The Lazy Recapper Takes On This Week’s Once Upon a Time, Mad Men, Game of Thrones, Gossip Girl, New Girl, and The Big Bang Theory (in ONE post!)

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Don’t you hate it when your personal life gets in the way of you fulfilling your blogging responsibilities?

I know, I DO!  But just because I haven’t been updating you each day with 5,000-word in-depth analyses of various TV shows I watch, doesn’t mean I haven’t been watching television.  After all, I firmly believe that, no matter how busy you are, there is ALWAYS time for television . . .

That is why, this week, instead of merely recapping one or two of the shows I watched, I will recap EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY ONE but in a half-assed way, that waters them down to one or two punchlines, a piece.

Well, I don’t care if you’re impressed, DAMON SALVATORE!  I’m going to do it,  anyway!  (Besides, YOUR show is on hiatus.  So, what do YOU care?)

So, without further adieu I proudly present to you, The Lazy Recapper’s Guide to Television for the Week of April 2nd . . .

Once Upon a Time – “The Stable Boy”

This week on Once Upon a Time, I learned that I should never tell little girls my secrets . . .

“You can trust me!  I’m a Disney Princess!”

Because, if I tell a little girl my secret, I will probably become evil, for all eternity (and start wearing WAY too much mascara) . . .

Also, my blue collar boyfriend with the heart of gold will DIE . . .

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And I will cope with it, by removing all my neighbors’ hearts, and putting them in little individual jewelry boxes.  This way, whenever I’m having a bad day, I can take one out, and do this to it . . .

 I also learned that the little girl who briefly played Max on Wizards of Waverly place is kind of an AMAZING actress.  (She also might very well be Ginnifer Goodwin’s Time-Traveling Doppelganger.)

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P.S. So, it turns out, Prince Charming’s ex-wife isn’t quite as “dead” as we once thought she was.  (However, after spending over a week wandering the woods aimlessly, she probably smells a bit like death.)

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Zombie?

Mad Men – Tea Leaves

Here’s an interesting tidbit of information for you.  Did you know that Jared Gilmore, the kid who plays Henry Mills on Once Upon a Time, used to play Bobby Draper on Mad Men?

Unfortunately, the performance itself wasn’t all that memorable.  This has less to do with Jared Gilmore’s acting abilities, and more to do with “Bobby Draper” as a character.  For one thing, the kid is, for all intents and purposes, a selective mute, and has probably said about five lines in as many seasons of the show.  Also, the producers seem to change the actor who plays Bobby every few episodes.  (They are already on their fourth.)

Nonetheless, Jared Gilmore did manage to leave his mark on Mad Men, by famously tattling to the press about what a heinous biatch January Jones was to him, while he was on set.

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“Take THAT, Snow White’s grandkid!”

Well, you know how it is when people are REALLY mean to you, right?  You can’t help but feel the slightest bit of guilty glee, when they eventually get what’s coming to them . .  .

So, you could imagine how psyched Jared Gilmore probably was, when he turned on Mad Men this week (assuming it’s not on after his bed time), and saw THIS . . .

That’s right, boys and girls!  The once-modelesque, ice queen, Betty Draper nee Francis now wears your grandma’s house coats, and steals her own daughter’s ice cream sundaes, after the latter leaves the dinner table.  (She also, as it turns out, DOESN’T have a deadly disease.  So, you can post pictures like the one above on your blog, without feeling like a total cretin for doing so.)

Somewhere in Hollywood, Jared Gilmore is fist pumping for joy . . .

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Also this week on Mad Men, Sterling Cooper Draper Price hired its first Jewish employee.  Happy Passover!

Sure, Michael Ginsburg is a bit on the “socially awkward” side.  But he’s a smart guy.  And I think he’ll fit in at the firm just fine . . . provided he stops stealing jackets from Pete Campbell’s wardrobe . . .

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I mean, let’s face it, you REALLY don’t want to mess with Pete.  The dude keeps a hunting rifle under his desk, for crying out loud . . .

Speaking of socially awkward people who dress badly . . .

The Big Bang Theory – “The Hawking Excitation”

So . . . um . . . this happened . .  .

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And all I could think to myself was that Jim Parsons has some really well-toned legs!  He must do Pilates.  Or . . . maybe he takes those pills you hear about on late night infomercials . . . you know, the ones that make you .  . . bigger.

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Or . . . maybe not.  But while Sheldon’s weiner thigh muscles showed some signs of growth this week, his ego most certainly did not.  From having to wash the pee off Howard’s many belt buckles, to having to stuff Howard’s rotund mother in a teeny tiny dress, having to wear a French Maid costume was the least of Sheldon’s problems, this week.  And if all that didn’t drum up pity in your heart for the genius from Apartment 4A, then I suspect this will . .  .

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In other Disconcerting Revelations News . . .

New Girl – “Secrets”

Schmidt’s and Cece’s “secret relationship” isn’t such a “secret anymore.”

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Nick didn’t exactly take the news well . . .

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Jess didn’t take the news well either . . .

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And yet, I’d say that she took the news that all the guys in the house had “self-completed” while thinking about her, much worse .  . .

“Come on Cece, the boys are busy slapping their salamies.  Let’s go rob some banks.” 

(Of course, we all know that Jess secretly LOVES the idea that Nick frequently self-completes, while thinking about her.  She’s not fooling anybody.)

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Speaking of people who are going to have to do a lot more “self-completing” in the future . . .

Gossip Girl – “Con Heir”

It turns out that Chuck Bass’ often malevolent (but still totally awesome) Uncle Jack shouldn’t really be exchanging bodily fluids with ANYONE but himself .  . .

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And that means it’s safe to say that Uncle Jack’s blood wasn’t what saved Chuck’s life, back when he was still with Blair, before the show went to Hell in a Prada bag . . .

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Many viewers now suspect that the real source of Chuck Bass’ lifeblood was his secret bio mom, and Nate’s former screw toy, Diana, who not-so-coincidentally will be returning to the show, next week . . .

Personally, my money is on Damon Salvatore.  We all know how much he likes to “share” his lifeblood with the dying . .  .

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(Come to think of it, Chuck HAS been looking a bit pale,  lately . . .)

In other news, Blair Waldorf learned that the only way to make sex with Donut Dan Humphrey passable is to get drunk enough, and travel to a dark enough alley, that she can make herself believe she’s actually doing it with Chuck Bass . . .

Speaking of people who shouldn’t be having sex . . .

Game of Thrones – “The North Remembers”

This guy . . .

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 . . . is the poster child for why incest is BAAAAAAADDDD . . .

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Dear readers, please, please, PLEASE do not have sex with your siblings.  I don’t care HOW hot they are . . .

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Draco Malfoy’s Evil-er twin, Joffrey Baratheon’s douchebagginess knows NO bounds .  . .

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You know, in most cases I am a staunch opponent of corporal punishment.  Hitting kids is WRONG, DAMMIT  . . . but in this case . . . I’d be willing to make an exception . . .

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Coincidentally, if you live in Westeros and happen to have had sex with the late King Baratheon at any time during the last . . . oh, twenty or so years, I have a little piece of advice for you . . .

Yep, there sure were a lot of DEAD BASTARD BABIES in this week’s episode of Game of Thrones.  It was rather disturbing . . .

And yet, when it happened, somehow I didn’t cry quite as much as I did back in the pilot episode, when they killed Sansa’s pet wolf.

Puppies make me mushy.  Babies?  Meh! 

Clearly, I’m an awful human being . . .

P.S. Tyrion Lannister, if you are reading this . . . CALL ME!  (We can be short and snarky together!)

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 And that was the Lazy Recapper’s TV Week in review.  So, tell me, what did YOU watch on TV this week?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

13 Comments

Filed under Game of Thrones, Gossip Girl, Mad Men, New Girl, Once Upon a Time, The Big Bang Theory

13 responses to “The Lazy Recapper Takes On This Week’s Once Upon a Time, Mad Men, Game of Thrones, Gossip Girl, New Girl, and The Big Bang Theory (in ONE post!)

  1. sassyfran

    Jewls, you are so hilarious I love the Lazy Recappers guide. Some of the shows I actually have seen this week mainly Gossip Girl and New Girl 🙂 I love how you made them so much funnier on recapping LOL.
    I know I am trying to find current shows to recap since Lying Game and Pretty Little Liars went off for the season but I have been Lazy and so far I am just doing Supernatural and Secret Circle. I am thinking of doing Revenge when it returns so maybe I will take myself a little break while I also try to find a Web Host for my NEW domain name, Yes I am going rogue http://www.randomrecaps.net but the hosting thing is gonna take time I am not made of money and its I am hoping I will be able to move the site without losing anything *any help appreciated*. Oh and while am already off topic guess who is going to Vampire Diaries Con next weekend??……….ME ME Me, I can’t wait !! I hope to recap that when I return 🙂

    Talk soon
    XOXO

    • Hey sassyfran! Awww, you made me mile. I’m so glad you liked my little Lazy Recapper. And that it made you laugh. 🙂

      I probably SHOULD have done a full recap for Gossip Girl this week. But, in addition to being crazy busy, I’m just so frustrated with the direction the show has traveled of late *cough Dair cough.* And my anger at the show makes it’s difficult to invest that kind of time in a recap.

      Plus, I’d say about 98% of the people who read my GG recaps are staunch Chair fans. (The Dair ones jumped ship along time ago. :)). So, many of them probably aren’t watching / reading . . .

      I guess that’s always the challenge of choosing new shows to recap, even during a time like now, when a lot of shows are in hiatus. You worry, when you pick up a new show, that it won’t fit well into your recapping schedule, timewise, or that you will lose passion for the show. But once you start, there’s a kind of responsibility for you to keep it up each week.

      But I think Revenge would be a great match for you, since you’ve recapped the show before, and because it’s during a day of the week, where you don’t have other shows to recap. You could always try it, and convert to a more abridged recap of the show, if you find it doesn’t work out.

      As for the new site, probably the easiest thing to do, would be to register the domain name through WordPress, and have all your content mapped / forwarded over to your new site. That would cost $17.00. Nothing about your site would change, and you would have access to all the tools you had through WordPress, just like before.

      The benefits would be that you would have a snappier, more “memorable” domain name, your own hosting capabilities (which include the right to have more advertisements on your blog for cash), and the ability to edit and convert the CSS stylesheet on your webpage, so that the look of your blog could be tailored how you want it.

      To do that, just click on “Store” in the lefthand banner of your dashboard, and select the Mapping Option .. . I hope that helps.

      Oh, and I’m super psyched to hear you are attending the Vampire Diaries Con. Is this the one in Chicago? My friend had been trying to convince me to go, until Joseph Morgan backed out at the last minute. They are a ton of fun! And I can’t wait to read your recap! Give Ian a hug for me, if he’s there! 🙂

  2. Ali

    Hey there! Back again. Loved the recap-soup. Watched all the shows but it is always refreshing to read your comments. So funny!
    I was also impressed by the young Snow…that girl can act! Check her out in Bridges of Therabithia… sooo cute and good!

    Take care, J!

    • Hey Ali! It’s so great to see you! Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting. I wondered what you had been watching during this Glee hiatus. And I’m thrilled to see we still share the same TV taste.

      Bailee Madison was positively amazing as young Snow White. Not only is she exactly what I imagine Ginnifer Goodwin looked like when she was a kid, she had all the mannerisms, facial expressions, and vocal intonations of Mary Margaret / Snow White down pat.

      It’s very cute. When I was looking for pictures of her and Ginnifer for this post, I came across tweets that the two actresses exchanged, shortly after the episode aired. Ginnifer tweeted to Bailee that the latter was amazingly talented. She even asked Bailee to give her acting lessons. 🙂 Bailee responded that she must have watched footage of Ginnifer playing Snow White 100 times to get down all the precise details. It shows!

      Girlfriend is going to win an Oscar sometime in the next 10 to 15 years. I can feel it . . .

      They really do a great job with the casting on Once Upon a Time. I also thought Sebastian Stan as the Mad Hatter was an inspired choice.

      P.S. Have you caught the Gotye song cover (Somebody I Used to Know) from Matt Bomer and Darren Criss from next week’s Glee on YouTube yet?

      http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/live-feed/glee-darren-criss-matt-bomer-gyote-307325

      I think they do a really great job. And their voices are a solid fit for the song. My only minor complaint is that the lyrics don’t seem to really jive with the storyline . . . a lovers’ breakup song sung by two BROTHERS? (What is this . . . Game of Thrones? :)) I may end up adding the version to my iPod anyway, of course . . .

  3. imaginarymen

    I think “Lazy Recapper” should be a recurring post! What a great way to tie in a bunch of shows and still be able to go to your real-life-job!

    I does NOT make me hate things! (although I do love that phrase and I’m using it and “emotionally nauseous” as much as possible.)

    Now it’s Saturday, you should be sleeping – that’s what it’s for!

    • That’s actually a great idea for a post, Amy: (1) Things that make me hate things; and / or (2) Things that make me emotionally nauseous. I bet, between the two of us, we could probably come up with at least 50 “things” in each category. 🙂

      I’m thrilled that you liked my Lazy Recapper! It was super fun to write. Plus, it allowed me to pay homage to a lot of shows I love, and have strong opinions about, but haven’t had the time to fully commit to recapping. I suspect this won’t be the last post of this kind you will see on here . . . 😉

      Thanks for reading, and, of course, for your support! 🙂

  4. Abhinetri

    Hi recapper 🙂
    As usual great review.. I enjoy your gossip girl reviews.. This week the show reached all time low and definitely nothing worth reviewing except the return of Jack Bass… We ve to suffer another Nate-cougar-currentGirlfriend triangle next week… Not unlike nate-catherine-vanessa/nate-chivy-diana…. Ugh… Totally miss good old Chair, the only nucleus of this pathetic excuse for a tv show…..

    • Hey Abhinetri! I’m glad to see I’m not the only one who’s been frustrated with Gossip Girl lately. And I appreciate your being so understanding about my decision not to do a full recap of the episode.

      You know I think a lot of Dair fans have the misconception that the rest of us are turning away from the show, just because our ship isn’t together right now. But I really don’t think that’s the case. After all, throughout the course of five seasons, there have been plenty of times when C & B were on “the outs,” and the writers still managed to squeeze out excellent episodes and plotlines from the cast.

      But just as you said, lately, it feels like the writers are spinning their wheels with redundant plotlines: Nate and his “outsider girlfriend,” the cougar love triangle, Serena contemplating being Gossip Girl, after being fired from yet another media-related job. Even Chuck’s “bio mom” storyline, though admittedly the best of the lot, was so blatantly telegraphed early on, that it will likely surprise very few, when Diana turns out to be his mother.

      But I think more than that, the characterization has been off. In the Lily / Ivy / Lola storyline, I found myself not commiserating with any of them. Lily came off as ridiculously greedy, and heartless, when she seemed much more open-minded in earlier seasons. (I mean, she fell in love with RUFUS for crying out loud. How much more open-minded can you get? Rufus IS Brooklyn. You can’t have one without the other.)

      As for Ivy, what happened to the girl who didn’t care about money, and only wanted to have a family? Sure, she’s rightfully earned her portion of Cece’s estate. But her decision to kick the VDW’s out of their own home drastically reduced my sympathy for her. If she had simply given up her claim to the house, and just taken the money portion of the estate (as it seems like she will finally try to do this week), I would have been behind her 100%. Now, not so much . . .

      Even Lola . . . ugh! She’s such a brat. Every time she shuns Ivy or the VDW’s, with her self-righteous remarks I want to slap her. You’re dating NATE ARCHIBALD, girlfriend. You better get used to hanging out with rich people fast, or you’ll end up like VANESSA ABRAMS. And no one wants that . . .

      And don’t even get me started on Blair, and what they’ve done with her character, in order to appease a small portion of the fanbase. She was unrecognizable in this episode. Where’s the spunk, the snobbery, the quick wit, the fastidious opposition to the kind of dirt and grime one would find in a BACK ALLEY IN BROOKLYN, or a dingy bar bathroom? (She drank CHEAP VODKA out of a CHAMPAGNE FLUTE? WTF?)

      I mean, sure, Blair has always been a bit of an exhibitionist. But she and Chuck always seemed to screw in the pristine nooks of the Upper East Side . . . places where she didn’t have to worry about picking up STDS . . . or bed bugs. 🙂

      But on a positive note, as you said, I adore Jack Bass. He and Chuck never fail to make me smile in their scenes together. Personally, I would love him to become a season regular next year. I think his presence could give the show back some of the edginess it’s recently lacked.

  5. MCRmymember

    I loved this week’s episode of “New Girl” and how Jess knew exactly when Nick was lying to her. 🙂 And the fact that she knew his back sweats when he lies…….;)
    I WAS LAUGHING SOOOOO MUCH WHEN THEY SAID THAT THEY ALL SELF-COMPLETED TO AN IMAGE OF JESS, AT LEAST ONCE. And the fact that Nick had done it more than once…….. 😉 Man, they need to happen. 🙂 🙂 🙂

    • “Je accuse, Nick Miller! JE ACCUSE!”

      What a great scene! Those two really do like to get all up in eachother’s personal space, when they argue, don’t they? I love it. I’m calling it, right now. Season 2 of New Girl will be the Season of Jess and Nick. (And I for one can’t wait!) 🙂

  6. Meho

    Hey Jewls,
    I’m feeling exactly the way you are about the new direction with Gossip Girl. I cannot bear this show any longer, and I feel like I want to rebel and not watch it anymore! Seriously, I watch this show in anger now! I hope things change soon!

    • I think a lot of us feel like that, Meho! The way Blair treated Chuck in this past week’s episode horrified me. How could she not have offered some support to him over what he was going through with his mother, after all they had been through together? And her reaction to finding out about the dowry? *groans*

      The only think I can say is that some part of Blair must know she’s still in love with Chuck, if she’s so deathly afraid to have any contact with him, whatsoever. I think deep down she knows, that all he needs to do is say the right words, and they’ll be in one another’s arms. (Humpty Humphrey, who?) I suspect the Season Finale will address this very issue. But will it be too late for the show, by then?

      • Meho

        Yeah, I think that it might be too late. I feel like we are such die-hard fans, and even we are getting turned off by this new direction. I don’t know how much longer we can support this crap. I don’t know what happened to the writers… did they all change?? I feel like they’re not keeping the same underlining drama that kept this whole series together in the first place. They’re trying to be something else that does not fit with this show. And it’s so obvious by all the acting that the actors don’t even want to be here either. Seriously, the acting is subpar. I’m not convinced that Blair and Dan are even into each other. It just doesn’t make any sense to me how they can just flip the script like that. How can Blair forgive Dan for everything that he’s done… and Chuck… he didn’t even do anything and he gets scolded at?? It doesn’t make any sense to me. At the rate they’re going, I am for sure that this or the next season will be the last. I hope they end the show on a good note because this is terrible.

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