I actually find this really impressive, Nick. My tears always evaporate or my face, or fall into my lap, before I can manage to put them in a jar. What you did takes real dedication! (Now, go take a shower, and get a haircut.)
Backsliding . . . falling off the wagon . . . relapsing . . . engaging in self-destructive behavior . . . being BAAAAAAAD. We’ve all done it before. And, I hate to say it, but we’re all going to do it again, sooner or later. We’re human. And it’s natural to fall back on bad habits, return to bad relationships, and make the same mistakes over and over again.
Deep down we know it’s bad for us. But it just feel soooooo good, when it’s happening, that sometimes, it’s just too hard to resist.
That’s really what this episode of New Girl was about . . . all the bad decisions we make when we are lonely, horny, have had too much to drink, or are suffering from a broken
Let’s review shall we . . .
The River of Self Pity
Poor Jess! Dumping Russell sure brought out the emo chick in her . . . with her big glasses, and and her, make-you-wanna-slit-your-wrist depressing music, playing on endless loop throughout the night, and her being curled up in a ball in her pajamas making Pouty Face all day! (See, Nick and Jess NEED to be together! They even cope with breakups in the same ridiculously melodramatic way.)
Question: When you are the DUMPER in the relationship, do you earn the right to your Melodramatic Depression, in the way that the DUMPEE does? I’m saying, if the DUMPEE didn’t like . . . cheat on you . . . or something.
Because I’m going to go out on a limb, and say “no.” I think when you find the courage to get out of a relationship, for no other reason than the fact that being in it doesn’t make you happy, you should be doing this . . .
Or this . . .
(Sadly, watching this clip made me realize that this is exactly how I look when I dance.)
Not this . . .
This, I think, is why Jess’ roommates were a lot less supportive of her moping, than, perhaps, they would have been otherwise. Take, for example, Winston’s “cheery” remarks about The Soundtrack of Jess’ Discontent . . .
Or Schmidt’s remark when she finally turned off the music . . . “No . . . wait! Turn it back on! After 80 times, I finally get it! It’s . . . A RIVER!”
Oh, but Nick was the worst offender by far! Literally dancing your new-old girlfriend around in front of the girl who’s, not only nursing a broken heart, but, quite obviously in love with you, is cold man . . . just cold.
But hey! It was YOUR obnoxious antics that finally managed to get Jess out of the house! So, way to go, Nick I LOVE YOU! you
sexy sneaky bastard you!
“Take off your skis, and wait for your family in the lodge!”
Later, at That Random Bar Where Nick Works (which I’m starting to think is the New Girl equivalent of TVD’s Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls) . . .
Schmidt explains to Jess the dangers of “Backsliding,” and hides her Bunny-Shaped cell phone, so she doesn’t drunk dial Russell in a moment of weakness. What Schmidt doesn’t count on, is Jess having a run-in with Nick Miller, Backslider Extraordinaire. He explains that terrible, emotionally abusive, relationships CAN be magically turned into good and healthy ones! It’s just a matter of timing . . .
Don’t listen to him, Jess.
He doesn’t realize he’s madly in love with you yet. He knows not what he says!
But it’s too late. The Seeds of Backslide have already been planted in Jess’ fertile mind . . .
Next thing you know, Jess has managed to retrieve her phone from Schmidt’s coat. She makes That Call . . .
But it’s not to who you think . . .
She’s going to call Nick, right? Please let it be Nick. Oh . . . wait . . . Nick is still in the bar. Damn!
The Tale of the Slow Motion Sneeze
So, you guys remember Paul? You know, the guy who dressed like a gourd . . . and who Jess started dating during the Thanksgiving episode? The one she had really bad sex with . . . who Nick
was super jealous of hated . . . who broke up with Jess when he realized she didn’t love him yet . . . even though they’d only been dating for a few weeks, when it happened? Yeah . . . he’s back. That’s a wayyyy bigger backslide than returning Russell, don’t you think?
Oh, and here’s another thing you probably didn’t know about Paul. He’s a really ugly crier. You know, kind of like this guy . . .
And this one . . .
Jess describes Paul’s crying as a cry-smile, and a “slow motion sneeze.” In a moment, you will see why . . .
Here’s my question. Weren’t Jess and Paul only actually dating for a few weeks? What the heck did she do to him to make him cry so much in that short amount of time? Did she beat him repeatedly with sharp objects? Did she try to extract his teeth from his mouth, while he was sleeping? Because, I’m thinking this relationship had WAY worse problems than just bad sex, and rushed “I love yous.” Just saying . . .
Despite the obvious warning signs, Nick’s jumping headfirst into a repeat doomed-to-fail relationship with Caroline, seems to make Jess more determined than ever to couple up with Paul again. She rushes to his classroom to tell him as much. And it’s there that Paul reveals HIS deep dark secret . . . He has a serious girlfriend . . . one who kind of/sort of looks like an Asian-version of Jess . . . complete with Minnie Mouse-style clothing, emo glasses, and some seriously thick bangs . . .
Moral-to-a-fault, Jess initially seems determined to rat Paul out to her Asian Alter Ego. But Paul ends up beating her to the punch. And it’s at that moment that we learn that Asian Jess is also an incredibly Ugly Crier. Clearly, this is a match made in adorkable Heaven. Jess knows “true love” when she sees it
except when it comes to her and Nick. And she’s not about to let it pass by her ex . . .
Jess even goes as far as to help Paul propose to her Asian self . . . right there in the classroom . . . minutes after the chick found out she was cheated on. It was the most awkward . . . awful . . . proposal ever . . . and yet so very Paul. Asian Jess said yes! Some kid in the class played here comes the bride on his clarinet . . . It was beautiful.
OK . . . not really. But it did cause Jess to have an epiphany about love, and why it’s important not to settle for a relationship that, deep down, you know, will fail. When a relationship is right for you, you’ll know it, as soon as you’re in it! (At least that’s how it works on TV!)
Jess rushes home. She can’t wait to share her new wisdom with Nick so that she can stop him mid-backslide. But will he listen?
“Summer’s Day is not a B*tch!”
How very Clockwork Orange of you!
Speaking of jumping into things wayyyyy too fast, in the course of a single episode, Nick has gone from seducing Caroline in his bedroom with incense and the song “Sentimental Reasons” to contemplating moving in with the chick . . .
Serious times call for serious measures. So Winston and Schmidt stage an intervention, literally holding his eyes open, and forcing him to watch a video he made of himself, back during his last breakup with Caroline. It was a dark time for Nick . . . He looked like Jesus . . .
. . . if Jesus was a homeless crazy person. He wouldn’t leave his couch. And spent his days collecting his own tears, and writing Caroline poems . . . like this one . . .
That’s beautiful, Nick! Shakespeare couldn’t have said it better himself.
Any sane person would have taken one look at the video, and gone running from that relationship, as fast as their legs could carry them. But not Nick. The allure of sandwiches, sex, and not being alone was just too powerful for him . . .
He knows what he has to do . . .
In slightly less depressing news . . .
“Emotional intimacy turns you on?”
Cece decides to take Schmidt and his Broken Penis to the one place where he can’t possibly become aroused . . . an old age home.
It’s there that Schmidt meets Cece’s Granny, who has something important to tell him about the state of their current relationship . . .
But there’s just something about seeing Schmidt conversing with all these old people about how to make relationships work that warms the cockles of Cece’s heart.
(Personally, I’ve never really understood that phrase. What the heck are “cockles,” anyway? They sound dirty.) She tells Schmidt that, for the first time in her life, she wants to be in a real relationship. And she wants to be in one with him . . .
Annnnnnnd then he screams in agony, and passes out from the pain.
Apparently, all this healthy, happy, talk of love and long-term relationships was just too much for poor Schmidt’s crooked knotted wizard staff of a weiner to take.
Oh Schmidt. You really are a woman, aren’t you? Then again, that’s why we love you . . .
“Captain Black Sparrow.”
Attention: We interrupt this recap for a segment during which I do nothing but share gifs that make fun of Winston’s perpetually expanding in size, and increasingly ridiculous earring . . . (Thank, i-heart-vampire-series.tumblr for all the great Winston gifs below.)
We now return to your regularly scheduled recap . . .
“You deserve love.”
Do you like a little romance, and unrequited angst with your comedy?
We’ve got some of that! Things actually start out really promising. It’s the end of the episode. Jess has just had her epiphany about true love, and not having to settle for less. She rushes to tell future soul mate Nick all about it, and finds him fresh out of the shower, looking all nakey and hot . . .
It’s enough to get any girl flustered. Fortunately, Jess has her speech pre-prepared. And it’s a good one . . . complete with it’s very own Tom Waits impersonation.
(Though, to be honest. I don’t know who Tom Waits is . . . never heard him speak . .. and thought she sounded more like the Cookie Monster.) Jess tells Nick that he’s wrong about love and timing. She tells him that when love is real, and right. It’s right all the time.
She tells him she
loves him thinks he’s the best, and that he doesn’t have to settle.
She says all the right things. And she says them, while looking deeply into eyes
and naked chest with such intensity and passion, that Nick can’t possibly do anything else but grab her face and kiss her, right?
Except he doesn’t . . . instead he tells her he signed the lease to move in with Caroline that morning. And then . . . he just . . . leaves.
But hey, it’s not over until Jess sings her final theme song of the season, right? We’ve still got one more episode left!
Next week, in “See Ya,” the New Girl Season Finale, Jess and Nick almost get eaten by a coyote . . .
Horny the Coyote approves!
Roll the clip, Maestro . . .
Until next time, New Girlians!