[ Your recap for Gossip Girl’s “Rhodes to Perdition” is on it’s way! Check back for it later this evening (E.S.T.) XOXO!]
For the record, I would ABSOLUTELY watch a spinoff of Gossip Girl, consisting entirely of Chuck Bass, staring sexily at the camera, and insulting a Drunken Humpty Humphrey, while the latter mumbles incoherently about nothing in particular . . .
Greetings Upper East Siders! This week on Gossip Girl, we learned that making major changes in your life, often requires action. But, sometimes, the most heroic thing to do in a particular situation is nothing at all. We also learned that, Chuck is more than willing to share his apartment, his flask, his pot, and his hookers with his friends . . .
But he always saves his Monkey for himself . . .
Let’s recap, shall we?
You’ve Been E-vited to the Shower of the Century . . .
Hooray, it’s Blair’s Wedding Shower! This is a time for us to celebrate the wonder that is how Blair has somehow managed to stay engaged to Louis-bot, despite the fact that (1) he was obviously created by a mad scientist in a lab, somewhere; (2) no one ever understands one f*&king word he says; and (3)the remaining few mildly redeeming aspects of his personality vanished about four episodes ago. Party Planner Serena feverishly makes preparations for the Big Event.
Being human and having a personality is overrated, anyway.
Meanwhile Chuck (who wasn’t invited to the Shower, thanks to a certain HOT AND HEAVY makeout fest with the guest of honor, last week) . . .
. . . walks his Monkey . . .
“Oh, dammit! Not these little b*tches, again. And what the hell is that one in pink wearing on her head?”
. . . and is forced to field insults from those runty Mini GG’ers that the writers randomly throw into the show about once every season (possibly to appeal to that all-important under-10 demographic).
In all fairness, the one on the right DOES bare a striking resemblance to Blake Lively . . .
I actually found them really funny, the first two times they appeared. Now, when Chuck half-heartedly sicks the docile Monkey on them (telling the girl’s the dog’s been forced to attack fake Prada, no less), a part of me hopes the canine goes temporarily insane, and bites their little heads off.
“That’s what you get for insulting my Master!”
Speaking of insulting, elsewhere on the Upper East Side, Lily and Rufus are laughing hysterically at Donut Dan, who has, once again, been called out by Gossip Girl for being a total loser.
“I told you! This is why I always insist on wearing a bag over my head, whenever we go out in public with your son.”
“You are SO not getting a signed copy of my book, MOM!”
He hasn’t been invited to Blair’s party either. This is because he once wrote a fanfiction starring himself, in which he and Blair made mad passionate Humpty Humphrey love. And that fanfiction just so happened to make it onto the New York Times Bestseller list, for about two minutes, thereby totally humiliating Blair. (Smut fanfiction has always been the most popular kind, after all.)
“I ended up calling my book, Inside. But the working title was actually, Dan Humphrey: Sex God.”
Oh, did I mention that Louis-bot is back from his episode long hiatus, having been refurbished with a brand new battery pack, and an even more bizarre-sounding language chip?
“I caammm barink geeefts to show my wuv to yuuuu, Blayerrr.”
Case in point: by way of apology, he bought Blair “boo-atles of purrrrfoooom, whiz shee kin smizsch un heez hiz hid, if she leaks” (a.k.a. bottles of perfume, which she can smash on his head, if she likes.)
Louis promises Blair that his time away has left him a changed man. (I mean, they have replaced his batteries, after all!) But then, not one minute later, he’s already bashing on all Blair’s friends, and trying to isolate her from them, claiming that they don’t have her “bist intwest acht haurrrt” (a.k.a. best interests at heart).
“Oh, you mean because they paid off a shrink to try and make my ex-boyfriend go nuts, even if that meant he might hurt me, in the process? Oh, wait . . . that was YOU!”
As evidence of this, Louis-bot shows Blair a GG blast about her recent Paternity Test debacle, claiming that since HE didn’t write it, one of her friends probably did.
Of course, as anyone who’s ever had to suffer through a Lifetime movie can tell you, this is textbook future wife-beater behavior. In other words, Blair, RUN . . . AWAY . . . FAST!
Since Louis-bot has already planted the seeds of doubt in her head, as to her friends’ party planning abilities, Blair becomes damn-near suicidal when her minions accidentally / on-purpose let it slip that Blair’s shower invitation was sent via e-vite . . .
. . . with instructions to wear jeans . . .
. . . because Greek food will be served from a nearby grease truck . . .
. . . along with . . . SHAVED ICE for dessert.
OH THE HORROR of casual dining. (I’m not even sure Blair owns a pair of jeans!) It’s a wonder our bride-to-be didn’t immediately toss herself off the roof of the Hotel Empire.
Of course, it’s a very good thing she didn’t. I mean, obviously, we don’t want Blair to kill herself. (How would we ever get our Chair Happy Ending, if that happened?) But also, the party ended up being totally awesomesauce, and not at all how the girls meanly led Blair to think it would be . . . (More on that later.)
But, since we are on the subject of Blair. What the hell kind of outfit was she wearing during the entire first half of the show? She looked like a cross between Barbara Bush and a human Christmas Tree?
That said, her dress for the bridal shower kind of rocked. (I think.) So I’m willing to let this temporary lapse into fashion victim-ism slide . . .
MAX-imum Trouble for Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena
The problem with having three different names, is that you never know who you are exactly, until someone calls you by one of them.
Just ask Charlie/Ivy/Call Me Serena, who becomes deeply confused (not to mention royally screwed), when ex-boyfriend Max comes a-stalking, and starts blabbing his mouth off to Lily about Charlie, not really being Charlie (or Call Me Serena, for that matter). As far as Max is concerned, Charlie is Ivy. And, as far as Ivy is concerned, Max is a DEAD MAN!
“Conveniently, one of my multiple personalities just so happens to be a serial killer named Bubba Chainsaw.”
Fortunately, for Charlie/Ivy/Call Me Serena, she’s way smarter than she looks. Girlfriend comes up with an actually-pretty-convincing story for Lily (and Max), about how her riches-hating mama forced her to pick-up a separate identity, just to make sure no one used her for her trust-fund baby status.
“Good one . . . Char . . . Iv . . . whatever the hell your name is!”
Suddenly, Lily’s feeling all guilty, as she hugs her faux-niece, and speechifies about how she should never feel like she has to hide her true identity, and blah-blah-blah.
Lily is officially a moron. For a few seconds there, I thought I was watching the last few minutes of a Very Special Episode of that old sitcom, Full House.
“Well, this is awkward . . . Why didn’t the trusty doorman tell me they were filming an After School Special in here?”
(“You just be yourself,
D.J. Tanner Faux Charlie! Your REAL friends will like you for who you are . . . or . . . in this case . . . who you pretend to be.”)
Alone in Faux Charlie’s room, Charlie/Ivy/Call Me Serena offers to give Max $50,000 to start his own restaurant in Seattle, as a consolation prize for no longer being able to f*&k her. Max seems pretty cool with the offer, which doesn’t say much for faux-Charlie’s skills in the sack.
“Hmm . . . let me think about this . . . lots of cash OR mediocre sex with crazy lying b*tch . . . CHECK PLEASE!”
But later, Max randomly gets let into the van der Woodsen apartment by the WORST DOORMAN EVER, and starts digging around faux-Charlie’s things. There, he conveniently finds a playbill for a local show on which “Ivy” and “Carol Rhodes” (faux-Charlie’s so-called mother) worked together in Florida. Ruh Roh!
Consider all of your personalities officially busted . . .
Then, an Evil Lightbulb goes off in his brain . . . (insert maniacal laugh here) . . .
Max McPoorPerson decides to stick around the Upper East Side, after all. In fact, he might even have a shot at having sex with Serena! (Why not, everyone else does?) Oh, and why just ask for $50,000 to keep your ex-girlfriend’s dirty little secret, when you can ask for . . . wait for it . . . FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS . . .
The Scandalous E-mails of Manhattan’s Elite
Hey, did you know that this whole ridiculous The Spectator storyline was just an extremely overy complicated plot by Nate’s grandfather to get his son a real job . . . one that didn’t involve him sticking his head up the ass of some 40ish cougar? Oops. So, much for that!
“There aren’t any great-grand kids I should know about are there?”
Anywhoo, Nate’s grandpa gives Mamacita Diana an ultimatum: make your lame online tabloid successful, and set Nate up as it’s fearless leader, ASAP or else
I’ll tell everyone your CHUCK’S MOM! Interestingly enough, it’s actually Nate who comes up with the key to making grandpoppy’s plot a resounding success, when Eric VDW’s ex beau Jonathan somehow hacks into Gossip Girl’s e-mail and finds a database containing every piece of information anyone has ever sent to her EVER.
“See . . . contrary to popular belief, I am actually smart . . . S- M-R-T (That spells smart, by the way.)!”
Nate tells Serena about this. And Serena’s all “HELL NO! I send Gossip Girl mean and nasty e-mails about you people, everyday! You can’t publish this! It will make me look like a total asshat!”
Nate agrees. But then Diana is magically lurking around the office when he has his conversation, and learns everything. When Nate begs Diana not to publish “All the Pretty Sources” (see what I did there), Diana immediately assumes that Nate is only looking out for himself, because HE has sent so many salacious e-mails to Gossip Girl, over the years. But when she does a search for his name, she finds . . . wait for it . . . NOTHING . . . NOT ONE E-MAIL.
Nate Archibald is a GOOD MAN! HALLELUJAH! Either that, or, instead of sending e-mails to Gossip Girl using his real, FULL NAME, because that would be STUPID (Seriously, what’s WRONG with these people? Why the hell would you trust GOSSIP GIRL, of all people, not to reveal you as a source), he’s the only one who was smart enough to send his GG blasts, through the anonymous moniker, CougarLover69@gmail.com.
“Actually, the real reason I never sent any info to Gossip Girl is that I never learned how to type. My maids always did that for me.”
Inspired by Nate’s angelic tendencies
and large weiner a genuinely lovestruck Diana calls Grandpoopy Archibald, hoping to call off the whole thing. Unfortunately for Diana, Silly Serena was SO SCARED people would find out how much sh*tty stuff she said about her friends to Gossip Girl over the years, that she LEFT HER WEB BROWSER OPEN when she went to the bathroom, allowing Louis-bot to see EVERYTHING!
“Heylooo, Serrenaaaa. I haf coome to keeel yer freend-sheep wit Blayerrr.”
And, of course, because Louis-bot is secretly the greatest computer hacker of ALL TIME, he immediately publicizes the sources list, ALL BY HIMSELF. (They must teach this at finishing school in Monaco!) In doing this, Louis-bot pretty much singlehandedly RUINS his wife-to-be’s bridal shower (More on that, in a bit.), and pretty much pees on her reputation in the process. (Nice going, DOOFUS!)
But back to Nate . . . . he walks in on Diana’s and Grandpoopy’s scheming. Nate’s discovery causes Diana, who now think’s Nate is just dreamy (and, of course, doesn’t want her dirty little Bass-tard secrets to come pouring out – Gossip Girl style) to take the blame for publicizing the sources list.
“Grandpaaaa! The bad lady had sex with me, and made me have trust issues!”
Nate is FURIOUS that he has been betrayed, as evidenced by his FURROWED BROW OF ANGUISH.
“You are giving me premature wrinkles, Diana. (I plan to send you a bill for my Botox, in about ten years. Just so you know.)”
No more Sex in the Spectator Room, for Diana, that’s for sure! Grandpoopy then swoops in, like the HERO he is, to buy out Diana’s interest in The Spectator (which, of course, he already owns), and fire the Cougar Vamp, banishing her back to LA, where she belongs.
Grandpoopy then makes the worst business decision IN THE WORLD, by putting his twenty-year old Grandson, who, is actually still in college (though the show often tends to forget this fact), and has NO REAL WORK EXPERIENCE, WHATSOEVER (unless you count schtupping your boss as work) as the head of The Spectator. Then again, when you have more money than GOD, what’s one bad business decision (or ten) among family . . .
And now, for the storyline you’ve ALL been waiting for . . .
Everything is just Duck-ie! (and Chair-y!)
A mopey Dan show up at his new bestie, Chuck’s apartment on the morning of Blair’s wedding shower-to-be. Donut Dan’s hope is that Chuck will be able to somehow get Humpty Humphrey’s mind off the fact that he basically sucks at life. At first, Chuck is not at all interested in the offer, much preferring to spend the day in the significantly more high class company of his adorable dog. “Would you be willing to get a haircut and change your clothes?” He asks wryly.
DAN: “Why, what’s wrong with my hair and clothes?”
CHUCK: *laughs until milk pours out of his nose*
Dan refuses, perhaps believing that his ridiculous hair is what gives him the power to write bad, but, surprisingly lucrative, fanfiction, and bed women who are significantly out of his league, like Serena
but not like Manessa.
“Then I’m afraid I can’t help you,” replies Chuck.
But then he sees the newspaper article about Blair and Louis-bot’s upcoming nuptials, and decides he could really use some good human company . . . But since that’s not available to him at the moment, Donut Dan will have to do . . .
“GRRRRRRR! Death to all evil cyborgs with weird accents!”
In an adorable bromantic bonding moment, the pair get high and drunk together, while eating fancy catered snacks, and watching, of all things, The Matrix. (Because watching Clockwork Orange while stoned does strange things to Chuck’s perception. Who knew Chuck was a cinephile?)
DAN: “Take me, Chuck Bass. I’m yours!”
CHUCK: “Do you come with a refund policy?”
As Dan rambles on about how Serena has evilly banished him to outsider status by singlehandedly killing his movie deal, Chuck offers him some tough love. Basically, he tells his Fro-haired friend that if he wants to stop being an Outsider, he should stop painting himself as one, and start doing something with his life, aside from moping about Serena, and writing bad fanfiction.
To prove his point, Chuck hires two of his favorite hookers to bone Dan ( . . . . in Nate’s bedroom of course), while Chuck, once again, heads out to walk his dog. Now, THAT’S friendship!
But when Chuck returns, the hookers inform him that drunk Dan abandoned their asses, and is off to crash Blair’s wedding shower, and make a TOTAL ASS of himself, in the process.
*Sigh* Poor Chuck! All he wanted to do was get high and admire Keanu Reeves black leather pants and wooden dialogue delivery. Now, he’s gotta babysit a Drunk Humpty Humphrey AND witness his soul mate’s celebration of her upcoming nuptials to someone who is NOT HIM
and not human.
Meanwhile, Blair and Louis-bot have just arrived at the shower. And Blair is pleasantly surprised to find that it isn’t a casual Greek food truck e-vite type event at all! In fact, it’s a TIFFANY-themed party, which pretty much confirms for Blair that her bestie Serena, knows her and loves her more than anyone else (except for maybe, Chuck). She has her best interests at heart, after all! (Take that, Louis-bot!)
“How does one say, ‘I told you so,’ in Robot?”
Serena is wearing a weird pink gift wrap ribbon in her hair. Also, her dress vaguely resembles a bunch of crumbled up pieces of the comic strip section of the New York Times, which have been hastily taped together around her ass.
But that doesn’t stop her from giving a really sweet and heartfelt speech in Blair’s honor . . . a speech that reminds us, once and for all, that, at it’s core, this is a show about friendship. “It is a true honor, just knowing you, B. You have become the strong confident princess I always knew you would,” says Serena, which, I must admit brought a tear or two to my eye.
As did the dead birds these girls were wearing in their hair . . .
By the way, WHERE THE HELL IS DOROTA?!!!
Oh, but lest we think this is a normal bridal shower, thrown by one best friend for another, Serena does something to remind us that, though it may be Non Judging, the Non Judging Breakfast Club, is, in fact, better than we are, because they are MUCH MUCH RICHER. At most bridal showers, the party favors are things like lame t-shirts with the bride-to-be’s name on it, or cheap ceramic mugs, with her picture on it. Not in the Upper East Side. For B’s Bridal Shower, everybody gets a Tiffany’s box, and one lucky person gets a TIFFANY RING.
The ring winner ends up being Cinderliar herself, Faux Charlie . . . which is probably a good thing, considering she’s going to need to hock that swaggy piece of jewelry to pay off her creepy stalker of an ex-boyfriend.
Meanwhile, everyone at Blair’s party has just gotten wind of the publication of the Gossip Girl source e-mail. And now they are all mad at the Guest of Honor for all the awful things she sent to Gossip Girl about THEM!
“But I only spread all those nasty rumors about you, because I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH! (Yeah, it doesn’t make sense to me either.)”
A mass exodus ensues. Then, Blair, being Blair immediately blames SERENA for doing the deed, just to RUIN THE PARTY SHE THREW. (Really, Blair? Really?) She claims that she and Serena were never really friends, after all.
Then, she finds out that her cyborg boyfriend was the one who leaked the sight (to show Blair how evil her friends were, or whatever), and feels like total sh*t for all the awful crap she just said to Serena, after Serena worked her comic-strip covered ass off to throw her the best party ever. Blair then confronts Louis-bot about what a horrible human being he is, and FINALLY begins to wonder whether she is making the wrong decision by marrying him.
(Blair, a word of advice to you: if it walks like a robot, and talks like a robot, and acts like an assh*le, you probably shouldn’t marry it.)
First she proves to Louis, using the GG site HE posted, that it was HIS sister, and not one of her friends that sent the blast about the paternity test. Then, she tells him that she needs time to think about the status of their already in the toilet relationship. “Look, people are leaving, perhaps, you should join them,” Blair insists, and it’s the SECOND most awesome thing she says all episode.
(We’ll get to the first, in just a bit . . .)
In the midst of all this, a drunken Dan crashes the party, while sipping freely from a flask he stole from Chuck’s apartment, bearing the latter’s initials on it’s front.
“Hello GG Extras, would any of you, by chance, be interested in having sex with a drunk,not-particularly-famous, author in an elevator?”
Chuck initially thinks that Dan is coming to tell off Serena. So, he’s more than a bit surprised, when the Donut starts blathering on to Blair, wondering why she didn’t invite him to her party, when he wrote such super things about her, and her prowess in the sack, in his fanfiction.
“Yourrrrr soooo boootiful, Blairr!”
“Why is everyone talking to me in Robot, today!”
Blair looks utterly confused throughout the entire slurred speech. But, fortunately, for Dan, Chuck pulls him out of the party, before he can make TOO big of an ass of himself, by, say . . . vomiting on Blair’s dress . . .
Things get even more adorable, when Dan slumps down on the stoop of a random brownstone, and Chuck, being the good friend that he is, deigns to sit down next to him there (possibly soiling his designer pants), in a show of brotherly solidarity. “I told you to get some ass, not to make one of yourself . . . by antagonizing Blair at her own shower,” Chuck explains. “Clearly, you are in love with her.”
Donut Dan initially looks a bit dumbfounded by this accusation (then again, that’s probably just his Drunk Face), but can’t really deny it. Then Chuck explains to him that, since they both lost the woman of their dreams to the Evil Louis-bot, they are really BOTH outsiders, in this situation. Chuck then, more or less, carries Dan’s drunk ass back to the Hotel Empire, settles him down on the couch, and puts a blanket over his farmer flannel and weird hair, thereby making the world a safer place for men’s fashion.
Sweet drunky dreams, Donut Dan!
In all seriousness, it’s a super sweet thing to do . . .
And, fortunately, for Chuck, someone very special is there to witness it . . .
You see, when Blair came with her tail between her legs to apologize to Serena for the whole Accusing Her of Ruining Her Shower Thing, Serena, who has always been as much Team Chair as the rest of us, made sure to let Blair know that Chuck came to her shower to save it from Dan’s drunken antics.
So, Blair, of course, cannot resist paying the true love of her life a visit. The look on Chuck’s face, when he turns around and sees her standing in his apartment says it all.
On one hand, he’s totally and completely enamored with her, and probably wants nothing more than to take her in his arms, rip off her dress, and make sweet, sweet love to her, right on top of Donut Dan’s drunk ass. On the other hand, Chuck truly believes he’s lost her already. So, having to face her, and be tempted like this, when he’s trying so hard to be a better man for her, seems like a cruel, cruel twist of fate. “You shouldn’t have come here,” he says to her sadly.
“I know,” replies Blair solemnly, as she looks at Chuck with just as much love and adoration in her eyes, as she did that first time he managed to utter those important three words, eight letters to her.
It is like she is really seeing him . . . or, rather, the man he has become, for the first time.
“You’ve really been good this whole time, haven’t you?” She asks.
Then, they eye f*&k, the credits roll, and I melt into a little happy Chair-infused puddle on my couch. Those Naughty GG writers, always saving the best moments of the show until 8:58 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. But, of course, that’s why we love them . . .
Care to relive the magic? Here you go!
And hey, if the trailer’s for next week’s installment are any indication, there’s a whole lot more Chairy goodness where that came from. You can check out the American and Canadian trailers for “Rhodes to Perdition” right here:
Good lord, I swear, Ed Westwick gets hotter, every week . . .
I literally drooled all over my keyboard watching that American promo (which, surprisingly enough, I actually preferred to the Canadian one, this time around. Go figure!).
So, what did you think of “All the Pretty Sources.” Did Drunken Dan make you laugh? Did Chivalrous Chuck make you melt? Are you glad that Blair is finally coming to her senses about Louis-bot? Do you honestly believe that Nate never sent a single piece of intel to Gossip Girl? Are you sorry to see Diana go? Do you wish Faux-Charlie, or Max McPoorPerson went with her?
Let me know in the Comments Section. Until next time, XOXO!