helpful and trustworthy thus far, it TOTALLY makes sense to confide in him again.
Initially, of course, Police Boy Garrett shrugs off Emily’s information, basically telling her that Logan Reed doesn’t matter, since Ali’s killer, i.e. Ian, has already “confessed.” Later, however, we see him (1) paying Logan WADS OF CASH to leave town, and never talk to Emily, or any of the PLL girls, again . . .
Wow! That’s a lot of Green Stuff! They must pay cops REALLY WELL in Rosewood, which is strange, especially considering how bad they all suck.
. . . and (2) calling Blind Jenna to tell her everything has gone according to plan.
“Hey Baby, what are you wearing?”
“I don’t know. Whatever Toby dressed me in, this morning.”
In all honesty, I think most of us had figured out, long before this episode aired, that Blind Jenna and Police Boy Garrett were the ones who orchestrated the Ian Porn Tape Handoff, last season. But still, it was nice to FINALLY get conclusive evidence that this had occurred. And yet, aside from doing whatever it takes to keep their own relationship a secret, Police Boy Garrett’s and Blind Jenna’s connection to “A” and/or Ali’s murder still remains to be seen . . .
But fear not, my Pretties! Spencer!Emily still has one more sleuthing trick up her sleeve. However, I’m going to save that one for the very end of this recap, just to keep you guessing . . .
Speaking of Emily’s alter-ego / body swapping partner for the week . . .
No Good Deed Goes Unpunished (especially, when you are related to an EVIL WENCH like
Crazy Nanny Carrie Melissa)
Coincidentally, this is a photograph of Melissa . . . about two seconds before her head starts spinning around and spewing out green stuff.
Normally known for her Nancy Drew-itus, Spencer was surprisingly Emily-like this week, in that she opted to steer completely clear of “A”-themed drama, in favor of “moving on with her life.” In fact, when Emily first came to her with all her Super Sleuth News, Spencer COMPLETELY BLEW HER OFF!
Unfortunately for Spencer, A had other plans for her snarkiest victim. It all started when Spencer decided to do something nice for her traumatized, but still patently unlikeable, sister, by convincing her parents to give Dead Creepy Zombie Pedo Ian a full-fledged funeral, so that Melissa could get closure on her bizarre romantic relationship with the guy.
Remember this scene . . . where Spencer mistook her own grandmother for a reporter, and called her a Scum-Sucking Bottom Feeder over the phone, possibly giving the Old Lady a heart attack? Good times!
By the way, I always found it a bit strange that Creepy Pedo Ian seemingly had no family, whatsoever. Then again, this fact just confirms my suspicion that he is actually a Devil Spawn.
. . . or an Evil Leprechaun . . .
All this Scum Sucking Bottom Feederness is actually followed up by a very sweet, poignant, and touchingly well-acted moment, in which Spencer’s mother FINALLY apologizes for never believing Spencer about Creepy Pedo Ian being a total sociopath. (Now we’ve just got to wake Mommy up to the fact that her other daughter is a Psychotic Wench . . . baby steps.)
In addition to doing this, Mama Hastings also gets major points for STILL loving Dr. Wren as much as we do, and giving him his only shout-out in the entire episode.
Later, up in her room, Spencer starts looking for wedding rings online (not that Melissa would want to wear that ring NOW).
To her chagrin she learns that Creepy Pedo actually spent a whopping $10 Gs on Melissa’s ring. (The Rosewood school system must pay pretty well, I guess). Even the knock off rings are too rich for Spencer’s blood!
“Hmmm . . . I wonder how much money Toby is going to spend on MY wedding ring, considering I BOUGHT HIM A CAR.”
Always one to add insult to injury, “A” picks this as the opportune moment to drop Spencer a little love text . . .
Note: The word “ring” has TWO meanings . . . 😉
Later in the episode, Melissa does that thing she does every few episodes, in which she pretends to be nice to Spencer, by apologizing for not believing a word she says, turning her own parents against her, and basically torturing her, throughout her ENTIRE existence. But just when Spencer is about to confess her sins to her sister, a phone RINGS, from inside her purse.
Surprise! It’s Ian’s PHONE . . . the one “A’s” been using to send Melissa messages from a Dead Man . . .AND the one “A” slipped into Spencer’s purse at the end of last week’s episode, seemingly for this precise purpose. Now convinced that her own sister totally hates her
as much as all the viewers do, Melissa FREAKS OUT, and stomps off, leaving a shocked and saddened Spencer in her wake.
“What’s wrong? Was it something I texted?”
Poor Spencer! She can NEVER WIN . . . well . . . ALMOST never . . .
In that horrifying moment, Emily!Spencer was put to rest, and Sleuthing Spencer came out of retirement . . . possibly for good . . .
Meanwhile, in Hanna-land . . .
From “Eat, Pray, Love” to “Drink, Snap, Slap,” to “Hug, Kiss, Screw?”
When we first see Hanna, Caleb has stopped by her home again to
stare at her boobs some more see how she’s been holding up, since the Dead Body Encounter. At first, Hanna is not exactly responsive to Caleb’s obvious affectionate overtures. “One date does not a relationship make,” she lectures.
“OK . . . but how about multiple dates, some almost-shower sex, a few hot breakfast makeout sessions, my taking your virginity in a tent, and my living in your house for weeks, before, finally, telling you I love you. Does that a relationship make?”
Hanna apologizes for her rudeness, and inquires as to whether Caleb has ever seen a dead body before. He tells her that he has. (Something tells ME, there’s a juicy story there . . .) At some point during all this, Hanna’s mom barges in, all freaked out because Hanna has not been answering her cell phone.
In a surprisingly sweet scene, that serves as an excellent parallel to the one I described earlier between Spencer and her mom, Hanna’s mom admits that ever since this whole thing happened with Dead Creepy Pedo Zombie Ian, she has been frantic that something bad would happen to Hanna too (or, at least, something worse than all the awful crap that has already happened). Hanna
lies reassures her Mom that the worst is over, and the two share an intensely emotional hug, as Caleb looks on awkwardly at the Tampon Commercial playing out right before his very eyes . . .
In other Mama Marin is Trying to Be a Good Parent news, Mommy Dearest rightly instructed her daughter that a tight slutty little red dress is NOT appropriate funeral attire, no matter how much you despise the Dearly Departed . . . “It’s a funeral, not a Nicki Minaj concert,” Mama Marin quips, earning extra points for actually knowing who Nicki Minaj is . . .
But you don’t really care about Hanna and her Mom, do you? You want to hear more about HALEB! Well, my Pretties, you are in luck, because things are about to get pretty steamy in Haleb town . . .
Not this steamy, mind you . . . but close.
It all starts when Hanna apologizes to Caleb at school for forcing him to be a witness to her and her mother’s “chick flick.” Caleb admits that he envies Hanna’s close relationship with her mother. After all, Caleb’s only relationship with his Foster Mom is when she shows up at Social Services meetings to collect her checks.
Caleb notes that there’s a big difference between “Eat, Pray, Love” and “Drink, Snap, Slap.”
Hanna learns first hand that Caleb is telling the truth about his Evil Miss Hannigan from Annie-type Foster Mom, when she arrives at school, berating him for not making her look “good” at one of their meetings. Thinking fast
and rightly assuming that Evil Foster Mom knows precisely NOTHING about fashion, Hanna confronts Evil Foster Mom herself, claiming that if Momsy doesn’t promptly return to Caleb ALL the money she’s been basically stealing from him, Hanna’s mother, who works for the firm of Dolce, Gabbana and Leibowitz (ha ha ha) will sue the Walmart Clearance Rack pants off of her.
“I think I just pooped myself.”
Believe it or not, Caleb’s NotMom, though clearly clever enough to defraud the Foster Care System is also dumb enough to believe Hanna’s lame threat. So, she promptly leaves Caleb a wad of cash before skipping town for good. Recognizing that Hanna is clearly behind all this, Caleb ditches a night watching Goonies with Lucas . . .
Awww Lucas! You really ARE Seth Cohen Reincarnated, aren’t you?
. . . to spend some more time in Hanna’s kitchen eye f*&king her to pieces. And for THIS, Hanna rewards HIM, by cleaning his teeth with her tongue. Ahhhhh, Young Love!
Speaking of . . . well . . . slightly less Young Love . . .
Trouble in Ezria-land / Jason Makes His Move
Aria and Fitzy are having a little Heart-to-Heart in his New Swanky College Professor Office, while Fitzy’s Poor Man’s Megan Fox
and let’s face it, Megan Fox is already pretty Poor Man, herself ex-fiance lurks outside, sporting a major Puss Face.
Remember that awful movie, Jennifer’s Body, where Megan Fox . . . like ATE people? That’s kind of what I imagine Jackie would like to do to Aria here . . .
Awkwardness ensues when Jackie starts flirtatiously calling Fitzy “Z,” and Fitzy responds by referring to Aria as “My Former Student
Who I Occasionally Screw.”
Being the patient person she can sometimes be, Aria lets Fitzy off pretty easy for this relationship faux pas, by making him promise to start referring to her as his “friend” in the future.
With “friends” like these, who needs
sex toys enemies?
Back at home, Aria gets a late-night visit from Facelift Jason, who, apparently found Aria’s Sociopathic Kleptomaniac brother lurking around his yard, in the middle of the night. Facelift Jason SAYS that he doesn’t want to rat out Mike for stealing his stuff, because HE TOO, used to be a Very Bad Boy. And yet, the way he ogles Aria (not to mention, lingers for WAY TOO LONG by the doorway, long after Mike is safely back inside the house) makes me think that the REAL REASON that Facelift Jason didn’t rat out Aria’s brother, is because he wants to get into those Montgomery pink panties, STAT!
I have this theory that, in addition to being able to change his face and body at will, Facelift Jason also has X-ray Vision. (“The better to see what color bra you are wearing, My Dear Aria.”)
Later, in an intense discussion with Devil Boy Mike, Aria learns that HE is the one that
is probably “A” has been stealing camping gear, and other assorted supplies from houses throughout the neighborhood . . . just for fun.
Geez DUDE! You and Melissa should join the Evil Siblings Brigade!
Devil Boy is ALSO responsible for doing THIS to Aria, a few episodes back (while he was busy raiding Spencer’s house, of course) . . .
Nothing is sweeter than Brotherly LOVE!
At Ian’s funeral, Aria is pleasantly surprised when Fitzy arrives there to support her in her hour of need . . .
However, that happiness quickly sours, when Fitzy, upon being confronted by Aria’s parents, wimps out, and says he’s there to support “all his students.” (LAME!)
Oooh! You are SO in the Doghouse for that one, Fitzy!
Speaking of the funeral, I found the image of the four PLL girls standing front and center in front of the coffin, with not entirely solemn looks on their faces to be highly reminiscent of the PLL poster that ABC Family put out in early Season 1, as well as the show’s opening sequence. A very cool little parallel, Production Department! Kudos for this!
During the services, Aria spots a rather contrite-looking Facelift Jason sitting off to the side, and mentions his presence to Emily.
“I am so friggin high, I have no idea how I got here . . .”
With an attitude highly reminiscent of the judgy snarkiness Spencer used to use to describe Abs Toby, back in Season 1, Emily angrily calls Facelift Jason A FREAK! And it, honestly, seems really out of character for Emily, especially since she was the FIRST of the PLL girls to trust Toby, back when everyone else was calling HIM a freak . . .
Then again, those Abs ARE freakishly sexy!
I was momentarily confused by this. But then I remembered that this week Emily is Spencer!Emily. So, I decided to let it go . . .
“Oh, shut up and go back into your OWN body, SPENCER!”
After the services, Aria gives Fitzy ONE LAST CHANCE to make things right between them, by admitting to him that all she wants is ONE SINGLE ITTY BITTY HUG from him right now. I actually think this was a fairly REASONABLE request on Aria’s part. After all, EVERYONE HUGS at funerals. It’s not exactly a gesture that screams Illicit Affair. And besides, Fitzy had to notice how vulnerable Aria was in that moment. But . . . HE WIMPED OUT ANYWAY, rushing away from the scene as fast as his little pasty white legs could carry him . . .
So, partly to get revenge on Fitzy, and partly, because she was genuinely concerned for his well-being, Aria goes to sit next to Facelift Jason on the bench.
Now, as much as I tease Facelift Jason (and I don’t plan on stopping anytime soon), I must say that I think Drew Van Acker is actually a pretty darn talented actor. (And it doesn’t hurt that he shares a major resemblance to Sasha Pieterse’s Ali) This scene, in which Facelift Jason admitted to Aria, always having been jealous of Ali, and worrying that the wrong child in his family died, was oddly touching. Lucy Hale was also stellar in this scene. And the way she comforted Facelift Jason seemed really genuine to me.
During this exchange, we also learned that, up until Creepy Pedo Ian’s death, Facelift Jason always worried that HE killed Ali, since he was so stoned and drunk the night of her murder that he blacked out and doesn’t remember a thing. What’s worse, “A” seemed to have left a note in his pocket on that fateful night . . .
Hey, isn’t that the name of a movie?
(Geez! Imagine how disappointed Facelift Jason is going to be, when he finds out that Creepy Pedo Ian DIDN’T really kill Alison, and that he’s still a suspect.
Then again, by that point, he will probably be too busy sucking face with Aria to care.)
Speaking of the Dead Guy . . .
It’s SNUFF FILM TIME!
Remember earlier on in this recap, when I said that Spencer!Emily has one more Sleuthing Trick up her sleeve? Well, here it is! Upon getting a message and a map from A, connecting Ian’s coffin to Ali’s, Emily decides to take the rest of the PLL’s on a fun little cemetery field trip. When they get to Ali’s grave, that old porn video that supposedly showed Ian
having sex with killing Alison plays from a projector somewhere in the midst . . . except, NOW the video is unedited. And NOW it shows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Creepy Pedo DID NOT kill Ali!
The question, of course, is WHO DID? And why did “A” seemingly trick the girls into thinking Ian was the killer? As the episode draws to a close, we see a dark (kind of short?) figure emerge from the darkness, carrying a video projector. The ominscient “A” has struck again!
So, my Pretties! I turn this episode over to YOU. What did you think? Any guesses now as to who “A” is? How about Ali’s killer? Do you hate Melissa and Mike as much as I do? Are you Team Ezria or Team Jaria? And, most importantly, when do you think Dr. Wren and Abs Toby are coming back?
See ya next week!
(P.S. Special thanks to THIS AMAZING WEBSITE for all the spectacular screencaps you see here!)