Ahhh . . . Russell, a.k.a. the Fancyman . . .
Ever since the character started dating Jess, a few weeks back, we all pretty much suspected that he wouldn’t be long for this series.
(Well . . . almost all of us.)
I mean, sure, he seemed nice enough. He had a good job . . . lots of cash.
The dude had a real talent for shot-gunning beer, and playing True American.
He even had the Nick Miller Stamp of Approval, something neither of Jess’ previous beaus on the show managed to obtain.
And yet, there was just something about Russell’s and Jess’ relationship that was . . . how do I put this kindly . . . REALLY, REALLY BORING.
Given that, it’s not surprising that many New Girl fans (Nick and Jess shippers, in particular) have spent the last few weeks trying to predict what Unforgivable Faux Pas would chime the death knell for this particular relationship.
Would Russell say the dreaded “I love you,” too early, like Paul? Would he buy Jess a cactus, like Julia did for Nick? Would he cheat on Jess, like Spencer?
As it turns out, Russell’s downfall was much simpler than that. And it all boiled down to one simple word . . . passion.
Though difficult to describe, passion is a surprisingly easy thing to see. Either you have it . . .
. . . or you don’t.
In essence, that was what “Tomatoes” was all about . . . passion . . .and tomatoes . . . and Schmidt’s weiner . . .
Let’s review, shall we?
Sowing the Seeds of a Brighter Tomorow
The episode began with Nick swearing off women . . . for approximately ten minutes . . . opting instead to shower affection on something a bit less likely to break his heart and/or get him convicted of statutory rape and/or get him a VD . . . namely, tomatoes. Yes, Nick was very serious about his tomatoes this week . . . so serious, in fact, that he even built them their very own scarecrow . . . which he subsequently murdered . . .
(By the way, if Martin Scorcese ever actually directed a remake of The Wizard of Oz, it would totally win an Oscar . . . just sayin’.)
. . . but that’s neither here nor there.
As a Prospective Parent of Tomatoes, Nick was a doting, if unorthodox, father . . . one who ascribed to the Alicia Silverstone School of Child Nourishment.
I don’t know about you, but I personally always enjoy a little backwash in my salad.
Unfortunately, for Nick, his friends were being less than supportive of his new endeavor . . . well, except for Jess, of course . . . who, in a sense, functioned as the Working Tomato Mom, to Nick’s stay at home dad.
“You like my personality?”
Meanwhile, Cece and Schmidt were busy trying desperately to pretend that they were “just not that into one another.”
Ultimately, this extended game of foreplay resulted in Schmidt boning Cece’s German roommate, Nadia, who admitted to liking his face so much, she wanted to “punch, punch, punch” it.
It was a match made in Heaven . . . or Fight Club, whichever you prefer.
Violent tendencies aside, here are some other things you should know about Cece’s roommate, and the things she likes . . . (just in case you have any interest in “sexing her in the face” later . . . or something)
Did I mention that she’s a violent jungle predator in the sack . . . her vajayjay may actually have a right angle in it, and that she turned Schmidt’s weiner into a battered highway cone?
Now, THAT’S a scene I would have liked to have seen . . .
But hey, if it got these two crazy kids to finally admit their feelings for one another, it was all worth it, right?
Speaking of love, sex, and MAN PAIN IN YOUR PANTS . . .
“Even if it’s harder and hurts more.”
*giggle snort* “She said she wants it harder . . . That’s dirty!”
After an awkward naked hug with Russell’s ex wife Ouli in the local gym sauna (Personally, I never understood those women — usually older women — who walk around gym locker rooms just gleefully flaunting their “wares” for all to see. What’s up with that? Is body self-consciousness something that just dies when you hit middle age?)
. . . Ouli’s boobs hypnotize Jess, causing her to invite her along on a dinner date with her and Russell. When Jess tells her boys about what she’s done, Nick gets this secretly happy glint in his eyes, recognizing that there might actually be some trouble in Fancy Man Paradise.
Oh honey, you aren’t fooling ANYONE!
Jess isn’t worried, though. She has this situation under control. She’s great at dealing with awkward situations . . . and by great, I mean she tap dances to the song “Surrender,” and sings off key, whenever people around her are fighting.
At the Mexican restaurant, Russell, who’s barely changed his facial expression once, the entire time he he’s been with Jess . . .
. . . suddenly looks like he wants to ravage Ouli right there on top of the Nacho basket, as the two fight about something ridiculous . . . like donkeys, or getting lost on vacation . . . or Ouli’s uber annoying habit of lisping authentic Southern Spain style, whenever she speaks in Spanish.
Jess is horrified, and yet just a little bit turned on. Suddenly, she’s determined to evoke in Erstwhile Boringman Russell, the sex stud she briefly witnessed over her dinner of fajitas, margaritas, and Ouli. (And yes, it did inspire her tap dance and sing “Surrender” in public restaurant. Poor girl.) During a decidedly boring date, during which Jess graded papers, and Russell did . . . well, whatever, rich people do during their spare time . . .probably count their money, or something . . .
. . . Jess tried desperately to get Russell passionate about HER.
She starts simple, by saying think, over and over again, accenting the “K.” Then she squats, and does her scary pop out eye thing in his face. But when she tries to ravage him, right there on the couch, she totally isn’t having it. “You hurt my teeth, Jess,” he whines.
Long story short, Russell gets dumped for failing to bring the passion.
YAYYYYY! WOO- HOO! YIPPEE! What a shame!
“I want what you have with Ouli . . . even if it’s harder and hurts more,” she explains dejectedly, as she leaves his death trap of a car . . .”
Hasta la vista, Rusty. You weren’t the first of Jess’ Non-Nick boyfriends. And, unfortunately, you probably won’t be the last, either . . .
Elsewhere, Nick is failing miserably at Plant Parenthood. And he’s taking all his anger out on Winston . . . he of the nauseatingly sweet “healthy relationship” he just won’t shut up about. I feel your pain, Nick. Happy people are THE WORST, especially, happy people in relationships. They should just go hang out on another planet from the rest of us, as far as I’m concerned.
That said, you know what made ME happy? The last scene of this episode. (Well, second to last, if you count that post credits roll of Schmidt and Winston gluing store bought tomatoes on Nick’s poor dying plant . . . He really shouldn’t have murdered that scarecrow.)
Jess returns to the apartment after her last date with Russell, feeling miserable, dejected, and angry at the world. And just when she wants to curl up in a ball in her room and die, out pops Nick in his sexy blue boxers, and white tee. The sound of old timey music, and the scent of nauseating incense waft out of his room . . . i.e. the telltale signs of a seduction scene orchestrated by a guy who, mentally and emotionally, never really left college.
I’d like to tell you it was all planned for Jess, but it wasn’t.
Because standing next to Nick is Caroline, wearing the telltale flannel, and smelling like sex . . . Nick Sex. Jess is in a very vulnerable place right now. She’s lonely, jealous, and frustrated. And there, standing in front of her is her roommate, who’s about to make the biggest mistake of his life . . . with someone who is not her.
Nick, of course, knows none of this. He’s just happy to be screwing a girl who’s old enough to drink. And Jess’ angry accusations and judgments are irking him, as much as they are secretly turning him on. What unfolds in the next two minutes, is the most intense, awkward, sexy, ridiculous, booty-shaking, fight-until-you-almost kiss-but-don’t-actually-kiss-because-we’re-probably-saving-that-for-the-season-finale-or-something moment I have ever witnessed in my LOOOOONG television history.
Seriously, the sexual tension between these two was emanating from my television screen in waves that were so strong, I might have become unintentionally impregnated by their sheer force. Jess, you wanted true passion, that’s HARD and HURTS (hint, hint, wink, wink). Well, you got it, honey!
Now, if we could just get that spare guest star girlfriend out of the way . . .
Until next time, New Girlians!