(I suspect Elizabeth Bennett would agree with this statement.)
I tend not to recap sitcoms. I just find it kind of difficult to say something uniquely “witty and amusing” about a show, whose main purpose is to be “witty and amusing.” In short, sitcoms are usually funnier than I am. And that makes me feel inferior . . .
However, lately I’ve come to develop a bit of an obsession with
television character, Nick Miller (MARRY ME, NICK MILLER!) the sitcom New Girl. The show is surprisingly smart and quirky, in an oddly relatable way. Every episode is chock full of compulsively quotable one liners.
Also, the entire cast has great chemistry with one another. And the relationships between the show’s main characters are captivating and fun to watch . . .
OK . . . OK . . . So, maybe there is one relationship on the show in which I’m just a teensy weensy bit more invested than the others. I’m a girl. SUE ME!
Therefore, without further adieu, I proudly present to you a “recap” of this week’s episode of New Girl, in which I shameless mooch off the gif-making abilities of others, and include very little of my own original content. . . .
Poor Nick! He can’t get a new cell phone, because he weighs more than his credit score. (By the way, I didn’t know the cell phone company actually checked your credit score. This makes me feel a little violated. It also makes me think that Nick would be great in those FreeCreditReport.Com commercials . . . you know, the ones with the scruffy, but oddly hot guy, with the bad credit score, who lives with his mom, plays the banjo, and sometimes dresses up in a pirate costume . . .)
Nick’s misfortune is apparently a source of great amusement to the Good Folks at Verizon, who tease him mercilessly. You know, because people who sell cell phones for a living are always Bastions of Conservative Spending.
Personally, I’m not sure why Nick didn’t just buy one of those nifty prepaid cell phones at the local Quick-e-Mart. But I guess that wouldn’t be very funny . . . unless, of course, the “Mart” in question was owned by Apu from The Simpsons . . .
While walking home from the cell phone store, Jess tries to cheer up Nick, by telling him the not having a cell phone might actually make him seem “cool” and “mysterious” . . . like a Mole Person . . . or the Unibomber.
And hey, at least he will never have to worry about going over his text messaging limit!
At this rate, Nick is going to have to invest in some genuinely ambitious carrier pigeons, if he wants to maintain his social life. (Carrier pigeons don’t check credit scores. Do they? Remind me to ask the cast of Game of Thrones about this. They owe me one.)
In a surprise show of Roommate Solidarity, Jess offers to throw out her phone too . . .
But then, Nick reminds her that he gave his mom her number, in case of emergencies . . . a sure sign of budding love, if ever there was one . . .
OK, so now we know why Nick hates the rich
and people who work at Verizon. But what about Jess? Well, it turns out, she had her own little “Lizzie Meets Mr. Darcy” Moment at school, earlier that day.
Just like their iconic literary predecessors, Jess’ first meeting with Russell, a father of one of her students, doesn’t exactly go well. The fact that Jess was dressed like this certainly didn’t help matters . . .
By the way, check out the board behind Jess’ head. Ahh . . . if only I had Ms. Day as a teacher when I was eleven. I would TOTALLY be writing letters to convicts, and checking my head for lice, instead of “engaging in intercourse,” while in ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. (What kind of hippy dippy school is this?) Then again, when it comes to protecting your vegetables from STDs, I guess it’s never too early to learn . . .
As for single dad, Russell, he seems much less concerned with Jess’ Salad-Friendly take on sex education, than with her insistence on the students’ daily forays into artistic expression. Apparently, he’s a bit concerned by his daughter, Sara’s decision to create this piece, entitled “A Trip to the Mall with Grandma.”
(Coincidentally, I have a piece just like this, hanging over my bed . . .)
Possibly worried that, in her next work of art, his daughter will substitute real human heads for baby doll ones, Russell angrily informs Jess that, from now on, Sara will be “opting out” of “artistic expression time,” and will, instead, engage in, “Solo Study Hall.” Jess — who never met a baby doll head, or bloodied white glove, she didn’t like — is furious that Russell is squashing poor little Sara’s dreams of becoming
a serial killer an installation artist. When she complains to her principal, the latter warns her not to rock the boat, when it comes to Russell, who is apparently a Big Money Donor to the school. In fact, according to the principal, Russell might pull his funding, if he is dissatisfied with the way his daughter is being educated.
Not one to be so easily swayed, Jess offers her principal alternatives to taking scholastic money from “The Man.”
But the principal is not amused, and demands that Jess apologize to Russell Rich Guy for her behavior. At the horns of a moral and ethical dilemma, Jess turns to her roommates for help. Winston and Schmidt think she should suck it up and apologize, for the sake of her job. But Nick is all, “Damn Mr. Fancyman. Save the Empire!”
Jess decides to take Nick’s advice, because she’s secretly in love with him and stuff. (Hey, no one said this recap wouldn’t be biased!)
On her way to meet Russell Rich guy, and give him a piece of her mind, she has Schmidt and Nick on the phone, for moral support. With Nick chanting, “We ARE the 99 percent,” in her ear, she can’t lose . . . that is . . . until her old clunker of a car breaks down, and Russell, himself, arrives to witness the embarrassment . . .
“Weird Guy” Russell gallantly offers Jess his Bentley, so that she can drive home, without having to worry about bursting into flames by staying in her car . . . He does this, despite knowing absolutely nothing about her, aside from the fact that she often has men remove their condoms themselves, after intercourse, and lets his daughter draw decapitated heads during “Art Time.” (Hey, no one said rich people were smart.)
(I STILL do that!)
Though Jess initially rebuffs Russell’s offer, she eventually grudgingly accepts his help . . . the lure of a working automobile, being simply too enticing to pass up . . .
Later, back at the house, Jess admits to her bestie, Cece, that she’s been invited to Russell Rich Guy’s Fancy Rich People Cook Out, but doesn’t want to attend. Always one to offer the Tough Love, Cece chastizes Jess for being afraid of grown-up men, who might actually be capable of taking care of her, as opposed to the other way around. (Wow, New Girl just got deep!)
Meanwhile, in B-plot Land, Winston is feeling inferior, because he isn’t as good at triva as Schmidt. And it’s making him look bad in front of his new girlfriend . . .
When Schmidt’s repeated offers to “put on some Jodeci” to help set the mood, don’t help, Winston turns to the kid he sometimes babysits for, for help . . .
But it turns out, even the kid is better at trivia than Winston. So, this only makes him feel worse. But then, everything kind of sorts itself out, when Winston’s girlfriend tells him that she loves him . . . wait for it . . . just the way he is . . .
(My sentiments exactly, Schmidt.)
Back in A-plot Land, Jess takes Nick as her date to Russell Rich Guy’s cook out. (Naturally!) Remember in Pride and Prejudice, when Elizabeth Bennett visits Mr. Darcy’s estate, for the first time, and is initially totally put off by how ridiculously big and expensive everything looks. (“He’s just so . . . rich.”) But then she sees that massive bust of his head, and completely falls in love with all the wonderful things money that can buy? Well, that’s kind of what happen to Jess and Nick, as they explore Russell’s mansion, completely unaccompanied. (You’d think a guy like Russell could afford an alarm system . . . or at least some doors with locks.)
Though unimpressed by the “snooty island” in Russell’s kitchen, Nick is immediately captivated by Russell’s Sexy Mysterious Benefector in a Romance Novel Office . . .
Jess is captivated too . . . by Russell, himself . . . Then again, maybe it’s just his eggrolls . . .
However, she’s slightly less enthused by his Japanese bidet . . .
. . . which does give her a “deep cleaning,” but not exactly in the way she might have intended . . .
Count on Jess to crank the bidet up to “Six Happy Faces,” when Three is all that is necessary to give one’s bum a solid washing . . . Of course, it’s Russell to the rescue, once again . . . breaking into the bathroom at the last moment, to rescue his Damsel in Dist-Jess, like Batman, Ironman, or any of those other obnoxiously rich superheros out there . . .
Jess is grateful, but incredibly embarrassed, and wants out of La Casa de Ridiculously Wealthy, ASAP. But good ole, Nick has seen the light, and doesn’t want her to leave . . . thanks to a soulful conversation he recently had with, you guessed it, Russell McPerfect. The latter walks in on Nick, in a bit of an awkward moment, but not quite the type of “awkward moment” you might expect . . .
(Hmm . . . I wonder what kind of inanimate objects Russell Rich is sexually attracted to? Stock certificates, perhaps?)
Russell somehow manages to tell the chronically underachieving Nick that he should “grow up,” without sounding snobby or condescending. Russell also admits that he likes Jess a lot. The admission touches Nick, so much, that he immediately becomes Team Jess and Russelll . . . (or, rather, the way I like to see it, Team Jess and Happiness . . . . because I refuse to believe that Nick would rather Jess be coupled with anyone but Nick, himself . . . were it not for his own current financial shortcomings).
So, back in, Jess goes . . . And for her courage, she’s rewarded with a dinner date invitation from Russell Rich . . .
(If she plays her cards right, there may even be eggrolls involved, and/or cucumbers with condoms on top.)
She also gets to have a nice little dip in the koi pond . . .
This time, it’s Nick who decides to come to Jess’ rescue . . .
Unfortunately, Russell’s instructions regarding Chair Sweater Folding Techniques prevent him from being as effective a superhero as he otherwise might have been . . .
In Nick’s defense, the “President of Earth” is a busy guy. And he can’t save every pretty girl that falls in the koi pond . . .
Mitt Romney, and Dr. Evil would definitely approve . . .
That’s all she wrote, folks. Until next time . . .