[Note: For those of you waiting for a Mash-off Gleecap, I PROMISE you it’s coming! (In the words of Mike Chang, “I don’t feel tardy.”) It’s been a rather crazy week. But the recap is already underway, and I promise to have it to you before midnight tonight. Please forgive me for my lameness. ;)]
“To tongue Blair, or not to tongue Blair . . . that is the question.”
Greetings Upper East Siders! This week on Gossip Girl . . . Chuck Bass proved himself to be a Changed Man (yet, still a VERY good kisser) . .
“Still studly, after all these seasons . . .”
.. Blair exhibited her true feelings, as the lady who doth protest WAY too much . . .
“I don’t love Chuck Bass, anymore. The fact that I dream about him every night. And spend every waking minute thinking about and cyberstalking him is just pure coincidence.”
Nate revealed himself as the sex toy who uses his brain WAY too little . . .
Nate has something on his mind . . . *insert cricket sounds here*
Charlie / Ivy got kind of slutty, and, in doing so, may have inadvertently exposed her true identity (whatever THAT is!) . . .
Never . . . gets . . . old.
Diana displayed her true colors, as the all-knowing fairy tale villainess we always suspected she might be . . .
You give love (and tabloid journalism) a bad name.
Dan Humpty Dumpty became the literary equivalent of MySpace . . .
and Serena . . . well Serena, really didn’t do much of anything, to be quite honest . . .
Let’s review, shall we?
To Sleep, Perchance to Dream (of Chuck Bass)
Even in dreams, Chuck can give Blair an O . . .
Now, usually, I DESPISE Blair’s black-and-white, uber cheeseball dream sequences. However, since the one that kicked off this episode, featured a super snazzy looking, Chuck Bass, in a white suit (an outfit, VERY few men can pull off, by the way). . .
*wipes drool from corner of mouth*
. . . and was the writers not-particularly-subtle way of showing that Blair still has feelings for Chuck, and secretly regrets her decision to marry her cyborg fiance . . .
. . . I had much more tolerance for this particular dream sequence, than I would otherwise. Basically, the dream sequence is as follows . . . Blair is on a balcony of some sort looking for Louis-bot . . .
. . . but finds Chuck instead . . .
. . . Chuck gallantly offers Blair a drink, but
because she is worried that once she gets liquor in her system she will rip off all of Dream Chuck’s clothing and ravage him she declines. So, he, instead, volunteers to help her find Louis-bot, an offer she dubiously accepts . . .
“Dream almost-sex with Chuck, beats real sex with Louis-bot, any day (and twice on Sunday).”
Trying in vain to convince herself that Chuck’s Epic Apology to her for EVERYTHING that went wrong in their relationship EVER is fake, so that she can stop fantasizing about him all the time, Blair commadeers Dorota for a nice leisurely walk through the Park. Hmm . . . Now, I wonder, why, of all places, she would choose to go to the PARK?
This LIVE image on Gossip Girl’s website couldn’t possibly have anything to do with her decision. Could it?”
Dorota is SOOOO on to you, Queen B!
Put Down the Duckie (I Wanna Get Lucky)
“You aren’t the only one who cares about the city’s duck population, Chuck. See this feather on my hat? It’s from a REAL mallard.”
Blair pretends to be TOTALLY surprised and annoyed, when she comes upon Chuck, engaged in a Photo Op, after rescuing a cute little quacker from Death by Dog . . .
Who has a pointy beak, and is a Total Chair Fan? THIS GUY!
Arguments between Chuck and Blair always contain within them an undercurrent of sexual tension, and this time is no exception. Whether they are trading barbs about Duck la Orange, or screwing behind a tree . . .
. . . whenever these two are within ten feet of one another, they both just can’t help, but be turned on . . .
And yet, what’s unnerving Blair most about this conversation, in particular, is that, Chuck isn’t actually fighting with her, this time. Rather, he’s being the perfect gentleman, ceding to every demand and accusation that Blair makes, no matter how ridiculous it might be . . .
“Even though you are being particularly annoying, in this episode. I still love you more than life itself.”
One of the best parts of the scene, for me at least, was when Blair noted angrily that SHE had “custody” of the Duck Pond, based on the Treaty of 2010. Remember the Chuck / Blair treaty from last season? You know, the one they spent hours writing, and eventually tore up, shortly before they started banging one another pretty much, nonstop, for about four glorious consecutive weeks . . .
Ahhh . . . memories.
Following the extremely sexually frustrating Duck Pond experience, Blair becomes more determined than ever to prove that Chuck is still the same old self-destructive bad boy, he’s always been. Blair’s
super silly evil genius plan to bring out “Bad Chuck”, which is actually remarkably similar to the one the therapist attempted (and FAILED), is to provoke him with something he HATES, and hope that he lashes out, like he often would in “olden days.” Blair even makes a hilarious Venn Diagram to help her achieve her goal . . .
Things Chuck Hates . . . by Blair Waldorf.
But when Serena informs Blair that Chuck is hosting a charity event at the city’s mask-wearing theater production of Sleep No More, the Queen Schemer comes up with a way better plan to bring out the so-called REAL Chuck, than merely slipping him non-top shelf Scotch . . .
“I KNOW! I’ll seduce him, and get him to kiss me. And I won’t enjoy the feeling of his tantalizingly luscious lips pressing against mine, at all. No sir! This is all in the name of psychological research . . .”
Welcome to the Bargain Bin, Dan Humphrey!
And for his next magic trick, the Great Dan-zini will make the entire world forget that he exists . . .
As frustratingly unrealistic I always found Dan’s meteoric rise to fame, mere weeks, after some chump was hard-up enough for ideas to publish his Alternate Universe Dair fanfiction, I actually found THIS part of his storyline incredibly realistic. (And funny! Yes, I realize that this makes me a bad person. And no, I don’t care.)
So, last week, Dan’s book was dropped completely from the New York Times’ Best Seller’s List, after spending a mere week at Number 9 (just below Kim Kardashian’s autobiography, I suspect).
Humpty Humphrey sat on a wall (of books). Humpty Humphrey had a great fall.
This week, he went out on a book signing tour, and NOBODY SHOWED UP . . . It’s NOT FUNNY, OK?
Actually, this says more about that Alexandra chick being a LAME publicist than it does about Donut Dan. I mean, don’t GOOD publicists usually PAY people to show up at book signings, to prevent the author from looking like a TOTAL LOSER? Just a thought . . .
“That Alexandra chick is DEAD TO ME (or, at least, she will be, if she ever returns my calls).”
But instead of sucking it up, and actually being proud of his having a book published, AND making the Best Seller List by age 20, something 99% of the world never accomplishes, Dopey Dan has to go b*tch and moan about being a failure, and skip out on the remainder of his book tour obligations. He does this, despite his Dad’s super-inspirational “I Too Was Once a Loser Rocker . . . But Eventually I Became a Has-Been, Instead” speech . . .
I know I’m being harsh
(I’m ALWAYS harsh when it comes to the Dopey Donut, aren’t I?). But as someone who would literally KILL for a chance at having Dan’s so-called writing career, his attitude offends me deeply . . .
Speaking of folks whose fifteen minutes of fame, might be up . . .
“Oh, look! How clumsy of me! I’ve accidentally / on purpose bumped into my next prospective sexual conquest. (Because THAT doesn’t happen once a week, on this show.)”
Honestly, I don’t have very much to say about Serena’s storyline this week . . . if you could even call it that. Last week, if you recall, the EEEEVVVILL Diana pretty much got Serena fired from her last job, so that the Manhattan socialite could work for HER, blogging about her life. Serena eventually accepted the position, only to realize that, without a boyfriend, or an actual job, or any real hobby, aside from shopping, she doesn’t really have a life to write about . . .
“Time to start hooking again, I guess.”
Demonic Diana spends half of the episode using Charlie / Ivy / “Call Me Serena” to convince Serena to “continue” blogging, because she needs her to “take down Gossip Girl.” (More on what she does with the other half of the episode, in a bit.) First she has faux-Charlie try to convince Serena to make this random guy she meets on the street, miss a job interview, just so she can write about the “romantic afternoon they spent together.” (This Random Guy actually ends up being Charlie / Ivy / “Call Me Serena’s” ex, but we’ll get to that soon enough.)
It is no accident that the wardrobe department has dressed me in a blue collar . . .
Then, Diana organizes a date between these two future lovebirds, and then makes sure they can’t meet up, so that Gossip Girl posts a mean blast about how LAME Serena has become. Unfortunately Diana, lame is probably one of the mildest offenses Gossip Girl has lobbed against S. So, she’s not all that angry about it, actually. But, just when all hope seems lost, Diana gets Gossip Girl to write something about faux-Charlie going “Call Me Serena” bonkers again. And THIS pisses Serena off enough to agree to help Diana take that GG b*tch DOWN!
Personally, I always saw Serena as more of a Tumblr-type gal, myself . . .
You know, as much as I rank on Serena’s promiscuity, shallowness, and chronic self-absorption, I have to say that I admire how protective, generous and oddly maternal she is with Faux-Charlie. It almost makes me feel bad about her being TOTALLY played for a fool, by this perky con artist . . . almost.
Sharlie? Sivy? Scall Me Serena?
That’s Charlie / Ivy / Call Me
Serena BUSTED, to you!
“Oh, please don’t photograph me on my left side. I hate my left side.”
Silly Faux-Charlie! You should know better than to mess with Demonic Diana and her Adorably Brainless Boyfriend Nate!
“Look at my life-sized puppet. I pull his hair, and he talks. I pull his leg, and he dances. I pull his weiner and he . . .”
Diana and Faux-Charlie were having a wonderful blackmailer / blackmailee relationship, up until Faux-Charlie had to go and make out with Nate in public, last week, forcing Diana to take her not-so relationship with the beautiful hunk of meat, public, something she didn’t necessarily want to do . . .
“Sh*t! Now I’m going to be known as a cougar, my entire life. I knew I should have went out with Hugh Hefner, instead.”
Then, Faux-Charlie moves even HIGHER on Diana’s Poopy List, by allowing Gossip Girl to catch her kissing Nate in public, AGAIN! Last time, she did it to “win a contest.” This time she supposedly did it to “avoid having a run-in with the boyfriend she ditched, back in LA, who knows her true identity.”
“Tastes even better, the second time around.”
Sure, Charlie! We believe you!
So, Diana manipulates a SUPER Gullible Faux-Charlie, and an even MORE Gullible Nate to attend Chuck’s charity event together. There, Diana uses the masks all the guests at the function are required to wear, and Max’s barely there physical resemblance to Nate, to get Faux-Charlie to swap spit with her Ex, while Nate is watching . . .
“Call me Serena.”
“Call me Nate.”
“OMG! Charlie is kissing me AGAIN. She must really like me. Oh, wait . . . that can’t be me. I’m standing right here, and I definitely don’t feel any lips on my face.”
“Twenty-year old weiner . . . here I come . . . AGAIN”
I don’t know, if someone told YOU to make out their boyfriend, wouldn’t you be a little skeptical? And don’t even get me started on the fact that Faux-Charlie seemed to stare at Max for a full THREE SECONDS, before making out with him, and STILL claimed she thought he was Nate.
Speaking of Nate, he’s not much better . . . falling in love with every girl who sticks her tongue down his throat, and always believing whatever b.s. these con artists whisper in his ear, at the expense of common sense . . .
It’s hard to hate on all this pretty, though . . .
Outside of the event, Max tells Faux – Charlie they are TOTALLY dunzo. And then Diana adds insult to injury by firing her, and sending a blast of her face to Gossip Girl, which Max just so happens to see, providing him a hint that his thieving girlfriend might very well suffer from multiple personality disorder . . .
“Wow, what a small world! That crazy Charlie chick looks JUST like my ex-girlfriend!”
This storyline concludes with Diana making up with Nate at 8:58, as she has done in every single episode, for the past four weeks . . .
DIANA: “Talk about deja-vu!”
NATE: “Deja-who? I thought your name was Diana.”
Then, in a bizarre plot twist, we learn that Diana was actually hired by Nate’s GRANDFATHER to rehabilitate his tarnished image . . . Um, yeah, because nothing says professionalism and good breeding, like a twenty-year old rich kid who sort-of / kind-of / just barely works for sleazy tabloid, and f*&ks his friend’s mom . . .
“Hey! I’m not here to judge. If I was still capable of getting it up, I’d probably be doing the same thing.”
And now, for my FAVORITE part of the evening . . .
Lips Don’t Lie (or do they?)
I know . . . I know . . . as a Good Chair Fan, I’m supposed to be unhappy about this scene, because of the dubious circumstances that gave rise to it, and how it ended up. But none of that can take away the fact that CHUCK AND BLAIR MADE OUT THROUGHOUT AN ENTIRE COMMERCIAL BREAK (roughly three minutes)! That’s a HUGE deal, in my book. And, if at all possible, the seduction scene that led up to this kiss, was even hotter than the kiss itself!
Watch, and you’ll see what I mean . . .
Whew! *fans self* Sure, it ended in a slap. And, yes, it started, merely because Blair wanted to prove to herself that Chuck hadn’t really changed. But the sexual chemistry between Chuck and Blair in this scene was extremely real, as far as I’m concerned.
Blair and Chuck know one another so well, sexually, that it is ridiculously easy for them to turn each other on. As we can see in the above clip, Blair is extremely successful at getting Chuck all hot and bothered, by allowing him a whiff of her perfume, exposing her neck to him, and tantalizing him with Red Hots. I, for one, don’t believe, for a second, that the look of barely concealed eroticism on Chuck’s face is just acting . . . nor is the small moan of pleasure Blair lets escape her lips, when he first pulls her in for that deep, long, and luscious, liplock . . .
“That was so hot, I think my water just broke.”
So, after whacking Chuck in the face, Blair escapes, content with the faux-knowledge that Chuck hasn’t changed. Now, she won’t have to regret her decision to marry a weird-accented, evil robot, EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE. HOORAY!
What we find out later, of course, is that Dorota asked Chuck to give in to Blair’s kiss, for this precise reason . . . so that Blair can be . . . HAPPY? with LOUIS? Isn’t that like an oxy-moron, or something?
Or . . . perhaps, more appropriately, a LOUIS-MORON?
My personal thoughts about whether what Dorota and Chuck did was actually the RIGHT choice for Blair, doesn’t lessen my admiration for Chuck, for his performing, what may very well have been his most selfless and genuinely good-hearted act . . . since back in high school, when he orchestrated Blair’s Prom Queen victory, despite the fact that she was dating Nate, at the time . . .
Apparently, a leopard CAN change his spots . . . but he can never change his heart.
And that was “The Big Sleep No More” in a nutshell. But try not to feel too down in the dumps about it . . .
After all, I have it on good authority, that Blair won’t be able to keep herself away from Chuck too much longer. Don’t believe me? Check out this Canadian promo for next week’s GG installment, which is entitled “All the Pretty Sources.”
Oh, and here’s the not nearly as much fun American promo (though, admittedly, Drunken Dan might prove to be amusing) . . .
Until next time, XOXO!