Love. There are so many ways to show you care. Some people show they love you by cooking you a nice meal, or holding you, after you’ve had a rough day.
Others show they love you, by screwing you senseless, or taping mouth shut with duct tape, or crawling into a grave with you, while wearing a really ugly yellow Walmart sweat outfit.
And then there are those who show they love you by eating your carcass, after you die.
It’s all kind of romantic, when you really think about it.
Yes, Fangbangers. This week’s season five premiere of True Blood was just filled with the “L” word . . . and also a whole lot of blood, guts, and misplaced bodyparts. Just how we like it. Let’s review, shall we?
The Super Snatch of Sookie Stackhouse
We begin our story, literally seconds from where Season 4 ended. Half of Tara’s brain is oozing out on the floor, as is one of Trailer Trash Debbie’s teeth, as well as other assorted bits of Trailer Trash Debbie.
In other words, it’s a Body Part Smorgasboard . . . any vampire’s dream.
Speaking of vampires, one has just made a house call. It’s Pam, fresh off her rejection by her Maker, Eric. (There are still bloody tears in her eyes.)
Sookie’s ready to tell her to skedaddle. (After all, she has some deep kitchen cleaning to do . . . again.). But Lafayette has other plans. “Turn her!” Lafayette demands, referring to the brainless wonder lying on the floor beneath him.
everybody hates Tara HATES vampires,” says Sookie and . . . well . . . everyone watching at home.
Nevertheless, if Lafayette has to choose between having a self-loathing vampire for a cousin, and worm food for a cousin, he’s going to choose the former. And Sookie, who LOOOOOOOVES vampires, doesn’t take much convincing to follow suit. “I’ll owe you one,” Sookie offers brightly.
Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you feel about Tara), Vampire Pam is desperate enough to get back into her Maker’s good graces to play Let’s Make a Deal. The sassy vampire gets Sookie to promise to use her magical vaginal powers to smooth things over between Pam and Eric, as well as to perform for Pam an additional, as of yet, unmentioned favor at some unspecified time in the future.
Sookie seems skeptical at first, but ultimately agrees . . . you know because “TARRRRRRAAAAA” is the most important person in her life right now . . . after “BEEEEEEEEEEEL,” and “ERRRRRRIIIIC” and “JASOOOOOOOON.”
Next thing you know, Vampire Pam is squatting in the dirt next to the highly odorous, Brain-Flaps-A Lot-Dead Tara. I should note that the former is dressed in the ugliest sweatshirt I have ever seen in my entire life. (I’m sincerely hoping that belonged to Grams, not Sookie. But given some of the outfits we’ve seen Sookie wear these past few years, you can never be too sure.)
Sookie thinks Vampire Pam and Head-Like-a-Half-Chewed-Chocolate-Chip-Cookie Tara should spoon in the grave, to instill maker-progeny bonding or something. But Vampire Pam isn’t having it. Wearing an ugly grandma sweatshirt, and becoming eternal mom to her mortal enemy is more than enough sacrifice for one day, as far as Pam is concerned.
Shrugging it off, Sookie and Lafayette, take turns burying the pair. Then, they return to Sookie’s house to wait . . .
In other Stackhouse news . . .
Almost Everybody Loves Jason Stackhouse . . . (even Steve F*&king Newlin)
It’s starting to seem like, on this show, the more you hate vampires, the more likely it is that you will eventually become one. Such was the fate of former cult leader Steve Newlin, who, at the end of last season, found himself on Jason Stackhouse’s doorstep with a pair of pointy incisors, and an outfit that makes him look like he should be playing the uptight rich villain in an 80′s teen movie.
At first, Vampire Newlin plays the vulnerability card, in order to gain access to the house of his follower turned nemesis. He claims he has no where else to go, having already been shunned by both his minions, and vampires themselves due to his present condition, and past acts, respectively. But Jason thinks Steve’s fangs look like big ole white hard-ons (a notion which ends up being rather prophetic), so he doesn’t trust them. Steve, then, is forced to use a little of that good ole’ glamour power, in order to gain his invitation.
As it turns out, Steve has a little confession to make. And he doesn’t want Jason to interrupt him, until he’s said his piece. So, of course, Steve does what any rational person would do in this situation, he tapes the mouth of his sole audience member — who just so happens to be conveniently shirtless – shut with duct tape. It’s all very kinky, and 50 Shades of Grey-esque.
And since it also happens to be my favorite scene in the entire episode, I’ll let you watch, and see for yourself . . .
Steve Newlin . . . a religious nutbar / cult-leading, arms enthusiast, hate monger turned gay vampire American . . .
. . . who’s head over heels in love with none other than THE Jason Stackhouse. The reveal was probably the most shocking twist of True Blood’s season 5 premiere.
It was certainly one of the more aggressive departures from the book series we’ve seen so far. And yet, as far as plot points go, this one actually seems to make a surprising amount of sense. It definitely explains a lot of the weirdness between Steve and Jason during Season 2.
“You should really touch my gun. It’s SOOO BIG!”
And all that “murderous rage and whatnot,” it had to come from somewhere right? Besides, it’s not exactly like falling in love with Jason Stackhouse is the most difficult thing in the world to do.
Considering he had just had his mouth taped shut, by the man who multiple times tried to kill him, Jason handled the profession of adoration quite well. He even complimented Steve on his kind words. But when it came right down to it, Jason’s dog just doesn’t bark that way . .
And Steve F*&king Newlin doesn’t take too kindly to rejection.
But don’t you worry Jason fans! Little Red Riding Hood is about to tell that Big Gay Wolf where he can shove his big hard-on fangs. Poor Steve. Rejection is hard enough when you aren’t forced to fly backwards through someone’s front door, like a twig caught in the path of a leaf blower, because your home invitation was just rescinded. Bad for Steve. But very good for Jason and Jessica . . .
Not everyone’s a Jason fan though. He gets some serious cold shoulders from Hoyt and his former highway working crewmates over at Merlotte’s.
They call him G*rlfr*end F*&ker, which I guess is supposed to be insulting, but to me seems kind of like a compliment. I mean, isn’t that what you’re SUPPOSED to do with your girlfriend. Yeah, yeah . . . I know, Jason betrayed Hoyt by getting with Jess, and yadda, yadda, yadda. But Bon Temps is just such a small town! It’s probably really hard to hook up with someone who isn’t the ex girlfriend of SOMEONE you know . . . especially if you look like Jason Stackhouse . . .
Meanwhile, Jess is enjoying the perks of being temporary Queen of Louisianna, while Papa Bill is “otherwise engaged.” And like any good Queen, Jess knows how to treat her subjects well . . . by throwing them a frat party, and laying down some fly tunes.
Jason unintentionally crashes the party, thinking he’s in for another quickie, when Jess lays the “let’s just be friends with benefits speech on him.” But don’t worry about Jason, looking like he does, he’s a welcome addition to any sorority girl’s daydreams, provided he slip out of that nerdy cop uniform, and into something “more comfortable.”
For a moment there, it seems like Jason might hook up with a college coed just to make Jess jealous. But in the end, he does the gentlemanly thing, and simply drives the lovestruck girl home.
Good lord! Since when did Jason Stackouse, Resident Man Whore of Bon Temps become the Messiah of Boyfriends?
“Hey, I thought I was the Messiah of Boyfriends.”
Speaking of loyal boyfriends . . .
Tastes Like Marcus
Sam gets accosted by some of deceased Werewolf Pack Leader Marcus’ followers, because they think the shapeshifter killed him. So, Sam turns into a bird and flies away, rather than rat out Marcus’ real killer, Alcide. Hey you know what I noticed about Sam? Except for that cute dog from season 1, he always shift into rather lame creatures, like ugly birds, or flies, and such. Not very manly. He’s also probably naked more than any other character on this show.
Anywhoo, Sam eventually turns himself in to the nudist colony of werewolves, provided they promise not to harm his lover Luna and her kid. Besides, all they really want to know is where Marcus was buried . . . you know, so his mom could like, eat him and stuff . . .
Eventually though, Alcide does the right thing by admitting to killing the Leader of the Pack. As a result, he gets a pack of his own . . . I’d like to call them the “Non-Carcass Eaters.”
“I rule with an iron fist and washboard abs.”
In other Alcide news, he pops by Sookie’s house to give her some home decorating tips . . .
. . . and to invite her to be his roommate, so that he can
have hardcore doggy sex with her protect her from Russell Edgington, who’s not-so-much dead, by the way. Sookie declines, figuring that the whole “I just shot your ex-girlfriend in my kitchen, and you almost tripped over her tooth on the way in here” would make for awkward dinner table conversation.
Speaking of dead bodies, apparently, someone stole Jesus . . .weird.
Burn it Down
Meanwhile, in what was clearly the least interesting storyline of the evening . . .
. . . Noel from Felicity is making Terry VERRRRY ANGRY, probably because he keeps yammering on about “The War.” No one talks to Terry about “The War” and gets away with it. Also, apparently, someone’s been going around burning down the homes of all of Terry’s former comrades. So, maybe that freaky lady ghost with the big pop out eyes didn’t burn down Terry’s house after all. (I’m still trying to decide whether or not I care.)
Speaking of the Bellefleur’s Policeman Andy has a surprisingly nice ass, and a good set of abs, as we learn when we find him post-coitus in waitress Holly’s bed. Who knew?
The two new lovebirds may have ended up in the bed, but they started on the couch, where Holly’s son typically slumbers.
Yikes. It looks like someone’s going to need to invest in a sleeping bag, STAT.
But enough about those pesky humans. We watch this show for the vampires, right?
When we last left Vampire Eric and BEEEEL, they had just killed Tight Pants Nan of the Vampire AUTHORITAAYYYY. In short, they are now in deep doo-doo. While Lazy Beeel makes a few casual phone calls, Vampire Eric rolls up his sleeves, and starts cleaning Nan bits off the floor, like it’s his job.
I have to admit, watching him clean was a bit of a turn on. Then again, watching Vampire Eric do anything would probably be a turn on to me, even if it was something like picking his nose, or scratching his bum.
Beeel notes that he has this FEELING that Sookie is in danger. But Eric is unmoved. “F*&K Sookie,” he says resolutely, which coincidentally, both of these vampires have done numerous times.
Unfortunately, Beel and Eric have little time to reminisce about all those screws in the dirt, shower boinks, and snowball hallucination sex they each had with the blonde waitress, because the AUTHORITAY has come to bring their asses to justice . . .
Riding trapped in the trunk of a car, with their faces so close they could kiss, new bromantic buddies Bill and Eric plot their escape, while their captors rock out to late 70′s era elevator music. Ultimately, they opt to use an umbrella to access the car’s gas tank. They then proceed to blow that sh*t up. Ahh, the many benefits of being immortal, and having unlimited healing powers. Lying on the ground, face burned to a crisp, Bill twitches awkwardly, as Eric lifts him to safety. “I won’t leave you,” whispers Eric in his former nemesis’ ear.
“I just can’t quit you.”
How very Brokeback Mountain of the two men who, on more than one occasion almost killed one another over the Super Snatch of Sookie.
Their captor up too, and he’s raring for a fight, that is until his female companion shreds the bastard.
Turns out this is none other than Eric Northman’s “sister” . . . at least, in that they share the same maker. So, they are blood related, but not “blood” related, if you catch my drift. I’m only telling you this, because they end up screwing in some storage container moments later . . .
The Lannisters approve.
. . . as poor Beeel, waits outside, listening, and suffering from a serious case of these . . .
And I have to say, it’s kind of hot . . . or at least as hot as two ridiculously attractive people engaging in sort of/kind of incest can be. Then, Eric’s cell phone goes off, and the two start bickering. “We fight like siblings, but we f*&k like champions,” Eric tells Bill conversationally.
Of course, you do, Eric . . . of course you do.
Later that night, Sister Nora leads Eric and Bill to a boat driven by someone who I guess is the equivalent of the vampire witness protection program. You see, even though it looks like Nora has just betrayed her position in the AUTHORITAY, by helping Eric and Beel escape, it seems like there may be a bit of schism among the vampire politicos. I smell a revolution!
Speaking of revolution, Eric and Bill never quite make it on to that boat, before they are ambushed, by a bunch of gun toting AUTHORITAY members. RUH-ROH!
Meanwhile, back in Bon Temps . . .
It’s time to dig up Tara and Pam. The latter pops out looking bored, as usual, and more than a bit eager to change out of that ridiculous outfit. But Tara seems a bit . . . unresponsive. This of course, is not exactly surprising considering that Pam had suggested that the latters little “brain-flap” issue, might leave her at best a f*&ktarded vampire, and a worst, just a stinky corpse. Sookie cries. Lafayette cries. Pam rolls her eyes.
And then . . . Tara RISES . . . and tries to EAT SOOKIE’S FACE . . . or maybe it’s her all powerful Fairy Super Snatch. The screen fades to black, so it’s too early to tell . . .
In the weeks to come on True Blood, Eric, BEEL and Hoyt (?) don leathery S&M gear, Tara tries to EAT EVERYONE, Sookie screams a lot, Steve Newlin and Jess square off once again for Jason’s affections, and that dude from Law and Order quotes scripture, while wearing a really snazzy suit. And you can check out all of it, here . . .
Until next time, Fangbangers!