[Don’t worry, Fangbangers! Your TVD-cap of “Heart of Darkness” is on its way, and will hopefully be posted sometime before midnight, E.S.T. Friday, April 20th. I promise to make it worth the wait. And even if it isn’t, at least all those Delena gifs will be pretty to look at!]
There was plenty to love in this week’s TV lineup: smart one-liners, shocking reveals, grown men engaged in fisti-cuffs, baby scares, illicit affairs, disco-dancing cross dressers, and even some chewing gum that got caught at the VERY WRONG PLACE at the VERY WRONG TIME. So, of course, I wanted to “rub my face” all over all of it . . .
well . . . except for maybe the chewing gum (That’s just gross).
Let’s review shall we?
Game of Thrones – “What is Dead May Never Die”
This week on Game of Thrones, Tyrion Lannister once again illustrated his cunning and overall awesomeness, by marrying off his 10-year old niece Myrcella off to two different (both twenty years her senior) at the EXACT SAME TIME . . .
. . . which, in Game of Thrones-land, isn’t nearly as creepy as it sounds. OK . . . scratch that . . it’s absolutely as creepy as it sounds. But you can’t blame Tyrion for living during an effed-up time. Can you?
In other Tyrion news, DUDE, dump that Shae Wench. And dump her fast. Trust me on this one, little guy. I’m only looking out for you . . .
Elsewhere in Westeros, we met Renly Baratheon’s wife, Margaery, who we learned is a real . . . umm . . . how do I put it nicely, “team player,” when it comes to carrying out the Commandment of “Honor thy Husband.”
She’s also VERY, VERY committed to her family. (Perhaps, too committed? Then again, isn’t everyone on this show.)
This week, we were also introduced to Brienne of Tarth, who just so happens to be my favorite character from the George M.M. Martin book series on which this show is based. Brienne kicked her king’s boyfriend’s ass in a jousting match, and earned herself a spot on the Kingsguard, as her chosen reward.
(Personally, I would have asked for money . . . or a Vegas vacation . . . but that’s just me)
Still, I admire the androgenous Brienne’s strength and moxie. She should REALLY do something about that hair though . . . It makes her look like Macauley Culkin . . .
Speaking of poor fashion choices . . .
Mad Men – “Signal 30”
This week on Mad Men, Don Draper joined the ever-growing Ugly Jacket Club . . .
He took it off a few minutes later to “fix a broken sink,” but that damage had already been done. Honestly, if I was a guy who looked like Don Draper, I’d probably never wear a shirt . . . EVER. And a jacket? Well, that’s as superfluous an item of clothing as this clown nose . . .
. . . particularly if it looks like it was made from someone’s picnic blanket . . .
And yet, this episode wasn’t really about Don and his questionable wardrobe choices. It had a lot more to do with good ole Pete Campbell.
Pete had quite the busy week this week. For starters, he went to driving school, and crashed and burned with a perky blonde high school chicky. Dammit! Who’s going to take Pete to the prom now?
Pete also got to wine and dine some British big wig from Jaguar (which Brits apparently pronounce as “Jag-oo-arrrr.”)
“Tastes like my dignity . . . “
Helpful hint, Pete. If you have to wear a big, while you are eating it . . . it’s probably not a classy meal. You know what else isn’t classy? Chewing gum on your dingaling . . .
Confused? See . . . I forgot to mention that, after eating Baby Food with Bibs Pete and Mr. Jag-oo-arr traveled to the Best Little Whore House in Manhattan, where Pete decided to role play a little Game of Thrones. (He was Joffrey.)
This may have seemed like good fun at the time. But, ultimately, it resulted in SCDP losing the Jagooar account . . . thanks to Mr. Jagooar’s decision to get horizontal with one of those girls, who always leaves their chewing gum under chairs in public places (I HATE people like that.), and clearly mistook Mr. Jagooar’s weiner schnitzel for one of those chairs. Oops!
This business loss positively infuriate Lane, who had brought the account to SCDP in the first place. A few harsh words were exchanged on both sides. And, before you know it, this often stuffed shirted Madison Avenue advertising agency, had morphed into it’s very own version of Fight Club . . . with Lane playing the role of Tyler Durden as Brad Pitt, and Pete paying the much less lucky role of Tyler Durden as Ed Norton.
In other words, Pete got his ass handed to him, BIG TIME.
Let that be a lesson to you, folks. Never mess with those Nerdy British types. Not only are they surprisingly scrappy. But most of them have never had chewing gum placed on their hot dog. (They were much too busy beating people up in alleyways to concern themselves with such nonsense.)
While Pete went home early to lick his wounds (or, perhaps, have his wife lick them for him) . . .
“Don’t look at me, Don. I’m HIDEOUS!”
. . . Lane retired to his office, where he was promptly comforted by a newly maternal Joan. “If they tried to make you feel different than them, you are. And that’s a good thing,” she offered supportively. Lane responded by doing this . . .
AWWWWK-WARD!
Well . . . at least it could have been awkward, if Joan idn’t handle the situation like a TOTAL boss.
Her face inscrutably blank, Joan quietly rose to open the door, thereby decidedly closing off the possibility for Kiss: THE SEQUEL. But then she came right back to sit down next to Lane, silently reassuring him that this would not change their business relationship or their friendship, in the slightest. Though I strongly suspect both parties will be looking at one another a bit differently from now on . . .
Joan even offered her “pal” Lane some parting humor. “Plenty of people have wanted to do that to Pete Campbell,” Joan mused.
I could think of a few . . . .
In other news, Ken Cosgrove is my spirit animal, because he’s a writer with a day job. (In fact, he’s a much better writer than I am, if the excerpt from his short story at the end of this week’s episode is any indication. I bet he doesn’t even NEED animated gifs as a substitute for real humor . . .)
Sexy legs too . . .
You keep writing, Ken! Don’t let The Man get you down!
Roger Sterling a.k.a. The Man
Speaking of writers forced to use pen names to maintain their anonymity . . .
Gossip Girl – “Salon of the Dead”
This week on Gossip Girl, Serena was almost expose by Lola as the new titular GG . . . but then he wasn’t. Sorry, Lola! The idea of S as Gossip Girl is apparently a tough sell. After all, up until she graduated high school few people on the Upper East Side even knew she could read and write . . .
Lola’s brief foray into super-sleuthing Veronica Mars territory wasn’t a total wash, however. She did manage to accidentally reveal Diana Mc Slutty Slut as Chuck’s real bio mom . . . a real that seemed to be a “Shocking Suprise” to the good fictional folks of the UES, even though it neither shocked nor surprised anyone who actually watches Gossip Girl.
Poor Chuck! Is there anyone on this show who hasn’t abandoned my Baby Bass?
*clears throat*
Well . . . aside from Nate, of course . . .
Ah . . . bromance
Though Chuck’s initial reaction to this reveal was to run like heck, eventually, he did manage to sit down for an adult heart-to-heart, with Whorey van Whoreson. Of course, it wasn’t long before mother and child were forced to grapple with the overwhelmingly ickly realization that Chuck’s mommy had been porking his best friend and roommate just inches away from where Chuck slept. “I was planning on watching you from afar,” Diana said.
“Nate’s bed isn’t that far,” Chuck quipped. (Well, she sure walked right into that one!)
Ahhh . . . good ole Chuck . . . always bringing the funny, even though he just foun out his mom is a slutty child molester from a video uploaded to his cell phone by a Special Guest Star, and the love of his life is dating a donut with Chia Pet hair . . .
In other much less interesting news, Blair and the Donut had the Lamest Coming Out Party ever . . . In fact, it was soooo bad, they both had to leave at the same time “to get ice.” (You know a party is crap, when the hosts can’t even wait to leave it.) To make matters worse, the Happy Couple, couldn’t even be bothered to invite their REAL friends, the Non-Judging Breakfast club to their party. Of course, the crew ended up crashing anyway. But it didn’t save the lameness of the event . . . or this increasingly sour storyline . . .
You know what might have saved this party though . . . some dancing . . .maybe even a little disco dancing.
Glee – “Saturday Night Gleever”
The few of you out there, who used to read my Gleecaps know that the show and I haven’t exactly been speaking terms lately. And yet, each week, I always manage to find some aspect of the episode that I love. This week my heart went out to a sassy cross dresser named Unique, and her Boogie, Boogie Shoes . . .
Also, Lord Tubbington made an appearance . . . the fat cat, who to this day, remains my favorite Glee character of all time. I mean, just look at how talented this cat is! And how many cats do YOU know who can actually say they were in a sex tape . . .
Speaking of sex tapes, Brittany might not always show her love for Santana in the best ways, but you have to know that her and Santana’s road to slutty stardom was paved with excellent intentions. And when you think about it, Brittany’s right. Having a sex tape, and going on weird reality shows is the most surefire way to become famous these days. Just ask the Kardashians . . .
I also love that Brittany came up with the idea to apply Santana for a cheerleading college scholarship, though I suspect it was actually Sue who penned the application, and possibly wrote the essay too. After all, it would take a VERY liberal, liberal arts college to accept a higher education application that was written in crayon, and featured a hand-drawn picture of Lord Tubbington on the bottom . . .
It would be easy to write Brittany off as “just another stereotypical dumb blonde.” And yet, the character can be surprisingly astute sometimes, especially when it comes to Santana. Perhaps, a more accurate way to describe Brittany would be “childlike.” Speaking of children . . .
New Girl – “Kids”
Ahhh, if it isn’t the “my period is late, and now I have to reevaluate my life priorities” Baby Scare Storyline. We’ve all seen it about a million times before. And yet, there really is no fake baby like a Fake Schmidt Baby, who requires his very own Douche Baby Jar.
But Cece isn’t the only cast member contemplating her ablity to be a mom. Jess too is forced to take on the role of the Dreaded Adult, when she is asked to babysit Russell’s 11-year old Sarah. But Sarah isn’t just your ordinary, garden variety 11-year old. In fact, she just so happens to share the collective brain of every Nick fangirl who watches this show.
That’s right New Girlian’s! Sarah thinks Nick is SUPER HOT . . . even though his eyes look “like poop.”
Truth be told, she would very much like to “rub [her] face all over his face” (but not all over his eyes . . . you know, because of the whole “poop” thing). Sarah’s episode-long love for Nick is great for the show, for a few reasons. For starters, she gets Jess to admit that Nick is hot, “in a rumpled, small town PI-kind of way.”
Sarah also seems to singlehandedly break Nick of his already three-or-four episode long habit of dating college girls, by inadvertently showing him JUST how much younger than him they actually are. (Hint: His current date used to ride the school bus with Sarah.)
But, best of all, Sarah’s little temper tantrum, get’s Nick and Jess to sit on the floor together, outside their bedroom door, stare dreamily into one another’s eyes, and each confess to Sarah why they are both so terrible for OTHER people to date, while, at the same time, proving just how perfect they are for ONE ANOTHER to date.
So, hooray for Sarah. But I still can’t figure out how she was spawned from these two . . .
I mean, red-headedness is supposed to be a recessive trait, right?
Oh, and, just in case you were curious, Cece and Schmidt aren’t pregnant. So, there little “caramel miracle-to be” may have to wait another season.
Better luck next time, Future Schmidt Baby!
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TV Recappers Anonymous 
I just cant believe Blair did not react to the news that Diana is Chuck’s mom.. Only last week she found that he paid her entire dowry, freed her to canoodle with Donut… Talk about ungrateful… Ugh!!!!
So true, Bass Forever. I found it more than a bit convenient that Blair was out “getting ice” at her own party, during the big reveal. Talk about symbolism.
The writers undoubtedly wrote the episode that way, so that they wouldn’t have to focus on what Blair’s reaction to the news would be. But still, I find it a bit hard to believe that Blair didn’t watch the blast, while she was out running her errand. Wouldn’t she, if nothing else, have at least been curious as to whether Gossip Girl was posting about her party?
It was just so unlike Blair to return to the party, and be completely clueless as to why everyone was leaving. Then again, nothing Blair has been doing lately has been like her. It’s been invasion of the body snatchers with that character. Or, should I say, invasion of the donut snatchers . . .
LOL I only watch two of those shows but WELL Done as usual. I am missing recapping I hope Secret Circle and Supernatural are new this week I am getting rusty not recapping LOL. Thanks for sharing and I look forward to watching the NEW Girl episode on Hulu in the near future 🙂
xoxo
Hey sassyfran! I can totally relate. I found myself getting rusty too. But I have no doubt that once you start writing, you will be kicking those recaps out of the park like always. Secret Circle was pretty great this week, as was Revenge. I can’t wait to check out your recaps of those shows! We are back in business, fellow recapper! 🙂
I finally saw that episode of NEW GIRL where the little girls said I want to rub my face all over his face LOL she was hilarious. Love that show but don’t always get to watch when it airs. I have been watching GG recently too its good to see it on Monday now. 🙂 Thanks for sharing. Oh are you watching Scandal? It’s a good show!!
Even though I’ve given up on GG (that episode sounded painfully dull, despite your usual wittiness), I still check in to see what you’re up to! I hope you keep recapping GoT–that is my SHOW!!! If you want more scheming, plotting, and bloody debauchery, you should check out The Borgias. That’s my other drama-of-the-moment.
Hey Insidious Miss! Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting! Yeah, I haven’t quite given up on GG yet. However, I do find it difficult to give the show my full recap attention, when so much of the past few episodes have been that snoozy Dair storyline. In fact, it was my willingness to brush over about 3/4 of the GG episodes that really inspired my lazy recapper series in the first place. 🙂
I’m so psyched to hear that you are a Game of Thrones fan too! While I adored the series, back in Season 1, I find that now, after having read Books 2 and 3 in the Song of Fire and Ice Series on which it was based, I’m even MORE invested in the characters, and what’s happening with them. I’m also perpetually impressed by the casting on this show. Almost without fail, it’s as though they’ve pulled the book characters out of my head, and put them on the screen in front of me. It’s really too bad casting directors can’t get Oscars. Because these folks really deserve them.
As for recapping GoT, I suspect you will definitely see more of that on this blog. If not in full-fledged, analytical mode, at least in mini-form. There’s a storyline coming up, involving Arya this season for which I’m particularly excited. So, I’m sure I’ll be talking about that.
Oh, and of course, my boy Tyrion will always get some coverage. 😉 Heck, even Sansa won my heart in Books 2 and 3. (And she irked me during Season 1.)
Ok, I know next to nothing about the other shows so I shall focus on the Game of Thrones episode.
I guess Renley hasn’t really grasped the seriosness of his new situation, either in warfare or marriage. Interestingly both Tyrell siblings have it in common that they nudge him forward and of course Margery is no virgin whatsoever, her whole behavior seems to hint that she also has some “inappropriate” liasons if you ask me. Not to mention that she obviously knew what was going on. Hm, in some way that might be the most honest relationship in Westeros we have seen so far, neither pretends that this marriage is anything different than politics.
And I wonder whether Sir Tyrell would be so quick to tell Renley to bone his sister if he would have to sleep with a women as well. Kinda odd.
But do you know what is really odd?
You have no screencaps or gifs of the two guys. Shame on you. In TVD you construct that and put it in, but here you have nothing? ^^
Since I looked a bit at Wikipedia I already know some stuff and decided not to want to know more and rather follow the show. I already know where Theon’s path will lead.
Interesting how his old man expected his son back. Or perhaps it was simply that all these years he tried to repress his failure and now that frustration he let out on his son whose fate is his old man’s fault.
And Theon’s sister…. she seems kind of creepy to me and her comment regarding skirts in the last episode is as interesting as Brienne’s outfit in this.
I guess I am more trapped in images than I thought since I also said that Brienne looked like a man at first until I noticed her hips. And damn, is that a trick or is the actress actually that tall?
Interesting what power clothes have or words for that matter since its also interesting to notice what the figures of speach and the like imply in this show.
I guess we can discuss this later on.
I actually always really enjoyed the character of Renly in the books. And am thrilled he is getting much more coverage in the television series than he ever did in the novels. Ditto for Margaery Tyrell, who was perfectly cast using the actress Natalie Dormer, who some might remember as Anne Boleyn in the Tudors.
But back to Renly. Of all the characters vying for the Iron Throne, I always found him to be the most likeable. (Robb Stark’s cute and honorable and all, but he can be a bit of a drip, if you ask me.) In modern day, Renly would make an excellent politician. He’s likeable enough to get plenty of campaign contributors, and savvy enough to hire the right people to take over the aspects of governance with which he’d rather not concern himself.
However, in Westeros time, Renly lacks the cutthroat nature, ferocity, and war general mentality it takes to be a good king. Plus, he is a bit too arrogant to recognize these weaknesses in himself. He’d do better siding with Stannis or Robb, and taking on a similar role in their courts, as Tyrion or Littlefinger have in their respective realms. (Though truth be told, Littlefinger has his “finger” in every pot. And may be the most dangerous one of all.)
As for the gifs, the lack of certain character representation was unintentional, I promise. I’m new to the GoT fandom. And what I’m learning is that they “GIF” differently than other shows I recap. Whereas with most of the shows on my roster, fans will tag their gifs under the name of the show, GoT fans tend to just use the characters names. This makes finding the gifs I want more challenging, but not impossible.
Long story short, I can assure you, I will do better next week. 🙂
Omigosh Renly killed me with that line last night: “Born amidst salt and smoke? …Is he a ham??” Idk why that just slayed me
Renly’s entire monologue to Stannis was sitcom gold! Personally, I would love to see him and Tyrion Lannister engage in a battle of wits . . . or even a “Yo Mama” joke competition. That would be awesome.
Ugh! And that demon baby birthing scene . . . gag! It reminded me of being in Middle School and being forced to watch that awful “Miracle of Life” video, with the most graphic depiction of a pregnancy EVER. There is really no better form of contraception than seeing that, as far as I’m concerned.
Oh maybe because witch-lady was trying to be all somber and spooky, and he just threw that wisecrack in there, it caught me off-guard
OMFG, if they made Jack Bass become Chuck’s brother, this show is really sick. Not that his best friend, Nate, slept with his mother, his ex-girlfriend slept with his father, too. OMFG, how much is enough for that poor boy?????
So, true, LAN. I’m still waiting for them to reveal that Jack Bass had a sex change operation, and is actually Chuck’s mother. 🙂 Honestly, at this point, I wouldn’t put it past the writers of Gossip Girl . . .
I miss your Glee recaps!
Hey Finchel Lover! Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting. I know I’ve been a miserable Glee capper lately *hangs head in shame*
There have just been so many great shows on TV lately (Glee included, of course). And now that my life schedule has changed, I’ve been having a hard time keeping up with all of them. I promise to do my very best to be a better Gleecapper in the future.
Thanks so much for sticking with my blog, despite my recent laziness!