The Beautiful and Damned (and Pregnant) – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s Season 5 Premiere “Yes, Then Zero”

NATE: “It’s Season 5, folks.  You know what that means . . . we get to have five times more sex than we had in Season 1.  CHEERS!” 

CHUCK: “I’ll drink to that!”

Welcome back, Upper East Siders!  Man, have I missed you!   It’s been a long, hot and lonely summer without my Non-Judging Breakfast Club .
. . and Dan.

A lot has changed, since we last saw one another.  There are new zip codes to explore.  New opportunities to enjoy . . . and destroy.  New romances are on the horizon.  And SOMEONE might just have a bun in her well-dressed, upper-crust, oven.

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 So, pop the cork on that champagne (unless you happen to be with child, of course), sit back in that sun chair, and just say “yes,” to a GG premiere filled with excess, intrigue, CHAIR SEX and expanding waistlines galore . . .

“Whatchu talkin about Recapper?  There will be NO expanding waistlines!” 

(Oh, and special thanks to the awesome damnthatmotherchuckerr tumblr for most of the fabulous gifs you see here!

Serena van der Woodsen – Working Girl?

Ummm . . . not THAT kind of work, Serena.

We open up on a black-and-white montage, in which a girl in a flapper type dress, dances over to a dapper dude in a period-suit.  And I’m thinking to myself, “Oh please lord, do not let this be another one of Blair’s annoying Classic Movie Dream Sequences.”  Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it), it’s not.  The scene comes from an ACTUAL movie entitled “The Beautiful and Damned” (based on an F. Scott Fitzgerald book of the same name), which has apparently been filming in LA all summer in GG world, and on which Serena has worked as Assistant-to-the-Assistant-Producer . . . Otherwise Known as “Coffee Girl.”

*insert Mary Tyler Moore Show theme music here* 

It’s kind of refreshing to see the Non-Judging Breakfast Club’s second laziest member (I’m looking at YOU Nate), you know WORKING.  (Well, we don’t actually get to SEE her work.  But she does a very good job of pretending that she is, by tiptoeing around other people who are working, while carrying around thick stacks of paper, and lattes.)  I would have thought for sure, our blonde ne’er do well would have already started sleeping with the director, or lead actor, by now, and lounging around set, dressed in nothing but her new lover’s t-shirt, and a thong.

(This reminds me, remember those two episodes a couple of Seasons ago, when Serena was all gung ho about having a career in Public Relations?  Good times!)

The LA sun has clearly been kind to Serena,  who’s got a great tan, and a surprisingly great attitude to match.  It’s the first time in a long time we’ve seen Serena, when she’s NOT whining over some relationship crisis, or pouting over some friend or another’s betrayal, our shouting at her mother for some unknown, amorphous reason.  Heck Serena even withstands some tough and belittling talk from her doucheface boss, who, though not much older than her, seems to be the first male character on this show (save for Chuck Bass) who seems unnaturally immune to Serena’s charms.

He must be gay!

In fact, if anything, he seems threatened by her potential to best him at his own job!

“Don’t let my angelface fool you.   I’m a TOTAL asshat!” 

SERIOUSLY?  Serena van der Woodsen the Corporate Ladder Climber?  Is this supposed to be some parallel universe?  Did my DVR I don’t actually have DVR tape the right show?

As if in answer to my question, Serena, rather unrealistically, gets her personal mail delivered right to the set.  And, lo and behold, it’s the Save the Date card for Blair’s sham of a Wedding to Not-Chuck-Bass . . .

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Speaking of Chuck . . .

Chuck Bass – Zen-tastic Biker Dude?

“Yes, I DO ride a hog, wearing white chinos, and an ascot.  Got a problem with that?” 

Oh, Chuck!  How I missed this man-whoring, uber-cocky, in love with his own name, version of you!  So, what if he’s CLEARLY in denial of the Blair Waldorf-sized hole in his heart, and has somehow converted all that angsty heartsickness into a Death Wish, and a life philosophy straight out of a not-particularly-good Jim Carrey movie?  He’s still WAY more fun to watch than that mopey workaholic doofus, who magically found himself in love with the bland as cottage cheese Raina Thorpe, last season, and punched his hand through a glass window for sh*ts and giggles . . .

(I’m still trying to repress the memories of those two storylines from my mind.)

When we first see Chuck he is hopping off his Harley (How the heck did he get a motorcycle license?  My guess is he the f*&ked a guy named Bubba for it.), and heading onto some boat he won in a Poker Game (naturally!), arm-in-arm with two blonde floozies with whom he is about to have loud raucous sex.  Like his pal Serena, LA seems to have been kind to Chuck, who is looking sexier than ever, with his longer than usual wind-swept hair, and decidedly un-preppy bomber jacket.  He’s even sporting a tan . . . something I never thought possible for this character to achieve, considering I always secretly believed him to be a vampire . . .

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Nate’s on the boat too.  He’s also pretty tan, and is doing ABSOLUTELY nothing, when Chuck arrives.

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(I guess some things NEVER change.) 

“If you hear anything crazy, then I’m doing something right,” announces Chuck proudly, as he escapes to the bedroom with his whores.

It certainly wouldn’t be the first time. 

After Chuck is safely out of sight,  Nate pulls out his and Chuck’s version of Blair’s Save the Date cards, and hides them in his pants . . . or someplace less likely for Chuck to go digging them up . . .

Dan Humpty Dumpty – Athlete?? 

Oh, Danny Boy!  My how you’ve grown, since Season 1 . . . 

My, oh, my has Dan the Donut (thus called, because he always appears to be both glazed, and oddly jelly filled) come a long way from his Poor Little Brooklyn Boy routes.  While his only remaining friends (I leave Manessa out of this limited circle, completely, of course), are busy planning their Royal Weddings, and taking Hollywood by storm, Dan has been summering in the Hamptons, of all places.  When we first see him, he is taking part in an Artists and Writers baseball game, which I’m sure is SUPER intense.  (You know how competitive those Artists and Writers can be!)

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Sorry to interrupt your game.  I just really needed to ruin your life, and it absolutely couldn’t wait.”

Papa Rufus, who has the WORST timing ever, decides to interrupt Dan, right in the middle of the game to give him HIS Save the Date from Blair.  (Really?  That couldn’t have waited until he got home?)  Though Dan tries to play it cool (HAHA!), the punched in the gut look he gets on his face, upon viewing the invitation, only serves to confirm Doofus Daddy’s long-held suspicion that his son is still harboring some pretty intense feelings for our Queen B . . .

Blair Waldorf – Kept Woman??

BLAIR: “Louis, darling, should I be worried that there is a picture of Marie Antoinette, a.k.a. that Queen that got beheaded, behind me, at this very moment.”

LOUIS: “No, dahlinnnng.  Do not worry.  You are save with me.” *pulls out the knife he’s been holding behind his back*

 Without her Non-Judging Breakfast Club friends to attend lavish parties and have HOT LIMO SEX WITH bolster her mood, things seem surprisingly dreary for Blair, back on the Upper East Side.  As a staunch lover of all things New York, I was shocked by how much more fun the LA portions of this episode seemed, in comparison to their East Coast counterparts.

Unfortunately, no limo sex was to be had on either coast . . . 

Blair is spending her morning with Prince Louis, who I have decided to call Louis-Bot.  This is because I am convinced that we will soon learn that he is not an actual human being, but  rather a cyborg, programmed to utter polite sentences, every time you push a button on the back of his neck, and to obey the commands of whoever spoke to him last.

I can sort of see a resemblance.  Can’t you? 

Blair rubs up on Louis, and suggests that the two of them stay in bed and screw all day.  Louis declines, because he has to go to some hoity, toity Assembly Speech / Dinner that Blair is not allowed to attend, until the two of them are married.  So, instead, he gives his fiance a ridiculously over-priced necklace, and exits stage left.

OK . . . here’s a guy who just TURNED DOWN sex with Blair Waldorf . . .

Ahem . . . 

 . . . to meet with his mother, and prepare from some snooty dinner that is still hours away.  Now, I KNOW he’s not human . . .

It’s Chuck Bass’ World (and we just live in it)

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Surprisingly enough (especially considering what a staunch Chair fan I am, and how much Serena’s and Nate’s subplots typically bug the hell out of me) my absolute favorite scenes from this premiere were the ones where Serena, Nate and Chuck got to pal around, give eachother advice, and tease one another, like the old close friends we had forgotten they were.

The lighthearted, fun and easygoing banter between the three harkened back to the show’s first season, before random special guest stars, betrayals, and separate plotlines unintentionally got in the way of this beautifully enviable friendship.  The only thing that would have made these scenes better would have been if Blair was there with them, thereby resulting in a Non-Judging Breakfast Club reunion of the highest order . . .

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Anywhoo, Serena comes to visit Chuck and Nate on their new party boat.  The boys offer her champagne, but Serena politely declines, claiming she has adopted a new healthy LA lifestyle.  Serena, sober?  HUH?

Immediately, I called shenanigans, and wondered whether it was HER positive pregnancy test we found in the trash can last season.  But I digress . . .

Once Serena is seated and NOT drinking, Chuck decides to regale us all on his new life philosophy, one that revolves around a bad Jim Carrey movie the word “YES.”  Said life philosophy is actually fairly simple.  If someone presents Chuck with an opportunity he HAS to accept it.

Well, in that case, Chuck, have sex with me, and then stop Blair’s ridiculously dull wedding, this instant! 

NO?  Well, it was worth a shot . . .

Chuck’s words have an immediately inspirational affect on Serena, who was recently given the opportunity to write a scene for The Beautiful and Damned (yeah, because that opportunity ALWAYS comes up for coffee girls, with NO film writing experience whatsoever), but declined it, out of fear of pissing off her immediate supervisor.  Serena decides to accept the challenge, but requests that her two male besties accompany her for moral support.

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Speaking of someone in need of moral support . . .

Say Yes to the Dress, Say NO to the Prosecco . . .

“I’m smiling right now, but only because I’m imagining what it would feel like to kick your mother’s bony ass.” 

Back on the Upper East Side, both Blair and Louis-bot are meeting with both of their mothers to discuss the details of the upcoming royal nuptials.  Unfortunately for Blair, she and Louis-bot’s Mommy butt heads on nearly every detail, from the flowers (Blair wants peonies, Mommy-bot insists on a more traditional bouquet), to the dress (Blair wants to pick out her own, Mommy-bot wants her to wear HERS), to how Blair should look in her upcoming Vogue magazine spread.

Rather than stick up for herself, every time Blair doesn’t get her way, she turns to Louis-bot and pouts, expecting him to stick up for her as Chuck Bass undoubtedly would.  But Louis-bot, unfortunately, is not programmed to disobey his Mommy.  And so he just sits there, with a blank expression on his face, waiting for someone to push the button on the back of his neck, so that he can speak again . . .

This VERY awkward moment is interrupted by another one, in which Dorota arrives bringing Prosecco, which Blair politely declines (UH OH!  Another “Just say no to alcohol moment.”  Somehow I don’t think this one has anything to do with the fact that Blair is still underage.)  After dropping off the booze, Dorota notices a Gossip Girl blast on Blair’s cell phone about someone on the Upper East Side being with child.

She nervously deletes the message, before Blair can see it.

Annnnnnd the plot thickens . . .

Once this wedding discussion nonsense is over, Blair calls Serena to complain about how her robot fiance can’t stick up for her.  And I find myself once again wishing that Blair was with Chuck the others in LA.  The effortless banter between B and S is just so much more entertaining to watch than ANYTHING that happens between Blair and her Prince of Lame.

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Blair expresses shock over the fact that Serena is actually working.  And Serena, in turn, offers Blair some surprisingly sound advice, namely: give Mommy-Bot what she wants for the Vogue feature, and maybe she will leave you alone, when it comes to picking a wedding dress.

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Blair and Serena then reluctantly get off the phone, promising to contact one another the following day .  . Man, if Blair actually ends up going through with this wedding, she’s going to need a SERIOUSLY good international cell phone plan.  Because, take it from someone who knows, those little ten-minute nation-to-nation phonecalls can REALLY add up .  . . not that either of these girls ever need to worry about money, of course.

Speaking of S . . .

The Actor, The Stuntman . . . and the Screenwriter?

Just as she knew they would, both Nate and Chuck accompany Serena to the set, where her douchebag boss, of course, gives her heat for the intrusion, reminding her that Take Your Hotties to Work Day isn’t until next week.  (As Nate cleverly noted, “Douchebags are the same, no matter where you go,” which, by the way, would be a great saying to print on a t-shirt.)

Douchey McPussFace then motions over to Chuck, and asks who the heck he is, to which Serena and Nate, both respond, hilariously and in unison, “That’s Chuck Bass.”  (He’s got them trained SO WELL!)

CHUCK APPROVES!

Both Nate and Chuck immediately get the chance to put Chuck’s “Just say yes,” philosophy to the test, when Chuck somehow gets mistaken for a stuntman, and Nate gets pulled in to an audition for a role on the film.  (Ummm . . . wouldn’t they have already cast all the parts, considering the movie is almost done filming?  Just sayin . .  .)

Now, it’s Serena’s turn, she heads over to the producer, and is immediately offered more responsibility on the film set.  I’d say the producer just wants to get into her pants like everybody else on this show but she’s female, and at least seems to be straight.  So, I guess Serena is just REALLY good at getting coffee and carring around piles of paper!  When Serena leaves “the meeting,” her grumbly, and now extremely jealous, boss, Douchey McPussFace informs her that SHE has been given HIS task list for the rest of the day.

“I totally hate you, right now but I’d still have sex with you.”

 If she finishes all the tasks listed by noon, she can attend some swanky Hollywood party.  Serena excitedly accepts the challenge.  But I’m already not trusting this Douchey McPussFace as far as I can throw him . . .

This exchange is interrupted by Chuck performing an impromptu jump off a high platform onto what looks like the BIGGEST BED EVER!  And I am so turned on watching this, it is not even funny.  Apparently, the cougar in charge of stunts feels the same way, because she immediately accepts Chuck’s offer for a date .  . .

Louis-Bot Makes Amends

 After being scolded by Blair, for being such a Mama’s Boy / Weenie, and not sticking up for her on all things wedding, Louis-Bot is programmed to placate Blair by inviting her to the Non-Royal FORBIDDEN assembly speech / dinner thingy.   Blair is thrilled, but still not satisfied.  So, she decides to wear a SCANDALOUS green dress to the event to test Louis-Bot’s ability to stand by his woman.

But then, when it comes time for the EPIC Dinner, Louis-Bot is nowhere to be found.  So, Blair begins to think she has been stood up, and wonders whether she has made a mistake in agreeing to marry this Wussy Pants . . .  YES!  IT’S A MISTAKE!  He’s a cyborg!  RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

My own personal reservations aside, Louis-Bot actually has a REALLY good reason for not picking up Blair for the Assembly Speech / Dinner Thingy.  And it has to do with a certain Dopey Donut, and his former friend, Manessa . . .

Donut on the Run . . .

At another Artist and Writer Baseball Game, Dan’s former internship boss, back in Season 2, and current writer friend, remarks about a certain Anonymous manuscript that is making the rounds in the literary world.  Apparently, a chapter of it is set to be published in Vanity Fair relatively soon.  The writer mentions it to Dan because the main protagonist has his same initials as the young aspiring author, and a similar writing style. (Yeah, real CREATIVE, DONUT!)

Wow, someone really likes to read! 

Dopey Donut immediately realizes that the Anonymous Novel in question is HIS, about BLAIR, and apparently, though it is not explicitly stated, it ends with a rather explicit sex scene between the soon-to-be royal Queen B and Dan Humpty Dumpty’s alter ego.

“Damn you, Manessa!”

“That’s right.  Even when I’m NOT on the show, I ruin everything!”

Freaked out about the idea of Blair reading this article, Dopey Donut goes to the only person he thinks might be able to help him . . . Louis-Bot.  Dopey Donut catches Louis on the way to pick up Blair for the Assembly Speech / Dinner thingy, and warns him that he HAS to stop publication on this story, or it could mean some serious embarrassment for his future wife.

Louis-Bot, who really does seem to love Blair, despite the fact that he barely knows her, and is virtually incapable of conveying real emotion, due to his being a robot, agrees to help . . .

Weed is GOOD (unless you’re a drug addict . . .)

NATE:  “I don’t think we’re in New York anymore, Serena.”

SERENA:  “Umm . . . we haven’t been in New York all summer.”

NATE:  “Sh*t.  I am so high right now . . .” 

Having completed the last item on Douchey McPussFace’s list: “Get medicinal weed for the lead actor in the film.”  (Ummm . . . don’t you need to have some kind of license to do that?), Serena and Nate walk the streets of Hollywood,  en route to their first celebrity bash.

“I think I’m getting a contact high.” 

Stoner Nate, of course, can’t stop jabbering on excitedly about the amazing variety of pot in LA, as compared to the garden variety spliff he’s stuck with in NYC.  Nate then admits that for the past few seasons lately, he’s been kind of lost in really bad story lines, with really annoying Special Guest Stars that are completely unrelated to the rest of the characters or plot.  Serena’s been feeling a bit lost herself.  And so, the two of them decide to use this big Fancy, Schmancy Party as an opportunity to “reinvent themselves.”

I love how Nate’s idea of “reinventing himself,” was to pretend that he was some random actor (Chace Crawford, perhaps?) who owned the house where the party was, so that he could have raucous sex with the Cougar Special Guest Star Elizabeth Hurley Diana, who ACTUALLY owned the house.  Umm . . . Nate, isn’t this pretty much what you do at the beginning of EVERY SEASON?  Someone’s seen The Graduate and American Pie a few too many times . . .

“Ahhh . . . love interests . . . they keep getting older, and I keep staying the SAME AGE . . .” 

Lest you think this was just a one-night stand for Nate and Special Guest Star, we later overhear a conversation “Diana” is having with a friend, about her having planned to meet and seduce Nate all along . . .  It sounds like she’s going to go back to NYC and stalk him or something.  I’m still not quite sure what that was all about.   The sex looked pretty good though . . .

As for Serena, she gives the actor his weed, only to learn the completely obvious from the time she first got the list shocking truth that Douchey McPussFace had set her up!

Apparently, the actor she just drug dealed for has a bit of “substance abuse problem.”  In fact, one of the stipulations the production company had for continuing to fund the film was that this actor “stay sober.”

Cue Douchey McPussFace to swoop in and save the day before the actor in question sparked his dooby.  As the actor’s handlers rush to find out who gave him the offending smokes, Serena confronts Douchey McPussFace about what he did.  The dude then starts boohooing about how life is SO hard for him, because he has student loans, and needs this job . . . and how everything comes easy to Serena, who got this job without trying, and could easily get another job just by sleeping with another producer or director batting her eyelashes and asking for it.

Yeah . . . as much as I REALLY don’t like this guy, He was MUCH nicer in those Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants movies he kind of has a point.  Serena obviously thought so too, because she decided to fess up, and take the blame for the pot distribution.  She then offers to quit the first job she’s ever loved.  *sniffle, sniffle*

But HEY, this is Serena we’re talking about.   And . . . aside from that time when she “killed a man,” and that other time when Crazy Juliet drugged her and made everyone think she was a royal nutbar, NOTHING bad ever happens to Serena.  So, of course, when Serena returns to the set to pack up her stuff, the film’s producer offers her a full time job, working directly for her, as soon as the movie wraps.

So, it looks like Serena is staying in LA . . . for now, anyway . . .  Oooh, Douchey McPussFace probably isn’t going to like that (unless he ends up falling in love with Serena, and sleeping with her, which, knowing this show, he probably will . . .)

Meanwhile, in Chuck Bass land . . .

Oooh . . . WIPEOUT!

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So, while Nate is busting up the bedroom with HIS Cougar, Chuck is riding matching motorcycles with HIS.  They stop back at Chuck’s place to change clothing before heading out again on Mullholland Drive.  The original plan is to take a CAR on this leg of the trip, since the road is notoriously rocky.  However, when Chuck, accidentally finds Blair’s Save the Date invitation, buried underneath a pile of other papers, he decides to brave the road by motorcycle anyway . . .

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While riding, Chuck wipes out in a pretty major way, while riding at top speed.  He looks pretty darn hurt, but when Cougar Lady offers to take him to the hospital, he brushes her off, nonchalantly insisting that the pair keep riding.  This freaks Cougar Lady out enough to realize that Chuck’s daredevil antics bely a darker, and more deep-rooted psychological issue. named “Blair.” (If only she knew!)  She instructs Chuck to get some mental help (an idea that is probably suggested to Chuck at least once EVERY season . . . usually by Blair, herself), and dumps his ass.

Despite the rejection, and his obvious heartbreak, Zen-Master Chuck still has positive words for both Serena and Nate, the morning after the party.  Undoubtedly assuming the voice of both the writers, and many fans, Chuck reminds both Serena and Nate how incredibly lame they’ve been the past few seasons, and backhandedly compliments them on FINALLY getting on the right track, in this episode . . . Serena, by FINALLY taking responsibility for herself and her actions, and Nate, by realizing that being someone else, like Chuck Bass, for example  is way more fun than actually being “Nate.”

“You should write a book or something,” Serena suggests to Chuck, only half kidding.  (Hey, if Dopey Dan can do it, why not him?)

“People like me don’t write books.  We’re written about,” Chuck replies.

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MAN, I love Chuck!  So, do Serena and Nate, apparently, who pull him in for the most adorable three-way group hug EVER!

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This adorableness is repeated again, outside a limousine, as Chuck and Nate prepare to return to NYC, and say goodbye to their pal, Serena, who will be sticking around LA for a little while.  The group open a celebratory bottle of champagne (I guess Serena’s not pregnant!), which promptly spills all over Chuck, forcing him to go into a nearby trailer to dry himself off . . .

Weeeeee!

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In a scene that stands in stark contrast to the joyous ones immediately preceding it, Chuck enters the trailer alone.  Once inside, he quietly looks in the mirror at the large gash on his stomach.  This physical wound is clearly meant to represent how broken and damaged our Bass Man truly is on the inside, despite his carefree, and happy external facade.  The resulting image is both poignant and genuinely heartbreaking (not to mention, a little gross) . . .

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He still has awesome abs, though  . . . That Bass-tard’s been WORKING OUT!

Speaking of heartbreaking . . . (or not, depending on how you feel about babies . . . and weddings) . . .

Baby Got Back . . . Donut Got Dumped.

Donut Dan is trying desperately to determine whether the rest of his book about Blair is about to be published, when the vixen herself appears on his doorstep.

She is distraught over Louis’ believed refusal to take her to the Assembly Speech / Dinner thingy . . . so distraught, in fact, that she wants to call off the entire wedding.  Blair tells Dan that he’s the only friend she has on the East Coast now.  So, she asks him if he could help her make an escape.  GO TO LA, GIRLFRIEND!  GO TO LA!

Blair suggests to Dan that the two of them go to his empty place in the Hamptons.  And the Donut immediately agrees, undoubtedly doing a dopey dance on the inside, despite knowing that this little impromptu getaway is being taken under false pretenses, since Louis-Bot, though boring, does not actually lack honor.

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“I’m soooooo getting laid, tonight .   . . It’ll be JUST LIKE IN MY BOOK (except my weiner isn’t a foot long, in real life)!”

Cue the doorbell  It’s Louis-bot.  He’s coming to tell Dan that he’s successfully prevented his short story about Blair from getting published.

“DOH!”

UH OH!  BUSTED!  Now Donut is forced to come clean to Blair about knowing Louis’ positive intentions all along.  “YouKNEW . . . You were going to let me walk away from everything,” exclaims an extremely hurt and betrayed feeling Blair.

Dan has no response to this.  He just stares at Blair with his droopy puppy dog eyes, as she storms out of his apartment with Louis-Bot . . .

As it turns out, the story CHAPTER is the least of Dan’s problems.  Cue the mailman!  Well, what do you know, there’s  a CHECK for $10,000 from Manessa to Dan, congratulating him on having his first FULL novel published . . .

RUH-ROH!

And finally, the moment you’ve all been waiting for . . .

Back at La Casa de Waldorf, Blair’s busy getting ready for her Vogue shoot, dressed in Mommy-Bot’s frumpy wedding dress, when her Mom comes in with a “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” book.  She immediately thinks Blair is pregnant, and is FURIOUS!  But guess what?  The book is DOROTA’S, who’s apparently pregnant with Baby #2, and THRILLED that she’s been deemed important enough to make it onto gossip girl.

Zzzzzzz!  Seriously?   That’s what we’ve been waiting all summer to find out!

But wait . . . it’s not over until the pregnant lady sings, right?  Out at the photo shoot, Louis-Bot proves himself worthy of Blair’s love once again, by insisting that she appear in the photo shoot with her choice of bouquet.  It’s a nice gesture, and a symbolic step in the right direction for Louis-Bot, in terms of his putting Blair before Mommy-Bot in his marriage . . . It’s too bad he’s still boring.

“Seamstress say WHAT?!” 

Then in the  not particularly surprising ultimate shocker, Blair’s seamstress inquires of Blair how far along she is, noticing that her measurements have been rapidly expanding.

Blair denies the pregnancy allegation, but the frantic look on her face says otherwise.  If her seamstress can already tell that she’s pregnant, how long before EVERYONE knows?  And, perhaps, more importantly, who’s the daddy?  Will this a Baby Louis-Bot?

Or a Baby Bass?

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Or did the Dopey Donut somehow manage to insert his coin in the Queen B’s slot off camera?

Only time (and, perhaps, a paternity test) will tell.  But, suffice to say, things are about to get ROYALLY UGLY .  . .

In other, kind of random news . . .

Poison Ivy Blues

At the end of the episode, we see that faux-Charlie / Ivy / “Call me Serena” is in LA, working at a restaurant with her boyfriend, and, most certainly, up to no good.  Serena, of course, enters the restaurant right when “Ivy” is supposed to start her shift, but still thinks she’s “Rich Charlie,” and starts talking her up, as if they are actually cousins or something.  Not wanting to give up the jig just yet, Ivy ditches her waitressing shift, and walks off with Serena, continuing to play up her false identity.

Hey there!  I just pretended I was you during sex . . .

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AW-KWARD!

This can’t end well . . .

And there you have it folks, the Gossip Girl Season 5 premiere in a diamond-encrusted nutshell.  So, what did you think?  Were you as bothered as I was by the separation of Blair from her Non-Judging Breakfast Club . . . or the COMPLETE lack of Chair interaction?   How do you like the new Chuck Bass, and Serena’s new LA home?  What about Nate’s NEW Cougar, do you think she will be as dull and pointless as the rest of his non-main cast member girlfriends?  Or will this time be different?  And, most importantly, who do you think is the daddy?

Please sound off in the comment section, below.   Until next week . . . XOXO!

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31 Comments

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31 responses to “The Beautiful and Damned (and Pregnant) – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s Season 5 Premiere “Yes, Then Zero”

  1. L.A.N

    I’ve been waited for your post since forever LOL *kidding, just since yesterday :)*

    Actually, I kind of like Marshall, even though he totally immune to Serena’s charms, I find that he got more chemistry with her than any guest star that beded with her. I really hope the writer explodes more of this character ’cause his fresh attitude clicks me.

    At this point I seriously wonder what Serena and Nate could do in the future. Seriously, the whole it-girl becomes working-girl is so unbelievable. (like you said, wtf she’s doing in L.A exactly? Beside walking and being pretty?) And Nate, LMAO, he did exactly what he did 2 season ago, that’s his BIG change? I don’t mind, anyway, ‘cause Liz Hurley is totally hot, and her character is even more interesting than Nate and Serena combine.

    LOVE the big hugs!!!

    Why do I feel that Dan and Louis have more chemistry than Dan/Blair, or Louis/Blair??? I mean, romantical chemistry, seriously, they said one male character may switch team this season (or something like that) Totally vote for Dan.

    Blair needs to go back to the queen bitch, not that whining girl this episode ( I blame it to that Bass spawn in her, yeah, definitely, Baby Bass, whose else can cause that damage?)

    And I raged, yeah raged that writers use the phase “3 words, 8 letters” to Dan. NO, HELL TO THE NO!!!! Please, the way they force us to swallow the Dan’s crush, ugh!

    Anyway, that Chuck made my day with his one line “People like me don’t write books. We’re written about.” (I swear I rewatched it over and over again) But please, no to his skinny jeans. I mean, doesn’t any one realized that Ed Westwick has a BIG head!!! And not too-proud height. Skinny jeans made his head look bigger, made him look shorter, not to mention gayer. (like Chuck Bass isn’t gay enough)

    And WHY DOES BLAIR LOOK 10 YEARS OLDER and RUFUS LOOK 10 YEARS YOUNGER??? *sign* I blame it to Blair’s make up/hair dresser and Rufus’s plastic surgeon. They’re totally the same age now.

    Can’t wait ‘till Chuck knew about Blair’s situation. I know how f**k up a boy can be when he knew this kind of news, especially a boy with daddy issue. Really hope they can make it right this time.

    • Hey there, L.A.N. Sorry I took so long to get back to your awesome comment. My being late writing the Boardwalk Empire recap, just threw my entire week off. (Not that it’s any excuse. ;))

      You bring up a great point. Both Serena and Blair seemed a bit out of character this week. Serena was OOC in a good way, which I think is why I liked her more in this episode, than I have in a while. And Blair in a not as good way, which is why some message boards have been giving me flack about my portrayal of Blair in this recap.

      Best case scenario? Maybe the writers have a purpose in portraying our besties this way. Perhaps, Serena is finally growing up, and deciding to make something of herself. It would be about time. As for Blair . . . well, she kind of reminds me of Carrie in the final season of Sex in the City, when she randomly married that old French guy and moved to Paris. For the two episodes before the finale, Carrie seemed to have lost herself. She was mopey, petulant,too eager to give up what she wanted in life for the man she THOUGHT t she loved. That was when she realized that the French guy wasn’t the right person for her, because she couldn’t really be her best self around him. And she ended up back in NYC with Mr. Big.

      I think Blair now is like Carrie was then. She’s floundering, because she’s always dreamed of being royal, and feels like she can’t give up this opportunity. But she’ll never love Louis the way she loves Chuck, and she’s too independent to be a princess. Blair is meant to be an Editor of a Fashion Magazine, or a corporate magnate, not a housewife or figure head. Chuck understands this, and would encourage her to follow her dreams, once she’s with him. (Perhaps, even before their inevitable reunion.)

      Louis is not a bad guy (kind of boring, but not bad). He simply doesn’t know the true Blair. And, once Blair realizes this, she will get out of this ridiculous Guest Star Marriage.

      I truly believe that. Chair HAS to be endgame. It’s pretty much been endgame since Season 2.

      • L.A.N

        I really hope Serena continues to grow up. Honesty, I don’t think she can be worst than she was the last 4 seasons :d

        I’ve just read one tumbler who has an excellent description about Blair, she has 2 side, one side is dark and scheming, genius at destruction, brilliant at insulting, so controling, so confident. The other side is innocent (in some way) insecure, dream of classic movie, simple life, simple love. She just can be her white side when she’s with Louis, maybe the other side is sleeping or something. Totally agree with you, like Chuck said, Blair is the most powerful woman he’s known, she’s not someone who has to ask Louis/Dan for help everytime things mess up.

  2. Very funny!! 😀 Its totally worth waiting! I’m actually satisfied with the season premiere, can’t wait til next week! 🙂

    • Thanks so much Foo Har Har Mee. I’m so glad you enjoyed the recap. I had fun with this season premiere as well. The Serena / Nate / and Chuck interactions, in particular, made me very happy. It felt like Old School Gossip Girl, which, for me, is a very, very good thing.

  3. CosmicLove

    I’m not Chuck Bass without…your weekly recaps. Yay! I’ve been so excited for your take on the premiere. and you didn’t disappoint!

    I fully agree with you on the “Louisbot” front. The only thing that concerns me is that I’m starting to think maybe he replaced Blair with a Blairbot as well. Except I don’t think bots can carry Bass babies…

    Thanks for the awesome post!

    • LOL. Awww, thanks so much for the support, CosmicLove. I’m so glad you enjoyed the recap! Writing these each week, definitely brings out the Chuck Bass in me. And who doesn’t need a little Chuck Bass in their life.

      I can absolutely commiserate with your feelings about Blair, this week. Where’s the Queen B, we know and love? And yet, I’m pretty optimistic that she’s still inside Blair somewhere, fighting hard to get her out of this sham of a marriage, and back to her true love. As much as I’ve called Blair Queen B for four seasons now, I simply can’t imagine the girl as a princess. Blair is a mover . . . a shaker . . . and a fighter. She’s going to own her OWN empire someday . . . just like Chuck Bass, which is why the two work so well together (of course, there are other, much sexier reasons, but this is a big one.) 😉

  4. jean

    Your recaps are one of my favorite things about any given GG episode, so thank you for being awesome!

    I really need Blair to be pregnant with Chuck’s baby because ugh, otherwise I won’t want to do anything with this show but read your recaps, lol.

    • Awww, Jean, that is so sweet of you. You made me blush! 🙂 And I wouldn’t worry too much. I really can’t imagine the writers having Blair end up marrying anyone aside from Chuck Bass. Their relationship has been EPIC for over four years. 🙂

      Sure, we’ve had our bad plotlines, and OOC storylines. But still, nothing else can compare. Personally, I think they are just drawing things out, to try to keep the show on the air as long as possible ;), but that’s just me. 🙂

  5. MSC

    I love your recaps! I’m a Chair fan and loved the Louis Bot and Dopey Donut digs! I may use them if that’s ok! And Blair is SO pregnant with a Baby Bass!

  6. Melissa

    Great recap. I’m so happy that it was Blair pregnant. I think I would have tuned out the rest of the season if she wasn’t because I have no interest in her planning her wedding to the dull Prince who I don’t care about at all. The Chair scenes missing from this episode was upsetting though. I just don’t understand why the writers are so resistant in giving them any scenes together. Gossip Girl was at the top of its game in writing and ratings in season 1 and 2, which happend to be when Chuck and Blair were front and center. Last season was the worst yet in terms of writing and ratings and Chair were seperated most of it and didn’t really even get a storyline together. Coincidence, I don’t think so.

    • Hey Melissa! 🙂 I too was surprised by the writers not giving us a SINGLE Chair scene in the premiere. You are right. Season 1 and Season 2 — which pretty much revolved around Chair and the Serena-Nate-Dan triangle — continue to represent Gossip Girl at its best.

      You know, I really did enjoy the LA parts of this episode (as fluffy as they may have been) . . .

      Now, imagine how much MORE fun the episode could have been if Blair was in LA WITH the rest of the NJBC, giving advice to Serena, berating Nate for his usual sluttiness, fighting and flirting with Chuck Bass, telling him he had a death wish, and needed therapy STAT. Imagine Blair in the NJBC Group Hug at the end of the episode. Chuck would undoubtedly linger close to her, after it was over, their eyes locking, his hand on her face . . . their eyes saying everything to one another that isn’t ready to be said.

      Normally, I’m not a big fan of baby storylines. After all, the NJBC is 20 years old, and, most of them are pretty smart, especially Blair and Chuck. I want them to finish college and start their careers, before they pop out kids. On the other hand, Chuck and Blair have always acted more mature than your average 20 year old. And if a baby is what it takes for Blair to realize she needs to be with Chuck, and not Louis, than I am ALL FOR IT! 🙂

  7. YAY! You rock! Every other recap has felt almost as boring as the episode itself (no CB and little SB makes Hannah a dull girl), but you squeezed out the juice, lol.

    And how can you even ask who the daddy is? CHUCK BASS, of course!

    • Thanks so much, Hannah Jo! That is so awesome of you to say. There are so many recappers out there, who write about Gossip Girl. And I’m really honored that you chose to read my blog, and took the time to tell me such great stuff about it. 🙂

      I think you’re right. The baby HAS to be Chuck’s! If it isn’t, those GG writers will certainly have to answer to us Chair fans. And we aren’t exactly a timid bunch, are we? In fact, we can be as tough, and as vicious, as Chuck and Blair, themselves, when they are working together toward a common goal! 🙂

      Don’t cross us, Writers! 😉

  8. Ellen

    Chuck’s abs DO look better, don’t they? I’m glad the CW is finally letting Ed show off a quarter inch of his stuff, because I’d hit that like the fist of an angry God.

    • “I’d hit that like the fist of an angry God” => Pure frickin win.

    • Allie

      Ha! Similes FTW 🙂

    • Hey Ellen! You are absolutely right! You know, as a female fangirl blogger, I am CONSTANTLY looking for shirtless photographs of my favorite, sexy, male stars. And I was always SHOCKED by how few times Ed Westwick was portrayed on television (and, in magazines, for that matter) without his shirt. And as we can see, from that Chuck Scar gif, he’s got a very commendable, exceptionally toned, and muscular physique.

      Way to go, Ed Westwick! Now that you’ve FINALLY let me see those abs, I ONLY want more . . .

  9. This is just my opinion, but Blair’s dress when she went to see Dan was AWFUL! The pattern had me picturing the scene from The Sound of Music where Maria made clothes from the curtains for the children. I just kept thinking “Tablecloth? Shower curtain. Shooweerr currtainn…”

    • LOL. That’s SO TRUE! 🙂 It’s strange, because I usually LOVE Blair’s style so much. Serena has worn a few odd things in the past. (And don’t even get me started on JENNY and VANESSA!) But Blair’s good fashion sense was something most fans of the show always agreed was universally awesome . . . until this week. I blame Louis-bot. 😉

  10. Amelia

    I enjoyed this review more than the actual episode. Great job, as usual!

    This episode was awesome!…. if you don’t ship Chair. The episode overall wasn’t too horrible, and I liked it better than the season 4 premiere, (especially with the cute NJBC minus Blair scenes) but I just wish that the writers would choose to rebuild and fix Chuck and Blair instead of experimenting with all sorts of different ships just to prolong Chair’s reunion.
    Unsure about Baby Bass,because on one hand, Chuck and Blair’s relationship has always been.. unconventional to say the least, but I just worry that this baby will DISTRACT them from their issues that still need to be addressed. The writers brushed over the hotel debacle, and I feel that since then, CB was NEVER the same. That betrayal will forever haunt them, whether or not they talk about it.
    But on the other hand, seeing how Chuck has always had daddy issues pre and post Bart’s death, could Chuck being a father himself help him get over these demons by having a “fresh start” per say? Either way, I’m reluctantly excited to see what will happen, and I’m pretty sure that the episodes will be 100x better when there are more Chair scenes!!

    • Hi Amelia! I love your take on the future of Chair, and how a baby might positively or negatively impact that. I definitely agree with you that, in preparation for a Chair endgame, the writers are going to need to address some tough moments in this couple’s history, to put both Blair’s mind, and the minds of fans, at ease. I feel as though the writers did a decent job addressing Chuck’s little “slip-up” with (gag) Jenny. However, both the hotel debacle, and Chuck’s putting his fist through the window last season, were both swept under the carpet too quickly, and need to be addressed.

      As I’ve probably mentioned, normally I’m ANTI-BABY STORYLINE, particularly in situations where the characters are still high school and college-aged. But Blair and Chuck have both acted like and lived adults LONG before they actually became them (probably since Season 3 or sooner). I mean, Chuck was HOTEL MAGNATE, for crying out loud! 🙂 And, if written properly, I think a baby storyline could work for Chuck and Blair, by bringing their unresolved issues to the forefront, and showing fans that Chuck has the courage and strength of character to support Blair, when it matters most.

      Oh, and YEAH, more Chair scenes = a much better Gossip Girl = a much happier (but probably less snarky) Recapper. So, I will definitely be keeping my fingers crossed for that, right along with you. 🙂

      • Amelia

        I just want them to have a honest conversation about ALL of these issues that have plagued them; also I wish we could have seen Chuck’s POV during the hotel debacle as well as the punching window disaster. It wouldn’t change much, but at least we would know what caused him to commit those actions,because now all we can do is speculate, and even years later, I’m still not sure why the hotel debacle *had* to happen, and I still don’t understand why Chuck did that… grr. It just seemed so random to me, because until that point, although there were a few bumps, CB was pretty solid and supportive of each other,and that’s why it hurt so much, for the fans as well as Blair.

  11. Megan

    I didn’t even watch the episode because I knew your recaps would tell me everything and be more entertaining than the show! As a Chair shipper I’m hoping it’s Chuck and Blair’s baby but I know all the show will do is disappoint me right now. So thanks for the recap and I love all your snarky, fun humor and am glad the show hasn’t tainted you like it has me. When Chuck and Blair re back then I might watch but the in-between circus has really made me hate the show right now. Again, thank you! It was a great recap!

    • Hey Megan! I’m so honored that I’ve become your Chair-friendly alternative to watching GG. 🙂 *blushes*

      I’ve done the same thing with a couple of shows myself (switched to solely recap reading, I mean). I think its hard when you love a show as much as we all love[d] Gossip Girl, since it’s inception, and it starts to really disappoint you, in some ways. In a way, it’s like being dumped by a boyfriend. You can’t help but take it personally ;).

      For what it’s worth, I think Chair is going to reunite this season, in a big way, as the show prepares for its endgame. And who knows? You may just find yourself tuning in again, when things start to get really juicy . . . 😉

  12. Allie

    I adored your take on the episode, as usual. Between Downer Dan and Louis-Bot, my Chair-shipping self was unimpressed, let’s say, with much of that crapfest, but your recap almost made up for it 🙂 And those Chuck Bass gifs pretty much make my life, so… well done!

    • LOL. Aww, thanks Allie! The Chuck Bass gifs make my life too. 🙂 That “I am Chuck Bass” one, in particular was quite a find. I have a feeling, I will be using that one a lot, in the future. 😉

      Yeah, us Chair fans sure have had a tough go of it lately. And we are such a substantial portion of the GG viewership, that some of the writers choices with respect to this couple have been surprising, to say the least.

      Here’s hoping that the GG producers wake up and smell the Chair, once again, this season. 🙂

  13. Bellemme

    I always love your recaps, and you know what’s going on in my mind as evidenced by the gifs you choose. Never stop recapping, or else we will all be miserable without you! Thankyou!!!!

    • Thanks Bellemme! I’m so glad your enjoying the recaps! *blushes* I feel the same way that you do about the GIFS. When I find a GIF on Tumblr or elsewhere that’s EXACTLY the moment in the episode I want to capture, I feel like I’ve found a kindred spirit online. That’s why I always try my best to source them, and give credit to all the fabulous GIF-makers out there. 🙂 I’ve made GIFS in the past, and can tell you, it’s not easy! 🙂

      And yes, I LOVE writing recaps, and talking TV with awesome, kickass fans like you. So, as long as I could continue to go without sleep to write them, and the shows I love stay on the air, I don’t plan on stopping anytime soon . . . 😉

  14. Ali

    U skipped my comment in Glee´s recap!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So sad!

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