Greetings, Fangbangers! It was Original versus Salvatores versus Witches, this week on TVD. And though the various sides were fighting with one another for any number of reasons: love, honor, retribution, redemption, natural balance
intestinal regularity, freedom, etc. . . . at the heart of it all, was one girl. She was the trophy . . . the badge of honor . . . the prize at the bottom of the cereal box. And that girl, of course, was . . . Elena Gilbert. Isn’ it always?
So make yourself a salt pentagram, douse yourself in gasoline, and throw some horse pictures in the fire, because it’s time for another
installment of The Save Elena Games
Figuratively (and literally) Fondling Damon Salvatore . . .
The episode begins with a sexually frustrated Elena waking up alone in bed, her arms drawn tightly around a certain teddy bear. Hmmm . . . that teddy bear looks very familiar. Where have I seen it before?
Ahhh . . . it’s all starting to come together now. 😉 Having not had anyone declare their love for her in the past six hours, Elena is feeling mighty lonely. And so she calls her men for a little love and affection.
“Worship at my altar, vampire b*tches!’
Stefan is too busy writing in his diary to pick up his phone. And while Damon does pickup Elena’s tenth call of the night (Oh sweetie! We all know you love him, but you should really try playing a little harder to get. ;)), he only does it, so that he can tell her he’s “over it,” and hang up on her ass.
“No more phone sex for you, Buster! (At least not until the next time I get drunk.)”
Now . . . this wouldn’t have anything to do with that little “your love for me is a liability” comment Elena made last night, does it Damon?
Nahh . . . I didn’t think so . . .
Tired of not being totally and completely doted on by her Salvatore boy toys, Elena stomps over to La Casa de Rich and Awesome, only to be greeted by a mostly naked Damon Salvatore (yay) . . . and guest (boo).
“Oh hey, Elena! You’ve met my good friend, Jealousy, right?”
Count on Elena to give Damon a self-righteous lecture for his extra-curricular activities. She even goes as far as to ask whether her lover has been compelled to sleep around. Far from being angry, Damon looks rather pleased with himself. And why shouldn’t he be? After all, Elena is clearly falling right into his little love trap. Come to think of it, he should have done this a long time ago . . .
But this little morning meeting is about more than sexual politics, Elena wants to fill Damon in on Mommy Witch’s plan to murder the entire Original Brood. Elena thinks this is a problem, mainly because of the awesomeness that is Original Elijah.
She also conjectures that Damon, having had a taste of the forbidden fruit that is Rebekah, might actually give a flying fig whether she lives or dies. As it turns out? Not so much . .
“There’s more where she came from!”
You know who else has tasted Rebekah, but doesn’t seem to care about her continued existence on Planet Elena? Stefan.
(Poor girl . . . she’s had thousands of years on Earth to practice. And still, her sex skills are apparently not up to snuff.)
At least you’ll always have eachother . . . *clears throat*
The younger Salvatore Brother appears, seemingly out of nowhere, to join Damon’s chorus of “Just let the Originals die, already.”
Outnumbered and outwitted, a pouty Elena stomps off, now even more sexually frustrated than ever . . .
As for Damon, he’s ready to offer his brother a bromantic high five for a job very well done. “I like you on my team,” he say congenially.
But Stefan’s never been much of a “Team Player.” It simply isn’t in his broody, loner, eternally angsty nature. So, instead of high fiving, Baby Salvatore just stares longingly at Damon’s blood cup, like he want to make out with it, and snidely echos Klaus’ sentiments that Elena would be much better off without both of them.
(Truth be told, I think Elena’s Teddy Bear would strongly disagree with this statement. Thanks to the state in which our Salvatore Brothers left Elena the night before, it is now pregnant.)
Aside from wishing to live out the rest of his life as a celibate bunny muncher, Stefan is also concerned that Elena’s conscience will get the best of her, and cause her to eff up Mama Original’s kiddie killing plan.
What? Elena? Ruin plans? NEVER!
Our brother the martyr . . . Our sister the strumpet . . .
Meanwhile, Rebekah and her sex hair have returned to the still-frighteningly unfurnished Originals house. So, of course, every sibling wishes for a chance to get a dig in at her expense. Kol, gets the first shot in, by very eloquently calling his sister a strumpet. To this Rebekah responds that she wishes to systematically remove his teeth from his mouth . . . which, in Original Vampire world, is likely a form of foreplay.
Jealous that Rebekah is getting sex
with someone other than him and he isn’t, Kol commandeers Klaus to go with him to the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, in hopes that he can remedy his little problem . . .
Klaus agrees, because . . . hey . . .why continue to draw pictures of Caroline with a horse, when, instead, you can ride her, like a philly? But, of course, Kol isn’t quite done with Rebekah yet. He still has THIS to say . . .
I’ve gotta say, I’m loving this guy’s sense of humor. TVD writers, please somehow insert a scene into the show in which vampire comedians Kol and Damon face off against one another with a delicious round of “Yo Mama” jokes . . . 😉
With Kol and Klaus out of the house, Elijah confides in Rebekah that their mother has been acting weirder than usual . . . Some of the weird things she’s been doing include conducting privacy spells in the house, and looking at her children, as if she wishes to chop off their heads and wear them as hats. Rebekah sees nothing at all strange about this. Then again, she’s probably still too busy nursing her war-torn vajayjay to worry about much of anything.
Besides Rebekah wasn’t the one who had to suffer Elena lying to her face. (At least, when Elena screwed over Rebekah, she did it in her back.) So, Elijah decides to pay his pretty little liars a visit . . .
Tales of a Vampire Gigolo
Elena has invited Bonnie and Caroline over to listen to her b*tch about Damon having sex with other women. You know, because his love for her is such a liability, and all . . . Well played, Damon. When it comes to turning on the object of your affection, screwing Rebekah seems to have been your most effective manuever since Miss Mystic Falls. You can almost hear her panties falling, throughout the episode . . .
Bonnie tries to conduct Mama Original’s privacy spell. But clearly, she isn’t working hard enough at it because (1) it isn’t working; and (2) her nose isn’t bleeding.
Then, Elena finally manages to stop drooling over Damon long enough to hear about Bonnie’s and her mom’s little pact with the Original Witch to kill all her kids that very night. Ruh-roh! Talk about burying the lead!
Both Bonnie and Caroline don’t seem to think it’s Elena’s fault that Elijah will be included in this bloodbath.
I disagree. And then, like magic, the gentleman vampire himself appears at Elena’s front door . . .
“Are you there, Elena? It’s me, Elijah!”
Ever the romantic, Elijah decides to take Elena for a little trip down memory lane. (Silly Elijah, doesn’t he realize the way to get into Elena’s pants is by sleeping with his sister?) As they travel through forests, trees, and various grassy knolls, Elijah is able to recount, from memory, all the things that used to exist in that very spot, once upon a time. They stop at an opening to a cavern, which apparently has an intricate network of tunnels that run directly below Mystic Falls . . . in other words, the Perfect Makeout Spot.
This is where Elijah chooses to drop the bomb on Elena that he knew she was lying about Mama Original’s motives all along, due to her telltale rapid heartbeat. But, of course, Elijah being Elijah even manages to make this accusation sound like a compliment, by peppering it with phrases like, “I admire you.” and ‘You have compassion.” and “It is not in your nature to be deceitful.”
“That’s not going to work!”
It works like a charm!
The next thing you know, Elena is a blubbering, quivering mass of puddy in Elijah’s hands. She confesses everything. “I just wish there was something I could do,” Elena whines.
“Be careful what you wish for,” replies Elijah, before literally stamping out the ground beneath him, hugging Elena toward him, and traveling through the floor with her Reverse Superman Style.
One word: HOT!
The battle lines are drawn
While Elena tries in vain to get cell phone receptions, Damon calls Alchy-ric, who likely hasn’t left his seat at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, since last week, when he got out of the hospital, after that whole “death” thing. He’s with Crazy Nanny Carrie, who never seems to mind that the only thing these two ever do on dates is get wasted. (Clearly, she’s just as big of an alcoholic as he is . . . perhaps, intoxication helps dull the crazy.)
The Bromantic Buddies exchange some much-deserved barbs with one another. Alaric gives Damon a “hard” time about his Originals Sex, which, of course Elena told him about, because she tells Daddy everything. 😉
Damon, in turn, notes that Alaric is still screwing a psychopath serial killer. (Given what happens at the end of the episode, Damon probably should have been a bit more concerned about that.) Of course, the Elder Salvatore Brother has bigger fish to fry, at this point. His lady love is missing. And Damon rightly suspects that foul play was involved.
Meanwhile, Bonnie and Abby have kept their date to meet with Mama Original, who’s just filled with syrupy compliments for the two witches who both almost maimed members of her family. She also shares a bunch of hippy dippy philosophies about “restoring the balance of nature,” by using the direct descendants of Esther’s former bestie, Ayanna. Through it all, Mommy’s golden child Finn continues to stare at the witches, as if they are lunch. It’s all highly unpleasant. But after last week, the Bennetts are so happy to have an actual plotline in this episode, that they keep their mouths shut.
“Just nod and smile, baby. Just nod and smile.”
Underground, Elena runs into Rebekah, who’s still rocking a major grudge, as a result of the whole “backstabbing” thing. What’s nice about Rebekah is that she seems to be the only individual on the show, who’s completely immune to Elena’s charms. After chasing her around the cavern, roughing her up a bit, and forcing her to make a humiliating “ransom video” on her cell phone (But how did she get reception?), Rebekah kindly explains to her captive, Elijah’s diabolical plan for her. The plan? Rebekah gets to murder Elena, if the Salvatores don’t find a way to stop the Originals from dying.
Over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elijah explains the same thing to Stefan and Damon, who seem reluctantly amenable to Elijah’s requests. Anything for Elena! (Man, how many times has THIS happpened! For folks who claim to want Klaus dead, the Salvatore brothers sure seem to like saving his life, a lot!)
Back in the tunnel, just to prove that she means business, Rebekah actually douses Elena with gasoline, when the latter holes herself up in a vampire-free section of the cavern. Hurry up, Salvatores! Or else, Baked Elena might end up on the dessert menu at the next Originals Family Ball!
Speaking of balls . . .
The Original Hybrid Pickup Artist
The plan of the day is to play “divide and conquer” with the Originals, so a non-vampire can dagger one. Each participating Scooby Gang member gets a mark. Caroline, of course, gets Klaus. But Kol clearly likes her too , and chooses to show it with construction worker-type cat calls. Though, I guess the words “She looks tasty,” have different connotations depending on whether a construction worker, or an original vampire are uttering them.
Either way, Klaus isn’t cool with Kol leering at his Vampire Barbie. “Say another word, and I’ll take your liver,” Klaus threatens.
First his teeth, now his liver. I’m starting to think Kol is that guy laying on the operating table in the game “Operation.” Everybody just takes what they want from him. (Personally, I’d go for the eyes and the lips.)
This is Kol . . .
When Caroline gives chase, Klaus runs after her gamely. *insert whipping sound*
“Get to know me, I dare you,” says Klaus, as the two get comfy on a park bench.
But just because Caroline needs to keep Kol from Klaus, doesn’t mean she’s going to go easy on her mark. In fact, when asked about her “hopes and dreams” (oh, Klaus, you really have been a bit out of practice, haven’t you?), she says this:
Back in the bar, Kol is busy trying to make it on top of the pool table with Crazy Nanny Carrie. (Kol, here’s a hint for you . . . some meals are just not worth tasting.) So, busy, in fact that he barely sees Alaric come at him with the white oak dagger in the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.
It’s like a game of Clue! All around Mystic Falls, Originals begin to drop undead . . . except for Klaus . . . who just gets a stomach ache. But I guess that kind of makes sense, since he’s the only Original who, as a result of his hybrid status, is immune to the white oak dagger. Klaus’ Spidey Sibling Sense immediately tells him that Kol is hurt. So, he abandons that Jezebel Siren Caroline, and rushes to intercept and de-dagger Kol, who’s currently being dragged away by Alaric and the Salvatores . . . though, honestly, I’m not sure they were all needed for this part of the plan.
A scuffle ensues, and Kol is destaked in the process, thereby reanimating the rest of the Originals. Alaric doesn’t fair quite as well, suffering a cracked rib, and major blow to the head. He probably would have gotten much worse. But Elijah has appeared to put an end to the fighting, and get everyone focused on the plan at hand. i.e. “Stop Mommy Dearest, from eliminating us permanently, or Rebekah will
have a lesbianic underground interlude with painfully disembowl Elena.
The Salvatore Brothers know exactly what they have to do . . .
Heads I win, Tails Bonnie loses . . .
Over in witchland, Mommy Original has fashioned a pretty little flaming pentagram out of salt. The idea is for Finn to die in the middle of it, while all the witches chant, and permanently erase the rest of the Originals. (Honestly, I think it might all be for theatrics, especially considering how seemingly easy it was to “stake” all the Originals by staking Kol.) Anywhoo, after a brief hiccup caused by Finn “acting” momentarily staked, the Dead Originals show is once again on . . .
Outside the festivities, Stefan and Damon are discussing how much they both love Elena, and are fighting over which one of them will “stop the spell” by “breaking the Original Witches’ connection to the Bennett line, by “breaking one of the Bennetts.” Neither one wants to do it.
But only because it would piss off Elena, and possibly, temporarily make her love the killer less, not because they give two flying figs about the Bennetts. They actually do a coin toss to decide which brother will end up in the doghouse. We don’t get to see who wins . . . yet.
Elijah and Klaus arrive at the Salt Pentagram, so that Original Mother can tell them in person what abominations she thinks they really are . . . even Elijah, who’s a better vampire than most people are humans. But really, the Originals should be expecting this. After all, on this show, if you do have a parent, that’s a good indicator that he or she is probably going to try and kill you at least once. The best way to survive Mystic Falls is to be an orphan . . .like Elena . . . and the Salvatores. Which reminds me, have we met Alaric’s parents yet?
Inside the witch house, Stefan accosts a now-tearful Bonnie, coldly explaining to her what’s going to happen . . . and all for the love of Elena. But then, in a surprise move, Damon pops up, and vampirizes Abby, thereby breaking the Original Mother’s connection to the family line because . . . wait for it . . . witches can’t be vampires.
In a moment of unintentional hilarity, Original Mother instantly feels the witchy connection severing. “Don’t abandon me, sisters,” she yells.
Oh, silly Original Mother? Have you not by now realized that these witches are some fickle b*tches? I mean look at their track record: they supported Abby . . . they abandoned Abby . . . they supported Bonnie . . . they abandoned Bonnie . . . they tortured Damon . . . they stopped torturing Damon . . .they tortured Klaus . . . they stopped torturing Klaus . . . they hid the coffins . . . they made the coffins appear.
Anywhoo, both Finn and Original Mommy evaporate into thin air. But we know we’re not lucky enough for them to be actually dead, right?
The Aftermath . . .
Rebekah eventually lets hostage Elena free, but not before the two have a little heart-to-heart about how Rebekah is REALLY mad at her, because . . . wait for it . . . she hurt her feelings, by not really wanting to be her friend. (Because telling someone why they are mad at you isn’t patronizing at all!) Rebekah agrees though, (She is Klaus’ sister, in every sense of the term . . . and these two really do seem to have a soft spot for the ladies, and an almost desperate need for companionship. She also reminds Elena that Revenge is
a decent show on ABC a dish best served cold. So, Elena can expect to get hers in small doses. How sweet!
Speaking of cold . . . shoulders, Elena goes to see Bonnie, and is sent away by Caroline, who rightly tells Elena, that it’s kind of her fault that Bonnie’s mom is a vampire. (Grams would have hated that!) And that Bonnie’s getting a little tired of playing the “Save Elena Games,” and ending up crying as a result. (However you might feel about Bonnie, Abby and forced vampirism, you have to admit, girlfriend has a point.)
Raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimized, in order for someone to save Elena Gilbert . . .
Elena leaves sobbing, and, on the other side of the door, Bonnie is sobbing too. Something tells me Damon going to be getting a lot of cell phone calls tonight. 😉
“What are you wearing?”
Meanwhile, back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Damon and Stefan have a heart-to-heart about Stefan returning to the bunny diet after that heinous Bridge Incident, and Damon taking the fall on the whole “kill Bennett” thing, despite having won the coin toss. There goes Damon again, doing the martyr thing, and all for his little brother’s love of Elena. On one hand, it’s frustrating . . . and a little annoying. On the other hand, Damon did say this “I’m better at being the bad guy.”
Now, with this, I agree. Once again, I’m brought back to Damon’s and Stefan’s conversation in “The Last Dance,” when, again Bonnie’s “life” and Elena’s psychological well being were sacrificed to save Elena from an Original. Back then, Damon told Stefan that he would be the one who kept her alive. And he was willing to play that role in her life, even if she ended up hating him in the process.
Somewhere along the line, Damon lost a bit of that edge. He just started to love Elena way too much for her to hate him in return. But I actually think it’s this so-called “bad Damon,” who Elena fell in love with, in the first place. And something tells me that, while Damon’s unquestioning support of Elena scared her away to some extent, his loving and protecting her from afar, while pretending not to care, will drive her right back into his eternally waiting arms . . .
At least, I hope so . . .
In other news, Elijah left town, leaving a Dear John-esque parting letter for Elena in his wake. Turns out, he wasn’t just blowing smoke up her ass, so that he can kidnap her. Elijah really does admire and envy Elena’s compassion. How adorable! Now, get the f*&k back to Mystic Falls, so that you can hit on, and sacrifice your life for Elena, just like everyone else . . .
Also, Klaus burned some pictures of Caroline and that horse. There were a SCARY amount of pictures, actually. So, is this the end of Klaroline? I’m thinking not . . . once again, giving a lady her space is the absolute best way to remind her of what she might be missing . . . even if what she’s missing just so happens to be a sociopathic vampire, with a bit of a stalking problem. 🙂 He’s still super pretty though!
Speaking of Klaus, Rebekah pops by to tell him that she’s been spending a lot of time reading cave paintings, and one of them told her that White Oak Ash trees still exist. This means the Originals lives are still at risk . . . a little factoid I’d be a bit more concerned about, if we hadn’t by now seen them all staked and de-staked, by white oak ash daggers, about 82 times a-piece, this season . . .
Oh Crazy Nanny Carrie . . . you weren’t fooling ANYONE
except, perhaps, Alaric. In our lame, predictable, disappointing Big Bad Cliffhanger, Alaric awakens in Crazy Nanny Carrie / Meredith’s messy house to find that the good doctor has been collecting evidence about the Mystic Falls Serial Killer, including one of the murder weapons. “You shouldn’t have seen that,” says Meredith . . . even though SHE KEPT IT COMPLETELY IN PLAIN SITE FOR HIM TO FIND.
Then she shoots him, which, I guess is supposed to make us think she’s the serial killer. But that would just be too easy. As for whether Alaric was wearing his ring, and whether it will actually work to bring him back to life, this time. That remains to be seen. But something tells me that our favorite History Teacher will live to drink and drunk dial, another day . . .
Unfortunately, that’s all the TVD she wrote, at least for another month-long-hiatus . . .
But hey, next week’s episode is a DAMON SALVATORE ORIGIN episode, which is as good a way to make up for lost time as any, right?
And until then . . . we’ll always have fanfiction, Fangbangers! . . . 😉