Oh, Sookie Scream Face . . . how I’ve missed you! Now, if they could just bring back your Ugly Cry Face, I’d truly be a happy camper . . .
That’s the ONE!
Greetings Fangbangers! This week on True, Blood we found ourselves faced with a number of very important questions:
(1) Is it OK to “love them both?”
(2) Eric’s Ass or Alcide’s Ass?
(3) Are Taylor Swift songs an appropriate soundtrack for Pick-Up Truck F*&ks?
(4) And finally . . . posing as a bunny, so that your girlfriend’s daughter can fondle you . . . sweet gesture, or just really, really creepy?
Be prepared to ponder these issues and many more in this week’s recap, or Trailer Trash Debbie will kill you . . . with kindness.
[As always, special thanks to SkarsgardFans.com, for the amazing screencaps you see here!]
Prayer Time, with Werewolf and Vampire . . .
I don’t know . . . when I wake up in the morning, all I see staring back at me is my friggin alarm clock.
A werewolf and a vampire are both seeking salvation. It sounds like the beginning of a joke, right? But that’s what happens when Alcide carries a bleeding-to-death Sookie back to her house, and King Cockblock steals his thunder, by scooping her out from under him, rushing her to the couch, and sticking his bloody hand in her mouth . . .
Remember the last time Sookie was on the couch . . . just sayin’
A little man-bickering occurs, when King Cockblock notes that he shouldn’t have ALLOWED Sookie to fight tonight, and Alcide seconds that emotion wholeheartedly. “Werewolf . . . shut the f*&k up!” King Cockblock replies, which isn’t a very kingly thing to say, if you ask me.
“Grrrrr . . . feel that trickle of water down your pants, BEEEEL? That’s me peeing on your leg.”
King Cockblock then instructs Alcide that Sookie is near death, and requires both of their prayers. To this, Alcide, hilariously responds: “We are a werewolf and a vampire. [If we pray], who’s going to listen?”
“I will! I will!”
It’s an interesting philosophical question, and one that sounds kind of odd coming from a werewolf. After all, unlike vampires — who always seem particularly prone to mopey behavior and self-loathing — I always assumed that werewolves just thought they were the Bee’s Knees . . . (whatever the heck that weird expression means) . . . and that everyone, the Lord included, would want to be just like them.
And what man wouldn’t want to look just like Alcide?
Anywhoo . . . Sookie awakens to the faces of two of the three men currently interested in f*&king her . . .
“What the hell, Alan Ball! You forgot one!”
Personal sidenote: When I was a baby, I’ve been told my first word was “Daddy.” So, every night, when I needed a diaper change, THAT’S who I would call. Except my dad never changed my diapers. Only my mom did. And it INFURIATED her how long I refused to learn the word “Mommy,” even though SHE was the one doing all the dirty work . . . literally.
I imagine this was how Alcide and King Cockblock felt, when they saved Sookie’s life, and all she kept doing was whining for the Viking Vamp. . .
After about the fifth time, in as many minutes, Sookie demands that her lovers find Eric for her, so that she could go back to having that Narnia sex she enjoys so much, Alcide gets fed up. He then carefully reminds her how many times hanging out with vampires has almost killed her, and tells her to wake up and smell the dead people! But Sookie is still all, “ERIC, ERIC, BRING ME MY ERIC.”
So, Alicide leaves. Bill stays though, and, as a result, he is rewarded with a “Thanks for the blood, Bud. Now, go find my Eric . . .
“But Soookkeeeehhh, I lovvvvvveeee youuuuuuu!”
Wow, talk about biting the hand that feeds you, Sookie! Speaking of Eric . . .
Worst Use of a Sex Toy EVER!
“Fellow coven members, this is my new pet Eric. Let’s see how well Eric follows commands. Eric . . . take off your clothes and start humping my leg.”
Ever since last week, when Witchiepoo converted Eric into her personal slave, I’ve been pondering the important question of what I would do, were I ever lucky enough to have a Sexy Viking Vamp-esque man servant, who is trained to do whatever I tell him. I came with a list of tasks I would have him perform, most of them X-rated . . . chief among them, “Shower Sex,” OBVIOUSLY!
Interestingly enough, you know what two things WEREN’T on that list:
(1) Wash your face; and
(2) Kill someone who’s already dead.
But, guess what? Those are THE ONLY TWO THINGS WITCHIEPOO WANTED ERIC TO DO!
Most of Witchiepoo’s fellow witches are appalled by her sheer lack of imagination. They don’t think using your Sex Toy to kill a King in a public place is such a good idea. Some of them even try to leave, but Witchiepoo magically locks the doors, so that they can’t. Poor little witches. Now, they are stuck in an old stinky magic shop with: (1) a wackadoo wench, who wouldn’t know a good time, if it bit her in the ass; (2) a VERY hungry vampire; (3) and, probably, only one bathroom. Talk about a nightmare!
Still, the fact that Tara is miserable, makes me happy. So, well played, Witchiepoo!
“Mommy’s a little busy right now, honey. Go play with your bunny . . . oops.”
SAM! Get your head out of that little girl’s CROTCH!
Sam’s still at Luna’s house, trying desperately to get into her pants for the first time, despite the fact that Tommy already did so, while wearing his face. But Luna isn’t really feeling up for sex. She’s more concerned about the fact that her ex-boyfriend is terrorizing her daughter, and wants to KILL her current boyfriend. Not about to let little, insignificant, things like that keep him from getting laid, Sam has the
lame temporary kind of dumb brilliant idea to take Luna and her daughter camping with them. After all, he is the owner of “multiple tents.”
“Hey Big Spender! That’s a whole lotta . . . fabric”
Things are going pretty well for Sam on his little camping trip, with Luna and her kid just eating up Sam’s remarkable prowess for sleeping outside and peeing in the woods . . .
“Oh, you have much better aim than your little brother. I should have known that wasn’t you.”
But then things take a turn for the odd, when Luna’s little girl (her name’s Emma, by the way) gripes about wild bunny rabbits not letting her pet them, like the class pet bunny rabbits at school do. So, what does Sam do? He TURNS HIMSELF INTO A RABBIT, and let’s Emma pet him . . . like . . . A LOT.
“Daddy likes being pet . . .”
Now, if you don’t think too hard about it, this is a super sweet gesture. I mean, he made the kid happy, right? Sure . . . but he also sat on her lap, and let her rub him all over. Just sayin’ . . .
Things got even more inappropriate when Luna LEFT HER OWN DAUGHTER IN A TENT BY HERSELF to go screw Sam. Yeah, because THAT’S safe, with a sadistic ex-boyfriend on the loose!
Not to mention the countless number of creatures and things that go “bump” in the night . . . something Sam and Luna undoubtedly won’t be able to hear, since they are too busy “bumping” eachother. I mean, clearly, neither of these individuals has ever seen the Blair Witch Project . . .
Interestingly enough, while Sam and Luna are beating eachother off, Sam’s little brother Tommy is just plain getting beaten . . . (What else is new, right?)
Greasypoo versus Tommy/Sam . . . a match made in dog poopy
“How do you do, Greasypoo!”
The much-maligned Tommy Boy is busy writing Sam an apology/ goodbye letter on a check. (Well, golly gee! I guess really DID learn how to read!) Then suddenly, the door opens, and Greasypoo comes crashing into Merlotte’s looking for Sam. Greasypoo would very much like to invite Sam to an Ass Kicking. So, Tommy, who LOVES Ass Kickings, like nobody’s business, decides to go in Sam’s place. (How generous of him!)
It sure beats having to dress like THIS . . .
Also in attendance at the Ass Kicking is Alcide, who, following his rejection by Sookie, has decided to become Trailer Trash Debbie’s wolfy pet, 100%. And Trailer Trash Debbie wants Alcide to be involved with Greasypoo’s pack. So . . . involved, Alcide must be!
“I will expect on a big hunk of raw meat on my doorstep, as payment for this . . .”
When Tommy/Sam arrives at the rumble spot, Greasypoo threatens him to stop screwing Luna. Tommy/Sam cleverly remarks that “Sam” has neve even had sex with Luna (which, at this point in the story, was still true . . . for a few more minutes, anyway). Unfortunately, for Tommy, the moron can’t keep his mouth shut. And minutes later, he’s bragging about how HE (Tommy Merlotte) slipped Luna the hot skinwalker injection. As expected, Greasypoo and his friends start kicking Tommy/Sam’s ass, immediately thereafter, despite promising Alcide that they wouldn’t.
“Oops! My hand must have slipped . . . into your jaw . . . while clenched in a fist.”
It’s ALCIDE who breaks up the fight, long enough for Greasypoo to realize he’s been beating up the wrong guy.
Now, here’s my question: As a skinwalker, and a shapeshifter, can’t you shift into anyone or ANYTHING? Why then is it that Sam and Tommy only seem willing to shift into lame THINGS and lame PEOPLE, respectively? For example, we’ve seen Sam transform into a couple of pretty wimpy looking dogs, a fly, and a horny, possibly pedophillic, bunny. So, why not a Lion, a Tiger, or a Bear, oh my!
Likewise, Tommy, so far, has transformed into Sam and Maxine Fortenberry.
Admittedly, Maxine’s played some pretty bad ass Wii, during her Maenad possession days . . . So, that has to count for something.
But, if he knew he was going to be fighting Greasypoo on his brother’s behalf, why not transform into The Rock, or Vin Diesel, or at least, a WWF wrestler? Heck, if I had to fight someone, I’d shift into that kid Emma, before I shifted into Sam! At least SHE’S scrappy!
“I would shift into Cat Barbie! Because Cat Barbie KICKS ASS!”
“Give me back my EVIL BABY, DAMMIT!”
Hoyt is having a BAD DAY! He’s woken up with a MAD HANGOVER! His house stinks of booze, body odor, and bad memories, of his recent breakup with Vampire Jess. He throws her Twilight Book (haha!), Good Housekeeping Magazines, and various other pop culture paraphernalia, into a box labeled, “For you, Monster.” And then a Possessed Lala, carrying an Evil Baby, waves a gun at his head, and tells him to get out of the house. So, Hoyt listens . . . except . . . HE’S NOT WEARING ANY PANTS!
I said, NO PANTS, Hoyt! Not NO SHIRT! Get with the program!
Jason gets the frantic call from a frustrated Hoyt, while he’s still questioning Terry and Arlene about their recently missing child. The crew all decide to head to Hoyt’s house, to see if they can get Evil Baby back. Andy benevolently offers to get Hoyt some pants, but forgets after slurping up some yummy V juice.
Funniest Addict Face EVER!
Back at Hoyt’s, Possessed Lala is still waving his gun at everybody who comes near him, and singing to Evil Baby. He also won’t let any white people into the house. This, of course, is highly inconvenient, considering that Tara and Lala may very well be the only African Americans in Bon Temps, unless you count the woman currently inhabiting Lala’s body, of course.
“It’s called affirmative action, b*&tches! I’m just trying to prove a point!”
Finally, after what seems like a pretty extended standoff, between Possessed Lala, and . . . well, everyone . . . Jesus arrives.
Just kidding! It’s NURSE JESUS!
“Remember me? I spent two episodes hanging out with Grandpa Goatlicker. But I am back to save the day. YAY!”
Jason, being Jason, wants to know if this is all some weird Sex Roleplay Thing he and Lala do together. Jesus is not amused. (But only because he doesn’t realize how much fun roleplaying could be during sex.)
“Don’t knock it, until you’ve tried it, Buddy!”
As soon as he enters the house, and sees his boyfriend prancing around like a crazy lady, Jesus immediately figures out what’s going on with Lala. Apparently, Lala has been possessed by
Crazy Eye Lady Mavis, because Mavis’ baby was taken from her, and killed in Hoyt’s house. When Mavis tried to see the baby, the father panicked and killed MAVIS too! The bastard then buried both bodies in front of Hoyt’s house, never too be found again . . . until now.
“I brought back Crazy Lady’s spirit with this doll! It’s like Child’s Play, only with southern accents, and less butchering.”
What finally clues Mavis in to the fact that this ISN’T her baby, or her body, is that, unlike Mavis, Lala has a weiner.
“AHHHH! How could I make a baby with this?” Mavis inquires hilariously. (Well, Mavis, I hate to break this to you, but weiners are kind of required machinery in the baby-making process.)
Jesus, then instructs Hoyt and Terry to dig up Mavis’s decayed dead nasty baby, which she holds, as if it isn’t decayed, dead and nasty . . . you know, because SHE’S TOTALLY EFFIN NUTS Then Jesus does some MORE magic, to send that b*tch back from whence she came.
Hasta la Vista . . . you wackadoodle Ghost Mom, you!
In an oddly touching scene, Mavis thanks Lala, and heads up to Heaven, holding and singing to her no longer corpse-looking child. Poor Heaven! Now, they are going to have to listen to Mavis sing that AWFUL song, for all eternity. Sounds more like Hell to me . . .
Speaking of Heaven and Hell . . .
Remember that time when Sookie dreamed she was on The Vampire Diaries?
“Bite me, Damon and Stefan . . . er . . . I mean Eric and Bill.”
Sookie’s napping on the couch (because, like I said, she never, ever works at Merlotte’s anymore), when she awakens clad in a red lace number that would make Vampire Katherine Pierce proud.
Her hair is also perfect and flowy, like the women on the cover of those romance novels. Piping through the house is this weird music, that’s kind of a cross between the old Sex and the City theme song, instrumental music from old crime movies, and the type of tunes you’d hear in the background of commercials for feminine hygiene products . . .
Music to my ears . . . if I had any . . .
But WAIT . . . someone is at the door . . .
Hallelujah! It’s non-amnesia Eric, with his sexy non-amnesia Eric hair, that cocky non-amnesia Eric look in his eye, and those tight fitting non-amnesia Eric clothes. Him and Sookie start going at it on the couch, like only Sookie and NON-Amnesia Eric could (no Narnia Sex here!), when it turns out that Vampire Bill is watching the whole thing, like the creepy King Cockblock / vampire voyeur he totally is!
Oh, that’s right! Now, I remember! Sookie has BOTH Vampire Eric, and King Cockblock’s blood in her system, and both are dueling for control of her sex dream!
Forget SOOKIE! These two should really considering f*&king one another!
Sookie sits these two naughty boys on the couch, and gives them the business. She doesn’t want to belong to Eric OR Bill. She wants them both to belong to her. “Why choose one vampire over the other
CHOOSE ERIC! CHOOSE ERIC! CHOOSE ERIC . . . (and maybe Alcide too!) when you can choose both, and experience, double the pleasure and double the fun?” Sookie wonders.
And because this is HER dream, her boyfriends obey her every command, without putting up much of a fight . . .
See, Witchiepoo? Now, SOOKIE is a woman who KNOWS how to use her man servants! I suggest you take notes . . .
SOMEONE’S Going to Be Sore in the Morning . . .
Back at home, Nan is bawling her eyes out over being kicked out by Hoyt and rejected by Jason. She’s also coincidentally reminding Nan Flanagan, why she never decided to become a maker.
“Could someone please turn off this Hallmark movie? I’d very much like to return to my plans for world domination.”
Meanwhile, Hoyt has just got his house back from Possessed Lala, and commands that his bestie, Jason, bring the “Monster Box” back to the “Monster.” Jason balks at the idea of seeing Jess again, given all his . . . urges, and tells Hoyt that it isn’t his place to do that. But Hoyt replies, as his friend, it is exactly his place.
So Jason, winds up on Jess’ doorstep, looking fiinnnnnne in his leather jacket outfit, and looking strooooooong carrying the box on which he crossed out the words, “Here you go, Monster,” in an effort to spare Jess’ feelings . . .
Fortunately, there’s a solution to this problem . . . one that involves super raunchy sex in the back of a pickup truck with the Taylor Swift song “Haunted” inappropriately playing in the background . . .
Speaking of post-coital . . .
Sookie and Trailer Trash Debbie . . . GO TEAM . . . HUH?
Sookie has awakened from her Dream Threesome, and is now wearing a sweatshirt I’m pretty sure I had in third grade . . .
“Hi, is this the Fashion Police? I’d like to report myself for a gross violation of age-appropriate clothing.”
Trailer Trash Debbie is at the door. And considering we last saw her, glaring at Alcide with wolfy eyes, and picking up V in a back alley, We are all thinking THIS CANNOT BE GOOD!
“Hiya, pal! I was wondering if I could borrow a cup of sugar, and rip your face off with my teeth . . .”
Sookie seems pretty skeptical of Trailer Trash’s motives too. However, when she reads her mind, Sookie comes to the conclusion that Trailer Trash’s motives are pure. So, Sookie decides to let Debbie help her to find Eric . . .
To be honest, I don’t really buy this change in heart. Could the “V” that Debbie took prior to arriving at Sookie’s somehow block her true thoughts from the fairy telepath? Is she just going with a “keep your friends close, and enemies closer” philosophy? Does she figure that if Sookie gets Eric back, she will finally leave Alcide alone? Or is there a darker plan lurking beneath the surface? I guess only time will tell.
We’ve still got our eye on you, Glow Eyes!
But for now, Trailer Trash Debbie is functioning as Sookie’s sidekick. She distracted Witchipoo at the coven, so that Sookie could see Eric, and learn what plans Witchipoo had in store for him. When Sookie’s presence was exposed, however, it was oddly enough, Annoying Ass Tara, who helped Sookie get away. She did this, by cleverly holding a gun to her head, and instructing her best friend to “jump her,” so that the escape looked like an “accident” on Tara’s part.
We still don’t like you, Tara . . . Sorry!
Trailer Trash then drives Sookie to the Tolerance meeting, where all the poop is REALLY about to hit the fan . . .
So much for Vampire Tolerance . . .
Despite Bill’s pleas that the event be called off, the Vampire Tolerance convention (which only features two actual vampires) goes off without a hitch . . .
Oh, look, Nan stole Vampire Pam’s outfit! No wonder she wasn’t in this episode. She had nothing to wear!
. . . that is . . . until Witchipoo arrives with Zombie Eric, and puts all the vampire sheriffs under her spell, so that the whole group of them are running around in public killing everyone that’s not, you know, DEAD already.
“Hi! Welcome to Witchipoo’s Slave Club! My name is Zombie Eric, and I will be your King Cockblock killer, today!”
In the final seconds of the episode, Sookie dashes into the pavillion and warns Bill to run, just as Eric jumps at him with one word in his hazy, mostly, blank, amnesia-addled mind . . . MURDER . . .
And once again, Alan Ball has attempted to make us nervous by “threatening the life” of a character we know all to well WILL NOT GET KILLED. What do you think, we were born yesterday? LAME! Can you say, CLIFFHANGER?
Be sure to tune in next week, when Eric almost definitely WON’T succeed in doing this . . .
. . . Terry and V-addicted Andy will engage in the battle of the century, and, POSSIBLY, there will be a HUGE confrontation between former (?) besties, Jason and Hoyt, over the Pick-Up Truck F*&k heard round the world . . .
See ya then, Fangbangers!