“Now, what date would be so important to Caleb that it would merit an explanation point . . . I wonder . . .”
Greetings, my Pretties! This week on PLL, a
lame secret was revealed, computers were remotely hacked, a deal was struck, a crisis was averted, and a single doobie, once again, possessed the power to ruin an entire relationship. (Don’t do drugs, kiddies!) So, fire up your laptops, and smoke ’em if you’ve got ’em, because it’s time to “CTRL A” . . .
Swimming with Sharks
Thanks to shopaholic blackmailer / hacker Mona, Emily Fields is back in the pool. This, of course, is great news for Emily and her swim team, but, perhaps, not such great news for her lady love, Maya, who’s starting to feel a wee bit left out of the fun.
“This is super uncomfortable. I could really go for a joint, right about now . . .”
Elsewhere, Techno Boy Toy Caleb finds himself in some hot water, when the police impound his laptop, on suspicion of it containing stolen school files on it.
You know, like the ones Mona accessed from the principal’s office, last week. Golly gee, this wouldn’t have anything to do with the time Caleb fell asleep at school, and, like a moron, left his laptop out in the open, and ripe for the taking, now would it? A smug and unfazed Caleb calmly proclaims his innocence, confident that no hack Police Boy is going to be able to crack the enigma that is his computer.
Girlfriend, Hanna, however, is FRACKING FREAKING OUT. She’s been through this with “A” and the Rosewood PD many times before. And she knows that, as good as Caleb might be with computer hacking, “A” might just be a teeny tiny bit better . . .
Caleb tries to calm Hanna down, while simultaneously turning her on, by using sexy computer lingo like HOTSPOT, INTERFACING, and FIREWALL.
And though titilated by her boyfriend’s Dirty Nerd Talk, Hanna wishes to get down to business . . . and not in a fun way either. Instantly suspecting that “A” has compromised Caleb’s harddrive by hiding incriminating material on it without Caleb’s knowledge, Hanna suggests he remotely hack the laptop, and erase the files in question, before the Useless Rosewood PD can find them.
Caleb agrees, and some intimate discussions regarding Caleb’s computer passwords and logins ensue. Unfortunately, however, Caleb can’t successfully hack his computer, while the police are keeping it offline. Inconvenienced, but not defeated, Caleb decides to explore Hanna’s hotspots, instead . . .
The first rule of Fight Club, is don’t have a heart attack while in Fight Club . . .
Some secrets are better kept as secrets, because the mystery is sexier than the reality. Beard Boy Holden’s secret is definitely one of those secrets. Like Lucas and his “big bad bookie problem,” before him, Holden joins the ranks of characters on PLL who’s plotlines ended up being MAJOR letdowns. That’s right, my Pretties. After all our jokes about Holden having bruises on his stomach, because he’s in Fight club, that’s exactly what he ended up being in. Except, rather than being in an edgy, get-your-teeth-knocked-out-by-Ed-Norton-who-thinks-he’s-Brad-Pitt kind of Fight Club, Holden’s fight club looks a lot like your six-year old nephew’s karate class . . .
“Can we celebrate my victory with a McDonalds Happy Meal?”
Relieved that her fake boyfriend isn’t the Drug Lord she suspected he was, Aria agrees to keep her fake date with him in Philly that night. This way, Holden can attend his
snoozeville super important fighting tournament, and Aria can eat French Vegan food with Fitzy, while the two discuss “their future.”
Will everyone’s favorite English Teacher take Byron’s bait, thereby allowing himself to be shipped away to the land of Mardi Gras, and ladies who take their shirts off for plastic 50-cent necklaces?
Only time will tell . . .
Prior to her fake date, Aria’s mom not-so-subtly suggests that Aria should stop dating Beard Boy in Philly, and start boning her family friend closer to home. This way, if the rough sex results in him collapsing from his heart condition, he can be cared for by Dr. Wren a.k.a. the-Only-Doctor-in-Rosewood, as opposed to those not-model-looking doctors in the City of Brotherly Love.
“What? Holden has a heart condition?” Aria asks incredulously.
“Why yes, dear daughter. I figured you would already know that, considering how you are out porking him for hours at a time, three or four times a week,” replies Aria’s mom, more or less.
“Oh yeah, you’re right. I totally knew about Holden’s lethal disease! I was just kidding, Mom. Haha! Boy, I sure, got you!” Aria says.
Meanwhile, Byron has just received a note on his car from “A,” offering him the location of Aria’s REAL date with Fitzy.
Am I the only one starting to get a strong sense of deja-vu, here? Silly “A.” For whatever reason, she never seems quite as creative when she’s messing with Aria, than when she’s messing with the other PLL girls. I wonder why that is . . .
Instead of heading off to meet Fitzy, Aria follows Beard Boy to Fight Club. “So, Holden, what’s this I hear about you joining Fight Club, when you have an exploding timebomb in your chest?” Aria inquires.
“This isn’t just because we all thought you were gay, is it?”
Holden makes a nice speech about living life to its fullest, and about how people don’t always know what’s best for you. This, of course, makes Aria think of her relationship to Fitzy . . . as most things do. But, ultimately, she decides to ditch out on Fitzy, so that she can watch Holden in Fight Club . . . you know, just to make sure he doesn’t . . . like . . . die in stuff (which would TOTALLY ruin this nice Fake Date thing they have going on).
Aria cancels on Fitzy by text, without explanation, which, of course, is super inconsiderate.
But when Fitzy arrives at the site of their date and sees Papa Byron seated at one of the tables, he’s suddenly a lot less pissed, and a lot more relieved not to have walked into that lions den.
After Holden wins at Fight Club, Aria heads to congratulate him. And suddenly Holden is looking a wee bit smitten with our littlest PLL girl. (Ruh-roh, Fitzy! I suggest you start practicing your moves, because there might just be a little Fight Club for Aria’s heart headed in your direction . . .)
Papa Byron phones Aria, and tries to slip her up, by asking to speak to Beard Boy. So, of course, Aria calls his bluff by promptly putting him on the phone, something she would never have been able to do, had she decided to leave Holden to die in Fight Club. Well played, Miss Montgomery!
What am I going to doobie?
There is trouble lurking in paradise between Emily and Maya. First we see Maya randomly hanging out with Facelift Vampire Jason, bringing the total number of major “A” suspects and NAT club members with whom the supposedly “loner” Maya associates to two. To make matters worse, the big green monster of jealousy is clearly eating at Maya, during Emily’s swim team party, where her swim phenom girlfriend is the center of attention, while Maya is left alone holding the doobie.
“I have a confession to make. I ate all your blue swim team cookies. I couldn’t help it. I have a serious case of the munchies.”
That’s right, my Pretties, Maya confesses to Emily that her parents might have found an old “toke-n” of Maya’s affection in her bedroom. Wow, these dirty hippies must REALLY not like pot, because they threaten to send her back to druggie camp AGAIN!
As it turns out, Maya was a bit coy with Emily about how exactly old that doobie was. Emily assumed she meant “months,” but Maya actually meant “minutes.” 😉 Emily’s super pissed at Maya for not being honest with her. And Maya is pissed at Emily for being more popular than she is, and for not wanting to run away to San Francisco with her, where the pair can smoke all the ganja they want.
I don’t know, my Pretties. Something about Maya’s story stinks a bit to me, and it’s not just the pot I’m smelling . . . I’d feel better about it being true, if we actually got to meet Maya’s supposedly crazy parents. Your move, writers.
Oh bastard half-brother, where art thou?
Early on in the episode, the PLL girls get to meet Vivian Darkbloom’s “friend” Jonah, a cell phone geek, who she offered $2,000 to hack into phone records and find out who was sending threatening texts to her “friend” Alison.
The only average looking male in Rosewood . . .
(Of course, if “A” was using prepaid phones paid for with cash . . . as evidence suggests that she is . . . that really wouldn’t help much, now would it, Jonah.) Jonah’s uber pissed at Vivian, because doing this little task for the Rosewood Lolita cost him his job. And then, to make matters worse, she never paid up . . . you know . . . because of the whole “dying” thing.
The rest of the girls want to pay Jonah, and immediately turn to moneybags Spencer for the dough. The problem, of course, is that Spencer hasn’t exactly been on speaking terms with her parents, as a result of the whole “Facelift Vampire Jason is my half-brother” thing. In fact, she’s spent the entire week hiding out at Aria’s house . . .
Spencer has been on speaking terms with Facelift Vampire Jason, though. These two really do have an interesting dynamic with one another. And by “interesting” I mean “slightly incestuous.” Facelift Vampire Jason notes that Ali had $15,000 along with love letters between Spencer’s dad and Ali’s and Jason’s mom, in a box she kept under the floorboards. This was how Jason found out about his paternity. It’s also what led him to believe that Ali might have been blackmailing Spencer’s dad, in exchange for keeping quiet about what she knew.
“So, if you and I hooked up, what do you think would be the likelihood that our children were born with a tail, or three arms?”
Hoping to snag the $2,000 she needs to pay off Jonah for the answer to the question of “Who was calling Alison, and, by extension, probably calling the girls as well,” Spencer heads back home for the first time, in a week. Briefly mesmerized by her dad’s open checkbook in his briefcase, Spencer contemplates a little Grand Theft Checky. But she quickly abandons the idea, when her father nearly walks in on her stealing it.
Spencer finally confronts her father about what she knows. And he, more or less comes clean about everything that happened. He swears, however, that he was never blackmailed by Alison. And Spencer believes him.
“You are SO grounded, Mister!”
The question is, who was blackmailed by Alison? Was it Spencer’s mother, hoping to save the family? Was it the members of the NAT club (sans Jason), because of the tapes she had on all of them? Or was it someone else entirely?
Facelift Vampire Jason still wants to believe it’s Papa Hastings, because that would make it easier to hate him. But toward the end of the episode, Spencer finally opens his eyes to new possibilities . . . and hits him up for that $2,000, of course.
On computer hacking, and sex in tents . . .
Caleb isn’t the only one in hot water with the police. Deputy Douchey finds more ammunition for torturing the PLL girls when a page of Ali’s autopsy winds up missing from EVERYWHERE, and the hospital security cameras turn up a picture of Hanna, Spencer, and Emily clad in candy striper outfits outside the morgue on the day of the theft.
Wait a second . . . shouldn’t it have been Hanna, Spencer and Aria? Wasn’t Emily in the hospital as a patient at the time?
This is either an inconsistency on the writers part, or a fairly big hint that “A” is someone with not nearly as big of a grudge against Aria, as against the other three girls. Could “A” have doctored this photograph? Or am I just overthinking things? What are your thoughts, my Pretties?
Anywhoo, following Hanna’s own encounter with Deputy Douchey (I guess he only called Hanna in, because he thought he might have another chance to screw her om), Caleb telephones her to let her know that he’s in a “Hot Spot” and needs her help. There go those sexy computer terms again!
Apparently, Deputy Douchey and Police Boy have wised up, and are forcing Caleb to cooperate, by making him enter his own password into the computer for them. The bad news about that, is now the cops will have access to whatever incriminating files “A” put on his hard drive (not to mention that “A” related files that are actually there). The good news, however, is that now Caleb’s online a.k.a, in a hotspot.
Hanna calls “Smart Friend” Spencer over to help with the computer hacking festivities. Spencer manages to get remote access to Caleb’s computer. But it’s up to Hanna to input the password. Hanna is explains to Spencer Caleb’s rationale for the letters he uses in his password. Spencer is impressed, and more than a little bit turned on. “That’s almost as complex as my computer password.” ALMOST . . . ha . . . gotta love Spencer!
Hanna runs into a problem, however, when she can’t figure out the last four numbers of Caleb’s code, followed by the exclamation point. And she only has three tries to get it right, or be locked out of Caleb’s computer FOREVER! Spencer ultimately suggests that the numbers probably represent a date that was particularly important to Caleb . . . a date that merits an exclamation point.
Suddenly, Hanna knows exactly what those last four digits are. And they are in!
Hanna immediately finds the incriminating files located in a folder input on Caleb’s harddrive entitled “Hefty,” for “Hefty Hanna.”
“B*tch!” Hanna exclaims, over how “A” has managed to insult her, even in her hacking of Caleb’s computer.
Over at the police station, we see that Deputy Douchey has located the “Hefty” file too. (Remember, he KNEW Hanna, back in the day. ;)) Now, it’s a race to see who can get to them first. Hilarity ensues, when Hanna tries to delete each individual file, and finds that the process is taking too long. “CTRL A” Spencer exclaims.
“That’s what I’m trying to do . . . CONTROL A,” Hanna exclaims frustratedly.
But of course, Spencer’s talking about the keys, not the person . . .
In a moment of televised brilliance, Hanna manages to erase the files moments before Deputy Douchey can open any. They disappear before his beady little eyes, and he’s completely flabbergasted.
By the time Caleb leaves the station with his laptop, a happy Hanna is there to shower him with celebratory PDA. Hanna has earned major points for saving Caleb’s ass. And Caleb has earned major points for immortalizing the day he took Hanna’s virginity in his computer password. Something tells me there’s going to be some major nookie going on in the Marin household tonight . . .
In the final scene of the episode, we see Emily calling Maya to apologize for their fight, while SOMEONE watches Emily from her window. Creepy!
Next week on PLL, Spencer SEDUCES WRENNNNNNN!
Oh, and I guess some other stuff happens too . . .
See you then, my Pretties!