This is not your mother’s Teen Wolf . . .
It doesn’t play nice. It isn’t a fan of Happy Endings. And it won’t offer it’s girlfriend a chaste kiss on the cheek at the end of the first date, just because she isn’t “that kind of girl” . . .
Nope. This is the kind of Teen Wolf that shoots teddy bears in the heart with semi-automatic weapons . . . who will steal the girl of your dreams, right out from under your nose. This is the Teen Wolf who fights dirty . . . who’s mom will cut you in half, over a plate of cookies . . . who will throw you into the fire, because you tried to steal his bottle Jack Daniels . . .
Oh, Scott! I remember when our biggest complaint about you was that you were kind of whiny, and your love scenes with Allison were boring / made us a little nauseous. Those were the Good Old Days . . .
Though “Panic Attack” wasn’t necessarily this show’s scariest episode (That award would probably go to the episode where all that crap came out of Jackson’s mouth, and poor Derek was gutted like a fish), and certainly wasn’t its goriest (HELLO! The episode(s) where they showed Derek’s HALF-sister! EWWW!), I’d like to go on the record, and say it was definitely the show’s darkest installment.
So, hide your teddy bears, kiddies — because our hero is about to get the Worst Case of Wolf PMS . . . EVER!
(Special thanks go out again to my Super Talented Werewolf Expert, and Screencap-Creating Pal, Andre, for most of the still images you see here.)
Dr. Jack Will Make You DIE, TONIGHT!
Interestingly enough, this entire opening scene could have doubled as One Long Ass Jack Daniels commercial . . . well, except for the DOUBLE HOMICIDE PART . . .
Last night, on True Blood, fans of the show were treated to the fabulousness that is Drunk Eric Northman. This week on Teen Wolf, MTV continued the “Inebriation is AWESOME” trend, by rewarding us with an adorably Drunk Stiles.
I love that Stiles has chosen to don a “Drinking T-Shirt” for this momentous occasion. Extra points for you, if you can tell me what his shirt says . . .
Here’s a closer look . . . I’ve seriously been driving myself nuts trying to figure this out.
Two nights have passed since our Scooby Gang had their little run-in with the Alpha. This means it has also been two nights, since Allison kicked Scott to the curb for . . . ummm . . . lying and stuff. If we’ve learned anything about Scott, in these past few episodes, we’ve learned that he
‘s insanely self absorbed has a tendency to get a bit mopey, when things don’t go his way. So, you just KNOW that Poor Stiles has had to listen to the Ballad of Scott’s Life Sucks Because Allison is Gone, pretty much on repeat, for the past 48 hours . . .
“Nevermind the fact that you recently told me that you sometimes have the urge to MURDER ME. Please, let’s talk more about YOU and your lame girlfriend problem . . .”
So, Stiles, being the
completely undeserved awesome pal that he is, decides to do for Scott what all best buds do for pals, who just got kicked to the curb by their so-called soulmates. He takes him out to some shady parking lot, to get him sh*t-faced, of course!
But, alas, Scott’s newfound wolfishness has had the unintended side effect of making him the OPPOSITE of a cheap date. And so it happens that Scott ends up stone cold sober, and still riding the WAHHHHHHH-mbulance of Dumpee-dom, while Stiles entertains us all with the joys of listening to him slur about how much he LOOOOOOOOOOVES a certain five-foot-three red-head named Lydia . . .
(See Scott? It’s too bad you couldn’t have gotten yourself turned into a vampire, instead. Vampires never have ANY trouble getting wasted, when a woman mistreats them . . .)
Case in point . . .
Scott’s and Stiles’ little gab fest is unceremoniously interrupted, when two random dudes try to steal their booze.
Oh, honey! Didn’t you get the memo? NO ONE over the age of 15 should wear their hats like that . . .
BAD MOVE! Now Scott is ANGRY! And you won’t like him when he’s ANGRY . . .
“Give me the bottle of Jack,” growls Scott, in a voice that’s WAY sexier than his usual whining voice!
He also gets those trademark yellow eyes, I love so much. The two random dudes are obviously turned on by him too, because they promptly hand back the liquor, and start scampering away like little b*tches. Then Scott does something shocking: HE BREAKS A STILL-HALF-FULL BOTTLE OF JACK DANIELS, ON PURPOSE!
Talk about a senseless waste of booze! I mean, come on, Scott! Don’t you realize that there are starving children in East Poorsitania (Yes, I made that up.
I didn’t want to risk offending anyone.) who don’t have ANY Jack Daniels to drink, when their girlfriends dump them. Seriously . . . ungrateful much?
But that’s not all! Soon after Scott and Stiles leave, the Alpha hunts down the Two Random Dudes and THROWS BOTH THEIR BODIES INTO A VAT OF FIRE . . . and all over a bottle of Jack.
Clearly, THIS Guy is a graduate of the Stiles’ School of Acting Like a Bat . . .
Could you imagine if it was something more expensive (like, for example, Johnnie Walker Blue). What would the Alpha have done then? Tied them up, and made them watch The Notebook eight times?
Parents Just Don’t Understand . . .
Pssst, Scott! Wanna get out of taking that test? Try the Running Your Thermometer Under Hot Water Trick. So, what if she’s a nurse . . . Your Mom will never know the difference.
Parents on teen shows are usually so effed up and dysfunctional, that it’s refreshing to see Scott’s Mom and Stiles’ Dad both (so far) seem so kind, well-adjusted, and, let’s face it, normal.
Mommy tries to make Scott feel better about losing Allison, by recounting for him all the times that she’s met the business end of the dumping stick. But, as you know, DENIAL is often the first stage of the grieving process. And Scott is experiencing it BIG TIME, when he claims that he and Allison are just “on a break.” And that he’s going to “get her back.”
We then get our first obligatory Shirtless Scott Shot of the episode, when he strips and heads toward the shower, offering us a near-identical image to the one we got of him doing this exact same thing in the Pilot episode . . .
At least we know he has good hygiene!
Another important thing to note about this scene (aside from the size of Scott’s pects), is the fact that the radio announcer on Scott’s alarm noted that local police are still on the lookout for Serial Killer Derek Hale.
So much for telling a Harmless Little White Lie, because you didn’t know how else to explain that your friends were being STALKED BY A WEREWOLF, Scott!
*cough douchebag cough*
Terrified that his “sweet innocent” daughter will end up getting Little Red Riding Hooded, on the way to school, Papa Argent insists on driving Allison to Beacon Hills High, while Auntie Kate the Werewolf Slayer tries to keep the peace, while riding shotgun. (On the message boards, many of you noted a weird sexual tension between Auntie Kate and Papa Argent. Really? What show do you think this is, Game of Thrones?)
With Allison safely out of earshot, Papa A gives Auntie K the perfect opportunity to say “I told you so,” when he apologizes to her for underestimating the POWER OF THE ALPHA . . .
(Is it just me or does Papa A REALLY look like a pirate in this screencap? “Arrrgh! Walk the plank, Katey! I want me GOLD!”)
Fortunately for Mr. Argent, Kate the Werewolf Slayer is WAY TOO hungry for “I told you so’s.” She’d rather make a food run, instead.
OK . . . I take back what I said, these two are definitely doing the DEED . . .
Hmmm . . . if Kate REALLY wants to make a McDonald’s run, it looks like she’s going to have to get out and PUSH THE CAR THERE . . .
In the SECOND sweetest, parent-child scene to come out of this episode (The first is yet to come), a very concerned Stiles warns his Dad to be careful when searching for
the Alpha Derek. Now, maybe it’s because he got hurt by the “mountain lion” a few episodes back. But I have to say, all this emphasis on Stiles’ dad’s safety over the past few episodes has me REALLY WORRIED about his mortality on the show . . .
Please don’t make Stiles an orphan, Papa S! Or we will never get to see the inevitable storyline where you hook up with Scott’s Mom, and make funny, sarcastic babies, with really nice abs . . .
Testing, Testing 1, 2, 3 . . .
Lydia made a snide comment about Allison’s outfit in this scene, but has anyone checked out what Lydia is wearing? Ummm ewwww!
At school, Needy Allison needs reassurance from Lydia that she did the “right thing” by dumping Scott. Lydia plays her part, and agrees, “He locked us in a classroom, and left us for dead!” She exclaims emphatically. (Well, actually, he locked you in a classroom and then TRIED TO KILL YOU. But, hey, there’s no need to be nitpicky about such small details.) Interestingly enough, Lydia’s assessment of what happened on “School Night” will come into play later on in the episode. So, try to keep it in mind . . .
In class, a rather Obsessed-Looking Scott tries to talk to Allison, but the Creepy Emo-Looking Teacher Who Everybody Thinks is the Alpha (more on that later) makes him sit down, before he can do that.
What happens next is arguably the most telling aspect of the episode, in terms of how Scott’s connection with the Alpha works. First, Scott begins to experience sensitivity to light and sound, something many of us (myself included) initially thought would happen to him ALL TIME, as a result of him being a werewolf. However, in actuality, it only seems to occur during SPECIFIC times.
Then come the NEW TEST QUESTIONS . . .
Now, the simplest explanation for these hallucinations would be that the proximity to the Full Moon, coupled with recent events, have caused Scott’s psyche to play little tricks on him. And yet, the hallucinations themselves seem SO SPECIFICALLY designed to upset Scott, and trigger his werewolf response, that we, as viewers, can’t help but wonder whether the Alpha is creating them. This raises the interesting question, particularly in light of later events, of how close the psychic connection is between the Alpha and Scott?
How much control does the Alpha have over the things Scott sees and the way he behaves? (Later on in the episode, we will see another example of Scott’s hallucinations that may or may not be Alpha-induced.) Of course, if we assume that it is the Alpha who is causing Scott to hallucinate in this way, than the most obvious culprit is the Emo-Looking Teacher . . .
“I’ll get you my pretty, and your little Stiles too!”
After all, he has the most access to Scott and the test, at this particular moment in time. (Did I mention he’s really creepy?) Then again, it could just as easily be any student in that classroom. However, if the psychic connection between an Alpha an has pack has no limit in terms of distance, it could really be ANYBODY in Beacon Hills . . .
You can run, but you can’t hide, Dog Boy!
When Scott rushes out of the class in Full-On Freak Out Mode, Emo-Looking Teacher doesn’t seem to surprised or upset. He does, however, seem a bit perturbed when Stiles rushes out after him . . .
Adventures in Homoeroticism, Part 263 (We Make Bathtime LOTS OF FUN!)
“Umm . . . Stiles . . . I think I dropped the soap. (hint, hint)”
I love that Stiles knew IMMEDIATELY that Scott would head to the showers, at the first sign of a panic attack. (I’m telling you, this Dude just LOVES getting naked and clean!) “I can’t breathe,
KISS ME, YOU FOOL!” Scott exclaims, as he strikes yet another ridiculously sexually suggestive pose for his friend (and for the female viewers) . . .
Introducing Mr. July . . .
“Well, I’m still not sure whether Danny finds me attractive, but I’m starting to think that YOU do!”
Luckily for Scott, Stiles just happens to have Scott’s old inhaler handy . . . you know . . . the one he hasn’t used since the Pilot episode? (Ummm . . . I love you, Stiles. But that’s a little strange . . . even for you.)
After Scott is done blowing, Stiles explains to him that he didn’t actually NEED the inhaler. Rather, Scott was having a panic attack, and THINKING that he needed the inhaler helped him snap himself out of it . . .
(Two weeks ago, Stiles taught Scott what “sarcasm” was. This week, he taught him “irony.” Next week, I predict he will finally teach Scott how to read . . .)
In all seriousness though, Stiles is like, seriously, the Best Friend on the Planet
who Scott doesn’t even begin to deserve. And for this reason, when he started talking about how he suffered from panic attacks, after his Mom passed away, I must admit I got a little teary . .
OK . . . make that A LOT teary . . .
Once Scott has calmed down some, Stiles explains to him that he’s not the first guy in the world to get dumped by a girl. “It’s called heartbreak. There are like TWO BILLION SONGS written about it,” he offers, quite rationally.
Scott responds, in a bit of a non-sequitur, that Stiles should lock him up the night of the Full Moon, because . . .
Meanwhile, over at the Walmart of Guns . . .
Newsflash: Allison’s Mom is Just as Batsh*t Crazy as the Rest of Her Family . . .
Andre helpfully pointed out to me that the hunter dude on the left is also one of the detectives, who was apparently at the school investigating the “Serial Killer Situation.” How very convenient!
The Argent Hunters are having a little Pre-Full Moon pow wow. Papa Argent notes that all the wolves, including the Alpha, are at their most vulnerable / nutty, during the Full Moon. Therefore, this will be the best time to catch them. Meanwhile Auntie Kate, who never met a weapon
or a man she didn’t want to fondle, notes that, while the Alpha might be out during this precarious time, Sexy Derek wouldn’t be stupid enough to make such a rookie wolf mistake . . .
Was anyone else hoping her gun would accidentally go off, during this scene? Because THAT would be hilarious.
Then Mama Argent, who, if you recall said BARELY A WORD, during her premiere episode, back when Scott came to the Argent’s house for dinner for the first time, creepily pops in, and randomly instructs her family to chop Derek in half, before offering the crew some homemade cookies
laced with cyanide.
Break my Derek, and I’ll break your face, B*TCH! (By the way, doesn’t this woman kind of look like a slightly older version of the main alien chick from that recently-canceled show, V? Just sayin’)
Wanna Bite Me?
Back at school, Allison and Jackson are busy eating food off eachother’s faces, when Jackson echoes Lydia’s entirely self-serving comment that, YES, Allison did the TOTALLY RIGHT THING dumping Scott. Jackson then shows Allison what a mature and evolved dude he is, by sucking his thumb . . .
Allison unintentionally kills the mood a bit, by asking Jackson if she wants a bite of his food. Of course, she intends the comment to be flirtatious
HUSSY!. However, Jackson, who is undoubtedly always subconsciously thinking about the NEVER EVER HEALING Derek Love Tap on the back of his neck, mishears her, and think she is asking him about his “bite.”
Upon hearing the inquiry, the color drains from Jackson’s face, and he subconsciously starts rubbing his neck. Actually, considering that what’s on Jackson’s neck is pretty obviously a SCRATCH, and not a bite, his reaction here is a bit strange. (Then again, there is some evidence later on in the episode to suggests that Jackson might have initially had NO CLUE what Derek did to him. So, maybe he thought it was a “bite” after all.)
Upon hearing Jackson and Allison flirting with his conveniently appearing and disappearing Super Wolf Senses, Scott, who is sitting in the locker area at the time, reacts by doing this . . .
Well, SOMEONE is going to have a massive headache, tomorrow morning . . .
First Line and First SLIME!
Stiles gets the surprise is his life, when do the outbreak of some random illness amongst the lacrosse team, he gets selected (though they misspell his name, causing him to proudly refer to himself as “Biles”) to play First Line in the upcoming game . . .
You ever notice how Stiles is always puffing his cheeks out like this? He must be REALLY good at blowing. 😉
Oh, Come ON, Scott! At least pretend to be excited for your friend, Ya DOUCHE!
Scott gets some good news too. The Coach has suddenly decided to make him a Co-Captain, along with Jackson. This announcement results in Jackson wetting his diaper, and crying for his Mommy . . .
Though Jackson and his cronies begin plotting to bring Scottie boy down, so that he will lose his new Position of Power, Nice Guy Danny sticks up Scott, reminding Jackson that he is a “good player.”
Hey Danny! I don’t know you that well, but I already like you. By the way, do you think Stiles is attractive? Inquiring minds want to know . . .
Back on the bench, Mr. I Only Think About Myself Scott grumbles that he “smells jealousy.” This prompts Stiles to wonder whether he can smell “other things” as well
(Like farts?), like SEXUAL DESIRE! (Actually, Stiles, I think MOST humans can smell that . . .) Stiles then asks Scott to ask Lydia if she “likes him,” because, apparently, they are in fourth grade . . . Nevertheless, Scott agrees to do this for his pal. And Stiles is obviously appreciative of the gesture . . .
So, remember how, when Allison asked Lydia if she thought she did the right thing, by dumping Scott, Lydia replied that Scott was basically a selfish bastard who left them all for dead? Suddenly, when confronted with Scott in person, Lydia has distinctly changed her tune. Now she’s all “you tried to protect us,” and “Allison should be grateful.”
Something happens to Scott, at that moment. He gets this
EXTREMELY SEXY intense and mean look in his eyes, and he asks Lydia, if she is grateful for him. She responds by cleaning his teeth with her tongue . . .
Hey Scott? Ever hear of the phrase, “BROS BEFORE HOS!” Learn it . . . live it . . . BE IT!
To make matters even worse, when Scott returns to practice, he tell Stiles that Lydia is actually interested in him. At which point Stiles turns around and punches Scott in the face. Ooops, sorry. That was what I WANTED TO DO to Scott at this point . . . Stiles believed his friend, and looked depressingly excited over the whole thing . . .
Lipstick on Your Face (Told a Tale on YOU!)
Just when it looks like we are in for another long boring lacrosse scene, things actually start to get interesting. Two of Jackson’s cronies make good on their promise to get rid of him as Co-Captain, by deliberately knocking him down. Scott then responds in kind, by knocking THEM down. But then, he inexplicably does THIS . . . TO DANNY, the only guy on the Team, aside from Stiles, who was actually willing to give him the benefit of the doubt . . .
“I think I’m dying! Before I go, please tell Stiles I think he’s attractive! I can’t leave this Earth, without him knowing!”
Way to lose friends, and alienate people, Scott ASSHAT!
Oddly enough, the Coach looks eerily pleased by this whole course of events . . .
Was that an Alpha growl I heard come out of your mouth, Coach Cupcake?
Amidst all this, Lydia rushes onto the field with SEX HAIR, and
blow job kissy face. Her unusually disheveled appearance does not go unnoticed by Jackson . . . or Stiles for that matter . . .
Uh OH, Scott! It looks like your lacrosse stick isn’t the ONLY long pointed object getting you in trouble, lately . . .
No Teddy Bears Were Harmed in the Making of This Scene . . .
Thankfully, Mr. Bear was wearing a bullet-proof vest, the ENTIRE TIME!
Most Cool Hip Aunts take their teenage nieces shopping to bond with them. Auntie Kate opts instead for target practice on Winnie the Pooh! 😦
Wipe that smile off your face, MURDERER!
Not surprisingly, the anguish of shooting Mr. Bear causes Allison to break into tears. (It’s OK, Allison. I cried when you shot Mr. Bear too!) Of course, Auntie Kate malevolently uses this tender moment to grill Allison on Scott and his relationship with Derek, since Allison unwittingly brought the latter’s name up, when discussing her Girl Pain . . .
“I know this is probably a bad time. But do you think you could find out from Scott, if Derek thinks I’m attractive? Because I would really like to lick him . . .”
Meanwhile, back at Asshat Scott’s house . . .
Lay Down with Scott, Wake up with Fleas (and probably crabs)
Sitting in the same chair, where Scott once found the Sexy Derek lying in wait for him . . .
Woah . . . they look really similar in these two shots! I wonder if this was intentional . . .
. . . Evil Scott contemplates EATING THE WORLD . . .
Meanwhile, Stiles (who made a key to Scott’s house, which is either really sweet, or really stalkerish, I can’t decide which) is downstairs, chatting with Scott’s Mom (who is conveniently on her way to work) about all the “Lunatics” (get it, LUNA . . . as in MOON?) who lurk in the shadows on Full Moon nights . . .
“Oh, LUNATICS . . . like your son!”
Stiles quickly heads upstairs, and instructs Scott to chain himself to the radiator, in response to the impending Full Moon. Mr. Resourceful even came with his OWN chains, for this very purpose. But when Scott refuses, Stiles takes the initiative, and DOES IT FOR HIM!
“That was for MAKING OUT WITH LYDIA!” Stiles remarks, as he stomps out of the room.
HELL YEAH, STILES! YOU TEACH THAT BASTARD NOT TO MESS WITH HIS BESTIE!
Stiles isn’t done torturing Scott yet. He later returns with a DOGGY BOWL that has his friend’s name written on it in Magic Marker. It’s actually pretty hilarious . . .
But when Stiles leaves, and Scott starts boo hooing and whining to be let go, you can see that it effects our Sweet Boy Wonder . . .
Poor Guy! (You should really consider neutering your dog. Think of all the problems it could solve!)
Unfortunately, for Stiles, all it takes is for him to run downstairs for a minute. And by the time he returns, a VERY WOLFED OUT SCOTT IS GONE!
Oops! (He should have put one of those shock collars on him to keep him on the property!)
Meanwhile . . .
Blah, Blah, Jackson and Allison, Blah . . . Hey, DEREK’S BACK! YEAH!
YEAH BABY! YEAH!
So, Allison and Jackson meet in a sporting goods store. They flirt. They decide to go back to the car together to TALK about what happened to them and zzzzzzzzzzz. Apparently, neither of them believe Scott’s story that Derek was the one stalking them at the school. Rather, they both seem to think their assailant was a man /beast amalgamation . . .
“That kind of looks like an ex-girlfriend of mine . . .”
Allison and Jackson begin talking intently with one another. And though they are clearly both doing “the lean,” this doesn’t seem to be a Pre-Makeout talk, if you catch my drift . . .
And yet, Wolf Scott, in, what some might assume to be YET ANOTHER Alpha-induced hallucination sees these two going at it like . . . well like HE AND LYDIA were going at it, earlier in the day!
*cough douchebag cough* So, he wolfs out, and jumps on top of the car. But just when he’s about to pound through its roof, and kill Jackson . . .
Derek Hale emerges from the darkness and SAVES THE DAY! YIPPEE!
Back in the human form, Captain Obvious Scott admits to The Guy He Made into a Number One Murder Suspect that he cannot date Allison because he is too dangerous of a mother f*&ker to have a girlfriend. Derek agrees, and reveals some VERY INTERESTING information. As it turns out, there’s a CURE to werewolfism-by-bite, and it’s SUPRRISE: KILLING THE WOLF THAT BIT YOU!
OK, Derek . . . now, I love you more than life itself, but talk about BURYING THE LEAD. For WEEKS, you have wanted Scott to help you kill the Alpha. And for WEEKS, he’s basically ignored you. Don’t you think THIS would have been persuasive information you could have used to get him to join your Kill Alpha Team from DAY ONE?
I’m sorry, Derek! But it had to be said.
Please don’t let our little disagreement influence your decision to, one day, have hot animal sex with me.
Later, Jackson finds one of Scott’s wolfy claws in his lacrosse glove, and FINALLY starts to piece together what Derek did to him, and what Scott is . . .
It’s about damn time!
Elsewhere, Kate begins to wonder whether Derek has a YOUNGER SMALLER Beta
IT’S SCOTT! IT’S SCOTT! wolf running around with him . . .
You didn’t honestly think I’d end this recap without at least ONE shirtless Derek picture, did you?
Oh, and I almost forgot, Stiles saw someone getting pulled out in a stretcher, after the whole Scott incident, and thought his dad had been KILLED!
But, it was SOMEONE ELSE’S DAD! Papa Stiles is just FINE!
(OK . . . I wrote that in a really mean way. But, seriously, this was the most touching father / son moment EVER!)
And that was “Panic Attack” in a nutshell. So . . . what did you think? Are you a fan of Evil Scott? (I AM . . . at least in terms of Posey’s darker, more layered portrayal of him. I think he does a suprisingly nice job of it, especially considering I was dubious about his acting skills, up to this point.)
Are you on the Jackson / Allison ship? The Scott / Lydia one? Are you loving Stiles more and more every week, like I am? Do you wish Derek rescued Allison and Jackson, while shirtless? Oh . . . and who do you think is the Alpha?
I think I’ve left you enough questions to ponder between now and next Monday night, don’t you? See you next time, Werebangers!