“So, Blair, I hear this guy rents out the room by the hour. What do you say we give it a go on the couch, for old time sake? Consider it part of your Bachelorette Party . . .”
Greetings, Upper East Siders! You know, every GG installment involves lying, to some extent. But I feel like “Rhodes to Perdition” was much less about the lies we tell others (though, of course, there were plenty of those), and more about the lies we tell ourselves. Also of note in this week’s episode . . . the COMPLETE LACK OF LOUIS-BOT.
“Do you meessss my saxxxxy voyeeez?”
For me, this just confirms the fact that Louis-bot cannot spend consecutive episodes as a “real” human, without being taken out of commission, every few days or so, for some reprogramming / battery recharging. Now, while this is always great for Gossip Girl (because we all deserve a cyborg-break sometimes), and even MORE great for Chair (who shared not just one but MULTIPLE scenes together this week) . . .
. . . it might not be so great for me, as a recapper, since Louis-bot’s inexplicable robot speak, always proved good for some easy laughs.
“Donnnn worry, Recapah! I’ll be baaaaaacck!”
Hopefully, Donut Dan and Max McPoorPerson will help to make up for the loss . . .
Much Ado About MaxMcPoorPerson
When we last left Max McPoorPerson, he was blackmailing Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena for FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS . . .
He had also started dating Serena, because . . . well, because that’s what all the male guest stars on this show do, basically. (I’m pretty sure it’s in their contract.) When the episode opens, the two have just spent a romantic evening
boning checking out the “sights of New York.” And by the schmoopy expression on Serena’s face, we can tell that she’s already smitten with this Boy From the Wrong Side of the Tracks, And By That, I Mean Portland, Oregon . . .
(In Serena Speak, this translates roughly as “If you want to have sex with me, my legs are always open.”)
Serena then tells McPoorPerson that her grandma is coming over to attend some party at Studio 54 in her honor. (You know, because nothing says sexy, like talking about GRANDMA.) McPoorPerson then seizes on the opportunity to offer to bake granny a cake . . . but only if Serena helps. McPoorPerson does this, because he knows that the magical act of baking, will make Serena fall madly in love with him. And this will only make it easier for him to obtain the FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS that will convert him from McPoorPerson to McSortofWealthy.
“This is what I like to call my ‘Plotting and Scheming Face.'”
Shortly thereafter, McPoorPerson and Charlie/Ivy/Call Me Serena meet up at a diner for a Super Secret Meeting of the Con Artists (This is probably a good location for said meeting, since nobody from the Upper East Side would ever be caught dead in a diner).
“Hey Max McPoorPerson, remember when you used to take me on dates to places like this? SUCKA!”
Once there, McPoorPerson tells Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena that, if she doesn’t pony up the 500 HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS pronto, he will show Serena the playbill with her REAL NAME ON IT . . .you know
Call Me Serena Lying Poopyhead Ivy.
Behold the PLAYBILL OF TRUTH!
When Faux Charlie fights back, by convincing Serena to break her magical cake baking date with Max, he moves his deadline up to TWENTY FOUR HOURS. OMG! It’s like an episode of 24 . . . only with much lower stakes . . . and less terrorists . . . and less buildings exploding . . .
Jack Bauer does not approve.
Faux Charlie decides to cry about this to her Faux Mommy, Carol Rhodes, who admits that Grandma CeCe has put a little locksie on real Charlie’s trust account, so that Carol can’t access it. But since neither woman wants McPoorPerson to beat them at their own game, Carol decides to come by and sweeten up the old lady . . .
“This is my Sweet Face.”
Unfortunately, the Rhodes / VDWs always seem to like their fake family members, better than their real ones. So, Carol isn’t exactly welcomed with open arms. (Just between you and me, I think it’s because she’s not blonde. I’ve always suspected Lily and Cece to be prejudiced against brunettes. Sorry Rufus . . . and Chuck . . . and Blair . . . and Dan . . . and Nate.)
In fact, Cece sees right through Carol’s money-grubbing pleas.
“Shut up, Carol! Can’t you see your money-grubbing pleas are putting Granny to sleep?”
Faux-Charlie, unlike her fake mom, is a kickass little con artist. She manages to butter up Granny, and unlock her little trust fund, quicker than you can say, “Call me Serena.” But where Little Miss Goody Two Personalities really earns points is her “discretion” in not spilling to the rest of the family CeCe’s Super Secret Breast Cancer. (At least, I think that’s what she has, based on the pills she’s taking.)
“Well, it sure as hell isn’t Aspirin!”
On the other hand, judging by all the not-so-insignificant faints and “oopsies,” the older woman suffered throughout the episode — one of which actually seemed to SAVE faux-Charlie from being revealed for the fraud she is — I can’t help but wonder whether Granny CeCe is headed to that Big Studio 54 in the sky. And if she is . . . I suspect faux-Charlie’s “discretion” will come back to bite her in the ass, as will “real” Charlie, who — assuming she’s alive — will undoubtedly pop up in time for the funeral . . .
“Ummm . . . hi Real Charlie. Feel free to ‘Call Me Serena.'”
Things get stickier for Faux Charlie, when Serena, whose hair suddenly looks like the Before Picture in a commercial for Frizz-ease shampoo (I guess because she thinks it makes her more “seventies”) . . .
How does her head not topple over?
. . . overhears Lily calling Carol out, on making Faux Charlie change her name to Real Ivy. (Are you confused yet? Because I sure am!)
And this dress confuses me most of all . . .
Sometimes I don’t give Serena enough credit for actually having brain cells. Because of that, I was super impressed with her for remembering that “Ivy” was the name of Max’s wench ex girlfriend. She also correctly surmised that the reason Faux-Charlie was so dead set on Serena not dating Max was that . . . wait for it . . . SHE WAS IVY.
One simply cannot be best friends with Blair Waldorf for her entire childhood, without picking up a thing or two about pulling off a great scam. And Serena is surprisingly Blair-esque, when she convinces McPoorPerson to come over to the VDW house, by making him think the house will be empty, and he will get laid, when in actuality it’s FILLED with family members dancing badly, and clad in hideously ugly sequined dresses.
*clears throat loudly*
Uh Oh McPoorPerson, it looks like you are due for a case of these . . .
What’s particularly interesting about this part of the story, is that, by the time, McPoorPerson arrives at house, he no longer wants to expose Faux Charlie for the fraud she is, because if he does, there no longer any chance of him getting his money.
MAX: “Jesus! Are ANY of you Rhodes women actually going to sleep with me? CeCe?”
MAX: “I take that as a YES!”
So, when Serena publicly confronts Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena, Max (along with a few other key party guests) actually looks kind of relieved when CeCe practically dies in front of all of them.
What can I say? Greed is good!
But don’t fret my Cece lovers. As it turns out, the lovely old biddy is TOTALLY OK . . . (well, except for the whole Super Secret Breast Cancer thing). One of the upsides of CeCe’s temporary brushes with death, of course, is that it gives faux-Charlie time to compose her own story. And it doesn’t look good for McPoorPerson. . . .
“Does this mean you guys aren’t going to come visit me at me new job as Head Fry Guy at McDonalds?”
But wow, you really have to hand it to Faux-Charlie. If pathological lying was a sport, she’d be an Olympic Gold athlete. This time, she claims that McPoorPerson is here because he’s McBribing her with a McSexTape for . . . wait for it . . . FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS, and that’s why she’s been so desperate to get the money. McPoorPerson is McFlabbergasted.
But, unfortunately, for him, he McSucks and McScheming, and his words of self-defense, make him look like a major McAsshole . . . First he claims that Faux-Charlie grew up in a trailer park, with a drug addicted mom. And though it turns out that all of this is true, surely none of the VDWs could ever believe that someone they knew personally grew up in anything less elegant than a 3,000 square-foot apartment, in a “nice neighborhood.” He also claims to have proof . . . a PLAYBILL with Ivy’s REAL NAME ON IT.
But when he goes to grab for it . . . IT’S GONE!
Apparently, Carol filched it from his pocket while her own mother was dying on the floor next to her. What a sweetheart! No wonder “real” Charlie isn’t around, Carol probably had a craving for meat one day and ATE HER.
“Mmmm . . . what a tasty daughter I had.”
You know, I actually think that, even if Max SHOWED everyone the Playbill Faux-Charlie still could have claimed that this was just an example of her mother, Carol, wanting her to get involved in the arts, but NOT wanting the world to know that they were related. But, I guess that’s neither here, nor there . . .
Anywhoo, McPoorPerson gets kicked out onto the streets. No Sex with Serena in the champagne room for him! He calls Faux-Charlie from the street, promising “REVENGE!” (Well, he’s a chef. So, I guess he could always poison her food or something.)
“Next time you order a Quarter Pounder, you are dead meat, B*TCH! Get it . . . dead meat, because it’s a burg . . . never mind.”
No matter. Faux-Charlie doesn’t seem the least bit fazed by the threat. I actually think a part of her BELIEVES she’s Real Charlie now, as evidenced by her claim to Carol that she [(doesn’t) want the money . . . just the FAMILY]. Well, Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena that’s real easy to say, when you are living in a friggin FOUR MILLION DOLLAR APARTMENT rent-free, not working, and having someone pay for EVERYTHING YOU DO!
Lifestyles of the Rich and the Shameless . . .
And yet, Faux Charlie’s final moment in the episode seems to suggest that she is getting too cocky, and too comfortable in her new identity. By now, girlfriend could have taken the money and ran, at least five times now. And, probably, none of these morons would have been any the wiser. But instead, Faux-Charlie says to her new nemesis, McPoorPerson, “No one can touch me anymore. I’m a Rhodes now,” as she stares out the window, and laughs maniacally, creepy cartoon super villian style.
“MWAH-HAHAHA! I’ll get you McPoorPerson, and you’re little cake too!”
Oh, Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena . . . something tells me that all three of you are about to get SERIOUSLY SCREWED . . . and not in a good way, either.
The Spectator: It’s Not Just Good, It’s NATE!
One of these days, Nate is actually going to have an interesting storyline . . . one that involves the other cast members . . . and actually makes some sense. But alas, this was not that day.
On a positive note, this week-long Lack of Love Interest / Sex Partner has seemed to noticeably increase Little Archibald’s IQ. So, that’s nice for him . . . I guess.
Actually both the actor and the character would probably much prefer getting laid.
“I am not a smart man, but I know what LOVE is . . . or at least how to make it.”
Those of us
like me who were secretly hoping for the adorable hilarity of watching Nate Archibald fall on his face, as the new, completely unqualified, manager of Trashy Tabloid the bastion of TRUTH that is The Spectator while Grandpa Vanderbilt, looked on, a constipated expression on his face, wondering about the sanctity of his gene pool ended up being sorely disappointed this week. As it turns out, Nate just so happens to have a head for business, and a body for raunchy sex with cougars sin, making him positively perfect for the thankless job that his grandpa has unfairly awarded him.
Mini- Matt Lauer
Nate begins his storyline by showing his employees that he is nothing like his slutty predecessor, Diana. No SIR! He will most certainly not be having sex with his barely legal colleagues, behind closed doors, while the rest of the staff toils over need-to-know news tidbits, like what color Chuck Bass’ socks were this morning. (Neon green . . . FYI).
He will ONLY do so, if they are really, really hot, and /or ask nicely.
Also, NO . . . MORE . . . LIES!
All news sources and stories will be verified, ESPECIALLY the one about his formerly Serena-screwing Congressman relative, Tripp, who’s wife may or may not be cheating on him. Grandpa Vanderbilt, The King of Morality that he is, says, “don’t publish it.” After all, the truth is only REALLY important when it puts your family in a positive light, right?
“This would probably be a bad time to tell my grandson about my crossdressing fetish.”
But Nate is a GOOD GUY . . . and more important than that a
HOT GUY GOOD JOURNALIST. So, when the facts check out, he decides to run the story, but not before he brings Old Cuz’ in to the office, to give him the heads up.
Tripp is all huffy, and stick-up-his-butt-y that his wife would DARE return the favor he did for HER a few seasons back and cheat on him. Not to mention, he’s positively APPALLED Nate would have the GALL to run this story. Tripp acts like Nate orchestrated the whole thing is a personal vendetta against the Congressman for boning his girlfriend, the year before. “I guess now we’re even,” Tripp says, before blowing Nate a raspberry, and making doo-doo in his diaper.
“So, Nate, how is my girl, Serena. Still banging guest stars, who look like me?”
And, I don’t know, something about Tripp’s “pouty act” struck me as a bit disingenuous. Am I the only one?
Apparently, Nate didn’t feel that way, because he somehow got the BIG IDEA that Maureen was only PRETENDING to cheat to help Tripp’s campaign, by making him look sympathetic. But, of course, Tripp knows NOTHING about it. Grandpa agrees, and again says, “Don’t publish it.” But this time I sense a little reverse psychology in the works. And why not? He wants his FAMILY MEMBER to win the campaign, just like he wants his OTHER FAMILY member to run this ridiculous paper.
Nate ends up publishing the information as a sort of generalized puffed-up editorial, which is somehow meant to affirm the paper’s tough standards of “honesty and integrity.” I don’ t know . . . it looked like your garden variety blind item to me. It just happened to have Nate’s hot face next to it.
Geez, between Serena become a SUPER BLOGGER, Dan writing a SUPER FANFICTION, and Nate managing a SUPER PAPER, I’m starting to think EVERYBODY on this show is Gossip Girl.
Of course, everybody knows the REAL Gossip Girl is Veronica Mars . . .
Whatever I personally thought of Nate’s so-called explosive news article, Grandpa thought it was just swell. “I always loved you, but now I RESPECT you,” he tells Sexy Pants.
Yes, Nate, we respect you too . . . And by “respect you” I mean, we’d very much like to sleep with you (or, at least see what you look like naked).
Humpty Humphry Plays with his Twitter (among other things)
Oh, Donut Dan! How the not-so-mighty hath fallen! One week, you are on the New York Times Bestseller list.
The next week, you are personally responding to every one-star review your Dair fanfiction gets on Amazon.com, and stalking one of your heckler’s Twitter feeds.
I’m glad Rufus finally picked up on his son’s massive self-absorption and apparent psychosis. After all, he’s already lost one child to the Cult of Cuckoo
and Raccoon Zombies . . .
. . . losing two would be downright depressing.
But as sad and pathetic as all this all is, I guess us Chair fans should be happy that Captain Crazy Hair is stalking HateDanHumphrey and NOT Blair Waldorf
like he did last week.
He tracks the twitter feed down to a suprisingly NOT very UES-looking brownstone. Once there, he stands outside like a drunken homeless person, and rings all the doorbells, until someone answers.
(Yes, Dan, because, us city folk, always, come out of our apartments, unarmed, to meet, in person, the freako who’s been anonymously ringing our buzzer for the past five minutes.)
Dan Humphrey’s version of a booty call . . .
And yet, as luck would have it, HateDanHumphrey ends up actually being
stupid brave enough to show her pretty little face to her assailant. Surprise! The Twitter heckler ends up being none other than ME! Dan’s unnerving publicist, and obvious future love interest, Alessandra.
Oh Alessandra, please tell me that isn’t what you wear, when you are just lounging around the house Tweeting . . . ever hear of sweatpants?
At first, I thought (and was kind of hoping) that Publicist Chick was doing this to get back at Dopey Dan for being a b*tch, and skipping out on his book signings. But, no such luck. As it turns out, she started the feed, in hopes of drumming up more “Favorite Story” ratings, and “Author Alerts” on Dan’s fanfiction. (Those of you who frequent fanfiction.net know what I’m talking about here.)
To Humpty Humphrey’s credit, he actually doesn’t get all pouty about Alessandra’s shifty marketing tactics, as many of us expected him to do. Instead, he wages a Fake Twitter war between HateDanHumphrey, and the ridiculously named HumphreyLove, a Twitter feed that was started by (Who else?) Dan himself.
“Oh DAN!” (bats eyelashes) “You naughty little Tweeter, you!”
I must admit that I kind of liked the part, where Dan told Alessandra that she wasn’t being mean enough to him in her tweets. So, he took over, and started insulting himself. (Self-hatred RULES!)
Of course, the only problem with this that Dan’s hate tweets about himself involved Hemingway, and the Hardy Boys. In other words, they were TOTALLY lame and not funny AT ALL.
“Come on! Suicidal authors, whose ultra depressing books you had to read in high school are HILARIOUS!”
(He probably should have just called us Chair fans over to do the job. We would have REALLY ripped him a new one.)
Nonetheless, Katy Perry (clearly a Hardy Boys fan . . . or Hemingway?) somehow ends up retweeting the feud. I guess we are supposed to assume that this will spark more book sales for Donut Dan . . . at least among California Girls, Teenage Dreamers, Fireworks, and people who can’t remember Last Friday Night . . .
Target demographic for Dan’s book . . .
And now, finally, we have come to our main event . . .
Chair-ing is CARING!
Blair is sad
because she SO OBVIOUSLY LOVES CHUCK, AND YET IS STUCK MARRYING A ROBOT AND POSSIBLY CARRYING HIS EVIL SPAWN. Wouldn’t you be sad too?. She is wearing a sad orange dress. She also has a sad ponytail in her hair. Louis-bot is off getting his batteries recharged, and she needs to find out why he’s always been become such a dipsh*t, before she can marry him. That’s a tall order for a petite Queen B.
“All I want for Christmas is Chair . . .”
Dorota suggests, only half in jest, that perhaps Chuck and Louis-bot switched bodies
PERISH THE THOUGHT! a la Freaky Friday, or that not particularly good movie starring Ryan Reynolds as The Womanizing Single Guy Who Secretly Just Needs LOVE!
This, however, gives Blair, a bizarre (but perfectly lovely, if you are a Chair fan, like I am) idea to spend the entire episode with Chuck . . .
. . . to get inside his
pants head to figure out how he “turned good,” so that she can do the same thing to Louis-bot.
Blair barges in on Chuck, as she is wont to do, while he is doing yoga, with some old guy, while still wearing a suit.
Monogrammed yoga mats!
Queen B is shocked
and secretly relieved to find that he is not with a lady. She wonders how he went from “Charlie Sheen to Charlie Brown” from “Bar to Bar Mitzvah.” (Oh, she said “bar mitzvah.” You know what that means? She’s totally thinking about the bar mitzvah sex . . .)
To figure out this Grand Chairtastic Mystery, Blair wants to go to therapy with Chuck, which, in my world, is known as “couples counseling.”
During therapy, Chuck’s NEW, non-purchased by Louis-bot – shrink, is TOTALLY Team Chair.
“As part of your therapy, you two should act out that scene in the limo from Season 1. Now THAT was EPIC!”
He immediately calls out Blair for wanting her boring turd of a fiance to be more like Chuck,
whose neon green frog socks would look absolutely ridiculous on anybody else, but look oddly hot on him, because he’s Chuck Bass. (Sorry, NOT GONNA HAPPEN, B!)
Blair doesn’t believe that Chuck has actually let her go. How could he have possibly, when, right this second, sitting on the shrink couch, they are both looking at one another with such fiery intensity, and sheer passion . . . so much so that I half expected them to start boning right in front of the shrink.
But nope. This is a SERIOUS Chair episode. And Chuck puts on his Serious Face when, to prove to Blair, once in for all, that he has, in fact, let her go, he tells her about dropping her Harry Winston engagement ring by the doorstep of the store, an act of
stupidity closure, if ever there was one.
He tells her to call Harry Winston and check. And I kind of hope she does, because, I’m quite certain they will tell her they never got the ring back, because CLEARLY SOMEBODY STOLE IT.
I know, because that someone was me.
But this is not a time for jokes, because Blair is devastated by Chuck’s admission. It brings back so many memories for her of what Chuck almost had, and could potentially have again. And, of course, she doesn’t really WANT the person she loves to let her go, does she?
Unable to bear seeing Blair so unhappy, Chuck rushes to her home, where he finds his lady love tasting cakes for her lame wedding.
(How is Louis-bot not there to taste his own cakes? Isn’t the food, the only thing about the wedding, the grooms actually care about.) He tells her how his shrink, thinks Blair was upset that Chuck returned the ring. (Well, thank you, Doctor / Captain Obvious!) “You asked me to let you go, so I did. I wanted to give you the happy life that you deserve.”
Then Blair says something that makes Chuck (and me) cry. (Well . . . I cry . . . he tears up, in an adorably masculine fashion.) She blames herself for bringing the badness out in her lovers. This sents Chuck chasing after her again . . . this time, all the way to her bedroom. (Ahhh . . . now we are getting somewhere! ;))
I know a lot of you thought it was SUPER CHEESY of Chuck to tell Blair that “she was the lightest thing that came into his life.” And “[Her] love kept him alive.” But desperate times call for desperate measures. And I think Blair needed to hear it that way, cheesiness and all. After all, isn’t Blair’s obsession with fairytale endings what got us into this whole Louis-bot mess in the first place. What better way to get Blair to stop blaming herself for the misdeeds of the men in her life, than to speak like Prince Charming would?
Aside from being grandiose and dramatic (as Blair so often is), Chuck was also brutally honest. He finally allowed Blair (and fans) some insight into the complete 180 his character has done, over the course of these last few episodes. Chuck did some crazy things last season, out of fear of losing Blair’s love. But after he actually lost her, a sense of calm seemed to overtake him, since he already knew that he would never experience a greater loss in his life.
“I just want you to be happy Blair. I’m just sorry that it couldn’t be with me.”
This sweet, but very morose, scene lightens a bit, when the Queen of Cakes comes to help Blair with her selection, and accidentially/ on purpose (?) confuses Chuck for the groom. (See? SHE’S Team Chair too!) Then, we get sad all over again, when Chuck mutters that he isn’t, in fact, the groom, though we all know, full well, he desperately wants to be.
Of course, Chuck might not be the only one wishing Blair’s groom was another man. Blair too ends the episode lying on her bed, incredibly despondent, with no interest whatsoever in calling her cyborg, even though she now knows that she can make him “good” again, merely by
lying to his face convincing him she’ll never leave him.
Ahhhh, much better.
As usual, Westwick and Meester bring just the right amount of pathos, mutual adoration, and longing, to a scene that, in the hands of lesser actors, would not have been nearly as emotional and beautiful as it ended up being. You can watch the scene, in it’s entirety here:
The episode concludes with Nate and Chuck bonding over liquor and notions of truth. Nate wonders if Chuck was fully honest with Blair. He thinks that he was, but regrets not being honest with himself sooner. “I’ve finally become the man that she wanted, and she’s already chosen another one. I’m too late,” he says thoughtfully.
NO! YOU’RE NOT TOO LATE. YOU’LL BE MAKING OUT IN A LIMO WITH BLAIR AGAIN BY NEXT WEEK. DON’T YOU WORRY, CHUCKSTER!
“CHUG, CHUG, CHUG!”
And yet, ever the “journalist,” Nate hones in on the question Chuck didn’t answer for Blair that night, which, of course, was the only one she really wanted answered. “Do you still love her?” He asks.
Chuck takes a slow ponderous sip of his liquor and stares sadly off into the distance. “I can’t imagine the day that I don’t,” he says truthfully.
If you thought that was intense, wait until you check out the Canadian promo for next Monday’s midseason finale, “Riding in Town Cars with Boys.” (Yes, I’ve decided to put Canada first this time. Does that make me unpatriotic?)
What’s that I see? Limo Sex Possibly Revisited, not to mention some VERY choice words from both C and B. Can I get a HELL YEAH? (I don’t know. It does seem a bit too good to be true, though . . . . And don’t even get me started on that whole Princess Diana -esque car crash type thing. Let’s just hope this isn’t just another one of those dreaded extended Dream Sequences.)
Here’s the American Promo. See what YOU think?
Yeah, as per usual, those American promo makers didn’t give us much extra, aside from some random crash footage, and a whole lotta Tearful Hugging . . . BOO, HISS to that.
Anywhoo, we’ve got plenty to discuss between now and next Monday. So, feel free to leave your speculations, rants, and fangirly goodness, in my Comment Section below. Until then, XOXO!