SPENCER: “Nice to be stood up by your OWN therapist . . .”
HANNA: “She better not be charging us for this . . .”
EMILY: “Do you smell something? I think I smell a dead body.”
HANNA: “That might be me. I just puked up coconut shrimp, right before I got here.”
EMILY: “Nope, it’s definitely a corpse-like smell . . .”
ARIA: “Aww, crap! Not again!”
Greetings, my Pretties! Can you believe there is only one PLL episode left in the summer season? It seems like only yesterday, that I was contemplating whether Creepy, Then-Only Possibly-Dead, Pedo Zombie Ian was somehow related to that Blueberry-looking chick from the Willy Wonka movies . . .
Eleven episodes later, Ian is DEFINITELY dead. And if the last few minutes of “I Must Confess” are any indication, “A’s” body count may very well be on the rise. So, take a big hefty swig out of your vodka-spiked water bottle, make an appointment with your therapist, and set a dinner date with your long lost significant other, because it’s time for another PLL recap . . .
Why You Shouldn’t Call Emily the Weakest Link, Anymore . . .
Because I ran all the way to my therapist’s office, and only got slightly sweaty . . .
The episode begins with Emily receiving a pre-dawn text from “A,” and dashing out of her bedroom, in a panic. Emily remains missing for hours, leaving her new
girlfriend roommate, Hanna, and the rest of the PLL girls, to worry over her whereabouts. We then see Emily running frantically through the woods, and winding up right outside Dr. Anne Sullivan’s office. She NEEDS to talk . . .
“Geez, Emily. You ran all the way here? Would a SHOWER have killed you? Some of us have to work in this office.”
However, by the time she arrives at the office, the rest of the girls are already there waiting for her. Apparently, they need to talk too . . .
“Haha! We beat you!”
Way to be a loyal friend, Emily! After some prodding, the girls evenually reveal to Shrinkypoo that “A” has been targetting Emily, specifically, for her weakness. Apparently, she (or he?) believes that, of the four girls, Emily is the “toughest nut to crack.”
Also, it’s clearly her turn.
As it turns out, the text Emily received that morning relates to Aria. It shows a picture of her cleaning Fitzy’s teeth with her tongue. Underneath it is the phase, “Clue Ella [a.k.a. Mama Montgomery] in, and I will let YOU out.”
ARIA: “Fitzy? Is that Jackie I taste on your tongue? Have you been cheating on me?”
FITZY: “No, I just ate Jackie . . . because, I’m secretly a vampire . . . and because Jackie is LAME.”
ARIA: “Oh . . . good call.”
Hey guys, remember when “A” pulled this same trick on HANNA a few episodes back, and it actually worked?
“Way to rub it in, Recapper! That was actually a very dark time in my life.”
Apparently, someone needs to update their “Unique Ways to Torture PLL Girls’ Handbook . . . and STAT!
One of the best lines of the episode, came when Spencer saw the picture, and wryly noted that, had Aria’s mom ACTUALLY seen it, she probably would have assumed it was “Spencer . . . slutting it up” rather than her own daughter . . .”
“Hey, I am NOT a slut, Mama Montgomery! How many sluts do you know that wear My Little Pony sweaters?”
You can see a slight sense of relief pass over the girls, as they FINALLY tell someone outside their social circle about “A” (though they conveniently leave out most of the juicy stuff . . . you know, like the Jenna Thing . . . and Dead Ian). No matter, Shrinkypoo seems sufficiently horrified by what she is hearing anyway, and wonders out loud why the girls have waited this long to come forward about what was happening to them . . .
“Ooh, this sh*t is JUICY! I think I’ll go try and sell the idea to ABC Family, as a television series! I’ll just have to insist that they get Angelina Jolie to play me.”
The next day at school, Shrinkypoo makes an appearance at school, during which she makes a speech to the student body about the dangers of Cyber Bullying . . .
“Yeah A! That poster is totally on to you!”
While Shrinkypoo is giving her speech, we get a series of reaction shots from the rest of the cast. The PLL girls look kind of horrified . . .
Blind Jenna looks evil. (But, then again, she pretty much always looks like that . . .)
Annoying Mona looks like she’s practicing for a time twenty years in the future, when she has to get her first Botox injections, and finds herself no longer capable of forming realistic facial expressions . . .
“I know you can’t tell from my face. But I am VERY, VERY upset about this whole Bullying Thing.”
After the assembly, Hanna is FURIOUS with Shrinkypoo! She feels like the therapist pretty much took her clothes off in public (Then again, this might just be a side effect of her late night phone sex sessions, with Caleb.)
“I just feel so violated! Now, everybody knows what my Lily looks like!”
Conversely, Emily found Shrinkypoo’s speech empowering. And she shows her newfound strength when Big Bad Blind Bully Jenna approaches the girls, and makes some snide remark about how Dead Ali was the biggest Cyber Bully of them all . . . “I guess it takes a bully to know one, Jenna. Now, move your stick. Other people are trying to pass you!” Emily sneers.
“Yeah, and while you are at it, why don’t you take your little stick and shove it up Police Boy Garrett’s ass!”
“You GO, EMILY!”
Why You Should Never Leave Hanna Alone with Your Wedding Dress . . .
Hanna is trying to play nice with Facelift Kate, after the whole “I Said Crappy Stuff About You on the Loudspeaker at Some Horse Farm, and You Threatened to Turn Me into Glue” thing. So, she asks Spencer to get her some old smelly horse books to give to Facelift Kate, as a form of apology . . . you know, because Spencer – like most people who own My Little Pony Sweaters – is an expert on smelly horse books.
I don’t know, Hanna . . . if I was trying to make someone forget about an incident that occurred at a HORSE Farm, I would probably start by NOT GIVING THEM BOOKS ABOUT HORSES . . . just a suggestion.
Then, Hanna’s grandma makes a random appearance at school . . .
Apparently, she needs a copy of Hanna’s house keys, and wants Hanna to take her to the bathroom, so that she can “wipe the dew off her lily.”
And if that statement means what I think it means, that’s pretty much the most disgusting request I have ever heard someone make on prime time television, EVER! (Just a note, boys and girls, if an adult ever asks you to go into the bathroom with them, and “wipe the dew off their lily,” that’s when you RUN AWAY . . . FAST! NO JOKE! I assure you that Granny is fully capable of wiping the dew off her OWN LILY! And if she isn’t, she should probably be in an assisted living facility, where trained nurses can do it for her. Just sayin . . .)
Back at home, Hanna is busy having Phone Sex with Caleb . . .
. . . when she gets a call on the other line from her dad. AWKWARD! Apparently, Daddy wants her to give a toast to the new happy couple, with Kate, at the engagement party. (Gee Dad? Aren’t toasts supposed to be like . . . I don’t know . . . spontaneous, or something? It kind of defeats the purpose of a toast when you TELL someone they have to say good stuff about you.) Hanna looks like she’d rather have all her fingernails plucked off than have to give a speech with Kate. But she agrees to it anyway, because she is trying to be the “good daughter.”
Oddly enough though, Grandma Marin, of the Dewy Lily Club, is TOTALLY NOT COOL with her son’s upcoming nuptials. In fact, she, more or less compares the upcoming event to cows getting slaughtered . . . (Boy, this woman sure loves her metaphors, doesn’t she?)
“I’d rather become a Sloppy Joe, than help you get the dew off your lily . . .”
When Hanna’s mom comes home, Grandma Marin tells her that she looks like Condoleeza Rice . . . which, I guess, is supposed to be a compliment . . .
Yeah . . . I don’t really see the resemblance . . . Hillary Clinton, maybe, but not Condy . . .
Granny then tells her ex-daughter in law, that she should pretend that she’s starring in the last five minutes of Every Romantic Comedy Film Ever Written, and stop her son’s wedding. Mama Marin is NOT amused . . .
“First of all, I look nothing like Condoleeza Rice. Second of all, stop making my daughter touch your lily!”
At Papa Marin’s Super Snooty Engagement Party, Grandma Dewy Lily is being hilariously rude to her son’s guests, which makes me fall a bit in love with her, despite having kind of a bad first impression.
“Why should I bother learning any of your names? My son’s to be divorced again in about two months . . .”
Meanwhile, Hanna is trying to mend fences with the super slimy Facelift Kate, who’s acting nice on the surface, but is so obviously being fake, that I can’t, for the life of me, understand how Hanna isn’t picking up on it.
“Oh, Hanna! It is so good to see you!
I would very much like to rip that blonde hair at of your head, lift my leg, and pee on your bloody skull. I can’t wait to become your SISTER!“
Facelift Kate takes this opportunity to show Hanna her mom’s wedding dress, which, of course, is NOT WHITE. (That one clearly hasn’t been a virgin in a VERRRRRRRY long time!)
“Believe it or not, this is the same dress my Mom wore when she married my dad . . . It was white back then . . .”
Facelift Kate pulls out her purse, and extracts what she claims are two water bottles filled with vodka. She offers some “liquid courage” to Hanna as the two plan out their toast. Hanna seems hesitant at first, but
sheer stupidity peer pressure wins out in the end, and she decides to chug-a-lug.
“I’ll get you my Pretty, and your little Lily too!”
As a viewer, I figured out immediately, that Facelift Kate had manipulated the water bottles to sabotage Hanna. (I actually thought she was goin to do something way worse, like lip her a Roofie, or something.) But I could also see how Hanna — given her insecurities regarding her newfound popularity and her relationship with her dad — might put her misgivings aside, and go along with this Rich B*tch, in hopes of being accepted by her, and “fitting in” to this new family. Seeing Hanna get gradually more intoxicated, as the evening wore on, was pretty darn funny . . . and yet, kind of sad too, since we all knew this wasn’t going to end well . . .
When Facelift Kate conveniently steps outside for a bit, Hanna starts drunkenly dancing around with her stepmonster’s dress, gets dizzy, and TOTALLY YAKS all over the darn thing!
Before . . .
After . . .
The evil wench, of course, sees the whole thing go, down, smirks triumphantly, and heads off to give the toast by herself.
After the party, Papa Marin goes into the ladies’ room (What the heck is with this family following eachother into bathrooms?!) He’s FURIOUS with his daughter for getting wasted, and bailing on the toast. Hanna argues that Facelift Kate was drinking too, but Papa said SHE was poised and mature during the toast, unlike his Alchy of a DAUGHTER!
Grandma Awesome sticks up for Hanna, insisting that Papa should take it easy on her. After all, it’s not like she PUKED ON THE BRIDE, which is what Grandma would have done! When Facelift Kate returns, Grandma TOTALLY has her number, yanks her purse away from her, and extracts the two water bottles.
“Mmm! Smells like breakfast!”
Of course, the one Kate was drinking was plain water, whereas Hanna’s was PURE VODKA.
Granny gives a miserable, and sure to be VERY hungover tomorrow morning Hanna a hug, and takes her favorite granddaughter home to sleep it off . . . Ooh! I HATE FACELIFT KATE! I can’t wait to see what Hanna has planned for her revenge! It better be something GOOD!
Why You Should Never Discount Your Ex-Girlfriends . . . Even While they are in De-Gaying Camp . . .
“This is what I’m going to use to smack Granny for rearranging my cabinets, without permission.”
While Hanna is busy changing her stepmonster’s wedding dress from gawdy gold to puke brown (with coconut shrimp chunks), Emily is at home with Mama Marin having a heart-to-heart. (Isn’t it weird / sort of sad that Emily’s relationship with Hanna’s mom seems way more affectionate and honest than her relationship with her own?) Emily asks Mama Marin if she is upset about being home, while her former husband marries a Rich B*tch with an Evil Spawn of a Daughter . . . Mama Marin admits that it’s hard, but that she’s doing her best to get by. (I’m sure it helps to Mama Marin to know that Granny is going to make that Evil Wench’s life ABSOLUTELY MISERABLE!)
Then Mama’s maternal instincts kick in, and she asks Emily what’s going on between her and Samara.
“Well, actually, I think she left the show to play a supernatural creature on The Vampire Diaries, like all my ex-girlfriends eventually do.”
When Emily explains that there are still a lot of unanswered questions in her relationship with Samara, Mama Marin notes that, when you have unanswered questions in a relationship, it’s best to . . . you know . . . ASK THE OTHER PERSON ABOUT THEM. (Duh!) Shortly thereafter, we see Emily waiting at a restaurant for somebody.
And we THINK it’s going to be Samara . . .
“Nope! Guess again!”
So, you can imagine our surprise (
Well, at least those of us who hadn’t read the spoilers were surprised!) when the person who sits down at the other end of the table is . . . wait for it . . . MAYA!
Looking good, Maya! De-gaying camp, has done wonders for your complexion!
That’s right, boys and girls! Fresh from De-Gaying Camp, Emily’s first girlfriend has clawed her way out of the PLL Vortex for Lost Significant Others, and right back into Emily’s heart. I have to say, it was cute, how well these two seemed to relate to one another. And, considering how EFFED up, sexually confused, and emotionally abused by her mom Emily was, when she FIRST started dating Maya, it was great to see our Emily looking all happy,
horny and evolved, this time around.
If you know me, you know I wasn’t Maya’s biggest fan, the first time around. However, she definitely won me over with her little jab at Emily’s ex-girlfriend “Little Orphan Bitchy.”
“She shoved your head underwater, and you STILL DATED HER! Man, I didn’t come back a moment too soon!” (Truer words were never spoken, Maya.)
And then, Emily and Girlfriend #1 lived Happily Ever After . . . (at least until next week, when “A” will probably try to decapitate Emily and blame on Maya, or something else awful like that . . . No relationship is sacred on this show . . .)
Speaking of relationships, “A” has yet to ruin . . .
Why You Shouldn’t Keep Your Eyes Closed, While Making Out with Abs Toby . . .
There’s this totally random scene, at the beginning of the episode, in which a Grossed Out Abs Toby spies his adopted sis, Blind Jenna, lining up discarded fruit rinds on the dashboard of Policeboy Garrett’s car.
I love Toby’s disturbed facial expression, here . . .
But Police Boy Garrett’s is EVEN FUNNIER!
Oddly enough, Policeboy Garrett doesn’t seem to mind to mind that much, and starts sucking Blind Jenna’s face right in front of poor Abs Toby, who’s probably WISHING he was blind, right about now . . .
“AHHHH! MY EYES!”
Later, we have this sadly prophetic scene, in which Spencer makes out with Abs Toby in his pickup truck, on the way to school, and tells him that they have to be careful, or “A” will try and break them up. Abs Toby promises her that this will never happen, which makes us feel pretty certain that it WILL . . .
Enjoy it while it lasts, Spoby! Because something tells me you are in for a World of “A” Pain!
That night, we get a MUCH HOTTER Spoby Makeout session, which features Abs Toby’s half unbuttoned shirt. (TAKE IT OFF, TOBY! TAKE IT ALL OFF!)
Talk about a buzz kill. Things are just about to move to a TV-MA rating, when Abs Toby notices two figures involved in an intense discussion upstairs in Facelift Vampire Jason’s bedroom. He tells Spencer what he saw. And Spencer wonders why Abs Toby had his eyes open, while they were making out.
This, of course, made me think of that Bruno Mars’ song, “Grenade.” (“I should have known you were trouble from your first kiss. You had your eyes wide open. Why were they open?“) So, then I started singing to myself. Annnnnd . . . I pretty much missed the rest of the scene. OOPS! (Damn you, Bruno Mars!) I’ll try my best to tell you what happened, anyway.
Now that Spencer knows that Abs Toby is watching her kiss him, she’s probably feeling pretty uncomfortable. I mean, what does she look like, when she’s kissing? Does she make a weird face? Is her mouth doing something weird? It’s got to be pretty disconcerting to know something like this.
So, of course, NOW SHE’S KISSING WITH HER EYES WIDE OPEN (Why were they open? I gave you all I had, and you tossed it in the trash, you tossed it in the trash, yes you diiiiiiiddd . . . SEE, what you did to me, Abs Toby?)
While open-eyed macking, Spencer sees the same thing that Abs Toby saw. And now she’s thoroughly freaked out. So, she rushes from the car, as a half-naked Abs Toby chases after her. (CAN I GET A HELL YEAH?)
NO TOBY! Take the shirt OFF! Trust me, you will run MUCH faster . . . 😉
But it gets worse. The person Facelift Vampire Jason was talking to ends up being . . . wait for it . . . HER DAD!
Cue SPENCER FACE!
A fairly intense scene follows, in which Spencer tries to get her dad to explain what the f*&k he’s doing hanging out with Facelift Vampire Jason, and her dad totally blows her off! Then, Abs Toby gets in the mix, risking his job, and his relationship with his potential future father-in-law, by demanding that Daddy Dearest answer Spencer’s questions.
Daddy is FURIOUS, that his daughter’s boyfriend would have the AUDACITY to confront him in this way. (Personally, I thought it was kind of hot!) He wants Spencer to come home with him IMMEDIATELY, but she refuses. And her and Abs Toby speed away in their car, as Daddy Dearest chases after it . . . like a dumb dog, who’s just gotten off his leash . . .
“Oh, go pee on a hydrant, Dad! I have more open-eyed face-sucking to do!”
When Spencer arrives home that night, Daddy Dearest reluctantly admits that Ali and Facelift Jason’s grandmother had changed her will right before she died, and TOTALLY cut Facelift Jason out, leaving everything to Ali. Then, after BOTH Ali and granny died, the Dilaurentis’ hired Daddy Dearest to alter the date on the will, and it’s contents, so that it didn’t appear to give Jason a motive for killing Ali. (Annnnd, now we know where Jason got all his money from!)
Mind control, of course!
In a flashback, we see Alison suggest that Jason may have sold a family heirloom to buy drugs, and that she may have gone to visit her grandmother before she died to tell her this, so that she would change her will.
“I’m going to take ALL YOUR MONEY! Suck on THAT, Facelift Vampire Jason!”
Spencer then, puts two and two together, recalling that Alison (and possibly Ian?) went away to Georgia, shortly before her death, to visit her grandmother. And this was, possibly, when she got the will changed. Given all this, now Spencer REALLY thinks Facelift Vampire Jason killed Ali . . . both, for the money, and to get back at her for trying to have him cut out of the will.
Daddy Dearest warns Spencer not to pursue such theories, which brings Spencer to a more dangerous question. “What does the Dilaurentis Family have on US, that you were willing to break the law to help them?”
“I’ve been a bad, bad boy . . .”
“You are SOOOO busted!”
Daddy Dearest didn’t exactly have an answer for that one, but I’m going to guess it has something to do with the fact that he’s porking (or at least used to pork Ali and Jason’s mom) . . . We’ll see if I’m right . . .
Why You Should Never Touch Psycho Mike’s Computer . . .
“Stop trying to steal my internet porn, MOM!”
Ma and Pa Montgomery are fighting about Psycho Mike. Pa Montgomery wants him on anti-depressants, since he thinks his emotional condition is the same genetic one that afflicted his brother. Ma Montgomery doesn’t think drugs are necessarily the answer. She wants Psycho Mike to try talking to a therapist first, to see what specifically is causing Mike to behave this way.
Honestly, I can usually care less about Aria’s parents, but their discussion was an interesting one, this week. After all, both Ma and Pa have a point. On one hand, there shouldn’t be any stigma against taking medication for clinical depression. And, in this case, Mike has both a family history of the disease, and is showing all the classic signs. On the other hand, knowing this show, Mike’s sudden depression is almost certainly situational, and almost definitely has something to do with “A.” So, talking, more than drugs, is probably the answer here . . .
“Hey Psycho Mike? Why don’t you take a break from Cyber Sex, and come down for dinner, K?”
Anywhoo . . . Aria enters Mike’s room to find him once again tapping away at his computer (which seems somehow linked to whatever it is that causing him to act out). She tells Mike to come down for dinner, and when he refuses, Mama Montgomery comes in, and tries to take his computer away. BAD MOVE! Psycho Mike FREAKS OUT, and wrenches it from her fingers, causing her to fall back into one of his chests of drawers, and seriously hurt her wrist.
It’s a heartbreaking scene, as a horrified Psycho Mike, upon realizing that he just basically beat up his own mother, dashes into the bathroom, while Ma Montgomery chokes back tears.
I have to say, Holly Marie Combs was remarkable in this scene. As a typically strong mother type, it was fascinating to see Ma Montgomery looking unusually timid and fragile, this week. I honestly had tears in my eyes, when she frantically made Aria promise not to tell her father what Mike did. Ma Montgomery seems afraid of what her husband would do to Psycho Mike, if he found out. She also seems just the slightest bit afraid of her own son . . .
This storyline made me teary AGAIN, when Aria came back into Psycho Mike’s room, and sat on the edge of his bed, next to him. “Is mom going to be all right?” He asked his sister nervously, acting the part of the innocent younger brother, once again.
“Yes,” replied Aria.
“Am I going to be?” He asked worriedly.
“Yes,” exclaimed Aria, pulling her little brother in for a tight hug.
(All together now: AWWWWWWW!)
Toward the end of the episode, Aria, tired of all the secrets her family has been keeping from one another, finally confronts her parents about Psycho Mike’s stealing.
And when Mike, himself, comes down to the living room to be with his family, we all feel a bit of hope, that things might finally start to become a bit less angsty in the Montgomery home.
*sniffle, sniffle* “I just keep having all of these FEELINGS!”
(Or, at least, we can FINALLY figure out what the f*&k has been going on with Psycho Mike!)
Why You Should Always Check Your Bobble Head Dolls for Bugs . . .
Dr. Freud is ALWAYS listening . . .
The night after her morning meeting with the PLL girls, and her triumphany BULLIES ARE BAD speech, Shrinkypoo is walking the streets of Rosewood by herself late at night (never a good idea, by the way), when she gets a strange cell phone call. The call is basically a taperecording on repeated playback of Shrinkypoo talking to the girls, during their private therapy session.
“Hi, Shrinkypoo! I’m calling to confirm the appointment I have with you later tonight. My name is ‘DEATH’.”
Having already had her office broken into once before, an understandably terrified Shrinkypoo calls the Lame-o Rosewood cops to search for bugs in her office. These police academy rejects find no such bugs, but that’s clearly because they aren’t really looking all that hard. Not surprisingly, Policeboy Garrett is there.
“Gee Shrinkypoo, I’m really sorry that you have a potentially murderous stalker watching your every move. But I need to get back to making out with my underage girlfriend . . . Catch ya later . . .
unless, you are already dead by then.”
Oddly enough, all Policeboy seems interested in are the names of the patients that were in Shrinkypoo’s session during the supposed bugging,
so that he can find them, chop them into tiny pieces, and feed them to Blind Jenna. Shrinkypoo is fortunately smart enough not to give the Shady Police Boy this confidential information. And he leaves in a huff . . .
Later, while thumbing through her files, Shrinkypoo comes upon one file in particular belonging to a patient, the same age as the PLL girls. Upon studying the file, Shrinkypoo notes some shocking similarities between the patient and this “A” the girls are describing.
So, she calls Emily and tells her to gather the girls and meet her at the office ASAP. “I know who A is,” Shrinkypoo says, though OF COURSE, she conveniently doesn’t give this information out over the phone. Because that would be too easy, right?
By the way, remember that time when HANNA texted the PLL girls to tell them that SHE knew who “A” was? Remember what happened to her, back then?
Ahhhh, memories . . .
So, the girls’, of course, rush to Shrinkypoo’s office, eager to learn the true identity of “A.” But when they get there . . . SURPRISE! She’s not there! In fact, she might be DEAD!
At least that’s what THIS text message, which the girls get, shortly after arriving in the office, seems to suggest . . .
OH NO! How are the girls ever going to learn “A’s” identity now! THE HORROR!
In the final scene, we see gloved hand trashing the incriminating therapy file, and removing a not-particularly-well hidden bug from the bottom of a Sigmund Freud bobble head (See, Police Boy Garrett! Dead Shrinkypoo was RIGHT! It wasn’t IN THE WALL!) . . .
Damn you, “A”! Damn YOU!
If you thought this week’s PLL was intense, wait until you check out next week’s trailer! Be prepared for ugly dolls, more cryptic “A” messages, and a weird Ali dream sequence, among other things . . .
You know what else is going to be INTENSE about next week’s summer finale? My blogger pal, France and I will be LIVEBLOGGING IT!
Yes, Hanna, we love it too! Be sure to check back later this week, when I will have exclusive details on how YOU can take part of this spectacular event!
See you then, my Pretties!