[ The Vampire Diaries’ “Before Sunset” recap is on its way, Fangbangers! Check back here early Saturday morning, May 5th!]
Blair: (thinking to herself) “Chuck has such good hair! I miss dating a guy with hair I can run my fingers through. Last time I tried to do that with Dan, my hand got stuck.”
“O.G.B. – Original Gangster Blair.” That was how Donut Dan referred to his
soon-to-be -ex (Those two are SO dunzo. I can’t wait!) girlfriend, upon hearing that, after weeks of residing in Castle Blahhh with him, our Queen B had finally decided to reunite with the rest of her old Non Judging Breakfast Club to hatch one of its infamous schemes.
Cheesy and lame, though that nickname was (I mean, it came from Humpty Humphrey, after all) Donut Boy happened to have a point!
“Did TV Recappers Anonymous just give me a compliment? Clearly, this is one of the signs of the apocalypse.”
Not only did Blair seem more like her old strong, spunky, smart, seductive, and scheming self, this week, than she had been in weeks, the rest of the Upper East Side cast seemed more like itself too. In “Raiders of the Lost Art,” the characters seemed better defined, the dialogue sharper, the plot twists twistier, and the Chair chemistry more swoonworthy than GG fans had seen, since the beginning of the season. In short, this wasn’t just “Original Gangster Blair.” It was “Original Gangster Gossip Girl.”
So break out your trusty cipher slide (or cereal box decoder ring . . . whatever), slip into some nice lingerie, and head on over to the Secret Sex Club, where your not-so-much dead dad likes to hide, because it’s time for another GG-cap . . .
All Gossip and No Play Make Serena a Dull Girl . . .
“I know I’m supposed to be writing a Gossip Girl blast. But I just can’t seem to stop watching that YouTube video about the honey badger.”
Why am I suddenly starting to get the feeling that, when they finally do reveal the REAL Gossip Girl, she will end up being this socially awkward nerdette, who hasn’t left the house, since high school?
(Either that, or it will end up being Lola . . . same difference) One thing the whole Gossip Girl swapfest that’s played out over the course of the season has showed us is what a demanding job being GG can be, and just how much it infringes on your social life.
We saw it first with Georgina. Now we are seeing it with former It Girl Serena, who seems to have spending the entire last third of the season, holed up in her room behind a computer screen.
(She’s also oddly started speaking like an 85-year old woman with emphysema. What’s up with that?) Honey, when your best friend’s housekeeper starts making fun of you for not having a life, you have some serious problems on your hands.
Dorota is judging you . . .
Serena seems to be in the need of a serious Gossip Girl Intervention. And Newbie Interloper Lola (or Serena Lite, as Blair cleverly nicknamed her), and her current boy toy Nate
(Lola knows Serena is Gossip Girl. Nate just pretends to believe her, because the sex is really good.) are the perfect people to break her of her Nasty Little Blogging Habit.
Speaking of Dirty Little Secrets, Nate is intent on finding out what Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Thing Diana is hiding that prompted her to PRETEND to be his best friend’s bio mom. (Because seriously, how sick is that? It’s almost sicker than having sex with your real kid’s best friend, while he sleeps next door. But not quite . . .)
Nate theorizes that once he finds out this secret, not only will he be able to offer Chuck the truth about his maternity (and paternity?), he will also be able to oust Diana from his Little Newspaper that Could . . . the Spectator.
This little theory prompts Nate to steal Diana Von Slutterstein’s day planner from her underwear drawer during one of the erstwhile couple’s heated impromptu sex sessions. (Way to take one for the team, Nateypoo!)
“This is SOOO hard.”
The only problem, of course, is that Ms. Von Slutterstein apparently keeps entries on her day planner in code. Well, THAT seems like a lot of unnecessary work. Why not just have an ELECTRONIC DAYPLANNER with a PASSWORD like everyone else? Hey Diana, 1985 called . . . it wants your coded dayplanner back.
Hoping that Serena’s newfound friendship with Diana McWhoreson gives her an inside advantage to tracking down the code for the dayplanner, Silly Lola puts all her cards on the table for her scheming half sister. “We stole Diana’s [book],” Lola admits proudly.
“When even I think it’s a bad idea, something is REALLY wrong.”
Now, most of the time, Serena can be pretty darn dense. But it seems as though her tenure as Gossip Girl has had the unintended affect of garnering her a few extra IQ points. Rather than fall, hook, line, and sinker for Lola’s ploy, Serena gamely plays both sides against one another, by offering to help Lola find the decoder one minute, while revealing to Diana the NJBC’s plans against her in another . . .
*insert evil laugh here*
Oh, Serena . . .you might just be Lily’s daughter, and Cece’s granddaughter after all. It appears the vastly over-priced Big Apple, doesn’t fall far from its well manicured tree . . .
Nate’s Brain and Dan’s
Personality Hair: Two things the Wizard of Oz needs to fix
Meanwhile in Brooklyn, Blair continues her losing battle to make Donut Dan look slightly less like a homeless hippie time-traveler from 1972, by getting him to shave and cut his hair. (Seriously, at the rate it’s growing, Dan’s mop top is going to be down to his ass, by the middle of next season.)
Apparently though, the Donut’s hair isn’t the only thing that hasn’t been working in this relationship. It appears that ever since Blair and Dan started getting wasted together, just so that they could have barely passable sex, the latter’s writing has gone down the proverbial toilet.
Fortunately, Dan’s soon-to-be-future girlfriend Agent Alessandra has the perfect cure for this
(please say it’s sex with a prostitute, please say it’s sex with a prostitute) : spend the summer in Italy with an elite and snooty group of writers, of course! You know what? I like this idea even better than the prostitutes. Send Dan to Italy . . . better yet, Tokyo . . . better yet the North Pole! He and Santa could exchange haircare tips!
A highly flattered Donut promises to consider the offer, which really means he has to ask his
mommy girlfriend, if he’s allowed to go.
Of course, Blair has more important things to be thinking about than the Donut’s future . . . like, for example, Chuck. Good ole Bass . . . after lounging around Nate’s apartment in his silk floral robe all morning, trying in vain to decipher Diana Hoestein’s day planner with Nate, the Beautiful Mental Midget Ever, he turns immediately to the smartest and best code breaker he knows . . . Blair Waldorf.
She can crack the code, all right . . .
. . . to get in YOUR PANTS!
Chuck and Blair – Back in that Limo Again
As we know from past episodes, Blair has been trying to keep her distance from Chuck lately, knowing that she’s no match for his charm and sex appeal, especially when she’s stuck eating stale Donuts for breakfast everyday.
But after last week’s award ceremony debacle, Blair is determined to return to her old fun self, and getting into bed with Chuck . . . er . . . I mean helping him take down Diana, and find out the truth about his parents seems just the way to do it.
“This is your lucky day,” Blair tells Chuck, as he looks at her with a mixture of amusement, and unabashed attraction.
When the pair entered the limo together . . . a perpetual reminder of their EPIC first rendezvous . . . I literally started dancing in front of my television screen.
Please allow me a few fangirl moments to express how great it was to see Chuck and Blair at their scheming best once again. Having spent weeks apart, the two quickly got back to their old tricks, as if they had never been separated. I adored the lusty loving look Chuck gave Blair, when she changed into her tight blue Diana-look-alike dress, and started doing that dead-on impersonation of the busty Brit.
“In this moment, I can’t tell you how glad I am that Diana is NOT my mother,” Chuck replied earnestly, as he retrieved his jaw from the floor.
Not long after, Chuck rewarded my Chair-loving heart again, by conveniently yelling out “Waldorf
I LOVE we need you,” right when Blair was on the phone with the Donut, explaining the events of the upcoming day.
Sidenote: Did I mention that Blair was TOTALLY fine with Dan skipping the country without her for an entire summer? You just KNOW if it was Chuck who was contemplating leaving the Upper East Side for months, Blair would have spent the entire episode gorging on macaroons, screaming at Dorota, and sobbing through old Audrey Hepburn movies. Oh, Poor Little Donut Hole (Munchkin?) You should be afraid for the state of your relationship . . . very afraid, indeed.
But back to more important things, Chuck and Blair were on a roll, this week. From their tagteam insults of Nate, his foggy memory, and his lame extra-curricular activities (Come on! Who writes in their dayplanner, every single time they go to the gym!) . . .
. . . to their use of combined super-sleuthing skills to finally crack the Day Planner code (Blair used her trusty cipher slide, while Chuck impressed all with his obscure knowledge of country codes) . . .
“That depends. Is it some kind of sex toy?”
. . . to the knowing looks they gave one another throughout the scheming session, it was hard to imagine a time when these two lovebirds WEREN’T absolutely perfect for one another.
Of course, the group did run into a little hiccup when Double Crosser Serena tried to run off with the Day Planner. (She had planned to give it back to Diana, in exchange for the real Gossip Girl’s telephone number.) But Blair quickly disposed of that problem too, by effortlessly guilting her friend into submission. “Be with us, not against us,” Blair told her Bestie, Matter-of-Factly.
Within mere moments, Serena was back in the fold. And the NJBC was ready to put the next stage of their plan into action.
Cross the NJBC, and wind up with Dorota on your back . . . literally.
Good old Dorota. I love it when the NJBC lets her play in their scheming games.
But sometimes I worry about her babies. Does she have nannies for those things? Because she never seems to take care of them AT ALL! This week, Dorota MASSAGED the truth about her coded weekend dalliances out of Diana Whoreson, using a few clever bait-and-switch techniques she’s undoubtedly learned from watching Blair all these years.
Moments later, the group finds themselves with an invitation to a mysterious party . . . one that’s about to offer them more answers than they had bargained for . . .
Blair and Chuck seek out exotic locations for their next sexual rendezvous, while Stalker Donut pouts in the distance
Though Donut Dan was still playing the role of the non-neurotic boyfriend to Blair’s face, behind her back he was stalking her’s and Chuck’s limo in his taxi. Pathetic as his actions were, he had good reason to be concerned, Diana’s day planner had led the NJBC to that random Secret Sex Club, where Chuck got it on with some random maid, a couple seasons back.
Truthfully, as far as Secret Sex Club’s go, this one left much to be desired, filled as it was with lots of old creepy men in business suits, and bored looking 18-year olds, all dressed in the same white nightgown. No wonder Serena was so bored.
“Blah. Another sex club. Been there, screwed that, have the HPV to prove it.”
Chuck and Blair weren’t bored though, bouncing right back into their usual couples routine, in search of Jack Bass and Diana. “You look like you need a friend,” one of the high class call girls cooed, leeching onto Chuck the minute he arrived at the party.
“He already has a friend,” Blair said possessively putting her arm around Chuck.
For me, one of the absolute funniest moments of the episode, was when Chuck and Blair posed as an exhibitionist couple, in order to explore the entire mansion where the sex club was being held (which, of course, when you think about it, isn’t actually that ffar from the truth.) “You look like the type who would love [a room] with a royal theme,” suggested the host.
“Been there, done that,” replied Blair, which got a smirk from Chuck. “How about someplace hidden and dark.”
“Let’s look at every room,” ad-libbed Chuck. “She likes to watch.”
Shortly thereafter, Diana arrives at the party. And this is when the plot really
becomes ridiculous thickens. Split up from Blair, Chuck encounters Jack, an asks him flat out, if he’s his father.
Never . . . gets . . . old.
The answer he receives is evasive and inconclusive. Nate finds Diana in the creepy security room on the second floor of the mansion. (So, her dirty little secret is that she runs a sex bar? LAME!)
Serena, having returned Diana’s book, after the NJBC successfully decoded it excitedly calls Gossip Girl’s number. The phone rings INSIDE the sex club.
“Gossip Girl is a prostitute?”
But then Diana, knowing that her jig is up, fakes a police raid. And everyone empties the house, before Serena can get the answer she is seeking.
Blair however, finds Chuck’s answer in a seemingly abandoned room on the second floor. And the look on her face when she finds it is truly heartbreaking . . .
“You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” (surprisingly, not a cliche, in this context)
Throughout the episode, we’ve been reminded of how good Chuck and Blair can be together, when they are scheming and having fun. Here, in this moment, we are reminded of how good together they can be when they are hurting and in need of support. “What’s wrong? You look like you just found out that Jack Bass was YOUR father,” Chuck gently teases, as a teary eyed Blair emerges from the sex club.
Chuck and Blair as relatives . . .
How very Game of Thrones now THAT would be awkward.
He takes her wrist, gently, a gesture of calm, support and strength. “After all we’ve been through, there are no secrets between us, nor should there be. It’s just us here, you and me. You can tell me anything,” Chuck tells Blair solemnly, and we know he means it.
Leighton Meester knocked this scene out of the park. In hindsight, knowing what she saw in that room, you could imagine the emotionality of her reaction. Blair, more than anyone else, knows the complexities of Chuck’s relationship with his father, and the way his death unraveled him completely, exposing to the world a vulnerable side to Chuck Bass that no one had ever seen before.
And yet, she decides not to come out and tell him what she saw, nor to accompany him back to the mansion, where he will find it. I think Blair recognizes that no matter how difficult this will be for Chuck, he has to come to this discovery on his own.
And so Blair instructs Chuck to return to the mansion. It is there that he finally sees his father . . . his true blood donor, and life saver / ruiner . . . not so much dead, after all.
Well, he looks well preserved for someone who’s been dead for three seasons.
It’s a patently unbelieveable twist . . .
though one that many of us saw coming a mile away, thanks to some not-so-carefully placed spoilers on entertainment news outlets, but no one can deny its potential entertainment value. Undoubtedly, this bombshell is going to have a major impact on most of the members of the Upper East Side, most notably Chuck and Lily . . . who is technically still married to the zombie/vampire / old rich guy or whatever.
“My Botox injections prevent me from appearing more upset about the fact that I now have two husbands. How very Big Love of me.”
Personally, though, I’m a bit disappointed that Bart Bass didn’t end actually BEING Diana Payne (post-op sex change). After all, you would think that, for a well-reknown man, becoming a woman would make it a whole lot easier to fake your own death as a man, than spending the remainder of your undeath hiding out in skeevy Whore Houses . . . just saying . . .
In other news Nate and Lola double-double crossed Serena, by stealing her laptop, and returning it to Gossip Girl, whoever she might be . . . (seriously, I’m starting to think it’s Lola). As for that infamous telephone number, Serena fought so hard to get. It was promptly disconnected after the faux raid on the whore house.
Poor Serena. Now, it seems she’ll have to return to her pre-Gossip Girl hobbies to obtain spiritual and emotional fulfillment . . . drinking heavily, and having sex with random guest stars . . .
Oh, and I almost forgot
(mainly because I could care less), Donut Dan turned down the summer in Italy to be with Blair. But he lied to her about it, and told her he lost the spot to another writer. Then Dan tells Blair he loves her for the first time, and she replies, “I know you do!”
BURN! These two are more burned out then Dan’s weave. Nice knowing ya, Dair . . . well . . . not really. But whatever!
Oh, how I loved this episode, let me count the ways.