“Marnie can’t come to the phone right now. (Her body has been inhabited by a 400+ year old Evil She-Witch.) But if you leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message, she will return your call, before you can say: ‘The Sun. The Suuuuuuuuuun!”
Greetings, Fangbangers! Well, another episode of True Blood has come and gone. And the elusive Seric Shower Scene is still a no-show . . .
But hey! We still got about five-minutes total of Seric and Alcide engaged in no-holds barred, Wham, Bam, Thank you, Vampire Porn!
Alcide Porn sold separately.
By the way, did anybody catch that little sneak peek of Wet Soapy SOMETHING in next week’s previews? 😉
But that’s next week! We’ve gotta talk about THIS week! So, wrap yourself in silver, and prepare for a ride on the Big Pink Coffin, because it’s GO TIME!
(By the way, special thanks go out again to skarsgardfans.com, for the awesome screencaps you see here.)
Look Out for those Zombies!
Hey Katie . . . this might not be the best time to ask this . . . but . . . now that you’re dead . . . do you think I can have your IPad?
One thing must be said about King Cockblock . . . er, I mean, Beeell . . . he sure pays his security staff well. How else would Katie be able to afford the IPad she was using to play some Random Zombie Game, in the opening moments of the episode, right before her life got snuffed out, faster than a Mathlete in a Dodgeball Game?
Katie is forced to take a break from killing zombies, when she hears a cry for help. It’s Witchipoo! And (gasp) she’s being attacked by Rapey Mc Vampire . . .
“Has anybody ever told you, you look like the guy on those Mr. Clean Bottles?”
“But WAIT,” you say. “I’m CONFUSED! I thought, at the end of last week’s episode, Marnie was CONTROLLING Rapey Mc Vampire’s BOD . . . . Ooooooooh!”
That’s right, boys and girls, our little Queen Sophie Anne look-alike has fallen into a trap . . . and that trap’s name is “Antonia.” (I’m SO glad, I don’t have to call her Inner Witch, anymore!)
“She’s right, you know. You TOTALLY look like Mr. Clean!”
Within seconds, a zombified Rapey McVampire is attacking Katie, like it’s his job, which, right now, it is . . .
Witchipoo gets Rapey McVampire to compel Katie to tell him the nearest exits, and clear them, to ensure Witchipoo’s escape. Once this is done, Witchipoo instructs Rapey to KILL Katie. But, of course, she doesn’t allow him to do it by feeding. (Way to be a buzzkill, Witchipoo!)
Wait . . . did she just tell Mr. Clean’s evil vampire twin to “Stay Clean?” Why do I feel like I just walked into a commercial for one of those nifty Magic Erasers . . .
Perfect for those pesky blood stains . . .
Having successfully dispatched of Katie, Witchipoo has one more task for Rapey McVampire. It involves
FINALLY revealing her friggin name delivering a Very Important Message to King Cockblock . . .
(By the way, kudos to
Aunt Petunia Fiona Shaw for rockin’ the dual roles. Witchipoo Antonia is as terrifying and deliciously naughty, as Witchipoo Marnie is doddering and scatterbrained! The new accent is pretty cool too!)
Meanwhile, outside Merlotte’s, another feisty female is having a run-in with a zombie . . . or at least a vampire who looks like one . . .
“Umm . . . Pam, you have a little something on your forehead . . .”
Now, I love Vampire Pam to death (appropriate choice of words), but, can I just say, I am SO TIRED of looking at that chewed-up face of hers. Thank goodness her little doctor friend was able to undo some of the damage . . .
Anywhoo . . . Vampire Pam starts attacking Tara and her girlfriend.
KILL HER! KILL HER! And it REALLY looks like she’s going to kill Tara. KILL HER! KILL HER! In fact, she probably would have, if those fabulous folks at TMZ didn’t interrupt. Cockblocks!
Damn you, Harvey Levin! Damn YOU!
“What’s the matter with your face? Are you sure you aren’t a zombie?” The TMZ journalists wonder. (You can always count on TMZ to ask the hard-hitting questions.)
Knowing full well that a public human killing, will result in certain death by King Cockblock, Face-Off Pam is
unfortunately forced to retract her fangs and retreat . . .
Damn you, King Cockblock! Damn YOU!
Later that night, Tara’s girlfriend, once again implores her to leave crazy Bon Temps behind her.
GO WITH HER, TARA! GO! But noooo . . . Tara, who apparently has a death wish, has to give some lame speech about how everybody she’s ever had a relationship with . . . all two of them . . . have ended up dead. (But Tara . . . you screwed Sam, and he’s still alive . . . for now.)
“I’m already dialing 911 for you, Lovely!”
Long story short, Tara breaks up with Cage Fighting Girl, who drives away in a huff, taking any redeeming qualities Tara may have had during the first six episodes, right along with her . . .
But hey, before Pam left, she told Tara that she would turn her into confetti (Ooh! Party!). So, there’s hope . . .
“I See Singing Dead People”
“I’m only here, because they told me I looked too old to be on Glee. Shhhh! Don’t tell anyone!”
So far, my Laffy Taffy, La La (a.k.a. Lafayette) seems to be winning the award for Cast Member tied up in the Most Storylines . . .
“That’s because, I’m the prettiest, Hooker!”
Let’s see, he started off as a reluctant member of Witchipoo’s coven, spent a few episodes with Grandpa Goatlicker (where he found out he has the power to be possessed by the dead . . . which I STILL think is the most awful, unhelpful, magical superhero power since Glow Fingers . . .)
Then again, I guess you would save a lot of money on flashlights . . .
Then, we find him back at Merlotte’s freaking out because that weird Ghost Lady with the big freaky eyes popped up out of nowhere and started singing to the Evil Baby . . .
“Hey, La La! It’s me, Evil Baby. Question: You wouldn’t by chance be related to that character on the Teletubbies, would you?”
By the way, did you notice how La La called Evil Baby, “Little Booger?” Now, there’s a nickname you have to hope, doesn’t stick . . .
You Screw, I Screw . . .
DEBBIE: “Alcide, stop making that noise!”
ALCIDE: “Ummm . . . that’s not ME!”
Poor Alcide! He’s so whipped by Trailer Trash Debbie, you can get rope burn on your back, just from watching him! This week, we find Alcide and Trailer Trash at a pack initiation meeting. Greasypoo the Werewolf is rubbing blood on their heads, like its the best gift, since the Tiffany necklace . . . Of course, Trailer Trash, that needy wench, is thrilled . . . probably because it reminds her of her old pack, and how they all used to get high on V together . . .
Alcide, on the other hand, is looking pretty effing miserable. And Debbie, who’s smarter than we give her credit for (but just a VERY little bit), knows exactly what Mopey Alcide’s problem is. Let me give you a hint: It starts with an “S” and ends with an “ookie.”
DEBBIE: “Why so glum? Fairy got your tongue?
ALCIDE: “I WISH . . . er . . . I mean . . . um . . . I’m just tired. Yeah, that’s it, tired!”
Trailer Trash Debbie’s concerned that, while Alcide is at the pack meeting with her, in his mind he’s off having woodland creature sex with a certain Blonde Telepathic Fairy Waitress. “I’m just
wishing I could bang her brains out worried about her, out alone during a full moon,” Alcide explains.
Believe it or not, it is actually Trailer Trash who suggests the pair leaving the pack meeting and looking for Sookie. (It’s almost as if shesomehow knew what they would find!). As Alcide and Debbie, travel through the woods, they hear the distinct sounds of Sookie. Oh no! She sounds like she’s in pain . . .
Woah! Someone’s going to need an icepack, later . . . for her Yahoo Place! 😉
Cut to Alcide at home, later that night, banging Trailer Trash’s brains out through Angry Revenge Sex . . .
Special thanks go out to Sookie, Eric, and Trailer Trash Debbie, for making this glorious moment possible . . .
Next thing you know Needy Trailer Trash Debbie is boo hooing about Alcide secretly being in love with Sookie, hence the Angry Revenge Sex. (Hey, wake up and smell the dog biscuit, honey! YOU ARE GETTING TO HAVE SEX WITH ALCIDE! So, what if he doesn’t love your trailer trash ass! Beggars can’t be choosers . . .
Anyway, Alcide reassures Debbie that she’s the only one he loves, and, blah, blah, blah . . . Less talking, more screwing, please!
Speaking of more screwing . . .
I’ll be honest, I typically don’t find watching booty sex to be particularly erotic. But there’s just something about the three-way mirror, Amnesia Eric’s flawless form, and the way he rubs his hand across the small of her back sensually, as he’s doing his thing, that just . . . well . . . whew, is it hot in here?
Remember last week, when I talked about how difficult it must have been for Sookie and Eric to move their makeout session from the porch to the couch, without stopping once for air? Well, how about going from ALL THE WAY IN THE WOODS to the living room, to Sookie’s bedroom, without ever stopping to . . . um . . . “reload?”
I guess having sex is kind of like riding a
person. once you do it, you never forget how . . . even if you are suffering from amnesia . . .
After HOURS and HOURS
(and HOURS AND HOURS) of unadulterated love making of which, unfortunately, we only got to witness about three minutes (Now, if that’s not reason to buy the Season 4 DVD’s in search of Deleted Scenes, I don’t know WHAT is!), Sookie and Eric finally fall into bed together, for some post-coital pillow talk . . .
SOOKIE: “You know, I’ve been thinking about that sleeveless hoodie you’ve been wearing for the past few episodes. It’s AWFUL. How about tomorrow we get you dressed up in a whole NEW look. I was thinking something a long the lines of Farmer Chic?”
ERIC: “Farmer Chic? Man, Sookie! My thousand and sixty five year old GRANDMA has a better fashion sense than you!”
In the first of many similar conversations Eric and Sookie have throughout the episode, a concerned Amnesia Eric wonders whether Sookie will still love him, when he gets his memory back, and reverts back to being the Badass Viking Vamp we all know and love . . .
“What, nawwww . . . how could I EVER love THAT?”
Sookie babbles on and on about how awful Old Eric was, and how she would have never let him into her bed, and blah, blah, blah. Thou doth protest too much, I think. If I were Eric, I’d probably be a bit annoyed at Sookie’s near constant need to remind Amnesia Eric of how EVIL old Eric was. I mean, for starters, it’s kind of rude, especially after the guy has just spent hours giving you the best lay of your life . . .
Additionally, it’s not as though Amnesia Eric is the same as Antonia!Witchiepoo, or Tommy!Sam. Unlike these individuals, Vampire Eric is still the same individual inside, he just doesn’t remember being it. So, for Sookie to say that she ONLY likes Amnesia Eric, and HATES Viking Vamp Eric doesn’t make any sense at all, because they are basically the same person.
Eventually, Sookie promises to TRY to still love the Old Eric, when he returns. (Yeah, because that’s SOOO hard to do1) She says this, just as Amnesia Eric is deciding that he NEVER wants to remember his past life. So, much for the pep talk, Sookie!
In other shirtless news . . .
Bros Before Baby Vamps . . .
“I’m too sexy for my shirt . . . too sexy for my shirt . . . so sexy, it HURTS!”
When we revisit Jason for the first time since he’s had his “just friends” talk with Baby Vamp Jessica, he’s still all hot and bothered, but trying VERY hard to get his mind of off things . . .
Why does this show always make me insanely jealous of the FLOOR?
Workout Time with Jason Stackhouse is interrupted by a surprise visit from Hoyt . . .
Hoyt! How can you look so sad, when there is so much beauty around you . . . and he’s wearing a hat?
Hoyt SAYS he came over to check on Jason, after the whole Gang Banged by Werepanthers thing. But really, he wants to gripe to Jason about how Jessica’s love is slipping away, and blah, blah, blah. Jason would LOVE to be a good friend to Hoyt, and listen to his problems. But, since the mere mention of Jessica’s name is enough to get Jason thinking about THIS . . .
. . . instead of a shoulder to cry on, he offers Hoyt some Sloppy Joes instead. Hmmm . . . I wonder if that’s a euphemism for something else that’s sloppy . . .
Speaking of Sloppy Jess 😉 (See what I did there? Let’s go check in on her maker, King Cockblock.)
Rapey Mc Vampire, We Barely Knew Ye (But you still sucked.)
Vampire Slumber Party
Like the Faithful Dog that Rapey McVampire has become, he arrives at King Cockblock’s castle to deliver “Antonia’s” message. And the message is: “I’m going to kill you, so I don’t have to deliver the message.” But fortunately, or unfortunately (depending on how you feel about King Cockblock), Cockblock kills Rapey first . . .
How fitting! After all, isn’t death the ultimate cockblock?
Though Bill has succeeded in saving himself for now, it is Antonia, who truly has the last laugh. Because the last dying word on Rapey McVampire’s lips is hers: “Resurrection.”
Silvering: The Vampire Version of Going to the Mattresses
Seeing the proverbial handwriting on the wall, King Cockblock now has the odious task of telling his vampire subjects that the only way they can avoid certain death, is either to leave town, or voluntarily silver themselves. The person he has the most difficulty giving this speech to is Baby Vamp Jessica, who, as his progeny, only has to worry about this silly Sun thing, because of him. (Honestly, I don’t understand why King Cockblock didn’t just tell Baby Vamp to leave town? Wouldn’t that have been safer than what he ACTUALLY ended up doing?)
After informing his fellow sheriffs (well, all except for Rapey McVampire, who already knows) and Jessica, King Cockblock has the awkward task of informing Post-Coital Sookie and Amnesia Eric. Though dressed, the stench and appearance of hardcore sex weighs heavy on the new couple, with Eric’s new farmer flannel nearly bursting at the seams from the unbridled passion of the past few hours . . .
When King Cockblock asks Amnesia Eric whether his “reunion” with Sookie was a happy one, it occurs to me that his
Hiney Highness has REAL issues with self-loathing. Then again, since he can “feel what Sookie feels,” he probably already knows just how “happy” that reunion was . . .
“If you care for him at all, you will do this. Or it will be his last day on Earth,” warns Bill.
What? No more Eric Northman? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Silver him Sookie, Silver him HARD!
Though horrified by the notion of willingly causing her boyfriend pain (and not the good kind of pain, either), Sookie eventually agrees to go to ground with her new boyfriend, silver him, and hold him tight, while they wait for Antonia’s witchy power to take hold . . .
What follows are a series of excruciatingly painful to watch S&M type silvering scenes, in which all of our favorite vampires, willingly weaken themselves, and subject themselves to unendurable pain, in order to prevent themselves from a zombified final Meeting with the Sun . . .
Question: How come all the silvered vampires had bloody ears, but the rest of their faces were scar free?
No father, likes to see his child in pain. But it is King Cockblock’s inability to cope with Baby Vamp Jess’s screams of anguish, while he’s silvering her, that may end up costing her his life. By putting only a very few silver chains on Jessica, Cockblock was not only underestimating his daughter’s strength, he was also underestimating Antonia’s power . . .
“Hey, could someone let me out of here, so I could use the bathroom? That O-postive didn’t agree with me AT ALL!”
As for Face-Off Pam, The Resident Doctor to the Supes, is giving her a heaping helping of Vampire Botox, before she goes to ground.
Thank the LORD! Maybe we won’t have to endure another week of that nasty ass face!
Though Doctor to the Supes delivered the first round of treatment, it is actually Screaming Ginger, who gives her another treatment, before covering her in chain mail, and locking her away, in her pink frilly, Pam-like coffin . . .
Man, I don’t get PAID enough for this sh*t!
In lighter news . . .
Things Not to Do on Your First Date . . .
Listen up, Andy Bellefleur! You just might learn something.
(1) DO NOT take your companion on a date to WHERE SHE WORKS. You know the saying: “Don’t sh*t where you eat.” Well, “don’t date, where you bus tables,” is it’s less well-known, but equally intelligent, little sister . .
(2) If the place where you are taking your date serves onion rings and hamburgers, that’s probably a good indication that you shouldn’t wear your suit there.
(3) Don’t BUY your date flowers, and then (a) say you got them on sale and/or (b) take them away, after the date is over. That’s just moronic!
(4) And finally, if you just so happen to be an addict, right before your first date is NOT the time to first quit cold turkey.
Got it Andy? Then again, I kind of feel like I should cut you some slack. I mean, dating has never exactly been your family’s strong suit . . .
Speaking of pointless storylines . . .
Take Your Skinwalking Ass, Elsewhere, Tommy Boy!
“Hey Luna! Since you seem to be in the habit of screwing members of my family, my Uncle Earl just got out of prison! He’s 72, and still has one of his original teeth. But, hey! Age is just a number, right? Just ask Tommy . . .”
The Saga of Sam and Tommy is like a rickety Merry-Go-Round at an amusement park. The same things happen over and over again, and it’s not really working well, but, for sentimental reasons, nobody seems to want to tear it down . . .
We have to stop meeting like this . . .
See, if this storyline sounds familiar to you: (1) Tommy gets himself in trouble; (2) He comes crying to Sam for help; (3) Sam helps Tommy, because their brothers, and he feels somehow responsible for Tommy’s life sucking so much; (4) Tommy screws up again, betraying or hurting Sam in the process; (5) Sam kicks Tommy out, until . . . (Repeat steps 1 through 5)
So, do we, Sam! So, do we!
Now, while I would like to believe that Sam has finally washed his hands of The Boy Who Cried Skinwalker for good. I, honestly, don’t think we are that lucky. For me, the best part of this annoying storyline was the look on Luna’s face, when she found out she had slept with Dirty Little Tommy, instead of Sam. PRICELESS!
Speaking of old annoying habits that die hard . . .
Get a Clue Tara Thornton!
Tara, honey? Can we talk? Tell me something, Tara, why is it that you feel the need to be the unwitting sidekick to Every Single Female Villain on this Show? Remember THIS CHICK?
Perhaps, you don’t, because you were too busy having hardcore sex with Eggs, eating Hunter’s Stew, getting high, and showing off your brand new black-colored contacts to notice her. But let me remind you. She took your vulnerability, loneliness, and abandonment issues, and used them to convince you to WILLINGLY BECOME HER PUPPET.
We let it slide, back then, because your mom was an alcoholic b*tch, and your life really did suck, just as much as you said it did. However, now the Witch Formerly Known as Witchiepoo has manipulated you to do the EXACT SAME THING, by using the EXACT SAME METHODS (with a heaping helping of Anti-vampirism thrown in for good measure). You know, there’s a saying about this sort of thing, it goes: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, YOUR AN A$$HOLE!!!!!
Anywhoo . . . with her new wind-up doll Tara’s help, the Witch Formerly Known as Witchiepoo is able to get the whole coven back together, for one FINAL spell. The goal: to make all vampires in the area rise from their coffins, and meet the sun.
Now, I’ve gotta say, as much as I hate what she’s doing, this b*tch can be mighty persuasive when she wants to be. I mean, her little Witchy Pep Rally was so inspirational, I nearly walked into the television, and joined her cult. And I LOVE MY VAMPIRES . . .
Especially THIS one . . .
“Understand this,” President Witchiepoo says, “vampires are not immortal. They are only harder to kill . . . Our human spirits are immortal. Let us show these vampires the power of the human spirit.
Ask not what your coven can do for you, ask what you can do for your coven.“
Then the witches all start chanting, and President Witchiepoo rises a few feet from the ground, making her look like she’s part of a high school production of Peter Pan. It’s
really cheesy exciting . . .
The Beginning of the End?
Hold on to your coffins, Fangbangers! Because things are about to get ugly . . .
It’s high noon. All the vampires think they might die today. So, many heart-to-hearts and final words are exchanged. Sookie and Amnesia Eric continue their conversation about Eric’s memory, and it’s potential devastating effects on Eric’s sex life. Sookie FINALLY realizes that even Viking Vampire Eric was willing to die for her, back when he offered to meet the sun, in exchange for Sookie’s and Godric’s life
back in Season 2.
“It’s about damn time, you realized that we still love eachother, even when I’m a bad ass!”
Jessica and Bill share a sweet moment in which Bill apologizes for all the pain he’s caused her by turning her. Jessica admits that, in life, she’d never lived as much as she does now, as Bill’s undead progeny . . .
She also tells Bill that he’s a better parent to her, than her biological parents could ever be. All together now, “AWWWWWW.”
When Jessica admits that she may have fallen out of love with Hoyt, Bill doesn’t lecture, or judge her for being fickle, he rather, reminds her, that even though she’s a vampire, she still has a human heart, and that it will one day love again. (Who knew Vampire Bill was such a Team Jassica fan, huh?)
They then talk a bit about the Resurrection, and whether or not it will affect their minds as well as their bodies . . . Unfortunately, they are about to find out . . .
Our would-be Super Hero Jason visits Sookie, just as President Witchiepoo’s spell begins to take affect. As Jason is delivering his happy, “I’m not a werepanther,” news, wind starts ripping through the house, and Eric starts screaming for the sun. Sookie dashes back to her lovers aid, but not before sharing with Jason, an important piece of information. “All vampires might meet the sun today . . . including Jessica.”
Off Jason dashes to save his honey!
You GO, boy! (Does anybody else, besides me, wish he was wearing THIS on his rescue mission, instead of his dorky cop uniform? Just sayin’ . . .)
Antonia’s powers take hold of Baby Vamp Jessica first, who has the least amount of silver on her (GEE THANKS, BEEEEL!), and thus, is the least physically weakened, when Antonia’s “sun worship” message reaches her brain. She breaks her chains fairly easily, disarms the guard by the door, and exits the cubby hole she’s been sharing with Beeeel. When Bill commands her to stop, as her Maker, we wonder, for a moment, if he is immune to the spell. But then, he asks Jessica to unchain him, so HE can meet the sun too, and learn that this is NOT the case.
What’s interesting in this scene is that Jessica, for the first time, is able to directly disobey her Maker’s orders, leaving him chained up, as she rises to meet the sun. This illustrates that the witches power over the vampires exceeds even the bonds between Maker and Progeny. Pretty scary stuff! In the final moments of the scene, we see Jessica open the doors of Bill’s fancy mansion, exposing herself to the sunlight, just as Jason emerges on the lawn, tackling a guard to get to her . . .
Will Jason rescue her in time?
(DUH! OBVIOUSLY! How could the writers possibly pass up an opportunity for INSANELY HOT Jassica sex?) Or will it be too late?
Tune in next week to find out . . . also next week . . .
Rub-a-dub-dub, it’s the sex scene we’ve all been waiting for! See you then, Fangbangers!