I continue to learn a lot from Boardwalk Empire. For example, this week, I learned that the Age of Reason is seven-years old (which sucks, because I was really hoping I hadn’t gotten there yet). I also learned that you should always brush your hair, before giving birth to a baby by yourself in your bedroom. (You never know who might be stopping by.)
“Her hair . . . it was just so . . . UNKEMPT!”
Additionally, I learned some very interesting things about kosher meat preparation. Also, did you know that it is possible to seduce someone, just by offering to sweep up their cornflakes?
Because it is! (Owen, you sneaky STUD, you!)
Finally, I learned that, if you make out with your mom in public, Uncle Junior from The Sopranos will TOTALLY judge you!
You should be ashamed of yourself, you Mother Pucker!
Let’s get on with the recap, shall we?
“I’ll Keep You, My Dirty Little Secret.”
Pyromaniac Teddy has to make his First Confession this week. So, why is Margaret the one who’s panties are all in a bunch? Could it be because SHE has been doing a little sinning of her own?
“I am not having sexual thoughts right now. I am simply stroking this broom up and down repeatedly, because the friction helps me to clean better. Yes . . . that’s it.”
After spending some quality time with the priest, Margaret arrives home to enjoy what has become her favorite past time over the past few weeks: namely, The Passive Aggressive Verbal Assault of Maid Katie. Truth be told, Margaret seems to have had it out for this Dangerous Maid, ever since the latter learned the truth about her “secret” identity, and the family she left behind. This week’s jabs are directed at the highly spirited naked aerobics noises Margaret heard coming Katie’s room, in the last episode.
MARGARET: “I just want to let you know that I think your loud sex moans are totally fake and unnecessary. This is HBO, not Skinemax.”
KATIE: For your information, my moans are totally real. Perhaps, you’ve just never had a partner that was good enough to make you scream like that.”
“HEY! I heard that!”
“Your behavior . . . there are children in this house, as you are well aware,” snorts Queen Mother Margaret, as she stalks out of the room.
Cut to the next scene, where Nucky is riding Margaret, like she’s one of those coin-operated horses you see outside supermarkets.
Aside from showing Margaret’s apparent hypocrisy . . . as far as sex scenes go, this one is pretty darn ugly . . . with Nucky flopping all over the place, like a fish out of water, and Margaret, lying there, more or less immobile, with a look on her face, like she just smelled something skanky. Then it ends, and Studly Nucky lights up a cigarette, while patting himself on the back for a job well done . . .
NUCKY: “Was it as good for you, as it was for me?”
MARGARET: “I plea the Fifth.”
Though Nucky would probably like nothing better than to roll over like a dog and go to sleep, after his 30-second exertion, he notices that Margaret looks upset.
(Isn’t she always?) So, he decides to ask her what’s wrong? Just like the insecure school girl, Katie seems to turn her into, Margaret begins awkwardly fishing for compliments from her current lover. “Do you not find me attractive?” Margaret asks poutily. Um . . . Margaret, perhaps, the better question is, “Do you actually find Nucky attractive?”
George Clooney, he ain’t!
“We just made love,” Nucky offers soothingly. (That’s right, Nucky, because no man has EVER screwed a woman he DIDN’T find attractive.)
“Sometimes it feels like you are elsewhere,” Margaret admits.
Margaret then reveals to Nucky the true source of her stress. It involves the Confession she is expected to give to the priest prior to Teddy’s First Confession, so that she can “set a good example” for her
probably already a sociopath / future serial killer son. Nucky tells his “lover,” in no uncertain terms, that she should NOT reveal anything to the priest about his and Margaret’s “shared history,” which could be described as “morally ambiguous” to say the least. “How Catholic are you, really?” He asks casually.
“Catholic enough to shove this halo up your ass . . .”
However, the accusation and paranoia creeping into Nucky’s voice when he says this, is not lost on Margaret, who retorts, “If you are feeling guilty, perhaps you should take that up with the priest yourself,” she replies.
Game . . . Set . . . Match. Margaret: 1, Nucky: 0 (actually negative 1, for being bad in bed).
Later, Owen pays a visit to Margaret to defend the honor of his Lady Love, Katie. After taking FULL responsibility for the Dangerous Maid’s EXTRA LOUD moans of erotic passion, this Pimp Daddy proceeds to cleverly fondle Margaret’s hands and arms, under the guise of “helping her sweep up the Corn Flakes.” (So, that’s what the cool kids are calling it, nowadays!) Poor Margaret is total puddy in this guy’s hands, and immediately starts swooning, like a school girl, whose nursing a major crush on the star quarterback.
Owen also makes sure to
purposefully accidentally refer to Miss Schroeder as Miss Thompson to REMIND her that she is NOT a married woman, and, therefore, has no LEGAL obligation to continue having bad sex with Nucky, when she can be having GREAT sex with this tall glass of Irish Whisky. Message sent and received . . .
At confession, Margaret speaks NOT of all the criminal activities she’s gotten up to with Nucky, but rather of the erotic feelings she’s been having for a “very bad man,” who provides her with “nothing.” Though she doesn’t mention that man’s name, I think it’s pretty safe to guess that it probably rhymes with Mowin’ Cheater. Sorry, Nucky! It looks like this honeymoon is OVER!
“Anyone know how you spell Margaret’s last name? How about Owen’s?”
Meanwhile, in Creepy Crazy Van Alden Land . . .
Who What You Did, Nine Months Ago”
Lucy is SUPER tired of being preggers, and is seriously craving some lemons. Van Alden, being the real sweetheart he is, promises to get her some, after work. Today, “work” for Van Alden involves visiting that employee of his that got burnt to a crisp at a liquor distillery, while trying to expose Van Alden for being a total fraud and secret boozehound. Van Alden stands guiltily over the latter’s now charred and grotesque form, blubbering on about how the man’s fate is now the Lord’s hands, and what-not.
But then, the Human Bacon Lookalike starts chanting ominously, “I see you. I know what you did!”
This freaks Van Alden out, BIG TIME. So, he rushes outside in the hallway, where he is met with (GASP!) a flickering lamp. Oh no! It MUST be a sign from the Lord that
the hospital needs to hire better maintenance people Van Alden is about to be punished for his EVIL WAYS!
Frantic, Van Alden calls his wife, whining that he is a BAD MAN, who doesn’t deserve her, and isn’t fit for his job. (Tell, us something we DON’T know, Van A$$hole!) Mrs. Van Al-turd is understandably disturbed by her husband’s uncharacteristic demonstration that he might actually have a soul.
“There’s something fishy going on.”
Meanwhile, Lucy’s water has broken. And no one is around to get her to a hospital. She tries to get the neighbor kid to do it. But he takes one look at Lucy, and hides behind a curtain. (Honestly, can you blame him?) For most of the episode, we are “treated” to extremely uncomfortable interludes of Lucy, doing nothing but squatting awkwardly on various pieces of furniture, and moaning . . . (and I’m not talking about the GOOD Katie and Owen moaning, either).
“Please, make it stop.”
Then, she brushes her hair out in the mirror, and proceeds to give birth to her baby, all by her lonesome. (But, who cut the umbilical chord?)
“Dr. Jimmy, at your service!”
Back at the hospital, Van Creepo is completely unaware of the fact that he has just become a daddy. However, he has received some other good news. As it turns out, The Human Bacon isn’t REALLY the voice of the LORD. Rather, he is just some delirious, close to dying, DUDE, who spout out random crap at completely inopportune moments. We see that, when he tells the NURSE that . . . wait for it . . .”He sees [her]. And knows what she did.”
But wait . . . it gets better. Here’s what he says next: “You ate all the pie! I’m going to tell MA!”
Suddenly, Van Douchebag’s conscience is clear! (HOORAY!) He comes home lighthearted (with his bag of lemons, of course!) to find broken glass all over the floor. But before he can beat Lucy to a pulp, for being such a pig, he finds her in bed, nuzzling their newborn evil spawn. “I did it all myself,” says Lucy. “It’s a girl.”
Since Van Wackadoo is incapable of showing any genuine emotions, aside from anger, and discomfort, the Agent awkwardly excuses himself to get a doctor. When he returns, he is shocked to find the lemons he bought, placed neatly in a bowl . . .
The broken glass has also been cleaned up, and Lucy’s bloody nightgown soaking in the sink. (Really? Because, I would throw that sh*t out, SO FAST! Can you imagine wearing that again?)
Van Doofus is SHOCKED. “Wow,” he thinks to himself. “That Lucy is pretty amazing. She just gave birth, without a doctor, and still manages to find the energy to clean the house! What a saint!”
But, then, he goes back into Lucy’s room and finds . . . HIS WIFE, THERE.
Van Cheater is in BIG TROUBLE. “This child is FOR YOU!” He offers, pleadingly, as the two wrestle against the wall. Then, Rose BITES HIM ON THE WRIST, vampire style, before storming out of the boarding house.
Whoops! So, much for a family reunion. I hope you’ve saved up for a good babysitter, Mr. Van Newly Single. Because, something tells me that you, and Lucy Can’t Close Her Legs are going to need one . . .
Speaking of plans gone awry . . .
Green Shoes and Legal Blues
Nucky’s Evil Genius Plan to get his Election Fraud case moved to federal court, where (he thought) it would promptly be dismissed, gets off to a good start, when Ugly Green Toad Shoes, Esquire succeeds in getting the case removed from state court. But then, Nucky’s BIG BAD ENEMIES, Senator Hedge and Mr. Cincinatti / I Only Talk About Myself in the Third Person, Remus . . .
. . band together to blackmail Nucky’s allies into hiring a more vigorous prosecutor to throw the book at Nucky.
This means Nucky might actually have to defend himself in court against a REAL lawyer. He’s SUPER PISSED . . . so pissed, in fact, that he tosses Ugly Green Toad Shoes, Esquire right out of the Ritz Carlton, without even waiting for him to finish screwing the whores he hired at Nucky’s behest. Now . . . that’s just bad manners . . .
Finally, let’s check in on Jimmy D . . .
“Not Every Insult Requires a Response”
Simon says, stick out your arm. Simon says, hold up your gun. Now, SHOOT . . . (MANNY! I didn’t say “Simon Says!” You’re out!)
Jimmy, Gillian, and a still not particularly communicative Commodore, are meeting in the Commodore’s living room with Uncle Junior from The Sopranos, who doesn’t seem nearly as torn up as you would think he would be about his friend’s unfortunate scalping, last week. In fact, he seems much more disturbed by the big wet one Mommy Dearest leaves on Jimmy’s lips, as she exits the room.
JIMMY: “If he’s that grossed out by this, what would he say, if he knew she used to kiss my winkie, when I was a baby
and still does.”
Though highly socially aware in most circumstances, this really does seem to be the first time Jimmy sees what his bizarro relationship with his mother, must look like to other people. “She just does that sometimes,” he tells Uncle Junior, with an embarrassed look on his face.
“I’m confused. Doesn’t everybody’s mother try to make out with them, every once in a while?”
Fortunately, for Jimmy, Uncle Junior isn’t here to talk about incest. He’s here to discuss Jimmy’s leadership techniques, and how they could stand some improvement. “Not every insult requires a response,” notes Uncle Junior cleverly.
In other words, it is not necessary to scalp every old man who tells you that you lack respect for your elders, and proceeds to hit you on the head with a cane . . .
By way of example, Uncle Junior notes how Commodore was a big blow hard as a County Treasurer, while Nucky was more prudent, ambitious, and not afraid to grease a few wheels to get what he wanted. This , he explains, is why Nucky was more successful than Commodore in his position.
“Oh yeah? Well, I bet HE can’t hold a big fat phallic elephant tusk over his head! Oh wait . . . I can’t do that anymore, either.”
Jimmy gets a chance to use what he learned from Uncle Junior, soon enough. It begins, when he’s walking on the boardwalk, and sees Nucky walking with known mobster, Waxy Gordon (enemy to JIMMY’s new ally Manny Horovitz) and Manny’s associate Traitor Herman.
To ensure he hasn’t been seen, Jimmy plants a big sloppy tongue kiss on his lesbian wife, in order to hide his face.
Smooth move, Romeo! (Just don’t tell your Mom, or she’ll get jealous.)
Later, Jimmy rats out Traitor Herman to Manny, who responds by stringing the poor guy upside down in a meat locker.
After getting Traitor Herman to admit that he was conspiring with Waxy to help Nucky secure a liquor shipment, Manny asks Jimmy to slit his friend’s throat, because, as a kosher butcher, he isn’t permitted to kill an already wounded animal.
“This Bud’s for you!”
It’s a power play, for sure. But Jimmy only shows the slightest hint of hesitation, before slitting Herman’s throat, in a killing that wasn’t quite as grotesque as the two we saw last week, but still made me hide under my pillow for a few moments, while watching . . .
Later, when Manny, Jimmy and Richard come to intercept the liquor shipment (in a scene echoing the one from the pilot, in which Jimmy and Al Capone did the same thing), they are shocked to find Lucky and Meyer are the ones doing the shipping! The shock is so great for the usually UBER polite Richard, that it causes him to swear, for what is likely the first time. This, of course, is oddly adorable, as is most everything Richard Harrow does
except , when he scalps people, of course . . .
Manny wants to kill EVERYBODY, but Jimmy holds him off. “Not every insult requires a response,” insists Jimmy, echoing the very same words Uncle Junior uttered to him, earlier in the episode.
Tony Soprano approves (even though he hates Uncle Junior)
That is when Meyer, ever the diplomat and expert negotiator, suggests a plan. If Waxy and Jimmy team up with Lucky and Meyer in the heroine business, everybody wins. “Our predecessors’ time has passed,” he remarks prophetically.
Jimmy and Manny then agree to let Lucky and Meyer complete the liquor delivery, so as not to alert Nucky and his minions about agreement that has just been made. Then, Manny shoots some 13-year old kid, for sh*ts and giggles, and everybody goes home . . .
It’s just another day on the Boardwalk, folks . . .